#99 Attachment Styles & Break-Ups

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In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups.

Break-ups are difficult no matter who you are, but understanding how different attachment styles affect one's experience can offer valuable insights into the emotional landscape post-separation. Attachment styles, an aspect of psychological theory, play a critical role in how individuals process relationships and, subsequently, the end of those relationships. Here, we delve into the contrasting experiences of anxious and avoidant attachment styles during break-ups.

Anxious Attachment: The Struggle with Loss

For those with an anxious attachment style, break-ups can feel extraordinarily challenging. Individuals with this attachment style often place a high value on connection and see their relationship as an anchor, contributing to their sense of safety and identity. This dependence on the relationship can lead to a tendency to prioritise it over other aspects of life, such as friendships, hobbies, and even career goals.

When the relationship ends, the anxious person might feel an overwhelming sense of failure and loss. This isn't just the loss of a relationship, but also the loss of their perceived source of stability and purpose. The immediate reaction can involve a frantic need to reconnect, as the void left by the relationship feels too daunting to face alone.

It's common for those with an anxious attachment style to become preoccupied with their ex-partner post-break-up. Actions like checking social media for updates or looking for signs of their ex's current emotional state can become all-consuming. This obsessive behaviour is a way to manage the overwhelming emotions of rejection and uncertainty. However, this only serves to delay the necessary process of healing and personal growth.

Avoidant Attachment: Seeking Relief in Solitude

Contrastingly, individuals with an avoidant attachment style have a different experience. For avoidant individuals, relationships can already feel like a substantial emotional labour, detracting from their preferred state of independence and aloneness. As a relationship becomes strained, the avoidant person's instinct is to withdraw, feeling drained and overwhelmed by the emotional demands placed upon them.

When a break-up occurs, the primary response for an avoidant individual is often one of relief. The end of the relationship signifies the end of the stress and the return to a more comfortable state of solitude. This sense of relief does not necessarily mean they didn't value their partner or the relationship; rather, it indicates their low tolerance for prolonged conflict and heightened emotional states.

In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, avoidant individuals might engage in activities that distract them, such as socialising more, immersing themselves in work, or picking up new hobbies. These activities serve the purpose of avoiding the emotional reckoning that follows a break-up, providing a temporary shield against the feelings of loss and sadness. However, it is common for the emotional impact to surface later, potentially weeks after the separation.

Misunderstandings and Projections

The diverging reactions of anxious and avoidant individuals can lead to significant misunderstandings. Anxious individuals may look at their avoidant ex-partner's apparent ease post-break-up and assume they never cared about the relationship. On the other hand, avoidant individuals may interpret the anxious person's heightened emotional state as excessive or irrational.

These projections are based on each attachment style's approach to emotional processing and coping. Anxious individuals assume that if their ex-partner truly cared, they would also be in a state of visible distress. Meanwhile, avoidant individuals may fail to understand the depth of the anxious partner's emotional investment, leading to further miscommunication and misinterpretation.

Focusing on Self-Healing

For both attachment styles, the key to healing post-break-up lies in redirecting focus from the former partner to oneself. For anxious individuals, this involves shifting their energy from the relationship to building a stronger sense of self. Developing self-worth, self-respect, and self-trust can create a more secure emotional foundation, reducing the need to cling to a partner for stability.

Avoidant individuals, meanwhile, could benefit from fostering a deeper emotional awareness. Instead of strictly avoiding the discomfort that follows a break-up, facing those feelings and understanding their roots can lead to more meaningful personal growth. This involves recognising their tendencies to withdraw and working towards more balanced ways of managing emotions and relationships.

Conclusion

Understanding the nuances of how different attachment styles experience break-ups can foster empathy and self-awareness. While an anxious attachment might lead to feelings of intense loss and fixation, an avoidant attachment may initially result in relief and later sadness. Both experiences are valid and form part of the complex tapestry of human relationships. Ultimately, the journey through a break-up can be an opportunity for profound personal development, teaching us to build healthier and more secure connections in future relationships.

Use the code PHOENIX to save $150 off Higher Love - stephanierigg.com/higher-love

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust

• Download the free guide: Attachment 101

• Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment

• Visit my website

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Episode Transcript

Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:

Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking all about breakups and specifically how different attachment styles, people with different attachment patterns are likely to experience and respond to breakups. So I know I say this at the start of every episode, but this is something that I get asked about a lot, particularly from my anxious attachers. No surprises there. And people wondering a why breakups feel so intensely hard for people with anxious attachment patterns, but also desperately trying to decipher what their often avoidant leaning ex partner is thinking, feeling why would they do this? Why aren't they doing that? And while you would know, if you're familiar with my work, my approach that I usually will politely decline to join you in analysing and hypothesising about someone's behaviour, why would they do this? What does it mean when they do that? I think that playing that game actually just keeps us more stuck and so I usually opt out of that and gently discourage you from spending too much time and energy in that, spinning around in the hypothesising.

Stephanie Rigg [00:01:44]:

At the same time, there are some clearly observed differences in the way that folks with anxious attachment patterns tend to process and experience a breakup compared with those who have more avoided patterns. And I think that in having a conversation around this we can cultivate greater understanding and be less inclined to project our own way onto the other person's behaviour and interpret accordingly. So I think again, and we do this all throughout relationships, right? All throughout the life cycle of a relationship. I think without conscious awareness, we do tend to project and receive someone's behaviour as what it would mean if we did that, notwithstanding that we're coming from completely different places, we have completely different sensitivities and values and all of those things. We put ourselves in their shoes and then construct meaning and it tends to give a very inaccurate and distorted and one sided view of things, which, spoiler alert, usually makes things worse because we then craft these painful stories out of it. So

I'm hoping that in today's episode I can give you a bit more context for that and probably more of an insight into that avoidant experience post breakup, so that you can understand that, depersonalise it a little and hopefully keep your eyes on your own paper, stay in your own lane a little, and support yourself as best you can. If you are going through a breakup, or maybe you've been through a breakup and you've had a lot of unanswered questions and wondered these same things, so hopefully I can give you some insights there. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.

Stephanie Rigg [00:03:31]:

The first being you might have heard me announce that I'm holding a Live Master class in a couple of weeks time on Building Trust. So this will be a 90 minutes. Although in the past I've tended to go a little overtime, so probably 90 minutes to 2 hours. Live Masterclass where we'll be talking all about trust, both self trust and relational trust, how to build trust, looking at trust wounds, rebuilding after infidelity, whether you've got kind of legacy trust issues from a previous relationship, how to learn to trust yourself more, intuition, all of those topics will be woven in. Even as I'm saying this, I'm wondering how I'm going to fit it all into 2 hours. But anyway, that's what we're going to do. If you'd like to come along to that. I would love to see as many of you there as possible.

Stephanie Rigg [00:04:17]:

There will be a recording that you'll have access to afterwards as well. If you're unable to join Live or you just want to revisit the material and you can find the link to that in the show notes or directly on my website. Second quick announcements just to share the featured review, which is I've listened to a few episodes and already learnt so much.

Stephanie's calm, kind, compassionate approach is helping me understand relationships and myself at a deeper level. Thank you Stephanie. Keep on making a difference. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you are new to the show and already seeing an impact in your life and the way you're relating to yourself and others.

Stephanie Rigg [00:04:55]:

If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Masterclasses, which includes, if you would like, a free ticket to the Rebuilding Trust Live Masterclass so you can choose that one rather than one of my preexisting Masterclasses if you so desire.

Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around attachment and breakups. So I've spoken at length on the show and elsewhere around anxious attachment and breakups and I'll give a bit of a recap on that for anyone who needs a refresher. Or perhaps if you haven't listened to me speak about this before. For anxiously attached people, breakups tend to be very, very challenging. We know that for anxious folks, connection is a very, very high ranking need and the relationship tends to be our anchor and our source of safety. We really lean on the relationship as giving us identity, as giving us purpose. We tend to orbit around that and really prioritise the relationship above the other pillars of our life.

Stephanie Rigg [00:06:03]:

And while that's not, oh, you're so anxious and clingy and needy because of those traits or preferences, it's normal. I would say that folks with secure attachment patterns also find their relationship to be a source of security and comfort and stability and they prioritise it. And that's not an anxious trope. Anxious folks tend to over index on their relationship to the exclusion of other areas of their life or to the detriment of other areas of their life which can be neglected in favour of putting the relationship first. Above. All else, and particularly if a relationship is under stress or strain, the anxious person will up the ante on how much time and energy they are devoting to being around their partner, trying to fix the relationship, thinking about the relationship. All of your internal resources are going to be funnelled into like Operation Save This Sinking Ship, right? And so the irony there being that as you keep ramping up your efforts, as the relationship becomes more and more strained, if you do then find yourself in this situation of a breakup, the relationship has ended, you've expended all this energy trying to save it and you're left really empty handed. And it can be a double edged sword because you feel this sense of failure that you weren't able to salvage the relationship and at the same time you then turn around and look at the rest of your life and there's not much happening because you became so laser focused on the relationship.

Stephanie Rigg [00:07:47]:

And you might have neglected friendships. You might have isolated yourself. You might have stopped doing whatever else you usually do. You might have abandoned your regular routines or become disengaged from work or any number of other things because you were so focused on the relationship and trying to stop it from ending when it was feeling really dire. And so for the anxious person, there are so many different layers of struggle here. Not only have they lost this anchor and this safety blanket, but there's a sense of failure, there's the sense of the unknown, of uncertainty. All of these things are big triggers for people who struggle with anxiety and usually try and manage that anxiety through control and creating predictability, through focusing on another person and their needs. All of these patterns that are pretty common among most anxiously attached people.

Stephanie Rigg [00:08:47]:

You've got all of this kind of energy that you are used to heaping onto someone else and a relationship and all of a sudden you don't know what to do with yourself. And that can feel just incredibly uncomfortable and you can feel almost frantic and panicked and very, very overwhelmed by that experience. Being in the void of all of that is just deeply uncomfortable. And so many anxiously attached folks will just spin out after a breakup and feel this overwhelming urge to reconnect with their partner. Not knowing how your partner is thinking or feeling, if you're not in contact with them, that is also likely to be incredibly difficult. So all of a sudden, this person who you're used to having access to and you're accustomed to feeling entitled to speak to them and to know how they're feeling and to know what they're doing and who they're spending. Time with and all of those things, all of a sudden you kind of overnight you lose jurisdiction over that and that can feel again for someone whose tendencies to create safety via a level of control and oversight feeling. Like you've just lost power there and that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they're thinking, to know what they're feeling, to know what they're doing with their time, who they're seeing, all of those things that is likely to send you into spirals of stress and panic and anxiety and jealousy and all of those other things.

Stephanie Rigg [00:10:19]:

And I think that behaviours like stalking their social media and when have they been online and who have they been talking to? Oh, did they just start following this person? Is that some all of that stuff, which I'm sure you're listening and some of you will be sheepishly raising your hand and going, yep, that's me done that. I get it, you are not alone. A lot of people do. I've done that before. It's a really easy trap to fall into just feeling like we need to gather information to somehow arm ourselves because that's just what we know to do. But of course, none of that is really helping us. And as always, the healing and the growth and the thing we really need, the medicine that we need, even though it's not what we want, is to turn from our obsessive focus on the other back to ourselves. Go, okay, I am feeling all of these big feelings.

Stephanie Rigg [00:11:15]:

I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling rejected, I'm feeling a sense of failure and humiliation and shame and loss and grief. And instead of being with those feelings, I am trying to fix or distract or avoid or get away from the immense overwhelm that comes with all of that big emotion because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle it right, because we are so accustomed to the other person providing the safety. So I think that the very best thing we can do, as much as it's the last thing that we would do by instinct or impulse is actually to just focus on ourselves and try and release the grip, to surrender to the fact that we are no longer in control of this person. Not that we ever were, but we really now, as I said, we don't have jurisdiction over that anymore and obsessing over them and what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they're feeling is very much our way of trying to create a sense of control when we're feeling out of control. And so I think the best thing we can do is offer ourselves a more adaptive strategy which is going to be focusing on us. That is really the task of people with anxious attachment patterns, whether you're in a relationship or not, if you want to really work on healing and growing and cultivating a greater sense of security. You need to rebuild the foundations within yourself because that's where you are perhaps underdeveloped because you've been so accustomed to focusing on the other person. You need to start laying those bricks of self worth and self respect and self trust and self compassion, self esteem.

Stephanie Rigg [00:12:58]:

Those are the things that allow you to stand on your own. 2ft. To go to relationship with a strong sense of self and really love with an open heart rather than love someone with a lot of fear behind it and a need to control and grip and cling and all of those things. So that is your work and I really think that a breakup is a beautiful opportunity to take stock and to really look at that and go, okay, what are the lessons learned and what is next? That turned into a little bit of a soapbox pep talk for my anxious attaches. That was meant to be a quick setting of the scene. But anyway, we're now going to talk about the avoidant experience, which spoiler alert, is not what I just described in 99% of cases. And of course I will give the caveat that I should have done this at the start that of course everyone's different, right? To say like anxious people do this and avoidant people do that, universally categorically, the end overly simplistic. So this is not gospel, this is not universal, but it is often true in a general sense.

Stephanie Rigg [00:14:05]:

And that is to say that for avoidant leaning folk you'll recall I was saying, as a relationship becomes more strained towards the end, anxious folks dial up the intensity and they ramp up their attempts at fixing, saving, controlling, getting closer, problem solving. One more chance they might engage in more conflict and more demands in this desperate effort to get engagement and to turn the ship around. Avoidant folks, as things get more strained, become more and more overwhelmed and it just SAPS them of energy. It's like it drains the battery so fast because avoidant folks really value relational harmony and for them to feel like a relationship is just constant work, that is a very exhausting experience. I think it's exhausting for anxious folks as well, but it's not exhausting in the sense of like I can't do this, I'm out. Anxious leaning people tend to roll up their sleeves and want to do that work kind of relentlessly rather than walking away and deciding it's too much. For avoidant folks, I think that that just becomes more trouble than it's worth. And reminding ourselves that there is a really different baseline in terms of need to be in a relationship and if aloneness is comfortable, that is the comfort zone.

Stephanie Rigg [00:15:37]:

For a lot of people with avoidant patterns, the being in a relationship is the thing that is challenging them. And so as soon as the relationship becomes consistently tense and strained and conflict ridden, and they're feeling like they're under attack the whole time or like they're constantly being dragged into a three hour long conversation every other day where someone is highly emotional and you're going around in circles. That is not what an avoidant person, they don't get a lot out of that and that can just very quickly tip the scales in favour of this isn't working, this is costing me more than it's giving to me, it's too much, it's too exhausting, it's not working. And so when the relationship has been like that in the lead up to a breakup, the first thing that most avoidant people are going to feel is a sense of relief. There will be this sense of like, okay, I was feeling all of that stress and now that stress is alleviated and I feel free again and I feel relief and it's not like free, woohoo, I'm going to go out and sleep with a bunch of people. I mean, some people might do that and whatever, but I think that to suggest that it's freedom in the sense of, oh, now I'm single, like it's party time. I don't think that that's true. I think it is just a lifting of a huge emotional burden that comes with relational tension over time.

Stephanie Rigg [00:17:06]:

And so for avoidant folks, there is this sense of probably peace and relief retreating to an environment of aloneness where they feel like they're back in control and they don't feel like a failure and a disappointment. Someone's always upset with them and wanting things from them that they can't give. And so you might see that an avoidant person after a breakup is likely to seem pretty fine, particularly at the start. So they might seem to be pretty okay. And you might see them socialising a lot, they might distract themselves because like you, they don't know how to be with those big emotions that might be underneath that relief, but their way of coping with that. Whereas the anxious person tries to get away from those emotions by obsessing over the intellectualization of them and trying to find information and focusing on the other person and trying to solve the problem. Avoidant person tends to avoid and distract and numb. So they might go out and socialise a lot, they might throw themselves into work, they might take up a new hobby or something.

Stephanie Rigg [00:18:17]:

They might just go all in on other areas of life in a way that from the outside, if you're looking at them and you're following them on social media or whatever, you might look and just see them seemingly being fine and looking even like they're thriving. And that's probably pretty excruciating for you if you are more anxious. Because again, as I said at the start, you are interpreting what you are seeing through the lens of what it would mean if you were doing that. So for you, if you a week after a breakup were out socialising heaps and maybe going on a trip or all of those things are unfathomable because you're in this really dark place, you're going, wow, for me to be in that place, I must not care at all. I would have to not care at all. I would have to not miss them at all. I would have to have not even really loved them. I didn't value the relationship.

Stephanie Rigg [00:19:09]:

That's the only way that I could be ready for all of that. But that is just such a projection coming from a very different starting point and a very different experience and emotional landscape and way of coping with things. So while that's likely to be the avoidant person's initial experience, what will often happen is that a few weeks might go by, a month might go by, and then they might start to kind of really come to terms with what's happened. And that initial experience of relief might become something a little bit more sad, or having that grief come up, probably not in the same intense, overwhelming or consuming way as anxious person would, but still like having the, oh, that's sad, I miss them. And this is where you'll see people reaching out or they might like your Instagram story or send a casual message saying, hey, how are you? And I always get anxious attaches going, why would they send me a message? Why would they do that? I haven't heard from them for three weeks and all of a sudden they get this random message. Often that is what's happening, that they've kind of come through the fog of that initial period and realised what's happened. And again, people go, oh, if they missed me, does that mean we should get back together? You know, a lot of you would know that my take on that is not that getting back together is a bad thing or that you should never do that. But I think it's got to be based on a whole lot more than missing each other.

Stephanie Rigg [00:20:44]:

Because that's just going to lead you right back to where you started and you'll be in the same patterns and the same dynamics. As soon as you have that temporary relief of getting back together, you haven't actually resolved anything substantively. There's a really good chance that you'll be right back where you started. But that is kind of the arc or the trajectory that you could expect from a lot of folks with avoidant patterns is that they will seem to be fine and then they might have a bit of a hangover. But it's kind of a delay because of that initial experience of relief and feeling like, oh, thank God I'm not in the midst of that really high conflict, intense, overwhelming dynamic, which is what the tone of a lot of these relationships are right before a breakup. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of those contrasting experiences. Again, I offer that with a view to helping you depersonalise and maybe cheque yourself on those projections and those stories you're telling yourself about like, oh, that's what their behaviour means, they're fine. That means that I'm pathetic and I loved them more and they never cared about me again.

Stephanie Rigg [00:21:58]:

That just really adds to our suffering and is not helpful at all. If this episode is something that you are really needing right now and you're in the midst of a breakup, definitely cheque out my Higher Love course. It's a breakup course. It's very comprehensive and it also has a bonus masterclass called Attachment Styles and Breakups, which is about 45 minutes and is more of a deep dive on the conversation we've had here today. And you can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on Higher Love, so you can enter that code at the checkout and you will save $150. So sending so much love to anyone who is going through a breakup. I know that it's tough. In a couple of weeks time, maybe next week, I'm going to do a Q and A episode all on breakup.

Stephanie Rigg [00:22:44]:

So covering a few different topics because it is one of the areas that I get a lot of requests for support from, from people who listen to the show and who follow me on Instagram and all of those things. So keep an ear out for that if that is something you're going through at the moment. Otherwise, so grateful for you all being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.

Stephanie Rigg [00:23:26]:

Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.

#98 Ghosting: Why It Happens & How to Process

LISTEN: APPLE | SPOTIFY

Does ghosting leave you feeling anxious, confused, and questioning your self-worth? If so, you’re not alone. 

Today, we're diving deep into this all-too-common dating phenomenon. We'll explore  why ghosting occurs, the common impacts it has on self-esteem, and how to give yourself the closure and peace you desire.

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust

• Download the free guide: Attachment 101

• Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment

• Visit my website

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Episode Transcript

Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:

In today's episode, we are talking all about Ghosting. Why it happens, what to do if it happens to you, how to process it, how to emerge on the other side of that experience without feeling really demoralized, without internalizing that and making it all about you, without feeling really deflated and jaded about the whole process of online dating and modern dating and everything that that can entail when practices like Ghosting are, unfortunately, somewhat common and probably more so than they've ever been before. So I'm going to give you a bit of a pep talk around Ghosting, unpacking, as I said, why people might ghost and what you can do about it to keep yourself intact if it does happen to you.

Stephanie Rigg [00:01:16]:

Before we dive into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements. Healing Angst attachment is now closed, so you don't have to listen to me telling you all about that for another few months at least. But I am holding a live masterclass in a few weeks time on Building Trust. So this is going to be around self trust and relational trust and will encompass everything that would fall under that umbrella. So building your own sense of self up so that you can stop doubting yourself so much, that you can really trust in your own perception of a situation, trust in your needs and your ability to advocate for yourself. And also looking at the relational piece. So how to build trust if you have a trust wound from a previous relationship, how to rebuild trust in a relationship if there's been a breach of trust. It's going to be very comprehensive on that very big topic and you can sign up for that via the link in my show notes.

Stephanie Rigg [00:02:12]:

This one is, as I said, a live masterclass. It's nice and affordable and you'll get access to the recording as well if you're unable to join Live. So check that out if you're interested. Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is Stephanie provides an incredible amount of wisdom, comfort and understanding. Her examples of relationship dynamics and behaviours are always so well observed and relevant to coping, whether it's as a people pleaser anxiously attached individual or someone mourning a breakup. Spoiler alert. I'm all three. I've been all three of those as well.

Stephanie Rigg [00:02:41]:

Don't you worry. All the topics that Stephanie dives into show that we're not alone and that these are really common emotions. Talking about it allows for healing and a path to more self worth and respect, which we all need. Thanks so much, Stephanie. Continue to follow your wonderful instincts and heart. Thank you for that review. I really do appreciate your very kind words and I'm glad that the podcast has been a support to you. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses, which by the way, you're able to include the building trust one that I said is coming up.

Stephanie Rigg [00:03:14]:

You can elect to have that as your free masterclass and come along for free. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around Ghosting, why it happens and how to process it. And I should say this was actually in response to when I put the word out on Instagram asking people to submit podcast topic requests. Ghosting was one that came up a number of times. How do I not go into a self worth meltdown spiral if I've been ghosted by someone and I'm feeling really shitty about it? And I think that it's important to set the scene a little here and say that as always, there are degrees. There is a spectrum being ghosted by someone that you've only ever had online contact with versus being ghosted by someone that you're in a relationship with. I know that sounds wild, but some of the stories that I hear from people who've been in proper several year long relationships with a person and being on the brink of moving in together and then the person just disappears off the face of the earth and ghosts in a true sense of the word. So there's obviously degrees and the advice that I'm giving today might vary depending on where you sit on that spectrum.

Stephanie Rigg [00:04:28]:

Obviously, the experience of being ghosted by a relative stranger is going to likely have less of an impact than being ghosted by someone that you're in a fully fledged relationship with and you envisaged a future with. And rightly so in the kind of situation that I just described. So recognising that there are degrees and ghosting can take many forms, but this idea of ghosting so someone is there and then they disappear. They become uncontactable, and they give no explanation. It's kind of unannounced. And it just leaves you reeling, because all of a sudden you don't know what happened and you had expectations and maybe you were really excited about this person. And then all of a sudden that is taken away from you without explanation. So I think when this happens to people who are more anxiously attached and unfortunately, I think that is probably the dynamic is that it tends to be anxious folks on the receiving end because from everything we know about anxious attachment, it's unlikely that you are going to be doing the ghosting.

Stephanie Rigg [00:05:34]:

You are much more likely to be receiving the ghosting, which, as I said, is unfortunate, but it just is what it is. If you are someone who leans more anxious and you get ghosted, what's going to happen? Likely that you are going to spin out to be so overcome with questions and needing to find information and this doesn't make any sense. Poring over every single text message and going but they just said this and only yesterday they were responding and we were making plans. And all of that urge to how can I gather information and go into detective mode to try and make sense of this thing? Did I say something? What was it that I said? Were they angry there? They didn't seem angry based on their reply. How can I rationalise this thing that is sending me into an anxiety spiral? And I just want to say that's not on you. Meaning you're a weirdo for responding in that way, right? That's a normal response to unfortunate and hurtful and confusing behaviour. Ghosting is not good behaviour. It's not acceptable, it's not kind, it's not respectful, and it's absolutely understandable that you would respond to that by seeking answers.

Stephanie Rigg [00:06:46]:

But the great irony of this, and I've spoken about this before in the context of more broadly, like toxic relationships or really dysfunctional relationships, when they end that they can leave us with so many unanswered questions and just desperate for clarity and closure. And I just need to get in touch with this person and sit down with them so that they can explain to me what the hell happened, so I can make sense of it and make my peace with it and move on with my life, at least in a way that closes the chapter and it feels somewhat resolved. But when it just goes from one direction to falling off a cliff and I feel like I'm standing there looking around dazed and confused, not knowing what happened, that's a really challenging thing for the brain to make sense of and make peace with. I think Ghosting really falls into that same bucket with the added challenge of if someone has ghosted, the likelihood of them suddenly showing up and being available to have a closure wrap up conversation with you. Highly unlikely, right? And people always say to me, if someone ghosts, should you reach out and ask them for more explanation? Should I keep pushing and trying? Should I try contacting them and see why they ghosted? And again, I understand the urge. I understand the desire for resolution. But if you were to zoom out and look at that more objectively query whether this person who did not have the emotional maturity, the emotional capacity, the level of care or respect or investment in you and building a relationship with you to have a challenging conversation in the first place. They weren't able to sit down and say, hey, I'm not feeling it, or, hey, I'm freaking out, or I can't do this for whatever reason, right? The reasons aren't really that important.

Stephanie Rigg [00:08:39]:

The fact is that they couldn't bring themselves to do that or they didn't care enough to put themselves through the discomfort of having an honest conversation with you in the first place. That is why they resorted to ghosting. And I think in that case it's really unlikely that they're going to turn around and have developed magically the capacity to sit down and have an audit conversation with you where you do a post mortem and they explain themselves in a way that is helpful and allows you to do that emotional processing. So recognizing that Ghosting, while very unskillful and disrespectful is in a funny way its own form of communication, right? This person is telling you everything that you need to know in Ghosting and what they're telling you is I do not have capacity to be in relationship with you. Right? And please take that as a comment on their constraints. And ultimately, and I know that this is easier said than done, try and experience this as a gift because this person has revealed to you what their capacity is and there's a good chance that that capacity constraint would have been a barrier to intimacy at some other point in the relationship in any case, right? Because it's not just the ghosting. The ghosting is the behaviour that springs from that emotional unavailability which is really the core issue at play. And so again, it's not nice.

Stephanie Rigg [00:10:17]:

It feels awful and it feels confusing and it really can very easily lead us to spiral into a lot of self doubt, a lot of worthlessness, a lot of shame and humiliation, embarrassment around being rejected. All of those are very normal feelings and hold those feelings. Don't try and make yourself not feel the thing but at the same time recognise that this person lacks a base level of emotional availability that would have allowed you to build something with them. So in a funny sort of way it's probably a blessing in disguise. Okay? Really if this has happened to you, my strong advice and of course, again, take it or leave it. And I know there's a million exceptions and a million iterations of this and of course take what works leaves what doesn't. But I think that if you can take a person ghosting as information and as an unskillful indirect form of communication of their capacity and investment level in you accept that as it is. Don't try and get anything from them.

Stephanie Rigg [00:11:30]:

And before reaching out to them to just sometimes people will say, okay, I don't expect a reply but I just want to give them a piece of my mind and tell them how much of whatever they are insert profanity here. And look you can do that if you want, but I think that oftentimes you're going to feel worse for it. My personal view is take the high road. Don't fire off angry texts that are just trying to beat someone down. I know that some parts of us can feel like we're better for it if we tell someone that they're terrible and that they're a piece of work and whatever else, you can get creative with what that message or email might look like. But I think that integrity and dignity and really staying true to our values and true to authenticity and self worth, I don't know that we have to stoop to the level of unleashing on someone and going on a tirade because I think that that is descending to the level of the person who has hurt you. Rather than holding your head up high and declining to participate in dynamics like that, you can tell someone that you're disappointed. But again, I think the golden rule here is if you are going to be hanging out for their reply in a way that is going to destabilize you and consume you, don't send the message.

Stephanie Rigg [00:12:54]:

If you think that you can really send any message, whether it's heated or otherwise, and put your phone down and walk away and genuinely feel a sense of closure and detachment after you've done that, then fine, you can do that and that is absolutely at your discretion. If you're going to fire that message off and then be checking your phone every minute of every day for the next three weeks, waiting for their response, and you're going to be checking whether they've been online and checking, checking, checking, because I need to know whether they've seen it and whether they're going to reply, then I don't think that that's advisable. And I think that, you know, deep down, that that is not really helping you to let go. All of that being said, try to honor the emotions that come with this process because as I said, completely normal and natural. It's not a pleasant experience, it is not kind, it's not respectful, and it is normal and natural that you would feel hurt and disappointed and confused and embarrassed. All of those things are very normal, right? But try not to take that leap from those emotions to I'm worthless and this always happens to me because people don't like me and no one's ever going to like me. And all of those stories that really take us from pain to suffering and keep us stuck there, that's my quick Hot take on Ghosting. As I said, I think that unfortunately it's common enough that I hear about it all the time.

Stephanie Rigg [00:14:18]:

And unfortunately, I think with online dating there is a level of anonymity and a lack of accountability that allows people to just be lazy and be selfish and not be terribly considerate of the people that they are interacting with. But if that happens to you, you can very confidently rest assured that that is not the kind of person that you want to build a relationship with. Again, it's not to say they're a terrible person, but they lack the capacity, they lack the emotional availability and it's better you find that out sooner rather than later, even if it's not under circumstances that we would like as always. I hope that that has been helpful, you guys, and if you have enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review, a five star rating. If you're on Spotify, share it with the people in your life, share it on social media. It all adds up. And I am always so appreciative of all of your support. So thank you for being here, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.

Stephanie Rigg [00:15:10]:

Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.