#175: Perfectionism & Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
Key themes covered:
The links between perfectionism and anxious attachment patterns
How perfectionism manifests in relationships (performing, people-pleasing, fear of making mistakes)
The connection between perfectionism and fear of abandonment
Why perfectionism creates distance in relationships despite our intentions for closeness
How perfectionism impacts vulnerability and emotional intimacy
We discuss practical steps for:
Recognising perfectionist patterns in your relationships
Moving from self-criticism to self-compassion
Embracing "good enough" in relationships
Building tolerance for imperfection
Showing up authentically in relationships
Navigating Perfectionism and Anxious Attachment in Relationships
In the intricate world of human emotions, our attachment styles profoundly influence how we interact with others, particularly in romantic relationships. Among these, anxious attachment and perfectionism often coalesce into an intricate dance of fear, striving, and yearning for acceptance. Many people, burdened by an underlying sense of unworthiness, find themselves trapped in a cycle of perfectionism, believing that flawless performance is the key to love and acceptance. Understanding the intersection of these patterns can offer a pathway to more authentic, fulfilling relationships.
Understanding Perfectionism and Its Roots
Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a quirky trait—something harmless or perhaps even admirable, akin to having a tidy desk or neat handwriting. In reality, perfectionism runs far deeper. At its core, it is a protective strategy, a response to the fear of rejection and failure. The driving belief here is, "If I'm not perfect, I am unworthy of love and acceptance." This fear-based striving for flawlessness is not simply about being meticulous—it's about a profound dread of the consequences that perceived imperfections might bring: rejection, disapproval, and the ultimate terror, abandonment.
For many, this unrelenting pursuit of perfection is tied to a deep-seated fear of not being good enough—a common experience among those with anxious attachment styles. This belief can lead to an exhausting cycle of self-criticism and shame, where any slip-up feels catastrophic, and self-compassion seems impossible. This internal battle often spills over into relationships, where anxiously attached individuals may feel they must be perfect to earn their partner's love and approval.
The Perfectionism-Anxious Attachment Cycle
Anxious attachment is characterised by a heightened sensitivity to the fear of abandonment. Those who experience it often live in a constant state of alert, scanning for possible signs of rejection. This vigilance can manifest in perfectionistic behaviours—endeavouring to be the "ideal" partner who offers everything their loved one might need to prevent them from leaving.
However, this approach is a double-edged sword. While it might temporarily soothe fears of rejection, it also prevents genuine connection. The relentless effort to be perfect and the resulting inauthenticity block true vulnerability and intimacy—the very ingredients needed for a trusting relationship. As individuals hide parts of themselves they deem unloveable, they feel unseen and unchosen, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and the cycle of anxious attachment.
Breaking Free: Cultivating Self-Compassion and Authenticity
The journey towards healing these patterns begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. Recognising when perfectionism takes the wheel is the first step. Acknowledging the underlying fears and wounds allows individuals to separate their true selves from the protective strategies they have adopted. It is about gently turning towards oneself with curiosity rather than judgement.
Cultivating a kinder internal dialogue—one that embraces all parts of the self, not just the polished, curated versions—can ease the grip of perfectionism. The more individuals can accept and love themselves unconditionally, the less reliant they become on external approval to validate their worth. This shift creates space for vulnerability, allowing for more authentic and meaningful connections.
The Role of Relationships in Healing
While self-work is the foundation, healing from anxious attachment and perfectionism is also relational. Positive experiences in relationships can be incredibly healing for those who have struggled with these patterns. Being with someone who sees and loves you in all your imperfect glory can dismantle the long-held belief that you're only worthy of love when you are perfect. Such relationships, characterised by safety and trust, offer a nurturing environment where one can slowly release the shield of perfectionism and embrace vulnerability.
In these relationships, true intimacy is nurtured. You begin to understand that you do not have to be perfect to be lovable, and that imperfections do not diminish your value. Instead, they can become bridges to deeper connection when shared with the right person.
Conclusion
Overcoming the entwined challenges of anxious attachment and perfectionism is undoubtedly a journey—a process of slowly reconstructing one's beliefs about worthiness and love. It involves embracing the messiness and imperfection of being human and recognising that worth is innate, not something to be earned through flawless performance. With self-compassion as a guide and authentic relationships as safe havens, it's entirely possible to experience relationships where you are loved for exactly who you are, not who you think you need to be. Through this healing, our connections can become truly rewarding spaces of acceptance and mutual respect.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt the need to be perfect in a relationship. What fears or insecurities might have been driving that need for perfection?
Consider the idea that perfectionism could be a protective strategy. What might your perfectionism be trying to protect you from in your closest relationships?
How has the pursuit of perfection impacted your ability to be authentic with others? What might be different if you allowed yourself to show more of your true self?
Discuss the connection between perfectionism and shame as explained in the episode. In what ways do you recognize this interplay in your own life?
Reflect on how perfectionism and people-pleasing manifest in your relationships. Can you identify moments where you've abandoned your true desires to maintain an image of perfection?
Think about the idea that perfectionism could hinder vulnerability in relationships. How might embracing your imperfections encourage deeper connections with others?
What does the concept of "self-compassion" mean to you, and how might cultivating it help in reducing perfectionistic tendencies?
Have you ever experienced self-criticism as a result of failing to meet your own standards? How did that experience affect your self-worth or relationships?
Consider the notion of presenting a "false version" of yourself to others. What are the risks and rewards of letting those close to you see the parts of yourself that you often hide?
What might be some first steps you can take to start softening perfectionistic patterns in your life? How could this change the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about perfectionism and the role that it plays in our relationships, how it intersects with our attachment patterns. So I've actually done an episode a while ago, probably a couple of years ago now, on the role of perfectionism in anxious avoidant dynamics and how relationally, patterns of perfectionism can influence how we perceive our partner from an anxious perspective and an avoidant perspective. I'll link that episode in the show notes. What I'm really talking about today is probably more from the perspective of anxious attachment and how our self perception can be governed by perfectionism and how perfectionism really is a protective strategy, like most everything else that we experience in relationships, where it comes from, what it is protecting against, and how we can maybe soften some of those patterns so that we can experience more self acceptance, more ease, more trust in our relationship.
[00:01:32]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. My Secure Self Challenge started two days ago. It's a twenty eight day challenge for building self worth. And as we'll be talking about in today's episode, building deep, embodied self worth is absolutely essential to overcoming patterns of self protection like perfectionism. As I said, the challenge officially kicked off on Monday this week, but I will be leaving registration open until the end of the week if there are any last minute people who want to squeeze in to this round. I run it usually twice a year, so if you are interested, there probably won't be another opportunity to participate in the challenge until the second half of the year. So as I said, link is in the show notes.
[00:02:14]:
You can go and check that out and join us if that appeals. Second quick announcement. I can't believe that I haven't actually shared this on the podcast. It's a little embarrassing because it speaks to how disorganized I am, but I created a free resource a couple of months ago now, that I've shared on Instagram. So if you follow me there, you've probably already seen it. But it is called the anxious attachment starter kit. As I said, it's completely free. It includes a video where I speak about my own journey with anxious attachment and and how I healed my anxious attachment.
[00:02:44]:
It also includes a workbook with journal prompts looking at anxious attachment and those patterns, and it also includes an exclusive guided meditation on affirmations for anxious attachment, sort of self soothing. So those are all exclusive resources in this anxious attachment starter kit. So if you'd like to download that completely for free, I've linked that in the show notes as well, or you can head to my website and check out the freebies page there, and it is listed. Again, my apologies. I haven't shared that here sooner. That is terribly disorganized of me. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around perfectionism and how it interfaces with our attachment wounds and our patterns in relationships.
[00:03:24]:
So I think there can be some misconceptions around perfectionism. I think sometimes when we talk about perfectionism casually, it's almost spoken about as if it's just like mild neuroticism, someone who has, like, a perfectly tidy desk at work, or who has immaculately neat handwriting, or is very particular about how things have to be. But in reality, I think perfectionism goes a lot deeper than that. And I think for most of us, perfectionism is really coming from this place of, if I am not perfect, then I will be unloved, I will be not good enough, I will be rejected, cast out, judged, disapproved of. So it's this sense of, like, desperately striving to earn our worth by not allowing ourselves to be imperfect. And I think that's actually a much better way of looking at it. Perfectionism is not about, like, wanting to be perfect. I mean, it is, but it's coming from the place of fear of what it would mean if we weren't perfect.
[00:04:27]:
And for those of us who struggle with unworthiness, which is frankly, I think most of us, certainly most of the people who listen to this podcast, and certainly anyone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns and and probably disorganized attachment patterns as well, this deep worthiness wound or unworthiness wound that we carry that has us believe that we are not good enough and that we have to earn or prove our worth somehow. We have to earn people's love, affection, approval. And perfectionism emerges as a way for us to do that. It's our system trying to present a version of ourselves that is flawless, because we believe that any cracks in the armor, anything we do wrong, we put one foot out of line, and that's going to be the trigger for people rejecting us, disapproving of us, excluding us, not loving us, leaving us. Right? And so we start to see that this is actually a strategy that's protecting against a lot of those core wounds, and that's really where perfectionism intersects with our attachment patterns and our attachment style. And, you know, relationally, I think for most people with anxious attachment, as you would know, the abandonment wound and that fear of rejection is so at the heart of your attachment style and everything that you fear in relationships. Right? And so for anxiously attached people, there's this sense that I have to be perfect or else you're going to leave me. And I think that actually, you know, patterns of jealousy and comparison and lots of other things that anxious attachers will experience in relationships, I think, are branches off the same tree.
[00:06:05]:
It's this sense of, like, I'm always looking over my shoulder. I'm always scanning for threats because I think you're gonna leave me for someone else because I'm not good enough. And so I try to be perfect. I compare myself to everyone else who's sort of in our orbit to make sure that there are no threats. There's nothing else I should be doing in order to get you and keep you. The other side of that, and this is something that Brene Brown talks about, is like, the flip side of perfectionism is shame. Because if we fail, or are seen to fail, we do something wrong. Shame is very quick to jump in and punish us with self criticism and blame and pointing the finger of, if anything bad happens, it's because of you and you're not good enough in sort of an essential way.
[00:06:51]:
There's really no space for self compassion, for self forgiveness, when we are stuck in these rigid patterns of perfectionism and shame. And that is a really painful and fractured internal relationship because we become our own worst enemy there. We've got such exacting standards for how we have to be, and they really are unattainable and unsustainable. And so we live in this constant anxiety of knowing that sooner or later we will make a mistake because we are human, and yet also knowing that we're going to beat ourselves up for that, and the the immense shame that we will feel if and when we do do something wrong or make a mistake or, we are seen to be imperfect, that lurking shame that we carry that's going to bubble up to the surface feels like it's going to swallow us, and that's so aversive. Right? Like, we want to avoid that as much as we possibly can, and so, of course, that really narrows our window of tolerance. That makes us really anxious around trying to avoid certain experiences, and there's just more and more contraction in our system as we walk this tightrope of perfectionism and shame. The other challenging thing about perfectionism in relationships is the way that it links in with patterns of people pleasing and self abandonment, right? If we think that we have to be perfect in order to be lovable, or to get our partner to choose us, to get someone to commit to us, to to stop them from leaving us, then we're almost certainly not being authentic, right? Because no one is authentically perfect, and perfectionism is essentially a performance. It's, you know, suppressing certain parts of us and dialing up others, over functioning, overworking, striving all the time, never really resting in an easeful, peaceful place.
[00:08:47]:
Because, again, we've always got this lurking thing of, if you do anything wrong really bad, things are going to happen. And so it actually blocks us from vulnerability. It blocks us from deeply, authentically connecting with someone, because we're not letting them see all of these parts of ourselves. Right? We've siloed and exiled and buried away all the parts of ourselves that we deem to be imperfect, unacceptable, unlovable. And when we do that and we're presenting this false version of ourselves that is very curated and, you know, carefully selected as the parts of us that we decide are worthy of love, then we're actually not giving someone a chance to really know us and to really love us and to really choose us. And it becomes this almost self perpetuating thing where deep down we know that it's unsustainable, maybe not consciously, but if it works, if someone chooses us because of this very narrow version that we've presented to them, then it's almost so exhausting and tiring to know that we have to keep that up in order to maintain their love, their approval, the connection. And so knowing that, like, we have to then continue to hide all these parts of ourselves that we've deemed unlovable is actually a very, very challenging way to be in a relationship. It's never going to lead to the the safety, the security, that deep enduring, relaxing love that you so deeply yearn for and crave.
[00:10:17]:
And so you can start to see that, like, even though it might be the only way you've ever been in relationships and you don't really have any concept of what another way would look like, Hopefully, you're starting to see that perfectionism as applied to relationships, and not even just romantic relationships. Right? You're probably if you are like this, there's a good chance that you do this in a lot of settings. Maybe you do it at work. You don't allow yourself to ever show any kind of vulnerability or imperfection, and you're deeply convinced that if you were to do that, people would turn on you very quickly, people would judge you, people would cast you out, or other bad consequences would flow from that. Similarly, in social settings, you might be convinced that people don't like you and that you've got to be, you know, completely perfect all the time in order for people to want to be around you. These are all really common branches off the tree, as I said earlier. So I think as with everything, awareness really helps, and starting to notice when that perfectionist part is at the wheel and what it might be trying to keep you safe from in that moment. So if you notice yourself being really rigid and comparing yourself to other people, being terrified of showing a part of you that you think is, you know, too messy or ugly or or whatever else, really turning towards yourself in that moment and just noticing allows you to create distance between the part of you that is using that perfectionistic strategy and whatever other part of you might be underneath that's harboring these deep fears and wounds, and then the you that is observing all of that.
[00:11:58]:
And in creating that space, we we start to create the possibility for another way, rather than it all just feeling really contracted and constricted and all consuming. And the more that we can turn towards that with genuine compassion and curiosity, because everything that I've been describing, that's coming from a very tender place, a part of you that deeply yearns to be accepted and wrapped in someone's unconditional love, and yet the way that we go about trying to get that for ourselves, we we want to be able to do it while sidestepping any risk or vulnerability. And, of course, as I've said, that actually blocks us from authentic, connected relationships with people who want to see the real us and who really choose all of us and accept all of us. So it's actually, as always, it begins with you. The the starting point is trying to cultivate more self compassion and self acceptance so that we aren't harboring these beliefs that certain parts of us are unacceptable and that we cannot possibly show them to another person because no one could ever love that. The more that we can wrap that in love and the more we can wrap that in compassion and acceptance, then those protective parts will start to soften because we go like, I'm I'm okay with all of me. That doesn't mean we give ourselves a free pass to behave however we want. It doesn't mean that everything we've ever done coming from those wounded places is like great behavior.
[00:13:30]:
But the more we can hold compassion, the more that we can recognize the humanness underneath it all, and we naturally become less reliant on protective strategies that tell us that we need to be living from fear and anxiety all the time because really terrible things are gonna happen, and people are gonna reject us, and we're not enough, and all of that. When we start to really anchor into our value, and we start to really honor and recognize and appreciate that, that's when things naturally start to shift. More space opens up within us, and we actually start to gravitate towards relationships with people that feel more authentic, that feel safer, and where we feel a sense of trust in showing ourselves to someone in being truly vulnerable. And that is incredibly healing. Having those experiences is really so, so important and so healing for those parts of you that are convinced that that could never happen. So if you're someone who struggles with perfectionism, I know I certainly do, a few years ago my therapist, we were talking about perfectionism and unrelenting standards and in lots of different areas of life, but particularly for me at the time, we were talking about it in the context of work, and my therapist gave me, like, a little homework assignment, and she told me to create an Instagram post with a typo in it, and my response was like, absolutely not. Not gonna happen. Thanks anyway.
[00:14:58]:
Why would I do that? And, of course, as with all of these things, it's it's less about actually doing it and more about recognizing your response to it, and obviously my response to that was very telling because the the immediate things that that part of me that struggles with perfectionism comes back with is like, why would I want to do that? What would people think? People will think I'm sloppy or unprofessional or stupid or careless or whatever other things. Right? And that obviously speaks to how I judge things like that. Again, like, we we tend to project these unrelenting standards onto others as well. So I've still never done that. I've still never deliberately made a typo on an Instagram post. But I think, as I've spoken to, the more we can anchor in our sense of self worth and value, the more that we can trust that we bring so much more than some false facade of perfectionism. People don't love us for only the shiny parts, and that people will love us for all of it if we can be brave and courageous enough to let them, and of course discerning enough around who we share our our vulnerability with and our authentic selves with because that's a piece as well. We want to be creating the safe containers so that all of our parts are handled with love and care.
[00:16:19]:
Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful for you if you're someone who does struggle with perfectionism in understanding and connecting the dots a little on maybe why that's something you struggle with, where it comes from, and what you can start to do to shift those patterns, which essentially, as with so many things, boils down to how can I turn towards myself with self compassion and self acceptance? How can I allow myself to be human in the same way that I hopefully allow others to be human? And the more that we can build that self worth, the more that we trust that our value goes beyond just being perfect. And that then paves the way for safe, authentic relationships where we can bring our whole selves and we can relax a little on those defensive strategies, those self protective patterns that are originating from a wounded part of us that doesn't believe that we can be loved unless we're perfect. So thank you so much for joining me. Always grateful for those of you who leave a rating or a review. I read every single one of them. For people who are watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. That would be hugely helpful. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks so much, guys.
[00:17:31]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Perfectionism, relationships, attachment patterns, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, abandonment wound, self-worth, self-compassion, self-acceptance, vulnerability, shame, people pleasing, self-abandonment, authenticity, relational dynamics, Secure Self Challenge, attachment wounds, protective strategy, self-perception, secure relationships, self-protection, unworthiness, fear of rejection, Brene Brown, jealousy, comparison, attachment style, anxiety in relationships, love and approval, connection, thriving relationships.
#161: How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Relationships
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
Key points include:
Feelings of instability in relationships: Many with fearful avoidant attachment feel fine when single, but painful emotions surface in relationships, often leading to blaming their partner.
Impact of partner's attachment style: A hallmark of fearful avoidant attachment is the shift between anxious and avoidant behaviours, which can vary from one partner to the next depending on the attachment combinations.
Idealising vs. villainising partners: There’s a tendency to place partners on a pedestal at times, but then quickly villainise them when triggered or threatened.
Fear of intimacy vs. longing for connection: Fearful avoidants deeply crave closeness, but a core fear of rejection — often rooted in shame — makes true intimacy feel unsafe. Fear of betrayal and difficulties with trust are also common.
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Triggerhere✨
Understanding Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Navigating relationships can be a challenging journey, especially when attachment styles come into play. One of the most complex attachment styles is the fearful avoidant attachment. People with this style often find themselves yearning for intimacy but simultaneously feeling petrified by the prospect of it. This paradox of wanting closeness yet fearing it creates a series of intricate dynamics within relationships that can be difficult to manage for both partners involved. Let's delve deeper into how fearful avoidant attachment manifests in relationships and explore ways to navigate these challenges.
The Push-Pull Dynamic
Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment frequently experience a push-pull dynamic in their relationships. On one hand, they deeply crave connection and intimacy. They are often described as "hopeless romantics" who idealise relationships and partner prospects. The initial phase of a relationship can feel exhilarating as they may place their partner on a pedestal, believing this could be the person to save them from past relational pains.
However, as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate, a profound fear takes hold. Fearful avoidant individuals have an ingrained belief that those closest to them hold the power to inflict the most harm. This fear triggers protective mechanisms, causing them to pull away from their partner, sometimes abruptly. This shift from intense closeness to sudden distance can be bewildering for their partners, leading to a cycle of confusion and hurt.
Impact of Shame and Self-Loathing
A core aspect of fearful avoidant attachment is a deep-seated sense of shame and self-loathing. Many people with this attachment style feel inherently broken and unworthy of love. This belief fuels their protective behaviours, aiming to conceal these so-called "unlovable" parts of themselves.
Experiences of shame often intertwine with secrecy. Fearful avoidant individuals might hide parts of themselves or be less than honest in relationships. The thought of being truly seen and known is both a longing and a terror. Revealing their authentic selves is frightening, as they worry it will confirm their worst fears of rejection and inadequacy.
Relationship Triggers and Reactions
Fearful avoidant individuals respond differently depending on their partner's attachment style. For instance, if their partner displays dismissive avoidant behaviours—creating emotional distance or being noncommittal—it can trigger abandonment fears in the fearful avoidant person. This can lead to clingy, anxious behaviours and an overwhelming need for reassurance.
Conversely, if their partner has an anxious attachment style, seeking constant closeness and reassurance, the fearful avoidant individual may feel smothered. This suffocation triggers their fear of engulfment and loss of independence, prompting them to pull away, criticise their partner, or appear flaky and noncommittal.
Understanding these triggers can help fearful avoidant individuals and their partners navigate the complexities of their relational dynamics more mindfully, fostering empathy and patience.
Strategies for Creating Safety
While the challenges of fearful avoidant attachment can seem daunting, there is hope. Here are some strategies for creating more safety and stability in relationships:
Increase Self-Awareness: Recognising one's own patterns and triggers is a crucial first step. Understanding why you react a certain way allows you to address the root cause rather than just the symptoms.
Communicate Openly: Honest communication is vital in any relationship, but especially so for those with fearful avoidant tendencies. Sharing your fears and struggles with your partner can foster understanding and intimacy.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in working through attachment issues. A professional can offer guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore these deep-seated fears.
Establish Boundaries: Creating clear boundaries can help manage feelings of being overwhelmed. This might include setting aside time for personal space or defining limits on emotional sharing.
Practice Self-Compassion: Work on cultivating a kinder inner dialogue. Recognise that feeling scared or overwhelmed does not make you unworthy of love. Embracing self-compassion can gradually reduce feelings of shame and self-loathing.
Build Emotional Safety: Focus on building a relationship environment characterised by trust, consistency, and emotional support. Both partners should feel safe expressing themselves without fear of judgement or rejection.
A Journey Towards Healing
Understanding and addressing fearful avoidant attachment is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, both from the person experiencing it and their partner. Remember, the journey towards secure attachment and healthier relationships is made up of small, consistent steps. It's about creating a safe environment where openness, vulnerability, and trust can flourish, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.
While the path may be challenging, it is also profoundly rewarding. By addressing attachment fears and working towards vulnerability and connection, individuals can experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Healing from fearful avoidant attachment is possible, and with self-awareness, support, and dedication, one can build the foundations for a loving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself idolising your partner at the beginning of a relationship, only to later feel disillusioned? How do you think this impacts your emotional wellbeing and the stability of your relationships?
When you're not in a relationship, do you notice a significant difference in your emotional regulation and sense of control? How might being single allow you to feel more secure and grounded?
Reflect on a time when you abruptly pulled away from someone close to you. What fears or insecurities do you think were triggered in that moment that led to your withdrawal?
If you identify with fearful avoidant attachment, in what ways do you feel seen or unseen in your relationships? How does this perception shape your interactions and emotional responses?
Consider the role of shame in your relational patterns. Are there parts of yourself that you feel need to be hidden? How does this secrecy affect your ability to form deep, authentic connections?
Have you ever found yourself fluctuating between feeling intensely connected to a partner and feeling the urge to push them away? What triggers these shifts for you, and how do they influence your relationship dynamics?
How do you navigate feelings of defensiveness and criticism from your partner or yourself? What strategies might help you create a sense of safety and reduce reactivity in those moments?
Reflect on any patterns of blaming your partner for relationship issues. To what extent do you think these patterns might be rooted in your own fears and insecurities?
In relationships where you feel overly anxious or avoidant, what core fears do you think are being highlighted by your partner's behaviour? How might recognising these fears help you respond more constructively?
If you have a history of feeling "broken" or "defective," how does this belief impact your relationships? What steps can you take to challenge these beliefs and foster more secure and loving connections?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships. So whenever I talk about fearful avoidant attachment, I always get this resounding feedback of more. Please talk more about fearful avoidant attachment. And as I've said, I think that that's because there tends to be a bit less, by way of content, around fearful avoidant attachment relative to anxious attachment and even avoidant attachment.
[00:00:58]:
And I know that many folks who struggle with fearful avoidant attachment are what we might call seekers, people who really want to understand themselves better and so are really hungry for information that feels validating and illuminating as to, you know, why they struggle with the things that they struggle with. And so I'm hoping that in today's episode, it's going to be a little bit free form in the sense that I'm just going to be sharing tidbits of things that fearful avoidant attaches are likely to experience and struggle within their relationships, you know, how that attachment style shows up, some things that you might expect. And I'm hoping that this will be insightful both for people who identify with that attachment style and folks who might be in relationship with someone with that attachment style and those patterns, so that you can understand a little more what drives it. Maybe you can feel seen. I think that many folks with those attachment patterns can feel quite broken. And so I think anyone who has that tendency towards feeling broken, feeling like there's something wrong with them, it can be extremely validating and encouraging to realize that you're far from alone in your experience. And not only is there an explanation, but there is hope. It's not something that you are condemned to struggle with for the rest of your life.
[00:02:12]:
There are things that you can do to shift those patterns towards something that feels more sturdy, more stable, more secure, and can give you some relief from that inner turmoil. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of announcements. As I've shared a bit recently, I've got some exciting events coming up in Australia. A workshop in Sydney at the end of November, and a retreat in Byron Bay in May next year. I've also got some really exciting things in the pipeline, brand new things online, and I'm not quite ready to announce that yet. I know that sounds very cagey. It's mostly because I haven't finalized the details, and I don't want to log myself into anything prematurely.
[00:02:53]:
But if you're interested in, you know, any or all of those things, I really encourage you to jump on my email list. I send out a weekly ish newsletter. I'd love to be able to say every Thursday morning at 10 AM, it goes out like clockwork. Sadly, I am not that organized, but I send out a weekly ish newsletter that dives deep into the types of themes that I explore in my podcast. Sometimes it is a deep dive into a podcast episode, sort of in an extended blog post format. I have over 30,000 people who receive my email newsletters, and I always get really beautiful feedback. So if you're interested in receiving those newsletters just for the fun of it, jump on my email list and with the added bonus that that is where I always announce things first, opportunities to work with me and new programs, new offerings. My email list always gets first dibs on that.
[00:03:38]:
So if you're interested in any of those ways to work with me, for the in person stuff, you can go straight to my website and sign up. Or for the upcoming things that I haven't quite announced yet, jump on my email list and you'll be the first to hear. Okay. So let's dive into talking about fearful avoidant attachment and how it shows up in relationships. So I think it's helpful to say at the outset that for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, when they're not in a relationship, they feel pretty under control, relatively speaking. They might feel like they have a reasonable grip on their, you know, emotional regulation. Things like reactivity, which can really come out a lot in relationships, very easily triggered, might be less apparent when they're not in a relationship. For some people, it'll be, like, you know, night and day, like, they're totally fine when they're single, but once they get into a relationship, all of that stuff really rises to the surface very quickly.
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For some others, I would say those patterns of reactivity and being very easily triggered by other people, being very sensitive to perceived criticism and feeling very defensive, those things can bleed into other areas of life, so friendships or working relationships. But for the most part, I would say that people with fearful avoidant attachment will feel more under control when they're not in a relationship. And that makes sense when we think about the fact that for fearful avoidant folks, they have an imprint around relationships, that the people closest to me have the greatest capacity to hurt me. I really long for that connection and intimacy, but I'm so afraid of it when I get close to it, that all of my protective parts come out with guns blazing so fierce in their commitment to keeping me safe from all of the things that I associate with intimacy, which are a lot of fears. So it can be really disorienting and confusing for someone with fearful avoidant attachment, and for someone who's in relationship with someone with fearful avoidant attachment, that they can really seek out relationships. I think that there is this hopeless romantic part in many fearful avoid people. They do have, at least on the surface, a positive association with relationships, in that they are inclined to seeking them out. They want love, they want connection, and so they sort of move towards that and seek that.
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And I think initially there can be a tendency to pedestalize a partner, to really idolize them and to think like, this is it, right? This is the person I've been waiting for, and in this relationship, unlike all the others, everything's going to be great. All of my demons are going to sort of dissolve because this person's going to be the one. I'm not going to have to struggle in the ways that I've struggled previously. I'm going to it's almost like this is my salvation. And so there can be this tendency to really look up to someone that they're initially drawn to and attracted to and seeking out relationship with. And I think for the person on the other side of that equation, that can feel you know, really wonderful, as it does at the start of a relationship. I think we can all put a partner on a pedestal at the start of a relationship and kind of see them through rose colored glasses. But I think the fearful avoidant really does do this a lot, And I think they not only do they think the partner's amazing, but they do tend to have these stories, whether conscious or not, that this partner is going to kind of be their ticket out of all of that stuff that they've struggled with for so long.
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And this is where it gets really challenging because inevitably, there's a fall from grace there. Right? The higher you put someone on a pedestal, the further they have to fall. And so I think that as the relationship progresses, as things get closer, more intimate, the fearful avoidant will invariably be brought into contact with their wounds, their sensitivities, because intimacy is such a sore point, is such a challenge for them, that as much as they yearn for it and seek it out and long for it, when they get it, when they get close to it, it actually really terrifies them. And that can be as confusing for them as it is for the other person. Right? It's not like they've done this in a really cold and calculated way. I think that if you spend too much time in certain areas of the Internet that are talking about, like, love bombing and narcissism and all of that, it's not to say that that doesn't happen, but that's really not what's happening for someone with fearful avoidant attachment. It's not a manipulative strategy to try and hurt someone, and it is as confusing for them as it is for the other person. The fact that they can go from all in and really excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so smitten with the other person to really turning.
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And the turn can be quite pronounced. It can be really extreme. It's not just, you know, a a fade out. They can go from thinking someone is this, like, incredible, best person I've ever met, love of my life, to thinking that they are just the worst. Right? You are my worst enemy. You are, you know, total villain. And oftentimes they can't explain that in rational terms. But it's so persuasive and it's so real, this almost sense of hatred towards their partner that can kind of fall upon them so quickly that you can have one small rupture.
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And the fear and the rage and the heat that comes up in them directed towards their partner can feel so intense. And oftentimes, the only way they know how to deal with that is by pulling away, by pushing away, by getting as far away from their partner as they can. And I think that, I would argue deep down, most folks with fearful avoidant detachment know that the blame they place on a partner is probably not the full picture because deep down, and really this is another key piece here, at the heart of fearful avoidant detachment is a lot of shame, a lot of feeling broken, feeling like there is something really fundamentally wrong with me, and kind of almost self loathing a lot of the time. And so as much as their protective strategy is to push someone away, blame them, make them the bad guy, I think depending on the level of self awareness, I think on some level, many people would know that deep down they feel like they're the bad guy, and they're pushing someone away to both save the other person and save themselves from that. And I think you might even hear someone with fearful avoidant saying things like, you deserve better than me', or 'I just hurt people', I'm too fucked up to be in a relationship', those sorts of sentiments, and so they feel like they almost have to push someone away, both for their own self preservation, because as we said at the start, they feel so much more, kind of, level and grounded when they're not in a relationship. So for their own sake and the sake of this person that they do kind of put on a pedestal and they do feel undeserving of much of the time, it's almost like, I have to save you from me. But it doesn't come out that way. Often that will be cloaked in anger or blame or defensiveness or criticism.
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So all of that can feel really complicated, and it can feel messy and confusing and really painful for everyone involved. I think another key piece, and it sort of ties in with this, both the shame and that longing for intimacy, is that often fearful avoidance will pull away when they feel like someone is getting to see them. So again, it's this sense of, like, I so yearn to be known. I so yearn to be understood and loved and seen. And the idea of that actually happening, the reality of that, is so deeply frightening that as soon as anyone actually gets close to knowing me and seeing me, I'm inclined to consciously or subconsciously come up with some sort of reason to push them away. So I think because shame is such a big piece for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, often shame and secrecy go hand in hand. So there might be certain parts of themselves that they have been, you know, not fully upfront about. They haven't been honest with the people that they're in relationship with.
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And maybe they're really compartmentalizing or not being fully authentic, which I think makes sense when someone feels like there's something wrong with them or they're broken or there is something to be ashamed of. Often, secrecy and pretending and half truths are a strategy to conceal those parts of themselves that you, you know, have deemed to be unacceptable or unlovable. And so while there is this yearning to be known and seen and to have true intimacy with someone, I think that sounds really nice in theory, but in practice, that requires letting someone see parts of you that maybe you've never shown to anyone before. And when you believe at a really fundamental level that no one could ever love those parts because you can't love those parts or you feel you can't love those parts, the idea of someone else actually seeing those, you know, when it's crunch time, that's pretty terrifying. And most people, I would say, will default to a protective part, a protective strategy to stop that from actually having to happen. It takes a huge amount of capacity and self awareness and bravery and vulnerability to actually go there, and a huge amount of safety in the relational container. And so unless you've got that safety established, which arguably is a bit chicken and egg because I think that it's hard to have that level of safety when you haven't been vulnerable, when you haven't been honest and authentic. And so I think that often what will happen is the relationship lacks that level of emotional safety, lacks that level of containment and trust.
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And so when push comes to shove, the idea of actually being vulnerable, being honest, being forthcoming about those parts of you that you've kept secret or that you've hidden away, that can just be so confronting and so daunting that you feel as it's just not worth it. That it's too high risk because if they see that, they'll reject me and they'll confirm everything that I already deeply believe about myself, which is that no one could ever love that if they were to really see that. And so rather than taking that risk of showing yourself to someone, it feels like the safer thing to do is pull back at that point, to end the relationship, to make the other person the problem, to come up with some sort of reason why it's not a good fit. All of these can be kind of different branches of the same tree, which is wanting intimacy, but as soon as I get close to it, I've got to find an exit, because it just feels almost claustrophobic, the idea of being with your back up against the wall and actually having to face the reality of being seen and known by someone fully laid bare without all of those, you know, protectors standing in front of you and keeping that buffer or keeping that distance that has been a safety blanket for you for probably most of your life. So the last piece that I want to speak to and I do apologize. I realize this has been a very all over the place episode. I did I did warn you in the introduction that it was gonna be a little bit stream of consciousness. But one piece that I want to speak to is a question that I get a lot, which is how feeble avoidant attachment might manifest itself or express itself in relationship with different kinds of partners.
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So matched with someone who is dismissive avoidant, are you likely to be more anxious? Whereas with a more anxious partner, are you likely to be more avoidant? And the short answer is yes in most cases. I think when we take a step back and go, okay, attachment styles are basically describing the strategies that we use to create safety for ourselves in relationships. And they also describe what types of things cause us stress or fear in relationships. When we look at it that way and we consider that the fearful avoidant, they experience both anxiety and avoidance. They rank high on both of those metrics. And they also tend to experience the core wounds of both anxious and avoidant attachment. So they struggle with a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection. They also experience that fear of engulfment, that fear of loss of self.
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They're very protective of their independence. They don't want to feel like they're being smothered. They feel defective in relationships and they have a lot of shame around that. So they kind of have aspects of both anxious and avoidant detachment. Because of that, because they, you know, have core wounds from both ends of the spectrum, they have protective strategies to accompany those core wounds or that have grown out of those core wounds. So we can then see that someone with fearful avoidant attachment, if they're in relationship with someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns, it is more likely that that person with dismissive avoidant patterns who's, you know, leaning on their strategies of maybe creating distance, maybe being noncommittal, not being very clear in their feelings, maybe pushing away intimacy, that that is more likely to trigger the abandonment wounds and the fear of rejection in the fearful avoidant. And so it's more likely to enliven the strategies that grow out of that. So trying to get close, trying to get reassurance, you know, trying to get someone to like them, the more people pleasing parts.
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Contrast that with fearful avoidant in relationship with someone with more anxious attachment patterns, who might be more clingy and reassurance seeking and wanting to get closer and closer and closer. That's likely to trigger the intimacy fears of the fearful avoidant. The fears of being smothered, the fear of engulfment, the protectiveness around their independence, and as we just talked about, the shame and the sense of brokenness, that sense of I can't let you get too close because you'll see me and that terrifies me. And so in those circumstances, in that kind of dynamic, you're more likely to get avoidant strategies of pushing them away, of being non committal, of being flaky, of criticising a partner, finding things that are wrong with their partner as a way to create distance. So I think seen against that backdrop, this question that I get all the time from people as if it's a great mystery actually makes perfect sense. That if you have more fearful avoidant patterns and you carry all of those core wounds and fears, that depending on who's on the other side of the equation, you are more likely to animate or manifest different aspects of those strategies depending on what wound is really front and centre for you, what you're being most brought into contact with. So it actually, I think, makes a lot of sense when seen against that backdrop. Okay.
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So I'm going to leave it there. I hope that that was, you know, a helpful, albeit a little bit all over the place, dive into how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships, some of the things that are likely to present as challenges, what you might experience. As I said in the introduction, my intention with this is hopefully to allow you, if this is you, to feel validated, to feel understood, to know that there's perfectly good reasons for why you struggle with the things you struggle with, as is true for all of us. You know, our patterns really make perfect sense in the context of our past experience, and there are things that we can do. You're not inherently broken or defective. You're not just bad at relationships and doomed to struggle forever. It's just really about understanding, okay, what's going on for me here? What am I afraid of? And what could I do to create a little more safety for myself and in my relationships so that I feel able to step towards the edge of what is comfortable for me in a way that allows me to build that capacity and build the container and my ability to hold those things. So hopefully that's been insightful for you.
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As always, really grateful for those of you who leave feedback, leave reviews, and let me know if you want more of this kind of content. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
fearful avoidant attachment, relationships, attachment styles, insecure attachment, emotional regulation, reactivity, intimacy fears, shame, vulnerability, self-awareness, relationship patterns, defensive behaviour, emotional safety, attachment wounds, relationship challenges, core wounds, protective strategies, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of engulfment, fear of loss of self, longing for intimacy, emotional triggers, abandonement wounds, independence in relationships, criticism in relationships, people pleasing, feeling broken, hopeless romantic, dismissive avoidant,