#181: The Demonisation of Avoidant Attachment (& Why It Has to Stop)
In today’s episode, I’m diving into a topic that’s both close to my heart and foundational to how I approach this work: the widespread demonisation of avoidant attachment — and why we need to stop doing it.
In today’s episode, I’m diving into a topic that’s both close to my heart and foundational to how I approach this work: the widespread demonisation of avoidant attachment — and why we need to stop doing it.
It’s all too common, especially in online spaces, for people (often those with anxious attachment) to project blame, anger, and sweeping judgments onto those with avoidant attachment styles. But while that instinct may feel validating in the short term, it actually keeps us stuck.
This episode is a call for compassion and nuance — not just for others, but for ourselves.
Whether you’ve been hurt by someone with avoidant tendencies in the past or are currently struggling with anxious-avoidant dynamics, this conversation will invite you to take a broader, more honest look at the patterns playing out in your relationships and what healing really requires.
In this episode, I cover:
Why avoidant attachment is so often misunderstood and unfairly vilified
How our instinct to blame keeps us stuck in insecure patterns
The deeper origins of avoidant attachment — and how understanding this helps build compassion
Why anger, blame, and black-and-white thinking won’t help you heal
The role of boundaries, discernment, and self-responsibility in moving forward
If you're committed to growing into a more secure, grounded version of yourself, this episode is an invitation to pause and reflect on the narratives you’re holding — about others, and about yourself.
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The Demonisation of Avoidant Attachment: Why It Needs to End
In the world of relationships and attachment theories, misconceptions can often run rampant. One of the most persistent myths revolves around the characterisation of avoidant attachment styles as inherently negative or damaging. The truth, however, is far more nuanced. Turning away from the demonisation of avoidant attachment styles is essential for fostering healthier relationships and personal growth. By understanding the origins and motivations behind avoidant behaviours, we can cultivate compassion and live with greater self-awareness and understanding.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment
To understand avoidant attachment, it's helpful to first consider its roots. Typically, avoidant attachment originates in childhood environments where emotional needs were undervalued or ignored. Children with this attachment style often grew up in homes where expressions of emotion were discouraged, leading them to adapt by relying on self-sufficiency. These individuals learn at an early age to derive their sense of safety not from emotional closeness but from keeping a protective distance. This behavioural pattern is not a choice or a flaw, but rather a learned strategy for protection and survival.
Breaking Down Misconceptions
One of the most common misconceptions about avoidant attachment is that it equates to an aversion to relationships altogether. In reality, individuals with avoidant attachment can and do desire meaningful connections; they simply navigate intimacy differently. The assumption that they are inherently selfish or emotionally unavailable overlooks the protective instincts developed from their formative experiences. Labeling them as such only perpetuates a cycle of misunderstanding and alienation. By viewing avoidant individuals through the lens of their heartfelt history rather than their surface behaviours, we open doors to empathy and understanding.
The Role of Compassion and Curiosity
Compassion plays a pivotal role in reshaping our understanding of avoidant attachment. When we approach those with avoidant tendencies with curiosity and an open heart, we move closer to acceptance and healing. It's crucial to recognise that the behaviours we interpret as distancing are often survival mechanisms. These individuals are not "bad" or defective; they have simply developed a toolkit that prioritises keeping a safe distance to mitigate past pains. Embracing compassion doesn't mean accepting behaviours that hurt us, but it does involve recognising the shared human need for safety and security.
The Pitfall of Blame
For many who have experienced hurt in relationships with those who have an avoidant attachment style, there can be a temptation to assign blame. This blame-based mindset often fuels the demonisation of avoidant attachment, simplifying complex relational dynamics into a binary of victim and villain. However, focusing on blame rarely leads to growth or resolution. Instead, it traps individuals in a cycle of anger and resentment, preventing them from recognising their own areas for growth or the motivations behind their partner's behaviours. Reframing these narratives with a less judgmental, more balanced perspective can aid healing and personal development.
A Balanced Approach to Relationships
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding. This involves recognising and respecting the diverse attachment styles present in any partnership. Discernment is key in navigating these dynamics: understanding your own boundaries and values while allowing space for your partner to express their needs. It is perfectly valid to realise that a particular dynamic, whether with an avoidant individual or any other, may not serve your best interests. However, moving away from judgement and towards a more inquisitive exploration of each other's perspectives ensures that decisions are grounded in understanding rather than animosity.
Moving Forward With Empathy
Ultimately, fostering empathy and a balanced viewpoint towards avoidant attachment isn't about excusing harmful behaviours. It's about creating a culture of acceptance and understanding that allows everyone the space to grow and heal at their pace. This requires both compassion for others and self-responsibility, recognising when certain dynamics do not align with our personal needs. For those working towards secure attachment, detaching from negative stereotypes and engaging with genuine curiosity can transform relationship experiences. By relinquishing blame, we embark on a path that prioritises connection and authentic growth for all involved.
In conclusion, the demonisation of avoidant attachment serves neither personal growth nor healthy relationships. As we shift our perspectives to embrace a more compassionate and nuanced view, we open the door to positive change and greater self-awareness. Understanding avoidant attachment as a natural response to past experiences allows us to see it not as a barrier to connection but as another dimension of the rich tapestry of human relationships. Through these efforts, we can create a more inclusive and understanding environment that celebrates the complexities of each individual's attachment journey.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on any experiences where you may have demonised someone based on their attachment style. What emotions were present, and how did these influence your perspective on the situation?
Consider how you balance compassion and boundaries in your relationships. Are there instances where you extend too much compassion at the expense of your own needs, or vice versa?
How do you react when reading or hearing sweeping generalisations about attachment styles? What inner narratives or biases do you notice?
Reflect on the statement that all attachment strategies are designed to create safety. How do you see this manifest in yourself or those you've been in relationships with?
Think about a time when you felt compelled to label someone in a negative way due to their attachment behaviour. How might shifting towards a more compassionate view change your feelings or responses?
Explore your own healing journey regarding attachment. Can you identify stages similar to those discussed by Stephanie, and what mindset shifts have been significant for you?
Reflect on the idea that anger and blame directed at others can impede personal growth. How have you noticed this in your life, and what steps could you take to shift your focus?
How do you define a healthy relationship based on your non-negotiables, values, and needs? Have there been occasions when focusing on labels or attachment styles distracted you from these fundamentals?
Consider your initial reactions to people with avoidant attachment. Are these perceptions challenged by understanding their origin stories?
Reflect on the importance of self-awareness and growth in relationships. How can you be more open to understanding the personal journeys of those around you, regardless of their attachment style?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I wanna talk about quite a sensitive topic, but one that is really close to my heart and is a guiding principle underpinning a lot of how I approach this work, which is the demonization of avoidant attachment. Now if you've been around here for a while and you're familiar with my philosophy and my approach when it comes to attachment, you'd know that I am big on extending compassion and curiosity to everyone, irrespective of their attachment style. And I'm very deliberate about how I talk about avoidant attachment and anxious attachment, in terms of not villainizing anyone and really encouraging a view of people's behavior and struggles as protective. You know, understanding that all of our attachment strategies are ultimately designed in one way or another to facilitate us creating safety for ourselves, creating a sense of belonging.
[00:01:29]:
As easy as it is when you're on the receiving end of someone's behaviour that you don't like, that triggers something in you to villainize them and to project ill intent onto them, that's so rarely, I would say almost never the case that people set out with the intention to cause harm. And of course, that compassion must be accompanied by discernment and boundaries and self advocacy. Knowing our own limits and being very clear around our standards for what we will and won't tolerate, and knowing what behaviors, what qualities, what traits allow us to thrive in a relationship. So it's not about over indexing on compassion in the sense of condoning any and all behavior because we can understand where it arises from. But equally, I think the unfortunate trend in a lot of online spaces is for anxiously attached people who have been hurt by previous relationships with avoidant partners to take those experiences and to take that unhealed hurt and to make these sweeping generalizations around all avoidant people are selfish, toxic, narcissistic, a waste of space. Those are just a small handful of the types of comments that I have seen flying around. This episode is actually prompted by some events this week on my own Instagram account. I shared a post which I honestly thought was totally uncontroversial.
[00:03:00]:
I was very surprised to see it going viral and for the comments section to be blowing up. But it was a post about what avoidant people look for in a partner. And the list was along the lines of independence, so someone who has other things going on in their life, who has hobbies and friendships and a well developed sense of self, someone who is emotionally regulated and stable, so not someone who is highly reactive and emotionally volatile, someone with healthy boundaries, someone who is able to bring fun and lightness to the relationship so that it doesn't feel really emotionally dense and heavy all the time. And I, as I said, I didn't think that this list was controversial in the slightest, but it became very quickly apparent from people's response to this post That it was activating something, it was triggering something in a lot of people, a lot of anxiously attached people. And a lot of people seemed to be receiving that and responding to it as if it were saying you, anxious person, need to embody all of these traits in order to adapt to the preferences of someone with avoidant attachment and or it's your fault that the relationship between you and whoever your avoidant ex is didn't work out because you weren't enough of these things. That's kind of the most generous interpretation I can come up with for the very fiery responses that were in the comments section. But it has had me reflecting these past couple of days and feeling like there's a broader conversation to be had around the demonization of avoidant attachment. Not only because I do feel really strongly about promoting a more compassionate view of all attachment patterns as an adaptation, and really recognizing that until we extend that compassion towards others, we will not have that compassionate view of ourselves.
[00:04:53]:
But also, sort of more practically speaking, for anxiously attached people who are the overwhelming majority of my audience and clients and students, I can tell you from having worked with thousands and thousands of people on healing anxious attachment, that for so long as you are harboring that level of anger and bitterness and these sweeping views of avoidant people as being the problem in your relationships, that is actually going to keep you from your own growth because that blame based, shame based mindset around attachment, around relationships, one that tries to isolate who the villain and the victim are and wants to lay blame on someone else and say, They're the problem and they're a waste of space and they need to just go to therapy and be on their own and all they ever do is cause pain. All these really highly inflammatory, sweeping generalisations, I promise you that that is not going to be the place from which you will grow into a more secure attachment. Shaming other people is not how you get to a secure attachment. Stewing in anger is not how you get to a secure attachment. There's a lack of both self compassion, compassion for other, and self responsibility and honesty in the way that we're looking at our own relationship patterns. And until we look at those things with honesty, that's going to impede our ability to meaningfully shift and grow. So I wanted to share some thoughts about that. It's probably going to be slightly different in tone to my regular episodes in that it's not so much a me teaching as it is me reflecting and discussing and sharing some thoughts on the demonization of avoidant attachment.
[00:06:44]:
But it does feel like an important conversation. And I will say from this recent experience on Instagram, the silver lining, you know, it's always disheartening to feel like you're doing work to try and break down some of these unhelpful generalisations or stereotypes. And so it's a little disheartening to see so much of that still alive and well in the comments section on a viral post. But what it did remind me of is how fortunate I am and how grateful I am that for the most part, my community, my listeners here, people on Instagram that are familiar with my work, that that's not the tone. And I could really tell in the comments section of this post the people who'd been in my universe for a little while, the people who'd done my programs, stuff like that, it was really apparent because of the self awareness and the nuance and the thoughtfulness. So that was at least really affirming for me. I was really grateful to be reminded of the fact that that's not the norm. As is always the case when something goes viral, it gets pushed to a lot of people who might not usually engage with your content or might not know your work.
[00:07:57]:
So the silver lining of having to be on the receiving end of a lot of people's projections and judgments and misunderstandings of my own intention in creating that content was being grateful that that isn't the norm and that my community in large part is really curious and compassionate and thoughtful and nuanced in the way that they engage with my work and and this body of work more broadly. So a quick word of thanks to all of you who are regular listeners and who do put in the effort to take on that compassionate and nuanced view because in many ways, the sugar hit junk food version where we just shoot from the hip and and let our wounded partner run wild. In many ways, that's easier. So I I suppose I wanna talk about why I think this happens. Why do we demonize avoidant attachment? And I think the simple answer is that generally people with insecure attachment patterns struggle with very black and white thinking. They tend to be quite oppositional, dualistic, this sense of right or wrong, blame. I've spoken about this many times before on the podcast, there's this sense of I need to find who the bad guy is, and I'm hoping that it isn't me, and particularly for anxiously attached people whose pattern in relationship is to strive and to work really hard all the time and to over function and over everything, and desperately try and keep the relationship intact and care taken, all of those things. The idea that you could be the problem or the villain or the bad guy feels so impossible given how hard you've tried, and how earnestly you've tried, and you have.
[00:09:41]:
And so when you're in this mindset of one of us has to be the problem, and I've been trying so hard so surely it can't be me, it's much more palatable that it would be them. And I've done an episode in the past which was one of my top episodes ever called the three stages of healing anxious attachment, and it's really about these mindset shifts that people undergo. And A lot of people start in a mindset of assuming they are the problem, and that low self worth plays low self esteem, I have to change myself, there's something wrong with me, I need to be more or less or different or better in order to get someone to love me. And then a lot of people go from that starting point of really low self esteem, maybe they go through a break up, or they just come across this work and they feel really validated by it, and they swing to another extreme which is that of wait, I'm not the problem, you're the problem. The avoidant person's the problem. My ex is the problem. They're emotionally unavailable and toxic and narcissistic and whatever other labels I can reach for that make me feel really validated in my pain and my hurt. And if I can put those labels on you and feel like my hurt is justified, and that anyone would have been hurt in my position, then I start to feel a little less powerless.
[00:10:59]:
But the trouble is that that pendulum swing to the other extreme of wait, no, you're the problem, it misses the full picture. It might feel temporarily good, but it can keep us really stuck, and it generally does keep us really stuck. I wasn't brave enough to respond to the comments on this Instagram post saying as much, but I could tell the people who had done their work and the people who were stuck in their anxious attachment and in more extreme expressions of that, Because the people who are holding onto a lot of that very blunt, lacking in nuance, vitriolic judgements towards avoidant people at large, those are not people who are very close to becoming secure. In my experience and in my observation. Again, having a decent sample size of having worked with thousands of people on this. Which brings me to what is a healing mindset and what does bode really well for you if you are doing this work and you are wanting to become more secure is what I called in that episode a stage three mindset, and it's this idea that neither of us individually were the problem or were to blame. The unique combination of our wounds and our self protective strategies and our limitations and our maybe conflicting needs, all of that went into a melting pot and the the sum total of it was a level of dysfunction or stuckness that we lacked the tools to to overcome. And that's not juicy.
[00:12:36]:
Right? There's there's no, like, big flashy headlines in that, but it's honest. And it takes in the full picture and the full reality of of what happened. And it's only in looking at that honestly that we can take some of the heat out for starters, but we can also then start to figure out, okay, what was my contribution to whatever unhealthy patterns existed there? What did I get out of it? Because as much as we might not want to admit it, there's at least a part of us that that got something out of all of that, and what need was I trying to meet and how could I do things differently next time? When we're just in that kind of blame based mindset of anger and projection, there's actually nothing very fertile there in terms of our own growth. There's no space for self reflection, there's no space for nuance or honesty. And as such there's there's nothing for us to really learn from there because we're not actually engaging with reality. So recognizing that being in that kind of mindset, that oppositional, dualistic, right or wrong, good or bad, who's to blame, who's the bad one, who's the problem, That mindset is going to keep you stuck and I really, really encourage you if you notice yourself going there. And it's nothing to be ashamed of because I think we're all trained into that mindset societally, but it's not going to support you if you are wanting to go from insecure attachment to a more secure way of being in relationships. That mindset is not something that you wanna take with you on the journey, let's put it that way.
[00:14:16]:
I want to talk now a little about avoidant attachment more specifically, and just, I suppose, almost a reminder to people who, again, maybe you notice yourself judging avoidant attachment as bad or wrong or less than the worst attachment style, the hardest attachment style to be in relationship with. I think a lot of anxious people can get a bit judgy around it and a bit righteous, and that's something I hear a lot is, well at least I'm trying, or at least we wanna be in relationships, you just blah blah blah blah blah. And I I think it's easy to get a bit high and mighty, right, and to assume that, like, you're way is better. And, well, at least I'm selfless, at least I'm caring. And I think it's important for us all to recognize that our attachment patterns, no matter how they manifest, are about our own needs first and foremost, getting our own relational needs met. And it just so happens that the anxious person derives safety from the other person, whereas the avoidant person derives safety from keeping a bit of a safe distance, keeping a buffer. And so that's not to say that avoidant people don't want relationships or don't need connection and love. They do.
[00:15:29]:
But they have a history of feeling really unsafe when up close against that, when confronted with that level of intimacy and vulnerability, such that their instinct is to pull back. And I think that reminding ourselves particularly of the typical origin story of avoidant attachment can be a bit of a pathway to connection. So for anyone who isn't familiar, most avoidant attachment originates in an early family environment where children, babies were denied their emotional needs. They might have had parents who were often avoidant themselves, and who were so emotionally stunted or underdeveloped or unavailable that the child's bids for connection, their attempts at getting those attachment needs met, their proximity seeking behaviors were shunned, ignored, dismissed, even shamed or ridiculed. So that very typical kind of old school parenting of telling kids to stop crying, this sense that children are meant to be emotionally strong and independent and self sufficient. And so a child in this environment, it's almost like the heartbreak and the grief and the sorrow of having your attempts at emotional connection denied, or ignored, or dismissed. A child in that environment adapts by learning very quickly that that's not the way to be close with my caregivers. That's not going to get me the safety, the approval, having my needs met, and as an infant, as a child, that is a survival need very directly and literally.
[00:17:10]:
So children who develop an avoidant attachment and are in those sorts of family systems learn that that's that's not how they're going to thrive in that system, by being highly emotionally in tune with themselves and others, that that's not the language of that family. So they channel their energy and their efforts into other ways of getting that connection and approval, which often amongst avoidant people is through either activities and things that are less intimate and vulnerable, or achievement. So being good, being successful, being competent, being capable. Those are a lot of the common traits of avoidant people, is that they focus on that and they often are really good at all of that as a result. They are successful, they are competent, they are capable. And as a side note, that's why it's so hard in relationships for people with avoidant attachment to feel like their partner is always disappointed in them. Because for them, a form of love and essential to the love relationship is I want to feel successful to you. If I feel like I'm always failing you, I'm always letting you down, I'm always disappointing you.
[00:18:23]:
That's very very demoralizing for them, and very triggering of that kind of deep wound around feeling inadequate, feeling not enough. So just bearing in mind, and I think when we go back to the origin story, and you can, if you have an avoidant partner or avoidant ex partner, thinking of them as a child who longed for connection but had those needs denied, Maybe that's a doorway to more compassion than you might otherwise have. You know, we all come by our attachment styles honestly. It's not like someone is a selfish, uncaring child and that's how they come to be emotionally undeveloped as an adult. Right? These are just the cards that we were dealt. And of course, I know people are going to be listening and going, Yeah, well that's your responsibility to deal with it. And yeah, of course it is. And people are going to get there at different times and on different timelines, and I think we also have to recognize that for people with avoidant attachment, part of their operating system is to not look at that stuff.
[00:19:28]:
To not be particularly inquisitive about their emotional landscape for some people. For some who are more fearful, avoidant, or disorganized, that might not be true. But for some, that is part of the blueprint is we don't go there or that doesn't feel safe. So having compassion for the fact that people are going to come to this differently, or they may not at all, and that doesn't make them a terrible person, that doesn't make them deficient or inadequate or bad. Recognising that there's good reason for why people do the things that they do, and coming back to this fundamental balance that we all need to be aiming for between compassion and a starting assumption of goodness and humanness and trying to feel into someone's humanity, while also knowing ourselves and being self responsible to maybe decide that another person's limitations are such that it's not a good idea for us to be in a relationship. That their limits in terms of intimacy, vulnerability, commitment, communication, all of those things might mean that they're not a good match for me. And that's fine, but they don't have to be a bad person. I don't have to say, like, they're a waste of space.
[00:20:48]:
I don't have to reach for things that are villainizing and nasty, so as to justify my decision to keep a distance from someone who maybe the nature of their self protective patterns is such that they cause me harm and that it's not a good fit for me. That's okay, and we can reach that conclusion. And oftentimes we will need to do that in the name of taking good care of ourselves and being self responsible for our own well-being. But you don't have to go to that next step of making someone bad or making them wrong in order to feel like you are justified or you are right to not want to be with them. And whenever I see that, which unfortunately is often, and certainly this latest event in the comments section of this post that's gone viral, that is just like a whole lot of unprocessed hurt coming out in the form of projection and blame and judgement. And I think my message for those people is I understand. I understand the hurt. I understand the pain.
[00:21:57]:
I've been there. I've been on the receiving end of behaviors that were baffling to me, that I really couldn't make sense of. That it was very easy for me to judge as just like, what is wrong with you? Who would do that? And yet, that's not helpful, and the more that I went down that path of trying to make someone bad, and trying to convince them of their badness so that they would change, all that did was drag me into it. And it certainly was not conducive to my growth. It was only when I stopped doing that that I actually was able to start healing, and start paying attention to what it was in me that got me into those dynamics and kept me there for as long as I was there. So your healing is not going to be found in the comments section of an Instagram post, labeling avoidance as whatever you want to label them as. I promise you that. So I think I'll I'll stop there.
[00:22:53]:
As much as I could keep going on my soapbox about this for a long time, because as you might have sensed, it's something that I feel really strongly about. Again, as I said in the introduction, not only because I think it's the right thing to do to try and get this message out, but also because just it it won't work for all of those people who are anxious and want to shift their patterns and have somehow convinced themselves that the way to do that is to make all avoidant people the devil. It actually is is keeping you stuck, so for all of those reasons, it's really important that we start looking at this differently, and that we learn to hold multiple truths that might seem conflicting. Someone might have hurt me, and that doesn't make them a bad person, and it certainly doesn't make all avoidant people bad. As a side note, I know I said I was going to wrap up and I will, but when people ask me in my programs, students of mine say, how do I pick out an avoidant person in early dating so I can avoid them and save myself the pain? My answer is always I wouldn't focus on someone's attachment style, I would focus on getting very clear around what are your specific requirements or values or non negotiables for a relationship, and how does this person stack up against those? So those might be communication or consistency, reliability, emotional safety. And be really clear around what you will and won't tolerate and and what you need, and just see how someone measures against that. So don't be focusing on avoidant attachment as an umbrella because that's a really, really big bucket of people, and there's so much individual variation in terms of someone's capacity, how much work they've done, their self awareness, their willingness, and all of those factors and variables will influence whether or not someone might be a good fit for you. So look beyond the label of avoidant attachment and be a little more curious, be a little more open, rather than just trying to filter based on a very crude metric.
[00:24:55]:
So anyway, I will wrap up. I will leave it there. I hope that for those of you who are already onto all of this, I know that's a good chunk of you, and I'm so appreciative. As I said at the start, it is very affirming for me that most of the people in my regular community of listeners and followers and students and stuff, that everyone gets it. And that's really nice, and I'm very grateful for that. But for anyone who's maybe coming around to the idea or maybe not sure or maybe has that instinct towards blame and attack and villainization and all of that stuff, I hope that this has given you something to reflect on and think about and maybe enticing you towards a different approach that you could just try on for size because, you know, the version of things where you swirl around in bitterness and resentment and blame is is not gonna get you any closer to where you ultimately wanna be. I feel pretty confident in saying that. So I hope that it's been helpful. I'm grateful for all of you.
[00:25:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, compassion, demonization, vulnerability, attachment styles, partner, boundaries, healing, self-awareness, emotional regulation, independence, relationship coach, personalised advice, Instagram, growth, blame, mindset, self-responsibility, emotionally unavailable, safety, connection, judgment, nuance, healing journey, communication
#175: Perfectionism & Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
Key themes covered:
The links between perfectionism and anxious attachment patterns
How perfectionism manifests in relationships (performing, people-pleasing, fear of making mistakes)
The connection between perfectionism and fear of abandonment
Why perfectionism creates distance in relationships despite our intentions for closeness
How perfectionism impacts vulnerability and emotional intimacy
We discuss practical steps for:
Recognising perfectionist patterns in your relationships
Moving from self-criticism to self-compassion
Embracing "good enough" in relationships
Building tolerance for imperfection
Showing up authentically in relationships
Navigating Perfectionism and Anxious Attachment in Relationships
In the intricate world of human emotions, our attachment styles profoundly influence how we interact with others, particularly in romantic relationships. Among these, anxious attachment and perfectionism often coalesce into an intricate dance of fear, striving, and yearning for acceptance. Many people, burdened by an underlying sense of unworthiness, find themselves trapped in a cycle of perfectionism, believing that flawless performance is the key to love and acceptance. Understanding the intersection of these patterns can offer a pathway to more authentic, fulfilling relationships.
Understanding Perfectionism and Its Roots
Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a quirky trait—something harmless or perhaps even admirable, akin to having a tidy desk or neat handwriting. In reality, perfectionism runs far deeper. At its core, it is a protective strategy, a response to the fear of rejection and failure. The driving belief here is, "If I'm not perfect, I am unworthy of love and acceptance." This fear-based striving for flawlessness is not simply about being meticulous—it's about a profound dread of the consequences that perceived imperfections might bring: rejection, disapproval, and the ultimate terror, abandonment.
For many, this unrelenting pursuit of perfection is tied to a deep-seated fear of not being good enough—a common experience among those with anxious attachment styles. This belief can lead to an exhausting cycle of self-criticism and shame, where any slip-up feels catastrophic, and self-compassion seems impossible. This internal battle often spills over into relationships, where anxiously attached individuals may feel they must be perfect to earn their partner's love and approval.
The Perfectionism-Anxious Attachment Cycle
Anxious attachment is characterised by a heightened sensitivity to the fear of abandonment. Those who experience it often live in a constant state of alert, scanning for possible signs of rejection. This vigilance can manifest in perfectionistic behaviours—endeavouring to be the "ideal" partner who offers everything their loved one might need to prevent them from leaving.
However, this approach is a double-edged sword. While it might temporarily soothe fears of rejection, it also prevents genuine connection. The relentless effort to be perfect and the resulting inauthenticity block true vulnerability and intimacy—the very ingredients needed for a trusting relationship. As individuals hide parts of themselves they deem unloveable, they feel unseen and unchosen, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and the cycle of anxious attachment.
Breaking Free: Cultivating Self-Compassion and Authenticity
The journey towards healing these patterns begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. Recognising when perfectionism takes the wheel is the first step. Acknowledging the underlying fears and wounds allows individuals to separate their true selves from the protective strategies they have adopted. It is about gently turning towards oneself with curiosity rather than judgement.
Cultivating a kinder internal dialogue—one that embraces all parts of the self, not just the polished, curated versions—can ease the grip of perfectionism. The more individuals can accept and love themselves unconditionally, the less reliant they become on external approval to validate their worth. This shift creates space for vulnerability, allowing for more authentic and meaningful connections.
The Role of Relationships in Healing
While self-work is the foundation, healing from anxious attachment and perfectionism is also relational. Positive experiences in relationships can be incredibly healing for those who have struggled with these patterns. Being with someone who sees and loves you in all your imperfect glory can dismantle the long-held belief that you're only worthy of love when you are perfect. Such relationships, characterised by safety and trust, offer a nurturing environment where one can slowly release the shield of perfectionism and embrace vulnerability.
In these relationships, true intimacy is nurtured. You begin to understand that you do not have to be perfect to be lovable, and that imperfections do not diminish your value. Instead, they can become bridges to deeper connection when shared with the right person.
Conclusion
Overcoming the entwined challenges of anxious attachment and perfectionism is undoubtedly a journey—a process of slowly reconstructing one's beliefs about worthiness and love. It involves embracing the messiness and imperfection of being human and recognising that worth is innate, not something to be earned through flawless performance. With self-compassion as a guide and authentic relationships as safe havens, it's entirely possible to experience relationships where you are loved for exactly who you are, not who you think you need to be. Through this healing, our connections can become truly rewarding spaces of acceptance and mutual respect.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt the need to be perfect in a relationship. What fears or insecurities might have been driving that need for perfection?
Consider the idea that perfectionism could be a protective strategy. What might your perfectionism be trying to protect you from in your closest relationships?
How has the pursuit of perfection impacted your ability to be authentic with others? What might be different if you allowed yourself to show more of your true self?
Discuss the connection between perfectionism and shame as explained in the episode. In what ways do you recognize this interplay in your own life?
Reflect on how perfectionism and people-pleasing manifest in your relationships. Can you identify moments where you've abandoned your true desires to maintain an image of perfection?
Think about the idea that perfectionism could hinder vulnerability in relationships. How might embracing your imperfections encourage deeper connections with others?
What does the concept of "self-compassion" mean to you, and how might cultivating it help in reducing perfectionistic tendencies?
Have you ever experienced self-criticism as a result of failing to meet your own standards? How did that experience affect your self-worth or relationships?
Consider the notion of presenting a "false version" of yourself to others. What are the risks and rewards of letting those close to you see the parts of yourself that you often hide?
What might be some first steps you can take to start softening perfectionistic patterns in your life? How could this change the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Join the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Starts 10 Feb 2025
Additional Resources
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about perfectionism and the role that it plays in our relationships, how it intersects with our attachment patterns. So I've actually done an episode a while ago, probably a couple of years ago now, on the role of perfectionism in anxious avoidant dynamics and how relationally, patterns of perfectionism can influence how we perceive our partner from an anxious perspective and an avoidant perspective. I'll link that episode in the show notes. What I'm really talking about today is probably more from the perspective of anxious attachment and how our self perception can be governed by perfectionism and how perfectionism really is a protective strategy, like most everything else that we experience in relationships, where it comes from, what it is protecting against, and how we can maybe soften some of those patterns so that we can experience more self acceptance, more ease, more trust in our relationship.
[00:01:32]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. My Secure Self Challenge started two days ago. It's a twenty eight day challenge for building self worth. And as we'll be talking about in today's episode, building deep, embodied self worth is absolutely essential to overcoming patterns of self protection like perfectionism. As I said, the challenge officially kicked off on Monday this week, but I will be leaving registration open until the end of the week if there are any last minute people who want to squeeze in to this round. I run it usually twice a year, so if you are interested, there probably won't be another opportunity to participate in the challenge until the second half of the year. So as I said, link is in the show notes.
[00:02:14]:
You can go and check that out and join us if that appeals. Second quick announcement. I can't believe that I haven't actually shared this on the podcast. It's a little embarrassing because it speaks to how disorganized I am, but I created a free resource a couple of months ago now, that I've shared on Instagram. So if you follow me there, you've probably already seen it. But it is called the anxious attachment starter kit. As I said, it's completely free. It includes a video where I speak about my own journey with anxious attachment and and how I healed my anxious attachment.
[00:02:44]:
It also includes a workbook with journal prompts looking at anxious attachment and those patterns, and it also includes an exclusive guided meditation on affirmations for anxious attachment, sort of self soothing. So those are all exclusive resources in this anxious attachment starter kit. So if you'd like to download that completely for free, I've linked that in the show notes as well, or you can head to my website and check out the freebies page there, and it is listed. Again, my apologies. I haven't shared that here sooner. That is terribly disorganized of me. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around perfectionism and how it interfaces with our attachment wounds and our patterns in relationships.
[00:03:24]:
So I think there can be some misconceptions around perfectionism. I think sometimes when we talk about perfectionism casually, it's almost spoken about as if it's just like mild neuroticism, someone who has, like, a perfectly tidy desk at work, or who has immaculately neat handwriting, or is very particular about how things have to be. But in reality, I think perfectionism goes a lot deeper than that. And I think for most of us, perfectionism is really coming from this place of, if I am not perfect, then I will be unloved, I will be not good enough, I will be rejected, cast out, judged, disapproved of. So it's this sense of, like, desperately striving to earn our worth by not allowing ourselves to be imperfect. And I think that's actually a much better way of looking at it. Perfectionism is not about, like, wanting to be perfect. I mean, it is, but it's coming from the place of fear of what it would mean if we weren't perfect.
[00:04:27]:
And for those of us who struggle with unworthiness, which is frankly, I think most of us, certainly most of the people who listen to this podcast, and certainly anyone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns and and probably disorganized attachment patterns as well, this deep worthiness wound or unworthiness wound that we carry that has us believe that we are not good enough and that we have to earn or prove our worth somehow. We have to earn people's love, affection, approval. And perfectionism emerges as a way for us to do that. It's our system trying to present a version of ourselves that is flawless, because we believe that any cracks in the armor, anything we do wrong, we put one foot out of line, and that's going to be the trigger for people rejecting us, disapproving of us, excluding us, not loving us, leaving us. Right? And so we start to see that this is actually a strategy that's protecting against a lot of those core wounds, and that's really where perfectionism intersects with our attachment patterns and our attachment style. And, you know, relationally, I think for most people with anxious attachment, as you would know, the abandonment wound and that fear of rejection is so at the heart of your attachment style and everything that you fear in relationships. Right? And so for anxiously attached people, there's this sense that I have to be perfect or else you're going to leave me. And I think that actually, you know, patterns of jealousy and comparison and lots of other things that anxious attachers will experience in relationships, I think, are branches off the same tree.
[00:06:05]:
It's this sense of, like, I'm always looking over my shoulder. I'm always scanning for threats because I think you're gonna leave me for someone else because I'm not good enough. And so I try to be perfect. I compare myself to everyone else who's sort of in our orbit to make sure that there are no threats. There's nothing else I should be doing in order to get you and keep you. The other side of that, and this is something that Brene Brown talks about, is like, the flip side of perfectionism is shame. Because if we fail, or are seen to fail, we do something wrong. Shame is very quick to jump in and punish us with self criticism and blame and pointing the finger of, if anything bad happens, it's because of you and you're not good enough in sort of an essential way.
[00:06:51]:
There's really no space for self compassion, for self forgiveness, when we are stuck in these rigid patterns of perfectionism and shame. And that is a really painful and fractured internal relationship because we become our own worst enemy there. We've got such exacting standards for how we have to be, and they really are unattainable and unsustainable. And so we live in this constant anxiety of knowing that sooner or later we will make a mistake because we are human, and yet also knowing that we're going to beat ourselves up for that, and the the immense shame that we will feel if and when we do do something wrong or make a mistake or, we are seen to be imperfect, that lurking shame that we carry that's going to bubble up to the surface feels like it's going to swallow us, and that's so aversive. Right? Like, we want to avoid that as much as we possibly can, and so, of course, that really narrows our window of tolerance. That makes us really anxious around trying to avoid certain experiences, and there's just more and more contraction in our system as we walk this tightrope of perfectionism and shame. The other challenging thing about perfectionism in relationships is the way that it links in with patterns of people pleasing and self abandonment, right? If we think that we have to be perfect in order to be lovable, or to get our partner to choose us, to get someone to commit to us, to to stop them from leaving us, then we're almost certainly not being authentic, right? Because no one is authentically perfect, and perfectionism is essentially a performance. It's, you know, suppressing certain parts of us and dialing up others, over functioning, overworking, striving all the time, never really resting in an easeful, peaceful place.
[00:08:47]:
Because, again, we've always got this lurking thing of, if you do anything wrong really bad, things are going to happen. And so it actually blocks us from vulnerability. It blocks us from deeply, authentically connecting with someone, because we're not letting them see all of these parts of ourselves. Right? We've siloed and exiled and buried away all the parts of ourselves that we deem to be imperfect, unacceptable, unlovable. And when we do that and we're presenting this false version of ourselves that is very curated and, you know, carefully selected as the parts of us that we decide are worthy of love, then we're actually not giving someone a chance to really know us and to really love us and to really choose us. And it becomes this almost self perpetuating thing where deep down we know that it's unsustainable, maybe not consciously, but if it works, if someone chooses us because of this very narrow version that we've presented to them, then it's almost so exhausting and tiring to know that we have to keep that up in order to maintain their love, their approval, the connection. And so knowing that, like, we have to then continue to hide all these parts of ourselves that we've deemed unlovable is actually a very, very challenging way to be in a relationship. It's never going to lead to the the safety, the security, that deep enduring, relaxing love that you so deeply yearn for and crave.
[00:10:17]:
And so you can start to see that, like, even though it might be the only way you've ever been in relationships and you don't really have any concept of what another way would look like, Hopefully, you're starting to see that perfectionism as applied to relationships, and not even just romantic relationships. Right? You're probably if you are like this, there's a good chance that you do this in a lot of settings. Maybe you do it at work. You don't allow yourself to ever show any kind of vulnerability or imperfection, and you're deeply convinced that if you were to do that, people would turn on you very quickly, people would judge you, people would cast you out, or other bad consequences would flow from that. Similarly, in social settings, you might be convinced that people don't like you and that you've got to be, you know, completely perfect all the time in order for people to want to be around you. These are all really common branches off the tree, as I said earlier. So I think as with everything, awareness really helps, and starting to notice when that perfectionist part is at the wheel and what it might be trying to keep you safe from in that moment. So if you notice yourself being really rigid and comparing yourself to other people, being terrified of showing a part of you that you think is, you know, too messy or ugly or or whatever else, really turning towards yourself in that moment and just noticing allows you to create distance between the part of you that is using that perfectionistic strategy and whatever other part of you might be underneath that's harboring these deep fears and wounds, and then the you that is observing all of that.
[00:11:58]:
And in creating that space, we we start to create the possibility for another way, rather than it all just feeling really contracted and constricted and all consuming. And the more that we can turn towards that with genuine compassion and curiosity, because everything that I've been describing, that's coming from a very tender place, a part of you that deeply yearns to be accepted and wrapped in someone's unconditional love, and yet the way that we go about trying to get that for ourselves, we we want to be able to do it while sidestepping any risk or vulnerability. And, of course, as I've said, that actually blocks us from authentic, connected relationships with people who want to see the real us and who really choose all of us and accept all of us. So it's actually, as always, it begins with you. The the starting point is trying to cultivate more self compassion and self acceptance so that we aren't harboring these beliefs that certain parts of us are unacceptable and that we cannot possibly show them to another person because no one could ever love that. The more that we can wrap that in love and the more we can wrap that in compassion and acceptance, then those protective parts will start to soften because we go like, I'm I'm okay with all of me. That doesn't mean we give ourselves a free pass to behave however we want. It doesn't mean that everything we've ever done coming from those wounded places is like great behavior.
[00:13:30]:
But the more we can hold compassion, the more that we can recognize the humanness underneath it all, and we naturally become less reliant on protective strategies that tell us that we need to be living from fear and anxiety all the time because really terrible things are gonna happen, and people are gonna reject us, and we're not enough, and all of that. When we start to really anchor into our value, and we start to really honor and recognize and appreciate that, that's when things naturally start to shift. More space opens up within us, and we actually start to gravitate towards relationships with people that feel more authentic, that feel safer, and where we feel a sense of trust in showing ourselves to someone in being truly vulnerable. And that is incredibly healing. Having those experiences is really so, so important and so healing for those parts of you that are convinced that that could never happen. So if you're someone who struggles with perfectionism, I know I certainly do, a few years ago my therapist, we were talking about perfectionism and unrelenting standards and in lots of different areas of life, but particularly for me at the time, we were talking about it in the context of work, and my therapist gave me, like, a little homework assignment, and she told me to create an Instagram post with a typo in it, and my response was like, absolutely not. Not gonna happen. Thanks anyway.
[00:14:58]:
Why would I do that? And, of course, as with all of these things, it's it's less about actually doing it and more about recognizing your response to it, and obviously my response to that was very telling because the the immediate things that that part of me that struggles with perfectionism comes back with is like, why would I want to do that? What would people think? People will think I'm sloppy or unprofessional or stupid or careless or whatever other things. Right? And that obviously speaks to how I judge things like that. Again, like, we we tend to project these unrelenting standards onto others as well. So I've still never done that. I've still never deliberately made a typo on an Instagram post. But I think, as I've spoken to, the more we can anchor in our sense of self worth and value, the more that we can trust that we bring so much more than some false facade of perfectionism. People don't love us for only the shiny parts, and that people will love us for all of it if we can be brave and courageous enough to let them, and of course discerning enough around who we share our our vulnerability with and our authentic selves with because that's a piece as well. We want to be creating the safe containers so that all of our parts are handled with love and care.
[00:16:19]:
Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful for you if you're someone who does struggle with perfectionism in understanding and connecting the dots a little on maybe why that's something you struggle with, where it comes from, and what you can start to do to shift those patterns, which essentially, as with so many things, boils down to how can I turn towards myself with self compassion and self acceptance? How can I allow myself to be human in the same way that I hopefully allow others to be human? And the more that we can build that self worth, the more that we trust that our value goes beyond just being perfect. And that then paves the way for safe, authentic relationships where we can bring our whole selves and we can relax a little on those defensive strategies, those self protective patterns that are originating from a wounded part of us that doesn't believe that we can be loved unless we're perfect. So thank you so much for joining me. Always grateful for those of you who leave a rating or a review. I read every single one of them. For people who are watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. That would be hugely helpful. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks so much, guys.
[00:17:31]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Perfectionism, relationships, attachment patterns, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, abandonment wound, self-worth, self-compassion, self-acceptance, vulnerability, shame, people pleasing, self-abandonment, authenticity, relational dynamics, Secure Self Challenge, attachment wounds, protective strategy, self-perception, secure relationships, self-protection, unworthiness, fear of rejection, Brene Brown, jealousy, comparison, attachment style, anxiety in relationships, love and approval, connection, thriving relationships.