#214: Parenting Q&A: Fears About Having Kids, Staying Connected After a Baby, Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics & More
Becoming a parent is one of the biggest relational transitions most of us will ever face. And while the world loves to tell us how overwhelming, chaotic, and identity-shattering it should be, the truth is that everyone’s experience is deeply personal—and deeply shaped by their attachment patterns. Recently, on the podcast, Joel and I shared our own journey into parenthood—how we felt before having a baby, what surprised us, what challenged us, and how we’ve stayed connected along the way. Afterward, I received countless messages from people saying: “Please talk more about this.” So, let’s.
Becoming a parent is one of the biggest relational transitions most of us will ever face. And while the world loves to tell us how overwhelming, chaotic, and identity-shattering it should be, the truth is that everyone’s experience is deeply personal—and deeply shaped by their attachment patterns.
For couples with an anxious–avoidant dynamic, this transition can bring up old fears, amplify long-standing patterns, and stir uncertainty about what life will look like on the other side.
Recently, on the podcast, Joel and I shared our own journey into parenthood—how we felt before having a baby, what surprised us, what challenged us, and how we’ve stayed connected along the way. Afterward, I received countless messages from people saying: “Please talk more about this.”
So, let’s.
The Fears We Carry Into Parenthood
Before our son was born, we were in a very real, very ongoing conversation about whether we even wanted kids.
I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother. Joel, on the other hand—who leans more fearful-avoidant—felt the weight of the decision in a way that often left him overwhelmed and frozen. For him, becoming a parent wasn’t simply exciting. It was terrifying.
Not because he didn’t want a family, but because:
The decision felt irreversible
He feared he wouldn’t have the emotional capacity
He doubted his ability to show up for someone else
And, as many avoidantly-leaning people do, he felt he needed absolute certainty before taking the leap
This is such a common fear for those with avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment patterns. Parenthood represents ultimate responsibility, closeness, and dependence—all things that can activate an avoidant nervous system.
And then… we found out I was pregnant.
We weren’t trying. The topic wasn’t resolved. And yet the moment the decision was no longer theoretical, something remarkable happened:
Joel felt clear. Grounded. Purposeful. Ready.
And the anxiety I had been carrying—about his uncertainty overshadowing my joy—finally settled.
What Surprised Us Most
You hear so many stories about early parenthood:
“Say goodbye to your freedom.”
“You’ll never sleep again.”
“Just you wait…”
“It’s going to be chaos.”
We expected some version of that initiation. But what we actually found was… peace.
That doesn’t mean it was easy every day. But it was simple. Intentional. Surprisingly joyful.
What surprised us most?
The capacity for love
Joel often says the biggest revelation for him was discovering how much love he had to give—far more than he ever believed possible.
The calm
We both expected to feel thrown, frazzled, or depleted. Instead, we found ourselves calmer than before we had a child. More grounded. More aligned.
The validation
Before our son arrived, we talked endlessly about the kind of home we wanted to create: peaceful, regulated, supportive. It was deeply affirming to realise we could actually live that intention.
How Attachment Shapes the Transition
For anxious partners, parenthood can bring up fears around:
abandonment
disconnection
losing closeness
or not getting the reassurance they need
For avoidant partners, it can activate fears around:
losing independence
being overwhelmed
doing it “wrong”
or being trapped in a role they can't undo
Neither of these responses is wrong. Both make sense.
What matters is how you meet them—as individuals, and as a team.
And for us, what helped was remembering:
We’re on the same side.
What Helped Us Stay Connected (Even When Stretched Thin)
Parenthood doesn’t require perfection. But it does require presence.
Some things that helped us:
Seeing everything as shared responsibility
There’s no “your turn” vs. “my turn” mentality. If one of us is taxed, the other steps in. No scorekeeping.
Naming resentment early
Resentment rarely starts big.
But if you don’t name it, it will snowball.
Supporting each other as individuals
Time to move your body.
Time to breathe.
Time to recalibrate.
This isn’t indulgent—it’s essential.
Choosing simplicity
We intentionally didn’t overschedule, overstimulate, or overwhelm ourselves. Most days, we walk around town, spend time at home, cook, and keep our lives uncluttered.
This slower pace has been a lifeline for our collective nervous system.
What We’ve Learned About Ourselves—And Each Other
One of the most beautiful parts of this transition has been seeing each other in a new light.
I learned…
That watching your partner fall in love with your child unlocks a depth of connection nothing else quite touches.
Seeing Joel as a father has been healing, heart-expanding, and honestly, awe-inspiring.
Joel learned…
That parenthood pulled him out of himself in a way that years of inner work never quite could.
That he can love bigger, show up more fully, and lead with more openness than he ever imagined.
He often describes it as “getting over himself”—in the best possible way.
Advice for Couples About to Become Parents
If you’re on the brink of parenthood—or in the thick of it—here’s what we would share:
Zoom out
Perspective dissolves so much unnecessary conflict.
You are building a life together.
Not competing in a series of micro-moments.
Don’t make mountains out of molehills
There will be things that annoy you.
Let most of them go.
Catch resentment early
It doesn’t mean something is wrong with the relationship.
It usually means something needs recalibrating.
Remember you’re co-parents and partners
The relationship doesn’t disappear the moment the baby arrives.
But it does need intentional tending.
Take responsibility for your side
Not blame.
Not shame.
Just honest ownership.
This is what keeps the dynamic safe, open, and repairable.
Coming Home to Each Other in a New Season
Parenthood has stretched us, softened us, and reshaped our relationship in ways we couldn't have predicted. It has been overwhelmingly positive—full of meaning, laughter, simplicity, love, and more growth than either of us expected.
We’re not perfect. We still get triggered. We still argue. We still have moments where our attachment patterns flare up.
But we also know how to repair, reconnect, and remember:
We are on the same team.
And that changes everything.
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a very special one. I'm joined by my lovely partner, Joel. He just waved. For anyone who's listening, he just waved.
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:39]:
And we're talking all about how we've navigated the transition to parenthood, which sort of feels a little belated in some respects because our baby is, at the time of recording, 16 months. But also it feels like maybe we've earned the right to talk about this 16 months in, because had we recorded this a month or two in, maybe it would have been a little premature and we're a little more seasoned now, I think. So no doubt we'll continue to grow and evolve, but nevertheless, we're going to talk about how we each felt about becoming parents beforehand, how that's changed, how our respective attachment patterns have played into that along the way, and how we approach parenting now so that we can feel aligned and well supported and in ways that, I suppose help rather than harm our relationship. Because obviously parenting can be really stressful and for a lot of people, I know that that can put a lot of strain on the relationship. So we're going to be talking about all of that in today's episode and I've compiled a list of questions that were submitted by folks on Instagram that we'll be speaking to. Before we get into today's discussion, a little reminder announcement that I. I'm going to be running a Black Friday sale and as part of that, I'm going to be offering a really big discount on my Secure Together Couples course, which actually I taught alongside Joel. It's a really great programme for anyone who's navigating an anxious, avoidant dynamic, whether you are in a couple and wanting to do the course together, which is amazing, or even if you're just an individual and you're wanting to understand your side of the equation more and what you might do to create a positive ripple effect in your relationship or wanting to understand what your partner' experience is, because obviously that is a huge part of actually being able to shift these dynamics is stepping out of our own experience and getting curious about the other person's.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:32]:
So if you're interested in my Secure Together course, it is absolutely Worth joining the waitlist for my Black Friday sale because I will be offering it at a very heavily discounted price, the lowest price that it's ever been offered at. And that's a really great opportunity. So jump on the waitlist via the link in the show notes if you're interested in that. Okay, so the first question is, how did each of us feel about becoming parents? The idea of having kids before we had a kid. And I should probably just frame for anyone who is new to the podcast, new to me, new to Joel, that our attachment patterns have historically been more anxious. Joel has historically been more fearful. Avoidance. That's kind of the combination that we're working with here.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:14]:
So maybe, Joel, if you wanted to share your journey to becoming a dad and all of the feelings that you had around that.
Joel [00:03:22]:
Yeah, so historically fearful, avoidant. I don't want to kind of pigeonhole myself here, but, yeah, kind of experienced both the avoidance and earlier in my life, a bit of the anxiety. And both those flavours do come up. The avoidance is probably my most dominant trait. And so there was a lot of fear around the decision to have kids. And that was for many reasons. I thought I didn't have the capacity. I didn't think that I had the ability to perhaps caretake or parent someone else, mainly because I was fearful that I couldn't even really be there for myself.
Joel [00:04:00]:
And so there was a lot of apprehension when the topic of kids came up. It just. It felt so finite to me. So, yeah, there was a lot of fear, a lot of indecisiveness, which I'm so glad that that got lifted once I found out we were pregnant. Steph was pregnant.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:21]:
Yeah. And in the interest of full transparency, we weren't trying to fall pregnant when I fell pregnant. And this whole thing of are we going to have kids or not? Was not resolved, really. It was still an ongoing conversation in our relationship. And it was a big one, for obvious reasons, because to answer the question of how I felt, I was very clear that I wanted to have kids. And that's always been something that I've known that I wanted. And so as our relationship was progressing and we'd been together for a couple of years, that became increasingly important to me to be having those conversations. And while Joel wasn't a definite no, he also wasn't a definite yes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:02]:
And for all of the reasons that you've just spoken to, like, it was almost the bigness of the decision for you felt like such an overwhelm inducing thing because it was like walking Through a door that you can't walk back out of.
Joel [00:05:16]:
Right.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:17]:
It was very much an irreversible decision. And I think that, as you say, people with more avoided patterns who maybe also struggle with like the indecisiveness around that. And like, I have to be certain before I can make that decision, which is kind of understandable given the gravity of the decision. That just felt crippling. And those conversations were really hard and we were having them often.
Joel [00:05:39]:
Yes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:40]:
But as you say, the universe sort of took that one out of our hands and yeah, thank goodness.
Joel [00:05:46]:
I think it not only took it out of our hands is that it really did relieve so much weight that I was carrying around and I didn't realise the weight of that indecision until the decision was made for me. And to be honest, we really had to make a decision then of, of where our relationship goes. Do we, do we go forward with this? And I was just so, so convinced that yes, absolutely. I just had this overwhelming sense of pride and purpose and all the things I know sounds like a trope, but I was, yeah, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of. Yeah, I guess it was just this mission. It's like, okay, this is it. Decision's been made for me. And I wasn't going to lean into the fear, I was going to lean into the hope.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:40]:
Yeah. Which was such a relief for me, to be honest. I'm remembering that because I remember when I did a pregnancy test. Oh yeah. Part of my. I would love to say that, like I was completely delighted and overjoyed, but a lot of it was like a fear around your response and worrying that you weren't going to be excited. And I think that initially constrained my own excitement because I didn't know how you were going to feel and what that was going to mean and look like. So it was such a relief for me when you responded the way you did and you were so suddenly clear about it.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:18]:
It was like all of that anxiety and worry and kind of worst case scenario thinking that you had been swirling around in that just fell away. And I was like, that's no longer relevant because this is what we're doing. And so that was a beautiful turning point, I think, in that journey for us.
Joel [00:07:37]:
Absolutely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:38]:
So, next question. What parts of becoming parents were what we expected and what parts have really surprised us?
Joel [00:07:46]:
I say this a lot, is that what surprised me the most is my capacity to love. And I think I become so overwhelmed and just so obsessed with my own self and rumination and what's going on Inside, I. The biggest fear was like, oh, well, then if I'm so kind of focused on myself, like, how can I focus on someone else? How. If I can't parent myself, then how can I parent someone else? But I think I just proved to myself that I can. And the biggest surprise was just the capacity to love something, someone. And it's just been surprising how much I love this period of my life. I don't need any more people to tell me to make this time precious. I'm like, I know, I know.
Joel [00:08:34]:
I've got maybe a good 10 years of being Ollie's hero. And so I just, I really wanted to make the best of this time and I think I have. But, yeah, the capacity to love has surprised me the most.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:47]:
Let's take a little crying break. Yeah, I mean, I, I think that we did a lot of talking before when I was pregnant and kind of planning, not so much in the logistical sense. I think we were very like, oh, we'll just figure it out as we go. Well, people would ask like, what are you planning to do for this and how are you going to do that? We're like, no real point in planning it down to minute details ahead of time because I'm sure it'll just. We'll figure it out as it unfolds. But we did a lot of talking about values and intentions and how we want to act. I remember doing our New Year planning at the beginning of last year when I was seven months pregnant or something around what we wanted for the year. And obviously that was a big one and we were so aligned on wanting our home to be a peaceful place and that it was regulated and almost like the nervous system of our family overall, to be, yeah, really solid and well supported and grounded.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:49]:
And I am, I don't know, I think you get so much messaging that, like, having a baby, your whole life gets flipped upside down and it's going to be a shit show and it's going to be so stressful and you're going to be sleep deprived and it's going to be. You're going to lose yourself and you won't shower for two weeks and all of this chaos, there's so much fear mongering around that and I think we, we didn't want that. And yet there was probably still a part of us that felt like maybe that was some inevitable initiation we had to go through. And I think what was surprising and validating was that that wasn't our experience.
Joel [00:10:25]:
No.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:25]:
And hasn't been. Now, 16 months later, it's been lovely. That doesn't mean it's been easy every single day, but it's been joyful pretty much every single day. And I think we've done a really good job at being a solid team throughout that and being able to very deliberately structure our lives and our days so that we get to enjoy Ollie and enjoy each other and enjoy family time. And I think that's been a really beautiful. Not surprised, but a beautiful validation of everything that we had planned for and hoped for.
Joel [00:11:04]:
Simple, not easy.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:05]:
Yeah.
Joel [00:11:06]:
And I think, going back to Steph's point is that there's so. So much of the narrative around children. Like, every conversation starts with how you sleeping. It's like, oh, you must be going through the wars right now. And I was just waiting.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:24]:
Oh, just you wait until they start doing this. It's just waiting now. It's going to be that soon.
Joel [00:11:29]:
I was waiting for the penny to drop. I'm like, oh, maybe we've just had it really easy, but we do.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:35]:
It's.
Joel [00:11:36]:
Yeah. As I said, it's. It's not that it's been easy to hold time, but we've been intentional about how simple our lives are.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:44]:
Yeah.
Joel [00:11:45]:
Through design. And I think a part of that simplicity is kind of ignoring a lot of people, kind of ignoring a lot of people's projections and stories that they have, and just having the faith in our relationship and trust in our values that we know what we're doing. We can figure this out and we will figure it out.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:07]:
Yeah. And I think that tuning all of that noise out becomes a lot easier when you have that trust and conviction in why you're doing it the way you're doing it. Because I think the more porous you are and the less sturdy you are in your own values, then you're obviously more susceptible to taking in all of that and feeling pulled in a million different directions.
Joel [00:12:27]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:27]:
In terms of how you approach it. But, yeah, simplicity has been a huge one for us. Like, we don't schedule stuff, we don't go and do a million activities, we don't get in the car. Like, I. Most days, I don't get in the car. We walk around town with our baby, we hang out at home. Like, it's really simple.
Joel [00:12:44]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:45]:
Very deliberately so. And I think that has resourced our collective nervous system in a big way and allowed us to not feel stressed and flustered all the time. How do we approach the challenges of parenting, both as individuals and as a team? And what practises or conversations have helped Us feel like we're on the same side even when stretched thin.
Joel [00:13:03]:
I don't know we have any, like, dedicated practise. I guess we can just kind of try to fill in for each other and one's getting more stress or impacted.
Stephanie Rigg [00:13:15]:
Yeah.
Joel [00:13:15]:
And that is, I guess our benefits is that we have negotiated between ourselves, like being able to share the workload.
Stephanie Rigg [00:13:27]:
Yeah.
Joel [00:13:27]:
Which I know that not everyone has the, the option to, but I think just like, even outside of that, if, if, if you're in that, if you're in the home and you're noticing one is being impacted more than the other, then just like take, take, take the load. If you have the capacity.
Stephanie Rigg [00:13:43]:
I think, I think is basically like being present and attuned to what's going on. It's not like one of us is just checked out. And I think that comes from seeing it all as a joint responsibility.
Joel [00:13:57]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:13:57]:
It's not like if Joel's got Ollie and I'm doing something else and Ollie's melting down or Joel seems stressed, I'm not just gonna be rigid around that. I'll come and help and try and alleviate some of that stress and vice versa. Or just doing little things like tidying up the house. Because we both know that we do better in that environment when things feel more orderly. Just picking up the slack and not keeping score, I think is really important. And I think almost like the answer's in a question, that remembering that we're on the same side is the main thing that helps. And seeing it as like a collective effort and a collective benefit rather than treating ourselves as individuals.
Joel [00:14:40]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:41]:
I think the other piece though is like, we do really prioritise finding a balance that allows us to both be resourced as individuals, so both having time to exercise as much as we need to, at least a few times a week, if one of us wants to get some space and go for a walk that's always available. And being in constant conversation around if there are tweaks that need to happen so that things feel better, more sustainable, more resource. That's always a conversation that we're open to having. And again, it's because we know that that's in service of the family, our relationship, and us as individuals. It just feels like a no brainer.
Joel [00:15:23]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:24]:
Okay. What have we each learned about ourselves and each other through this transition?
Joel [00:15:28]:
Well, and I can speak to any father out there who's been through childbirth and seen their partner, their wife, significant other, go through her experience and you're like, yeah, wow. I mean, yeah, the strength of someone to go through that is just absolutely incredible. So, I mean, it was amazing to be able to support you through that. So you have a. I think you should have a newfound respect for your partner. I guess just like, I wasn't surprised, but I was like, oh, wow, we're. I'm especially in like the first couple of months, I'm like, wow, we are relaxed. Like, wow, we are relaxed about all this.
Joel [00:16:06]:
And it is that it has been. It's not, it's. I'm trying to say this without sounding like I'm gloating, but people have pulled us up and said, this is. You have a calming presence as parents. And I really took that on and felt like, okay, we've done at least something right in our relationship so we can at least not always have that presence, but at least be able to tap into a calming presence. And I remember the first, even three, four weeks when we got home, I was like, it felt like surreal to me. I'm like, I'm calmer now than I was when I didn't have a child. And I'm like, I'm just waiting for that moment that I'm stressed.
Joel [00:16:53]:
But it didn't really seem to come. But yeah, I think our relationship, we've had our issues just like anyone else. But I feel, and have felt much more connected with Steph since Ollie came along than I ever had before.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:10]:
Yeah. I think it just unites you in this impossible amount of love and it's just like your partner understands that in a way that no one else does. And so that's a really beautiful connective thing, but it's also just so beautiful to see. For me to see you as a dad is such a, like, deeply heartwarming thing. And just the idea that you ever had doubts about yourself in that role. And I know we've talked about this, but it's like it would have been such a travesty if you had missed out on that experience because it's not only are you an amazing dad, but it's brought you so much meaning and purpose and leadership.
Joel [00:18:00]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:00]:
It's like almost kind of gotten you out of yourself a bit.
Joel [00:18:05]:
Oh. Oh, yes. And I think the advice that I can give not just to avoidance, but to anyone, just, look, I get it. We, a lot of times we're wrapped up in doing the work or a little bit self obsessed with all those different practises, but sometimes we just really need to get out of our way. We need to get over ourselves. And, and for me, this Experience has been a little bit of that, getting. Getting over myself. Like, it has completely changed my trajectory.
Joel [00:18:36]:
Like, in the last year, I've also taken up coaching, following in Steph's footsteps, and that's come through. I don't know. The first six months really felt like a very reflective time for me. And I'm like, I want to be the mentor and the coach that I feel like I was missing. I essentially, I just looked at Ollie and I wanted to father myself even more, if that makes sense.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:01]:
Yeah. I think that there is so much healing of our own young parts in the way that we get to show up as parents.
Joel [00:19:11]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:12]:
And I think that that's a really beautiful thing. Okay, and last question is. I think we've already touched on this, really. But what would you say to couples who are about to become parents or who are in the thick of it? Maybe you're even considering becoming parents. I think you sort of already did that just then about how to protect and nurture their relationship through the changes.
Joel [00:19:33]:
Just have some perspective.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:35]:
Yeah.
Joel [00:19:35]:
Like, really awesome. Zoom out if it takes you. Like, if you need a physical prompt, go climb a mountain together and have some space. Like, just go onto the top of a hill, look over horizon, get some perspective and just look at each other and just like, we're in this together. Like, we will be frustrated with each other. We will kind of lose ourselves in a moment. But I think just be really receptive, be very intentional in your space and just remember that you're there to co parent each other as much as you're parenting this child.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:12]:
Yeah. I think that when you're in that, like, locked in that insecure dynamic. And just to be very clear, I feel like the way we're talking about it sounds very rosy. Like we don't do this perfectly all the time. Even now. Like, we had an argument on the way here this morning. Like, we are not perfect at this at all. But I think, like, when you get going to those insecure dynamics, like, you get so zoomed in and you can get so petty, and that is just the opposite of what you need when you're doing parenting.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:40]:
And there's a lot of times where you just have to get over yourself and get your time and get on with it. So I think the more that you can kind of channel that energy of, like, this person is on my team. I love this person. We're in this together. Let's make it easier for ourselves and each other rather than being in that energy of point scoring or resentment or blame I think that there's a lot of wisdom in like maybe not making mountains out of molehills with all of the little things that will come up on a day to day basis. And I think speaking of resentment, get ahead of that really quickly. Like if ever we notice that coming up. And like it comes up because that's the thing that happens in relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:23]:
It's really important to name it and figure out where it's coming from because it usually is pointing to some imbalance or something that needs recalibration. Some story that one or the other of us is harbouring about unfairness or. And like don't let that snowball because it will. And then it, it bleeds into everything and it will get bigger. So I think that getting ahead of any resentment and being as open as you can be. And of course it's easy to be defensive when you are also having a hard time if your partner is being vulnerable about that. But I think being able to have open and honest conversations about sharing the load and what's feeling good and maybe what needs a bit of shifting, I think that's really, really important.
Joel [00:22:06]:
Yeah. Take responsibility as well.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:10]:
Yeah, yeah. Own your side of the street because it's never as one sided as it can feel in those moments when it's so easy to make the other person the problem. Okay, I think we're going to leave it there because it's getting long. I really hope that that's been helpful. As I said, we are not perfect at this, but we have certainly learned a lot about ourselves and each other in our relationship. And parenting has been an overwhelmingly positive transition for us in the past year and a half or so. And so to anyone else who's in the thick of it or on the brink of it, I'm sending you lots of love and I hope that this has been helpful than Guys, thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
Stephanie Rigg [00:23:07]:
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. To this holiday season, there's no better place to get cosy holiday gifts for all your people than Aerie. From soft sweaters to everyday intimates and activewear, Aerie has the comfiest pieces made for the real you. And don't forget to treat yourself too while you're at it. You've earned it. Find your nearest Aerie store or shop online at aerie.com give love real.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
parenthood transition, attachment styles, relationship coaching, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, parenting challenges, becoming parents, parenting expectations, relationship strain, Secure Together course, Black Friday sale, couples course, nervous system regulation, family values, intentional parenting, managing overwhelm, resilience in parenting, simplicity in family life, teamwork in parenting, balancing responsibilities, stress management, self-reflection, healing childhood wounds, partner support, open communication, resentment in relationships, sharing the workload, collective effort, emotional capacity, personal growth through parenting
#213: How to Care Less About Others' Opinions & Trust Yourself More
If you’ve ever found yourself obsessing over what others think of you, replaying conversations in your head, or changing parts of yourself to win approval—you’re far from alone. Most of us have, at one point or another, handed over our sense of self-worth to the opinions of others. So how do you begin to loosen that grip—to care less about what others think, without swinging to the extreme of not caring at all? Let’s explore.
If you’ve ever found yourself obsessing over what others think of you, replaying conversations in your head, or changing parts of yourself to win approval—you’re far from alone.
Most of us have, at one point or another, handed over our sense of self-worth to the opinions of others. But while seeking connection and acceptance is deeply human, there comes a point when caring too much starts costing us our peace, authenticity, and self-trust.
So how do you begin to loosen that grip—to care less about what others think, without swinging to the extreme of not caring at all? Let’s explore.
Why We Care So Much About What Others Think
From an evolutionary standpoint, caring about others’ opinions makes sense. Belonging to a group once meant safety and survival. Rejection, on the other hand, was dangerous.
But for many of us—especially those with anxious attachment patterns—that ancient instinct has gone into overdrive. We become hyper-attuned to others’ moods and feedback, believing our safety, worth, or lovability depends on being liked or approved of.
It’s not unusual for people with these patterns to:
Constantly read between the lines of others’ behavior
Avoid conflict at all costs
Take responsibility for other people’s emotions
Feel like they’ve failed if someone is upset with them
This way of being can feel like self-protection, but it actually leads to deep self-abandonment. You begin outsourcing your self-image—allowing others to define whether you’re good, kind, successful, or enough.
The Cost of Outsourcing Your Self-Worth
The longer you prioritize being liked over being authentic, the more disconnected you become from yourself.
Over time, that can look like:
Chronic indecision because you’re trying to please everyone
Burnout from overcommitting and overperforming
A vague sense that you’re living someone else’s life
Feeling anxious, hollow, or “off,” even when things seem fine on the surface
Dr. Gabor Maté describes this as the trade-off between authenticity and connection. As children, we’ll always choose connection—because it’s essential for survival. But as adults, continuing to abandon ourselves for approval becomes soul-depleting.
The turning point is realizing that true connection doesn’t require self-betrayal.
What Shifting Looks Like
Caring less about others’ opinions doesn’t mean becoming detached, arrogant, or dismissive. It means cultivating discernment and anchoring into your own sense of truth.
Here’s what that shift can look like in practice:
1. Reclaim Your Internal Compass
Begin asking yourself:
What actually matters to me?
What do I value in relationships, work, and life?
What kind of person do I want to be, independent of others’ approval?
It might feel uncomfortable at first—especially if you’re used to orienting around others—but this is how you begin rebuilding trust with yourself.
2. Notice When You Self-Abandon
Pay attention to moments when you override your own feelings to keep the peace, say yes when you mean no, or pretend something doesn’t bother you. These are small acts of self-betrayal, and each one erodes self-trust.
When you start catching these moments, you can begin choosing differently—honoring your truth even when it’s uncomfortable.
3. Be Selective About Whose Opinions You Value
Not every opinion deserves equal weight. Seek feedback from people who:
Share similar values
Have walked the path you’re on
Speak from love, not judgment
If someone’s life doesn’t reflect what you want for yourself, their opinion doesn’t need to carry authority over your choices.
4. Build Integrity with Yourself
Self-trust is built by keeping promises to yourself, even small ones. When you consistently choose alignment over approval, you send your nervous system a powerful message: I’ve got me.
That sense of internal safety softens the need for external validation.
Caring Less Isn’t Cold—It’s Centered
You don’t have to stop caring about others entirely. That’s neither realistic nor desirable. Instead, the goal is to care more about being someone you’re proud of—someone guided by integrity, values, and authenticity.
When you anchor into that, others’ opinions lose their power. Criticism feels less like a threat and more like information you can take or leave.
It’s not about building walls; it’s about building a solid foundation within yourself.
A Final Word
Learning to care less about others’ opinions isn’t an overnight transformation—it’s a gradual process of returning home to yourself. It takes courage to choose alignment over approval and to prioritize self-trust over people-pleasing.
But the freedom that comes from living in integrity with who you truly are? That’s worth everything.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to care less about other people's opinions and trust yourself more. So this is one that I know probably 90 plus percent of people who I work with and teach have some version of this struggle of being so overly invested in the thoughts, opinions, beliefs, feedback of people around them and often to the detriment of our own internal sense of right and wrong or good and bad or what's best for us. And so we can end up really outsourcing not only our decision making, but our own self image. And whether or not we are doing okay, whether or not we're a good person, whether or not we're acceptable, we let other people be the arbiter of that. And naturally that takes us further and further away from having a healthy relationship with ourselves because oftentimes we neglect that in favour of being whoever we think we need to be in order to secure the approval of others.
[00:01:30]:
And while that makes a lot of sense as we'll talk about today from a few different angles, I think that it can really cost us a lot. And so I want to talk about that and I want to talk about how you can maybe shift away from being so externally oriented and find ways to connect with your own sense of who you are and what's right for you so that you've got more of a sturdy base within yourself and you're not so subject to being thrown off centre by whatever else is going on out there. And I think that this topic is one that really straddles romantic relationships, but also friends, family, work. It's really the whole gamut because I think it shows up in pretty much every area of our lives. And so hopefully the advice that I'm sharing with you today will apply irrespective of your individual circumstances around relationships or whatever else. Before we get into today's episode, a quick reminder about my free training on how to heal anxious attachment. It's a really great resource if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you want to know what the path to a more secure way of being not just in your relationships, but within yourself. And that's really, in my mind, the most important first step is healing that inner relationship and allowing that to then trickle out to your external relationships.
[00:02:47]:
And I share all about that in this free training. So it's definitely worth checking out if you're someone who struggles with these things and you maybe have been doing a lot of work and a lot of learning, but you don't really have a clear sense of what the framework is, what healing looks like. My free training is a really great place to start, and you can find the link for that in the show notes or by heading directly to my website. Okay, so let's talk about how to care less about other people's opinions and trust yourself more. Now, notice that I didn't title this episode how to Stop Caring about Other People's Opinions, because I actually think that that can be a bit of an overcorrection. It can be a way that we maybe puff up and feign indifferent difference when that's not really honest. And that's certainly not what I want to encourage you to do in today's episode or elsewhere, because I think that there is a very natural, evolutionary, even adaptive inclination towards seeking the counsel and feedback and guidance of the people around us and taking that on board and processing it and letting that guide our decision making steer the ship to a degree. So I don't think that telling ourselves that we should not care at all about what anyone thinks or says about us.
[00:03:58]:
I don't think that that's honest. I actually don't think that's healthy. I think that can lead us into almost avoidance and denial, blocking out the feedback of others in our lives. I think what we really want to focus on is can I cultivate enough discernment within myself that I am seeking out the guidance and the input of people who I trust and whose opinion I value? And I'm taking that on board alongside my own assessment of what's ultimately right for me. I think that's what healthy looks like in this circumstance, and that's really what we want to be aiming for, the healthy middle ground. It's not. I care so much about what everyone thinks and I'm taking on all of that as true. And I have no idea where my own sense of rightness sits in amongst that sea of voices and opinions.
[00:04:46]:
And it's not the other extreme of I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm just going to do what I want. So with that in mind, that kind of is the North Star of what we're aiming for here. I do want to talk about why, particularly if you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, you might find yourself being very invested in what people think of you. You. So there are a few pieces to this. One is that we know anxiously attached people are very other oriented, very externally focused, and that often manifests in our relationships as being hyper fixated on what the other person is wanting, needing, thinking, feeling, and telling ourselves that if we can manage that and preempt that and control that, then we will be okay. And we can see that if that's kind of the template, whether we realise it or not, oftentimes that is running as a bit of a subconscious programme.
[00:05:34]:
But if that's the template, that tells us that the way to protect ourselves is to be so tuned into other people and so good at preempting what they want and need and giving them that. That we make ourselves useful or that we keep them happy, or that we please them, we get their approval. We can see how that would really quickly extend to being very, very invested in what other people think of us because we've convinced ourselves that that's where our worth and value lies and that's where our safety lies. So while we can see that play out in the romantic relationship arena in really clear ways, I think that can also really naturally extend to friendships, to family, to work, to even strangers. We just want everyone to like us and we have this sense of, you know, I'm only okay if everyone likes and approves of me. If every person that I interact with has a positive impression of me, and to the extent that they don't or I sense that they don't, I take that as some personal failing and I feel the need to fix it because so much of my identity is wrapped up in being this person that everyone likes and approves of. So there's a lot there and this stuff can run really deep. If you listened to my episode a few months back with Lael Stone, she talked about the good girl imprint that so many of us women carry.
[00:06:52]:
And this pattern that I'm talking about is not exclusive to women, but certainly I think many women have that sense of like, I just have to be good and pleasing to everyone and then I'll be safe, then I'll be valuable, then I'll be liked. And from that place, of course, we're so invested in what people think of us because the stakes are really high. If someone doesn't like us, then that is tantamount to us feeling like we've done something wrong and that we're maybe unsafe. And so naturally that takes precedence over liking ourselves or having a clear centre, because that feels way less important than keeping ourselves safe. And so if that feels like the trade off, we'll always choose safety over being really true to ourselves, being authentic to what's right for us. But of course, that trade off has consequences, as it always does. Dr. Gabor Mate and others talk about this trade off between authenticity and connection.
[00:07:46]:
And that while it makes sense and while in some ways it's adaptive, and particularly in early caregiving environments, if you have to choose between, like, belonging and connection or being true to yourself, you'll choose belonging and connection every time. And that makes sense because not belonging or not having connection with your caregivers as a child, as an infant, is life threatening. But as we move through the world and as we become adults, constantly sacrificing what's right for us, what's true for us, in favour of garnering the approval of others, that starts to really wear us down. And it takes us so far away from our centre to the point where we don't even know who we are. And I've heard this more times than I could count, more times than I could tell you from students in my programmes, when we'll go through exercise around identifying your needs or identifying your values, what do you want? And people just draw a blank. They don't know how to answer the question of, like, what are your needs in a relationship? Or, you know, what are your non negotiables? How do you want to feel in your relationships? People don't know how to answer it because they are so unaccustomed to actually tuning in and knowing what's right for them. You know, sometimes even things like, what do you like to do in your spare time? People don't know how to answer the question because they've spent all of their life just deferring to what the people around them want and prefer and like and enjoy. And so this can be a real process of getting to know yourself again and getting clear on your values and what's right for you.
[00:09:20]:
Not having regard to all of the people around me and all of the obligations that I've picked up and all of the roles that I've been playing, because I think that can really lead us into living a bit of a borrowed life or waking up one day and going, like, how did I get here? Whose life is this that I'm living? Because it doesn't feel very, very meaningful or aligned or purposeful to me, and yet here I am, I've worked so hard and invested so much in getting here, but it feels very hollow because it doesn't really feel like it's mine. I think the other really common side effect of living in this way is chronic self doubt, indecisiveness and paralysis. So when your decision making is guided by I have to make everyone happy and do the thing that's going to get me the approval of everyone around me, naturally that's going to feel like a really, really wobbly foundation upon which to make decisions because you've big tension between what I think might maybe be right for me. But also I don't trust that I know what that is or that I'm allowed to prioritise that. And I have to balance that against keeping everyone else happy or doing what everyone else is going to approve of and making sure I never disappoint anyone. And so trying to feed all of those factors into the equation and come out with a clear answer is likely to feel very overwhelming and I think can lead into this place of total decision paralysis and frozenness. And just like it's too much, I can't figure out the answer. Oftentimes it's because there is no answer to an equation with that many variables in it.
[00:10:51]:
And we actually have to simplify it, strip it back to what actually matters here. What am I actually trying to solve for what's most important to me, rather than trying to solve for 10 variables in one. So with all of that as the backdrop, what does a different approach look like? I think the key is really finding an anchor within ourselves. And that is a process. It's not something that you're going to be able kind of switch back into overnight because it's not just building and finding. It's actually a stripping away of all of the things that are not you, all of the parts that are maybe a mask or a performance or, you know, constant efforting to try and keep everything afloat and intact, connecting all the dots, bringing awareness to the roles that you've played that are maybe not you or maybe not serving you and actually coming back to what do I want my life to look and feel like? What's important to me? What kind of person do I want to be? How do I want to show up in this world? You know, how do I want people to remember me? Not from a place of vanity metrics, but like, how do I want to have impacted people? I think that that can really orient us back to what matters to us. And for some of us that will feel like a remembering and for others it'll feel like a Discovery of things that we've maybe never landed on before. But either way I think it's a very, very worthwh because it can shine a light on not only what matters but what doesn't.
[00:12:19]:
And certainly for me, back when I was grappling with what do I do with my life for anyone who's listening, who doesn't know my story. I used to be a lawyer and I've had a bit of a reckoning and decided to change careers and pursue this, which I actually cared about and was interested in. But there was a lot of stuff to unpack there. There was a lot of disentangling my ego and my attachment to what people thought of me and what are they going to say and what are people going to and all of that. And I had to hold the fact that there was a big part of me that was really, really scared about stepping away from the well trodden path and what people expected of me and doing something that was a bit out there and risky and unexpected. I had to get to the point where it was like I don't care or at least I don't care enough about what people might say that I'm not going to do this thing that feels right for me. And I think that's what we want to find is like the point at which we care more about our wellbeing, living in alignment. That starts to trump the other stuff, the approval, the attention, the acceptance, the fitting in in places and circles where maybe we don't actually belong on a soul level.
[00:13:30]:
And I think there's a difference between belonging and fitting in. And so as we start to get clarity on that then it takes some courage to maybe make hard decisions or maybe start setting boundaries or choosing ourselves in ways that we haven't before. But in doing that we build self trust in really profound ways. Because a really, really reliable way to erode self trust is to just outsource everything to other people and try and chase affection, approval, attention, acceptance of others, particularly when it's not in alignment with your values. That lack of integrity or that self betrayal really does erode trust much in the same way as it does in a relationship. If you can tell that someone is not honouring their values then that's much harder to trust that person than if they feel like a real person of integrity. So becoming a person of integrity and learning to care more about that than what other people think. Again, it's not about pretending that we don't care at all.
[00:14:28]:
It's human to care about what Other people think, but learning to care more about being someone that we are proud of being and a person of integrity and values and alignment with our own internal compass. I think that's really what we want to shoot for. And just to emphasise, as I said at the start, we want to have discernment around whose ideas and opinions and input we take on board. And I think it's really valuable to have trusted counsel. You know, people who you go to when you're struggling with with something and whose take you really do value. And part of the discernment around that is going like, do I admire this person? Do they seem to have similar values to me when it comes to this particular issue? You know, don't take relationship advice from people who have a shocking history of relationships. Don't take parenting advice from people whose parenting doesn't really align with yours. Don't take financial advice from someone who's gone bankrupt three times.
[00:15:19]:
Right? Be discerning, be really clear and have that inner clarity and sturdiness that you aren't just this mesh like being that's taking all of it in and doesn't have any sense of boundary around that. That's a really, really important part of your growth. The clearer you get around that and the more comfortable you become in who you are and the choices that you're making, it naturally solves for that tendency to overly identify with other people's opinions of you, because it does tend to feel like water off a duck's back a little more. Sometimes when we are really sensitive to other people's opinions, it's because we're not really clear. And so someone being crit of us feels like it's holding up a mirror to the criticism that we have of ourselves or the doubt that we have around our own choices. So the more we can become really steadfast and value aligned and clear, then I think we naturally provide a buffer for ourselves against other people's criticism or other people's judgement because it just feels less relevant. We see so clearly that it's about them and not us. Okay, I really hope that that's been helpful, guys.
[00:16:23]:
I know it's a big one, I know it can be pervasive and all encompassing, but I think if you start to reflect on the things that I've shared today and start to just make even small changes in the direction of more value alignment, more self awareness, more backing of your authentic sense of what's right for you, and that will mean tolerating some friction and some disappointment and some discomfort. As you start to shift into a new way of being, but that is all part of the process. So sending you lots of love. I really hope it's been helpful and I will see you again next week.
[00:17:00]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, anxious attachment, self trust, other people's opinions, relationships, insecurity, approval seeking, self image, external validation, decision making, discernment, healthy relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, family dynamics, workplace relationships, healing attachment, self awareness, values, authenticity, boundaries, self doubt, indecisiveness, decision paralysis, self discovery, people pleasing, good girl imprint, belonging, connection, self alignment