#245: Should Anxiously Attached People Just Avoid Avoidants?
If you’ve spent any time learning about attachment styles—whether that’s through books, TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram—you’ve probably come across a piece of advice that sounds something like this: “If you’re anxiously attached, just avoid avoidant people. On the surface, it makes sense. If you’ve been hurt in an anxious–avoidant dynamic before, of course you’d want to protect yourself from repeating that experience. But here’s the thing: I don’t give that advice. Let’s unpack why.
If you’ve spent any time learning about attachment styles—whether that’s through books, TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram—you’ve probably come across a piece of advice that sounds something like this:
“If you’re anxiously attached, just avoid avoidant people.”
On the surface, it makes sense. If you’ve been hurt in an anxious–avoidant dynamic before, of course you’d want to protect yourself from repeating that experience.
But here’s the thing: I don’t give that advice.
Not because discernment isn’t important—it absolutely is—but because I think that approach is overly simplistic and, in many cases, actually unhelpful.
Let’s unpack why.
The Problem With “Just Avoid Avoidants”
The first issue is that this advice assumes that all avoidantly attached people are the same.
They’re not.
Attachment styles exist on a spectrum. Two people can both have avoidant tendencies and be wildly different in terms of:
emotional availability
communication skills
self-awareness
capacity for growth
willingness to do the work
Reducing someone to a label like “avoidant” flattens their humanity. It strips away nuance, curiosity, and compassion—qualities that are actually essential if you want to build a healthy, secure relationship.
You wouldn’t want someone doing that to you based on your anxious tendencies. And yet, this advice encourages exactly that kind of thinking.
It Feeds Anxiety, Not Security
There’s another, deeper problem here—especially for anxiously attached people.
Advice like “watch out for avoidants,” “spot the narcissists,” or “avoid toxic people at all costs” can reinforce a worldview that says:
people aren’t safe
love is dangerous
you need to be constantly on guard
And if you already struggle with anxiety in relationships, that mindset is only going to amplify it.
You start dating from a place of hypervigilance:
scanning for red flags
overanalyzing behavior
trying to “figure people out” as quickly as possible
assuming the worst to protect yourself
That’s not a grounded, self-trusting place to build connection from. It’s an anxious one.
And it often keeps you stuck in the very patterns you’re trying to outgrow.
So What Should You Focus On Instead?
This is where the real shift happens.
Rather than asking:
“Are they avoidant?”
A much more useful question is:
“Do they have the qualities and capacity I need in a partner?”
That’s a completely different lens.
Instead of filtering people through a broad label, you’re getting specific about what actually matters in a relationship.
For example:
How do they handle conflict?
Can they have hard conversations?
Do they take accountability when something is raised?
Are they emotionally available and responsive?
Do they want a relationship and show consistency toward that?
These are far more meaningful indicators of compatibility than trying to diagnose someone’s attachment style early on.
Discernment Over Diagnosis
To be clear, this isn’t about being naïve or ignoring red flags.
It’s about being discerning in a more precise and grounded way.
You still get to have:
high standards
clear boundaries
non-negotiables
deal breakers
But instead of using a blunt filter like “avoidant = bad,” you’re assessing:
“Is this person actually showing up in a way that works for me?”
That requires presence, self-awareness, and a willingness to see what’s actually in front of you—not just what your fear is projecting.
Why This Matters So Much
The reality is that anxious–avoidant pairings are incredibly common.
Sometimes they’re painful and destabilizing.
But other times—when both people have self-awareness and a willingness to grow—they can be deeply meaningful, balanced, and secure relationships.
If you automatically filtered out anyone with avoidant tendencies, you could very easily dismiss someone who actually has the capacity to meet you in a healthy way.
Relationships aren’t about selecting a perfectly secure “template” of a person.
They’re about connecting with real, complex humans—and then deciding, with clarity and self-trust, whether that connection is right for you.
A More Empowered Approach to Dating
Ultimately, this is about shifting from fear-based dating to self-led dating.
Instead of:
“How do I avoid getting hurt?”
“How do I screen out all the wrong people?”
You’re anchoring into:
“What am I actually looking for?”
“What do I need to feel safe, respected, and valued?”
“Is this person showing me that they can meet me there?”
And just as importantly:
“Am I willing to walk away if they can’t?”
That’s where your power is.
Not in perfectly predicting who will hurt you—but in trusting yourself to make aligned decisions as things unfold.
Final Thoughts
If you had the choice between a securely attached partner and an avoidant one, all else being equal, would things likely feel easier with the secure person?
Sure.
But that’s not how real life works.
You’re not choosing from a lineup of perfectly labeled options—you’re meeting real people, with nuance, history, and capacity that unfolds over time.
Your job isn’t to eliminate all risk.
It’s to stay grounded in yourself, clear in what you want, and willing to choose accordingly.
Because when you’re anchored in that place, you don’t need a rule like “avoid avoidants” to keep you safe.
You’ve got something far more powerful:
Discernment, self-trust, and the ability to choose what’s truly right for you.
You might also like…
[00:00:57]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode I am talking about why I don't give the advice to anxiously attached people to just avoid avoidant people. So this is something that you'll hear flying around a lot. If you spend any time on YouTube or if you've read certain high profile books about attachment, you might have heard this line that anxiously attached people are just better off steering clear of avoidant people altogether. And that that should be your focus if you are dating, that you should try and filter out avoidant people to save yourself the pain. And while I wish it were that simple and easy, there are a few reasons why I don't adopt that approach or give out that advice myself. And I want to unpack that for you today because it comes up a lot among my students. People will be asking like how can know if someone's avoidant early on so that I can kind of know what I'm getting myself into or that I can not invest in that relationship or all of those things, which again make a lot of sense, particularly if you've been in a challenging dynamic with someone with more avoidant patterns in the past that you would be mindful or wary of that and walking down the same path again.
[00:02:15]:
And I think there's a lot of nuance needed here because it's not to say that you should be seeking out or be blind to potentially unhealthy dynamics that you are getting yourself into. But I do think there are deeper layers to exercise discernment around rather than the blunt instrument of whether or not someone is avoidant. And that's what I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around today as well as I think what is more helpful for you to Be anchored in and grounded in when you're approaching dating. Before we get into today's episode, just a quick reminder for anyone who might be new here that I have a whole host of free resources on my website. Free Trainings for Anxious Attachment I have a free Anxious Attachment starter kit. I have actually a new attachment styles quiz. There's lots of stuff there. I just got a brand new website recently and it's had a total overhaul and there's so much value there.
[00:03:09]:
So if you are someone who is unpicking some of these attachment patterns, wanting to learn more and my approach resonates with you, I definitely encourage you to go and cheque out my website stephanyrigg.com to dig a little deeper into all of that. And as I said, there's heaps of free stu there. It's not just my programmes for you to cheque out. Okay, so let's talk about this and allow me to explain what I mean when I say I don't think it's that simple. And I don't think that the advice of like, just steer clear of avoidant people altogether is your solution when it comes to dating and relationships. Like, that's going to be the solve for all of your problems. So the first and most obvious piece is that this advice presupposes that everyone with avoidant attachment patterns is the same and is at the same point in their journey and has the same qualities and attributes. And obviously that is very reductive and untrue in the same way that not everyone with anxious attachment is the same and presents in the same way, it really flattens someone's humanity to just say, like, because you have this attachment pattern, you are this type of person and I don't want anything to do with you.
[00:04:18]:
I think that's utterly lacking in curiosity and compassion and nuance and richness and all of the things that really, really are required of us if we want to build healthy, secure relationships. So that is probably stating the obvious, but I think it's it is worth stating that of course not everyone is going to be the same. And I could certainly say from my own personal experience that my current partner certainly exhibits avoidant patterns at times and my ex partner who also exhibited avoidant patterns, they are completely different people with completely different levels of capacity. So if I were to put them in the same bucket and apply a very broad filter that would have led me to dismiss my current partner on the basis of under stress you can be more avoidant. Therefore I don't want to be in A relationship with you, to me, that is too much of a blunt instrument and it's not helpful. So the other key piece at kind of a headline level that I don't like about this advice is that I think for a lot of people with anxious attachment patterns, all of the dating advice feeds this baseline tendency that you probably already have to be really on guard and suspicious and wary and feeling like there are lots of bad people out there who are going to come and hurt you. Right? That's what anxiety is basically doing. Right? It's just warning us all the time and convincing us that there are all of these things that could go wrong, all of these ways we could get hurt and we have to be on the lookout for that.
[00:05:51]:
And so I think advice, whether it's about avoidant people or it's about narcissists or toxic people or love bombing or all of these other terms that get thrown around and I would say overused, what that contributes to is an overall impression that the world is not a safe place, that people are bad and out to get you. And when your starting point is already to feel powerless and lacking in self trust, feeling like you have to really be hyper vigilant in order to weed out all of these people who are trying to hurt and manipulate you, that is going to put you so deep in your anxiety, anxiety when you're dating. And I don't think that that's a very helpful approach. I don't think it's the energy from which you want to be exploring new connections. And I don't think it grounds you in your agency and your self worth and self esteem and all of these things that we would want to be leading from when we're exploring new connections when we're dating. So that then leads to, okay, what do we do instead? And this is really the crux of the advice that I always give to students in my courses when they ask some variation of this question. It's not to say like therefore don't be discerning or therefore be really naive about the kinds of connections that you invest in. I am a huge believer in the opposite of that and being extremely discerning in having really high standards around what we will and won't tolerate, what we are and are not making ourselves available for, and not making excuses for poor behaviour.
[00:07:19]:
But my advice is always to go a level deeper. So don't be like, oh, I think they might be avoidant, therefore I need to end things or they're going to hurt me or whatever else. Think about what Underlying qualities or traits or characteristics you want in a partner and in a relationship and then assess the person in front of you based on whether they seem to have that capacity, whether they are showing up in a way that exhibits those traits or not. But it's a much more specific and precise filter than just are they avoidant? So to take it out of the abstract, we might be talking about what's their capacity to have hard conversations? How do they communicate in conflict? If I express something that's not feeling good for me, how do they respond to that? Are they wanting to be in a relationship? Some avoidant people can resist labels or not want to commit. Others are wanting a relationship and are ready to commit. So go a level deeper, get really clear around specifically what am I wanting in a partner in a relationship and give yourself a yardstick against which to assess someone. Again, like not from a place of scrutiny or judgement, but just from discernment. So that you can have a sense of whether or not you are aligned on a deeper level than just your attachment styles.
[00:08:40]:
Because the reality is so many people are in anxious avoidant pairings. There's a reason that so many people are in those pairings is because oftentimes we're drawn to each other and sometimes that can look like a bit of a shit show, but other times it can really work and it just depends on the capacity and the self awareness and the willingness of the individuals involved. Whether that flourishes into something beautiful and you can find a healthy balance in that dynamic or whether it unravels into really negative, unhealthy cycles where you each trigger each other and push each other away. All of those things. So get really clear, what are the qualities I'm looking for, what are my non negotiables, what are my deal breakers? And let that be the thing against which you judge whether someone's a good fit for you rather than your assessment of their attachment style, which of course encompasses such a range and a spectrum of behaviours of capacities and really reducing somewhat down to the label that you've put on them, is very much a blunt instrument and will mean that you're leading from fear as well. Which I think when we're a bit more grounded in what we are looking for and we're kind of hunting for green flags rather than red flags, we are approaching dating from a really different energy and it's one that is much more self trusting rather than feeling like we can't trust anyone, we can't trust ourselves and so we just have to be in that mode of hypervigilance and, and fear and worry and alarm, which is not really how we want to be kicking things off in a new connection. We want to be feeling grounded in our sense of security, knowing what we're looking for, and really comfortable with letting things go if they don't fit. So I hope that that's given you something to think about.
[00:10:27]:
I hope it's an empowering reframe for you. And, you know, if you had the choice between a secure partner and an avoidant partner, would your life be a little easier if you chose the secure person? All else being equal? Probably. But that's not how relationships work. Right? We're not just choosing templates of people from a lineup. We're connecting with real three dimensional people and we're drawn to certain people. None of that's wrong. We just have to go in with our eyes open and not be blindly led by feelings and have a healthy dose of self awareness and discernment in the mix. Okay, guys, I'm going to leave it there.
[00:11:11]:
Thanks so much. I hope that this has been helpful and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment podcast, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, attachment styles, dating advice, relationship patterns, discernment in dating, emotional self trust, free anxious attachment resources, attachment style quiz, secure relationships, relationship deal breakers, communication in conflict, commitment readiness, self awareness in dating, personal growth, green flags in relationships, red flags in dating, navigating anxiety in dating
#244: I Healed My Anxious Attachment… So Why Don’t I Want a Relationship Anymore? (Ask Steph)
#244: I Healed My Anxious Attachment… So Why Don’t I Want a Relationship Anymore? (Ask Steph)