#170: Dating Q&A: Early Dating with Anxious Attachment, Navigating Texting Anxiety, Not Attaching Too Quickly, Prioritising Values Over Chemistry
In this Q&A episode, I’m answering your most common questions about early dating—particularly through the lens of anxious attachment. If dating feels like a minefield of overthinking, anxiety, and emotional highs and lows, this episode is for you.
In this Q&A episode, I’m answering your most common questions about early dating—particularly through the lens of anxious attachment. If dating feels like a minefield of overthinking, anxiety, and emotional highs and lows, this episode is for you.
We’ll explore:
Early dating dynamics: Navigating the vulnerability and uncertainty that comes with getting to know someone new.
Not attaching too quickly: Why it happens for those with anxious attachment and how to pace yourself emotionally.
Texting anxiety: How to manage the discomfort of waiting for replies and keep yourself grounded.
Values over chemistry: Why prioritising what truly matters can help you avoid unhealthy patterns and feel more secure.
Navigating Early Dating as an Anxiously Attached Person
Dating can be a whirlwind of emotions, especially for those who lean towards anxious attachment. The early stages of dating bring forth various challenges that can trigger insecurities and make the experience more stressful than it needs to be. However, understanding these dynamics and equipping oneself with practical tools can help ease the process. Here’s how to navigate early dating as someone with anxious attachment, from handling texting anxiety to prioritising values over fleeting chemistry.
Managing the Urge to Attach Quickly
One common experience for those with anxious attachment is the tendency to get attached very quickly. This often involves fantasising about the future with someone they've just met, leading to heightened feelings of attachment before truly knowing the person.
Reminder: You Don’t Know Them Yet
It’s crucial to remind yourself in the early dating stages that you don’t fully know the person yet. Although the initial connection might feel strong, it’s essential to recognise that it’s based on a limited interaction. Both parties tend to present the best versions of themselves in the beginning, which can create an idealised image.
Slow Down the Physical Intimacy
Holding off on physical intimacy can also be beneficial. Since being intimate often amplifies attachment, postponing this until there’s a clearer picture of mutual interest and compatibility can help manage the intensity of attachment.
Self-Responsibility and Boundaries
Be self-responsible by setting personal boundaries around how quickly you allow yourself to get attached. This might mean consciously pulling back and pacing the relationship to ensure that emotions don’t overshadow rational decision-making.
Navigating a Slow Burn
The early dating stages can be especially challenging when things are moving slowly. The uncertainty and lack of assurance can trigger anxiety and make one feel the need to fast-track the process.
Comfort in Discomfort
Recognise that the discomfort of not knowing where you stand is a natural part of the early dating process. It’s important to learn how to hold space for this uncertainty without feeling the need to resolve it immediately.
Focus on Self-Care
Continue to prioritise self-care and maintain your normal routines. Engaging in activities that bring joy and spending time with friends can prevent you from becoming overly fixated on the new relationship.
Set Communication Boundaries
Creating boundaries around communication can help manage anxiety. For instance, if you find yourself constantly checking for messages, setting specific times to check your phone can prevent the anticipation from overwhelming your day.
Balancing Chemistry and Values
It’s easy to get swept up by physical attraction and chemistry, but ensuring that your values align is crucial for long-term compatibility.
Understand Your Values
Clearly define your values and non-negotiables before entering the dating scene. Knowing what you need and what you’re not willing to compromise on can help you stay grounded when chemistry is high.
Act on Intention, Not Impulse
While it’s natural to feel strong attraction, it’s important not to let it cloud your judgement. Stay intentional about assessing compatibility beyond surface-level attributes by focusing on your predefined values and needs.
Validate Your Standards
Trust and validate your standards. Compromising on your core values for the sake of chemistry can lead to dissatisfaction down the line. Prioritising values ensures that the relationship is built on a solid foundation.
Tackling Texting Anxiety
Texting anxiety is a significant challenge for those with anxious attachment, as it can create a cycle of tension and constant validation-seeking.
Recognise the Addictive Nature
Understand that texting can create an addictive loop, where each response provides a dopamine hit, followed by anxiety during the waiting period. Recognising this pattern is the first step to managing it.
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Set clear boundaries around texting. For example, telling your date that you’ll be putting your phone on do not disturb during work hours can create a sense of structure. This reduces the anticipatory anxiety of waiting for a response and helps maintain focus on daily tasks.
Communicate Needs Directly
Communicating directly can also prevent misunderstandings. Letting your date know your communication preferences can set the tone for healthier interactions and reduce anxiety around guessing their intentions.
Focus on Self-Trust
Build self-trust by honouring your boundaries and recognising that you don’t need constant communication to secure someone’s interest. Time and space don’t diminish the connection if it’s genuinely there.
Conclusion
Navigating early dating with anxious attachment presents unique challenges, but it also offers an opportunity for personal growth. By understanding your patterns, setting boundaries, prioritising values, and managing texting anxiety, you can create a more balanced and fulfilling dating experience. Remember, it’s about staying true to yourself and cultivating relationships that align with your authentic needs and values. Warmth, patience, and self-compassion will guide you through the journey towards healthier attachment and loving relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find that you often get attached too quickly in early dating? What are some specific situations where you noticed this happening?
How do you typically react when someone you're interested in does not text back immediately? What feelings or thoughts come up for you, and how do you manage them?
Are you clear on your nonnegotiables and deal-breakers in a relationship? Write a list of your top 3 nonnegotiables and 3 deal-breakers and reflect on how well you've adhered to them in past relationships.
Reflect on a time when you got swept up in chemistry and looks. Looking back, how might focusing on values and alignment have changed the outcome?
What are some practical steps you can take to slow down the pace of your attachment in early dating?
When you feel anxiety around texting in the early stages of dating, what self-care practices can you implement to soothe yourself instead of seeking instant reassurance?
How do you differentiate between a healthy boundary and a defence mechanism in your interactions with potential partners? Do you notice any patterns?
Reflect on a past dating experience where you felt unsupported by your partner's responsiveness. What would you do differently now to ensure your emotional needs are met?
Are you able to sit with discomfort and uncertainty in dating without rushing to 'fix' it? What strategies could help you become more comfortable with this ambiguity?
How do your attachment patterns impact your ability to stay present in early dating? Explore how mindful practices could help you stay focused on the here and now rather than future fantasies.
Use these prompts to dive deeper into your attachment patterns and how they shape your dating experiences.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about anxious attachment and dating. So for a lot of people with anxious attachment, dating is a real challenge. It's a struggle. It very much brings you face to face with a lot of your triggers and a lot of your sensitivities. It really tests you, in ways that can make it all feel like a big swirling pit of anxiety and stress and overthinking and uncertainty. And I know that it's a real struggle for a lot of people.
[00:01:02]:
So in today's episode, I'm going to be answering some questions that I received on Instagram around the topic of anxious attachment and dating, how to navigate things like the pacing of dating as an anxiously attached person. I think anxiously attached people tend to struggle with taking it slow and knowing what to do with that kind of slow burn at the start of early dating. The instinct is very much to jump ahead and try and, know, shortcut all of that early stage where it's a bit uncertain and unclear. I'm also gonna be talking a little bit about texting anxiety, which I know is a big one, and also around being really values driven rather than getting swept up in chemistry and looks and all of those things, and maybe looking past an incompatibility or the fact that it's not really an aligned partnership or an aligned pick for you. So those are gonna be some of the questions that I'm chatting through today. And hopefully, we'll be able to give you some reassurance, some guidance, some practical tools if you are someone who leans towards anxious attachment, and you are currently in the dating pool, and struggling to navigate that and needing a little bit of help. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I do a couple of quick announcements, a reminder that healing anxious attachment is now open.
[00:02:21]:
As I shared last week, I've decided to transition the course to an evergreen model, meaning it is open for enrollment at any time. But today is the last day of early bird pricing, so the price will be rising tomorrow. As I said, you can join whenever now. At least I'll be trialing that model as an alternative to having set launches throughout the year. So you can sign up whenever you want. But if you are interested in joining the course and you'd like to take advantage of the early bird pricing, today's the day to do that as the price will be going up by $100 tomorrow. 2nd quick announcement is just a reminder about my Homecoming Mastermind. So for those who are unfamiliar, Homecoming is my most advanced level program.
[00:03:05]:
It's a 6 month mentorship. It's the most intimate way to work with me at the moment as I'm not offering 1 on 1 coaching. You do get 1 on 1 access to me within the mastermind via voice message. So for that 6 month period of the program, if anything comes up for you, you can reach out to me and have a direct line there for support. As well as a monthly masterclass led by me, 2 monthly group calls, a community space, and free access to all of my programs, which in itself is valued at almost $2,000 So there's stacks of value in this program. And there is an extended 9 month payment plan available at the moment as well. For For anyone who is interested in homecoming, I've opened up a few spots for discovery calls. So if you wanna jump on a call with me and just confirm that it's a good fit for you as a program, I have offered up a few spots for that.
[00:04:00]:
So if you're interested in that, if you could just send an email to my team support@stephanierigg.com, and we can tee that up. Okay. So with that out of the way, let's dive into these questions around anxious attachment and dating. So the first one is how do I stop myself from getting attached too quickly? So I think this is one that a lot of anxiously attached people will relate to. The tendency to go from 0 to a100 in the blink of an eye. You connect with someone and maybe you've only had fairly limited interactions with them, but all of a sudden you're, you're leaping ahead to imagining what it's gonna be like when you introduce them to your family and when you move in together and what are our kids' names gonna be. You're really assessing their suitability as your life partner on the first date or even before the first date. And I think that tendency to skip ahead is very much a trope of anxious attachment.
[00:04:52]:
And I think that's really essential to answering this question of, you know, how do I maybe pull myself back a little? How do I pace myself a little more steadily rather than getting attached too quickly? I think reminding yourself that you don't know this person. When you are in those very early stages, maybe you've only had limited interactions with them. Maybe you've been messaging back and forth. Maybe you've been on a date or 2. You don't know them. As much as you might feel like, oh my god, I know you. We have such an amazing connection. You don't know them.
[00:05:23]:
A very, very limited piece of them that they have presented to you with a view to being charming and being their best selves. As you have them, it's not a criticism of the person. It's just the reality of the context of dating, that we put our best foot forward and we're trying to impress someone, we're trying to get them to like us. I think we all do that and that's fine, but I think we have to go in with an awareness that both we and they are doing that. And so when you find yourself, like, totally smitten with them on the first date, just coming back to, like, I don't really know this person. That doesn't mean that you have to totally discount how you're feeling towards them, but just being wary of the the chemical cocktail that is carrying all of that. And that is leading you to feel very attached to them, but really, you are attaching yourself to a fantasy and a projection. And, obviously, at that early stage, we tend to idealise someone and put them on a pedestal and we can't imagine that they have any faults.
[00:06:24]:
And even if there were any signs of faults, we'd probably look past them anyway and just focus on all of the lovely things that we're very excited about. So just bearing in mind that, like, this person, like every other person, is going to have things that you can't stand, that you just haven't seen yet. So they are not this perfect person. Your whole life doesn't depend on getting them to like you back. If they don't like you past the 2nd or third date, you will be fine. Because again, your life existed long before you ever met this person and it will exist long after, if there is an after. So just, like, bringing yourself back to reality as much as possible. That won't necessarily make the feelings go away, all of that chemical rash and attachment, But you can be really self responsible in anchoring yourself and just reminding yourself, like, okay.
[00:07:15]:
Yes. I recognize that I'm doing that thing where I kind of go full speed into romanticising, attaching, all of that. And I could consciously choose to slow myself down to remind myself that it's okay. I don't actually know this person. My whole life doesn't depend on this relationship working out, on them liking me. My sense of self doesn't need to be tied to how this goes, All of those things. Another practical one that I'll say is, if you know that you are someone who attaches very quickly, and that being intimate tends to ramp things up and really amplify your attachment as it will for most people, maybe hold off on sleeping together until you know them better, until there's clear reciprocity, until you're confident in trusting that they are equally interested in you. It's really easy when you've attached to someone and there's an opportunity to be intimate on maybe, like, the second or the third date to think that that'll lock it in and that that's the opportunity and that that's your kind of window to really cement the bond and the connection.
[00:08:19]:
And of course, there's a lot of desire and attraction and all of that wrapped up in it. But just be mindful that in doing that, you are going to seriously dial up your attachment to them almost certainly. That is a biological thing that's gonna happen. And to be clear, I'm not suggesting any, like, rules around this. I'm not giving out, like, dating coach advice on, don't sleep with them before the whatever date. None of that. But just know yourself and be self responsible. So if you know that you are going to become obsessed with them if you sleep together, maybe don't sleep together until you are comfortable with being really attached to them.
[00:08:56]:
And that might come a little bit later. You might decide to hold off, and trust that the right person who's a good partner, who's a secure partner, isn't gonna kinda get bored and lose interest if you haven't slept together. You don't need to do that in order to kinda maintain their interest and attraction. Okay. The next question is kind of the flip side of the first question in some respects. And it's any advice on how to navigate early dating when things are moving very slowly? So for anxiously attached people, the slow moving stage is very hard. Right? Because you, as I said, want to skip through that part where it's uncertain, where you don't know what they're up to, where you don't know really what they're doing, where you haven't met their friends maybe or you just don't have visibility over their life. You don't have the right or entitlement to expect that they're gonna message you back right away because you're not their partner.
[00:09:54]:
They're seeing other people, all of these things. That is a very, very uncomfortable zone for anxiously attached people to hang out in because everything in your being says, like, connect, attach, and eliminate uncertainty. That's how I get to safety. So spending a lot of time in that early stage where you can't necessarily guarantee that, and probably you have this lurking awareness that they might still be dating other people and that you are not their number one priority, whether romantically or just in life. Right? Like, they're doing other things. They're not maybe thinking about you all day, every day. That's probably gonna be pretty triggering for your worthiness wounds, your wounds around not feeling prioritised, the parts of you that feel like you need to work really hard to earn someone's attention and affection and approval. Just recognising and being comfortable with the fact that it's not all about you, and the relationship isn't locked down yet, and there are no guarantees, and that, you know, rejection or loss of the connection is a very real possibility, all of that's gonna be hard.
[00:11:05]:
I think as always, just seeing that for what it is and recognising it is a very helpful starting point. So often, we feel things, we feel anxiety, we feel the stress, and we don't really give it much more thought. We just follow the feeling and we act accordingly. I think we can as we grow, we wanna develop this ability to notice the feeling and go, Isn't that interesting? Isn't that interesting? Look at me feeling this urge to lock it down or to leapfrog over this stage of uncertainty. That makes so much sense. Of course, I want that. Of course, this is uncomfortable for me. Of course, I'm struggling to be in this liminal in between space when I am really excited about someone.
[00:11:51]:
But all of these risks are here, all of these vulnerabilities here that I can't necessarily control for or or mitigate the risk of. That all makes so much sense. It makes sense. This is uncomfortable for me. And my work here is to linger in the discomfort, support myself through it rather than panic and try and make it go away, which I think is the default mode. So the more we can practice that comforting ourselves being with that learning to hold the discomfort and the anxiety without racing to try and eliminate it or fix it or solve it, that's a really huge growth edge for a lot of us. And practically speaking, that looks like just continuing to take care of yourself, to do the things that you would do in your life, to make plans with other people, with friends, to continue with all of your healthy routines, all of these things. Put boundaries around your communication with them or your phone use or whatever.
[00:12:49]:
We're gonna come to that in a minute when we talk about texting anxiety. But if you know that, like, you're checking your phone like a maniac every 3 seconds to see if they've messaged you, Put boundaries around that. That's that's your job to be self responsible there, rather than just being like, well, I can't help it because I'm anxious. Okay? Your anxiety is feedback, but it doesn't have to be in control of your life. And it's your job to really step into more of an internal leadership role and consciously choose how you wanna show up. And you will veer off course and that's okay. You just have to course correct and come back to centre and go, okay. What am I noticing? What am I feeling? What do I need? How can I support myself best in this moment? And how can I keep showing up as my best self, as my most secure self? What would the secure version of me do in this situation? All of those sorts of questions are a really good way to bring yourself back when you notice all of that anxiety creeping up in that early stage when things feel a bit uncertain and unsure.
[00:13:52]:
Okay, the next question is how do you stop being swayed by looks and chemistry and focus on actual values, alignment, and what you're truly looking for? So again, this is a big one, but I think what it ultimately comes down to is it's sort of a similar principle. You can feel things and you can't stop yourself from feeling things. You can't stop yourself from being super attracted to someone and feeling intense chemistry with them. You can will that away all you want, but you're gonna feel it. The growth is in not just impulsively acting on whatever you feel. And that's true for anxiety. It's true for chemistry. Right? So being really, really clear.
[00:14:29]:
And I always say to people, do this work before you've got someone in front of you that you're super excited about and you're already attaching to. Be very clear around what am I looking for? What are my values? What am I available for? What am I not available for? What are my nonnegotiables? What are my deal breakers? I frame nonnegotiables as positive things that we absolutely need. So you might say, it is nonnegotiable for me that I'm able to have difficult conversations with a partner without it devolving into a a fight or loss of contact or loss of connection or something like that. So it's something that you actively need. And a deal breaker is something that cannot be present if you are going to be in that relationship. So you might have it as a deal breaker that you don't wanna be in a relationship with someone who takes drugs or someone who doesn't wanna be monogamous. Right? Like, these things that are clear lines in the sand that you can just go unequivocally, that's not gonna work for me. And I don't need to argue with you about it.
[00:15:33]:
If that's something that you want and it's something that I don't, then that's the end of the road for us. I think so many anxiously attached people get themselves stuck in situations where they haven't been clear with themselves where their lines are, what they need, what their non negotiables and deal breakers are. And then they attach to someone, and they start trying to reverse engineer it and questioning their values, questioning their deal breakers, questioning themselves for, should I be comfortable with this thing that I'm not really comfortable with? Because the person that I'm dating is telling me that it's not that big of a deal, but it is a big deal to me. And so I end up arguing with myself and with them about it when I should have just been clearer with myself from the outset and backed myself on what I know to be true for me. So don't make that mistake because you'll save yourself a whole lot of drama, a whole lot of headache and heartache by just knowing yourself and validating what is true for you in terms of what your values are. And then it's over to you to be self responsible, to really build self trust by following through on what you say is important to you and not being blinded by these vanity things, like looks and chemistry and stuff that is not really a great litmus test for compatibility, necessarily. Again, it's not to say that you have to discount physical attraction. I think that that should be an element of of relationships.
[00:16:58]:
Right? I don't think you have to persist with someone where there is absolutely zero attraction and you just know deep down that you don't find them attractive. But I think that being solely guided by that or primarily guided by that in the face of glaring incompatibilities in other departments, that's where we really come unstuck. So it's not like chemistry is a bad thing. It just can't be the main criterion that you're using to make these decisions around the viability of a connection. Okay. And the last question that I'm gonna answer is, in early dating, I'm struggling around anxiety with texting. Please help. Okay.
[00:17:36]:
Texting anxiety is such a big thing. I recorded an episode for probably about 2 years ago now about texting anxiety, and it actually went a little bit viral. So obviously, there's there's a lot of appetite for this conversation. And I think we need to recognize that texting and everything else to do with our phones is designed to be addictive. Right? The notifications, the short messages, it's like being drip fed reassurance. For anxiously attached people, it's like, I feel connected to you every time I get a text and then I fall off the cliff into the void. And so it just takes you on these big waves of dopamine peaks and troughs. Right? And every time I hear from you, I'm gonna get this spike.
[00:18:19]:
And then I send a reply and then we're back in the void, right? We're back in the space. And I don't know whether I'm gonna get a message from you in 1 minute or 2 hours. And so I'm in this constant state of anticipatory anxiety until I next hear from you, right? That is an absolute hellscape for anxious attachment. Right? It is a recipe for disaster. Because, obviously, as I said, that's designed to be addictive for anyone, same way with our devices and the notifications and the little, you know, red alerts and everything like that. The sounds, all of it is designed to be addictive. When you are someone who fixates obsessively on needing to feel connected and reassured and struggles so much with feeling any fleeting sense of disconnection or uncertainty, having, you know, this constant schedule of intermittent reinforcement around connection is so, so challenging for you because it is going to be so, so addictive. It will consume all of your energy and attention.
[00:19:24]:
It is like playing the slot machine and doing so with a very, very powerful system being your attachment system. So recognising that the odds are stacked against you as far as texting goes and the anxiety that you are experiencing around texting someone in the early dating phase when you are so hyped up on all of those chemicals of attraction, you are going to be fighting against some powerful forces to not be super anxious about it. Okay? And particularly, if things start to shift, I've talked before about how anxiously attached people and the tendency towards hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to any temperature shifts in the communication. All of that means that if they've been texting you every 5 minutes and then all of a sudden there's a change or and they don't reply for 2 hours or they were using certain emojis and then they stopped using those emojis. Or, like, all of these little things that that the average person might not pay much attention to. For anxious attachment, you're, like, super aware and super on high alert to any potential shifts in the direction of less warmth, less enthusiasm, less responsiveness because that feels like the alarm. That feels like the signal of, oh, no. Something bad's happening.
[00:20:41]:
They're losing interest. What do I do? And you feel really powerless because what can you do other than keep texting them. And that doesn't really solve the problem because you texting them doesn't give you the solution. It's them texting you back, which gives you the reassurance, and you don't have control over that. Right? So it very quickly becomes this powerless one-sided dynamic. And in that space where you're waiting for a response from them, your brain is going to be likely interpreting that silence, that space as very catastrophic, as meaning something's wrong. Maybe they're with someone else. Why haven't they texted back? All of these things.
[00:21:18]:
Right? So all that to say, like, be responsible. This is the common thread through all of this advice is, like, you need to know yourself and you need to know your pattern and you need to know where the odds are stacked against you in the process and the realities of that process. And you need to help yourself out. So if that means for you messaging someone in the morning and then saying, I'm gonna put my phone on do not disturb today so that I can concentrate at work. Let's chat later. Right? By doing that, you're not in that anticipatory mode of waiting for their next response because you set the boundaries that then allow you to kind of breathe and feel a level of safety and containment. Like, I can go about my day, nothing's wrong. I don't have to read into the fact that I haven't heard from them because I've put the boundary in place.
[00:22:08]:
There's a reason I haven't heard from them and it's because I have established parameters around that that have provided that level of structure rather than it being this constant open ended conversation where every gap between text feels like this incredibly painful, prolonged pause, question mark, uncertainty zone that is just going to absolutely siphon all of your emotional energy, all of your ability to focus on other things that's gonna keep you tethered to your phone even more than you might already be. None of us need that and it's just not healthy. And it's going to really raise the stakes, right? Because again, this is probably someone you don't know terribly well, And the dopamine rush of all of that is going to hook you in in a way that is disproportionate to the connection and how well you know them, how serious the relationship is. All of a sudden, your body and your nervous system is going to be so invested in something that probably just isn't that big of a deal, that isn't as high stakes as it's going to feel if you allow yourself to ride that roller coaster of constant texting. So that is your job, to be direct in communicating, to be really brave in setting those boundaries and trusting that nothing bad is gonna happen in the 8 hours between the start of my work day and the end of the day when we might touch base again or or whatever. They're not gonna lose interest. As I always say, people actually really respect and are attracted to people who have healthy boundaries. You don't have to be in constant contact with someone in order for them to like you.
[00:23:42]:
They're not gonna forget that you exist if you have a few hours of space from each other. So just trust that you don't have to be constantly connected in order to secure a relationship to lock it down. Okay. I'm gonna stop there. I hope that that's been helpful for those of you who are navigating the dating phase, and particularly the early dating phase, I know it can be a minefield. I know it can be really challenging. But as I've said through all of those responses, it's really on you to know your patterns, to know where your weak points are, and to plan for it and to have that conscious orienting back to what are my values? What are my choices? How do I want to show up in this situation? And not just blindly following a feeling following an impulse, going down a path that you know, is maybe not aligned because my anxiety told me to, right? Our anxiety is powerful, but it doesn't have to be in the driver's seat. And part of growing is really, you know, recognising it and going, okay.
[00:24:38]:
Like, you're here and that's okay. That's to be expected. I don't have to read into the fact that I'm feeling anxious because I should expect to feel anxious in this early dating phase because of the way that it triggers my attachment patterns. And I can choose to maybe try something different to what I would do by default. And that's really where we get to grow and create new patterns. So hope that's been helpful. Next week is Christmas. So I will have another episode out probably late next week.
[00:25:06]:
So it might be a couple days later than usual. I won't be publishing an episode on Christmas day. Wishing you a very, very merry, peace full, restorative Christmas for those who will be celebrating and taking some downtime and sending so much love and thank you as always for the support. I will see you at some point between now and the new year. But until then, thanks so much for joining me.
[00:25:33]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, dating challenges, relationship triggers, early dating, pacing in dating, dating anxiety, texting anxiety, values driven dating, compatibility, attachment patterns, healthy relationships, insecure attachment, practical tools, enrolment, early bird pricing, Homecoming Mastermind, mentorship program, personal growth, relationship coaching, setting boundaries, self trust, emotional energy, dopamine rush, rejection fear, worthiness wounds, attachment tendencies, attachment system, emotional roller coaster, chemical cocktail, nonnegotiable, deal breakers
#169: Self-Sabotage: Why We Do It & How to Break Free
In today's episode, we’re diving deep into self-sabotage—those frustrating patterns where we seem to work against our own best interests. Whether it’s procrastination, pushing people away, or avoiding opportunities, self-sabotage can feel like an endless cycle.
In today's episode, we’re diving deep into self-sabotage—those frustrating patterns where we seem to work against our own best interests. Whether it’s procrastination, pushing people away, or avoiding opportunities, self-sabotage can feel like an endless cycle.
We cover:
What self-sabotage really is: Understanding how it’s often a misguided attempt to keep us safe.
Why we get stuck: Exploring the fears, limiting beliefs, and unmet needs that fuel sabotaging behaviour.
How to shift these patterns: Where to focus your attention to break the cycle and create new, supportive habits.
Understanding Self-Sabotage and How to Break Free
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is a pattern of behaviour where we consciously or unconsciously get in our own way, preventing ourselves from achieving the goals and desires that we hold dear. It's that frustrating cycle of setting a goal—whether it's related to relationships, work, or personal well-being—and then engaging in behaviours that thwart our progress. Understanding why we do this and how to break free from these patterns is crucial for moving towards the life and relationships we truly desire.
Why We Self-Sabotage
The primary reason behind self-sabotage is often rooted in a lack of safety. Despite consciously wanting something, parts of our subconscious or nervous system may not feel safe taking steps towards or having the very thing we desire. For instance, one might yearn for a healthy relationship but have deep-seated fears about intimacy or vulnerability. This internal conflict leads to behaviours that, on the surface, appear self-destructive but are actually attempts at self-protection.
The Role of Shame and Self-Blame
Experiencing these patterns repeatedly often brings about feelings of shame and a sense of brokenness. When self-sabotaging behaviours arise, it's easy to fall into the trap of shaming and blaming oneself: "Why am I like this?", "There must be something wrong with me." However, this mindset is incredibly destructive. Shame halts growth and creates a cycle where we berate ourselves without learning or understanding the deeper drivers of our actions. To truly break free, it is vital to approach ourselves with curiosity and compassion.
Reframing Self-Sabotage
Instead of seeing self-sabotage as a flaw, it can be more productive to view it as a signal that some part of us feels unsafe about achieving our goals. This reframe allows us to address the root cause more effectively. Ask yourself: What need is my self-sabotaging behaviour meeting? What am I protecting myself from? Often, feelings of unworthiness, fear of failure, or fear of rejection lie at the heart of these behaviours. By understanding this, we can start to provide ourselves with the reassurance and comfort needed to feel safe enough to pursue our goals.
Self-Sabotage in Relationships: An Attachment Styles Perspective
Self-sabotage can manifest differently depending on one's attachment style, particularly in the context of relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Those with anxious attachment often sabotage themselves through hyper-activating strategies. This might mean escalating attempts to gain reassurance from a partner, such as incessantly calling or texting. While these actions are driven by a deep desire for closeness, they can often push partners away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection and abandonment.
Avoidant Attachment: For individuals with avoidant attachment, self-sabotage tends to take the form of deactivating strategies. These might include distancing themselves from partners, hyper-focusing on perceived flaws to justify pulling away, or avoiding intimacy altogether. Such behaviours arise from a deep-seated discomfort with closeness and vulnerability.
Disorganised Attachment: Those with disorganised or fearful-avoidant attachment often experience the most internal conflict, as they simultaneously crave and fear intimacy. This can result in a push-pull dynamic—drawn to closeness one moment, repelled by it the next. Impulsivity and emotional outbursts can also be common, leading to ruptured relationships and a cycle of shame and self-blame.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from self-sabotage involves creating a sense of safety within ourselves. This requires identifying what makes us feel unsafe about achieving our goals and addressing those underlying fears. Here are some steps to start this process:
Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your self-sabotaging behaviours. What drives them? What are they protecting you from? Understanding the root cause is the first step towards change.
Compassionate Inquiry: Approach your behaviours with curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment. Recognise that these actions are attempts at self-protection, no matter how misguided they might appear.
Safety and Reassurance: Work on creating a sense of internal safety. This might involve self-soothing techniques, building self-trust, or seeking supportive relationships that reinforce your worth and capability.
Gradual Steps: Rather than making drastic changes, take gradual steps towards your goals. This can help ease the sense of overwhelm and build confidence over time.
A Path to Growth
Understanding and reframing self-sabotage provides a pathway to personal growth and fulfilling relationships. By recognising that these patterns are tied to deep-seated fears and a lack of safety, we can approach them with the compassion and curiosity needed to foster meaningful change. Remember, self-sabotage is not a sign of brokenness but a signal for what needs healing within us. Addressing these needs can unlock the potential to move towards the life we truly desire.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you identified any specific areas in your life where you consistently engage in self-sabotage? What might those patterns reveal about your underlying fears or insecurities?
Reflect on a time when you set a meaningful goal but struggled to take steps towards it. What subconscious beliefs or protective mechanisms do you think were at play?
How does self-sabotage manifest differently for you in the context of relationships versus other areas like work or health? Can you draw any connections between these patterns?
In moments of self-sabotage, what types of self-talk or internal dialogue do you notice? How do these conversations impact your sense of self-worth and motivation?
Considering Stephanie’s point about reactivity and emotional outbursts, can you recall an instance where an impulsive reaction led to regret? What might that situation teach you about your triggers and vulnerabilities?
When you think about your attachment style, how do you see it influencing your behaviours in relationships? Are there specific self-sabotaging actions you recognise as tied to your attachment tendencies?
What steps could you take to create a greater sense of internal safety to pursue the things you desire? Are there practices or strategies that might help reassure your protective parts?
Can you identify any recent examples where fear of failure, rejection, or vulnerability might have played a role in self-sabotage? How does acknowledging these fears shift your perspective on those actions?
Given Stephanie's experience with overcoming self-sabotage, how can you leverage support from others (friends, coaches, mentors) to break free from these patterns? What specific support would you find most beneficial?
Reflect on Stephanie's statement that “shame is not the fertile soil that we need to nurture our growth.” How can you approach self-sabotaging behaviours with more curiosity and compassion rather than blame? What difference might this make in your journey of personal growth?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about self sabotage. So what it is, why we do it, and most importantly, how we can shift those patterns so that we can move ourselves more towards the lives, the relationships that we truly desire. So self sabotage is one of those areas where I think most of us would be able to raise our hands and acknowledge that there have been times in our lives where we've said we want something, and we've really meant that. It might be our deepest desire to build a healthy relationship, to, you know, only go for people who we know are good for us, or maybe it's something totally separate from relationships.
[00:01:16]:
Maybe it's work related, or even health or fitness goals. We've all got something like that where we've really wanted something, and yet for some reason, we've really struggled to take the steps needed to move ourselves closer to that thing that we say we want. And I think that when we go through particularly repeated cycles of setting a goal or setting an intention or just knowing deep down that we really yearn for something, and then not only struggling to take steps towards it, but maybe engaging in behaviors that are directly in opposition to that thing, to then look at ourselves and say, why do I always do this? Why do I always self sabotage? And oftentimes that can come with a good dose of shame and a sense of brokenness. There must be something wrong with me. Why does this feel so hard? And of course, when we are responding to ourselves with that kind of mindset and attitude of frustration and shaming and blaming, it tends to stop there. We tend not to learn much from that. We tend not to be able to distill any meaningful lesson from that. We just collapse in that shame, and then we'll almost certainly find ourselves in that same pattern and cycle again.
[00:02:29]:
And so understanding self sabotage, and that's really what we're going to be talking about today, what is this really about, and why is it such a challenge for so many of us, particularly when it feels obvious the steps we need to take to achieve what we need to achieve, or to let go of certain dysfunctional or destructive behaviors? Why does it feel so very challenging? And understanding what the underlying drivers of those behaviors might be allows us to address the root cause of that self sabotage rather than just feeling like we are broken and resigning ourselves to a lifetime of, you know, unhealthy, dysfunctional, negative cycles in our self talk, in the choices that we make, in what we accept as our lot in life, in terms of what is available to us. So there is huge reward to be gained from understanding and ultimately breaking these cycles of self sabotage, and I want to really assure you that it is possible to do that. I used to be very, very accomplished at self sabotage in all sorts of areas. I used to regularly engage in behaviors that felt at odds with what I wanted, and that always led to a loss of self respect, damage to my self worth, my self esteem. It was a really tough cycle to be in because, of course, the more that you do that, and then the less self respect, self esteem, self worth, self trust you have, the more likely you are to do that in turn the next time. So I am sharing what I'm sharing today from a position of very much knowing what it's like if you are in that place of finding yourself stuck in these cycles, and it is a message of hope because it is absolutely possible to make those changes in the direction of the life that you want. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, and I will be sharing specifically in the context of attachment styles and dynamics, what you might experience or see from different attachment styles in terms of the likely expressions of self sabotage in a relational context based on attachment style, and that will hopefully steer you in the direction of knowing what you would need to address in order to shift those patterns as well. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:04:45]:
I am very excited to share that Healing Anxious Attachment is coming back this week in a few days' time. I've actually made a really big decision since the last episode I recorded, so in the past week, and that is that I am going to transition Healing Anxious Attachment to being an evergreen course, which is kind of online course lingo for you can enroll at any time rather than it being a set enrollment with cohorts, typically 3 times a year. So I'm going to have a rolling enrollment for that as of the end of this week when I open enrollment, which means you can join at any time. You will still have access to a community space for the 8 weeks that you are doing it, and you will then have lifetime access to the course materials once that 8 week period has expired. You'll also get invited to 2 live calls with me during the 8 week period that you're doing the course. So without boring you with all the details, I've tried to find a sweet spot whereby you can sign up anytime but still get the live components of being in a community with others who are also doing the course at the same time as you, and also getting interaction with and feedback from me as you work through the materials through that community and the live Q and A calls that you'll be invited to. So I am trialing this, to be honest, as a way to alleviate a bit of the burden of launching, because launching is a very energy intensive thing to do as a business owner, and it comes around really quickly. So I'm trying to free up a bit of bandwidth for myself in not having to go through the launch cycle every few months.
[00:06:17]:
But, as I said, also trying to make the course more available because invariably people discover my work, or the time feels right, and it's out of cycle with when the launch is happening, and so people have to wait a few months and all of those things. So hopefully it's solving all of those problems, and will be now available for you to join anytime. There is still an advantage of jumping on the waitlist this week though, because that will entitle you to early bird discount after this last launch. The price will return to its regular price, so you'll still save a $100 by being on the waitlist, and that is definitely worth doing. So jump on the waitlist if you're keen to join, and I look forward to seeing you there. 2nd quick announcement is my homecoming mastermind. I announced this a couple of weeks ago, but this is the most intimate and advanced way to work with me. It's a 6 month program.
[00:07:09]:
It's like a high level mentorship. It's the only way you get one to one access with me at the moment. So you'll have 1 on 1 voice message access to me for 6 months in addition to small group coaching calls, a really beautiful curriculum over the 6 months, so monthly themes around releasing the past, self worth, embodying ease, getting really clear around what you want to create in your life and relationships. So it's a really beautiful program. And if you have been interested in working directly with me and you're really looking to invest in your growth and development at a more advanced level than, you know, just doing a shorter online course, I would love to see you inside Homecoming. And last but not least, sorry, I said this was gonna be quick announcements, and it's proved to be a little longer than usual. There's just a lot going on at the moment, so thank you for your patience. The third announcement is just a reminder about my retreat in Byron Bay here in Australia, which is happening in May.
[00:08:06]:
We are still offering extended payment plans. It's going to be an absolutely incredible free days and nights. So if you want to really go deep and take advantage of the magic that happens, not only doing in person work, but intensive work in a beautiful environment, I would love to have you join us at the retreat. If you don't know of Byron Bay, it's absolutely incredible. It's kind of where all the celebrities hide out in Australia, and the property that we've booked is called Sun Ranch. I'll leave you to Google that or look up their Instagram. Suffice it to say, it is absolutely exquisite, beautiful property, incredible facilities. So if you're interested, I would absolutely love to have you there.
[00:08:51]:
Okay. With all of that out of the way, let's talk about self sabotage. So as I said in the introduction, I think most of us construe self sabotage as us getting in the way of ourselves. Right? Where we want something, there's something that is really important to us, that we value, that we desire, that we're yearning for, and we become our own worst enemy in the pursuit and the attainment of that thing. And so, we find ourselves really internally conflicted, and there's some part of us that is more powerful than maybe our conscious will or intention that seems to be blocking us from having what we want. And that can feel frustrating and defeating and confusing and demoralizing, and I think without the context for it, can lead a lot of people to just feel broken and feel maybe even pathetic, like, what is wrong with me? Why is this so hard? Why are other people able to go ahead and do those things and achieve and take steps towards and enjoy these aspects of life? And here I am, and I can't even take one step towards it. I can't follow through on the simplest of commitments to myself. Why is that so hard for me? And it really that kind of not only the behavior, but all of the self talk and the judgments that go along with it are incredibly destructive to our sense of self, our self respect, our self worth.
[00:10:19]:
As I said in the introduction, this is a pattern that I know very well. And so in understanding self sabotage, I suppose what I really want to emphasize at the outset is that when we are viewing it as that, as there's something wrong with me, and, you know, to put it bluntly, I always fuck things up for myself. I'm always getting in my own way. There's not much for us to do with that other than punish ourselves and beat ourselves up. And as I've said a 1000000 times before, as I will always say, nothing grows there. Shame is not the fertile soil that we need to nurture our growth and our evolution. So being able to reframe it as something that makes sense rather than something that doesn't make sense or is just wrong or frustrating or broken, is absolutely essential. And so here is the reframe on self sabotage that I really want to emphasize and for you to understand.
[00:11:11]:
Self sabotage happens when a part of us, or maybe many parts of us, multiple parts of us, do not feel safe taking steps towards or having the things that we say we want. Okay? So that might be getting healthy and taking our fitness seriously, or it might be intimacy with someone else. It might be taking a risk in our job. It might be starting a business. All of these things that on paper or in theory were like, yes, that, I want that. Maybe even something as simple as resting and having more pleasure and ease in our lives. Maybe you're someone who says you want that and you look at people who are relaxed and easy going and you go, Ugh, I want that. And yet, the second you have free time, you fill it with busy things and you can't actually sit still, or you end up just doing work the whole time and going back to your emails or whatever, right? So there are so many instances where the thing we say we want doesn't actually feel safe to some other part of us.
[00:12:19]:
Some part of our subconscious, our nervous system, our body does not feel safe having the thing that we say we want, And sometimes it'll be we don't feel safe having it, and other times it'll be we don't feel safe taking the steps towards it that we would need to take in order to have it. And once we see it through that lens, we start to be able to understand, okay, there are powerful protective forces at play here, and those parts of me these protective parts are really fiercely trying to keep me safe. And so the question then becomes, what is it about having this thing that feels unsafe to my system, and what would those parts need in order to feel safe enough to take those steps or to have that thing? What reassurance, what comfort, what sense of trust would I need to establish within myself and for myself in order for that to feel more comfortable? Okay? You see how when we approach ourselves from this lens of curiosity and the starting assumption that we do make sense rather than that there's something wrong with us and we don't make sense, that the next step reveals itself, and we can ask that follow-up question of, Okay, what would I need in order to feel safe to have this thing? What need is my so called sabotaging behaviour meeting? Is another really revealing question. So you might look at something that is less protective, so to speak, and more destructive. So for example, maybe you went out and got blind drunk and were out until 4 AM the morning before a really important job interview for a job that you really wanted, and then you bomb out in the interview, and then you shame and blame yourself for that. It might be hard for you to look at that and go, oh, there's a part of me that's protecting me from something. But I'm sure if we were to dig into it, maybe some part of you didn't feel worthy of having the job or thinks that you'll just mess it up anyway. And by doing that, then you have a reason that you didn't get it.
[00:14:14]:
Maybe it feels so vulnerable and there's a fear of rejection or a fear of failure. And so going out and doing that thing allows you to be less vulnerable because you've got less at stake. It's almost like, well, I was never going to get it anyway, so who cares? This thing of feigning indifference is another way that we can protect ourselves from the vulnerability or the fear of failure. You see that in relationships all the time, people who pretend not to care or really convince themselves that they don't care about relationships, they're not invested, and they don't allow themselves to be, because if they're not invested and they don't really care anyway about the outcome, then they can't get hurt. So there is always if we just peel back the layers, there's always some kernel of self protection involved in these behaviors that we deem self sabotaging or self destructive. And it's only when we can get to those that we can actually start to solve for whatever the core need is there, whatever the fear is, whatever the vulnerability is, that is so powerfully prompting our system to say, That thing does not feel safe. And so we're going to engage in whatever behaviors we need to. We will reach for whatever strategies we need to reach for to prevent that from happening.
[00:15:32]:
Now, as I said, I want to frame this a little in terms of each of the attachment styles. I know the examples I've just given are not specific to relationships, and that is intentional because I really want you to understand how far reaching this is. Because the more you can see those tentacles in different areas of your life, the more you can apply this broadly and hopefully allow yourself to bring a little more internal harmony into the system in a way that allows you to take steps towards those things that you really do want. So in terms of relationships, for anxiously attached people, I think self sabotage would usually take the form of hyper activating attachment behaviors. Meaning, when my attachment system is threatened, my sense of safety in relationships is threatened, what do I do? I ramp up. I dial up. I escalate all of my attempts at getting closeness, reassurance, and the safety that those things bring me. But oftentimes, and particularly when it takes the form of really dysregulated anxious behavior, calling someone 20 times in a row and firing off a bunch of text messages, All of these things can, frankly, scare someone away because they can be really intense and overbearing, and you can just feel like a torrent of anxious energy being fired at someone in a way that it's almost like you recoil by instinct.
[00:16:49]:
You want to step back from that kind of energy. And so oftentimes, this self sabotage of someone who is anxiously attached is in the form of all of those protest behaviors, all those activating strategies that are kind of grasping, clutching at someone, trying to get something from them, get closeness, get reassurance, get intimacy, get more, and end up pushing them away, scaring them off. I think that will be a familiar tale to many people, and maybe particularly in the early stages of relationship where we know anxiously attached people can really struggle, is navigating that dating stage where there is uncertainty, and there is kind of a lack of clarity at times. You don't have full access to this person's world, and so you might feel a bit shut out and kept at harm's length while you navigate those early stages before it's really official and clear. I think anxiously attached people really struggle there, and oftentimes their self sabotaging behaviors can kind of fire up there and become the self fulfilling prophecy of pushing someone away. We freak out that someone's pulling away, or they're not into us, and we engage in all of those behaviors that are just like a hamster wheel of anxious energy, and lo and behold, that person loses interest or is a bit put off by the intensity, and that proves the story right. There goes the shame response. There goes the this always happens, there must be something wrong with me, and that leads us to be more certain next time that the same thing's going to happen, which then triggers these same behaviors.
[00:18:22]:
Right? So that's usually the flavor of self sabotage that you're going to see and experience amongst people with anxious attachment. For more avoidant people, the self sabotage looks more like no surprises the deactivating strategies, and the pushing someone away, and even, like, getting the by someone and hyperfixating on perceived flaws or things that are unattractive about them, that then lead you to want to walk away from the relationship. And so if we're talking about in this framework of something about having the thing that you say you want doesn't feel safe, for the avoidant person, they may really want the relationship, but something about that doesn't feel safe, and so their sabotaging parts are going to come out guns blazing with all of the reasons why the relationship's not actually a good idea. Their partner, not a good fit. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe we should just take things slow. Like, all of these things, or anything up to just disappearing, ghosting, going AWOL, all of these are different expressions of that same pattern of something about the thing I say I want doesn't feel safe, and so I am going to create these blocks between me and that thing, or I'm going to veer off course altogether so that I don't have to experience the unsafety, the discomfort, the unfamiliarity of being in that uncharted territory that doesn't feel good to me, that I can't really trust in the safety of. For people with more disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment, I think you could probably say that self sabotage is maybe, in its traditional sense, most common amongst people with fearful avoidant attachment because they have the internal conflict of wanting diametrically opposed things.
[00:20:12]:
And so because of that, they feel so much internal push pull and they are constantly in conflict there. And they will want one thing, but then pull themselves in another direction in such an obvious way that I think most people with disorganized attachment would put their hands up and say that they were masterful at self sabotage and probably shame themselves a lot for it. So I think some common expressions of self sabotage for fearful avoidants, apart from the obvious being that push pull and hot cold, would be a lack of impulse control. So that's noted as being a feature, oftentimes, of fearful avoidant attachment, that they struggle with impulse control and can be quite impulsive. And obviously, being impulsive and lacking impulse control can often take the form of doing things that are not well thought out and that are maybe not in integrity or in alignment with your values or what you truly want. So just doing the thing that feels easy or, pleasurable or whatever in the moment that has really negative consequences for your life. So a lack of impulse control. And another key area that comes to mind for fearful avoidant attachment in terms of self sabotage might be big emotional outbursts, reactivity, big ruptures, and then maybe experiencing shame afterwards, and so not really going to repair that, just riding the relationship off, burning the bridge, and this can be, you know, friendships, colleagues, the whole bit.
[00:21:42]:
It's just, well, that's done now, and I don't want to go near it. And that can be another form of self sabotage as well. So the reason that I share all of this, and what I'm really hoping that you're starting to understand and hearing it, is that safety is at the heart of most everything. And to the extent that we are experiencing these internal conflicts between the thing that we want and the thing that we keep doing that is taking us further away from the thing we want, that's a really good clue. That is almost a sure sign that some part of you does not feel safe having the thing that you want, and your job is to figure out what it is there. What need is the sabotaging behavior, the destructive behavior meeting? What is it protecting me from? What am I afraid would happen if I were to step towards the thing I want? What risk is there that I may be protecting myself from? Is it a fear of failure or a fear of rejection, a fear of not being good enough? All of these really common ones that can feel so visceral. Right? And these are survival things, like the systems that govern our self sabotaging behaviors. It's really our nervous system fighting tooth and nail to keep us in familiar territory, keep us in what we know.
[00:22:59]:
Because even if what we know is not what we want, there is a certain safety in that, and our system is not really interested in self actualization. It is interested in survival. And so you will almost always experience a level of friction as you try to make changes, as you try to live a bigger life, a life that is more expansive, more vulnerable, which inevitably means more risky. Right? There is not very much risk involved in staying in the cozy confines of our comfort zone, but of course there's not as much reward there either. So it's really about reframing the way that we relate to that and understanding that that discomfort is not necessarily something we need to pull back from, but rather something that we need to address within ourselves and keep coming back to this question of what do I need in order to create enough safety for myself to be with the discomfort of this transition or this change? And that is really what allows us to unlock the possibility of making these bigger changes in our lives towards what feels really deeply aligned and rewarding and abundant. And as I said, having been through all of this and come out the other side, I can really safely say that it is indeed possible. So I hope that that's been helpful in reframing self sabotage for you and given you something to think about. As I said at the start, there are a few different ways that you can work with me coming up if that is something that you identify within yourself and you would like some support in unraveling and and overcoming.
[00:24:39]:
It can certainly be helpful to have someone to point out your blind spots as you do that work. Because of course, the old way has been in place for a very long time, and sometimes we need a little bit of hand holding and a little bit of a nudge as we move towards implementing the new way. So I'm going to leave it there because this is getting long, but as I said, I hope it's been helpful for you. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback. It really does help so much. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:25:13]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self sabotage, attachment styles, relationships, anxious attachment, avoidance attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, emotional outbursts, relationship coaching, intimacy, vulnerability, self worth, self respect, self esteem, nervous system, survival, fear of failure, fear of rejection, comfort zone, change, subconscious, protective behaviors, destructive behaviors, unhealthy cycles, self trust, attachment dynamics, dating, self improvement, personal growth, emotional safety, coping mechanisms, relationship advice