5 Signs You're Ready For a Relationship
How do you know if you're ready for a relationship? Perhaps you've asked yourself this question — and in today's episode, that's what we're exploring. While I don't believe we ever reach some objective place of being "healed enough" to enter a relationship, I do believe there are certain indicators we can look out for — signs that we're in a strong place mentally and emotionally, which will set us up for the best possible chance at finding and building a healthy partnership.
How do you know if you're ready for a relationship? Perhaps you've asked yourself this question — and in today's episode, that's what we're exploring. While I don't believe we ever reach some objective place of being "healed enough" to enter a relationship, I do believe there are certain indicators we can look out for — signs that we're in a strong place mentally and emotionally, which will set us up for the best possible chance at finding and building a healthy partnership.
Five Signs You're Ready for a New Relationship
Embarking on a new romantic journey can be both exciting and daunting, especially after a period of healing and self-reflection post-breakup. How do you truly know when you're ready to step back into the dating world? While there's no magic formula or universal timeline to indicate readiness, there are some signs that can suggest you're prepared for a new relationship. Here are five key indicators to gauge if you're in a good place to start a new chapter romantically.
1. You're No Longer Obsessing About Your Ex
One of the clearest signs that you might be ready for a new relationship is that thoughts of your ex no longer consume you. If you can think about your past relationship without an overwhelming surge of emotions like anger, sadness, or regret, it shows you've processed much of your emotional baggage. This process varies for everyone; for some, it might take months, while others may need years. The key is reaching a point where your ex no longer holds significant emotional power over you. It's about finding a neutral ground where memories of your past relationship don't trigger intense emotional turmoil.
2. You've Learned the Lessons of Your Previous Relationship
Every relationship, regardless of its outcome, offers valuable lessons. Understanding what went wrong in your past relationship, and recognising your role in it, is crucial for growth. This involves dedicating time to introspection and perhaps even therapy or courses designed to aid in personal reflection. Asking yourself questions like, "What can I learn from this breakup?" and "How did my actions contribute to the relationship's ending?" helps in gaining clarity and ensuring you don't repeat the same patterns. Being clear about what didn't work before paves the way for healthier dynamics in future relationships.
3. You Know What You're Looking For
It's vital to have a clear understanding of your values, non-negotiables, and deal-breakers before diving back into the dating pool. Often, people with anxious attachment styles tend to seek connection indiscriminately, prioritising the need for companionship over finding a truly compatible partner. Knowing what you want – and, just as importantly, what you don't want – in a partner provides a strong foundation. This clarity ensures that you don't settle or make compromises that will lead to dissatisfaction down the line. It empowers you to make intentional choices and aligns your dating efforts with a purpose, avoiding the pitfalls of settling for anyone who shows interest.
4. You Feel Comfortable Being Alone
While it's natural to prefer being in a relationship, approaching dating from a place of loneliness can lead to unhealthy dynamics. Feeling content and fulfilled with your own company is a sign of emotional maturity and readiness. This doesn't mean you have to fully embrace the idea of being single forever, but rather that you have cultivated a life that feels rich and satisfying on its own. Focusing on your hobbies, friendships, and personal growth can create a life of abundance, making you less likely to enter a relationship out of desperation or fear of being alone. When you enjoy your life as it is, any new relationship becomes an enhancement rather than a necessity.
5. You're Embodying Your Best Self
Entering a new relationship from a place of strength involves ensuring that you are embodying your best self. This means maintaining healthy habits, taking care of your physical and emotional well-being, and feeling good about the life you're leading. Reflect on the traits you admire in a potential partner and strive to cultivate those attributes within yourself. Self-discipline and a commitment to personal growth not only make you feel confident and authentic but also naturally attract partners who resonate with that positive energy. When you are at your best, you set a standard for the type of relationship you wish to cultivate, ensuring healthier and more fulfilling romantic connections.
Conclusion
Determining readiness for a new relationship is a nuanced process, but paying attention to these signs can provide valuable insights. Moving on from your ex, learning from past relationships, knowing what you want, feeling comfortable alone, and embodying your best self are all important factors that indicate emotional preparedness. By focusing on these aspects, you set the stage for healthier, more meaningful relationships that align with your true self.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Are you able to think about your ex-partner without experiencing strong emotional reactions? Reflect on what this might mean for your healing process.
How have your past relationships shaped your understanding of your own relationship patterns and behaviours? Can you identify specific lessons you've learned?
What are your non-negotiables and deal breakers in a relationship? Have you ever compromised on these in the past, and what were the outcomes?
Do you find yourself feeling desperate for connection when you're single? How might this impact the quality of people you attract and the relationships you build?
In what ways do you currently cultivate a fulfilling and joyful life on your own? Are there areas where you feel you could improve in terms of self-care and contentment?
What traits do you find most attractive in a partner, and how well do you embody these traits yourself? Reflect on what steps you could take to align more closely with these qualities.
Do you feel confident and comfortable being yourself, alone or in a relationship? What changes, if any, would you need to make to fully embody your best self?
How do you balance your needs for connection with maintaining healthy boundaries and self-respect in your dating life?
Have you taken time to intentionally reflect on your previous relationship experiences through practices like journaling or therapy? What insights have you gained?
When considering new relationships, do you prioritize how someone complements your life and values, or do you find yourself more focused on whether they show interest in you? How might shifting your focus influence your dating experiences?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to know if you are ready for a new relationship. So this is one that I'll often get asked when people have been through a breakup and they've taken some time, how do I know that I'm ready to date again? How do I know that I'm sufficiently healed? Which is not language that I would use, but it's often the way the question is phrased to me. What are the signs that you are ready to re enter the world of dating and potentially exploring new connections with someone? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that, things that you can look for. I mean, at the outset, I'll say, I don't think there's any hard and fast rule. I don't think there's some objective point of readiness that suddenly you'll wake up and go, today's the day I'm ready. Everything about my previous relationships is behind me, and I am undeniably unequivocally ready as of today.
[00:01:24]:
I think it's a little bit more nuanced than that, of course. But that being said, I do think that there are some things that we can look at and look for in terms of the work that we've done and passage of time, how we're feeling within ourselves, that can point to whether it would be something that we could explore. And you may find that you feel ready, and then you take that step, and you start exploring new connections, and then you actually decide, no, I maybe want to take some more time for myself, and that's fine too. None of this stuff is set in stone, and you are allowed to experiment and explore through trial and error. So all of that being said, I will be sharing 5 signs that you are ready for a new relationship. So hopefully that will give you a bit of a yardstick or or something to to measure your progress against, if we want to put it in those terms. Okay. Before we dive into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:02:18]:
As you would have heard me share in the past couple of weeks, I am running a retreat in Australia, in Byron Bay, in May next year. We still have a few early bird spots available, but they are going quickly. So if you're interested in joining us, please do head to my website and submit a short application. It's not anything too rigorous. It's just to make sure that it's a good fit. I would love to see you there if you are interested in doing some really deep transformative work on all of this stuff, building self worth, really stepping into the next version of yourself with intentionality and clarity, and doing so in a beautiful setting with like minded people and myself, I would love to see you there. Likewise, I am running a workshop in Sydney, a weekend intensive at the end of November. So you can sort of think about it as my secure self challenge condensed into 2 days.
[00:03:13]:
So if you are in or near Sydney and you'd like to do 2 full days of coaching with me in a small group, I would love to see you there. You can also jump onto that on my website, and there's no need to apply or anything. You can just sign up there and then. Okay. And last but not least sorry, there's a few announcements today last but not least, I have a new breakup quiz on my website. It's actually not very new. It's been around for a few weeks now, but I keep forgetting to talk about it on the podcast. Look, quizzes are a little bit silly.
[00:03:41]:
I'll be the first to admit that. But what they allow me to do is understand a bit more about where you're at, and this breakup quiz is which breakup stage are you in. So I've got, different guides, breakup guides based on what breakup stage you're in that can offer you a bit more insight and direct you to further free resources based on that. So if you're interested in taking my new breakup quiz, you can also do that via my website. Okay. Announcement's over. Let's talk about 5 signs that you're ready for a new relationship. Okay.
[00:04:10]:
So the first one, hopefully obvious, you're no longer obsessing about your ex. You're not really in the depths of all of the emotional residue, the grief, the sting of thinking about them, the heartache, all of those things that, by the way, are very, very normal after a breakup. We probably want to have processed a lot of that and allowed for the passage of some time before we start exploring new connections with other people. I don't want to put any sort of arbitrary time limit on that because I think there can be so much variation. Some people do a lot of their grieving while still in the relationship, and you sort of know the end is coming, and so you start emotionally detaching before actually pulling the trigger or before the relationship ends. Whereas other people might be really blindsided by the end of their relationship and take much longer to process that it's actually over. So it's really not about a strict passage of time so much as, how do you feel when you think about your ex? When you think about the relationship, does that still bring up a really strong emotional response in your body? Do you feel sick thinking about them? All of those things might be signs that you haven't adequately processed that or not enough time has passed. So a good sign that you might be ready for a new relationship is you can think about your ex and feel relatively neutral.
[00:05:33]:
You don't have to feel absolutely nothing. You don't have to love the idea of them dating someone new, for example. I think it's normal to feel maybe a little bit of discomfort around that. But broadly speaking, it's not going to send you into a tailspin. You don't freak out panic. You're not obsessing about what they're up to, or how they're feeling, what they're thinking, are they missing me? All of that sort of stuff has kind of fallen away, and you're able to look at what happened with a level of detachment, and you're not really feeling that very strong emotional tether to your ex. Okay. The second sign, and sort of flows on from the first, is you feel like you've learned the lessons of your previous relationship.
[00:06:13]:
So do you have clarity around what led to the breakdown of that relationship and what your role was in it? I think it's really easy to just skim over that and go, oh, it just didn't work out, or, oh, that was such a dysfunctional relationship, or it was all their fault because they were avoidant or something like that. But that invariably misses the whole and really skips over an opportunity for us to learn a lot about ourselves and, you know, our part in in how that story unfolded because we do play a role, even if we would like to think that, you know, if only they had done things differently, if only they had changed, then everything would have been fine. If only they had met my needs, then we would have been happy together. I don't think that that's ever true, and we generally have more of a hand in things than we like to admit. So I think a really big piece in the moving on process and the becoming ready for something new is learning the lessons of our previous relationship. So that might look like doing that with a therapist. It might just be journaling. It might be some other sort of reflective practice.
[00:07:22]:
It might be a course. I have a breakup course that takes you through all of these things. But it's got to be some sort of intentional reflection where we're going, what did happen there, and how did I contribute to it? What led to things being unsatisfactory or not feeling good? Where was I out of alignment? Where was the relationship maybe out of alignment with my values or my needs? Where did I not speak up? Where did I not advocate for myself? Where did I let things go on too long when I wasn't really comfortable with them? All of those things are really good information. And again, I think if we just sort of look at it at a very bird's eye kind of view and go, oh, yeah. It was bad. That relationship didn't work. We're missing so much of the richness in so many of the lessons that actually lie in the detail of of what happened and, you know, how it all unfolded. So make sure that you've dedicated some time to really reflecting, kind of deliberately and with a view to learning the lessons on that relationship and its ending.
[00:08:22]:
Okay. The next sign that you are maybe ready to explore a new relationship is you know what you're looking for. My goodness. I cannot emphasize this enough. You're clear in your values and your non negotiables and your deal breakers. Have clear standards for yourself and know what they are. Okay? I can't tell you how common it is, particularly among folks with anxious attachment, which is the bulk of who I work with. People just going into dating with the sole objective, whether they realize it or not, the sole objective of, like, I am seeking connection, and I want that connection with anyone who wants me or shows interest in me.
[00:09:02]:
Full stop. End of criteria. That is not enough, and it is gonna lead you astray every time. So know what you're looking for. Realize that, like, the dating process is as much about you assessing the other person for compatibility, for values alignment, as it is about making them like you. It's not just about making anyone and everyone like you. That is our insecure, unworthy people place a part driving the bus, and that's not a good energy or place to be approaching new relationships from because it's going to lead us to to build something on shaky foundations. So instead, really get clear and do this before you meet someone.
[00:09:40]:
Do this before there's someone in front of you that you're really excited about and you start making excuses and throwing all of this stuff by the wayside because of the connection and the chemistry. Have clarity for yourself. Again, do this, like, as a reflective practice in between relationships. What am I looking for? What are my values? How do I want my relationships to feel? Right? What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? What are my limits? Things that are absolutely not okay for me. Things I am available for and not available for. When you can do that in a more objective sense, when you're feeling really grounded and confident in yourself, then when you go into a relationship or you're exploring a connection, if these things pop up, things that do cross those lines for you, you're much better placed to know that because you've already got those parameters set for yourself rather than, like, oh, I'm really excited about this person, but, you know, they said that we were gonna meet up, and it's 4 PM on the day that we're meant to meet up, and now I haven't heard from them. I wonder if something's wrong. Start making excuses.
[00:10:45]:
Start doing mental acrobatics to try and justify it because you're excited about them and you've got those butterflies and blah blah blah. No. Be very clear for yourself. What am I available for? What kinds of connection? How do I wanna feel? If I'm feeling unsure and uncertain and anxious and doubting whether they're interested in me, all of those things, that can very quickly, when you have the clarity, go, oh, yeah. This isn't what I'm looking for. I'm actually not available for connections of this nature. Thank you. Next.
[00:11:12]:
Right? So do that work in advance, and then you're gonna be much better placed to confidently say no to the things that are not in alignment, and that is gonna free up a lot of time and energy for you. It will preserve your sanity, and it will prevent you from going back into old cycles that are obviously not in service of of what you're truly looking for. Okay. Got a bit passionate about that one. That turned into a bit of a soapbox. Anyway, the next one is that you feel broadly comfortable being alone. Now, I'm not going to say that you have to totally love being single and alone, and you're fine to never be in a relationship again. I think it is totally fine to have a preference for being in a relationship.
[00:11:50]:
I certainly do. But if you are wanting to date again because you are desperately lonely, and you feel like there's a gaping hole in your life, and every day you're comparing yourself to people in a relationship and feeling terribly sorry for yourself, all of that, not a great place to be dating from. So try and build a life in this interim period, this period of transition. Try and build a life that feels good to you, that feels full and rewarding and joyful and nourishing. Really focus on yourself and go all in on very deliberately cultivating that. Because I think, yes, it's beautiful to be in a relationship, but there are trade offs there, and and being single for a period gives you this gift of, like, total selfishness in the best way. So when you don't have to think about someone else all the time and accommodate that and make compromises, you get to really design a life that feels wonderfully well fitted, well suited to you and you only. So make the most of that.
[00:12:57]:
Really go all in on that, and I think that will allow you to then feel really good about your life as it is, and welcome someone into that when the time comes from a place of abundance rather than scarcity, from a place of, like, my life's really great. How could I enhance it by a connection that feels aligned? Rather than, my life feels drab and lonely and sad. I need a relationship to act as some sort of balm or crutch to make me feel better. Again, we can see where that would lead us, and it tends not to be into very balanced or healthy dynamics. Okay. And the last but not least sign that you might be ready for a new relationship is you feel like you're embodying your best self. Now, this will mean different things to different people, but, you know, are you being healthy? Have you got good habits at the moment? Are you showing up to your life in a way that feels like you're really putting your best foot forward? Whatever habits are healthy habits for you, are they all well in place? Do you have self discipline? All of the traits that you would find attractive in a partner is maybe a good way of thinking about it. Are you embodying those things? Are you taking great care of yourself? Are you feeling good in your skin? All of this stuff is going to allow you to go to a new relationship or dating, exploring those connections from a place of kind of easeful, natural self confidence and authenticity.
[00:14:24]:
Again, if you're in a really wobbly patch with your self esteem and your self worth, I don't think that that's the best place to be approaching dating from. And I think there's a lot of value in taking some time to really go all in on yourself and go, okay, what would I need to do? What changes might I need to make in order to improve how I'm feeling about myself? And again, that will look different for different people. You will know what that means in the context of you and your life. But, you know, if you're in a bit of a funk, if you're really enacting old bad habits, if you're not taking great care of yourself, that's probably not going to attract the kind of partner that you really want, and it's it's not a great energy to be approaching a new relationship from. Because I think if we start with bad habits and we start with a a less than ideal energy within ourselves, then it's much more likely that we're going to be dragged down into something heavier by a new relationship rather than, as I said, like, finding someone that matches that really healthy, positive energy that we're embodying and then enhancing that and multiplying that through the relationship. So what would it take for you to be embodying the best version of yourself or a really positive, healthy expression of you before you go into this dating world? Figure out what that looks like, and then start putting those habits in place, putting those structures in place so that you can be accountable to that vision for yourself, because that is going to be the thing that allows you to attract the kind of partner that you really want and the kind of relationship that you really want. So figure out what does my best self do, how do they behave, what do they avoid, and start embodying that as much as you possibly can. Okay.
[00:16:16]:
I hope that that was helpful, those five signs that you might be ready for a new relationship. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave feedback. I read every response, so I'm always very touched by your kind words and support. So thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:16:37]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, On Attachment podcast, breakups, new relationship readiness, dating again, emotional healing, attachment styles, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, signs of readiness, emotional detachment, reflective practices, relationship lessons, anxious attachment, setting boundaries, self-worth, dating standards, intentional reflection, values clarity, self-care habits, post-breakup recovery, relationship workshop, Byron Bay retreat, Sydney intensive, self-discipline, embodying best self, breakup quiz, emotional processing
How to Stop Obsessing About Someone
In this episode, we’re tackling the challenging topic of obsessive thinking about someone and how to break free from that mental loop that causes suffering.
We’ll explore different approaches, including Byron Katie’s The Work as a top-down method for challenging your thoughts, somatic tools to discharge anxiety from the body as a bottom-up approach, as well as the broader work of addressing the insecurities and wounds that often fuel obsessive thinking.
In this episode, we’re tackling the challenging topic of obsessive thinking about someone and how to break free from that mental loop that causes suffering.
We’ll explore different approaches, including Byron Katie’s The Work as a top-down method for challenging your thoughts, somatic tools to discharge anxiety from the body as a bottom-up approach, as well as the broader work of addressing the insecurities and wounds that often fuel obsessive thinking.
By addressing your thoughts, calming your body, and working through your deeper emotional wounds, you can find peace and clarity in your relationships.
How to Stop Obsessing About Someone: Breaking the Cycle of Rumination
Obsessing over someone, whether due to romantic interest, rejection, or any other interaction, can be draining and counterproductive. For those with anxious attachment styles or heightened anxiety levels, these obsessive thoughts can feel overwhelming and inescapable. However, learning to manage and diffuse this cycle of rumination can significantly improve emotional well-being and mental clarity.
Recognising the Cycle of Obsession
Understanding the nature of obsessive thinking is the first step towards breaking free from it. Often, these thoughts stem from feelings of anxiety or insecurity, leading us to fixate on people or situations in an attempt to process or resolve those emotions. Whether it’s a minor social interaction or a significant relationship dynamic, these thoughts pull our energy and focus, often exacerbating feelings of stress and anxiety.
Questioning the Validity of Your Thoughts
One effective technique to combat obsessive thinking is drawn from Byron Katie's "The Work," which involves four crucial questions:
Is it true?
Can you be absolutely certain that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
By applying these questions to your obsessive thoughts, you can create a mental and emotional distance. Questioning the veracity of your thoughts helps dismantle the power they hold over you, allowing you to see them as transient and not necessarily reflective of reality.
Shifting from Victim to Empowered Observer
Obsessive thoughts can often make us feel like helpless victims of our own minds. Shifting perspective from a powerless participant to an empowered observer of your thoughts can be incredibly liberating. Visualising thoughts as clouds passing by can help to reduce their intensity, and rather than engaging deeply with them, learning to witness them impassively can break the cycle of obsession.
Addressing Underlying Anxiety
Obsessive thoughts are frequently a manifestation of underlying anxiety, which is a bodily experience more than a purely cognitive one. Recognising this connection can be a game-changer. Anxiety often places us in a heightened state of fight or flight, leading to a faster-paced, more intense thought process.
Physical activities like brisk walks, runs, or even simply shaking out your limbs can help discharge this anxious energy from your body. By addressing the physical root of anxiety, you can reduce the mental swirl of obsessive thoughts.
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Healing
At the heart of many obsessive thoughts lies a wound—whether it’s a sense of unworthiness, fear of rejection, or some deep-seated insecurity. Healing these wounds involves a longer, ongoing process of cultivating self-compassion and working towards greater emotional security.
When you feel secure in yourself and possess a robust sense of self-worth, the need to obsessively analyse others' behaviours diminishes. This doesn’t happen overnight but is a gradual shift resulting from consistent inner work and self-reflection.
Integrating Tools and Practices
Combining both cognitive and somatic approaches can offer a holistic way to manage obsessive thinking. Using the questioning technique from Byron Katie along with physical activities to manage anxiety creates a well-rounded strategy. Ensuring that you have these tools readily available provides quick access to self-regulation whenever obsessive thoughts start creeping in.
The Role of Greater Emotional Security
Over time, developing emotional security naturally reduces the tendency to obsess. When we are clear in who we are and compassionate towards ourselves and others, the stories of victim and villain lose their appeal. We begin to see situations with more nuance and less black-and-white thinking.
Emotional security fosters a balanced approach to relationships and interactions. Confidence in oneself makes the ‘need’ to obsess over others less pressing, freeing up mental and emotional space for healthier engagement.
Conclusion
Breaking free from obsessive thinking is a multi-faceted process, involving both cognitive reframing and addressing underlying anxiety. By questioning the validity of your thoughts, tending to your body's signals of stress, and working towards greater emotional security, you can significantly reduce the grip of obsession and rumination on your life. In time, this holistic approach can lead to a more balanced, peaceful, and empowered state of being.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself feeling imprisoned by your own thoughts? Reflect on the ways in which this impacts your daily life and overall well-being.
How do you react when you start to believe thoughts that cause you suffering? Consider how you typically respond emotionally and behaviourally to these thoughts.
Have you tried the 4 questions by Byron Katie from this episode? What insights did you gain from exploring whether your thoughts are true and how you'd feel without them?
When you notice yourself obsessing about a person or situation, what physical sensations do you experience in your body? How might this relate to your anxiety levels?
What are your current go-to strategies for self-soothing when you are feeling anxious? Reflect on which methods have been most effective for you and why.
How does the idea of being the observer of your thoughts, rather than experiencing them as absolute truth, resonate with you? How might this perspective shift affect your relationship with your thoughts?
Reflect on a recent experience where you felt rejected or hurt. How did your pre-existing insecurities play a role in magnifying this feeling?
How might moving your body in times of stress or anxiety help to alleviate obsessive thinking? Consider the types of physical activities you enjoy and how you can incorporate them into your routine.
In what ways do you find yourself making victim stories about situations or people in your life? What do you notice about the patterns these stories follow?
How does compassion for yourself and others influence your tendency to ruminate? Reflect on the role self-compassion plays in interrupting negative thought cycles.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:00]:
In today's episode, we're talking about how to stop the endless cycles of obsessing and ruminating about someone or something. So if you're someone with anxious attachment or any sort of level of anxiety, which I think will capture a significant chunk of my listeners, I think this is gonna be a really helpful episode. I'm gonna be sharing a few reframes and techniques, things that I use regularly that allow me to feel free from the thoughts that's been around in my head. And I think that the more we can release ourselves from this attachment to our thoughts as truth, the more peace we have in our lives, the more control we have over our emotions, and the way that we respond and react to things in our lives, is an incredibly valuable thing to practice and hone our capacity for observing our thoughts, being the witness of our thoughts rather than experiencing them as true and all encompassing. So often I hear from people who more or less feel like their thoughts are in control and they are at the mercy of them. This sense of I can't, I can't do anything about it.
[00:01:15]:
I can't help it feeling like a really helpless victim of their own thoughts, almost like they're imprisoned by their thoughts. And I think that's a very common experience and one that can really create a lot of suffering in our lives. And so today's episode, I'm gonna be sharing a few different ways that you can interrupt those cycles and really step into a more empowered place, one of agency, where you are the observer of your thoughts and you don't have to pay so much attention to them. And it doesn't feel like your thoughts are running the show, which I think is very liberating to reach a place where you can watch your thoughts float by like a cloud in the sky rather than feeling like it's this big, heavy, true thing that you have to obsess on. And particularly, I think when you're obsessing about someone else, again, that can feel quite crazy making, I think. And whether it's someone who you're interested in romantically or someone who rejected you, we can so easily make ourselves the victim. And I think it's very juicy and seductive to make ourselves the victim of a situation. And the stories that spring from that are incredibly tempting and can really draw us in, but inevitably keep us stuck in a mode that is not really conducive to our well-being.
[00:02:39]:
So I'm gonna be talking about that today. Now before I do, I just wanted to share, you may have heard me say last week or seen on Instagram that I am holding a retreat here in Australia, in beautiful Byron Bay, in May 2025, so May next year. We've secured the most incredible venue, we went and visited this place last month, and it is just amazing. It's gonna be 3 days, 3 nights, packed with workshops, lots of connection, like minded people in really the most beautiful setting. So if that appeals to you, early bird registration is now open. You can apply by heading directly to my website, or there will also be a link in the show notes. There are a limited number of early bird spots, a number of which have already been taken, so definitely don't delay if you are wanting to join us. I would apply sooner rather than later.
[00:03:30]:
Second announcement, in a similar vein, very excited to share that I'm also holding a 2 day weekend workshop in Sydney at the end of November, so 30th November, 1st December, so that's just a daytime thing on a Saturday and a Sunday. Again, I'll pop all the details in the show notes. If you'd like to come along for a weekend workshop with me, I would love to see you there as well. For any Sydneysiders or folks who want to come to Sydney, check that out as well. Okay, so let's talk about how to stop obsessing about someone or something. Now, I think it's important to say at the outset that when we are obsessing about someone or something and this is so broad in its application because as I said in the introduction, it could be a person who rejected us, it could be an interaction at the coffee shop and we start obsessing over whether we said something weird and the other person thought we were a freak. It could be the person who cuts us off in traffic. It could be something really big in our relationship.
[00:04:27]:
It could be a family dynamic. It could be something about work. There's just so many different arenas in our life from the very minor to the very major where our thoughts can run wild and tell stories and lead us to swirl around in obsession and rumination in a way that's really unhealthy and draining and counterproductive. And it really does pull our emotion and our energy in the direction of all of those things, anxiety and stress and shame sometimes worry these emotions that take up a lot of space within us and prevent us from feeling well and being able to show up as our most confident authentic selves because we're so knee deep in all of that thinking. I recently saw a quote which I forget who it was from, but it was to the effect of, most every spiritual tradition could be boiled down to the practice of letting go. And I think that that's very true and maybe in our modern Western world, we pay so much attention to our thoughts and we can be very individually focused and it all feels very big and important. Whereas a lot of spiritual traditions, Eastern traditions have recognized the mind as being very unreliable and our thoughts as being just like mindless, endless chatter that will often, if we believe those thoughts, leave us feeling worse off. So I just wanted to sort of frame the conversation there.
[00:06:05]:
And what I wanted to offer you as a first tool is not actually from me, but from Byron Katie, if if you've been in one of my programs in the past couple of months, you might've heard me speak about this. I've been really revisiting Byron Katie's work since re encountering it in another book that I was reading. But she has these 4 questions that she puts to people when they notice that their thoughts are causing them suffering. So again, this is very broad in its application, but, you know, an example might be, my partner is so selfish and he doesn't care about me. Right? I do everything. My partner doesn't pull his weight. He just doesn't care about me at all. If he cared about me, you know, he would do x y zed thing.
[00:06:52]:
So that kind of story that we tell ourselves that again is so seductive and we can really, if we allow it to just run amok inside us, it is so powerful and so persuasive and inevitably alters our emotional state in a negative way. So her 4 questions are, the first one is, is it true? Just simply yes, no, is it true? So this question of my partner doesn't care about me, is it true? Now you might say, yes, it's true. Okay. The second question is, can you be absolutely certain that it's true? And usually even if you've been confident at question 1, that it's true, you might start to falter a little on question 2, because absolute certainty, particularly when it's about someone else's emotional state or something. So often our stories are, no one cares about me or I'm not good enough or no one's ever gonna love me or people can't be trusted. These big sweeping generalizations and judgments that we make. And when we ask this follow-up question of, can you be absolutely certain that it's true? That's a very high threshold. And we start to realize, okay, maybe maybe I can't quite assert total absolute certainty about the truth of this thought.
[00:08:03]:
So going back to the example of my partner doesn't care about me, you might say, okay, I can't be absolutely certain that it's true. Then the third question is how do you react when you believe the thought? So what does it do to me to believe this thought? Who do I become? What does it do to my body? What does it do to my emotional state? So, again, when I believe that my partner doesn't care about me, how do I react when I believe that? Maybe I get really angry and hurt and rejected, and I start protesting or feeling sorry for myself, or becoming resentful and indignant and all of these things really righteous. That's what it does to me to believe this thing. How do I react when I believe that? Maybe I lash out at them, maybe I get really passive aggressive. All of these things that flow from me believing this thought, this judgment that my partner doesn't care about me. And the 4th question, which is so beautiful, is who would I be without the thought? Right? Who would I be without the thought that my partner doesn't care about me? If I were to just sort of take that off, pluck that out from my mind and put it to the side, who would I be? What would be possible for me if I were to let go of that thought and not be carrying it around? And almost invariably for me at least, when I ask those 3rd and 4th questions, the lightness that I feel in my being is almost instantaneous, I feel the shift. How do I react when I believe the thought and who would I be without it? Is a really, really powerful circuit break for me at least. So these four questions from Byron Katie's The Work to me are a really very powerful way to shift out of obsessing and ruminating.
[00:09:43]:
Because that obsession of rumination, it needs a circuit break. It needs something to interrupt it because otherwise it's like a whirlpool that just sucks you deeper and deeper. Because the thought affects how we feel in the body and how we feel in the body reinforces the thought and so on and so forth, and we just keep spiraling. So having these questions that you can reach for and being really familiar with them and just going, wait, I need to check myself here. I need to interrupt this pattern and run myself through this. It just frees up so much space and so much possibility in a way that for me at least is very, very liberating. So that's the first thing that I want to offer you insofar as stopping this cycle of obsession and rumination. The next key piece is recognizing that oftentimes obsession and rumination being stuck in your head overthinking is a function of anxiety and anxiety is a body experience.
[00:10:41]:
Right? So as much as all of those obsessive thoughts appear to arise as our thinking mind, and so we try and solve them from that place. And granted, running through those 4 questions is a top down approach that is using more cognitive entry point to shift our thoughts. Another way to look at it, and you can use these alongside each other, is a more bottom up approach, which is going, oh, if I'm having all of these obsessive thoughts, I am probably in a stress state in my body. I'm probably in my sympathetic nervous system, which is where we are when we're in our fight or flight mode, or we're very mobilized and everything speeds up. And I think that will be a very familiar state for most people with more anxious attachment patterns or fearful avoidant as well. So spending a lot of time in that mode that feels very intense and fast paced. And from that, you can start to go, okay, it is less about the content of the thoughts and more about the fact that I'm in the mode of obsessive thinking that tells me what I need to know, which is I need to do something with my body. Right? So rather than engaging with the content of the thoughts, which is more the approach we took in the first one with Byron Katie's questions, we can just go, look at me.
[00:11:57]:
I'm in this obsessive mode. I've been scrolling my phone thinking about this person or that interaction or this thing that's gonna happen in the future for the last half an hour. I'm clearly feeling anxious. What do I need to offer to my body to shift some of that anxious energy to move and mobilize some of that anxious energy so that I can discharge it? And oftentimes a byproduct of that is that our obsessive thoughts melt away. So if you've ever heard me talk about, you know, in my anxious attachment course, we do a whole module on nervous system regulation and tools and self soothing. And there's a great quote from a woman called Deb Dana, which is that your state creates your story, meaning the state of your nervous system is determinative of the content of your thoughts, the way you perceive the world. And so when you are in a state of anxiety, a felt experience of stress in the body, it bleeds into your thoughts, and really taints your perception of the world around you and your relationships and yourself. So state creates story and then the story reinforces the state.
[00:13:07]:
As I said, we can really spiral there. So rather than trying to change the story first, we can try and change our state and trust that our story will then reflect if we can bring our body into more of a state of regulation. So doing things like moving your body, I think for anxiety in particular, when you've got a lot of energy moving through you, it can be futile to just try and calm down, to try and regulate by doing something like meditation. If your brain is going at a 1000000 miles an hour, sometimes that's just not the right medicine. It might just not be what you need. So really good things for anxiety, moving your body in one form or another. So it might be going for a brisk walk. It might be going for a run.
[00:13:51]:
It might just be like getting up and doing jumping jacks or shaking or something, shaking your arms and legs, going to the gym, lifting weights. Like, any movement that takes you out of your head and puts you into your body allows that energy that is currently being expended on obsessive thinking to be channeled into something that actually allows that energy to move and discharge rather than just swirl around. So that sort of more somatic approach, that bottom up approach is another really powerful way to stop that obsessing about someone. Okay. And the last thing that I'll say about this, how to stop obsessing about someone, and this is not a quick fix to be fair. It's a broader you know, piece of work that you'll do over, you know, weeks, months, years potentially. But recognizing that when we're obsessing about someone or something, it's almost always a product of some wounded part of us, some insecurity. And when we obsess about someone who rejected us, it's because we probably were already obsessing about some story of unworthiness or not good enoughness or some way in which we perceive ourselves to be defective.
[00:15:00]:
And so we just take someone else's behavior as an opportunity for us to keep reinforcing those painful stories. And so what you'll notice as you sort of do this work over a longer period of time to becoming more secure is that you will naturally be less prone to obsessing about things, about people, about situations. Because I think that that strategy, that pattern is a product of the insecure mind and body because it tends to spring from fear and stress and low self worth. And so I think when we become clearer in who we are, we have more self compassion, we have more compassion for others. That whole story of villain and victim, which I think is at the heart of a lot of rumination, it just becomes less seductive to us. It becomes less appealing. We start to see the world in more shades of gray, and we understand that everything is nuanced. And I think that over time, that tendency to just fixate on whatever it might be, that just becomes sort of diluted until it's no longer something that we find ourselves stuck in.
[00:16:13]:
And we have so many other tools and resources, and such a greater capacity to be with discomfort, that we don't tend to go down those mental rabbit holes anywhere near as often or to the same degree as we once did because of all of that other work. Like sort of just a, welcome byproduct, of doing that work to become more secure. So I hope that that has been helpful for you. As I said, these are all things that I have been practicing for some time and continue to lean on whenever I feel I need them, whenever I notice that part of me getting a bit noisy or chattery or trying to drag me into feeling like a victim and getting righteous and blaming everyone around me, which is not an energy that I like to inhabit. So when I notice myself going there, it's really helpful having these tools to quickly check myself and shift into a mode of being that feels clearer and more honest and more integral, and more empowered certainly for me at least. So I hope that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:17:29]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, anxiety, rumination, obsessive thoughts, emotional control, thought patterns, Byron Katie, victim mentality, self-soothing, nervous system regulation, stress state, sympathetic nervous system, fight or flight mode, emotional state, rejection, mindfulness, relationship dynamics, self-compassion, compassion for others, mental rabbit holes, insecure mind, self-worth, body experience, spiritual traditions, letting go, emotional spiral, negative emotions, cognitive approach, somatic approach, anxiety management, emotional well-being
3 Things You'll Notice in Your First Healthy Relationship
In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges.
In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges.
We’ll discuss how they invite vulnerability, reveal where we may have been hiding behind dysfunction, and show us that even secure partners can be imperfect. Finally, we’ll talk about how conflict in a healthy relationship doesn’t disappear, but it feels safer and more productive.
Key Points Covered:
Vulnerability: When you're in a healthy dynamic, the absence of chaos can feel unfamiliar, and it may expose areas where you’ve avoided vulnerability by leaning on old, dysfunctional patterns.
Imperfection in Secure Partners: It’s easy to idealise secure partners as perfect, but it’s important to remember that they, too, are human. The difference is in how they respond to their imperfections and how you both handle those inevitable moments of frustration.
Safe Conflict: You’ll realise that disagreements can be handled with mutual respect and a sense of safety, where both partners feel heard and valued, even in moments of tension.
Entering Your First Healthy Relationship: What to Expect
Entering into a healthy relationship for the first time can feel like uncharted territory, especially if past experiences have been marred by dysfunction, high conflict, and insecurity. Yet, as you grow more secure within yourself and cultivate self-awareness, new patterns and challenges will inevitably arise.
Understanding what to expect can help you navigate this new landscape with grace and resilience. Here are three key things you might notice in your first healthy relationship or as you and your partner evolve together into a more secure, healthy dynamic.
Vulnerability: There's Nowhere to Hide
Healthy relationships bring a level of emotional intimacy and vulnerability that can be surprising, even confronting. In relationships marked by insecurity or dysfunction, there’s often a lot of blame and finger-pointing. It’s easy to attribute problems to your partner's behaviour, side-stepping your own areas where growth and honesty are needed.
When stepping into a healthy relationship, all those distractions melt away. You might find yourself feeling exposed in ways you weren't prepared for. This is particularly true if past relationships have seen you as the pursuer, always chasing after someone else's elusive commitment. Being with someone who is fully available and committed can mirror back your own fears or hesitations, illuminating the ways you may have been avoiding vulnerability.
The good news is that this level of openness can foster deeper, more authentic connections. But be prepared: it’s uncomfortable at first. Recognising that this discomfort is a natural part of building a genuine, intimate relationship can make this transition smoother.
Imperfections: Accepting the Whole Person
Even the most secure, wonderful partner is an imperfect human. In a healthy relationship, you might find that even the kindest and most empathetic partner can still disappoint you, have bad habits, or irritate you from time to time.
Many people hold onto an idealistic view that finding a secure partner will eliminate all relational challenges. While a healthy partner may offer kindness, reliability, and empathy, they are still human. They might forget things, act irritable, or have quirks that can be annoying. The idea of never settling might sound appealing, but real relationships require compromise.
Instead of designing a partner in your mind, focus on core values and traits that are non-negotiable, and prepare to be flexible about the smaller details. Embracing this messy, real-world version of love leads to a more grounded and resilient relationship.
Conflicts: Healthy Relationships Have Them Too
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, including the healthiest ones. The key difference in a secure relationship lies in how conflicts are approached, managed, and ultimately repaired. Insecure relationships often make conflict feel existentially threatening, as every argument might seem like it could end the relationship. This high-stakes environment leads to conflict avoidance and unresolved tension.
In a healthy relationship, conflicts can be addressed safely and respectfully. Disagreements can be aired and frustrations expressed without fear of the relationship crumbling. Skillful conflict resolution and genuine attempts at repair can even strengthen connections. Being able to share concerns and have them validated and handled with care revolutionises our imprint of relational safety.
Healthy relationships allow for tension and anger to coexist with an underlying sense of security. The relationship's foundation remains firm, even during rough patches. Embracing this reality reduces the fear around conflict and fosters a more open, honest connection between partners.
Embracing the Journey
Embarking on your first healthy relationship journey can be both exciting and daunting. Remember these points: vulnerability is a sign of depth, imperfections are to be expected, and conflict is normal but can be managed constructively. These elements are not signs of failure but rather indicators of a living, evolving connection between two real people.
As you navigate this path, keep in mind that the strength of a relationship isn't measured by the absence of problems but by the commitment to face and resolve them together. This perspective shift can bring a sense of peace and confidence as you build and nurture a thriving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever found yourself hiding aspects of yourself in past relationships? What did that look like for you, and how did it affect the relationship?
Do you have any fears or anxieties around being vulnerable in a relationship? How do you think a healthy relationship might challenge those fears?
Reflect on your ideal partner. Are there any unrealistic standards that you might be holding onto? How can you embrace the imperfections in a real partner?
Think about a time when you experienced conflict in a relationship. How was it handled? How might conflict look different in a healthy, secure relationship?
Do you find yourself blaming past partners for issues in the relationship? How can you take responsibility for your own role in past conflicts?
What are some of the core traits and values you are looking for in a partner? Are you prepared to compromise on some of the less important aspects?
Do you have a history of pushing for commitment in relationships? How might being with someone who is equally committed bring up new challenges for you?
How do you usually handle disagreements or conflicts? In what ways can you approach conflict more constructively in a future healthy relationship?
Reflect on any previous experiences where conflict felt like a threat to the relationship. How can you build a sense of safety in future conflicts?
How do you think a truly supportive and validating partner might change the way you view yourself and your relationship patterns?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 3 things that you'll notice when you enter your first healthy relationship. So this is one for those of you who have maybe been in a string of not so healthy relationships, the way you've had a lot of dysfunctional patterns, maybe high conflict, a lot of insecurity. And as you do this work of becoming more secure within yourself and building self awareness around your own patterns, learning tools to build healthier relationships and more secure relationships, which is what we're hopefully all aiming for here. And then you enter a new relationship. You'll probably notice a new set of challenges or encounter things that you maybe didn't expect to. I think a lot of us have the misconception that we'll do this work and then we'll enter a healthy relationship with a secure partner and all of that stuff will be behind us.
[00:01:31]:
We'll never have to, you know, come up against those relational challenges again. When really the truth is that we are confronted with different challenges. And hopefully, we are meeting those challenges with the benefit of our enhanced capacity and new tools. And so we're able to alchemize whatever those challenges are with a greater level of maturity. But nevertheless, I think a lot of people are surprised and maybe caught off guard by the fact that secure relationships can bring up different things and can hold a mirror up to us in different ways. And so I'm gonna be sharing today 3 things that you might notice in your first healthy relationship. And even as I'm talking now, I suppose you might even notice this within the same relationship if you've done a lot of work together and you kind of enter a new era of the same relationship as can happen, I think we can have many different versions of a relationship over time with the same partner as we grow and evolve, whether that's joint work or individual work. So you may notice some of these things if you're already in a relationship, but you've been doing some of that work.
[00:02:40]:
So this will hopefully have a little bit of something for everyone. And if you're not in a relationship at the moment, maybe it'll put you on notice for things that you might come up against in the future after you've been doing this work and you enter a healthier relationship. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just a quick announcement. I am really excited to share that I am running another retreat. So for those of you who've been around a while, you might remember that I ran a retreat in Italy mid last year, which was really wonderful. And we have just booked in to do another one in Australia this time in Byron Bay, which is a beautiful coastal town. Some of you may have heard of it.
[00:03:22]:
Many of you may not have, but with a quick Google search, you'll see that it's absolutely idyllic and we booked an incredible property there. The retreat is going to be in May next year, 2025. And we've got a waitlist going for people who want to express interest in that. We're just finalizing all of the details, but it will be 3 nights in May 20, 25. And so if you want to be first to hear about that and we will have an early bird special for the initial period after we've announced it, the link is in the show notes to join that wait list where you can head to my website, and that should be relatively easy to find. So I would love to see people from this community at the retreat and, if that's something that you've maybe always wanted to do or that piques your interest, definitely, pop your name down on the wait list because obviously by virtue of the format of spaces will be very limited. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around things that you might notice in your first healthy relationship.
[00:04:20]:
Now the first one is that there's nowhere to hide. So healthy relationships can be really vulnerable. And I think that a lot of us might be surprised by this because we maybe idealize what it means to be vulnerable in relationships. And if you've been in relationships in the past or maybe you're in a relationship at the moment where there feels like there's a lack of emotional intimacy, you might say, and maybe you complain to your partner or to your friends or to yourself, that there's no depth and there's no emotional intimacy. And, and that's something that you really yearn for. But you might find that when you get it, it actually frightens you a bit. And I think this is something that I've seen time and time again, is clients and students of mine will get into a relationship with someone who is, for example, really committed and wants to move forward with the relationship. And if you've always been the person who, you know, pushes a relationship forward against someone else's resistance and you've got someone who's really, you know, maybe has a fear of commitment or doesn't want to talk about the future, and you spend so much time and energy trying to get that from them, you might really be confronted with your own fear of commitment.
[00:05:33]:
For example, if you're in relationship with someone who is totally available and wants to talk about the future and wants to move the relationship forward. So that's just one example. But what you might see is that the things that you've been blaming someone else about or complaining about those points of resistance or someone else's unavailability, you might suddenly be shown all of the ways in which you were invulnerable or unavailable. Because I think there's there's a lot of hiding that happens in dysfunctional insecure dynamics, and it's really, really easy to blame the other person for everything that's wrong with the relationship. And we often do that from a place that we really deeply believe it. That if they just changed x y zed thing, then our relationship would be fine. And as as true as that can feel, it's very rarely the truth. It's very rarely the whole picture.
[00:06:29]:
And it allows us to, I suppose, sidestep taking responsibility for the ways in which we are not being honest, not being vulnerable, maybe we're not in integrity. So it often blocks us from our own authenticity. And so when you're in a relationship where all of those things that you've been complaining about, all of those things you've been blaming someone else for suddenly aren't there, and there's nothing kind of distracting avoidance side coming up if you are someone who's typically being more anxious. And I think that can be a very interesting, very illuminating kind of role reversal to be all of a sudden afraid of vulnerability and find a lot of resistance to that within yourself. And so seeing those anxieties arise for you in a healthy relationship, I think can catch some people off guard and make you question whether it's the right relationship because you're so accustomed to being the pursuer, so accustomed to the chase, if that's historically been your role, that that that's a really comfortable place to to put all of your energy if that's what you've always done. Whereas receiving or even just something that's more balanced can feel a little bit disorienting if that's not been the role that you've historically occupied in your relationship. So prepare yourself for that. Prepare yourself for a level of vulnerability that you have probably never experienced when you get into your first healthy relationship.
[00:08:08]:
And, you you know, all of the things that come with that, there's a beautiful opportunity to deepen in genuine authentic connection with someone, but there is no way to hide there. And as I said, I think a lot of us maybe don't appreciate the extent to which we have been able to hide in dysfunction and blame in our relationships when we've largely been in insecure dynamics. Okay. The second thing that you might notice in your first healthy relationship is that even the most secure, wonderful partner will be an imperfect human. Okay? And so you might realize that you have certain idealistic conceptions of what it means to be in a secure relationship that maybe are not realistic. And a secure partner who is kind and reliable and trustworthy and empathetic and validating all of these things that you have yearned for for such a long time, that same person might disappoint you from time to time. They might be forgetful or they might have a temper or they might be irritable and, you know, they might annoy you. They might have habits that you find a little grating.
[00:09:19]:
And all of that is really normal. But it might again throw you a little if you've had this story that when I finally get into a secure relationship, then everything will be great. And I won't have to worry anymore. I won't have to have doubts. I won't have to have fears. I won't have to have insecurities. All of that stuff's not just going to fall away and evaporate, because you found the perfect person. So much of that is within us.
[00:09:45]:
And the reality is that even a great person will have downsides to them. There is no perfect partner who has every single trait we've ever wanted, but none of the ones that we don't. And so I think that we come to realize in a healthy relationship that there are compromises. I've said before, I think the advice to never settle, which floats around on social media a lot, I don't think that that really captures the reality of relationship and the messiness of it all. And I think the better advice is be very clear about what you're looking for in terms of kind of core traits and values, and then get ready to compromise around the edges. Because you're not designing some person from the ground up. You are entering relationship with a real person with all of their upsides and downsides and their history and their quirks and their annoying habits. And that's part of committed relationship is that you are signing up for all of that.
[00:10:46]:
And so it can be quite humbling, I think, to realize that you are going to be entering a relationship and potentially making a commitment to a whole person. And that that whole person will annoy you from time to time will frustrate you will upset. You will anger you. And that's all part of it. And so we might have our illusions shattered a little in a healthy relationship around the fact that it's still imperfect despite being, you know, healthy and secure. And that leads me nicely into the third point, which is healthy relationships can still involve conflict. And indeed, they generally will involve conflict. I have said before, I think it's more of a red flag if couples never have conflict than if they have a healthy amount of conflict.
[00:11:32]:
And obviously, there's caveats to that around the way that conflict is approached and managed and repaired. But you will still have disagreements. You'll still have bad days. You'll still have tension. You'll still have rupture. But the real shift that you'll see in your first healthy relationship is that conflict can be had safely and can be repaired skillfully in a way that actually enhances your connection and brings you closer rather than being this really scary thing that feels like a threat to the relationship. And if you are someone with insecure attachment patterns, and that's been the general tone and experience of your relationships to date, you may never have experienced conflict in a way that doesn't feel like it existentially threatens the relationship. Right? A lot of us will have that imprint that every fight feels like it could be the last one, the one that tips us over the edge.
[00:12:27]:
And when that is the tone of your, you know, conflict patterns in your relationship, it's very, very hard for conflicts who ever feel safe because it feels so high stakes. Right? If every fight feels like it could be the end of the relationship, then you'll probably find yourself having a lot of stress around conflict and probably being quite conflict avoidant because everything is being weighed against the possibility of the relationship ending. And so we end up letting a lot of things go that probably do need to be talked about because it's just not worth that magnitude of rupture. So when you find yourself in a healthy relationship for the first time, you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by the fact that you can talk about things and it doesn't have to snowball into this really big, ugly, disconnected fight with attacking and blame and defensiveness and stonewalling and all of those things that a lot of us know really well. And I think that it's incredibly healing to be able to share something that's bothering you and have it received and handled with care and responded to in a validating way. Those sorts of experiences can really fundamentally shift our imprint around relationships and the emotional safety that comes from that is so conducive to greater intimacy and connection in the relationship more broadly. So that is something that you will learn when you enter your first healthy relationship. Yes, there will be conflict.
[00:13:59]:
Don't expect that you are going to be able to skip out on conflict altogether. But it can be done in a way that is safe and feels safe. Even in the moment you can be having conflict and tension or you can be angry, you can be frustrated, and still feel this really strong foundation of safety in the relationship, and that's a very powerful thing. Okay. So those were three things that you may experience in your first healthy relationship. Just to recap, that is that there's nowhere to hide and secure relationships are really vulnerable and actually show us all of the places that we've been avoiding or denying or maybe not taking responsibility for our stuff. The second one was that even secure, healthy, amazing partners are going to annoy us from time to time. They are imperfect, messy humans like the rest of us.
[00:14:52]:
And 3, that secure relationships will have conflicts just like any other. But the difference is your ability to have conflict in a safe way and repair skillfully. So I hope that that's been helpful, has given you something to think about, whether you're in that space at the moment, or it's something that you might encounter in the future. Hopefully that's put you on notice of what you might expect in your first healthy relationship. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who leave a review or rating. Also, if you're someone who watches YouTube, I confess I'm not someone who watches very much YouTube, but I know a lot of people do. I'm trying to grow my YouTube channel at the moment. So if you care to jump on over to YouTube and subscribe, share, if you feel so inclined to all of the podcast episodes are being uploaded in video there, so you can explore those as well as some other videos that are only on YouTube. That would be a huge help to me as a way to support my work in the show. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:15:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, secure relationships, healthy relationships, insecurity, relationship patterns, self-awareness, self-improvement, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, fear of commitment, relationship challenges, dysfunctional relationships, personal growth, relational dynamics, conflict resolution, emotional safety, mature relationships, secure partners, relationship advice, practical tools, relationship coach, relational challenges, retreat in Italy, Byron Bay retreat, authentic connection, relationship conflict, relationship repair, relationship maturity, relationship guide, building healthy relationships, secure attachment.
Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Attachment: Key Similarities & Differences
In today's episode, we're diving into fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment and how it differs from anxious attachment. We’ll explore how both types are driven by a fear of abandonment and intense emotions, yet differ in their approaches to intimacy, conflict resolution, and communication. Whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does, this episode will give you valuable insights into the dynamics at play and how to navigate them for healthier connections.
In today's episode, we're diving into fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment and how it differs from anxious attachment.
We’ll explore how both types are driven by a fear of abandonment and intense emotions, yet differ in their approaches to intimacy, conflict resolution, and communication.
Whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does, this episode will give you valuable insights into the dynamics at play and how to navigate them for healthier connections.
Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Attachment: Key Similarities & Differences
Understanding attachment styles is crucial for anyone looking to improve their relationships and gain insight into their emotional responses. Two attachment styles often discussed together are anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment. While they share some similarities, there are also significant differences that impact relationship dynamics and coping strategies.
High Anxiety About Relationships
A common thread between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment is the high level of anxiety experienced in relationships. For both, relationships often do not feel safe. This anxiety can manifest differently, though. Anxiously attached individuals tend to feel preoccupied with their relationships, continually seeking reassurance and closeness to soothe their anxiety. Fearful avoidants, on the other hand, experience similar anxiety but may internalise it more, leading to erratic behaviours—sometimes drawing close to their partner and other times pushing them away.
Fears of Abandonment and Rejection
Both attachment styles harbour deep fears of abandonment and rejection. For anxiously attached individuals, this fear drives them to over-function in relationships, always striving to maintain closeness and avoid rejection. Fearful avoidants, however, might adopt an “I’ll leave you before you leave me” mentality, ending relationships pre-emptively to avoid the anticipated pain of abandonment. This self-protective strategy is a stark contrast to the anxious attachment’s drive to preserve relationships at nearly any cost.
Struggles with Voicing Needs and Setting Boundaries
A significant challenge that both styles share is difficulty in voicing needs and setting boundaries. Anxiously attached individuals often fall into people-pleasing and approval-seeking behaviours, avoiding conflict in an attempt to secure their partner’s affection. They might quietly resent unmet needs but continue giving and compromising. Fearful avoidants also struggle here, but their approach is slightly different. They might initially also over-give, but their resentment can explode into anger, causing them to view their partner as an adversary. This can lead to dramatic confrontations or sudden decisions to end the relationship, highlighting their fear of betrayal.
Emotional Regulation Difficulties
Emotional regulation is another area where these attachment styles demonstrate both similarity and difference. Both exhibit difficulty managing their emotions, experiencing extreme ups and downs. Anxiously attached individuals often look to their partners to regulate their emotions, feeling out of control when they perceive any threat to the relationship. This can create a sense of urgency to fix any issues immediately. Fearful avoidants, while also struggling with emotional regulation, direct their fear more towards perceived personal threats. This can result in fierce anger and volatility, driven by a deep sense of personal danger, which differs from the anxious attachment's relational focus.
Low Self-Worth and Shame
Low self-worth and shame are core wounds for both anxiously attached and fearful avoidants, but they manage these feelings differently. Anxiously attached people try to compensate for their low self-worth by seeking validation from their partners. They believe that if they can get their partner to love them deeply, it will resolve their feelings of inadequacy. Conversely, fearful avoidant individuals often avoid intimacy to shield themselves from confronting their shame. They might push people away, adhere to a narrative that they're better off alone, or leave relationships to avoid getting hurt.
Navigating Personal Development
Despite these challenges, individuals with both attachment styles are often driven to seek personal development. The feeling of being broken or not good enough can motivate them to explore self-help resources and look for ways to understand themselves better. For anxiously attached individuals, this journey often emphasises finding security in relationships. Fearful avoidants, while also seeking to understand themselves, may focus more on protective mechanisms and building internal resilience.
Understanding the Differences
While there are clear overlaps, the differences in how these attachment styles handle anxiety, fear, and self-worth can significantly impact their behaviours in relationships. Anxiously attached individuals cling to closeness and relationship security, often to the point of self-neglect. Fearful avoidants, in contrast, might sabotage closeness and push people away to self-protect. These strategies can lead to misunderstandings and complicated relationship dynamics, often leaving both parties feeling hurt and confused.
Conclusion
The similarities and differences between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment offer valuable insights into relational behaviours and emotional coping strategies. Understanding these nuances can help individuals recognise their patterns, navigate their emotional responses better, and work towards healthier relationship dynamics. Recognising these patterns is the first step towards making informed changes that lead to more secure and fulfilling interpersonal connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you tend to cope with anxiety in your relationships? Do you find yourself leaning towards seeking closeness or pushing people away?
Reflect on a scenario when you felt deeply hurt or rejected in a relationship. How did you respond to those feelings of abandonment or rejection? Did your response align more with anxious attachment or fearful avoidant attachment strategies?
Are there instances where you've found it particularly challenging to voice your needs or set boundaries? How did this impact your relationship and your personal well-being?
Think about a time when you experienced extreme emotions within a relationship. How did you manage these emotions, and what effect did they have on your relationship dynamic?
Reflect on your self-worth and any underlying feelings of shame you might carry. How have these feelings influenced your behaviour in relationships, and what strategies do you use to cope with these emotions?
Have you ever found yourself over-functioning in a relationship to avoid feelings of abandonment? How has this affected your sense of self and your relational dynamics?
Consider a time when you may have distanced yourself from someone out of fear of being hurt or exposed. How did this affect the relationship and your emotional well-being?
Reflect on your journey of personal development. What drives you to seek understanding of yourself, and how has this journey influenced your attachment style and relationships?
How do you perceive and deal with threats to your emotional safety in relationships? Do you notice any patterns that align with anxious or fearful avoidant attachment?
In what ways do you either yearn for validation from your partner or push them away to protect your self-image? How do these behaviours connect to your deeper fears and insecurities?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am going to be talking all about some key similarities and differences between the anxious attachment style and the fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment style. Now, I get possibly more requests about fearful avoidant attachment than anything else, which is saying something given that, a, I get a lot of requests about a lot of things, and, b, that the vast majority of my audience falls into the bucket of anxious attachment. But it is really one of those areas that seems to be maybe underdeveloped in online literature and content around attachment theory, and an area that I know a lot of people have an interest in and really identify with aspects of the fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment style. And I'm really looking for resources specific to, attachment style, and I'm really looking for resources specific to that attachment style, because it can kind of get sidelined a little in favor of anxious and avoidant attachment being the 2 dominant insecure attachment styles. And I think that's in part because it's thought to only represent around 5% of the population, so it's obviously the smallest category, although I am a little skeptical as to those statistics. But nevertheless, I am heeding the call in this episode today, offering some insights into the ways in which anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment differ. I did do an episode ages ago, probably 2 years ago, about dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant attachment and the ways in which those two differ.
[00:01:57]:
So if you're interested in kind of that side of the street, you can search for fearful avoidant attachment in the podcast, and you should be able to find that old episode as well. Okay. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I dive into that, an announcement, today is the day Healing Anxious Attachment is open for registration for the 8th round of the program. If you were already on the wait list, be sure to check your emails for the link. And if you didn't make it onto the wait list but you are keen to get in on the early bird pricing, you can still join that list by submitting your email on my website. That should be all relatively easy to find. But, yeah, I would love to see you inside the program.
[00:02:36]:
It really is, in my mind, very worthwhile. Of course, I'm biased. I recognize that. But the 2,000 plus students who've been through the program in the past 2 years can also attest to its value. And so if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are ready to really commit to making a change and gifting that to yourself, I'd highly recommend that you check it out, and join us now that registration is open. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around key similarities and differences between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment. Now I do wanna say at the outset that this is far from being an exhaustive list.
[00:03:11]:
You know, I sat down and brainstormed 5 and stopped there because it was getting long and unwieldy, and I think it'll be a long episode anyway. But I could have easily kept going because, obviously, this stuff is multifaceted. And, you know, I also wanna say at the outset, be wary of labels and generalizations. Now that might sound a little bit, I don't know, hypocritical given that I am speaking about a body of work that has labels and categorizations as a key part of its framework. But I suppose more so a reminder that you don't need to fit into a box. So you might listen to this and go, oh, I see that aspect of myself here, but I'm more aligned with that attachment style over there. I have so many people saying to me, like, is it possible for me to be this? And really, anything's possible. Right? You know what your experience is, so don't feel like you need to decipher yourself, and make yourself make sense, in the context of any given framework.
[00:04:10]:
Rather, we're just looking to understand I've said this before, you might have heard me frame it in this way, how have I learned to keep myself safe in relationships? What are the strategies that I have learned to respond to the relational environment that I find myself in? Okay. That's really all we're talking about with attachment styles. It just so happens that most of the time, people will have a fairly consistent set of strategies that fall into a broad style or pattern. But if you feel like you mix and match and maybe is different in one relationship to the next or one area of life compared to another, none of that is something that you need to solve for. It's all just about recognizing the patterns that we see in our own lives, figuring out how they might be inhibiting us from experiencing the kind of relationships that we want, and learning ways that feel more adapted to where we want to go. Okay. So the first similarity between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment is that they both experience high anxiety about their relationships. So that might seem fairly obvious, but, really, that is core to anxious attachment, obviously, that there's a lot of preoccupation with the relationship and a lot of, kind of, stress and anxiety around the relationship, and so too is that the case for fearful avoidance.
[00:05:26]:
So while it might not look exactly the same way, and there may be some more internalized anxiety among fearful avoidant attachment, both attachment styles will experience a lot of anxiety around relationships in a general sense that relationships are not safe. The origin story of fearful avoidant versus anxious attachment can be quite different, but there is this common thread of not being able to trust in the safety of relationships, and therefore experiencing a lot of anxiety around relationships, intimate relationships in particular, this sense of something bad's gonna happen. I can't really rest in this space of the relationship. Now where they differ from each other in this respect is that most of the time, anxiously attached people will deal with that anxiety that they experience around their relationship by trying to get as close as possible. Right? They're trying to eliminate any distance, any gap, any uncertainty. They try and pull their partner close and keep them there. It's very much a control strategy in terms of how can I soothe this anxiety that I feel? And for the anxiously attached person, control comes with proximity and closeness. For the fearful avoidant attached person, what you might see is more of a either hot and cold strategy.
[00:06:36]:
So maybe I deal with my anxiety by pulling you close sometimes and pushing you away other times, or it might be, more consistent distancing strategies. They might lean more towards that avoidant end of the spectrum in, you know, I experience so much anxiety, but the way that I deal with that anxiety is through pushing away, through isolation, through avoidance. Right? You'll not see that very often among anxiously attached people, that they deal with their anxiety by pushing someone away, and to the extent that they do push someone away, it's usually a test to see if that person will pull them back. You know, I say to you, I can't do this anymore, only so that you beg me to stay, and that's really what I'm hoping for. Whereas the fearful avoidant, if they're pushing someone away and saying, I can't do this anymore, they might really mean it in that moment because that is their self protective strategy is to push the other person away. Okay. The second similarity between fearful avoidant and anxious attachment is that both attachment styles will share some core wounds, and in particular, fears around abandonment and rejection. So this is very much at the heart of anxious attachment.
[00:07:39]:
You will have heard me speak about that before, this fear of abandonment, that the person we love is maybe going to leave us literally, as in leave the relationship, or just not be there for us when we need them, so we're going to feel kind of emotionally abandoned or dropped. This is also common among fearful avoidant attachment, although maybe it might be less front and center. And what's really key here is that, again, the way that they process that fear or work with that fear for anxiously attached people, the fear of abandonment leads us to over function, work overtime to try and, you know, do everything humanly possible to prevent that abandonment from happening. So again, really trying to keep our partner close. Whereas the fearful avoidant attached person might have such a profound fear of being left, being not good enough, being rejected, that they're much more inclined to adopt a I'm gonna leave you before you can leave me kind of strategy. So they might end the relationship because they're so convinced that if my partner sees who I really am, then they're gonna leave me anyway. So I might as well do that first and maintain this sense of control over the situation and avoid the pain of rejection, the pain of loss, and so they're more likely to process that fear through distancing, through, you know, I'll beat you to it kind of thing. That's very unlikely to happen among anxiously attached people, who, as we've talked about, very rarely initiate the end of a relationship.
[00:09:15]:
And oftentimes, if an anxiously attached person does leave a relationship, it might be to go to another relationship. So they they don't often step into the void just because they're unhappy in the relationship. Okay. The next similarity between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment is both really struggle to voice needs, to set boundaries, to advocate for themselves in a healthy, secure way in relationships. So, again, we've talked about this a lot in the context of anxious attachment on the show. You know, that I'm just gonna try and be easygoing, people pleasing, approval seeking, trying to fit in, trying to be liked. All of that is well established in the context of anxious attachment, and you may see that as well in fearful avoidant attachment to a point. And I think that this is really the key distinction, is that whereas anxiously attached people will just do that indefinitely, over give to the point of burnout, and they just keep going and going and going.
[00:10:12]:
While they might quietly be resentful and quietly harbor these stories of, it's so unfair, woe is me, victimhood around, my needs aren't being met, and people violate my boundaries, The fearful avoidant person is much more likely to snap, so they give and give and give, and then they might have this big moment where they almost become enraged, and the other person is seen very much as the enemy, as the person who's taking advantage of me. So that person who they've been giving to, who they've been boundaryless in respect of, all of a sudden, they are seen as this kind of villainous character who's out to get me, who is trying to hurt me. And we can really see the fear of betrayal that so many fearful avoidants have coming up there and driving, oftentimes, a really big response to feeling taken advantage of. And that's, again, where there's a bit of a fork in the road between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment is, you know, the fearful avoidant might have a big blow up and blow up a relationship, and that can be not just romantic relationships, but friendships or work, might have a big falling out with someone because this story of, this person doesn't respect me, they're taking advantage of me', all of those things can feel so big and so true and so threatening to the fearful avoidant, and that tends to trump whatever value the relationship had. That self protection drive tends to trump that. So we can see there that for the anxiously attached person, no matter how resentful they get, there tends to be this override of, the relationship is still my priority. Even if I'm really unhappy in the relationship, even if I do feel like I'm being taken advantage of, I might stay in it and try to persuade and convince and beg and plead with my partner to show up for me to meet my needs, all of those things, but it's likely to be in more of a kind of fawning way rather than a big fight response, which is what we'll typically see with fearful avoidant attachment. Okay.
[00:12:13]:
That leads nicely into number 4, which is both struggle with emotional regulation and can experience really big extreme emotions. So we know that for anxiously attached people, emotional regulation can be very hard, and there's this sense of, you know, I derive my sense of safety from the relationship feeling okay, from my partner being happy with me, and provided that everything's okay there, I can feel relatively calm. But as soon as I perceive a threat related to my partnership, I start to feel very dysregulated, very out of control, and feel this overwhelming sense that I need to do something in order to fix the situation. Right? It's like, oh no, I'm, you know, on the Titanic and hurtling towards an iceberg, and I need to do something urgently, otherwise everything is going to come crashing down, and the panic can ensue there. For the fearful avoidant, it's probably not quite as directly related to a threat to the relationship. It's more likely to be, I'm perceiving a threat to myself, and oftentimes the relationship will be that threat, or your partner will feel like, this person's out to get me, they're going to hurt me, they don't respect me. There's just some sort of danger that I can't put my finger on, and I need to do something. And that can feel very visceral, and again, very urgent, and can drive really extreme emotions.
[00:13:37]:
You'll often find for fearful avoidant attachment that anger very quickly becomes almost rage, and it's like this you know, very, very big emotional response and can feel like a lot of emotional volatility. And certainly, inwardly, that is what a lot of fearful avoidants will describe, that the internal sense of chaos and feeling out of control is really pronounced. So while they share that emotionality, again, and this is a common theme that you'll see in the way that they differ, is that anxiously attached people do tend to have this sense of, like, big emotions, but I'm using my big emotions to try and get through to you. I'm using my big emotions to try to convey to you how much pain I'm in, in the hope that, you know, you'll change your behavior and you'll see me and everything will be fine again. Whereas, for someone with fearful avoidant attachment, the big emotions can just be kind of unbridled expression of fear, rage, overwhelm, whatever it might be. But it's typically not in this sense of I need to express my feelings, but ultimately in a way where I'm still trying to bring you closer. Again, it really might just be, like, a blowout of emotion and a really strong feeling of this person is my enemy. It's not so calculated, almost, in the way that it can be with anxious attachment of, I'm I'm trying to get through you.
[00:14:57]:
I'm still even though I'm so angry at you, you're so upset or inconsolable, I'm still really, like, yearning for you to wrap me up and tell me everything's gonna be okay and that you love me and you understand. It's not like trying to get validation from them. It is really just pure anger, and it's much more driven from this place of feeling personally threatened by the other. That makes sense when we consider the context, the kind of origin story of fearful avoidant attachment, which is typically the people closest to me were also threatening in some way, so there is this real internal struggle around trusting in the person that we love most. Okay. And the 5th and final similarity and difference is that both anxiously attached people and fearful avoidance will typically struggle with low self worth and shame. So a sense of there being something wrong with me, but fearful avoidance in particular will usually have some sort of story, whether it's front of mind or not, that they're broken, that they're bad, that they're defective, there's something wrong with them, and that can obviously drive a lot of behaviors in relationship. We've talked about that a lot on the podcast before.
[00:16:05]:
So that's a common thread that anxiously attached people and fearful avoidants will share. As a little side note, this is also perhaps what drives both attachment styles to typically be seekers, I would say, of, like, trying to understand themselves. That feeling of brokenness, there's something wrong with me, why is everything so hard for me, can often drive us to look for answers, and so anxiously attached people and fearful avoidants will often be very geared towards personal development and that kind of stuff, because they do have this hunger to understand themselves. Now, where they differ in terms of this low self worth and shame is, I think anxiously attached people, again, common theme here, try to make that feeling go away by trying to get someone to love them and choose them. So, if I can get my partner to really love me, you know, I can be the best partner in the world, and, you know, my partner will think that I'm amazing and will live happily ever after, then I won't have to feel unworthy and unlovable. I won't have to come into contact with that shame because I will have resolved it via getting someone to want me. Right? That tends to be the anxious attachment story, whether it's conscious or not. There's this sense of the way to resolve that wound within me that I am not good enough is to make someone think that I am good enough.
[00:17:27]:
And if I get that validation from them, then maybe I don't have to feel that way anymore. Whereas for the fearful avoidant, I think it's more likely that you'll see someone who struggles with shame and low self worth pushing away anything and anyone that might bring them into contact with that shame. So because the shame is so powerful and so overwhelming, and they're perhaps a little less inclined to attach to people and outsource all of their self worth to what one other person thinks of them, they tend to be a little bit more protective of their self image. That's the the avoidance streak coming in. You might find a fearful avoidant saying things like, I don't want to hurt you, you deserve better than me, or I'm better off alone because all I do is hurt people, I'm so broken, I'm so messed up. It's just best that I don't try in the first place, whereas anxiously attached people pretty much always gonna try and keep trying and keep trying and keep trying, because they do just have such a strong blueprint that, like, love is the answer, relationships are the answer. And no matter how broken they feel with respect to relationships, there is just this very, very strong imperative within them to seek out relationships and to feel comforted by intimate partnerships. Whereas, I think the fearful avoidant is more likely, of course, this isn't going to be true in every single case, but more likely to defend against those feelings of low self worth and shame by blocking intimacy, blocking closeness, whether that's through kind of staying away from relationships, more serious ones, or sabotaging them as they get more serious, more intimate, all of those things, they can just be more of a reluctance to go down a path that would require them to come into contact with that shame and that low self worth. So they may have stronger defenses against that rather than deploying the anxious strategy of just getting someone so close and trying to resolve it through relationship in in a sense of getting someone else to convince me of my worth. Okay. So those were 5 similarities and differences between fearful, avoidant, and anxious attachment. As I said, I feel like I could keep going easily with another 5, maybe I'll have to do a part 2 of this one. Let me know if this has been helpful, and I will certainly consider doing a follow-up or elaborating on these topics because I know, as I said, that there is a lot of interest in it and a lot of appetite for more content on fearful avoidant attachment. So do be sure to let me know if this was helpful. You can send me a message on Instagram.
[00:20:02]:
You can if you're listening on Spotify, you can leave little comments underneath individual episodes. And I should say, if you are someone who identifies maybe partly with anxious attachment, partly with fearful avoidant attachment. I always get questions when I'm launching Healing Anxious Attachment, my program, can you take that program if you're more fearful avoidant? I get that question so much that it's actually in the FAQs on the registration page. In short, I've had a lot of people take healing anxious attachment who either at the outset or, you know, partway through realize that they identify more with fearful avoidant. My honest answer is it's a course for anxiously attached people, and all of the examples are geared towards anxious attachment. But the core tools and practices that I teach in the program are the same ones that I'd be teaching for fearful avoidant attachment. So things like nervous system regulation, things like reprogramming of core beliefs, communication skills, boundaries, all of this stuff is common among the healing process for any insecure attachment style, I would argue. So there's certainly a lot of value still in the program to be gained by someone who maybe identifies more with fearful avoidant attachment, but you may just find that the examples don't fully land with you because they're speaking to the anxious attachment experience.
[00:21:18]:
And as we've talked about today, there are some key points of difference, particularly in how you respond to the fear. So while you might identify with the fear, the way that you, you know, have learned to deal with it might be slightly different. Okay. So thank you so much for joining me. Again, really hope that this has been helpful, and do let me know if it has been. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:42]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment styles, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, attachment theory, healing anxious attachment, relationships, intimacy, emotional regulation, boundaries, self worth, abandonment, rejection, origin story, personal development, low self worth, shame, nervous system regulation, reprogramming core beliefs, communication skills, people pleasing, core wounds, trust issues, emotional volatility, control strategies, relational anxiety, attachment patterns.
4 Reasons You Keep Attracting Situationships
In today's episode, we’re exploring the common patterns and beliefs that lead people into situationships — those ambiguous, frustrating "almost-relationships" that never quite become something more.
In today's episode, we’re exploring the common patterns and beliefs that lead people into situationships — those ambiguous, frustrating "almost-relationships" that never quite become something more.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a situationship and wondered why it keeps happening, this episode is for you. We'll dive into four key reasons why you might be attracting these kinds of connections and how to start breaking free from the cycle. Specifically, we'll cover:
How a fear of rejection stops you from expressing your desires
The saviour complex and trying to change the emotionally unavailable person
The tendency to prioritise chemistry over true compatibility and authentic connection
Tolerating situationships out of a fear that you can't do any better
If you’re tired of finding yourself in situationships, this episode will help you identify the underlying beliefs and behaviors contributing to the pattern. You'll learn practical steps to start attracting the kind of relationship you truly want.
Discovering the Root Causes: Why You Keep Attracting Situationships
Navigating the modern dating world can be a labyrinthine ordeal, especially when one continually finds themselves caught in the limbo of situationships. While a situationship may initially seem like a dynamic, casual arrangement, it often lacks crucial foundational elements like trust, commitment, and clear intentions. This grey zone can leave individuals feeling used, frustrated, and perplexed as to why such patterns keep recurring in their love lives. Let’s delve into four core reasons why one might keep attracting situationships and, more importantly, how to break free from these cycles.
1. Fear of Rejection
A profound fear of rejection can drive individuals to avoid directly communicating their desires and expectations within a relationship. This is especially true for those with anxious attachment patterns. The fear often stems from a deep-seated worthiness wound, leading to a reluctance to express genuine needs for fear of being rebuffed. Instead, one might skirt around important conversations, relying on indirect methods to gauge the other person's interest.
When the avoidance strategy is in play, there's a tendency to tiptoe around defining the relationship, creating an environment ripe for a situationship. Cultivating a strong sense of self-worth and being comfortable with potential rejection can significantly alter this dynamic. Being upfront about what one wants might be daunting, but it is a crucial step towards attracting a partnership that aligns with one’s true desires.
2. Hope of Change
A common mindset trap is the belief that if one can just hold on and be patient, the other person will eventually change their stance and commit. This often aligns with the archetype of the "rescuer," who believes that with enough love and understanding, they can bring about a transformation in their partner. Many fall into the fallacy of thinking that persistence will eventually yield the relationship they fantasise about.
However, trying to love someone into availability rarely works and often leaves one feeling inadequate and frustrated. It's crucial to recognise the patterns and acknowledge that meaningful change comes from within the other person, not from external pressure or persistent efforts. Trust that there are individuals who are already available and eager for the type of committed relationship you seek.
3. Prioritising Chemistry Over Compatibility
While chemistry can undeniably ignite the initial stages of a relationship, it shouldn't overshadow essential elements like compatibility and consistent connection. Some may get swept up in the intoxicating allure of chemistry, overlooking red flags or misalignments in core values and goals.
It's essential to balance the heady rush of chemistry with a clear-eyed assessment of whether the relationship meets other fundamental needs. Consistency, reliability, and mutual respect must complement the excitement chemistry brings. An awareness of this tendency allows one to make more discerning choices, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
4. Fear of Being Alone
A fear of being alone can propel individuals to stay in unsatisfying situationships. The thought of facing solitude or the perception of repeated 'failed relationships' can be too daunting, leading to a compromise on one’s standards and desires. One might cling to a connection that is clearly unfulfilling, simply because it feels better than being without any companionship.
Learning to appreciate and enjoy one's own company can be transformative. It provides a solid foundation of self-worth and makes it easier to walk away from a relationship that doesn't serve one’s needs. Remember, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel more isolated than solitude ever could.
Moving Forward: Creating Healthy Relationship Patterns
Understanding these underlying reasons for attracting situationships is the first step in transforming relationship dynamics. Here are a few actionable steps to help move towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships:
Communicate Directly: Practice clear and honest communication about your needs and expectations from the outset. This not only sets the tone for the relationship but also filters out those who are not on the same page.
Self-Worth Work: Engage in activities and practices that bolster your self-esteem. Whether it’s through therapy, self-help resources, or support groups, strengthening your sense of worthiness is pivotal.
Value-Based Choices: Make a conscious effort to prioritise compatibility and mutual respect over fleeting chemistry. Write down what core values are non-negotiable for you and use this as a guide.
Embrace Solitude: Learn to enjoy your own company and view time spent alone as an opportunity for personal growth, rather than something to fear. This can break the cycle of settling for less than you deserve.
Breaking free from the cycle of situationships requires a combination of self-awareness, consistent practice, and often, a shift in mindset. By addressing the root causes and making deliberate, informed choices, it is entirely possible to cultivate relationships that are healthy, committed, and deeply fulfilling.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your experiences in situationships. Do you see a pattern of behaviour or choices that might be contributing to this dynamic? How do these patterns relate to your sense of self-worth?
Do you find yourself avoiding direct conversations about your relationship goals out of fear of rejection? How has this avoidance impacted your relationships?
How often do you feel tempted to "rescue" or "change" your partner in hopes of creating the relationship you desire? Reflect on moments where this has or hasn’t worked in your favour.
When it comes to chemistry versus compatibility, which do you find yourself prioritising more? How has this emphasis influenced the types of relationships you attract?
Can you identify times when you stayed in a relationship because you feared being alone or felt that having some connection was better than none? How did that affect your overall well-being?
Think about a past relationship where you accepted less than you deserved. What beliefs about yourself were underlying your decision to stay in that relationship?
How do you currently approach the ending of a relationship or situationship? Do you find yourself internalising blame or feeling like a failure? Reflect on how this affects your self-esteem and future relationships.
Are you aware of any signs of emotional unavailability in the people you attract? What steps could you take to ensure you only pursue connections that align with your relationship goals?
Reflect on a time when you clearly communicated your needs and desires in a relationship. How did it feel, and what was the outcome? What does this teach you about the importance of self-advocacy?
What does a healthy, committed, and secure relationship look like to you? Write about the characteristics and values you want in this type of relationship, and reflect on whether your past choices align with these ideals.
Use these prompts to deepen your understanding of your attachment patterns and uncover ways to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about situationships, and specifically four reasons why you keep attracting situationships into your life. Now for anyone who's not familiar with the term situationship, a situationship could sort of be defined as when you're dating someone and it's more than just a casual encounter. Maybe you've seen each other regularly and you talk a lot and, you know, it sort of starts to feel like a relationship, but it lacks, you know, those core features of maybe exclusivity or maybe you haven't talked about anything formal like that, and there's this reluctance to put a label on it. And so the relationship just sort of drifts on, without, you know, any of the foundational elements like trust and commitment and clarity, that really allows something to feel like an actual relationship. So it exists in this in between space, this limbo between something and nothing. And unfortunately, you know, from speaking to so many people, this is a really common trope of modern dating, and it's something that I think some people more than others are susceptible to.
[00:01:46]:
And that's really what we're going to be talking about today because as much as we can throw our hands up and say, why me? This is so unfair. Everyone is emotionally unavailable and all I want is a committed, healthy, secure relationship. But, you know, when it keeps happening again and again and again, it's just not really honest to suggest that we don't have a part in it. You know, that's really a common theme in everything that I share and teach, is taking responsibility for the ways in which we are creating our own destiny, be that for better or worse. So if you are someone who notices that you keep ending up in these, you know, in between noncommittal relationships where you feel like the other person is taking a lot but maybe not giving much in return, rather than just villainizing them and playing into a story where you are the victim of, you know, everyone being emotionally unavailable in the modern dating world. We're going to be looking today at some of the ways that you might be you know, unknowingly and unintentionally perpetuating those dynamics, and what you can do to shift away from those things, and really deliberately only make yourself available for the kinds of connections that really appeal to you and that are, you know, taking you in the direction that you really want to be going, rather than wasting your time, with things that ultimately feel like a bit of a dead end. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder if you've listened the past couple of weeks, you would know that Healing Anxious Attachment is coming back.
[00:03:19]:
So in less than a week I will be opening registration to early bird folks on the waitlist. This is round 8 of the program. It's one that I'm really excited for. I'm going to be including more of a live component than I have in recent times. In my experience with running the Secure Self Challenge, which you might have heard me talk about or maybe you participated in, it's really made clear to me how important that community aspect is. And so for this round, and likely for future rounds of Healing Anxious Attachment, I'm really going to be putting more of an emphasis on that community and life component. So we're going to have a community space as well as several live calls with me where you can connect and ask questions, to really make sure that you have not only accountability, but support as you go through the program. And I think that that can be really helpful for folks.
[00:04:13]:
I know that moving through an online course, can feel a little bit lonely at times and maybe hard to motivate yourself to stay on track with, so hopefully these little tweaks to how I'm going to be running the program will really help you with that. So if you're interested, please do jump on the wait list. The wait list is just there to, guarantee you access to early bird pricing and ensure that you can save your seat when doors open in less than a week's time. So, do that via my website, or the link is there in the show notes underneath this episode. Okay. So let's talk about situationships and some of the reasons why you might find yourself in these relationships again and again and again. So the first reason is that you have a really deep fear of rejection, and so you avoid directly communicating about what you want and where things are at. So I think this is probably true for a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns is that, you know, coupled with that fear of abandonment is that fear of rejection.
[00:05:21]:
And I'd say the common thread there is that worthiness wound, this sense of not being good enough, not being, you know, desirable, attractive, smart, funny, whatever. We don't really see our own value, and so we really, really fear someone else confirming our perception of ourselves, which to me is really what lies at the heart of a fear of rejection is, you know, I already reject myself so deeply, and so if you don't want me, then that acts as confirmation of all of my greatest fears that I am, you know, not worthy of being wanted or chosen by anyone. And so, oftentimes, when that's the base layer, when that's what's sitting underneath, you know, our behaviors and what's driving us, when we're dating, we tend to pursue more indirect ways of gathering information, of scoping out whether someone's interested. You know, we avoid just directly saying, hey, here's what I'm looking for. Are you looking for the same thing? For fear that the answer will be no, and then we'll take that to mean something about us at a really fundamental level that, you know, if we were otherwise, if we were someone else better, then they would want more of a relationship, then they would want to commit. And again, this is just such a fallacy. It's such a signal. You should really if you have those sorts of internal thoughts, that's a really good sign that you have some worthiness stuff going on and that it's driving this, you know, indirect pattern, where you're afraid to advocate for yourself for something as simple as, like, what am I looking for in a relationship? You know, avoiding those sorts of questions.
[00:07:03]:
And I hear this all the time from people saying, like, when is it too soon to start asking someone? We've been, you know, texting for 4 months, and we've only met up once. You know, how should I navigate this? Am I being too needy? It's really important to understand that your reluctance to just come out and say, here's what I'm available for, here's what I'm not available for, that is where your dysfunction meets theirs. So you're like, yes, this person might be, quote, unquote, emotionally unavailable. They might be, you know, taking advantage of the situation. They might be, you know, only available to sleep with you, but not to actually spend time with you or get to know you or other things like that. But you're participating in it, and you're tiptoeing around them because you don't want to be rejected. You don't want to lose the connection, and that lack of directness, that fear of actually just saying, here's what I want, and being really comfortable with the fact that they might want something else, and that doesn't mean anything about you. You might be disappointed if they want something other than what you want.
[00:08:09]:
That might be a shame, but it doesn't mean that, you know, no one's ever going to want you or want the same thing as you. So really look at that and go, Am I tiptoeing? Am I avoiding a conversation for fear of what that might uncover? And just remind yourself that if they don't want the same thing as you, that's going to become apparent sooner or later. And so do I want to be wasting my time, you know, trying to turn this into something that it's never going to become, so that I can feel good about myself or feel like I've won in some way? I think that that's a very easy path to go down when we struggle with self worth, but it is not going to lead you to the kind of relationship that you want. It's likely going to lead you, round and round in circles of frustration and overwhelm and confusion and doubt, and that's not what we want our relationships to be characterized by. And this leads me really nicely into the second reason why you might find yourself in situationships again and again and again. And that is that you convince yourself that if you can just hold on, then, you know, over time you'll be able to influence them to, you know, choose you, to want you. Like, if you can kind of sink your teeth in, then eventually they'll change their mind. So even if at the start they say, I'm not really looking for a relationship, but then, you know, they keep messaging you and you keep meeting up and sleeping together or whatever it might be, but it stops short of anything more committed than that, you might be telling yourself, like, oh, well, I'll just take, you know, this watered down version for now, but if I can spend more time with them and, you know, be really loving and thought full, then they'll see how valuable I am, and surely they will change their mind.
[00:10:00]:
Right? If I can just, like, love them into availability, then everything will be good. Again, I think we can really fall into this trap when we have, you know, not only the unworthiness thing, but when we have that, like, rescuer streak in us. We tell ourselves that we are gonna be the one to change them, to save them. You know, we understand their unavailability, and if they could just open up to us and be vulnerable with us, we'll hold space for them, and they'll feel so seen, and then they'll really see the value in us, and all of that savior complex kind of stuff that we can get stuck in. Again, I say this not from a place of, you know, blaming or shaming. I am very susceptible to this myself, as is anyone who has that combination of a worthiness wound with really strong emotional attunement. It's very easy to put ourselves in that role of coach and therapist and think that we can, you know, transform someone. We can be the inspiration for their big metamorphosis into the version of themselves that they could become if they, you know, sorted all of their intimacy fears out or whatever it might be.
[00:11:12]:
Trust me when I say that that is not again, it's not a role you want to play. It's not a road you want to walk down, because you'll always know deep down that even if that works in the sense that, you know, they change their mind, you'll know that it was because you had to convince them in this insidious kind of way. So don't fall into that trap of trying to, you know, convert someone, persuade them, influence them into being available for a relationship with you. Trust that there are people who are available for a relationship with you who would jump at the opportunity to be in relationship with you, rather than feeling like you need to kind of steward someone into readiness for something like that. Okay? Alright. The third reason that you might find yourself winding up in situationships is that you're a sucker for chemistry, and you tend to prioritize chemistry over things like compatibility and connection. Now, chemistry is not a red flag, and I think that there's a lot of talk about this on social media. You know, we talk about chemistry as if we need to be really wary of chemistry.
[00:12:20]:
I don't think that's necessarily true. I think chemistry can be a beautiful thing about the start of a relationship, and it's really lovely to have good chemistry with someone. But we just don't want to be guided by chemistry and overlook all of the other things that might not be a fit. You know, we don't want to be like a moth to a flame, where chemistry blinds us to everything else that might be present or absent in the connection when those other things are important to us, in order to feel satisfied with, you know, pursuing something. So again, I think that among people with more anxious attachment patterns, there is this tendency to really latch on to, like, oh, we have such amazing chemistry. Oh, we have such an amazing connection. It would be you know, it would feel like a sin to let that go because whenever I'm with them or whenever I'm talking to them, I feel so amazing. You know, I feel like we just get along so well.
[00:13:15]:
We can kind of, you know, really over index on this chemistry thing as, like, oh, it has to mean something that we have this incredible connection. Right? Oh, they're so charming. Oh, they make me feel so, you know, special and seen and all of these things. Again, nothing wrong with that, but we really need to also be paying attention to, is this person consistent? Are they reliable? Do they want the same things as me? Do their words and their actions match up? If there's no substance underlying that chemistry or that connection, then we're likely to be led astray, and we're much more prone to ending up in these situationships, some approximation of what we really want, because we've gotten carried away by how good it feels when we are connected with them. And then we, you know, get stuck in that cycle of chasing the high and kind of frantically wanting to get back to connection. So, you know, if they're not texting regularly or, you know, they're available and then they cancel at the last minute, rather than seeing that for what it is and going, okay. This person's probably, you know, not really committed to spending time with me. You know, they're a bit flaky.
[00:14:27]:
They're unreliable. That's not what I'm looking for. We instead go, oh, what did I do wrong? Have I upset them? How do I make them want me? Do I need to work harder so that this discomfort that I'm experiencing doesn't happen again, and I can, you know, secure them and the time together so that I can, you know, turn this into something more? I think we really need to see things for what they are, and sometimes chemistry, or a really strong connection, can blind us to reality. So just be mindful of that. Again, this won't apply to everyone, and chemistry is not in and of itself a problem that we need to solve for or be suspicious of. Again, I get messages from people being like, do I need to worry if I have good chemistry with someone? No, of course not. But it is good to bear in mind that some people, and you'll probably know if this is you, chemistry can lead you astray, or it can cloud your judgment or cloud your discernment, around other things that may or may not be in alignment about the relationship. So, just be careful about that if you know that that's you, and if you know that it has historically led you to end up in situationships or relationships that aren't actually in alignment with what you want, what you value, and how you want to be treated.
[00:15:46]:
Okay. And the 4th reason that you might find yourself ending up in situations time and time again is you fear that you can't do any better and that something is better than nothing when it comes to relationships. So if you're someone who really struggles with being alone, again, this is all very much connected to that worthiness thing. If you think that just having some connection, even if it's really not in alignment, if it's not what you want, but maybe you don't think you can do any better, maybe you've really struggled with being alone, maybe you've had a string of, you know, so called failed relationships, not that I would use that term, but I know a lot of people use it about themselves. If you've had that kind of relationship history, and you don't want to feel like a failure again, and you don't want to face what it might mean about you to get excited about someone and then be let down or disappointed again, because you tend to internalize that and make it mean something about your worth, your value, your lovability, in those circumstances, you might just hold on and, you know, stay connected because the alternative feels too painful, too scary, too overwhelming, too uncomfortable to bear. And so again, this might feed into some of those other things we've talked about where, you know, I'll just hold on and then maybe I can make them change, or with time it will get better. All of those stories we might tell ourselves, and I would say lies we might tell ourselves, not always, but often, a part of us knows on a deep level that the relationship isn't right, but we either hold on or we keep going back for fear that, you know, it's it's the best we're going to get even though it's so far short of what we truly want. So you might find yourself, you know, holding on or accepting much less than what you want or something very different to what you want, because you don't want to be alone, or even if it's not about being alone.
[00:17:39]:
You know, I hear a lot of people say, I'm actually okay with being by myself. It's not that I struggle to spend time alone, but it's what we make it mean when a relationship ends, and we have to let go of the fantasy that we had about what it could become, and how wonderful it could be. I think that's where it really stings. That's where it really hurts and kind of gets at our self worth, and all of those voices in our head can get really, really loud where we worry that it's always going to be this way, and we're always going to be stuck in this cycle. You know, the great irony of that is that the fear of always being stuck in the cycle is actually what keeps us in the cycle, because we hold on then, and we accept less than what we deserve. So it can be a really vicious downward spiral, if we allow it to be. So a really important thing is to go, you know, I'm not going to continue to participate on these terms. I'm not going to make myself available for something that falls so short of my standards, you know, my hopes, my desires for the kind of relationship that I want in my life, and you really have to trust that more is available to you if you're going to make that call.
[00:18:43]:
Because of course, if we really do believe that nothing better is out there for us, then why wouldn't we accept so much less, right? So that is a big mindset piece, a big, you know, self belief piece that we do need to address at the outset, if we do want to really up level in terms of the quality and caliber of connection that we are attracting, and pursuing in our lives, in our dating. Okay? So I hope that that was helpful, insightful, maybe you saw some of yourself in those patterns. And you know, again as always, this is not intended to make you feel bad about yourself. Quite the contrary, it's intended to empower you to take responsibility, to understand yourself, always with compassion, you know, recognizing that much of this comes from some pretty deep wounds that so many of us carry, so it's not something that you need to beat yourself up about, nor is it something that you need to feel, you know, condemned to a lifetime of being stuck in that pattern. All of this stuff is able to be unlearned and we can, you know, learn more effective and more aligned strategies for creating the life and, you know, the relationships that we want, and that's really what we're doing here. So, sending you lots of love. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review or a rating, and definitely consider jumping on the wait list for Healing Anxious Attachment because everything that we've talked about today is very much in keeping of what we dive deep into over 8 weeks in that program. So I would love to see as many of you there as possible. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
situationships, modern dating, fear of rejection, anxious attachment, relationship coach, emotionally unavailable, commitment, self-worth, worthiness wound, noncommittal relationships, dating patterns, attachment theory, relationship guidance, boundaries in dating, communication in relationships, avoiding rejection, vulnerability in dating, trust in relationships, transforming relationships, emotional attunement, chemistry in relationships, compatibility in dating, prioritizing connection, avoiding loneliness, rescuing behavior, unhealthy relationships, secure attachment, online course, live coaching, relationship program
My 3 Favourite Quotes on Life & Love
In today's episode, I'm sharing with you some wisdom from three of my favourite writers and teachers on life, love and relationships. These quotes, from authors James Clear, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brene Brown, have been hugely formative for me in my own journey and I hope you love them as much as I do.
In today's episode, I'm sharing with you some wisdom from three of my favourite writers and teachers on life, love and relationships. These quotes, from authors James Clear, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brene Brown, have been hugely formative for me in my own journey and I hope you love them as much as I do.
Life and Love: Three Powerful Quotes to Guide You
Navigating life and relationships can often feel like trying to find your way in the dark. Fortunately, the wisdom of others can illuminate our path and provide invaluable insights. Here are three powerful quotes about life and love that can inspire and guide us towards greater self-understanding and healthier relationships.
Every Action is a Vote for the Person You Wish to Become
"Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity." – James Clear
James Clear, the author of *Atomic Habits*, captures a profound truth with this quote. It underscores the concept that meaningful change in our lives doesn't require radical shifts. Rather, it is the accumulation of small, consistent actions that shape our identity and destiny.
Imagine every action as a small vote. Each choice we make, no matter how insignificant it seems at the moment, contributes to the kind of person we are becoming. It’s a reminder of our power and agency, encouraging us to make conscious decisions aligned with our values and who we aspire to be.
For those grappling with low self-esteem or insecurity, this quote is a beacon of hope. It suggests that you don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. Instead, focus on the small, positive actions you can take daily. Over time, these actions will build up, creating evidence of a new, confident identity.
Control vs Anxiety: The Power of Surrender
"You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety." – Elizabeth Gilbert
Elizabeth Gilbert’s words resonate deeply, particularly for those who struggle with anxiety and control. We often grip tightly to control, believing it keeps chaos at bay. However, in reality, control is an illusion. We never truly hold dominion over most aspects of our lives; we merely have anxiety masquerading as control.
This quote invites us to re-evaluate our relationship with control and surrender. Letting go doesn't mean becoming passive or indifferent. Rather, it means recognising the limits of our control and choosing to trust the natural ebb and flow of life more. This shift can lead to greater peace and less anxiety.
Consider integrating this wisdom into daily life by practicing mindfulness and acceptance. When anxious thoughts arise, remind yourself that clinging to control is counterproductive. Release your grip, embrace the uncertainty, and find solace in the present moment. This practice can lead to a more serene and fulfilling existence.
Boundaries: Stand Your Sacred Ground
"Don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground." – Brené Brown
Brené Brown offers a succinct and powerful mantra for setting boundaries. Many of us struggle with boundaries, oscillating between shrinking (being too accommodating) and puffing up (being overly defensive). Brown's quote advocates for a balanced approach: standing your sacred ground.
Setting boundaries isn't about building walls or becoming rigid. It’s about honouring your own needs and values while maintaining respect and compassion for others. When you stand your sacred ground, you remain genuine and firm without aggression or submission. This balanced stance fosters healthier, more respectful relationships.
To put this into practice, begin by recognising your own needs and limits. Articulate these boundaries clearly and kindly. For example, if you need alone time after a busy day, communicate this calmly to your partner without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. This not only respects your needs but also strengthens mutual understanding and respect in your relationship.
Integrating These Quotes into Daily Life
These three quotes offer profound insights into living authentically and building healthier relationships. To integrate these principles into your daily life:
1. Reflect on Your Actions: Regularly evaluate your actions and choices. Are they aligned with the person you aspire to be? Making small, positive changes consistently can lead to significant personal growth.
2. Embrace Surrender: When you feel the urge to control, pause and breathe. Question whether control is truly possible or if it's merely perpetuating your anxiety. Shift your focus to acceptance and trust in the present moment.
3. Set Balanced Boundaries: Identify your needs and communicate them clearly. Practice standing your ground with kindness and firmness, without shrinking or puffing up. This will improve your self-respect and relationship dynamics.
By reflecting on and incorporating these timeless pieces of wisdom, you create a more intentional, balanced, and fulfilling life. Remember, profound change doesn't require grand gestures; it starts with small, deliberate steps taken with mindfulness and purpose.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you relate to the idea that "every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become"? Can you think of recent actions that align or misalign with the person you want to be?
Reflect on a time when you tried to exert control over a situation. Did it lead to more anxiety or resolve the situation? How might you approach a similar situation in the future with more surrender and trust?
Brene Brown's quote about boundaries suggests finding a middle ground between shrinking and puffing up. In your past experiences, have you found yourself leaning towards one of these extremes? How can you better stand your sacred ground?
James Clear mentions that "meaningful change does not require radical change." Can you identify small habits in your daily life that contribute positively to your self-identity? How can you cultivate more of these habits?
Elizabeth Gilbert highlights the illusion of control and its connection to anxiety. Reflect on an area of your life where you feel a strong need for control. How might releasing some of that control impact your mental and emotional well-being?
The concept of "we are what we practice" suggests that our daily actions shape our identity. Are there any practices or routines you currently engage in that you'd like to change to better align with your desired self?
When it comes to boundaries, what does "standing your sacred ground" mean to you personally? How can you implement this concept in your interactions with others?
Reflect on the idea of self-responsibility and self-respect as discussed by Steph. How do these concepts show up in your relationship with yourself and others? Are there areas where you feel a need to develop more self-responsibility or self-respect?
Contemplate the relationship between control and anxiety in your life. How can you practice more surrender and trust to reduce anxiety and improve your overall sense of peace?
Brene Brown's quote encourages advocating for yourself from a heart-centered place. Think of a recent situation where you felt compelled to set a boundary. How could you have approached it from a place of integrity and dignity? How did you feel in that moment, and what would you change, if anything?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
📣 FLASH SALE: Get my Better Boundaries masterclass for just US$30 (usually US$88)
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am sharing with you 3 of my favorite quotes about life and relationships. So this is a slightly different episode to usual. I haven't done something like this before, but I thought it might be a nice way to borrow from the wisdom of other people, teachers who I find to be very inspirational and offer that to you as food for thought, and obviously, share with you what it is about these words and the ideas behind them that are, you know, particularly inspiring and that I find to be very profound, and how that might relate to other things that are more in the vein of what we usually talk about here, like attachment. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. I'm excited to share these with you, and I hope that you enjoy these quotes as much as I do. Before we dive into today's episode, a quick announcement that Healing Anxious Attachment, which for anyone who is new around here is my signature program, is coming back towards the end of the month or maybe early next month.
[00:01:34]:
Haven't quite decided yet. I'm exposing how poor my planning and project management is, but there it is, transparency. Healing Anxious Attachment is very near and dear to my heart. We've had over 2,000 students in the program since I first created it about two and a half years ago, and this will be the 8th cohort of the program. So I'm really looking forward to it. I have a renewed sense of energy having been on maternity leave and coming back. I'm looking forward to launching this program again for a new round of students. And if you're at all interested in joining, do jump on the wait list, which will entitle you to early bird pricing and first access when registration opens, as I said, towards the end of the month or early next month.
[00:02:19]:
And all of that is linked in the show notes, or you can head straight to my website, stephanierigg.com, and that should be easy enough to find your way to. Okay. So let's dive into these three quotes that I love, which are, to be honest, more about life than they are about specifically relationships, but I think that it would be arbitrary to draw a distinction between those things and suggest that quotes about life and selfhood don't relate to our, you know, intimate partnerships. So the first one is from James Clear, who is probably best known as the author of Atomic Habits, which is, you know, super best selling book that you've probably seen everywhere and many of you will have read. But this quote from James Clear is, every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. This is one reason why meaningful change does not require radical change. Small habits can make a meaningful difference by providing evidence of a new identity.
[00:03:19]:
I love this quote. Okay. I just have to pause before I keep talking. I'm recording this in my home office, and the birds outside my window, they always give me a bit of grief. But today, they are particularly noisy in their chirping. So I apologize. It is near impossible to remove from the recording. So hopefully, it provides a nice ambiance for those listening rather than an annoyance.
[00:03:40]:
But either way, my apologies for the bird noises. Okay. Back to James Clear. So every action you take is a vote for the type of person that you want to become. I love this concept. To me, it so beautifully articulates this idea of agency and self responsibility, and that we are what we practice. Right? I love this idea that we are what we practice. So many of us have a really fixed view of ourselves.
[00:04:05]:
We say, like, oh, I'm just this type of person, or that thing's not possible for me. That can often be really restrictive and constrictive to our identity. Obviously, this whole idea of a growth mindset is kind of softening those fixed, attributes that we've slapped on ourselves that keep us really small and stagnant. So I think that shifting into this way of looking at things, that's like, with every action that I take, I'm choosing what kind of person I wanna be. I'm, like, clocking runs on the board. And over time, the sum total of all of those little choices is my identity, which is in this constant process of formation and reformation. I think this is such an encouraging idea for those of us who do struggle with low self esteem or a lack of self belief, realizing that you have so much power moment to moment to actually just choose what kind of person do I want to be, What kind of person do I want to be today? In this moment and the next one and the next one? And recognizing that as you gain momentum in those choices, you know, you're taking one step at a time, but maybe down a different path to the path that you've previously been on. And all of a sudden, you'll look back and go, wow, I've taken a 1000 steps down this new path, and I'm actually quite a way away from where I started in the best possible way.
[00:05:28]:
So, every action you take is a vote for the type of person that you want to become. It's a very powerful concept, and one that, for me, is so in alignment with all of the things that I teach and talk about around self responsibility and self respect and self worth. Okay? Reminding ourselves what we are capable of, coming back to integrity, coming back to following through and making sure there is alignment between our, you know, values and our actions rather than just talking about things and never actually following through on them. Okay. Okay. The second quote that I love is from Elizabeth Gilbert, who's also an author, and it is, you are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety. I'm gonna say that again.
[00:06:15]:
You are afraid of surrender because you don't wanna lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety. Alright? I feel like that one deserves a bit of a mic drop. When I first heard it, my therapist actually shared it with me. I was very much on point. Right? This idea that, like, oh, I can't let go of control. I can't surrender. I can't just hand my life over to the universe and say, look, I'm gonna choose to lead with trust.
[00:06:43]:
This idea of, like, I can't let go of control because all of these terrible things will happen. And reminding ourselves, like, we don't actually have control, we just have anxiety. Okay? And, like, that anxiety drives us to create an illusion of control in so many different areas of our lives. All of the ways that we grip and manipulate and try and play out every possible version of how something could happen so that we can plan how we'd respond and, you know, all of the suffering that we cause ourselves just to create this semblance of control in the face of uncertainty, when the reality is we never had control in the 1st place, we just had anxiety. And that anxiety both prompts us to seek control, but it also our attempts at creating control just perpetuate the anxiety. So I think there is immense freedom. And again, I teach this a lot in actually just recognizing how little we have control over, and letting that be a source of peace and surrender rather than fueling the anxiety. It's just it doesn't make any sense to continually be at war with what is, And the reality is that we don't have control over the vast majority of things that are going on in the world, even that happening in our lives.
[00:08:00]:
You know, our sphere of control is relatively limited compared to all of the things that we try to exert control over. So making peace with that, recognizing what your relationship to control is, and asking, do I actually have control, or do I just have anxiety? And my bet would be that it's the latter, right? We just have anxiety, not control. So in light of that, maybe we might try and take more steps towards surrender, and peace, and trust in, you know, the ebb and flow of life, recognizing that it doesn't really matter either way, because even if we try to control, it's not going to work. So maybe if those attempts at control are just causing us stress and anxiety, without having any efficacy attached to them, letting go might provide an alternative way of being that we could explore and play with. Okay. Now the 3rd quote that I love is from Brene Brown, and this quote is around boundaries. And again, if you've been in any of my programs, I think I mentioned this quote in my boundaries masterclass. It is, don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground.
[00:09:13]:
Okay? Now, I'll say that one again. Don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground. So it's this idea of when we talk about boundaries, most of us, by default, will either shrink, get very small, or we puff up. We have this bravado or this aggression, and I've talked many times about that pendulum swing that oftentimes we go from having no boundaries to having very dictatorial boundaries where we wanna tell everyone what they can and can't do, and how dare you, and you're violating my boundaries, and we don't really know how to find ourselves to a moderate place, a middle ground, a balanced approach to boundaries that actually is conducive to healthy relationships. Because the puffing up and the shrinking both exist at opposite ends of the spectrum. It's diffuse boundaries or it's rigidity, and neither of those tend to yield what we're wanting, which is you know, I talked about this in a recent episode around boundaries. We want to be able to stay connected to self and connected to other, and boundaries are a really powerful tool to allow us to do that, to facilitate that, because it essentially communicates, here's what I need in order to feel safe while being connected to you. Right? Now, this idea of just stand your sacred ground, I think there's something really powerful and poignant in those words.
[00:10:31]:
It's very evocative, at least for me. You know, firm, feet planted, really heart centered. I don't need to shrink. I don't need to make myself smaller to gain your approval, or to hold on to a relationship, or whatever it might be. I can stand firmly planted in my truth, in my dignity, in my integrity. I can advocate for myself from that place, trusting that whatever flows from that is the right thing. Because how could being grounded in my integrity lead to the wrong outcome, whatever the wrong outcome might be? Again, I think we get so tied up in the right outcome is the one that I want. I think this loops back to our desire to control everything, other people, and the world around us.
[00:11:18]:
So I think that learning to orient ourselves back to center, go, okay, how can I advocate for myself in this moment? What do I need to say? Can I say it from my heart? Can I say it vulnerably, but with care and kindness? And then whatever flows as a result of that, even if the other person blows up and gets really defensive, or even, God forbid, a relationship ends as a result of it. What else could you have done? Right? What else could you have done? You spoke from a true, honest, integral, heart centered place, And that that means that you save yourself so much possibility of regret because, you know, you didn't blow up at them, you didn't bite your tongue, you stood your sacred ground. And I think that's an incredibly empowering thing that is so conducive to inner peace, and, again, really affords us more capacity for that surrender that we talked about in the previous quote around trust and control. So those are my 3 quotes that I wanted to share with you. I hope that you got something out of those. I hope that you like them, love them as much as I do, and that they've given you something to reflect on today as you go about your day, move about the world. That the wisdom that I've borrowed and shared from those wonderful teachers has given you what you need today, whatever that looks like for you. So thank you so much for joining me.
[00:12:44]:
A reminder again, if you want to be part of Healing Anxious Attachment, the upcoming cohort, jump on the wait list. There's obviously no obligation around the wait list. It just does get you that early bird pricing, which is only available to folks on the wait list. Okay. That's all from me, guys. Thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next time.
[00:13:03]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, Relationships, Quotes, James Clear, Atomic Habits, Agency, Self Responsibility, Self Respect, Self Worth, Elizabeth Gilbert, Control, Anxiety, Surrender, Brene Brown, Boundaries, Integrity, Healing Anxious Attachment, Growth Mindset, Selfhood, Trust, Heart-Centered, Inner Peace, Maternity Leave, Cohort, Program
A Hard Truth About Setting Boundaries
In today's episode, we're talking about boundaries. Boundary setting is one of those areas that we hear about so much in the personal development world, and yet bridging the gap between theory and practice remains a challenge for most of the folks that I work with (particularly those with an anxious attachment style).
In today's episode, we're talking about boundaries. Boundary setting is one of those areas that we hear about so much in the personal development world, and yet bridging the gap between theory and practice remains a challenge for most of the folks that I work with (particularly those with an anxious attachment style).
We cover:
Why boundary setting is so hard for people with insecure attachment patterns
How anxious and avoidant attachment styles differ in boundary setting
The truth about boundaries in healthy relationships
How to navigate a fear that setting boundaries will lead to the relationship falling apart
A Hard Truth About Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship. They serve as markers that define where one person ends, and another begins, allowing for mutual respect and understanding. However, setting and upholding boundaries can be particularly challenging, especially for those with insecure attachment patterns. Let's explore why this is the case and uncover some hard truths about the process.
The Struggle with Boundaries
Many people find boundaries difficult to both set and maintain. This is often because they did not have healthy boundaries modelled during their formative years. Growing up without a clear blueprint of what boundaries look like, individuals may find themselves in adulthood either unable to establish personal limits or overly rigid in their approach.
If boundaries feel awkward or unnatural, it may be due to a lack of practice and understanding. Remember, enforcing boundaries isn’t about rigidly adhering to a list of rules but about knowing and communicating what feels acceptable and safe.
The Impact of Attachment Styles
Different attachment styles experience boundary-setting in diverse ways. For those with anxious attachment, the idea of setting a boundary can elicit fear. There's an underlying anxiety that enforcing a limit may lead to a loss of connection. This fear often leads to self-sacrifice, where personal discomfort is ignored to keep the peace and maintain the relationship.
Conversely, individuals with avoidant attachment may put up very strict, ironclad walls to protect themselves from perceived enmeshment and loss of self. These walls can be so rigid that they prevent genuine intimacy and connection. Healthy boundaries shouldn’t be so flexible that they’re non-existent, nor should they be so rigid they become barriers to intimacy.
Misconceptions and Hard Truths
A common misconception is to view rigid boundaries as a sign of security and confidence. In reality, boundaries formed out of fear and a need for self-protection do not equate to healthy self-assurance. True security in boundaries incorporates a balance, allowing for both personal space and connection without fear.
One hard truth about boundaries is that they often come with a cost. Particularly for the anxiously attached, the fear of not getting what one desires after setting a boundary can be a significant deterrent. The possibility of experiencing a loss of connection can make it tempting to forgo boundaries altogether. However, enduring discomfort and self-sacrifice for the sake of connection leads to anxiety and internal tension.
Navigating the Tension Between Self and Other
An important realisation is that true, healthy relationships do not ask one to choose between self-respect and connection with others. If advocating for oneself often results in the withdrawal of affection or connection, it serves as a warning sign. While this doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, it indicates that changes are needed to achieve a secure, emotionally safe relationship.
It’s essential to find a balance between advocating for personal needs and maintaining flexibility and understanding toward the other person. This isn’t about ultimatums but about knowing what non-negotiables are crucial for one’s sense of safety and wellbeing.
The Courage to Hold Firm
When setting a boundary, it’s crucial to decide whether the boundary matters enough that being in a relationship where it is not respected is unacceptable. This does not mean becoming rigid in every small request, but it means recognising and holding firm on what is fundamentally important.
It’s essential to follow through on communicated boundaries. Declaring a boundary without enforcing it weakens its impact and can lead to self-abandonment for the sake of preserving the relationship. True growth often requires courage and a commitment to one’s self-respect and emotional safety.
The Path to Authentic Connection
Understanding that relinquishing personal boundaries to maintain a semblance of connection is detrimental is liberating. Constantly sacrificing personal comfort and authenticity for the sake of keeping someone close leads to anxiety and insecurity.
Healthy relationships respect and value boundaries, fostering an environment where open communication and mutual respect thrive. Each step in setting and upholding boundaries builds a foundation for authentic, secure connections that honour both personal needs and mutual respect.
In summary, setting and upholding boundaries, particularly within the context of attachment styles, involves reflection, courage, and continuous practice. While it may initially seem daunting, the process ultimately leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships marked by mutual respect and genuine connection.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find it challenging to set boundaries in your relationships? What fears or anxieties come up for you when you think about setting boundaries?
Reflect on a time when you felt your boundaries were not respected. How did that experience impact your sense of safety and connection within the relationship?
How do you currently navigate the tension between maintaining a connection to others and staying true to your own needs and feelings?
Do you recognise a pattern of abandoning your own needs in order to keep the peace or maintain a relationship? How has this impacted your emotional well-being over time?
When you think about setting a boundary, do you worry about potential consequences, such as the loss of the relationship? How do these worries influence your actions?
Consider the types of boundaries you tend to have. Are they more diffuse and porous, or rigid and uncompromising? What are the effects of these boundary styles on your relationships?
Do you find yourself negotiating with your own comfort levels and needs in order to avoid conflict? How might this affect your long-term happiness and sense of self?
Is there a specific boundary that you know needs to be set in your life right now? What is stopping you from setting and upholding this boundary?
How might you start to practice better boundaries in small, manageable ways within your existing relationships? What steps can you take today to move towards healthier boundaries?
Reflect on the idea that a healthy relationship should not require you to choose between connection to self and connection to other. How has this perspective shifted your understanding of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
📣 FLASH SALE: Get my Better Boundaries masterclass for just US$30 (usually US$88)
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about boundaries, and specifically why you might struggle to set, uphold, and be on the receiving end of boundaries, particularly in your intimate relationships. So, boundaries are one of those areas that I think most of us will be relatively well acquainted with, at least on a surface level, if you spend any time in the personal development space. It's pretty hard to scroll through Instagram, at least if your algorithm looks anything like mine, and not encounter some sort of content around boundaries. And yet I know from speaking to so many people in my community, in my programs, that boundaries continue to be really challenging. And it's something that a lot of people, I think, have a theoretical grasp of, but, you know, the practical implementation, the doing piece, still feels really challenging. And I think oftentimes there is that gap between theory and practice in so much of this work, which is why, you know, so much of the magic is in taking those real life steps rather than just trying to read or listen our way to growth.
[00:01:36]:
So in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing a little bit on why boundaries feel hard for so many of us, particularly those of us with insecure attachment patterns at both ends of the spectrum. So despite what you may think, which is that boundaries are, you know, hard for anxiously attached people, but not so much for avoidant people, I would push back on that and say that I think boundaries are a challenge for both anxious and avoidant leaning people, although they can certainly look different. And I suppose also share some hard truths about boundaries because I think there are many misconceptions when it comes to boundaries, and sometimes we have to reckon with the reality that boundaries will come at a cost. And I think that's, you know, the great fear that underpins boundary setting for so many of us, particularly those of us with more anxious patterns, is that, you know, we'll set the boundary, and then we won't get what we want, so to speak. And then we'll have to deal with the consequences, which might be a loss of connection or something else that we desperately want to avoid. So talking through some of those pain points, I suppose, and validating how hard it is and why it feels so hard, but while also serving up some hard truths. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share, I moments before hitting the record button, I thought I might offer a special deal on my Better Boundaries masterclass.
[00:03:08]:
So you can go on to my website, and the masterclass is usually $88. I'm going to put it on sale for $30. You won't need a discount code or anything. I'm just going to modify the price at the checkout. So if you are interested in going a little deeper on the topic of boundaries and you wanna save, and we do the math off the cuff here, over 60% on on the cost of that masterclass, head to my website or click the link in the show notes, to grab the Better Boundaries Masterclass for just $30. Okay. So let's talk about why boundaries are hard. I think for most of us, we did not grow up with good boundaries.
[00:03:46]:
We did not have that modeled for us. We did not have a blueprint of what healthy boundaries look like. And so we tend to progress through to adulthood without really knowing what boundaries look or feel like. And that tends to go one of 2 ways. Either we are boundaryless, we have very porous or diffuse boundaries in that, you know, we let anyone in as much as they want. We have no sense of demarcation of what is okay for us, what we're comfortable with, And likewise, we are not terribly good at respecting or perceiving other people's boundaries, and so we want to be as much in their world as we possibly can, this idea of enmeshment. The other version of things, and this tends to align more with avoidant attachment patterns, is we're maybe afraid of enmeshment. Maybe that's been part of our family system or other relational experiences that we've had, And so we fear engulfment.
[00:04:44]:
We fear loss of self. And so we put up these ironclad walls to keep people at bay. And, you know, both of these versions of unhealthy boundaries, you know, the very diffuse, porous kind or the very rigid, uncompromising kind, Neither of those are healthy. And, you know, I'll just say as a side note, I think for people with more anxious attachment patterns, they can sometimes see their avoidant partner's very rigid boundaries, as, you know, an expression of security. Like, wow, there's a confident look at their boundaries. But you know, a very black and white boundary is not necessarily what we're going for here. That's not a sign of, you know, security if it's coming from this fear driven place of self protection at all costs. What we're really aiming for when we talk about healthy boundaries is something in the middle, as is so often the case.
[00:05:37]:
And people with a secure attachment tend to be pretty naturally good at this. They can advocate for themselves in, you know, what works for them, what doesn't, what they need, but they don't forget that there's someone else in that equation. And so there's this level of flexibility and an openness to maybe negotiate or understand another perspective rather than just kind of clamping down and saying, you know, it's my way or the highway laying down the law, or otherwise kind of collapsing altogether. So as you can see in these patterns, and particularly for more anxious people, what often emerges is this tension between connection to other and connection to myself. And if we think of a healthy boundary as being that feels so foreign and why it feels so hard. Because if you have more anxious attachment patterns, probably all you've ever really known is sacrificing connection to self in the interest of maintaining connection to other. We know that that's very much at the heart of anxious attachment is, so long as I'm connected to you, that's really all I need in order to feel safe, in order to feel happy, in order to feel valuable and worthy. And so I will do whatever I need to do.
[00:06:58]:
I will contort myself. I will swallow my words. I will override my discomfort with something in order to maintain the connection with you, even if that connection starts to look and feel like something that isn't really what I truly want or what I'm truly comfortable with, because I have this framework of, like, connection is better than no connection, no matter what that connection looks or feels like. So just really validating that if you have this more anxious attachment pattern, you may struggle to set boundaries to even think about doing it, because you have so much anxiety that the other person's not going to meet you in the boundary and be receptive to it, and that they're just gonna say, well, if that's your boundary, I'm not interested. I'm gonna walk away. And when the the cost feels so high, right, when you feel like the the consequence of setting your boundary could be the loss of the relationship, All of a sudden, the thing that you're wanting to set the boundary about starts to pale by comparison. You start to negotiate with yourself and go, well, do I really care that much about this thing that you know, has been bothering me? But if it means that I'm gonna lose the relationship, maybe I'll just stay quiet about it. Maybe I'll just sweep it under the rug.
[00:08:11]:
Maybe I'll just kind of suck it up and deal with it myself, because it's not that big a deal that it would be worth losing the relationship over. Right? That's often the internal dialogue. Now, that obviously begs the question of, like, what do we do with that? What do we do with this tension between connection to self and connection to other? And I think that a really important thing to understand, as I sort of alluded to, is that healthy relationships don't ask you to choose one of those two things. Right? If you are being made to choose between what feels safe to you, which is really what we're trying to lay down with the self advocacy of setting a healthy boundary. And you're feeling like to advocate for yourself in that way will likely lead to the withdrawal of the connection, whether through some sort of punitive measure like stonewalling or, you know, someone just withdrawing on you and going quiet, or getting very defensive, shutting down, or leaving the relationship altogether. But this sense of, If I step forward and take up space and advocate for myself, there's going to be some sort of adverse consequence in terms of our connection, then that is kind of I hesitate to use the term red flag. If you've listened for a long time, you know I don't tend to use that kind of language, but it is a bit of a warning sign that there are other things that are not, you know, working as they should in terms of the emotional safety of the relationship. Now does that mean that the relationship is doomed? No.
[00:09:42]:
A lot of us will not have, like, really wonderful emotional safety and security as a baseline if we're coming to a relationship with insecure attachment patterns. That's the whole point of this work, is that we need to learn and practice those things. But it is a sign that something needs to shift if you are wanting to build a secure relationship, because continuing with the status quo where you are afraid to advocate for what you need in order to feel safe and loved and secure, if you're afraid to speak those things and to stand firm on them because you're worried that you're going to be punished in some way with the withdrawal of love and connection, it's going to be very hard to ever feel emotionally safe, when that dynamic is present. So really recognising that this stuff is important, and that bargaining with yourself on, is this really worth losing the relationship over? Am I asking for too much? Should I just let it go and make myself be comfortable with something that I'm not comfortable with? I don't think that that path is going to lead you to the peace that you seek or the connection that you seek. It's likely to lead you to more anxiety and more internal tension, because the truth of what you are comfortable or not comfortable with, you know, it remains. And it's just you trying to silence that in the interest of holding onto, you some semblance of connection or relationship with someone, even if it's not on the terms or in the way that you truly desire. So all of that to say, and this is kind of where the hard truth comes in, there's no way and I I'll often get questions from people in the vein of how can I make sure that speaking my boundary and, you know, standing firm, enacting my boundary, it's probably more important than speaking? And I think oftentimes we speak it and then we don't follow through in our actions. We kind of declare this big boundary.
[00:11:41]:
And then if we get any pushback, we quickly try and backpedal and chip away at our boundary again, to hold onto that connection. But when setting a boundary in a relationship, you need to decide for yourself whether that boundary matters enough, that you are not willing to be in a relationship where that boundary is not respected. Okay? Now, of course, we're not talking about, like, any and every little request or boundary that we might speak to in a relationship. I'm not encouraging you to be, you know, really rigid and absolute about this. But if there are big things, things that you know are really fundamental and important to you, then you need to let them be fundamental and important to you. You need to let them be nonnegotiable, if that's what they truly are in your heart. And you need to get honest with yourself about the fact that you're not willing to be in a relationship where those things are not respected. And if that means that in communicating your boundary to someone about, you know, I am not willing to go on like this, here is what I need.
[00:12:56]:
Here is what I am going to do if this thing happens again. You need to be willing to follow through on that. You need to be committed enough to yourself that you're gonna follow through on that rather than being more committed to holding onto the connection and letting go of abandoning yourself, for the sake of of just holding on. I know that this is incredibly challenging. I have struggled with it my whole life, and it's not something that you're going to be able to switch overnight, but that really is the work. That is the crux of the challenge, particularly for more anxious folks around boundary setting, is that you need to recalibrate this whole conception of connection to other, connection to self, and recognise that if a connection with someone else requires that you let go of your connection to self, that you abandon yourself, that you lie to yourself, that is not the relationship that is going to bring you peace, that is going to bring you safety, that is going to bring you security. And, you know, there is grief and there is liberation in recognising that. So I hope that that has given you something to think about.
[00:14:18]:
I know that it's really tough. I know that you can probably hear this a 100 times. And if you're in that situation where you feel like things are on the brink and so you're really scared of saying the thing that needs to be said for fear of those consequences, I I totally understand, and I'm there with you in spirit and sending you so much love. This is really where your courage is required, and sometimes growth does really ask that we get very honest with what we want, what we need, who we are, really. What is authenticity to me in a relationship, and what am I willing to sacrifice just for the sake of holding on? And is it really worth what it's costing me, to hold on to someone when things that are fundamental to my sense of safety and my sense of self are not being respected in this relationship. So sending so much love, particularly to anyone who's struggling with this at the moment. It's really big work, but, you know, just taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and I'm, as I said, there with you in spirit.
[00:15:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
boundaries, insecure attachment, attachment patterns, personal development, intimate relationships, healthy relationships, emotional safety, connection to self, connection to other, anxious attachment patterns, avoidant attachment patterns, porous boundaries, rigid boundaries, Better Boundaries masterclass, self-advocacy, relationship dynamics, loss of connection, negotiation, enmeshment, engulfment, emotional security, self-protection, flexible boundaries, social media, practical implementation, relationship coach, family system, blueprint, stonewalling, setting boundaries, attachment theory.
3 Life Lessons I Wish I'd Learned Sooner
In today's episode, I'm sharing three life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. These are around the theme of self-awareness, personal responsibility and consciously creating the life that we want for ourselves.
In today's episode, I'm sharing three life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. These are around the theme of self-awareness, personal responsibility and consciously creating the life that we want for ourselves.
Last Chance to Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! - Kicking off 29 July 2024.
3 Life Lessons That Cultivate Self-Worth and Happiness
The journey to self-worth and happiness is neither quick nor easy. Significant life lessons often come from years of growth, reflection, and sometimes even hardship. Yet, certain insights can be transformative and invaluable when learnt earlier in life. Here are three important life lessons that revolve around self-worth, responsibility, and respect, which, when embraced, can significantly improve your relationship with yourself and others.
You Cannot Outrun Yourself
It's tempting to believe that changing external circumstances will resolve inner conflicts. Whether it's leaving a job, ending a relationship, or moving to a new city, it's easy to convince oneself that a change in scenery is the answer. However, the reality is that internal issues follow you wherever you go. The patterns and core beliefs you hold about yourself are deeply ingrained and will reappear in new situations unless they're addressed.
Understanding this can be empowering. It shifts the focus from external to internal, encouraging you to face and resolve the root causes of your unrest. By addressing core beliefs and undertaking the courageous work of healing, you can break free from recurring negative patterns. This internal work is essential for personal growth and building a fulfilling, stable life.
Inaction is a Choice for More of the Same
Choosing not to make necessary life changes can create an illusion of passivity, as if you're simply staying still. In reality, life is always in motion, and not taking action towards positive changes means you are subconsciously choosing to stay on the same path. This path will lead to more of what you currently experience, be it dissatisfaction, stress, or unfulfilment.
Reframe this passive stance by recognising that every day, through your actions and inactions, you're shaping your future. Evaluating your daily choices and habits can illuminate where you're inadvertently choosing more of the same. This awareness fosters a sense of responsibility and agency, propelling you towards the necessary changes that align with the life you wish to lead.
Self-Respect Must be Earned
Self-respect is not something granted externally; it is earned through the alignment of actions and values. Earning self-respect involves knowing your values and consistently acting in accordance with them. When your behaviour mirrors your values, integrity and self-respect naturally follow.
Reflect on moments where you've felt shame or discomfort after certain actions. Such feelings often indicate a misalignment between your behaviour and your values. While perfection is unattainable, diligently striving to close this gap leads to a more authentic and fulfilling relationship with yourself. Achieving self-respect requires effort and honesty, but it's a gratifying journey that fortifies your self-esteem and personal integrity.
Embrace Self-Responsibility for Lasting Change
Central to these life lessons is the concept of self-responsibility. Only by fully embracing the responsibility for your thoughts, actions, and their consequences can you enact meaningful and lasting change. Recognising that you are the architect of your life brings a powerful sense of agency.
Taking responsibility might be daunting, but it is the cornerstone of personal development. Every decision, no matter how small, is a step toward crafting the life you desire. By actively choosing actions that align with your values and desired outcomes, you gradually build a fulfilling and respectful relationship with yourself.
Cultivate Self-Worth and Thrive
These life lessons—acknowledging that you cannot outrun yourself, understanding that inaction is a choice for more of the same, and recognising that self-respect must be earned—are fundamental for personal growth. They guide you towards a deeper understanding of yourself and encourage a proactive approach to life's challenges.
Embracing these lessons fosters a sense of self-worth and helps cultivate healthier relationships with others. They inspire you to confront internal issues, take meaningful actions, and align your behaviour with your values. As you internalise these lessons, you'll find that your relationship with yourself transforms, paving the way for a more content and fulfilling life.
By understanding and applying these principles, you embark on a journey to greater self-awareness, responsibility, and respect. This journey, while challenging, holds the promise of deep personal satisfaction and authentic happiness. Embrace these lessons and watch as they enrich your life, helping you to overcome insecurity and build thriving, healthy relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever found yourself repeating the same relationship patterns despite changing partners or circumstances? What does this tell you about the internal work that might still be needed?
Reflect on a situation where you avoided making a necessary change. How did holding back affect your overall sense of fulfilment and self-respect?
Evaluate your current level of self-respect. Are your day-to-day actions aligned with your core values? Where do you see room for alignment and improvement?
Think back to a time when you acted out of alignment with your values. How did this impact your sense of self-worth and self-respect?
How do you currently handle feelings of discomfort or shame? Do you avoid facing them, or do you address the underlying causes?
In what ways do you find yourself blaming external circumstances for your unhappiness rather than taking self-responsibility? What changes could you make to shift this dynamic?
What beliefs or patterns from your past do you find most challenging to overcome? How can you start to reprogram these beliefs to create healthier relationships?
Reflect on an area in your life where you feel stuck. What small, actionable steps can you take today to start moving in a new direction?
How do you define self-respect for yourself? What are tangible actions you can take to cultivate it daily?
Visualise the kind of life and relationships you want. What actions and changes do you need to take now to start moving towards that vision?
These questions and prompts encourage self-reflection and action in alignment with the core themes of self-worth, self-respect, and self-responsibility discussed in the episode.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm sharing 3 pieces of advice or three life lessons that I wish I had learned sooner in life. Now, while I'm grateful to be relatively young and having learned these lessons, at least, you know, I think we're always learning and relearning lessons, but I feel like I've got a a reasonable grip on the 3 that I'm gonna share with you today. And while I'm grateful to have learned them relatively early on in life, I still wish I'd learned them sooner, and I think that I spent a lot of years in my late teens and early twenties flailing a little bit in terms of my relationship with myself and some of my relationships with others on account of not really having a grasp of these lessons. So these are all around the themes of self worth, self respect, self responsibility. And I think they're absolutely integral no matter where you sit on the attachment spectrum, no matter your age or situation or background. These are really foundational to any kind of positive relationship with self.
[00:01:30]:
So I'm looking forward to sharing these with you today. Before I dive into that, this is the final call to join the Secure Self Challenge, which, for those who are not familiar, is my 28 day challenge all about building self worth. We kick off next Monday, so about 5 days from when this will go live. And I would love to have you there. It's really short and sweet. It's very doable. It's kind of action oriented rather than really heavy theory and long lessons and lots of stuff to do. There's a strong community focus, so the community is already open.
[00:02:02]:
So if you were to sign up today, you would get an invite to the community where, you know, everyone is already sharing and connecting and getting to know each other. That's a space where you can also ask me questions and get feedback, and we've got a live call next week. So it's really great value. It's one of my most affordable actually, it is my most affordable live program, and I would absolutely love for you to be part of it. So if you're at all interested, definitely check it out. It's in the show notes. It's on my website, stephanierigg.com, and I would love to see you there. Okay.
[00:02:31]:
So let's dive into this conversation around 3 life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. Okay. The first one is you cannot outrun yourself, so wherever you go, there you are. I think this is so important because it's really easy for us to think that when we're in an unsatisfactory situation, relationship, job, whatever it might be, if you're feeling a bit stuck in life, particularly where there's a theme where it's kind of a recurring pattern and you've been there before, you've felt that way before, it's so easy to convince ourselves that changing the circumstances, leaving the relationship, or leaving the job, whatever, that doing that kind of outer work will resolve whatever inner conflict we're experiencing. And that's not to say that making environmental changes can't be part of that shift, that making healthier choices in terms of the relationships we're in or changing jobs if we're in a really toxic work environment, all of those things can be part of self growth. But if we're not actually addressing the root cause of how we got to where we are and what is it within us that has landed us in that pattern again and again, then there is every chance that you will find yourself in some version of that the next time around. It's it's very rare that without the self awareness and the intentional kind of reprogramming of those wounded parts of us, we're incredibly adept at recreating circumstances that bring us into contact with those things, that reaffirm our negative core beliefs about ourselves and that reflects those things back at us. So if you have a core belief that you are unworthy of being in a healthy relationship, there is every chance that you are going to subconsciously seek out partners who reinforce that belief and who leave you feeling like you are not worthy of a good relationship, that you have to prove yourself, that you have to earn love, that you are going to be rejected or abandoned or whatever in favor of someone else who is better than you.
[00:04:32]:
All of these things follow us. Those are unresolved things that really need our attention, and and we keep turning our back on these parts of us rather than doing the really scary but courageous work of actually facing it and opening the can of worms and going, okay, how did I get here? What is it within me? What happened in my past? What shaped me in this way so that I developed with these beliefs that have gotten me to this circumstance again and again and again. Now, it's not comfortable work, and that's why it's so easy to avoid, maybe to blame others or just to keep changing those external circumstances and running away from the problem, but when the problem is within us, there is no running away, there is no outrunning of you. So the first lesson that I wish I had learned earlier is wherever you go, there you are. Your patterns are coming with you unless and until you do the work to resolve them and to really learn a new way of being. Okay. The second one that I want to share with you is by not changing, by not making changes that you know you need to make, you are choosing more of the same. So what do I mean by this? I think that when we are not taking action towards a big life change, or maybe a little life change, right, it could be just habit change, and this isn't just about relationships, this could be something like having healthier habits around, like, diet and exercise.
[00:06:00]:
It could be anything. But I think we tell ourselves that by not making the changes that we know we need to make, we're doing nothing. We're staying still. We're staying stuck. But really, we're always in forward motion. Okay? So you're either in forward motion down the path that is leading you to more of what you want, being the kind of life you want, the kind of feelings you want to have about yourself, about others, about the world, fulfillment, joy, peace, self respect, all of those things, you're either walking down that path or you are walking down the path that is leading you to more of what you do not want. So that might be more of the same. But know that in not making the changes and not taking action towards those changes, you are choosing more of the same.
[00:06:48]:
So just reframing it from a passive to an active thing, I think, really wakes us up a bit to the self responsibility involved in that of, oh, okay. I'm not just staying still. It's not that I'm stagnant and passively existing in my life. Every day that I wake up and I just go through the motions of reenacting all of my habituated patterns, all of my conditioned ways of being, I make the choices that I know are not in service of how I want to live my life and the kind of life that I want. In doing those things, I am actively choosing more of the more of what is keeping me feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, anxious, stressed, burnt out, whatever it might be. You're choosing that by not making the changes that you know you need to make. So that is something that I absolutely wish I had learned sooner because I think that that would have jolted me a little into a bit more self responsibility, a bit more agency, having a bit of a wake up call of, like, this is on you. You can keep, like, living your life in this autopilot mode and making all of those changes, like, a down the track thing, you know, oh, I'll do that, like, next year or later when I have more time, when I can be bothered, or when things get really bad, whatever it might be.
[00:08:02]:
That's not just, like, saving it for later. That's choosing more of the same. It is walking further and further down the path that you don't want to be walking down. So be aware of that. Really audit. Where am I choosing a life that I don't want? And am I contributing every day through my actions, through my tendencies, through my habits, to the formation of a life that is not fulfilling to me? And what do I need to change today in order to change direction towards something that actually sounds good to me and sounds appealing to me in terms of the life that I want to be living. Okay. The third lesson that I wish I had learned earlier is that self respect is something that you have to earn.
[00:08:46]:
Now, I've spoken before on the podcast about self respect. I think that self respect is so, so important. I am far more interested in cultivating self respect than self love, not because I think there's anything wrong with self love, but I just think self respect is much more powerful in a really strong, authentic relationship with self. And for me, self respect is all about value alignment. So, am I showing up in a way that reflects my values? Do I know who I am? Am I comfortable with who I am? And do I act from that place? Or is there this big incongruence, this big gap between the kind of person I say I want to be and the way that I'm showing up? And I think it's a really good telltale sign that there is that gap if you often feel like shame, discomfort, embarrassment, humiliation about the way that you've acted after the fact. So if you've done something that feels really icky and out of alignment and you don't feel good about it, that's a good sign of, like, what is that telling me? Where have I not met my own standards for the kind of person that I want to be? And It's not about perfectionism, it's not about holding ourselves to an impossibly high standard of never making a mistake, but I think we all know when we're out of integrity, and self respect is just such an important thing to earn, and the good news is that you can earn it through the choices that you make and the actions that you take. You might notice that in each of these lessons that I'm sharing with you, there's a strong focus on actions and agency and self responsibility because I think that those things are really what is within our control. And so much of personal development advice is a bit abstract and really suffers from that.
[00:10:27]:
I think it's like, you know, stop comparing yourself to other people, and be kind to yourself, and be loving, and whatever. Those things can just feel so out of reach if all of that stuff is muscle memory, second nature, that's just so deep in your programming that you don't really know where to start. The actions that you take on a day to day basis are much more concrete, and they're kind of easier to shine a light on and easier to see where the choice is. So we can go, oh, there's actually capacity for me to start building out a new branch from the tree here. There's actually capacity for me to choose a new way with this action, and then the action after that, and then the action after that, and really just start that process of compounding that allows us to build out a new relationship with ourselves and a new way of being. So self respect is not something that is just going to magically appear in your life. It's not something that you can think into being. You really do have to earn it, and I think that that is a good thing.
[00:11:24]:
This is not like saying you need to earn someone else's love or earn someone's approval, which I think generally carries a negative connotation. When I say self respect needs to be earned, I think that is really calling you forth into a level of self responsibility and accountability in your relationship with yourself. And to the extent that you feel you're lacking self respect, there might be a reason for it. Okay? And that's kind of a hard truth that a lot of us maybe shy away from, but I think it's an important one. And certainly for me, And I've shared this before at the times in my life when I really lacked self respect. When I look back on it now, I think that that was exactly as it should have been because I wasn't behaving in a way that garnered self respect. I really wasn't, and I think that the discomfort that I felt with that, the lack of integrity, was a really important alarm bell that was pointing me towards where my work was. And I am so fortunate, and I'm so relationship with myself, because I can really comfortably say now that I do have that internal relationship of self respect, and that's so freeing.
[00:12:35]:
It contributes so much to a really embodied sense of self esteem. It's really being able to hand on heart say I'm comfortable with who I am, so that's been a huge one for me, and it's why I'm so bullish on self respect relative to other things like self love. So those were 3 life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. Just to recap quickly, it's wherever you go, there you are. You cannot outrun your patterns. They're coming with you until you, turn around and face them and do that courageous work of really tending to the parts of you that need your attention. The second one was by not making the changes that you know you need to make, you are actively choosing more of the same. So it's not just do nothing or make a change, it's continue walking down the path that I don't want to be walking down or walk down a different path.
[00:13:24]:
Okay? So really shifting into more of an active role there in the constant creation of whatever your life is. And the third one is that self respect is earned. So you need to actively do the work through your day to day actions of bringing your values and your choices, your behaviors into alignment so that you have that real sense of integrity. I really hope that that's been helpful. If you enjoyed today's episode, I really do encourage you to sign up to the Secure Self Challenge. This is very much in keeping with what we talk about there and the lessons that we're putting into practice over the 28 days of the challenge. So I would absolutely love to see you there if this is up your alley, as it is mine. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:14]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self worth, self respect, self responsibility, attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, life lessons, self awareness, inner conflict, core beliefs, personal growth, environmental changes, self growth, unresolved issues, subconscious patterns, negative core beliefs, relationship advice, self esteem, value alignment, integrity, self respect vs self love, self respect actions, self respect behaviors, self responsibility in relationships, changing habits, choosing life paths, improving self respect, self respect development
How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
We cover:
What resentment signals to us about ourselves
Why certain people are more prone to resentment
The link between resentment and poor boundaries, suppression of needs and avoiding conflict
How we can shift out of victimhood and take responsibility for our part in a dynamic
How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
Resentment is a common yet often misunderstood emotion that can significantly impact our relationships. While fleeting moments of resentment can be part of any relationship dynamic, chronic resentment can signal deeper issues that need addressing. Understanding the roots and implications of resentment can be a crucial step toward fostering healthier connections and personal well-being.
The Nature of Resentment
Resentment is characterised by a sense of internal frustration, victimhood, and powerlessness. It often arises when we perceive that someone is doing something to us, or failing to do something, that leads to a buildup of anger and bitterness. Unlike anger, which is usually expressed outwardly, resentment tends to fester internally, creating a toxic undercurrent in relationships.
People who struggle with articulating their needs, setting boundaries, or are conflict-averse are often more susceptible to resentment. Rather than openly addressing issues, they might keep their grievances to themselves, leading to an internalised sense of injustice and powerlessness. This internal harbouring of resentment can make it challenging to move forward and resolve conflicts constructively.
Resentment Beyond Romantic Relationships
It's important to note that resentment isn't confined to romantic relationships. It can manifest in various relational contexts — be it with a coworker, a boss, or even within family dynamics. Regardless of the context, the underlying feelings and their ramifications can be quite similar.
When resentment becomes a recurring theme, it demands introspection and a willingness to dissect what is truly happening beneath the surface. This involves examining not only the immediate triggers but also our habitual responses to those triggers.
The Impact on Relationships
Resentment acts like a dirty pane of glass between partners, obscuring clear communication and connection. When resentment is left unchecked, it can create a murky atmosphere where misunderstandings and emotional distance become the norm. This metaphor highlights the importance of keeping our relational "glass" as clean as possible to maintain healthy and open lines of communication.
One of the most insidious aspects of resentment is the sense of powerlessness that often accompanies it. This feeling can reinforce a victim mindset, making it difficult to see the situation from a more empowered perspective. It's easy to focus on what others are doing wrong or failing to do, which places our happiness and well-being outside of our control. This externalisation can lead to a cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction.
Taking Ownership
A critical step in addressing resentment is shifting from a victim mindset to one of personal responsibility and empowerment. This doesn't mean excusing someone else's poor behaviour but rather examining our own role in the dynamic. Reflecting on questions like, "Where have I not respected myself?" or "What have I not communicated?" can provide insight into how we've contributed to the situation.
Often, resentment is a signal that something important has been left unsaid or unaddressed. This might be a difficult conversation, an unexpressed need, or a boundary that hasn't been enforced. Acknowledging and confronting these areas can often be the first step toward resolving underlying tensions.
Moreover, it's essential to explore whether our expectations of others are realistic and communicated effectively. Sometimes, we may harbour unspoken rules or expectations that, when unmet, lead to feelings of resentment. By clearly expressing our needs and setting realistic expectations, we can mitigate the buildup of these negative feelings.
Practical Steps to Combat Resentment
Overcoming resentment involves both internal and external work. Internally, it's about shifting our mindset from one of disempowerment to taking active steps toward our own well-being. This might include:
Self-Reflection: Regularly checking in with ourselves to understand what we're truly feeling and why.
Boundary Setting: Clearly defining and communicating our boundaries to others.
Self-Care: Prioritising our well-being and not relying solely on others for our happiness.
Externally, it involves open communication and assertiveness:
Honest Conversations: Addressing issues directly with the people involved, rather than letting them fester.
Feedback and Requests: Clearly articulating what we need from others, rather than assuming they should know.
Conflict Resolution Skills: Developing the ability to navigate and resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner.
Embracing Empowerment
Shifting from resentment to empowerment is a journey that requires patience and practice. It's about reclaiming our agency and recognising that we have more control over our situations than we might initially believe. By prioritising our own well-being and taking active steps to address underlying issues, we can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Resentment need not be a permanent fixture in our relational landscape. By engaging in intentional self-reflection, open communication, and proactive boundary setting, we can clear the emotional debris that clouds our connections and move towards a more empowered and fulfilling way of relating to others.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you frequently find yourself feeling resentful in your relationships? Where do you think this feeling stems from, and how does it affect your interactions with others?
Can you recall a situation where you felt particularly resentful towards someone? Reflect on how you managed that feeling and what, if anything, you did to address it.
In what ways do you struggle with articulating your needs or boundaries in your relationships? How might this contribute to feelings of resentment?
Do you recognise any patterns of conflict avoidance or peacekeeping in your behaviour? How does this impact your sense of empowerment and communication in relationships?
Think of a time when unspoken expectations led to feelings of resentment. How could clearer communication have altered the outcome of that situation?
Reflect on the concept of "internal empowerment" discussed in the episode. How do you currently take ownership of your well-being, and where could you improve?
When faced with a problematic behaviour in others, do you find yourself falling into a victim mindset? How can you shift towards taking constructive action for your own peace?
Consider a scenario where you successfully set a boundary or had a difficult conversation. What did you learn from this experience, and how can it be applied to other areas of your life?
How do you perceive the balance between setting realistic expectations of others and advocating for your needs? What strategies can help you maintain this balance?
Imagine letting go of a "cloak of resentment" as described in the episode. What actions or mindset shifts are necessary for you to feel more empowered and less resentful in your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Kicking off 29 July 2024.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about resentment and what to do if you're feeling resentful in your relationship. So I think that resentment is unfortunately extremely common in relationships. And while it doesn't always, you know, mean that there's something wrong, like, we might experience moments of resentment in an otherwise healthy and secure relationship. If resentment is a really common occurrence for you, it's something that you feel a lot of the time and maybe you felt it in every relationship you've ever had or it's a big part of your life to feel resentful, then it is definitely something that we wanna get a bit curious about and understand a little more because as we'll talk about today, there's a lot to be learned about the situation and about your response to a situation by interrogating, in a gentle way, what's going on for us when we're harboring a lot of resentment towards a partner. And, you know, I should say, even as I'm saying this, it's not only something that we can experience in a romantic relationship. So, if you're feeling resentful in a coworker, a boss, there is much to be gained from understanding what is really going on for you there and what you might be able to do about it.
[00:01:46]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder that my Secure Self Challenge is kicking off in less than 2 weeks. We've already got over 50 people signed up and would absolutely love for you to join us if you are someone who's interested in learning more about building the pillars of security within yourself, self worth. It's a 28 day challenge, and each week is themed around one of those pillars. So we go self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's very much a welcoming space for all, and there's a strong community focus. So last time, there was a very vibrant, online community, and, you know, people really connected with one another and were hugely supportive of each other's shares and insights.
[00:02:35]:
And it was really such a beautiful thing for me to witness everyone really thriving and and growing in community together. And so if you're interested in joining, early bird pricing is available for the next 48 hours. Definitely encourage you to check it out. Would love to see you there. It's one of my most affordable offers, and, yeah, I would love to see you there. So definitely go check it out if you're interested. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around resentment.
[00:02:57]:
As I said in the introduction, I think that there's a lot to be learned when we experience resentment in a relationship. I think there's a very specific kind of feeling tone to resentment, and it's this sense of, you know, internal frustration and kind of victimhood, powerlessness, this sense that someone is doing something or not doing something to us, and we have this anger and frustration towards them, but there's this really internal experience to resentment. I think that those of us who struggle with directly articulating needs or boundaries or requests, giving feedback, maybe those of us who are conflict diverse, who tend towards keeping the peace rather than, you know, getting everything out in the open, advocating for ourselves. I think if you fall into that bucket, that type of person, then you're probably more susceptible to struggling with resentment than is someone who is very direct, and as soon as they're bothered by something, they raise it. There is this internal harboring of her stories and, as I said, like victimhood and this sense of being aggrieved by someone, but that there's nothing that you can do about it, and so you just sort of stew on it internally. Now as I'm saying that, I'm sure the the vast majority of people will have had some experience of resentment, and so you can probably recall that feeling and, you know, how icky it is in your body, how toxic it is in a relational context, and to have all of that kind of bubbling under the surface. I really like the analogy, not just the context of resentment, but more broadly in relationships of a pane of glass. If there was a pane of glass between us, how clean or grubby is that pane of glass? With the metaphor kind of meaning that if the glass is really clean, then everything's good.
[00:04:49]:
The channels of communication are open, you're feeling really connected. But if the glass is really dirty, grubby, there's there's marks all over it, you can't really see each other, then that's maybe pointing to there being things that need addressing in the relationship. And I think resentment is something that makes the glass pretty murky, pretty grubby. And so I think that we do need to really reflect on, you know, what resentment does to a relationship. And I think one of the tricky things about it is when we're in this mindset of feeling really resentful towards someone, it typically goes hand in hand with feeling powerless. And I think that's one of the key things that we can take away from a feeling of resentment, that we can really learn from it, is that we've given away our power or we've placed that outside of ourselves, and we're really focusing on the things that other people are doing, whether that's to us or that they're not doing that we think they should be doing and we're feeling judgmental of them about it. But we've generally placed our happiness, our well-being, our sense of empowerment outside of ourselves. And then we're feeling really sorry for ourselves and kind of salty about the fact that someone's not playing by the rules that we've created.
[00:06:02]:
And as I alluded to, oftentimes these are unspoken rules, just expectations that we have of how things should be, how people should act, and then we stew on that when it doesn't all go to plan. So I should pause there and say, this is not about, you know, giving other people a free pass. It's not about saying that someone's behavior, if it is, you know, not okay and that will look different in all different circumstances, so I'm not gonna fill in the blanks for you on what, you know, good and bad behavior is. Because, you know, outside of very clear bright lines, we all have different tolerances for different behaviors, and that's okay. It's about figuring out what works for you and what doesn't work for you. So it's not about or if you're feeling resentful of someone's behavior, me saying to you that that's a really good sign that there's work for you to do there is not to say their behavior is actually fine and they can carry on doing whatever they want because it's your problem, not theirs. I think that when we flip flop between that very, like, binary dualistic thinking of, well, who's at fault here? That's really missing the point. And and what we wanna be doing is stepping outside of that framework altogether where we're trying to find the bad guy and actually just going, okay, what's within my control? What is my part in this? What can I take responsibility for? What can I take ownership over? And I think generally in shifting into that frame of mind, we realize we have a lot more choice than we otherwise did.
[00:07:29]:
When we're in that victim mode, when we're in a lot of fear, we typically feel like we have no choice and no options. And that only exacerbates our sense of powerlessness and fear and anger and resentment because we think that someone else has trapped us in an unfulfilling situation, life, relationship, whatever it might be. So it's not about excusing their behavior. It's not about saying, like, actually, you have no reason to feel resentful or pissed off because it's all on your shoulders. But it is about going, okay, where have I maybe not respected myself here? Where have I not advocated for myself? Where have I not set a boundary? Where have I not said the thing that needs to be said? Where have I not stated a need? What have I done to contribute to the status quo here which is leaving me feeling resentful? The the biggest situation or dynamic because it is very, very rare. I would say almost never happens that one person has no role whatsoever and is just totally So recognizing So recognizing that oftentimes when we're struggling with feelings of resentment, it is because we have not said something. And it comes back, as I said, to that thing of we're keeping it all inside and then feeling really angry and bitter about it. So, if you're feeling resentful, there's often something that has been neglected that is being unsaid, that is being swept under the rug that maybe you are avoiding.
[00:09:04]:
And, you know, there can be really understandable reasons for avoiding difficult conversations, difficult topics for confronting someone, asking them for an honest response to a question that you're scared to ask. All of these things can be daunting, and I really do understand and have sympathy for that. But at the same time, your peace does not come from collapsing into resentment and powerlessness and victimhood. I really promise you that. So if you are feeling resentful about something, really reflect on, how have I contributed to this? What am I not saying? What am I not doing for myself? Because maybe you have said something. I know a lot of people might be thinking, I did tell them what I needed or I did set the boundary and they're still doing this or they're still not doing that. And so now I just feel so exasperated and fed up and overwhelmed and at my wits end because I feel like I've done my part and they're not playing along. So what am I meant to do now? Again, it's that feeling of, like, having exhausted all of your options and then blaming them for the fact that you're feeling powerless.
[00:10:11]:
Again, I really understand this. I relate to it. But there's still a lot of story in that, and there's still, you know, a lot of blame and projection in that. And that's actually good news because it means that there's more choice and there's more agency in the situation than you realize. So shifting out of that mindset and just putting it to one side for a second and going, Okay. Is that really true that I don't have any other options? That it's all on them and my happiness resides in their behavior, whether they choose to do something or not. How they show up, how they behave towards me gets to determine whether or not I'm happy and at peace in my life. That's a really skewed way of being.
[00:10:59]:
And for a lot of us, that's all we've ever known. So it might be a bit like, what what else am I meant to do? Right? That's that's just reality for me is that my sense of well-being, my sense of happiness is determined by what my partner does or what the people that are close to me, how they behave. And recognizing the kind of codependent patterns that can exist in that, this sense of I have to control your behavior or influence your behavior in order for me to feel okay because those things are so inextricably linked in my in my mind, in my body. So reflecting on that. Reflecting on what is my role here, what can I give to myself, how can I kind of take the situation back into my own hands, how can I create a sense of empowerment, How can I prioritize my own well-being here rather than outsourcing that to someone else and then resenting them for not doing what I want them to do, and really shifting back into that kind of internal leadership role where you are in the driver's seat of your own experience, rather than being in the passenger seat of someone else's and blaming them for going in the wrong direction? So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that that might feel easier said than done, and it certainly is. All of this stuff is easier said than done. But it's such an important thing to reflect on when we have these patterns of, you know, feeling really at the mercy of someone else in our relationships.
[00:12:32]:
As I said, for a lot of us, that's just so normal that we don't know any other way, but it's actually not healthy to feel that way. And so starting to shift out of that, and it's not about becoming indifferent to someone else. It's not, as I said, saying that, like, they can just do whatever and I'm going to be unaffected by it, but it's recognizing that you can take really good care of yourself, and that'll mean a lot of different things. So it's deciding how near or far you want to be to someone else's behaviour if that behaviour is causing you hurt and pain. But just allowing yourself to stay stuck and then being resentful that nothing's changing or that someone's continuing to do something or hasn't started doing the thing that they said they were going to do. It's not a nice place to be. It's not good for your health, your well-being, your sanity. Again, speaking from experience, I know what that feels like.
[00:13:24]:
So my invitation to you is really to almost imagine you're taking off a really heavy cloak and go, oh, I'm gonna take off that cloak of resentment and just see what else might exist here, what other possibilities exist here, whether it's a conversation that needs to be had, whether it's some steps you need to take for yourself, some space and time away, or just a shift in focus and mindset. Just see what becomes possible when you consciously decide to shift gears away from that mode of of resentment, of stuckness, of disempowerment. Because I promise you there's a lot more to be gained on the other side of that than there is by swirling around in that pool of resentment. Okay. I hope that that has given you something to think about. I hope it's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and ratings. I do read every single one of them and they always bring a smile to my face.
[00:14:18]:
Always so touched by all of the people that tune in and finding some solace in the podcast. So thank you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
resentment, relationship resentment, overcoming resentment, attachment styles, romantic relationships, coworker resentment, boss resentment, secure self challenge, self worth, self compassion, self care, self respect, self trust, setting boundaries, articulating needs, conflict avoidance, internal frustration, powerlessness, victimhood, harbouring resentment, communication in relationships, addressing resentment, relational context, reflecting on resentment, empowerment in relationships, codependency, controlling behaviour, mental well-being, emotional health, relationship dynamics.
5 Traits To Look For in a Partner
In today's episode, we're unpacking five traits that everybody should be looking for in a prospective partner. It's so easy when dating to become swept up in a connection and inadvertently overlook some of the fundamental attributes we should all be seeking in a relationship.
In today's episode, we're unpacking five traits that everybody should be looking for in a prospective partner. It's so easy when dating to become swept up in a connection and inadvertently overlook some of the fundamental attributes we should all be seeking in a relationship.
The five traits we discuss in this episode are:
Emotional self-awareness
Integrity and trustworthiness
Consistency, reliability and dependability
Humour and playfulness
Kindness
5 Traits To Look For in a Partner for a Thriving Relationship
Finding a life partner is one of the most significant decisions we make. The foundation of a healthy and long-lasting relationship often rests on the qualities we choose to prioritise in our partner. Here are five essential traits to look for in a prospective partner to ensure a secure, joyful, and meaningful connection.
1. Emotional Self-Awareness and Maturity
Emotional self-awareness is a cornerstone of any strong relationship. A partner with this trait understands their feelings and reactions, and recognises how past experiences shape their current behaviours. They can reflect on why they feel triggered by certain things and are willing to take responsibility for their emotions. Emotional maturity is not about being completely "healed" but rather about being on a continuous journey of self-discovery.
This trait is critical because it ensures that both partners can communicate effectively, apologise when necessary, and navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life together. Without emotional self-awareness, misunderstandings can escalate, leading to unresolved conflicts and hurt feelings.
2. Integrity
Integrity might sound like a given, but it's often overlooked in the context of relationships. True integrity is about alignment between one's words and actions, trustworthiness, and a clear sense of who they are. It's about internal consistency – knowing and living by one's values.
A partner with integrity creates a foundation of trust and safety. You can rely on them to be honest and to follow through on their commitments. This reliability alleviates anxiety and fosters a sense of security, allowing both partners to flourish individually and together. When integrity is present, it feels like a breath of fresh air, providing a safe landing where both partners can authentically be themselves.
3. Consistency and Reliability
Consistency and reliability are indispensable in any relationship. The chaos of unpredictability can create an atmosphere of anxiety and insecurity. A dependable partner, on the other hand, offers stability. Their actions are predictable, and you can trust that they will be there for you when needed.
This trait is especially crucial for individuals with anxious attachment styles, who may be particularly sensitive to inconsistency. However, everyone benefits from a stable and predictable environment, as it minimises stress and allows for deeper emotional bonds to form. Inconsistencies can make anyone feel unsettled, so finding a partner who embodies these traits is essential for long-term happiness.
4. Humour and Playfulness
While emotional depth and seriousness have their place, a healthy relationship thrives on moments of lightheartedness and fun. Shared laughter can be incredibly bonding, providing a break from the daily grind and revealing the joy of simply being together.
A partner with a good sense of humour brings warmth and playfulness into the relationship, helping to diffuse tension and build a sense of camaraderie. It's not always about having deep conversations; sometimes, the most profound connections are built through shared jokes and playful banter. Humour acts as a counterbalance to the challenges that life inevitably throws our way, making the journey together much more enjoyable.
5. Kindness and Warmth
Kindness is a trait that cannot be overstated. In the hustle and bustle of life, simple acts of kindness and thoughtfulness can often fall by the wayside. Yet, feeling cared for and valued by your partner is fundamental to a healthy relationship.
A kind partner speaks lovingly, goes out of their way to help when needed, and treats you with genuine respect. This trait nurtures emotional safety, fostering an environment where both partners feel secure and cherished. Especially in long-term relationships, maintaining kindness can be challenging but is crucial for enduring love and connection.
Cultivating These Traits in Yourself
While it's essential to seek these traits in a partner, it's equally important to cultivate them within oneself. Emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humour, and kindness are qualities that anyone can develop with intention and practice. When both partners strive to embody these traits, it creates a reciprocal dynamic that strengthens the relationship.
Building a Strong Foundation Together
Ultimately, the goal is to build a relationship where both partners feel secure, valued, and understood. By prioritising these traits, individuals can create a sturdy foundation that supports mutual growth and happiness. Emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humour, and kindness are the building blocks of any thriving relationship, setting the stage for a loving and lasting partnership.
Remember, no one is perfect, and relationships are a continuous work in progress. However, by focusing on these crucial traits, you can align yourself with a partner who complements your journey, encouraging a connection that is both deep and enduring.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you define emotional self-awareness and maturity in your own words? Do you believe you embody these traits in your relationships? Reflect on examples where you have showcased these qualities and moments where you might have fallen short.
Think about the value you place on integrity in a relationship. Can you recall instances when you felt a strong sense of alignment and honesty with a partner? Conversely, have you experienced relationships where a lack of integrity led to distrust or conflict?
Reflect on the role consistency and reliability play in your relationships. Do you find yourself more anxious in relationships where these qualities are lacking? How has this impacted your sense of security?
Consider how humor and playfulness contribute to the dynamics of your relationship. Do you prioritise moments of fun and laughter? How do you think humor can alleviate tension and strengthen your bond with a partner?
Kindness seems simple but crucial. How do you practice kindness in your relationship? After listening to the episode, do you feel your relationship has enough of this foundational trait? Think about ways you can incorporate more acts of kindness daily.
Recall a time when your partner’s emotional availability made a significant difference in your relationship. How did it affect your connection and communication?
Reflect on the importance of follow-through and living by your values. Do you and your partner consistently align your actions with your words? How can you improve integrity within your relationship?
How comfortable are you with being vulnerable and addressing past wounds that may surface in your relationship? Do you feel your partner supports you in this process of self-discovery and healing?
Sometimes long-term relationships can lose the element of fun. What steps can you take to reintroduce playfulness and joy into your relationship? Reflect on activities you both enjoy that foster a sense of connection and relaxation.
Finally, evaluate your current or past relationships against the five traits discussed: emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humor, and kindness. Which areas are strong, and which need more work? How can you actively cultivate these traits to enhance your relationship?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Kicking off 29 July 2024.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 5 traits to be looking for in a prospective partner or to be prioritizing when looking for a partner. So this is an episode that I've wanted to do for a while, but I put the call out on Instagram earlier this week and asked people what traits they found most attractive in a partner. And I was pleased to see that most of the responses that I got aligned with the list that I had going. And so I'm gonna be talking through some of those today, but, you know, if you were someone who responded to my Instagram call out earlier in the week, then thank you for your contribution. It's played a part in putting this episode together. So gonna be talking about this.
[00:01:12]:
And, of course, if you're already in a relationship, I suppose today's episode is, in part, 5 things that are really valuable traits in a partner that you can seek to embody and also that you can prioritize fostering in your own relationship if you're already in 1. Now before I dive into today's episode, you might have seen me mention if you do follow me on Instagram or you're on my email list, that my secure self challenge, which I launched for the first time at the start of this year, I am opening that up again at the end of the month. The first round that we ran back in February was so great. I was really, really pleasantly surprised by how much everyone got into it. It was a really vibrant community. So for anyone who doesn't know, it's a 28 day challenge. Unlike my courses, which are a bit more, I suppose, educational in focus, the challenge is shorter audio only lessons with a theme each week around the umbrella topic of building self worth, and we break that down into self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust over the 4 weeks. And it's really giving you something to think about on each of those topics and then some homework for you to go off and really reflect on those things, put it into action, and then a really vibrant community space for you to connect with everyone else.
[00:02:27]:
So if you're at all interested in that, we kick off at the end of the month. We've already got about 35 people signed up in the past couple of days, which is great, and I would love for you to be there. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's really just around this theme of building a really strong sense of self, which is work that we should all, I think, be doing, and it can be a huge benefit to you no matter where you sit. So if you're interested in signing up to that, the link's in the show notes, or you can go straight to my website. That should all be relatively easy to find. The early bird pricing is available for the next 5 days or so. Okay.
[00:02:59]:
Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around 5 traits that you should be looking for in a prospective partner. Now the first 1 was, you know, self awareness, emotional maturity, emotional availability, that kind of thing. So I think this is really important because, you know, if you are someone who is doing the work to understand yourself better, and you are someone who is really interested in personal development and growth and all of those things. While I've said many times before, your partner doesn't have to be on that path in the exact same way that you are, they don't have to listen to relationship podcasts in order to be a good person, It does really help if someone has the capacity and willingness to reflect on how their past has influenced their present, the things that are wounds within them or their sensitivities, why does something trigger them, Why are their conditioned patterns the way they are? And having some degree of self responsibility and accountability around those things, the ability to reflect on that and communicate about it, I think is hugely important to creating a safe, secure relationship because those things will come up. And so if you're in a relationship with someone who, you know, is getting triggered by things, as we all do, to be clear, it's not about finding someone who is quote unquote healed. I don't think that person exists. And I should say, I did receive a few responses from people on Instagram saying, I'm looking for someone who's healed all of their wounds, basically, who's completely healed their childhood stuff.
[00:04:34]:
And I just don't know that that's a fair standard to set. I think that's an incredibly high bar, and I think we're all a work in progress. But I suppose how we might reframe that is wanting to find someone who is in progress in the sense that they are aware of themselves. They are aware of how those things have influenced them. Because I think without that, you're gonna really struggle to work through the ways that you might rub against each other the wrong way, the ways that your respective wounds interact, and they will because that's what romantic relationships do. Right? They really bring us into contact with these most vulnerable, tender parts of us. If someone's in total denial and avoidance about that, they don't wanna talk about it, they don't wanna look at it, they're very insistent that there's nothing to see there. While we can have some sympathy for that and understand that that in and of itself is, an adaptation, there's protective benefit to denial.
[00:05:33]:
It can be really hard to be in relationship with, particularly if you are someone who, wants to go into those things, who wants to understand more of that within yourself, and to be in relationship with someone who has that degree of self awareness. So prioritizing someone who has a degree of emotional literacy, emotional self awareness, who's willing to reflect and take accountability for their own sensitivities, I think is a really attractive trait and something to look for in a partner. Okay. The next 1 is integrity. So integrity for me would be near top of the list, and I think that this is 1 that, you know, some people might not think of or they might not really understand what that means in the context of a relationship. I think, as a side note, integrity is hugely important as a trait to cultivate within yourself, and I think when we lack integrity, we typically lack a sense of self respect and a clear sense of who we are, authenticity. So, for me, and this is not the singular definition of integrity, but for me integrity is a sense of alignment and wholeness, authenticity. It's actions and words line up.
[00:06:43]:
It's follow through. It's honesty, trustworthiness. All of this to me comes under the banner of integrity. Can I feel who you really are in your presence? Is there this sense of safety within you? Do you know who you are? Do you know what your values are, and do you live by them? So I think, again, it's not about holding people to an impossible standard of perfection. People slip up. People are not always totally honest and transparent. People make mistakes and do things they're not proud of, and that's okay. But I suppose part of integrity is taking ownership and righting your wrong, so to speak, And integrity is a quality that I think fosters so much safety.
[00:07:25]:
So if you're with someone and you can feel their sense of integrity, your whole system is gonna relax. Whereas if you are feeling hypervigilant and unsure and all of those things, it might be because this person lacks really clear integrity and, you know, a really clear sense of internal alignment and presence and self respect and honesty and all of those things, trustworthiness, that sometimes you can't necessarily place your finger on it. But I think integrity, when it's there and you can feel it, it is such a soothing quality, and it's really something to prioritize in a partner because it just creates so much safety. It's like a breath of fresh air. It's a a safe landing for you that if you've never experienced that, and a lot of people won't have if you've typically dated people who are flaky and inconsistent and unreliable, You may not know what integrity feels like, but I think that there is, yeah, a a great degree of safety that comes from being in relationship with someone whose sense of integrity you can really feel. So look for someone with integrity. And if that feels abstract, we're looking for things like honesty, like alignment between words and actions, like a clear sense that this person knows who they are, what they value, what they care about, and they live by those things. So those are the ones to look out for when we're looking for someone who embodies a sense of integrity.
[00:08:48]:
Okay. Next, consistency, reliability, dependability. These came up a lot as well, and I think they're hugely important for obvious reasons. I've talked at length so many times about what inconsistency does to us, and inconsistency creates anxiety. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment, you are going to be particularly sensitive to any perceived inconsistency in someone's behavior. But even if you aren't anxiously attached, like, inconsistency makes us crazy. An unpredictable environment creates hyper vigilance, and that's a very natural, and I would say adaptive response to to an unpredictable environment or an unpredictable relationship. If I don't know what's coming next, then I have to be really on high alert for any possible eventuality because there isn't that sense of stability and predictability.
[00:09:33]:
So being with someone who is consistent, who, you know, is available, it might not be as exciting as the roller coaster ride of someone who's really hot and cold. And most people would say, consciously, they don't want that, and yet we so often tolerate connections that don't possess this quality of consistency, reliability, dependability. So look for those qualities. Look for someone who is stable, who is consistently available rather than coming and going, leaving you guessing. Look for someone who doesn't leave you with a lot of unanswered questions and that sense of anxiety and doubt and worry and uncertainty about where you stand, all of those things. You know, there can be such a conditioned familiarity with those feelings that we don't even really register them as a problem because they might just be so normal to you and your relational history. And certainly, again, if you're more anxiously attached, inconsistency is a really core part of the origin story of anxious attachment, and you can go back and listen to episodes around what causes anxious attachment. I've got stuff on that.
[00:10:43]:
But, yeah, we really need to unlearn that, thinking that inconsistency and volatility and unpredictability is normal, and seek out someone who you can rely on, who's going to really be there, who doesn't leave you guessing, who doesn't leave you wondering how they're feeling or what they're thinking or whatever. Right? You know, really lean into that quality of consistency, stability, safety, predictability. It is like a soothing balm for your system. Okay. Next 1, humor. This came up a lot, and I think it is so important. Someone that you can laugh with and play with and have fun with. I think if you're accustomed to relationships that feel stressful, it's really easy to overlook the importance of lightness in a relationship, of warmth, of fun, of lightheartedness.
[00:11:34]:
But that stuff is like medicine and really is so regulating for you. So being with someone that you can have fun with, that you can joke around with, that you have a similar sense of humor with, that really creates such a sense of safety in your system without even really needing to try. It's not that kind of serious emotional safety that comes with having a deep conversation, which, you know, is important as well, but it's effortless safety that comes with humor and play and fun. And I think that that's a really important thing to prioritize in your relationship as a really key pillar of that. That sense of friendship alongside the romantic connection that allows a relationship to be really enduring and allows you to feel that sense of being able to be your authentic self and let your guard down because it doesn't have to be so serious all the time. I think humor is a really powerful antidote to some of that more serious stuff that can come with relationships, particularly if you, you know, do struggle with various insecurities or or challenges. Having a good dose of humor in there and play and fun is so, so important. So definitely look for someone who you can laugh with, who you can have fun with.
[00:12:42]:
And if you're in a relationship already and that feels a little lacking, try to really actively cultivate it. Try not to be so bogged down in the heaviness all the time. Try to counterbalance that with some fun, with some lightness. Okay, and last but certainly not least is kindness. So I think that we can really overlook this. The importance of kindness, it almost seems so simple and obvious that it maybe doesn't make the list or isn't front of mind. But kindness is so important. Feeling like someone who really cares about you, speaks fondly both to you and about you, goes out of their way, someone who is thoughtful, who's caring, feeling all of those things in relationship with the person who you love most, I think is so, so important.
[00:13:28]:
And particularly, you know, if this is in a dating context, you've got to have that at least at the start. Right? We want all these things to be enduring, but I think we do get a little sloppy in longer term relationships, and we can take our partner for granted. So absolutely all of these things, I should say, we wanna be seeing all of these and more at the start when people are on their best behavior. But as the relationship goes on, if you're in a relationship, like, kindness is just so, so important. And if your partner is not treating you kindly, or you're not treating your partner kindly, and I think it can go both ways if the relational environment altogether has become a little strained, we can forget things like kindness and warmth and care and, you know, tenderness towards each other. That can fall by the wayside because we do get, you know, wound up in all of the things that aren't working, all the things we're stressed about, or whatever. Prioritising something like kindness and really looking for a partner who is kind to you, it sounds like a no brainer, but it's really 1 to actively keep front of mind. Again, particularly if you're dating and you're not feeling that sense of, like, consistent kindness and warmth from someone, I think you have to pause and go, okay, what am I actually pursuing here and why? If I don't feel like I can check these kind of basic foundational boxes, so look for someone who's kind.
[00:14:51]:
Okay. So that was 5 traits to look for in a partner, 5 traits to cultivate in your relationship, in yourself, I suppose, if you're already in a relationship. Just to recap, that was emotional self awareness, maturity, sense of integrity, and, you know, alignment between words and actions and values. Consistency, reliability, and dependability, knowing that you can really count on someone humor and fun and play and kindness and warmth. So I hope that that has given you something to think about. Maybe that's really affirming that you're on the right track if you're already prioritising connections with people who embody these traits. Or maybe you're seeing that the scorecard is a little skewed and you've been pursuing connections with people who don't so much embody these traits, and maybe you've been feeling anxious and insecure as a result of that, and maybe that's given you a bit of an insight into why that might be. So really reorienting towards these fundamental attributes that I think make for a healthy foundation, a secure foundation for any relationship.
[00:15:53]:
So I hope that that's been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and kind words. I read all of them, and I'm always so touched by the way that the podcast is helping you. And as I said, if you're interested in joining us for the Secure Self Challenge that kicks off on the 29th July, I'd love to see you there, and that is all linked in the show notes. Otherwise, thanks so much for joining me, and I'll see you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast, traits in a partner, prospective partner, emotional maturity, self awareness, emotional availability, integrity, alignment, honesty, trustworthiness, consistency, reliability, dependability, humor, self worth, self respect, self care, self trust, secure self challenge, dating, emotional literacy, accountability, personal development, romantic relationships, anxiety in relationships, kindness, thrive in relationships
Making Sense of Conflicting Relationship Advice
Have you ever found yourself seeking out relationship advice online only to be bombarded with pages of seemingly conflicting and contradictory opinions? If so, you're not alone - and today's episode is for you. I'm going to be sharing 5 examples of contradictory relationship advice that you may have encountered and struggled to make sense of, so that you can understand the nuances and practise discernment in finding the right way forward for you.
Have you ever found yourself seeking out relationship advice online only to be bombarded with pages of seemingly conflicting and contradictory opinions? If so, you're not alone - and today's episode is for you. I'm going to be sharing 5 examples of contradictory relationship advice that you may have encountered and struggled to make sense of, so that you can understand the nuances and practise discernment in finding the right way forward for you.
We cover:
Going after a life you love AND learning to be content with what you have
Knowing what you want in a partner AND not being overly prescriptive
Not dating someone for their potential AND wanting someone you can grow with
Not changing yourself to earn someone's love AND wanting to be your best self to attract a healthy partner
The importance of feeling your feelings AND knowing when it's okay to distract yourself
Making Sense of Conflicting Relationship Advice
Navigating the world of relationships can be daunting, especially when bombarded with conflicting advice. With countless voices offering differing tips and strategies, it’s no wonder many feel overwhelmed. However, understanding that both sets of conflicting advice can hold truth helps one develop discernment and self-trust. This article explores several key pieces of conflicting relationship advice and sheds light on how to make sense of them.
Pursuing Happiness vs. Contentment
One common piece of advice is that you deserve to pursue a life you love and shouldn’t settle for less. This can be empowering, especially for those feeling trapped in unfulfilling situations. It encourages taking risks and striving for joy, peace, and fulfilment. However, it is equally important to appreciate what one already has.
Cultivating contentment with your current life can bring a profound sense of peace. Constantly chasing the next best thing can lead to perpetual dissatisfaction. Therefore, it’s valuable to find a balance between striving for improvement and appreciating the present. This duality entails setting goals for a better future while finding joy and serenity in the present moment.
Knowing What You Want vs. Being Flexible
In the realm of dating, knowing what you want is deemed crucial. It’s advised to have clarity on your non-negotiables, ensuring you enter relationships with a strong sense of what matters most to you. This helps in making informed choices and not settling for connections that don't align with your values.
Conversely, being overly prescriptive can hinder the dating experience. Being too rigid in your requirements might close off potentially wonderful relationships. It’s beneficial to maintain a sense of curiosity and openness, exploring connections without the pressure of adhering to a strict checklist. Balancing these two can help in finding a compatible partner while enjoying the journey of getting to know different personalities.
Potential vs. Growth
Another conflicting piece of advice is avoiding dating someone for their potential. This stems from a caution against trying to change a partner into an idealised version. Dating someone for who they might become can lead to disappointment and an imbalanced relationship dynamic.
Yet, it’s also healthy to seek someone with whom you can grow and evolve. The key distinction here is to ensure that the desire for growth is mutual. It is about being with someone who inspires personal development and shares a similar vision for the future, rather than undertaking a project to mould them into a different person. Recognising this distinction helps foster healthier and more balanced relationships.
Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance
The advice to never change oneself for a relationship aligns with promoting self-worth and authenticity. It advocates for maintaining one’s true self and avoiding people-pleasing behaviours to gain love and acceptance. This is crucial, as altering oneself can lead to a loss of identity and an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
At the same time, personal growth should not be overlooked. Investing in self-improvement can elevate the quality of one’s relationships. This doesn’t mean changing who you are at your core, but rather becoming the best version of yourself. As self-confidence and self-worth grow, you’ll attract healthier relationships. The key is to balance self-acceptance with a commitment to personal growth, enhancing relationships naturally rather than through forced changes.
Feeling Your Feelings vs. Healthy Distraction
When dealing with emotional challenges like a breakup, it’s often recommended to feel your feelings and allow space for grief and sadness. Suppressing emotions can result in them surfacing later in more detrimental ways. Engaging with and processing feelings is essential for emotional health.
However, distraction can also be a beneficial strategy. Sometimes, taking a break from intense emotions by engaging in activities like exercise, hobbies, or socialising can provide relief and help regain emotional strength. The important aspect here is discerning when to allow feelings to flow and when a healthy distraction is needed to regroup.
Embracing Nuance and Developing Discernment
The essence of dealing with conflicting relationship advice lies in embracing nuance. Each piece of advice can hold truth in different contexts, and it’s up to the individual to discern what resonates most for them. Developing discernment involves trusting oneself to determine the right course of action based on personal values, needs, and knowledge of the situation.
Discernment is inextricably linked to self-trust. It’s about navigating the complex nuances of relationships to make decisions that align with one’s authentic self. By balancing conflicting pieces of advice, one can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships while maintaining a strong sense of self. In the end, the right decision is the one that feels true and right for you.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself overwhelmed by conflicting relationship advice? How does this impact your ability to make decisions in your relationships?
What advice or messages around relationships have resonated with you the most, and why? Conversely, which pieces of advice have you chosen to leave behind, and what informed that choice?
Reflect on a time when you pursued a significant change in your life or relationship. Did this decision arise from a place of genuine desire, or was it influenced by external pressures or advice?
How do you balance the value of striving for more in your life with the practice of appreciating and finding contentment in what you already have?
In dating, what core qualities and values do you find essential in a partner? How do you navigate the line between knowing what you want and remaining open to unexpected connections?
Have you ever caught yourself being overly prescriptive or rigid in your expectations of a partner? How might this have affected your relationships?
Discuss a relationship where you might have been drawn to someone’s potential rather than who they were at the time. What was the outcome, and what did you learn from it?
How important is personal growth and evolution to you in a relationship? Can you distinguish between wanting to grow with someone versus wanting to change them?
Reflect on how self-worth and self-esteem play a role in the types of relationships you attract and maintain. In what ways has working on yourself improved your relationship experiences?
Have you experienced times when you needed to feel your feelings versus times when distraction was the best course of action? How do you determine what you need in moments of emotional intensity?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about how to make sense of conflicting relationship advice. So I think that in the online world in particular, but maybe even outside of that, we are pretty constantly bombarded with different opinions, you know, different ideas, different advice on how to navigate relationships. And while you could say, you know, having so much input and information can be supportive and can allow us to really learn more about ourselves and cultivate, you know, more awareness of our patterns and insights and all of those things, which we could say is a positive, I think it's undeniable that at times it could feel almost like a bombardment. And for those of us who are maybe a little lacking in self trust or maybe, you know, prone to doubting ourselves, second guessing things, having so much information and so much conflicting information, particularly when delivered maybe without nuance or context, with a lot of certainty, it can be really hard to know what's true or what's right for me. And so I'm going to go through today a few sets of conflicting advice, not with a view so much to determining for you which is true or right, but rather, I suppose, elucidating the reasons why all of it can be true. And I think so much of, you know, developing a stronger sense of self trust and discernment is being able to ascertain, well, is this right for me rather than is this objectively true? In a general sense, is this applicable to everyone? So teasing out, I suppose, when, where, why you might, you know, find certain advice resonates with you and and why you might leave other advice, as not being applicable to you or not being, you know, the thing that you need.
[00:02:28]:
So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I get into that, I just wanted to remind you, I've mentioned it a couple of times, but, if you are someone who likes watching rather than listening or maybe in addition to, be sure to check out my YouTube channel. We're uploading full form episodes of the podcast, in video form. You can also find all of that on the On Attachment website. Again, if you didn't know, On Attachment has its own website at on attachment.com, which has, you know, not only links to the videos, and, you know, you can listen on Spotify there, but also full transcripts of the episodes, even discussion questions, and written summaries of what we talk about. So if you wanna go a little deeper and dig into some of those additional resources, all of which are totally free of charge, and be sure to check out on attachment.com and or my YouTube channel. Okay. Alright.
[00:03:23]:
So let's dive into this conversation around navigating conflicting relationship advice. So the first piece of advice, or I suppose the first 2 pieces of advice that seem to conflict with each other, that you deserve to go after a life that you love, which you do. And there is huge value in learning to be content with what you have. Right? So on the face of it, we go, okay. You know, yes, I deserve more. And I think there is so much content that is, speaking to that. Right? That you deserve a life you love, and if it's not like a hell yes, it should be a hell no. And, you know, all of these things that are essentially telling you that if you have any sort of dissatisfaction, that you should, you know, totally overhaul your life and keep reaching for more and more and more until you reach some place of happiness.
[00:04:15]:
Now, I think that for certain people in certain circumstances, it is really, really important to hear that you deserve to be happy, that happiness and joy and peace and fulfillment is available to you and is something that you, you know, should really feel like you can go after and that you should feel like you're allowed to want that. And so, you know, settling, so to speak, for a life that feels draining, and, you know, hardly tolerable, let alone fulfilling, you don't have to do that. Now when we look at the other side of the coin, I think it's equally true that there is a lot of wisdom and freedom, I would say, in learning to be at peace with what's around you, and really consciously choosing the life that you have rather than always feeling like you need something more or different or that you need to optimize every little piece of your life, of your relationships, in order to, you know, be happy. I think that sometimes, you know, letting something be good enough, rather than needing everything to be perfect, there can be so much kind of spaciousness and peace to be found in that paradigm shift of, can I, you know, be happy enough here? Now, as you can see, this is a really delicate 1, and I think it very, neatly illustrates the complexity of, you know, making sense of these conflicting pieces of advice because both of them are true. And yet if you just took 1 at face value, and sort of ran with it, then you could really easily take yourself to an extreme position that might not be helpful, which is why I speak so much about the importance of discernment and being able to find your way to a middle ground that makes sense for you. So letting both of these be true. Yes. You absolutely, you know, deserve and, you know, should really seek out a life that feels meaningful and joyful, and, and fulfilling for you while also learning to appreciate, be grateful for, and find peace with that which you already have, maybe, and the things that are, you know, good in your life rather than always feeling like you need to be, shifting the goalpost or raising the bar for yourself and looking for the things that are wrong and needing improvement.
[00:06:46]:
Okay. The next, set of pieces of advice that are seemingly in conflict, but maybe both true, is that in dating, it's really important to know what you're looking for, and being overly prescriptive will generally work against you. So let's break each of these down. So it is really I have said this many times, particularly for people who struggle more with anxious attachment, whose proclivity in dating is to just latch onto anyone who shows interest in them and get really swept up in, you know, the romance of it all, the the idea of it all, maybe where the connection is kind of lacking in foundation or in, like, core compatibilities. So it's absolutely important to know, like, what am I looking for in a partner? What matters to me? How do I wanna feel in relationships? You know, what does, you know, compatibility look and feel like? What are those qualities that I'm looking for? Most people that I work with have never turned their mind to that really in a way that they have clarity on, you know, what are my nonnegotiables? What are my deal breakers? You know, where are the lines that I would draw in the sand? What qualities really matter to me and a partner? Because when you have that framework, then it's much easier to kind of sift through. When you are meeting people, it's much easier to say yes and no, or maybe saying maybe to exploring something further. But you're able to go in with that clarity because you know what you're looking for and you know what you're not looking for. And you're much less susceptible to, you know, moving those standards, to accommodate someone that you've become infatuated with.
[00:08:32]:
Now at the same time, being overly prescriptive can make it really hard. So I think we don't wanna go in there with, like, a very long list, of very specific attributes that someone needs to have in order for you to be willing to explore a connection with them, because I think, you know, in doing so, you're obviously narrowing the pool. And you if you if you become too attached to very specific criteria, then I think not only is it less likely that you're gonna find someone and maybe more likely that you're gonna pass over people who could be really great to be in a relationship with, but I think you also kind of kill off the sense of curiosity and, you know, excitement that comes with getting to know someone, without the anxiety of, like, needing them to pass a test. So balancing these 2 of, yes, it's really important to kind of know what you're looking for and know what your standards are, while not being overly rigid or prescriptive in a way that, you know, makes that process either totally unenjoyable, and or knocks too many people out of the running because you've set the bar impossibly high or, you know, you're looking for some sort of mystery perfect person who maybe doesn't exist. Okay. The next set of conflicting pieces of advice is that you don't want to date someone for their potential. You know, we've all heard this so many times, make sure you're not dating someone for their potential. And it's totally okay, and I would say healthy, to wanna be with someone who you can grow and evolve with.
[00:10:14]:
Okay? So once again, the line here can be a little murky. And if you are someone who looks to, you know, external sources to always have the answer for you, it can be really hard to know where you fall on this line, which again is why I think that discernment and self trust is such an important piece, in the journey to becoming not only more secure in an attachment sense, but, you know, having a really strong sense of self and self confidence, self esteem. So don't date someone for their potential. We know that, again, if you are more anxiously attached, and it's not exclusive to anxious attachment, but we'll often see it there is, you know, you become so enamored with the idea of someone. And, you know, you're not deterred by the idea of a project, let's put it that way. And you can really latch onto, you know, what the relationship could be, or, you know, who this person could be if only they changed these things. Or, you know, maybe you catch little glimpses of them, but then, you know, 90% of the time, they are a different version of themselves. But 10% of the time, they are this version of themselves that, you know, you wanna nurture them into being more of, and you tell yourself that if only that were the case, then everything would be perfect.
[00:11:35]:
I think in that kind of setup where you maybe take it upon yourself to be the force that transforms them from a to b that kind of fuels their metamorphosis. I think that's a really dangerous dynamic to get into, because, you know, making it your mission to change someone is really draining for you, tends to be very detrimental to your sense of self and self worth, and frankly isn't really fair on them either. It's not a nice dynamic to be on either side of, and it tends to be very skewed energetically in a relationship, when 1 person is trying to change the other. So we don't wanna get too tied up in dating someone, based on some version of themselves that they might become in the future, which, you know, isn't really who they are today. But at the same time, it's totally okay to wanna grow with someone and to wanna be with someone who wants to grow. And I think that that's really critical here, and maybe that's the distinction. Maybe that's where the line is. Does this person want to grow, or do you just want them to grow? And so if that is important to you, that sense of growth and evolution and forward motion in your relationship, in terms of, you know, personal development, then I think it does have to originate at least in part, in the other person rather than it being your agenda that you're imposing on them.
[00:13:03]:
So I think, you know, having a level of self awareness and honesty, can be really helpful there in distinguishing between those 2. Okay. The next 1 is you don't and shouldn't have to change yourself in order to deserve a healthy relationship, and at the same time, becoming the best version of yourself will almost always be reflected in an up leveling of your relationships or the types of people that you are attracted to and you are attracting in return. So let's break this down. I think for those of us who struggle with some form of unworthiness, there can be this sense of, you know, I am unworthy of the kind of relationship that I want. I don't deserve that. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough.
[00:13:55]:
I'm not attractive enough. Whatever. Right? And so we can feel too small or, you know, too unworthy to think that we deserve that, that we can have that kind of relationship, that we can have a healthy relationship. And I think that when we're operating in that paradigm, it's very easy to then accept and and settle for, even though I don't really like that word, relationships that fall way short of what we truly want, because we don't believe that we can do any better than that. Right? Now, I don't think that that's healthy at all. And I think that, you know, that sense of I need to change myself in order to get someone to love me can really lead us into that shape shifting, people pleasing, bending over backwards, just trying to be likable and loved, you know, trying to be easy, low maintenance in order to, like, earn someone's approval. Obviously, those can be some pretty nasty dynamics in a relationship if that's kind of the the tone of the relationship. Now, at the same time, and again, this is, you know, why this advice can be so confusing.
[00:15:03]:
I think it's undeniably true that if you are someone who really struggles with low self worth, low self esteem, you know, a lack of self confidence, maybe you don't take great care of yourself, which I think all of those things can go hand in hand, I think it's undeniable that if you really double down on investing in your own growth as a person, and that can have a lot of pillars to it, whether that's, you know, going to therapy, sorting your shit out, whether it's getting healthy, you know, kind of up leveling your life, in terms of how you relate to yourself, how you take care of yourself, you know, your relationships. Maybe it's culling a bunch of relationships, friendships, you know, other things that you know are not in alignment or in integrity. Maybe they kind of energetically drag you down. Whatever it looks like for you, I think that it is undeniable that that process of kind of cleaning up, spring cleaning, we could call it, your life will be reflected in the relationships that you subsequently find yourself in. So it's not about, like, needing to prove your worth to someone so much as, if you are operating from a place of genuine self worth and self confidence, then that will most always be mirrored back to you in the types of people that you are attracting and are attracted to. So focusing on really becoming the best version of yourself, and maybe that's the point of distinction. It's not trying to become someone else to earn love, but becoming the very best version of yourself and trusting that from that place, you know, your life and relationships will prosper and will flourish, because you're really allowing yourself to to shine through in a really healthy, and attractive way there. Okay.
[00:16:51]:
And last but not least, it's important to feel your feelings, and sometimes the best thing to do is just distract yourself. So this might be, you know, if you have just gone through a breakup, for example, it doesn't have to be a breakup, but I think that's a nice example. If you've just gone through a breakup, I absolutely think that it is important to carve out space to really feel into the grief and the sadness and the loss and the disappointment and any other feelings that might be in there. I think if we try and bypass those feelings altogether, then they're gonna come back to bite us somehow. They tend to just get stuffed down deeper and, you know, kind of create layers within ourselves that we're going to have to tend to sooner or later. So, it is really important to connect with, to feel, to allow space for our emotions and our feelings. And at the same time, I absolutely do not think that you need to feel all of your feelings all of the time. I think that, you know, distracting yourself can be a perfectly reasonable, and indeed can be like the best thing for you at any given moment.
[00:17:59]:
And, again, this is where, like, discernment and tuning into ourselves is really important. Being self responsible, being kind of a a good caretaker of our own selves is, like, what do I need now? Do I need to, you know, have a really big cry and maybe do some journaling or talk to a friend and, and really be with the feelings that are arising within me? Or do I need to zone out? Do I need to numb out? Do I need to distract myself? And neither is, like, better or worse. It's not that, you know, distracting yourself is a cop out or is the easy way out. It might be at that point in time, at that moment, that you don't have the capacity to be with, you know, the bigness of whatever you're feeling, and that's okay. As I said, I think part of being self responsible and being really well attuned to yourself is knowing when you do have capacity, and coming back to those things when you're in a better space to be with them. So, yes, absolutely, we wanna find space for those feelings to be felt, because I think that a lot of us skip to thinking about our feelings or thinking about a situation, and we think that we've kind of ticked that box because we've spent so much mental energy on the situation. Again, the breakup's a good example here. But even just in a relationship, if you are someone who's kind of dissatisfied with your relationship and you think about it all day long and you're constantly ruminating and, you know, having practice conversations and all of those sorts of things, and you think that you've really connected with your feelings about it, I would argue that you probably haven't, that you've been using all of that kind of cognitive energy, as a way to skip past the discomfort and vulnerability and messiness of actually just feeling.
[00:19:52]:
And for a lot of us, you know, you're probably listening going, yeah, well, what does that even mean? What does it look like? I don't know how to feel the thing without going into the stories that sit on top of it and, you know, spinning around in all of that blame and accusation and and kind of victimhood or whatever else might be there. So it it can be a bit of a process learning to actually sit with the discomfort of the feeling without all of that other stuff attached to it. But, yes, as I said, at the same time, I actually think it's it's really can be very healthy to just distract yourself. It might be, you know, going for a run and and listening to music or going for a drive or watching Netflix or whatever it might be, if you don't have the capacity to be with those feelings at any given time, that can be a really valid and, you know, self caring act to distract yourself rather than going into the depths of those feelings, provided, of course, that you do carve out some time and space to to revisit them when you have more capacity. Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that today has been helpful, not only I suppose in breaking down those specific examples that I've offered, but I suppose in illustrating the point more broadly that there's always nuance, there's always, you know, shades of gray, and, you know, any advice that you encounter online or anywhere else from people in your life, you know, take it with a grain of salt. You can sort of assimilate it into the broader framework of, you know, relationship advice or or whatever, but, you know, take what works and, don't necessarily take anyone's, including mine, anyone's views as gospel or as necessarily right for you in your specific situation, because really only you can know that, and your job is to kind of figure that out for yourself.
[00:21:40]:
And as I said, kind of take what works, leave what doesn't, and figure out where that line sits for you. So I hope that you've learned something. I hope that it's given you something to think about, and as always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback. I read them all, and I'm always very touched by your kind words of support. So thank you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
conflicting relationship advice, attachment theory, relationship guidance, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, self trust, relationship self-awareness, relationship discernment, personal growth, dating standards, relationship compatibility, relationship dynamics, self-worth, self-esteem, dating clarity, nonnegotiables in relationships, managing breakups, feeling your feelings, emotional awareness, relationship mindfulness, relationship advice, online relationship guidance, personal development, navigating relationships, relationship contentment, life fulfilment, relationship goals, dating expectations, relationship needs, relationship improvement
Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Balancing the delicate dance between togetherness and separateness in relationships, especially those marked by anxious-avoidant dynamics, is no easy feat. This dance often unearths conflicting needs and sensitivities, leading to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and recurring conflict cycles. Understanding and navigating these tensions can transform the quality of interaction and connection within these relationships.
Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Dynamics
In any relationship, partners often bring their unique attachment styles, which influence their behaviours and needs. Anxious individuals crave closeness and reassurance. They feel secure when they can observe, in real-time, the presence and commitment of their partner. This sense of togetherness, albeit in physical proximity, mitigates their underlying fear of abandonment.
Conversely, avoidant individuals value their alone time as a space to recharge and regulate. This time in solitude is not merely about being alone; it’s about fostering a sense of inner security and independence, enabling them to participate in the relationship more fully when they reconnect.
The challenge arises in the transitions between these states—moving from togetherness to separateness and vice versa.
The Transition from Togetherness to Separateness
For anxious individuals, the shift from being together to being apart can be particularly distressing. This transition threatens their sense of security. They may experience heightened anxiety, often leading to behaviours perceived as clinging or over-involved, like frequent messaging or checking in.
To ease this transition for an anxious partner, small gestures can go a long way. Simple expressions of love and reassurance, such as saying, “I love you, I’ll talk to you tonight,” can significantly reduce anxiety. Furthermore, avoidant partners should be mindful to not exit abruptly without acknowledging their departure. A hug, a kiss, and a warm goodbye before heading to work, for example, can soften the transition and provide the anxious partner the reassurance they need.
Sharing your schedule or the next point of contact also helps. For instance, letting your partner know that you’ll call during lunch or text when you arrive can be exceptionally comforting. These gestures demonstrate respect and understanding for your partner’s needs, curbing the anxious reactions that might otherwise manifest.
The Transition from Separateness to Togetherness
For avoidant individuals, the challenge often lies in transitioning from their cherished alone time back into connection. An abrupt or unplanned return to interaction can feel jarring and intrusive, leading to feelings of overwhelm or irritability.
The analogy of surfacing from a scuba dive or a bear waking from hibernation aptly captures this experience. Avoidant individuals need a gradual re-entry into connection. Respecting this need begins with understanding and empathy. If your partner is immersed in their personal activity, barging in with conversation can be disconcerting.
Instead, send a gentle signal. If dinner is ready in fifteen minutes, let them know in advance rather than demanding their immediate presence. This forewarning allows them to wrap up their activities and mentally prepare for re-engagement.
Creating a smoother transition helps them feel respected and reduces the likelihood of defensive reactions. Consequently, they will likely join you feeling more resourceful and less overwhelmed.
Mutual Respect and Sensitivity
The key to navigating these opposing needs lies in mutual sensitivity and respect. Both anxious and avoidant partners must actively work to understand and honour their partner’s attachment style.
For avoidant partners, this might mean going the extra mile to provide the continuity and reassurance that their anxious partner craves. As detailed, small acts of consideration, like communicating clearly about when you'll next connect, can prevent anxious spirals and enhance a sense of security.
On the other hand, anxious partners should strive to respect their partner’s need for space. Recognising that the alone time cherished by avoidant individuals is not a rejection but a means to maintain their inner equilibrium. By allowing them to transition gradually from their solitude, you contribute to a more balanced and harmonious reconnection.
Mutual efforts in this regard help minimise friction and misunderstandings, reinforcing the narrative that each partner’s needs are valid and respected. It’s about fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel supported and understood.
The Importance of Micro-Moments
Addressing these transitional sensitivities doesn’t just prevent conflict but preserves the bond between partners. Micro-moments of care and respect accumulate over time, building a robust foundation of trust and security. These moments might seem trivial individually, but collectively, they form the bedrock of a resilient and loving relationship.
In essence, it’s about tuning into each other’s unspoken needs and creating an environment where both partners feel valued. Understanding the choreographies of attachment styles and the specific needs they generate is crucial. By integrating these practices into daily interactions, couples can significantly enhance their relational satisfaction and overall bond.
Navigating the balance between togetherness and separateness with care and consideration not only helps in managing anxieties but cultivates a deeper, more nuanced intimacy. This respectful dance, marked by mutual accommodation and understanding, paves the way for a harmonious and thriving relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflecting on your own attachment style, do you identify more with anxious or avoidant tendencies? How do these tendencies manifest in your relationships?
When transitioning from togetherness to separateness in your relationship, what emotions or thoughts typically arise for you? How do you handle them?
Are there specific actions or behaviours that your partner can take to help ease your anxiety during times of separation? How can you effectively communicate these needs to them?
Consider a time when you felt particularly hurt by your partner’s need for alone time. How could a different approach from your partner have changed the way you felt during that transition?
How do you perceive your partner’s need for alone time? Do you view it as a reflection of their independence, or do you sometimes take it personally? How might this perception impact your relationship?
Can you think of ways to show respect for your partner’s need for aloneness, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you? What small changes could you implement to honour their need for space better?
Recall a situation where you might have interrupted your partner’s alone time. How did they react, and how did their reaction make you feel? What lessons can you take away from that experience?
If you live with your partner, how do you handle daily separations, such as leaving for work? What rituals or habits could you establish to make these moments feel more connected and reassuring?
Reflect on a moment where your partner respected your need for connection or alone time. How did this impact your sense of security and trust within the relationship?
Think about previous relationships where these transitional moments caused friction. How might an increased awareness of these dynamics have altered the course of those relationships, for better or worse?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm gonna be talking about togetherness and separateness in anxious avoidant relationships and how to navigate the tension between those conflicting needs that you might have as an anxious avoiding couple. Now full disclosure upfront. I don't know that what I've titled this episode actually accurately captures what I'm gonna be talking about, which is a struggle that I often have. The titles that are catchy often lack nuance. And then if I try and add more nuance to the title, then it sounds a little bit dense and wordy for a quick one liner. So what I'm really gonna be talking about today is less about how to navigate the actual time spent apart versus together, and more sharing a tip, which I think is not obvious, but is incredibly effective and transformative, to soften some of the friction that can arise, when it comes to separating for anxious people and coming back together for avoidant people.
[00:01:33]:
Because if you've noticed, for anxious folks, it is that shift from being together to a part that can be quite distressing. And for avoidant folks, it is the shift from being in their aloneness, in their own time and space to coming back together, which can be the friction point for them. And oftentimes there can be misunderstandings, miscommunications, and, you know, those attachment wounds that we each have can be triggered in those transitional moments in ways that then lead us into conflict cycles that, you know, entrench us into that oppositional dynamic, which we're trying to get away from rather than deeper into. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about that and a really simple but very effective way to hopefully nip that in the bud so that you don't spiral into those dynamics so frequently. And I think really reinforce the stories that you might have around, you know, how your partner feels about you, how much they care about you, how much they respect you, all of those things. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode. Before I dive into that, a reminder that I'm still running a 50% off sale on my courses and master classes on my website.
[00:02:44]:
So if you head to stephanierigg.com, you can look through my full master classes and my two courses, which are Secure Together and Higher Love. And you can save 50% on any of those with the code HEYBABY, all one word. The other quick announcement that I have is just because I am absolutely terrible at reminding people, if you're someone who likes to watch things rather than listen, or maybe in addition to, I have a YouTube channel where all of these podcast episodes get uploaded in full, if you would like to watch. I also have a website for the podcast. This is the one that I'm really terrible at telling anyone about. But there is a full website on attachment.com, which has, show notes, transcripts. It even has, like, discussion questions or journal prompts for every episode. So if you're interested in that additional info, I know some of you, sometimes message me and say that you take notes while you're listening.
[00:03:39]:
So if you'd like to have a bit more of a comprehensive set of notes or or something to work off, if you're someone who likes to go a little deeper into the episodes, head to onattachment.com, and you can find all of that there totally free of charge. Okay. Announcements done and dusted. Now let's talk about this. So as I said in the introduction, we know to be true that for anxious folks, separation anxiety is a point of sensitivity, that, you know, comes from that need for closeness, that fear of abandonment, that sense of when I'm connected with you in the sense of with you, and having that real time observable confirmation that, like, you're here and we're together and everything's okay. I feel good about that. I feel reassured. I'm much less likely to catastrophize and to feel like there's something wrong when I have almost like the evidence here in front of me that nothing's wrong with it.
[00:04:33]:
You know, you're here and I'm safe and you're safe. So that's, as we know, comfort zone for anxious people is that we are together and in that really, like, literal, you're right next to me kind of connection. The flip side of that is that separateness, time apart, can be challenging. And as I said, it's often the transition from togetherness to separateness, that can be hard. And if that's not handled in a way that is taking into account the sensitivities of the anxious partner, then those sensitivities can be amplified or exacerbated. When we look at the avoidant partner, we have, as is often the case, kind of the the other end of the spectrum. So if the avoidant partner, their alone time is really regenerative and important, and it allows them to regulate. It allows them to feel safe and secure, kind of stand on their own 2 feet and, you know, have a sense of groundedness within themselves that then allows them to come to the relationship in a more resourced way that doesn't leave them feeling overwhelmed and kind of burnt out and cornered or or any of those feelings that are common among avoidant people.
[00:05:49]:
And because of that, it can be the transition from their safe space of aloneness into connection that is a bit rough for the avoidant partner. And if that's not handled with care, then again, we can see some of that friction can arise. Some of the stories that the avoidant partner might have about the relationship, about relationships more broadly, about their partner. All of those things can be activated, in that transition from separateness to togetherness. So recognizing that, the really kind of quick and easy tips that I wanna offer you, and it's almost like a it almost feels like a cheat code for anxious avoidant relationships in this particular context, is to pay extra attention to those transitional moments. So if you are the avoidant partner and you are wanting to ease your anxious partner's anxiety around separateness so that they can go into time apart, feeling much more reassured and comfortable and less likely to, you know, hover around you to be this helicopter partner who's messaging you all the time, who's not really respecting the space. Take care to soften that transition by saying things like, you know, I love you. I'll talk to you tonight.
[00:07:11]:
If you're know, spending time with them and then you're leaving or if you live together and you are doing something as simple as going off to work in the morning for the avoidant partner, you might not think twice around, you know, grabbing your bag and walking out the door without saying goodbye. But for the anxious partner, that's probably going to be quite an affront or they might feel quietly hurt that you wouldn't come and find them in the house somewhere. And, you know, give them a hug and a kiss and say, I hope you have a great day, before you go off to work. So if you can pay a little bit more attention to that, rather than just doing the thing that makes sense to you based on, you know, your way of being, that could go a really long way in effecting that transition in a way that is likely to increase, the comfort, the security, the sense of safety for your partner as you go into that zone that is less comfortable for them. So, as I said, just doing little things like telling your partner you love them, giving them a hug and a kiss, telling them when you're gonna see them or when you're next going to talk to them, that's gonna go a really long way in easing the separation anxiety and softening that transition for your anxious partner. Now, the flip side of that for the anxious partner who wants to contribute to the softening of that transition for the avoidant partner going in the other direction, some of the things that you might want to think about, I once heard an amazing analogy. I think it was Diane Pool Heller, who is amazing attachment expert. She gave the analogy that an avoided person coming into connection from alone time is sort of like when you are scuba diving and you're coming up for air and you don't want to do that too quickly because you can obviously have all of these complications associated with it.
[00:08:53]:
So you sort of wanna slowly emerge. It's almost like a bear coming out of hibernation, that you wanna do that gradually rather than in a way that feels really jarring, or intrusive. So examples might be, and, you know, I'll draw examples from my own relationship. I know that if Joel is in his office and he's got his headphones on and he's in the middle of something, if I just go in and start talking at him, he gets really agitated by that. And for me, it's easy to go like, oh, why do you have to be so kind of rude or abrupt or, you know, irritable, in the way that you're responding to me? Because for me, I wouldn't be like that. It wouldn't bother me at all if I was in the middle of something and he started, you know, came into my room and started talking to me. That would be fine. But it really does bother him.
[00:09:41]:
And I have to remind myself that we're different in that respect, that when he is in his aloneness, that that is, you know, more sacred, than perhaps it is for me. And so being a bit more respectful of the bubble that the avoidant partner places themselves in, and recognizing that that's a really important time and space for them. I'm just thinking if Joel listens to this, he's probably gonna be laughing because I don't do a very good job at honoring this at all. But the point stands, it's a really good thing to do, you know, to allow your partner a bit of time to come out of hibernation, so to speak. So, for example, if you do live together and, you know, you're having dinner rather than say you're cooking dinner for your partner, rather than yelling at them and saying dinner's on the table right now. So they need to drop what they're doing and come immediately to you. You might say dinner you send them a text if they're in a different part of, you know, the living space. Dinner's gonna be ready in 10 minutes or something.
[00:10:36]:
So that gives them a bit of forewarning, allows them to wrap up whatever they're doing and shift gears so that they can then join you in a way that, you know, they're a little bit more prepared for rather than feeling like they've been yanked out of their separateness or, you know, maybe if it does take them time to join you, that then you're irritated or upset that they didn't do so immediately. So having a little consideration for the fact that they're going to need a bit more time to come out of that aloneness. And that if you can give them that time, give them that forewarning, and recognize that if you intrude upon their aloneness, and they have a reaction against that, it's really easy for you to then feel hurt or rejected or attacked unfairly, and then, you know, go into all of those stories around, I would never speak to you that way or, you know, I'm just trying to help or whatever the thing might be that you're telling yourself. Again, I am drawing all of these from personal experience as you can probably tell. But I think having that awareness of, like, it's actually not about me. It's about the sacredness of their time. And, you know, spoiler alert, the more respectful you are of their time and space, and, you know, the less you make them wrong for needing it and wanting it and protecting it, so your partner is going to be really, you know, defensive of their right to space. If they feel like you're intruding upon their space all the time.
[00:12:08]:
And you're, you know, blaming them or attacking them or criticizing them for needing that space. So, if you can be respectful of that, if you can honor that, and as I said, this goes both ways. So we want to create this overall sense of, you know, sensitivity and care and respectfulness of the others needs around these transition points. So it might sound kind of simple, but I think that if you both made an effort in each respect, so the avoidant partner makes the effort in, you know, going above and beyond what they ordinarily would in terms of going from togetherness to separateness. So softening those transitions, putting an extra effort to be loving, to be caring, to communicate around when you'll next be in contact or see each other. And I think if the anxious partner then was more respectful around the transition back into connection, you probably eliminate a lot of even if it's not all out conflict, like little moments, like micro moments of hurt that pile up and then turn into, you know, this snowballing resentment that will eventually come out, or eventually, you know, chip away at your connection and leave you feeling ultimately like your partner doesn't care about you, which I think is where so many of these little attachment wounds and ruptures end up. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, short and sweet episode today.
[00:13:35]:
But I think that, you know, even if you're not in a relationship at the moment, it's really a useful little nugget to tuck away. Maybe you can reflect on previous relationships and where you didn't have this awareness and you can go, oh, yeah, I think that would have made a really big difference both to me and to my partner. And obviously for future relationships, knowing about that dynamic, knowing about those sensitivities, I think can be hugely helpful. So, I hope you've learned something. As always, grateful for your support. Oh, actually, that's what I forgot to say at the start. We crossed over 4,000,000 downloads of the podcast last week. So huge, huge thank you for all of your support.
[00:14:17]:
That's a really incredible milestone to hit in, you know, just over 2 years of the podcast. This podcast is independently run and produced and everything. And by independently, I mean me at home in my home office. So to be reaching so many people all over the world, is really quite incredible. And I'm incredibly honored and grateful for your support. So a huge thank you to all of you, whether you are a relatively new listener or you've been here from the start. I'm really thankful for you. Okay.
[00:14:50]:
That's it for me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:56]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious-avoidant relationships, relationships, attachment theory, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, building healthy relationships, overcoming insecurity, togetherness and separateness, avoiding conflict, transitional moments, attachment wounds, softening transitions, separation anxiety, avoidant partner, anxious partner, conflict cycles, Secure Together course, Higher Love course, personal development, relationship dynamics, navigating relationship tensions, relationship advice, communication in relationships, attachment sensitivities, handling separateness, relationship tips, YouTube channel, podcast episodes, journal prompts, show notes, relationship resources
5 Signs You Struggle With Receiving
In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving. For many of us, being the giver in our relationships is our comfort zone - which can lead to imbalances, unmet needs, and resentment. But while we may bemoan the lack of reciprocity in our relationships, there is a vulnerability to receiving that many of us are uncomfortable with. We cover :the tendency to consistently end up in imbalanced relationships difficulty directing asking for what you want or need feeling guilty or burden...
In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving. For many of us, being the giver in our relationships is our comfort zone - which can lead to imbalances, unmet needs, and resentment. But while we may bemoan the lack of reciprocity in our relationships, there is a vulnerability to receiving that many of us are uncomfortable with.
We cover:
The tendency to consistently end up in imbalanced relationships
Difficulty directing asking for what you want or need
Feeling guilty or burdensome when people support or accommodate you
Struggling to accept compliments or praise
Discomfort with being the centre of attention
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Struggling with Receiving? Here Are 5 Signs You Might Be Missing
In relationships, whether romantic or platonic, it's not uncommon to find oneself caught in a pattern of giving without receiving in return. This dynamic can often go unnoticed until it leads to feelings of imbalance and resentment. Recognising if you struggle with receiving is the first step towards fostering healthier, more reciprocal relationships. Here are five signs that might indicate you have difficulties in this area.
Consistently Imbalanced Relationships
A clear indication that you may struggle with receiving is if you find yourself consistently in relationships that feel one-sided. This could be in friendships, familial relationships, or romantic partnerships. If you often feel that you’re the one always giving, accommodating, and supporting while others take without reciprocating, it could be a sign. Such patterns might be ingrained, making it feel natural to be the giver, but it’s essential to realise that healthy relationships involve mutual support and giving.
This dynamic might lead you to mistakenly believe that others are taking advantage of you. However, it’s worth reflecting on how you might be contributing to this imbalance. Are you setting boundaries? Are you communicating your needs? Often, we play a role in perpetuating these patterns by not asserting ourselves or by avoiding the vulnerability involved in receiving.
Reluctance to Ask for Support
Another sign is a real difficulty in directly asking for what you need. Whether it’s emotional support, practical help, or something else entirely, if you find yourself hesitant to make such requests, you might have an issue with receiving. The discomfort might stem from fears of being a burden, facing rejection, or believing that others might resent you for voicing your needs.
You might prefer to wait until someone offers help and feel more comfortable if they've initiated it. Even then, you might go through several rounds of assuring them that you’re fine and that it’s no big deal before eventually conceding to their offer. This hesitance can often be tied to deeper insecurities about your worthiness and whether you deserve to have your needs met.
Guilt When Accommodated
Feeling guilty when someone supports or accommodates you is another hallmark of struggling with receiving. Despite being willing and even eager to help others, you might feel uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. Think about instances where someone has gone out of their way for you. Do you immediately feel the need to minimise the inconvenience or express how unnecessary their help is, even when you appreciate it?
This guilt might be accompanied by inner dialogues questioning your worthiness or worrying about potential negative consequences. It’s crucial to recognise that such feelings are often unfounded and more a reflection of your internal struggles than the reality of the situation.
Deflecting Compliments
If you're quick to deflect or downplay compliments, this too signals a discomfort with receiving. When someone praises you, do you find yourself immediately redirecting the compliment back to them or minimising it by downplaying your efforts? For example, instead of saying "thank you," you might respond with "oh, this old thing?" or "I just got lucky."
Accepting compliments can feel like a spotlight is on you, making the experience feel almost exposed and vulnerable. Learning to simply say "thank you" without qualification is a powerful step towards becoming more comfortable with receiving.
Discomfort with Being the Centre of Attention
Feeling uneasy when you are the focus of attention, such as during a birthday celebration or any event centred around you, can also be a sign. While not everyone enjoys being the centre of attention due to personality differences, extreme discomfort might point to underlying issues with receiving.
This discomfort often stems from an inability to believe that people genuinely want to celebrate or support you. It could be linked to a fear of seeming needy or the deep-seated belief that you must be self-sufficient to be valued and loved.
Embracing the Vulnerability of Receiving
Addressing and overcoming these signs involves delving into the roots of these feelings and challenging the narratives that fuel them. It requires embracing the inherent vulnerability of receiving. This might mean starting small, such as expressing your preferences when someone asks for your opinion, or practising gratitude when receiving assistance or compliments.
Understand that receiving is not a sign of weakness or neediness. It is part of the natural ebb and flow of healthy relationships. By recognising and addressing your struggles with receiving, you open the door to more balanced, fulfilling relationships where giving and receiving are reciprocally rewarding.
Accept that feeling discomfort is part of the growth process. Encourage yourself to sit with this discomfort rather than retreating from it. The more you allow yourself to receive, the more you will see the capacity for generosity and support in others, thus creating a more balanced and enriching relational experience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself frequently feeling imbalanced in your relationships, often giving more than you receive? How does this dynamic impact your sense of satisfaction within these relationships?
How comfortable are you with directly asking for support or expressing your needs to others? What fears or anxieties arise for you in these situations?
Reflect on a time when someone went out of their way to support you. Did you feel guilty or undeserving of their efforts? What beliefs or past experiences contribute to these feelings?
When you receive compliments, do you tend to deflect, downplay, or dismiss them? Why do you think it's challenging for you to simply accept praise?
How do you feel about being the centre of attention or being celebrated by others? What messages about worthiness and vulnerability surface for you in these moments?
Consider the narrative you've constructed about being "low maintenance" or "easy." How does this self-perception affect your willingness to let others take care of you?
What stories do you tell yourself about your worthiness to receive love and support? How do these stories influence your behaviour and interactions in relationships?
How might your fear of being a burden or your concern about others' resentment impact your ability to receive care and support?
Reflect on a recent interaction where you allowed someone to give to you without resisting or minimizing their efforts. How did it feel to accept their support fully?
Identify one small way you can practice receiving this week, whether it's accepting a compliment graciously or allowing someone to do something kind for you. How can this practice contribute to recalibrating the balance in your relationships?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving, specifically 5 signs that you struggle with receiving in your relationships. So receiving is probably not something that you've turned your mind to very consciously.
[00:00:48]:
I think for a lot of us, it's really not. And yet I think for so many people, it can be a real struggle and it can. Keep us stuck in relationships that are really imbalanced, not really knowing why or what to do about it. And as we'll talk about, I think we can often blame the other person for the fact that maybe our needs are not being met or we're not feeling We're responsible in part for we're responsible in part for the creation and perpetuation of a dynamic that feels imbalanced or asymmetrical in terms of contribution or who's being accommodated. Because for a lot of us, as much as we can bemoan the fact that it's always all about the other person, receiving is actually really vulnerable and can be really challenging if that's not the seat that you have traditionally sat in, in your relationships. So let me talking a little bit about that today, and sharing some signs that you might struggle with this. As I think many of you will, I certainly have in the past and still really have to consciously open myself to receiving and drop or resist any feelings of guilt or discomfort that might come with being accommodated rather than being the one who's always accommodating others. Okay. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:18]:
Before we dive into that, just a quick reminder that I'm running a 50% off sale at the moment on all of my courses and master classes. So my higher love breakup course, my secure together couples or relationship course, and then my 4 master classes, which are shorter workshops on specific topics. All of those are 50% off at the moment with the discount code, Hey, baby. So if you insert that discount code at the checkout, you can save 50% on all of those. So if you've been interested in going deeper into some of my programs or workshops, now's a really great time to do that. Okay. So let's talk about signs that you struggle with receiving. Now, the first one is that you often or consistently wind up in relationships, And this can be friendships as well, to be clear, it's not specific to romantic relationships, but you consistently wind up in relationships that feel imbalanced or lacking in reciprocity.
[00:03:16]:
So as I alluded to in the introduction, there's this sense of, I'm always the giver and other people are always taking from me or I'm accommodating them. I am working around their needs and preferences And it's never me who's taking up that space. It's never me who is the one being accommodated, the one whose preferences are being catered to. It feels like I'm always in the support role rather than the one being supported. Now, you might be hearing that and going, why is that my fault, right? Why should I be held responsible for the fact that people are taking advantage of me or other stories like that? And as always, it's not about fault. And I hope that those of you who've been following my work for a while know that I'm not talking in terms of fault and blame. And I think that we really have to try and look beyond that and go, okay, what's actually going on here? And as always, I think that these dynamics, where it takes 2 to tango and they reinforce each other. And so we're not looking at blame so much as in what ways am I contributing to the perpetuation of the status quo here? And I think that when we are consistently winding up in relationships that have a similar look and feel to them in terms of that kind of dynamic of over giving and imbalance and feeling maybe resentful about that.
[00:04:41]:
That's a really good sign that we are part of that, that we are contributing in some way And that that's not just about the other person. I think when you've got the same dynamic over and over again, it becomes a little dishonest maybe to just point the finger at the other person and go, oh, I don't know why I always end up with people who take advantage of me. So the first line that you might struggle with receiving, and I suppose the other side of that coin is that, you know, you maybe give too much is that you always end up in relationships that look like that. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is that you rarely, if ever, directly ask for what you need or ask for support, ask for someone to do something for you. That's something that you really struggle to directly request. And if someone offers, so you're probably much more comfortable with someone offering that to you rather than you having to assert it. And you might find that if someone does offer, you go through a few rounds of pushing back and saying, no, I'm fine.
[00:05:41]:
Don't worry about it. It's really not that big a deal. And other things like that before you eventually might accept whatever it is that they're offering you. So it's only in those circumstances that you can feel okay with someone doing something for you, even if you really want to and you wish you could ask them directly. It might just feel too vulnerable, whether that's because you're worrying that you're a burden, or that they're going to resent doing something for you, or you fear rejection, you fear what would happen if they said, No, I'm not going to do that for you. Whatever it might be, and it might be all of those or a combination of them, that you're much more comfortable with someone going out of their way or giving something to you or taking care of you, supporting you. However, it looks in a given set of circumstances. If they've initiated it, they've offered it, they've insisted against your pushback.
[00:06:38]:
And then finally, you can go, okay, great, thanks. It's like you have confirmation of the fact that they really do wanna do it and they're really happy to, and it's really not a big deal. That kind of alleviates some of your fears or concerns around them going out of their way, which feels uncomfortable and maybe you feel, you know, unworthy or undeserving of that, or you worry, you know, what they're going to really be thinking as a result of having to accommodate you, because that's not a position that you're accustomed to being in. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is related to the previous that you feel guilty when people go out of their way to support or accommodate you. It feels like you've done something wrong or you're anticipating some sort of adverse consequence. And this is even when you wouldn't think twice about doing that for them. Right.
[00:07:31]:
If the circumstances were flipped, if you were in the giving role, there's no way that you would be harboring any resentment or concern about it, or you'd be really comfortable with doing that for them as an act of love, but you really struggle to believe that the same could be true in the other direction. And so you feel guilt or anxiety around receiving when someone is going out of their way to accommodate you. So maybe that's, they've offered to pick you up from the airport at an inconvenient time of day or go out of their way to pick something up at the shops for you. Maybe you've said, oh, don't worry. Only if it's not too hard. Only if it's not too much trouble, all of those things. And then you feel a bit uncomfortable if someone has had to go out of their way to do it. And I think the common thread underneath that is really struggling to believe that you are worthy of other people's efforts, right? That it's all well and good for you to go to those links to show them love and care and support, but you struggle to believe that they love and care and want to support you to the same degree.
[00:08:36]:
So maybe you fear that they're not going to be happy with you, or they're going to punish you in some way as a result of having to take care of you or accommodate you? And so I think there is a little thread there around worthiness and deservingness. Can I really take in someone's love or do I put a ceiling on their expression of love and care for me? Because I don't really believe that it's there or that it's possible. I don't want to be disappointed. So I sort of tell myself and tell them that I don't need it or want it, that I'm fine to take care of myself, that I'm low maintenance, all of these things, when really it's just that I struggle with receiving it. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is that you are quick to deflect or minimize compliments, or maybe you very quickly push it back onto the other person. So for example, if someone says, you look really nice today, you might say, oh, really? I got ready in 5 minutes. And this is just an old sweater of mine and whatever else you downplay it.
[00:09:49]:
You struggle to just take it in and go, thank you. I really appreciate that full stop. Right. Or maybe you push back onto them and go, oh, thank you. Look amazing. Don't talk about me. Look at you. Right? And having the spotlight on you and just taking in someone's praise, someone's compliment feels really, you've got almost naked and vulnerable, in a way that is really uncomfortable for you.
[00:10:12]:
So noticing that, do you struggle to just take the compliment? Someone says, oh, you, you did an amazing job at something. You might find other ways to detract from your own efforts or your own successes. Because again, you worry that there's going to be some sort of consequence attached to just asking in it and just, you know, gratefully accepting whatever someone's offering to you by way of compliment or praise. And the last sign that you struggle with receiving is you feel really uncomfortable being the center of attention. So for example, if you throw a birthday party, you might really feel very uncomfortable with the idea of people coming to celebrate you and it all being about you. I can very much relate to this. I still struggle with it. Don't really like that at all.
[00:11:08]:
And while I think there are personality differences around this, and it's not to say that we all have to become comfortable with being the center of attention and having a surprise party with a 100 people phone in our honor. I think for some of us, it's just never gonna be comfortable and maybe that's okay. It is something to reflect on, do I resist being loved and letting people love me and letting people show up for me and celebrating me. What is it about that that feels so uncomfortable? Do I struggle to believe that people will, or people want to, And where does that come from within me? What might it be like to really allow myself to receive people's celebration or love of me. And so reflecting on that, I think oftentimes we will be pleasantly surprised by how much people do want to show up for us. And if we can allow ourselves to, to let that happen and to take it all in, it can be quite eye opening and maybe vulnerable, but ultimately beautifully reinforcing of how much we are loved and cared for and supported by the people in our lives. And it might go some of the way in dismantling those stories that we have around people not wanting to do that for us. I think whether it's this or any number of other things in our relationships, it's amazing how we're so convinced that our story is the truth, whether that's people don't care about me, people don't show up for me, but we actually never run the experiment because we don't want to expose ourselves to the vulnerability or the possibility of that being true.
[00:12:45]:
And so we deprive others of the opportunity to show up for us. We deprive others of the opportunity to meet our needs or whatever it might be, because we've already convinced ourselves that they won't or they can't. And so it feels less vulnerable to just shut ourselves off rather than open ourselves to that possibility and be pleasantly surprised. So that was 5 signs that you struggle with receiving. I'll quickly recap those. The first was you consistently wind up in these imbalanced or asymmetrical relationships that feel like you're the one always giving and they're the one always taking, and it's never about you. 2nd was you rarely, if ever, directly ask for support or ask for what you need, you only reluctantly accept it if someone else initiates it. And even then you probably push back a bit.
[00:13:37]:
The third was you feel really guilty and like a burden. If someone goes out of their way to support or accommodate you, even in circumstances where you wouldn't think twice about doing that for them. The 4th was you're quick to deflect or downplay or minimize compliments or other kind words that people offer to you. And the 5th one was you feel really uncomfortable being the center of attention or being, you know, celebrated in some way. So if you relate to some or all of those, as I suspect many of you will, I certainly do. The I suppose the work for you is to reflect on where that comes from to notice what is this discomfort really about? I mentioned a few possible sources and you may relate to a number of these, that unworthiness, that feeling of being undeserving, the vulnerability of receiving, worrying that someone's going to resent you or that they're going to be upset at having to accommodate you feeling like a burden and feeling like you have to be easy or low maintenance in order to be lovable. All of these things, which we might not necessarily associate with receiving. As I said in the introduction, it's not something that we talk about all that much or many of us kind of really conscious of.
[00:14:54]:
But I think a lot of those underlying themes and wounds or patterns in our relationships can really show up here and affect the overall climate or environment of our relationships. And I think that when we do wind up in these patterns of where we're struggling to receive and our relationships reflect that imbalance. Invariably, we end up harboring some resentment and feeling uncared for and neglected. And as I said, it's easy to blame the other person when maybe there's a little bit more ball in our court, so to speak. There's a little bit more that we could be doing to recalibrate that imbalance rather than just blaming the other person and feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling abandoned or neglected or whatever it might be. So, there's lots to do there. I mean, there are lots of ways that you can practice receiving and it will be a practice, Or If someone says, what do you feel like for dinner? Rather than saying, I don't mind whatever you want, you might say, I feel like this and asking them to cook you something that maybe isn't the easiest or the simplest option and not feeling guilty about that. Or just noticing if you feel guilty, but not quickly walking back from the edge there.
[00:16:16]:
Just actually allowing yourself to linger in the discomfort of the edge of your comfort zone, because that is really where the growth happens when we can let ourselves sit there and go, oh, okay, the whole world didn't come crumbling down. My relationship didn't end. They didn't reject me. They didn't roll their eyes and tell me that I was a pain in the ass or whatever doomsday catastrophic scenario that we are consciously or subconsciously fearing will come to pass as a result of taking up a bit more space. I think it's always good to run those little experiments. And as I said, be pleasantly surprised by what we might find. I really hope that you've found something of interest in today's episode that it's been helpful for you. And as always, I'm so grateful for your support. And I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:17:11]
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, relationships, receiving in relationships, relationship imbalance, giving and receiving, relationship coach, insecurity in relationships, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, vulnerability in relationships, accommodating others, feeling neglected, overgiving, reciprocity in relationships, asking for support, feeling guilty in relationships, deservingness, receiving love, feeling like a burden, relationship dynamics, seeking validation, emotional support, relationship patterns, self-worth, feeling unworthy, deflecting compliments, being the center of attention, celebrating oneself, feeling undeserving, relationship growth.
"Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?"
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the listener question of "Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?" Wanting to change a partner is something most of us will relate to in one form or another, but it's essential that we understand where this urge is coming from and what it's trying to tell us about ourselves, our partner, and the relationship. Some of the things we cover:wanting to change little things vs big thingshow anxious and avoidant attached people differ in want...
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the listener question of "Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?" Wanting to change a partner is something most of us will relate to in one form or another, but it's essential that we understand where this urge is coming from and what it's trying to tell us about ourselves, our partner, and the relationship.
Some of the things we cover:
Wanting to change little things vs big things
How anxious and avoidant attached people differ in wanting to change their partner
Changes that relate to core relationship needs
My advice when you're hoping they'll change without any signs that they want to
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Is it Wrong to Hope My Partner Will Change?
Many people have, at some point in their relationships, wished that their partner would change in some way. Whether it’s wishing they would be more affectionate, communicate better, or even change trivial habits, it’s a common thought. But is it wrong to have these thoughts and desires? Let’s delve into this complex topic and consider some nuanced perspectives.
Understanding the Desire for Change
It’s entirely human to harbour feelings of wishing for change in a partner. Recognising this can alleviate some of the guilt or shame associated with these thoughts. Everyone has moments of frustration or dissatisfaction in a relationship, and at times, it’s easy to believe that if a partner just altered a specific behaviour or trait, things would be perfect. These thoughts are normal, yet it’s crucial to reflect on them rather than act impulsively.
Self-Reflection: Is It My Issue or Theirs?
One primary aspect to consider is how much of the desire for your partner to change stems from your own issues. This self-inquiry involves questioning whether the traits that bother you are minor quirks or fundamental behaviours deeply affecting the relationship. Often, criticisms of a partner may actually mirror unresolved issues within ourselves. For instance, wanting a partner to adopt your way of doing things might highlight a need to control or even deeper insecurities.
Differentiating Between Minor and Major Changes
Not all desired changes in a partner are created equal. Discerning whether the things you wish to change are small annoyances or significant issues is vital. Minor quirks, such as how a partner dresses or eats, often shouldn’t hold substantial weight in the relationship’s overall happiness. However, major issues, like a partner’s unwillingness to communicate or recurring destructive behaviours, merit more serious attention. Asking yourself whether these changes impact core relationship needs or fundamental compatibility can provide clarity.
Evolving Perspectives Over Time
It’s also useful to examine whether these frustrations and desires for change have always been present or if they are recent developments. Initial attractions to certain traits can evolve into frustrations as relationships progress. Traits you might have found endearing initially, such as spontaneity or passion, could later feel like unpredictability or relentlessness. Understanding this shift can help you determine whether the change in perception is rooted in other underlying issues within the relationship or personal growth.
Are You Seeking Change for Connection or Distance?
Our attachment styles often influence how we perceive the need for a partner to change. Those with anxious attachment may want changes to feel more secure and solidify the relationship, seeing it as a solution to all problems. Conversely, those with avoidant tendencies might use the desire for change as a distancing tactic, proving that incompatibility exists. Recognising which attachment style may be driving these feelings can help you address the root cause more effectively.
Impact on Core Relationship Needs
When considering changes, it’s vital to differentiate between personal preferences and fundamental relationship needs. Some aspects, such as a partner's refusal to engage in meaningful dialogue or perpetual irresponsibility, could genuinely be deal breakers. Reflecting on whether you could maintain a fulfilling relationship if these aspects remain unchanged is paramount. If the inability to change would significantly impact your happiness or well-being, it’s a significant point to consider.
Realistic Expectations and Willingness to Change
It's important to establish whether there has been any indication of a partner's willingness or ability to change. True and lasting change often needs to originate from within the individual being asked to change. If a partner is only making superficial changes to appease demands, it may not result in long-term satisfaction for either party. Genuine, intrinsic motivation to improve or adapt certain behaviours is necessary for meaningful change.
Accepting or Moving On
Ultimately, evaluating whether you can accept your partner as they are is crucial. Holding on to unrealistic expectations for change can lead to perpetual dissatisfaction and resentment. If fundamental needs are unmet and there is no mutual willingness to work towards meaningful change, it might be time to reassess the relationship’s viability. Acceptance of a partner’s true self, along with honest communication about non-negotiables, is key to a healthy relationship dynamic.
Embracing Humility and Self-Growth
Embarking on this self-reflective journey is an opportunity for personal growth. Discovering more about what drives your desires for change can lead to a deeper understanding of your own needs and insecurities. This humility and self-awareness can enrich not just your romantic relationships but all interpersonal connections.
By maintaining a balanced perspective on the desire for change in a partner, you can foster a more compassionate and realistic approach to relationships. Whether it leads to a deeper connection with your partner or a realisation that it’s time to move on, this exploration can ultimately guide you towards more fulfilling and authentic relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself frequently wishing your partner would change certain aspects of their behaviour? If so, what are these aspects and why do they bother you?
Reflect on whether these desired changes in your partner are fundamental traits or more superficial quirks. What does this reveal about your expectations and tolerance within the relationship?
How do you differentiate between constructive feedback and being overly critical of your partner? What impact do you think your approach has on the relationship?
Consider a time when you felt frustrated with your partner's behaviour. Can you identify any underlying unmet needs or insecurities within yourself that may have contributed to this frustration?
Think about the aspects of your partner that initially attracted you to them. Have these traits changed over time in your perception? What might this shift indicate about your evolving needs and expectations?
In what ways do you take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being, independently of your partner? How could this practice help ease relationship tensions?
Ponder the question: If the things you wish would change about your partner never did, could you find peace and contentment in the relationship as it is? Why or why not?
How do you handle situations where there is a fundamental disparity between your core relationship needs and your partner's behaviour? What strategies could help bridge this gap?
Reflect on any instances where you've projected your unhappiness or dissatisfaction onto your partner. What steps can you take to address these feelings within yourself before placing them on the relationship?
How do you and your partner communicate about needed changes and growth within the relationship? What improvements could be made to foster a more supportive and understanding dialogue?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering the listener question of, is it wrong to want my partner to change? I think that this is a predicament that a lot of us will relate to to varying degrees at different points in life and in relationships. Is that niggling voice in your head that starts to feel really critical of your partner, maybe in a general sense, or specific things that they do. But having that sense of if they just change this thing, then everything would be different, or then I'd be more attracted to them, or then all my needs would be met and we wouldn't be fighting or we wouldn't be disconnected or whatever it might be. But this feeling that the problems in the relationship or the way that you're feeling towards them originate with them and, you know, needing them to change is kind of the roadblock standing in the way of your happiness or your satisfaction, your peace, whatever it might be. So I think it's a feeling that a lot of us will relate to. And as always, I think that it's important to inquire and get curious with, you know, how much of this is my stuff? How much of this is telling me something about the relationship that needs my attention? Is there anything there for my partner to action and sifting through that in a way that really allows us to have a bit more clarity rather than just following those voices and those stories in our head that can lead us to, you know, not very nice or constructive behavior within our relationship when we are in that mode of judgment and criticism and maybe even being a bit manipulative, trying to change our partner.
[00:02:09]:
And I think that as we'll get into sometimes there can be some, you know, egoic drives in there where we're kind of self centered and, whether we realize it or not, they can be an arrogance to wanting our partners to change because often we want them to change to be more like us. So taking responsibility, taking ownership for all of those things and, getting clarity around it, I think is really important because so much of the time, our relationship, our partner, the way we're feeling about those things is just a mirror or is feedback, that's pointing us towards something within us that needs some love and care. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to be offering you some thoughts and some guiding questions that might shed some light on that dynamic as it applies to your relationship. Before I dive into that, a super quick reminder that I am offering a 50% off sale on all my master classes and courses on my website. You can use the code, Hey, baby, all one word, to save 50% on those, which is to celebrate the birth of my baby, which was 1 month ago today. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around wanting to change partner.
[00:03:21]:
Now, as I often do at the start of an episode, I just want to almost give a bit of a permission slip to be human here. I don't think it's something we have to beat ourselves up over this desire to change a partner. I think it would be dishonest for someone to say that they've never had those thoughts or those urges or those moments of frustration where you just wish that your partner were different in some way that they, you know, acted differently, presented themselves differently, coped with things differently. And so I think that, you know, giving ourselves the grace and cutting ourselves some slack for being human in having those thoughts and urges is important. Always wanting to be compassionate. That, of course, doesn't give us permission slip to act on those impulses or those urges. And I think that's where we really need to take responsibility and go, okay. How am I acting out here? Am I being critical? Am I being nitpicky? And what kind of culture is that creating in my relationship? Is it really a culture that is inspiring of growth and change, in, you know, a positive direction? Or is it creating a culture of disconnection, and, you know, disapproving judgment? All of those things, which, you know, if you have ever been on the receiving end of, tends not to be terribly inspiring and, you know, it leads to more disconnection.
[00:04:44]:
So as I said, I'm going to offer you some questions to get a bit more clarity around this wanting to change your partner, because I think that this can arise in a lot of different circumstances. You know, it might just be feeling almost like the ick towards your partner, which some people relate to. I think almost people with more avoidant tendencies tend to experience more of that ick than people with anxious tendencies. I think that people who have more anxious attachment tend to wanna change their partner in ways that they see as solidifying the relationship. So if there's any sense that the relationship disconnected in some way or the relationship is lacking, It's really easy to pin that on what's wrong with the partner and tell yourself the story that if they were different, then everything would be solved. And so changing your partner becomes, you know, the solution to all of your problems. Whereas, I think that, for more avoidant folks, changing your partner or being critical of your partner, is more of a distancing strategy. It can feel like if they were different, you know, we'd be a better fit.
[00:05:52]:
And the fact that they are like that, and I feel this sense of resistance or criticism or judgment towards them is proof that we're not meant to be together. So we can see that what starts as a similar seed kind of grows in 2 different directions as is often the case, with these, you know, different attachment patterns and styles. So the first question that I wanna put to you around, you know, this wanting your partner to change is are the things that you're wanting to change about your partner, little things or big things? So is it, you know, little quirks that they have, you know, the way that they dress or the way that they eat or the music that they listen to, you know, things that are kind of peripheral to who they are, but, you know, nonetheless make up parts of them. Are those things irking you or is it big things like, you know, fundamental to their relational dynamic? Is it that they refuse to talk about relationship issues or, you struggle to have any sort of constructive as they're showing up in their relationship or just as themselves, that you are taking issue with and you're wanting them to change. So I think, you know, naturally, if it's the little things that are bothering you, I think we have to, I don't know, query how important those things really are. And I think that when we fixate on those little things, it's usually pointing us to something within us, a perfectionism or some other rigidity or desire to control, or perhaps an unmet need there. And we're using those little things as almost a scapegoat for, you know, a way to validate how we're feeling in a deeper sense. So, big things or little things, then we maybe need to go to the next step, which is, have I always been bothered by these things or is it a recent development? So if you've always been bothered by these things, I think that's a very different scenario and a much less common one than if it's a recent development.
[00:08:07]:
And if it's more recent that you've started to have this sense of frustration or, you know, resistance, criticism, judgment, disapproval of your partner, then reflect on what else is going on. What's the backdrop to this, that might give me more information as to, you know, accompanying unmet needs, things that are going on in the relationship that are leading me to project this onto my partner, and wanting them to change. You know, what else accompanies this? Because I think that much of the time, what you'll find is the things that you end up being frustrated about in your you weren't bothered by initially. You know, I often give the example, you know, you might be really attracted to someone's spontaneity, but 6 months or a year into the relationship, you're pulling your hair out with frustration at the fact that they can't stick to a plan. You might be really attracted to someone's passion and that they have really strong opinions and they're really engaged. But down the track, you might find it frustrating that they can't just let anything go, or they always have to have the last word or some other expression of that trait. You might be really attracted to someone's self discipline and really admire that about them only to subsequently become frustrated with the fact that they're too uptight and rigid and you wish that they'd just lighten up. So getting curious around, like, have I just changed the way that I relate to aspects of them that were always there and maybe even aspects of them that I once really appreciated? Or, you know, is there something else here? And I think as a bit of a hint, oftentimes, we're attracted to someone else, expressing a trait that we don't have or that we've suppressed or judged within ourselves.
[00:10:07]:
So you might really admire someone's ability to be the center of attention and to be really confident in social settings because that's not something that comes naturally to you. And it's maybe something that you really wish you could embody. But while that's attractive to you in the first place, in the first instance, when you meet them, down the track, you might notice the same parts of you that suppress that or a critical of that within yourself. Start to you know, arc up and, and express those same criticisms towards them. And so you wanna suppress that in them the same way that you suppress it within yourself. So I think that getting curious around like, oh, how, where is this come from this sense of criticism that I feel towards my partner, and wanting them to change? Am I wanting them to just be more like me? And is that really what I want? Because as much as we can tell ourselves the story that, if they were more like me, then everything would be easier. You'd probably also experience a loss of attraction if that were the case, because much of the time it really is our differences, that allow us to complement each other and to work really well as a team and to maintain that sense of separateness that can fuel attraction in a relationship, as much as particularly if you're more anxious, the desire to merge and enmesh into one unit can really be there. And that can be almost like a form of safety that if we're just kind of melded into 1, then we're inseparable.
[00:11:39]:
And that makes me feel safer. It tends to not actually be conducive to a really healthy, thriving relationship. Okay. The next question that I wanna offer you is, do the things that I want to change or that I'm hoping will change in my partner relate to my core relationship needs? And relatedly, if things never changed in that respect, could I make my peace with that or would that be a deal breaker? Now, this is obviously a big question, and we're getting more into the territory here of really foundational stuff rather than, you know, it annoys me the way that they do their hair or don't do their hair or something trivial. You know, is there something really fundamental to the relationship here that I'm hoping will change, that goes to my ability to be happy in this place, in my life with them. Is that what I'm hoping will change? And I think this can get a bit murky and challenging, because so many of us, you know, I've been guilty of this absolutely persistent relationships where there is this kind of abstract hope of something changing, things are gonna get better, you know, next month, next year. And, you know, in the meantime, we persist in dynamics that are really dissatisfying. And there's just like a real lack of connection, a lack of joy.
[00:13:08]:
You know, there's really stuff missing there. And I think oftentimes, even though we make it out to be very complicated, most of the time, you know, deep down when there's something that's not right about the relationship, when there's something missing. And that's not always to say that you need to walk away at that point, but where the relationship is really fundamentally not meeting your needs and it kind of never has, there's never been a sense that it's been right, but you've just always been pushing and pushing and telling yourself that like, you know, at some abstract future point, everything's going to be different. Notwithstanding the fact that there's kind of no evidence pointing to that ever coming to fruition. I think that's when we have to start getting honest about how healthy or constructive it is for us to be holding on to this, you know, hope that our partner is going to change when there's really nothing pointing to that actually happening. When that change is related to something that's pretty foundational to our sense of, you know, joy, peace, well-being. I think it's also important to say there, again, it kind of relates to what I was speaking about earlier. We can often project things onto our partner and make it their responsibility to make us happy, and tell ourselves that, you know, when they change these things, then I will be happy.
[00:14:25]:
And again, I think that, you know, if you've not historically been great at taking care of yourself at, you know, living a vibrant life without a partner being that source of vibrancy for you, then it's really easy to pin that on them and, and blame your lack of vitality or lack of joy or lack of peace, on what might be missing in the relationship. So it's always this really delicate balancing act, and it's such a nuanced conversation of what is really something that we want our relationship to be giving us in terms of kind of life force, versus what we need to be sourcing for ourselves and then allowing our relationships to be, you know, a beautiful addition to that rather than the source of it. And again, I think there's no clear cut answer here. And I'm probably not speaking to, you know, people who are on the edge there. It's probably more situations like, you know, a relationship that I was in, where I was really fundamentally not happy. My needs are not being met. The relationship was just not what I wanted. And yet there was some part of me that thought that, you know, it was going to get better, even though it just wasn't.
[00:15:41]:
And I was expecting that to come from my partner changing, you know, kind of magically becoming someone that he wasn't. And, you know, that was a recipe for me staying stuck there for a really long time. So I think that asking yourself that question of if things never changed in these material respects, and I'm hoping they will, would that be okay Or would that be a deal breaker if you told me in 5 years time that this part of your relationship, this aspect, this conflicts that you keep having on repeat, is still going to be there or, you know, your partner is still going to be behaving in this way that you find to be really problematic. You know, if that was still the case, then would that be a deal breaker for you? And I think if the answer is yes, it would be a deal breaker for me, then you have to ask the question of, well, has my partner indicated any willingness to work on this thing that, you know, we can recognize is causing an issue in our relationship. And again, if the answer is no, then we have to do a bit of a reality check on, well, am I just, you know, hoping that something's going to change when there's no reason that it would? You know, if days are going by and weeks months are going by, nothing's changing because nothing's being done. And it's something that's really fundamentally important to me. And I've made that clear to my partner. If there's no movement towards change that's originating with them.
[00:17:16]:
And I really do believe that as much as we can, you know, express a desire or a need in a relationship, if it's asking someone to make changes within themselves, that's got to come from them in the sense that they've got to have some intrinsic motivational desire to make that change in order for it to stick in any substantive, meaningful, long term way. If it's just you telling someone they have to do something and they are reluctantly agreeing in order to, you know, get you to stop nagging them or just to restore some sort of peace. But they don't actually deeply agree or they don't want that, I can all but guarantee you that that's not gonna be the solution. Or, you know, if they don't understand what the problem actually is and they're just kind of agreeing with you, then there's probably not gonna be the change that you're looking for, and there's a good chance that you'll just keep spinning around in those cycles. So really reflecting if it is something that's non negotiable, if it's big, and it's, you know, a deal breaker for you potentially, if it weren't to change, then has there been any indication from your partner that they're actually, you know, willing, able to make those changes. And, you know, what's the plan, what action are they taking and, you know, what have they done to show to you that, they really get it and it's really important to them as well, independent from it just being something that you've told them they have to do as some sort of ultimatum or condition of being in the relationship. Because as I said, those things tend not to stick. So that was a lot.
[00:19:01]:
I hope that you've managed to follow that web of questions and different permutations of this dynamic of changing a partner. As I said, in the introduction, there's sort of different bits there and different scenarios that that speaks to whether it's just the nitpicky things that might point us, you know, to something within ourselves that needs our attention, maybe where you're projecting onto our partner because we're feeling a bit disconnected from ourselves, from our own vitality, and we're making that about them. We're kind of blaming them for the way that we're feeling, in which case that's really good information and something that we can work with. If it's bigger things, if you're really unhappy in the relationship, kind are kind of deal breakers for you or non negotiables, I should say, in terms of, you know, your willingness to be in the relationship, then I think we have to get really clear around, you know, how realistic that hope is, and whether there's any accompanying action or plan or, or kind of evidence, upon which to be, just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are going to get better. Just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are gonna get better. You know, at some future point, next week, month, once we get past this milestone, then everything will be better. But if there's nothing to actually support that, then I think we do have to get a bit honest with ourselves and, you know, say, can I accept this person as they are? And if I can't, then is this the right relationship for me to be in? And I think that can be a really eye opening, and humbling inquiry to go down. So I hope that this has been helpful as always.
[00:20:54]:
So grateful to all of you who tune in, who leave reviews and feedback on Spotify and Apple. I read every single review and comment. I'm always so, so grateful for your kind words and support. It means the world to me. Thanks so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:15]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, insecurity, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, partner change, listener question, critical partner, relationship problems, unmet needs, relationship solutions, judgment, criticism, manipulative behavior, egoic drives, self-centered, ownership, relationship feedback, love and care, guiding questions, master classes, courses, relationship dynamics, relational needs, criticism resistance, anxious attachment, avoidant tendencies, relational change, deal breaker, relationship reflection
From Conflict to Connection with James "Fish" Gill (@james_fish_gill)
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by James "Fish" Gill to talk all things conflict and conscious communication. Fish is a coach, teacher and facilitator whose work offers a compassionate paradigm for relating to and transforming moments of conflict in all of our relationships.
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by James "Fish" Gill to talk all things conflict and conscious communication. Fish is a coach, teacher and facilitator whose work offers a compassionate paradigm for relating to and transforming moments of conflict in all of our relationships.
Our conversation covers a lot of ground, including:
Why we so easily end up in conflict and opposition with people we love
How we unconsciously escalate conflict
Using compassion and curiosity to understand someone else's perspective
Holding both positive intention and unintended impact as true
Reframing defensiveness, withdrawal and other assumed ill-intent......and so much more!
To connect with James:
On Instagram: @james_fish_gill
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a recent conflict you experienced. Can you identify any unconscious communication patterns, such as defence mechanisms or fault-finding, that may have played a role? How might recognising and addressing these patterns change the dynamic of the interaction?
Consider a time when you found it challenging to see the good intentions in someone’s behaviour that was generally condemned. What emotions did this stir in you, and how did it affect your response to the individual and the situation?
Think about an instance where you felt hurt by someone close to you. How did you react initially, and how might considering their pain and deeper intentions, as James suggests with his three questions, have altered your perspective and response?
Resistance in relationships can be a significant barrier to connection. Have you encountered resistance from someone recently? How did you approach it, and in hindsight, how could understanding and validating their experience have made a difference?
Analyse your own behaviour in conflicts. Are there ways in which you might inadvertently contribute to, or escalate, tensions? What steps can you take to become more self-aware and adjust your approach to conflict resolution?
Recall a time when your good intentions were misunderstood, leading to conflict. How did you address the situation? Going forward, how can you ensure that your intentions are communicated effectively, and how can you also acknowledge any unintended upset they may cause?
Think about the concept of compassion towards oneself and others during conflict. Do you find it easy or challenging to lead with compassion when facing resistance or hostility? How could adopting a more compassionate stance impact your relationships?
On a broader scale, consider an international or community conflict that is significant to you. Applying James' worldview of acknowledging the tender longings and pain of all humans, how might this perspective shift your understanding of the conflict and the parties involved?
Have you ever felt compelled to cut someone out of your life because they upset you? Reflect on the cultural misunderstandings around compassion that James critiques. Might there be a different approach that acknowledges your own boundaries while also striving for understanding?
When was the last time someone demanded that you make the first move to resolve a conflict? How did this make you feel, and what was the outcome? Reflecting on this, how might taking the first step yourself, despite the challenge, create new opportunities for connection and healing?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie [00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm so excited to be joined by my dear friend and teacher, James Fish Gill. Fish is a coach, yoga teacher and facilitator and his work focuses on conflict and using conscious communication and a compassion led approach to transform moments of conflict into deeper connection. His work has been incredibly impactful on my own work and I'm so excited to have him here on the podcast to share with you. Our conversation covers a lot of ground and there's so much wisdom in there, so I hope that you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed recording it for you.
Stephanie [00:01:14]:
Now, just before we kick off, a quick reminder that my signature programme, Healing Anxious Attachment, is opening for enrollment in a couple of weeks time. If you're not already on the waitlist and you would like to be, definitely head to my website or use the link in the show notes. The waitlist guarantees you a spot in the programme and also allows you to access exclusive early bird pricing. This is my signature programme that over 1500 people have been through in the past two years. So it's very near and dear to my heart and will be the last round that I'm running for the foreseeable future as I'll be taking some time away to have a baby. So if you are someone who's struggling with anxious attachment and you'd like some tools and a really comprehensive approach to understanding yourself better and learning a new way of being in relationship that is more spacious and freeing, I would love to see you inside healing anxious attachment. So definitely jump on the waitlist if you haven't already. Okay, now for my conversation with fish Gill.
Stephanie [00:02:21]:
Hi, Fish. So great to be here with you.
James [00:02:24]:
It's great to join you. Steph, I'm so always so moved by how articulate you are about the nuances of relationship and humanness. Yeah. So I hold you in very high regard, so it's beautiful to join you.
Stephanie [00:02:43]:
Likewise. We've been talking about this for about six months, I think, since I came to a workshop that you were running in Sydney and then I had to go and get myself pregnant and that put everything on the back burner for a bit, but we're finally doing it.
James [00:02:57]:
That's a reasonable excuse?
Stephanie [00:02:59]:
Yeah, I would hope so. But it's thrown some of my plans into disarray in the short term. But it's okay, we've made it. So maybe for those who are uninitiated in you and your world and what you do, you could give us a quick 101 of conscious communication. But I think that's like, even that is kind of a big umbrella thing. And I think you have such a distinctive expression of that work which I hold in such high regard. Obviously, I think we connected on Instagram maybe a couple of years ago now, but I was fortunate enough to come to a workshop that you ran, as I said, in Sydney last year and within about 3 seconds of that wrapping up, signed up for your facilitator training programme, which I'm doing at the moment. So suffice it to say, I'm a huge fan of your work and your way of doing things. So maybe you could give people a bit of a flavour of what you do.
James [00:04:00]:
Where do I begin? So many doorways that we could walk through. I think really the real essence of what I term conscious communication is realising that in the face of our inevitable relationship upsets, which, by the way, we don't necessarily relate to conflict, misunderstanding, hurts, fights as inevitable. We might even sort of relate to them as bad or wrong. But once we realise that relationship upset is inevitable, then we can start to get really quite skillful at how we meet it. And one of the essence of this work is really the realisation that to transform a moment of upset between us and others, we need to create open heartedness. And yet conflict will necessarily be characterised by closed heartedness, both in us and in them. And so the work that I teach and the invitations that I make to students at my work is, are you willing to be the one to recommence the opening between you and them? Because we can't evoke someone's openness by meeting them with our closedness. We have to evoke them with our openness.
James [00:05:45]:
And what I mean. So some people might be listening and going, what is this open and closed of which you speak? What I mean by openness is that sense that you get when someone reaches out to you and expresses their appreciation for you. Or someone sends you a message saying, I'm thinking of you, or I love you, or I care about you, or thank you, or I'm sorry, or you must have really been suffering recently and I can't imagine how it was for you. Like all these ways in which someone gets in our world, it opens us. Right. I've just received text message thread from my two sisters and we're organising to catch up this evening for a glass of wine. And as soon as they start to express how excited they are to see me, my heart naturally opens. And then what I mean by closedness is the other very natural state of the heart where something happens and we feel suddenly criticised by them, or misunderstood by them, or falsely accused by them, or cast out by them, or judged or unthought of or excluded.
James [00:07:04]:
And I don't even have to think about it, I don't plan my heart closing. It just naturally happens. I've recently been through a very tender experience where communication was cut by someone I love very deeply. And immediately upon that happening, I noticed this absolute stone cold closedness that arose in me. And so the work of conscious communication really begins by recognising that hearts have the capacity to be open or closed.
Stephanie [00:07:40]:
Yeah.
James [00:07:41]:
And to address our inevitable relationship hurts, misunderstandings, conflicts and upsets, we have to be able to create, evoke openness between us and between us and them. And we have to do that by evoking openness in us first, to meet them with our openness. Another way of considering conflict is my nervous system and your nervous system colliding in a state of distress. And as soon as nervous systems meet in distress, the distress amplifies, even if you're quite calm and I walk in the door home from work and I'm like, freaking traffic, you will start to feel a sense of distress in your nervous system that is responding to the distress in mine. So to be able to transform relationship upset, I have to create a sense of safety in me, in my nervous system. The absence of threat, that is, and meet you with that, so that I evoke your safety. And that might sound simple, but you know very well that that's not at all how we're hardwired. As soon as conflict arises, as soon as some uncertain moment surfaces, we immediately contract. And they immediately contract, and then we tend to start to communicate from that contraction. And that sounds like blame, it sounds like dismissal, it sounds like always or never statements. It sounds. What was that?
Stephanie [00:09:36]:
Why should I? And I think that so much of what you're saying, and I know we've talked about this, fish, is that it takes this openness, and I would say, like, immense courage to lead with openness when everything in our being is saying, like, close, contract, protect, defend. To be the one to open in the face of that, when you can't guarantee the outcome, it takes a lot of courage. And I think that certainly that fear based part of us, or the hurt, the pain can say, like, why should I have to be the one to open? Why should I have to lead resolution or lead repair? And I think that can in and of itself, be such a fruitful, juicy inquiry into our own stuff, our own pain and hurt.
James [00:10:33]:
It's a magnificent insight into humanness, Steph, that, you know, if I had a dollar for every time someone said, yeah, but why is it mine to do the opening? Listen to what they said or did. I'm not going to be the one to open. I've got to wait for them to do the opening because it's their job to do the opening for us because they are at fault. It's such a natural human response. And this is part of getting conscious, that is bringing our awareness to things that we're not aware of naturally, is we wait for the openness from them. We demand it. Think about the last time someone did something that really upset you. Chances are, metaphorically, even if not physically, you kind of crossed your arms and gave a bit of a.
James [00:11:30]:
And stood in the place of you. Better remedy this for us because look at how hurt I am. So we naturally adopt this stance of closedness and demanding them to be the one to reopen us. That's very natural. But when you consider that's happening on both ends of the argument, you start to realise why conflict escalates. Because the more I demand, if you and I are in conflict, the more I demand that you're the one to do the opening for us, the more you're going to feel blamed by me. And what does that evoke in you? Closedness, withdrawal, defensiveness, hurt, feeling villainized, feeling misunderstood. And the more you experience that, the more you're going to feel like it's my job to be the compassionate one, to get over there in your world.
James [00:12:33]:
And the more you do that to me, the more you demand that I'm the one to open, the more misunderstood I feel about how hurt I am and how it's definitely your job to do the opening. So it becomes like this mexican standoff where we're both just arms crossed in a hump, thinking, I'm only going to open when you do. With both human beings doing that, conflict is guaranteed to endure and to escalate. So, yeah, what a critical question. Why would I be willing to be the one? And as you know, another critical question becomes, how? Like, if I am willing, how on earth do I open and stand in a place of radical compassion? When I've been really seriously upset or hurt or cast out by someone who I have every right to be more loving than that, how and why would I be open? And this brings us to the fact that in our world, and I can't speak to whether this has always been true on the planet, but certainly in our culture or in our mixture of cultures, currently, there is this incredible misunderstanding of compassion, as if to be compassionate is to condone hurtful or unsafe behaviour. And so much of this is what I love about your work, Steph, is because you come from such a kindness and compassion and humanity about both people, what's the dynamic? What's going on for both people? What's their experience? But so much of the relationship, Instagram, pop psychology stuff around relationships and boundaries, takes the flavour of, if people upset you, then you deserve better. Cut them out of your life.
Stephanie [00:14:45]:
You know how that goes for you.
James [00:14:47]:
Yeah. If you take that path, you're just going to end up incredibly alone, while also just feeling justified that you're good and everyone else is not good enough. That's a lonely, lonely path. So to actually start to realise that we don't see all the ways in which we naturally contribute to opposition and upset in every moment, we don't see the ways. And as you understand the work that I do is, let's start to see all the ways. I was making a list the other day that was titled ways that we contribute to and escalate conflict. And my list is at 15. At the moment, there's 15 different ways that we usually can't notice that we actually make opposition between us and others, all the time thinking that we didn't do any of that.
James [00:15:51]:
It was them.
Stephanie [00:15:52]:
Yeah. And I think that, again, I've spoken to you about this in my own processes around this work. It can be really hard when you have a self image that is like, but I'm good. I'm the good one. I'm the one putting in the effort and trying to say the thing in the right way. And all of that stuff that we tell ourselves, how could my goodness, be misconstrued here and be landing so differently on this other person? And so there is this, I think, particularly for those of us who tend more towards that fawning response, or I'll fix it, and I'll very gently kind of manoeuvre around this to try and make everything feel really good and harmonious and connected, because that can look really sweet. We really can struggle to own or take responsibility for or get curious about how that might be received, or that there could be anything other than that good intention that we're kind of putting out there. It can just feel really unfair, like this sense of injustice, of how did this good thing become another conflict when that's the opposite of what I was wanting.
James [00:17:09]:
Exactly. Beautiful. So if we were to divide my work into two halves, you're speaking to one half of it, which is becoming masterful at having our good intentions land. Because all your listeners right now, if I asked you, what good intention thing have you done in the last week? You'd probably come up with 100. As human beings, we move from a place of longing and yearning for ourselves to be safe and well and happy and joyful and at ease, and also for others. So there's such upset that arises for us when we've taken some action or said something or even not taken an action based on some beautiful, valid intention that we had. Look how loving I was being. Right? Look how loving I was being.
James [00:18:10]:
And what we did or said was received so poorly by them. I'll use the example that I think you're familiar with. But when my daughter, who's now 24, when she was 22, I arranged a 22nd birthday party for her and we gathered around at a local bar and had this beautiful food and everyone was there. And midway through the night, I dinged my glass and I said, I just want to say a few words about this remarkable young woman before us. And I spoke to three of her greatest character strengths. She's also beautiful and accomplished, but I wanted to speak to the essence of her, like her character, the part of her that all of us get to witness and love. So I talked about her wisdom and I talked about her courage and I talked about her kindness. And there I am, just pouring out my heart and there's not a dry eye in the place because everyone feels like their love for my daughter also got recognised in my speech.
James [00:19:19]:
But down the end of the table, when I finally catch a glimpse of my daughter, her arms are crossed, her face is red, she's turned away from me. And when I go to speak to her after the speech, she's like, I don't want to talk about it, dad. And avoids me for the rest of the night. So there's an example where my beautiful, loving intention, which was to be fully expressed in my love for her and to leave her feeling deeply honoured on her birthday and make it all about her. I couldn't work out why it was a problem for her. And this is one of the unconscious assumptions, one of the two unconscious assumptions that we make. Because my intentions were so wonderful, they should have received it as wonderful in reality. It turns out, in every moment of conflict, that while I had beautiful intentions, they also experienced some unintended upset as a result of what I did or said.
James [00:20:25]:
So it turns out later on I find out, through getting curious, that she's left feeling unfairly put on the spot, ambushed with emotionality, dad's emotionality. She felt embarrassed and she felt like her needs weren't being considered. Like I was making her birthday all about me and my expression instead of feeling into her and what she wanted, which was just a light touch and a fun night. So once we start to look for all the ways in which we had such loving intentions, and our loving intentions landed as hurtful or distressing or upsetting for someone, we start to see, actually everywhere. That recipe is everywhere. Unconscious communication says once we can start to recognise that upset is characterised by I had a loving intention and my actions created an upset for you, then we stop resisting reality and we get connected to reality. Because only when I'm connected to that truth, that my loving intentions are real and the upset my daughter felt is also real. Only when I can get connected to those two things and hold them both and deeply honour them both to the extent that they both ache to be honoured, only then am I standing in reality.
James [00:22:02]:
And remember, back in the unconscious model, I'm standing there going, I don't know what your problem is, darling. I gave a loving speech. Get over yourself. How dare you respond that way? You should be more appreciative. Anyone would love a father who spoke so openly about his love for her. So can you hear how my natural response is to try and make her wrong for the experience that she's having? Whereas conscious communication says, of course you're having an experience, and it differs from the experience I wanted you to have. And both those things are true.
Stephanie [00:22:42]:
Yeah. I think that the speed with which we go to defend our good intention, it's so automatic. It's like muscle memory. And it's still something that I really struggle with a lot, because, again, it feels so true. Right. I've heard you speak about this before, fish. It's like, of course our reality feels true and of course we have infinite context for everything that we want and feel and everything we've ever experienced. It feels true because we're so deep in it.
Stephanie [00:23:23]:
And it can be unfathomable that there's this big disconnect between what we wanted and how we're being perceived or how something landed for someone else. I think that having that ability to hold both is not something that comes naturally to most of us and is something that we really do have to actively practise and cultivate because it's so counter to everything that we've ever really been taught about the world and in every story, in the media, in global politics, everywhere, it's just so deeply oppositional. We're always looking to figure out, okay, but who was worse and better or who was at fault or who was to blame. We just seek out that kind of clean cut certainty that invariably misses reality.
James [00:24:14]:
You can understand how, like, if I go back to my scenario with my daughter on her 22nd birthday, if the approach I take is telling her she shouldn't feel how she feels, then she's actually going to experience being dismissed by me and that's going to deepen the rift between us. She's going to feel like I'm completely unwilling to be responsible for the very real pain my actions caused her. But over here in my world, I'm just trying to convince her of my goodness, which is real as well. And so I think, Steph, you speak to it like a core ache or a core wound in us. Any moment that our goodness is not recognised, it fucking hurts. And we recoil from the accusation of being somehow bad or wrong or a pain causer or a villain, insensitive or nasty or controlling or any other label that they might give us. So let's for a moment validate why. Let's look at a little bit more deeply why we find it so hard to stay open and present when someone else expresses the pain that our actions brought them.
James [00:25:33]:
Going back to my scenario, number one is that I'm sending the gift of love and it's not being received. And that's heartbreaking for us anytime that the love that we're trying to exhibit or transmit to others for their well being, anytime that doesn't land, it's distressing for us, right? Because it's like the channel of love didn't remain open, it got pinched off somewhere. Number two is because we care about them and they're expressing pain to us. We don't want their pain because we care about them. So there's also distress in the fact that they're sitting with pain. And number three, it's likely that when they're expressing their pain to us, they're taking the form of blame, like saying, you did this to me. Very natural. Most human beings naturally communicate their pain through the lens of blame.
James [00:26:38]:
Look at what you've done to me. So that's painful for us because they're asking us to be responsible for some pain that they've got that we don't want for them. That differs from what we were trying to send to them. It's like if I used a postal service analogy, it's like me sending chocolates to you and you opening your front door and ringing me and saying, how dare you send this bag of dog shit to me? And I'm like, hang on a sec. I don't want you to have the dog shit because I care about you. I'm not at fault for the dog shit you think I sent. And why didn't you receive the chocolates? Right. So it's like, that might be a really clumsy analogy, but it starts to really make sense of why we naturally recoil anytime someone comes to us and expresses their pain.
James [00:27:30]:
For as long as I recoil from my daughter's pain, the relationship goes untended to the gap between me and her widens the more dismissed or uncared for she feels and the more falsely accused I feel. So the only way that we can repair that is one of us has to bridge the gap and hold both of those things. Look at what I was hoping for and look at what she was suffering with and, you know, making that sort of jump over the bridge between our self centred view into the expanded view of me and you. You know what that takes because you've been practising doing it. And I really think that's a spiritual practise, because we're having to get out of our little ego seat, which is so sure, based on our own data. I'm so sure, as her loving dad, because of the love I feel and the words I'm speaking and everyone's teary eyes, I'm so sure that the reality of that moment is that I was being loving. So clearly the problem's over there with her interpretation. Right? That's how the ego, which is a wonderfully protective mechanism to keep ourselves distinct and safe and have our identity maintained.
James [00:28:56]:
But in that case, my ego, the way that I'm trapped in my own view, based on my own data, keeps me in disconnection with my daughter because I start to just make her wrong effortlessly. You're being ridiculous. You've taken things the wrong way. You're being emotional. Here we go again. You should be more appreciative. And fuel to the fire. Right? So what that has to sound like eventually, if I can expand my awareness, I can come to her and I can try to hold both of those.
James [00:29:34]:
Which starts to sound a little bit like this. My love. When I gave that speech yesterday at your birthday, I was so longing to be fully expressed for the extraordinary love I have for you. And I just wanted you to be the recipient of that love, not just mine, but everyone's. And I've started to realise that how I went about expressing my love may well have left you feeling embarrassed, unfairly put on the spot, like you're being ambushed with dad's emotionality and might have even left you feeling as if I didn't consider your needs. So maybe you felt hurt or angry or disappointed or frustrated. Can you hear that? In those two parts of my offer, what I call an offer, I'm speaking very fiercely to the love in my heart, to the goodness in me, but I'm also speaking equally fiercely to the unintended pain that my actions created. We can only do that if we are prepared to recognise that as we move through our world with beautiful intentions in our heart, we are constantly creating unintended upset for others, like, constantly.
James [00:30:56]:
And that's a little confronting because we think no loving intention should just be enough.
Stephanie [00:31:04]:
Yeah. I think that hearing that expression, that offer, you can see how. You can feel how it just melts defences. Right? There's not much to fight against in that offer. And so it really is so contrary to the default mode that most of us take to conflict. Right. And it is really, really disarming very naturally. I think, in the same way that the alternative is naturally going to increase conflict and opposition and closedness can see how openness sort of just cascades from that kind of offer to someone of like, oh, yeah, my goodness.
Stephanie [00:31:47]:
But also I can see that and I really didn't want that for you, but I can see that it's real and I'm so sorry about that.
James [00:31:54]:
Yeah. And this is how we use communication to bring emotional safety into the room, because can you feel if I go to her and say, I don't know what your problem is, you're being ridiculous, and she says, why don't you give a shit about my needs, dad? It's my birthday. You can feel the direction that conversation is going to head. And in that moment of conflict, there's no safety for me because I'm not having my goodness recognised. And there's no safety for her because it feels like her very real pain is getting dismissed by her father. So to generate safety, that offer says, hey, I'm going to speak fiercely to the goodness in me and I'm also going to speak very fiercely to the very real pain that you may well be in. So what's happening there is I get to be valid and she gets to be valid. So we're vacuuming out of the space all the natural unconscious tendencies about who's right and who's wrong, who's more valid than the other, what should or shouldn't have happened, who's being x or Y or z in terms of how I label your behaviour.
James [00:33:08]:
So we're vacuuming out all the oppositional aspects of our unconscious way of communicating, which is attack and defend, right and wrong, you versus me, whose fault is it? And once we vacuum out all the oppositional tendencies, we're just left with two people having very real experiences.
Stephanie [00:33:28]:
So I wonder, because I think in the story of your daughter's birthday, your good intention is more readily discernible, and so no one's going to be looking at that and being like, what a dick, right? How could he have done that? So I wonder if we could talk about some more challenging examples where most people would look at a behaviour and go, not great behaviour. Where's the good intention in that? Where it feels a little bit more opaque or murky? Because I think that's where people struggle. It's certainly where I receive a lot of pushback online, and I know you do as well when you start to invite compassion for people whose behaviour is frowned upon, or that we generally condemn as being bad or unhealthy or whatever.
James [00:34:19]:
Toxic.
Stephanie [00:34:21]:
Yeah, toxic, everyone's favourite word. And as you said earlier, I think that misunderstanding that to be compassionate is to condone behaviour. And so people then have this big visceral response against, well, how am I meant to have compassion for that or feel into some positive intention there? Because that's such bad behaviour. And if I do that, doesn't that mean they're just going to keep doing that thing? And I don't want that. So I'll go back to holding my arms.
James [00:34:46]:
Yeah, exactly. Beautiful. Okay, so what we have just been talking about is the first half of this work, which is my beautiful intention, and the unintended upset that I created for my daughter and how they coexist. Now we're moving to the second half, which is the opposite. It's the very real pain I'm in and the deeper intentions behind what someone else did to me. Right. This is an extra challenging half, because the more pain we have experienced as a result of what someone did, the less we naturally have the capacity to be compassionate towards where their actions came from naturally our compassion goes offline under threat or in the space of unsafety or hurt or rejection or fear, et cetera, naturally goes offline. So I just want to say up front and you know this, but people listening to this kind of short little excerpt of this work might not know this.
James [00:35:59]:
Conscious communication has nothing to do with condoning behaviour that creates an unsafety or a hurt or a distrust in us. Nothing to do with condoning that behaviour and healthy relationship often will look like considering at what distance do I need to be from certain behaviours in order to still feel safe in myself? So let's get that kind of disclaimer up the front. And at the same time, there's some things hidden from our view. When someone does or says something that hurts us, there's a bunch of things that we can't naturally see that conscious communication helps us to see. I will use the example of a few years ago now finding out that my wonderful ex wife, she and I get on fantastically. It was just on the phone to her before we got on this call, finding out that my ex wife at some point had spoken to some people in my community that I don't even know, people sort of around and about, people who know me spoken to a few people and revealed some very kind of personal things that suddenly sort of spread like wildfire. And a client of mine came to me and said, hey, I've just heard some things about you and suddenly I'm just left a little bit unsure about whether I actually feel okay to work with you. So I was fortunate that this client came to me and shared that.
James [00:37:40]:
So obviously as you might be able to feel into that. What that left me with was feeling deceived, feeling unfairly revealed, judged, fearful of a judgement being in my community that I had no idea what it was or whether I could even have a chance to speak to it and really hurt. Actually, from that standpoint of being with my hurt, it's very natural for me to look at my ex wife's intentions and leap to some conclusions, such as she's being nasty, she's being controlling, she's being hurtful, she's being malicious, she's spreading rumours, she just wants to bring me down. It's very natural for me to leap to those conclusions. And that really is the world of unconscious communication where we immediately leap to our analysis about someone's intention that is wholly based on our pain. And by the way, our pain is very real. And if my pain is the only data I have access to, then it's easy for me to reach the conclusion that they must be a pain causer. Only when I can start to recognise that she would have had some deeper, valid yearning in her beautiful, tender heart do I ever start to get anywhere near the truth.
James [00:39:08]:
And that was difficult for me to start to do because I just wanted to say, what a such and such. What a such and such for bringing such ill repute on me and leaving me in such. How unfair, how unreasonable, when I look deeper into that, into her intentions. And here are three questions that I considered to go deeper into her intentions. Remember, I'm not condoning that behaviour. Number one, what pain might she have been wanting to express? And remember, we'd been through a divorce and I'd left the relationship. And me leaving the relationship was absolutely devastating and heartbreaking to her. She was left with both of our children to care for full time for a while before we could work out how to do that together.
James [00:39:58]:
It was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking for her. So much pain for her. Devastating. So question number one, what pain was she maybe trying to have expressed by sharing what she did with certain people? Number two, what pain was she trying to get out of or avoid or lessen? A good example of that is when we might deceive our partner, when we might not be transparent about something, which I'm not condoning. I'm not condoning an absence of transparency. In fact, I will champion transparency. But why we might deceive our partner is because there's some risk that we're trying to avoid.
James [00:40:46]:
The risk of upsetting them with the truth, the risk of being judged by being seen for who we really are, the risk of it being taken the wrong way and then plunging us back into conflict when we've just had such a beautiful couple of days after that big fight. So question number two is, what pain might they be trying to avoid? The risk of, or lessen or diminish by doing what they did. And question number three is, what pain of theirs do they need us to taste so that they feel much less alone and much more attuned to in the pain that they're in? And that question number three really goes to the very heart of the most malicious acts. If we look for a moment at Israel Palestine, the dropping of bombs, the shooting of people, the killing of innocent civilians, the holding of captives, on the surface, they just appear incredibly malicious. And, of course, the pain that they create, not just for the individuals involved, but for the whole world, is enormous. And I would never condone such actions at the same time. So many of those actions are based on that. Question number three.
James [00:42:17]:
Some of your listeners will know this in themselves. The pain that we've been through, some of the things that we've done in order to try and get someone else to finally taste what it's been like for us. I think I was sharing with you the other day that one of my wonderful clients that I worked with last year, when I got on a call with her, I said, how are you? And she said, a terrible, terrible. I said, what happened? And she said, I've just sent this terrible message to my ex husband on the eve of our court case to try and work out who gets the kids. And I said, me being me, me being a conflict nerd, I rubbed my hands together and said, let's read the text. Inappropriately fascinated by conflict. And she said, okay, I'll redid the text, but don't judge me. She said.
James [00:43:08]:
She read it out and it said, the day that I met you was the worst day of my life. So she'd composed this text, sent it off to her ex husband on the eve of their court case. Now, if we stand in his shoes, that just appears malicious, doesn't it? Just appears malicious. And he's probably going to reach the conclusion that she's a crazy bitch and the kids are better off with me. And here's how I'm going to add it to my court case, my legal proceedings, and I'm going to make sure that crazy mum doesn't get access like she wants. So things escalate that way. But when we stand in her shoes and obviously she's got regret and remorse for what she sent, but if we get under the surface of where it came from, where it was sent from, we start to realise, and it took her a little while to kind of feel into this with me, but I said, what were you ultimately hoping for? And where she got to was. She said, ultimately, I was hoping for my ex husband to feel the extraordinary pain I've been through since our separation.
James [00:44:10]:
And that's so human. It's so human. I'm not condoning the way she went about it at all. That was very unskillful because it didn't create. It didn't evoke in him an openness to her pain, did it? It immediately shut him down. So those three questions, what pain wants to be expressed, what pain is wanting to be avoided? And what pain do they want us to taste so that they feel attuned to in their pain? Those three questions take us deeper than the errant assumption that they are essentially bad or wrong and wanted our pain. And once we can start to feel into the fact that they wanted something valid and our pain is real, now we're standing in reality. Part of the beauty of that is once we can start to dissolve our assumptions about others as bad, something shifts in our heart in terms of our relationship with the world.
James [00:45:14]:
So the book I'm writing at the moment is called how to fall in love with humanity. Because what starts to happen over time, and I've witnessed this with countless clients, we can start to relate to someone's shitty behaviour as an unskillful way to go about what they were yearning for. That created very real pain for us that we don't need to be anywhere near. But that view of reality is far different than some people are just evil and out to get me and want bad things.
Stephanie [00:45:46]:
Yeah.
James [00:45:47]:
And I've never, in all the thousands of conversations, tens of thousands of conversations over the last 15 years of this work, no one has ever failed to find a deeper, more human yearning in the heart of someone who's hurt them. No one has ever failed to find something much more nuanced and rich and real than they wanted me to suffer.
Stephanie [00:46:16]:
Yeah. And I think that certainly in my experience, there is such freedom in that recognition because you can get really stuck in holding on to the story of, like, that person's just an asshole, that person is just bad, and they meant to hurt me. And we can just spin around in that for a long time. And I don't know about you or anyone listening, but that's never really helped me to feel better in a meaningful sense. It feels kind of juicy in the sense of a sugar hit. Temporarily it gives us something, but it doesn't really sustain us and it certainly doesn't free us from the pain that we're in. Keeps us in it.
James [00:47:05]:
Holding. Yeah. Latching on, being weathered to my assumptions of someone's malicious intent. The sugar hit of that, the kind of junk food aspect of that, that kind of feels zingy and tasty on the tongue is the fact that if I can label someone as bad, then it means that my pain must be valid. Like all the ex partners in the world now going, oh, it makes sense that I was suffering because turns out my ex partner is a narcissist. Like, everyone loves to reach for that, because it has this immediate flavour of validating the very real pain I've been through. Right. If they're the villain, then suddenly I must be valid in the hurt that I've sustained.
James [00:47:46]:
But you're right, it doesn't lead us into an interconnected world, an interrelationship. And if we're committed to interrelationship or inter being or interdependence, which is what relationship is, then we have to be able to move beyond the assumptions of malicious intent. If I come back to my story with my ex wife, it took me a couple of days to tend to my own upset of that. I felt really hurt, like really hurt and really falsely accused and really kind of, what's the word? Almost tricked, right? But when I started to really feel into the heart of the woman that for 15 years I loved more than anything, right? So it's like my heart can actually feel into hers if I allow it. I started to realise that what might have been behind her doing that was actually that she wanted her pain understood by others around her, even people who didn't know me. She wanted to feel like her pain that was still alive for her because of some things that had happened between us. She wanted to feel like she had allies. And so she achieved that by sharing what had happened between us that really left her pain.
James [00:49:02]:
And as soon as I can start to tune into that, I go, you know what? I also want her to have allies in her pain, just like she does. I also want her to have the experience in her heart that her pain is valid and not being dismissed. I want that for her as well. That is the essence of love, when you can start to feel into what someone was yearning for and realise that you would want that for them as well. Now, here's the thing. It might sound like I'm saying to her, it's okay what you did, but actually, no way. No way was that strategy okay with me. And I absolutely won't tolerate it in the future.
James [00:49:45]:
So then I came to her with my pain in one hand and her deeper yearning in the other, and I spoke it to her. So I said something like, I've just found out that some things have been said about me into my community. It's left me feeling kind of ambushed, hurt, unfairly accused and set up and fearful also for my professional reputation. And I can understand that your wonderful intention behind doing and saying what you did is that I imagine that the pain of our separation, that might still be alive in you. I imagine that you just want to be surrounded by people who you feel get your pain. And so you do that by telling some very personal things. And it really makes sense that you might have been really longing for an alliance to have people around you who could support you by knowing what you've been through. And we had this conversation over a beer and she just opened and she said, thank you for being able to see that.
James [00:51:01]:
Of course. That's what I was hoping for, of course. And she had a bit of a cry. And then she spontaneously said, I didn't go about it very skillfully. And I said, absolutely not. I won't tolerate the telling of stories in my community. And I really understand that you're yearning to feel supported in your pain. So I said to her, how might we in the future, have you express your pain? So it's really understood by me in a way that doesn't involve telling stories to people I don't know.
James [00:51:36]:
And she said, maybe I could just come direct to you and express the pain that's still here for me. And I was like, that would be wonderful, let's do that. So there's nothing in this work that says feeling into another's deeper yearning is to condone their behaviour. In fact, only by feeling into their deeper yearning can we ever address the behaviour. Because in that moment, can you feel how I evoked her openness to seeing that, how she went about it and what she tried to do were kind of a bit of a mismatch. She didn't want my pain. She wanted me to taste her pain. She didn't ultimately want my suffering.
James [00:52:24]:
She wanted her suffering. See, now let's consider what I normally would have done, unconsciously would have done if I hadn't had this notion of holding my pain and her yearning in equal measure. I would have just gone in there with what my pain and it would have sounded like, how dare you? It's not okay for you, too. I won't tolerate it. This is bad and wrong about you. It's not okay. I know that your pain is your shit. Don't spell it into my world.
James [00:52:54]:
That's how 99.9% of us will naturally communicate. Because the only data that we've got is our pain and we haven't yet felt into the rest of the data, which is that they were wanting something distinct from our pain. The greater the upset, the more difficult it is to feel into some deeper yearning.
Stephanie [00:53:17]:
Yeah, I wonder if fish, before we wrap up. I'm mindful of the time and I think we could talk about this forever, but something that I think a lot of people listening will relate to and question and struggle with is when you're faced with someone's resistance to this work, or just to. If you're doing your part right. You think you're being a very good student conscious communicator and it doesn't work, quote unquote, they don't spontaneously open and it doesn't all dissolve into. Because I think the examples that you've given for a lot of people, they'd go like, wow, that feels like a level of mastery that I don't know that that would happen in my relationship. I don't think we're there. I think that's probably true. Right? It takes a level of trust and deeper safety to be able to have those conversations heartfully.
Stephanie [00:54:17]:
And the reality is that oftentimes we will still be met with resistance or closure in someone. They might not immediately come to the table in the way that we would have hoped. And when you've been courageous in trying to lead the repair and you kind of get the door slammed in your face, then it's really easy to go back to, well, they're just the problem, right? I'm doing my part. You're still being defensive. This is bullshit. Why do I even bother? And then we're right back where we started. And I know that you speak really beautifully about validating that, like just continuing to validate. Validate the defensiveness.
Stephanie [00:55:01]:
Can I get really curious about what they're experiencing, the conditions behind that, and just keep going a level deeper rather than extending the olive branch once, then going, well, fuck this, you're not playing along.
James [00:55:13]:
So I give up. Beautiful. And that tendency is for us to go, okay, I'm going to try this out. I mean, I get to witness this all day, every day, because I'm working with people who are new to this work and asking them to practise it. And without fail, people will start and go, I tried it and it didn't open them. And so it proves that they're the villain, right? And I'm like, wow, look how quickly. Look how quickly we go from expansion back into contraction. We're certain that the problem is them.
James [00:55:43]:
And how's that's going for you? We're back in just escalating the conflict. Right? So it's very natural. It's very natural. And so, yeah, if we specifically look at how to respond to someone not responding. You've heard me talk about this, but the notion that all behaviour is an expression of an experience, everything that everyone is doing all over the planet right now, without fail, without exception, is a natural expression of the experience they're having. So when we use this idea that behaviour is an expression of experience, then rather than getting oppositional towards their behaviour. That might sound like my partner is so withdrawn, why aren't they willing to have a conversation with me? Why are they so avoidant? Why are they so this and that? Why are they so judgmental? Why are they so defensive? We can get curious about what's the experience they're having underneath their defensiveness or avoidance or withdrawal. And we're not saying I'm okay with your behaviour, we're saying, I see where it's coming from and that becomes a very, very powerful way to meet others where they're at.
James [00:57:06]:
So, for example, there's a relationship in my life that's been difficult and disconnected for twelve years. And I have approached this person numerous times indicating my care for them and my love for them and my willingness to have a better relationship with them. And for most of twelve years they've said, screw you, no thanks, not interested. The problems over there with you, I don't need anything from you. Happy with how things are all the way to, yeah, that might be nice at some point. Maybe so. For a lot of that twelve years, I kind of have encountered my own resistance to their behaviour. Thinking, look at all the love I'm pouring into this.
James [00:57:53]:
And the problem is clearly there with them because if they were really a good person, they would recognise my care for them and they would open to me. That didn't go very well because I was actually just making them wrong. Can you feel that? I'm just making them wrong for how they're being. So it wasn't until I started to think, oh, their unwillingness to have conversations with me, to take this relationship deeper is actually an expression of them not feeling ready or not feeling safe or not feeling recognised. And I myself and your listeners could maybe think right now, just like think about the last time you were unwilling. It was valid. Your unwillingness was actually an expression of where you were at, of exactly what you were feeling. You might not have felt trusting to open to someone.
James [00:58:45]:
You might not have felt ready because you hadn't had time to kind of sit with what you were feeling. And you might have been worried that you were going to make it worse. You might have just felt unrecognised and felt like it's not even worth me going there because my experience won't get seen. And so once we start to realise that people's unwillingness to be in communication with us is a communication, it is a communication of exactly what they're experiencing. Like this person who's cut contact with me recently, it leads me into a deeper understanding of what must be present for them in their experience in order to have to do so. And if I can take the time, and it's been difficult for me because I've been so hurt by it and so misrepresented for what my beautiful heart was actually intending. But also once I can start to feel into that person's heart, I'm like, wow. How much they must have been longing for the protection of an open communication and how much upset there must have been in the communication in order for them to need to close the door.
James [00:59:57]:
Because we close doors in order to create a container around us. You don't go to sleep with the front door open because you're worried about what might come in and also go out. So we close doors for containment. And that when we really feel into the essence of someone needing to withdraw in order to feel safer, to withdraw in order to not feel overwhelmed, to withdraw in order that they transmit how much pain that they're in to us so that we can understand them, like their longing to have their pain recognised, you can really start to feel into the humanness now. I still feel very hurt by that recently. And at the very same time I have the deepest. I'm starting to generate this very deep compassion that this person I care so much about. Felt like closing the door was their desperate need to have their pain recognised and to have their safety enhanced so that they could continue be in their life and do what they really want to do.
James [01:01:08]:
And I honour the fuck out of that. I honour that so deeply while also suffering the consequences of it.
Stephanie [01:01:15]:
Yeah. And yet social media snippets would say, like, well, that's just immature and those people shouldn't be in relationships. That's the one I hear all the time. If you can't have a conversation, you shouldn't be in relationships. That might sound nice and it might make you feel good, but can we feel into what sits beneath that resistance or that defensiveness or that pulling away that isn't just I can't be bothered or I don't care which I guess that's a really easy read on something, but it almost invariably is inaccurate and there's something much more human underneath it that if we took the time to try and feel into, we could actually go, oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense.
James [01:02:02]:
Yes, that's right. Feeling into the deeper. Like when we really stop, when we really stop and slow down and ask ourselves the question, I wonder what they were longing to feel by doing what they did. And we really give that some time. Like we really look for the validity in what they were longing for. I promise what you find is so beautiful and tender and human. And if we go back to the part one, the first half, where my intention is wonderful and they shouldn't have pain, we start to realise that no matter how wonderful our intentions were like for me in this scenario, I had such tender, loving intentions behind something that I did, and what I have to start to realise, if I want to be grounded in reality, that cutting contact is a very clear expression of very real, very real upset. And it's not an upset that I ever wanted for them.
James [01:03:05]:
And I feel so deeply remorseful and regretful that the way I went about my yearning created upset for them. But it's like my responsibility from an expanded, conscious place. My responsibility is just to recognise and validate the reality of their pain. Yes, it's not what I wanted, and yes, it is true for them. And once I can start to feel into their pain and their yearning, then the cutting of contact starts to just be like a natural. It was a natural action that they took that caused pain for me that they never wanted. They don't want pain for me. They want safety for them and their pain to be recognised.
James [01:03:52]:
And so that's the deeper invitation that conscious communication invites us into. It's like, can we feel into the me and unice of this, which is so different to just the meanness that we normally have access to? What's the me and you in this? What's the tenderness in my heart, yearning and pain, and the tenderness in their heart, yearning and pain. And, you know, how difficult this is. So I speak about it as if it's kind of simple. But for me it is a spiritual path. It's my devotion, it's the thing that matters most to me on the planet, to stand in compassion towards me and all other beings in as many moments as they can. And I fall out of that all the time. I fall back into just like, what an asshole.
James [01:04:49]:
All the time.
Stephanie [01:04:52]:
Yeah. And I think that as we've touched on, there is such liberation in irrespective of what you get back, like actually just deciding to live from that place and frees up so much energy. And I find that I see the world so differently. There's just so much more ease and space and peace in deciding, really consciously deciding to live from that place as much as possible.
James [01:05:20]:
Yeah, it's a beautiful worldview, isn't it? It's as simple as realising that the planet is densely populated with billions of humans, all with tender longings in their heart and pain from the past, and either skillfully or much more likely, unskillfully, going about expressing that yearning and pain. And the more unskillfully we express our yearning and pain, the more we create pain for others that we never wanted to be creating for others. And when we just see ourselves as unskillful beings, longing and suffering, then the whole kind of hue of humanity changes. It's like things take on a different colour. Now, once again, it's important to discern how close or how distant I need to be from certain behaviours. But the behaviours that we might like to label and the people that we might like to pathologize and villainize, they're just like us. They're yearning and suffering and usually unskillfully trying to express it.
Stephanie [01:06:31]:
So beautiful. Thank you. As I said, I'm sure we could speak for many, many hours on this, but, alas, I don't know. I hope that everyone who's listening has gotten as much out of this and loves this work as much as we do. Where can people find you, fish? If they want to dive deeper into your world, which I wholeheartedly recommend that.
James [01:06:55]:
They do, they can find my little junk food nuggets, reels and posts on Instagram. James Gill that's a good place to get a taste of the work that I do, bearing in mind that it's little snippets of. It's like junk food nuggets instead of the whole nine course meal, you're selling.
Stephanie [01:07:21]:
Yourself short by saying it's junk food.
James [01:07:24]:
I post something on Instagram and a million people on the other side of the world go, yeah, but what about.
Stephanie [01:07:30]:
This extremely niche exception to that?
James [01:07:34]:
Yeah, exactly. You get it. And then on the web, I'm leadbyheart.com. And the way that I work with people now is welcome people into a nine week group coaching programme. That's where we form our foundational understanding of these tools and get some practise in the kind of warmth and security of doing it in the community of people practising. Then following a group coaching programme, you can access one to one support with me. Otherwise I'll be down at Layton beach in north Fremantle. You can also find me there.
Stephanie [01:08:21]:
Look, I have to say to anyone listening, as I said at the start, I connected with fish a couple of years ago, sort of as colleagues, but given the opportunity to jump into being a student of his through his facilitator training, and I've shared his work with so many people, including my mum, my mum did your group coaching nine week course recently. So I really stand behind this with every fibre of my being and it continues to be a really profound influence on my own work and my own lens. So immensely grateful for you, fish, and all of the work that you do and for coming on and chatting to me.
James [01:08:59]:
Well, Steph, I know firsthand the courage that it takes to consider the conscious communication pathway instead of just believe our analyses and pathologies of others in the face of our very real hurt. So I honour you for that. And I love the work that you do. I love the compassion that you bring to the conversation around attachment and relationship. And it's so what the world needs is that compassionate approach to the humanness behind our dynamics instead of the vitriol and the blame that is generated in so many corners of this world, this relationship world. So I honour you for that. It's beautiful.
Stephanie [01:09:41]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of on Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
unconscious communication, conflict transformation, good intentions, toxic behavior, personal betrayal, understanding pain, compassionate communication, relationship resistance, validating emotions, cultural misunderstandings, conflict escalation, intention versus impact, conscious communication, spiritual approach, compassionate living, attachment dynamics, Instagram engagement, group coaching, open-heartedness, relationship repair, hurtful behaviour, yearning behind actions, addressing behavior, unconscious responses, defence of intentions, love recognition, open communication, emotional safety, court case communication, yoga teacher.
Cultivating Secure Love with Julie Menanno (@thesecurerelationship)
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by Julie Menanno. Julie is a couples therapist, best known for her hugely popular instagram account @thesecurerelationship where she offers nuanced and insightful takes on attachment dynamics and how couples can overcome negative cycles to build secure relationships. She has just released her first book, Secure Love, which offers couples a roadmap for building thriving relationships that last.
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by Julie Menanno. Julie is a couples therapist, best known for her hugely popular instagram account @thesecurerelationship where she offers nuanced and insightful takes on attachment dynamics and how couples can overcome negative cycles to build secure relationships. She has just released her first book, Secure Love, which offers couples a roadmap for building thriving relationships that last.
Our conversation covers a lot of ground, including:
A deeper look at the fear of abandonment in anxious attachment
Key challenges of avoidant attachment
Negative cycles in anxious-avoidant relationships
What to do when one partner doesn't want to go to therapy
The importance of validating your partner's emotions (even if you disagree with their position)
Julie's tips (as a mum of 6!) for raising secure kids
To connect with Julie Menanno:
Follow Julie on Instagram @thesecurerelationship
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your current or past relationships. Can you identify moments where you felt an emotional safety net was either present or lacking? How did this impact your communication and connection with your partner?
Consider the concept of first and second order change discussed by Julie. Have there been times in your relationship where consistent effort to change was clear, but a shift in the environmental context was necessary to see growth? How did you navigate this, or how might you approach it in the future?
When encountering triggers within your relationship, do you tend to react immediately, or do you take a moment to pause and observe your reactions? Think about a recent situation and how your response may have influenced the outcome.
Growing up, what was the attitude towards conflict and emotions in your household? In what ways do you see this shaping your approach to handling tension and disagreements in your adult relationships?
Julie highlighted the importance of validating each partner's concerns in a relationship. Recall a time when you felt your concerns were fully acknowledged by your partner. How did it affect your feelings and the resolution of the issue?
Upon facing adversity and conflicts in your relationships, do you notice a drive to immediately repair and resolve issues, or do you recognize the potential value in the struggle? How might embracing the messiness contribute to relationship growth?
Think about the last big fight you had in a relationship. In what ways did it provide an opportunity for growth and a deeper understanding of your fears and vulnerabilities? What lessons did you take away from the experience?
Reflect on Julie’s encouragement to recognise and address feelings during everyday activities. How might integrating this practice into your daily routine enhance your overall emotional wellbeing and the quality of your relationships?
Recall a time when you were navigating anxiety or big emotions. How did you handle that moment, and what strategies did you use to trust in your capacity to manage those feelings effectively?
Parenting styles can greatly influence our attachment patterns. Reflect on Julie's parenting approach after finding traditional advice lacking. How has the upbringing you experienced influenced your perception of emotional safety and attachment in your own parenting or in your intimate relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
For today's episode, I am so excited to be joined by Julie Manano, who many of you will know as the brains and the heart behind the hugely popular Instagram account, the secure relationship. Julie is a couple's therapist and she's just published her first book, Secure Love, which is now out and available. Julie is such an incredible source of wisdom on all things attachment and by far my favourite content creator in this area. So I was so, so delighted to have her on the show and I'm really looking forward to sharing this conversation with you, which is all about how couples can use an understanding of themselves and attachment and these dynamics to overcome the cycles that they get stuck in and how you can really start building bridges towards a more secure love with one another. So I have no doubt that this conversation will be hugely helpful for so many of you and I'm really looking forward to sharing it with you.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:34]:
Julie, welcome. It's so great to have you.
Julie Menanno [00:01:37]:
Hi, Stephanie. It's great to be here. Thanks for having me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:41]:
So I absolutely want to talk about your new book, which I'm very excited to receive and read when it comes out. But before we jump into that, I would really love. I'm sure a lot of people listening follow you online, your account, and appreciate your content as much as I do. Something that I really value in your work is that you do such a great job at articulating the fears and the vulnerabilities that sit underneath the attachment styles and the behaviours that we see outwardly, which it's easy to be critical of or judgmental of some of the ways that these fears and vulnerabilities manifest outwardly, particularly when we're in relationship with someone and we're on either side of that.
Julie Menanno [00:02:34]:
Oh, yeah, so hard.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:37]:
Maybe you could share for people. I mean, I think most people listening will be familiar with each of the attachment styles, but kind of going a layer deeper and sharing. What are some of those deeper fears, which oftentimes I think one of the beauties of your content is some of the things you put words to are things that people might not necessarily be consciously aware of very much in terms of their own. What is driving their behaviour so maybe you could just give a little bit of a feel for what sits underneath a lot of those behaviours for each of the insecure attachment styles.
Julie Menanno [00:03:13]:
Well, one thing that comes to mind is when we talk about anxious attachment, most people are kind of familiar with the idea that anxious attachment comes from this fear of abandonment. And when we hear the word abandonment, our minds just sort of go right to physical abandonment. Right. Which can be a real fear for someone with an anxious attachment, just that physical distance and not having lots of contact with their partner through the phone or through text or. However, because that physical proximity helps them feel safe. Like, if you're right there in front of me, I have this sense of safety in my body that you're not gone. Right. But there are also a lot of people with anxious attachment who actually don't really mind not being physically with their partner all the time.
Julie Menanno [00:04:06]:
And what they actually fear is emotional abandonment, which is probably a bigger piece of the puzzle for a lot of people, which is emotional abandonment is feeling emotionally validated, getting messages that your emotions are too much, or your emotions are unreasonable, or your emotions are illogical, or your emotions don't matter to me, which is huge. So what's really going to get someone with anxious attachment triggered is less. Well, I don't want to say less. For some people, we're going to see all of these posts about if they don't text back, things like that. Right. But there's this other piece of it where you hear from your partner, you're just making things up, or you know what? You need to deal with your feelings on your own, or you're seeing it all wrong, or you're just being dramatic. And so that's going to really trigger the heart of someone with an anxious attachment profoundly because of growing up in environments where those were the repeated messages, and that is emotional abandonment. And if you look at things like borderline personality disorder, which is this really extreme version of what I consider attachment insecurity, the only thing that's really common in studies to the childhood environment of people who develop borderline personality disorder, what would you think it would be? Serious abuse, something like this. But it's emotional invalidation. Just an environment of emotional invalidation is enough to create major problems.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:01]:
Yeah, I love that you talk about emotional abandonment. It's something that I've spoken to before and I think that I can relate to it. Like, I lean more anxious and having that fear of, like, are you going to be there when I need you? Even though you're physically here, this sense of am I going to be left alone with these big feelings? Right. And I think that can be really terrifying. And when we see expressions of that various cycles in anxious avoidant dynamics, where you might have someone on the other side who goes the other way and withdraws or pulls away or becomes very defensive, then having that sense of I'm scrambling to try and get engagement from you. And even in this moment when my emotions are getting really big and I'm visibly distressed for you to still be kind of denying me what I need, that can feel like fuel on the fire. Right. It's no secret that I need you in this moment. So surely if you loved me, you would be responding to me the way I want you to respond. And I think, as you say, that can be really viscerally terrifying distressing for someone with more anxious attachment.
Julie Menanno [00:07:20]:
Definitely. And then we have this other side, which is the person who's not showing up. Right. And so what does it look like? It looks like they don't care. They're disengaged. It's irrelevant. I'm irrelevant to them. But really what's happening is they're getting overwhelmed with I don't know what to do. I never learned how to help myself in these emotionally hard places, so I really don't know how to help a partner. And the way that I did learn to help myself was to shove my feelings away, just make them go away or go into this fix it place in my brain. And so what I know to do to help you is what I've learned to do to help me. And really not recognising the impact of, well, you should just see it differently, or let's just do whatever I have to do to make these big emotions go away that I don't know how to deal with. And then eventually they get overwhelmed to the point that none of my strategies are working here, which doesn't make sense because they work with me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:27]:
Everything I say or don't say makes this worse. Right? Yes, exactly.
Julie Menanno [00:08:33]:
So then they shut down. It's like, where does this start? A chicken or the egg? It doesn't start anywhere, it just is as far as way they're interacting with each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:46]:
Yeah. And it's something that I take very seriously in my work is not kind of creating a hierarchy of these different expressions and not, I think, particularly avoidant attachment gets a really bad rap in a lot of online content. And it's something that I'm really quite passionate about balancing that and giving people more kind of inroads into understanding that in a compassionate way and recognising everything that you just articulated makes perfect sense. Right. In the environment in which it sprung from, that's a really adaptive response.
Julie Menanno [00:09:31]:
It really is empowering. I think for somewhere along the line I'm not exactly sure where, but anxious partners got this idea that they have these needs, the avoidance can't show up for these needs and so it must be the avoidance that's the problem. But how disempowering is that? Right? To think that you really can't do anything, that you're just kind of a victim to what this other person is doing. So I love that you said you balance this out because it's so important because when anxious partners really start to learn there's a lot of work they can be doing to shift the environment, I think a much more empowering message.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:11]:
I agree. I think that as much as it might be a hard pill to swallow for people to recognise their part in the dynamic and what they need to take responsibility for, I think that it's ultimately much more empowering place to be than kind of throwing your hands up and saying well, you just don't meet my needs or you always do this or I'm doing all the work and you're the roadblock. And I think coupled with the tendency for anxious folks to persist in light of all of those criticisms or judgments it's not like they're reaching a decision of this isn't working for me and walking away. It's like, this isn't working for me, but I'm going to sit here and protest about it.
Julie Menanno [00:10:53]:
Exactly. I'm going to keep watering the plant with gasoline.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:56]:
Yeah, exactly. And then feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed. Does this keep happening to me?
Julie Menanno [00:11:03]:
She can water the plant with gasoline?
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:05]:
Yeah, absolutely. So maybe we can pivot to talking about your book secure love, which is probably by the time this episode comes out, will be out in the world. So anyone listening, please go ahead and order a copy. If you haven't already. Tell us about the book. What's kind of the premise? What do you take people through?
Julie Menanno [00:11:25]:
Well, I wrote it for a lot of different reasons and every time I'm interviewed I give another different reason. Whatever comes to mind. But I have seen a lot of success in doing the type of work that I do with couples, working with attachment theory and my private practise and when I started my Instagram account, which is where I started putting out information, where I was starting from is, look, there are a lot of people out there who just don't have access to couples therapy and don't have access to quality couples therapy. And how can I kind of help people that are in that position in the best way possible through social media platform and kind of tie attachment theory altogether? Like, let's put it into context. You have an anxious attachment, you get your partner has an avoidant attachment. Now, how does it show up between the two of you? And more importantly, how is it creating these negative communication cycles, which is basically the anxious attachment partner being anxious and the avoidant attachment partner being avoidant? And now they're reinforcing all of these insecurities. They're speaking in a way that can go from kind of a normal conversation into a big fight and they're not getting problem solved. Those kinds of negative cycles block actual resolution to our talk about finances or our talk about parenting or sex or politics or whatever it is.
Julie Menanno [00:12:57]:
And in the process, they're also hurting each other emotionally and reinforcing the already insecure attachment. So I'm kind of leading with, hey, here's attachment theory. Here's a very detailed description of anxious attachment, the childhood environment, how it looks in adulthood, here's how it shows up in these negative cycles. Here's what you can do to interrupt them when they happen, here's what you can do to prevent them, here's what you can do to repair them. And then just lots of practical skills, lots of actual words, scripts, if you don't have the words and you haven't learned these words yet, it's just a concept. And it can be really hard for people to put concepts into actions, especially in these moments when they're kind of like on the spot and you got to say it the right way. And then some couples are blocked by attachment injuries, which is something I have to work within my practise too, which is kind of like these added layers of attachment wounds, major breaches of trust. Moments when you really needed your partner to show up for you and they weren't there.
Julie Menanno [00:14:10]:
And a lot of times these old wounds are blocking their ability to even put New practises into place, put new communication into place, because there's all this resentment and mistrust built up. So then I'm going to kind of say, hey, here are some ideas, here are the way that healing conversations go. Here's what a healing conversation looks like. Now that you've kind of learned to do that outside of these negative cycles. Let's see if we can start healing some of this, which is only going to make the work easier, then just goes into just different other considerations, like mental illness, sex, substance abuse, anything that's kind of layers to relationships that are more than standard fighting about money. And then I have a whole chapter of scripts. Just, you need to bring up a hard topic to your partner. Here are some things to say.
Julie Menanno [00:15:08]:
Your partner doesn't want to go to therapy. Here are some things to say and just multiple examples just to give people the words. And it's not just the words, we need to make words our own. But I also break down the phrases into elements, which is, this is why I validated at the beginning of this sentence, this is why I ended it in this way. So if you're not wanting to use my words, and sometimes they aren't even my words, they're just as neutral as I can be for people who are reading the book that all speak from in different ways, different cultures, it's just like, well, let's just help you integrate the elements here.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:50]:
Yeah, and I'm sure that's immensely helpful for people who, as you say, just don't have that reference point. Maybe they grew up in a family system where things weren't talked about or they weren't talked about in a productive way, and you've just not had that relational environment either directly or you've never had it modelled. So I think that having those scripts can be so helpful. Something that comes up for me, as you say, that is, I hear from a lot of people with more anxious patterns who very much want the scripts. And something that I'm always minded to add in as a caveat is here's a script and you kind of have to surrender a little to the messiness of being in relationship. And I think that there can be this sense of if I say the perfect thing in the perfect way, then I'll get the outcome that I want. And if I do my part, then you have to do your part, you have to respond in the way that I want you to. And if you don't, then I'll go straight back into, well, you're. The problem is that something that you.
Julie Menanno [00:16:57]:
See, I do address this pretty extensively in the book, which is this change really does need to come from your heart. If it's coming from a place of, well, I'm only doing this because I really want to control what you're going to do, then it's really not change at all. So we really have to shift that heart place, which is why I put the scripts at the end of the book, not the beginning.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:20]:
Yeah, I think it is. It's funny it can almost be like a covert extension of the cycle when it is.
Julie Menanno [00:17:29]:
That's perfectly worded.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:34]:
Rather than shifting it, there can be ways that that cycle can come back in. And I think that that is a really challenging edge for people. Something that I still notice come up and I have to keep tabs on is that story of like, one person trying extending the olive branch, and then if they still get some sort of defensiveness or their partner doesn't immediately become a different person and respond totally differently, then it can spiral back. What would you say to people in that, like, kind of realistic expectations around how this change happens?
Julie Menanno [00:18:13]:
Well, I do address, this is another topic I do address extensively in the book, which is we're looking at the big picture here. We're looking for the end. This is a long game. When you start this work, there really are no guarantees that you can put the right term coin into the vending machine and push the button and you're going to get the bag of chips. Right. We have to look at it. The mindset has to be one. I really want to be the person.
Julie Menanno [00:18:44]:
I want to be in the world, right. I want to be a person who can communicate myself in the healthiest way possible, can kind of regulate my emotions before I deliver my messages. And if you look at it that way, you can't lose, right? Because every time you try something new that's going to help you grow as a person, that's a win, even if your partner doesn't respond in the exact way that you would like. Now, of course, we all really need and want for the relationship to be close, for our partner to be able to respond openly and positively to our shifts. But in most cases, that's not going to happen right away. It's a matter of environmental shift. Second order change. So first order change is I'm just going to start delivering my messages in a new way.
Julie Menanno [00:19:40]:
Second order change is when the environment starts to become new and you have to do a lot of consistent, repetitive first order change before second order change starts to become a natural way of being for both partners. And most of the couples out there that are working, they aren't necessarily working parallel to each other, growing at the exact same rate. So your job as a partner isn't to kind of make your partner grow. You want your partner to grow. You crave your partner's growth. You need your partner's growth for closeness in the relationship. But your real job is to do your part to clean up the environment. And when we have clean environments, and if one partner can start kind of getting the ball rolling on that process and putting emotional safety into the relationship even when the other partner isn't able to.
Julie Menanno [00:20:38]:
Right. Then people are their best selves when they feel safe. People start to reflect when they feel safe. So if your partner is going. I refuse to go to couples therapy. Couples therapy is for people who are about to get divorced. The typical anxious response to that is, what? You don't care about the relationship? I'm the only one doing the work here. Right.
Julie Menanno [00:20:59]:
Well, that's not really safe because it's not really taking into account the other partner's very legitimate concerns. If the other partner has this idea that if we go to couples therapy, we're going to end up getting divorced. Because I've have numerous examples of people in my life who are divorced who went to couples therapy. So my nervous system is kind of wired around the idea that this wasn't safe. That needs to be held and validated, right? Yes. The ultimate goal is to get the help. I want that for the couple as much as the anxious partner. But that avoidant partner really needs space to hear.
Julie Menanno [00:21:41]:
You know what? That makes sense to me. It really does. I mean, I believe that we should go to couples therapy. We're in a bad spot. We can't seem to get out of it on our own. But at the same time, if you have seen multiple people go to couples therapy and end up getting divorced, of course you don't want to go down that road. That's a threat to you. And I really do get that.
Julie Menanno [00:22:03]:
And then maybe some space later to kind of insert your opinion that is going to lead that avoidant partner into self reflect. There's a much better chance it's going to lead them into self reflection more than just pushing their needs to the side. And then what do people do? They usually double down.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:23]:
Yeah, that's a lot. Sorry. I think that. No, it's really important, and it's something that I was going to ask you about, like this idea of almost invariably there's one partner who's more proactive and wants to do the work and has certain meanings associated with that. And I think for more anxious people, it's like, because I care about our relationship, it's very important to get ahead of all of the problems. It'd be plugging all of even the tiniest little leaky hole in the boat. Let's talk about it and make a plan and do it all the time. Right.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:56]:
Process for more avoidant partners, like doing the work can have a very different meaning and association. And it can feel like there's always something wrong, there's always something wrong, and you're always unhappy with me, and we deal with that thing and there's another thing and that can kind of chip away at their sense of self, their sense of like, am I doing a good job as your partner? And when there's just really different conceptions of what it means to do this kind of work in a relationship, what it means about you as individuals, what it means about your connection, then I think when we project what it means for us onto them and go, well, it's important to me to do this work because I care about our relationship so much and you don't want to do it, so you mustn't care about our relationship, then we cause ourselves a lot of pain, right? Whereas I think when we can, and it's so much easier said than done in those moments of hurt and when we're so genuinely invested in a solution that we believe is the right one, but validating someone's resistance or defensiveness and getting curious about it and going, okay, what must this be about for you? What might be underneath your resistance? And how can I feel into that in a way that I can try and understand it rather than just making you wrong for it? Because I think, as you say, it's like if I make you wrong for it, is that going to open you or close you? It's going to close you, and that's going to get me again, we don't want to be always acting from a place of getting what we want from someone. But I think you can also look at that and go, what's the natural consequence of me blaming and shaming you for the way that you genuinely feel about this thing? That's a really big issue. I think someone doubling down, as you say, and digging their heels in, that's a really understandable, natural consequence of feeling like you're under attack. And I can also imagine you as a couple's therapist that a lot of people with more avoidant patterns would have this fear of, like, you're going to kind of drag me to the principal's office and sit me down and have someone just bolster your side of the argument. So I'm going to be under attack on multiple fronts.
Julie Menanno [00:25:23]:
That is so true. And I could have used that as an example, and I definitely use that in the book, too, which is their avoidant partners or anybody who doesn't want to go to therapy, they have really good reasons for not wanting to go it doesn't mean at the end of the day, sometimes the conversation at some point might need to get to look, this relationship is in a really bad spot. It's not working for me and we're either going to have to go or I don't know what, but kind of setting a little bit more of a firmer boundary around it. But we need to just lead with just figuring out and validating your perspective because it makes sense on some level. Even if it's. I don't agree. I don't agree with your opinion. The emotions behind that opinion are always valid. And to your point, when you're approaching it in that way, you are actually working on the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:26:24]:
Yeah. And I think that being able to have that conversation and say I understand why this feels, might feel a certain way for you. For me, I've seen you reference this before and I talk about it as well. It's like shifting into that. This is a problem that we are facing together. Right. The things that exist in our relationship feel bigger than our ability to solve them at the moment. And clearly what we're doing isn't working and it's tiring and it's exhausting speaking to some of those what are likely to be shared experiences of the problem.
Stephanie Rigg [00:27:08]:
This really sucks. I hate feeling disconnected from you all the time. I hate feeling like we're always at each other's throats and I just don't know what to do anymore because it feels like the things we're trying aren't working. And I think that shifting into that immediately just brings the temperature down a bit.
Julie Menanno [00:27:25]:
It really does, like you said, opens people up. And I'm in the business of behaviour change, but I'm in the business of getting to that behaviour change with open hearts. And that comes from communicating in a healthy way. There's no way around it.
Stephanie Rigg [00:27:45]:
Yeah, I think, as you say, it's about creating safety and I think we have to really have that at front of mind at all points in relationship is the thing that I'm about to do. All of my default modes of being in relationship is that likely to contribute to or detract from the safety of the person that I'm in relationship with or the broader environment and culture of our relationship. And I think when we ask ourselves that and kind of pause and cheque in so many of the things that we do on autopilot, if we have more insecure patterns, wouldn't pass that test. They're about our safety, but from a very survival driven place that's probably not well suited to the kind of relationship that we really desire and are trying to build.
Julie Menanno [00:28:36]:
Absolutely, yes. It's actually blocking that relationship that you're longing for.
Stephanie Rigg [00:28:42]:
Yeah. So something that I'm curious about is how much of this work do you think in terms of insecure attachment and repairing and moving towards a more secure relationship? Is that work that you think people can do solely in a relational context, or is it doing your own work and doing it relationally? Is it sort of just whatever presents itself to you is an opportunity to do that work?
Julie Menanno [00:29:12]:
I think so. I think that probably the most effective way to look at it is every interaction with a person. It doesn't really matter if it's the clerk at the market or your partner. Every interaction has the potential to trigger you. Right. And it's your triggers. That's where the work lies, is when you're triggered. And ultimately the work is when you're triggered.
Julie Menanno [00:29:41]:
What are you going to do from that point? Are you going to do something? Are you going to snap at the clerk at the market and then feel bad about yourself for the rest of the day? Are you going to snap at the clerk in the market and then forgive yourself and help yourself make sense of that and think about what you may have done differently? Are you going to take that moment when the clerk snaps at you and step inside and take a moment to go, what's going on with me? Okay, I'm feeling kind of disrespected right now, but I'm going to choose to not show up in a way that I don't want to be in the world. And so if we just take that into the relationship, I mean, every interaction gives you the opportunity to grow. Every interaction. But you don't need to be in a romantic relationship to examine your triggers. We have relationships with family members. We have relationships with friends. I do think it's important to have someone in your life that's a secure attachment for you, whether that's a therapist or someone that you meet at an Al Anon group or a friend who is dependable and can be there for you in kind of a good enough way. When we get that dependability and that support, that emotional support, it's co regulating to our nervous systems, and it does help us grow as a person. Right. But I think it's like you said, you're taking every opportunity to grow and to start doing things differently with your feelings.
Stephanie Rigg [00:31:19]:
Yeah. And a lot of it is really kind of mundane and unglamorous. Right. I think that people expect healing to be this big, dramatic moment of epiphany. But as you say, it's just like chipping away. It's like putting a coin in the jar a day at a time.
Julie Menanno [00:31:38]:
I go on walks with my dog and I start noticing these feelings of, like, I just want this. Normally, I love walking, but sometimes I'll think, I just want to get all this stuff done. I wish this walk was over. And that's an opportunity for me to cheque in and say, what's going on right now? That this sense of urgency is getting in my way of enjoying this walk, enjoying this time out here and being present in nature. And that can help me sort of reground myself. And now the walk becomes this more pleasurable experience, instead of just getting in the way of my compulsive need to work. So how does that show up in my relationship? Well, I have just taken that moment to practise getting into my body, finding that sense of urgency that kind of shows up in my chest, paying attention to that, soothing it, and then kind of being able to go into a different place in my heart where I'm more present. So the next time my husband triggers me, I have had that practise going into my body like that.
Julie Menanno [00:32:45]:
And now, because I've practised that in these other parts of life, it's easier for me to step back and go, all right, what's going on? What about what he said is kind of stirring me up inside? And how can I kind of ground myself and get more present and show up in the healthiest way possible? That's not going to lead us down this rabbit hole of a negative cycle.
Stephanie Rigg [00:33:06]:
Yeah, I love that you share that. I think having that capacity to pause, and it is such a practise just to pause and go, how interesting that this thing is stirring this response in me. And I think as soon as we do that, we sort of rise above it and we create that distance that allows us to observe it, and then maybe gently question it, and it just feels less all consuming and true. And I think when it feels less all consuming and true, then we're not so propelled to just act from that place, which so often, as you say, is this kind of heightened, dysregulated place of I have to do something or something dissociative. But it's just like I lose the ability to kind of bring myself back when I can't see what's happening. And so whether it's like walking the dog or waking up in the morning and noticing some anxiety, being able to turn towards that with a level of, like, interesting. I'm feeling anxious today. What might that be about for me, and what do I need? How can I support myself to feel a little bit more grounded or a little safer in my body or whatever it might be? I think that process is so repairing in our own self relationship. Right. It's like, oh, I can tend to myself in those uncomfortable moments or those big moments.
Julie Menanno [00:34:36]:
Even when what's going on around me might not be perfect, I'm still able to stay with myself, and I think this is important too. And you kind of touched on this earlier, which is, these are subtle shifts. Right. My walk isn't going from, oh, my gosh, I just want to get home to, oh, Zen. This is such a glorious walk. It's just going into this step of a little bit more present. And I think sometimes people do this work and they kind of expect to go from one extreme to the other, and we're really not. We're just trying to feel better. Whatever better looks like it isn't this glamorous big shift. Sometimes it's just more subtle.
Stephanie Rigg [00:35:22]:
Healed.
Julie Menanno [00:35:23]:
Yes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:35:23]:
Congratulations. Yeah, I think that's true. Such a big part of it is, like, changing the way we relate to ourselves and our feelings as well. I work mostly with anxiously attached people, and it's like, on the other side of this work. Does that mean I won't experience anxiety anymore in my relationship? It's like, sadly not. That's a human thing. But I think just, like, having a level of openness to the full spectrum of experience and the messiness of being human and being in relationships. And I think really critically, like, trusting in our capacity to hold ourselves through that and to navigate whatever that might look like rather than fearing the big emotions because we don't trust ourselves to experience them and we think, oh, no, if that happens, I won't be okay. And so I have to just frantically try and prevent any of those, and.
Julie Menanno [00:36:23]:
Then it's just such an exhausting way to live.
Stephanie Rigg [00:36:25]:
Yeah, absolutely. And it's kind of ironically, your whole life becomes about the thing you don't want to happen. Right. It takes up so much bandwidth.
Julie Menanno [00:36:36]:
It does. And then you've created the self fulfilling prophecy because you're having a hard time trusting your future self to handle when things don't go well. And if we can do nothing else in our line of work, it's helping people develop that trust. I can learn to handle my own feelings.
Stephanie Rigg [00:36:58]:
Yeah. And just kind of surrendering to the uncertainty of it. All right. Even secure healthy relationships are going to have hard times and they're going to have bumps in the road. And I think having this very idealistic perception of if I can again, control for all of these things and I'm going to eliminate, totally derisk my relationship to the point where I won't have to ever feel hurt or disappointed or any of those things, I won't ever have trust broken. And that's the bar that we're setting, I think, again, is unrealistic and it's really setting ourselves up to fail.
Julie Menanno [00:37:41]:
We are. And the growth lies in the ruptures. Right. I would never want couples to not have ruptures because that's how they learn to kind of take it to that next step. Maybe this is a topic that we haven't been addressing and so now it's kind of overwhelming our coping mechanisms and we kind of got lost in that negative cycle not being our best selves. Well, coming back together in that repair process opens up space for the vulnerability that was tapped into that might be surrounding this hard topic, deeper layers of our fears and who we are. And it provides opportunity to bond and become stronger.
Stephanie Rigg [00:38:29]:
Yeah, absolutely.
Julie Menanno [00:38:31]:
When I see couples, I see these patterns and they're going along and their relationship is getting better and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere they're feeling so confident and out of nowhere they have this big fight. And almost always, once we work through whatever that big fight was, there's a big growth spurt.
Stephanie Rigg [00:38:53]:
Yeah. I think it's also like giving ourselves a lot of grace and not treating that fight as like, oh, it's a major regression in the trajectory that we've been on. I think recognising the absolute inevitability of these ruptures and kind of working that into our expectation of what it means to be in relationship with someone. Because it's messy. Right. It's like two people coming together with all of their own stuff and kind of two lives and we're trying to build something together. Like, of course we're going to stumble. Of course the person I want to stumble with and get up with and kind of do that messy work of rebuilding, I think that's really the much healthier mindset around it, rather than really.
Julie Menanno [00:39:41]:
Is it so much more realistic and the expectations are more appropriate and it's like, as long as we don't want that messiness to take over the relationship and define the climate, there's so much value in that messiness. So much value. Yeah, I mean, a lot of the partners that I see some of them are actually struggling, not so much because they grew up in a high conflict household, but because they grew up in a no conflict household. So now they get into a relationship with more of a norm, which is, hey, we don't see eye to eye about everything. And so what they experienced growing up was that usually it was like, one partner who was making all the decisions. And the reason that there wasn't conflict is because one partner had all the power in the relationship, or they switched power. But still, somehow, this couple, these parents, managed to just not have overt conflict. So what happens to someone who doesn't experience their own parents having rupture and repair, then now they think that these ruptures that are now happening in my relationship, there must be something wrong. They have very little skills to actually repair the situation. So we do want some adversity.
Stephanie Rigg [00:41:03]:
Yeah, I think that's a really important point. It's something I can relate to. In my family. There wasn't a lot of loud conflict fighting, but I was definitely acutely aware of when there was tension.
Julie Menanno [00:41:16]:
And that can be really hard.
Stephanie Rigg [00:41:18]:
Yeah. And I think that that then, for me, has I developed in that environment where I'm now very sensitive to energetic shifts in a dynamic and can experience those. And I've had to do a lot of work around it, like, experience those as really threatening and as some precursor to something very bad, something that's really going to rock the boat. And that feels quite threatening to my system. And so having to kind of disentangle all of that body memory that says, like, oh, this is bad. And you need to kind of get on the front foot and figure out what the problem is and stop it before it becomes something bigger. There's a lot of really, just as.
Julie Menanno [00:42:05]:
You talk, I'm just feeling that anxiety in my system when you're in those situations and, you know, there's this tension, but it's not being talked about. Sometimes that can feel worse than actually hearing people fight.
Stephanie Rigg [00:42:20]:
Absolutely. And I think it does create that hyper vigilance, too, the elephant in the room. And it's something that still now, really, I have such a strong reaction to is, like, there's a thing that's being avoided. There's a conversation that's being avoided or an issue that's being avoided. And I have such a visible reaction to that perception because it has all of the weight of that history behind it.
Julie Menanno [00:42:48]:
Well, what's coming to mind? It's interesting. I'm sure you're familiar with the strange situation. The original, I don't know if you remember this piece, but the children who were labelled as anxious attachment were crying and they were kind of inconsolable when they got triggered. And the mom was kind of anxiously trying to calm them down, but it took an extended period of time compared to the babies with secure attachment. The avoidant children, on the other hand, were just blank. They didn't show much emotion at all. They weren't showing any signs of distress, they just kept playing with the toys. But it was the avoidant children who were more physiologically aroused, even more so than the anxious children.
Julie Menanno [00:43:30]:
So there is something to be said for at least with anxious attachment, that energy is somewhat getting expelled. Not that it's all got its downsides in different ways, but I'm just thinking of you sitting there as a child and know you didn't grow up in this high conflict home, but yet you still have this sense of anxiety and it probably took you a while in your life, I'm guessing, to recognise, hey, that was painful, too.
Stephanie Rigg [00:43:58]:
Yeah, absolutely. I think having that, being able to really honestly look at the environments that we grew up in, not in a way that's trying to lay blame or create a trauma that wasn't there, but to go, oh, okay, yeah, that had an impact. That kind of makes sense that this grew from that and that I adapted in that way and that made a lot of sense in that environment. But maybe that's not serving me well in this new environment that I'm trying to create. I think finding that middle road is really valuable in doing this work and having more context for ourselves and the way that we show up in relationships.
Julie Menanno [00:44:41]:
So true. I love how you said you're not looking for problems, but you are looking at the problems that might still be alive today. And I say this in the book, too. It's like, look, I'm not trying to take away your happy childhood memories or your love for your parents at all. All of it can be true. You can look at your child and say, hey, I was basically a happy kid. I felt loved, I felt supported. And here are some things that maybe didn't go well that are still kind of getting.
Julie Menanno [00:45:14]:
That are getting in my way in this relationship. And some people have the other experience where they're like, no, it was absolutely awful. I felt horrible. All of it can be true. There's no one thing that we can say. You have to have this set of trauma in order to be suffering now.
Stephanie Rigg [00:45:35]:
Yeah, that provides a nice segue. I was going to finish by asking you a very self interested question, because I know that you have. Do you have five kids?
Julie Menanno [00:45:45]:
Six kids.
Stephanie Rigg [00:45:47]:
Six kids. I'm six months pregnant with my first. It is very exciting. I'm very curious to ask you, coming from all of this work, and obviously with having six kids, what would you say is kind of attachment? How has doing this work, I suppose influenced the way that you have approached being a parent?
Julie Menanno [00:46:12]:
Well, it dramatically influenced the way that I am a parent. I mean, just dramatically. I mean, I started off in a really bad foot. This information wasn't available to me. I was not in the field at the time. I did not grow up in a home with much positive modelling and lots of stuff there. So when I had my first son, I was just dead set on figuring it all out. But I was reading all these parenting books, which this was 2001, so they weren't as progressed as they are now. And a lot of them were just kind of giving different contradictory information. I felt like an absolute mess. I did not know what I was doing and I definitely did not get at all the emotional support piece. In my mind, it was like, you create a structured environment, you send them to the right school, you feed them a really healthy diet. I was a stay at home mom and you just kind of put all these things into the recipe and everything works out. But my kids were really lacking in emotional support until I went a little bit before going back to grad school. I started discovering work on self compassion and that was a real shift for me. And then from there, that got me into attachment theory.
Julie Menanno [00:47:34]:
And before that I started doing more of that attachment parenting style, which seemed to be very helpful for me as far as bonding. But my kids are all teenager. Well, they're twelve to 22, so teenage, young, preteen to young adolescent. And the relationship that I have with my children is profoundly healthy. It is probably the biggest achievement I think, of my life, is what I have been able to create with my kids. I have it down. I know how to be emotionally supportive, I know how to be validating. I know how to get them to understand themselves on a deeper level. And for anyone out there who has kids that you have had strained relationships with, or you feel guilty because you hear all this attachment information and we're always sort of blaming the parents, right? There is a way to turn it around. Just keep going with this information, keep going with learning. Truly, it all boils down to learning how to be emotionally supportive. And I hope I answered your question.
Stephanie Rigg [00:48:49]:
Yeah, no, absolutely. It's funny I wanted to ask you because people have been asking me, and while I have my ideas about how I plan to approach parenting, knowing what I know about this work, I'm also very ready to be humbled because I think that going into it, ideals are one thing, and I'm sure the reality of it will be challenging and beautiful and surprising in so many ways. Something that I keep coming back to for myself is like safety, factual safety versus the perception of safety. And I think for babies, infants, children, the perception of safety, and frankly, adults is so much more rich and important in having that really felt sense of security. And I think so much kind of more traditional parenting stuff is just about like, is the baby factually safe? Right? Do they have their physical needs met? Rather than all of that emotional nurturance and validation which is like, do you feel that? Do you perceive yourself to be safe? And really leading with what would a child be wanting from me in order to feel safe in this moment with whatever behaviour they're presenting, I think is a really helpful kind of North Star on a lot of decisions around that.
Julie Menanno [00:50:12]:
It's so true. We really do need to put emotions first. And I think in this culture we're putting achievements first, we're putting school first, we're putting sports first, and even maybe physical health sometimes first, which is, as we know, all those things are wonderful and important. But what needs to happen first is emotional safety. Truly, the parents that I've worked with throughout the years that have become parents as we're doing this work or after they've done all this work, just goes my blanket. I have seen them be very successful from day one, so there is hope, you know, so much. I just want to reassure you that what I see is that people who are going into parenting doing this work, that the experience is just so pleasurable for them because they get to feel so successful. And for me, when I had my first, I was learning, oh, you have to let them cry it out.
Julie Menanno [00:51:17]:
They've got to be on this sleep schedule. I mean, to this day I have PTSD symptoms around listening to my son cry, I just. Horrible memories. With my third, I learned this attachment parenting where I was carrying her in a sling and sleeping with her. And to me that was a beautiful experience. Not that everybody needs to take it that far, but for me that way of living was far less exhausting than the other way. I was getting sleep at night. I felt the felt sense of emotionals.
Julie Menanno [00:51:45]:
Everything just felt safe and right and then. Are you familiar with gober mate?
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:52]:
Yes.
Julie Menanno [00:51:53]:
Okay, so have you read his book on add scattered no, I haven't. Okay, well, there's a chapter in this book, kind of near the end about parenting, and it feels a little, I don't know if I want to say random, but it's a parenting style that he's bringing to life and describing that is exactly the way I've learned to parent. And whenever he's describing it in this book, in this add book, which it doesn't have to be about add at all, to me, that's the way to go, is that chapter of the graph latte book. And I have seen that way of being with children be so successful.
Stephanie Rigg [00:52:33]:
Yeah. A lot of his stuff around parenting really resonates. He has a section in his newest book, the myth of normal around parenting, and there's another one, hold on to your kids, which he co wrote with another guy, which is direct. Okay. Yeah, well, no, but he's so prolific that he really covers such a broad scope. But yeah, a lot of his stuff makes a lot of sense to me and everything.
Julie Menanno [00:53:00]:
You're going to be fine.
Stephanie Rigg [00:53:01]:
If you're already is hoping again, I'm very ready to be humbled, but I'm feeling better prepared than I certainly would have been without all of this work. It's an exciting time. Julie, where can people find you? I think I suspect a lot of people listening will already be familiar with you. But for those who aren't, what's the best way for them to engage more deeply with your work and stay connected with you?
Julie Menanno [00:53:30]:
Well, my home base, because this is where I kind of started putting this information out, is my Instagram account, which is at the secure relationship. I also have a website where you can go to just see my podcast that I've done, not mine, but guest appeared on. That is where you'll find links to the book. I do have a team of therapists working for me, coaches, actually, that work all over the globe. And then my book, secure love, which is now out, not as I speak. When this airs, you can find it anywhere. It's all over the world, lots of different places. But I always say we'll just go to Amazon and that seems like an easy one.
Julie Menanno [00:54:20]:
So, yeah, secure love by Julie Manano. I'm really proud. Really proud. I really think I've put something together that is going to really have a lot to give to the world, and that feels really good for me. But if you don't want to buy the book, definitely go to my Instagram account because all of the information is there. I mean, it's disjointed it's not as organised, but as you know, my posts are very lengthy, very much in depth. So Instagram account is an actual book, if you don't mind kicking around a lot and reading the same thing over and over.
Stephanie Rigg [00:54:54]:
Thanks, Julie. We'll link all of that in the show notes and absolutely, I think your Instagram is invaluable. But I also very much look forward to receiving a copy of the book. Julie, thank you so much for a beautiful conversation. It's been very insightful and I'm sure will be hugely valuable to everyone who is listening.
Julie Menanno [00:55:13]:
All right, well, great. Thanks for having me and congratulations and I'm so excited for you. Glowing. Now it makes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:55:21]:
Well, I think it's because it's the middle of summer here. People keep saying to me that I'm glowing and I think it's just like light sweat. But I'm happy to take the compliment on glowing, the word that is reserved for pregnant women.
Stephanie Rigg [00:55:35]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
communication in relationships, emotional regulation, personal growth, first order change, second order change, emotional safety, validating concerns, anxious partners, avoidant partners, empathetic conversations, behaviour change, secure attachment, self-regulation, self-improvement, navigating emotions, self-trust, managing negative emotions, relationship adversity, conflict resolution, relationship growth, low-conflict upbringing, childhood impact on relationships, attachment theory, self-compassion, Gabor Maté, parenting advice, couples therapy, attachment styles, negative communication cycles, practical relationship skills
On Getting Back Together with an Ex
In today's episode, we're talking all about getting back together with an ex. Facing the prospect of rekindling after a relationship has ended can bring up so many conflicting feelings - longing, optimism and hope, together with fear, worry, self-doubt and anxiety.
In today's episode, we're talking all about getting back together with an ex. Facing the prospect of rekindling after a relationship has ended can bring up so many conflicting feelings - longing, optimism and hope, together with fear, worry, self-doubt and anxiety.
In helping you navigate the messiness of these situations, I'll be sharing some good reasons and some not-so-good reasons why you might consider getting back together with an ex, and how you can best approach that decision to support yourself and your relationship going forward.
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Navigating the Decision to Get Back Together with an Ex
If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that relationships can be a rollercoaster of emotions. From the intense highs of love and connection to the gut-wrenching lows of heartbreak and uncertainty, it's no wonder that the decision to get back together with an ex can leave us feeling conflicted and confused. In this article, we'll delve into the complexities of rekindling with an ex, exploring both the potential pitfalls and the signs that it might be worth considering.
Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster
Breaking up with someone can stir up a wide range of feelings - grief, relief, loneliness, uncertainty, and self-doubt, to name a few. It's essential to recognise that these emotions are entirely normal, even if the relationship may not have been healthy. The aftermath of a breakup is often marked by a selective memory of the good times, leaving us longing for what once was, rather than acknowledging the hardships that led to the breakup.
For those with anxious attachment patterns, the post-breakup period can be particularly challenging. The focus on salvaging the relationship and the feelings of failure can exacerbate the emotional turmoil. It’s vital to acknowledge that even if a relationship was dysfunctional, the attachment to that person takes time to unravel. It’s not always rational - it's emotional and deeply biological.
Evaluating the Reasons to Rekindle
Amidst the overwhelming emotions of a breakup, it's essential to consider the motives for seeking to reunite with an ex. Missing your ex, fear of being alone, or simply feeling disheartened by the dating landscape are some common reasons. However, these reasons may not always provide a sturdy foundation for rekindling a relationship.
It’s important to be cautious of reuniting with an ex simply because you miss them. Grief and longing are typical after a breakup, but they alone may not warrant getting back together. Similarly, a fear of loneliness or a reluctance to re-enter the dating scene can inadvertently drive us back into a relationship that may not address our needs and desires.
Healthy Reflection and Communication
When considering the possibility of reuniting with an ex, honest and open communication is key. It's crucial to have clear conversations about the reasons for the breakup, how each party contributed to the issues in the relationship, and the unmet needs. Addressing these aspects could provide valuable insights into the patterns that were not working, and ways to nurture a healthier relationship.
Reflection on why things might be different this time is equally important. Simply being aware of the issues may not be sufficient - a proactive plan to nurture the relationship and prevent the re-emergence of past challenges is vital. Without a structured approach to address the root causes of the breakup, there's a risk of falling back into the same detrimental patterns.
The Role of Time and Growth
One potential indicator of a successful reunion with an ex is the presence of substantial time and personal growth since the breakup. A significant period apart can offer clarity and a fresh perspective. It provides an opportunity for both individuals to grow individually, learn from past mistakes, and evaluate what they truly seek in a relationship.
If time apart has allowed for personal growth and life circumstances have evolved positively, reuniting with an ex may present a more promising prospect. This new beginning offers the chance to build a relationship free from the baggage of the past, bringing a renewed sense of understanding and open communication.
In Conclusion
The decision to get back together with an ex is a significant one, fraught with emotional weight and potential challenges. It's essential to approach this decision with self-responsibility, honesty, and a compassionate understanding of our own needs.
Rekindling with an ex requires a thoughtful and reflective approach, focusing on clear communication, recognition of growth, insight into past issues, and a proactive plan for the future. While navigating this decision may be complex, assessing the reasons for considering a reunion will guide us towards making a choice that aligns with our well-being and personal growth.
If you're currently contemplating the possibility of reuniting with an ex, remember that it's okay to seek support and guidance through this process. The road to revitalising a past relationship can be uncertain, but with introspection and clear communication, it's possible to approach this decision with a sense of understanding and confidence.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How have you experienced the emotions of grief, loss, and relief after a breakup in your own life? How do these emotions influence your decision-making about getting back together with an ex?
2. Have you ever found yourself longing for the past good memories in a relationship after it has ended, leading to a selective memory of the day-to-day challenges? How did this impact your perspective on the relationship and the possibility of getting back together?
3. Have you ever felt the fear of being alone or settling for a familiar but dissatisfying relationship? How does this fear influence your decisions about reconnecting with an ex or starting anew in the dating pool?
4. In thinking about the reasons for getting back together with an ex, have you had clear conversations about how both partners contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, unmet needs, and the patterns that were harmful?
5. How do you approach the idea of growth and change, both in yourself and in a potential partner, when considering getting back together with an ex? What role does personal growth play in rebuilding a relationship?
6. Reflect on a time when you or someone you know had to navigate an anxious-avoidant dynamic in a relationship. How did this impact the decision to rekindle the relationship, and what factors should be considered in this context?
7. Have you ever faced the challenge of maintaining a balanced power dynamic in a relationship after reuniting with an ex? What are some warning signs and red flags to be aware of in this situation?
8. If you have taken a substantial amount of time apart from an ex and reconnected, how did this distance impact the potential for a renewed relationship? What changes or new circumstances made a difference in your decision?
9. Discuss the role of self-responsibility and self-care when making the decision to get back together with an ex. How can one balance their own needs with the desire to rekindle a relationship?
10. How important is it to have a plan for change and growth when considering getting back together with an ex? What are the key elements of a plan for rebuilding a relationship?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about getting back together with an ex. When you might consider doing that, what might be a good reason or some good reasons for thinking about that course of action, and what might be some not so good reasons that you might be considering getting back with an ex. Now, this is one of those ones that I get a lot of questions about. I have done an episode ages ago on the show around questions to ask when you're considering getting back with an ex, but it's been a while since I've addressed this topic directly, so I wanted to talk about it here to give you a bit of a sense and a bit of a roadmap in guiding that decision if that's a situation that you find yourself in where you're considering rekindling with someone that you've ended a relationship with, because I think there can be a lot of really powerful and confusing emotions at play and it can be hard to trust our own judgement. And fair enough, because, as I said, it is really confusing and emotionally dense. So I think having some guiding questions and some things to think about sometimes, to cut through the emotional noise of it all, can be really supportive when you're in that position.
[00:01:50]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, I just wanted to share that I am running a sale for Valentine's Day starting today, so I'm going to be offering 50% off my higher love course and my secure together course. So these are two of my best selling programmes. Higher love is a breakup course. It's a beautiful resource if you have recently been through a relationship ending and you're really struggling to process that. It's very much a comprehensive resource and toolkit to walk you through that process, not only processing the end of the relationship and finding closure around it, but then looking forward to the next chapter and gaining real clarity and confidence around what that looks like and what you are wanting going forward in relationships so that you can avoid maybe recreating a similar pattern or dynamic in your next relationship. Secure together is a course for couples primarily, or it's a relationship focused course. So that would be a great one for you if you're in a relationship secure together, is the course that I recorded with Joel, my partner.
[00:03:00]:
So it's very much focused on anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those dynamics in a non blaming, non shaming way that will allow you to connect and understand each other more deeply. And it's a very, very comprehensive resource in that respect, covering a whole range of topics. So either of those courses can be accessed for 50% off for the next week with the code big love, all one word. So if you're interested in that, whether you've been through a breakup or you're in a relationship, hopefully there's something for everyone there as a little Valentine's Day special. Okay, so let's talk about getting back together with an ex. So, as I said in the introduction, I want to give you some good reasons and some, I don't want to say bad reasons, but kind of bad reasons, not so good reasons that you might be thinking about getting back together with an ex. Before I kind of get into the nitty gritty of those, I just want to set the scene a little and normalise and validate that. Of course, when a relationship ends, you're going to have so many mixed feelings.
[00:04:04]:
You might feel immense, overwhelming grief. You might feel really lost and disoriented, you might feel relieved, you might feel lonely, you might feel scared, you might feel a lot of uncertainty about the future. You might be feeling rejected, you might be feeling unworthy, really doubting of your lovability or your value. There's a lot in that. And I think that we maybe downplay just how emotionally overwhelming a breakup can be, given all of the things that it will often stir up within us. So if you've been through a breakup recently, and recently is relative, for some people, that might be a couple of days, others it might be months or even longer. I don't know that there's some sort of ideal timeline for processing that grief, because grief is really personal. And I just want to really normalise and validate any and all of those things that you might be feeling.
[00:05:06]:
And maybe there are lots of other things that are in there too, because it is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. And particularly if, as I know, a lot of my listeners are, if you are someone with more anxious attachment patterns. I've spoken many times before on the show about how breakups can be particularly challenging for folks with anxious attachment patterns, because so much of your sense of self and purpose and so much of your energy on a day to day basis tends to be orbiting around the relationship, pouring into the other person. And particularly when a relationship is feeling really strained or challenging, and that will often be the case. Towards the end of a relationship, the amount of energy that you were putting into it was probably heightened, right? That only tends to increase as things get harder. So for you to be completely consumed with trying to salvage something, only for it to ultimately end, that's going to be very, very challenging for you. And you probably feel, in addition to all of the other things that I just shared, you might feel a real sense of failure because you might have been carrying the self imposed pressure of needing to make it work, or if only you'd done something differently, then maybe things would have been different. I think another really common scenario after a breakup is that we can have a very selective memory around what the reality of the relationship was like.
[00:06:42]:
So all of a sudden, the day to day challenges and hardships in the relationship, which were very real and very overwhelming when we were in it, those tend to be alleviated, right? Because we're not in proximity to our ex, we're not having those same fights, we're not in the pressure cooker of the relationship anymore. And so all of that tension and pressure can fall away and we're just left longing for the good stuff. And we can really have rose coloured glasses in hindsight, when we're thinking about all of the things that we miss and all of the things that we will miss going forward, I think grieving the future that we're not going to have with them can be as devastating, if not more so, than grieving the past that we shared together. So I think in the days and weeks after a breakup, we have all of these realisations of, oh, I'm not going to get to go and do that thing anymore with my partner, or that show that we watched together, who am I going to talk to about that now or that restaurant that we loved? All of the little things that can sort of get lost in the bigger picture of a relationship that's not working can all of a sudden trigger this immense grief and this real sadness and longing and sorrow. So I think that our focus tends to go to all of that stuff that we're missing, rather than all of the things that we're relieved to no longer be having to deal with, because we sort of lose sight of how hard those things really were when we're no longer being exposed to it and we're just feeling the lack of the good things. So all of that to say that if you're experiencing those things, if you've been through those waves, that's really normal and understandable and very human. And it's unfortunately just a part of the process of a breakup, because a breakup really is an unravelling of all of that, of our attachment to someone. And even if it doesn't really make sense, I often get people saying, why am I so upset about a relationship ending that was clearly dysfunctional and I was sad and stressed all the time in the relationship.
[00:08:58]:
So why do I feel even worse now that it's ended? And it's so important to understand that this stuff isn't really rational. It's emotional, it's biological, it's our attachment system. And so even if a relationship was unhealthy, you had an attachment to that person. And with that person and untangling, that takes some time and will feel really uncomfortable. So I just wanted to start by recognising the realness of all of that, rather than just going straight into nice and easy questions and tips and pitfalls that maybe recognise or honour the emotional mess of a breakup. Because I think we've probably all been there and we know that it's way easier said than done, that it's simple but not easy, and that what might be obvious from the outside is really, really hard when you're on the inside. So with all of that being said, if you are in this situation of you've been through a breakup and you're contemplating getting back with your ex, whether that's because they've reached out or you want to reach out or you've been having discussions and it's on the cards that you might get back together and try again. Obviously, be discerning, apply this to your situation to the extent that it applies to your situation.
[00:10:17]:
But I want to start with some reasons why you might not want to make that decision. What we might call bad reasons to consider getting back with an ex. And I think that the first one is just that you miss them absent anything else. Right. If it is just an emotional pull and a yearning and a longing and a sadness, missing them, feeling really deep in the grief of the breakup, I do not think that that alone is enough or is a good justification for getting back together. Because, as I've just spent some time explaining, all of that's completely normal and will typically be present, even if the relationship was really unhealthy and probably needed to end. But I think that so many people fall into this trap of thinking, like, if this was the right thing, I wouldn't feel so bad. I wouldn't miss them so much.
[00:11:19]:
I wouldn't be feeling the absolute heavy weight of grief about this ending. And I'm so uncomfortable with that grief, I don't really know what to do with it. So how do I just backpedal and reverse this and go back to the comfort zone of the relationship, the familiarity of that, even if it's a better the devil you know kind of situation. A lot of people do that. They just can't cope with the feeling of disorientation and loss that comes with a breakup, and so they scramble back. And the reason why that's a bad reason to get back together, apart from the fact that you will always feel that after a breakup, is that none of the issues that led to the relationship breaking down are going to have been resolved in that scenario. And it's typically based on misguided optimism in this sense of, oh, but we love each other so much, and now we are able to see clearly how much we love and miss each other, so let's just try again. And while love and a realisation of how much you value each other is necessary, I don't think it's sufficient.
[00:12:28]:
And so just missing each other without more is not a good reason to think about getting back together. Okay. Another not so great reason for wanting to get back with your ex is a fear of being alone or ending up alone. Or maybe you've been broken up for a few months and you've started dating again and you find yourself a little disheartened by the reality of the dating pool and the whole dating experience. So I think, again, this happens a lot. I hear from people a lot in this situation of once they put themselves back out there, or maybe they're just grappling with the reality of starting from scratch and being single all of a sudden. The things that felt really hard and challenging and dissatisfying about their relationship pale by comparison when thinking about having to reenter single life, which for some people, reentering single life is a really exciting prospect for a lot of people. I know that it isn't, particularly with the realities of online dating and how exasperating and demoralising even that process can be.
[00:13:32]:
So I think that often there can be this sense of the dread of approaching dating, or maybe you've been on dates, as I said, and it's been a little lacklustre, and then you start to go, oh, maybe my ex wasn't so bad, or maybe my previous relationship wasn't so bad. Maybe I can kind of slink back there with my tail between my legs and maybe all of my unmet needs or all of the things that bothered me there, I can just kind of suck it up and get over it, because at least it was comfortable and at least we loved each other. And that feels a lot better than the void that I'm swirling around in at the moment. Now, again, very human, very understandable, very natural. You're not pathetic or crazy or desperate to be contemplating getting back together on that basis. And I think we can also recognise that a sense of scarcity and loneliness is probably not the ideal foundation for thinking about rekindling and rebuilding a relationship that ended because it wasn't working. So I think that if that's the main driver for you, that sense of fear and loneliness and worry, that there's not something better out there. So I should just settle for a relationship that I wasn't happy in because I'm worried that that's the best I'm ever going to get.
[00:14:49]:
I don't think that that's fair to you or fair to your ex, frankly, because it's not really what you want. It's just maybe what you think is possible for you because you're feeling a little wobly in your confidence as you re approach dating. Okay, the next not so great reason to get back together with someone. And this is kind of specific to a certain dynamic and scenario that I get a lot of questions about. Again, if you were in a classic anxious avoidant kind of dynamic, and your partner kind of freaked out, had some fear come up and pulled away and withdrew and maybe said, I'm not ready for a relationship, or I don't think this is working, or maybe this isn't the right fit, they had some of those reservations come up and they ended the relationship on that basis and you were really devastated by that because that's not what you wanted, and then some weeks or months later, they pop their head up again and kind of act like nothing happened and try and reopen the connection without any recognition of what went on or why or what's going to be different this time, how they've processed whatever fears or resistance drove them to that behaviour in the first place. If it's a kind of, can we just sweep it under the rug and start again? Because I miss you, or anything in that vein, I would really, really counsel you against it because as we'll come to in a moment when we start talking about some good reasons to get back together, having real clarity around what went wrong and why and why it's not going to happen again is absolutely essential. And in the absence of that, if someone's not really taking ownership of what happened, and again, it's not about fault or blame, it's not saying like, you did this, so you have to make it right in a finger pointing kind of way. But it is just recognising that something happened there and that was really painful for you.
[00:16:45]:
I know that for people who are in that situation where someone is having second thoughts and kind of has 1ft out the door and maybe you've broken up several times and then gotten back together, then broken up, then gotten back together. Continuing to play out that pattern establishes such an imbalanced power dynamic in the relationship whereby the person who didn't want the relationship to end and who wants to believe that it's going to be different this time, they tend to get smaller and smaller and smaller every time you come back together. Right? So if you're in that situation and your partner is coming back and wanting to try things again, but you're not really convinced that there is that self awareness and self responsibility around what was going on and how they plan to address that within themselves and relationally, then I think that it's, again, kind of misguided optimism that's coming from a place of hopefulness and yearning, but maybe is not really being kind to ourselves and being honest with ourselves about whether things are likely to really be what we need them to be in order for the relationship to work. And I think that when you've been in a dynamic where someone keeps pulling away and keeps getting scared and keeps running, then you become so hyper aware of that possibility that you become very small and you become very inclined to tiptoe around everything and walk on eggshells and not want to do anything that might tip them over the edge, that might scare them away, that might push them to the brink. And so you stop voicing needs and you try and be low maintenance. And as I said, it establishes a pretty imbalanced power dynamic in a lot of cases. So be really mindful of that as a possibility if that's a scenario that you're confronting. And as I said, I know that's a little bit more specific, but it's common enough that I get questions about it all the time.
[00:18:46]:
Okay, so let's pivot now to a couple of better reasons that you might want to think about getting back with an ex. Or maybe you relate to some of the reasons that I've shared that are not so great reasons and you want to put yourself in a better position to try rekindling. And these that I'm about to share will hopefully at least give you some guidance on what to aim for as part of that process, rather than just going in blind with hope and optimism but lacking a plan. So I think it is always a really good idea when you're thinking about getting back together with an ex that you have had very clear conversations around how each of you contributed to the patterns that existed in the relationship generally that weren't working, why the relationship ended, what caused the relationship to break down again with real clarity around how you each contributed to that and how it affected the other. What unmet needs were there in the relationship? Because in most cases there is some sense of we're not feeling satisfied here. And so many of the negative cycles that exist in relationships arise from unmet needs and conditions of not feeling valued, seen, understood. And so being able to talk about all of this stuff is absolutely essential if you're having conversations around getting back together and even trying to broach these topics is leading you into spiralling arguments. That's a bit of a red flag to suggest that maybe we are still lacking in the tools, the emotional safety, the awareness to be able to do the work that it would require for us to get back together in a way that's likely to be effective.
[00:20:26]:
So getting really honest with yourself around, like, okay, have we kind of done the work here? Do we know what led us to where we are? And an important additional step? Because I think a lot of people can fall into this trap of just having conversations that go round and round and round and we talk about it to death, and then we sort of burn out, fizzle out before we actually come up with a plan. So we don't walk away from the conversation with like, okay, so what's the action that comes from all of this talking that we've done? So being able to figure out, like, okay, why are things going to be different? Not just because we have awareness now that we didn't have awareness of before, because awareness is great and it's necessary, but again, it's probably not sufficient. You do need to go, okay, what are our commitments to each other? How are we going to make sure that this doesn't happen again? How are we going to proactively nurture our relationship so that we can address these things as and when they arise or even prevent them from arising, rather than letting stress get the better of us, letting ourselves fall back into old patterns. Because again, you can rest assured that if you're going in blind without a plan, you'll have the euphoria of being back together and it'll feel great for a bit, and then you'll just slip right back into where you were. And maybe with the added stress and hurt of feeling overwhelmed that you've landed back there when that wasn't what you wanted. So recognise that these patterns are really powerful and you're going to need to come up with a plan that you're both really on the same page around and you're feeling really collaborative and like minded in the way that you're wanting to approach it. That's going to really stand you in good stead to make sure that the relationship is different, because it is going to need to be different, otherwise it's going to end the same way. Okay?
[00:22:16]:
And as a last but related point, I think if you've taken a good amount of time apart, so maybe you've been broken up for six months, a year or longer, and you've lived a bit of life in between, and you've come back into contact somehow and you've reconnected and it feels good and you both have done a lot of growing in that time. You've sorted your shit out, to put it fontly, or at least you've done a lot of work in the direction of growing and getting to know yourself, and you're both open to trying something. And again, having, as I just talked about, a level of clarity around what you're both looking for, your values, your readiness for commitment, all of those things, and it does feel really aligned, then. That might be a scenario where it's.
[00:23:08]:
Like, okay, let's give it a crack. And maybe, as I said, with the benefit of time and space apart, a good amount of time and space apart, you might not have the emotional charge that comes with trying to get back together soon after breaking up. You might have a bit more distance from those patterns that could have existed in a previous iteration of your relationship. So it almost feels like in that scenario, you're starting from scratch with a new person, or at least with some sort of blank slate that allows you to come to it with really fresh eyes and not carrying all of the legacy baggage and wounding of a recent dysfunctional version of the relationship, because that's going to be very powerful in shaping the way that you relate to each other. So if you have had a bit more time and space apart and circumstances have changed, or maybe you broke up because you were long distance and now you're living in the same place or things like that, that kind of change the parameters, and it now feels aligned in a way that it didn't previously, then that might be a reason that you would explore rekindling or having another go. Okay, so I hope that that's been helpful for you. If you are someone who's been through a breakup recently and you've been toying with the idea of giving it another go or some other version of that scenario where it's on the cards that you could be rekindling with an ex, maybe they've popped their head up and you're wondering what you should do next. I hope that this has given you a lot of validation for how hard that is and a bit of a steer on some questions that you can ask yourself in reflecting and making that decision, because it is a big decision and it's one where we really want to be self responsible and honest and taking good care of ourselves while also obviously doing whatever we need to do and whatever we feel called to do in the relational field.
[00:25:01]:
So, as I said, I really hope that it's been supportive for you and a reminder that you can save 50% off my higher love breakup course or my secure together relationship course, anxious, avoidant couples course with the code big love, all one word. So thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:25:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. Close.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, guidance, insecurity, breakup, rekindling, emotional, grief, closure, anxious, avoidant, dynamics, self-imposed pressure, selective memory, unmet needs, emotional roller coaster, dating, commitment, values, clarity, personal growth, validation, resilience, decision-making, self-awareness, emotional safety, power dynamic, wounding, long-distance, reflection, support
Building Self-Worth & a Secure Dating Mindset with Dr. Morgan Anderson
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we're talking all about building self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence in the context of dating. Dr. Morgan is a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of the relationship self-help book, Love Magnet. She is also the host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast.
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we're talking all about building self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence in the context of dating. Dr. Morgan is a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of the relationship self-help book, Love Magnet. She is also the host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast.
In our conversation, we cover:
how insecure attachment styles fuel unhealthy dating patterns
how low self-worth and a lack of self-trust impact our dating mindset
common shifts that occur as you rewire old patterns and move towards secure attachment
practical tools and tips for shifting your dating mindset and building a secure dating persona
To connect with Dr. Morgan:
Listen to her podcast: Let's Get Vulnerable
Find her on Instagram: @drmorgancoaching
Visit her website: drmorgancoaching.com
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do your past experiences or attachment patterns influence your approach to dating and relationships?
What are some negative beliefs about yourself that may be impacting your self-worth in relationships?
Can you identify any adaptive coping mechanisms or protective strategies that stem from past relational trauma? How do they affect your current relationships?
How might self-compassion play a role in healing your wounds and developing a healthier approach to dating?
In what ways can you broaden your perspective on self-worth beyond the context of relationships? What activities or interests bring value and fulfillment to your life outside of romance?
Have you experienced a corrective emotional experience in your relationships that positively impacted your attachment style? If not, how might you seek out such experiences?
What are some intentional ways you can maintain a sense of self and pursue your individual interests while dating or in a relationship?
Have you noticed any urgency in your approach to relationships? If so, how might slowing down and reorienting yourself lead to more informed choices and healthier dynamics?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we are talking all about building self worth and a secure identity in the context of dating, which I know is something that a lot of listeners are going to be really, really interested to hear about. Dr. Morgan is a licenced clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach and author of the relationship self help book Love Magnet. She's also the host of the let's get Vulnerable podcast and the creator of the empowered, secure loved relationship programme. Our conversation covers a lot of ground from why we get stuck in the same patterns, why we find ourselves going after unavailable people, why we would want to do the work, to rewire all of that. What that work actually looks like some really practical steps that you could start taking towards building a more secure identity and actually creating the kind of relationship that you want and enjoying yourself in the process. So I'm sure that you guys are going to love this conversation and I'm really looking forward to sharing it with you. Dr. Morgan, thank you so much for joining me.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:01:36]:
Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited about our conversation.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:40]:
Yeah, likewise. So maybe we could start by you just introducing yourself and giving everyone a bit of a feel for what you do and the kinds of people that you usually help in your work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:01:54]:
Yes, I am Dr. Morgan Anderson. I am the host of the let's get vulnerable podcast and I help women heal and have high self worth so that they can attract the relationships they my, I call it like my former life. I was a clinical psychologist, I still am a clinical psychologist. And then I saw how big of a gap there was in terms of attachment theory and people knowing about attachment theory and how to apply it to their dating lives. And I started this coaching business about four years ago and now have had the pleasure of coaching over 500 women and helping them become more securely attached and step into their high self worth version of themselves. So it's been a wild ride the last four years and I love what I do. And of course, as you know, Stephanie, for a lot of us who are drawn to this field, this really was a calling for me because it was my own personal struggle.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:09]:
To say, is there that thread of personal story that led you to really knowing how deeply this was needed and having walked that path yourself?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:03:19]:
Yes. Isn't that the case for those of us that really run with this? It starts with the personal story, and that was certainly the case for me of experiencing childhood trauma that then led me to really painful dating patterns all through my twenty s. And then I tell people that my rock bottom moment really was when I was dating a narcissist. And that relationship just got to a very unhealthy place, and I was kind of at that fork in the road of, I can keep doing this, but I know I am causing so much damage to myself and every relationship I go through is just getting more and more painful. So at that rock bottom place, I decided I need to heal, and I really threw myself into researching attachment theory and ways to rewire your belief system. I'm really happy to say I'm three years into a wonderful, healthy, securely attached partnership, and I think if it's possible for me, it's really possible for anyone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:30]:
Yeah, it sounds like there are some common threads in our respective stories there, because I had a similar experience of when I was younger, my first two long term relationships were, I think, just probably by pure luck, were quite healthy. But then I had this relationship in my mid 20s, which was really not healthy at all. Very dysfunctional, like very classic anxious, avoidant, every expression of that dynamic. And it was really only through that experience, as stressful as it was. And I look back and it's quite amazing to me that I persisted in it because I stayed in it for three years. Amazing to me that I persisted through so much dysfunction and so much just like, striving and pushing all the time, every day. But I really don't regret it at all because it was that that pushed me to the bring. And in a funny sort of way, I can look back now and see that the patterns that really came to the fore in that relationship were sort of latent in me in those earlier relationships, but they sort of weren't brought out as much because the relationship was more secure.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:44]:
But it was only in really seeing those parts of myself that were exacerbated through that dynamic that I was able to then go, okay, this needs my attention. As much as it has a nice story to tell myself that it's all his fault because he's just a bad guy. There's a part of me that's getting something out of this because I didn't just walk away at the start right. There were all of the signs there. And I, for some reason, was attracted to that challenge. And so I think that having those experiences, it's not like we need to go and seek out awful relationships for the sake of growth. But I think when we can look back and go, okay, there's something in this that's more than just, oh, I just attract all the bad guys. It's like, well, what is it within me that is attracted to that? That really gives us a lot of fertile ground for growth and self exploration and healing if we're brave enough to do that work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:06:42]:
Oh, so powerful for you to share that. It makes me think about the concept repetition compulsion, which, you know, where we are in our adult relationships, repeating unfinished business from our childhoods. And yes, there are those relationships like the one you described, where it is your unfinished business just staring at you. You can't avoid it. And you see those wounds that have never been examined or never been healed. And yes, it is an opportunity to do that deeper work so that we can then intentionally go into our future relationships. So it's a very empowering way to look at it. And I do.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:07:30]:
I'm incredibly grateful for that relationship that I went through because, yes, it was probably my most toxic relationship, and it is the one that made me say, this pattern has to stop and to finally really see my wounds. So, yeah, I'm with you now. I have a lot of gratitude for it. At the time, I didn't, but now I do.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:57]:
Yeah, totally. So is there kind of an archetype of person who you're seeing again and again? Like, who are the kinds of people that you're working with? What are the things they're struggling with? Is there a pretty clear pattern or a few key patterns that you're seeing?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:08:14]:
Yeah, a lot of the people that I work with have found themselves in relationships that don't end well or relationships that don't meet their needs, or they're constantly attracted to that emotionally unavailable partner who can't meet them? I work with both anxiously attached and avoidantly attached individuals, and also a lot of disorganised attachment. As you know, that's really common in my work, since that's so connected to early childhood trauma. And I think that oftentimes with disorganised attachment, we can just find ourselves in really painful dynamics. And then those folks are a little bit more motivated to seek help. So a lot of disorganised attachment, but women will come to me when they say, okay, I've blamed the dating pool. I've blamed all the guys, but now I'm taking ownership. I am the common denominator. I want to own my role in this and they're so ready to heal and do the work and they just don't want to be in pain in their relationships anymore.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:32]:
Yeah. That sense of exasperation, of, like, surely it's not meant to be this hard. I'm looking around me and it feels like other people are managing to do this. And despite my best intentions and the fact that I really want a relationship, why does it keep ending the same way? Why do I keep finding myself? And I think a lot of what I see and hear from people is they're attracted to someone that really seems all kind of picture perfect until it isn't. And not only is that painful to play out, but every time you play it out, your self trust just kind of withers, right? Your ability to go, oh, do I just have terrible judgement because I thought things were one way and now it's this 180. And so then that really erodes my sense of self moving into the next relationship and the next person I meet, because I'm scared of my own, scared of myself, scared of my patterns. And so there's like this internal vigilant, just like this barren self trust environment. And I think that when we combine that with general anxiety or.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:46]:
I talk a lot about how I think much of the time when we're afraid of something, we're afraid of our own feelings, I don't want to experience that because of the embarrassment or the rejection or the shame or the hurt that I might feel if that thing comes to pass. And so we just end up in overdrive and it sucks all of the joy out of it. I think there's just like, from all of these angles, people are having a really hard time navigating this, and it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:11:18]:
Oh, I love that you mentioned this about self trust. That is such a key. And I do think that's a common thread in people that I work with, is just that disconnection from self and being unable to tell, okay, what is my past trauma? Or what is my insecure attachment style versus what is my inner knowing? What is the truth? What is my gut? And I know when you get to that place, it does, it just makes dating exhausting. And then you get a lot of people who overcorrect and they say, I'm never going to date again. And they're not in the dating scene. Right. They're giving up on love and just going to travel the world with their girlfriends. But then at the end of the day, they admit to themselves they do want partnership and they realise, okay, I have to go about dating differently and I think that speaking of self trust, for so many people, you probably find this. It started early on, that disconnection from self.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:34]:
Yeah. And I think that one of the hardest things and something I hear time and time again and something I've experienced myself is like, how can I trust myself when I had this paranoia or this fear and it came to fruition and so it's like banking evidence in favour of the fear story that's telling me I was right. And so that protective part of me that's on the lookout, that's hyper vigilant, that's snooping or that's paranoid. When it gets proven right by an experience or a relationship, then that only bolsters the perceived importance of that pattern going forward. It's really hard from that place to go, okay, I'm going to just drop that and stop doing it because it feels like it's serving such an important protective function. And so I think there's all of these pieces that are operating there to keep us really entrenched in our patterns and we just keep spinning around in them.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:13:30]:
Yes, it's so true. And I love when people start to build self trust and they're gaining that inner knowing and they're hopefully moving towards secure attachment. I see those things as being so interconnected and they're able to feel when something is off early on. I've had so many clients who go, oh, my gosh, now that I've done this work and I'm moving towards secure attachment, I know that I just saved myself six months of games, six months of heartache. I felt it early on. I trusted myself and something that in the past, I would have just predicted it and catastrophized and yes, it would have happened. I was able to just remove myself early on and I think there's so much, oh, gosh, it's just such a big win to me. When we know what to invest our energy into early on and we can feel it.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:14:34]:
I guess it's preventative heartbreak. I love that so much. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:40]:
I think that it's probably not something that happens overnight, but you can, over time doing this work, take stock and go, yeah. Things that used to be attractive to me, I'm just so not interested in that kind of gameplaying or just that kind of energy, like flakiness, inconsistency doesn't do anything for me anymore in a way that it would have, once upon a time, really lit my system up and sent me into some sort of like, made me go in for more to investigate or to try and clarify or to gather information. It's just like that falls away a bit and you cease to be drawn to that kind of dynamic because you've built enough of the new stuff within you that's like, oh, that doesn't feel like a fit anymore for where I'm at, where I'm going.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:15:31]:
Yes, I love that so much. When you can start to feel that shift within you of being attracted to secure attachment and a securely attached relationship. I remember when I was doing this work on myself and feeling like, where did all of these good, emotionally available men come from? Did they just fall from the sky? Where have they been? The reality was I just wasn't attracted to them when I was in my disorganised attachment place. So it's so true that we can really change who we are attracted to and what kind of relationship dynamic is attractive to us.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:16]:
Yeah, I posted something yesterday which was from a previous podcast episode and it was along the lines of when we've been in those really inconsistent, kind of chaotic, dysfunctional relationships, that intermittent reinforcement that we get is so addictive. And so when we then start to step towards healthier relationships, it can feel like it's just not doing much for us in those early transitional stages when you're doing this work. And I think a lot of people will experience that and relate to that, this sense of healthy feeling. Boring at first, yes. When your system is really calibrated to spikes and chaos and the person who is kind of mean to you or doesn't meet your needs or is really unavailable most of the time, but then they turn up and they take you out to dinner, that's going to feel so much better for your system when you're used to that than the person who takes you out to dinner every week and is really consistent and available, right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:17:25]:
Absolutely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:26]:
So recognising that, recognising that, that's a powerful system. And being really conscious about, like, which part of myself do I want in the driver's seat here? The part that is going to respond really automatically to those old patterns. Do I want to be led by that kind of like pinball machine lighting up inside me and just follow the feeling? Or do I want to make really conscious decisions in the direction of what I know is best for me and what I know is right for me? Because I think if we do just keep following those familiar feelings, we're going to follow them down familiar paths to familiar dynamics with familiar relationships, we know what we want.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:18:08]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:09]:
And then we go, oh, why does this keep happening to me?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:18:12]:
Exactly. I love that you're talking about this. We talk about this in my community a lot. And one of the sayings I have is secure is sexy because it is part of that rewiring the brain to adjust to a new normal, to say, wow, emotional availability is really attractive and starting to learn that there's different levels of intimacy that come with that and a different kind of intimacy that is stable and predictable. I think what we find, and I don't know, this is my own personal experience, my clients experience. Maybe you relate to this, of when you've been in that for a while and you're starting to normalise into it, you then see, oh, wow, this is really attractive, this is really amazing and really different from anything I've had before. And I don't even know how to really put it into words. But you know what I'm saying, right?
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:17]:
It's like this deep nourishment that your system can actually just rest in relationships. And I think if you've always had a lot of insecurity, if that's been kind of the dominant force of your relationships has been stress and insecurity, it's probably just like the medicine that you didn't realise how deeply you needed it to actually just be able to rest in the safety of a relationship.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:19:42]:
I love that word rest because the word that comes to me is relax. That ability to relax into love and to create a partnership that really feels like home, that is easy. There's so much joy and love that comes from that, that so many people with relational trauma in their childhoods have probably never experienced that kind of relationship before.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:14]:
Of course there's trust in it, right? It's really hard to trust that it's real. And so we can go so quickly to trying to find the problem or trying to find where it's all going to fall apart. When's the other shoe going to drop? When's it all going to go south? Because that's just what we know and that's what we've been really primed to expect, right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:20:38]:
Yes. And people who are becoming secure will have extinction bursts. You've heard of that term where you're learning this new behaviour, you're becoming securely attached and then your brain goes, hey, but what about this insecure attachment behaviour? What about all these old protest behaviours? That we've used before. Are you sure you don't want these? And then they come back with a vengeance. Right. So I have these women that I'm helping and they'll say, oh, my gosh, I was doing so well and then all of a sudden I had this huge anxious attachment spiral and really, that's extinction. Bursts of the brain saying, well, hey, this was our old way of being. This worked for us for a really long time.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:21:27]:
Are you sure you don't want this?
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:29]:
Yeah, well, I think when we've got those protective strategies that feel so deeply etched into us, it's like muscle memory. It's like if you're right handed, you're learning to write with your left hand and it's just like, oh, the pull to the old way. Those parts of you that really are protective, right, and were once adaptive, it can feel really scary. For those parts to feel like you're trying to make them go away, it's like, oh, you are bad, and I'm going to make you stop now. It's why I really emphasise approaching ourselves with self compassion and not being like, oh, I'm so fucked up, I'm so broken, I've just got to stop being so anxious or I've got to stop being so scared. Makes a lot of sense, right? My anxiety. What's my anxiety trying to keep me safe from. What's my anxiety trying to tell me and recognising that.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:27]:
That part of you or those parts of you have been working really tirelessly to keep you safe for a really long time and that that's not something we need to make go away. We just need to maybe look at whether that's still adaptive to our current situation and environment and what we're working towards. And to the extent that it isn't, it's like, well, okay, can I come up with some new tools and new ways of doing things that are maybe a better fit for where I am and where I'm going?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:22:56]:
Absolutely. When we are critical or we shame those parts of ourselves, we just maintain them and then we can make them bigger, we make them come out sideways. So 100% agree with you of compassion, kindness, curiosity, being willing to explore, what's the story I'm telling myself there? What needs a little bit more healing? What's the wound that's coming up? Right. And then I teach this in my programme about how do we then have compassion and then say, how do I realign with this securely attached version of me and what does my current healthy coping look like, but so many people, they don't do the compassion right. They're just beating themselves up and then they just want to try to move back to a healthier version. But we know you won't be able to move through things without that compassion. It's so needed.
Stephanie Rigg [00:24:02]:
Yeah, I think I often say the shame, it's just layering more and more stress onto a system that's already in a lot of stress. If I'm just making myself wrong for everything about my experience and when unworthiness and low self esteem is already at the heart of a lot of that, punishing ourselves, beating ourselves up, criticising ourselves, not going to make that better, right? That's just going to make that feel more true. All of our stories of low self esteem, low self worth. So I think that recognising that we have to turn things around there and that really starts within. It's going to be very hard to do any kind of meaningful growth or healing work from a place of shame and solve criticism. It just tends not to work very well.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:24:50]:
It's so true. It's so true. And then I think once people are in that more secure place or they've done some of that inner work and they're building their self worth, then what I know we probably both see is where people start to have new relationship experiences. I call these corrective emotional experiences. Right. And what I love about that is then you're gaining evidence for the healthy relationship, for the secure relationship. And I know how significant that is for people in their healing process.
Stephanie Rigg [00:25:31]:
Yeah, and I would say that's true even if you don't go on to be in a long term relationship and marry the person. It's just like, can I allow myself to really receive the goodness of this experience irrespective of what happens? I think the more we shift away from some of those insecure patterns, the more we can just be open to presence and curiosity in the dating process, in getting to know someone. And even if it's not a great fit, you might just find yourself really nourished by a connection over dinner and talking to someone and feeling a level of authenticity and confidence within yourself. That can be a beautiful corrective experience, even if it doesn't go anywhere or nothing becomes of it. I think that think it we are, then the more we can take all of that in and really receive it and receive the benefit of it. Whereas when we're in that really constricted anxious space, it's just such a strong negative bias. So it's like everything feels like a failure or a setback, just not perfect. And that's what we're trained to see and that's really what we take in.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:26:43]:
Oh, I love that you're talking about this because one of the things I would want to share is this idea that really healthy, secure attachment is the foundation in dating. And so many of us, if we don't have that foundation, we're getting stuck in those anxious, avoidant or unhealthy relationship patterns. And that's kind of really easy to pull us in and just get us stuck in that place. But when we have secure as the foundation, then we get to this really juicy, fun, exciting level of dating where we're able to actually look at compatibility and values and how do I want to feel? It's almost like the next level. I know for a fact when I was in an insecure attachment place, dating was just kind of this challenge and I was so wrapped up in fear of abandonment that I just wanted to make somebody like me and choose me. I couldn't access compatibility because I was so focused just on that attachment level. So I just think it's so powerful when just as you said, you get to a secure place, you're in this abundance mindset, you know your worth and then you're just exploring compatibility and values and do I even like this person? Is this someone where our lifestyles match up? Right. It's just such a juicier, more fun place to be.
Stephanie Rigg [00:28:16]:
Yeah. And I think that everything you say there around the sole criterion being like, does this person like me? For a lot of people, particularly with more anxious attachment patterns, it's just like they really like me. So great, let's go. And there's no sense of reciprocity around, like, am I scoping out whether I like them or am I just feeling really flattered, lit up like that deeply unworthy part of me loves the attention and loves someone pursuing me. And that's kind of all I need to get myself hooked into the pattern. And I think that when we tend to that part of us so that it's not so susceptible to those little bursts of ego attention, then the much better place we are to have a balanced approach where we are there and we're thinking about like, as you say, how do I want to feel? What are my values? What are my non negotiables? What are the things that are really important to me in a partner, in a relationship? And I think the other side of that, it's kind of this balancing act of we want to have clarity. And we want to be able to advocate for those things. And we don't want to be too rigid or prescriptive, like, we want to be open to being surprised by someone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:29:32]:
And I think that having that secure base within ourselves allows us to walk that line in a way that, as you say, is kind of fun, or at least feels like a totally different energy to a very constricted, anxious, rigid way of doing things, which is just kind of bracing for fear and trying to get someone to like us, which is not fun. Right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:29:59]:
Yes. I think about this deep knowing of, hey, if I've already chosen myself and I know my worth, and I've released some of my unfinished business from the past, then I can really approach dating with this blank slate. And I'm not here trying to get you to choose me. I've chosen myself. And it is just such a different approach. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:30:29]:
And I imagine as well, a key piece of that is I'm not making it mean anything about me at a fundamental level. If you like me or you don't, or however it plays out, I can be somewhat. It's not that we become immune to that. I think you can be really securely attached and still have hurt feelings or be disappointed or upset if something doesn't work out and you were really excited about it, but you don't take that additional step of like, what's wrong with me? This always happens. No one's ever going to like me. Those old stories that come up and drag us down, I think you can just be with that, whatever the emotion is without taking that additional step of telling really painful stories about yourself and letting that impact your worth at a really fundamental level.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:31:18]:
Oh, it's so true. So true. And I think about all of my years of, I'll call it unconscious dating, where I did have all those negative beliefs about myself, and I would just use whatever negative experiences happened to me in dating as ways to confirm those really unhealthy beliefs about myself. So our brains are very good at looking to confirm whatever we believe and that we look to our environment. So that's why I really believe in doing this healing work and looking at your belief systems and releasing your past so that when you do go into dating, it's a blank slate weighed by all of that. Yes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:32:09]:
So if we were to pivot to giving people a bit of a sense of the how on all of this, I feel like we've painted the picture of why you'd want to do it and what's possible. What does the how look like I love this question.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:32:25]:
I think it's a very important one. One of the first pieces is the commitment of I really do want to work on myself and I know how important this work is. So just making that decision and releasing expectations on how long it's going to take it is a journey. So I think that's very important of I make the commitment, however long it takes. The second piece would be awareness. You have to understand what are my current patterns, what is my attachment style. And then I take my clients through something called a relationship inventory, where we really look at all the dynamics of past significant relationships. That's part of the awareness piece, processing those old woundings and being willing to look at it.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:33:17]:
I'm not one of those coaches who's going to come on here and say, oh, just write out the life that you want and say your affirmations and then you'll have exactly what you want. That's not how healing works. The only way forward is through, as you know. So I really believe in examining our past in the beginning. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:33:41]:
And I think that intention setting is great and conscious awareness is great. And as we talked about earlier, there's a doing piece here. We actually have to step out into the world and let our system, our being, live out another version of things. Because if we have a lot of evidence banked up as to why our old beliefs or our old experiences are true and the only way, then no amount of journaling or visioning is going to be enough to shift that. It's a really great start, but it's only part of the story there. And I think that having that lived experience is invaluable. We really can't land in that new reality until we're feeling it in our body in a really experiential way.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:34:37]:
Absolutely, yes. So, yeah, definitely the awareness piece, being willing to show up differently with behaviours as you're describing, and showing up with new ways of being. I also really believe in identifying your securely attached identity. So getting really familiar with what would secure attachment look like in practise. So many of us don't have that model, we wouldn't even know what it would be. So really defining your securely attached identity and then using self compassion, use it to realign with that securely attached self when needed. So I guess those are some of the core things. I know we could probably spend a few hours going over the exact path, but I really believe in awareness.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:35:36]:
Rewire your brain with really healthy beliefs about yourself and relationships. Learn about your securely attached identity. Create that very clearly and then practise showing up differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:35:51]:
Yeah, I would also add to that something that I will often say to people is like, when you're working on building your self worth in relationships or in dating, it can really help to work on building your self worth outside of that context as well. Because I think that particularly if you're, again, more anxious in your patterns and your tendency is for all roads to lead back to relationships. Right. Everything I'm doing, I'm doing it to find a partner and to be loved. I think sometimes if we're really laser focused on that, even if we're doing all this good work, can be with like, the strings attached of, I'm doing it so that someone will love. And so I think there can be huge benefit in broadening out our scope and going, okay, securely attached version of me would also have all of these other things going on in my life, right? And maybe I'd be practising more self discipline in other areas, maybe I'd be challenging myself, maybe I'd be taking up a hobby or whatever, but not having it all be in this very narrow funnel that is about securing a partner. Because I think the reality is that securely attached people do have much more balanced lives. And that sense of self worth is not just relational in nature, it's really essential to your identity and your self image.
Stephanie Rigg [00:37:18]:
And so I think that can be hugely helpful and pay really big dividends to broaden out the lens a little. And I know for me that that was a really big piece in building that up for myself and eventually leaving that relationship that I was in was that I was not even really focused on the relationship so much. I think I'd started to kind of detach from it, but I didn't quite have the courage or the confidence to pull the trigger and leave. But in the background, I was doing all of this stuff to really focus on, I suppose, anchoring in my own value and my own efficacy and capability. And these things that were not about love or romance or partnership, they were just about like, no, you're a valuable person and you've got this right, you're strong and you're capable. And I think that having those experiences in a kind of broad way can be really, really helpful. When it comes back to all of.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:38:19]:
This stuff, I love that you mentioned this. It's so powerful. I wrote a quote that did well on social media, and I think it's because it's a metaphor for this idea. But I said something along the lines of the kind of relationship where you're not my entire world, but you're my favourite continent to visit.
Stephanie Rigg [00:38:45]:
Yeah.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:38:46]:
Because I really love that idea. We cannot have our relationship be our entire world. It's not healthy for us. It's not healthy for our partners. My partner and I, three years together, we do something called solo Saturdays. We do whatever really fills us up as individuals on Saturdays. And we know that we need that time, and it's incredibly important. He's a fly fisherman.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:39:15]:
He loves fly fishing. And in my old relationships, I know I would have tried to force myself to take on his hobby to learn.
Stephanie Rigg [00:39:25]:
How to fly fish.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:39:26]:
I can't tell you how grateful I am that I am in this secure place. I am not buying a fly fishing rod. I'm not learning to fly fish. I celebrate that that's his. And I have my own hobbies. And it is very important to maintain that sense of self and you as the individual, knowing that that is so important to your own happiness and also to your ability to be a good partner.
Stephanie Rigg [00:39:55]:
Yeah, I completely agree. And I think the more that you can, if you're single at the moment, cultivate that really proactively and consciously and use that time when you do have more space to really figure that out for yourself. Because I think it's easy to fall into relationships and to get a little bit lazy and to kind of collapse into the relationship and kind of do everything together. It's like, figure that out while you're single. It's not that you can't do it while you're in a relationship, but it's a beautiful opportunity to figure that out while you're single and then be really aware of it and be really kind of diligent about keeping up those things. Because if for no other reason, then I think it's so rewarding on an individual kind of self level. But it's also much better for the relationship. It's much more attractive to have that separateness and to have distinctive lives rather than just to be kind of one entity again.
Stephanie Rigg [00:40:52]:
I think the insecure parts of us, particularly more anxious patterns, love that idea of just let's enmesh and become one, and then I'll feel safe because I'll have my claws sunk into you so deeply that I'll always know where you are, what you're doing, and I'll never lose you. Right? Yeah, but it's not sexy. Suck the oxygen out of it. Yeah. I think there's really a lot more to be gained from very deliberately fostering and holding on to that full, vibrant sense of self and then to be able to enjoy that in each other and appreciate that rather than becoming complacent and sloppy about those things.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:41:37]:
It's so true. Desire needs a bridge to cross, as Esther Perel says. We need that distance to be able to create desire. I say something much less sophisticated than that. I always say boundaries are hot. They really are. Boundaries are very attractive. So knowing what your boundaries are with your time and being able to maintain that no matter where you are in a relationship, I think that is one of the things that leads to healthy long term relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:42:15]:
Yeah, agreed. What would you say to people who are in the early stages of dating someone and who experience that urge to just fast track everything, to get to that place of certainty and kind of lock it down, because that in between space can feel really anxiety inducing, can feel really wobbly. What would be your advice for people who are in that kind of interim phase of dating?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:42:42]:
I definitely have a few pieces. One is something I call reality testing. It's something that's using cognitive behavioural therapy of slowing down and actually taking stock of what is the reality here. How much time have I spent with this person? What do I actually know about them? Given where we are, what is the appropriate emotional investment? And one way I like to really frame this is, is there enough secure attachment in the relationship? Aka, do I know this person well enough? Have they earned my vulnerability right? Has that been established enough to support the level of emotional investment? So sort of thinking about it as like the foundation of a house, if it's not there, then I can't build on it. And reminding yourself, you owe it to yourself to slow down. Let someone earn your vulnerability, let someone show you that they can build secure attachment and really pace your emotional investment.
Stephanie Rigg [00:43:59]:
Which can feel so counterintuitive for a lot of people, right? It's like the opposite of everything that their body's telling them to do, which is like, faster, faster, faster, faster. Let's jump ahead to the part where we've said I love you and we move in together and I don't have to deal with all of this uncertainty. But as you say, I think that skipping ahead can come at a cost because you're kind of building the walls without the foundation there, to use your analogy. And that typically comes back to bite you. You realise that you haven't really done the legwork to justify the level of emotional attachment and investment that you've poured into this thing. And then if it does crash and burn, it's going to hurt a lot more because we had so much riding on it, there was so much pressure on it, there was so much investment that was maybe just disproportionate to reality.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:44:57]:
Exactly. And think about yourself as an intentional investor. We'd say that with the stock market, it's no different with your relationships of, hey, I need to really know, is this right for me? And your energy, your time, your love, that is your most valuable resource. So really just seeing it as, hey, I really do need to be intentional with how I'm investing this. And just like in the stock market, we want return on investment in relationships. Is this creating secure attachment? Is this something that can grow? Do I feel how I want to feel? You need to be willing to slow down and be that love scientist that's gathering the data on those things. And yes, it is so hard when that's not what you're used to doing. It can feel so foreign.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:45:52]:
But remember, if you want a different result, you have to show up differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:45:58]:
Yeah. And I think also just reminding yourself that that urgency is, that's not a reliable feeling. Right. And that's probably not what we want to be, just blindly following. I think for a lot of people it's like, but if I slow down, what if they lose interest? It's like, probably not going to happen. And if it does, then that wasn't the person.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:46:23]:
Right.
Stephanie Rigg [00:46:24]:
If it's that feeble and flimsy that you slowing down and pacing this appropriately means they lose interest, then that's really good information too. Not your burst. If it's as amazing as it feels, it will still be there at a more sustainable pace and it'll probably be all the more amazing for you slowing down and taking that time. But as you say, I think that when we're trying to forge a new path, we have to be really prepared to not just do things because we feel a certain way. Well, I feel this, so I have to act in that way. Well, you have a little bit more agency than that. And reminding yourself of your capacity to choose something different, as strong as the feelings might be and it might be so overpowering, so overwhelming. But just like grounding yourself, coming back, okay, as you say right here, right now, what do I know to be true? What choices do I have available to me? What's the right thing for me to do? And hopefully on the other side of that process of kind of reorienting and grounding, it feels a little more spacious and a little less burgeon and catastrophic.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:47:42]:
Absolutely. I love how you describe that. I think about this in real life of, okay, you have the decision, what would that securely attached version of me do? And they probably wouldn't send the 17 text messages. They would go to yoga with their friends like they had planned. Right. We always have that option of, how am I showing up? What am I aligning with? And I'll tell you this. I think some of the first times you start to slow down and intentionally decide how empowering that is and learning, oh, I can slow down. I don't have to let my anxious brain or my avoidant brain decide what I do.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:48:27]:
I can be intentional and decide differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:48:30]:
Yeah. It's almost like knowing that your first thought is going to be probably coming from the old part and just, like, waiting for the second thought, slow it down and not just shoot from the hip, because there's a really good chance that that fear brain is going to be sending you down an old path that might not be where you want to be headed. So just knowing that about yourself, and I suppose it comes back to that self awareness, and that was a huge part of my journey and my growth is just like, being able to notice it being like, oh, that's my anxious brain telling me to do the anxious thing. And I don't have to follow that. I can actually choose something different. I think the more it's like doing reps of an exercise at the gym, the more reps you do, the easier it feels, the more confident you are in that being an option available to you. And over time, the new way feels more natural than the old way. And that's a really powerful thing to experience.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:49:31]:
It is. I love that you said that. That's so true. And I think early on it's hard to believe that, but we know that to be true, that it really can become your more natural way of being.
Stephanie Rigg [00:49:44]:
Thank goodness. I know. Thank goodness. It really is something for me when I think back to some of the things that I would do by default that now would be so unnatural, like in conflict or it's like I wouldn't reach for those things anymore. It's not how we do things, because I've actually got this new way that works a lot better for me and doesn't cost my system so much, and there's a lot of peace and relief in having that. So it's very important work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:50:15]:
Yes, it is. Yeah. And wow, what a gift you've given to your community. I've had the pleasure of listening to your show, and I'm just amazed at how much you've put out there and how good you are at explaining everything and sharing. I know you've helped so many people on their healing path.
Stephanie Rigg [00:50:38]:
Thank you. I really appreciate that. And likewise, it sounds like you're doing a lot of really important work and much needed. I know that so many listeners of the show are very much in this space and experiencing a lot of those patterns and repeat dynamics. I'm sure there's a lot of people who are going to get a lot of value out of today's conversation. Before we wrap up, where can people find you if they want to go deeper on your work or familiarise themselves with your podcast, Instagram, all of that sort of stuff?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:08]:
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. And really, the best place to connect with me is on my podcast. With over 400 episodes now, it's the let's get vulnerable podcast available anywhere podcasts are aired. And then I do also spend some time on Instagram, and that is at Dr. Morgan coaching. Dr. Morgan coaching.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:32]:
So happy to answer dms and I do a daily informational post there. But the podcast really is where all the juicy stuff is. So cheque out the let's get vulnerable podcast.
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:46]:
Perfect. And we will link all of that in the show notes. Well, Dr. Morgan, thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure. It's been so lovely to have you. Thank you so much for joining us.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:57]:
Thank you for having me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:59]:
This was lovely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:52:03]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Anxious attachment, self-worth, healthy dating, rejection, self-improvement, secure attachment, relational trauma, self-compassion, shame, self-criticism, corrective emotional experiences, solo Saturdays, desire, emotional investment, intentional investing, self-awareness, self-trust, fear, relationship dynamics, Stephanie Rigg, Dr. Morgan Anderson, attachment theory, secure identity, coaching business, emotionally unavailable partners, disorganised attachment, healing relationships, personal experiences, clinical psychologist
On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
Trust and Vulnerability: Choosing to Embrace the Risk
In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, trust is the golden thread that holds everything together. It's the foundation upon which we build connections that feel peaceful, secure, and authentic. However, the vulnerability of trust and the associated fear and uncertainty can often leave us in a state of hesitation. In this episode, we delve into the complex interplay between trust, risk, and vulnerability and explore the empowering act of choosing trust in our relationships, despite the absence of guarantees.
The Collision of Fear and Trust
At the heart of the matter lies the collision between fear and trust. Our innate fear seeks certainty - a safeguard against the unknown and the uncontrollable. It recoils from the murky grey areas of uncertainty, striving to derisk every aspect of our lives in pursuit of a guaranteed shield against potential harm. This desire to eliminate risk roots itself deeply in our behaviours, particularly for those who grapple with anxious attachment. The perpetual quest to preemptively avert any potential harm leads to hyper-vigilance, the need for constant reassurance, and a pervasive sense of mistrust.
The Illusion of Control
However, the irony lies in the ineffectiveness of these controlling behaviours. While they stem from a well-intentioned drive to protect oneself, they can inadvertently sabotage the very connections we seek to preserve. The relentless pursuit of certainty and the hyper-focus on potential problems obscure the true essence of our relationships, overshadowing the joy and positivity that exists within them. It's akin to grappling with a rope tied to an immovable brick wall – a futile exertion of energy that only serves to drain us further.
The Liberating Truth
Amidst the turmoil of uncertainty, a liberating truth emerges – there are no guarantees in love and relationships. Love, by its very nature, is inherently vulnerable and risky. No matter how much we delve into the realms of control, the unpredictability of life remains unscathed. Embracing this reality can be both terrifying and empowering. It entails acknowledging that while we cannot foresee the future or prevent hurt, we do have the agency to choose our approach to trust.
Choosing Trust as an Action
Rather than waiting for a sense of trust to manifest as a feeling, we can actively choose trust as an intentional action. This perspective reframes trust as a conscious decision we make, irrespective of the lingering uncertainties. It's a shift from the arduous pursuit of an elusive feeling to embracing trust as a deliberate and open-hearted choice. This shift in mindset allows us to release the need for absolute certainty, liberating ourselves from the exhausting burden of attempting to control the uncontrollable.
The Path to Embracing Vulnerability
By acknowledging that trust is not risk-free, we set ourselves on a path of embracing vulnerability. We accept that trust involves inherent risks and uncertainties, transcending the paralysing grip of suspicion and fear. This realisation empowers us to relinquish the need for constant vigilance and control. It enables us to tread towards open-hearted trust, creating an environment that fosters joy, peace, and gratitude within our relationships.
Conclusion
In the intricate dance of trust, risk, and vulnerability, the power to choose trust emerges as a transformative force. By shedding the weight of futile control, we liberate ourselves to embrace the vulnerability of trust. As we navigate the complexities of human connections, our agency to consciously choose trust becomes our compass, leading us towards authentic, thriving relationships. In this pursuit, we unearth the freedom to release the grip of fear, fostering an environment that nurtures connection, empathy, and genuine understanding – one intentional choice at a time.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when your fear of uncertainty and unpredictability influenced your behaviour in a relationship. How did this fear impact your ability to trust and be vulnerable?
Consider the concept of risk in relationships. Do you tend to view risk as inherently negative? How can embracing the vulnerability of trust lead to growth and connection in relationships, despite the inherent risks involved?
Have you experienced a situation where your efforts to control and avoid potential hurt in a relationship led to unintended negative consequences? What did you learn from this experience?
How does the pursuit of certainty and guarantees in relationships affect your ability to experience joy and peace? Can you recall times when letting go of the need for certainty brought unexpected positive outcomes?
Have you ever struggled with waiting to feel trust before extending trust in a relationship? How might the act of choosing trust as an action, rather than waiting for a feeling, shift your approach to building trust in your relationships?
Think about past experiences where fear and suspicion overshadowed the goodness in your relationships. How might adopting a more open-hearted approach to trust enhance your ability to appreciate and nurture the positive aspects of your relationships?
Consider the phrase "I have trust issues." How might reframing this as "I am choosing to trust" empower you to shift your relationship with trust? What challenges might arise in making this shift, and how do you think could overcome them?
Explore the idea of self-trust and its connection to trusting others. How does your level of self-trust impact your capacity to extend trust to others? In what ways could developing self-trust enhance your ability to choose trust in your relationships?
Reflect on the notion of relinquishing control in relationships. How might releasing the metaphorical "rope" of control and embracing vulnerability free up emotional energy and create space for deeper connection and personal growth?
Finally, consider the impact of fear and hyper-vigilance on your well-being and relationships. Can you pinpoint instances where suspicion and fear overshadowed your ability to experience peace? How might choosing trust over fear contribute to your overall sense of well-being in relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about trust and the vulnerability of trust, and yet its absolute importance if we want to build secure relationships that feel peaceful and connected and not riddled with fear. So today's episode is going to be a short and sweet one, and I apologise that it's a couple of days later than it would usually be. I'd actually recorded a whole different episode on breakups and discovered that when I went to edit it, there had been a tech issue and half of it had been lost. So I was back to the drawing board and decided to pivot and talk about something different. So I wanted to share some thoughts on this topic today because it came up from a question from a client, and I think it's a question that really will resonate with so many people.
[00:01:20]:
People who struggle with anxious attachment, people who struggle with trusting that someone could really be interested in them, trusting in the reliability of a connection, that something bad isn't always lurking around the corner. And when we notice those fears coming up and all the behaviours, it can drive us to really being able to consciously reframe the way we think about trust and empowering ourselves to choose trust rather than to wait to feel it. That's what I really want to share about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to very quickly share and thank you all because we just crossed over 3 million downloads on the podcast at the start of this year, when I'd set some goals, I put down a goal of 2 million downloads for the podcast by the end of the year. And at the time of doing that, in the beginning of January, we had about 500,000. We just crossed over 500,000 downloads. So to be sitting here on the 22 December with 3 million downloads is pretty incredible. And I'm just so, so grateful for all of you, your ongoing support, whether this is the first episode you've ever listened to, or whether you've been here since the beginning.
[00:02:37]:
Thank you. Thank you for listening, for your beautiful reviews and shares and reflections, for the messages you send me. I feel really, really honoured and humbled that I get to do this and impact so many people all over the world with this work. So a big thank you from me. So let's talk about this. Let's talk about trust and vulnerability. Now, I think what's so important to understand is there's this tension between trust and vulnerability and fear and uncertainty, right? And our fear wants certainty always. Our fear doesn't like the murky grey space of I don't know what's going to happen and I'm not in control.
[00:03:25]:
And yet that is fundamental to the nature of trust and the vulnerability of trust. Right? Our fear wants us to derisk everything to the point where we have all but a guarantee that nothing bad is going to happen. Right?
[00:03:41]:
That's what so many of our behaviours in relationship. If you're someone who struggles with anxiety and struggles with trust, so many of our behaviours come down to that quest to eliminate risk and to make sure that we don't get hurt, when really we can never do that. And ironically, so many of those behaviours that we might engage in in furthering that end actually have the opposite effect, in that we might undermine a connection or we might drive someone away, when really there wasn't whatever problem existed in the first place. Maybe there wasn't one, maybe it was sort of a figment of our imagination, or maybe it wasn't as big as it felt to us, because our fear will always magnify these things and catastrophize and make us believe that something relatively minor or easy to work through is actually doomsday scenario. Everything's going to fall to a million pieces. So recognising that, oftentimes, while our fear has the best of intentions, and it absolutely does, right, this is not something to shame ourselves over and to say, oh, I just wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't so afraid or untrusting or anxious, really, that part of you is working overtime to try and keep you safe, and that's a beautiful thing. But the problem is, it can often have the effect of almost becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. If you're constantly on the lookout for something bad that's going to happen and you're always testing someone or asking them for more and more and more reassurance, that behaviour can have the effect of driving people away because it can lead them to feel accused or like they're not being trusted, when they haven't done anything wrong, and all of those things.
[00:05:26]:
So recognising that, recognising this complex interplay between fear and trust and vulnerability and uncertainty and I suppose recognising the simple truth, which I find to be quite liberating, you might find it to be terrifying, but hopefully you find some liberation in it, is that there are no guarantees. And love is inherently risky and vulnerable. And no matter what you do, no matter how much information you gather, no matter how many questions you ask or how much snooping you engage in, no matter what someone says to you or doesn't say to you, there are still no guarantees that you won't get hurt, that they won't leave you, that you won't get rejected, that you'll live happily ever after. There are no guarantees. Anything could happen. It's outside of our control or our ability to predict. And so really all we can do is choose. How do I want to show up today? How do I want to be today, knowing that's what's within my control? Now, this doesn't mean being blind as to circumstances that are not working for us.
[00:06:44]:
If there are known breaches of trust and we know that's impacting our sense of safety in the relationship, if there are problematic behaviours that we're clearly not comfortable with, in no way am I suggesting that you just put your blinders on and keep choosing to trust and trust and trust. But in the absence of those things, and if it's just this lingering sense of worry or anxiety that something bad could happen, then I'd really encourage you to see that for what it is, to recognise that, yes, your fear is trying to keep you safe. But at the same time, safe probably means disconnected. And safe probably means living in this unrealistic, illusory world where you have certainty and it's just not attainable, it's not compatible with the vulnerability of being in relationship. Because relationships are vulnerable and they do involve risks and unknowns and uncertainty. But when we make our peace with that and we realise what is actually within our control, then it's a huge relief to our system because we're working overtime to try and control things that we can't. And that is really exhausting. And it really does block connection, it really does keep us so stuck in fear.
[00:08:04]:
And I think, most importantly, it stops us from seeing all the good in our relationship because we're so laser focused on magnifying the bad and on scrutinising every little thing that could become a problem in the future. We miss a lot of the goodness that's in front of us and that's a real shame because that's the stuff that we need to be, not only seeing and appreciating and soaking up and receiving, but actively nurturing. And there tends not to be a lot of space or capacity in our system to do that when we're so clouded by fear. So all of that to say, what I really want to emphasise for you, is that rather than waiting for trust to arrive as some sort of feeling, right, and I get so many questions like this, I'm not sure if I can trust them. How will I know if I trust them? I get the same questions about love. How do I know if I love someone? How do I know if I'm in love? I think we really rack our brains trying to decipher how will I know when I have a feeling or if I don't have a feeling? How do I make myself have a feeling, or I do have a feeling, and how do I make myself stop having a feeling? And I think that that's a pretty futile exercise most of the time, partly because it means something different to all of us. What you're saying when you ask me how do I know if I'm in love with someone, it might be completely different for you than it is for me. And it is so abstract and subjective.
[00:09:35]:
But more than that, even if we did have some sort of universal, clear definition of those things, which we don't, trying to force a feeling one way or the other, trying to force ourselves to feel something that we don't, or trying to force ourselves to not feel something that we do, usually doesn't work very well. And I'm sure if you've tried that, you would know that that tends not to be very effective. And if anything, just causes us more stress because we're kind of pushing against what is within ourselves. So rather than trying to force a feeling of trust, or wait for a feeling of trust before you extend an action of trust or create an environment of trust in your relationship, what would it be like to treat trust as an action that you can choose? Right. Trust is a choice that I make. This is something that has been really helpful for me in my current relationship and previous relationships. There was this sense of either I can be in hyper vigilance and I can be in this mode of waiting for something bad to happen and being on the lookout for that, and being in this sort of anticipatory, braced position, or I can just let go and I can choose to trust. And either way, I can't prevent something bad from happening. Right?
[00:10:54]:
But I know what it costs me to do the former thing rather than the latter thing on a day to day basis in my relationship. I know what it costs me to not trust, to not choose trust, because it is not a very nice internal experience for me and it doesn't create a very nice relational environment as between me and a partner, to be in that mode of anxiety and mistrust and seeking to control things that I can't so recognising either way. And again, I hope this is liberating, but it might be really terrifying. You can engage in all of the controlling behaviours that you want, all of the snooping and the detective playing and the seeking reassurance and the testing. And even still, it is not going to change whether or not you can trust your partner, right? It's not going to change whether something bad happens or not. You can't derisk with those sorts of controlling behaviours, but you can cause a lot of damage to yourself and to your relationship. So what would it be like if you just chose to trust and to let go? It's sort of like I heard a visual on another podcast and I can't remember exactly where it was, but it's sort of this image of imagining a brick wall with a rope attached to it. And you're just spending all day long pulling on this rope that's clearly not going anywhere, right? It's fixed to a brick wall.
[00:12:22]:
What would it be like to just let go? And how much energy would that free up? How much space would you create to do other things and to feel other things, to receive other things, if you weren't spending so much time pulling on that rope? So something to think about. Trust is not risk free. In fact, it always involves risk. So rather than waiting to feel trust in a way that feels completely safe and risk free because you probably will never get there, can you instead step towards the vulnerability of choosing trust, knowing that either way, you cannot control the outcome, you cannot predict the future? There are no guarantees, but you have a much greater chance of finding joy and peace and gratitude today and tomorrow and the next day if you are living from an open hearted place of trust, rather than a closed hearted place of suspicion and fear and hyper vigilance and aversion to any risk or vulnerability. So I hope that that has given you something to think about and has been a helpful reframe on something that a lot of us, I think, struggle with. And it is a struggle. I'm not saying it isn't. I'm not saying that you just flip a switch and all of a sudden your quote, unquote trust issues are going to dissolve into a puddle but I think it's a much more empowering way to relate to trust than just telling ourselves, well, I have trust issues, or I'm not good at that, or how do I know if I can trust someone? Just choosing, right? Just choosing and seeing what happens, I think is a really beautiful, freeing way to approach it.
[00:14:11]:
So I hope that you all have a really beautiful holiday season spending time with whoever you're spending time with. Stay safe, take good care of yourselves, and I will see you again next week for our last episode of the year, which is very, very exciting. Thank you again for all of your support. I'm so grateful for you have a beautiful, festive season, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:38]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I.
[00:14:59]:
Hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, trust, vulnerability, secure relationships, fear, anxiety, insecure attachment, reliability, connection, breakups, fear in relationships, gratitude, trust issues, love, control, certainty, risk, uncertainty, choosing trust, suspicion, hyper vigilance, open hearted trust, joy in relationships, peace in relationships, holiday season, festive season, self care, Instagram, podcast, reviews
Why Anxious & Avoidant People Are Drawn to Each Other
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the common question of why those with anxious attachment patterns are typically attracted to those with avoidant attachment patterns (and vice versa). As we know, this is a very common relationship pairing - which can be confusing when you feel like the challenges of that dynamic are at odds with your preferences and desires.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the common question of why those with anxious attachment patterns are typically attracted to those with avoidant attachment patterns (and vice versa). As we know, this is a very common relationship pairing - which can be confusing when you feel like the challenges of that dynamic are at odds with your preferences and desires.
As we'll cover, oftentimes this is driven by subconscious patterns that propel us to recreate the familiar in a way that reinforces our core beliefs about ourselves and others.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment Black Friday Sale
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about why it is that anxious and avoidant folks tend to be drawn to one another in relationship. So this is a very well established, observable, and I'm sure, anecdotally relatable pattern that we see all the time. And yet for a lot of people, it can feel really confusing because it seems to be at ODs with maybe not only what you want, but also at ODs with your preferences, your underlying desires when it comes to relationship, how you would like your relationship to look and feel. It can feel really confusing when we find ourselves in partnership with people who have ostensibly conflicting preferences and ideals when it comes to what it means to be in a relationship.
[00:01:20]:
And yet, as I said, it is very common for anxious and avoidant folks to be drawn to one another, almost like a magnetic pull that we can't resist. And if you're familiar with my work, you'd know that my philosophy is not one that says just avoid each other or it's always doomed and you should just go and find a secure partner and save yourselves the trouble. I don't subscribe to that kind of mentality, but at the same time, I think that we can often find ourselves drawn to certain people and patterns and dynamics from a subconscious, often wounded place, a place that is being largely driven by insecurities or unhelpful belief patterns. And so while that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed or the other person is bad, it is helpful always, I think, to have more awareness around what does drive our patterns so that we can have greater capacity to choose right. Without awareness, there's no choice. And I think we're much more prone to projection and fear and blame and insecurity when we're operating from a subconscious place. And the more we can bring awareness, the more we can take responsibility. We can clean up our side of the street, and we're much more likely to have healthier relationships when we are operating from something that is more aware and more conscious.
[00:02:51]:
So I'm going to be talking about this today. What tends to drive that pattern on both sides? Because it is very much a two way street. It's not just anxious people being drawn to avoidant people. Avoidant people tend to be drawn to anxious people as well. And so I'm going to share some thoughts on what can drive that on both sides. And of course, there's no single explanation that will apply to every case. But there's certainly key themes that I see emerging from the many people that I've spoken to about this and worked with before I dive into that. I just wanted to share that in a couple of weeks time, I am going to be reopening healing anxious attachment.
[00:03:31]:
It will be the 6th round of the course, which is wild to say. We've had over 1250 people go through the programme, which is very, very wonderful. And this next round happens to line up with Black Friday, which means that for those who sign up in this next cohort, you are very lucky. The timing is such that you'll be getting very discounted pricing. I'll be offering the course at the lowest price that I've offered it since I very first launched it in March of 2022. So if you are interested, jump on the waitlist via my website or that's linked directly in the notes under this episode. Being on the waitlist will ensure that you get first dibs and that you're able to access the Black Friday sale pricing for the course. I also wanted to quickly mention I've had a couple of people message me or leave a review recently complaining about me sharing about my courses at the start of each episode, and I just wanted to give a little bit of context for that.
[00:04:32]:
This podcast is ad free. I don't have any sPonsors. I don't have any subscriber only content. It's completely free. I think there's almost 120 episodes of totally free content. And believe it or not, that takes a lot of energy and effort and time every single week for me to record and edit and produce and upload, all of which I do myself. So I just want to contextualise that for people and maybe a gentle reminder that all of this doesn't just happen magically. And the only way that this show is able to exist is by me sharing opportunities to work with me in a paid capacity.
[00:05:12]:
For those who are interested in it, whether you are someone who has bought everything that I've ever offered, or you've never paid me a penny and never planned to, I'm grateful for all of you, really, I am. And I'm so glad to be able to provide so much free content and free resources for so many people. It really is incredibly meaningful. To me, but it's only viable by virtue of this very small percentage of people who do then go on to purchase something from me. So just keep that in mind, not only with respect to me, but with respect to all the creators whose work you value and follow. That it does really take a lot of effort. For me, it's the thing that I spend the most time on in my business, by a long shot, is creating free content, whether that's here or my newsletter, blog posts, YouTube videos, Instagram content, all of that is free and it is very time consuming. Anyway, so I just wanted to share that.
[00:06:04]:
Of course, you're always most welcome to skip past the first few minutes of the podcast if you find it particularly irritating, but I think that sometimes people need a bit of a reality cheque on how things work, and maybe when they're being a little bit entitled about other people's time and energy. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around anxious avoidant dynamics. Why we're so drawn to each other so, as I said, there's no hard and fast rule or explanation as to why this happens, and yet we see it happen all the time. And I'm sure many of you listening can attest to the fact that it feels almost magnetic, the pull towards each other. Even if you set the conscious intention to steer clear of certain dynamics, you might find yourselves back in them. And as a starting point, I think it's important to recognise that we are incredibly drawn to familiarity. All of our subconscious drives will gravitate towards what is known, because that's what's comfortable to us, even if what is comfortable is also challenging, painful, dysfunctional. There's a certain safety in the known relative to the unknown.
[00:07:09]:
I think when we take it a layer deeper and we look at some of the core beliefs that anxious folks and avoidant folks have around what it means to be in relationship and what that experience generally entails. We can see that the anxious avoidant pairing can do a pretty good job at keeping those belief systems intact. So for someone with more anxious patterns, the core beliefs that they tend to have about themselves are I am unworthy, I am unlovable. No one will ever love me as much as I love them. I have to work really hard to get someone's love, and to keep someone's love, I'm going to be abandoned. I'm always on the lookout for someone pulling away, someone being inconsistent, someone leaving me. Those sorts of belief systems are pretty deeply held and really etched in for someone with anxious patterns. And so when they are in relationship with someone who's more avoidant, who might not be overly expressive with their love and affection, who might be hot and cold at times, who might pull away, who might not be really consistent and available in the way they show up towards their anxious partner.
[00:08:27]:
As much as that triggers those same wounds, it also holds that belief system intact. Right? Because the anxious person believes no one's ever going to love me as much as I love them. I have to work really hard, all of these things. It's like, yeah, okay, my belief system, I've just gathered more evidence in support of that. And in a weird way, that's comforting to me because that is what I know. On the flip side of that, someone with more avoidant patterns is likely to have belief systems that sound like relationships are hard work. People are always disappointed in me. People want too much from me.
[00:09:00]:
What I do is never enough. I always feel like a failure. People are overly emotional and overbearing and controlling all of these sorts of things, which when they are partnered with someone who's anxious, those can be proven true, right. They can see someone who's very emotionally expressive, who might have high emotional needs. And as they get increasingly triggered or insecure, they tend to ramp up things like blame and criticism and raising the bar, and it's never enough. And constant requests for reassurance. And so there can be a lot of evidence gathered by the avoidant person in support of relationships are too hard, people are too much. I'm better off alone.
[00:09:41]:
And so even though that kind of very classic enactment of the anxious avoidant trap, the anxious avoidant dynamic is painful on both sides in that it's reinforcing pretty painful belief patterns. It's actually very much in accordance with each person's view of themselves, of others, and of the world. Right? So that's kind of explanation one for why we do that. There is a strange comfort in proving ourselves right, even if the things that we're proving ourselves right about are stories of pain and victimhood and unworthiness and failure. Related to that point around familiarity is you'll often see people recreating dynamics in their relationships that have some sort of echo of their family system. And when we look back at the origin patterns, the origin stories of most folks with anxious attachment style, the key factor that gives rise to anxious attachment patterns is inconsistency. So sometimes when I reach for you, you're there, and sometimes you aren't. You don't respond reliably enough to my attempts at connection that I trust in the stability of that connection that I trust in the reliability of you being there and that unreliability, that Unpredictability, that inconsistency, creates in me a lot of anxiety about whether I'm going to get my needs met creates a lot of anxiety of whether you're going to be there.
[00:11:09]:
And so when you are there, I want to keep you closed, and when you're not, I panic because I don't know whether or when you're going to come back. Right. Again, we can see a lot of the things that I'm describing which are really in the context of infant caregiver relationships playing out in a classic anxious avoidant dance with someone who might be less consistent, less available, less reliable to the anxious partner. So while that is, again, triggering and carries a lot of residue from that person's origin story, it's also very familiar because our origin stories are our blueprint for what it means to love and be loved. And so we go, oh, okay, this might hurt, but it's what I know. And more than that, it's not just a familiar pain, but all of the things that we've learned to do in response to that kind of pattern. So all of my tools, all of my strategies work really well in that environment because that's what they developed in response to. You could use the analogy of if I grew up in a particular climate and I developed a lot of savvy and know how about how to get by in a harsh environment, if you suddenly put me in a totally different environment, even if it were a less challenging environment, objectively speaking, I might not be very well adapted to that environment.
[00:12:23]:
I'm adapted to the one that I have spent most of my life in, and similarly in relationships, we can see, okay, if I have grown up in a system where I had to work really hard to get love, or I'm used to trying to perform, to get attention, or I'm used to trying to be low maintenance and having no needs. That's all in my toolkit, right? Those are all protective strategies that I've become very sharpened at. And so in a weird sort of way, I feel safer when I have those tools at my disposal and when those tools feel well suited to the dynamics that I then find myself in. So we can see that play out. And on the other side of the coin, it's the same story. So that is the core belief, family of origin explanation for why anxious and avoided people are drawn to each other on the other side. And these are not alternative explanations. I think they're more complementary.
[00:13:16]:
On the other side, I want to speak to how these dynamics tend to present in early dating, which is obviously the context in which we are initially attracted to, drawn to one another. So in early dating, what you'll often see is that someone who's more avoidant tends to be pursuing someone who's more anxious. I think this is a really common misconception that I've spoken to before on the podcast when people have asked that question of how can I spot someone who's avoidant in early dating. The thing is that most avoidant people are not going to be avoidant from day one. They're not going to be pulling away at the very start. That tends to be a stress response that happens later when there's stress, but at the beginning there tends not to be a lot of stress in the connection, because it's exciting, it's thrilling, it's new, it's fresh, and both people tend to come to that with really, really idealistic views of what it's going to be like, of how easy it's going to be, of like, oh, wow, this person's amazing. We all have that thing of seeing someone through rose coloured glasses at the very beginning, through this fog haze of infatuation and chemistry and all of that. And I don't think that's a problem we need to solve.
[00:14:28]:
I think it just is what it is, and it's something we need to be aware of and maybe not trust our own judgement so blindly in that phase when we know we're very much under the influence. So what you'll see in that early phase is an avoidant person tends to be an active pursuer of someone. And for someone who's more anxious, being pursued feels amazing, right? Particularly being pursued by someone who seems quite different to you, who might be quite seemingly confident and direct and sure of themselves and staBle, and very different to most anxious people who might feel a little bit more insecure, a little bit more shy or hesitant or less assertive. And so to have this person who has all of those traits and qualities that you really perceive a lack of in yourself and you admire in others, to have them pursue you quite enthusiastically, can feel amazing. Because, of course we're like, wow, someone like that wants someone like me, that makes me feel special and wanted, and that kind of lights you up. Particularly if you're someone who struggles with self worth, with feeling good enough, then having that level of attention is going to feel like, really, really good. Now, for the more avoidant person they are often attracted to in that early stage, the anxious person's emotionality, right? Even though that might be something that they later come to resist or resent or be frustrated by, that's something that they perceive a lack of in themselves, that they struggle to access within themselves that sense of expressiveness, of empathy, of emotionality. And so they might be really drawn to that in someone who's more anxious, having that depth, having that access to their inner world, is something that can feel really alluring to someone with more avoidant patterns, who is not accustomed to accessing that within themselves.
[00:16:20]:
And so that can be a real draw card for them, often subconsciously, of course. So that can pull you together at the start. The ways in which you are kind of opposites, so to speak, can be really, really attractive. But then what we often see is, and this is true whether you're in anxious avoidant dynamic or not, is that the very things that we were drawn to become, the very things that we criticise or find frustrating. So what the anxious person initially perceived as stability and directness and confidence, might then subsequently be perceived as coldness, aloofness, arrogance in their partner, and might be something that they start attacking or criticising. And likewise, the avoidant person might initially be drawn to that emotionality and then quickly recast that as neediness or being demanding or being unstable or too much. So we can see how those things that we are initially drawn to, that we lack within ourselves or that we have shut off within ourselves or kind of suppressed, that we can feel really a sense of admiration of or allure around in someone else. We then subsequently, when the sheen wears off, we are met with the rude awakening that this person is just different to us.
[00:17:45]:
And we can find ourselves being very critical of those same traits that we once were drawn to. So that's kind of the other key explanation, is that we are drawn to that which we have suppressed or which is underdeveloped within us, because we find that so alluring. And that makes sense as well, even from, like, an evolutionary point of view, that we would be drawn to someone with complementary traits or strengths or skills to us, rather than someone who's exactly the same as us. Because that sort of diversity of strengths is adaptive, of course. So what do we do with all of that? I think that it's really important, as I said at the start, to not freak out about this. What I often see is that people respond to insights like this by becoming overly vigilant and interrogating themselves and second guessing, third guessing, fourth guessing their own judgement, going, oh, no, is this just my subconscious? Because I think this, but I'm not sure about this. And that self trust piece, that can be a challenge for a lot of people with insecure patterns can get in the way there and we can become almost suspicious of our own feelings. And that's really not what I'm trying to contribute to in any way with sharing this, but rather just giving you some awareness of what it is within you that is drawn to certain things and what need that might be trying to meet or what painful story might be kept intact by certain choices, decisions, patterns that you continue to engage in.
[00:19:21]:
And I think that the more we can shine a light on those parts of us, those shadowy parts or those wounded parts, then the more we can tend to those aspects of ourselves and ultimately work to heal them or care for them so that we can start to trust in our decision making. So that we can have greater consciousness around who we choose to be in relationship with and where that choice is coming from. Because I think ultimately that's what we want to be shooting for. So I hope that this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you and all of your ongoing support. And as I said, if you're interested in joining healing anxious attachment when doors open in a couple of weeks time, just jump on the waitlist in the show notes and you will be notified via email when it's time. Thank you all so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:20:13]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.