#174: Anxiety vs. Intuition: How to Tell the Difference
Have you ever wondered how to tell the difference between intuition and anxiety? If so, this episode is for you. We're talking all about the difference between intuition and anxiety, and sharing some simple tools to know how best to relate to these states and when to listen to the information our body is giving us.
Have you ever wondered how to tell the difference between intuition and anxiety? If so, this episode is for you. We're talking all about the difference between intuition and anxiety, and sharing some simple tools to know how best to relate to these states and when to listen to the information our body is giving us.
We'll cover:
anxious attachment and hyperawareness of shifts in people's emotional states
trusting our perception but questioning the meaning-making
recognising urgency as a key imprint of anxiety
treating our anxiety with care and kindness without letting it run the show
Understanding Anxiety and Intuition: Navigating the Line Between Fear and Insight
In the intricate dance of human emotions and relationships, anxiety and intuition often occupy centre stage. They emerge as whispers from within, compelling us to pay attention to the signals our bodies send. But when they intertwine, it can be challenging to discern which voice is steering the ship. Anxiety might shout in urgent tones, warning us of impending danger, while intuition, more subtle, guides us gently with a feeling or a gut instinct. Recognising the difference between these experiences is a crucial skill, particularly for those with insecure attachment patterns, as it can profoundly affect how we interpret and respond to the world around us.
Anxiety vs. Intuition: The Challenge of Discernment
For many, the sensations of anxiety and intuition can feel strikingly similar. Our bodies communicate through a complex web of feelings, often without the clarity we crave. For those with anxious or disorganised attachment styles, this becomes even more complicated. There's a heightened sensitivity to shifts in the environment, such as changes in tone or mood, which can trigger anxiety spirals and conflict cycles. The challenge is in interpreting whether these sensations signal a legitimate concern or are merely reflections of internal anxieties. Knowing when to act on this information is essential for maintaining harmonious relationships and self-peace.
Trusting Feelings, Questioning Stories
When faced with a wave of intense emotion, it's important to trust the physical sensations you experience but be cautious about the narrative your mind creates. People with anxious attachments may have an acute ability to pick up on changes in their surroundings. However, while they might accurately sense a shift, the interpretation often leans towards catastrophic conclusions. This inclination to assume the worst, such as fearing a partner’s sudden distance means they are no longer loved, needs careful re-evaluation. It's about separating perception from interpretation, a process that involves pausing, regulating emotions, and embracing more balanced perspectives.
The Urgency Factor: A Hallmark of Anxiety
A sense of urgency is a telling sign that anxiety may be at play. When you feel an intense pressure to react immediately to a situation, it’s likely that your body is in a heightened state of arousal, driven by stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This urgent need to act often signals anxiety’s grip on your nervous system. Instead of succumbing to this impulse, focus on grounding techniques to calm your body. Practising deep breathing, walking, or any calming activity can help temper the anxiety, allowing for a clearer, more rational assessment of the situation at hand.
Nurturing Your Anxiety Rather Than Ignoring It
Ignoring or dismissing anxiety is neither productive nor realistic. On the contrary, acknowledging and tending to it can transform how you relate to this part of yourself. Instead of trying to silence the anxiety, which only intensifies the struggle, listen to what it is trying to communicate, albeit without accepting its narrative as absolute truth. Much like comforting a child who fears monsters under the bed, offer comfort and understanding to your anxious self. This act of self-validation doesn't mean acting on the fears but rather soothing them and understanding their protective intent.
By adopting a compassionate approach towards anxiety, you differentiate between the anxious noise and genuine intuitive insights. The key is not to let anxiety dictate your actions or cloud your reality with imagined fears, but rather to hold space for it, recognise its presence, and decide your steps from a place of calm and reason.
Building Self-Trust Through Clarity and Compassion
Ultimately, discerning between anxiety and intuition involves building self-trust. By refining your understanding of these experiences, you cultivate the ability to respond rather than react—to situations and internal states alike. This newfound clarity empowers you to approach relationships and life with a balanced perspective, grounded in trust both in yourself and in the signals from within. Developing tools and strategies to manage anxiety effectively not only enhances your emotional intelligence but also strengthens your interpersonal relationships. With practice, the distinction between anxiety and intuition becomes clearer, paving the way for deeper self-awareness and healthier connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a recent situation where you felt anxious or had a gut feeling. How did you discern whether it was anxiety or intuition guiding you? What process did you engage in to interpret those feelings?
Do you find yourself often assigning catastrophic meanings to subtle changes in your partner’s behaviour? How can you work towards exploring other possible interpretations that are less threatening?
Consider a time when urgency in decision-making was predominant in your experience. How did you respond to that sensation of urgency, and can you identify whether it was driven by anxiety?
How do you currently respond to your anxious feelings or thoughts? What strategies have you found effective in soothing these parts of yourself without dismissing them entirely?
In what ways can you cultivate a relationship of curiosity and compassion towards your anxious parts, instead of perceiving them as a hindrance?
Share an instance where you successfully separated the experience of anxiety from the content of anxious thoughts. How did this separation impact the outcome of that situation?
How often do you rely on external validation to confirm your own experiences or feelings? What steps can you take to build self-validation and trust in your inner experiences?
Reflect on your self-regulation toolkit. What activities or practices help you to bring more safety back into your system when experiencing anxiety?
When your anxiety presents a plethora of worst-case scenarios, how do you ground yourself and explore alternate, less catastrophic explanations?
Consider the role of self-worth in your experiences of anxiety and relationships. How might focusing on building self-worth alter the ways you engage with anxiety and intuition?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about anxiety and intuition and how to tell the difference between these two experiences, which for a lot of people, a lot of the time can feel very similar or at least when we don't have clarity around what the different feeling tone is associated with intuition on the one hand and anxiety on the other. It's really easy for the lines to feel really blurred and for you to not really have clarity around if you're getting all this information from your body that feels alarming and that is telling you to do something, that's maybe warning you about something bad that might happen or giving you, you know, a hunch or a gut feel about a situation. Wading through all of that information that your body's feeding up to you and figuring out how much of this is quote unquote just my anxiety and how much of this is actual information that I need to to act on. And if you are someone with insecure attachment patterns, particularly anxious attachment and disorganized attachment, you probably experience a lot of hypervigilance, a lot of really pronounced acute sensitivity to environments, to other people's feeling states, any sort of subtle shift in the energy, the mood, the temperature, all of that is likely to have your ears pricking up and it's something that you really are very tapped into, and that you notice, and that can often be the trigger for an anxiety spiral.
[00:02:01]:
That can be what kicks off one of your cycles, and particularly in a relationship, it can be the starting point of one of those negative conflict cycles. If you perceive that something's wrong and then you start questioning your partner saying, What's wrong? I can tell something's wrong. Why won't you talk to me? All of that sort of thing, it can really snowball from there. And so it really does beg this question of, like, when do we need to act on the information that we're getting? How can we sharpen our discernment around knowing what needs our attention? How can we best use that sensitivity that so many of us with anxious attachment patterns and disorganized attachment patterns have? How can we use that, you know, to our advantage rather than letting it be a source of stress and anxiety and something that causes maybe unnecessary rupture in our relationship. So we're gonna be talking about all of that today, how you can best relate to these parts of you, and how you can best respond within yourself and then relationally when you notice these things come up. I actually sent out an email newsletter last week on this topic, and I have a little over 30,000 people who received my weekly newsletter. And I received so many replies from people saying that they found this really, really helpful, and it was something that they related to a lot. Something that they had wondered about, how to tell the difference between these things.
[00:03:24]:
And so I thought I'd best turn it into a podcast episode, so that everyone can get the benefit of it because I suspect that, many people listening will also relate to this quandary. Okay. Before we dive into that, a quick reminder that my twenty eight day secure self challenge is kicking off on Monday next week. So if you are someone who struggles with insecure attachment, with anxiety in your relationships, with self worth, the Secure Self Challenge is a really effective way to kick start things in the right direction. So we spend four weeks together. Each week has a different theme, and it's all around the pillars of self worth, which is something that I teach self compassion, self care or self regulation, self respect, and self trust. And so we spend a week on each of those themes, really laying the foundations of self worth, which to me is absolutely essential and frankly a prerequisite to having healthy relationships. Because as much as I'm not someone who thinks that you need to love yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship, I think it's really hard to build a healthy relationship when you lack self worth because it is a breeding ground for all of those other patterns that I've talked about so many times.
[00:04:38]:
The people pleasing and the approval seeking and the lack of boundaries and holding on to people from a place of fear and control, all of that stems from a lack of self worth and not really trusting in our own value and being able to stand firm in that. So if any of that sounds like you and you'd like to spend twenty eight days with me and a community of others, really focusing on building those pillars of self worth, I'd love for you to join the Secure Self Challenge, which kicks off next week. The link is in the show notes to sign up, or you can head straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. Second quick announcement is just a reminder about my upcoming retreat in Byron Bay. If anyone is interested in joining me and a small group of others in an absolutely idyllic location for a few days of really focused, deep, powerful work and lots of lovely relaxation in between. I would love to see you in Byron Bay. It's not just for people in Australia. We've got about half and half so far people who are joining from Australia and joining from overseas, so definitely check it out if that sounds appealing to you.
[00:05:40]:
It is in mid May. We still have some spots available. And if you have any questions around the retreat, feel free to reach out to me whether via email or on Instagram. I'm happy to chat through it with you. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around anxiety and intuition. So I think a really important starting point, and I've said this many times before in many different contexts, is that we want to whenever we experience something like this, like anxiety bubbling up, the default mode for most people is to treat that as a problem to be solved. It's like a fire that we need to extinguish because we relate to, most of us, our anxiety as a nuisance, as something that ruins everything, it gets in the way.
[00:06:20]:
It's a part of us that we wish wasn't there and we want to get rid of. And as much as that is understandable and maybe a natural response to something that we perceive as being in the way of us having healthy relationships or having self worth or whatever. It's actually a really counterproductive way to relate to our anxiety because the more we try and silence it or make ourselves wrong for it, the more we add stress, we add shame, we add this sense of brokenness to a part of us that's already carrying a lot of fear and stress. So it's sort of the equivalent of if there was a child that was really really distressed and worried and scared, and you were just telling them to shut up and be quiet, that wouldn't do anything to alleviate their fear and their stress. If anything that would make it worse, and most of us, I would hope, wouldn't think to do that, right? The way that we would relate to a child who is afraid would be to comfort them and reassure them and say I'm here to protect you, rather than just telling them to shut up because they're annoying. So that's really the kind of inner relationship we always want to be cultivating with not only our anxious parts, but any part of us that we perceive as being inconvenient or getting in the way. Rather than making ourselves wrong for it, we really want to turn towards it with curiosity and go, Okay, what are you trying to do for me? I trust that you have good intentions, and, you know, all of our patterns are an attempt at self protection in one way or another, so how are you trying to protect me or keep me safe? That's a really good guiding question to ask to any of our parts. Okay, so I'm going to offer three guiding principles for this question around anxiety versus intuition.
[00:07:54]:
And this is far from exhaustive. This is not gospel. This is how I relate to these concepts and what I think is useful in wading through, sifting through, distinguishing between, you know, how to relate to these things. And I do want to acknowledge that there's no, you know, really clear black and white lines here. It's not like if you told me what you're experiencing that I could say, Oh, that's intuition and that's anxiety, and here's what you should do. Right? I think these concepts are inherently a bit murky, and to suggest that something's gonna be wholly one way or the other is probably not accurate. You might have some intuitive gut feel about a situation with a lot of anxiety layered over the top. So to suggest that it's always going to be one or the other is probably inaccurate anyway.
[00:08:39]:
In addition to that, I think we've got to acknowledge that concepts like intuition and gut instinct and all of that, that there's probably a bit of fluidity there around the definition and what it means to different people. So what I identify and know to be an intuitive feel about something in my body, you might have a really different experience of what that feels like in your body. So obviously, there is a level of subjectivity baked into these concepts, and I just wanted to acknowledge that at the outset. This isn't like precise science, what we're talking about here. Nevertheless, I wanna offer these three guiding principles. And the first one is, when you notice this stuff coming up, trust the feeling that you're having, but question the story that you're telling. So for anxiously attached people, for fearful avoidant folks, as I said in the introduction, you've probably got a pretty sharpened ability to perceive shifts in the mood, in the temperature, in other people's emotional states. Like, you've got a pretty good read of the environment around you.
[00:09:39]:
Right? That's a skill that you have. It's not all in your head. And so what I'll often find is that anxiously attached people will correctly read that something is off. Right? So you will perceive, okay, my partner's tone just shifted. An hour ago they were being warm, and now suddenly there's a slightly different tone and they're being a bit more standoffish. So you're probably correctly tapped into the temperature shift that has happened there. So you can trust what you're perceiving, but where we can really come unstuck is the interpretation. And I think that's where anxiously attached people in particular, their interpretation is almost always going to be really unfavorable, catastrophic even.
[00:10:24]:
So you might sense that your partner is suddenly a bit, you know, standoffish or short towards you, and you make that mean they don't love you anymore, or they're really angry at you, or you've done something wrong, or they're having an affair, or they're hiding something. You know, it gets really sinister really quickly. And naturally, if your anxious brain is sort of tossing those pebbles into the pond, like, that's going to create some serious ripples in your system. That's going to really ramp up the threat response, and that's going to then drive what you do next. So recognizing that, like, yes, you're probably not imagining it, whatever you are perceiving, that is maybe the the first domino, but you've got to really watch the subsequent dominoes because that's where your anxiety is going to come in and sort of tell you stories, interpretations that are likely to be catastrophic. So part of your growth is really noticing that first piece, and rather than just following those doom and gloom stories, actually pausing and regulating and consciously reorienting to less catastrophic stories, and just noticing because your anxiety will keep doing that. You can just notice the stories. Like, still now for me, if my partner has gone to the shops to pick something up, and I ring him and I can't get onto him, my brain will immediately go like, Oh, he's been in a car accident.
[00:11:46]:
Right? But I notice that, and I can almost I can laugh it off. It's not something that then sends me spiraling into panic because I'm convinced that he's been in a car accident. I can just recognize, Oh, yeah. That's my anxious part doing its thing and and telling me, like, all of the bad things that might have happened that are the reason for me not being able to get through to him. Right? So you can just watch that, like clouds floating by and go, Yes. Okay. Thank you. That is one possibility.
[00:12:11]:
What are the 500 other possibilities that aren't the absolute worst thing? And the more that we can do that, the more that we can stay somewhat grounded and regulated rather than just quickly going up into a full blown anxious fight or flight kind of response that then the more we follow our body into that, the more the stories become catastrophic, and that really just continues to to be a vicious cycle. They reinforce each other. What's happening in our body reinforces the stories and vice versa. So really consciously separating out the thing that I'm observing and the meaning that I'm attributing to it and trying to to stay somewhat grounded and recognize that there are explanations that are not the worst possible thing, and maybe I could give, you know, the benefit of the doubt to this situation rather than assuming the very worst. Okay. So the next guiding principle that I wanna give you is if it feels really urgent, there's a good chance that it's anxiety. So urgency, this sense of I have to do something right now because otherwise something really bad is gonna happen. You can even hear in that.
[00:13:12]:
Like, that's anxiety one zero one. Right? That is a function of our sympathetic nervous system. That is a function of that mobilized adrenaline cortisol state that we get launched into when our nervous system, our brain has perceived a threat. And it just tells us, like, something bad's gonna happen. You need to do something now. So if you're noticing that kind of feeling tone to whatever it is that's going through your body, going through your head, there's a good chance that anxiety is driving the bus. Now that doesn't mean that again, like, it doesn't mean you just have to completely ignore that thing, but recognizing what is going on in your body and going, okay, this looks and sounds like anxiety. I'm gonna treat it as anxiety, which means that I need to focus on regulating my nervous system first.
[00:13:59]:
Right? It doesn't mean ignoring it. As I said, if you just try and ignore it, like pressing the mute button on your anxiety, it's gonna get a lot louder. It's going to protest against that because it feels ignored and it is still convinced that something bad's gonna happen, so it's gonna jump up and down really, really loudly to try and get your attention. So instead of doing that, try and regulate your nervous system. Do whatever you need to do to bring some more safety back into the system. So that might be going for a walk, doing some exercise, doing some deep breathing, any number of things, and, you know, building out your toolkit for how to deal with anxiety and how to move that anxiety through your system so that you can come back into some more regulation. That's a really big part of your work as well. It's a lot of what I teach in Healing Anxious Attachment.
[00:14:43]:
But just really recognising, oh, okay, this looks and feels like anxiety, so I'm going to deal with that anxiety first, and then I will revisit whatever the thing is that my anxiety was trying to get my attention around. So it's not just dismissing ourselves, it's not invalidating ourselves. It's just recognising, okay, this is infused with anxiety so I'm going to try and soften whatever stress is in my system. Gonna try and process that and then see what's left over. And if there's still something that needs my attention, great. I'll deal with it then. But first and foremost, I need to address, like, the pressing issue which is I'm feeling really anxious and my nervous system is dysregulated. Okay.
[00:15:26]:
The third guiding principle that I wanna give you, and I've sort of touched on it already, is don't just ignore your anxiety. Right? It's not about trying to make our anxiety go away. I think implicit in the question, is it intuition or is it anxiety, there's an assumption that, like, intuition is to be listened to and anxiety is to be ignored or dismissed. Right? I actually did an episode a couple of months ago on the importance of self validation for anxiously attached people. And I realize that's not a particularly enticing title, but it's actually a very, very important conversation because anxiously attached people in particular are really, really bad at validating themselves. It's so evident in the questions I receive. Things like, how do I know if it's just my anxiety or my partner's actually doing x y z thing? Basically, like, am I just too sensitive? Am I just too anxious? Am I just too needy? All of those questions are really invalidating. It's basically saying, my experience that I'm having, I don't trust that I'm allowed to be having it.
[00:16:27]:
And so I'm trying to sense check that against other people to get them to tell me whether what I'm experiencing is real and true, and I'm allowed to be experiencing it. Right? And that same sentiment is present in the question of is it intuition or is it anxiety? It's a sense of, oh, do I need to listen to this thing or do I need to ignore this thing? Is this thing leading me astray or is it leading me to something that is actually important and needs my attention? The truth is your anxiety needs your attention too. It needs your care. It needs your reassurance. But what we really wanna do is be able to separate out the experience of anxiety from the content of anxiety. So we want to listen to our anxious parts, but not take what they're telling us as fact and as something that we absolutely need to act on in terms of whatever the the catastrophic story might be, whatever the fear messaging is, again, we sort of want to park that to one side and turn towards the anxiety. Again, it's almost like a little kid. If they were saying, like, I'm convinced there's monsters in my closet.
[00:17:30]:
You're not gonna take that and go, Oh my god. There's monsters in the closet, and join them in the chaos. You'd comfort them and you'd say, Oh, that must be so scary. Tell me more about it. And you'd really be a calm soothing presence so that a child could co regulate with you and come back to some safety and not be so frightened anymore. That's exactly how we want to be relating to our anxious parts rather than, you know, either joining them in the chaos and just letting them drive the bus or completely dismissing them and telling them to shut up. Right? So don't ignore your anxiety. Actually turn towards your anxiety.
[00:18:06]:
Offer it comfort and reassurance, but don't take the content of your anxious thoughts, fears, stories as fact that you then need to act on right away because there's a good chance that there's some creativity in there. And our anxious brain, in its fierce efforts to keep us safe, will always offer up a platter of everything that could possibly go wrong and try and warn us about that. And while that's, you know, really protective in some ways, it also can lead us to be in a heightened stress state all the time. And so it's almost like we've got these goggles on, and we're perceiving everything and everyone and every interaction from this state of something really bad's gonna happen. And that's a really challenging way to be in relationships because it leads us to be on high alert all the time, and it actually robs us of the joy of presence and connection because there's no presence in anxiety. Anxiety is all about, you know, replaying scary things from the past and preempting scary things that could happen in the future. Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful in teasing out some of these concepts around anxiety and intuition and reframing those questions so that you have a little more clarity and guidance on what to do when you notice these things coming up.
[00:19:21]:
How do I relate to the stories that I'm telling myself? How do I relate to what I'm perceiving? You know, what needs my attention? Where do I focus? What do I need to act on and what do I need to maybe not act on? Hopefully you've got a little bit more clarity around all of that so that you can feel more grounded and ultimately more self trusting in your ability to handle these situations if and when they arise. I think that's such a big piece for for people with anxious attachment in particular is actually building that self trust and going, like, it's okay. I don't need to live in fear of my own anxiety or my own thoughts because I have the tools and the capacity to deal with them. Right? To know what to do, to actually hold myself in a centered, grounded place rather than feeling like I'm at the mercy of my fear that's going to grab the wheel and drive me off a cliff all the time. Okay? So really hope that that was helpful. If you enjoyed this episode, always so grateful for those who leave a rating or a review if you're listening. If you're watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. That is a huge help for me.Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:35]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, anxiety, intuition, insecurity, healthy relationships, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, disorganized attachment, hypervigilance, sensitivity, anxiety spiral, conflict cycles, self worth, Secure Self Challenge, nervous system, self compassion, self care, self regulation, self respect, self trust, self validation, anxiety vs intuition, nervous system regulation, intuition vs anxiety, self reassurance, anxiety in relationships, relationship coach, anxiety response, self protection, stressful environments
#173: How to Rebuild Self-Worth After a Break-Up
In today's episode, we're talking about how to rebuild self-worth after a break-up. It's so common, particularly for anxious attachers, to emerge after a break-up feeling incredibly uncertain and lacking in self-worth. We become acutely aware of the extent to which we lost ourselves in the relationship, but often don't know where or how to begin reconnecting with who we are.
In today's episode, we're talking about how to rebuild self-worth after a break-up. It's so common, particularly for anxious attachers, to emerge after a break-up feeling incredibly uncertain and lacking in self-worth. We become acutely aware of the extent to which we lost ourselves in the relationship, but often don't know where or how to begin reconnecting with who we are.
We'll talk about:
Why it's so common for self-worth to be damaged after a break-up
Self-abandonment and self-loss when relationships are under strain
Deciding to go all in on yourself
Practical tips for rebuilding self-worth and reconnecting to your authenticity
Rebuilding Self-Worth After a Break-Up
Break-ups can be incredibly challenging, particularly when they're unexpected or prolonged. These emotional upheavals often leave us feeling battered, questioning our value and self-worth. But every ending also heralds a potential new beginning. Despite the pain and heartache, a break-up offers an invaluable opportunity for introspection, growth, and the rebuilding of our self-worth.
Understanding the Impact of Break-Ups on Self-Worth
When a relationship ends, especially one where we felt deeply invested, it's natural to feel a jarring sense of loss. For those with an anxious attachment style, this period can manifest as an overwhelming void. You've likely spent considerable time and energy focusing primarily on your partner, perhaps to the detriment of your own needs and well-being. This can leave you questioning yourself and feeling unmoored when that central focus disappears.
During the final stages of a strained relationship, it’s common to experience feelings of self-abandonment. You might have ignored your own needs or compromised your boundaries in a desperate bid to salvage the relationship. When these efforts fail, it's not just the relationship that ends but also the illusion that you could control the outcome by sheer force of will. This perceived failure can severely dent your self-worth, making the post-break-up period particularly harrowing.
Embracing the Opportunity for Change
While it's essential to honour the grieving process, it’s equally important to recognise the break-up as a catalyst for positive change. Here lies the chance to reflect, rebuild, and redirect energy towards self-growth. The intentional approach to this transformation is key—using the pain as fuel for growth and evolution rather than allowing it to anchor you in despair.
Prioritising self-care is a foundational step in this process. It's about more than just surface-level indulgences; it’s about nurturing your body and mind. Engage in activities that promote physical and mental well-being. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and ample sleep are simple yet effective ways to support your body through this transition. By nurturing yourself, you lay a strong foundation for rebuilding your self-worth.
Testing the Edges of Your Comfort Zone
Growing stronger often means stepping outside of your comfort zone. Engaging in activities that challenge you can be incredibly empowering. Whether it’s trying a new hobby, learning a new skill, or tackling a project that pushes your boundaries, these experiences build resilience and self-efficacy. The challenge is not to avoid discomfort but to embrace it, knowing that it will ultimately broaden your horizons and reinforce your belief in your capabilities.
The process of facing and overcoming challenges provides invaluable evidence of your competence. This first-hand experience is vital for cultivating self-trust. When you actively engage in pursuits that test your limits, you demonstrate to yourself that you are capable and resilient, which in turn, bolsters your self-worth.
Re-Evaluating Relationships and Behaviours
Part of rebuilding self-worth involves a critical examination of your current habits, relationships, and behaviours. Identify the patterns and influences that detrimentally impact your self-esteem. This might include certain friendships, environments, or personal habits that leave you feeling less than your best.
It’s crucial to establish boundaries and practice saying no to situations and people that do not serve your well-being. This might mean distancing yourself from relationships that are consistently draining or harmful. Taking responsibility for these choices is paramount. It’s about acknowledging your role in maintaining a status quo that undermines your self-worth and deciding to make changes that align with the person you aspire to be.
Building Self-Worth Through Self-Responsibility and Integrity
While self-compassion is essential, it must be balanced with radical self-responsibility. This means recognising where your actions and choices contribute to your current state and making a conscious effort to change them. Write down your values and the person you want to be, and identify the areas in your life that are out of alignment with these ideals. This honest self-assessment is a powerful tool for personal growth.
Maintaining integrity with yourself reinforces self-respect and self-worth. When you consistently act in ways that align with your values, you create a positive feedback loop that strengthens your sense of self. This process is not merely about avoiding behaviours that harm your self-esteem but actively engaging in practices that affirm your worth.
Conclusion: Embrace Your Journey
Navigating life after a break-up is undoubtedly challenging, but it is also ripe with potential for rebirth and self-discovery. By nurturing your physical and mental well-being, seeking out new challenges, and critically evaluating your relationships and habits, you can rebuild a sense of self-worth that is robust and resilient. Remember, this journey is about becoming the best, most authentic version of yourself, and gifting yourself the love and commitment that you deserve.
This season of rebuilding is about more than just recovering from a break-up; it’s about reclaiming your life, your values, and your sense of self. Embrace it fully, and watch as new possibilities unfold.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you experienced a loss of self-worth after a breakup. How did it manifest in your daily life and interactions with others?
Steph mentioned the importance of embracing the grieving process and evolving through it. What are some ways you can honour and embrace your own grief after a breakup?
In the episode, it was discussed that anxious attachment can lead to self-abandonment in relationships. How often do you find yourself prioritising your partner’s needs over your own, and what are the consequences for your self-worth?
Think about a challenging period in a past relationship where you felt powerless. What actions, if any, did you take to try and regain control, and how did they affect your sense of self?
Reflect on Steph’s advice about seeking challenging experiences to rebuild self-worth. What is one challenge that feels edgy yet exciting to you, and how can you take a step towards it this week?
Consider the concept of "ruthlessly culling" things that erode self-worth. What are three behaviours, stories, or relationships that negatively impact your self-esteem, and how can you start addressing them?
Steph talks about recognising the turning point where you can choose to rebuild yourself after a breakup. Have you reached similar turning points in your life, and what decisions did you make during those times?
Reflect on your current relationships, romantic or otherwise. Are there areas where you feel you have abandoned yourself? How can you redirect focus towards your own well-being and integrity?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to rebuild your self worth after a breakup. So this is something that I'm sure I've touched on before on the podcast. Gosh, we're almost at 200 episodes, so inevitably I've touched on this before on the podcast, but it's one that I get asked about a lot.
[00:00:50]:
And understandably so, I think for a lot of people, endings to relationships, and particularly when those endings were unwanted, and maybe the relationship died a long and painful death, we can really easily lose ourselves in that process of trying to hold on to someone else. And I think that can leave us feeling really empty handed and a little bit worn down in terms of our self worth. And so while the grieving process after a breakup is something that I really believe in honouring and actually embracing rather than trying to bypass or avoid. I also think that breakups are a really beautiful opportunity to evolve, and to reflect, and to rebuild ourselves. With the benefit of everything that we've learned and experienced, And that's really how we grow, and I think it's only when we approach that with a level of intentionality that we're able to use our breakup for our own good and really emerge better than ever before. So in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing some thoughts specifically around self worth, you know, why breakups and unhealthy relationships can be damaging to our self worth, what that can look like in the breakup period, and my best advice for how you can turn things around if you're feeling really down in the dumps, you're feeling really sorry for yourself, you're feeling really powerless and helpless, all of which are pretty common and very human experiences after a breakup, How you can draw a line in the sand and be really clear and decisive for yourself around what this period is going to be, and what you're going to dedicate this next chapter in your life to, and how you can really use all of that, everything you've experienced as fuel for growth and evolution rather than just as something to weigh you down. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:02:49]:
I made a snap judgment a couple of days ago to relaunch my Secure Self Challenge in a couple of weeks' time, which I'm really excited about. For those who are relatively new here or maybe need a refresher, the Secure Self Challenge is a 28 day challenge that I've run a couple of times now, and it's a really, really beautiful way to join in community with others while spending 4 weeks focused on building your self worth. So very much in keeping with today's theme, and certainly if you are in that space of just having been through a breakup and you're wanting to do something for yourself, this would be a great option. Although it's not breakup specific. Each week of the challenge has a different theme around the pillars of self worth, and it's designed to be really doable. It's not very content heavy. You get a short audio lesson each week, a guided meditation, and either a homework challenge or a written thing, and there's a community space where everyone can come together and reflect and share and grow. So it's always been a really great vibe.
[00:03:50]:
It's always been very light and fun and supportive, and everyone gets really involved. So if that sounds of interest to you, definitely check it out. I've linked it in the show notes, or you can head straight to my website. We've already had about 30 people sign up in the last 24 hours since I announced that I was going to run it again, so it's already looking like it'll be a great group, And I'd love to have you there if you're interested in spending a few weeks with me building self worth. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around self worth and how to rebuild after a breakup. So as I alluded to in the introduction, it's really, really common, particularly if you're someone with anxious attachment, towards the end of a relationship, when a relationship is maybe on its last legs, that you will experience a loss of self. If you haven't prior to that, I've spoken many times before about the broader tendency among people with anxious attachment to experience self abandonment and self loss in relationships, which is often coming from a place of being so overly focused on the other person, getting them to love us, choose us.
[00:04:58]:
In the process of that, we maybe downplay our own needs or feelings. We think that that's less important or maybe in some way will threaten the connection, and so we just try and switch it all off. All of those things contribute to this gradual degradation in our self relationship. And towards the end of a relationship, if things are feeling really hard and strained and rocky and challenging, that tends to only be accentuated, that self loss, because the more threatened the relationship feels, the more someone with anxious attachment is going to dial up their efforts, and be ever more focused on the other person, the relationship, trying to make it work, but that can often look like clinging, gripping so tight, thinking about the relationship constantly, overanalyzing everything, strategizing, doing every possible thing in your power to try and salvage what feels like a sinking ship. And of course that's so stressful and exhausting and relentless, but it feels like you don't have a choice. Right? What else are you meant to do? And it can feel really powerless to be in that position, particularly if the person on the other side isn't really coming to the table, and so you feel like you are solely carrying the burden of trying to salvage something, and particularly when that means so much to you, and so much of your sense of identity and your sense of safety is bound up in being in that relationship, obviously the stakes feel incredibly high. So with that as the backdrop, it makes a lot of sense that we would become less focused on ourselves, and maybe be in a space where we're really devaluing ourselves, both directly and indirectly. We might be really feeling self critical and blaming ourselves for whatever is going on in the relationship, but I think we can also indirectly be devaluing ourselves by the way that we're showing up.
[00:06:51]:
We tend to show up in a way that is quite victim and helpless and begging and pleading, and all of that is not being grounded in this sense of maturity and really knowing our worth and our value. So if that's something that resonates with you and you can relate to it, know that you're not alone. That's very common. I've certainly been there, and it's not a nice energy to be in. And of course, if that all of that efforting that you've been doing still leads to the relationship endings, or despite your best efforts, the relationship does end. The other person maybe says this is too much. I can't do this anymore. Of course, on top of all of that pain that you'll be feeling, there's this sense of failure that, like, I abandoned myself and I tried to be so easy and so lovable and so perfect, and I put so much of myself into that mission, and it still wasn't enough.
[00:07:47]:
Right? And the part of us that feels unworthy and unlovable, that's so tender to feel like no matter how hard we try, we did everything for this person and this relationship, and they still left us. So of course, that's going to really touch into those wounds that so many of us carry around abandonment and unworthiness. And so with that as the setting to a breakup and your emotional landscape coming into a breakup, of course you're going to be feeling really, really low much of the time after a breakup. And I've spoken before on the podcast about how for anxiously attached people, there's this added element of feeling really, almost frantic in not having something to do with all of that energy that you're accustomed to expending on the relationship. So if you're used to frantically orbiting around someone else and obsessing about them and thinking about them and strategizing, even if it's from this kind of fixing place or an unhappy, unsatisfied place in the relationship, maybe you're complaining all the time. Having that taken away, you've got nothing to swirl around anymore, and you're left in this void that can feel deeply uncomfortable. And so, in that space, you might become acutely aware of the emptiness that is the rest of your life. In the sense that if you've abandoned yourself, your authenticity, your other relationships, your hobbies, all of these things that can fall by the wayside a bit when we're really laser focused on our relationship to the exclusion of all else, particularly if we've isolated ourselves a bit towards the end of a relationship, which again can happen, particularly if the relationship is pretty dysfunctional and maybe there's an element of shame around that.
[00:09:33]:
And so we don't really want to be in the company of other people because we don't really want to be honest about how bad things are because we're so hell bent on salvaging things. And so it just feels easier to cut ourselves off from other people. Again, I've been there, I get it. And so we can look around and go, Wow, there's not much happening here. I've really lost myself. And I think that's, if you're there or you've been there, that's like a turning point. There's a decision point there. And I think from there we can go, I'm such a failure.
[00:10:04]:
I'm such a loser. No one's ever gonna love me. Look at my life. There's nothing going on. What's wrong with me? AKA we can collapse into shame there, or we can look around and go, I'm not going to let this happen again, and this is not me. This is not the me that I want to be showing up as, and I'm going to look around me right now and take this as a really valuable lesson of what happens when the parts of me that carry those wounds around feeling unworthy, feeling not good enough, feeling unlovable, when those parts are in the driver's seat in my relationship, this is where it takes me. And I really want to give myself the gift of more than this, because that feeling of powerlessness is not a nice one. Again, I say this having been there, feeling like someone else gets to determine how you feel about yourself is a really vulnerable place to be, and not the good kind of vulnerability.
[00:11:05]:
Vulnerable in the sense of really powerless and lacking in agency. So at this decision point, I really want you to stop and make that decision. If you are really committed to going all in on yourself, that's the point at which you have to say, like, enough is enough. And decide that you are going to gift yourself a season in which you will be totally devoted to rebuilding your sense of self and to becoming the best version of you, the most fully expressed version of you. And that's going to require honesty, it's going to require self discipline, it's going to require that you lead from your more mature, grounded self who really trusts that there is more for you than what you've been living, and not the parts of you that are wounded. Right? And again, we're not doing that from a place of making those parts of us that are wounded and tender and vulnerable and fragile not making those parts wrong or trying to get rid of them, but rather giving them the comfort of saying it's okay, I know that this has been really hard, we're going to try something different now, and you can trust me. Right? That's the sort of inner relationship we want to be cultivating always, and particularly in more fragile seasons. So in terms of the practicalities, if you're at this decision tree point and you feel inspired to say, enough, right? I'm not going to let this person, my ex, or whoever, determine how I feel about myself, and let them be the arbiter of my worth.
[00:12:40]:
Some of the things that I have found myself and, you know, clients and students to be really, really helpful in this period of rebuilding, as follows. So I'm going to share a few. The first is to really dial up your self care. And I mean this in the sense of nurturing the things that give you a sense of vitality and aliveness and well-being. Right? So not self care necessarily in the sense of glossy magazines, needing it to look a certain way, but in this sense of how can I allow myself to feel in my body, in my being, as good as possible? And it seems a bit obvious, but oftentimes we don't do that, and there's some part of us that wants to put a ceiling on how good we get to feel. And so if you have been cutting corners on your well-being, again, that can happen. There's all of those stereotypes after a breakup of just eating ice cream on the couch in your pajamas for weeks on end. If that's where you've been at and you're ready to turn a page and kick yourself into gear, I think it's really, really beneficial to start doing things that support you to feel good in your body.
[00:13:54]:
So exercising, getting outside a lot, eating well, lots of fresh air, lots of sunlight, all of this stuff that is not rocket science, but it's easy to deprioritize when we're maybe not feeling great. It's one of those things where you don't have the motivation to do that because you're feeling lethargic and heavy and weighed down by everything, but that is what's going to be the thing that clears your system. So you actually have to take action before you necessarily feel inspired or motivated to. Another big one that I always encourage people to do is do something that feels challenging to you. So something that allows you to test the edges of your comfort zone and experience your own efficacy. So, so much of the time when we are feeling powerless, helpless, afraid, anxious, it's because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle whatever life throws at us. And so, so much of my work could be distilled down to this thing of like, How can I build my capacity to be with whatever life throws at me? This is something that we look at a lot in the Secure Self Challenge. It's not about ensuring that life goes exactly to plan, it's being big enough and strong enough and resilient enough that I can trust in the flow of life.
[00:15:12]:
And the more I am exposed to and deliberately seek out opportunities to experience challenge and have this embodied evidence of my capability, my competency, my efficacy, all of those things really allow our body, our system, our mind in a very integrated way to know I can experience discomfort and actually come out better for it. And if you have evidence of that, an embodied experience of that, life stops feeling so overwhelming and so scary, and you actually don't have to live in this constant state of trying to prevent anything bad from ever happening because you trust that you can handle it if it does. And it will, right? Life is a series of obstacles and ebbing and flowing, and the more we are resisting the ebb, the more we rob ourselves of the joy and presence of being in flow. And so I think the more we can surrender to all of it, and have that in an environment of self trust and knowing that we'll have our own back, then we are freed up to actually be present and enjoy our lives, which is of course what we all want. So really testing ourselves and developing more trust in our capacity to do hard things and do them well, and do them with dignity and grace and self belief is a very very powerful thing to do. At any time of life, particularly when you've been through something hard and your self worth is feeling a bit rocky, seeking out challenging experiences is a really, really powerful way to do that. And that can look different for everyone. But think of what's something that feels edgy and uncomfortable and pushing the edges of my comfort zone in a way that maybe excites me a little bit.
[00:17:00]:
That's always a good thread to follow because I think it can show us deeper yearnings within us that maybe we've held ourselves back from because we don't believe we could. And proving that story wrong is a very very powerful way to build self worth. Okay. And the last tip that I want to give you in rebuilding self worth is you need to ruthlessly cull all of the things that you do that detrimentally impact your self worth. Now, that includes the stories you tell yourself, that includes the behaviors you engage in, maybe the people you spend time with, all of these things that drag you down and leave you feeling less than and bad about yourself and maybe ashamed of how you show up, if there are certain groups of people that consistently, when you're around them, you behave in a way that you don't actually like yourself, you need to do something about that. Don't just continue doing the things that reliably lead you to not like yourself, and expect that suddenly something's going to be different. Right? If you are continuing to do repetitions of an exercise to build a muscle, and you don't want to be building that muscle, then something's got to give. Right? Something has to change.
[00:18:09]:
And part of building self worth is being honest and self responsible. As much as I emphasize self compassion, again this is something we talk about a lot in the Secure Self Challenge, as much as I emphasize self compassion, and I absolutely do, I think it is non negotiable in any journey of meaningful self growth, self compassion doesn't mean that we abrogate responsibility. I am a fierce advocate for taking very, very radical self responsibility around the ways that we are holding ourselves back and that we are participating in building a status quo for our lives that we do not like. So get really honest with yourself. Put down on a piece of paper, write down what your values are, the kind of person you want to be, how you want to show up, and all of the things that you have been doing, and see where the gaps are. You know, figuring out where I'm out of alignment, and getting really honest with myself about how my choices are impacting my internal sense of integrity. The more that you do that, and the more you take responsibility and this is things like boundaries, it's things like saying no, rather than saying yes because you're worried about what people think of you. All of these things, like giving into peer pressure, not wanting to rock the boat so just going along with things, all of that is just chipping away bit by bit at your internal sense of self and your sense of integrity and self worth and self respect and all of that stuff.
[00:19:31]:
So it's not just about actively building self worth, it's also about stopping all of the things that are eroding your self worth. And the more you have clarity on that full picture, the better able you're going to be to really actively dial this up and commit to this rebuilding in the next season of your life, if that's what you really want to devote it to. So I'm going to stop there. I hope that has been helpful and has given you some inspiration. As I said, I really believe that it is the absolute best thing that you can do for yourself if you are feeling a bit wobbly. And frankly, even if you haven't been through a breakup. If you're just feeling maybe you're in a relationship and you're feeling really powerless and at a loss, and it all feels a bit too hard, and you have got yourself stuck in this story loop that the other person gets to decide everything, and it's so unfair, and blah blah blah, you never treat me right. If you're feeling a bit stuck there, but you know you're not going to leave a relationship, I always think, and I use this a lot for myself, if ever I notice those kind of Victor Me, powerless stories coming up, it's like, just go all in on yourself.
[00:20:37]:
Like, where have I abandoned myself? Where am I not focusing on my own well-being to the fullest extent possible? And let that be your guiding light. Let that be your focus, your north star, your number one priority, and just watch as more things open up and more things become possible from that space. Because that space of victimhood, of feeling sorry for ourselves, of feeling defeated and worthless and all of that, It's a very contracted, collapsed energy, and not much grows there. So hope that's been helpful. If anyone is going through a break up or some other challenging period, I'm sending you lots of love. But also the absolute belief that you will emerge from this stronger than ever, and you will be wonderful. If you've enjoyed today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review or a rating on Apple or Spotify, or if you're watching on YouTube, like and subscribe to this video. All of that is super helpful and really supportive of the podcast and my work. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:45]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, self worth, breakup, grieving process, rebuild self worth, insecurity, thriving relationships, end of relationship, anxious attachment, self abandonment, holding on to someone else, coping with breakups, Secure Self Challenge, building self worth, community support, embracing growth, practical tools, podcast, self care, self discipline, coping mechanisms, emotional landscape, self compassion, self responsibility, individual growth, victimhood, identity in relationships, radical self responsibility, attachment styles