#179: Why You Struggle With Self-Trust
Self-trust is something we all want, but many of us struggle to build it. If you find yourself second-guessing your decisions, over-preparing for worst-case scenarios, or feeling like you can't rely on yourself, you're not alone.
In this episode, we’re unpacking why self-trust is so challenging, especially for those with anxious attachment, and how to shift your focus to build a strong foundation of inner security.
What We Cover in This Episode:
Why anxiety craves control — and how this undermines self-trust
The inverse relationship between trust and control
How trying to prevent bad things from happening leads to self-blame
A powerful reframe: self-trust isn’t about making the "right" decision, but making decisions in alignment with your values
The biggest ways we unknowingly damage self-trust
Why building self-trust is essential for healing anxious attachment
Self-trust isn’t about getting everything right or ensuring a perfect outcome, but about showing up with integrity and knowing you have your own back.
Cultivating Self-Trust: A Path to Resilience and Authentic Living
In a world that often demands us to look outward for validation and guidance, the journey towards developing self-trust can be transformative. Self-trust not only shapes our personal sense of security but also profoundly influences how we navigate relationships. It serves as an internal anchor, allowing us to face life’s uncertainties with grace and dignity. Yet, for many, self-trust remains elusive, tangled with misconceptions about control and outcomes. Understanding the essence of self-trust can liberate us from the clutches of anxiety and help us lead more genuine, resilient lives.
The Misconception of Control
A common barrier to self-trust is the misunderstanding of control. Anxiety, particularly in those with anxious attachment, feeds on the illusion that controlling every aspect of our lives can shield us from pain or disappointment. This belief often manifests in an urge to preempt and prepare for every possible negative scenario, driven by the fear of being blindsided. However, this mindset can become a trap, as it places undue responsibility on us to prevent outcomes beyond our control.
True self-trust invites us to shift our focus from controlling external situations to cultivating a sense of internal stability. By recognising that we can only manage our own actions and reactions, we can release ourselves from the unrealistic expectation that we must shield ourselves from every conceivable mishap. This shift in perspective not only eases anxiety but also builds genuine resilience, rooted in the confidence that we can handle whatever life throws our way.
The Role of Integrity in Self-Trust
At the heart of self-trust is integrity. It’s about making decisions that align with our values and from a place of honesty and authenticity. Often, self-trust is mistaken as the ability to make decisions that result in the desired outcomes. However, this outcome-based view can be misleading. Instead, self-trust is about knowing that we have made the best possible choice given our understanding and values at that moment. It requires us to be comfortable with our decisions, even if the results aren't what we hoped for.
Living with integrity means acting consistently with our true selves, even when it’s difficult. It involves being clear about who we are, what we value, and ensuring that our actions reflect these truths. When we act from this place of internal alignment, we reinforce our self-trust and release the need to micromanage external circumstances. This liberates us from the burden of unrealistic expectations and empowers us to engage with life more freely and authentically.
Building Self-Trust: Honesty and Reliability
Just as trust in relationships is built through honesty and consistency, self-trust develops through our ability to be dependable for ourselves. It is crucial to reflect on whether we are honest with ourselves and follow through on our commitments. Breaking promises to ourselves or prioritising external validation over inner authenticity undermines our trust in ourselves.
Living authentically requires clarity and a commitment to self-awareness. It involves understanding our emotions, needs, and boundaries and consistently honouring them in our actions. By doing so, we reinforce our self-reliance and cultivate a secure inner world that can support us through life’s challenges. The more we align our actions with our values, the more robust our self-trust becomes, enabling us to approach relationships from a place of wholeness rather than neediness.
The Path Forward: Authenticity Over Approval
Shifting the focus from securing external approval to cultivating deep self-connection is transformative. For those with anxious attachment tendencies, the journey towards self-trust often involves breaking the habit of orbiting around others’ needs and emotions. This doesn’t mean becoming indifferent to others, but rather centring one’s own needs and values as a priority.
Establishing healthy self-trust involves acknowledging and nurturing those parts of ourselves that we may have neglected. It’s about meeting our own needs for approval, validation, and love, and creating a foundation of self-worth that doesn’t rely on others. Through this process, we become better equipped to engage in relationships as equals, grounded in our own sense of self. This not only enhances our personal well-being but enriches our connections with others, providing a stable framework for healthier, more balanced interactions.
In conclusion, cultivating self-trust is a journey that invites us to redefine our relationship with control and outcomes. By embracing our inner integrity, practicing honesty and reliability, and prioritising authenticity over external approval, we lay the groundwork for a resilient and authentic life. Trusting ourselves to face life’s challenges with openness and courage can transform not only our sense of self but also our relationships with others.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your relationship with control and trust. Do you find yourself trying to control outcomes to feel safe? How does this impact your sense of self-trust?
Consider the concept of showing up with integrity and alignment with your values, as mentioned by Stephanie. How often do you truly honour this in your daily decisions and interactions?
Think about a time when you made a promise to yourself but didn't follow through. How did this affect your self-trust, and what did you learn from that experience?
Explore the idea of self-abandonment. Are there moments where you prioritise others' needs and approval over staying true to yourself? How does this pattern affect your internal self-trust?
Reflect on the idea of 'having your own back'. What does this mean to you? How can you cultivate a stronger sense of self-reliance and support for yourself?
How comfortable are you with uncertainty and surrendering control over things you cannot change? How does this relate to your experience of anxiety or fear of the unknown?
In what ways can you shift your perspective from focusing on external outcomes to emphasising how you show up in situations? How might this reframe impact your self-trust?
Think about your internal dialogue. Is it supporting the development of self-trust, or is it critical and undermining? What changes can you make to this internal conversation?
How do you currently define self-trust, and in what ways might this definition be limiting your ability to trust yourself deeply?
Considering the parallels between trust in relationships and self-trust, how can you apply principles of honesty and reliability in your relationship with yourself?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of why you struggle with self trust, which I think most people who, certainly who I work with, struggle with self trust to varying degrees. And what I've come to notice from speaking to literally thousands of people about self trust in various expressions, is that a lot of people fundamentally misunderstand how we build self trust, how we damage self trust, what it means to be trustworthy, and really the benefits of self trust which can't be overstated. I often say to people that one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is developing a deep self trust that allows us to feel like no matter what happens, we'll have our own back and we'll be able to hold ourselves through the inevitable ups and downs of life, and I think that's really what self trust affords us, is that sense of, I'm gonna be okay, and I don't actually have to brace for impact all the time, I don't have to try and preempt every single thing that could ever go wrong because I actually trust myself to ride the waves with dignity and grace and integrity, and the more that we can cultivate that energy, which to me is really the essence of true resilience and self trust, that is such a beautiful antidote to the anxiety that we might otherwise struggle with. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts today on why we struggle with self trust and what we can do to flip that around and to start really actively, not only changing the way we relate to and think about self trust, but some more concrete and practical tools and tips that you can put into practice straight away, around building self trust. And maybe stopping the things that without realizing it could be damaging your self trust.
[00:02:26]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder if you listened to last week's episode you would have heard me share that Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, turns three this weekend on the March 16, and to celebrate I am running a very very big once off, probably never to be repeated sale. It is only available to people who join the VIP list which is linked in the show notes. To put it bluntly, it is the lowest ever price and the most amount of value, most bonuses, everything, so there has literally never been a better time to join the course. And it is only going to be available for twenty four hours. So you are going to want to jump on that list if you're interested, and you're going to want to keep an eye on your inbox, because we won't be extending that deadline at all. It is really a great opportunity if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are curious about the program, you've no doubt heard me speak about it before, but if for whatever reason you haven't signed up in the past or it hasn't been a good time, this might be your little nudge from the universe. Almost 2,500 students have gone through the program, so it is very much tried and tested.
[00:03:36]:
If you go onto the website you'll be able to read countless testimonials and those are really just a small sample of the many more that I have received over the past three years. So I've poured everything that I know about anxious attachment and the path to healing into this program, and I would love for you to join us as part of this birthday celebration. So the link is in the show notes if you're keen to join that VIP list, and I would love to see you there. Okay, Let's talk about why you struggle with self trust. So, let's set the scene a little here. Anxiety loves control. Right? Our anxiety and our anxious parts tell us that if we can just control things, if we can create certainty, then we won't get hurt, we won't experience pain or discomfort, that if bad things do come to fruition, at least we will be prepared for them. If you are someone with anxious attachment or who otherwise struggles with anxiety, you might be listening to this and see a bit of yourself in that, the 'if I can rehearse the conversation in advance, then I'll be better prepared for it'.
[00:04:41]:
If I can play out this scenario, this worst case scenario, then it's almost like I give myself a taste of the emotional impact of it now, and so I won't be caught off guard, I won't be blindsided, I won't have that same degree of shock or surprise and have these feelings thrust onto me in a state of unpreparedness. I think our anxiety really really pushes back against anything that feels like we weren't prepared for something bad that happened or could happen, and so it just works overtime, all the time, to try and equip us with whatever we might be able to use in the event of something bad happening, and of course, a lot of those resources go to trying to prevent something bad from happening, which we see play out in our relationships where we are constantly working to prevent disconnection, or you know, at the first crack, the first hole in the boat, we frantically try and cover it over and repair things, and make sure that we're always in that fixing mode, because we don't want things to get worse, because that is really our worst case scenario in so many ways, is for the relationship to unravel. So with that as the backdrop and recognizing that there's this inverse relationship between trust and control, that the less we trust, the more we try to control, and that while we can do all of that controlling stuff, we are actually placing our effort somewhere where it is not really useful, in that we can't control the future, we can't control what other people do. There is only so much that's within our ambit of control, and yet when we convince ourselves that we have control over all these things that we don't actually have control over, then we often feel like we failed or done something wrong if those things don't go to plan. So if someone behaves in a way that we were hoping they wouldn't, and we were trying to stop them from behaving in a certain way, if someone hurts us or lies to us or betrays us, because we were trying so hard to make sure that they didn't do that, then we put ourselves somehow in this seat of blame and go well clearly I did something wrong or I can't be trusted, even though it was them who did it and it was never within our control to stop them from doing that. When we have this really narrow, rigid framework of like, it is my responsibility to prevent bad things from happening, then if a bad thing happens, I must have done something wrong. And so this is where it brings me to the crux of what I want you to take away from today's episode. And it's a lesson that, you know, if you've been in my programs, you might have heard me say this before.
[00:07:12]:
Self trust is not about making the right decision in the sense of the decision that leads to the outcome that I was hoping for. The right decision is the one where you control the inputs, and the inputs are, I'm making this decision based on my values from a place of integrity, knowing what I currently know about what I need and where I'm at and what I'm feeling and what I'm hoping for. But really, I can only control a very limited sphere of influence there. I can control my part of things. I can control the things that are in my court. And all I can really do is be comfortable with how I show up, and that I am doing that from a place of internal alignment, and then I have to hand it over to the universe. Like, I can only control so much. It's out of my hands.
[00:08:00]:
I can only control how I show up. I can't control how something is received by other people. I can't control what happens in the future. I can't control someone else's choices or behaviors. I can't control how people feel about me. I can only control how I show up. So shifting your focus from trying to control all of those things that are outside of your sphere of responsibility, and actually just going like, okay, if my responsibility is just to show up and make decisions from a place that is in integrity, in alignment with my values, that I can hand on heart say, I'm comfortable with how I conducted myself, like I couldn't have done any more, I truly did my best', what more could you ever expect of yourself, right? That's it. That's your only job.
[00:08:46]:
And I think that while that might be uncomfortable for some people in that you're so accustomed to trying to control outcomes, and ones that have other inputs and variables that are outside of your control, there is something incredibly liberating about actually just going like, oh, all of that stuff's not mine, that was never mine!' And really, my only job here is to focus on me, to be the kind of person that I want to be and that I'm comfortable with being, and to do my best with what I've got available to me in the moment and at the time. And that doesn't mean I'll never make mistakes, but I'm not going to be shaming and blaming myself for making those mistakes when I know that I truly did my best and that I led from integrity and from honesty and authenticity, right? Those things don't tend to lead us astray, and I think that the more we can get comfortable with living and deciding and acting from that place, that really centered, grounded, self knowing place, we naturally develop self trust and we naturally release the grip on trying to control the other stuff because that becomes, less important to our self image and our sense of safety to try and do all of that. The other really key piece to all of this is the ways that we damage self trust, and this is one that you will have heard me speak about certainly if you're in my Secure Self Challenge or you've done that before, But it's amazing to me how readily we overlook the parallels between trust in a relationship and self trust. So in a relationship, I think we all know that trust is built through honesty, and reliability, dependability, follow through, someone really being there for you, and you knowing that, like, if I need you, you'll be there, that you'll have my back, that you're honest with me, that I can depend on you. All of that stuff is really, really powerful in building trust. And the flip side of that is obviously, if you say one thing then do another, if you're really inconsistent, if you're flaky, if you aren't living in alignment with your values, if there's this big gap between what you say is important to you and then the way you behave, if I sense that I can't really feel into who you authentically are, it's very hard for me to trust you. And I think all of that is relatively straightforward and intuitive when it comes to relationships. Of course the implementation of that can be challenging for some of us some of the time.
[00:11:13]:
But all of that is true when it comes to self trust. Like, every element that I just laid out is absolutely essential in your relationship of self trust. So, am I honest with myself? Do I live authentically? Is it really clear who I am? What I believe in? What I value? What I think? What I feel? Do I live in a way that is congruent? Or am I putting on different performances and sort of flip flopping and shape shifting depending on who I'm with, and just not really having a clear internal anchor and sense of who I am. Do I make promises to myself that I don't follow through on, that I don't keep? Do I not have my own back? Do I self abandon? Do I prioritise things like getting someone's approval or fitting in over being really authentic and true to myself? All of those things are chipping away at your self trust every single time, because they essentially say 'I cannot count on my own integrity and dependability.' Right? 'I do not have my own back.' And when you don't have your own back, then you will not trust yourself to make good decisions, to lead from that place of integrity, as I was just talking about before. So all of this starts to feed into this internal experience of not having a strong, robust foundation at your core. And if you lack that, it's going to be really, really hard to have any sort of self trust. And if you're someone with anxious attachment, it's very common for you to be very other oriented. You're always focusing on the other person and what they think and they need and they want and how they're feeling, you tend to orbit around them rather than being really connected to yourself.
[00:12:55]:
That's why such a big part of the work in healing from anxious attachment patterns is coming home to yourself and laying those foundations of self worth, self trust, self respect, self esteem, because that tends to be where the deficit is for people with anxious attachment. And that's why it is so transformative to do that work that has that self emphasis, because you come to relationships on a level footing rather than being really lacking in who you are and trying to fill that void with, you know, people and feelings and connection, but it feels like a bottomless pit and you can never have enough because you're usually using that to compensate for this deep sense of self loss and self abandonment that really it has to start with you. It has to start from you tending to those parts of yourself that you have left behind, and becoming the the wise, mature adult self that maybe you never had, but having that deep sense of capability and self trust and having your own back that's really at the absolute heart of the healing journey for people with anxious attachment. Okay, I'm I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's given you a bit of a reframe on self trust, on why you struggle with it, maybe that you're thinking about it in the wrong way, that you're too attached to self trust being something you earn by things going a certain way and controlling outcomes rather than being focused on how you show up as the input to the process and then surrendering to all of the things that you can't control. And also really focusing on maybe the things that you need to do more of and less of in terms of, like, the day to day in building and damaging self trust and and maybe being more aware now of the parallels between trust in a relationship with someone else and trust in your own internal relationship. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, definitely jump on the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachments third birthday sale if you're at all interested.
[00:14:51]:
If you see some of yourself in what I'm sharing today, this is really the crux of what we do over eight weeks together. It's very powerful work. It is tried and tested and I would love to see you there. Okay. Leave it there guys. Thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:15:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self trust, attachment, relationships, anxiety, integrity, anxious attachment, Healing Anxious Attachment, resilience, guidance, practical tools, insecurity, building relationships, self worth, self esteem, internal alignment, control, self abandon, authenticity, self respect, responsibility, proactive tools, healing journey, self knowing, dependability, self image, self loss, self emphasis, personal growth, vulnerability, self oriented.