Fearful avoidant attachment, sometimes called disorganised attachment, is one of the more complex and often misunderstood attachment patterns.
While it’s thought to represent a relatively small percentage of the population, many people deeply resonate with this pattern—either because they recognise it in themselves, or because they’re in relationship with someone who has fearful avoidant tendencies.
At its core, fearful avoidant attachment is marked by a painful inner conflict: a deep longing for closeness alongside a deep fear of it.
There is often a powerful push-pull dynamic at play. The attachment system says, “I need connection. I want to be close.” But the survival system says, “Closeness isn’t safe. I need to protect myself.”
That internal contradiction can create a lot of confusion, both for the person experiencing it and for the people who love them.
We might call ourselves “a bit perfectionistic,” or say we just have high standards. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to do things well or striving for excellence, perfectionism tends to run much deeper than that.
Nervous system regulation doesn’t have to become another overwhelming checklist. In this episode, I share a more human, low-lift approach to caring for your wellbeing—one rooted in protecting your energy, simplifying life where possible, and treating yourself as a precious resource. We explore why regulation is often less about doing more, and more about choosing ease, nourishment, and small everyday habits that help you feel resourced.
The first 30 days after a breakup can feel overwhelming, disorienting, and deeply painful—but they also hold the potential to become a powerful turning point. In this episode, Stephanie shares practical guidance for navigating heartbreak with intention, from self-care and no-contact boundaries to rebuilding your identity and creating the foundation for genuine healing.
If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling over a relationship, asking “Is this just my anxious attachment… or is something actually not okay here?”—you’re in very good company. This is one of the most common questions I hear from people with anxious attachment patterns. And it makes sense, because when you’re used to feeling insecure, overwhelmed, or unsure in relationships, it can be incredibly hard to tell what’s coming from you… and what’s actually about the dynamic you’re in. So let’s unpack it.
If you’ve spent any time learning about attachment styles—whether that’s through books, TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram—you’ve probably come across a piece of advice that sounds something like this: “If you’re anxiously attached, just avoid avoidant people. On the surface, it makes sense. If you’ve been hurt in an anxious–avoidant dynamic before, of course you’d want to protect yourself from repeating that experience. But here’s the thing: I don’t give that advice. Let’s unpack why.
#244: I Healed My Anxious Attachment… So Why Don’t I Want a Relationship Anymore? (Ask Steph)
When we think about “dependency” in relationships, it often carries a negative connotation. We imagine clinginess, neediness, or losing ourselves in someone else. But what if dependency—done well—is actually essential for healthy relationships? In a recent conversation with therapist and bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwab (inspired by her new book The Balancing Act), we explored what it really looks like to move out of relational extremes—like codependency or hyper-independence—and into something far more sustainable: Healthy interdependence. Let’s break down what that actually means—and how to start cultivating it.
Modern dating can feel… a lot. Between dating apps, ghosting, endless swiping, and trying to build connection with people you barely know, it’s not exactly an environment that naturally supports emotional safety or security. In many ways, modern dating is inherently attachment-unfriendly. But here’s the good news: while you can’t control the dating landscape, you can control how you show up within it. And that makes all the difference. This post is all about how to upgrade your dating mindset so you can move from a place of scarcity, pessimism, or defeat… into one of self-worth, clarity, and agency.
If you’ve ever struggled with anxious attachment, you probably know how exhausting it can feel. The constant overthinking, the hypervigilance around a partner’s behavior, the urge to fix things immediately when something feels off—it can feel like your nervous system is always on high alert. The truth is that healing anxious attachment is possible—but it helps enormously to understand what the path actually looks like. When you know where you’re going and why, the process becomes much more grounded and manageable. Here’s a clear roadmap for what that journey often involves.
In this post, I want to unpack how anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups differently — and most importantly, why comparing your grief to your ex’s is one of the fastest ways to deepen your suffering. Because yes, anxious and avoidant people often cope very differently. And no, that difference doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If you’ve spent any time in the world of personal growth or relationships lately, you’ve probably heard people talking about attachment theory. It’s everywhere — on social media, in therapy rooms, in dating conversations — and for good reason. It’s an incredibly helpful framework for understanding ourselves and the ways we show up in relationships. But with its growing popularity, attachment theory also gets misused, oversimplified, and sometimes treated as the only explanation for why we are the way we are. So today, I want to take it back to basics and talk about what attachment theory is actually designed to do — and just as importantly, what it isn’t.
Situationships have become an unfortunate hallmark of modern dating. They live in that murky middle ground — more than casual, but not quite a relationship. You might spend time together regularly. You might feel emotionally invested. It might even look like a relationship from the outside. But it never quite crosses the threshold into clarity, commitment, or mutual intention. And if you’ve ever found yourself stuck in one — or stuck in a pattern of them — you’ll know just how confusing, draining, and anxiety-provoking they can be. So let’s talk about how to end situationships once and for all — not just the one you might be in right now, but the cycle itself.
One of the most painful stories we can get stuck in after a relationship ends is this one: “If they really loved me, they would have changed.” This episode was prompted by a question I received on Instagram from someone who couldn’t stop replaying that exact thought about their ex. And if you’ve ever found yourself spiralling around why wouldn’t they change for me?, you’re far from alone. It’s a deeply convincing story — but it’s also one that quietly keeps us stuck in self-blame, unworthiness, and patterns of self-abandonment. Let’s unpack what’s really going on beneath it.
For many people who struggle with insecure attachment patterns, one of the hardest things isn’t just being in relationships—it’s knowing what a secure one is actually supposed to look and feel like. So in this post, I want to walk you through five key hallmarks of a secure relationship. This isn’t an exhaustive list—but these are qualities that consistently show up in relationships that feel steady, nourishing, and safe.
For people with anxious attachment patterns in particular, breakups can feel excruciating. Letting go of someone you love goes against everything your nervous system is wired to do. Your whole system screams hold on tighter, don’t let go, fix this at all costs. So today, I want to walk you through five common ways people unknowingly keep themselves stuck after a breakup—and what to do instead—so you can use this moment as a turning point rather than a repeat of old patterns.