#97 How a Fear of Abandonment Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're diving deep on the abandonment wound - a fear that lies at the heart of many insecure attachment patterns and relational dynamics. A fear of abandonment can show up in so many ways, and can keep us from experiencing relationships in a way that feels trusting, safe and secure.
In today's episode, we're diving deep on the abandonment wound - a fear that lies at the heart of many insecure attachment patterns and relational dynamics. A fear of abandonment can show up in so many ways, and can keep us from experiencing relationships in a way that feels trusting, safe and secure.
We'll cover:
how it feels to fear abandonment in your relationship
different forms of abandonment (physical, emotional)
relational behaviours that a fear of abandonment can lead to
the link between self-abandonment and a fear of abandonment
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:51.08
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about how a fear of abandonment impacts our relationships. So as I was preparing for this episode, and I put the call out on Instagram for people to submit topic ideas, and a few people submitted the topic of a fear of abandonment and varying questions around that.
0:00:51.21 → 0:01:33.99
And as I was reflecting, it's kind of wild that we're at episode 97. I think this is of the podcast and I've never done an episode specifically on the fear of abandonment. And the reason that that seems a little wild is because, as many of you would know, a fear of abandonment is really at the heart of a lot of anxious attachment patterns. And I know that anxious attachment is the experience of many of my listeners. So it's taken a while for us to get here to an episode exclusively on the fear of abandonment, even though we've touched on it in many different settings and many different conversations up until now.
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But I'm hoping that in today's episode we can delve into it a little more specifically, looking at how that fear manifests itself, what behaviours it might drive us to, and I suppose talking about less obvious aspects of the fear of abandonment. And for a lot of people, it can be kind of confusing that they might identify with this fear. Given that it would make more sense if we'd been literally abandoned as a child, then that'd be a pretty direct joining of the dots, right? But for most people, hopefully, that hasn't been your experience, and yet this fear can really be very, very intense and profound and can be a very, very strong driving force in your relational patterns. So we're going to be diving into all of that today before I do.
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Today is the last episode before doors close for this round of healing anxious attachment. So I think registration closes Sunday night, my time, so that's 48 hours from now thereabouts. If you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, as I said, I know many of you do and you're looking to make a change and get some support around that, I would really love to see you in the programme. As I've mentioned, I have a VIP offering this time round and that allows you to work directly with me in a small group setting over an eight week period. It's an online community, so you can connect with each other, which is really such a valuable aspect that I think a lot of people overlook having that connection and seeing that other people have the same embarrassing, neurotic thoughts that you do and do the same weird things.
0:03:20.38 → 0:03:58.59
There's a lot of shame that dissolves from having that community connection component. So whether you're interested in the course, in its classic version or the VIP programme with me, either way, I'd really encourage you to cheque it out if you're feeling the pull. As I said, this is the final call before registration closes, at least until later in the year. I'll likely run another round, I think, before the end of the year, but no solid plans yet, so best to jump in while you can. And you will have lifetime access to all the materials, so it's no big issue if you have a busy period coming up and you can't keep to an eight week programme or anything like that.
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Okay, let's dive into this conversation around the fear of abandonment. So, as I said in the introduction, a fear of abandonment is really at the heart of anxious attachment. We know that, right? And that fear is what, for many of us, drives us to really desire closeness and to really feel a lot of anxiety around distance separation or anything that might feel threatening to the primacy of the relationship. And the other person, when we're in relationship, becomes our safety blanket, they become our power source, they become our anchor, and that really exists outside of us.
0:04:38.50 → 0:05:27.08
I've mentioned before on the podcast, when talking about the origin story of anxious attachment, that a really common theme that emerges across a million different variations and contexts and nuance and family systems is inconsistency. So the anxiously attached child has an overall positive impression of connection and love, but they can't rely on it. So there's this sense of, it feels so good when we're connected, but I can't trust that you are going to be there when I need you. So when I call for you, there is some inconsistency or unreliability in your responsiveness to my cues. And because of that, the anxiously attached child becomes hyperactivated in their attempts at getting and keeping connection.
0:05:27.19 → 0:05:51.97
Because it's like, if I don't know whether you're going to come when I call, I don't want you to ever go. Because that exposes me to the risk that you will not be available to me when I need you. And that feels terrifying to me. Right? And we see that that pattern, which for most people is an origin story from childhood in one form or another, carries through to our adult relationships.
0:05:52.07 → 0:06:19.97
Right? So with a partner, it's not like I'm terrified of being alone, full stop. And I think that this is a really important distinction because in my experience, personally and working with a lot of people on this, it's not so much I'm scared of ever being by myself, I'm scared of spending time alone, of being in my own company. That's not it. I think that's an oversimplification and kind of misses the mark.
0:06:20.09 → 0:06:59.45
I think the fear of abandonment is more I'm scared that in a moment when I might need you, you won't be there for me. And so as a result, I would rather not take the risk of separation or distance when I feel like you are unreachable to me. Okay? So I think that related to that is this fear of emotional abandonment. And I think, again, as I spoke to in the start, it's not so much physical abandonment, literal abandonment in the sense of someone just upping and leaving although that can be a factor, right?
0:06:59.54 → 0:07:57.32
And a lot of people can fear someone breaking up with them in the relationship ending. But if you are in a more stable long term relationship and that doesn't seem like a risk, you don't have any sort of conscious fears that your partner is actually going to leave you. What you might experience is this sense of emotional abandonment. So when you feel like you are again reaching for someone and they are not there or they are shutting you out or there's some sort of unavailability in a moment of emotional need and feeling alone with your big emotions can feel very daunting. So it's this fear of what if I am either today or in the future, sad or lonely or afraid and I can't rely on you to soothe me in that and I can't rely on you to help me through that experience.
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And again, this links back to what I've spoken about many times before, which is that the anxious person tends to be overly reliant on their attachment figure. So that's usually a caregiver in childhood and a romantic partner later in life they tend to be overly reliant on that figure to do all of the soothing work, right, because they have typically an underdeveloped capacity for self soothing. And so there's this sense of if I have these big emotions and I don't believe in your reliability to be there for me and kind of rescue me almost from those experiences that feel so overwhelming to me, that's terrifying. And so whether that's a real or imagined scenario, whether that's present day or hypothetical future scenario, that can trigger a lot of stuff as well this sense of you're not going to be there when I need you and that is not okay, right? The last thing I'll say in sort of framing this issue is and it's in the same vein as what I was just saying around it's not so much the fear of being alone as it is the fear of letting go or disconnecting.
0:09:09.62 → 0:09:58.55
So I think that again, many people who I work with would identify with anxious attachment but they might have been on their own for a while, maybe they've been single for years. And what I'll often hear is people saying I'm quite happy with my life, right? I'm quite content in my life but as soon as I'm in relationship, all of my anxious stuff comes up and I get really afraid of losing the person and that drives me into all of these behaviours. And I think that the way I make sense of that is there is this fear of having to disconnect from a person, having to let go of a person, having to lose a person. That fear of loss and grief and decoupling ourselves from someone who we love and care about, that feels more like the fear than just the being alone.
0:09:58.71 → 0:10:38.45
So I think that it is that transition from connection to disconnection that really triggers the anxiously attached person. And again, that makes sense when we look at inconsistency as being part of that origin story blueprint that created these patterns within us in the first place. So I just wanted to set that up as framing our discussion, just drawing out some more nuanced takes on what we're really talking about with this fear of abandonment. And that might not be your experience. Maybe you do really directly and literally fear abandonment and maybe that has been your experience and that makes sense.
0:10:38.65 → 0:11:24.07
But I think for a lot of people it tends to be a bit more indirect than that or a bit less literal. And it is these senses of like, I fear emotional abandonment. I fear that you won't be there when I need you. I fear I cannot rely on you to take care of me, to respond to me, to be available to me, to even rescue me when I'm in distress. And when we have that kind of story and that feeling, that's a pretty good sign that we're carrying some burdens from childhood, because even as I say that, I'm scared that I'm going to be distressed and alone and you're not going to be there to save me, that's a very young kind of story.
0:11:24.14 → 0:11:53.40
That's a very childlike fear. And I don't mean that disparagingly. It's not saying you're being juvenile, but just recognising how that part of us might be a young part that's holding that fear and maybe doesn't realise that we are an adult and that we have more capacity than we once did to hold ourselves through that. Now, let's explore a few ways that this fear of abandonment can impact our relationships. There are lots of these, right?
0:11:53.42 → 0:12:49.39
There are a lot of tentacles, there are a lot of branches that come from this tree. But some of the ones that occurred to me while I was preparing for this episode were a desire to be chosen really fully and almost like, I want you to be obsessed with me. Because if you are so desperately in love with me and you think I'm the most incredible person in the world and you can't live without me, then you probably won't ever leave me. And that feels like I'm derisking on that fear because you think I am an indispensable part of your life. Whereas if you would be perfectly fine without me and you're just choosing me and it feels a little bit more balanced and less intense, then that might feel riskier that I'm going to lose you because you aren't as attached and dependent upon me as I might be to you.
0:12:49.51 → 0:13:08.46
Another way that it impacts us is this primacy of connection, right? And again I've spoken about this on the podcast a million times. For the anxiously attached person, connection is king. It is absolutely top rung. It is everything.
0:13:09.23 → 0:14:12.65
Prioritise and protect the relationship at all costs, that is the most important drive for us in creating safety for ourselves. If I can protect the relationship, I can protect myself. And we can see how that is related to this fear of abandonment because I don't trust that I would be okay if I had to deal with either you being in relationship with me but being emotionally absent or unreachable, or if you were to leave me or I were to leave you, the relationship were to end. I can't fathom having to let go of you and emotionally detach from you because that feels impossible. So this primacy of the connection and if I just nurture the connection above all else, if I drop everything in my life to make sure that you're okay and we're okay and you're happy and you love me and we don't fight and don't want to rock the boat and make sure there's no threat to our relationship, then that feels like the way that I'm protecting against all of those fears.
0:14:12.81 → 0:14:42.44
Related to this is the tendency to overstay in unhealthy dynamics. Now I have been guilty of this. I know that so many people that I work with, people I speak to on instagram, struggle with this a lot. The inability to let go, right? It's like I just will stay and stay and stay and keep trying and keep pushing and one more time and one more chance and just a little bit longer.
0:14:42.89 → 0:15:42.33
Because again that inability to let go, that the resistance to decoupling, to disentangling ourselves emotionally, physically from this person who we have attached so tightly to that can feel like nothing would be worth, that nothing could be so bad as to justify that. And so the bar has to be so high in order for us to feel like a relationship is worth walking away from. That is usually an absolute last resort. And while I'm all for putting in the work to make a relationship work and not being overly flighty as soon as things get hard, anxious, attaches. And as I said, I've been absolutely guilty of this in the past, can take this to extremes where it's patently unhealthy, not working, really not supporting your well being and is so far short of what you really desire for yourself in your life.
0:15:42.40 → 0:16:09.84
And if someone had said to you before you were in the relationship, here's what it's going to look like, what do you think? Do you want to go ahead, you probably would say absolutely not. But when you're in it and you're so far gone you just can't let go, you just want to hold on a little longer. And I think that is related to this fear of abandonment, among other things. The last thing that I wanted to raise is the self abandonment piece.
0:16:09.97 → 0:17:05.06
And again, this could be a whole episode, but self abandonment in the sense of suppressing needs, going with the flow, people pleasing, just do whatever the other person wants, fearing that to be difficult is to be unlovable, which will lead to someone not wanting us. Right. Relatedly in conflict, we might raise something that's concerning us and then very quickly back down because we are too uncomfortable with the conflict. And the conflict feels like a precursor to abandonment or a precursor to the relationship ending, which, as we've just discussed, feels very unsafe and nothing feels worth it. So whatever need we were voicing that felt very important at the moment we were voicing it, when it's pitted against the possibility of the relationship ending or feeling threatened, it very quickly dissolves and becomes unimportant relative to the importance of protecting the relationship.
0:17:05.37 → 0:17:45.44
Right. So I think that again, in an indirect way, that fear of abandonment is driving our patterns of self abandonment and deprioritizing all of our very valid and genuine needs in relationship in favour of just keeping the relationship going and intact. Okay? So I hope that that has been helpful as a bit of a deep dive into the fear of abandonment, how it can show up and some of the behaviours and patterns that it can drive in our relationship. As I said, if this resonates with you, please do cheque out healing anxious Attachment we go into all of this and so much more in a lot of detail.
0:17:45.57 → 0:18:07.89
There's eight modules, 10 hours of video, guided meditations, workbooks notes. It's very comprehensive and over a thousand students have completed the course and it's got absolutely rave reviews. So if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, I would love to see you in there. Enrollment is open for another couple of days. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me guys.
0:18:07.93 → 0:18:30.12
I hope you have a beautiful weekend and I will see you again soon. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:18:30.18 → 0:18:34.38
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#96 The Importance of Discomfort in Life & Relationships
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable. Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable.
Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
We’ll cover:
Why we tend to gravitate towards what is familiar and known
How embracing discomfort builds resilience
Physical protocols for exploring discomfort
Building our emotional capacity for discomfort
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my signature program, Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:42.96
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about discomfort, and specifically the importance of getting uncomfortable, of discomfort in building our capacity in life and in relationships.
0:00:43.15 → 0:01:48.54
So this is something that has been a really big part of my personal journey and it's also a key theme in the work that I do with clients and students, because I think that we are collectively really wired for comfort, probably as a baseline, as human beings, comfort equals familiarity, equals safety. So there's a strong tendency to cling to that which we know, which tends to be that which is known and comfortable. Right? But I think a huge part of building our capacity and growing lies in doing things that are new and are unknown and are uncertain and really stretching ourselves. And I think that the more we use comfort as our North Star almost, when we're just always choosing the comfortable thing, the known thing, the thing that provides us with a semblance of control and certainty, then we're always going to be getting more of what we've already got, which for a lot of us is not really what we want.
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We want a different experience, we want new patterns, new dynamics in our lives. We want to grow, we want to expand, we want to evolve. And yet oftentimes we still, consciously or not, cling to what is known and what is comfortable. And I think oftentimes that is at ODS with our desire to grow and evolve. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around this today.
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My own journey with embracing discomfort and the rewards that I've reaped from doing that and making that a practise. And how you might start to turn towards discomfort and use that as a way to build your own capacity and self trust and self respect, self worth, all of those other good things that I talk about a lot. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that registration for healing, anxious attachment is still open. The early bird period has closed now, but registration for the course is still open for another few days.
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And that includes the live programme, which you might have heard me mention, which is an upgrade from the classic course, which is a self paced course. The live programme includes an eight week container, working with me in a small group setting, 690 minutes live group coaching calls and an online community for you all to connect. Share your experiences as you go through the programme. And really build those relationships with other people who are in the same situation, same boat as you, which I think in itself, can be very healing. So if you are interested, you can head straight to my website and you should be able to find the sign up page relatively easily or we will link that in the show notes as well.
0:03:31.49 → 0:03:58.73
Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. This one was pulled from Spotify and it was thank you so much for this life changing podcast. The quality and depth of every subject is enlightening and really has helped me make fundamental changes in my life. Thanks, Greg, I really appreciate that and I'm glad to hear it. If you're listening to this, Greg, you can send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you for taking the time.
0:03:58.88 → 0:04:40.74
All right, so let's talk about discomfort and the role of discomfort in life and in relationships. So I think that for those of us, particularly who tend towards insecure attachment patterns, discomfort is something that we experience a lot of, probably, but also have a really visceral response against. So, because we don't have a level of trust within ourselves and in our capacity to navigate difficult things, as soon as we come up against discomfort, there can be a very strong urge to pull away. Right? And again, as I said in the introduction, there's a human element to this, right?
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We are survival driven beings and that is always going to be our primary drive, is to do the thing that is going to most aid or most increase the likelihood of our survival. Right. Our base systems of the body are not interested in enlightenment and self actualization, they're interested in survival. And so there can be a really strong reaction against things that feel threatening in some way. And when we can recognise that, things that are unknown are often going to feel unsafe because they are unfamiliar.
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And our nervous system is really primed to help us stay alive. And when it can't predict how something's going to go is your nervous system is essentially a predictive tool. It calls upon everything that you've ever experienced and seen and absorbed from the world around you and sort of philtres all of that and goes, okay, what do I have on this situation, these sensations in my body, this emotional experience, this relational dynamic, what information do I have on this? And it'll call on all of those things and make an assessment of how safe or dangerous the situation is and urge you to act accordingly. And so if something is new or unknown or unfamiliar or uncomfortable, then your body brain, nervous system is going to be saying, don't go there.
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That's no good. We don't know how to control that outcome, we don't know how to make sure that that's safe. So it's best to be avoided, right? The trouble with this is, as I said in the introduction that we end up staying in our comfort zone. There's all of those quotes that you see plastered all over the internet.
0:06:31.23 → 0:06:48.31
Growth happens outside your comfort zone. It's a little bit naff, but it's not untrue. Right. The analogy that my therapist always gives is like if you're training at the gym and you're lifting weights, everything in your body is going to be telling you like, put the damn thing down. It's heavy.
0:06:48.36 → 0:07:18.38
This is uncomfortable. Right. But we can know rationally that that point is the point where it's most important that we stay in the discomfort and that we edge out beyond that point where our body and brain wants to quit or wants to pull back from the discomfort. Right. So as much as it makes sense that we would cling to things that feel comfortable and known, and it makes sense that we would recoil from discomfort, whether that's physical discomfort, emotional discomfort, or any other kind of discomfort.
0:07:18.54 → 0:07:52.03
And while there is absolutely wisdom in listening to our intuitive knowledge, it's not to say that you should just always override what your body is telling you to do. I think that a huge part of growing is in changing the way that we relate to discomfort. Okay? And I think the more we can change our mindset around it and go, okay, discomfort is an opportunity for me to build my capacity. That is really, really fertile ground for self exploration.
0:07:52.19 → 0:08:31.51
And relatively, I think, exploring the way we relate to stress and not in the sense of chronic stress burnout because I don't think anyone would be arguing that that is an opportunity and that that is growth enhancing. I think quite the contrary, but more situational stress, it is really what triggers an adaptation in us. Right? Again, going back to the gym example, it's only when you're putting those muscles under stress which happens when you are stretching yourself, that's what triggers the adaptation after the fact. You're not going to get any growth or adaptation from the first rep in your first set because that is comfortable and it's not challenging you.
0:08:31.60 → 0:09:23.71
Right. So I think that recognising the opportunity that lies in staying in discomfort and, as I said, reframing the way that we relate to discomfort and seeing it as a challenge and an opportunity and recognising that our expansion lives on the other side of our courage in lingering in that discomfort is very, very transformative in the relationship that we have with ourselves, but also with the world around us and with life. Because when we are motivated by staying comfortable and we don't want to stretch ourselves and we actively shy away from discomfort, then we become very, very fragile. Right? We try and avoid situations, people, dynamics that could lead us to feel uncomfortable.
0:09:24.05 → 0:10:20.17
We stay in a bubble of what we know. And as I said, it's almost like we shape our lives around trying to avoid the things that could lead us to feel discomfort. Whereas when we open ourselves to the possibility of discomfort and trust ourselves to be resilient in experiencing that discomfort and coming out the other side, not only surviving it, but actually being stronger for it, then I think we become quite resilient in a way that we just aren't. If we're so attached to the idea of comfort and familiarity and certainty, and really, while it's a different entry point into the conversation, this is the essence of everything that I teach, frankly, in relationships and in the podcast In Anxious Attachment. It's like, can I build up my own inner capacity to be with whatever arises in my life and in my relationships?
0:10:20.30 → 0:11:26.55
Such that I'm not living in fear all the time, such that I trust my ability to hold it, even if it doesn't feel good, even if it's frightening or overwhelming or painful or hard, that I can feel those things and I can be with those emotions and those sensations and I can survive it. And we really give ourselves these embodied experiences of our own efficacy and our own strength and our own capability that we just never get to experience if we're constantly in avoidance and in that running away and pulling back, and that clinging to the familiar, to clinging to what we can control. Right? And I think that having those embodied experiences of like, oh, yeah, that was really hard. But here I am on the other side of it that might start in the gym or in doing a cold plunge or any other number of practises that we might look at as a way to build this discomfort muscle.
0:11:27.13 → 0:12:04.94
It might start in those settings, but it really ripples out throughout your life and it teaches you, oh, yeah, I can feel pain and discomfort and survive and be okay. Right. So I think on that note, some protocols or some practises that you might wish to explore on the physical side for me, and I did say that I'd speak to my own journey with this. I used to be someone who was very much comfortable and I had really no desire or interest in being uncomfortable. I didn't really like any sort of strenuous physical activity.
0:12:05.08 → 0:12:20.00
And I told myself a story and told others a story of, like, why would you want to do hard exercise? That sounds awful. No, thank you. I'll just go for a nice walk or do an easy yoga class or something. This is nothing against walking or yoga.
0:12:20.03 → 0:12:40.65
I still love both of those things very much. But I had this attitude towards physical challenge of like, no, thank you, I'll be fine. That's not for me. And I can look back on that now and recognise how much that was coming from a self protective place, because I didn't think I could do it right. I didn't think I had it in me.
0:12:40.69 → 0:13:11.18
I didn't trust myself. I thought I'd be bad at it or I thought I'd fail, I thought I'd be weak, thought I'd be embarrassed, and so I just didn't. And I think in this broader conversation around discomfort, that's probably true in a lot of the things that we don't do because it's uncomfortable is, oh, I don't want to fail. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. I don't want to be in pain or struggle because I might feel shame or humiliation or any of those things.
0:13:12.03 → 0:14:03.18
So for me, a real turning point was kind of getting out of my own way there. And physical exercise and really learning to embrace challenging exercise has been a huge part of my own journey with this. And I think I've told the story on the show before, a few years ago, when I was in a previous relationship that was not very good and I was nearing the end of that and I kind of knew I was nearing the end of it, but I didn't quite have the courage yet. I didn't quite have the resolve or, frankly, the plan on how I was going to do that and what I was going to do and what my life was going to look like. All of those things that can come with the impending end of a difficult relationship.
0:14:03.55 → 0:14:30.77
And I set myself the challenge to run 100 kilometres over the course of a month. And for some people who are runners, that's not a great deal, that's not a huge distance, right? But for me, definitely not being a runner at all, that was a big deal to set that goal. And I did it. I ran every day or every other day, and I reached that goal of 100 kilometres over the course of the month.
0:14:30.84 → 0:15:24.51
And not only was it significant that I set the goal and I did it even though it was hard, but there was this funny thing that happened whereby it was really, really hard at first, and then it got easier as I got better and stronger and my fitness improved. And it was exhilarating to experience my own growth in a very direct, visceral, observable, measurable way. I got faster and I wasn't so out of breath and I could actually enjoy the process. So that, for me, was really symbolic and significant. And it wasn't long after that that wasn't the only reason, but it wasn't long after that that I did kind of bite the bullet and face the discomfort and the unknown of leaving that relationship because I had a newfound trust in my ability to do hard things.
0:15:24.71 → 0:15:56.95
So since then, in my own life, doing more physically challenging things and constantly stretching myself in that respect has become a big part of my spiritual, if we want to call it that, emotional practise of embracing discomfort and observing discomfort and the thoughts that go into my head when I'm doing something physically hard, telling me, oh, I can't do this. This is hard. And then the other voice, which is kind of a wise inner voice, saying, yes, you can. You can do this. Even if it's for another 30 seconds, you can do this.
0:15:57.12 → 0:16:10.88
And just trusting that and doing it and then going, okay, there you go, 30 seconds more, that's an achievement. I'm building the container, right? So finding something doesn't have to be running. It doesn't have to be lifting weights. It doesn't have to be anything.
0:16:11.01 → 0:16:55.02
But finding something for you that is physically challenging, I think is a really, really beautiful, effective way to develop your capacity to be with discomfort, develop your self trust and your self respect. And to do that in a very embodied way. So that your system, your brain, your body goes, yeah, I'm strong and I can do hard things, and I can feel really, really good for having done them. A more emotional or mental example of a practise here, I think we could really use just working through a trigger or a difficult emotion. So, again, often when we feel let's use anxiety as an example that most, if not all of you will relate to.
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When we feel something like that, often we go, oh, my God, something bad's happening. And rather than actually just staying with the discomfort of the emotion, we launch into trying to make it stop. So that might be I fire off a million text messages, or I go and have an argument with someone or I do something, but I'm really trying to not have to make contact with the thing that I'm feeling that feels so uncomfortable. And I think that while we can understand where that's coming from, because the felt sense, the felt experience of anxiety is not pleasant, right? It's uncomfortable and it's big and it's overwhelming, actually.
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Just staying with it and going, okay, what's going on? For me, rather than trying to get away from our feelings, can we spend a bit of time with them and delve into them a little now, of course, there will be times when that is not the thing that you need, and there will be situations where you might need to avoid rather than jump into a feeling. And I will trust you to be discerning about what you need in any given moment. But building up our capacity to if you get triggered or stressed or something happens in your relationship and it feels really destabilising to your system, can you stay connected to yourself through that experience rather than scrambling to try and control the situation outwardly or to get away from it? So what's going on with me?
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What am I feeling in my body? What stories am I telling myself? Why does this feel so unsafe for me? What am I saying in my head? What conversations am I rehearsing with this person who has upset me?
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What do I need? Okay. And really just like, staying with the experience of our own feelings, even though they will be uncomfortable. And you notice when you stay with the primary emotion that it tends to pass much more quickly. But it's only when we either jump up to the level of story and we perpetuate the emotion by spinning around in a lot of really painful stories or we try and get away from it and avoid it and the emotion just gets bigger and louder because we're not tending to it.
0:19:21.09 → 0:20:01.96
Then we're experiencing the discomfort anyway, but not really in a way that is adaptive or allows us to grow through it. So if that's one that you can relate to a really simple practise and again, it doesn't have to be every single time you feel a difficult emotion but actually just tuning in and staying, even if it's again staying. For 30 seconds with the physical experience of anxiety. Maybe journaling or just sitting and wrapping yourself in a hug and rocking back and forth and just soothing yourself as you would soothe a child and really staying in that and just noticing what happens. Right?
0:20:02.09 → 0:20:49.08
So the last thing that I want to say on this, and again, you will have heard me speak about this before, if you've done any of my programmes or you've listened to some of the episodes I've done around nervous system regulation, but the core principle underlying any of this is uncomfortable but safe. Okay? So we don't want to push our systems to a level of discomfort that is so far outside of our capacity that we're going to experience almost whiplash or some sort of snap back to comfort zone because it was too much shock or too much overwhelm, right? So it really is an incremental process of building our capacity. That's why I give these examples of 30 seconds beyond when you want to quit or 30 seconds, right?
0:20:49.13 → 0:21:37.67
It's not that you have to go from zero to running a marathon, it's just can I, bit by bit, build up my capacity so that over time I can look back and go, wow, look how far I've come. I used to totally spin out in a panic attack and now I'm able to quietly observe my feelings and my thoughts and stay with those and choose how I'm going to respond, right? It's not some big glamorous breakthrough. It's just a bit by bit, day by day, moment by moment process of stepping into something that is uncomfortable, but ultimately that we know to be safe. And that's a really important point in doing all of this in a way that is self responsible and self loving.
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So I hope that's been an interesting conversation for you and has given you something to think about the way that you experience comfort and discomfort in your own life. And I should say that I'm not out here trying to be a disciplinarian and telling you that you need to crack the whip and get uncomfortable all the time and do military drills and all of that kind of thing. Again, it's discomfort in a way that is an act of love towards ourselves, because we know that it's in aid of our growth. And that doesn't mean that in every moment of every day you need to be seeking out discomfort, but really pendulating between comfort and discomfort so that we have trust in our ability to be with both, to be with. Whatever arises, rather than having to hide from the world and from our lives in a way that really makes us very small and very fragile and vulnerable and blocks us from having the openness to experience that most of us desire.
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If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. It really does help so much. Share it with the people in your life who you think might enjoy it. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.