#279: When an Old Love Resurfaces and Starts Pulling Away (Ask Steph)
This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and their reunion felt like everything she'd hoped for... until he suddenly started pulling back without explanation.
There are few things more disorienting than feeling someone you love begin to pull away.
Maybe the relationship had been going beautifully. You felt connected, hopeful, and secure in where things were heading. And then something shifted.
They became less available. Less communicative. Less emotionally present.
You can feel the distance, but you don't necessarily understand where it came from. And if you have anxious attachment patterns, that shift can activate a very familiar response:
They pull away, and you instinctively want to move closer.
You might reach out more, offer more support, ask more questions, or become increasingly focused on figuring out what changed and how you can get things back to where they were.
That response makes sense. But it can also lead us into a painful pattern where, in trying desperately not to lose someone else, we start losing ourselves.
Why Someone Might Pull Away During a Difficult Time
When someone we care about is going through something hard, our instinct might be to move towards them. We want to support them, care for them, and remind them that they don't have to navigate whatever they're facing alone.
But not everyone responds to vulnerability that way.
For people with more avoidant attachment patterns, difficult circumstances can actually intensify their instinct to withdraw.
Rather than leaning on the people closest to them, they may retreat inward. They might feel more comfortable dealing with things alone, struggle with feeling like a burden, or feel safer when they aren't relying too heavily on another person.
Being cared for can itself feel incredibly vulnerable when you're not accustomed to receiving support.
So someone's withdrawal isn't necessarily proof that they don't care about you or that the relationship wasn't meaningful.
There can be a lot happening beneath the surface.
And while understanding that can help us respond with compassion, compassion for another person shouldn't require abandoning ourselves.
The Anxious Instinct to Chase Connection
When someone pulls away, the anxiously attached part of us often believes there is one urgent task:
Get them to come back.
If they become distant, we move closer.
If they communicate less, we communicate more.
If they seem uncertain, we try harder to prove that the relationship is worth choosing.
Underneath all of this is often the belief:
I'm only okay if they're close.
So instead of asking ourselves what we need, we become consumed with figuring out what they need from us in order to stay.
Should I give them more space?
Should I check in?
Should I be more understanding?
Should I avoid bringing up how I feel because they're already dealing with enough?
These questions can sound caring, but when they're driven by fear, they can quickly become strategies for managing another person's behaviour.
And ultimately, we cannot control whether another person stays or goes.
Trying to create our own safety by controlling someone else's closeness leaves us incredibly vulnerable.
You Can Have Compassion and Still Have Needs
Perhaps the person pulling away has a very understandable reason for doing so.
They might be grieving, overwhelmed, frightened, unwell, or navigating something you can't fully understand.
You can have enormous compassion for that.
And you still exist in the relationship.
Your feelings, needs, boundaries, and wellbeing don't disappear simply because the other person is going through something difficult.
If a relationship starts existing entirely on one person's terms — where they can come close and pull away without communication while the other person waits patiently for whatever connection is available — it creates fertile ground for anxiety and insecurity.
This is where many of us slip into being endlessly accommodating.
Don't worry about me.
I don't want to put pressure on you.
I'll take whatever you can give me.
I'm just here if you need me.
There is nothing wrong with being loving, generous, flexible, or supportive.
But there needs to be a you in there too.
Before You Talk to Them, Talk to Yourself
When someone is pulling away, we often immediately focus on the conversation we need to have with them.
But there's another conversation that needs to happen first.
The one with yourself.
Ask yourself:
What version of this relationship am I actually available for?
Not: What will they agree to?
Not: What can I tolerate so they don't leave?
Not: How little can I ask for without scaring them away?
What do you genuinely want to create?
What kind of communication do you need?
What level of consistency feels healthy for you?
What does commitment mean to you?
And perhaps most importantly:
What is the current dynamic costing me?
If you're constantly anxious, waiting, worrying, analysing, or feeling shut out, that matters.
When we're terrified of losing someone, our standards for what we're willing to accept can quietly start slipping.
The alternative — losing the relationship altogether — feels so painful that we convince ourselves having some version of the relationship is better than having none.
But holding onto someone at the expense of your own wellbeing isn't the same thing as creating a secure relationship.
Have the Brave Conversation
Once you're clear on what you need, there may be a conversation to have.
Not an ultimatum.
Not an attempt to force someone into giving you reassurance.
And not a carefully calculated strategy designed to make them stop pulling away.
Instead, it's an honest conversation about what you're creating together.
What is this relationship?
What are we committing to?
What does staying connected look like when one of us is going through something difficult?
What do we each need?
What isn't going to work?
You can honour what someone else is experiencing while also standing firmly in what is and isn't sustainable for you.
That is very different from trying to control their response.
Because the hardest part isn't always having the conversation.
It's trusting what happens afterwards.
When Self-Respect Means Accepting an Answer You Didn't Want
Sometimes we gather the courage to say what we need — only to discover that the other person can't or won't meet us there.
And that's often the moment when fear takes over.
We backpedal.
Forget what I said.
It's fine.
We can keep doing things your way.
Because suddenly the possibility of losing them feels much worse than continuing in a dynamic we already know is hurting us.
This is where we can find ourselves on the cliff edge of self-abandonment.
Self-respect asks us to resist the urge to negotiate away our own needs simply because we're afraid of the alternative.
That doesn't mean relationships need to be perfect. It doesn't mean walking away the moment someone struggles.
It means recognising when holding onto another person is requiring you to repeatedly let go of yourself.
Sometimes the Present Reactivates the Past
There can also be another layer to these situations.
Sometimes the person pulling away isn't just this person in this moment.
The experience touches something older.
Maybe you've spent much of your life fearing abandonment. Maybe you've repeatedly found yourself wondering why someone wouldn't fully choose you. Maybe this relationship represents a chance to finally receive the love or commitment you once longed for.
When that happens, the stakes can feel enormous.
A part of you isn't simply hoping this relationship works.
It's hoping the story finally ends differently.
That longing deserves tenderness.
But it also makes staying anchored in yourself even more important.
You Don't Have to Choose Between Love and Yourself
You can be a champion for the love story.
You can hope deeply that the relationship works.
You can have compassion for someone's fear, pain, overwhelm, or instinct to withdraw.
And you can remain devoted to yourself at the same time.
Those things are not mutually exclusive.
Our job isn't to guarantee that nobody ever leaves us.
It's to build enough self-trust that when relationships become uncertain, we don't immediately leave ourselves in an attempt to make someone else stay.
Sometimes that means having a brave conversation.
Sometimes it means giving someone space.
Sometimes it means recognising that what another person is able to offer isn't enough for you.
Whatever the outcome, the invitation is the same:
Love them if you choose to. Support them where you can. Hope for the relationship. But make sure there is still a you in there too.
Because the goal isn't simply to avoid being abandoned.
It's to know that, whatever happens, you won't abandon yourself.
You might also like…
[00:01:30]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are trying something a little different. It is an Ask Steph episode, as we've done before, but I'm trialling something where I've invited listeners to submit a voice note. So to ask a question in their own words, and I'm going to share the voice note here on the podcast so that you can hear their storey with a little bit more context than when I usually just read out a one-line question. And we're going to be kicking off with that new format today as a bit of a trial. So I'm going to be sharing shortly a question that was submitted to me when I put the call out on Instagram. And I'm also going to put the link in the episode description for anyone who's interested in submitting a question for a future episode that might be then selected to form part of an episode of the podcast. And of course, totally up to you what you share, and I will not include any identifying information beyond what you've included in your voice note.
[00:02:29]:
So if you're concerned about privacy, then rest assured that you are in control of what you share and what gets shared. Okay, so with all of that being said, I'm going to hit play on this voice note that was submitted.
[00:02:41]:
Hi Steph, I'm 77 years old. 45 years ago, I was in love. with a man for 4 years. He wasn't ready to commit and I moved on. I had a 40-year marriage. My husband passed away 3 years ago. Last fall, this man contacted me and we've been together ever since. It has been fantastic.
[00:03:04]:
Everything's been great. He was always the one that got away from me. Anyway, all of a sudden he's backing off. I don't know if you call it a fearful avoidant or not, but it was very sudden. And then slowly, he's not 100% there. He still calls me. We still talk. He's just been diagnosed with cancer, so I've been trying to be there for him.
[00:03:29]:
But I don't know how to feel about all this. It's just, it's a lifetime of knowing this guy and, um, you know, I'm just not sure. Any input?
[00:03:39]:
Okay.
[00:03:40]:
So thank you for submitting the question. And, you know, it's interesting, obviously the specifics of your situation are Yeah. But the broad contours are actually quite common, something that I encounter in answering people's questions and supporting students in my programmes. This situation of being in a marriage or a long-term relationship, and that ends whether because you separate or because a partner passes away, and then having this intense first relationship after that long-term relationship, and that feeling like it really bowls you over. And feeling like, you know, that's the one that's really activated a lot of your patterns, or that's feeling really hard to let go of, or that you're feeling very preoccupied with and consumed by. And I think it pulls on a few threads. There's the nostalgia and the longing of this being a person from 40 years ago, 45 years ago, that you once loved and that you had hope around and that you had to let go of once before, and that you've always had in your mind as the one who got away. For him to reenter the scene all these years later, once your husband had passed away and you were presumably grappling with, you know, the reality of life without him after 40 years of marriage.
[00:05:06]:
And so to have this person burst back into your life like a flame and for you to be together, I can imagine that that would feel wonderful. And that It might feel really revitalising and that it's maybe brought an unexpected spark back to your life. You know, the joy and excitement of early connection with someone and particularly with all of that background and history. So it makes so much sense that that's been really amazing and that it's feeling so hard and so confusing and disorienting to have him pulling away and feel like he's slipping through your fingers and you don't really know what to do about it. And, you know, this is the part, I think that many people listening who can't relate to the specifics will at least be able to relate to that sense of feeling really excited about a new connection, feeling really invested, feeling maybe like it's everything you ever wanted, but then to feel the shift happen and feel that turn and feel like something's changing and I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. And of course, for Most of us with anxious attachment patterns, the instinct when that shift happens is to follow. You know, if they pull back, our instinct is to lean in further, to give more, to ask more questions, to try and pull them back towards us, or, you know, chase after them so that we don't lose them. But if, as you've suggested, he has fearful avoidant patterns or some other intimacy block, and you mentioned that he's been recently diagnosed with cancer.
[00:06:45]:
I mean, that's a very vulnerable time for him as well as for you, of course, loving him, to know that he's unwell and in need of care, but feeling like you can't provide that. You know, that's very layered and there's a lot there. But I think it's important to understand that for many people, and particularly people with more avoidant patterns, when hard things happen, their instinct is not to lean on those closest. It's actually to pull away. pull back a lot of the time. And without knowing anything about what his life has looked like over the past 40 years while you were married, you know, maybe he's not been accustomed to relying on others. Maybe that's still an edge for him and his muscle memory tells him to pull back and that he's got to go it alone. He doesn't want to burden others, that it's better to not become too invested because it raises the stakes and maybe he feels more in control when it's just him.
[00:07:45]:
And he can look after himself. Because I think that the reality is being cared for by someone is a vulnerable experience if it's not something that you're used to. Even at the same time as so many of us, I think, deeply long for that care and support, receiving it is a whole nother thing. So just to say that there's lots of pieces there, and it makes sense that it feels hard in all of the ways that it does, and that You would be feeling particularly vulnerable and maybe overwhelmed, feeling like there's this delicate balancing act where you finally got this precious thing that you've longed for, for most of your life, even if kind of relegated to the background of your memory, and to finally now have it and feel like it's slipping away, whether because he's sick or because he's emotionally disconnecting somewhat. It makes sense that your system would be really ramping up in response to all of that. Now, of course, that's all well and good, but what do you do about it? I think there's a few pieces and, you know, whenever I'm giving people advice in these sorts of situations where someone's pulling away, I'm always reluctant to give advice that falls into the category of strategizing with you to make them not pull away. Because I actually think that part of us that wants to strategize, that wants to bring them back, that wants to stop them from leaving, that's part of our insecurity that we actually ultimately want to be shifting away from rather than continuing to rely on as the way that we create safety for ourselves. Because for most of us, that's what we know and that's what we do.
[00:09:23]:
But it keeps us locked in this mindset and this pattern of, I'm only okay if they're close. And so if they pull away, my only job and the only thing that I can really do to create safety for myself, to make it all be okay again, is to get them to come back. And of course, that that sets up a real imbalance in so many ways and makes us feel incredibly vulnerable because ultimately we can't control whether they stay or go. So I think there's 2 pieces. Relationally, I think you've got to have a conversation and be really clear around, you know, what are we doing here? What is this connection that we are exploring with each other? What is it going to look like? What are our commitments to each other? What are the ground rules, so to speak? What are the parameters? Because for it to exist on his terms where he sort of comes and goes and, you know, sometimes is there and then sometimes pulls way back without really communicating, that's just such a recipe for anxiety for you. Even if there's really good reason within him in that he's carrying a lot and he's overwhelmed and he's afraid, you know, you still exist in that equation. And just letting him do as he pleases, you know, because you don't want to push him away or you don't want to put pressure on him, again, that just sets up an imbalance that, you know, you probably don't want to be setting up for yourself. So you can absolutely have compassion for him.
[00:10:46]:
You can have a conversation that really honours how big this is likely to be for him, while also standing firm in what's going to work for you and what isn't going to work for you. And I think in order to have that conversation, you need to have a conversation with yourself first and foremost, where you figure out what the answer to that question is. Because again, for so many of us, when we want something, when we want someone, and we're just so desperate to hold on, we can really slip in what we tolerate And the version of that that we accept because we're scared. We're scared of the alternative being nothing, being losing them. But I think that really one of the most self-respecting, self-honoring things that you can do is get really clear for yourself, what version of this am I available for? And what is it costing me to be in the current mode where it's, you know, halfway in, halfway out, cloaked in uncertainty and leaving me feeling really anxious and worried and shut out? Obviously, that's not sustainable, and it's going to continue to cause you pain and distress. And I think you have to be an advocate for yourself as much as you're an advocate for him, rather than just stepping into that role of accommodation and caretaking and flexibility and low maintenance and, don't worry about me, I'll just take whatever I can get, and let me take care of you. I think, you know, it's beautiful to wanna be there for him through all of the seasons, but you need to make sure there's a you in there.
[00:12:20]:
Yeah.
[00:12:20]:
there as well. So I think there's a conversation to be had with yourself around what version of this am I really longing for, and what am I wanting to create here? And then being brave enough to have that conversation in a firm but loving way, and trusting that whatever flows from that is the right outcome. And I think that's the really hard part, because we can pluck up the courage to have the conversation, but if it doesn't go the way we're hoping, if they don't respond in a way that kind of meets us in our desires, then we can quickly backpedal and say, well, then Don't worry, forget what I said. We'll just continue on, on your terms. Again, because the alternative feels so painful and scary. But that is really where we can find ourselves on the cliff edge of self-abandonment. And we really have to be brave enough to not carry on if we know that it's going to cost us dearly in terms of our own wellbeing, just to hold on to someone else. So I'm sending you lots of love.
[00:13:16]:
I can only imagine that this situation is bringing up all sorts of probably really old fears and wounds around abandonment and unworthiness and, you know, why, why won't he fully choose me? The fact that you'd been together all those years ago and then he couldn't commit and you had to let go, feeling like there's a reenactment of that pain all these years later. And of course, there's a big part of you that wants it to end differently. But I think that you just have to really be courageous in leading from self-respect and self-devotion. At the same time as you're really a champion for the love storey. And I sincerely hope that your love storey with this person can continue because what an amazing storey. But I think it's really important that you make sure you are cared for and respected in amongst that. And that is, you know, always our job first and foremost, to make sure that we're cared for and respected by declining to participate in dynamics where we are not. So Thank you so much for submitting the question.
[00:14:19]:
I'm sending you lots of love. And for anyone else listening, I hope that this has been helpful for you. It's, as I said, a bit of a different format. It's not gonna be every week that I'll do this, but I will weave them in subject to your feedback, whether you found this more coaching and advice style of episode helpful. So do feel free to comment and let me know if you've enjoyed it. And of course, if you would like to submit your own question, the link to that is in the episode description. And I suppose I should mention as well, this gives you a good feel of the kind of advice and support that I give to students in my programmes. We have, you know, regular live Q&A calls where we can connect, and we also have a community space where people ask questions and I leave voice notes and, and offer my thoughts and advice on whatever it is that they are struggling with.
[00:15:02]:
So if that feels like something that you might benefit from, you might consider looking into one of my programmes and the community support that goes along with that. Okay. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. Sending you lots of love, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Ask Steph episode, relationship advice, long-term relationships, marriage after loss, rekindled romance, old love, fear of abandonment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, cancer diagnosis, emotional withdrawal, navigating grief, self-advocacy in relationships, anxious attachment patterns, communication in relationships, intimacy issues, caregiving, vulnerability in relationships, boundaries in relationships, relationship uncertainty, nostalgia in romance, letting go, coping with loss, self-respect, self-honouring choices, compromise in relationships, supportive communities, coaching and advice
#278: How to Navigate Being Triggered by a Partner's Moodiness
In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question of "How do I navigate being triggered by my partner's moodiness and irritability?" This is such a common pain point for folks with anxious attachment patterns. I share some context as to why moodiness is so activating for the anxious nervous system, as well as my advice on how to best respond in the moment when your partner is being moody.
If your partner being grumpy, cranky, tired, short, or irritable immediately puts you on edge, you’re definitely not alone.
For those of us with anxious attachment patterns, a partner’s bad mood can feel surprisingly threatening. Even when we know logically that they’ve simply had a rough day or are feeling tired, something in us starts sounding the alarm.
What’s wrong?
Are they angry with me?
Did I do something?
Why are they acting like this?
And before we know it, their bad mood has become our bad mood — and we’re desperately trying to figure out how to make everything okay again.
So why does this happen? And perhaps more importantly, how can we learn to stay grounded when someone we love is in a bad mood without taking responsibility for fixing it?
A quick note before we dive in: there’s an important distinction between everyday moodiness and behaviour that is intentionally hurtful. What we’re talking about here is the normal day-to-day stuff — someone being tired, cranky, stressed, quiet, or a little short. This isn’t about situations where a partner is being overtly nasty, deliberately shutting you out, stonewalling, or engaging in more severe behaviour.
Why Your Partner’s Mood Can Feel So Threatening
Our reactions don’t come from nowhere.
If you’re particularly sensitive to other people’s moods, there’s a good chance there was something in your family of origin that taught you to pay very close attention to the emotional temperature of the room.
Maybe there was unpredictability in your home. Maybe you learned to move carefully around someone else’s moods. Maybe you felt responsible for keeping everyone happy and calm.
And perhaps when someone wasn’t happy, you assumed you must have done something wrong.
Over time, your nervous system can learn:
Someone being angry, frustrated, quiet, or unhappy means something bad might happen.
That blueprint can follow us into our adult relationships.
When we add anxious attachment into the mix — particularly fears of rejection, abandonment, and not being worthy of love — our partner’s mood can suddenly feel incredibly high stakes.
We might subconsciously believe:
If I can be the perfect partner, I’ll be safe.
If I can make them happy, they won’t leave me.
If they’re annoyed, I must have failed.
If they’re upset with me, maybe they don’t love me anymore.
When those beliefs are operating beneath the surface, it makes perfect sense that a partner being moody or withdrawn would activate a lot of anxiety.
When Their Mood Becomes Your Responsibility
When we feel threatened by someone else’s mood, our instinct is often to rush in and fix it.
“What’s wrong?”
“Are you okay?”
“Are you angry at me?”
“Why are you talking to me like that?”
And when they insist that they’re fine, we might ask again — because clearly they don’t seem fine.
This usually comes from a genuine desire to restore connection and make sure everything is okay. But unfortunately, it often has the opposite effect.
This can be particularly challenging if your partner has more avoidant patterns.
Where an anxiously attached person might respond to stress by seeking closeness, reassurance, and conversation, someone with more avoidant patterns will often retreat into themselves. They might need some space and prefer not to talk about what’s bothering them right away.
So when their withdrawal becomes a magnet for our anxiety — prompting us to hover, question, investigate, or try to fix — they can feel crowded or controlled and pull away even further.
Which, of course, makes us even more anxious.
And suddenly, something as simple as your partner having a bad day has turned into a much bigger source of tension between you.
What Should You Do When Your Partner Is in a Bad Mood?
My biggest piece of advice is deceptively simple:
Do nothing.
In the moment, you don’t need to fix it. You don’t need to respond to it. You don’t even necessarily need to acknowledge it.
If you want to check in once — “You seem a bit tired, is something up?” — you can.
But if they say they’re fine or indicate that they don’t want to talk about it, practise taking that at face value.
Instead of thinking:
They’re clearly not fine. What are they hiding from me? What have I done?
Try:
Okay. I’ve asked. They don’t want to talk about it. It’s not my responsibility to fix this.
And then go about your day.
Protect Your Own Peace
One thing I often suggest is having a few things up your sleeve that you can turn to when you notice yourself becoming activated by your partner’s mood.
Run yourself a bath.
Read a book.
Go for a walk.
Put on a podcast.
Do something you enjoy on your own.
Rather than sitting next to your partner monitoring every sigh, facial expression, or change in tone, consciously redirect your attention towards yourself.
You can almost imagine creating a little bubble around yourself where their mood is allowed to exist without pulling you into it.
Because you don't have to jump into the storm with them.
You’re allowed to protect your own peace.
Trust That the Storm Can Pass
For many people, a bad mood really is just a bad mood.
They’ve had a frustrating day. They’re tired. They’re hungry. They’re stressed.
And then… it passes.
The problem is that when we treat every shift in mood as a potential relationship crisis, we can inadvertently turn something small into something much bigger.
Instead, experiment with trusting that your partner is an adult who is capable of experiencing an emotion and coming out the other side of it.
They can be in a mood without you fixing it.
They can be irritated without it meaning your relationship is in trouble.
They can have an emotion without that emotion becoming yours.
And importantly, their mood doesn’t automatically have to be about you.
You Can Address Their Behaviour Later
None of this means you have to tolerate someone treating you poorly.
If your partner was particularly rude or short with you, there may absolutely be something to address.
But the middle of their bad mood probably isn’t the most productive time to do it.
Once things have settled, you might say something like:
“I understand that you were really tired and stressed earlier, but the way you spoke to me didn’t feel good. In future, I’d really appreciate it if you could communicate that you need some space rather than snapping at me.”
That conversation is likely to be much more constructive once both of you are regulated than if you try to force it while emotions are running high.
Learning to Be Around Someone Else’s Emotions
Ultimately, there’s a much deeper piece of healing available here.
We can learn to exist in proximity to someone we love who is having an emotion without taking responsibility for that emotion.
Their feelings don’t have to become our feelings.
Their discomfort doesn’t automatically mean we need to spring into action.
Their mood doesn’t have to be something we fix, solve, smooth over, or make disappear.
And every time we allow someone to have a mood without treating it like a crisis, we give ourselves a new experience.
We learn:
They were cranky, and nothing terrible happened.
They needed some space, and they came back.
They were frustrated, and it wasn’t about me.
I didn’t fix it, and we were still okay.
Those experiences are powerful because they slowly rewrite the old story that tells us we need everyone around us to be happy in order for us to be safe.
Building More Security in Your Relationships
Healthy relationships aren't perfectly harmonious all the time.
There will be friction. There will be bad days. There will be moments where one person is tired, distracted, stressed, frustrated, or just not particularly pleasant to be around.
Part of becoming more secure is building our tolerance for those normal ebbs and flows without interpreting them as signs that something is terribly wrong.
The next time your partner is in a bad mood and you feel that familiar anxiety bubbling up, see what happens if you resist the urge to rush in.
Don't interrogate.
Don't hover.
Don't immediately assume it's about you.
Instead, return your attention to yourself.
Let them have their mood.
Let yourself have your peace.
And trust that not every storm cloud is a crisis you need to solve.
You might also like…
[00:01:25]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the listener question of, how do I deal with being triggered by my partner's bad moods and irritability? So this is one that I know from experience is a huge sticking point for a lot of people, particularly with anxious attachment patterns. It's one that still to this day I struggle with myself and certainly have struggled with historically. So rest assured you're not alone if you Find your partner's moodiness triggering. And I do wanna acknowledge at the outset that there is a spectrum that we could be talking about here, as is always the case, that what I'm talking about as moodiness or irritability might mean something very different to you if you're listening in the context of your own relationship. And the advice that I'm going to share is very much speaking to a scenario where someone's just being a bit grumpy or cranky or short or tired or irritable, and not where someone is being overtly nasty or full-on blocking you out or stonewalling or anything that feels a bit more severe and intentional. So the scenario that I'm going to speak to in today's episode and the advice I'm going to give is really around that like day-to-day thing, which even still can be really triggering for those of us, particularly with anxious attachment patterns. And I'm going to share some thoughts as to why that can be and how you might go about grounding yourself through that.
[00:02:55]:
Because as we'll talk about, what we do by default tends to make things worse. rather than better, even though it's coming from a place of earnestly wanting to fix things. It can often backfire. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we get into that, if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment, and certainly if you relate to what I'm going to talk about in today's episode, I would love for you to register for my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. I share in a lot more detail about the framework that I teach for healing anxious attachment, as well as some of the reasons why you might be stuck despite all the work that you're doing and how you can discern whether the problems that you're experiencing, the challenges are stemming from your anxious attachment or stemming from something that's off in your relationship. So I cover all of that in the free training, and you can register for that at the link in the show notes or by heading directly to my website. Okay.
[00:03:48]:
So let's get into this conversation around struggling with a partner's moodiness and feeling really triggered by it, feeling like it really activates something in you and feels quite unsafe. So let's just first acknowledge that nothing comes from nowhere and that Most of us who have this sensitivity likely had something in our family of origin that mirrored that dynamic. A feeling like there was some unpredictability, a feeling like we had to manage or move around other people's moods, feeling like it was our responsibility to make sure everyone was happy and calm, and feeling like we'd then done something wrong if they weren't. So if someone's in a bad mood, if they're angry, if they're frustrated, if they're short, that spells trouble for us either because it's going to mean conflict, it's going to mean stress. It means I've done something wrong. That can be really deeply coded into our system. And that can obviously travel with us throughout life and into our adult relationships. I think when we layer onto that some other pieces around the fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, this unworthiness piece of feeling like it's our job to be the perfect partner and to never do anything wrong and to make our partner happy, those sort of codependent subconscious thoughts that we might have that your feelings are my responsibility and I have to smooth all of that over for you.
[00:05:07]:
that if you're annoyed, it's because I've failed or done something wrong, and that that means you're going to leave me or you don't love me anymore because you couldn't possibly be annoyed at me and also still love me. All of that can create a lot of anxiety because it feels really high stakes. And so many of us with anxious attachment patterns do just have this blueprint around, if I can just be the perfect partner and make our relationship perfectly happy and make you happy, then I'll be safe and nothing bad will happen and you'll love me and we'll live happily ever after. And then I won't have to feel all the bad feelings that come with, you know, that fear of rejection and abandonment and the intense vulnerability of feeling unworthy of love. So when we look at that backdrop, suddenly it starts to make more sense why we might feel very activated by a partner being moody, being cranky, being irritable, being a bit short or snappy. Even if it has nothing to do with us, it still registers as, this can't be good, and this might spell trouble. This might mean that I've done something wrong, which really feels threatening to my whole identity as a partner in this relationship because I pride myself on being perfect and not doing anything wrong and making you happy. So we can take it all very personally.
[00:06:18]:
And of course, when we're receiving it in that way and we're sort of instantly activated by it, then we react from this fearful place, from this anxious place. And when someone has just had a rough day at work, or they're a bit tired, or they're a bit hangry or something, and our response is to rush in and go, what's wrong? And ask them that 5 times and then say, are you angry at me? Why are you speaking to me like that? And put a lot of anxiety around it. A lot of people, and particularly people with avoidant patterns who we are often in relationship with, will just push that away so hard. Like they don't want to absorb that anxiety because from their perspective, remember, when they're experiencing stress, They tend to disconnect, they tend to retreat into themselves, they tend to not wanna talk about it. And so feeling like them being a bit quiet or withdrawn is suddenly a magnet for your anxiety to come and circle around them and rush in and wanna fix it and wanna inquire about it and wanna talk about it, that will often be received pretty poorly and they might really push back against that or shut down even further, which of course triggers the anxiety further. So if that is sounding familiar to you, it is certainly familiar to me.
[00:07:31]:
Okay, big piece of advice. What do you do with that situation when your partner's in a bad mood and you're feeling triggered by it? My advice, and this is advice that I certainly try to live by as much as I can, is to do nothing. In the moment, just do nothing. You don't have to respond. You don't even have to acknowledge it. If you wanna ask them, oh, you seem a bit tired, or is something up? And they say, no, I'm fine, which of course registers in your system as like, well, they're clearly not fine. So what's wrong? What's being kept from me?
[00:08:00]:
Just go, okay, not my problem. I've asked, they said they're fine, they clearly don't wanna talk about it, and now I'm going to go and live my life as if that was not happening because it's actually not my responsibility. It's not my responsibility to fix their cranky mood. It's not my responsibility to make them suddenly be happy again. And so it is this really conscious letting go, almost like a cutting of the cord that I feel connects my mood to their mood. And Just actually going on with your day, going on with your evening, whatever you would've been doing if they weren't being like that. And I've often given the advice to students of actually having a few things up your sleeve. If you get triggered by something like this, it's like, okay, I will go and run myself a bath.
[00:08:43]:
I will read a book. I will go on a walk and listen to a podcast. Any number of things that I can do, enjoying my own company, protecting my own peace, that don't require me to be in and around them if I know that that's probably going to be triggering for me. But it's like, I'm gonna create this bubble of blissful ignorance around myself where I don't need to be pulled into that storm, and I certainly don't need to jump into that storm willingly because nothing good comes of it. And I think that's the key piece to realise, because I'm sure some of you will be hearing this and having resistance to it. But we all know from experience that nothing good comes from it. They don't appreciate the hovering and the interrogating. You don't get what you want from it because it tends to just make it worse.
[00:09:26]:
And so then you feel more anxious and shut out and worried and— all of that. So I think the majority of the time, and certainly again in my personal experience, when I just choose not to engage and certainly decline to participate or be pulled into it, it's a storm cloud that passes and then they come out of it, they're fine. If we felt that they were being particularly rude or impolite, or if there was something that needed to be addressed, you can address it afterwards and say like, hey, I get that you were tired before, but in future, I'd really appreciate if you could, whatever. But just going in and sort of pecking at them in the moment is not going to work. It's not going to make anything better. It's going to make you feel worse. It's going to make them feel controlled, which they're going to push back hard against. And so I really, really encourage you to just give it a try.
[00:10:12]:
The next time you get triggered by it, by your partner being a bit moody or irritable, cranky or tired or withdrawn, just do nothing. Do your own thing. Don't engage. You don't even have to acknowledge it. You don't even have to call it out. You don't have to name it. You can actually just— Carry on with your life and allow them to experience a mood and trust that they can be in a mood and then come out of a mood and they're an adult and that's fine. That doesn't have to pose a threat to you.
[00:10:37]:
It doesn't have to be about you. It doesn't have to be some personal attack on you. It's actually okay. And as I said, if there is something to talk about, talk about it afterwards because it's not going to be very productive in the moment. So I hope that that helps. It really is such a tricky thing. And as I said, it makes so much sense that it's activating for you if any of those pieces that I spoke to have been part of your storey. But I think it is so, so powerful in actually rewriting that storey for ourselves going forward to realise that we can exist in proximity to someone we love who is having an emotion without taking responsibility for that emotion and taking that on as our own thing to fix or as being about us.
[00:11:19]:
And the more experiences that we have of that actually not spiralling into some full-blown crisis and not treating it as such, that's how we start to shift away from that experience and we can actually just build up our tolerance for more friction in relationship, for more of the ebbs and flows that are part of being 2 people with all of their own stuff building a relationship together. So I hope that that's been helpful. Sending you lots of love, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:13:16]:
Thanks, guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
partner’s bad moods, irritability, anxious attachment, attachment patterns, emotional triggers, relationship advice, partner moodiness, feeling activated, emotional safety, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, codependency, managing moods, self-soothing, grounding techniques, dealing with crankiness, not taking responsibility for partner’s mood, avoidance patterns, building emotional tolerance, relationship dynamics, conflict avoidance, emotional boundaries