#276: Attachment & Conflict (Part 4): Repairing After Relationship Rupture
Learning to repair after conflict or ruptures is one of the most valuable relationship skills you'll ever have. But for many of us, meaningful repair isn't something we ever really learned or had modelled. In this episode, we talk about three key components of repair, and how they can help us to transform conflict into deeper understanding, connection, and intimacy.
One of the biggest misconceptions about healthy relationships is that people in them don't have conflict.
The reality is quite the opposite.
Every relationship experiences misunderstandings, hurt feelings, disagreements, and moments where we miss each other. Whether it's with a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, or even our children, ruptures are inevitable.
What determines the health of a relationship isn't whether conflict happens—it's what happens afterwards.
That's where repair comes in.
Repair is the process of finding your way back to one another after a rupture. It's how we rebuild trust, deepen understanding, and strengthen connection after things have gone sideways.
In many ways, repair is one of the most important relationship skills we can develop.
Conflict Doesn't Have to Mean Disconnection
It's easy to think of conflict as something to avoid. But conflict often reveals important information.
It highlights unmet needs.
It exposes recurring patterns.
It shines a light on places where we feel unseen, disconnected, or misunderstood.
While conflict itself can feel uncomfortable, it also creates an opportunity. When we're able to come back together with openness and goodwill, we can learn more about ourselves, understand each other more deeply, and create healthier ways of relating moving forward.
Without repair, resentment quietly accumulates. Trust slowly erodes. Small moments become bigger stories.
With repair, those same moments can actually strengthen a relationship rather than weaken it.
Start with Connection, Not Combat
One of the biggest barriers to repair is that we often approach it while still trying to prove our case.
We want the other person to understand how much they hurt us.
We want them to admit they were wrong.
We want justice before we're willing to soften.
While those desires are understandable, they often produce the opposite of what we're hoping for.
When someone feels blamed, criticised, or attacked, their nervous system naturally moves toward self-protection. Instead of hearing your pain, they're busy defending themselves.
If what you're truly longing for is understanding, acknowledgement, and closeness, the most effective place to begin is usually with vulnerability rather than accusation.
Instead of leading with:
"You completely overreacted."
or
"Are we finally going to talk about what you did?"
try something more like:
"Can we talk about what happened earlier? I'd really like us to reconnect."
The goal isn't to minimise your experience or pretend nothing happened.
It's simply to create enough emotional safety that both people can stay engaged in the conversation.
Separate Intention from Impact
One of the most powerful shifts we can make during repair is learning to distinguish between what we intended and the impact we actually had.
These are not the same thing.
Perhaps you were trying to help.
Perhaps you were trying to solve a problem.
Perhaps you were trying to make your partner feel better.
But if your actions landed as criticism, control, dismissal, or rejection, insisting on your good intentions rarely helps.
Many of us instinctively say things like:
"I was only trying to help."
"That's not what I meant."
"You've misunderstood me."
While those statements may be true, they often communicate that we're more invested in defending ourselves than understanding the other person's experience.
Repair becomes much more meaningful when we're willing to acknowledge the impact without abandoning our intention.
That might sound like:
"I can see that what I said really hurt you. That wasn't my intention at all, but I understand that's how it landed, and I'm truly sorry."
This kind of response doesn't require you to agree with every aspect of someone else's interpretation.
It simply communicates that their experience matters.
And that creates space for reconnection.
A Meaningful Apology Goes Beyond "I'm Sorry"
Not every disagreement requires a long relationship debrief.
Sometimes a genuine:
"I'm sorry about this morning. I was stressed, and I don't like leaving things between us like that."
is enough.
But when conflict reflects a recurring pattern or touches something more significant, repair often requires more than an apology.
It requires accountability.
That means asking questions like:
What happened here?
What can we each learn from this?
How can we approach this differently next time?
An apology without any willingness to change can leave the other person wondering whether anything will actually improve.
When appropriate, repair includes a commitment to doing something differently in the future.
Not because perfection is the goal, but because growth is.
Make Repair a Collaborative Process
When emotions are running high, it's easy to focus on what the other person needs to change.
But some of the healthiest repair conversations shift from:
"What are you going to do differently?"
to:
"How can we do this differently together?"
Of course, there are situations where one person's behaviour clearly crossed a line or violated a boundary, and accountability rightly rests more heavily with them.
But in many everyday conflicts, approaching repair as a shared effort helps move both people out of defensiveness and into partnership.
Rather than trying to win the argument, you're working together to strengthen the relationship.
Repair Builds Trust
Trust isn't built because we never disappoint each other.
Trust is built because we know we'll find our way back after we do.
Healthy relationships aren't defined by flawless communication or perfect emotional regulation. They're defined by two people who are willing to keep choosing each other—especially after things haven't gone according to plan.
Repair is rarely about having the perfect words.
It's about bringing humility instead of certainty.
Curiosity instead of defensiveness.
Connection instead of being right.
Because every successful repair sends a powerful message:
"Even when we struggle, we're still on the same team."
And over time, that message becomes one of the strongest foundations a relationship can have.
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[00:01:14]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about repair. So this is part 4 4th and final part of my attachment and conflict series. So we've had part 1, which was all about anxious attachment and conflict, part 2, which was about avoidant attachment and conflict, part 3, which was tips for how to have healthier conflict. And those were tips for anxious partners, tips for more avoidant partners, and then kind of relational tips. And here is part 4, all about repair. So I do wanna say at the outset, repair is such a huge topic. It's one that I've done in depth with my friend and teacher James Fish Gill a couple of times on the podcast, and I really recommend going and listening to those episodes if you haven't already.
[00:01:57]:
Fish is absolutely masterful at all things communication and repair, and those conversations are long as they're about an hour each. And we talk in a lot of depth and detail about all things repair. So that's a really good place to dive deep if you really want to sink your teeth into all of this. But for the purposes of today's episode, I just want to give a more top-level, broad contours guide to repair. In relationships. And I think it's really important to recognise that like repair is so, so important in all relationships, really. It's not just romantic relationships. Repair in friendships, repair with family, repair with our kids if you're a parent.
[00:02:37]:
It's just so important because ruptures are inevitable. And I think that's such a big part of maturing in our understanding of healthy relationships is realising that things aren't always going to go to plan. There will be days where we really miss each other and we have moments of friction And our intentions are misunderstood and things really blow up unexpectedly, or maybe we're both tired and irritable and we say something we don't mean. Being able to kind of come back around after that and clean up the mess and return to connection and love is so important because that's what allows us to not only avoid the building up of resentment and hurt that ultimately can erode our relationships and erode the trust base that we have there, but it can actually deepen us in our connection because ultimately conflict reveals something to us. Sometimes it will be revealing unmet needs, it will be revealing grievances or places where we're feeling disconnected. And while we don't always manage the conflict part as skillfully and masterfully as we would like, being able to come back when we have a bit more space, when we've had time to reflect and repair and come back into love and connection, that can be what allows us to actually make the conflict worthwhile because we can not only reconnect with each other, see each other more clearly and lovingly than maybe we had capacity for in the heat of the moment, but we can also make a plan. And I think that's one of the key pieces that we'll talk about is like, okay, what needs to happen here? Is there any action item, for want of a better word, that arises out of this thing that happened between us so that we can make sure that either it doesn't happen again or that whatever led to it, we can, we can take care of that. And I think that that can be actually a beautiful deepening of relationship to be able to go through that process of rupture and repair and emerge stronger and seeing each other more clearly than you did before.
[00:04:36]:
So I think something that's important to name at the outset is that repair doesn't have to be this really big, long, serious conversation. And I think for those of us with anxious attachment patterns, if we've been in relationships that have felt quite bogged down with emotional labour and big fights followed by very long extended repair conversations. The whole thing can just feel really heavy and serious, and sometimes it will be, depending on what we're talking about, right? Like, there's repair after infidelity, and there's like repair after the snide remark that I made as you were walking out the door this morning, right? Like, these are very different things that exist on a really, really broad spectrum. And so, When I'm speaking about this, I'm always mindful that someone, depending on the situation that they're in, might be applying it to something very different to what I'm intending when I'm sharing and teaching. So bearing in mind that like, there is a vast range of circumstances that could warrant repair in a relationship, and some will not be a one-and-done conversation. Some might need professional support. Some might be really serious and big, but others might be really brief. It might just be as simple as saying, hey, I'm I'm really sorry about this morning.
[00:05:55]:
I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I was just feeling a bit stressed because I was running late, right? So that can be repair, but repair can also be going to couples therapy for 6 months and doing some really deep work. So there is a really broad spectrum here, and it's important to recognise that because, of course, the type of repair that you're going to apply to the situation where you had a quick moment of tension before leaving for work is not the same kind of repair that's going to do the trick if there's been a betrayal, for example. So I just wanted to name that and acknowledge that. apply what I'm going to be saying with some level of discernment because it is not a one-size-fits-all approach. With that being said, I do think there are some core elements to successful and meaningful repair that can be a good guide for you no matter the circumstances. And those are acknowledgement. I think there needs to be an acknowledgement of what happened, which sounds very, very obvious, but sometimes when we're really deep in our defences, we don't even want to acknowledge it.
[00:06:54]:
It feels too vulnerable to go there. We may be don't want to open it up again, and so we are reluctant to even name the thing that happened. And particularly if we're in a bit of a cold war stance where we've both not talking to each other and we've got our arms folded, so to speak, and our backs turned on each other, being the one to turn back and say, hey, can we talk about this morning? That can actually take a lot of courage and vulnerability. So being able to acknowledge that things didn't go to plan and Not doing that in a way that's attacking or saying something that's got even a hint of fighting words in it, like, aren't we gonna speak about what happened this morning? That's got like a little bit of passive aggressiveness in it. We really wanna avoid that because like, again, we need to come to repair in the spirit of putting down our defences and returning to connection. So if we're still doing that from this guarded stance of trying to protect ourselves, trying to make the other person wrong, and maintaining that we were in the right, like none of that belongs in a repair conversation, that framework of trying to find the bad guy and villain-victim, all of that. We've got to find ways to actually park that. And again, I get it.
[00:08:06]:
If there's something big that has happened, it's really hard to let go of that. And it's not to clear someone of any responsibility to come to that conversation lovingly. And I think sometimes that can be part of our hesitation. It's like, if I put my guard down, if I don't come to this conversation with my anger still there or with that fight in me, I'm scared that you're not going to take ownership of the or that I'm not going to be able to have my pain recognised by you, and you're not going to really see the impact that you've had on me. So I feel like I have to come to you with intensity, with anger, with that accusation kind of energy. But of course, what that often yields is just more defensiveness, and then we don't really get what we're longing for, which is acknowledgement and validation and attunement. So if that is what you're wanting, for someone to be able to see the impact they've had and take ownership for that, Ironically enough, you've actually got to open your heart and show that from a more vulnerable place rather than a guarded place of leading with reminding them of how they hurt you and making them wrong for it. Because for most people, that's going to lead them to put their guard up and lead them to be defensive, and you're just going to feel more invalidated as a result.
[00:09:22]:
So acknowledgement, framing it as like, this thing happened and it felt kind of shitty, and can we talk about it? So I think for me, and this is what I try to do in my own relationship, even if that voice in my head is telling me that I was perfectly in the right and my partner was being very unreasonable, I will always try and initiate that conversation from a place of, hey, would we be able to talk about this morning? Or can we talk about what happened before? From as neutral a place as I possibly can. Even if as part of that conversation, I do want to express the impact that his behaviour had on me or any hurt that I might be feeling. I'm not going to lead with that because it's all but guaranteed that he's telling himself a similar storey about how he was in the right and how he was justified. And so if he senses that I'm leading with a storey that makes him wrong, then he's going to shut down. So we do really have to be courageous enough to lead with this neutral acknowledgement of something happened between us, and I think that we need to talk about it so that we can understand each other's position. And again, I think that's really, really crucial is like, Understand each other's position, not just, I need you to understand mine. Because again, like when we're in that conflict stance, we are all very naturally self-centered because we are in our own experience. We are perceiving them from our standpoint.
[00:10:43]:
And of course we have all the context for what we're feeling and what we were wanting to do and how reasonable we were being. And we only see them through the lens of how selfish, unreasonable, reactive, defensive, or whatever we perceive them as being. But I can guarantee you that they have a similar perception of themselves.
[00:10:58]:
Yeah.
[00:11:00]:
as being justified and in the right, and of you as being irrational or overly sensitive or dramatic or whatever, right? We can all go there. And again, I spoke about this in part 3, like if we just keep fighting over whose perception or experience or whatever is justified, we'll just fight forever. So if you want to repair, you have to try and come at it from a place of like, neither of us wanted this. Both of us were having an experience of the other person and of the moment. And we actually need to be able to have space for all of that to coexist here if we want to be able to then come back into connection and understand each other better. So, all of that to say, start with acknowledgement, and as neutral an acknowledgement as possible, not coming in with a passive-aggressive underbelly. And it's okay if you're still hurt, it's okay if you're still feeling some tenderness around it, but try to lead with vulnerability rather than any kind of attack or criticism or blame or right and wrong energy, because that will backfire all Almost guaranteed. Another key piece in repair is apology and ownership.
[00:12:08]:
And this can be really challenging because a lot of us will feel reluctant to apologise for something that we did not intend. And so in order to be able to apologise meaningfully and fully, and in a way that really lands with the other person, we have to be able to detach our intention from the impact. So we have to be able to separate out what I was trying to do from how you actually experienced the thing that I did and how that actually affected you, that might be really wildly different from what I was trying to achieve. So a common example is like, your partner thinks you're being controlling, but you think you were just trying to help, right? And so if they're experiencing that and going like, can you stop being so controlling? And you're saying, what are you talking about? I'm literally just trying to help. That is just such an impasse. And the more that you keep saying, I'm just trying to help, or I was just trying to be nice, or whatever. I'm just trying to— whenever you hear those words, you know, oh, I'm defending my intention because I am uncomfortable with the fact that they have received me differently to how I was intending. And I am needing to defend my goodness and my rightness so that I don't have to acknowledge that irrespective of what I was intending, they are experiencing me as controlling, or whatever it might be, right? There are a million and one variations of that disparity between intention and impact, and it exists in both directions in every conflict.
[00:13:39]:
And again, I speak more about this in the 2 conversations I've had on the podcast with Fish, so you can go back and listen to those. But if we want to be able to apologise and we want to be able to repair, we have to, yes, acknowledge that that wasn't our intention, and alongside that, acknowledge that we have impacted the other person with our behaviour, albeit unintentionally. And we might not be able to perfectly describe how they experienced us, but we can guess at it. And that really comes across as a peace offering. So being able to say, continuing with that same example, I was really wanting to help this morning, but it seemed like you were experiencing me as being controlling or that that didn't land the way I was hoping. So I'm really sorry if that's the case. Again, it wasn't my intention, but clearly my intention didn't land and that's not what I want. And I'm sorry for how that impacted you.
[00:14:28]:
Right? And it takes some courage and it takes some maturity to be able to do that. And some humility, because so many of us, myself included, by default would rather convince them out of their experience or convince them that they are wrong to perceive us in that way because it wasn't what we were intending. And we can be so uncomfortable with someone not seeing us as the good guy all the time. We can be so uncomfortable with them getting annoyed at us or finding us irritating or perceiving us as controlling or whatever it might be that we put all of our energy and effort into explaining to them why they are wrong to see us in that way. And we do that by reference to our good intentions or what we were just trying to do. And all of that, even if it's coming from a good place within us or a place of really wanting to clarify our intention, it just lands as invalidating of their experience because what you're actually saying is you're wrong to feel the way you do, or you're misguided to feel the way you do, or you are unjustified or whatever. And we know that when we get that, when we're told those things about something we're feeling that feels very real and true for us, That doesn't feel good. That doesn't make you feel better for someone to just tell you, oh, that's not what I meant.
[00:15:40]:
Another example is like, if someone says, oh, it was just a joke, when they've said something that was actually hurtful for you, them saying, oh, it was just a joke, stop taking it so seriously, that's never going to make you feel better, right? Because you're actually hurt by the thing. So a much better way of repairing would be, I was intending that in a lighthearted way, but I'm really sorry that that has caused you hurt. I won't do it again, right? Like, that's a much more effective apology than, it was just a joke, get over it. So having this really clear conception of intention and impact and seeing that they can and do coexist, and they can be really incongruent, that the thing that we're intending can land in a really different way. And actually just acknowledging that and being brave enough to say, like, I can see how I've impacted you, which is not the way I wanted to impact you, but nevertheless, I'm sorry, and I'm going to be more mindful of that in future. That is a really beautiful olive branch to extend to someone in conflict because there's not much for them to defend against there. It's very naturally melting of someone's defences when you can just speak to the impact that you might have had on them rather than defending why you were justified to do the thing you do and why actually they are the one who's overreacting or being unreasonable. The third component of repair that I want to talk about today, and again, I want to acknowledge this is far from exhaustive as a conversation on repair, but wanted to give you these kind of 3 key pillars to bear in mind when you're navigating repair is kind of accountability and a plan for next time.
[00:17:13]:
Now, I don't think this will always be necessary. Again, in the example of like, we had a tense moment before you left for work and I made a snide remark and you walked out the door and that's where we left it for the day. If it was just something in the heat of the moment because you were stressed, like you can probably just get away with saying, Sorry about this morning. I was stressed. I don't like leaving things like that. I love you. That might just be enough. And you can like not excavate the whole thing and have this big serious sit-down discussion about what happened and intention and impact.
[00:17:43]:
And like, not every repair has to be this big in-depth thing. And I think in those situations, like where we can just give each other the benefit of the doubt and have some grace around it rather than holding a grudge or rather than making it into this bigger symbol of all of the things that are wrong in the relationship.
[00:17:59]:
Yeah.
[00:18:00]:
Sometimes we can just let things go and acknowledge it, move on, say I love you, and just let it be that. And certainly I think where they're like little minor things like that can actually just be enough. But sometimes we need more. And sometimes in particular where it feels like the rupture in question was maybe a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship or a bigger challenge, something that has been recurring or some behavioural thing that feels not okay, some kind of boundary breach or something like that.
[00:18:29]:
Yeah.
[00:18:31]:
Having this third piece in your repair around like, what are we going to do to make sure that this doesn't happen again? Or what can I offer to you as some sort of commitment or acknowledgement? And what might you offer to me so that next time things might go differently, so that maybe we can navigate this more lovingly and more skillfully the next time we come up against it? Because it's one thing to acknowledge it, it's one thing to apologise, but sometimes a part of us holds out on fully accepting an apology or fully coming back into connection because we're still maybe having some fear or anxiety that it's just gonna happen again. And particularly if there has been more than one incident, if it has been a bit of a theme, it can be increasingly more difficult for us to accept an apology without some accompanying action or commitment as to like, why isn't this just gonna keep happening? Because without some behaviour change going forward, there's every chance that it will. So that's where we need to be able to open up a conversation. And again, I would advise that you try and frame that as, how can we do things differently rather than, what are you going to do? And again, context is everything here. If one person has very clearly done something inappropriate or breached a boundary or whatever, then it might be that that conversation is more revolving around what they are going to do differently or what commitments they are going to make. But as a general rule of thumb, the more collaborative you can be in any of these conversations, the more success you're likely to have because you don't want it to feel oppositional when you're in those moments of repair. So following that apology up with like, okay, well, what might we need to do here? What is this telling us or revealing to us about some cracks in our relationship or some things that we've maybe not been paying attention to? Or, you know, things that maybe need a bit more of our energy. Again, if the conflict has revealed some sort of like grievance or resentment or unmet need.
[00:20:31]:
Maybe you had a conflict because you were really stressed and you might say, I'm realising how burnt out I am and maybe how disconnected I've been feeling from you. Can we organise some time just for us over the next few weeks? Maybe we could have a weekly date night or whatever, right? Like there might be some action out of it that addresses the underlying cause of the conflict that happened, the rupture. Because so often those ruptures are like triggered by The little nothing thing that happened, and it is about some deeper unmet need of feeling disconnected, feeling like you're not a priority, missing your partner, feeling like there hasn't been as much warmth or affection, whatever. So being able to recognise that and connect those dots and then go, okay, well, how can we nurture this underlying thing? How can we tend to that so that we're not at breaking point, we're not as reactive, we're not like at the end of our tether, and we don't end up snapping at each other and hurting each other in these ways? Because so often the conflict is a symptom of something.
[00:21:27]:
Yeah.
[00:21:31]:
So when that is the case, being able to identify the something deeper, and again, so essential that you frame whatever that is, if it's something that you've been needing and not getting, not framing it in an accusatory, blaming way of, you never pay attention to me, or, all you care about is work, and like, that's just not gonna land well. Again, keep coming back to the spirit of connection and love and giving each other the benefit of the doubt and finding a joint path forward. So expressing that vulnerably rather than in an attacking way.
[00:21:59]:
Yeah.
[00:22:01]:
So like, I'm realising how much I've been missing you because you've been really busy with work. I think it would really help if we could carve out some quality time together. How does that sound to you? Or do you have any ideas around that?
[00:22:14]:
Right?
[00:22:15]:
Joint plan, vulnerable expression of needs rather than accusation and blame, and figuring out what might help to soothe those underlying triggers rather than just apologising for the incident as if it were isolated and saying like, I'm sorry about specifically what happened this morning. If you find yourself struggling to really accept those apologies or you don't feel like it's really been sufficient to make you feel better, sometimes it is because there's some deeper thing that needs to be expressed and tended to. So if there's some of that there, and this is where self-awareness and really mature self-advocacy can be really helpful. So bringing all of those skills in as well in these conversations is very, very valuable. Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of some key components of repair, how you might approach that in your relationships, whether romantic or otherwise. Again, this is very much a universal human relating skill rather than just a romantic one. I hope you found that helpful and the broader series around conflict and communication helpful.
[00:23:18]:
And I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
repair, relationships, conflict, attachment styles, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, communication, rupture, reconnection, romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, parent-child relationships, emotional labour, apology, ownership, acknowledgement, vulnerability, defensiveness, intention vs impact, validation, attunement, boundaries, betrayal, couples therapy, accountability, action plan, behavioural change, unmet needs, resentment
#275: Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex
In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still occupies so much of our mental and emotional energy, and not knowing how to untether ourselves from them (or perhaps not fully wanting to).
I'll share some thoughts on managing expectations around a break-up, the difference between thoughts and actions, and how you can move through a challenging period with self-respect and dignity.
The good news? Conflict is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
Few experiences are as emotionally consuming as trying to get over someone you loved.
You want to move on. You want to stop thinking about them. You want to wake up one morning and realize they no longer occupy every corner of your mind.
Instead, you find yourself replaying conversations, wondering what they're doing, imagining what you could have done differently, or feeling an overwhelming urge to reach out—even when you know it probably won't help.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
And perhaps most importantly, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
Why Breakups Feel So Overwhelming
Breakups are painful for everyone, but they're often especially difficult for people with anxious attachment patterns.
When someone you've relied on for emotional safety is suddenly gone, your nervous system doesn't simply shrug and move on. It perceives the loss as a significant threat, activating all of the protective strategies you've learned throughout your life.
That might look like:
Constantly thinking about your ex
Replaying the relationship over and over
Wondering what you could have done differently
Feeling an intense urge to contact them
Checking their social media
Looking for signs they'll come back
Feeling like you'll never be okay without them
These responses can feel frightening or even embarrassing, but they're actually very human. They're your nervous system trying to restore a sense of safety after losing someone who became deeply associated with it.
Stop Expecting Yourself to "Be Over It"
One of the biggest reasons people stay stuck after a breakup isn't simply because they're grieving.
It's because they're judging themselves for grieving.
We tell ourselves:
"I should be over this by now."
"Why am I still crying?"
"My ex seems fine—what's wrong with me?"
"This is pathetic."
These thoughts don't speed up healing. They simply add another layer of suffering.
Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and comparing your healing to someone else's—especially your ex's—rarely tells you anything useful. You don't know what they're actually experiencing, and measuring your progress against theirs only reinforces shame.
Instead of fighting your feelings, try allowing them.
Not because heartbreak feels good, but because healing begins when we stop treating our own pain like a problem that shouldn't exist.
Your Thoughts Aren't Instructions
One of the hardest parts of heartbreak is the constant mental loop.
"What if I texted them?"
"Maybe we just need one more conversation."
"What if I explained myself differently?"
"If I miss them this much, maybe they're supposed to be in my life."
These thoughts feel incredibly compelling.
But that doesn't mean they're true.
When we're grieving, our mind naturally searches for ways to escape the pain. It negotiates, ruminates, fantasizes, and replays every possible scenario in an attempt to regain a sense of control.
These thoughts are protective strategies—not reliable evidence that contacting your ex is the answer.
The key is learning to notice them without automatically acting on them.
Why Reaching Out Usually Doesn't Help
When you're desperate for relief, it can feel like talking to your ex is exactly what you need.
Unfortunately, that's rarely how it plays out.
Even if the interaction is warm or friendly, you're often left facing the same painful reality afterward: the relationship is still over.
In many cases, reaching out simply resets the healing process.
The temporary relief quickly fades, leaving you feeling even more heartbroken than before.
That's why creating clear boundaries—especially during the early stages of a breakup—is one of the greatest acts of self-care you can practice.
Focus on What You Can Control
One of the most empowering shifts after a breakup is recognizing the difference between what you can't control and what you can.
You can't control:
Whether you think about your ex.
Whether you miss them.
Whether memories come flooding back.
Whether certain days feel harder than others.
But you can control how you respond.
You can choose not to:
Check their social media.
Re-read old text messages.
Scroll through old photos.
Reach out every time the urge arises.
Feed the spiral that keeps you emotionally stuck.
This isn't about suppressing your feelings.
It's about making choices that support your healing instead of prolonging your pain.
Every time you choose not to act on an impulse, you're strengthening something incredibly important: your self-trust.
Healing Is About More Than Getting Over Someone
Many people think the goal is simply to stop thinking about their ex.
But the deeper work is learning that your wellbeing isn't dependent on another person's presence.
Every time you comfort yourself instead of seeking reassurance from someone who can no longer provide it...
Every time you choose self-respect over temporary relief...
Every time you sit with difficult emotions instead of trying to escape them...
You're building a more secure relationship with yourself.
That relationship becomes the foundation for every relationship that follows.
The Gift Hidden Inside Heartbreak
No one chooses heartbreak.
It's painful, exhausting, and often deeply lonely.
But it also offers an opportunity to practice something many of us have never truly learned:
How to stay with ourselves when life hurts.
Instead of abandoning yourself in the hope that someone else will make the pain disappear, healing invites you to become the person who offers yourself compassion, steadiness, and care.
That doesn't mean pretending you're okay.
It means reminding yourself:
"This is incredibly hard—and I'm going to get through it."
One small decision at a time.
One compassionate choice at a time.
One day at a time.
Eventually, you'll discover something that may feel impossible to believe right now:
You don't heal because you stop loving them.
You heal because you slowly learn to love—and trust—yourself again.
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[00:01:10]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to get over your ex. So Of course, this is one of the most challenging things that people experience when it comes to relationships and breakups. It's something that I answer questions on literally all the time. Anytime I do a Q&A on Instagram, and of course people in my programs, this is such a big thing. Feeling like we can't get over someone and really wanting to be over someone, wanting to be free of them, but feeling really stuck, feeling trapped in our emotions, feeling like all of our mental and emotional energy is still swirling in and around this person, feeling like they have a hold on us even after they left us, and feeling like that's preventing us from moving forward with our lives. And I think that that can leave us feeling really low, really beating ourselves up, really feeling bad about ourselves. And of course, at a time when our self-worth is already taking a hit from a relationship ending, particularly if we weren't the one who ended it, all of that can just make a hard situation even worse and can really prolong our suffering.
[00:02:23]:
So I know that this is something that a lot of people really struggle with, and it might not even be a recent breakup. I had someone ask me a question a couple of days ago, why am I still hung up on someone who broke up with me 3 years ago? So it's not just the person who left you last month. We can really attach to the meaning and the significance of the storeys around a breakup that happened years ago and struggle to really let go and move forward with our lives in a way that keeps our self-worth intact. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around Why this can happen, why we can feel so hung up on someone and feel like we can't let go of them, why it's actually very normal and part of the process, and how managing our expectations around that can be a big part of moving through it rather than being in resistance to whatever it is that we're feeling, and how we can ultimately come out the other side of that experience feeling clearer and stronger and more grounded in who we are, in our worth, and ultimately what we want for the future of our relationships, because I think that is the gift of a breakup. As I've always said, that yes, it's so painful. Yes, it can take us to like the depths of our wounds and bring us face to face with that. But that can really be a gift ultimately, if we know how to alchemize all of that pain and hurt into learnings and find a way to come out the other side as a bigger, stronger, more fully embodied version of ourselves who's really taken those experiences in their stride.
[00:03:53]:
Yeah.
[00:03:56]:
And decided to turn all of that pain into gold. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I get into that, I should say, if you're going through a breakup at the moment, I would love for you to come along to my free breakup training. I share 3 of the most common ways that people, particularly with anxious attachment patterns, which I know is most of my listeners, get stuck after a breakup and what you can do instead so that you can actually move through the breakup in a really healthy and ultimately empowering way that I believe can really make your breakup A net positive for your life rather than being this thing that sets off a downward spiral. Because I think, as I've spoken about so many times before on the podcast, if we don't see the breakup as an opportunity, if we don't decide to take back the reins and exert some agency over the process, and we just kind of let the breakup happen to us and knock us down and we spiral into that place of really low self-worth and shame, then almost always we will find ourselves in some version of the same relationship dynamic or pattern the next time.
00:04:56]:
Yeah.
[00:04:58]:
Because if we're entering relationships from a place of low self-worth, that sets us up for so many of our unhealthy relationship patterns. So if we want to do things differently, we have to really take the time and the space to, to look in the mirror, to own our part, to grieve all of the really difficult, upsetting, disappointing emotions, and disentangle those from some of the storeys that we can tell about why someone left us and how no one's ever going to choose us and all of those things that can take root when we're feeling really vulnerable and tender. So So I talk about all of that in this free training. You should definitely come along if you're going through a breakup, or maybe you went through a breakup some time ago, but you still feel like there's some unprocessed stuff there. I would love for you to come along. I think it'll be really helpful for you, and I'll put the link for that in the show notes. Okay, so let's get into this conversation around why you can't get over your ex and how you might go about doing that. So first and foremost, I am really big on Managing expectations when you're going through a breakup.
[00:05:59]:
And I think that part of why we struggle so much is that we have these really unrealistic expectations of, why aren't I over it yet? Why am I still in pain? And I think that in part comes from comparing ourselves to other people online, comparing ourselves to what we can see of our ex and how they're doing. And all of that is obviously unhelpful because all it does is make us feel worse about ourselves and make us feel like the ways in which we're struggling are somehow wrong or bad or pathetic or unusual. It just leaves us feeling like, I shouldn't be upset, I shouldn't be hurt, I shouldn't still be having a hard time with this. And of course, when there are parts of us that really are struggling, that are feeling vulnerable, that are feeling hurt and afraid and lonely, just turning our backs on those parts and trying to make that go away is the opposite of what we need. And so I think managing our expectations such that we welcome all of those feelings, not because it feels great to be in the depths of grief, to be feeling all of those really tricky, tender emotions, but because that's just the reality of where we're at. And that's actually a completely normal, expected part of going through a breakup. Because going through a breakup, losing someone who you love, is grief. And we wouldn't have those expectations or pressure on ourselves to skip past any other kind of grief and just get on with it and just be over it.
[00:07:24]:
And so I think that the more we can go into a breakup Expecting it to bring us to our knees and really allowing ourselves to be in that for as long as we need to be and really holding space and listening to those parts of us that are really hurting. I think that's just such a beautiful gift that you can give to yourself. And I think when we have that orientation when it comes to a breakup, then we're much less likely to have that shaming, judgmental inner voice that's telling us that we should be feeling fine. We should have bounced back. We should have gotten over it. We should have gotten on with things.
[00:07:57]:
Yeah.
[00:08:00]:
And I think it's from that place of feeling like we shouldn't be in pain that we go into all of the storeys because whenever we're trying to avoid feeling an emotion, we go into story, we go into analysis, we go into overthinking. That's a really, really great way of keeping ourselves from feeling. And that's something that folks with anxious attachment patterns are masterful at, whether it's a breakup or just in relationships. We think to avoid feeling. And I think in a breakup, when you're obsessively thinking about your ex, and what are they doing, and what are they thinking, and who are they seeing, and how are they feeling, and do they miss me? All of that spinning of the wheels is just a way for you to avoid sitting in the bigness of your own grief and coming face to face with the loss and the reality of your own sadness and disappointment and hurt and all of those things. So going into overdrive around obsessively thinking about them, ruminating constantly. Have they been online? What does that mean? Are they ignoring me? Do they wanna talk to me? Like, all of that is just busywork that is distracting you from the iceberg underneath. Because so many of us are quite inexperienced when it comes to grief, and I think culturally we've been conditioned to just try and keep a lid on it because it feels like it might swallow us whole and we don't really wanna go there.
[00:09:19]:
And particularly if you have anxious attachment patterns, we generally don't trust ourselves to be in difficult emotions. And that's why we can be so panicky when it comes to things that are worrying us, when it comes to our anxiety, when it comes to our fear, we tend to externalise that and try and grab at someone or something that'll make that go away. Because to actually just hold that, we don't have much experience with it and we don't really trust ourselves to go there and to come out the other side. So having to go through that process when you've just lost your attachment figure being your partner or your ex-partner, that can just feel like all of your worst fears. And it can feel like, I can't do that. I'm not equipped to do it. And so instead we go back to what is our default mode of scurrying around, obsessing about them, ruminating on what they're doing, because that's all we know, right? It's the same pattern that we have in relationships that we're then playing out in the breakup, is just obsess over everything to do with them and use that as a way to disconnect from our own inner world that we don't really know how to support or how to be with. So all of that to say, it makes a lot of sense that you find yourself in this place of not only deep grief and sadness, but all of the stuff that you do to try and distract yourself from that deep grief and sadness being the obsessing and the ruminating and the can't stop thinking and the storytelling and the what if and the maybe if I'd done this, or maybe I shouldn't have spoken up about that, and all of this internal negotiation that we do.
[00:10:45]:
All of that makes so much sense because that is you playing out your protective strategies, the same ones that you lean on in relationship as a way to try and keep yourself safe, try and avoid those difficult feelings. It's just that same mechanism playing out in the context of a breakup. But I think when we don't see that for what it is and we take our thoughts literally and we think, oh, it must mean something that I miss them, or I feel this really strong urge to reach out to them, or I just need to have one more conversation with them. When we take that as fact and we have this impulse and we feel like we have to act on it because if it feels this big, then it must be true or must be important. That's where we can really get ourselves into some trouble because obviously if we just keep following the anxious impulse, we're just going to find ourselves back in all of those patterns that are led by our anxiety, and that's ultimately not what we want. So I think it's really helpful to be able to almost step out of that and see it neutrally or see it as if you were a third-party observer and go, oh, okay, yeah, of course I'm doing all of those things because that's what I do. That's what I've learned to do. That's what I've been conditioned to do.
[00:11:53]:
And so of course, in my most vulnerable moments, that's where my system is going to try and take me so that I don't have to feel. But I don't actually just have to blindly follow that. I can see that for what it is and actually wrap it up with so much compassion and recognition of like, yeah, well, of course, like, of course my system's trying to protect me from the vastness of that grief. But my job, me as separate from my anxiety, my job is to lead us through this tunnel in a way that feels more value-aligned and that has some sense of North Star around what is really best for me. How can I best support myself? What does my next chapter look like? And how can I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, prioritising my wellbeing, making good choices rather than choices that are reactive and impulsive and led by anxiety and fear and scarcity? And that's ultimately how you keep your self-worth intact and rebuild it and build self-respect and self-trust is by making good decisions. Even in those moments where you feel like the only thing that could possibly make it better is to talk to them or see them or get back together with them. Just being able to see that that is like the essence of your anxious attachment is my system's in overdrive. I desperately need to reestablish connection with the person who I associate with attachment security.
[00:13:14]:
Even if it was a really insecure relationship, at a fundamental level, your system has developed this attachment bond with this person. And so that bond being severed, everything within you says like, go to them and make it better. And if we can just see that for what it is and go, okay, yeah, that's how I'm wired when it comes to relationships. And maybe part of my healing, part of my growth, part of the gift of this breakup is that I'm not just going to do what my system's urging me to do, which ultimately is an expression of the patterns that I may be trying to shift away from. And maybe I can actually go, okay, I see that and I feel that urge. And of course that's there, but what would it look like to take care of myself in this? What would it look like to really respect and honour myself in this? What would it look like to value my worth and steward myself into my next chapter from a place of real grace and dignity rather than this desperate scrambling of how do I make the pain go away as quickly as possible? Because when we do that, ultimately we're going to prolong the suffering because those band-aid short-term relief approaches never really solve the problem. They're not going to make the pain go away. They're not going to solve your grief.
[00:14:29]:
Your grief is still going to be there. It's just a way to kick the can down the road the tiniest little bit. And so I think we have to actually build our self-trust to be in the bigness of those emotions rather than just Either busying ourselves with all of the rumination and the obsessing, or just trying to make it all go away by reestablishing contact and reaching out or seeing our ex again. Because of course, that voice in your head is so persuasive telling you to do that and telling you like, maybe just one more conversation, maybe we should just meet up one more time. But having supported thousands of people who are moving through a breakup, I've got a decent data set, albeit anecdotal. And I can tell you that almost always you'll feel worse after that because it doesn't tend to change anything. Even if it's a pleasant interaction with your ex, unless you get back together off the back of it, which doesn't tend to happen, then you're just gonna feel worse when you come out of it because you've had this nice interaction and then they're still gone. They're still not yours anymore.
[00:15:33]:
They've still left you. So best case scenario, you still feel like shit afterwards. Worst case scenario, you talk to them and have some sort of conflict or rupture or argument. And then of course you feel bad after that as well. So it's rare that that's actually the thing that's going to bring you lasting relief. And I think it's good to be pretty clear-eyed and honest with ourselves about that, even at the same time as those parts of us that are really having a hard time will try and convince us otherwise. I think it's important as well to acknowledge that sometimes when we are obsessively thinking about our ex and we tell ourselves the storey of I can't stop thinking about them. I can't get over them.
[00:16:15]:
I can't let go. I find that it's very helpful to try and monitor those storeys and as much as possible avoid using that language because the more you repeat that storey to yourself, and I often will push back on people who are saying like, I can't stop obsessing about them, or I can't help myself from calling them or whatever it might be. I think that sometimes when we say that, we're actually giving ourselves a bit of a permission slip to continue engaging in the dysfunctional, unhealthy behaviour because So basically saying, I'm not strong enough. I don't have the willpower. I don't have the discipline. My impulses are stronger than my ability to make good choices. So my hands are tied. And I think that's a very, very disempowering storey to keep on telling yourself and to keep telling other people because it absolutely erodes your self-respect and your self-trust.
[00:17:06]:
You're basically saying, I'm not a trustworthy person. I don't make good decisions and I can't make good decisions. And that's just One, not honest, and two, not helpful at all. So if I can give you a bit of tough love around that, it would be to say, drop the storey of, I can't help it, because it just doesn't serve you, and it will keep you stuck in a place where you ultimately feel a lot of shame, and I don't think that that's what you need. Instead, try and formulate a storey that's a little more nuanced and a little more honest, like, I'm having an incredibly hard time not reaching out to them. Everything in my system is urging me to contact them, and I am going to do my absolute utmost best to not follow that impulse because I know that what's best for me is to focus on myself and keep some clear boundaries and really support my own wellbeing, right? That's a much more honest and a much more empowering storey that really takes ownership rather than just saying, oh, I can't stop thinking about them, I can't help it. Another tip around this, which I'll often give to students in my breakup program, is like the, I can't stop thinking about them. That might be true.
[00:18:14]:
And when people say like, how do I stop myself from about them. Trying to stop yourself from thinking about someone or something is really futile because all of that energy that you're expending on, how do I stop thinking about it, is just another version of thinking about it, right? And I think that we don't have that much control over our thoughts. So trying to make a thought not be there is not a good use of your time and energy. So I think the more self-responsible, empowering way to go about that is The thoughts are gonna come and go, and that's fine. Again, have reasonable expectations around what this is gonna look like. So like, yeah, of course your ex is going to be on your mind as you're going through a breakup. Of course they are. It's a really big thing that you're moving through, and expecting that they're not going to be on your mind is almost unrealistic.
[00:19:02]:
So don't be hard on yourself about that. That's normal. You're fine. You're allowed to think about your ex. I think where you can exert some agency and where you can intervene in that process is acting on the thoughts. So yes, you can have a lot of thoughts about what they might be doing. You don't have to go and stalk their Instagram because that's an action, that's a choice. And yes, it might be a choice that's very much urged on by the thoughts that you're having, but those actions that you take are where you can actually come up to the intersection and go, okay, everything in my system's telling me to turn left, but I'm going to turn right because I know that that's the good choice for me here.
[00:19:39]:
So realising where you have control and where you can exert agency.
[00:19:42]:
Yeah.
[00:19:44]:
and focusing all of your energy there rather than, how do I stop the thoughts? Which is ultimately futile. And again, will just leave you in this mode of feeling like you're doing something wrong, feeling like a failure, feeling pathetic because you can't stop thinking about them. It's like, yeah, okay, let's reframe that as, I'm having a lot of thoughts about my ex because of course I am. I'm going through a breakup and I'm having a hard time, but I don't have to stalk them on Instagram. I don't have to reread our old messages. I don't have to look at photos that are going to upset me. I don't have to reach out to them. I don't have scratch the itch by taking the thought and then acting on it in some way that's going to make it worse and keep the spiral going.
[00:20:24]:
So that's the part where you actually have some control, and you should really be focusing your efforts on making good choices in those moments and having really clean, clear boundaries for yourself around the behaviours that you engage in that will almost certainly make it worse and prolong the suffering. So validating that like, yeah, of course, of course I'm having a hard time. Of course I'm thinking about them. Of course I'm wondering how they're going, but I don't have to act on the thoughts. And that's really where I get to take back the reins, where I get to take back some control over my situation and really powerfully rebuild my self-trust and my self-respect and my self-worth by making good choices in those really vulnerable moments. Because that's how we do things differently, is actually just not giving in to the impulse, not giving in to the fear and the scarcity and the longing and the sense of only they can make this better. The more you do that, the more you entrench that storey of, I need them in order to be okay. And that's ultimately a big part of your work, whether it's with this person or the next one, is disentangling yourself from the, I need them in order to be okay story, because it's not true.
[00:21:33]:
And it's the thing that kicks off so many of your other patterns in relationship around abandonment and rejection and unworthiness and jealousy and all of the things. We need to learn to be able to take care of ourselves in those moments, not in a way where we don't need other people, but certainly in a way where we can do that for ourselves. And I think that's the gift of a breakup, even in those really, really dark, hard moments, is being able to show up for ourselves lovingly and compassionately and supportively and being able to say, this is so hard and we're going to get through this. So that is my message for you. If you are going through a breakup, if you are struggling to get over your ex, it really is a matter of Recognizing that that is going to be a challenging thing, recognising that if you're anxiously attached in particular and you're going through a breakup, that that is going to be harder for you than it would be someone else. We know that people with anxious attachment patterns have a particularly hard time with breakups. So stop comparing yourself to other people and then wondering why you're not over it as quickly as they are. It's just not helpful at all.
[00:22:38]:
Again, I talk about this in my free breakup training, so that's definitely worth coming along to. But have reasonable expectations, know what you're gonna be in for, and then get really clear around what is the self-honoring, self-respecting, compassionate, wise thing for me to do here that isn't just collapsing into, I need them to make it all better. And put one foot in front of the other, make good choices, recognise that the thoughts are gonna be there, and there'll be some days that are easier and some days that are harder, but just keep Keep inching forward and trusting that the sum of those good decisions is going to lead you to a really beautiful place. And you will be so much better off for having really honoured yourself in that way and kept your head held high and having acted with dignity and grace and all of those things. You really can't go wrong there. And it doesn't mean that the breakup's going to be easy breezy, but it can certainly make a huge difference to both how you move through it and how you come out the other side. Okay guys, thank you so much for joining me. I hope this has been helpful and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
breakup, getting over your ex, self-worth, anxious attachment, relationship patterns, moving on, grief, emotional healing, ruminating, obsessive thoughts, self-respect, boundaries, agency, emotional pain, recovery after breakup, personal growth, breakup training, healing process, self-trust, letting go, comparing yourself to others, self-honouring, dignity, breakups and mental health, self-compassion, managing expectations, intrusive thoughts, attachment bonds, emotional resilience, overcoming heartbreak