#275: Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex
In today's episode, we're talking about why you struggle to "get over" your ex. This is something so many people struggle with when it comes to break-ups — feeling like the person who left us still occupies so much of our mental and emotional energy, and not knowing how to untether ourselves from them (or perhaps not fully wanting to).
I'll share some thoughts on managing expectations around a break-up, the difference between thoughts and actions, and how you can move through a challenging period with self-respect and dignity.
The good news? Conflict is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
Few experiences are as emotionally consuming as trying to get over someone you loved.
You want to move on. You want to stop thinking about them. You want to wake up one morning and realize they no longer occupy every corner of your mind.
Instead, you find yourself replaying conversations, wondering what they're doing, imagining what you could have done differently, or feeling an overwhelming urge to reach out—even when you know it probably won't help.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
And perhaps most importantly, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
Why Breakups Feel So Overwhelming
Breakups are painful for everyone, but they're often especially difficult for people with anxious attachment patterns.
When someone you've relied on for emotional safety is suddenly gone, your nervous system doesn't simply shrug and move on. It perceives the loss as a significant threat, activating all of the protective strategies you've learned throughout your life.
That might look like:
Constantly thinking about your ex
Replaying the relationship over and over
Wondering what you could have done differently
Feeling an intense urge to contact them
Checking their social media
Looking for signs they'll come back
Feeling like you'll never be okay without them
These responses can feel frightening or even embarrassing, but they're actually very human. They're your nervous system trying to restore a sense of safety after losing someone who became deeply associated with it.
Stop Expecting Yourself to "Be Over It"
One of the biggest reasons people stay stuck after a breakup isn't simply because they're grieving.
It's because they're judging themselves for grieving.
We tell ourselves:
"I should be over this by now."
"Why am I still crying?"
"My ex seems fine—what's wrong with me?"
"This is pathetic."
These thoughts don't speed up healing. They simply add another layer of suffering.
Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and comparing your healing to someone else's—especially your ex's—rarely tells you anything useful. You don't know what they're actually experiencing, and measuring your progress against theirs only reinforces shame.
Instead of fighting your feelings, try allowing them.
Not because heartbreak feels good, but because healing begins when we stop treating our own pain like a problem that shouldn't exist.
Your Thoughts Aren't Instructions
One of the hardest parts of heartbreak is the constant mental loop.
"What if I texted them?"
"Maybe we just need one more conversation."
"What if I explained myself differently?"
"If I miss them this much, maybe they're supposed to be in my life."
These thoughts feel incredibly compelling.
But that doesn't mean they're true.
When we're grieving, our mind naturally searches for ways to escape the pain. It negotiates, ruminates, fantasizes, and replays every possible scenario in an attempt to regain a sense of control.
These thoughts are protective strategies—not reliable evidence that contacting your ex is the answer.
The key is learning to notice them without automatically acting on them.
Why Reaching Out Usually Doesn't Help
When you're desperate for relief, it can feel like talking to your ex is exactly what you need.
Unfortunately, that's rarely how it plays out.
Even if the interaction is warm or friendly, you're often left facing the same painful reality afterward: the relationship is still over.
In many cases, reaching out simply resets the healing process.
The temporary relief quickly fades, leaving you feeling even more heartbroken than before.
That's why creating clear boundaries—especially during the early stages of a breakup—is one of the greatest acts of self-care you can practice.
Focus on What You Can Control
One of the most empowering shifts after a breakup is recognizing the difference between what you can't control and what you can.
You can't control:
Whether you think about your ex.
Whether you miss them.
Whether memories come flooding back.
Whether certain days feel harder than others.
But you can control how you respond.
You can choose not to:
Check their social media.
Re-read old text messages.
Scroll through old photos.
Reach out every time the urge arises.
Feed the spiral that keeps you emotionally stuck.
This isn't about suppressing your feelings.
It's about making choices that support your healing instead of prolonging your pain.
Every time you choose not to act on an impulse, you're strengthening something incredibly important: your self-trust.
Healing Is About More Than Getting Over Someone
Many people think the goal is simply to stop thinking about their ex.
But the deeper work is learning that your wellbeing isn't dependent on another person's presence.
Every time you comfort yourself instead of seeking reassurance from someone who can no longer provide it...
Every time you choose self-respect over temporary relief...
Every time you sit with difficult emotions instead of trying to escape them...
You're building a more secure relationship with yourself.
That relationship becomes the foundation for every relationship that follows.
The Gift Hidden Inside Heartbreak
No one chooses heartbreak.
It's painful, exhausting, and often deeply lonely.
But it also offers an opportunity to practice something many of us have never truly learned:
How to stay with ourselves when life hurts.
Instead of abandoning yourself in the hope that someone else will make the pain disappear, healing invites you to become the person who offers yourself compassion, steadiness, and care.
That doesn't mean pretending you're okay.
It means reminding yourself:
"This is incredibly hard—and I'm going to get through it."
One small decision at a time.
One compassionate choice at a time.
One day at a time.
Eventually, you'll discover something that may feel impossible to believe right now:
You don't heal because you stop loving them.
You heal because you slowly learn to love—and trust—yourself again.
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[00:01:10]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to get over your ex. So Of course, this is one of the most challenging things that people experience when it comes to relationships and breakups. It's something that I answer questions on literally all the time. Anytime I do a Q&A on Instagram, and of course people in my programs, this is such a big thing. Feeling like we can't get over someone and really wanting to be over someone, wanting to be free of them, but feeling really stuck, feeling trapped in our emotions, feeling like all of our mental and emotional energy is still swirling in and around this person, feeling like they have a hold on us even after they left us, and feeling like that's preventing us from moving forward with our lives. And I think that that can leave us feeling really low, really beating ourselves up, really feeling bad about ourselves. And of course, at a time when our self-worth is already taking a hit from a relationship ending, particularly if we weren't the one who ended it, all of that can just make a hard situation even worse and can really prolong our suffering.
[00:02:23]:
So I know that this is something that a lot of people really struggle with, and it might not even be a recent breakup. I had someone ask me a question a couple of days ago, why am I still hung up on someone who broke up with me 3 years ago? So it's not just the person who left you last month. We can really attach to the meaning and the significance of the storeys around a breakup that happened years ago and struggle to really let go and move forward with our lives in a way that keeps our self-worth intact. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around Why this can happen, why we can feel so hung up on someone and feel like we can't let go of them, why it's actually very normal and part of the process, and how managing our expectations around that can be a big part of moving through it rather than being in resistance to whatever it is that we're feeling, and how we can ultimately come out the other side of that experience feeling clearer and stronger and more grounded in who we are, in our worth, and ultimately what we want for the future of our relationships, because I think that is the gift of a breakup. As I've always said, that yes, it's so painful. Yes, it can take us to like the depths of our wounds and bring us face to face with that. But that can really be a gift ultimately, if we know how to alchemize all of that pain and hurt into learnings and find a way to come out the other side as a bigger, stronger, more fully embodied version of ourselves who's really taken those experiences in their stride.
[00:03:53]:
Yeah.
[00:03:56]:
And decided to turn all of that pain into gold. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I get into that, I should say, if you're going through a breakup at the moment, I would love for you to come along to my free breakup training. I share 3 of the most common ways that people, particularly with anxious attachment patterns, which I know is most of my listeners, get stuck after a breakup and what you can do instead so that you can actually move through the breakup in a really healthy and ultimately empowering way that I believe can really make your breakup A net positive for your life rather than being this thing that sets off a downward spiral. Because I think, as I've spoken about so many times before on the podcast, if we don't see the breakup as an opportunity, if we don't decide to take back the reins and exert some agency over the process, and we just kind of let the breakup happen to us and knock us down and we spiral into that place of really low self-worth and shame, then almost always we will find ourselves in some version of the same relationship dynamic or pattern the next time.
00:04:56]:
Yeah.
[00:04:58]:
Because if we're entering relationships from a place of low self-worth, that sets us up for so many of our unhealthy relationship patterns. So if we want to do things differently, we have to really take the time and the space to, to look in the mirror, to own our part, to grieve all of the really difficult, upsetting, disappointing emotions, and disentangle those from some of the storeys that we can tell about why someone left us and how no one's ever going to choose us and all of those things that can take root when we're feeling really vulnerable and tender. So So I talk about all of that in this free training. You should definitely come along if you're going through a breakup, or maybe you went through a breakup some time ago, but you still feel like there's some unprocessed stuff there. I would love for you to come along. I think it'll be really helpful for you, and I'll put the link for that in the show notes. Okay, so let's get into this conversation around why you can't get over your ex and how you might go about doing that. So first and foremost, I am really big on Managing expectations when you're going through a breakup.
[00:05:59]:
And I think that part of why we struggle so much is that we have these really unrealistic expectations of, why aren't I over it yet? Why am I still in pain? And I think that in part comes from comparing ourselves to other people online, comparing ourselves to what we can see of our ex and how they're doing. And all of that is obviously unhelpful because all it does is make us feel worse about ourselves and make us feel like the ways in which we're struggling are somehow wrong or bad or pathetic or unusual. It just leaves us feeling like, I shouldn't be upset, I shouldn't be hurt, I shouldn't still be having a hard time with this. And of course, when there are parts of us that really are struggling, that are feeling vulnerable, that are feeling hurt and afraid and lonely, just turning our backs on those parts and trying to make that go away is the opposite of what we need. And so I think managing our expectations such that we welcome all of those feelings, not because it feels great to be in the depths of grief, to be feeling all of those really tricky, tender emotions, but because that's just the reality of where we're at. And that's actually a completely normal, expected part of going through a breakup. Because going through a breakup, losing someone who you love, is grief. And we wouldn't have those expectations or pressure on ourselves to skip past any other kind of grief and just get on with it and just be over it.
[00:07:24]:
And so I think that the more we can go into a breakup Expecting it to bring us to our knees and really allowing ourselves to be in that for as long as we need to be and really holding space and listening to those parts of us that are really hurting. I think that's just such a beautiful gift that you can give to yourself. And I think when we have that orientation when it comes to a breakup, then we're much less likely to have that shaming, judgmental inner voice that's telling us that we should be feeling fine. We should have bounced back. We should have gotten over it. We should have gotten on with things.
[00:07:57]:
Yeah.
[00:08:00]:
And I think it's from that place of feeling like we shouldn't be in pain that we go into all of the storeys because whenever we're trying to avoid feeling an emotion, we go into story, we go into analysis, we go into overthinking. That's a really, really great way of keeping ourselves from feeling. And that's something that folks with anxious attachment patterns are masterful at, whether it's a breakup or just in relationships. We think to avoid feeling. And I think in a breakup, when you're obsessively thinking about your ex, and what are they doing, and what are they thinking, and who are they seeing, and how are they feeling, and do they miss me? All of that spinning of the wheels is just a way for you to avoid sitting in the bigness of your own grief and coming face to face with the loss and the reality of your own sadness and disappointment and hurt and all of those things. So going into overdrive around obsessively thinking about them, ruminating constantly. Have they been online? What does that mean? Are they ignoring me? Do they wanna talk to me? Like, all of that is just busywork that is distracting you from the iceberg underneath. Because so many of us are quite inexperienced when it comes to grief, and I think culturally we've been conditioned to just try and keep a lid on it because it feels like it might swallow us whole and we don't really wanna go there.
[00:09:19]:
And particularly if you have anxious attachment patterns, we generally don't trust ourselves to be in difficult emotions. And that's why we can be so panicky when it comes to things that are worrying us, when it comes to our anxiety, when it comes to our fear, we tend to externalise that and try and grab at someone or something that'll make that go away. Because to actually just hold that, we don't have much experience with it and we don't really trust ourselves to go there and to come out the other side. So having to go through that process when you've just lost your attachment figure being your partner or your ex-partner, that can just feel like all of your worst fears. And it can feel like, I can't do that. I'm not equipped to do it. And so instead we go back to what is our default mode of scurrying around, obsessing about them, ruminating on what they're doing, because that's all we know, right? It's the same pattern that we have in relationships that we're then playing out in the breakup, is just obsess over everything to do with them and use that as a way to disconnect from our own inner world that we don't really know how to support or how to be with. So all of that to say, it makes a lot of sense that you find yourself in this place of not only deep grief and sadness, but all of the stuff that you do to try and distract yourself from that deep grief and sadness being the obsessing and the ruminating and the can't stop thinking and the storytelling and the what if and the maybe if I'd done this, or maybe I shouldn't have spoken up about that, and all of this internal negotiation that we do.
[00:10:45]:
All of that makes so much sense because that is you playing out your protective strategies, the same ones that you lean on in relationship as a way to try and keep yourself safe, try and avoid those difficult feelings. It's just that same mechanism playing out in the context of a breakup. But I think when we don't see that for what it is and we take our thoughts literally and we think, oh, it must mean something that I miss them, or I feel this really strong urge to reach out to them, or I just need to have one more conversation with them. When we take that as fact and we have this impulse and we feel like we have to act on it because if it feels this big, then it must be true or must be important. That's where we can really get ourselves into some trouble because obviously if we just keep following the anxious impulse, we're just going to find ourselves back in all of those patterns that are led by our anxiety, and that's ultimately not what we want. So I think it's really helpful to be able to almost step out of that and see it neutrally or see it as if you were a third-party observer and go, oh, okay, yeah, of course I'm doing all of those things because that's what I do. That's what I've learned to do. That's what I've been conditioned to do.
[00:11:53]:
And so of course, in my most vulnerable moments, that's where my system is going to try and take me so that I don't have to feel. But I don't actually just have to blindly follow that. I can see that for what it is and actually wrap it up with so much compassion and recognition of like, yeah, well, of course, like, of course my system's trying to protect me from the vastness of that grief. But my job, me as separate from my anxiety, my job is to lead us through this tunnel in a way that feels more value-aligned and that has some sense of North Star around what is really best for me. How can I best support myself? What does my next chapter look like? And how can I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, prioritising my wellbeing, making good choices rather than choices that are reactive and impulsive and led by anxiety and fear and scarcity? And that's ultimately how you keep your self-worth intact and rebuild it and build self-respect and self-trust is by making good decisions. Even in those moments where you feel like the only thing that could possibly make it better is to talk to them or see them or get back together with them. Just being able to see that that is like the essence of your anxious attachment is my system's in overdrive. I desperately need to reestablish connection with the person who I associate with attachment security.
[00:13:14]:
Even if it was a really insecure relationship, at a fundamental level, your system has developed this attachment bond with this person. And so that bond being severed, everything within you says like, go to them and make it better. And if we can just see that for what it is and go, okay, yeah, that's how I'm wired when it comes to relationships. And maybe part of my healing, part of my growth, part of the gift of this breakup is that I'm not just going to do what my system's urging me to do, which ultimately is an expression of the patterns that I may be trying to shift away from. And maybe I can actually go, okay, I see that and I feel that urge. And of course that's there, but what would it look like to take care of myself in this? What would it look like to really respect and honour myself in this? What would it look like to value my worth and steward myself into my next chapter from a place of real grace and dignity rather than this desperate scrambling of how do I make the pain go away as quickly as possible? Because when we do that, ultimately we're going to prolong the suffering because those band-aid short-term relief approaches never really solve the problem. They're not going to make the pain go away. They're not going to solve your grief.
[00:14:29]:
Your grief is still going to be there. It's just a way to kick the can down the road the tiniest little bit. And so I think we have to actually build our self-trust to be in the bigness of those emotions rather than just Either busying ourselves with all of the rumination and the obsessing, or just trying to make it all go away by reestablishing contact and reaching out or seeing our ex again. Because of course, that voice in your head is so persuasive telling you to do that and telling you like, maybe just one more conversation, maybe we should just meet up one more time. But having supported thousands of people who are moving through a breakup, I've got a decent data set, albeit anecdotal. And I can tell you that almost always you'll feel worse after that because it doesn't tend to change anything. Even if it's a pleasant interaction with your ex, unless you get back together off the back of it, which doesn't tend to happen, then you're just gonna feel worse when you come out of it because you've had this nice interaction and then they're still gone. They're still not yours anymore.
[00:15:33]:
They've still left you. So best case scenario, you still feel like shit afterwards. Worst case scenario, you talk to them and have some sort of conflict or rupture or argument. And then of course you feel bad after that as well. So it's rare that that's actually the thing that's going to bring you lasting relief. And I think it's good to be pretty clear-eyed and honest with ourselves about that, even at the same time as those parts of us that are really having a hard time will try and convince us otherwise. I think it's important as well to acknowledge that sometimes when we are obsessively thinking about our ex and we tell ourselves the storey of I can't stop thinking about them. I can't get over them.
[00:16:15]:
I can't let go. I find that it's very helpful to try and monitor those storeys and as much as possible avoid using that language because the more you repeat that storey to yourself, and I often will push back on people who are saying like, I can't stop obsessing about them, or I can't help myself from calling them or whatever it might be. I think that sometimes when we say that, we're actually giving ourselves a bit of a permission slip to continue engaging in the dysfunctional, unhealthy behaviour because So basically saying, I'm not strong enough. I don't have the willpower. I don't have the discipline. My impulses are stronger than my ability to make good choices. So my hands are tied. And I think that's a very, very disempowering storey to keep on telling yourself and to keep telling other people because it absolutely erodes your self-respect and your self-trust.
[00:17:06]:
You're basically saying, I'm not a trustworthy person. I don't make good decisions and I can't make good decisions. And that's just One, not honest, and two, not helpful at all. So if I can give you a bit of tough love around that, it would be to say, drop the storey of, I can't help it, because it just doesn't serve you, and it will keep you stuck in a place where you ultimately feel a lot of shame, and I don't think that that's what you need. Instead, try and formulate a storey that's a little more nuanced and a little more honest, like, I'm having an incredibly hard time not reaching out to them. Everything in my system is urging me to contact them, and I am going to do my absolute utmost best to not follow that impulse because I know that what's best for me is to focus on myself and keep some clear boundaries and really support my own wellbeing, right? That's a much more honest and a much more empowering storey that really takes ownership rather than just saying, oh, I can't stop thinking about them, I can't help it. Another tip around this, which I'll often give to students in my breakup program, is like the, I can't stop thinking about them. That might be true.
[00:18:14]:
And when people say like, how do I stop myself from about them. Trying to stop yourself from thinking about someone or something is really futile because all of that energy that you're expending on, how do I stop thinking about it, is just another version of thinking about it, right? And I think that we don't have that much control over our thoughts. So trying to make a thought not be there is not a good use of your time and energy. So I think the more self-responsible, empowering way to go about that is The thoughts are gonna come and go, and that's fine. Again, have reasonable expectations around what this is gonna look like. So like, yeah, of course your ex is going to be on your mind as you're going through a breakup. Of course they are. It's a really big thing that you're moving through, and expecting that they're not going to be on your mind is almost unrealistic.
[00:19:02]:
So don't be hard on yourself about that. That's normal. You're fine. You're allowed to think about your ex. I think where you can exert some agency and where you can intervene in that process is acting on the thoughts. So yes, you can have a lot of thoughts about what they might be doing. You don't have to go and stalk their Instagram because that's an action, that's a choice. And yes, it might be a choice that's very much urged on by the thoughts that you're having, but those actions that you take are where you can actually come up to the intersection and go, okay, everything in my system's telling me to turn left, but I'm going to turn right because I know that that's the good choice for me here.
[00:19:39]:
So realising where you have control and where you can exert agency.
[00:19:42]:
Yeah.
[00:19:44]:
and focusing all of your energy there rather than, how do I stop the thoughts? Which is ultimately futile. And again, will just leave you in this mode of feeling like you're doing something wrong, feeling like a failure, feeling pathetic because you can't stop thinking about them. It's like, yeah, okay, let's reframe that as, I'm having a lot of thoughts about my ex because of course I am. I'm going through a breakup and I'm having a hard time, but I don't have to stalk them on Instagram. I don't have to reread our old messages. I don't have to look at photos that are going to upset me. I don't have to reach out to them. I don't have scratch the itch by taking the thought and then acting on it in some way that's going to make it worse and keep the spiral going.
[00:20:24]:
So that's the part where you actually have some control, and you should really be focusing your efforts on making good choices in those moments and having really clean, clear boundaries for yourself around the behaviours that you engage in that will almost certainly make it worse and prolong the suffering. So validating that like, yeah, of course, of course I'm having a hard time. Of course I'm thinking about them. Of course I'm wondering how they're going, but I don't have to act on the thoughts. And that's really where I get to take back the reins, where I get to take back some control over my situation and really powerfully rebuild my self-trust and my self-respect and my self-worth by making good choices in those really vulnerable moments. Because that's how we do things differently, is actually just not giving in to the impulse, not giving in to the fear and the scarcity and the longing and the sense of only they can make this better. The more you do that, the more you entrench that storey of, I need them in order to be okay. And that's ultimately a big part of your work, whether it's with this person or the next one, is disentangling yourself from the, I need them in order to be okay story, because it's not true.
[00:21:33]:
And it's the thing that kicks off so many of your other patterns in relationship around abandonment and rejection and unworthiness and jealousy and all of the things. We need to learn to be able to take care of ourselves in those moments, not in a way where we don't need other people, but certainly in a way where we can do that for ourselves. And I think that's the gift of a breakup, even in those really, really dark, hard moments, is being able to show up for ourselves lovingly and compassionately and supportively and being able to say, this is so hard and we're going to get through this. So that is my message for you. If you are going through a breakup, if you are struggling to get over your ex, it really is a matter of Recognizing that that is going to be a challenging thing, recognising that if you're anxiously attached in particular and you're going through a breakup, that that is going to be harder for you than it would be someone else. We know that people with anxious attachment patterns have a particularly hard time with breakups. So stop comparing yourself to other people and then wondering why you're not over it as quickly as they are. It's just not helpful at all.
[00:22:38]:
Again, I talk about this in my free breakup training, so that's definitely worth coming along to. But have reasonable expectations, know what you're gonna be in for, and then get really clear around what is the self-honoring, self-respecting, compassionate, wise thing for me to do here that isn't just collapsing into, I need them to make it all better. And put one foot in front of the other, make good choices, recognise that the thoughts are gonna be there, and there'll be some days that are easier and some days that are harder, but just keep Keep inching forward and trusting that the sum of those good decisions is going to lead you to a really beautiful place. And you will be so much better off for having really honoured yourself in that way and kept your head held high and having acted with dignity and grace and all of those things. You really can't go wrong there. And it doesn't mean that the breakup's going to be easy breezy, but it can certainly make a huge difference to both how you move through it and how you come out the other side. Okay guys, thank you so much for joining me. I hope this has been helpful and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
breakup, getting over your ex, self-worth, anxious attachment, relationship patterns, moving on, grief, emotional healing, ruminating, obsessive thoughts, self-respect, boundaries, agency, emotional pain, recovery after breakup, personal growth, breakup training, healing process, self-trust, letting go, comparing yourself to others, self-honouring, dignity, breakups and mental health, self-compassion, managing expectations, intrusive thoughts, attachment bonds, emotional resilience, overcoming heartbreak
#274: Attachment & Conflict (Part 3): How to Experience Healthier Conflict
Conflict is one of those inevitable parts of relationships that most of us never actually learn how to navigate well.
Depending on our attachment patterns, we often default to one of two extremes: we either avoid conflict altogether or rush in with urgency, trying to resolve it as quickly as possible. Neither approach typically leads to the connection we're looking for.
The good news? Conflict is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
Conflict is one of those inevitable parts of relationships that most of us never actually learn how to navigate well.
Depending on our attachment patterns, we often default to one of two extremes: we either avoid conflict altogether or rush in with urgency, trying to resolve it as quickly as possible. Neither approach typically leads to the connection we're looking for.
The good news? Conflict is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
Whether you're navigating disagreements with a romantic partner, a family member, a friend, or a colleague, learning how to approach conflict differently can transform the quality of your relationships. It's not about eliminating conflict altogether—it's about learning how to move through it in ways that deepen trust rather than damage it.
Shift Your Mindset About Conflict
One of the biggest barriers to healthy conflict is the belief that someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong.
When we enter disagreements trying to prove our case, defend ourselves, or convince the other person that our experience is the "correct" one, we quickly become trapped in a cycle of blame and defensiveness.
Instead, try shifting your perspective.
Rather than seeing yourselves as opponents, view the unhealthy communication pattern as the problem. It's no longer me versus you—it's us versus the pattern.
This subtle shift creates far more room for curiosity, empathy, and collaboration.
Don't Be Afraid to Pause
When emotions escalate, it's tempting to keep pushing through the conversation in the hope of finally reaching resolution.
Ironically, that's often when we're least capable of having a productive discussion.
Healthy conflict sometimes means recognizing when neither of you is in the right headspace to continue. Taking a timeout isn't avoidance when it's done intentionally. It can be one of the healthiest things you do.
A pause gives both nervous systems time to settle so you can return to the conversation with more clarity, less reactivity, and a greater capacity to actually hear one another.
If You Have Anxious Attachment...
People with anxious attachment often experience conflict as deeply threatening. When emotions are activated, there's a natural impulse to seek reassurance, explain everything, and resolve the issue immediately.
While understandable, these habits can unintentionally make conflict more overwhelming for both people.
Slow Down and Say Less
When anxiety takes over, many people begin talking faster, saying more, and trying harder to make themselves understood.
The challenge is that the more overwhelmed your partner becomes, the less able they are to truly hear you.
Instead of filling every silence, allow space. Speak more slowly. Say less.
Giving your partner time to process often creates far more productive conversations than trying to fill every gap with more explanation.
Stay With One Issue
Another common tendency is bringing every previous example into the current conversation.
You may find yourself saying:
"This always happens."
"Remember last month when..."
"And it's not just this..."
While this often comes from a desire to feel understood, it usually leaves the other person feeling overwhelmed and defensive.
Keeping the conversation focused on one issue at a time makes it much easier for both people to stay engaged and actually resolve something.
Accept "Good Enough"
For many anxiously attached people, conflict doesn't feel fully resolved until there's absolute certainty that it will never happen again.
But relationships rarely offer that kind of guarantee.
Sometimes a healthy outcome isn't perfection—it's progress.
Being willing to accept an imperfect but genuine repair allows relationships to move forward instead of becoming stuck in endless cycles of reassurance-seeking.
If You Have Avoidant Attachment...
People with avoidant attachment often experience conflict very differently.
Rather than feeling compelled to move toward the conflict, they often feel overwhelmed, flooded, or unsure how to respond.
This can lead to shutting down, withdrawing, or becoming defensive.
Say What You're Experiencing
If you genuinely don't know what to say, say exactly that.
Simple statements like:
"I'm feeling overwhelmed."
"I need a minute to think."
"I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now."
are infinitely more connecting than going silent.
Your partner is usually far less distressed by hearing that you're overwhelmed than by trying to interpret silence.
Advocate for Yourself
Avoidant partners often swing between two extremes:
apologising simply to end the conversation
becoming defensive and rejecting everything being said
Neither approach creates genuine intimacy.
Healthy conflict means sharing your own internal experience honestly while also remaining open to hearing your partner's.
Your perspective matters too.
Avoid Dismissive Language
When conflict feels uncomfortable, it can be tempting to say things like:
"Here we go again."
"Do we really have to do this?"
"I'm not doing this."
Even if those comments are driven by overwhelm rather than malice, they often communicate something very different:
"Your feelings are a burden."
That kind of dismissal tends to intensify conflict rather than end it.
Healthy Conflict Is a Practice
No one handles conflict perfectly.
We all fall back into old patterns from time to time, particularly when we're stressed or emotionally activated.
The goal isn't perfection.
The goal is becoming more aware of your default responses and gradually replacing them with healthier ones.
When you learn to slow down, communicate more openly, tolerate discomfort, and remember that you're on the same team, conflict stops being something that threatens your relationship.
Instead, it becomes one of the very things that strengthens it.
Every disagreement is an opportunity to build greater understanding, deeper trust, and more emotional safety—provided you're willing to approach it differently.
Because healthy relationships aren't defined by the absence of conflict.
They're defined by how we repair, reconnect, and grow through it together.
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[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking once again about attachment and conflict. And today's episode, which is part 3, is all about tips for having more productive, healthier conflict in your relationships. And I think that this will really span all of your relationships in your life, not just romantic relationships. So it's not one that won't apply to you if you're not currently in a romantic relationship. I think overall conflict is a skill that most of us are lacking in. And as we've talked about in the previous 2 episodes in this series, depending on our makeup, we've probably habitually learned to move away from conflict or to rush in and kind of smother conflict, try to make it go away. But few of us have a really healthy, positive blueprint around what it means to go through conflict and rupture in relationships in a way that isn't really damaging and that isn't kind of solely about our self-protection, however that shows up.
[00:01:01]:
So being able to Actually taking a 360-degree view of the situation to honour our experience and the other person's experience is really like relationship mastery. And it will vastly improve every relationship in your life to cultivate these skills and to be humble enough to do that work, because I do think it takes a lot of humility and maturity to have conflict in a healthier way. So we're gonna be talking about some general tips for anyone in a relationship or otherwise, you know, how you should be thinking about conflict, ways that you might reposition your mindset to lessen the chance that you end up really stuck in a rut of villain and victim, me versus you, fighting over whose experience is the right one and both ending up feeling unheard and disconnected, which is of course not what we want, but often what happens. And then I'm going to go into specific tips for people with more anxious attachment patterns, as well as those with more avoidant attachment patterns, as I promised I would. As a follow-up to parts 1 and 2 of this series, which were kind of a deep dive on the experience of conflict from each of those perspectives. So if you haven't listened to parts 1 and 2, you may wanna do that before listening to this episode, or you can go back afterwards. It doesn't really matter terribly much. Before we get into today's episode, I did wanna remind you again that my program, the Secure Self Challenge, is coming back and it's kicking off next week.
[00:02:35]:
So in case you missed me talking about it, historically I've run the Secure Self Challenge as a 28-day challenge, but for the first time ever, I've decided to build it into an 8-week program, which is really all about building self-worth and becoming someone who you genuinely like and respect, and transforming that inner relationship as the foundation for transforming your other relationships in your life. And I would say your relationship to life more broadly. This is really the work for those of us in particular who anxious attachment patterns, although I will say that this programme is probably the least anxious attachment specific of my programs. So if you're someone with, for example, more fearful avoidant patterns, the Secure Self Challenge is also a really beautiful programme for you to consider. But tending to that broken inner relationship and starting to show up for ourselves, starting to really know ourselves, starting to back ourselves, starting to navigate life in a way that is self-honoring on every level. It allows us to rebalance our centre of gravity so that it's not over there and trying to control other people and obsessing over what they think of us or what they don't and whether they'll choose us or whether they'll leave us. All of that's so, so energy intensive and very, very draining, and it just takes us further and further away from ourselves, and we feel really lost and alone and vulnerable when we're living and relating from that place. So the Secure Self Challenge is all about bringing yourself back to base and rebuilding building that foundation, not so that you don't need to go and be in relationship and you can just be your own island of solitude and independence.
[00:04:12]:
That's not at all the point. It's just that we relate really differently when we are comfortable with who we are and we know what we want and we're willing to stand behind that. So if that sounds like something that you might want or need, I would love to invite you into the challenge. It'll be a really beautiful opportunity to do this work with me and with other people who get it. It's a very community-focused Yeah. So there's plenty of interaction with me, with others, live calls. There's a community space, all of the things in addition to the video modules, which you can do in your own time. And so there's still a few more days to join, but the early bird price will be ending tomorrow.
[00:04:53]:
So if you are at all considering joining, today's a really good day to do it. We won't be extending that early bird price to anyone who reaches out after the deadline. So the link to all of that is in the show notes. There's all of the information on my website, you know, the full curriculum, FAQs, all of the things. So go cheque it out if you're at all interested and consider joining us for the challenge, which kicks off next week. Okay, so let's talk about how to have healthier conflict. Now, as I said in the introduction, I think a really key overarching piece is ensuring that you are both approaching the whole idea of conflict in your relationship from as constructive and collaborative a place as possible. Because as we all know from experience, it's really, really easy to slip into this very antagonistic, oppositional mindset of needing to figure out who's wrong and who's right and whose experience is more valid and whose behaviour is justified having regard to the other person who started it and all of the things, right? And naturally, of course, we live in our own experience and that's how we see the world.
[00:06:00]:
So of course we think that we only did our thing because they did their thing first. And that's always going to feel true to both of us. We think that we're responding to someone else rather than starting it. And all of the things, right? We could just argue until the cows come home about the truth. But the real truth is that we're both having an experience of each other and of the moment. And if we keep trying to fight over whose experience is right, we will just keep fighting. And that's not ultimately what we want. What we really want is To feel connected to this person who we love and who we value and who we are maintaining a relationship with.
[00:06:39]:
And we wanna feel like they care about us and our experience. We wanna feel attuned to, we wanna feel like they understand, or at least that they're trying to understand. These are the things that we actually want. So just going to battle over whose experience or emotion or response or all of that is justified is a Big waste of time and we just need to like park that because it's never gonna get us what we want, right? So really step one in all of this is when it comes to conflict, I need to shift out of that oppositional approach and into curiosity as much as I can. So curiosity really just asks us to pause in our judgement and our analysis and actually inquire as to what someone else might be going through, how they might be seeing the situation, how our good intentions might not have landed as we'd hoped that they would've, how we might've been misunderstood along the way, and really approaching the whole situation from this place of we are on the same team. And this conflict cycle that we get sucked into so reliably is our common enemy that we wanna be protecting ourselves against. That's the piece that we wanna be really watching rather than protecting ourselves against each other. Because naturally, whenever we're in this stance of feeling like we need to protect ourselves against the other person, then it's really, really hard to ever find connection from that place because we have very limited empathy for someone who we feel threatened by.
[00:08:12]:
So, you know, if you are in a relationship, I think a really great starting point saying like, let's not do this. We're on the same team. Let's not go into our usual conflict. Let's not let this get the better of us. Can we pause and reset? I think having that reminder, it's almost like a circuit break of you and I, we love each other. We care about each other. Let's not get sucked into old patterns because they are so, so easy to get sucked into, and we all know that. So I think being able to remind ourselves of that overarching vision and goal and intention that like we are on the same team and we do want good things for one another and for our relationship, and we can get through the friction of a moment that gets misconstrued or a concern or unmet needs or whatever other challenges we might be facing.
[00:09:03]:
The purpose of us being in a relationship together is to face those things. As a team. And I think when you can shift out of fighting each other to fighting against those unhealthy patterns that you get drawn into, that's a really powerful shift. I think another helpful general tip is to really not be afraid of taking a timeout or having a redo, or just like taking the pressure out of the moment if you can feel something escalating. And this is just an area where you have to exercise some responsibility because it's so tempting to just like chase the Yeah. That escalating tension, right? When you feel so fired up and you feel like they're doing their thing and you wanna react and they're pushing your buttons and you're pushing their buttons, it's really— oftentimes it's quite frustrating to not follow that because the urge is so strong and you've got all this energy in your system that's saying like, take the bait and go. So I usually think that there's like a huge degree of maturity and love actually in declining to participate in that escalating back and forth, when you can feel like something's picking up some heat and you know where it's gonna go, saying something like, okay, this is clearly not working as a conversation right now in this moment. Like, let's take a breather.
[00:10:19]:
Let's come back to this later. Or, can I start again? Because I feel like this isn't landing very well. Can I have another go? Like, just really finding a way to reset and either taking a pause away from the conflict altogether or just Acknowledging that it's not going to plan rather than kind of buckling in and going for it. I think all of those little gestures of goodwill signal to the other person, even on a subconscious level, like, this person is not my enemy, right? They are not trying to hurt me. They're not out to get me. And I don't have to have my guard up. I don't need to be ready to go into battle with this person. So as much as possible, finding ways to signal love and care and consideration in those moments where we know that the heat is rising a little.
[00:11:06]:
Because realistically, and I've said this before, and if you've done any of my programs, you will have heard me talk about it. When we become dysregulated, and in those moments when we're both dysregulated, our systems are just registering the other person as a threat, and that leads us to feel more dysregulated. We can't really have healthy conflict when we're both really fired up, when the tension's running really high, when we're both feeling attacked and blamed and judged, and it's bringing up all of our stuff from all of the other moments that maybe didn't get resolved. Like, it's really, really hard to get anything done from that place. And as I said earlier, the thing that we all want, which is like attunement and understanding and connection, and for someone to see us in the experience we're having, we're not gonna get it in those moments. So we should really just stop trying to push through and trying to be right and trying to overpower the other person and actually just almost like take in a bird's eye view and go, yeah, this is not worth doing right now, this is not going to lead me or us where I want us to go. So being, you know, humble and courageous enough to actually just decline to participate in a really loving way and say like, look, let's not do this right now. It doesn't feel like it's going to end well.
[00:12:21]:
And I don't want that for us. I think it's a really beautiful personal boundary to have in your relationships. And for anyone who might be thinking like, why do I have to be the one to lead that? Because I know that that can be a bit of a sore point, particularly for a lot of people in anxious avoidant dynamics feeling like, well, they're not going to be responsible and boundaried and be learning about how to have healthier conflict, so why does it fall to me? It doesn't fall to you. It's something that you can choose to do for yourself and for the relationship, or you can choose not to do it. But like, that's entirely your choice. So you can absolutely exercise your right to continue having dysfunctional, unhealthy conflict where you're reactive and lash out and do all of the things if that's what you want, just to prove a point that you you shouldn't have to be the one to do things differently, then go for your life. But I don't think that that's really what you want. So in all of this, I think we have to look at where's my agency, where's my power, where's my choice? And that resides with how we respond, the choices that we make.
[00:13:25]:
And from that place, oftentimes our relationships take a new path and new things become possible because we've decided to clean up our side of the street and lead the way towards a different way of doing things in our relationship. So I don't think that you can really lose by deciding that you're to step out of your part of the dance. Okay, so moving now to some more specific tips for anxious partners, and then I'll speak to some specific tips for avoidant partners. And these are more like little in-the-moment things based on how you typically show up during conflict and ways that you could maybe course correct so that you don't fall into those or exacerbate the cycles and the patterns that you probably find yourself in when it comes to conflict. So as I talked about in the episode on anxious attachment and conflict, What's very common is to speed up and to say lots of things and to kind of go into overdrive and overwhelm the other person emotionally and cognitively. It's just like a lot to be on the receiving end of, oftentimes because you've been bottling it up and you've been rehearsing it and practising it and saying all of the things in your head and having the imaginary conversations. And so when you finally get your window of opportunity, it's like all systems go. And particularly if you have an avoidant partner, that can be a lot to kind of sit and receive.
[00:14:39]:
Yeah. So my first tip for you, if you're someone with anxious patterns, is just to slow down a lot and say fewer words. Resist the urge to fill every silence with more words or more poking and prodding. I used to be really, really terrible at this in my previous relationship. If my partner was kind of sitting processing something that I'd said, I couldn't tolerate the silence or I'd interpret it as, you know, him not caring or him kind of zoning out or ignoring me. Yeah. I'd keep poking and saying like, aren't you gonna say something? Are you just gonna sit there? I just really couldn't handle sitting in the stillness of that when so much fire was happening inside of me. And so that's something that I had to really work on.
[00:15:27]:
And my current relationship, when we have conflict or big conversations, which is much less often than we used to, and certainly much less often than I used to in my previous relationship, but when we do, there'll often be extended silences. And that's absolutely— Yeah. fine for me. I'm pretty comfortable to leave that space because I know that my partner is processing and that in order for him to give me the kind of thoughtful, considered response that I ultimately want, he needs that space to be able to do it, and he needs to not feel the pressure of me kind of looming over him. So really try and give more space to the conversation. Try not to overwhelm the other person with all of the words and all of the And all of the context and explanation. And that's oftentimes a thing that we do because we're trying to micromanage how we're received. And we wanna make sure that we are perfectly understood.
[00:16:29]:
And that makes sense because we've probably got a history of feeling misunderstood or invalidated or dismissed. And so we're trying to almost like preemptively buffer against that happening. But I think oftentimes it actually just hits the other person like this big wall of anxiety that they have to absorb, and it's a lot. Yeah. Finding a way to just say what you need to say in as plain language as you can, and then leaving some space for the other person to respond, I think is a really, really good skill for you to practise and to work on. And it will be something that you'll need to practise because it won't come naturally for most people. Okay. Next tip for anxious attachers is try and keep the conversation to one issue.
[00:17:09]:
Again, I think because we're so accustomed to feeling invalidated or dismissed or brushed off when we bring a concern, we'll often try and like really bolster our case, so to speak, by pulling all of the examples of all of the times that this has happened. And it's not just this, it's also that, and it's this and it's that. And we try and make our feelings inarguable. And we try and prove to them without a shadow of a doubt that they really have done this thing or they have hurt us in this way and we are justified to feel the way we do. And of course, like again, that's coming from a really earnest place of wanting to be understood, but it often has the effect of the other person just feeling like ambushed and attacked. Because it's not just like, oh, you're coming at me about this thing, but you've also been harbouring all of these other things that apparently I've been messing up or disappointing you with. And almost always you're just gonna get defensiveness or shutdown when you go in with a full shopping list of complaints and criticisms and bringing in all of the past things and maybe trying to like relitigate or reopen past conversations that never fully felt resolved. Like, all of that is really counterproductive.
[00:18:23]:
And what will almost always happen is you won't get resolution on any of those things. The conversation will just escalate and then kind of spiral and end without anything satisfactory. Whereas if you keep it to one issue, then you're actually in with a shot at getting somewhere on that one issue, and that's a better outcome than getting nowhere on 15 issues. So I know that it's really hard to do that, to keep the focus narrow, Because you probably do have all of these other things that have been bothering you that you haven't been speaking up on. But I think that over time, as you build a healthier culture in your relationship around conflict, and you feel like there's a bit more positive momentum, and you actually start to have healthier conversations around conflict, and you start to rewire that blueprint that says, oh, okay, conflict can be had in a way that feels emotionally safe and productive, and we actually get somewhere, then you probably won't end up harbouring all of those worries and pushing them down until they explode. So I think over the long term, if you can just try and clock some wins, so to speak, then that will only be of benefit to the broader pattern that you have around expressing things, around self-advocacy, and around conflict and resolution. Okay. And the 3rd tip for anxiously attached people is try to accept a good enough solution and try and figure out what that might be.
[00:19:47]:
I think for a lot of us, we can really hold out for like the perfect solution, the guarantee that that's never gonna happen again and you're never gonna feel hurt and they're never gonna leave you or they're never gonna— like, we really want certainty because our anxiety is so braced for disappointment and hurt and betrayal and all of those things. And so it's really hard to actually accept an apology, a commitment, an acknowledgement. We wanna look for the holes in it. We wanna look for the flaws. And so it's really common to say things like, well, you said that last time and it hasn't changed, so why should I believe you now? Or something like that, which again, And that makes sense if it has been an extended pattern of this. And that's maybe another conversation if you've given someone 50 chances to change something that feels really important and they're still doing whatever they're doing. But when we just push back and shut down every effort at repair or apology or offering a solution, it can make it feel really unwinnable for the other person. And that can be pretty demoralising and they can kind of cheque out and just throw their hands up and say, well, I give up.
[00:20:53]:
I don't know what you want from me. And then we feel more And like they don't care and like they're not really trying and that hurts. You know, we all know how that goes. I'm sure you know how that goes. I certainly do. So I think really what we can do there is know when to accept something that is good enough. It may not be the perfect solution. It may not be a guarantee that nothing is ever gonna happen again.
[00:21:15]:
That's not something anyone can give us. But I think we need to see when someone is trying. And again, coming back to this spirit of collaboration and go, okay, I appreciate that. Maybe it's like step one in a solution that's gonna take many steps. But accept the step one and agree to cheque back in in a week or whatever. Just try and again, like, get some momentum, clock some wins so that you feel some sense of success out of the conversation and like you're coming back together in connection and a joint vision, because that's what's really gonna allow you to move forward and move away from that conversation feeling like you've accomplished something. And I think that's really, really important for both people. Yeah.
[00:22:00]:
Okay, so now I wanna move to some tips for avoidant people in conflict. I'm seeing how long this episode's getting. I'm wondering if I should have split this up, but anyway, we're gonna go with it. And the first one is, if you don't know what to say, if you're feeling a bit shell-shocked, a bit like a deer in the headlights, a bit overwhelmed by your partner's emotionality or expressiveness or the things that they're saying to you that might feel accusatory, say, I don't know what to say. Yeah. Okay, articulate the fact that you're struggling to find your words, because it's okay that you maybe operate differently to your partner in those moments. You might feel like you kind of go numb, or you cheque out, or you slow way down. You can't find your words, you don't really know what to say.
[00:22:42]:
That's fine. But when you just sit silently and stare into space, or stare into your lap, or just say nothing for really extended periods of time, it's really easy for that to come across as, I don't care, or I'm not really paying attention, or I'm not really invested in this conversation. And even if that's not the truth, if you have a partner with more anxious attachment patterns, there's a really good chance that they're going to interpret it that way because they are very susceptible to feeling like they're too much, like their feelings are a burden, like people don't care about them. And so if you can say, I'm listening to you, I'm just taking this in and processing. I don't really know what to say right now, but I'm here, right? Like, that is so much better than saying nothing, and it doesn't really take much from you other than just to deliver the line and to try and say it sincerely and with love. So I think that just an acknowledgement of that, or even saying, I'm feeling overwhelmed, or I'm feeling defensive, is so much better than just like doing the thing. So don't hesitate to narrate your inner experience. If you can't actually find the words to say, or you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, just say, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
[00:24:01]:
And as I said at the start, taking a breather is absolutely fine. It's just really important that you come back to the conversation, because I think for people with more avoidant patterns, the temptation is to just pull away and stay away and try your luck at not bringing the conversation up again and see if you've kind of gotten away with it, so to speak. Which will almost certainly infuriate infuriate your partner, so try not to do that. I think another really important tip for avoidant folks is to actually advocate for your own experience in conflict. I think this gets missed a bit because most people with avoidant patterns either collapse into appeasement and just want the conversation to end, so they sort of apologise for everything and say whatever they need to say to just make it stop, or they get very defensive and just bat everything back and refuse to engage. But neither of those extremes offers any space for your own self-advocacy and for your own sharing about how that's impacting you in a really honest and vulnerable way. And so I think that it does tend to end up being about the anxious partner's emotional experience a lot of the time, and that creates this asymmetry on both sides. I think both partners perceive an unfairness.
[00:25:13]:
And what you'll often hear from avoidant folks is, you've always got something that you wanna talk about. I never complain to you about how I'm feeling. I'm never coming to you with my unmet needs. It's just always you coming to me. And so I think that there's something in that, which is that it's important for you to start learning to identify like what that feels like for you and actually speaking it. And again, that might feel like really uncharted territory. And of course, when your whole impression of conflict is like, it is not worth it, nothing good comes of it, the likelihood of you bringing more things into that space is maybe low. But I think part of actually creating creating a healthier relationship overall is being able to have more balance around conflict and there being space for both of your experiences, rather than it all revolving around one person's experience and the other person just feeling a bit overwhelmed or suffocated by the responsibility of responding to that or managing that or providing reassurance or apologising all the time.
[00:26:18]:
So I think if there are things that you're feeling resentful about or harboring, rather than just using those the basis for kind of pulling away or turning away, shutting down, disconnecting, bring them to your partner. And that's like a real growth edge for you is being able to speak those things, the things that are bothering you, the things that don't feel great. Try to trust that your partner can handle your honesty. And maybe they can, maybe they can't. You'll only know by trying. But I think it's a really important exercise for you in taking up more space in your own relationship. Because the alternative just proves your storeys about relationship to be right. That they're more trouble than they're worth.
[00:27:00]:
They mainly take from you rather than give to you and all of those things. It's just easier if I'm alone. That will only ever be proven untrue if you're brave enough to step out of your pattern and actually run the experiment and see what might happen if you do take up more space, if you do allow yourself to be seen and known and cared for in the way that you actually wanna be cared for rather than just in the way that someone else maybe wants to care for you. Okay. Another thing for avoidant Yeah. And then also, folks, this hopefully goes without saying, but really try not to engage in any kind of language that feels really dismissive. Things like, oh, do we have to talk about this? Or like, give me a break. Or, here we go again.
[00:27:40]:
Or, I'm not doing this right now. Like, anything like that that conveys, this is tedious and burdensome, and I don't have the time, energy, interest, or patience to deal with you right now. I think that that can come up a lot, and it's really, really damaging to the relationship. And particularly again, if you have a partner with more anxious patterns, that's just going to feel confirming of all of their worst fears, and it's going to lead them much more intensely into their anxiety and their insecurity, which is only going to make the whole thing worse. So out of love and care for your partner, even if that's your internal dialogue, bite your tongue on those things. It's not helpful, it's not loving, and I think it's one that you really want to just have some boundary around, because that will only lead to negative consequences for your relationship if you're putting those things into the space. It really, really exacerbates the cycle, even if it feels really true. Even if you do feel overwhelmed and exasperated and suffocated and worn down, say that you're feeling worn down, you're feeling overwhelmed.
[00:28:50]:
Don't say those kind of offhanded, snide remarks that can land really unkindly with your partner. And the last thing that I'll say, and I sort of alluded to this before, is If you do need to take a break, it's good to be really clear around the parameters for that. So rather than just saying like, I'm not doing this right now, I'm leaving the room, or, you know, if you aren't physically together, like hanging up the phone or refusing to respond to messages or just kind of cutting it off unilaterally, that's just going to leave your partner hanging and they're going to, again, like massively ramp up in their anxiety and their stress response. So what you want to do as an alternative that still allows you to get your needs met around the space, because that is a really important regulatory tool for you. And I would say that avoidant folks probably have better instincts than anxious folks around, you know, taking some space away when things are getting heated. Anxious folks just tend to be a bit like a dog with a bone and keep pushing. I say that as someone with that proclivity, but say something like, okay, I need a break. I'm feeling myself getting heated.
[00:29:57]:
Let's talk about this in 2 hours, or let's talk about this tonight. Set the bookend for when you're going to come back to it and honour the bookend. Don't just leave it and hope that you can kind of get away with not having the conversation and maybe they'll forget. I promise you they're not going to forget. They're going to be counting down the minutes until you come back to sort of test whether you're going to stand by your word. There's a whole nother conversation to be had around whether that's a helpful thing to And as a side note, during any time and space apart in conflict, you know, if you've taken deliberate timeout and you're on the more anxious side, don't spend that time just mulling over everything and rehearsing what you're gonna say and like continuing to get your system riled up. That defeats the whole point. But going back to the avoidant side, you know, take the time and space that you need, but be respectful and be considerate and do what you say you're gonna do.
[00:30:51]:
So if you say you're gonna come back to the conversation, come back to the conversation. Even though it's probably not what you wanna do, you And even though you'll probably have to kind of drag yourself to it, do the right thing because that's respectful of your partner and the relationship more broadly. And the more that you do that and prove yourself to be trustworthy around conflict, the safer they're going to feel, the safer you're going to feel. It's just going to be a win-win for everyone. Okay, so that was a bit of a rundown on some tips for healthier conflict. I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, while the focus was kind of on romantic relationships, as is usually the case on this podcast, I do think that a lot of those tools could be applied to non-romantic relationships, because these are really just life and relationship skills, and so, so useful if we are wanting to improve the safety and the depth and the connection in our relationships. Being able to sit in the discomfort of conflict without just defaulting to all of those protective patterns that we might have is so, so valuable, and something we should all be striving to cultivate in our relationships.
[00:31:57]:
So hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if you do to join me in the Secure Self Challenge, today's a really good day to sign up. You know, one of the pillars that we focus on is self-advocacy. And so we do learn all about healthier communication in the broader context of self-worth, with a particular focus on how self-advocacy just lands differently and feels different when it's coming from a place of really healthy self-esteem rather than, you know, fear and desperation and panic and control and all of the things that can come up when we're in that really insecure place. But otherwise, thanks so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, conflict, healthy conflict, relationships, productive conflict, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, relationship skills, conflict resolution, communication, self-worth, Secure Self Challenge, self-advocacy, emotional regulation, curiosity, connection, empathy, relationship patterns, teamwork, boundaries, taking timeouts, emotional safety, vulnerability, defensive behaviour, self-protection, partnership, relationship rupture, relationship repair, unresolved issues, relationship maturity