#259: How to Communicate with a Defensive Partner
In today's episode, we are talking about how to communicate with a partner who is very defensive. Defensiveness is just one of those things that so many of us have a really hard time being on the other side of and it's really frustrating. Communicating with a defensive partner can feel lonely and exhausting at times. And it’s important to say clearly: compassion does not mean tolerating chronic emotional unavailability, stonewalling, or dismissiveness forever.
Trying to communicate with someone who becomes defensive quickly can feel exhausting. You bring something up—sometimes gently, thoughtfully, even carefully—and instead of feeling heard, you’re met with shutdown, irritation, denial, blame-shifting, or withdrawal.
And over time, that dynamic can become deeply painful.
You might start second-guessing yourself:
Was I too harsh?
Did I say it wrong?
Why does every conversation feel so difficult?
Particularly in anxious-avoidant dynamics, defensiveness can become one of the biggest barriers to closeness and connection. One partner longs to communicate and work through things, while the other feels overwhelmed, criticised, or cornered and instinctively protects themselves.
The result? Both people end up feeling unseen.
So let’s talk about why defensiveness happens, why it can feel so triggering, and how to approach communication differently if you want a better chance of actually getting through to your partner.
Why Defensiveness Feels So Painful
When someone responds defensively, it rarely feels neutral.
Even if you were trying to express something calmly and lovingly, their reaction can land as:
You’re attacking me.
Your feelings don’t matter.
I don’t care what you need.
You’re the problem.
And understandably, that hurts.
For many people, particularly those with anxious attachment patterns, defensiveness from a partner can feel deeply invalidating. You’re trying to create connection, repair, or understanding—and instead you feel pushed away.
It can also create a painful power imbalance in the relationship. The person shutting down or defending themselves can appear to hold all the power, while the other partner feels increasingly desperate to be heard.
And yet, while defensiveness can feel incredibly frustrating, understanding why it happens is often the key to shifting the dynamic.
What Defensiveness Is Really About
At its core, defensiveness is a protective strategy.
If someone is defending themselves, it means that somewhere inside, they feel threatened, criticised, unsafe, or under attack—even if that wasn’t your intention.
This is such an important distinction:
they are not defending themselves against you specifically. They are defending themselves against the feelings your words have triggered inside of them.
For many people with avoidant attachment patterns, relational conflict can quickly activate deep fears of:
not being good enough
failing as a partner
disappointing someone they love
never being able to “get it right”
being fundamentally flawed
So even a relatively gentle request or concern may be filtered through the lens of:
“Here’s another thing I’m failing at.”
And when shame enters the picture, defensiveness usually follows.
That defensiveness might look like:
arguing back
becoming dismissive
minimising your feelings
shutting down
withdrawing emotionally
becoming irritated or reactive
Again, this doesn’t mean the behaviour is healthy or acceptable. But understanding the vulnerability underneath it can completely change how we respond.
The Trap Most Couples Fall Into
When we feel hurt by someone’s defensiveness, our instinct is often to push harder:
“Why are you so defensive?”
“You never take accountability.”
“Why won’t you just listen to me?”
“You clearly don’t care.”
But unfortunately, those responses almost always create more defensiveness.
Why? Because from the other person’s perspective, they now feel even more criticised, blamed, or attacked.
And this is where couples can get stuck in painful cycles:
one partner feels dismissed and escalates
the other feels attacked and defends
both feel misunderstood
neither feels emotionally safe
No one wins.
How to Communicate More Effectively with a Defensive Partner
If someone is defensive, the goal is not to prove that they shouldn’t feel defensive.
The goal is to create enough safety that they no longer need the defence.
That requires a very different approach.
1. Start from the Assumption That They Feel Threatened
Even if you believe your delivery was calm and reasonable, try beginning from the understanding that:
“Something about this feels threatening to them right now.”
That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
It doesn’t mean you have to abandon your needs.
It simply means you stop fighting reality.
Instead of:
“Why are you getting so defensive?”
Try:
“I don’t think that landed the way I intended.”
“I can see this feels difficult.”
“Can we slow down and try again?”
“Can you help me understand what you heard me saying?”
Those kinds of responses are often much more disarming because they validate the other person’s experience rather than making them wrong for having it.
2. Focus on Curiosity Instead of Winning
Healthy communication requires humility.
That means being willing to step inside the other person’s world long enough to ask:
“What is happening for you right now?”
Not because their perception is objectively correct.
Not because your feelings don’t matter.
But because understanding creates connection.
Often, underneath defensiveness is vulnerability that hasn’t yet been named.
And when people feel emotionally understood, their nervous system usually softens enough to actually hear you.
3. Don’t Force the Conversation If They’re Dysregulated
Sometimes, once someone becomes highly defensive or reactive, they genuinely don’t have the capacity for productive communication in that moment.
Pushing harder rarely helps.
In those situations, it can be far more effective to pause and revisit the conversation later:
“Earlier didn’t go the way I hoped. Can we try again?”
When emotions settle, people often have much greater capacity for reflection and openness.
You may even be able to discuss the interaction itself:
“I noticed you became defensive.”
“I was really trying to communicate gently.”
“Can you help me understand what felt hard about that conversation?”
Those conversations can create enormous breakthroughs in understanding.
4. Remember: Defensiveness Is Protection
It’s easy to see defensiveness as selfishness, emotional immaturity, or unwillingness to care.
Sometimes those things may absolutely be present.
But very often, defensiveness is simply someone trying to protect themselves from feelings they don’t know how to tolerate.
And while that doesn’t excuse hurtful behaviour, recognising the protective function underneath it allows us to respond with more compassion and less personalisation.
That shift alone can dramatically change relational dynamics.
Final Thoughts
Communicating with a defensive partner can feel lonely and exhausting at times. And it’s important to say clearly: compassion does not mean tolerating chronic emotional unavailability, stonewalling, or dismissiveness forever.
Healthy relationships still require accountability, repair, and mutual effort.
But if you’re in a relationship you genuinely want to nurture, understanding defensiveness through the lens of protection rather than rejection can be incredibly powerful.
Because when we stop asking:
“Why are they doing this to me?”
and start asking:
“What vulnerability are they protecting right now?”
we often create the very emotional safety that allows true connection to emerge.
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[00:01:12]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to communicate with a partner who is very defensive. So, gosh, defensiveness is just one of those things that so many of us have a really hard time being on the other side of and it's really frustrating, right? I think we can just acknowledge that at the outset that trying to communicate with someone who is very quick to defend themselves, it feels a bit like tearing your hair out because you feel like as soon as you express something, and maybe it's not even expressing a concern or expressing a need or expressing something serious, it's just the way way that you communicate generally elicits some defensiveness in them and they're very quick to push that back or to become short tempered or irritable or shut down in some way and then you feel like you've done something wrong and the impulse is to either protest at their defensiveness or to backpedal and apologise. And none of that feels very satisfactory and none of it feels like connection. And so creating a loving, connected bond with someone who is very defensive by nature can feel really challenging and can lead us to feel a bit powerless. Like nothing we try is effective at getting through the defences and that's really hard and that can be a really lonely experience and it can really impact our relationship satisfaction. And of course, if we have some attachment overlay onto that this is very common in anxious avoidant dynamics.
[00:02:56]:
For someone who has that more anxious attachment pattern to really want to get close to their partner, to want to communicate with them, to want to express concerns, to want to work on the relationship and to feel like at every step of the way they're getting met with a typically more avoidant partner's defensiveness, shutdown, dismissal. That feels really invalidating and can feel unfair as well, because it feels like the person who's withholding or defending or shutting down has all the power in the situation. I think there is some truth to that. In today's episode we're going to be talking about why this can be such a thing, because it can definitely be such a thing. What it is about the inner world of avoidant attachment and the relational dynamic between anxious and avoidant partners that creates this heightened sensitivity and defensiveness. And what you might do in terms of approaching things differently so that you maximise your chances of being able to communicate through someone's defensiveness rather than just dropping it and giving up or pushing harder against the defensiveness, which I'm sure you know from experience. Neither of those approaches tend to be very effective. Before we get into today's episode, a couple of quick reminders.
[00:04:15]:
If you are in an anxious avoidant dynamic, I have plenty of resources for you. I have a free workshop that is an instant access training where anxious avoidant couples go wrong. Understanding that cycle, what each person brings to it and really where to focus for growth. So that's a free one that you can download on my website and I'll link in the show notes. I also have a short course on understanding your avoidant partner, which is intended for people with more anxious patterns or otherwise who are in a relationship with an avoidant partner and want to understand the inner workings a little better, with a view to building that connection and emotional safety. And then I have my big couples course which I always forget to to share with people, but that always gets really beautiful feedback. Secure together. That's the course that I recorded along with my partner Joel.
[00:05:05]:
For anyone who is maybe new here, Joel is more avoidant. I have historically been more anxious and we co teach that course really with a view to making it feel balanced and approachable for both partners so that you can build a secure functioning relationship, notwithstanding that you might have seemingly conflicting attachment patterns. And we really share a lot of personal experience there alongside practical exercises and things that you can do. And as I said, we always get really beautiful feedback from oftentimes the anxious partner. But saying that Their avoidant partner really loved it and that it's led to beautiful breakthroughs and real shifts in the relationship pretty quickly. So if you are in this rut of struggling with communication and conflict and defensiveness, I have heaps of resources ranging from free training all the way up to a full length course that you can cheque out and choose from. Okay, so let's get into this conversation around defensiveness. Now, as I said at the start, I want to acknowledge how mind numbingly frustrating it can be to be met with someone's defensiveness, particularly when you really feel like the thing that you have said or done does not warrant that response.
[00:06:15]:
And that is so often the case. Right. It's fair enough if someone gets defensive, if we're being really snarky and we're attacking them in obvious ways, but when we feel like we're just trying to help or just being nice or said something in a completely neutral way, or maybe we've actually gone to great lengths to try and communicate something in an inoffensive way, in a conscious communication, healthy, relationship, language way, and we're still met with that same pushback, shutdown, dismissal. That can feel pretty demoralising. And it can lead you to really question, like, what am I even doing here? Am I ever going to get through to you? And I think also the deeper layer of, of tenderness there on the side of the person trying to communicate is like, I am clearly trying to say something to you that matters to me. And the fact that you're so quick to shut it down or bat it back or dismiss it lands as, you don't care about me. If this matters to me, it should matter to you. And the fact that you're just not engaging at all, or you're becoming very defensive and dismissive, that feels like you don't care about me because this thing matters to me.
[00:07:22]:
So I just want to acknowledge all of the layers of that and how painful that can feel. But. Or maybe I should say, and I think perhaps the most challenging thing about this dynamic is that if we want to shift it, we have to be willing to get curious about what the other person is experiencing that is eliciting their defensiveness. Even at the same time as we absolutely 100% feel like we are not doing anything wrong or that their defensiveness is unjustified and unwarranted and unreasonable. Right? Because that will always be true, that we will feel like, why are you getting so defensive? I didn't even do anything. And that's why the dynamic can be so frustrating. But of course, even as we're feeling so invalidated by someone's defensiveness, us saying, why are you getting so defensive? You always do. This is invalidating of whatever experience they're having that has led to their defensiveness.
[00:08:18]:
So we can inadvertently be defensive ourselves. Ourselves by saying, you shouldn't be responding in the way that you're responding. That's our defensiveness dressed up in a different outfit. Right? And so I think that, of course, we all want to be right and we all want to win the fight, but being in a healthy relationship and actually getting to the heart of the connection that we want requires a humility and a willingness to step inside the other person's world and get curious about, like, okay, what. What is going on for you? Because as much as I don't feel like I'm attacking you, you clearly feel attacked, right? If someone is defending, then they feel like they're under attack, and that's just kind of like a truism. Doesn't matter if you feel like they're warranted or justified. You don't have to agree with their response, and it doesn't have to be how you would respond. You just have to acknowledge the fact of they are feeling threatened by this situation, which is why they're becoming defensive.
[00:09:16]:
And so we then go, okay, what is it about this situation that might feel threatening to you, that might feel unsafe, that might feel like I'm being critical, that is touching into some vulnerability in you that you are defending? Right? Because they're actually not defending against you. They're defending against the feeling that is coming up in them. And I think that's the thing that we really need to understand, and that actually really helps us to take it all less personally. Because, of course, we do take it personally and think, why are you responding to me in this way? Don't you love me? Don't you care about me? When really we go, okay, what are they standing in front of? Within them, Right? And oftentimes, for people with more avoidant patterns, there is this deep wound around feeling like a failure, feeling like they're not good enough, feeling like you're a disappointment, feeling like you cannot please your partner no matter how hard you try, feeling like there's always something, feeling like there's always more. And there can be a fair bit of shame wrapped up in all of that, because to feel successful is really, really important. I think, for anyone, but particularly for avoidant people, to feel like they're doing a good job in their relationship is a really motivating thing and tends to really add to their overall relationship satisfaction. And so what happens is they often receive a partner's feeling upset or wanting to work on the relationship or expressing a need. They hear that through this lens of nothing I do is good enough.
[00:10:45]:
And so hear it as, here's another thing that you are missing the mark on. Rather than, here's something I'd love for us to work on, it's, you want to work on it because I'm failing. And so even if that's not what you said and it's not what you meant, that might be what someone's hearing and it might be touching into something really tender and vulnerable within them. And that is usually what is bringing forth this really strong defensive response in the form of either fighting back or shutting down and pulling away. And so, again, just to be clear, it's not about you having to take responsibility for cushioning all of their insecurities and making sure that you never have to make them feel any of that. But I think that being in a healthy, loving, secure relationship is about attuning to and being mindful of our partner's sensitivities and really recognising them as valid and real and being sensitive to them, right? And that doesn't have to mean tiptoeing around someone. It doesn't have to mean walking on eggshells. It doesn't have to mean biting your tongue or twisting yourself into a pretzel so that you never trigger someone.
[00:11:51]:
There is a middle ground there. And I think that's so often the response I get when I suggest extending any sort of compassion towards folks with avoidant patterns. It's like, well, so you're saying I should do all of the work? No, I'm not saying that you should do all of the work. But if you're in a relationship and you want to continue to be in that relationship, then you might as well try something that's likely to work and it's likely to break through the impasse. Because as I said earlier, the fighting back and making someone wrong for being defensive and saying, why are you being so defensive? Why don't you ever take accountability? Why don't you ever listen to me? Why don't you even care? Guess what? That's going to elicit more defensiveness. Because that is an attack, right? That is making someone wrong for the experience that they're having. And that will lead their guard to be even further up. They're going to tune up.
[00:12:39]:
You are making it impossible for them to receive and respond to when it's coming in that form. So we really do need to find ways to help ourselves out, essentially to maximise our chances of being heard and delivering the words, the share the whatever it is in a way that someone can hear it. And I think when you are met with defensiveness, just saying, why are you getting so defensive? Or stop being so defensive, in the same way that if a partner said to you, like, why are you getting so upset? Stop being so sensitive, that would not help at all, that would make it worse. Same goes in the other direction. So what do you actually do when someone's being defensive, whether as part of a broader pattern or in a moment? I think the starting assumption has to be that they are feeling attacked or threatened in some way. And so we have to go, okay, they're feeling attacked or threatened. What am I going to do in light of that? Rather than telling them that they shouldn't be feeling attacked or threatened. Because telling someone they shouldn't be feeling the way they're feeling is completely pointless and just makes it worse.
[00:13:41]:
Right. So starting from this place of this is an experience that they're having that I didn't want, but that is nonetheless what we're confronting in this moment. So you might just pause, acknowledge how you think they might be feeling, also acknowledge that wasn't what you were hoping for, but saying, let's put it all out there, rather than just fighting based on assumptions and interpretation and analysis and all of the unsaid things, can you just stop and say, hang on, it feels like, you know, that hasn't landed the way that I was wanting to, can we start again? Or can you let me know what's going on for you or what the storey you're telling yourself is? Because I feel like this is about to go sideways and that wasn't what I was hoping for. So little things like that, that you might do that are almost like a peace offering and a recognition of, we're on the same team here. I don't want to be in combat with you. I don't want us to just push against each other. And I also want to create a path forward for this conversation and this relationship more broadly, where we're not fighting over whose experience is right. I'm actually offering up the possibility that both of our experiences can exist by saying, oh, that wasn't what I was intending.
[00:14:51]:
That must have come out wrong, or that must have landed differently to the way it sounded in my head, because I can see that you're becoming defensive. So that's not making anyone wrong, it's just saying, oh, this is not how I thought this was going to go. Let's try again. And that can be really disarming because as soon as you validate someone's experience rather than making them wrong for it, there's actually nothing to really defend against. What I will say is some people who are just really defensive and have a strong fight response and you know, my darling partner falls into this category at times, sometimes they won't have the capacity to down their defences in the moment and they actually need to like cool off and come back to the conversation and it's only at that point that you'll be able to have a take two. Sometimes if someone's quick to become dysregulated or they can be reactive or they can be very defensive, if the horse bolts a bit, they might just not have it in them to have a constructive version of the conversation in that moment. And so it may, if you notice someone and you know your partner and you know that they're dysregulated and that continuing to push and even trying to do it in that peace offering kind of way isn't going to work in that moment, rather than just like writing it off and saying like this, it never works. And I don't know why I bother, maybe just give it some breathing space and circle back an hour later and say the words that I said earlier.
[00:16:17]:
You know, our conversation before didn't go the way that I'd hoped. Can we try again? That can be a really nice way to repair, even if things don't go the way that you were hoping the first time round. And that way you can maybe, maybe have another go at the conversation when the temperatures come down. And you can also have enough distance from the conversation that you can talk about it in the past tense and go, oh, I noticed you got defensive. I was really trying to communicate in a non attacking way, but clearly that didn't work. Can you help me understand how that felt for you? And someone might in the past tense have a bit more capacity to reflect and share than they would in the moment. So I think that can help as well. I'll just finish by saying defensiveness.
[00:17:00]:
I know again, I said at the start, I know how frustrating it is. I get it. It's still something that I come up against in my own relationship, so I'm right there in the trenches with you. But as much as we can just see it as a character defect, it's a protective strategy. And so just as it's not easy for any of us to put down our protective strategies because they can feel so survival driven, they can feel so automatic in those moments when we're triggered. The same is true for our partners. And I think ext some grace towards that is a very loving thing to do. And you know, again, if you are familiar with my work, you'd know that I am a huge advocate for being very clear about what you will and won't tolerate.
[00:17:42]:
And to the extent that someone shuts down whenever you try and express anything and there's never any repair and that feels like a really lonely and unsatisfactory relationship, I am by no means suggesting that you should just keep pushing or persisting if that doesn't feel right for you. But if you are in a relationship with someone who you love and you're wanting to make it work and you're wanting to understand their defensiveness, I hope that what I've shared today will give you a bit more context for the why behind that and might allow you to take the defensiveness less personally. Because I do think that our response to the defensiveness is always going to be exacerbated by feeling like it's because they don't care or because they're selfish or whatever. It's a protective strategy. And asking yourself that question of like, what are they protecting? What vulnerability have I touched inadvertently with whatever I've shared or done? And how can I be sensitive to that and how can I recognise the validity of that even though it wasn't my intention? And I think that's a really beautifully mature, loving, self aware way to be in relationship if we can find that. Because it does take courage and humility. But oftentimes that's how we get to the connection that we're so longing for. Okay guys, I hope that this has been helpful.
[00:18:58]:
Thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
defensiveness in relationships, communicating with defensive partner, anxious avoidant dynamic, attachment patterns, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, relationship communication, emotional safety, relationship connection, expressing needs, partner shutdown, invalidation, feeling powerless in relationships, relationship conflict, inner world of avoidant partners, working on relationships, self-protection strategies, emotional triggers, partner vulnerability, relationship satisfaction, healthy relationship habits, repairing after conflict, power dynamics in relationships, feeling criticised, relationship dynamics, partner communication tips, defensive responses, invalidating experiences, partner attunement, relationship empathy