#282: How to Forgive Yourself for Pushing Someone Away (Ask Steph)

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Have you ever looked back on a past relationship with everything you know now and thought:

If only I’d known this then.

Maybe you’ve learned about anxious attachment and can suddenly see your old patterns with much more clarity. You recognise the overthinking, the fear of abandonment, the need for reassurance, the impulsive reactions, or the ways you may have pushed someone away when what you really wanted was to feel closer to them.

And with that awareness can come a painful question:

How do I forgive myself for the way I acted when I feel like my behaviour contributed to the end of the relationship?

This is such a common experience when we begin learning about our attachment patterns after a breakup. Greater self-awareness can be incredibly healing, but it can also become another weapon we use against ourselves if we aren’t careful.

Instead of thinking, Now I understand myself better, we can quickly fall into:

I ruined everything.

I was too much.

I pushed them away.

If I had behaved differently, maybe we would still be together.

But shame and self-blame aren’t the same thing as accountability. And beating yourself up for what you did in the past isn’t what helps you change your patterns moving forward.

Why We Look for Someone to Blame After a Relationship Ends

One of the hallmarks of insecure attachment is a tendency to reach for blame.

Sometimes we blame the other person. We decide they were selfish, emotionally unavailable, toxic, or entirely responsible for everything that went wrong.

Other times, particularly for people with anxious attachment patterns, that blame turns inward.

I ruin everything.

I’m too anxious.

I’m too needy.

I’m too sensitive.

I always push people away.

Both responses can come from the same place: our discomfort with uncertainty.

Relationships are complicated. Two people bring their histories, fears, insecurities, needs, coping strategies, and attachment patterns into a dynamic together. There is rarely one clear villain and one clear victim.

But our anxiety doesn’t necessarily like complexity.

It wants to identify the problem so it can find the solution.

If the other person was the problem, we can tell ourselves that nothing we did contributed to the dynamic.

If we were the problem, we can tell ourselves that if we just fix everything that’s wrong with us, this will never happen again.

Neither version tells the whole story.

Self-Blame Can Keep the Cycle Going

When you learn more about your attachment patterns, it’s natural to recognise behaviours you wish you had handled differently.

Perhaps you can see how fear drove some of your reactions. Maybe you suppressed your needs because you were afraid of being “too much,” only to eventually become overwhelmed and react more intensely.

You might now recognise ways you self-abandoned, struggled to regulate your emotions, or acted impulsively when you felt threatened or disconnected.

Acknowledging those things can be important.

But there’s a big difference between saying:

“I don’t like how I handled that, and I want to understand why I responded that way.”

And saying:

“I ruin every relationship. There’s something wrong with me.”

The second response doesn’t create growth. It reinforces the low self-worth and shame that often sit underneath anxious attachment patterns in the first place.

If you already believe you’re too needy, too sensitive, or likely to push people away, punishing yourself for your past behaviour only strengthens those beliefs.

And when those beliefs become stronger, you’re more likely to enter future relationships afraid that they’re true.

That fear can then drive the exact behaviours you’re trying so desperately to avoid.

Shame Is Not the Same as Accountability

There’s often a belief that if we stop beating ourselves up, we’re somehow letting ourselves off the hook.

We think:

If I forgive myself, how will I make sure I don’t do it again?

If I don’t feel terrible about what I did, does that mean I’m avoiding responsibility?

But self-punishment isn’t what creates meaningful change.

You don’t need to shame yourself into becoming a better version of yourself.

Real accountability requires enough compassion to look honestly at what happened.

Instead of:

Why am I like this?

Try asking:

What was happening for me in that moment?

What was I afraid of?

What need was I trying to meet?

What insecurity was driving my behaviour?

What could I do differently if I experience that feeling again?

You can acknowledge that you don’t like something you did while still understanding why you did it.

That isn’t making excuses.

It’s giving yourself the information you actually need to change.

Turn Regret Into a Teacher

Hindsight can be brutal.

Looking back from where you are now, armed with new language, insight, and understanding, it can seem obvious that you should have behaved differently.

But you didn’t have your current level of awareness then.

So rather than trying to erase the past, use what happened to understand yourself more deeply.

Maybe you reacted intensely because you were terrified of losing the relationship.

Maybe you constantly sought reassurance because you didn’t yet know how to create a sense of safety within yourself.

Maybe you suppressed your needs until they came bursting out because you believed expressing them calmly would make you difficult or demanding.

Understanding the fear beneath the behaviour gives you something tangible to work with.

You can then ask:

When I feel this way again, how would I like to respond?

That’s where change happens.

Not through endlessly replaying your mistakes, but through allowing your regret to teach you something that you can carry forward.

Should You Tell Your Ex Everything You’ve Learned?

Another common urge after gaining all of this insight is to reach out to an ex.

You might desperately want to explain:

I understand now.

I know why I behaved that way.

I’ve learned so much.

I could do things differently now.

And beneath that may be the hope that if they can just see how much you’ve changed, perhaps you can undo what happened.

Of course, every situation is different. But generally speaking, it’s worth being very thoughtful about what you hope to achieve by reaching out.

Someone with more avoidant attachment patterns may process the end of a relationship very differently from someone with anxious attachment patterns. While you may have spent months analysing the relationship and learning everything you can about what happened, your ex may have processed the breakup by putting it away and moving forward.

That means the conversation you’ve imagined may not unfold the way you hope it will.

They may not want to revisit the relationship. They may not be interested in attachment theory. And they may not respond to your newfound insights with the enthusiasm or openness you’re hoping for.

Before reaching out, ask yourself:

Is sharing this information truly for them—or am I hoping their response will relieve some of my regret, guilt, or pain?

Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do with new self-awareness isn’t to take it backwards and try to rewrite the past.

It’s to take it forward.

You Don’t Have to Rewrite the Past to Grow From It

You can wish you had handled things differently.

You can take responsibility for the ways your patterns contributed to an unhealthy dynamic.

You can feel genuine regret.

And you can still have compassion for the version of yourself who didn’t yet have the tools, awareness, or capacity that you have now.

Those things can all exist together.

Forgiving yourself isn’t pretending that your actions didn’t matter. It’s choosing to stop using shame as your primary tool for change.

Look back with curiosity.

Understand what was driving you.

Take responsibility for what belongs to you.

Learn what you can.

And then allow yourself to carry those lessons forward.

Because the goal of healing isn’t to become so enlightened that you can somehow go back and undo every mistake you’ve ever made.

It’s to become more aware, more compassionate, and more intentional about how you show up from here.

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FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• FREE TRAINING: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
  

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You might also like…

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[00:01:30]:

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm answering the question of, how do I forgive myself for the way that I acted that ultimately led to the breakdown of my previous relationship? And this is coming from someone who has anxious attachment patterns and who has learned a lot about themselves and about their partner since the relationship ended and is now feeling a lot of shame and self-blame about what they did that they wish they could take back. And this is something that I get asked about a lot amongst people who come to this work, often off the back of a relationship ending and learning more about the drivers of our own behaviour, our own insecurities, and the role that they play in contributing to the cycles that might exist in our relationships. Some people then find themselves really stewing in a lot of shame and self-blame and really struggling to forgive themselves, really feeling like punishing themselves or beating themselves up is a really natural place for them to go. And that only leads them to feel worse, not only about the relationship ending, but just about themselves and maybe even their future prospects, feeling like they are the problem, they are broken, and it all feels really hopeless. So if that's something that you can relate to in any way, today's episode is going to be a bit of a pep talk for you. Okay, so I've spoken before many times about how shame and self-blame is a really unhelpful place to go. When we're looking at our patterns, when we're reflecting on our past behaviours, it really is a hallmark of insecure attachment patterns to reach for blame.

[00:03:09]:

Whether that's blaming the other person or blaming ourselves, we tend to have this very black and white view of needing to find who the problem was, who is the villain, who is the victim, who is in the wrong. And oftentimes I think that's a byproduct of us lacking in compassion. Again, compassion for ourselves, compassion for the other person. Because our insecurity and our fear wants to know who to blame so that we can figure out who needs to fix the problem. If we can identify that the other person is the problem, that they are selfish, that they are toxic, that they are a narcissist, that they are whatever, then we feel justified in our pain and we can feel relieved that the problem's over there with them, that nothing we did was part of the problem, and then we can feel a bit more complete about what might have been a really painful and confusing situation. Or on the other side, if we default to blaming ourselves, we can collapse into this place of, I'm the I ruin everything. I'm so anxious. I always push people away.

[00:04:07]:

I'm too much. I overthink everything. I'm too needy. I'm too sensitive. And I just have to fix myself so that that doesn't keep happening. And neither of those pictures is ever going to represent the truth in its entirety, because relationships are always more complicated than that. It's never that simple or black and white. But those parts of us that are afraid really like the certainty.

[00:04:30]:

Our anxiety likes the certainty of being able to clearly identify who the problem was, where the problem was, and therefore what the solution needs to be. And so when it comes to reflecting on a past relationship and one that ended, maybe that we didn't want to end, and then learning about ourselves, and I think any journey of learning more about your own patterns will include some of the less healthy expressions of those patterns and the ways that those patterns can contribute to unhealthy relationship dynamics. It's really easy then to equate that with, I was the problem, or I ruined everything. If I had done things differently, the outcome might have been different. Therefore, I am at fault. Therefore, I am the cause of this pain that I'm in. And then our anxiety can tell us to try and frantically backpedal. And should I reach out to them and tell them all of the things that I've learned and all of the insights that I've now had and all of the ways that I see that I was actually part of the problem and I won't do it again and I'm going to be so enlightened now and maybe we should get back together.

[00:05:31]:

We try and scramble to erase the past. With all of this new information that we've gleaned, because to just sit in the pain and the sadness is really intolerable for the parts of us that tend towards anxiety and wanting to fix and mobilise and do something about the problem. So all of that makes a lot of sense, but I think that the more you reach for self-blame, and I realise that it's not an intentional thing, but the more you go there, the more you are reinforcing the low self-worth and the shame and the sense of brokenness. that is at the very heart of all of the cycles that drive your unhealthy behaviours, right? Because when we feel badly about ourselves, when we feel like we are too much or too sensitive or too needy, or we always push people away, then that's our belief system that is guiding our relationship dynamics. And that's what we believe. And so we're going to be afraid of that happening and afraid of that being true. And so we react from a place of trying to protect against that. We try and suppress our needs.

[00:06:34]:

We try not to show emotion, but of course that doesn't work. And is unsustainable. And in doing that, we're denying our needs and our feelings, and we end up self-abandoning. And then that creates these really unhealthy dynamics anyway. And then we end up exploding and reacting and pushing someone away, and that ends up proving the storey true. And so the shame is really driving that cycle and keeping it intact. So I think that we need to see that for what it is and really reckon with those parts of us that believe that shame and punishment and blame is how we're going to create accountability, right? Because a lot of people have this sense that without punishment, there will be no accountability. If I don't beat myself up, then there'll be no change.

[00:07:19]:

There'll be no pressure to do better next time or be different. But that just doesn't work. I don't know if you've noticed, but shaming yourself is not how you grow. Beating yourself up is not how you feel better about yourself and start changing your patterns. We need to be able to look at the things that we have struggled with historically and that we still struggle with through the lens of curiosity and compassion. And that is not the same as giving ourselves a free pass or letting ourselves off the hook or dusting our hands of any responsibility. It is simply to be able to reflect on the things that we've done and get curious around what was going on for me when I said or did that thing, because there's always some very real experience that we were having when we said or did the thing that we're now ashamed of and beating ourselves up for. But when we just look back in hindsight and tell ourselves that we are an idiot and ruin everything.

[00:08:09]:

There's no learning that actually happens there. It's just this collapse experience of shame. And so being able to look compassionately and going, okay, I don't like what I did, but I can see why I did it. Or I remember what I was going through when I did it and what need I was trying to meet or what fear or insecurity was in the driver's seat for me. And then we actually have something tangible to work with so that we can take the next step, which is, okay, What needs my attention here? Next time I feel that way, what can I do that would be healthier and more constructive rather than just acting out in a really impulsive way from fear that then leads to these unwanted outcomes and self-fulfilling prophecies of, I always push people away. So it's only when we can engage in that meaningful reflection that is free from the burden of shame and self-punishment that we actually learn or grow. So really counter to that storey or that belief of, if I don't punish myself, there'll be no accountability and there'll be no change and no growth. It's actually the opposite of that.

[00:09:12]:

It's only when we can lift off that cloak of shame and go, okay, what was actually going on here for me? And getting curious without self-judgment, that true accountability becomes possible in the sense of learning the lesson and going, okay, next time, here's how I'm going to approach that differently. So for me, that's really how you forgive yourself. That's how you learn the lessons. That's how you turn regret into a teacher rather than just stewing in shame and feeling worse about And then inevitably repeating some version of the same pattern next time, because all you've really done is further erode your self-esteem and your self-worth. And that sits at the root of so many of your fear-driven reactive behaviours in relationship anyway. Now, the other piece that was included in this question was, should I reach out to my ex to share all of those insights? Generally, my response would be no. Obviously, it depends so much on the circumstances, but I do think that it's a very anxious question in the sense of it is coming from the viewpoint and perspective of someone with anxious attachment patterns and assuming that someone with more avoidant patterns is going to feel the same way and process things in the same way, and they're going to be excited and delighted to hear about all of your attachment insights that you've had and the work you've been doing. I just think that more often than not, you're going to be disappointed by the outcome of that conversation because it's unlikely that they're going to be as enthusiastic as you are, that they're going to be open to hearing it, that they're going to be excited to learn more and want to give it another go based on what you've learned about yourself.

[00:10:47]:

I think more often than not that they've probably put it all in a box and moved on with their life, just because people with anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process the endings of relationships very differently. And I've done episodes about that that you can go and listen to. But I do think that more generally, When we grow and when we learn about ourselves, it is usually a better idea to take that knowledge with us into the future rather than frantically trying to rehash the past and trying to undo the past and have a do-over because we're now seeing things differently. Of course, there are going to be circumstances where maybe that is a good idea and maybe that can work. But if someone ended a relationship with you and you haven't really had contact with them, reaching out months later to say, hey, I've learned all this stuff about myself and can I tell you about it? I think oftentimes that's for your benefit more than it's for theirs. And you might find that that conversation goes very differently in reality, if they're even open to having it, than it does in your head. So obviously up to you, obviously very circumstantial, but that would be my 2 cents on whether it's a good idea to reach out to an ex to tell them all of the things that you've learned about yourself since the breakup. I think more often than not, it's best to just leave that door closed and take the knowledge with you into the future rather than Trying to backpedal into the past with it.

[00:12:11]:

Okay. Thanks for the question, guys. Sending you lots of love, and I look forward to seeing you.

[00:13:46]:

See you next time.

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Keywords from Podcast Episode

self-forgiveness, anxious attachment, shame, self-blame, relationship breakdown, learning from mistakes, personal growth, compassion, accountability, insecure attachment, black and white thinking, relationship dynamics, self-worth, vulnerability, self-esteem, emotional triggers, suppressing needs, self-abandonment, fear-driven behaviour, apologising to ex, reaching out after breakup, processing breakups, letting go of past, moving forward after breakup, curiosity, reflecting on behaviour, responsibility, self-reflection, healthy relationships, breakups and healing

#281: When You Want to Work on the Relationship But Your Partner Doesn't

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There are few things more frustrating and lonely than feeling like your relationship needs work, being willing to do that work, and feeling like your partner simply isn’t meeting you there.

Maybe you keep finding yourselves in the same conflict cycles. You’re feeling disconnected, there are unmet needs on both sides, and things just feel stuck.

You’ve tried talking about it. You’ve suggested therapy. You’ve brought up books, podcasts, conversations, or other ways you could work on things together. But instead of being met with openness, you’re met with resistance, dismissal, defensiveness, or shutdown.

It can leave you wondering: If they cared about me and this relationship, wouldn’t they want to work on it too?

It’s an understandable conclusion to reach. But your partner’s resistance may not necessarily mean what you think it means.

Why “Working on the Relationship” Can Feel So Different to Each Partner

If you lean towards anxious attachment, actively working on your relationship may feel inherently positive.

Talking about your relationship can feel connecting. It reinforces that there is an “us” and that you are both invested in building a future together.

Even when things are difficult, having your partner sit down and talk through those difficulties can provide reassurance. It can communicate: We’re still here. We’re working through this. Neither of us is going anywhere.

For someone who fears abandonment, that can feel deeply comforting.

But someone with more avoidant attachment patterns may experience those same conversations very differently.

Rather than hearing, Let’s work together to make our relationship stronger, they might hear:

You’re disappointing me.

You’re not being a good partner.

You’re failing at this relationship.

People with avoidant patterns often carry sensitivities around control, autonomy, failure, and shame. So a request to “work on the relationship” can inadvertently touch all of those tender places.

That doesn’t mean their refusal to engage is necessarily helpful or justified. But understanding what might be happening beneath the surface can help you stop automatically interpreting their resistance as proof that they don’t care.

They Might Feel Outmatched in Relationship Conversations

There’s another piece that can easily become a blind spot, particularly if you’re someone who spends a lot of time thinking and learning about relationships.

Maybe you’ve read the books. You listen to the podcasts. You understand attachment theory. You’re comfortable talking about emotions and can articulate exactly what’s happening between you.

Your partner might not have any of that language.

So when you sit down to have a big conversation about the relationship, what feels like an invitation to connect for you might feel like an incredibly unfair fight to them.

They might feel like you can run circles around them. You can process more quickly, articulate your thoughts more clearly, and explain exactly why their behaviour is contributing to the problem.

If someone already feels inadequate or ashamed, that can be incredibly intimidating.

And when they feel cornered, refusing to engage can become a form of self-protection. Shutting down gives them a way to regain some sense of control when they otherwise feel small, overwhelmed, or outmatched.

Again, understanding this doesn’t mean giving someone a free pass to avoid every difficult conversation.

It simply allows you to get curious about what might be happening rather than immediately telling yourself a painful story about what their behaviour means.

Be Careful of the Story You’re Telling Yourself

When your partner refuses to engage, it’s very easy to fill in the blanks.

You just don’t care.

If you loved me, you’d want to fix this.

Why am I the only one trying?

You clearly don’t care that I’m unhappy.

Those stories might feel incredibly convincing, particularly when you’re hurt and frustrated.

But they also tend to generate more anger, resentment, and criticism. And when you bring that energy into your next attempt at a conversation, your partner is even more likely to become defensive or withdraw.

Suddenly, you’re caught in the exact cycle you were trying to fix.

Instead, see if you can approach the situation with genuine curiosity.

You might acknowledge that you know these conversations are difficult for your partner and ask them to help you understand why.

You can explain that part of you interprets their reluctance as a sign that they don’t care, while also recognising that this might not be the whole story.

And importantly, you can invite them to contribute their own ideas.

If they don’t want to go to therapy or have the kinds of conversations you’ve been suggesting, what would working towards a better relationship look like to them?

Your way is not necessarily the only way.

The key here is that the invitation needs to be genuine. Asking your partner for ideas while internally thinking, Well, I’ve suggested everything and you’ve rejected it, so you figure it out, is very different from sincerely inviting collaboration.

Tone and energy matter.

Stop Trying to Fix Everything and Focus on Your Own Work

When a relationship feels hard, it’s natural to become fixated on fixing it.

But sometimes the most productive thing you can do is stop pointing all of your energy at the relationship and turn some of that attention back towards yourself.

This is particularly important if you struggle with anxious attachment.

A big part of anxious attachment can be hyperfixating on another person: what they’re doing, what they’re not doing, how they’re behaving, and what needs to change so that you can finally feel okay.

And while your partner absolutely has responsibility for how they show up in the relationship, constantly monitoring and trying to change their behaviour can leave you feeling powerless.

Your wellbeing becomes dependent on whether someone else does what you want or need them to do.

Part of moving towards greater security is learning to place your centre of gravity back within yourself.

What is actually within your control?

What feelings are yours to take responsibility for?

Where are you reacting rather than responding?

Where might fear be driving you towards criticism, blame, control, or protest?

What would it look like to build greater self-worth, self-respect, and self-trust regardless of what your partner chooses to do?

This isn’t about deciding that you’re the problem.

Relationship dynamics are relational. Both people contribute in different ways.

But your side of the dynamic is the place where you actually have agency.

Give Yourself Permission to Stop Scrutinising the Relationship

Sometimes we add another layer of pressure by constantly asking ourselves:

Should I stay or should I go?

Is this ever going to get better?

What if they never change?

How much longer should I give this?

When you’re examining every interaction through the lens of whether your relationship will survive, everything starts to feel incredibly high stakes.

Your threat system is already activated, so every disappointing thing your partner does becomes more evidence that something is terribly wrong.

If it feels appropriate for your situation, you might give yourself permission to temporarily park the decision.

You don’t necessarily have to decide the future of your relationship today.

Instead, you might choose a period of time where your focus is simply on yourself.

Rather than spending all of your energy cataloguing what your partner is doing wrong, you can ask what needs your attention within you.

Sometimes that shift alone changes the relational dynamic.

When you loosen your grip, stop scrutinising your partner, and redirect your attention towards yourself, you create space.

Your partner may feel less judged or monitored. They might have more room to step forward, take initiative, or move towards you in ways they couldn’t when they felt like the relationship was constantly under a microscope.

There are no guarantees that this will happen.

But even if your partner doesn’t change, you will still benefit from strengthening your relationship with yourself.

You Still Get to Decide What Kind of Relationship You Want

None of this means you need to stay indefinitely in a relationship where you feel lonely, disconnected, or unable to communicate.

Understanding why someone struggles to engage is not the same thing as accepting a relationship that consistently fails to meet your needs.

You are allowed to decide that being able to talk openly with your partner and work through important issues together is something you need in a relationship.

But making that decision from a foundation of self-trust and self-respect is very different from trying to make it from a place of panic, insecurity, or fear of abandonment.

That’s another reason your own work matters so much.

The stronger your relationship with yourself becomes, the more clearly you can assess the relationship in front of you. You can advocate for yourself more effectively. You can recognise what belongs to you and what doesn’t. And you can trust yourself to handle whatever comes next.

Bring Your Focus Back to Where You Have Agency

If you feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall trying to convince your partner to change, engage, go to therapy, or work on the relationship in the way you think they should, consider redirecting some of that energy.

Get curious about why your attempts at connection might not be landing the way you intend.

Invite your partner into the conversation rather than prescribing what the solution needs to look like.

And most importantly, come back to yourself.

You cannot control whether your partner chooses to do their work.

But you can build greater self-awareness, self-worth, self-trust, and emotional security within yourself.

And whether your relationship ultimately changes, stays the same, or you decide that it’s no longer right for you, that work will never be wasted.

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FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• FREE TRAINING: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
  

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You might also like…

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[00:01:29]:

Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about what to do when your partner doesn't wanna work on the relationship and you do, and you feel like there's a lot of work that needs to be done because things are feeling hard and stuck and unsatisfactory. And maybe you find yourselves in the same conflict cycles over and over again, and it's really clear that you're both feeling disconnected and there's unmet needs and all of the things, but your attempts at getting through to your partner at having conversations, at suggesting solutions, are being met with dismissal or resistance or shutdown, and you feel a little bit empty-handed. Which I'm sure what I've just described will be familiar to a lot of people. It's certainly something that I've dealt with at various points in my past relationships and even probably my current relationship in different seasons. And it's, it's very real and it's very hard when we feel Like we are trying in earnest to make positive changes, but our partner is not joining us in that. They're not meeting us in that.

[00:02:36]:

They're not on board. And we just don't really know where to turn, whether that means it's the end of the road for the relationship or whether we're not approaching it in the right way. And of course, I don't think that there's any one answer to that, and it will always be influenced by so many different variables. But in today's episode, I want to share some thoughts about How you might get yourself unstuck, some things that you can do, places you can put your energy so that you don't feel like you're just banging your head up against a brick wall and then feeling frustrated and lonely and resentful, which I think is where it often goes and where we often end up, which is obviously not a nice place to be. So that's what we're going to be talking about in today's episode. Before I do, just a quick reminder that I have a lot of free resources on my website. Whether you're someone who's struggling with anxious attachment and you are looking to understand yourself better and your own patterns, there's plenty there for you. But I also do have resources for couples.

[00:03:35]:

I have a couples course, but I also have a free masterclass about anxious avoidant dynamics. There's so much there and it's really worth spending some time to dig into and download a few bits and pieces that you feel might be relevant to you and your situation. So I'll pop the link to my free resources page in the show notes, or you can head straight to my website at stephanieriegg.com. Okay, so let's talk about this, what to do when you're feeling really stuck in your relationship and you're wanting to work on things and your partner isn't. So as I spoke to in the introduction, I really just want to validate how hard this can feel and how unfair it can feel. I think it really can feel very unfair when you are really trying and you're really wanting things to get better, and you're even willing to own your part and your contribution, and you're trying to approach it in a constructive way rather than devolving into blame and criticism and attack. If you're really trying to clean up your side of the street, but your partner is still unwilling and is not engaging, that can feel like they're not holding up their end of the deal, and that your hands are sort of tied because obviously you can only take it so far yourself. And so I just wanna acknowledge, again, from experience and from supporting so many people in this situation, how hard that can be.

[00:04:56]:

With that That being said, I suppose I want to offer a couple of different perspectives on that situation because I think we can have some blind spots, particularly if you are the more anxiously attached partner in the dynamic, which I know a lot of my listeners are, and you're in a relationship with someone who maybe leans more avoidant in their attachment patterns. Because so often, as with, you know, so many different areas, we can think that our way is the right way or the only way or the better way, and then we can whether we realise it or not, judge our partner or impose that onto our partner and become a little bit righteous about the fact that they're not cooperating with what we're proposing and then feel like they're the problem. And it's such an easy place for us to go. But of course, anytime we get into that oppositional mindset of, you're the problem, no, you're the problem, it's just, it's over before it's even begun. It's completely self-defeating and we're never gonna get what we want out of that, which is ultimately attunement and connection. So to take a step back, I think it's important to acknowledge at the outset that for people with anxious attachment patterns, working on the relationship is kind of a positively coded thing. It's something that is likely to feel connective because when we're actively talking about the relationship, that almost reinforces the existence of the relationship. And there's a sense of connection in that.

[00:06:16]:

There's a sense of joint endeavour. There's a sense of building something for our future together. And all of that reinforces that we're in a relationship and we're going to continue to be in a relationship. And there's a sense of investment and all of the things. And that's comforting. For someone whose tendency is to fear abandonment, to fear disconnection, to fear that things are all going to change and you're going to slip away and I'm going to lose you. So even if the relationship's feeling hard, um, you know, working on it is always something that we're going to turn towards and be enthusiastic about rather than turn away from or be reluctant to pursue. On the contrary, someone with more avoidant patterns tends not to view working on the relationship as a positive thing.

[00:06:58]:

And there's a few reasons for that. The first being, and I've spoken about this on the podcast before. Some of the underlying wounds of people with avoidant patterns, by contrast with anxious folks who tend to fear abandonment and rejection, people with more avoidant patterns tend to fear being controlled, a loss of autonomy. They tend to fear failure and have a lot of shame around not being a good partner or not doing a good job. And so they can really push back against any messaging that could be construed as, you are disappointing me, or I am unhappy because of you. And oftentimes the, we need to work on the relationship and we need to go to therapy and we need to talk about all of the things that aren't working, that can register as, you are failing as my partner and I'm disappointed in you and I'm unhappy and you're not doing a good job. And that's really hard to turn towards with an open mind and go, great, tell me more about it, for someone whose blueprint tells them to turn away from those, you know, painful and difficult feelings rather than, you know, to rush in and try and fix them with Which is the more anxious way. So it's not to say that any of that's right or wrong or better or worse.

[00:08:10]:

It's just context. And if you are really wanting to approach your relationship from a constructive place, you've got to be willing to get curious about the ways in which your partner might be different to you and why your very genuine attempts at whatever it is you're doing are not landing in the intended way with them and might be actually impacting them in a really unintended way and making them feel demoralised or discouraged or attacked. Even though that's far from being your intention. So that's one piece that can create this resistance in avoidant partners to doing the work, because it just feels like a reminder of all of the things you're doing wrong and all of the ways that you're not, you know, meeting my expectations. But there's another big piece, and again, it can be a bit of a blind spot for those of us who are more comfortable talking about feelings and talking about relationship and are quite emotionally literate. Compare that to someone with more avoidant patterns who probably has a lot less experience with articulating themselves, probably spends a lot less time thinking about the relationship dynamics and analysing that and reading the books and listening to the podcasts and having a whole framework to make sense of it. It can really feel like there's a mismatch and that to go to therapy, for example, or even just to sit at home and have a big conversation about what's not working, they can feel like, I am no match for you in this conversation. You can just run circles around me in how quickly you can process it, how you can articulate yourself, the arguments that you can mount against me as to why I'm doing something wrong or why you're in the right.

[00:09:52]:

It can feel like a really unfair fight. And so when someone's feeling like that and they're feeling a bit cornered and they're feeling lectured to and they're feeling like they're maybe intellectually or emotionally outmatched by their partner, just shutting down or refusing to engage is a bit of a power move. It's the way that they can feel like they're in control when they might otherwise be feeling really small. And again, that's not to say that that's then a reasonable or a helpful thing for them to do, but it's just looking at their refusal to engage or their reluctance to engage, not from a place of them not caring about the relationship, but actually it's just a form of self-protection a lot of the time. And again, if we can see that someone's feeling really intimidated by those conversations and really like they're almost unqualified to have those conversations because it tends not to go very well for them. The track record doesn't point to those conversations being very helpful or them being able to effectively get their point across. Just avoiding them altogether becomes a solution, even if it's not a great one, it's at least a solution that protects them from that discomfort and the impacts that those conversations tend to have on the relationship, which oftentimes they're not actually helpful because we lack the skills to have them in a constructive way. So I offer that again just to contextualise why someone might have resistance to doing the work in the way that you would naturally gravitate towards or that would feel good for you.

[00:11:26]:

And again, I'm going to just keep saying this because I know people are going to comment and protest. It's not to say that's therefore fine or justified. It's just to acknowledge that it's oftentimes not personal. And I think that contextualising someone's behaviour in the context of the things that are hard for them in relationships. It's not about giving them a free pass to continue doing that. It's just so that we can take it less personally and we cannot interpret it through the lens of what it would mean if we were doing it. Because when we do that, then we craft this whole storey of, you just don't care. You don't care about when I'm upset.

[00:11:58]:

You should wanna meet my needs. You just don't care about me or this relationship. If you really loved me, you'd wanna hear about all the things I'm struggling with, and all those other storeys which are really unhelpful because they just make you feel worse and they make you feel more upset, more angry, this greater sense of injustice. And all of that energy coming to these conversations is not gonna get you what you want. It's just going to add fuel to the fire of everything that I've just described. So all of that being said, I think a much more helpful way of approaching it, rather than making your partner wrong for not wanting to do the work in the way that you would like, is to open up a conversation and say, okay, I get that these conversations are hard for you, or you don't really enjoy them, or you don't think that they're helpful. And maybe also I get that you don't wanna go to therapy. Can you help me to understand that, where you're coming from? Because the storey I'm telling myself is that if you cared, you would wanna do that.

[00:12:58]:

And I realise that's not a helpful storey for me to be stuck in, but I'm struggling to see it from another perspective. So can you help me out? Or, do you have any other suggestions? Because I get that my way's not the only way, but I also really want us to be able to feel more connected and for us both to feel better about the relationship. And it's felt hard recently. And that's scary for me because I don't want to feel like we're just turning our backs on each other and giving up. But equally, the suggestions that I'm putting forward, you don't seem to be picking up. So do you have any other ideas? And saying all of that with a genuine spirit of openness and collaboration and invitation, rather than saying it from a judgmental and righteous place of, well, I'm making all the suggestions and you're just saying no, so you tell me what we should do. Like, there's a complete tonal difference. And even the same thing delivered from that different energy is going to elicit defensiveness and shutdown and disengagement.

[00:13:56]:

So be really mindful and be sincere in inviting collaboration and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, rather than just assuming that they're being obstructive and difficult for the sake of it, and it's all pointless, and why do I even bother? I get it. I know that that's an easy place to go, but it's also not a helpful one if your goal is to actually get connection and engagement. So that is one piece, and it's a big piece. The other key piece is this. In my work generally, when people come to me and they're having a really hard time in their relationship, and they're trying all of the things to fix it, oftentimes my advice will be, work on your own stuff first and foremost. Just leave the relationship drama for a bit because it's probably not going anywhere. Don't keep trying to engage and fix and address the problem head on. When you know you've got your own stuff to deal with.

[00:14:52]:

And this can be a bit of a delicate dance because of course, trying to shift your own patterns when the relationship is feeling really hard can be tricky. It can be asking a lot of your system. If the relationship is inherently insecure and very triggering, to kind of heal in your own lane when you're still getting triggered every day because the relationship feels fundamentally under a lot of stress and is triggering all of your wounds, then that might be equivalent to taking one step forward and two steps back. But if you can, and to the extent that you can, focusing on doing your own work. So building up a greater sense of self, and this is particularly if you know you really struggle with anxious attachment. Because for people with anxious attachment patterns, the fixation on the other person and their behaviour and what they're doing and trying to control that so that we feel better, that's actually part of the anxious attachment pattern that we're trying to shift away from. We're trying to shift towards more agency, more self-awareness, more of a sense of, okay, what's within my control and how can I take responsibility for my own feelings rather than outsourcing them to my partner and then trying to control them so that I feel the way I want to feel? That is really bound up in a lot of our stuff. And so sometimes when we go into that relationship fixing mode from this place of grip and control and rigidity, that actually can keep us in our part of the dance even though we are really earnestly trying shift the relationship to a healthier place.

[00:16:27]:

Because what can often happen, and God knows I was guilty of this in my previous relationship, is I'd say all the right things and I'd deliver the scripts, but then if my partner didn't meet me in that, which he often didn't, I'd very quickly snap back to blame and criticism and him being the problem and I'm doing all the right things and you're not coming to the table. And so it was a very flimsy attempt at almost performing secure attachment when I just didn't have the foundation within myself to really follow through on what I was saying I needed. I didn't have that deep self-worth and self-respect. And it was only for me when I did that work within myself that my relationship dynamics changed. And it just so happened in my case that I also changed relationships. But even still, doing that work within me allowed me to show up to my relationships completely differently and from a much sturdier place where I wasn't so prone to attacking and blaming and controlling and protesting and doing all of those things that are a natural expression of So it's not to say you're the problem, so fix yourself. It's just to acknowledge that all of these dynamics are dynamic and relational, and that we contribute in our own ways. And for people with anxious attachment patterns, part of our contribution is that we are hyperfixated on the other person, on what they're doing, and what we'd like them to be doing.

[00:17:54]:

And And it's not a helpful place for us to put our energy. And part of our work, whether the relationship's feeling good or not, whether we're in a relationship or not, is actually learning to place our centre of gravity back within ourselves. Because that allows us to take responsibility for what's ours. It allows us to see more clearly. It allows us to respond rather than react. It allows us to advocate for ourselves from a more healthy and grounded place. Really, everything benefits when we build up that foundation within ourselves, which is the part that we've typically neglected. So I offer that again, recognising that it can be really hard to do that work within yourself if things are feeling really hard in your relationship, because that naturally takes up so much of your focus, and it can be challenging to create sort of an energetic boundary around yourself to do that work without being pulled back into whatever's going on in the relationship.

[00:18:49]:

But if at all possible, if you can just Choose not to engage, to choose not to focus on all the things that are missing, to not put the pressure on yourself to make a decision about the future of the relationship, if that's a piece as well. I think sometimes when we're looking at our relationship through this lens of scrutiny and should I stay or should I go, is it gonna get better, everything feels really high pressure and high stakes. And that just magnifies our threat perception with respect to everything that our partner does or doesn't do. And so just parking that and saying, I'm not gonna make any decisions for the next however long, I'm just gonna leave that there and I'm gonna focus on my own stuff because I know that there's stuff that needs my attention and focusing all my energy on what my partner's doing wrong is a really neat way to avoid looking in the mirror. And I know it takes a lot of courage and we can really feel like, but they are the one doing all of the things and if they did change, everything would get better. And that might be true, but it's not the full picture. And it's also extremely disempowering and a really reliable way to feel angry and resentful and bitter and all of those things. So if you want to free yourself from that burden and you wanna feel like there are actual things that you can do to exercise agency and to feel like, I am creating some momentum, focusing on cleaning up your side of the street is always a good idea, no matter what's going on in your relationship and what your partner's doing or not doing.

[00:20:14]:

And with the added benefit that sometimes that can actually shift things without you directly pointing a fire hose at the relationship. Sometimes you shifting your energy and letting go of the grip there and not kind of looming over your partner and them feeling the energy of your judgement or criticism or scrutiny or need to fix and sort of shifting your focus back to yourself. Like sometimes that alone can really create a ripple effect that creates some space for your partner to step forward, to take some initiative, to move towards you. That change to, to your side, to your input to the equation can actually create new experiences in the relational field. But even if it doesn't, you will always benefit from doing that work. So it's always worth doing, no matter what your partner does or doesn't do in response. And I will just finish by saying that none of this is to suggest that you have to or should stay in a relationship that feels gridlocked, that feels lonely, and no matter what you try, your partner's not coming to the table, refuses to engage. You are absolutely allowed to feel like that is not satisfactory and it's not what you want.

[00:21:25]:

And I'm certainly not telling you that, you know, you should stay in that. That's something that only you can decide. And for me personally, I wouldn't be willing to be in a relationship where I felt like I couldn't talk to my partner about things that were bothering me and that we didn't have that open channel to work on things that felt important to either of us. But what I will say is, again, going back to the self piece, oftentimes it's only when we do that work within ourselves that we can see that clearly and feel confident in our ability to make the right decision for ourselves, for the future of the relationship, if it does feel like it's at that level. It's a really hard decision to make from a place of fear and insecurity and low self-worth. So once again, all roads lead back to when we do that work within ourselves. Our self-trust around both decision-making and our trust in our ability to handle whatever might come next is always going to benefit from us having done that work within ourselves. So if you are feeling stuck in your relationship, you really can't lose by focusing on your own stuff, on your own work, not because you're the problem, but because that's ultimately where your agency can be meaningfully exercised, where you can take responsibility, where you can take action rather than banging your head up against a brick wall and waiting for someone to be different or to change or to do what you want them to, which is a recipe for a lot of stress and frustration.

[00:22:48]:

Okay. Sending you lots of love. I know what it's like to be in that situation. So if you're there, my heart goes out to you. Thank you. And I hope that you've gotten something from this episode. And thanks as always, everyone, for listening and for your support, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.

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Keywords from Podcast Episode

relationship conflict, partner resistance, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, attachment patterns, relationship dissatisfaction, emotional disconnection, unmet needs, conflict cycles, personal growth, self-awareness, communication barriers, relationship advice, couples therapy, anxious-avoidant dynamics, emotional literacy, self-protection, blame and criticism, feeling stuck, relationship solutions, self-worth, self-respect, relational dynamics, relationship agency, relationship boundaries, emotional triggers, healthy connection, relationship decision-making, self-trust, relationship resources