#274: Attachment & Conflict (Part 3): How to Experience Healthier Conflict
Conflict is one of those inevitable parts of relationships that most of us never actually learn how to navigate well.
Depending on our attachment patterns, we often default to one of two extremes: we either avoid conflict altogether or rush in with urgency, trying to resolve it as quickly as possible. Neither approach typically leads to the connection we're looking for.
The good news? Conflict is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
Conflict is one of those inevitable parts of relationships that most of us never actually learn how to navigate well.
Depending on our attachment patterns, we often default to one of two extremes: we either avoid conflict altogether or rush in with urgency, trying to resolve it as quickly as possible. Neither approach typically leads to the connection we're looking for.
The good news? Conflict is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
Whether you're navigating disagreements with a romantic partner, a family member, a friend, or a colleague, learning how to approach conflict differently can transform the quality of your relationships. It's not about eliminating conflict altogether—it's about learning how to move through it in ways that deepen trust rather than damage it.
Shift Your Mindset About Conflict
One of the biggest barriers to healthy conflict is the belief that someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong.
When we enter disagreements trying to prove our case, defend ourselves, or convince the other person that our experience is the "correct" one, we quickly become trapped in a cycle of blame and defensiveness.
Instead, try shifting your perspective.
Rather than seeing yourselves as opponents, view the unhealthy communication pattern as the problem. It's no longer me versus you—it's us versus the pattern.
This subtle shift creates far more room for curiosity, empathy, and collaboration.
Don't Be Afraid to Pause
When emotions escalate, it's tempting to keep pushing through the conversation in the hope of finally reaching resolution.
Ironically, that's often when we're least capable of having a productive discussion.
Healthy conflict sometimes means recognizing when neither of you is in the right headspace to continue. Taking a timeout isn't avoidance when it's done intentionally. It can be one of the healthiest things you do.
A pause gives both nervous systems time to settle so you can return to the conversation with more clarity, less reactivity, and a greater capacity to actually hear one another.
If You Have Anxious Attachment...
People with anxious attachment often experience conflict as deeply threatening. When emotions are activated, there's a natural impulse to seek reassurance, explain everything, and resolve the issue immediately.
While understandable, these habits can unintentionally make conflict more overwhelming for both people.
Slow Down and Say Less
When anxiety takes over, many people begin talking faster, saying more, and trying harder to make themselves understood.
The challenge is that the more overwhelmed your partner becomes, the less able they are to truly hear you.
Instead of filling every silence, allow space. Speak more slowly. Say less.
Giving your partner time to process often creates far more productive conversations than trying to fill every gap with more explanation.
Stay With One Issue
Another common tendency is bringing every previous example into the current conversation.
You may find yourself saying:
"This always happens."
"Remember last month when..."
"And it's not just this..."
While this often comes from a desire to feel understood, it usually leaves the other person feeling overwhelmed and defensive.
Keeping the conversation focused on one issue at a time makes it much easier for both people to stay engaged and actually resolve something.
Accept "Good Enough"
For many anxiously attached people, conflict doesn't feel fully resolved until there's absolute certainty that it will never happen again.
But relationships rarely offer that kind of guarantee.
Sometimes a healthy outcome isn't perfection—it's progress.
Being willing to accept an imperfect but genuine repair allows relationships to move forward instead of becoming stuck in endless cycles of reassurance-seeking.
If You Have Avoidant Attachment...
People with avoidant attachment often experience conflict very differently.
Rather than feeling compelled to move toward the conflict, they often feel overwhelmed, flooded, or unsure how to respond.
This can lead to shutting down, withdrawing, or becoming defensive.
Say What You're Experiencing
If you genuinely don't know what to say, say exactly that.
Simple statements like:
"I'm feeling overwhelmed."
"I need a minute to think."
"I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now."
are infinitely more connecting than going silent.
Your partner is usually far less distressed by hearing that you're overwhelmed than by trying to interpret silence.
Advocate for Yourself
Avoidant partners often swing between two extremes:
apologising simply to end the conversation
becoming defensive and rejecting everything being said
Neither approach creates genuine intimacy.
Healthy conflict means sharing your own internal experience honestly while also remaining open to hearing your partner's.
Your perspective matters too.
Avoid Dismissive Language
When conflict feels uncomfortable, it can be tempting to say things like:
"Here we go again."
"Do we really have to do this?"
"I'm not doing this."
Even if those comments are driven by overwhelm rather than malice, they often communicate something very different:
"Your feelings are a burden."
That kind of dismissal tends to intensify conflict rather than end it.
Healthy Conflict Is a Practice
No one handles conflict perfectly.
We all fall back into old patterns from time to time, particularly when we're stressed or emotionally activated.
The goal isn't perfection.
The goal is becoming more aware of your default responses and gradually replacing them with healthier ones.
When you learn to slow down, communicate more openly, tolerate discomfort, and remember that you're on the same team, conflict stops being something that threatens your relationship.
Instead, it becomes one of the very things that strengthens it.
Every disagreement is an opportunity to build greater understanding, deeper trust, and more emotional safety—provided you're willing to approach it differently.
Because healthy relationships aren't defined by the absence of conflict.
They're defined by how we repair, reconnect, and grow through it together.
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[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking once again about attachment and conflict. And today's episode, which is part 3, is all about tips for having more productive, healthier conflict in your relationships. And I think that this will really span all of your relationships in your life, not just romantic relationships. So it's not one that won't apply to you if you're not currently in a romantic relationship. I think overall conflict is a skill that most of us are lacking in. And as we've talked about in the previous 2 episodes in this series, depending on our makeup, we've probably habitually learned to move away from conflict or to rush in and kind of smother conflict, try to make it go away. But few of us have a really healthy, positive blueprint around what it means to go through conflict and rupture in relationships in a way that isn't really damaging and that isn't kind of solely about our self-protection, however that shows up.
[00:01:01]:
So being able to Actually taking a 360-degree view of the situation to honour our experience and the other person's experience is really like relationship mastery. And it will vastly improve every relationship in your life to cultivate these skills and to be humble enough to do that work, because I do think it takes a lot of humility and maturity to have conflict in a healthier way. So we're gonna be talking about some general tips for anyone in a relationship or otherwise, you know, how you should be thinking about conflict, ways that you might reposition your mindset to lessen the chance that you end up really stuck in a rut of villain and victim, me versus you, fighting over whose experience is the right one and both ending up feeling unheard and disconnected, which is of course not what we want, but often what happens. And then I'm going to go into specific tips for people with more anxious attachment patterns, as well as those with more avoidant attachment patterns, as I promised I would. As a follow-up to parts 1 and 2 of this series, which were kind of a deep dive on the experience of conflict from each of those perspectives. So if you haven't listened to parts 1 and 2, you may wanna do that before listening to this episode, or you can go back afterwards. It doesn't really matter terribly much. Before we get into today's episode, I did wanna remind you again that my program, the Secure Self Challenge, is coming back and it's kicking off next week.
[00:02:35]:
So in case you missed me talking about it, historically I've run the Secure Self Challenge as a 28-day challenge, but for the first time ever, I've decided to build it into an 8-week program, which is really all about building self-worth and becoming someone who you genuinely like and respect, and transforming that inner relationship as the foundation for transforming your other relationships in your life. And I would say your relationship to life more broadly. This is really the work for those of us in particular who anxious attachment patterns, although I will say that this programme is probably the least anxious attachment specific of my programs. So if you're someone with, for example, more fearful avoidant patterns, the Secure Self Challenge is also a really beautiful programme for you to consider. But tending to that broken inner relationship and starting to show up for ourselves, starting to really know ourselves, starting to back ourselves, starting to navigate life in a way that is self-honoring on every level. It allows us to rebalance our centre of gravity so that it's not over there and trying to control other people and obsessing over what they think of us or what they don't and whether they'll choose us or whether they'll leave us. All of that's so, so energy intensive and very, very draining, and it just takes us further and further away from ourselves, and we feel really lost and alone and vulnerable when we're living and relating from that place. So the Secure Self Challenge is all about bringing yourself back to base and rebuilding building that foundation, not so that you don't need to go and be in relationship and you can just be your own island of solitude and independence.
[00:04:12]:
That's not at all the point. It's just that we relate really differently when we are comfortable with who we are and we know what we want and we're willing to stand behind that. So if that sounds like something that you might want or need, I would love to invite you into the challenge. It'll be a really beautiful opportunity to do this work with me and with other people who get it. It's a very community-focused Yeah. So there's plenty of interaction with me, with others, live calls. There's a community space, all of the things in addition to the video modules, which you can do in your own time. And so there's still a few more days to join, but the early bird price will be ending tomorrow.
[00:04:53]:
So if you are at all considering joining, today's a really good day to do it. We won't be extending that early bird price to anyone who reaches out after the deadline. So the link to all of that is in the show notes. There's all of the information on my website, you know, the full curriculum, FAQs, all of the things. So go cheque it out if you're at all interested and consider joining us for the challenge, which kicks off next week. Okay, so let's talk about how to have healthier conflict. Now, as I said in the introduction, I think a really key overarching piece is ensuring that you are both approaching the whole idea of conflict in your relationship from as constructive and collaborative a place as possible. Because as we all know from experience, it's really, really easy to slip into this very antagonistic, oppositional mindset of needing to figure out who's wrong and who's right and whose experience is more valid and whose behaviour is justified having regard to the other person who started it and all of the things, right? And naturally, of course, we live in our own experience and that's how we see the world.
[00:06:00]:
So of course we think that we only did our thing because they did their thing first. And that's always going to feel true to both of us. We think that we're responding to someone else rather than starting it. And all of the things, right? We could just argue until the cows come home about the truth. But the real truth is that we're both having an experience of each other and of the moment. And if we keep trying to fight over whose experience is right, we will just keep fighting. And that's not ultimately what we want. What we really want is To feel connected to this person who we love and who we value and who we are maintaining a relationship with.
[00:06:39]:
And we wanna feel like they care about us and our experience. We wanna feel attuned to, we wanna feel like they understand, or at least that they're trying to understand. These are the things that we actually want. So just going to battle over whose experience or emotion or response or all of that is justified is a Big waste of time and we just need to like park that because it's never gonna get us what we want, right? So really step one in all of this is when it comes to conflict, I need to shift out of that oppositional approach and into curiosity as much as I can. So curiosity really just asks us to pause in our judgement and our analysis and actually inquire as to what someone else might be going through, how they might be seeing the situation, how our good intentions might not have landed as we'd hoped that they would've, how we might've been misunderstood along the way, and really approaching the whole situation from this place of we are on the same team. And this conflict cycle that we get sucked into so reliably is our common enemy that we wanna be protecting ourselves against. That's the piece that we wanna be really watching rather than protecting ourselves against each other. Because naturally, whenever we're in this stance of feeling like we need to protect ourselves against the other person, then it's really, really hard to ever find connection from that place because we have very limited empathy for someone who we feel threatened by.
[00:08:12]:
So, you know, if you are in a relationship, I think a really great starting point saying like, let's not do this. We're on the same team. Let's not go into our usual conflict. Let's not let this get the better of us. Can we pause and reset? I think having that reminder, it's almost like a circuit break of you and I, we love each other. We care about each other. Let's not get sucked into old patterns because they are so, so easy to get sucked into, and we all know that. So I think being able to remind ourselves of that overarching vision and goal and intention that like we are on the same team and we do want good things for one another and for our relationship, and we can get through the friction of a moment that gets misconstrued or a concern or unmet needs or whatever other challenges we might be facing.
[00:09:03]:
The purpose of us being in a relationship together is to face those things. As a team. And I think when you can shift out of fighting each other to fighting against those unhealthy patterns that you get drawn into, that's a really powerful shift. I think another helpful general tip is to really not be afraid of taking a timeout or having a redo, or just like taking the pressure out of the moment if you can feel something escalating. And this is just an area where you have to exercise some responsibility because it's so tempting to just like chase the Yeah. That escalating tension, right? When you feel so fired up and you feel like they're doing their thing and you wanna react and they're pushing your buttons and you're pushing their buttons, it's really— oftentimes it's quite frustrating to not follow that because the urge is so strong and you've got all this energy in your system that's saying like, take the bait and go. So I usually think that there's like a huge degree of maturity and love actually in declining to participate in that escalating back and forth, when you can feel like something's picking up some heat and you know where it's gonna go, saying something like, okay, this is clearly not working as a conversation right now in this moment. Like, let's take a breather.
[00:10:19]:
Let's come back to this later. Or, can I start again? Because I feel like this isn't landing very well. Can I have another go? Like, just really finding a way to reset and either taking a pause away from the conflict altogether or just Acknowledging that it's not going to plan rather than kind of buckling in and going for it. I think all of those little gestures of goodwill signal to the other person, even on a subconscious level, like, this person is not my enemy, right? They are not trying to hurt me. They're not out to get me. And I don't have to have my guard up. I don't need to be ready to go into battle with this person. So as much as possible, finding ways to signal love and care and consideration in those moments where we know that the heat is rising a little.
[00:11:06]:
Because realistically, and I've said this before, and if you've done any of my programs, you will have heard me talk about it. When we become dysregulated, and in those moments when we're both dysregulated, our systems are just registering the other person as a threat, and that leads us to feel more dysregulated. We can't really have healthy conflict when we're both really fired up, when the tension's running really high, when we're both feeling attacked and blamed and judged, and it's bringing up all of our stuff from all of the other moments that maybe didn't get resolved. Like, it's really, really hard to get anything done from that place. And as I said earlier, the thing that we all want, which is like attunement and understanding and connection, and for someone to see us in the experience we're having, we're not gonna get it in those moments. So we should really just stop trying to push through and trying to be right and trying to overpower the other person and actually just almost like take in a bird's eye view and go, yeah, this is not worth doing right now, this is not going to lead me or us where I want us to go. So being, you know, humble and courageous enough to actually just decline to participate in a really loving way and say like, look, let's not do this right now. It doesn't feel like it's going to end well.
[00:12:21]:
And I don't want that for us. I think it's a really beautiful personal boundary to have in your relationships. And for anyone who might be thinking like, why do I have to be the one to lead that? Because I know that that can be a bit of a sore point, particularly for a lot of people in anxious avoidant dynamics feeling like, well, they're not going to be responsible and boundaried and be learning about how to have healthier conflict, so why does it fall to me? It doesn't fall to you. It's something that you can choose to do for yourself and for the relationship, or you can choose not to do it. But like, that's entirely your choice. So you can absolutely exercise your right to continue having dysfunctional, unhealthy conflict where you're reactive and lash out and do all of the things if that's what you want, just to prove a point that you you shouldn't have to be the one to do things differently, then go for your life. But I don't think that that's really what you want. So in all of this, I think we have to look at where's my agency, where's my power, where's my choice? And that resides with how we respond, the choices that we make.
[00:13:25]:
And from that place, oftentimes our relationships take a new path and new things become possible because we've decided to clean up our side of the street and lead the way towards a different way of doing things in our relationship. So I don't think that you can really lose by deciding that you're to step out of your part of the dance. Okay, so moving now to some more specific tips for anxious partners, and then I'll speak to some specific tips for avoidant partners. And these are more like little in-the-moment things based on how you typically show up during conflict and ways that you could maybe course correct so that you don't fall into those or exacerbate the cycles and the patterns that you probably find yourself in when it comes to conflict. So as I talked about in the episode on anxious attachment and conflict, What's very common is to speed up and to say lots of things and to kind of go into overdrive and overwhelm the other person emotionally and cognitively. It's just like a lot to be on the receiving end of, oftentimes because you've been bottling it up and you've been rehearsing it and practising it and saying all of the things in your head and having the imaginary conversations. And so when you finally get your window of opportunity, it's like all systems go. And particularly if you have an avoidant partner, that can be a lot to kind of sit and receive.
[00:14:39]:
Yeah. So my first tip for you, if you're someone with anxious patterns, is just to slow down a lot and say fewer words. Resist the urge to fill every silence with more words or more poking and prodding. I used to be really, really terrible at this in my previous relationship. If my partner was kind of sitting processing something that I'd said, I couldn't tolerate the silence or I'd interpret it as, you know, him not caring or him kind of zoning out or ignoring me. Yeah. I'd keep poking and saying like, aren't you gonna say something? Are you just gonna sit there? I just really couldn't handle sitting in the stillness of that when so much fire was happening inside of me. And so that's something that I had to really work on.
[00:15:27]:
And my current relationship, when we have conflict or big conversations, which is much less often than we used to, and certainly much less often than I used to in my previous relationship, but when we do, there'll often be extended silences. And that's absolutely— Yeah. fine for me. I'm pretty comfortable to leave that space because I know that my partner is processing and that in order for him to give me the kind of thoughtful, considered response that I ultimately want, he needs that space to be able to do it, and he needs to not feel the pressure of me kind of looming over him. So really try and give more space to the conversation. Try not to overwhelm the other person with all of the words and all of the And all of the context and explanation. And that's oftentimes a thing that we do because we're trying to micromanage how we're received. And we wanna make sure that we are perfectly understood.
[00:16:29]:
And that makes sense because we've probably got a history of feeling misunderstood or invalidated or dismissed. And so we're trying to almost like preemptively buffer against that happening. But I think oftentimes it actually just hits the other person like this big wall of anxiety that they have to absorb, and it's a lot. Yeah. Finding a way to just say what you need to say in as plain language as you can, and then leaving some space for the other person to respond, I think is a really, really good skill for you to practise and to work on. And it will be something that you'll need to practise because it won't come naturally for most people. Okay. Next tip for anxious attachers is try and keep the conversation to one issue.
[00:17:09]:
Again, I think because we're so accustomed to feeling invalidated or dismissed or brushed off when we bring a concern, we'll often try and like really bolster our case, so to speak, by pulling all of the examples of all of the times that this has happened. And it's not just this, it's also that, and it's this and it's that. And we try and make our feelings inarguable. And we try and prove to them without a shadow of a doubt that they really have done this thing or they have hurt us in this way and we are justified to feel the way we do. And of course, like again, that's coming from a really earnest place of wanting to be understood, but it often has the effect of the other person just feeling like ambushed and attacked. Because it's not just like, oh, you're coming at me about this thing, but you've also been harbouring all of these other things that apparently I've been messing up or disappointing you with. And almost always you're just gonna get defensiveness or shutdown when you go in with a full shopping list of complaints and criticisms and bringing in all of the past things and maybe trying to like relitigate or reopen past conversations that never fully felt resolved. Like, all of that is really counterproductive.
[00:18:23]:
And what will almost always happen is you won't get resolution on any of those things. The conversation will just escalate and then kind of spiral and end without anything satisfactory. Whereas if you keep it to one issue, then you're actually in with a shot at getting somewhere on that one issue, and that's a better outcome than getting nowhere on 15 issues. So I know that it's really hard to do that, to keep the focus narrow, Because you probably do have all of these other things that have been bothering you that you haven't been speaking up on. But I think that over time, as you build a healthier culture in your relationship around conflict, and you feel like there's a bit more positive momentum, and you actually start to have healthier conversations around conflict, and you start to rewire that blueprint that says, oh, okay, conflict can be had in a way that feels emotionally safe and productive, and we actually get somewhere, then you probably won't end up harbouring all of those worries and pushing them down until they explode. So I think over the long term, if you can just try and clock some wins, so to speak, then that will only be of benefit to the broader pattern that you have around expressing things, around self-advocacy, and around conflict and resolution. Okay. And the 3rd tip for anxiously attached people is try to accept a good enough solution and try and figure out what that might be.
[00:19:47]:
I think for a lot of us, we can really hold out for like the perfect solution, the guarantee that that's never gonna happen again and you're never gonna feel hurt and they're never gonna leave you or they're never gonna— like, we really want certainty because our anxiety is so braced for disappointment and hurt and betrayal and all of those things. And so it's really hard to actually accept an apology, a commitment, an acknowledgement. We wanna look for the holes in it. We wanna look for the flaws. And so it's really common to say things like, well, you said that last time and it hasn't changed, so why should I believe you now? Or something like that, which again, And that makes sense if it has been an extended pattern of this. And that's maybe another conversation if you've given someone 50 chances to change something that feels really important and they're still doing whatever they're doing. But when we just push back and shut down every effort at repair or apology or offering a solution, it can make it feel really unwinnable for the other person. And that can be pretty demoralising and they can kind of cheque out and just throw their hands up and say, well, I give up.
[00:20:53]:
I don't know what you want from me. And then we feel more And like they don't care and like they're not really trying and that hurts. You know, we all know how that goes. I'm sure you know how that goes. I certainly do. So I think really what we can do there is know when to accept something that is good enough. It may not be the perfect solution. It may not be a guarantee that nothing is ever gonna happen again.
[00:21:15]:
That's not something anyone can give us. But I think we need to see when someone is trying. And again, coming back to this spirit of collaboration and go, okay, I appreciate that. Maybe it's like step one in a solution that's gonna take many steps. But accept the step one and agree to cheque back in in a week or whatever. Just try and again, like, get some momentum, clock some wins so that you feel some sense of success out of the conversation and like you're coming back together in connection and a joint vision, because that's what's really gonna allow you to move forward and move away from that conversation feeling like you've accomplished something. And I think that's really, really important for both people. Yeah.
[00:22:00]:
Okay, so now I wanna move to some tips for avoidant people in conflict. I'm seeing how long this episode's getting. I'm wondering if I should have split this up, but anyway, we're gonna go with it. And the first one is, if you don't know what to say, if you're feeling a bit shell-shocked, a bit like a deer in the headlights, a bit overwhelmed by your partner's emotionality or expressiveness or the things that they're saying to you that might feel accusatory, say, I don't know what to say. Yeah. Okay, articulate the fact that you're struggling to find your words, because it's okay that you maybe operate differently to your partner in those moments. You might feel like you kind of go numb, or you cheque out, or you slow way down. You can't find your words, you don't really know what to say.
[00:22:42]:
That's fine. But when you just sit silently and stare into space, or stare into your lap, or just say nothing for really extended periods of time, it's really easy for that to come across as, I don't care, or I'm not really paying attention, or I'm not really invested in this conversation. And even if that's not the truth, if you have a partner with more anxious attachment patterns, there's a really good chance that they're going to interpret it that way because they are very susceptible to feeling like they're too much, like their feelings are a burden, like people don't care about them. And so if you can say, I'm listening to you, I'm just taking this in and processing. I don't really know what to say right now, but I'm here, right? Like, that is so much better than saying nothing, and it doesn't really take much from you other than just to deliver the line and to try and say it sincerely and with love. So I think that just an acknowledgement of that, or even saying, I'm feeling overwhelmed, or I'm feeling defensive, is so much better than just like doing the thing. So don't hesitate to narrate your inner experience. If you can't actually find the words to say, or you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, just say, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.
[00:24:01]:
And as I said at the start, taking a breather is absolutely fine. It's just really important that you come back to the conversation, because I think for people with more avoidant patterns, the temptation is to just pull away and stay away and try your luck at not bringing the conversation up again and see if you've kind of gotten away with it, so to speak. Which will almost certainly infuriate infuriate your partner, so try not to do that. I think another really important tip for avoidant folks is to actually advocate for your own experience in conflict. I think this gets missed a bit because most people with avoidant patterns either collapse into appeasement and just want the conversation to end, so they sort of apologise for everything and say whatever they need to say to just make it stop, or they get very defensive and just bat everything back and refuse to engage. But neither of those extremes offers any space for your own self-advocacy and for your own sharing about how that's impacting you in a really honest and vulnerable way. And so I think that it does tend to end up being about the anxious partner's emotional experience a lot of the time, and that creates this asymmetry on both sides. I think both partners perceive an unfairness.
[00:25:13]:
And what you'll often hear from avoidant folks is, you've always got something that you wanna talk about. I never complain to you about how I'm feeling. I'm never coming to you with my unmet needs. It's just always you coming to me. And so I think that there's something in that, which is that it's important for you to start learning to identify like what that feels like for you and actually speaking it. And again, that might feel like really uncharted territory. And of course, when your whole impression of conflict is like, it is not worth it, nothing good comes of it, the likelihood of you bringing more things into that space is maybe low. But I think part of actually creating creating a healthier relationship overall is being able to have more balance around conflict and there being space for both of your experiences, rather than it all revolving around one person's experience and the other person just feeling a bit overwhelmed or suffocated by the responsibility of responding to that or managing that or providing reassurance or apologising all the time.
[00:26:18]:
So I think if there are things that you're feeling resentful about or harboring, rather than just using those the basis for kind of pulling away or turning away, shutting down, disconnecting, bring them to your partner. And that's like a real growth edge for you is being able to speak those things, the things that are bothering you, the things that don't feel great. Try to trust that your partner can handle your honesty. And maybe they can, maybe they can't. You'll only know by trying. But I think it's a really important exercise for you in taking up more space in your own relationship. Because the alternative just proves your storeys about relationship to be right. That they're more trouble than they're worth.
[00:27:00]:
They mainly take from you rather than give to you and all of those things. It's just easier if I'm alone. That will only ever be proven untrue if you're brave enough to step out of your pattern and actually run the experiment and see what might happen if you do take up more space, if you do allow yourself to be seen and known and cared for in the way that you actually wanna be cared for rather than just in the way that someone else maybe wants to care for you. Okay. Another thing for avoidant Yeah. And then also, folks, this hopefully goes without saying, but really try not to engage in any kind of language that feels really dismissive. Things like, oh, do we have to talk about this? Or like, give me a break. Or, here we go again.
[00:27:40]:
Or, I'm not doing this right now. Like, anything like that that conveys, this is tedious and burdensome, and I don't have the time, energy, interest, or patience to deal with you right now. I think that that can come up a lot, and it's really, really damaging to the relationship. And particularly again, if you have a partner with more anxious patterns, that's just going to feel confirming of all of their worst fears, and it's going to lead them much more intensely into their anxiety and their insecurity, which is only going to make the whole thing worse. So out of love and care for your partner, even if that's your internal dialogue, bite your tongue on those things. It's not helpful, it's not loving, and I think it's one that you really want to just have some boundary around, because that will only lead to negative consequences for your relationship if you're putting those things into the space. It really, really exacerbates the cycle, even if it feels really true. Even if you do feel overwhelmed and exasperated and suffocated and worn down, say that you're feeling worn down, you're feeling overwhelmed.
[00:28:50]:
Don't say those kind of offhanded, snide remarks that can land really unkindly with your partner. And the last thing that I'll say, and I sort of alluded to this before, is If you do need to take a break, it's good to be really clear around the parameters for that. So rather than just saying like, I'm not doing this right now, I'm leaving the room, or, you know, if you aren't physically together, like hanging up the phone or refusing to respond to messages or just kind of cutting it off unilaterally, that's just going to leave your partner hanging and they're going to, again, like massively ramp up in their anxiety and their stress response. So what you want to do as an alternative that still allows you to get your needs met around the space, because that is a really important regulatory tool for you. And I would say that avoidant folks probably have better instincts than anxious folks around, you know, taking some space away when things are getting heated. Anxious folks just tend to be a bit like a dog with a bone and keep pushing. I say that as someone with that proclivity, but say something like, okay, I need a break. I'm feeling myself getting heated.
[00:29:57]:
Let's talk about this in 2 hours, or let's talk about this tonight. Set the bookend for when you're going to come back to it and honour the bookend. Don't just leave it and hope that you can kind of get away with not having the conversation and maybe they'll forget. I promise you they're not going to forget. They're going to be counting down the minutes until you come back to sort of test whether you're going to stand by your word. There's a whole nother conversation to be had around whether that's a helpful thing to And as a side note, during any time and space apart in conflict, you know, if you've taken deliberate timeout and you're on the more anxious side, don't spend that time just mulling over everything and rehearsing what you're gonna say and like continuing to get your system riled up. That defeats the whole point. But going back to the avoidant side, you know, take the time and space that you need, but be respectful and be considerate and do what you say you're gonna do.
[00:30:51]:
So if you say you're gonna come back to the conversation, come back to the conversation. Even though it's probably not what you wanna do, you And even though you'll probably have to kind of drag yourself to it, do the right thing because that's respectful of your partner and the relationship more broadly. And the more that you do that and prove yourself to be trustworthy around conflict, the safer they're going to feel, the safer you're going to feel. It's just going to be a win-win for everyone. Okay, so that was a bit of a rundown on some tips for healthier conflict. I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, while the focus was kind of on romantic relationships, as is usually the case on this podcast, I do think that a lot of those tools could be applied to non-romantic relationships, because these are really just life and relationship skills, and so, so useful if we are wanting to improve the safety and the depth and the connection in our relationships. Being able to sit in the discomfort of conflict without just defaulting to all of those protective patterns that we might have is so, so valuable, and something we should all be striving to cultivate in our relationships.
[00:31:57]:
So hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if you do to join me in the Secure Self Challenge, today's a really good day to sign up. You know, one of the pillars that we focus on is self-advocacy. And so we do learn all about healthier communication in the broader context of self-worth, with a particular focus on how self-advocacy just lands differently and feels different when it's coming from a place of really healthy self-esteem rather than, you know, fear and desperation and panic and control and all of the things that can come up when we're in that really insecure place. But otherwise, thanks so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, conflict, healthy conflict, relationships, productive conflict, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, relationship skills, conflict resolution, communication, self-worth, Secure Self Challenge, self-advocacy, emotional regulation, curiosity, connection, empathy, relationship patterns, teamwork, boundaries, taking timeouts, emotional safety, vulnerability, defensive behaviour, self-protection, partnership, relationship rupture, relationship repair, unresolved issues, relationship maturity
#273: Attachment & Conflict (Part 2): Avoidant Attachment
If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly bending, morphing, or minimising yourself in order to preserve connection in a relationship, you’re not alone.
For many of us—particularly those with anxious attachment patterns—self-abandonment is an all-too-familiar experience.
And while it’s easy to focus on the external dynamics of our relationships, the truth is that so much of what plays out between us and others begins in the relationship we have with ourselves.
Conflict can bring out deeply ingrained protective patterns in all of us.
For someone with anxious attachment, conflict often activates an urgent need to do something: talk, explain, seek reassurance, fix the problem or push for immediate resolution.
For someone with avoidant attachment, the opposite response is more likely.
Rather than moving towards the conflict, their attachment system tends to pull back. They may become quiet, dismissive, defensive or completely disengaged. From the outside, this can look like indifference. But internally, it is often an attempt to manage overwhelm, regain control and protect themselves from an interaction they do not feel equipped to navigate.
Understanding this does not mean excusing hurtful behaviour. It does, however, help us see what is driving the pattern—and what needs to change if we want to move towards healthier conflict and repair.
The Avoidant Nervous System During Conflict
When someone with avoidant attachment perceives relational stress, pressure or threat, their instinct is often to disconnect.
Their internal response may sound something like:
This is overwhelming.
I do not know what to say.
Nothing I say will make this better.
I need to get away from this.
While an anxiously attached partner may become increasingly activated and expressive, the avoidant partner is likely to retreat further into themselves. Their safe place is often independence, emotional distance and self-reliance.
This can create a painful cycle.
The anxious partner becomes louder or more insistent because they feel the other person pulling away. The avoidant partner feels even more pressured and withdraws further. Each person’s attempt to protect themselves intensifies the other person’s fear.
Why Avoidant Partners Can Feel Outmatched
One important part of this dynamic is that the more anxious partner has often been thinking about the conversation for a long time.
They may have rehearsed what they want to say, anticipated possible responses and mentally reviewed every detail of the issue. By the time they bring it up, they may feel completely prepared.
The avoidant partner, by contrast, may feel ambushed.
Under stress, they may lose access to clear language and struggle to organise their thoughts. They can appear frozen, blank or unable to explain themselves. Meanwhile, their partner may be speaking quickly, presenting multiple examples and asking emotionally charged questions.
This does not mean the avoidant partner has nothing to say. It may mean that their nervous system is overwhelmed to the point that they cannot communicate effectively in that moment.
If they have repeatedly experienced conflict as something they cannot handle or “win,” avoidance can start to feel like the safest option.
Dismissive Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant Conflict Patterns
Although dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant attachment share a tendency to disconnect when closeness feels threatening, their conflict responses can look different.
Someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns may minimise the issue, refuse to engage, roll their eyes, walk away or act as though the conversation is unnecessary.
Someone with fearful avoidant patterns may also withdraw, but they are often more likely to have a strong fight response. They might react with anger, defensiveness or sharp criticism before shutting down or creating distance.
Neither response is universal. Every person is different. But there are several common strategies that tend to show up when avoidantly attached people feel threatened during conflict.
1. Appeasement
Avoidant attachment does not always look like outright withdrawal. Sometimes it looks like saying whatever is necessary to make the conflict stop.
This might include quickly apologising, agreeing with everything being said or promising to change without really engaging with the substance of the conversation.
The underlying thought may be:
I do not understand what you want from me, but I need this interaction to end.
To the other partner, this can feel insincere and unsatisfying. They may respond by pushing harder:
“You do not really mean that.”
“You always say that.”
“You are just trying to end the conversation.”
The avoidant partner may then feel even more helpless. They tried to say the “right” thing, but it did not work. This reinforces the belief that conflict is impossible to navigate successfully.
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is another common response.
When you raise a concern, your partner may immediately explain why they did what they did, deny your experience, focus on your mistakes or argue against the details of what you are saying.
Being on the receiving end of defensiveness can feel incredibly invalidating. It can seem as though the other person cares more about protecting themselves than understanding your pain.
But beneath avoidant defensiveness, there is often shame.
Many avoidantly attached people place a great deal of value on feeling competent, capable and successful. When their partner expresses unhappiness, they may interpret it as evidence that they have failed.
Instead of hearing:
“This behaviour hurt me,”
they may hear:
“You are a bad partner.”
“You cannot do anything right.”
“You are disappointing.”
Defensiveness becomes an attempt to push away that shame.
Again, this does not make the behaviour healthy or fair. But it helps us understand why the response may be so automatic and intense.
3. Dismissal and Invalidation
Dismissal can sound like:
“Do we really have to talk about this again?”
“You are overreacting.”
“Why does everything have to be such a big deal?”
“Give me a break.”
These responses are especially painful for someone with anxious attachment because they often already question the legitimacy of their own feelings.
They may have spent hours wondering:
Am I being too sensitive?
Am I asking for too much?
Am I overthinking this?
When they finally speak up and are met with dismissal, it reinforces those fears. They may feel burdensome, needy or unreasonable simply for having an emotional experience.
From the avoidant partner’s perspective, however, repeated heavy conversations can feel like an endless stream of evidence that they are getting the relationship wrong.
They may not have realised there was a problem. Suddenly, they are once again facing another conversation about unmet needs, disappointment or dissatisfaction.
The dismissal may come from sheer exhaustion and overwhelm:
You are upset with me again, and I do not know how to fix it.
That response may make emotional sense, but it still damages trust and connection.
4. Disengagement
Perhaps the most recognisable avoidant conflict response is complete disengagement.
This might look like refusing to talk, leaving the room, going silent, ignoring messages or disappearing for a period of time.
Sometimes this is a genuine attempt to regulate an overwhelmed nervous system. But disengagement can also become a way of regaining power.
When one person urgently wants to talk and the other refuses, the person withholding communication holds the balance of power. They control whether the conversation happens and when connection resumes.
For the anxious partner, this can be deeply activating. They may escalate, send more messages, demand answers or become increasingly emotional in an attempt to re-establish contact.
The avoidant partner then experiences that escalation as further proof that engagement is unsafe.
Their internal experience may be:
The only way I can feel in control is by refusing to participate.
While this strategy may offer temporary relief, it prevents resolution and leaves both people feeling alone.
Understanding Is Not the Same as Excusing
It is important to be clear: shutting down, dismissing someone’s feelings, refusing all communication or offering empty apologies are not healthy conflict skills.
Understanding the origins of these behaviours does not mean tolerating them indefinitely.
But if we reduce avoidant behaviour to “they do not care” or “they are toxic,” we miss the deeper dynamics that keep the cycle alive.
Avoidantly attached people are rarely enjoying these interactions. They are often overwhelmed, ashamed, powerless or convinced that nothing they say will be enough.
At the same time, anxiously attached people are often terrified of disconnection and desperately trying to restore closeness.
Both partners are protecting themselves. Unfortunately, their protective strategies collide in ways that make each person feel even less safe.
Moving Beyond the Anxious-Avoidant Conflict Cycle
Changing this dynamic requires more than deciding whose reaction is justified.
Both people can usually build a strong case for why they behave the way they do:
“I only chase because you withdraw.”
“I only withdraw because you chase.”
“I only become angry because you dismiss me.”
“I only dismiss you because every conversation turns into an argument.”
This debate can continue forever without creating meaningful change.
Moving towards secure conflict requires humility and shared responsibility. Each partner needs to become curious about their own contribution to the cycle.
That might mean asking:
What happens in my body when conflict begins?
What am I afraid will happen if I stay present?
How do I try to regain safety or control?
What does my protective response evoke in my partner?
What would it look like to respond differently, even in a small way?
The goal is not to eliminate conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of intimacy.
The goal is to build the capacity to stay connected to yourself and respectful towards your partner when things become uncomfortable—and to know how to find your way back to one another when things go sideways.
Building Security From Within
Healthier relationships begin with the internal foundations we bring into them.
Self-compassion allows us to face our patterns without collapsing into shame.
Self-regulation helps us remain grounded when our nervous system wants to fight, flee or shut down.
Self-advocacy allows us to communicate honestly without attacking, pleading or abandoning ourselves.
Self-trust helps us make clear decisions about what we need, what we can work through and what we are no longer willing to tolerate.
When we strengthen these foundations, conflict becomes less about defending ourselves at all costs and more about understanding what is happening between us.
That is where real repair becomes possible.
Because lasting change does not come from proving whose response is right. It comes from recognising the cycle, taking responsibility for our part in it and choosing—together—to create something different.
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[00:00:34]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking once again about attachment and conflict and we're focusing today on avoidant attachment and how those with avoidant attachment patterns are likely to experience conflict and how that shows up in a relational context. So this episode's going to cover both dismissive avoidant patterns around conflict and fearful avoidant patterns around conflict. I decided to lump them in together even though they can be quite distinct when it comes to conflict in particular, just because I recently did a four part series on fearful avoidant attachment and we talked a bit about conflict in the context of how that tends to play out relationally there. So in the interest of brevity and not repeating myself too much, I'm going to put them in together today and I'll just call out where they tend to be different, but we're going to be talking about it. If you missed part one of this series which was focusing on anxious attachment and how that tends to play out in the context of conflict and communication, you can go back and listen to that if you want to.
[00:01:59]:
I think it was episode 267 and as I mentioned last time, I'm then planning to do another episode where I'll talk about tips for each partner in what you can do both in the moment and maybe some self work so that you can shake some of these cycles that you can move away from the patterns that have always gotten the better of you during conflict. Because for a lot of us the way we do conflict is sticky and we can see ourselves doing it. But in the moment it's so enticing to just say the thing or lash out or shut down or do whatever we've always done to defend or protect ourselves. Even Though we know that it doesn't really get us what we're wanting. It doesn't get us any closer to resolution or repair or finding our way back to connection, which I do think is ultimately what we all want. And then I'm also planning to do a part four, which will be all about what healthy repair looks like, because that is essential as well. It's not just about, you know, how do we avoid conflict. It's recognising the inevitability of conflict and then having the tools and the skills and the commitment to finding your way back to each other when things do go sideways.
[00:03:13]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today, the avoidant experience of conflict, what that feels like on the inside and how it plays out relationally. Before we get into today's episode, I wanted to share a really exciting announcement which is that my Secure Self Challenge is back. This is the the sixth time that I'm running the Secure Self Challenge, but it's actually totally different. If you came along to my free workshop last week, you will have already heard all about this, or if you're on my email list. But I've decided to build the Secure Self Challenge out into an eight week programme rather than its original 28 day format. Just having finished writing a book, which is also called the Secure Self and which is really built around the themes that we cover in this challenge, I felt called to flesh it out a little to make it into a more comprehensive programme akin to my other's Healing, anxious attachment, higher love, secure together. This really feels like it's the heart of my work and where my work is moving to. And so it felt right to really give it the space that it deserves.
[00:04:21]:
And so I'm building it out into an eight week programme so we'll still cover the same four themes of self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy and self trust, which I refer to as the pillars of a Secure self. And the idea behind that is really that we're laying the foundations to create security and safety from within such that we can then go to relationships and experience them really differently. Because when we try and fix the relationship problem head on, we're often doing so from a place of fear and insecurity and that can actually lead us further into our patterns. You probably don't need me to tell you that because you probably know it anecdotally and experientially. That's certainly what I did for a really long time before I turned the spotlight back on myself and decided to Just focus on my own work and really reaped the benefit of that. And I've seen that same transformation in literally thousands of other people who I've supported over the years. So there is an early bird price available for the next week for the Secure Self Challenge. We are kicking off on Monday 27th July, so there's still a bit of time.
[00:05:34]:
As I said, it's an eight week programme. There'll be not only pre recorded video modules and notes and teachings and all of that stuff. If you've done any of my other programmes, that format will be familiar to you, but there's also four live group coaching calls with me and there's a community space for the eight weeks of the challenge so you can ask me questions, you can connect with others, share wins. All of that added benefit of feeling like you're walking the path with other people who really understand it. And historically that's always been a really beautiful part of the challenge is the community space and you get lifetime access to all of the materials. And as a boss bonus, you also actually get the original 28 day secure self challenge. You'll receive that as a graduation gift at the end of the eight weeks so you can have those 28 short daily lessons as a bit of a parting gift if you ever want to revisit the content in bite size format. So it's a really great deal.
[00:06:29]:
If you're at all interested, I would really, really love to have you. We've already got, I think about 50 people signed up, so there's a great group forming. And so if you're someone who knows that you really want to work on your self worth, that feels like a bit of a missing piece in the puzzle for you. I would love to invite you in and to support you as you do that work. And of course the link to all of that is in the show notes. Okay, so let's talk about avoidant attachment and conflict. So as a bit of a refresher, last time when we talked about anxious attachment and conflict, we were talking about how the anxiously attached nervous system in response to a perception of threat or fear or press, tends to go into overdrive. It ratchets up and it really propels you to just do something, right? There's this flood of energy and activity and mobilisation and all of that just says, oh, we need to do something about this problem.
[00:07:26]:
I can see that something bad's going to happen or it's already happening and it's my job to sort of scurry around and fix it. And that fixing can take all sorts of forms. We talked about this in my free workshop last week around protest behaviours. We can try to smooth everything over or we can kind of blow everything up up in the hope that we'll get someone's attention and get their engagement and ultimately solve the problem. Now, all of that is really diametrically opposed to how the nervous system, the attachment system of someone with avoidant patterns responds to a perception of fear, threat, stress in a relationship. Their attachment system essentially goes offline. It really dials down, it pulls back it. The default response is to turn away from the thing that feels stressful or overwhelming, rather than to kind of rush in towards it, which is the more anxious response.
[00:08:22]:
And so we need to understand that at a nervous system level, as part of the deep imprint when we're looking at avoidant attachment and responses to conflict, is that there's a really strong wiring there that says, this is not going to end well. This feels overwhelming. And when something feels overwhelming, I return to my safe space, which is disconnected connection. I return to my island, because there I feel in control and I feel competent and I feel like I can manage this. And I think it's important to acknowledge as well, I feel like I often give this advice to students in my programmes. It's like, we need to remember that going into these conversations, if you're the more anxious partner, there's a good chance that you've been rehearsing the conversation, you've had all of the different versions of it, you know exactly what you want to say, you know what you're going to say in response to what they might say. You're so ready, you're chomping at the bit to have these conversations. Whereas someone who's more avoidant is not likely to be at all rehearsed.
[00:09:21]:
And because their system tends to kind of shut down in those moments of tension or conflict or pressure or accusation or all of those things, they can almost lose access to their ability to speak very clearly or cogently to know what to say. They can look a bit like a deer in the headlights, they can be a bit frozen. And you contrast that with a more anxious partner whose system is just like going at a million miles an hour and they're saying all of the words and we kind of get entrenched in our extremes and it just keeps going further and further in those two directions because of the way that that tends to unfold. And I think oftentimes also someone with more anxious patterns is likely to Be more. I don't want to say emotionally literate, but probably have more comfort and capacity in talking about stu stuff, even if it's in more of an analytical way. Because I think it can be a bit of a blind spot for us anxious attachers. We think we're talking about feelings, but we're actually just talking about our analysis of feelings and situations. But even still, I think a lot of avoidant people would come to those conversations and feel like they are just vastly outmatched in terms of their ability to articulate themselves in terms of how ready they are for those conversations, particularly if they've come out of nowhere or they feel a bit ambushed.
[00:10:44]:
And so I think the overwhelming experience for a lot of avoidant people is like, I don't want to go anywhere near that because I know how it ends and it doesn't end well. I can never say the right thing. Anything I try to say apparently makes it worse, or if I say nothing at all, that definitely makes it worse. And so it's like, okay, the best thing to do here is to avoid that scenario, whether that's by pulling away as soon as the conflict starts or dismissing it. There's lots of different ways to do it, but that's the overwhelming imperative is like, just don't go there if it can be avoided. And I should say that which I've just described, I think is more typical of someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns. As we talked about in the fearful avoidance series recently, I think folks with fearful avoidant patterns tend to have a much stronger fight response. They won't always reach for that, but oftentimes they will.
[00:11:35]:
So if, for example, an anxious partner, you know, through some poison barbs or snide remarks or something, at a fearful avoidant partner, you're much likely to get, like, a big fight response back, whereas for a dismissive avoidant partner, you're likely to get something that's, you know, dismissive invalidating, like, you know, maybe an eye roll and walking away or something. Just a refusal to engage. So I wanted to talk about a few key strategies that I think can come up for avoidant folks when it comes to conf. And again, these can span more dismissive avoidant patterns and more fearful avoidant patterns. And, you know, big disclaimer, none of this stuff is going to be universally true for every single person with avoidant patterns. Obviously, everyone is their own person. But these tend to be the broad shapes and contours that you'll see for avoidant folks when it comes to Conflict. So I think one strategy or one response to conflict can be appeasement.
[00:12:38]:
And this is maybe a little more surprising than some of the others that you might have come up against. But I think this can absolutely be part of the broader response to conflict is like, I'll just say whatever I need to say in order to make this stop. You know, I'll say, okay, I'm sorry. Okay, yes, I hear you. Okay, yes, I understand. I'll just try and come up with the thing that's going to make this be fine again, because, again, I feel really equipped to be in this moment with you. I don't know what you want from me. You seem very angry and I don't really understand why.
[00:13:10]:
Maybe I can't, you know, if I'm being honest, I can't really empathise with why you're so upset about this thing. And so I'm just trying to problem solve. And appeasement feels like a way of problem solving that. So I'll just try and, like, make you happy again. So whether that looks like, you know, cowering and just agreeing, apologising without much substance, all of that can be part of that appeasement strategy that some folks will use. Again, I think that's probably more of a dismissive strategy because fearful avoidance tend to have a bit more fun fight in them. And of course, if you're on the receiving end of that, you can usually feel it and it doesn't feel very satisfactory, particularly if we consider that folks with anxious patterns tend to struggle to receive an apology or an acknowledgment or something at the best of times. Because our baseline is to not really trust that.
[00:14:04]:
When it's kind of insincere or manufactured or forced, and we can feel that, it's really easy to just keep pushing and saying, you don't really mean that, or you always say that, and then the fight just keeps going. And of course that wears the other person down because they feel like, I tried to say the thing I meant to say and it's not working. What do I do now? So I think that can be a really easy spiral to get stuck in. Another response to conflict that you might see amongst avoidant folks is defensiveness. I've done whole episodes on defensiveness before. Actually, relatively recently, I think I did one on defensiveness. Of course, being in relationship with someone where you feel like every time you try to express a concern, a worry, a need, some feedback, and you're hit with this wall of defensiveness that is painful and it feels really invalidating and you feel like you are maybe unimportant to them, like they're more committed to self protection than to the relationship. All of those storeys are really common spring from this experience of defensiveness.
[00:15:09]:
But we really need to put that in context and understand that for avoidant people, you know, shame can be a big thing. And feeling successful, I've talked about this before, feeling successful in themselves and in the relationship is so much a part of their identity and their relationship satisfaction. And it's really easy for them to receive your complaints or your dissatisfaction or your needs. And it's almost like that's filtered through the lens of things that I'm not getting right and ways that I've messed up, ways that I'm not good enough for you, ways that I'm a disappointment, ways that I'm a failure. And so sometimes the defensiveness is coming from a place of I need to push that back because I actually have to push back the shame or the sense of exasperation or overwhelm that I feel and that you being unhappy evokes in me because I feel like a failure. And so it's not that I'm actually trying to push away because I don't care about you, it's just like I need that to not be valid or not be true or not be right so that I don't have to sit with whatever that evokes in me. And of course that doesn't make it any easier to be on the receiving end of. But I think again, it's always helpful to look under the hood and go, why? Why does this behaviour keep coming up? What's driving it and what is it protecting? Because there's always more to the picture than just like, oh, they're so defensive they can't take any feedback, of course.
[00:16:38]:
Okay. Another sort of related response to conflict that you might see amongst avoidant folks is dismissal. So whereas defensiveness might be like really actively batting back feedback or needs or something like that, denying something, saying I don't do that, or defending yourself against someone's perception of you defending your intentions. Dismissal, I think is another branch off that tree and is just like a brushing off an invalidation. The sorts of comments like, do we really have to talk about this again? Or are you kidding me? Or give me a break, things like that that just feel really upsetting and particularly if you're someone with more anxious patterns who naturally plucking up the courage to say the thing is not easy, even if it comes out in A bit of fiery way, and oftentimes it will, because that's your way of protecting yourself against the vulnerability of self advocacy and self expression. Having someone just because the anxious tendency is to invalidate yourself so much in your own experience. And ah, over Am I being too needy? Am I being too demanding? Am I too sensitive? Am I overthinking this? To finally say the thing and have someone mirror back to you all of those insecurities that you were already harbouring, that's really painful and that really entrenches that wound and that insecurity. It kind of collects more evidence for, yes, I am all of those things because anytime I try and speak up for myself, that's what I'm getting back is being told that I overcomplicate everything.
[00:18:21]:
And why do I have to have so many feelings and why do we have to talk about this? All of these sentiments that can just feel like your experience is kind of tedious almost to me. Do we really have to do this? And of course, if you're feeling something big and you're wanting to take that to a partner, being made to feel like a nuisance or a burden is obviously not a nice feeling. And again, I think if we walk over to the other side and go, well, what's underneath that? We can see that for someone with avoidant patterns, feeling like their partner is bringing to them all of these concerns and complaints and worries and feelings. And if that's happening often, I mean, there have been times in my own relationship, even my current relationship in trickier seasons, where I feel like I was bringing things to my partner at least once a week and we were having these big heavy conversations and I could see that that was wearing him down. But I was fighting those fights within myself of wanting to have the conversation, but also knowing that it was probably not that helpful and that it was backfiring a bit. So that tension is really real. And I think we do have to acknowledge that for someone with more avoidant patterns whose instinc is to retreat in the face of all of this pressure and tension and heaviness, feeling like there is this near constant onslaught of serious conversations, upsets, unmet needs can just feel like such a weight and it can feel like it drowns out the relationship and the whole relationship becomes about the hard stuff. And so sometimes those comments, even though they're, I would say, a little tactless and certainly unhelpful and don't do anything for trust and connection in the relationship, they're coming from this place of Just sheer exasperation of, like, I didn't even realise I was doing anything wrong and you're upset with me again.
[00:20:22]:
And so we can sort of see both sides of that as being really real and valid, even if the tactics that each person are using are not the most effective or skilful way of expressing the need or expressing the overwhelm that they're carrying. And the fourth strategy that I wanted to name is disengagement. And that might be just like, you know, basically refusing, refusing to engage at all in the conflict in the conversation, saying, I'm not talking about this, maybe leaving the room, maybe if you don't live together, it's like just going awol, going silent and kind of almost stonewalling. And that, I think, sometimes is just coming from a place again of overheating and overwhelm. And I actually just don't even want to be anywhere near that. And sometimes I think we can acknowledge that it's coming from a place of wanting to feel more powerful when you're feeling powerless. And again, I think we all do this when we're feeling powerless. We try and compensate for that.
[00:21:28]:
And I think for the anxious partner, the way that we tend to compensate when we feel powerless is to get really big and puffed up and escalate in our expressiveness. And maybe we get nasty and do all of the things. That's just a way to convey the immense intensity of everything that we're feeling and carrying and worrying about, so we get really big. And I think that for someone with more avoidant patterns, the way that they might find their power when they're feeling attacked, when they're feeling blamed, when they're feeling criticised, when they're feeling judged and disapproved of, is just to withhold and to refuse to engage. Because as I've talked about before, the person who refuses to engage, to withhold, to deny a conversation and just says, I'm not talking about it literally or metaphorically, crossing your arms and turning away, that person holds the balance of power. And again, it's not fair in not conducive to a healthy relationship dynamic. But that is the truth. And that can be part of what motivates that kind of strategy.
[00:22:39]:
It's just like, well, this is the only way that I get to feel kind of safe and in control is to just withhold. Because if I go into that, if I go into the conversation, if I go into the fray with you, then I feel very out of control and I feel very outnumbered or overpowered. By your bigness and all of the words and all of the things that I've done wrong. And so the only way for me to feel kind of in control is to actually just say, I'm not going to talk about it. And even though I can see that that enrages you, my refusal to engage is kind of how I keep myself safe in this. So that's a bit of a picture of avoidant attachment and conflict. Now, I know that this can be hard to talk about and hard to listen to. And depending on what side of the equation you have been on, you might feel really angered by those descriptions, or you might feel so frustrated, or you might feel so convinced that your way is justified because you're only responding to their way.
[00:23:41]:
And of course, that feels so true on both sides. And I think the reality is, I'm sure I'll get comments on this video, as I always do, saying how toxic and awful avoidant people are. And again, as I've said several times in this episode, I'm not suggesting that any of those strategies are helpful, constructive or conducive to healthy, secure relationships. But we have to be willing to actually look at, okay, where's this coming from within you? What experience are you having that I maybe can't see or can't relate to because I'm coming at this from a completely different place? And what is it going to take for us to step out of this cycle so that we can do things differently? Because this is painful and frustrating and overwhelming for us both. Both. And I can guarantee you that an avoidant person is not enjoying that any more than you are. So really, if you want to transform those cycles, it takes a level of humility and a sense of joint endeavour rather than fighting over whose way is the right way or whose response is more justified in light of the other person's behaviour? You can just do that till kingdom come and that will never, ever get you what you want, which is attunement and validation and recognition repair. So it does take a level of courage to step out of your protective stance and actually go, okay, where are we stuck here? How do we each contribute to that stuckness? And how might we start to do things differently? Okay, so I'm going to leave it there, guys.
[00:25:13]:
I hope that that has been helpful for you. And as I said, if you're interested in joining the Secure Self Challenge, the early bird price is available for the next week. You can, you can have a look at all of the details on my website. And all of that is linked in the show notes. Otherwise, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
avoidant attachment, conflict in relationships, dismissive avoidant patterns, fearful avoidant patterns, anxious attachment, protest behaviours, nervous system response, conflict communication, relationship dynamics, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy, self trust, Secure Self Challenge, relationship programmes, early bird pricing, live group coaching, online community, relationship repair, conflict avoidance, defensiveness, dismissal, appeasement, stonewalling, emotional overwhelm, relationship power dynamics, emotional literacy, feedback in relationships, relationship safety, attachment system