#221: How to Let Go of Someone You Love (For Anxious Attachers)
Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things anyone can do. But if you have anxious attachment patterns, it can feel almost unbearable. That’s why this question — How do I let go of someone I still love? — is one of the most common things I support people with. If you’re in that place right now, please know this: you’re not weak, broken, or failing. You’re responding exactly as your attachment system has learned to respond. And still… letting go may be what your healing is calling you toward.
Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things anyone can do. But if you have anxious attachment patterns, it can feel almost unbearable.
Anxious attachment wiring tells you to hold on. To grip tighter. To try harder. To keep fighting for connection — even when the relationship is painful, dysfunctional, or clearly not working. Letting go can feel like the worst possible outcome, often more terrifying than staying in a situation that hurts.
That’s why this question — How do I let go of someone I still love? — is one of the most common things I support people with. If you’re in that place right now, please know this: you’re not weak, broken, or failing. You’re responding exactly as your attachment system has learned to respond.
And still… letting go may be what your healing is calling you toward.
Why Letting Go Feels So Impossible with Anxious Attachment
If you have anxious attachment patterns, your system has learned that connection equals safety. The people you’re attached to — regardless of how healthy or unhealthy the dynamic is — come to represent security, stability, and emotional survival.
That belief quietly drives so many familiar patterns:
People-pleasing and over-giving
Suppressing your needs
Tiptoeing around someone else’s emotions
Trying to “fix” or rescue a relationship
Frantically repairing ruptures when things feel uncertain
So when a relationship is faltering, your nervous system isn’t just responding to loss — it’s responding to a perceived threat to safety. From that place, walking away feels unthinkable. Even if the relationship hurts. Even if it’s been draining you for years.
Most anxiously attached people don’t leave at the first red flag — or the fifth. We offer endless chances because the pain of letting go feels worse than the pain of staying.
The Trap of Letting Feelings Lead the Way
Another reason letting go is so hard is that people with anxious attachment often place enormous weight on their feelings.
You might tell yourself:
If I still love them, I shouldn’t leave.
If I miss them this much, it must mean something.
If I feel anxious, I need to do something about it — now.
Feelings can feel like facts. Like instructions. Like proof of what you should do next.
But one of the most important shifts in healing anxious attachment is learning to separate feelings from choices.
You can still love someone and choose to walk away.
You can miss someone deeply and know the breakup was necessary.
You can feel anxious, lost, and untethered without needing to undo your decision.
If we only ever follow our feelings — especially fear-driven ones — we’ll keep recreating familiar dynamics. And what’s familiar is often not what’s healthy.
The Core Truth: Letting Go Is a Choice, Not a Feeling
This is the heart of the work.
Letting go is not something you wait to feel. It’s not something that magically happens once the love fades or the anxiety settles.
Letting go is a choice.
And it’s a choice you will have to make again and again.
You make it when you:
Stop engaging with them
Stop reopening the door
Don’t respond to the late-night texts
Hold the boundary even when it hurts
Choose not to go back for temporary relief
You will likely feel the pull — intensely. Your body may scream for connection. Your mind may generate endless “what ifs.” That doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing.
It means you’re grieving.
Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make a Relationship Work
This can be one of the hardest truths to accept.
Love is real. Attachment is real. And yet, love alone is not sufficient for a healthy relationship.
You can love someone who can’t meet your needs.
You can love someone who wants different things.
You can love someone and still recognise that staying is costing you too much.
Letting go isn’t about forcing yourself to stop loving them. It’s about acknowledging that the relationship — as it exists — is not aligned with your wellbeing, growth, or future.
And choosing yourself anyway.
The Grief Beneath Letting Go
Letting go of someone you love means grieving:
The loss of the person
The future you hoped for
The version of yourself who kept trying
The dreams and expectations you carried
This grief deserves space, tenderness, and care. Healing doesn’t come from obsessing over what they’re doing or analysing what went wrong — it comes from turning inward and tending to what’s hurting inside you.
There is so much within you that needs your presence right now.
If You’re Struggling to Let Go
If it’s been months or even years and someone still occupies space in your mind, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. And it doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.
The feelings are not the problem.
Fighting, shaming, or trying to force them away only keeps you stuck.
No matter what you’re feeling, you can still make good choices.
That is self-responsibility.
That is healing.
That is strength.
If you need support, I offer a free breakup training that walks you through this process with clarity, compassion, and structure. You don’t have to do this alone.
And if nothing else, remember this:
Letting go is a choice, not a feeling.
And you are capable of choosing yourself — even when it hurts.
Sending you so much love.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to let go of someone that you love, which, frankly, is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do as someone with anxious attachment patterns, because it goes against everything in your system, in your wiring, in your blueprint which says hold on really tightly to the people that you love. Even if it's dysfunctional, even if you're in pain, even if you know that the relationship is not working, the instinct is really to hold on and keep holding on and keep trying and keep pushing and keep fighting to try and make things okay. Because letting go can feel totally intolerable. It can feel like the worst possible outcome, even worse than continuing to be in pain in a connection. And so it's little wonder that this question of how to let go of someone when you still love them is probably in the top three things that I help people with, questions that I answer, pieces that I support students in my programmes on. To say that it's a recurring topic is probably an understatement.
[00:01:09]:
It's like one of the biggest things. And my advice, which I'll be sharing with you today, is combination of deep validation and also some hard truths. So I'm hoping that if you're in the thick of it right now, if you're struggling to let go of someone, maybe you've recently been through a breakup or you're in a relationship, but it feels like it needs to end or it's on its last legs and you're absolutely terrified about what that's going to mean and how it's going to feel, all of those things. This episode is for you, and I just want you to know that you are not alone. As I said, this is such a big part of the work and it's probably one of the hardest things that you'll ever do in a relationship as someone with anxious attachment patterns, because it really does fly in the face of everything that you have learned to do to keep yourself safe, and that's to hold onto the people that you're attached to. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. It'll be a bit of an extended pep talk and hopefully one that emboldens you to trust yourself and trust your ability to do the hard thing, even when it's not the thing that you want. Before we get into today's episode, a quick reminder.
[00:02:16]:
For anyone who is going through a breakup or who's recently been through a breakup, or maybe not so recently, but you're still kind of struggling to process it all and to let go. I have a free training that I run which is all about breakups and navigating breakups and how you can move through a breakup in a way that allows you to not only preserve your sanity, which is easier said than done, particularly for anxious attachers, but that allows you to feel grounded and decisive and clear and actually make the most of a breakup. Because you may have heard me say before, I really see breakups as a beautiful opportunity when done well, because they can really bring things into focus and hold a mirror up to us, the ways that we have maybe abandoned ourselves in a relationship where we've not held clear standards. And all of that is really, really important work to do before we rush into another relationship so that we can actually shift those patterns. And a breakup's a beautiful time to do that alongside all of the grief and all of the other tricky parts. So if you are in that place and you'd like some support and encouragement and guidance and a bit of a roadmap, definitely cheque out my free break training, which you can find in the show notes or on my website. Okay, so how to let go of someone that you love. Now, as I said in the introduction, for anxiously attached people, this is really, really hard.
[00:03:41]:
And there's a few reasons for that. The first is that your attachment blueprint, if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, tells you that other people hold the key to your safety and the people that you are attached to, irrespective of how healthy or not the relationship dynamic is, your system tells you that I am safe when I'm connected to them. Right. And you know that basic blueprint drives pretty much all of our relational behaviours. It's what leads us into people pleasing, performing over giving, suppressing our needs, trying to make someone love us, tiptoeing around other people. And then when there is some rupture, frantically trying to solve it, fix it, bring it back into connection, because it's all coming back to that same principle of feels great when we're connected, it feels absolutely awful when we're not, and I need to get us back over there. So with that as the starting point, letting go and actually being the one to close the door, being the one to make the decision, being the one to walk away and hold the boundary just runs counter to everything that you know. And even if the relationship is painful and hard, it has to be so bad for most anxiously attached people to walk away.
[00:04:52]:
Most of us will be very forgiving it's not only giving second chances, it's giving 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th chances. Chances. Because we so want to believe that things are going to get better. And it's really hard for us to feel like things are bad enough that they justify the indescribable pain of walking away from a person that we love. I think another key piece that drives this challenge for so many anxiously attached people is that we tend to attribute a lot of weight to our feelings. Right? And what I mean by that is for most people with anxious attachment patterns, and I hear this all the time in various shapes and forms, it's like, how can I let go if I. I still love them or if I miss them or I'm feeling so anxious, so I have to do this thing. We.
[00:05:35]:
We tend to have this sense that all feelings have to be acted on and that our feelings provide the impetus for all of our actions and our choices. So if we love someone, then we have to be with them. Love conquers all. We can be really romantic about that. Or if we're feeling really anxious, we have to act on the anxiety because that feels so overpowering and we sort of take that as truth. And so such a big part of the work for people with anxious attachment patterns is actually learning to separate out our feelings from our choices and our behaviours. And this is really the crux of what I tell people when they're struggling with this piece around letting go of someone that they love. It's being able to hold both there, like, yes, I still love them, yes, I desperately want it to work.
[00:06:20]:
And what is the reality of the situation as I know it to be? What is it costing me to continue to swirl around in this dysfunction? What is it costing me to keep holding on to someone who I know I'm not going to be able to be with, who I know is not right for me? And actually choosing to let go as an action, rather than waiting for the letting go as a feeling or waiting until I don't love them anymore, waiting until I don't miss them, waiting until it feels easy, it's actually no, I'm just going to make a choice that is based on what I know is right for me and good for me, rather than being totally hijacked by my feelings and letting that be the thing that steers the ship. Because as I've said many times, if we just follow those familiar feelings and we continue to allow ourselves to be led by our feelings, we will always end up in very familiar places. And if you've had a long history of unhealthy relationships. What is familiar is probably not what is good for you and what you're trying to work towards. So there's this really big piece when it comes to letting go of someone, and that is. And if you take anything away from today's episode, it is this. Letting go is not a feeling, it's actually a choice. And it's a choice that you will not just make once.
[00:07:35]:
It's a choice that you'll have to make a thousand times as you end a relationship. Walk away from someone that you love, who can't meet your needs, or who for whatever reason, you're unable to have a healthy relationship with. Maybe someone who doesn't want the same things as you. Letting go of that person is a decision you will need to keep making. And you make that not by forcing a feeling, but by not continuing to engage with them, by not keeping the door open, by not opening the door if they come knocking, by holding the boundary, by continuing to put one foot in front of the other, notwithstanding how freaking hard that feels, even when everything in your body is telling you like this is so uncomfortable. Call them or answer their texts. What if they want to talk? What could that mean? I have to find out all of those little pieces that can feel so enticing when we're in pain and when everything within us just wants to make it okay. By going back, choosing to let go again and again and again and choosing to continue to step towards what we know is good for us.
[00:08:41]:
Even when like the seductive pull of going back to a person who we love and who we are still attached to, that is one of the most challenging but also the most courageous things that you can do as someone with anxious attachment pattern. So just realising that like, yes, you can still love someone and that doesn't mean that you're meant to be in a relationship with them, could miss someone. And that doesn't mean that breaking up was a bad thing. You can feel so anxious and worried and lost without them. And that doesn't mean that you need them in order to feel okay. Just really learning to separate out our feelings from our choices and our behaviours. Particularly when those feelings are driven from fear. And I think that's why doing this work and understanding how attachment works can be so powerful helpful because we can start to realise that, like, I don't have to make meaning out of all of those feelings.
[00:09:34]:
Those feelings are naturally arising from the fact that I'm attached to this person. And that's what our attachment system is designed to do is kind of to hook us into a person who we've come to associate with safety and stability, companionship, all of those things, even when the relationship is not healthy. But kind of unravelling some of these storeys around what it means to love a person and how that's not always the same thing as being in a healthier relationship with them, and that love is necessary but not sufficient to make a relationship work. So the fact that you still love someone is not a reason to not let go of them in your choices, in your actions, and to actually pivot, focus away from them and realise that all of the discomfort of that transition is absolutely part of the process. It is not a sign that something's wrong or that that you need to quickly backpedal and try and undo it all. And it's a sign that actually we're meant to be together, because I still love and miss them. So that's the pep talk, that's the hard truth. Letting go of someone that you love is not about forcing yourself to stop loving them.
[00:10:45]:
It's actually just recognising that you can love them and also realise that the relationship isn't right, that it's causing you suffering, that it's costing you too much, and that you're growth and your healing is actually asking you to step away from someone. Notwithstanding that you love them, notwithstanding that you're attached to them because you know that it's not right for you and that it's not what you truly desire for yourself and for your life, and that you want a relationship that is based on more than that intense attachment and that feels safe in a really true sense. And that's the lesson, right? That's the work and that's the really, really challenging. But it's so, so powerful if you can do that and hold the line and hold firm on that, even when you feel the pull back, being able to keep putting one foot in front of the other and reminding yourself almost as a mantra, letting go is a choice, not a feeling. And I'm going to need to keep choosing that again and again and again as I navigate the transition away from a relationship that I was invested in and with a person who I love and care about and where I had a lot riding on that, where the stakes felt high, where I was so full of hope that things would be different. To let go in those circumstances is to grieve. And that's why so much of the work of a breakup, and certainly in the early stages, is to Grieve all of the layers of that to grieve not only the loss of the person in your life, but all of the things that you were hoping for and maybe the parts of yourself that you left behind in the process of trying to make it work. All of that stuff needs your attention.
[00:12:24]:
And it's actually, again, so much of the work of processing a breakup is getting into the trenches of all of that stuff so that you can really tend to what's there and not distract yourself with rumination and analysis and obsessing over them and what they're doing and what they're thinking. There's so much within you that needs your presence and your care and your support as you navigate a breakup. Okay, I'm going to leave it there. I hope that this was clarifying for some of you. Maybe a bit of a light bulb moment if you're struggling with the letting go. Maybe it's been months or even years and you still find yourself obsessing over someone, or they still occupy space within you and you feel resistance to that, or you judge yourself for it and you think, I should be over it by now. The feelings are not the things to fight with. Right? And the more we try and fight the feeling or force the feeling, or shame ourselves for having the feeling, it's just a distraction.
[00:13:17]:
And it pulls us away from the fundamental truth that no matter what we're feeling, we can actually make good choices. And that's what self responsibility is all about, is making choices from our higher self, even when there are other parts of us that are pulling us towards the things that. That maybe we know aren't right. So sending you lots of love if you're in it, definitely cheque out my free breakup training. I touch on all of these themes and a lot more. So that's a really helpful one if you are navigating a breakup. But otherwise, I'm sending you so much love and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
how to let go of someone you love, anxious attachment patterns, breakups, breakup recovery, attachment blueprint, letting go, holding on in relationships, people pleasing, boundary setting, self trust, self responsibility, relationship endings, grief after breakup, emotional healing, unhealthy relationships, romantic attachment, walking away, self-worth, breakup support, moving on from love, decision making in relationships, fear of letting go, maintaining boundaries, emotional pain, overgiving, self abandonment, navigating loss, healing after breakup, personal growth, making good choices
#220: 3 Hard Truths About Changing Your Life
As we approach the beginning of a new year, many of us find ourselves sitting in a strange in-between space. There’s reflection on what’s been, anticipation of what could be, and often a quiet (or not so quiet) awareness that something needs to change. New Year’s energy can be complicated. On one hand, it can feel arbitrary or pressure-filled — as though the calendar flips and we’re suddenly meant to reinvent ourselves overnight. On the other hand, when approached with intention rather than shame, this time of year can offer a powerful pause point. A moment to reflect, clarify, and decide how we want to move forward. If you’re on the cusp of change — or have been circling the same decision for a long time — here are three hard truths about changing your life that may help orient you toward courage, self-trust, and forward motion.
As we approach the beginning of a new year, many of us find ourselves sitting in a strange in-between space. There’s reflection on what’s been, anticipation of what could be, and often a quiet (or not so quiet) awareness that something needs to change.
New Year’s energy can be complicated. On one hand, it can feel arbitrary or pressure-filled — as though the calendar flips and we’re suddenly meant to reinvent ourselves overnight. On the other hand, when approached with intention rather than shame, this time of year can offer a powerful pause point. A moment to reflect, clarify, and decide how we want to move forward.
If you’re on the cusp of change — or have been circling the same decision for a long time — here are three hard truths about changing your life that may help orient you toward courage, self-trust, and forward motion.
Hard Truth #1: There Is Never Going to Be a Perfect Time
If you’re waiting until you feel ready, calm, confident, or certain before making a big change, you may be waiting indefinitely.
Big changes are, by nature, destabilising. Whether it’s leaving a relationship, changing careers, moving cities, or redefining how you live, your nervous system is wired to prefer the familiar — even when the familiar is deeply unsatisfying. So of course it’s going to tell you: It’s too much. It’s too overwhelming. Not now.
That voice can be incredibly persuasive. It can freeze your body, cloud your thinking, and make even the first step feel impossible. But this doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong — it means you’re human.
The hard truth is that readiness often comes after action, not before it. Confidence is built through movement, not through waiting for anxiety to disappear. You don’t need a 100-step plan or total certainty. You just need the willingness to take the next step — and then the one after that.
Readiness is a choice before it becomes a feeling.
Hard Truth #2: Using the Fear of Regret as a Compass Will Keep You Stuck
One of the most paralysing questions people ask themselves when facing change is: What if I regret it?
What if I regret leaving?
What if I regret staying?
What if I make the wrong choice?
When fear of regret becomes the primary decision-making tool, the result is often inaction. Time passes, nothing changes, and the fear remains — because one half of that fear is always what if I regret not doing anything at all?
The truth is, we don’t get a crystal ball. Outcomes are only partially within our control, and regret is often judged in hindsight based not just on our choices, but on countless variables we couldn’t have predicted or controlled.
So instead of asking, Which path guarantees I won’t regret this? — a question that will never bring the certainty anxiety is craving — a more grounded question is:
How can I show up in a way that I’ll be proud of?
How can I lead from integrity and alignment with my values?
When your decisions are guided by who you want to be — not by an imagined future outcome — you’re far less likely to look back and feel ashamed of yourself. You may still feel sadness or grief, but you’ll know you acted from self-respect.
One important distinction here: if you already know you regret the life you’re living right now, that’s not hypothetical fear — that’s present-moment truth. And that truth deserves your attention.
Hard Truth #3: Your Life Will Change When Your Standards Change
Much of what makes up our lives is shaped by what we’re willing to tolerate.
This isn’t about blaming yourself for how others have treated you. But it is about recognising your agency. Your standards — in relationships, work, health, environment, and self-talk — quietly set the tone for your life.
If you expect flakiness, emotional unavailability, or chronic disappointment, you’re more likely to tolerate it. And when you tolerate it, it stays in your world.
Raising your standards doesn’t mean controlling others — it means becoming unavailable for what drains you, diminishes you, or leaves you feeling resentful and depleted. It’s an act of self-respect that often requires sacrifice, courage, and the willingness to walk away from things you once fought hard to keep.
This is especially difficult for people with anxious attachment patterns, where the instinct is to hold on, try harder, and hope for change. But sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to close the door on what continues to cost you your vitality.
Your life will change when you decide what is — and is no longer — acceptable.
A Final Word
If these truths feel confronting, they’re meant to. But they’re offered with deep belief in your capacity to create a meaningful, aligned life.
No matter where you are right now — no matter what you regret, what didn’t work, or what you wish you’d done differently — you can always course correct. Shame doesn’t help you change, but self-honesty does.
There will never be a perfect time, which means now is good enough.
Change begins when you decide.
And as uncomfortable as it may be, no one is coming to rescue you.
That responsibility is also your power.
You are capable of making brave, loving decisions that honour your worth. And I am cheering you on every step of the way.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am sharing three hard truths about changing your life. And it's something that I wanted to share it. Being on the cusp of a new year now, I know that a lot of people have kind of mixed feelings around the whole New Year, New Me energy and the tradition of setting resolutions and all of those things. And certainly I think that if your New Year's resolutions are just things that you pluck out of thin air, or the same thing that you've said for the last 10 years, and there's no real plan or structure or follow through behind it, then certainly I think that can actually do more harm than good. Because whether it's New Year's resolutions or anything else, I think when we make commitments that we don't follow through on, that is really an effective way to erode self trust and self respect. But for me, New Year always carries a really potent energy.
[00:00:58]:
And it's a time that I personally love to sit down and reflect on the year that's been and set clear intentions for myself for the coming year. And I have all of these in the one little book for the past few years. And it's amazing to read back on my reflections and my intentions and to see how those things unfolded, often in unexpected ways. But it's really powerful and very deeply satisfying to me to see how those things came to fruition or maybe took unexpected turns. But nonetheless, it's always a very fruitful and meaningful exercise for me. And while I think it can feel kind of arbitrary, you know that the clock ticks over and suddenly you're meant to shed all your skin and step into a new version of yourself. And to the extent that all of that kind of messaging and content is coming from a not enough place or a shamey place where you feel like you should be further along or you suddenly have to become someone different in order to feel like you're doing it right, I think we can like put all of that in the bin, put all that to one side, drown that out as much as you can. But certainly for me, and maybe for you as well, there is something really nice and meaningful and reflective about using this time of year and the turning over of a new leaf to clarify our intentions to more decisive, to be clear about what we want and what we're working towards, what matters to us, what we value and what kind of life we're building.
[00:02:29]:
Because to me that's the difference between kind of drifting on open seas or actually clearly sailing towards a destination. If we don't know where we're going or what we're aiming for, where we don't want to be going, then there's every chance that we're going to end up somewhere that we don't want to be. So that's really the intention behind today's episode, is to offer you some food for thought and these hard truths around making big changes. If that feels like something you're on the cusp of or that you've been putting off for a long time, that you've been avoiding, just really reminding you that now is as good a time as ever and calling you forward into more courage and more self trust as we enter the New Year. Now, just before I get into these three hard truths, I wanted to remind you about my upcoming 28 day secure self challenge. It's kicking off on the 12th of January. Early bird pricing is available until the 1st of January, so if you would like to join, please do. You can still join up to the challenge start date, but it'll be a slightly lower cost if you join sooner rather than later.
[00:03:36]:
But yeah, I'd love to spend 28 days with you focusing on building really deep, solid self worth. Because if you've been around here a while, you'd know that I'm a big believer in self worth as the bedrock, the foundation that makes everything else flow a little more easefully. Whether that's relationships, friendships, work, all of it is going to benefit from you building self worth. And in the challenge we go through week by week, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy and self trust. It's my lowest cost offering, so it's a nice entry point. If you have been interested in doing one of my programmes, it's a really great place to start. So the link to that is in the show notes or you can head to my website as well. Okay, so let's talk about three hard truths about changing your life.
[00:04:23]:
The first one is there is never going to be a perfect time. So waiting until you feel ready is going to leave you waiting for a really long time. And maybe you already know that because maybe you have been waiting for a convenient time to make a big change and you keep kicking the can down the road. You keep reaching for excuses or justifications or reasons why it feels imperfect or too much right now or overwhelming. And all of that is totally valid, right? Because it probably is overwhelming to think about making a big change. Whether that's to work, whether that's to a relationship, whether that's to where you're living. It's really natural that your nervous system is going to steer you away from doing something that feels destabilising, even if you know it's needed and it's the right thing. It's going to take a lot of courage and, and decisive action, even in the face of all of that imperfect timing, if you are wanting to make a big change.
[00:05:24]:
So it's really important that we understand that in many ways the odds are against us, or at least our system is going to heavily tilt towards maintaining the status quo. And that can be very persuasive because our nervous system is also the thing telling us it's too much, it's too overwhelming, don't do it. And that voice can feel very loud and it affects everything. It's like our whole body can seize up and go into a freeze response and feel like I can't even think about taking the first step, let alone all of the steps after that. So that's just something to be really aware of and it's not something to override or dismiss. But if we want to make big changes, recognising that, it's a bit of a fallacy to be waiting for the right time or the perfect time, or a feeling of readiness. Oftentimes readiness is something that comes from action. It's a choice, and we create momentum through the doing, rather than waking up one day and going, great, today's the day I feel ready and I'm not anxious about it anymore, or I have total clarity, or I have 100% confidence that this is the right thing.
[00:06:30]:
Oftentimes we have to get the ball rolling and we have to take the first step, or maybe the first few steps before that confidence starts to build, before we have a sense of like, okay, I'm doing this and I can do this. But it is that sense of confidence coming from action rather than, like, thinking our way to the perfect plan and the perfect time, and taking anxiety or uncertainty as a sign that it's not the right time yet or that we're not ready. I often teach the same thing. You might have heard me say it around breakups that, like, moving on is a choice before it's a feeling. And I think the same thing is true here, that readiness has to be a choice before it becomes a feeling. And we actually have to step into that realm of in between, of transition, of discomfort, and expect it to feel really wobbly while still leading from the part of us that knows, like, this is the way and this is what my integrity is calling me Forward into. Even if I don't have all the answers right now, even if it feels like imperfect timing, I just have to take the first step and then I have to take the next step and the next step. And I don't need to know what the next 100 steps are.
[00:07:38]:
I do just have to lean into forward motion and trust myself to fit. Figure it out as I go. That was certainly, as a little side note for anyone who doesn't know, I used to be a corporate lawyer. And when I quit my job to become a coach, I did not have a fully fledged plan. I did not have certainty that it was going to work out. I didn't really have a lot of answers, but I had a really strong sense of this is what I want. This feels right. This feels so enlivening.
[00:08:06]:
And so it was a matter of just figuring out, like, what's the first step? Okay, I've got the first step, let's do it. And actually leaning into all of the unknowns and all of the uncertainty and all of the possibilities and choosing to trust myself to figure it out, rather than having all the answers before I took action. Now, the next hard truth, which is sort of related, is using the fear of regret as a compass in your decision making is generally not going to be helpful and will probably keep you stuck. So this is something that I encounter all the time, is people feel very frozen, paralysed, when they're on the cusp of a big change or a big decision because they are consumed by this question of, what if I regret it? If it's a relationship, what if I regret leaving, what if I regret staying? And I'm so terrified of the possibility of regretting my choice that I do nothing right, that I just stay where I am and then time goes on and that doesn't go away, that fear of regret. Because one half of that fear is, what if I regret not taking action? And so I think we need to just put that question aside, let that not be the focus, because the reality is we'll never know that the outcome is only partially within our control. We quite unfairly judge regret in hindsight, not just based on what we did or how we showed up, but on all the other things that unfolded that were outside of our control. So we need to realise that when we're asking this question of, like, what if I regret it? We're trying to find our way to some sort of crystal ball that can tell us what is the path that's going to guarantee me happiness, Our life free from Disappointment or hurt or heartbreak. We just don't have that because so much of that is outside of our control.
[00:10:04]:
And I know that that feels really scary. Scary. But trying to think your way to the choice that will guarantee you a life free from regret is never going to yield the certainty that your anxiety is craving because it just doesn't exist. Okay? So instead of focusing on which decision or which path or which choice is the one that I won't regret based on some future outcome, what we want to reorient to in making these big decisions is how can I show up in a way that I will be proud of? How can I lead from integrity? How can I make a choice that feels guided by my values and what is important to me and the kind of person that I want to be along the way, rather than trying to make a choice that guarantees the outcome that I'm hoping for, which is most of the time outside of our control, because there are lots of other variables and factors that go into that. So shifting away from, oh, my God, what if I regret it? And towards how can I make a choice that feels aligned and that I can stand behind, knowing that it was based on and guided by my values, my sense of integrity, and the kind of person that I want to be. Because frankly, I don't think that that is a choice that you are going to regret. Say, God, what was I thinking? Or how could I have done that? Because you'll know that that was the right decision for you because it came from the right place within you. Okay? The only exceptional footnote that I'll give to that is if you know right now that you are already living a life that you regret, then that is something that you might want to listen to if you're not ruminating on the possibility of regret in the future.
[00:11:41]:
But, like, I already regret it. And again, that was true for me when I was working as an M and a lawyer and I was in a really unhealthy relationship at the time. It wasn't like, what do I do? Because I might regret it if I leave or if I stay? There was a deep knowing within me that I already regretted being in that life, that it was not the right life for me. And so if it's that kind of voice saying, like, you got to get out of here because this is not right for you and you know it, then that has a very different quality to the fear of regret as a what if abstract future thing that our anxiety is clutching onto. That is more an awareness and knowledge of present regret. Or present misalignment that we should absolutely listen to and acknowledge and allow to guide us towards the courageous, brave, scary thing that might be making a big change. And the third hard truth about changing your life is that your life will change when your standards change. Now this is not about saying that you are responsible for how other people behave or how they treat you, or the things that other people might have done that could be really shitty, but it is an acknowledgement of the fact that we all accept and tolerate certain things in our lives.
[00:12:58]:
And again, that's not just about other people. It might be what we accept and tolerate in our living space or with respect to our health, the things that we compromise on or the things that we refuse to compromise on. We all have our standards and our non negotiables, right? And so acknowledging that a lot of what makes up your life is a product of what you are willing to tolerate and what your standards are. And so you have a lot more agency than perhaps you realise to change what your life looks and feels like by changing the standards of what you will accept and tolerate. Now this shows up in so many places. In dating, for example, if you have the expectation that people are going to be flaky and non committal and have poor communication or maybe be a bit lukewarm in their interests and that's just what you've come to expect, then you're probably going to tolerate a degree of that and you're going to continue to have that in your field, right, in your world. Because that's not something that you say an unequivocal no to, it's something that you go, well, yeah, that's just how it works. So more of that, right? Whereas if we just say I'm absolutely not available for that in any form, then yeah, that might narrow our options, but it also ensures that that's not going to be part of our storey, that's not going to be part of what we allow into our space, into our life.
[00:14:25]:
And the same goes for lots of things. So this is really a call to action around boundaries and an invitation to reflect on what am I tolerating? Where are my standards lower than maybe I would like them to be? And where is that leading me? Into resentment, frustration, victimhood, energy of it's so unfair and why me? And really resisting all of these things that keep showing up in our lives while maybe not recognising the role that we're playing in allowing those things to still be there or continuing to participate in co creative dynamics when we could just opt out and say, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm no longer available for this in any way, shape or form. And of course, that requires us to make certain sacrifices. But again, we have to decide if I'm going to be unavailable for this, if I'm not going to tolerate it, then I kind of need to not tolerate it anymore. And that can be such a hard one, particularly for folks with anxious attachment patterns, and particularly when it comes to relationships. Because our instinct, of course, is to keep holding on, keep trying and keep pushing, wanting things to change. But I think sometimes when the writing's on the wall, we actually just have to maybe let go, maybe walk away from the things that continue to drain us of our vitality, of our life force, of our sense of wellbeing, and recognise that actually, if that is not a net benefit to my life, then it is my responsibility to say goodbye, to close the door, and to make myself unavailable for that, to really raise my standard.
[00:15:59]:
So, recognising that your life will change when your standards change, and if you want to feel better, if you want to have healthier relationships, if you want to have more fruitful friendships, you may have to raise your standards on all fronts around how you treat yourself, how you speak to yourself, the kinds of relationships and friendships you invest in, your working environment, all of those things. If you are wanting those things to change substantively, qualitatively, if you want to feel differently and better in one or more of those arenas, then you are going to need to raise your standards for what is acceptable to you, for what you will tolerate. Because if we just keep putting up with things that are leaving us burnt out, angry, resentful, feeling sorry for ourselves, then that is going to be the tone that we set for our lives. And I don't think that's the place from which any of us really want to live. Okay, team, so those were three hard truths about changing your life. I really hope that you have received those in the spirit in which I have delivered them, which is one of so much love and deep belief in your capacity to create a beautiful life. No matter where you're at in life, no matter how hard things have felt, the sun always rises and there are always things that are within your control. There might be heaps of shitty things that have happened that were outside of your control, or you might have done a whole bunch of things that you really wish you hadn't, and that's okay.
[00:17:30]:
We talked about the fear of future regret today. Another piece of that is that we can learn from the things that we do regret to the extent that we have behaved in ways that we're not proud of. Use all of that to course correct. Don't use it as a way to collapse into shame and to beat yourself up and to tell yourself storeys that you know your life is over or you've missed your shot, you can always, always turn over a new leaf. You can always decide enough is enough. I'm going to make changes. And I think that as much as there are all of the cliches about New Year's, it is a beautiful time if you are knowing that you need to make some changes to really say, okay, what is this year going to be about for me? What commitments am I making to myself? What am I going to signal to myself about my worth and value? With the choices that I'm going to make and how I'm going to show up and the commitments that I'm making to myself, we can really set the tone for everything in our life based on how we relate to ourselves and the way that we show up for ourselves. So if you are feeling like you need to make some big changes but you're scared or shame is getting in the way, or you're not really sure if you can do it, please just know that you can.
[00:18:41]:
And there's never going to be a perfect time, which means now is good. Today is as good a day as any. And I am here cheering you on and rooting for you. And I have utmost faith in your ability to create a beautiful, meaningful life where you feel seen and known and loved and appreciated for who you are. And so if you are tolerating a life at the moment that feels far away from that, know that it doesn't always have to be like this. But change begins when you decide. And for better or for worse, no one's coming to rescue you. That is on you.
[00:19:12]:
And it's one of the bravest, most loving things you can ever do is decide to make a big change when you know that all sides are pointing to that. So I'm sending you so much love. I am wishing you a Beautiful start to 2026. Thank you for all of your support on the podcast this year. It's been a huge year. I hope to see some of you inside the 28 day secure self challenge which is kicking off in a couple of weeks time. But otherwise I'll see you next week on the podcast. Thanks guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
New Year reflections, setting intentions, changing your life, hard truths, New Year’s resolutions, self trust, self respect, personal growth, fear of regret, making big changes, self worth, Secure Self Challenge, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy, readiness for change, building confidence, leaving your comfort zone, imperfect timing, career change, overcoming anxiety, relationship decisions, boundaries, raising your standards, tolerating less, victim mentality, shame, self responsibility, making commitments, life transformation