#277: What to Look For in a Long-Term Partner
Choosing who you're going to commit to is a life-altering decision — so it's little wonder so many of us feel the weight of that pressure, and experience doubt around whether we're making the "right" decision.
And while no one but you can ultimately make that call, in today's episode I'm sharing some guidance on the qualities and attributes that I find essential to making long-term relationships work.
Choosing who you want to build a life with is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make.
And if you experience relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, or fearful-avoidant attachment, that decision can feel especially high stakes. You might feel deeply attached to someone while simultaneously experiencing doubt, fear, and endless questions about whether they’re really the right person for you.
Rather than trying to find a perfect formula for choosing a life partner, it can be more helpful to have a set of guiding principles to come back to.
Whether you’re currently in a relationship and wondering if this is someone you want to commit to long-term, or you’re single and thinking about what you want in a future partner, here are six important things to consider.
1. Do You Respect and Admire Each Other?
Respect and admiration should be foundational in a long-term relationship.
Ask yourself: Do I genuinely respect this person? Do I admire who they are and how they move through the world? And do I feel that same respect and admiration coming back toward me?
It might sound obvious, but plenty of people stay in relationships where they fundamentally disapprove of their partner. They may spend enormous amounts of energy criticising them, trying to change them, or wishing they were different.
It’s very difficult to build a healthy life with someone you don’t respect.
That doesn’t mean you need to think your partner is perfect. But you should be able to look at them and see someone of character and integrity — someone you feel proud to be with.
When respect and admiration are missing, that tends to trickle into every other part of the relationship.
2. Can You Trust Each Other?
We can’t have emotional safety without trust.
And trust is about much more than whether someone tells the truth.
Trust is built gradually through experiences of trustworthiness. Someone says they’re going to do something, and they do it. They keep their word. They show up when you need them. They can hear something vulnerable without shutting down, blowing up, or becoming defensive. When they make a mistake, they’re able to acknowledge it and apologise.
Over time, those moments build a deeper knowing:
This is someone I can depend on.
If your relationship has experienced breaches of trust, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s beyond repair. But repairing those ruptures needs to be prioritised.
Building a life with someone you fundamentally don’t trust — or someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe — makes everything else much harder.
3. Do You Actually Enjoy Being Together?
This one is simple but incredibly important:
Do you like being around each other?
Do you laugh together? Have fun? Enjoy sharing the little details of your day? Is there a genuine friendship underneath the romantic relationship?
Warmth, friendship, lightness and play are incredibly nourishing for a relationship.
Of course, life won’t always feel light. There will be stressful seasons, difficult conversations, responsibilities and challenges. But if your relationship is only logistical, pragmatic, serious or intense, that can be difficult to sustain over the long term.
Those small moments of connection matter.
Laughing together. Sharing something you’re excited about. Enjoying an ordinary evening at home. Feeling like your partner is also your friend.
That goodwill helps create a strong foundation for navigating the harder parts of life together.
4. Are Your Visions for the Future Compatible?
You don’t need to agree on absolutely everything, but you should have broadly compatible ideas about the life you want to create.
This becomes particularly important when it comes to the bigger, more binary decisions:
Do you want to get married?
Do you want children?
Where do you want to live?
What kind of lifestyle do you want?
What does a good life look like to each of you?
Compromise is inevitable in relationships. But when two people have fundamentally competing visions for their futures, it can create resentment — particularly if one person feels they’ve had to sacrifice something deeply important to them in order for the relationship to continue.
You also need to be able to talk about the future.
Trying to build a life with someone who refuses to discuss where the relationship is going can create enormous uncertainty and anxiety.
A healthy partnership allows you to plan, dream, make decisions and feel that you’re actively building something together.
5. Can You Live With Their Difficult Qualities?
Everyone comes with baggage.
We all have flaws, imperfections, struggles, emotional blocks and histories that affect how we show up in relationships.
So choosing a life partner isn’t about finding someone who has none of those things.
A more useful question is:
Are this person’s difficult qualities things I can realistically live with?
Some partners will simply be a better fit for us than others.
Sometimes the combination of one person’s wounds, patterns and triggers with another person’s can create a perfect storm — one where both people continually exacerbate each other’s pain.
It’s worth asking whether the challenges in your relationship are inviting you both into growth, or whether they’re keeping you locked in a painful pattern that never really changes.
Knowing yourself matters here.
What can you live with? What can you tolerate? What genuinely isn't good for you?
Someone can be a good person and still have challenges that are too challenging for you. Being able to recognise that is an important part of discernment.
6. Can You Be a Team When Life Gets Hard?
Life will throw curveballs.
There will be job losses, family problems, illness, grief, financial stress, exhaustion, uncertainty and seasons where one or both of you simply aren’t at your best.
So one of the most important questions you can ask is:
When things get hard, do we come together or turn against each other?
This doesn’t mean you’ll never argue under stress. No couple navigates every difficult moment perfectly.
But underneath the frustration and fear, is there still a sense that you’re on the same team?
Can you recognise when things are hard and ask, How can we be kind to each other through this? What do you need? What do I need? How can we support each other?
Or does stress consistently make the relationship oppositional — me versus you, my needs versus yours?
These patterns can absolutely change. Teamwork is something couples can consciously develop.
But if every difficult season seems to divide you, it’s worth paying attention to that before committing to building a life together.
One of the great gifts of a long-term partnership is knowing that someone is in your corner when life gets hard. And there can be immense grief in being in a relationship where the person who is supposed to be in your corner feels absent when you need them most.
Choosing a Partner — And Being One
Ultimately, choosing a life partner isn’t about finding a miraculous person who ticks every box and never challenges you.
It’s about finding someone with whom you can build trust, respect, friendship and a shared life — someone whose imperfections you can navigate and who can navigate yours.
And importantly, these questions aren't only about assessing another person.
They’re also an invitation to ask:
Am I embodying these qualities too?
Am I trustworthy? Am I respectful? Can I be playful and warm? Can I talk openly about the future? Can I support my partner when things are hard? Am I willing to take responsibility for my own patterns and grow?
The goal isn’t perfection.
It’s two people who share enough of the same values and principles — and who are willing to keep showing up for themselves, each other, and the life they’re choosing to build together.
You might also like…
[00:01:40]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to choose a life partner, which feels like a massive topic. And in almost 300 episodes, I don't think I've addressed it in such plain terms. And in truth, today's episode is going to be less about how to choose that person or how to find that person and more me giving you some guiding questions to assess if you're in a relationship, whether that is someone that you maybe want to commit to and build a life with. And I know so many people, particularly who experience various flavours of relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, maybe fearful avoidant attachment, can experience a lot of doubt and reservations even at the same time as you feel very attached to someone. Sometimes our fear and worry about the future can make us it all seem very high stakes. And of course it is high stakes.
[00:02:37]:
Choosing who you're gonna build a life with is one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make, and it's not one that you should make lightly or without intention. And I'm hoping that the guiding principles that I give you in today's episode might provide a bit of a scaffold or a framework to reflect on your own relationship. Or if you're not in a relationship at the moment, that you can start to build out your own list or the things that feel really important to you around the kind of relationship you wanna be in, how you wanna feel in your relationship and what really are your non-negotiables for committing to someone and building a life together. Okay, so the first one is choose someone who you respect and admire and who you know respects and admires you. This we would hope would be obvious, but I think there are lots and lots of people, I know there are lots of people in relationships where these things are lacking, where there is a basic lack of respect, admiration, where you don't see your partner as being a person of character and integrity, and maybe you look down upon them or you disapprove of them, and yet you're still in the relationship and channelling all your energy into criticising them into changing. And of course, that's not a very positive or healthy or conducive relational environment. And I think sometimes, and I say this absolutely from experience in a previous relationship, that I was very much guilty of not really feeling respect or admiration for my partner and yet persisting in the relationship. I think sometimes we do just have to zoom out and realise that these things should be an absolute bare minimum, that we really see our partner as being a person of integrity, as being a person of high character, of being a person that we really admire and look up to and feel proud to be with.
[00:04:22]:
And if those things are missing, if we don't see them in that light, then of course that's going to trickle into every aspect of our relationship. They're gonna feel it. We're gonna feel it. It's really hard to build a life with someone who you don't have that respect and admiration for and who you fundamentally disapprove of, the person that they are and the way that they live their life. So I think that respect and admiration should be really foundational to anyone that you're thinking about committing to and building a life with. Okay. The second piece is around trust. And I think that trust is absolutely paramount.
[00:04:59]:
We can't have emotional safety without trust. So choose someone who you trust, who has demonstrated themselves to be worthy of your trust. I've spoken before about the fact that trust and trustworthiness go hand in hand. And it's sort of like, you know, laying bricks one at a time. We might open ourselves up and someone demonstrates themselves to be trustworthy, and so we extend that trust to them. And over time, we start to build this really strong sense of, this is a person who I can depend on. This is a person who keeps their word. This is a person who can apologise when they get something wrong or make a mistake.
[00:05:35]:
This is a person who I know I can call and they will be there. This is a person who I can share vulnerable Trust is a lot bigger than just telling the truth. It's actually about the overall emotional environment of the relationship. And when that's lacking on any of those counts, whether it's that you feel like this person's unreliable or flaky, or you feel like you can't bring vulnerable things to them because they shut down or they blow up or they get defensive, all of that can really erode the trust base of the relationship over time. And that's not It's not to say that if you're listening and you notice those factors being present in your relationship, that the relationship's too far gone or that it's irreparable. But it is really important that trust be prioritised in a relationship, and it needs to, of course, go in both directions. But having this really deep commitment to one another, to trust and trustworthiness, to embodying that, and part of that is absolutely repairing if there have been any breaches of trust, if there have been any betrayals, if there have been any ruptures that you feel have damaged that trust base. So you definitely don't want to be committing to building a life with someone who you fundamentally do not trust and do not feel emotionally safe with, because it's so hard to build anything healthy if that's not there.
[00:06:59]:
Okay, the next one is a little bit lighter, and it is simply, do we love being around each other? Do we have fun together? Do we laugh together? Do we have a strong friendship alongside being romantic partners? Now, again, of course we'd hope that this would be an obvious one, but I think it does bear mentioning that Friendship, warmth, fun, lightness, play— these things are so cup-filling for a relationship. And if it's only ever pragmatic or logistical or serious or intense, that's really hard to sustain over the long term. And I think that having that baseline of enjoying each other's company, of having a relational environment, a home life that feels warm and loving and playful, I think that That builds so much connection in little moments that really contributes to the goodwill in the relationship over time and really helps to balance out the hard stuff. Because there will, of course, be hard stuff. It's not all gonna be play and laughter every day for the rest of your life. But I think the more that you have that foundation of a really strong friendship and just loving each other's company, loving being around each other, loving sharing what happened in your day with each other, loving sharing the things that you're passionate about with each other, all of that contributes to a really solid base that supports the overall relational environment and certainly provides you with the strength to go through the hard stuff together. Okay, the next one is, do you have a vision for what you want for your lives? And is that vision that you each have compatible with the other's? So this is more of a compatibility point, but if you have fundamentally different ideas of what you want for your lives, and certainly things that are quite binary around marriage or kids or what kind of lifestyle you want to live, if one of you wants to be in Yeah. The city and the other wants to be on a homestead.
[00:08:51]:
Clearly something's got to give there. And of course there's always going to be compromise in relationships and you're not always going to see eye to eye. But I think having a broadly shared vision of what it means to live a good life, the things that you want for yourselves, I think that helps so much because I think it's just one less obstacle that you need to overcome if you do have different visions that feel like they're in competition with each other. And I think What can happen when you have competing visions and it feels like only one person can get their way, so to speak, that can be a really reliable way to build resentment. If one person feels like they're having to sacrifice what they want for their lives, and particularly if that's a big thing and it's a permanent thing, that can be really damaging to the relationship and can lead to a lot of regret and resentment. So having a shared vision, and it goes without saying, being able to talk about that vision, being able to talk about the future, committing to someone who refuses to talk about the future is not a a good idea because that is a recipe for anxiety. You can't really build a future with someone where there's this big cloud of uncertainty hanging over it. So being able to plan together, have those conversations, and feel like you are building together, I think that's really important as well.
[00:10:03]:
Okay, the next one is choose someone whose difficult qualities are things that you can live with. So the things about them that challenge you, their flaws, their imperfections, their struggles, their emotional blocks, whatever, their history. We've got things that can be challenging to live with and to deal with and that come up and we do have to confront and turn towards and all of that. So it's not about finding some person that is a clean slate and has no baggage, but we do wanna find someone whose baggage doesn't cause us immense pain and suffering. Because of course there will be certain partners who are a better fit for us and others who the unique combination of their stuff with our stuff might just be a perfect storm that makes it all too hard and painful. And where we're at, where they're at, our current capacity and skill level and all of those things, it might just be forcing something that is mainly causing pain and suffering. So I think there is a lot of discernment required in being able to look honestly at, are the ways in which we challenge each other an invitation into growth and an opportunity for growth? Or is it just locking me in a really painful pattern that exacerbates all of my stuff and my stuff then exacerbates their stuff and we just stay stuck? and maybe get worse. So I think being able to be honest with yourself about that and knowing yourself enough to know what's good for you, to know what you can live with, to know what you can handle, to know what you can tolerate, I think that's very wise to be able to make that call and to realise when someone else's challenges might just be too challenging for you, or whether it's actually something where you can go through it together.
[00:11:49]:
Okay, and the last one that I want to share is that You should choose someone who you're able to band together with even in the hard moments and on your worst days. Now, that's not to say that you won't have conflict or that you perfectly execute teamwork and there's never a terse moment or anything like that. Of course, that's not realistic at all. But fundamentally, when life throws curveballs, when things get hard, when you're feeling vulnerable, when something happens, you get fired from your job or you've got a sick parent or some other big thing happens that feels overwhelming and scary, are you Are you able to come together as a team and support each other and be stronger for it on those hard days and through those hard seasons? Or do challenging things tend to divide you and turn you against each other? Because for a lot of people, particularly when we've got a lot of insecurity and fear and protective patterns at play, when we're under stress, we can really turn on each other. And that can really be fuel on the fire of all of our underlying stuff. If we don't have the skills and the maturity and the capacity to actually see that happening and go, okay, this is hard. How can we be kind to each other through this? How can we support each other? How can we recognise that this is going to be a tough season and see what we each need and how we can come out of this stronger, or at least come out of this still standing? I think if under stress, you and/or they default straight to self-absorption and me and my needs and you're not supporting me and getting very oppositional, again, as is very common, it's not something that you need to ashamed of, but stress can make us very selfish, then that can be tricky. And again, it's not something that you either have or you don't.
[00:13:36]:
It's certainly something you can develop over time. But if you know that the track record in your relationship is that whenever hard things happen, you turn on each other, or it divides you, or it foretells a big storm for the relationship, that's certainly something that you want to work on and look at and really consciously try and shift away from if you want to commit to building a life with this person. Because life Yeah. Life can be hard, and there will be hard times. And really, the whole point of being in a long-term relationship is knowing that you have someone in your corner on those days. And I actually think there's immense grief in being in a relationship where you don't have someone in your corner who's meant to be in your corner. And that can be so heartbreaking to feel like something big happens and the person who you really want to be there and to make feel a little bit lighter on those really hard and heavy days is unable or unwilling to do that for you. So that's really something to look for, to cultivate, to strive for in your relationships as well.
[00:14:39]:
Okay, so I hope that was helpful. I hope it's given you something to reflect on if you're in a relationship at the moment, or if you're just thinking about a future relationship and some of the things that you might really look for and seek in a partner and seek to embody in a partner. Because of course, it's not just about finding some miracle perfect person And it's also about striving to embody and be the best partner that you can be so that you attract someone who is like-minded and has similar values and principles that guide their own relationships. Okay. Thanks as always for joining me, guys. So grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback. If you're on Spotify, you can leave a comment under the episode. Follow the show, subscribe on YouTube.
[00:15:18]:
All of those little things that don't mean much to you actually are a huge help to me and help me to continue to grow the audience and for the show to find new people. So grateful as always.
[00:15:28]:
Thanks for your support, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
choosing a life partner, relationship guidance, relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, respect in relationships, admiration in relationships, trust in relationships, emotional safety, trustworthiness, relationship framework, building a life together, non-negotiables in relationships, relationship compatibility, shared vision, compromise in relationships, resentment in relationships, relational environment, friendship in relationships, fun in relationships, laughter in relationships, planning a future together, personal growth in relationships, managing conflict, relationship challenges, teamwork in relationships, supporting each other, stress in relationships, long-term relationships, relationship advice, building emotional connection
#276: Attachment & Conflict (Part 4): Repairing After Relationship Rupture
Learning to repair after conflict or ruptures is one of the most valuable relationship skills you'll ever have. But for many of us, meaningful repair isn't something we ever really learned or had modelled. In this episode, we talk about three key components of repair, and how they can help us to transform conflict into deeper understanding, connection, and intimacy.
One of the biggest misconceptions about healthy relationships is that people in them don't have conflict.
The reality is quite the opposite.
Every relationship experiences misunderstandings, hurt feelings, disagreements, and moments where we miss each other. Whether it's with a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, or even our children, ruptures are inevitable.
What determines the health of a relationship isn't whether conflict happens—it's what happens afterwards.
That's where repair comes in.
Repair is the process of finding your way back to one another after a rupture. It's how we rebuild trust, deepen understanding, and strengthen connection after things have gone sideways.
In many ways, repair is one of the most important relationship skills we can develop.
Conflict Doesn't Have to Mean Disconnection
It's easy to think of conflict as something to avoid. But conflict often reveals important information.
It highlights unmet needs.
It exposes recurring patterns.
It shines a light on places where we feel unseen, disconnected, or misunderstood.
While conflict itself can feel uncomfortable, it also creates an opportunity. When we're able to come back together with openness and goodwill, we can learn more about ourselves, understand each other more deeply, and create healthier ways of relating moving forward.
Without repair, resentment quietly accumulates. Trust slowly erodes. Small moments become bigger stories.
With repair, those same moments can actually strengthen a relationship rather than weaken it.
Start with Connection, Not Combat
One of the biggest barriers to repair is that we often approach it while still trying to prove our case.
We want the other person to understand how much they hurt us.
We want them to admit they were wrong.
We want justice before we're willing to soften.
While those desires are understandable, they often produce the opposite of what we're hoping for.
When someone feels blamed, criticised, or attacked, their nervous system naturally moves toward self-protection. Instead of hearing your pain, they're busy defending themselves.
If what you're truly longing for is understanding, acknowledgement, and closeness, the most effective place to begin is usually with vulnerability rather than accusation.
Instead of leading with:
"You completely overreacted."
or
"Are we finally going to talk about what you did?"
try something more like:
"Can we talk about what happened earlier? I'd really like us to reconnect."
The goal isn't to minimise your experience or pretend nothing happened.
It's simply to create enough emotional safety that both people can stay engaged in the conversation.
Separate Intention from Impact
One of the most powerful shifts we can make during repair is learning to distinguish between what we intended and the impact we actually had.
These are not the same thing.
Perhaps you were trying to help.
Perhaps you were trying to solve a problem.
Perhaps you were trying to make your partner feel better.
But if your actions landed as criticism, control, dismissal, or rejection, insisting on your good intentions rarely helps.
Many of us instinctively say things like:
"I was only trying to help."
"That's not what I meant."
"You've misunderstood me."
While those statements may be true, they often communicate that we're more invested in defending ourselves than understanding the other person's experience.
Repair becomes much more meaningful when we're willing to acknowledge the impact without abandoning our intention.
That might sound like:
"I can see that what I said really hurt you. That wasn't my intention at all, but I understand that's how it landed, and I'm truly sorry."
This kind of response doesn't require you to agree with every aspect of someone else's interpretation.
It simply communicates that their experience matters.
And that creates space for reconnection.
A Meaningful Apology Goes Beyond "I'm Sorry"
Not every disagreement requires a long relationship debrief.
Sometimes a genuine:
"I'm sorry about this morning. I was stressed, and I don't like leaving things between us like that."
is enough.
But when conflict reflects a recurring pattern or touches something more significant, repair often requires more than an apology.
It requires accountability.
That means asking questions like:
What happened here?
What can we each learn from this?
How can we approach this differently next time?
An apology without any willingness to change can leave the other person wondering whether anything will actually improve.
When appropriate, repair includes a commitment to doing something differently in the future.
Not because perfection is the goal, but because growth is.
Make Repair a Collaborative Process
When emotions are running high, it's easy to focus on what the other person needs to change.
But some of the healthiest repair conversations shift from:
"What are you going to do differently?"
to:
"How can we do this differently together?"
Of course, there are situations where one person's behaviour clearly crossed a line or violated a boundary, and accountability rightly rests more heavily with them.
But in many everyday conflicts, approaching repair as a shared effort helps move both people out of defensiveness and into partnership.
Rather than trying to win the argument, you're working together to strengthen the relationship.
Repair Builds Trust
Trust isn't built because we never disappoint each other.
Trust is built because we know we'll find our way back after we do.
Healthy relationships aren't defined by flawless communication or perfect emotional regulation. They're defined by two people who are willing to keep choosing each other—especially after things haven't gone according to plan.
Repair is rarely about having the perfect words.
It's about bringing humility instead of certainty.
Curiosity instead of defensiveness.
Connection instead of being right.
Because every successful repair sends a powerful message:
"Even when we struggle, we're still on the same team."
And over time, that message becomes one of the strongest foundations a relationship can have.
You might also like…
[00:01:14]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about repair. So this is part 4 4th and final part of my attachment and conflict series. So we've had part 1, which was all about anxious attachment and conflict, part 2, which was about avoidant attachment and conflict, part 3, which was tips for how to have healthier conflict. And those were tips for anxious partners, tips for more avoidant partners, and then kind of relational tips. And here is part 4, all about repair. So I do wanna say at the outset, repair is such a huge topic. It's one that I've done in depth with my friend and teacher James Fish Gill a couple of times on the podcast, and I really recommend going and listening to those episodes if you haven't already.
[00:01:57]:
Fish is absolutely masterful at all things communication and repair, and those conversations are long as they're about an hour each. And we talk in a lot of depth and detail about all things repair. So that's a really good place to dive deep if you really want to sink your teeth into all of this. But for the purposes of today's episode, I just want to give a more top-level, broad contours guide to repair. In relationships. And I think it's really important to recognise that like repair is so, so important in all relationships, really. It's not just romantic relationships. Repair in friendships, repair with family, repair with our kids if you're a parent.
[00:02:37]:
It's just so important because ruptures are inevitable. And I think that's such a big part of maturing in our understanding of healthy relationships is realising that things aren't always going to go to plan. There will be days where we really miss each other and we have moments of friction And our intentions are misunderstood and things really blow up unexpectedly, or maybe we're both tired and irritable and we say something we don't mean. Being able to kind of come back around after that and clean up the mess and return to connection and love is so important because that's what allows us to not only avoid the building up of resentment and hurt that ultimately can erode our relationships and erode the trust base that we have there, but it can actually deepen us in our connection because ultimately conflict reveals something to us. Sometimes it will be revealing unmet needs, it will be revealing grievances or places where we're feeling disconnected. And while we don't always manage the conflict part as skillfully and masterfully as we would like, being able to come back when we have a bit more space, when we've had time to reflect and repair and come back into love and connection, that can be what allows us to actually make the conflict worthwhile because we can not only reconnect with each other, see each other more clearly and lovingly than maybe we had capacity for in the heat of the moment, but we can also make a plan. And I think that's one of the key pieces that we'll talk about is like, okay, what needs to happen here? Is there any action item, for want of a better word, that arises out of this thing that happened between us so that we can make sure that either it doesn't happen again or that whatever led to it, we can, we can take care of that. And I think that that can be actually a beautiful deepening of relationship to be able to go through that process of rupture and repair and emerge stronger and seeing each other more clearly than you did before.
[00:04:36]:
So I think something that's important to name at the outset is that repair doesn't have to be this really big, long, serious conversation. And I think for those of us with anxious attachment patterns, if we've been in relationships that have felt quite bogged down with emotional labour and big fights followed by very long extended repair conversations. The whole thing can just feel really heavy and serious, and sometimes it will be, depending on what we're talking about, right? Like, there's repair after infidelity, and there's like repair after the snide remark that I made as you were walking out the door this morning, right? Like, these are very different things that exist on a really, really broad spectrum. And so, When I'm speaking about this, I'm always mindful that someone, depending on the situation that they're in, might be applying it to something very different to what I'm intending when I'm sharing and teaching. So bearing in mind that like, there is a vast range of circumstances that could warrant repair in a relationship, and some will not be a one-and-done conversation. Some might need professional support. Some might be really serious and big, but others might be really brief. It might just be as simple as saying, hey, I'm I'm really sorry about this morning.
[00:05:55]:
I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I was just feeling a bit stressed because I was running late, right? So that can be repair, but repair can also be going to couples therapy for 6 months and doing some really deep work. So there is a really broad spectrum here, and it's important to recognise that because, of course, the type of repair that you're going to apply to the situation where you had a quick moment of tension before leaving for work is not the same kind of repair that's going to do the trick if there's been a betrayal, for example. So I just wanted to name that and acknowledge that. apply what I'm going to be saying with some level of discernment because it is not a one-size-fits-all approach. With that being said, I do think there are some core elements to successful and meaningful repair that can be a good guide for you no matter the circumstances. And those are acknowledgement. I think there needs to be an acknowledgement of what happened, which sounds very, very obvious, but sometimes when we're really deep in our defences, we don't even want to acknowledge it.
[00:06:54]:
It feels too vulnerable to go there. We may be don't want to open it up again, and so we are reluctant to even name the thing that happened. And particularly if we're in a bit of a cold war stance where we've both not talking to each other and we've got our arms folded, so to speak, and our backs turned on each other, being the one to turn back and say, hey, can we talk about this morning? That can actually take a lot of courage and vulnerability. So being able to acknowledge that things didn't go to plan and Not doing that in a way that's attacking or saying something that's got even a hint of fighting words in it, like, aren't we gonna speak about what happened this morning? That's got like a little bit of passive aggressiveness in it. We really wanna avoid that because like, again, we need to come to repair in the spirit of putting down our defences and returning to connection. So if we're still doing that from this guarded stance of trying to protect ourselves, trying to make the other person wrong, and maintaining that we were in the right, like none of that belongs in a repair conversation, that framework of trying to find the bad guy and villain-victim, all of that. We've got to find ways to actually park that. And again, I get it.
[00:08:06]:
If there's something big that has happened, it's really hard to let go of that. And it's not to clear someone of any responsibility to come to that conversation lovingly. And I think sometimes that can be part of our hesitation. It's like, if I put my guard down, if I don't come to this conversation with my anger still there or with that fight in me, I'm scared that you're not going to take ownership of the or that I'm not going to be able to have my pain recognised by you, and you're not going to really see the impact that you've had on me. So I feel like I have to come to you with intensity, with anger, with that accusation kind of energy. But of course, what that often yields is just more defensiveness, and then we don't really get what we're longing for, which is acknowledgement and validation and attunement. So if that is what you're wanting, for someone to be able to see the impact they've had and take ownership for that, Ironically enough, you've actually got to open your heart and show that from a more vulnerable place rather than a guarded place of leading with reminding them of how they hurt you and making them wrong for it. Because for most people, that's going to lead them to put their guard up and lead them to be defensive, and you're just going to feel more invalidated as a result.
[00:09:22]:
So acknowledgement, framing it as like, this thing happened and it felt kind of shitty, and can we talk about it? So I think for me, and this is what I try to do in my own relationship, even if that voice in my head is telling me that I was perfectly in the right and my partner was being very unreasonable, I will always try and initiate that conversation from a place of, hey, would we be able to talk about this morning? Or can we talk about what happened before? From as neutral a place as I possibly can. Even if as part of that conversation, I do want to express the impact that his behaviour had on me or any hurt that I might be feeling. I'm not going to lead with that because it's all but guaranteed that he's telling himself a similar storey about how he was in the right and how he was justified. And so if he senses that I'm leading with a storey that makes him wrong, then he's going to shut down. So we do really have to be courageous enough to lead with this neutral acknowledgement of something happened between us, and I think that we need to talk about it so that we can understand each other's position. And again, I think that's really, really crucial is like, Understand each other's position, not just, I need you to understand mine. Because again, like when we're in that conflict stance, we are all very naturally self-centered because we are in our own experience. We are perceiving them from our standpoint.
[00:10:43]:
And of course we have all the context for what we're feeling and what we were wanting to do and how reasonable we were being. And we only see them through the lens of how selfish, unreasonable, reactive, defensive, or whatever we perceive them as being. But I can guarantee you that they have a similar perception of themselves.
[00:10:58]:
Yeah.
[00:11:00]:
as being justified and in the right, and of you as being irrational or overly sensitive or dramatic or whatever, right? We can all go there. And again, I spoke about this in part 3, like if we just keep fighting over whose perception or experience or whatever is justified, we'll just fight forever. So if you want to repair, you have to try and come at it from a place of like, neither of us wanted this. Both of us were having an experience of the other person and of the moment. And we actually need to be able to have space for all of that to coexist here if we want to be able to then come back into connection and understand each other better. So, all of that to say, start with acknowledgement, and as neutral an acknowledgement as possible, not coming in with a passive-aggressive underbelly. And it's okay if you're still hurt, it's okay if you're still feeling some tenderness around it, but try to lead with vulnerability rather than any kind of attack or criticism or blame or right and wrong energy, because that will backfire all Almost guaranteed. Another key piece in repair is apology and ownership.
[00:12:08]:
And this can be really challenging because a lot of us will feel reluctant to apologise for something that we did not intend. And so in order to be able to apologise meaningfully and fully, and in a way that really lands with the other person, we have to be able to detach our intention from the impact. So we have to be able to separate out what I was trying to do from how you actually experienced the thing that I did and how that actually affected you, that might be really wildly different from what I was trying to achieve. So a common example is like, your partner thinks you're being controlling, but you think you were just trying to help, right? And so if they're experiencing that and going like, can you stop being so controlling? And you're saying, what are you talking about? I'm literally just trying to help. That is just such an impasse. And the more that you keep saying, I'm just trying to help, or I was just trying to be nice, or whatever. I'm just trying to— whenever you hear those words, you know, oh, I'm defending my intention because I am uncomfortable with the fact that they have received me differently to how I was intending. And I am needing to defend my goodness and my rightness so that I don't have to acknowledge that irrespective of what I was intending, they are experiencing me as controlling, or whatever it might be, right? There are a million and one variations of that disparity between intention and impact, and it exists in both directions in every conflict.
[00:13:39]:
And again, I speak more about this in the 2 conversations I've had on the podcast with Fish, so you can go back and listen to those. But if we want to be able to apologise and we want to be able to repair, we have to, yes, acknowledge that that wasn't our intention, and alongside that, acknowledge that we have impacted the other person with our behaviour, albeit unintentionally. And we might not be able to perfectly describe how they experienced us, but we can guess at it. And that really comes across as a peace offering. So being able to say, continuing with that same example, I was really wanting to help this morning, but it seemed like you were experiencing me as being controlling or that that didn't land the way I was hoping. So I'm really sorry if that's the case. Again, it wasn't my intention, but clearly my intention didn't land and that's not what I want. And I'm sorry for how that impacted you.
[00:14:28]:
Right? And it takes some courage and it takes some maturity to be able to do that. And some humility, because so many of us, myself included, by default would rather convince them out of their experience or convince them that they are wrong to perceive us in that way because it wasn't what we were intending. And we can be so uncomfortable with someone not seeing us as the good guy all the time. We can be so uncomfortable with them getting annoyed at us or finding us irritating or perceiving us as controlling or whatever it might be that we put all of our energy and effort into explaining to them why they are wrong to see us in that way. And we do that by reference to our good intentions or what we were just trying to do. And all of that, even if it's coming from a good place within us or a place of really wanting to clarify our intention, it just lands as invalidating of their experience because what you're actually saying is you're wrong to feel the way you do, or you're misguided to feel the way you do, or you are unjustified or whatever. And we know that when we get that, when we're told those things about something we're feeling that feels very real and true for us, That doesn't feel good. That doesn't make you feel better for someone to just tell you, oh, that's not what I meant.
[00:15:40]:
Another example is like, if someone says, oh, it was just a joke, when they've said something that was actually hurtful for you, them saying, oh, it was just a joke, stop taking it so seriously, that's never going to make you feel better, right? Because you're actually hurt by the thing. So a much better way of repairing would be, I was intending that in a lighthearted way, but I'm really sorry that that has caused you hurt. I won't do it again, right? Like, that's a much more effective apology than, it was just a joke, get over it. So having this really clear conception of intention and impact and seeing that they can and do coexist, and they can be really incongruent, that the thing that we're intending can land in a really different way. And actually just acknowledging that and being brave enough to say, like, I can see how I've impacted you, which is not the way I wanted to impact you, but nevertheless, I'm sorry, and I'm going to be more mindful of that in future. That is a really beautiful olive branch to extend to someone in conflict because there's not much for them to defend against there. It's very naturally melting of someone's defences when you can just speak to the impact that you might have had on them rather than defending why you were justified to do the thing you do and why actually they are the one who's overreacting or being unreasonable. The third component of repair that I want to talk about today, and again, I want to acknowledge this is far from exhaustive as a conversation on repair, but wanted to give you these kind of 3 key pillars to bear in mind when you're navigating repair is kind of accountability and a plan for next time.
[00:17:13]:
Now, I don't think this will always be necessary. Again, in the example of like, we had a tense moment before you left for work and I made a snide remark and you walked out the door and that's where we left it for the day. If it was just something in the heat of the moment because you were stressed, like you can probably just get away with saying, Sorry about this morning. I was stressed. I don't like leaving things like that. I love you. That might just be enough. And you can like not excavate the whole thing and have this big serious sit-down discussion about what happened and intention and impact.
[00:17:43]:
And like, not every repair has to be this big in-depth thing. And I think in those situations, like where we can just give each other the benefit of the doubt and have some grace around it rather than holding a grudge or rather than making it into this bigger symbol of all of the things that are wrong in the relationship.
[00:17:59]:
Yeah.
[00:18:00]:
Sometimes we can just let things go and acknowledge it, move on, say I love you, and just let it be that. And certainly I think where they're like little minor things like that can actually just be enough. But sometimes we need more. And sometimes in particular where it feels like the rupture in question was maybe a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship or a bigger challenge, something that has been recurring or some behavioural thing that feels not okay, some kind of boundary breach or something like that.
[00:18:29]:
Yeah.
[00:18:31]:
Having this third piece in your repair around like, what are we going to do to make sure that this doesn't happen again? Or what can I offer to you as some sort of commitment or acknowledgement? And what might you offer to me so that next time things might go differently, so that maybe we can navigate this more lovingly and more skillfully the next time we come up against it? Because it's one thing to acknowledge it, it's one thing to apologise, but sometimes a part of us holds out on fully accepting an apology or fully coming back into connection because we're still maybe having some fear or anxiety that it's just gonna happen again. And particularly if there has been more than one incident, if it has been a bit of a theme, it can be increasingly more difficult for us to accept an apology without some accompanying action or commitment as to like, why isn't this just gonna keep happening? Because without some behaviour change going forward, there's every chance that it will. So that's where we need to be able to open up a conversation. And again, I would advise that you try and frame that as, how can we do things differently rather than, what are you going to do? And again, context is everything here. If one person has very clearly done something inappropriate or breached a boundary or whatever, then it might be that that conversation is more revolving around what they are going to do differently or what commitments they are going to make. But as a general rule of thumb, the more collaborative you can be in any of these conversations, the more success you're likely to have because you don't want it to feel oppositional when you're in those moments of repair. So following that apology up with like, okay, well, what might we need to do here? What is this telling us or revealing to us about some cracks in our relationship or some things that we've maybe not been paying attention to? Or, you know, things that maybe need a bit more of our energy. Again, if the conflict has revealed some sort of like grievance or resentment or unmet need.
[00:20:31]:
Maybe you had a conflict because you were really stressed and you might say, I'm realising how burnt out I am and maybe how disconnected I've been feeling from you. Can we organise some time just for us over the next few weeks? Maybe we could have a weekly date night or whatever, right? Like there might be some action out of it that addresses the underlying cause of the conflict that happened, the rupture. Because so often those ruptures are like triggered by The little nothing thing that happened, and it is about some deeper unmet need of feeling disconnected, feeling like you're not a priority, missing your partner, feeling like there hasn't been as much warmth or affection, whatever. So being able to recognise that and connect those dots and then go, okay, well, how can we nurture this underlying thing? How can we tend to that so that we're not at breaking point, we're not as reactive, we're not like at the end of our tether, and we don't end up snapping at each other and hurting each other in these ways? Because so often the conflict is a symptom of something.
[00:21:27]:
Yeah.
[00:21:31]:
So when that is the case, being able to identify the something deeper, and again, so essential that you frame whatever that is, if it's something that you've been needing and not getting, not framing it in an accusatory, blaming way of, you never pay attention to me, or, all you care about is work, and like, that's just not gonna land well. Again, keep coming back to the spirit of connection and love and giving each other the benefit of the doubt and finding a joint path forward. So expressing that vulnerably rather than in an attacking way.
[00:21:59]:
Yeah.
[00:22:01]:
So like, I'm realising how much I've been missing you because you've been really busy with work. I think it would really help if we could carve out some quality time together. How does that sound to you? Or do you have any ideas around that?
[00:22:14]:
Right?
[00:22:15]:
Joint plan, vulnerable expression of needs rather than accusation and blame, and figuring out what might help to soothe those underlying triggers rather than just apologising for the incident as if it were isolated and saying like, I'm sorry about specifically what happened this morning. If you find yourself struggling to really accept those apologies or you don't feel like it's really been sufficient to make you feel better, sometimes it is because there's some deeper thing that needs to be expressed and tended to. So if there's some of that there, and this is where self-awareness and really mature self-advocacy can be really helpful. So bringing all of those skills in as well in these conversations is very, very valuable. Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of some key components of repair, how you might approach that in your relationships, whether romantic or otherwise. Again, this is very much a universal human relating skill rather than just a romantic one. I hope you found that helpful and the broader series around conflict and communication helpful.
[00:23:18]:
And I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
repair, relationships, conflict, attachment styles, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, communication, rupture, reconnection, romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, parent-child relationships, emotional labour, apology, ownership, acknowledgement, vulnerability, defensiveness, intention vs impact, validation, attunement, boundaries, betrayal, couples therapy, accountability, action plan, behavioural change, unmet needs, resentment