#280: Why You Feel Jealous About Your Partner's Past (& How to Navigate It)
In today's episode, we're talking about retroactive jealousy — being an excessive preoccupation with a partner's romantic and/or sexual history, and feelings of intense insecurity and comparison as a result. This is a really common experience (one I used to struggle with myself!), particularly among those with anxious attachment patterns who already experience a hypervigilance to perceived relational threats coupled with low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment.
We'll talk about how retroactive jealousy is often a branch off the "unworthiness" tree, and why starting there — with tending to our low self-worth — is often the fix.
Retroactive jealousy describes jealousy about the past—and, in relationships, particularly jealousy about a partner’s past.
It’s something that many people struggle with, especially those with anxious attachment patterns. When you already have a baseline sensitivity to potential threats to your relationship, that can naturally manifest as jealousy and a tendency to perceive threats everywhere you look—including in your partner’s history.
What makes retroactive jealousy particularly complicated is that, on some level, you know the past is the past.
Whatever happened occurred before you knew your partner, when they had no loyalty or obligation to you. So you can find yourself caught between comparison and insecurity on the one hand, and an awareness that you can’t reasonably have a problem with what happened on the other.
That combination can create a lot of shame and self-doubt, while doing very little to stop the preoccupation itself.
You might feel compelled to gather information about your partner’s past, compare yourself to people they’ve previously been with, or feel as though threats to your relationship are everywhere.
So why does retroactive jealousy feel so all-consuming for some people? And what should you actually focus on if you want to loosen its grip?
When Jealousy Is Responding to a Genuine Threat
Before talking about chronic or retroactive jealousy, it’s important to distinguish it from jealousy that arises in response to actual problems within a relationship.
If there have been known breaches of trust, secrecy, dishonesty, inappropriate behaviour, or blurred boundaries, jealousy can be a very natural—and even healthy—emotional response.
The same applies if the issue relates to an ex. If your partner still has a close relationship with an ex and aspects of that relationship feel uncomfortable to you, that may be more accurately understood as a trust and boundaries problem than a retroactive jealousy problem that resides with you.
You don’t need to ignore inappropriate behaviour or boundary breaches and simply focus on yourself.
The kind of jealousy we’re talking about here is different. It’s the chronic, background jealousy that may have followed you across different relationships, where you sense that your feelings have more to do with your own insecurity than anything your partner is doing or not doing.
The Constant Monitoring, Surveillance and Comparison
Chronic jealousy can create a persistent sense of monitoring and surveillance.
Whether it’s your partner’s colleagues, their exes, or other people you encounter, you might find yourself sizing people up. You watch how your partner behaves around them and how they behave around your partner. You compare yourself to them.
It can feel as though you’re examining everyone around you through the lens of threat detection and assessment.
Often, this comes back to our own patterns and insecurities.
We might carry fears that our partner will leave us the moment they have an opportunity. We might believe that we are less than, inadequate, unlovable, not enough, or too much.
When we struggle to see our own value, comparison comes very naturally—and those comparisons tend not to look very favourable for us.
We put everyone else on a pedestal. We can’t understand why our partner has chosen us. We struggle to take in their love, and we struggle to trust them and other people.
Fear of abandonment and a sense of unworthiness can collide to create the very combustible combination that is jealousy.
Why an Ex Can Feel Like a Particularly Powerful Threat
In the context of retroactive jealousy, a partner’s ex can feel especially threatening.
This isn’t a hypothetical person your partner might find attractive. It’s someone you know your partner has found attractive. Someone they may have loved, been intimate with and wanted to be with.
If it was a long-term relationship, that can make the perceived threat feel even greater.
Your threat detector can see that person as particularly dangerous even when there’s no ongoing relationship and nothing untoward happening.
There can be a sense of:
This person is a verified competitor to me because I know my partner loved them.
The idea that your partner could love someone else, be attracted to someone else or want to be intimate with someone else can feel incredibly uncomfortable. And if you already struggle with comparison, it makes sense that this person becomes someone you compare yourself to.
When Your Partner Has Had More Experience Than You
Another factor that can contribute to retroactive jealousy is an asymmetry in your respective relationship histories.
If your partner has been with many more people than you have, for example, that difference can feel threatening when you’re already starting from a place of self-doubt, insecurity and low self-worth.
You might fear that your partner will want to continue having casual relationships, or that they won’t fully choose you because they’ll want to keep their options open.
Those fears can exist even when there is nothing happening within your current relationship to suggest they’re true.
The fear is coming from that scared, insecure voice within you, and your partner’s past becomes another potential threat to the relationship.
Retroactive Jealousy Is an Inside Job
If this is something you struggle with, it makes sense that it feels so powerful because it touches into many of our deeper insecurities and fears.
But that’s also why we need to look at it through that lens.
Retroactive jealousy isn’t something we can necessarily solve in isolation.
You might ask:
How do I stop being jealous about my partner’s past?
But treating jealousy as a siloed issue, separate from everything else you might struggle with in relationships, isn’t realistic.
Jealousy is a branch off the tree.
It’s an extension of deeper wounds and fears: that you’re not good enough, that your partner doesn’t really love you, that they aren’t really choosing you, or that they aren’t fully committed to you.
Again, if there are things happening within your relationship that reinforce those fears—uncertainty about the relationship, for example, or an absence of healthy and open conversations about the future—then those things matter too.
But for people who struggle with chronic jealousy, an important question to ask is:
What is my work here?
And for many people, that work is building self-worth.
Why Building Self-Worth Matters
Building self-worth isn’t going to solve every relational problem.
What it can do is give you greater clarity about whether those problems are mainly residing with you or whether there are issues within the relationship that genuinely need your attention.
It can also significantly increase your capacity to navigate relational problems.
When you’re coming from a very jealous, insecure or paranoid place, that energy inevitably enters the way you approach difficulties in your relationship.
It might sound like:
Why won’t you choose me?
Why do you find that person attractive?
You still love them, don’t you?
There can be a desperate, clinging quality to these interactions. And then, afterwards, you might feel enormous shame because you can see yourself self-destructing in real time while feeling powerless to stop it.
That’s why it can be helpful to stop viewing this purely as a jealousy problem and start viewing it as a self-worth problem.
Not as another reason to criticise yourself, but as an invitation to become someone you’re proud of being, someone you’re comfortable being and someone you like.
Because from that place, it becomes much easier to genuinely believe that your partner sees your value and loves you.
When you don’t like or respect yourself, it can be very difficult to believe that anyone else genuinely sees you differently.
What Changes When You Feel Secure in Your Own Value
When you can anchor into the felt sense that yes, I am a valuable person, you no longer need to constantly question why someone would love you.
You’re no longer operating from such a strong place of self-devaluation.
And from there, the perceived threats to your relationship can naturally start to soften.
You’re not on such high alert.
The fear that your partner will leave you doesn’t feel quite so overpowering. Abandonment and rejection don’t carry the same sense that they would confirm all of your worst fears about yourself—that you aren’t good enough, lovable enough or otherwise enough.
That noise might not disappear entirely, but it can fade into the background.
In its place can be a greater sense of comfort within yourself, allowing you to navigate these experiences in a more level-headed way rather than being blinded by fear.
Your partner’s past can simply become part of the journey they were on before your relationship.
It doesn’t have to have anything to do with you.
Tend to the Underlying Wound
The solution to retroactive jealousy, then, isn’t necessarily a direct strategy for fixing jealousy in isolation.
Instead, we can ask:
How do I tend to the underlying wound that is expressing itself through jealousy and retroactive jealousy?
And importantly, that does not mean shaming yourself for feeling jealous.
Shaming yourself for jealousy—or for any expression of fear—isn’t helpful. If you’re already feeling low, vulnerable and insecure, beating yourself up is only going to entrench those patterns of fear and reactivity.
Saying that this is an inside job does not mean saying:
I am the problem and I need to fix myself.
Instead, it means recognising:
This is reflecting back to me some parts of myself that need my care, attention, compassion and support.
The mentality that you are the problem and need to be fixed only creates more insecurity and adds to the burden of shame that drives these patterns in the first place.
So if retroactive jealousy is something you struggle with, don’t feel badly about yourself for it.
Instead, see it as a trailhead.
It can point you towards the parts of yourself that need your attention—and tending to those parts with care and compassion can be a beautiful gift to give yourself.
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[00:01:26]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about navigating jealousy in relationships and in particular retroactive jealousy, which is a term describing jealousy about the past and generally jealousy about a partner's past. And this is something that a lot of people struggle with, particularly people with anxious attachment patterns who we know, and as we'll talk about today, tend to experience a baseline sensitivity to any threats to the relationship. And that can really naturally manifest in experiencing a lot of jealousy and perceiving those threats everywhere you look, including in a partner's history. But all of that is, of course, made more complicated by the fact that the past is the past. There's nothing we can do about it. And so oftentimes we're grappling with this simultaneous comparison and insecurity about something that happened before we knew our partner, but Equally, we have an awareness that we can't reasonably have a problem with that because it was before our partner had any loyalty or obligation to us. And so there is this sort of irrational fear coupled with an awareness that we're maybe being unreasonable.
[00:02:40]:
And so that can lead us to experience a lot of shame and self-doubt while still being preoccupied with whatever the object of our retroactive jealousy is. So in today's episode, we're going to unpack some of those pieces, why you might really struggle with this, what might be sitting underneath it and what you might look to focus on within yourself and within your relationship so that jealousy and retroactive jealousy doesn't have such a chokehold on you, because I know it can feel really overwhelming and can really undermine your sense of security within the relationship to be in that mode of constant comparison and feeling like you have to gather all of this information about your partner's past and that there are threats everywhere, including in their previous relationships or their previous encounters. So That's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we get into today's episode, a quick reminder perhaps if you are newer to the podcast or to my work that I have a whole host of free resources on my website, including free trainings on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. I have a free breakup training. So if you're going through a breakup or you've been through a breakup recently and you're struggling to let go and process, I have free downloads. I have a free quiz, all sorts of things. If you wanna dig in a little deeper to this work, that is a great place to start, obviously.
[00:04:00]:
In addition to the almost 300 podcast episodes over the past 4 and a half years. So feel free to cheque that out. It's all linked in the show notes, or you can just head to stephanierigg.com. Okay, so let's talk about retroactive jealousy, why it's there, why it can feel so all-consuming for some of us, and what you should focus on if you want to shift away from feeling so overrun with this jealousy about a partner's past. Now, I always want to offer the disclaimer in any conversation about jealousy, whether it's retroactive or your present-day jealousy, that if there are actual known breaches of trust, instances of secrecy, or other inappropriate things going on in the relationship, then I think we have to put that in its own category of jealousy in the sense that jealousy is a really natural and even healthy emotional response to the existence of genuine threats to the relationship or things being kept from you or your partner not being honest or forthcoming about other people who might be on the scene and any blurred boundaries around that. So if that's the situation that you are finding yourself in, maybe even with respect to a partner's ex, if they've still got quite a close relationship and that feels uncomfortable, that's not really what I'm talking about today. I think that's more of a trust and a boundaries problem than it is a retroactive jealousy problem that resides with you. And so what I'm gonna be talking about today is more the chronic background, constant jealousy that you've experienced probably across different relationships that feels like it's just a near constant companion and that you sense is maybe more to do with your own insecurity than it is anything that your partner is doing or not doing.
[00:05:48]:
So it's not to discount that kind of jealousy. It's just to put that in a separate category because I will invariably get people who say, but what if my partner's doing all of these things? And I would never want to suggest that you just have to, you know, focus on your own stuff and ignore if there are actual boundary breaches or other inappropriate behaviours going on that need to be addressed. So just offering that caveat or that disclaimer at the top of the episode so that we're all on the same page about what we're actually talking about. So with that being said, what we're actually talking about is, as I said, that kind of chronic background jealousy, that sense of monitoring and surveillance and comparison, just lurking beneath the surface for you. And anyone who you interact with, who your partner interacts with, whether it's their colleagues, whether it's their exes, you feel this sense of sizing people up and watching how your partner is around them and how they are around your partner and comparing that to yourself and almost examining everyone in the field through this lens of threat detection and assessment. And that is oftentimes a function of our own patterns, our own insecurities that tell us that our partner will leave us at a moment's notice if they have an opportunity, and that tell us that we are less than, that we are inadequate, that we are unlovable, that we are not enough, or we are too much. And when we really struggle to see our own value, then naturally we are prone to comparison. And those comparisons tend to look really unfavourable for us.
[00:07:23]:
And we put everyone else on a pedestal and then we can't understand why our partner's chosen us. We can't really take in their love and we struggle to trust them, and we certainly struggle to trust others. So the combination of those factors, that fear of abandonment, that sense of unworthiness, those pieces can collide and create this very combustible combination that is jealousy. And a lot of people with anxious attachment patterns will experience fairly crippling jealousy. I certainly used to when I was in my early 20s. In previous relationships, I used to struggle with this a lot. Everything that I've just described, a feeling like everyone was a potential threat, that I couldn't really understand why my partner would choose me if they were given the choice and could choose someone else. And so I was very wary of anyone that either of us came into contact with.
[00:08:11]:
And there was this sense that I really had to keep an eye on those things, even in the absence of my partner doing anything wrong or untrustworthy. That fear really lived within me and it was very hard to shake. And in the context of retroactive jealousy, I would obsessively compare myself to my partner's exes. I would find out everything I could about these people that my partner had loved and been intimate with because that felt like not even a hypothetical threat. It's not like taking a second look at the person making your coffee and trying to figure out if your partner finds them attractive. This is a person who you know that your partner has found attractive, has loved, has wanted to be with, and particularly if that's been for an extended period of time, if they were in a long-term relationship, it makes sense that your threat detector sees that person as particularly dangerous, even if there's no ongoing relationship, even if there's nothing untoward. There can be this sense that that person is a verified competitor to me because I know that my partner loved them. And that can feel really uncomfortable.
[00:09:19]:
The idea that your partner could love anyone else, could be attracted to anyone else, could want to be intimate with anyone else. Naturally, that person emerges as someone that you are going to compare yourself to if you struggle with this in this way. I think there can be some other extenuating factors as well, which were present for me in that pretty much all, bar one, of my long-term partners had been with many more people than I had. And so there was this asymmetry in experience and how many partners they'd had. And that felt, again, threatening to me because when I was starting from this place of self-doubt and insecurity and low self-worth, there was this fear that they were going to want to continue to have casual relationships Or that they weren't going to want to fully choose me because they would want to keep their options open. Again, there was nothing in the relationship to suggest that that was true at all, that that was my insecurity and that scared voice within me that felt threatened by the fact that they'd had those casual encounters in the past and, you know, feared that they would want to have them again. And that just sat there as another potential threat to my relationship with these people. So I offer all of that in part to validate that I get it if this is something you struggle with, and I know that a lot of people do because I receive questions about it all the time, that it makes sense because it does really touch into, and as I said, like create a bit of a cocktail of a lot of our deeper insecurities and fears.
[00:10:50]:
But I think that's part of why we've got to look at it through that lens and realise that this is an inside job. And it's not something that we can solve in isolation because people will always ask, how do I solve Or how do I stop being jealous about my partner's past? And treating it as a siloed issue that exists separate from all of the other bits and pieces that you might be struggling with in your relationship, that's just not realistic because it is a branch off the tree. It is an extension of those other deeper wounds and fears that you carry that you are not good enough, that your partner doesn't really love you, isn't really choosing you, that they're not really committed to you. And again, going back to that caveat, if there are other pieces within the relationship that would reinforce that storey. If there is uncertainty, if there aren't healthy, open conversations about the future and all of those things that might contribute to a sense of fear about whether you're being fully chosen, that all makes sense. But I think we do have to look at the big picture and go like, what is my work here? And for a lot of people who struggle with this chronically, your work is building self-worth. And that is why, like, I feel a bit like a broken record, but so much of what I teach comes back to that as the starting point, because it's the thing that makes everything else feel easier, feel more secure, and feel clearer. So it's not like building self-worth will solve all of your relational problems, but it will give you a sense of clarity about whether those problems were mainly residing with you or whether there were problems within the relationship that need your attention.
[00:12:29]:
But your capacity to solve them relationally is going to be vastly increased once you focus on building self-worth, because if you are coming from this very jealous, insecure, paranoid place, your ability to navigate relational problems is going to be infused with that energy and it's not going to land well because you're going to have this desperate clinging. Why won't you choose me? Why do you find that person attractive? You still love them, don't you? And people don't respond well to that, of course. And then we feel a lot of shame because we can kind of see ourselves self-destructing in real time, but we feel powerless to stop it. So for all of those reasons, I really encourage you to start viewing this not as a jealousy problem, but as a self-worth problem. And I use the term problem there, but really it's like, oh, this is inviting me to do some work around becoming a person that I'm proud of being, a person I'm comfortable being, a person that I like, so that I can really believe hand on heart that my partner sees my value, that my partner loves me. And that's not something that I have to question because I'm coming from this place of really not liking myself, not respecting myself. And so I can't really believe that anyone else would see me in that way. And so that is so much of our work because until we can anchor into that felt sense of like, yes, I am a valuable person and I don't have to question why someone would love me because I'm not operating from this place of self-devaluation, then all of the threats to the relationship naturally start to soften because we're not on such high alert.
[00:13:59]:
We're not feeling like, oh, my partner's gonna leave me and I'm desperately afraid of abandonment and rejection because that would confirm all my worst fears and I'm not good enough and I'm not lovable and I'm not whatever enough. All of that noise, it might not completely go away, but it stops being so overpowering and it sort of fades to the background. And in its place is this sense of comfort within yourself that allows you to navigate all of this in a more level-headed way rather than being so blinded by fear. And from personal experience, I can share that it's completely a non-issue for me anymore. I don't feel at all jealous about my partner's past relationships. It feels completely irrelevant to Our relationship. It has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with anything.
[00:14:44]:
It's just part of the journey that my partner has been on. And now we're in a relationship and that's fine. That's not something that I could have said 10 years ago. I really struggled very much, as I said. But I do think that the thing that changed was not, I mean, the relationships changed, but it wasn't because of that. It was me that changed and I became much more comfortable in who I am such that I wasn't questioning why my partner would wanna be with me relative to other people that they've been with. And so I really do think that that's the crux of the work. And that's like where the solution lies.
[00:15:19]:
It's not like a direct, how do I fix this problem in isolation? It's how do I tend to the underlying wound that then solves for all of these different expressions or manifestations of that wound, including jealousy and retroactive jealousy? And I should say, I think I alluded to it at various points there, but shaming yourself for being jealous is Absolutely not helpful. And shaming yourself for any expression of your fear is not helpful and will only make it worse because you're essentially beating yourself up when you're already feeling very low and very vulnerable and very insecure. And that's only going to entrench you in those patterns of fear and reactivity. So just to be very clear, when I say like, this is an inside job, that's not saying you are a problem or you need to fix yourself. It's just realising like, oh, this is reflecting back to me some pieces within me that need my care and attention, that need compassion. that need my support rather than I'm the problem and I need to fix myself because that mentality only keeps us stuck. It only makes us feel worse, more insecure. It only adds to the burden of shame that drives all these patterns in the first place.
[00:16:23]:
So don't feel badly about yourself if this is something that you struggle with. Just see it as a trailhead pointing you to what needs your attention. And that's a really beautiful gift that you can give to yourself. Okay. Sending you lots of love. I hope this has been helpful. If you're listening on Spotify, feel free to leave a comment. Follow the show on YouTube.
[00:16:44]:
Do subscribe to my channel. That's super helpful. Anywhere else, do whatever you can. Thank you as always for being here and for your support, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
navigating jealousy, relationships, retroactive jealousy, anxious attachment, insecurity, relationship threats, partner’s past, comparison, self-worth, abandonment fears, trust issues, boundaries, emotional response, breakup recovery, shame in relationships
#279: When an Old Love Resurfaces and Starts Pulling Away (Ask Steph)
This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and their reunion felt like everything she'd hoped for... until he suddenly started pulling back without explanation.
There are few things more disorienting than feeling someone you love begin to pull away.
Maybe the relationship had been going beautifully. You felt connected, hopeful, and secure in where things were heading. And then something shifted.
They became less available. Less communicative. Less emotionally present.
You can feel the distance, but you don't necessarily understand where it came from. And if you have anxious attachment patterns, that shift can activate a very familiar response:
They pull away, and you instinctively want to move closer.
You might reach out more, offer more support, ask more questions, or become increasingly focused on figuring out what changed and how you can get things back to where they were.
That response makes sense. But it can also lead us into a painful pattern where, in trying desperately not to lose someone else, we start losing ourselves.
Why Someone Might Pull Away During a Difficult Time
When someone we care about is going through something hard, our instinct might be to move towards them. We want to support them, care for them, and remind them that they don't have to navigate whatever they're facing alone.
But not everyone responds to vulnerability that way.
For people with more avoidant attachment patterns, difficult circumstances can actually intensify their instinct to withdraw.
Rather than leaning on the people closest to them, they may retreat inward. They might feel more comfortable dealing with things alone, struggle with feeling like a burden, or feel safer when they aren't relying too heavily on another person.
Being cared for can itself feel incredibly vulnerable when you're not accustomed to receiving support.
So someone's withdrawal isn't necessarily proof that they don't care about you or that the relationship wasn't meaningful.
There can be a lot happening beneath the surface.
And while understanding that can help us respond with compassion, compassion for another person shouldn't require abandoning ourselves.
The Anxious Instinct to Chase Connection
When someone pulls away, the anxiously attached part of us often believes there is one urgent task:
Get them to come back.
If they become distant, we move closer.
If they communicate less, we communicate more.
If they seem uncertain, we try harder to prove that the relationship is worth choosing.
Underneath all of this is often the belief:
I'm only okay if they're close.
So instead of asking ourselves what we need, we become consumed with figuring out what they need from us in order to stay.
Should I give them more space?
Should I check in?
Should I be more understanding?
Should I avoid bringing up how I feel because they're already dealing with enough?
These questions can sound caring, but when they're driven by fear, they can quickly become strategies for managing another person's behaviour.
And ultimately, we cannot control whether another person stays or goes.
Trying to create our own safety by controlling someone else's closeness leaves us incredibly vulnerable.
You Can Have Compassion and Still Have Needs
Perhaps the person pulling away has a very understandable reason for doing so.
They might be grieving, overwhelmed, frightened, unwell, or navigating something you can't fully understand.
You can have enormous compassion for that.
And you still exist in the relationship.
Your feelings, needs, boundaries, and wellbeing don't disappear simply because the other person is going through something difficult.
If a relationship starts existing entirely on one person's terms — where they can come close and pull away without communication while the other person waits patiently for whatever connection is available — it creates fertile ground for anxiety and insecurity.
This is where many of us slip into being endlessly accommodating.
Don't worry about me.
I don't want to put pressure on you.
I'll take whatever you can give me.
I'm just here if you need me.
There is nothing wrong with being loving, generous, flexible, or supportive.
But there needs to be a you in there too.
Before You Talk to Them, Talk to Yourself
When someone is pulling away, we often immediately focus on the conversation we need to have with them.
But there's another conversation that needs to happen first.
The one with yourself.
Ask yourself:
What version of this relationship am I actually available for?
Not: What will they agree to?
Not: What can I tolerate so they don't leave?
Not: How little can I ask for without scaring them away?
What do you genuinely want to create?
What kind of communication do you need?
What level of consistency feels healthy for you?
What does commitment mean to you?
And perhaps most importantly:
What is the current dynamic costing me?
If you're constantly anxious, waiting, worrying, analysing, or feeling shut out, that matters.
When we're terrified of losing someone, our standards for what we're willing to accept can quietly start slipping.
The alternative — losing the relationship altogether — feels so painful that we convince ourselves having some version of the relationship is better than having none.
But holding onto someone at the expense of your own wellbeing isn't the same thing as creating a secure relationship.
Have the Brave Conversation
Once you're clear on what you need, there may be a conversation to have.
Not an ultimatum.
Not an attempt to force someone into giving you reassurance.
And not a carefully calculated strategy designed to make them stop pulling away.
Instead, it's an honest conversation about what you're creating together.
What is this relationship?
What are we committing to?
What does staying connected look like when one of us is going through something difficult?
What do we each need?
What isn't going to work?
You can honour what someone else is experiencing while also standing firmly in what is and isn't sustainable for you.
That is very different from trying to control their response.
Because the hardest part isn't always having the conversation.
It's trusting what happens afterwards.
When Self-Respect Means Accepting an Answer You Didn't Want
Sometimes we gather the courage to say what we need — only to discover that the other person can't or won't meet us there.
And that's often the moment when fear takes over.
We backpedal.
Forget what I said.
It's fine.
We can keep doing things your way.
Because suddenly the possibility of losing them feels much worse than continuing in a dynamic we already know is hurting us.
This is where we can find ourselves on the cliff edge of self-abandonment.
Self-respect asks us to resist the urge to negotiate away our own needs simply because we're afraid of the alternative.
That doesn't mean relationships need to be perfect. It doesn't mean walking away the moment someone struggles.
It means recognising when holding onto another person is requiring you to repeatedly let go of yourself.
Sometimes the Present Reactivates the Past
There can also be another layer to these situations.
Sometimes the person pulling away isn't just this person in this moment.
The experience touches something older.
Maybe you've spent much of your life fearing abandonment. Maybe you've repeatedly found yourself wondering why someone wouldn't fully choose you. Maybe this relationship represents a chance to finally receive the love or commitment you once longed for.
When that happens, the stakes can feel enormous.
A part of you isn't simply hoping this relationship works.
It's hoping the story finally ends differently.
That longing deserves tenderness.
But it also makes staying anchored in yourself even more important.
You Don't Have to Choose Between Love and Yourself
You can be a champion for the love story.
You can hope deeply that the relationship works.
You can have compassion for someone's fear, pain, overwhelm, or instinct to withdraw.
And you can remain devoted to yourself at the same time.
Those things are not mutually exclusive.
Our job isn't to guarantee that nobody ever leaves us.
It's to build enough self-trust that when relationships become uncertain, we don't immediately leave ourselves in an attempt to make someone else stay.
Sometimes that means having a brave conversation.
Sometimes it means giving someone space.
Sometimes it means recognising that what another person is able to offer isn't enough for you.
Whatever the outcome, the invitation is the same:
Love them if you choose to. Support them where you can. Hope for the relationship. But make sure there is still a you in there too.
Because the goal isn't simply to avoid being abandoned.
It's to know that, whatever happens, you won't abandon yourself.
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[00:01:30]:
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are trying something a little different. It is an Ask Steph episode, as we've done before, but I'm trialling something where I've invited listeners to submit a voice note. So to ask a question in their own words, and I'm going to share the voice note here on the podcast so that you can hear their storey with a little bit more context than when I usually just read out a one-line question. And we're going to be kicking off with that new format today as a bit of a trial. So I'm going to be sharing shortly a question that was submitted to me when I put the call out on Instagram. And I'm also going to put the link in the episode description for anyone who's interested in submitting a question for a future episode that might be then selected to form part of an episode of the podcast. And of course, totally up to you what you share, and I will not include any identifying information beyond what you've included in your voice note.
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So if you're concerned about privacy, then rest assured that you are in control of what you share and what gets shared. Okay, so with all of that being said, I'm going to hit play on this voice note that was submitted.
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Hi Steph, I'm 77 years old. 45 years ago, I was in love. with a man for 4 years. He wasn't ready to commit and I moved on. I had a 40-year marriage. My husband passed away 3 years ago. Last fall, this man contacted me and we've been together ever since. It has been fantastic.
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Everything's been great. He was always the one that got away from me. Anyway, all of a sudden he's backing off. I don't know if you call it a fearful avoidant or not, but it was very sudden. And then slowly, he's not 100% there. He still calls me. We still talk. He's just been diagnosed with cancer, so I've been trying to be there for him.
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But I don't know how to feel about all this. It's just, it's a lifetime of knowing this guy and, um, you know, I'm just not sure. Any input?
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Okay.
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So thank you for submitting the question. And, you know, it's interesting, obviously the specifics of your situation are Yeah. But the broad contours are actually quite common, something that I encounter in answering people's questions and supporting students in my programmes. This situation of being in a marriage or a long-term relationship, and that ends whether because you separate or because a partner passes away, and then having this intense first relationship after that long-term relationship, and that feeling like it really bowls you over. And feeling like, you know, that's the one that's really activated a lot of your patterns, or that's feeling really hard to let go of, or that you're feeling very preoccupied with and consumed by. And I think it pulls on a few threads. There's the nostalgia and the longing of this being a person from 40 years ago, 45 years ago, that you once loved and that you had hope around and that you had to let go of once before, and that you've always had in your mind as the one who got away. For him to reenter the scene all these years later, once your husband had passed away and you were presumably grappling with, you know, the reality of life without him after 40 years of marriage.
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And so to have this person burst back into your life like a flame and for you to be together, I can imagine that that would feel wonderful. And that It might feel really revitalising and that it's maybe brought an unexpected spark back to your life. You know, the joy and excitement of early connection with someone and particularly with all of that background and history. So it makes so much sense that that's been really amazing and that it's feeling so hard and so confusing and disorienting to have him pulling away and feel like he's slipping through your fingers and you don't really know what to do about it. And, you know, this is the part, I think that many people listening who can't relate to the specifics will at least be able to relate to that sense of feeling really excited about a new connection, feeling really invested, feeling maybe like it's everything you ever wanted, but then to feel the shift happen and feel that turn and feel like something's changing and I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. And of course, for Most of us with anxious attachment patterns, the instinct when that shift happens is to follow. You know, if they pull back, our instinct is to lean in further, to give more, to ask more questions, to try and pull them back towards us, or, you know, chase after them so that we don't lose them. But if, as you've suggested, he has fearful avoidant patterns or some other intimacy block, and you mentioned that he's been recently diagnosed with cancer.
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I mean, that's a very vulnerable time for him as well as for you, of course, loving him, to know that he's unwell and in need of care, but feeling like you can't provide that. You know, that's very layered and there's a lot there. But I think it's important to understand that for many people, and particularly people with more avoidant patterns, when hard things happen, their instinct is not to lean on those closest. It's actually to pull away. pull back a lot of the time. And without knowing anything about what his life has looked like over the past 40 years while you were married, you know, maybe he's not been accustomed to relying on others. Maybe that's still an edge for him and his muscle memory tells him to pull back and that he's got to go it alone. He doesn't want to burden others, that it's better to not become too invested because it raises the stakes and maybe he feels more in control when it's just him.
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And he can look after himself. Because I think that the reality is being cared for by someone is a vulnerable experience if it's not something that you're used to. Even at the same time as so many of us, I think, deeply long for that care and support, receiving it is a whole nother thing. So just to say that there's lots of pieces there, and it makes sense that it feels hard in all of the ways that it does, and that You would be feeling particularly vulnerable and maybe overwhelmed, feeling like there's this delicate balancing act where you finally got this precious thing that you've longed for, for most of your life, even if kind of relegated to the background of your memory, and to finally now have it and feel like it's slipping away, whether because he's sick or because he's emotionally disconnecting somewhat. It makes sense that your system would be really ramping up in response to all of that. Now, of course, that's all well and good, but what do you do about it? I think there's a few pieces and, you know, whenever I'm giving people advice in these sorts of situations where someone's pulling away, I'm always reluctant to give advice that falls into the category of strategizing with you to make them not pull away. Because I actually think that part of us that wants to strategize, that wants to bring them back, that wants to stop them from leaving, that's part of our insecurity that we actually ultimately want to be shifting away from rather than continuing to rely on as the way that we create safety for ourselves. Because for most of us, that's what we know and that's what we do.
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But it keeps us locked in this mindset and this pattern of, I'm only okay if they're close. And so if they pull away, my only job and the only thing that I can really do to create safety for myself, to make it all be okay again, is to get them to come back. And of course, that that sets up a real imbalance in so many ways and makes us feel incredibly vulnerable because ultimately we can't control whether they stay or go. So I think there's 2 pieces. Relationally, I think you've got to have a conversation and be really clear around, you know, what are we doing here? What is this connection that we are exploring with each other? What is it going to look like? What are our commitments to each other? What are the ground rules, so to speak? What are the parameters? Because for it to exist on his terms where he sort of comes and goes and, you know, sometimes is there and then sometimes pulls way back without really communicating, that's just such a recipe for anxiety for you. Even if there's really good reason within him in that he's carrying a lot and he's overwhelmed and he's afraid, you know, you still exist in that equation. And just letting him do as he pleases, you know, because you don't want to push him away or you don't want to put pressure on him, again, that just sets up an imbalance that, you know, you probably don't want to be setting up for yourself. So you can absolutely have compassion for him.
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You can have a conversation that really honours how big this is likely to be for him, while also standing firm in what's going to work for you and what isn't going to work for you. And I think in order to have that conversation, you need to have a conversation with yourself first and foremost, where you figure out what the answer to that question is. Because again, for so many of us, when we want something, when we want someone, and we're just so desperate to hold on, we can really slip in what we tolerate And the version of that that we accept because we're scared. We're scared of the alternative being nothing, being losing them. But I think that really one of the most self-respecting, self-honoring things that you can do is get really clear for yourself, what version of this am I available for? And what is it costing me to be in the current mode where it's, you know, halfway in, halfway out, cloaked in uncertainty and leaving me feeling really anxious and worried and shut out? Obviously, that's not sustainable, and it's going to continue to cause you pain and distress. And I think you have to be an advocate for yourself as much as you're an advocate for him, rather than just stepping into that role of accommodation and caretaking and flexibility and low maintenance and, don't worry about me, I'll just take whatever I can get, and let me take care of you. I think, you know, it's beautiful to wanna be there for him through all of the seasons, but you need to make sure there's a you in there.
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Yeah.
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there as well. So I think there's a conversation to be had with yourself around what version of this am I really longing for, and what am I wanting to create here? And then being brave enough to have that conversation in a firm but loving way, and trusting that whatever flows from that is the right outcome. And I think that's the really hard part, because we can pluck up the courage to have the conversation, but if it doesn't go the way we're hoping, if they don't respond in a way that kind of meets us in our desires, then we can quickly backpedal and say, well, then Don't worry, forget what I said. We'll just continue on, on your terms. Again, because the alternative feels so painful and scary. But that is really where we can find ourselves on the cliff edge of self-abandonment. And we really have to be brave enough to not carry on if we know that it's going to cost us dearly in terms of our own wellbeing, just to hold on to someone else. So I'm sending you lots of love.
[00:13:16]:
I can only imagine that this situation is bringing up all sorts of probably really old fears and wounds around abandonment and unworthiness and, you know, why, why won't he fully choose me? The fact that you'd been together all those years ago and then he couldn't commit and you had to let go, feeling like there's a reenactment of that pain all these years later. And of course, there's a big part of you that wants it to end differently. But I think that you just have to really be courageous in leading from self-respect and self-devotion. At the same time as you're really a champion for the love storey. And I sincerely hope that your love storey with this person can continue because what an amazing storey. But I think it's really important that you make sure you are cared for and respected in amongst that. And that is, you know, always our job first and foremost, to make sure that we're cared for and respected by declining to participate in dynamics where we are not. So Thank you so much for submitting the question.
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I'm sending you lots of love. And for anyone else listening, I hope that this has been helpful for you. It's, as I said, a bit of a different format. It's not gonna be every week that I'll do this, but I will weave them in subject to your feedback, whether you found this more coaching and advice style of episode helpful. So do feel free to comment and let me know if you've enjoyed it. And of course, if you would like to submit your own question, the link to that is in the episode description. And I suppose I should mention as well, this gives you a good feel of the kind of advice and support that I give to students in my programmes. We have, you know, regular live Q&A calls where we can connect, and we also have a community space where people ask questions and I leave voice notes and, and offer my thoughts and advice on whatever it is that they are struggling with.
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So if that feels like something that you might benefit from, you might consider looking into one of my programmes and the community support that goes along with that. Okay. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. Sending you lots of love, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Ask Steph episode, relationship advice, long-term relationships, marriage after loss, rekindled romance, old love, fear of abandonment, avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant, cancer diagnosis, emotional withdrawal, navigating grief, self-advocacy in relationships, anxious attachment patterns, communication in relationships, intimacy issues, caregiving, vulnerability in relationships, boundaries in relationships, relationship uncertainty, nostalgia in romance, letting go, coping with loss, self-respect, self-honouring choices, compromise in relationships, supportive communities, coaching and advice