How to Stop Obsessing About Someone
In this episode, we’re tackling the challenging topic of obsessive thinking about someone and how to break free from that mental loop that causes suffering.
We’ll explore different approaches, including Byron Katie’s The Work as a top-down method for challenging your thoughts, somatic tools to discharge anxiety from the body as a bottom-up approach, as well as the broader work of addressing the insecurities and wounds that often fuel obsessive thinking.
In this episode, we’re tackling the challenging topic of obsessive thinking about someone and how to break free from that mental loop that causes suffering.
We’ll explore different approaches, including Byron Katie’s The Work as a top-down method for challenging your thoughts, somatic tools to discharge anxiety from the body as a bottom-up approach, as well as the broader work of addressing the insecurities and wounds that often fuel obsessive thinking.
By addressing your thoughts, calming your body, and working through your deeper emotional wounds, you can find peace and clarity in your relationships.
How to Stop Obsessing About Someone: Breaking the Cycle of Rumination
Obsessing over someone, whether due to romantic interest, rejection, or any other interaction, can be draining and counterproductive. For those with anxious attachment styles or heightened anxiety levels, these obsessive thoughts can feel overwhelming and inescapable. However, learning to manage and diffuse this cycle of rumination can significantly improve emotional well-being and mental clarity.
Recognising the Cycle of Obsession
Understanding the nature of obsessive thinking is the first step towards breaking free from it. Often, these thoughts stem from feelings of anxiety or insecurity, leading us to fixate on people or situations in an attempt to process or resolve those emotions. Whether it’s a minor social interaction or a significant relationship dynamic, these thoughts pull our energy and focus, often exacerbating feelings of stress and anxiety.
Questioning the Validity of Your Thoughts
One effective technique to combat obsessive thinking is drawn from Byron Katie's "The Work," which involves four crucial questions:
Is it true?
Can you be absolutely certain that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
By applying these questions to your obsessive thoughts, you can create a mental and emotional distance. Questioning the veracity of your thoughts helps dismantle the power they hold over you, allowing you to see them as transient and not necessarily reflective of reality.
Shifting from Victim to Empowered Observer
Obsessive thoughts can often make us feel like helpless victims of our own minds. Shifting perspective from a powerless participant to an empowered observer of your thoughts can be incredibly liberating. Visualising thoughts as clouds passing by can help to reduce their intensity, and rather than engaging deeply with them, learning to witness them impassively can break the cycle of obsession.
Addressing Underlying Anxiety
Obsessive thoughts are frequently a manifestation of underlying anxiety, which is a bodily experience more than a purely cognitive one. Recognising this connection can be a game-changer. Anxiety often places us in a heightened state of fight or flight, leading to a faster-paced, more intense thought process.
Physical activities like brisk walks, runs, or even simply shaking out your limbs can help discharge this anxious energy from your body. By addressing the physical root of anxiety, you can reduce the mental swirl of obsessive thoughts.
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Healing
At the heart of many obsessive thoughts lies a wound—whether it’s a sense of unworthiness, fear of rejection, or some deep-seated insecurity. Healing these wounds involves a longer, ongoing process of cultivating self-compassion and working towards greater emotional security.
When you feel secure in yourself and possess a robust sense of self-worth, the need to obsessively analyse others' behaviours diminishes. This doesn’t happen overnight but is a gradual shift resulting from consistent inner work and self-reflection.
Integrating Tools and Practices
Combining both cognitive and somatic approaches can offer a holistic way to manage obsessive thinking. Using the questioning technique from Byron Katie along with physical activities to manage anxiety creates a well-rounded strategy. Ensuring that you have these tools readily available provides quick access to self-regulation whenever obsessive thoughts start creeping in.
The Role of Greater Emotional Security
Over time, developing emotional security naturally reduces the tendency to obsess. When we are clear in who we are and compassionate towards ourselves and others, the stories of victim and villain lose their appeal. We begin to see situations with more nuance and less black-and-white thinking.
Emotional security fosters a balanced approach to relationships and interactions. Confidence in oneself makes the ‘need’ to obsess over others less pressing, freeing up mental and emotional space for healthier engagement.
Conclusion
Breaking free from obsessive thinking is a multi-faceted process, involving both cognitive reframing and addressing underlying anxiety. By questioning the validity of your thoughts, tending to your body's signals of stress, and working towards greater emotional security, you can significantly reduce the grip of obsession and rumination on your life. In time, this holistic approach can lead to a more balanced, peaceful, and empowered state of being.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself feeling imprisoned by your own thoughts? Reflect on the ways in which this impacts your daily life and overall well-being.
How do you react when you start to believe thoughts that cause you suffering? Consider how you typically respond emotionally and behaviourally to these thoughts.
Have you tried the 4 questions by Byron Katie from this episode? What insights did you gain from exploring whether your thoughts are true and how you'd feel without them?
When you notice yourself obsessing about a person or situation, what physical sensations do you experience in your body? How might this relate to your anxiety levels?
What are your current go-to strategies for self-soothing when you are feeling anxious? Reflect on which methods have been most effective for you and why.
How does the idea of being the observer of your thoughts, rather than experiencing them as absolute truth, resonate with you? How might this perspective shift affect your relationship with your thoughts?
Reflect on a recent experience where you felt rejected or hurt. How did your pre-existing insecurities play a role in magnifying this feeling?
How might moving your body in times of stress or anxiety help to alleviate obsessive thinking? Consider the types of physical activities you enjoy and how you can incorporate them into your routine.
In what ways do you find yourself making victim stories about situations or people in your life? What do you notice about the patterns these stories follow?
How does compassion for yourself and others influence your tendency to ruminate? Reflect on the role self-compassion plays in interrupting negative thought cycles.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:00]:
In today's episode, we're talking about how to stop the endless cycles of obsessing and ruminating about someone or something. So if you're someone with anxious attachment or any sort of level of anxiety, which I think will capture a significant chunk of my listeners, I think this is gonna be a really helpful episode. I'm gonna be sharing a few reframes and techniques, things that I use regularly that allow me to feel free from the thoughts that's been around in my head. And I think that the more we can release ourselves from this attachment to our thoughts as truth, the more peace we have in our lives, the more control we have over our emotions, and the way that we respond and react to things in our lives, is an incredibly valuable thing to practice and hone our capacity for observing our thoughts, being the witness of our thoughts rather than experiencing them as true and all encompassing. So often I hear from people who more or less feel like their thoughts are in control and they are at the mercy of them. This sense of I can't, I can't do anything about it.
[00:01:15]:
I can't help it feeling like a really helpless victim of their own thoughts, almost like they're imprisoned by their thoughts. And I think that's a very common experience and one that can really create a lot of suffering in our lives. And so today's episode, I'm gonna be sharing a few different ways that you can interrupt those cycles and really step into a more empowered place, one of agency, where you are the observer of your thoughts and you don't have to pay so much attention to them. And it doesn't feel like your thoughts are running the show, which I think is very liberating to reach a place where you can watch your thoughts float by like a cloud in the sky rather than feeling like it's this big, heavy, true thing that you have to obsess on. And particularly, I think when you're obsessing about someone else, again, that can feel quite crazy making, I think. And whether it's someone who you're interested in romantically or someone who rejected you, we can so easily make ourselves the victim. And I think it's very juicy and seductive to make ourselves the victim of a situation. And the stories that spring from that are incredibly tempting and can really draw us in, but inevitably keep us stuck in a mode that is not really conducive to our well-being.
[00:02:39]:
So I'm gonna be talking about that today. Now before I do, I just wanted to share, you may have heard me say last week or seen on Instagram that I am holding a retreat here in Australia, in beautiful Byron Bay, in May 2025, so May next year. We've secured the most incredible venue, we went and visited this place last month, and it is just amazing. It's gonna be 3 days, 3 nights, packed with workshops, lots of connection, like minded people in really the most beautiful setting. So if that appeals to you, early bird registration is now open. You can apply by heading directly to my website, or there will also be a link in the show notes. There are a limited number of early bird spots, a number of which have already been taken, so definitely don't delay if you are wanting to join us. I would apply sooner rather than later.
[00:03:30]:
Second announcement, in a similar vein, very excited to share that I'm also holding a 2 day weekend workshop in Sydney at the end of November, so 30th November, 1st December, so that's just a daytime thing on a Saturday and a Sunday. Again, I'll pop all the details in the show notes. If you'd like to come along for a weekend workshop with me, I would love to see you there as well. For any Sydneysiders or folks who want to come to Sydney, check that out as well. Okay, so let's talk about how to stop obsessing about someone or something. Now, I think it's important to say at the outset that when we are obsessing about someone or something and this is so broad in its application because as I said in the introduction, it could be a person who rejected us, it could be an interaction at the coffee shop and we start obsessing over whether we said something weird and the other person thought we were a freak. It could be the person who cuts us off in traffic. It could be something really big in our relationship.
[00:04:27]:
It could be a family dynamic. It could be something about work. There's just so many different arenas in our life from the very minor to the very major where our thoughts can run wild and tell stories and lead us to swirl around in obsession and rumination in a way that's really unhealthy and draining and counterproductive. And it really does pull our emotion and our energy in the direction of all of those things, anxiety and stress and shame sometimes worry these emotions that take up a lot of space within us and prevent us from feeling well and being able to show up as our most confident authentic selves because we're so knee deep in all of that thinking. I recently saw a quote which I forget who it was from, but it was to the effect of, most every spiritual tradition could be boiled down to the practice of letting go. And I think that that's very true and maybe in our modern Western world, we pay so much attention to our thoughts and we can be very individually focused and it all feels very big and important. Whereas a lot of spiritual traditions, Eastern traditions have recognized the mind as being very unreliable and our thoughts as being just like mindless, endless chatter that will often, if we believe those thoughts, leave us feeling worse off. So I just wanted to sort of frame the conversation there.
[00:06:05]:
And what I wanted to offer you as a first tool is not actually from me, but from Byron Katie, if if you've been in one of my programs in the past couple of months, you might've heard me speak about this. I've been really revisiting Byron Katie's work since re encountering it in another book that I was reading. But she has these 4 questions that she puts to people when they notice that their thoughts are causing them suffering. So again, this is very broad in its application, but, you know, an example might be, my partner is so selfish and he doesn't care about me. Right? I do everything. My partner doesn't pull his weight. He just doesn't care about me at all. If he cared about me, you know, he would do x y zed thing.
[00:06:52]:
So that kind of story that we tell ourselves that again is so seductive and we can really, if we allow it to just run amok inside us, it is so powerful and so persuasive and inevitably alters our emotional state in a negative way. So her 4 questions are, the first one is, is it true? Just simply yes, no, is it true? So this question of my partner doesn't care about me, is it true? Now you might say, yes, it's true. Okay. The second question is, can you be absolutely certain that it's true? And usually even if you've been confident at question 1, that it's true, you might start to falter a little on question 2, because absolute certainty, particularly when it's about someone else's emotional state or something. So often our stories are, no one cares about me or I'm not good enough or no one's ever gonna love me or people can't be trusted. These big sweeping generalizations and judgments that we make. And when we ask this follow-up question of, can you be absolutely certain that it's true? That's a very high threshold. And we start to realize, okay, maybe maybe I can't quite assert total absolute certainty about the truth of this thought.
[00:08:03]:
So going back to the example of my partner doesn't care about me, you might say, okay, I can't be absolutely certain that it's true. Then the third question is how do you react when you believe the thought? So what does it do to me to believe this thought? Who do I become? What does it do to my body? What does it do to my emotional state? So, again, when I believe that my partner doesn't care about me, how do I react when I believe that? Maybe I get really angry and hurt and rejected, and I start protesting or feeling sorry for myself, or becoming resentful and indignant and all of these things really righteous. That's what it does to me to believe this thing. How do I react when I believe that? Maybe I lash out at them, maybe I get really passive aggressive. All of these things that flow from me believing this thought, this judgment that my partner doesn't care about me. And the 4th question, which is so beautiful, is who would I be without the thought? Right? Who would I be without the thought that my partner doesn't care about me? If I were to just sort of take that off, pluck that out from my mind and put it to the side, who would I be? What would be possible for me if I were to let go of that thought and not be carrying it around? And almost invariably for me at least, when I ask those 3rd and 4th questions, the lightness that I feel in my being is almost instantaneous, I feel the shift. How do I react when I believe the thought and who would I be without it? Is a really, really powerful circuit break for me at least. So these four questions from Byron Katie's The Work to me are a really very powerful way to shift out of obsessing and ruminating.
[00:09:43]:
Because that obsession of rumination, it needs a circuit break. It needs something to interrupt it because otherwise it's like a whirlpool that just sucks you deeper and deeper. Because the thought affects how we feel in the body and how we feel in the body reinforces the thought and so on and so forth, and we just keep spiraling. So having these questions that you can reach for and being really familiar with them and just going, wait, I need to check myself here. I need to interrupt this pattern and run myself through this. It just frees up so much space and so much possibility in a way that for me at least is very, very liberating. So that's the first thing that I want to offer you insofar as stopping this cycle of obsession and rumination. The next key piece is recognizing that oftentimes obsession and rumination being stuck in your head overthinking is a function of anxiety and anxiety is a body experience.
[00:10:41]:
Right? So as much as all of those obsessive thoughts appear to arise as our thinking mind, and so we try and solve them from that place. And granted, running through those 4 questions is a top down approach that is using more cognitive entry point to shift our thoughts. Another way to look at it, and you can use these alongside each other, is a more bottom up approach, which is going, oh, if I'm having all of these obsessive thoughts, I am probably in a stress state in my body. I'm probably in my sympathetic nervous system, which is where we are when we're in our fight or flight mode, or we're very mobilized and everything speeds up. And I think that will be a very familiar state for most people with more anxious attachment patterns or fearful avoidant as well. So spending a lot of time in that mode that feels very intense and fast paced. And from that, you can start to go, okay, it is less about the content of the thoughts and more about the fact that I'm in the mode of obsessive thinking that tells me what I need to know, which is I need to do something with my body. Right? So rather than engaging with the content of the thoughts, which is more the approach we took in the first one with Byron Katie's questions, we can just go, look at me.
[00:11:57]:
I'm in this obsessive mode. I've been scrolling my phone thinking about this person or that interaction or this thing that's gonna happen in the future for the last half an hour. I'm clearly feeling anxious. What do I need to offer to my body to shift some of that anxious energy to move and mobilize some of that anxious energy so that I can discharge it? And oftentimes a byproduct of that is that our obsessive thoughts melt away. So if you've ever heard me talk about, you know, in my anxious attachment course, we do a whole module on nervous system regulation and tools and self soothing. And there's a great quote from a woman called Deb Dana, which is that your state creates your story, meaning the state of your nervous system is determinative of the content of your thoughts, the way you perceive the world. And so when you are in a state of anxiety, a felt experience of stress in the body, it bleeds into your thoughts, and really taints your perception of the world around you and your relationships and yourself. So state creates story and then the story reinforces the state.
[00:13:07]:
As I said, we can really spiral there. So rather than trying to change the story first, we can try and change our state and trust that our story will then reflect if we can bring our body into more of a state of regulation. So doing things like moving your body, I think for anxiety in particular, when you've got a lot of energy moving through you, it can be futile to just try and calm down, to try and regulate by doing something like meditation. If your brain is going at a 1000000 miles an hour, sometimes that's just not the right medicine. It might just not be what you need. So really good things for anxiety, moving your body in one form or another. So it might be going for a brisk walk. It might be going for a run.
[00:13:51]:
It might just be like getting up and doing jumping jacks or shaking or something, shaking your arms and legs, going to the gym, lifting weights. Like, any movement that takes you out of your head and puts you into your body allows that energy that is currently being expended on obsessive thinking to be channeled into something that actually allows that energy to move and discharge rather than just swirl around. So that sort of more somatic approach, that bottom up approach is another really powerful way to stop that obsessing about someone. Okay. And the last thing that I'll say about this, how to stop obsessing about someone, and this is not a quick fix to be fair. It's a broader you know, piece of work that you'll do over, you know, weeks, months, years potentially. But recognizing that when we're obsessing about someone or something, it's almost always a product of some wounded part of us, some insecurity. And when we obsess about someone who rejected us, it's because we probably were already obsessing about some story of unworthiness or not good enoughness or some way in which we perceive ourselves to be defective.
[00:15:00]:
And so we just take someone else's behavior as an opportunity for us to keep reinforcing those painful stories. And so what you'll notice as you sort of do this work over a longer period of time to becoming more secure is that you will naturally be less prone to obsessing about things, about people, about situations. Because I think that that strategy, that pattern is a product of the insecure mind and body because it tends to spring from fear and stress and low self worth. And so I think when we become clearer in who we are, we have more self compassion, we have more compassion for others. That whole story of villain and victim, which I think is at the heart of a lot of rumination, it just becomes less seductive to us. It becomes less appealing. We start to see the world in more shades of gray, and we understand that everything is nuanced. And I think that over time, that tendency to just fixate on whatever it might be, that just becomes sort of diluted until it's no longer something that we find ourselves stuck in.
[00:16:13]:
And we have so many other tools and resources, and such a greater capacity to be with discomfort, that we don't tend to go down those mental rabbit holes anywhere near as often or to the same degree as we once did because of all of that other work. Like sort of just a, welcome byproduct, of doing that work to become more secure. So I hope that that has been helpful for you. As I said, these are all things that I have been practicing for some time and continue to lean on whenever I feel I need them, whenever I notice that part of me getting a bit noisy or chattery or trying to drag me into feeling like a victim and getting righteous and blaming everyone around me, which is not an energy that I like to inhabit. So when I notice myself going there, it's really helpful having these tools to quickly check myself and shift into a mode of being that feels clearer and more honest and more integral, and more empowered certainly for me at least. So I hope that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:17:29]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, anxiety, rumination, obsessive thoughts, emotional control, thought patterns, Byron Katie, victim mentality, self-soothing, nervous system regulation, stress state, sympathetic nervous system, fight or flight mode, emotional state, rejection, mindfulness, relationship dynamics, self-compassion, compassion for others, mental rabbit holes, insecure mind, self-worth, body experience, spiritual traditions, letting go, emotional spiral, negative emotions, cognitive approach, somatic approach, anxiety management, emotional well-being
3 Things You'll Notice in Your First Healthy Relationship
In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges.
In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges.
We’ll discuss how they invite vulnerability, reveal where we may have been hiding behind dysfunction, and show us that even secure partners can be imperfect. Finally, we’ll talk about how conflict in a healthy relationship doesn’t disappear, but it feels safer and more productive.
Key Points Covered:
Vulnerability: When you're in a healthy dynamic, the absence of chaos can feel unfamiliar, and it may expose areas where you’ve avoided vulnerability by leaning on old, dysfunctional patterns.
Imperfection in Secure Partners: It’s easy to idealise secure partners as perfect, but it’s important to remember that they, too, are human. The difference is in how they respond to their imperfections and how you both handle those inevitable moments of frustration.
Safe Conflict: You’ll realise that disagreements can be handled with mutual respect and a sense of safety, where both partners feel heard and valued, even in moments of tension.
Entering Your First Healthy Relationship: What to Expect
Entering into a healthy relationship for the first time can feel like uncharted territory, especially if past experiences have been marred by dysfunction, high conflict, and insecurity. Yet, as you grow more secure within yourself and cultivate self-awareness, new patterns and challenges will inevitably arise.
Understanding what to expect can help you navigate this new landscape with grace and resilience. Here are three key things you might notice in your first healthy relationship or as you and your partner evolve together into a more secure, healthy dynamic.
Vulnerability: There's Nowhere to Hide
Healthy relationships bring a level of emotional intimacy and vulnerability that can be surprising, even confronting. In relationships marked by insecurity or dysfunction, there’s often a lot of blame and finger-pointing. It’s easy to attribute problems to your partner's behaviour, side-stepping your own areas where growth and honesty are needed.
When stepping into a healthy relationship, all those distractions melt away. You might find yourself feeling exposed in ways you weren't prepared for. This is particularly true if past relationships have seen you as the pursuer, always chasing after someone else's elusive commitment. Being with someone who is fully available and committed can mirror back your own fears or hesitations, illuminating the ways you may have been avoiding vulnerability.
The good news is that this level of openness can foster deeper, more authentic connections. But be prepared: it’s uncomfortable at first. Recognising that this discomfort is a natural part of building a genuine, intimate relationship can make this transition smoother.
Imperfections: Accepting the Whole Person
Even the most secure, wonderful partner is an imperfect human. In a healthy relationship, you might find that even the kindest and most empathetic partner can still disappoint you, have bad habits, or irritate you from time to time.
Many people hold onto an idealistic view that finding a secure partner will eliminate all relational challenges. While a healthy partner may offer kindness, reliability, and empathy, they are still human. They might forget things, act irritable, or have quirks that can be annoying. The idea of never settling might sound appealing, but real relationships require compromise.
Instead of designing a partner in your mind, focus on core values and traits that are non-negotiable, and prepare to be flexible about the smaller details. Embracing this messy, real-world version of love leads to a more grounded and resilient relationship.
Conflicts: Healthy Relationships Have Them Too
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, including the healthiest ones. The key difference in a secure relationship lies in how conflicts are approached, managed, and ultimately repaired. Insecure relationships often make conflict feel existentially threatening, as every argument might seem like it could end the relationship. This high-stakes environment leads to conflict avoidance and unresolved tension.
In a healthy relationship, conflicts can be addressed safely and respectfully. Disagreements can be aired and frustrations expressed without fear of the relationship crumbling. Skillful conflict resolution and genuine attempts at repair can even strengthen connections. Being able to share concerns and have them validated and handled with care revolutionises our imprint of relational safety.
Healthy relationships allow for tension and anger to coexist with an underlying sense of security. The relationship's foundation remains firm, even during rough patches. Embracing this reality reduces the fear around conflict and fosters a more open, honest connection between partners.
Embracing the Journey
Embarking on your first healthy relationship journey can be both exciting and daunting. Remember these points: vulnerability is a sign of depth, imperfections are to be expected, and conflict is normal but can be managed constructively. These elements are not signs of failure but rather indicators of a living, evolving connection between two real people.
As you navigate this path, keep in mind that the strength of a relationship isn't measured by the absence of problems but by the commitment to face and resolve them together. This perspective shift can bring a sense of peace and confidence as you build and nurture a thriving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever found yourself hiding aspects of yourself in past relationships? What did that look like for you, and how did it affect the relationship?
Do you have any fears or anxieties around being vulnerable in a relationship? How do you think a healthy relationship might challenge those fears?
Reflect on your ideal partner. Are there any unrealistic standards that you might be holding onto? How can you embrace the imperfections in a real partner?
Think about a time when you experienced conflict in a relationship. How was it handled? How might conflict look different in a healthy, secure relationship?
Do you find yourself blaming past partners for issues in the relationship? How can you take responsibility for your own role in past conflicts?
What are some of the core traits and values you are looking for in a partner? Are you prepared to compromise on some of the less important aspects?
Do you have a history of pushing for commitment in relationships? How might being with someone who is equally committed bring up new challenges for you?
How do you usually handle disagreements or conflicts? In what ways can you approach conflict more constructively in a future healthy relationship?
Reflect on any previous experiences where conflict felt like a threat to the relationship. How can you build a sense of safety in future conflicts?
How do you think a truly supportive and validating partner might change the way you view yourself and your relationship patterns?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 3 things that you'll notice when you enter your first healthy relationship. So this is one for those of you who have maybe been in a string of not so healthy relationships, the way you've had a lot of dysfunctional patterns, maybe high conflict, a lot of insecurity. And as you do this work of becoming more secure within yourself and building self awareness around your own patterns, learning tools to build healthier relationships and more secure relationships, which is what we're hopefully all aiming for here. And then you enter a new relationship. You'll probably notice a new set of challenges or encounter things that you maybe didn't expect to. I think a lot of us have the misconception that we'll do this work and then we'll enter a healthy relationship with a secure partner and all of that stuff will be behind us.
[00:01:31]:
We'll never have to, you know, come up against those relational challenges again. When really the truth is that we are confronted with different challenges. And hopefully, we are meeting those challenges with the benefit of our enhanced capacity and new tools. And so we're able to alchemize whatever those challenges are with a greater level of maturity. But nevertheless, I think a lot of people are surprised and maybe caught off guard by the fact that secure relationships can bring up different things and can hold a mirror up to us in different ways. And so I'm gonna be sharing today 3 things that you might notice in your first healthy relationship. And even as I'm talking now, I suppose you might even notice this within the same relationship if you've done a lot of work together and you kind of enter a new era of the same relationship as can happen, I think we can have many different versions of a relationship over time with the same partner as we grow and evolve, whether that's joint work or individual work. So you may notice some of these things if you're already in a relationship, but you've been doing some of that work.
[00:02:40]:
So this will hopefully have a little bit of something for everyone. And if you're not in a relationship at the moment, maybe it'll put you on notice for things that you might come up against in the future after you've been doing this work and you enter a healthier relationship. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just a quick announcement. I am really excited to share that I am running another retreat. So for those of you who've been around a while, you might remember that I ran a retreat in Italy mid last year, which was really wonderful. And we have just booked in to do another one in Australia this time in Byron Bay, which is a beautiful coastal town. Some of you may have heard of it.
[00:03:22]:
Many of you may not have, but with a quick Google search, you'll see that it's absolutely idyllic and we booked an incredible property there. The retreat is going to be in May next year, 2025. And we've got a waitlist going for people who want to express interest in that. We're just finalizing all of the details, but it will be 3 nights in May 20, 25. And so if you want to be first to hear about that and we will have an early bird special for the initial period after we've announced it, the link is in the show notes to join that wait list where you can head to my website, and that should be relatively easy to find. So I would love to see people from this community at the retreat and, if that's something that you've maybe always wanted to do or that piques your interest, definitely, pop your name down on the wait list because obviously by virtue of the format of spaces will be very limited. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around things that you might notice in your first healthy relationship.
[00:04:20]:
Now the first one is that there's nowhere to hide. So healthy relationships can be really vulnerable. And I think that a lot of us might be surprised by this because we maybe idealize what it means to be vulnerable in relationships. And if you've been in relationships in the past or maybe you're in a relationship at the moment where there feels like there's a lack of emotional intimacy, you might say, and maybe you complain to your partner or to your friends or to yourself, that there's no depth and there's no emotional intimacy. And, and that's something that you really yearn for. But you might find that when you get it, it actually frightens you a bit. And I think this is something that I've seen time and time again, is clients and students of mine will get into a relationship with someone who is, for example, really committed and wants to move forward with the relationship. And if you've always been the person who, you know, pushes a relationship forward against someone else's resistance and you've got someone who's really, you know, maybe has a fear of commitment or doesn't want to talk about the future, and you spend so much time and energy trying to get that from them, you might really be confronted with your own fear of commitment.
[00:05:33]:
For example, if you're in relationship with someone who is totally available and wants to talk about the future and wants to move the relationship forward. So that's just one example. But what you might see is that the things that you've been blaming someone else about or complaining about those points of resistance or someone else's unavailability, you might suddenly be shown all of the ways in which you were invulnerable or unavailable. Because I think there's there's a lot of hiding that happens in dysfunctional insecure dynamics, and it's really, really easy to blame the other person for everything that's wrong with the relationship. And we often do that from a place that we really deeply believe it. That if they just changed x y zed thing, then our relationship would be fine. And as as true as that can feel, it's very rarely the truth. It's very rarely the whole picture.
[00:06:29]:
And it allows us to, I suppose, sidestep taking responsibility for the ways in which we are not being honest, not being vulnerable, maybe we're not in integrity. So it often blocks us from our own authenticity. And so when you're in a relationship where all of those things that you've been complaining about, all of those things you've been blaming someone else for suddenly aren't there, and there's nothing kind of distracting avoidance side coming up if you are someone who's typically being more anxious. And I think that can be a very interesting, very illuminating kind of role reversal to be all of a sudden afraid of vulnerability and find a lot of resistance to that within yourself. And so seeing those anxieties arise for you in a healthy relationship, I think can catch some people off guard and make you question whether it's the right relationship because you're so accustomed to being the pursuer, so accustomed to the chase, if that's historically been your role, that that that's a really comfortable place to to put all of your energy if that's what you've always done. Whereas receiving or even just something that's more balanced can feel a little bit disorienting if that's not been the role that you've historically occupied in your relationship. So prepare yourself for that. Prepare yourself for a level of vulnerability that you have probably never experienced when you get into your first healthy relationship.
[00:08:08]:
And, you you know, all of the things that come with that, there's a beautiful opportunity to deepen in genuine authentic connection with someone, but there is no way to hide there. And as I said, I think a lot of us maybe don't appreciate the extent to which we have been able to hide in dysfunction and blame in our relationships when we've largely been in insecure dynamics. Okay. The second thing that you might notice in your first healthy relationship is that even the most secure, wonderful partner will be an imperfect human. Okay? And so you might realize that you have certain idealistic conceptions of what it means to be in a secure relationship that maybe are not realistic. And a secure partner who is kind and reliable and trustworthy and empathetic and validating all of these things that you have yearned for for such a long time, that same person might disappoint you from time to time. They might be forgetful or they might have a temper or they might be irritable and, you know, they might annoy you. They might have habits that you find a little grating.
[00:09:19]:
And all of that is really normal. But it might again throw you a little if you've had this story that when I finally get into a secure relationship, then everything will be great. And I won't have to worry anymore. I won't have to have doubts. I won't have to have fears. I won't have to have insecurities. All of that stuff's not just going to fall away and evaporate, because you found the perfect person. So much of that is within us.
[00:09:45]:
And the reality is that even a great person will have downsides to them. There is no perfect partner who has every single trait we've ever wanted, but none of the ones that we don't. And so I think that we come to realize in a healthy relationship that there are compromises. I've said before, I think the advice to never settle, which floats around on social media a lot, I don't think that that really captures the reality of relationship and the messiness of it all. And I think the better advice is be very clear about what you're looking for in terms of kind of core traits and values, and then get ready to compromise around the edges. Because you're not designing some person from the ground up. You are entering relationship with a real person with all of their upsides and downsides and their history and their quirks and their annoying habits. And that's part of committed relationship is that you are signing up for all of that.
[00:10:46]:
And so it can be quite humbling, I think, to realize that you are going to be entering a relationship and potentially making a commitment to a whole person. And that that whole person will annoy you from time to time will frustrate you will upset. You will anger you. And that's all part of it. And so we might have our illusions shattered a little in a healthy relationship around the fact that it's still imperfect despite being, you know, healthy and secure. And that leads me nicely into the third point, which is healthy relationships can still involve conflict. And indeed, they generally will involve conflict. I have said before, I think it's more of a red flag if couples never have conflict than if they have a healthy amount of conflict.
[00:11:32]:
And obviously, there's caveats to that around the way that conflict is approached and managed and repaired. But you will still have disagreements. You'll still have bad days. You'll still have tension. You'll still have rupture. But the real shift that you'll see in your first healthy relationship is that conflict can be had safely and can be repaired skillfully in a way that actually enhances your connection and brings you closer rather than being this really scary thing that feels like a threat to the relationship. And if you are someone with insecure attachment patterns, and that's been the general tone and experience of your relationships to date, you may never have experienced conflict in a way that doesn't feel like it existentially threatens the relationship. Right? A lot of us will have that imprint that every fight feels like it could be the last one, the one that tips us over the edge.
[00:12:27]:
And when that is the tone of your, you know, conflict patterns in your relationship, it's very, very hard for conflicts who ever feel safe because it feels so high stakes. Right? If every fight feels like it could be the end of the relationship, then you'll probably find yourself having a lot of stress around conflict and probably being quite conflict avoidant because everything is being weighed against the possibility of the relationship ending. And so we end up letting a lot of things go that probably do need to be talked about because it's just not worth that magnitude of rupture. So when you find yourself in a healthy relationship for the first time, you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by the fact that you can talk about things and it doesn't have to snowball into this really big, ugly, disconnected fight with attacking and blame and defensiveness and stonewalling and all of those things that a lot of us know really well. And I think that it's incredibly healing to be able to share something that's bothering you and have it received and handled with care and responded to in a validating way. Those sorts of experiences can really fundamentally shift our imprint around relationships and the emotional safety that comes from that is so conducive to greater intimacy and connection in the relationship more broadly. So that is something that you will learn when you enter your first healthy relationship. Yes, there will be conflict.
[00:13:59]:
Don't expect that you are going to be able to skip out on conflict altogether. But it can be done in a way that is safe and feels safe. Even in the moment you can be having conflict and tension or you can be angry, you can be frustrated, and still feel this really strong foundation of safety in the relationship, and that's a very powerful thing. Okay. So those were three things that you may experience in your first healthy relationship. Just to recap, that is that there's nowhere to hide and secure relationships are really vulnerable and actually show us all of the places that we've been avoiding or denying or maybe not taking responsibility for our stuff. The second one was that even secure, healthy, amazing partners are going to annoy us from time to time. They are imperfect, messy humans like the rest of us.
[00:14:52]:
And 3, that secure relationships will have conflicts just like any other. But the difference is your ability to have conflict in a safe way and repair skillfully. So I hope that that's been helpful, has given you something to think about, whether you're in that space at the moment, or it's something that you might encounter in the future. Hopefully that's put you on notice of what you might expect in your first healthy relationship. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who leave a review or rating. Also, if you're someone who watches YouTube, I confess I'm not someone who watches very much YouTube, but I know a lot of people do. I'm trying to grow my YouTube channel at the moment. So if you care to jump on over to YouTube and subscribe, share, if you feel so inclined to all of the podcast episodes are being uploaded in video there, so you can explore those as well as some other videos that are only on YouTube. That would be a huge help to me as a way to support my work in the show. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:15:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, secure relationships, healthy relationships, insecurity, relationship patterns, self-awareness, self-improvement, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, fear of commitment, relationship challenges, dysfunctional relationships, personal growth, relational dynamics, conflict resolution, emotional safety, mature relationships, secure partners, relationship advice, practical tools, relationship coach, relational challenges, retreat in Italy, Byron Bay retreat, authentic connection, relationship conflict, relationship repair, relationship maturity, relationship guide, building healthy relationships, secure attachment.
Sex & Attachment: How Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
We’ll cover five key differences in how anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and approach sex.
Emphasis on Emotional vs Physical Intimacy
Anxiously attached individuals may place a stronger emphasis on emotional intimacy and connection as a foundation for physical intimacy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might prioritize physical intimacy while keeping emotional vulnerability at arm’s length.Overthinking vs Dissociating
When it comes to sex, those with an anxious attachment style may find themselves getting stuck in their heads, overthinking and ruminating on whether they’re pleasing their partner or what their partner might be thinking. Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might struggle to stay present during intimacy, often dissociating or emotionally checking out as a way to manage their discomfort with closeness.Focus on Other vs Focus on Self
Anxiously attached individuals often focus heavily on their partner’s needs and feelings during sex, sometimes to the detriment of their own experience. In contrast, avoidant individuals might approach sex with a more self-focused mindset, prioritising their own comfort and boundaries, which can create distance in the sexual connection.Libido / General Openness to Being Intimate
Anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a heightened desire for intimacy as a way to secure closeness and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals might experience a lower libido or be less open to intimacy, particularly if they feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.Impact of Relational Tension on Desire for Sex
Relational tension can have opposite effects on anxious and avoidant individuals. Those with anxious attachment may seek sex as a way to repair or soothe relational tension, while those with avoidant attachment might withdraw further, seeing sex as a source of pressure rather than connection.
How Anxious and Avoidant Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
Sex and attachment styles are deeply intertwined, often shaping the dynamics and quality of our intimate relationships. The ways in which individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and relate to sex can markedly differ, significantly influencing their sexual interactions and relationship satisfaction.
The Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Spiral
One common pattern observed in relationships is the anxious-avoidant sexual spiral. Initially, the relationship might be characterised by intense physical attraction and a vibrant sex life, which can feel satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. As the relationship progresses, however, the avoidant partner may begin to withdraw sexually, leaving the anxious partner feeling distressed and rejected.
This dynamic often leads to a cycle where the anxious partner increases their attempts to rekindle the sexual connection, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure, further pulling away. This can create a vicious cycle of pursuing and distancing, exacerbating feelings of insecurity and unfulfillment for both parties.
Physical vs Emotional Intimacy
For anxiously attached individuals, sex often represents the pinnacle of emotional and physical intimacy. It serves as a powerful reassurance of the relationship’s stability and their partner’s desire for them. Anxious individuals often seek out sex not just for physical pleasure but as a means of securing emotional closeness and validation.
In contrast, avoidant individuals tend to view sex primarily as a physical act. The idea of sex as an emotional, intimate experience can be foreign or even uncomfortable for them. As relationships deepen and emotional expectations increase, avoidant individuals may experience a decline in sexual desire, struggling to reconcile emotional intimacy with sexual attraction.
Nervous System Responses During Sex
The physiological responses during sex can also differ significantly between anxious and avoidant individuals. Anxiously attached individuals often experience an overactive sympathetic nervous system response, leading to overthinking and difficulty being present. They might worry about their performance, their partner’s satisfaction, or how they are perceived, which can detract from their ability to enjoy the moment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, may struggle with presence but in a different way. They are more likely to dissociate or numb out, appearing emotionally and physically distant during sex. This lack of engagement can be distressing for their anxious partners, exacerbating their insecurities and perpetuating the avoidance.
Focus on Partner vs Self
Anxiously attached individuals tend to prioritise their partner’s experience during sex, often to the detriment of their own needs and desires. They focus on ensuring their partner is satisfied, seeing their partner’s pleasure as validation of their worth and as reassurance of the relationship’s health.
Avoidantly attached individuals may be more self-focused, attending to their own pleasure and expecting their partner to communicate their needs directly. This approach can come across as indifferent or selfish, but it stems from a different relational dynamic where self-sufficiency and autonomy are prioritised.
Openness to Sex
The inclination towards physical intimacy also varies. Anxiously attached individuals are often more open and ready for sex, viewing it as a vital means of maintaining connection and assessing the relationship’s health. They are typically more willing to engage in sex, even if they are not immediately in the mood, because it reassures them of their partner’s interest and commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, may be less spontaneous and more likely to reject sudden advances. The need for emotional and relational harmony is paramount for them to feel sexually inclined. If the relationship feels strained, their libido might decrease significantly, as they struggle to bridge the gap between emotional discord and physical intimacy.
Relational Strain and Sexual Desire
Interestingly, relational tension can influence sexual desire differently for anxious and avoidant individuals. For the anxiously attached, relational strain might heighten their desire for sex as a way to reconnect and mend the perceived rift. They see sex as a balm for the relationship and a critical indicator of their partner’s commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might withdraw further when the relationship is under strain. The discomfort of emotional tension can dampen their sexual interest, as they find it challenging to engage intimately when they feel relational discord. They may see sex as a pressure-ridden obligation rather than a means to restore connection, thus pulling away even more.
Navigating These Dynamics
Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationships. Acknowledging the influence of attachment styles can help partners navigate differences with greater empathy and insight. Anxiously attached individuals might work on building self-validation and communicating needs without pressurising their partner, while avoidantly attached individuals could focus on enhancing emotional connection and openness to vulnerability.
By recognising that these patterns are common and addressing them with compassion and willingness to adapt, couples can create a more balanced and satisfying sexual relationship. Letting go of the notion that one must change oneself entirely, and instead appreciating the intricate dance of attachment styles, can pave the way for deeper intimacy and stronger relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you see your attachment style influencing your approach to sexual intimacy? Can you identify behaviours or thought patterns that reflect this?
In what ways do you use sexual intimacy as a barometer for your relationship's health? Does this create pressure or anxiety for you or your partner?
Consider your last intimate experience. Were you able to remain present and connected, or did you find yourself overthinking or dissociating? How might your attachment style have influenced this?
Reflect on a time you felt rejected or dismissed when initiating intimacy. How did this affect your feelings of self-worth? How might understanding attachment styles change your perception of this experience?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your own pleasure and desires during sex? Do you tend to prioritise your partner's experience over your own? How does this align with the characteristics of your attachment style?
Think about the role emotional intimacy plays in your sexual relationships. Do you see sex as an emotional connection or more as a physical act? How does this perspective influence your relational dynamics?
How does conflict or relational disharmony affect your interest in sex? Reflect on whether you become more anxiously engaged or avoidantly distant when things aren't perfect between you and your partner.
Is there a recurring pattern in your sexual dynamics that you believe might stem from an attachment-related wound or insecurity? How might you start addressing and healing this within yourself?
Are you open to discussing sexual issues and dynamics with your partner? How might an open and honest conversation about attachment styles improve your sexual relationship?
Reflect on the idea of "the anxious avoidant sexual spiral." Have you experienced this pattern in your relationships? How did it impact your connection and overall relationship satisfaction?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:31]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about sex and attachment, and specifically how anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to their experience of and how they relate to sexual intimacy. So this is a big topic. It's one that I have touched on before in the podcast, but not in recent history, and it's one that I do receive a lot of questions in DMs about people struggling with something to do with their sexual dynamic and wondering whether the attachment dynamics between them and their partner have anything to do with it. And as I always say, I think if attachment styles determine how we experience and relate to intimacy, then I think when you look at it in that way, of course that's going to affect how we relate to and experience sex, because sexual intimacy for a lot of us is pretty high up in terms of vulnerability and intimacy. And so, of course, if our attachment wounds are triggered by vulnerability and intimacy in our relationships, then of course sex is going to bring us into contact with those things in maybe a really accentuated way. And so, as we're going to talk about today, a lot of the dynamics and strategies that we'll see in other aspects of relationships are very much front and center, and if anything, can be even more pronounced and acute when it comes to the sexual relationship. And I think that can be really exacerbated.
[00:02:00]:
The distress that we feel and the sense of shame and brokenness can be exacerbated by the fact that there is so much shame around sex to begin with, and we don't talk about it very much. So I think in my experience, when people are struggling sexually, there tends to be much more of an inclination to cover it up, not talk about it, avoid it, and then assume that you're the only one experiencing it because you haven't heard about it anywhere else, or it's not really visible to you in other people's relationships. And I'll just say at the outset, being in the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories and being on the receiving end of people's questions and worries, I can assure you that you're far from alone if you can relate to what we're going to be talking about today. So that's what we're going to be covering. I'm going to be sharing 4 key ways in which anxious and avoidant leaning people differ in their experience of sex and how they think about sex in relationships and more broadly. And as I said, I'm hoping that that will normalize these things to the extent that you're experiencing them, and also point you in the right direction in terms of what you might need to work on, where your behavior is originating from within you, what may be wounded parts or insecurities, what subconscious drivers are perpetuating those patterns and how you might be able to shift it towards something healthier and more fulfilling. Now before we dive into today's episode, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment. Doors will be closing in a few days' time for this round and I'm not sure when the next round will be.
[00:03:35]:
Possibly at the end of the year, possibly early next year. But I would love to have you inside the program. We have a whole module on Secure Sexuality for anxiously attached people, how you can not only understand these dynamics and your part in them, but how you can cultivate a really secure sexuality within yourself, 1st and foremost, as a way to be more present and confident and really enjoy sex rather than using it as validation or a way to temperature check the relationship, which, as we'll get to, is very common among anxiously attached people. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, I would love to have you head to my website or click the link in the show notes to join me and hundreds of others in this very special program. It's going to be a great round. I'm so excited for it. We've got a strong community component this time with a live online community and 4 live calls with me, which is more than ever before. So if you are feeling the pull, now is the time.
[00:04:39]:
Make sure you sign up in the next couple of days before registration closes because we won't be accepting anyone after the deadline. Okay. So let's talk sex and attachment. I have something that I term the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which sounds like a very dramatic name, and it can be quite dramatic in practice. But it's essentially the anxious avoidant trap, that pursue withdraw dynamic as applied to sex. And I've done episodes about this before, but very briefly to recap, what we'll often see in a relationship is that there's a strong sexual emphasis to the connection at the beginning. Lots of physical attraction, maybe you're having really intense sex, really chemistry fueled, and it's super exciting. And that feels great for both people.
[00:05:28]:
Right? It feels great for the anxious partner because they tend to really prioritize and find sex to be a really important barometer for the overall connection. But also, the anxious person loves feeling wanted, and so when they feel wanted at the start of the relationship, that feels really incredible. The avoidant partner just really enjoys that intimacy and feeling like they can express themselves in that way that is really intoxicating for them and can lead them to feel really attracted when they're able to have this strong, intense sexual connection with someone. That can really fuel a lot of their interest in the early stages of a relationship. But what tends to happen is that as things become more serious, so maybe when you go from casually seeing each other to exclusively seeing each other, or maybe when you go from exclusively seeing each other to moving in together, you know, depending on the timing, it's going to be different for everyone. But as you tend to progress towards more of a steady, comfortable relationship with more expectation, more reciprocity, more of an emotional connection alongside the physical, the avoidant partner tends to start to pull away sexually. They tend to feel less attracted, less interested in sex, and inevitably, that causes the anxious person to fire up, to freak out, panic, wonder what they've done wrong, and escalate in their attempts to restore the sexual connection to what it was, in part to alleviate their own fears that they've done something wrong or their partner's lost attraction because they're not good at sex or they don't like the way I look or they found someone else, all of these sorts of things. And inevitably then, as the anxious person starts to ramp up their efforts, the avoidant person feels pressured and overwhelmed, and whether they realize it or not, that pressure is a real buzzkill in terms of their interest in sex, because avoidant people tend not to like feeling pressured to do anything, and certainly not to feel a certain way, and so they become more avoidant with respect to sex.
[00:07:38]:
And on and on that cycle goes, and that can cause a lot of distress and disconnection on both sides, and leaving people feeling, is there something wrong with the relationship? That we don't have the same effortless sexual connection that we enjoyed to begin with. So that's what I call the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which is essentially just the pursuer distance or dynamic as applied to sex. Now, picking apart some aspects of that and diving a little deeper, I want to share these 5 key ways in which anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to sex. And the first one is around physical versus emotional intimacy. Now I think that it would be fair to say that anxiously attached people struggle with being vulnerable around sex as much as avoidant people do. But even still, anxious people seek out sex both for the emotional connection and the physical intimacy. So there is this sense that sex is maybe the culmination of closeness with someone. And so for anxious partners, that's something that they seek out.
[00:08:41]:
And oftentimes, there's no upper limit on how often or how much sexual intimacy an anxious partner would like because it feels like there's really clear reinforcement of the bond. And so if I feel best when I'm connected to you, when am I more connected than when we're having sex or we've just had sex? Right? That feels like kind of the apotheosis of connection. And so for someone who's anxiously attached, it feels very reassuring if there's a very vibrant sexual relationship, because they think, my partner's not going to leave me if they really enjoy having sex with me and we're having a lot of sex. Right? That's a really surefire way for an anxious person to feel, you know, close, connected, reassured. And so for anxiously attached people, that tends to be a very high ranking priority kind of relationship need is for the sexual relationship to be there. And the flip side of that is that if there's something wrong with the sexual relationship, so to speak, if there's a sudden change in frequency or tone to the sexual relationship, then the anxious partner is gonna take that as meaning something about the relationship as a whole. They really do tend to use sex as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. On the other hand, the avoidant partner tends to be much more focused on the physical component of sex.
[00:10:03]:
And that's not to say they don't enjoy sex, but the idea of sex being this romantic, intimate, emotional experience is probably not only foreign to an avoidant partner, but also maybe quite uncomfortable. And we can see that in the way that an avoidant partner tends to distance when emotions, when intimacy and vulnerability get brought into the relational sphere as a relationship progresses, or maybe as the relationship becomes more comfortable, moves away from that initial sense of novelty and excitement and adventure and newness that comes with a relationship at the beginning as it settles into something a bit more predictable and safe. For a lot of avoidant people, they don't know how to reconcile that level of familiarity with sexual arousal, desire, attraction, which they do tend to experience as a mostly physical act rather than one that is heightened by emotional connection and in turn deepens the emotional connection. So that's a really key distinction between anxious and avoidant people, in how they process this idea of emotional and physical intimacy. Okay. So the next key difference between anxious and avoidant people insofar as sex is concerned is what your nervous system tends to do during sex. So for anxiously attached people, you'll typically experience your whole body and system going into overdrive during sex, like a kind of overactive, mobilised sympathetic nervous system stress response. So this will typically show up as really overthinking, so struggling to just be present and embodied.
[00:11:47]:
Because you're so stuck in your head, you may be thinking, what are they thinking? Are they enjoying themselves? How do I look right now? All of these sorts of insecurities. Am I doing this right? All of that is likely to be, like, very active in your mind, in that kind of problem solving, obsessing mode that will be familiar to so many anxious people, you know, outside of the bedroom. But you'll likely see that kind of experience very much front and center for you when it comes to sex. So in that same overthinking, very, very active mentally, and unable to switch your mind off so that you can actually just relax and enjoy. On the flip side of that, avoidant people also really struggle with being present and embodied, but they tend to go the other way. And this really mirrors your respective stress responses anyway. So you've probably heard me talk about conflict. Same thing, right? Anxious people dial up, and they go into a very mobilized stress response, whereas avoidant people tend to numb out or dissociate, and you'll see that sexually as well for a lot of avoidant people.
[00:12:54]:
They struggle with presence, but because they're kind of numb, they might feel blank, not very present, not very engaged. It might feel if you're partnered with someone who is more avoidant that they're not really in the room, that it feels like they're just totally vacant. And of course, that can impede your ability to connect and really enjoy, and these things tend to reinforce each other. So if you're more anxious and you see your partner who's got their eyes closed or is is just not really present, you can feel that they're energetically not really present, then that's going to send your insecurities really spiraling, wondering if they're having a good time, wondering if you're doing something wrong, and that takes you out of presence even more so, so we can see how those responses bounce off each other insofar as sex is concerned. Okay. The next difference between anxious and avoidant people is that, again, this kind of mirrors what we see outside of sex, which is that anxiously attached people will almost always focus to extreme degrees on their partner's experience during sex. So they're only concerned with their partner enjoying it. So they're very focused on giving pleasure to their partner and ensuring that everything is to their partner's preferences.
[00:14:10]:
Don't worry about me, whatever works for you, so long as you come out of this experience having had a good time and feeling positively about it, that's all I need. Right? And you can hear aspects of the broader relational dynamic in that. Don't worry about my needs, so long as your needs are taken care of, so long as you're happy with me, then I'm happy. Right? So it tends to show up for a lot of anxious people in sex, whereas for avoidant people, they tend to be more focused on themselves. So they're focused on their experience. They may be less likely to go out of their way to take care of their partner unless they're specifically asked to, and they have this sense of, we'll just do the thing, and I'll take care of me, and I'll ask for what I want, and it's up to you to ask for what you want. I'm not going to go out of my way to, you know, accommodate you or cater this to your preferences unless you specifically ask me to. And while that might sound people might hear that and go, oh, wow.
[00:15:05]:
Avoiding people are so selfish. I think it's just important to recognize that both of those ways of of approaching sex are, as always, at opposite ends of the spectrum. Right? And what we really want is to be able to both focus on the other person and ourselves, to be able to advocate for our own pleasure, and our own preferences and our own experience, while also obviously taking the other person into account, and obviously wanting them to be enjoying themselves and their experience to be catered to as much as ours. So, as always, we want to walk off the ledges at our opposite extremes and find our way into a healthy middle. Okay. The next key difference between anxious and avoidant people when it comes to sex is openness to having sex. So anxiously attached people will pretty much now of course, this is a huge generalization, but pretty much always be open to physical intimacy. Of course, within the parameters of life constraints, but it's very rare that an anxiously attached person is going to just be completely closed off to the idea of sex, because there tends to be a general readiness for connection in the system of the anxiously attached person.
[00:16:17]:
So if their partner initiates some sort of physical intimacy, the anxiously attached person is probably going to be quite receptive to that. Whereas for avoidant people, they don't have that same simmer a lot of the time. They tend to be in their own world and it can be quite jarring for them to suddenly switch gears. So if you're the anxious partner and you initiate some sort of physical intimacy or sex with your partner in quite an abrupt way, they might really push that away and go, I'm not in the mood, or not now, or something else that feels quite dismissing and rejecting, just because they struggle to switch gears quickly, and they feel like that's a lot of pressure, and I'm not perfectly ready and in the mood, and so I'm not really open to it at all. And that's quite different to, you'll know this if you're more anxious, that you could probably be convinced or persuaded to get in the mood even if you're not immediately there, because the idea of connection and physical intimacy, sex with your partner is such a a positive one. It's something that you really value very highly, and so it's rare that you'll go to pass up the opportunity, particularly if sex is something that feels strange in your relationship. All the more so that you're likely to want to be intimate with your partner because you feel like it's such an important thing. And that sort of leads me into the last one, which is anxiously attached people, the more strange the relationship has been, the more you're probably going to want to focus on sex, or the more interested you're going to be in sex, because you do see it as almost this panacea that alleviates a lot of your fears and insecurities about the state of the relationship.
[00:18:02]:
So if you're fighting a lot or things have felt disconnected or there's been other stuff going on between you that hasn't felt great, For you as an anxiously attached person, if you have sex, it's likely to feel like, oh, okay. Well, at least we had sex. Right? That's a good sign. That means that things aren't too dire. They still love me. I feel reassured about the state of our relationship because we've had sex. For the avoidant partner, it's likely to go the other way. So if there's been some sort of relational disharmony, if you felt disconnected, they're likely to pull away more, and be less interested in sex rather than more.
[00:18:43]:
Because I think for a lot of avoidant people, again, whether they realize it or not, they can have this programming of, everything has to be perfect in order for me to want to have sex. And if things haven't been great between us, I might just feel generally not particularly interested in being around you or being close to you, because I have some negative associations around that at the moment. And so if I'm distancing more broadly, I'm certainly going to be distancing with respect to sex, particularly when I know that for you it carries this emotional overlay that I'm not comfortable with, so I just tend to become more avoidant with respect to sex altogether when things are feeling a little fraught or tense between us. So those were 5 key differences in how anxious and avoidant people relate to sex. I hope that that's been interesting for you. I know that this is a topic that, as I said, a lot of people really struggle with and and maybe isn't talked about enough, and I think that it's so important that we do talk about it and understand it so that we don't internalise whatever we're struggling with and think that there's something just fundamentally wrong with us as individuals or the relationship, because these really are very common dynamics. And as I said, there are things that can be done. It's not something that you're stuck with forever, but it just requires some awareness as a first step, and then obviously a willingness to be vulnerable and to take risks, because vulnerability is risky, and particularly when it comes to sex, it can feel all the more so.
[00:20:19]:
So being willing to talk about it, being willing to interrupt our own default patterns to the extent that they might be making things worse rather than better, and questioning those stories that we might carry around our worth being tied to whether someone wants us. I know that's a big one for anxious attaches and can make, you know, any of these dynamics feel so much more painful and can really cause us a lot of suffering because we think that we are not good enough, and we need to change ourselves in order for our partners to want us. And as I've laid out today, there's a lot more going on than that, and oftentimes it's about another person's insecurities and their stuff rather than something that you've done or not done, or something about you that you need to change in order to change the situation. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if this has resonated for you and you'd like support with this and all of the other stuff when it comes to anxious attachment, I would love to see you inside Healing Anxious Attachment. You've got a few more days to join. I'd love to see you there. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, sex, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, sexual intimacy, relationship coach, vulnerability, intimacy, attachment styles, emotional connection, physical intimacy, nervous system response, sexual experience, relationship health, relationship dynamics, insecure attachment, relationship struggles, sexual dynamic, partner connection, avoidant partner, anxious partner, relational disharmony, sexual relationship, attachment wounds, healing anxious attachment, Secure Sexuality, anxious avoidant sexual spiral, pursue withdraw dynamic, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity.
3 Tips for Avoidant Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
This week, we're talking all about how avoidant attached people can experience conflict in a healthier, more productive way. I'll be sharing three tips that will allow you to feel more connected, grounded and in control in the way you approach conflict in your relationship.
Navigating Conflict for Avoidant Attachments: Three Key Tips
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. However, for those with avoidant attachment styles, conflict can often feel particularly daunting. It may lead to withdrawal, a sense of numbness, or an overwhelming desire to keep the peace at all costs. Understanding how to navigate these situations can transform conflict from a point of contention into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Here are three key tips for those with avoidant attachment styles to experience healthier conflict in their relationships.
1. Acknowledge Your Internal Experience
During conflict, it’s common for avoidantly attached individuals to feel overwhelmed or to shut down entirely. Rather than engaging, they might find themselves disassociating or unable to articulate their thoughts and feelings. When this happens, it’s vital to communicate what is going on internally. A simple phrase like, “I hear you, but I’m struggling to find the words right now,” can be profoundly impactful.
By acknowledging your experience, you offer your partner insight into your emotional state. This not only reduces the tension but also helps your partner feel heard and validated. Instead of viewing your silence as indifference or disengagement, your partner can understand that you are trying but are in need of a moment to gather your thoughts. This transparency fosters empathy and reduces the likelihood of the conversation escalating into an unproductive argument.
2. Listen Beyond the Words
Conflicts often come with a barrage of complaints and criticisms, especially when one partner has an anxious attachment style. For avoidant individuals, this can feel like an attack, prompting defensive reactions or withdrawal. Instead of responding to the literal complaints, try to listen to the underlying emotions and needs.
For example, if your partner says, “You never spend time with me,” they might actually be expressing feelings of loneliness or a need for more connection. By responding to the emotion beneath the complaint—such as saying, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling lonely, and I’m sorry for that”—you demonstrate empathy and understanding. This approach helps to defuse tension and shifts the conversation from blame towards a mutual understanding and solution.
3. Requesting Time-Outs Constructively
When emotions run high, continuing the conversation can sometimes do more harm than good. If you feel yourself becoming too defensive or shutting down emotionally, don’t be afraid to request a time-out. However, it’s crucial to frame this request in a way that reassures your partner you are not avoiding the issue altogether.
Say something like, “I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts. Can we continue this discussion in a couple of hours?” Providing a specific time to reconvene signals to your partner that you are committed to addressing the conflict but need a moment to regain composure. This time can help both of you approach the issue with a clearer mind and a calmer emotional state, making the conversation more productive.
Conclusion
Avoidant attachments can make conflict in relationships particularly challenging, but it doesn’t have to be an insurmountable hurdle. By acknowledging your internal experiences, listening beyond the surface complaints, and requesting time-outs constructively, it’s possible to navigate conflicts more healthily and constructively. These practices can lead not only to a resolution but also to a deeper understanding and connection between partners. Embracing these strategies can transform conflict from a dreaded event into an opportunity for growth and closeness.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself avoiding conflicts in your relationship? Reflect on why this might be – is it a fear of long, draining conversations or something else?
How do you typically respond when you feel overwhelmed during a conflict? Do you tend to shut down, dissociate, or become defensive?
Have you ever tried expressing that you’re struggling to find the words during a heated conversation? How did it impact the interaction?
How do you perceive your partner's complaints or criticisms? Are you able to see the underlying emotions or needs that might be driving their concerns?
When your partner feels neglected or lonely, how do you usually react? Can you think of ways to acknowledge their feelings more effectively?
During conflicts, do you notice yourself becoming highly defensive or numb? How do these responses affect your ability to resolve the issue constructively?
What might it look like for you to ask for a time out during a conflict? How can you communicate the need for a break without it feeling like an escape to your partner?
Reflect on a recent conflict. Were you able to understand your partner's underlying emotions and needs? How might you have approached it differently with this understanding?
How do you currently manage your need for space during conflicts? Is this communicated effectively to your partner?
Is there a pattern in your conflicts where you feel particularly misunderstood or invalidated? How might you address this with your partner to foster better mutual understanding and resolution?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are doing 3 tips for avoidant attaches during conflict. So if you listened last week, I did sort of part 1 of this topic, which was 3 tips for anxiously attached people during conflict. And as promised, I'm coming back with part 2 this week, which is around avoidant attachment, and some steps that avoidant attaches can take to shift the the status quo in conflict in your relationships. As I spoke to last week, we all contribute to these patterns even if we feel like it's really easy to blame the other person.
[00:01:05]:
You know, if they didn't do their thing, I wouldn't do my thing. That tends to be true on both sides, and that is good news because it means that we have more power over changing the patterns than maybe we realize. So today's episode is going to be sharing some pointers for avoidant people in conflict with your partner so that you can hopefully have more productive conversations where you can really hear each other and get to a resolution that is mutually satisfactory, quicker maybe than than you tend to. I know that for avoiding attaches, one of the big gripes with their anxious partners is, you know, having conversations that go on for hours and hours and hours. And I know that that can feel excruciatingly painful and can really feed into your resistance to talking about relationship stuff more broadly because you feel like every time you open the can of worms, it's signing up for one of those big, drawn out, long, emotional conversations that are so taxing for you. So hopefully with these few tips today, you can short circuit some of that and maybe find a new way of doing things that allows both you and your partner to get what you need out of those conversations rather than swirling around in them endlessly. Before I dive into these three tips, a reminder in case you missed it last week, Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature program, is coming back in a few weeks' time. So if you are interested in joining the wait list for that program, being on the wait list simply gives you guaranteed access to exclusive early bird pricing, as well as being notified when doors open so that you can make sure that you don't miss out.
[00:02:47]:
We've had over 2,000 people in the program. It always gets really beautiful feedback. And if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and would like to work on becoming more secure, I would love to have you there. So please do check that out if you're interested, jump on the wait list, and yeah, I hope to see as many of you there as possible. Okay. Let's dive into this conversation around avoidant attachment and conflict. So as I did with anxious attachment, I will set the scene briefly. For avoidant attaches, I think it would be fair to say that conflict avoidance is the norm, and that can come from different places, as I alluded to in the introduction, that can come from a place of not wanting to have to embark upon those very long, painful conversations that can feel I think they're draining for everyone, but they're particularly draining for the avoidant partner who, you know, it is not their comfort zone to be talking about emotions for 3 hours, whether it's their emotions or someone else's, particularly when they feel like those conversations are just an opportunity for them to be dragged through the mud and told all of the ways that they are not good enough, not measuring up, disappointing their partner.
[00:03:58]:
That's a big ask for someone to sit through that. And so I think for avoidant attaches, there can be this sense of, let's just not talk about it. If we don't talk about it, then there's no problem. And they can be quite content with, you know, leaving things unsaid, maybe sweeping things under the rug because that feels much more peaceful and conducive to overall harmony than having those big conversations. Those conversations can just feel like, you know, from the avoidant perspective, it's like, why would we possibly want to do that? It is such a, you know, it is such a burdensome thing to have to do to sit through those conversations. Whereas for the anxious partner, it's, we absolutely must have those conversations because if we don't have those conversations, it's all I can think about. Whereas for the one partner, it's like, it's the last thing I want to think about, all of those issues in our relationship, so I just compartmentalize and carry on with my life quite happily. So again, neither is better or worse.
[00:04:57]:
It's just totally different approaches to conflict, and that's why it's so important to, you know, foster and cultivate more understanding and awareness of the ways in which our partner might be different to us, because then we can depersonalize it a bit and realize that, you know, they're not out to get us, they're actually just out to protect themselves, and this goes for most everyone. Okay. So for avoidant attaches, there can be this commitment to keeping the peace and harmony, as well as avoiding those sorts of conversations which really do detract from their overall sense of the relationship being worthwhile. I think that while anxiously attached people will happily have those conversations and have those sorts of conflicts, and not then think that there's anything wrong with the relationship. For avoidant attaches, it can really wear them down quite quickly and can make them feel like, you know, this shouldn't be happening. In a good relationship, we wouldn't be having these fights, and so it can really, you know, detract from their overall satisfaction with the relationship. So here are my tips for avoiding attaches during conflict. The first one is really simple but it almost feels like a hack because I think it is that simple but that effective.
[00:06:08]:
And it is if you don't know what to say, which will often happen for avoidant attaches because you tend to slow down during conflict, you tend to go blank, go numb, you might feel like your partner's just talking at you and you've totally dissociated from your body. You, you know, can't even hear them. You know, they're speaking for 5 minutes straight, and you can't actually remember what they've said. And so you just kind of sit there staring into your hands or staring at the wall, and you could feel their frustration and irritation mounting, and then they might get, you know, even more kind of attacking at you and say, well, aren't you gonna say something? You're just sitting there. I just said all of this stuff, and you don't even have anything to say. Don't you care at all? Those sorts of, you know, escalations which can feel just like a lot of pressure when you're already, you know, really struggling and really stressed, just say, I'm having a really hard time finding the words. I hear you, but I'm really struggling to gather my thoughts or to know what to say. That is 1,000,000 times better than saying nothing, I promise.
[00:07:11]:
And I say this as someone who leans more anxious. If my partner says, I hear you, but I'm struggling to find the words right now to articulate myself, that is so much better than him saying nothing. And that allows me to know that I've been heard and to feel validated and understood, but also it allows me to access compassion and empathy for the fact that, you know, he's having a hard time. When he just sits there silently, and to be fair, he doesn't do this very often, but if he just sits there silently, it's really easy for me to have an internal narrative that he, you know, isn't listening, doesn't care, isn't engaging, isn't putting an effort, just from that very fear driven self protective place. But as soon as he's able to articulate what's going on for him, you know, narrating that inner experience, of I'm feeling really numb, I'm having a hard time finding the words, immediately I can go, oh, okay. I know this person. I know they care. I know they're doing their best, and I don't have to feel so defensive, and I'm sure that applies for many people.
[00:08:14]:
So saying what you're feeling, even if it's I don't know what to say or I'm feeling numb or I'm feeling defensive, those things are so much better than saying nothing. Okay. The next one is and this is a big ask and it's really hard, but try to hear through your partner's complaint to the desire that sits underneath or to the emotion that sits underneath. So if you have a more anxious leaning partner, as you typically will if you are more avoidant, your partner probably comes at you in conflict with what sounds like a long list of complaints of things that you aren't doing right or that you need to do differently. And it's very easy and understandable that you would sit there and switch off or become very defensive in response to that, that you might want to argue with their analysis of you and point out all the ways in which they are wrong or you don't agree. But that will only lead them to feel invalidated and escalate and take your fighting back as proof that you don't really care about them and so on and so forth. Whereas if you're able to say, it sounds like you've been feeling a bit lonely when they're saying you never spent time with me and you don't even prioritize me. If you can find it within yourself to peel back the top layer, which is coming through as a complaint or a criticism or an attack, and go, what's the feeling under here? What are they needing from me? What's like the tenderness? What's the hurt? And can I speak to that? Can I respond to that rather than the actual words that they've said? Because I promise you, if you're able to say, I'm so sorry.
[00:09:52]:
It sounds like you've really been missing spending time together, or I hear you. I'm hearing that you're feeling neglected or lonely, or it sounds like it's hard for you. When I'm, you know, not communicative, I'm really sorry. I'll try and do better. It's almost like you're just taking a pin and popping the balloon, and it's all just gonna deflate all of that tension in your partner because really what they're doing and, you know, undeniably, they could be more skillful about it. Right? Anxious partners can be really almost aggressive in the way that they approach this, and that is not helpful. I will be the 1st to admit that, it's not productive. But if you can find it within yourself to look through underneath to the tender part of whatever it is they're trying to say, it will just stop the whole argument in its tracks, I promise.
[00:10:44]:
And that will really allow them to feel so seen and held, which is all they really want. Right? In all of those big, long conversations, I promise all they want is to feel validated and cared for. And so if you can find a way to say, I see you, it makes sense why you're feeling the way you're feeling, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, and I care about what you have to say, it's just like the whole thing will will melt and you'll be back into connection. They'll let go of all of that anger and frustration that they're coming at you with, and you'll be able to find your way to a much more constructive solution much more quickly. So try and see through, you know, the complaint to whatever the the hurt or the pain is underneath. And if you can wrap that in some love and care, then you're going to be having a whole different conversation with a whole different version of your partner. Okay. And the third one is, and this is really one for you in terms of supporting yourself, don't be afraid to ask for a time out or some space if you need it.
[00:11:47]:
So it's really not worthwhile to persist in conflict if you are feeling really dysregulated, if you are, like, totally numbed out, if you are very angry and defensive, if you notice those sorts of responses coming up and you are just so entrenched in seeing your partner is the bad guy and is the enemy and you feel, like, a lot of anger or, you know, frustration, defensiveness towards them, there's no point in just persevering. And this is true on both sides. This is a tip for anxious people as well. There is no point persevering once you reach a certain point of dysregulation because you are not hearing each other. All you're seeing is like red. Right? Both of you. It's just in total threat mode, and you are just in attack, defend, fight, flight. It is not productive to have a conversation from that place.
[00:12:39]:
Your empathy is offline, your rationality is offline, you're both in this very tunnel visioned place. So don't just push through thinking that, you know, if you stay in it long enough you're going to find your way to a resolution. You almost certainly won't, you'll just end up hurting each other, and walking away from it feeling really depleted and disconnected. So don't be afraid to ask for a time out if you need one. And, you know, the helpful thing, and I've given this advice many times before, if you are more avoidant, say, look, I think we should take a time out. I notice I'm getting really defensive. I don't think this is going to be very constructive right now. Can we come back to this in 2 hours? Or whatever.
[00:13:18]:
But ask for the time out and serve up the reassurance of I'm not just trying to escape, I'm not just trying to get out of the conversation altogether, because if there's any sense of that, your partner is going to protest against the time out. But if you can say, I need some space and I do want to hear what you have to say, I just don't think I can right now. I don't think I have the capacity right now. And and really frame it in a way that I'm asking for this time out so that I can better hear you because this is important to me, and I do care, rather than I just need space because you're too much, and I don't want to deal with this right now, which is not going to land very well. So don't be afraid to ask for the time out if you need, but serve up the, you know, when and where we're gonna come back to this and follow through on that. Okay? Don't just wait until they raise it, or don't try and get out of it somehow. You know, be respectful of what you've said and and of them by coming back to the conversation when you said you would. Okay.
[00:14:16]:
So those were the 3 tips for avoidant attaches on better conflict. I hope that that's been helpful, both for those avoidant folks who are listening, but also for their anxious partners. Maybe you can listen to this together or or share it with your partner. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who do leave reviews and ratings on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. For anyone who wants to watch rather than listen, a reminder that these are all uploaded to YouTube, and if you wanna go and like and subscribe there, that is hugely helpful as I am trying to build a YouTube channel. It's very humbling to start from scratch on a new platform. But, yes, thank you for all of your support, and I hope to see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:19:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment styles, avoidant attachment, conflict resolution, relationships, relationship tips, insecure attachment, healthy relationships, anxious attachment, emotional regulation, avoidant behaviour, communication skills, relationship coaching, attachment patterns, avoidance in relationships, anxious partner, avoiding conflict, emotional support, relationship dynamics, conflict management, relationship satisfaction, relationship struggles, practical guidance, understanding partners, managing conflict, attachment coaching, relational harmony, attachment awareness, emotional connection, relationship podcast, relationship tools
3 Tips for Anxiously Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
In today's episode, I'm sharing three tips for anxiously attached people to improve the way they approach and experience conflict. We cover things like slowing down and saying less, keeping things to one issue, and knowing when to leave the conversation and let things go.
Be sure to tune in next week for Part 2 where we cover tips for avoidantly attached people in conflict!
In today's episode, I'm sharing three tips for anxiously attached people to improve the way they approach and experience conflict. We cover things like slowing down and saying less, keeping things to one issue, and knowing when to leave the conversation and let things go. Be sure to tune in next week for Part 2 where we cover tips for avoidantly attached people in conflict!
3 Tips for Anxiously Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
Navigating conflict in relationships can be challenging, especially for those with an anxious attachment style. When emotions run high and misunderstandings abound, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and invalidated. However, with the right strategies, it's entirely possible to foster healthier, more productive conflict. Here are three actionable tips that can help.
Slow Down and Say Less
One of the most critical steps for managing conflict as an anxiously attached person is to slow down. When emotions are heightened, the body's natural stress response can kick in, propelling us into fight-or-flight mode. This physiological state can lead to racing thoughts, elevated heart rates, and a desire to react quickly.
Slowing down means taking a moment to breathe, grounding yourself before responding. It might involve taking a brief walk, practising deep breathing exercises, or stepping away from the conversation momentarily. The idea is to give yourself space to calm the nervous system and approach the conflict from a clearer, more centred place.
Equally important is the tip to say less. When anxious, there’s a tendency to over-explain, justify, or bombard the partner with a torrent of words and emotions. This barrage can overwhelm the other person, especially if they have a different conflict style. A measured, concise approach is often more effective, giving your partner room to process and respond thoughtfully.
Keep It to One Issue
In the heat of the moment, it's tempting to bring up a laundry list of grievances. While it might seem like a good idea to address everything at once, this can be counterproductive. Focus on resolving one issue at a time to avoid overwhelming your partner and muddling the conversation.
Choose the most pressing concern and stick to it. Clearly articulate what the specific issue is, how it makes you feel, and what you'd like to see change. This targeted approach makes it easier for your partner to understand and address your concerns, leading to more effective problem-solving.
Additionally, addressing one issue at a time helps in creating a sense of progress. When a specific concern is resolved, it builds trust and confidence that other issues can be tackled successfully in the future. It sets a positive precedent for future conflicts, showing that issues can be managed constructively and efficiently.
Know When to Let Things Go
Anxiously attached individuals often struggle with letting go of conflicts even after they've been addressed. It's common to revisit the same issue repeatedly, seeking assurance and validation. However, constantly reopening resolved matters can be frustrating for both partners and may hinder the overall relationship dynamic.
Learning to recognise when to let go is crucial. Once an issue has been discussed, and a resolution is in place, practice self-awareness and find ways to comfort yourself. Trust that your partner's efforts to address your concerns are genuine and that continuous nitpicking isn't necessary.
This doesn’t mean burying your feelings or ignoring unresolved problems. Rather, it’s about practising discernment to know when a conversation has reached its natural conclusion and when it’s appropriate to move forward.
Bonus Tip: Show Appreciation
For partners who lean more avoidant, engaging in conflict conversations can be particularly challenging. Acknowledging their effort to stay engaged can go a long way. Expressing gratitude for their willingness to discuss difficult topics not only creates a more positive interaction but also encourages them to remain open in future conflicts.
Simple statements like, "I appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me," can help foster a sense of mutual respect and understanding. It signals that their efforts are noticed and valued, which is essential in building a cohesive, supportive relationship.
Implementing These Tips
Implementing these strategies doesn’t guarantee a conflict-free relationship, but it does pave the way for healthier and more effective communication. Remember that change takes time and patience, both for you and your partner. Small, consistent efforts in adopting these tips can lead to significant improvements over time.
Slowing down gives room for more thoughtful interactions, while saying less helps prevent overwhelming your partner. Focusing on one issue at a time leads to more targeted problem-solving, and knowing when to let go prevents unnecessary rehashing of conflicts. Showing appreciation helps in recognising each other's efforts and maintaining a positive relational tone.
By practising these tips, anxiously attached individuals can find healthier ways to engage in conflict, ultimately creating a more secure and harmonious relationship dynamic.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself speaking rapidly and intensely during conflicts? How does this influence the way your partner responds to you?
Reflecting on the concept of saying less in conflict, how do you feel you could benefit from expressing yourself more concisely? Are there specific situations in which this might be challenging for you?
When you're experiencing internal pressure in your relationship, do you tend to mentally rehearse what you want to say? How do you think this impacts the actual conversation when it happens?
How do you usually feel after a conflict with your partner? Do you often achieve a sense of resolution, or does the conversation feel unfinished? Why do you think that is?
Do you find it difficult to keep conflicts focused on one issue? How does bringing up multiple grievances at once affect the dynamic between you and your partner?
What are some ways you can practice slowing down your physiological response during a conflict? How might this change the outcome of your interactions?
Consider the idea of letting go. Are there times when you struggle to feel reassured or comforted by your partner's attempts to address an issue? How do you usually respond in those moments?
Reflect on a recent conflict with your partner. How did your attachment style influence your approach and reaction? What might you do differently next time based on Stephanie's tips?
In what ways do you show appreciation for your partner's effort during difficult conversations? How could expressing more gratitude potentially change the conflict resolution process?
How do you perceive your partner's needs and responses during a conflict? Could practicing empathy and patience in these moments improve your relationship dynamic?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
📣 FLASH SALE: Get my Better Boundaries masterclass for just US$30 (usually US$88)
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to have better conflict as an anxiously attached person. So I'm gonna be sharing with you 3 tips for changing your conflict patterns in your relationships. And I should say at the outset that this is going to be part 1, and next week's episode is going to be part 2 for avoidant attaches. So fear not. It's not something that you, as an anxiously attached person, need to solely fix in your relationship, the way that you experience conflict, I am going to follow it up with some tips specific to avoiding detachment. Because I think that while there are certainly general principles of better conflicting communication that most everyone can adopt and benefit from, I do think that this specific experience that you're likely to have and the things you're likely to struggle with can very much depend on your attachment style and attachment patterns and the strategies that go along with that.
[00:01:29]:
And so I think it is helpful to delineate between more anxious and more avoidant patterns in giving out advice on conflict. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. As I said, I'm going to be giving you 3 tips if you are someone with anxious attachment who wants to be able to have conflict in a way that doesn't feel so high stakes, so intense, maybe really long and drawn out, but ultimately doesn't really give you the relief that you're seeking. That's certainly a very common experience among folks with anxious attachment, is that there's anxiety and conflict avoidance in the lead up to conflict, but then once you're in it, it kind of goes on forever and ever without really giving you any sort of sense of satisfaction or true resolution. So hoping that I can give you some tips today on just small changes that you can make that will have kind of a knock on effect. And as with all of these things, we can only change our part of the equation, but oftentimes, that's all that's needed to then create a different relational environment, a different kind of vibe in the moment and in a broader sense that allows for a new way of doing things relationally. Before we get into all of that, I wanted to share that healing anxious attachment is coming back in a few weeks' time. For those of you who are new, Healing Anxious Attachment is my signature program, and it is everything that I know and teach about the journey from anxious attachment to a more secure way of being in oneself and in relationships, distilled down into an 8 week program.
[00:03:06]:
If you are interested, this is going to be the 8th round of the program. Over 2,000 people have gone through this course, which is pretty amazing. I have to pinch myself sometimes when I hear that. But if you'd like to be part of this next cohort, I would love to have you in there and I would love for you to join the wait list via the link in the show notes where you can head straight to my website to do that. And that will guarantee you exclusive early bird pricing and, you know, making sure that you are notified as soon as registration opens at the end of the month or or early next month. I haven't finalized dates yet. But I would love to see you there if you're at all interested in not only really deep insights into why you are the way you are and you struggle with the things you struggle with, but also really practical concrete tools for you to learn a new way of being that is likely to get you closer to what you're looking for in secure relating. So all of that is linked in the show notes.
[00:04:01]:
You can also just head straight to stephanierigg.com and, yeah, I hope to see you there. Okay. So without further ado, let's talk about anxious attachment and conflict. So I might just set the scene a little. I do have previous episodes on conflict and anxious attachment, so you can keyword search those if you want to go deeper into that. But let's set the scene. So for most people with anxious attachment, as I said, there is this combination of oftentimes conflict aversion to a degree.
[00:04:32]:
So there might be a tendency to keep the peace, to not want to rock the boat, to kind of walk on eggshells or tip toe around someone from this place of, I just have to be easy, I don't want to be too needy, I don't want to be too sensitive, I have to be low maintenance. But of course, we know that's not honest or true, and so, internally, the pressure is rising and rising. And you've got all of these internal narratives going on about my partner doesn't care about me, and is it always gonna be like this, and what about my needs, and all of that. And then eventually, inevitably, something will happen, and all of this internal pressure will come flying out. Often times in a way that, for your partner who may have no idea of what's going on inside of you, for them it might seem like a total mismatch in terms of what's actually going on in the moment. And of course, as we know so often when we are really activated or triggered by something, we are responding to so much more than just what is happening in that moment. It comes with the weight of not only our history in that relationship, but our history in previous relationships, our family system. Our wounded parts can really come out with a vengeance when we are triggered in our relationship.
[00:05:46]:
So, that often happens for anxiously attached people. They can be this big blow up, and it can come out as quite attacking and accusatory and blaming. This sense that if I can just convey to you how much pain I'm in and how much pain you are causing me to be in, then you'll change. So if you're not immediately validating of me, then I just have to keep going and keep convincing you. Or maybe I escalate so as to convey to you how much pain I'm in, so that then it'll finally click for you, and then I won't have to be in pain anymore. As we know, that usually doesn't work, as much as it can feel like second nature to many of us with that pattern. If you have a more avoidant partner, or even if you have a broadly secure partner, it's not a very productive way of doing conflict. And more often than not, that kind of attacking critical style can very often elicit defensiveness in someone else, which then leaves the anxious person feeling invalidated and emotionally abandoned, which then leads them to kind of up the ante, and so on and so forth.
[00:06:48]:
We know how that goes. So let's go into these three tips that I want to give you. Now these are not going to be a panacea. It's not like you can implement these things and all of a sudden conflict's going to be a cup of tea for you and it's going to be really easy, but I do think that these things can help a lot. So the first one is slow down and say less. Okay? So if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns, you know that you probably go a 1000000 miles an hour, both in terms of the internal experience of your body. So physiologically, you're likely to be very much in your sympathetic nervous system, so that fight or flight zone of heart racing, heat. It feels like your body's kind of on fire.
[00:07:29]:
You might feel really clenched up and pupils dilated, all of those signs of, like, a full blown stress response. And that will be telling you to speed up. Do something, do something, do something. Right? But that's not really helpful in conflict because your partner is going to perceive you in that way. Imagine if you were interacting with another animal, like a dog, that was really worked up, you're immediately going to respond by feeling like, oh, I need to have my wits about me in interacting with this animal because they're really on edge. Same goes for us. Right? We often forget that we too are animals. But that's true, right, that we're very perceptive to each other's nervous system.
[00:08:10]:
So if yours is going, like, full pelt, really hyper activated, very stressed in a fight response, then that's not going to play well. You really need to consciously slow down, consciously fight against that pattern within you. And whether that means taking a break and doing something with that energy that isn't sending it in your partner's direction, like, you know, going for a run or or doing something to discharge the energy. Or if you feel you have capacity to, consciously down regulating if you, you know, have those tools at your disposal. But either way, just slowing down, right, is really important. Being able to have conflict in a more measured, grounded way is going to make a world of difference. And related to that is say less. Okay? So anxiously attached people, typically, and I say this as someone who's so guilty of it, by the time you get into actual conflict with your partner, chances are you have rehearsed what you're gonna say.
[00:09:08]:
You've had the practice conversation a 1000000 times over. Maybe you've been out on a walk, and you're talking to yourself about what you're gonna say and how you're gonna say it, and all of this stuff, you've given a lot of thought to having that conversation. You've been really, like, stewing in how aggrieved you feel for a long time prior to voicing it to your partner, and what that means is, like, when you finally have the stage, when you finally got your opportunity to say this stuff that's been really heavy inside you, usually it all just comes, like, flying out, and you've got a lot of words and you keep talking and you keep trying to say it in the right way so that you can persuade them, so that you can elicit the validation that you're looking for. There might be some protesting in there. All of this stuff, right? But, again, you're going at a 1000000 miles an hour and you just keep talking. And not only is that just kind of a lot to deal with and not particularly helpful, but when we layer over that that your avoidant partner doesn't operate in that way, they haven't been rehearsing the conversation, they don't have their full speech prepared, and they are probably going to be really overwhelmed by being hit with that barrage of information and emotion that is coming from you, because their baseline in conflict and we'll cover this in next week's episode when I talk more about avoidant attachment in conflict but their baseline in conflict is actually to slow way down. And again, that's a function of their nervous system, that's not something they're trying to do, but they tend to, like, space out and go numb and kind of be lost for words. And so when you have person a who is speaking at a 1000000 miles an hour and having a lot of emotion and getting really riled up, and person B who, at the best of of times struggles to find the right thing to say, those tend not to play very well against each other.
[00:10:57]:
So by saying less and slowing down, giving your partner an opportunity to find their words and not feel like they're under attack and under a lot of pressure from someone who's kind of explosive towards them, that's probably gonna lead to a much better way of doing things and much more productive where you're actually likely to be able to hear each other. Then if you're just bombarding them at a 1000000 miles an hour with so much analysis and information and opinion and emotion, that's going to be a lot for them to take in. So slow down. A kind of related point to that, which I'll just add quickly before I move on to the next one, If your avoidant partner is silent, you know, who you've asked them a question and they're sitting there in silence, and it looks like they're kind of thinking about it, try to resist the urge to say, well, aren't you going to say something? Or something like that. Right? Getting really impatient with them and wanting them to have the perfectly formulated response or kind of meet you at your pace. I think that can happen a lot, and again, just adds to that sense of, like, pressure and attack that isn't going to be conducive to a productive conversation. So try to be patient, slow down, say less. Okay.
[00:12:08]:
So the next tip that I want to give you on better conflict is keep it to one issue. So I think the temptation can be there for so many anxiously attached people to kind of come in with their whole shopping list of grievances, right, of all the things they want their partner to change. And I think this stems from that tendency that I spoke about earlier, which is when I have the opportunity, like when we're in conflict, when we're having a serious conversation, that's my window of opportunity to raise all of these things. And because I struggle to raise them in real time, I tend to internalize these little micro ruptures and moments of hurt or disappointment or whatever it might be. Because we file those away and then we stew on them, then when we are in conflict, it's really easy to see that as our moment, to then go, hey, but what about this thing? And last week, you did this, and I don't think I've forgotten about that, or, you know, all of these kind of extraneous things that aren't really directly related to the conversation or the issue at hand. Again, this is generally really counterproductive because your partner is just going to feel like you're not actually trying to solve what we're doing here. You're just trying to attack me. Right? I'm trying to meet you in issue number 1 so we can have a productive conversation about it, but it feels like you just wanna fight.
[00:13:31]:
Right? That's how it's gonna feel to the other person when you just kind of jump from lily pad to lily pad in terms of this issue, that issue, all the things that I am upset with you about that I've been harboring, that's likely gonna feel really overwhelming and demoralizing to your partner, particularly if they lean more avoidant because they're just not gonna know how to respond to that, and they're going to feel like a failure. They're gonna feel like a disappointment to you. They're gonna feel like nothing they do is good enough. There's no point. Why do I bother? Look how up you are with me all the time. Like, nothing I do is enough for you. Right? Those are all the sentiments that tend to come from that kind of pattern. So, as hard as it is, and I know it is hard because I know you don't want to have these conversations all the time, and so when you do get the opportunity, it is really tempting to just sneak in all of those other things that have been bothering you.
[00:14:27]:
Try not to. Try to just let that go and trust that in dealing with the problem at hand, you're much more likely to at least get resolution on one thing. Whereas the more issues you try and incorporate and kind of layer on top of each other, you're probably not gonna get anything resolved, and you're gonna walk away from that feeling less heard, less validated, less understood, which is obviously not what we want. So keep it to one issue if you can. Okay. The third tip that I want to give you is know when to let things go. So again, it's kind of related to the previous point around keep it to one issue. But, for anxiously attached people, the tendency is for these conversations to go on and on.
[00:15:08]:
Again, I get it. I can be guilty of that, of never really feeling like it's enough. If my partner is there and says, like, yes, I understand. I hear you. It's really hard sometimes to believe, like, but do you really understand? Do you really hear me? What are we gonna do about it? Right? There's this difficulty in just accepting the resolution, and, you know, not trusting that the issue is resolved or that your partner does really understand you. And so you kinda keep pushing and keep pushing and wanna relitigate and reopen every single aspect of the conversation, kinda keep testing. Again, in the same way as when we try and raise a 1000000 different issues at once, can leave our partner feeling kind of demoralized. I think when we can't just let it go and let near enough be good enough, You know, we're, like, wait until we have absolute assurance that we have the perfect solution, and we're never gonna have to deal with this again.
[00:16:09]:
I think that approach can be quite demotivating and discouraging for our partner who might be really genuinely trying to meet us in whatever it is that we're upset about. But when we are kind of dismissing or overlooking their genuine attempts, at validating us, at making a commitment to try and do something differently. When we're not really acknowledging them in that, then that can make them feel like, well, I give up. Right? Why bother? So I think there is really something to be said for knowing when to just let it go. It doesn't mean that you have to let the issue go forever, but just knowing when to leave the conversation and, you know, allow yourself to take in whatever your partner has said. Allow yourself to receive that reassurance rather than doubting it and trying to kind of chip away at it or undermine it. Again, I think that struggle with, like, really receiving and really feeling comforted by someone is very real among anxiously attached people. As much as we can ask for reassurance, oftentimes we're not very good at taking it in or believing it.
[00:17:21]:
So try and see the goodness in what your partner is trying to do. Try and see where they are making an effort to propose a solution. Even if you don't think it's the perfect solution, at least honor and acknowledge the effort. That's really much more likely to get you to a more positive overall relational environment. So do try and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Do try and let things go when you can, and bring things back to a place of connection, acknowledgement, appreciation. And, you know, as a kind of little bonus tip at the end, I think it can be really positive, particularly with an avoidant partner who knows struggles having these conversations at the best of times. Voice your appreciation for them showing up to the conversation.
[00:18:08]:
Say, I know that you don't like having these conversations and I really appreciate you staying in this with me. I really appreciate you taking the time to try and understand or hear me out or whatever. Because that will help them to feel seen and acknowledged as well. Okay. I hope that's been helpful. I hope it's given you some food for thought. If you're someone who struggles with these things, I know it's really tough. I've been there.
[00:18:35]:
Sometimes I still am there. But it's all about just trying something new, taking ownership for the ways in which we contribute to the patterns that we find ourselves in, and even if we change it 1% every time we have one of these conversations, that's progress and worthy of celebration. So as I said, hope it's helpful. Sending you lots of love and make sure to tune in next week for part 2 where I talk about what avoidant attaches can do to improve their conflict experience. Okay. Thanks, guys.
[00:19:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, conflict resolution, relationship advice, attachment patterns, avoidant attachment, relationship coach, conflict communication, insecurity in relationships, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, emotional abandonment, conflict aversion, fight or flight response, sympathetic nervous system, stress response, conflict avoidance, micro ruptures, relationship dynamics, partner validation, conflict patterns, relationship tips, emotional regulation, nervous system regulation, conflict intensity, relationship satisfaction, secure attachment, healing anxious attachment, attachment styles, relational environment, relationship struggles.
3 Fights Every Anxious-Avoidant Couple Has Had
In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.
In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
The Dynamics of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships: Common Conflicts and How to Navigate Them
Anxious-avoidant relationships are particularly common and notoriously challenging. The attraction between someone with an anxious attachment style and another with an avoidant attachment style often results in a dynamic where each partner’s needs and fears can exacerbate the other’s insecurities.
The Conflict Over Details
One prevalent source of friction revolves around the need for details. The anxious partner typically craves information and clarity – where their partner is going, who they are spending time with, and what their plans entail. This desire for details stems from a need for assurance and a sense of control, helping mitigate anxiety about the unknown.
In contrast, the avoidant partner may find these questions intrusive and feel their privacy and autonomy are being infringed upon. They often prefer to keep certain parts of their lives separate, which can lead them to be vague or non-communicative. This behaviour is not necessarily about hiding something but rather about maintaining a sense of independence.
Navigating the Conflict: Begin by recognising and empathising with where each person is coming from. For the anxious partner, it's understanding that vagueness isn't inherently suspicious. For the avoidant partner, offering a bit more detail can quell anxiety without impinging on their independence. A balanced approach, where both parties communicate their needs and agree on what level of detail is comfortable to share, can ease this tension.
The Abrupt Exit During Conflict
Another common fight occurs when the avoidant partner exits a serious conversation or conflict. They might abruptly stop the discussion, citing work or another distraction, which leaves the anxious partner feeling dismissed and undervalued. The more the avoidant disengages, the more the anxious partner might react with heightened emotions, perpetuating a cycle of conflict.
For the avoidant partner, leaving the conversation can be a coping mechanism to avoid escalating emotions and preserve tranquility. They might genuinely need to attend to other commitments or simply feel the conversation is going around in circles without resolution.
Navigating the Conflict: The key here is mutual respect for time and space. Agreeing on a suitable time for serious discussions ensures that both partners are fully present and can engage constructively. If a conversation becomes too heated, agreeing to pause and reschedule it for a calmer time can prevent hurt feelings and further escalation. It’s crucial for each partner to express their needs calmly and assure the other that the conversation is important and will be revisited.
The Clash of Love Languages
Love languages – the myriad ways people express and receive love – often become a battleground in anxious-avoidant relationships. Anxious partners might crave words of affirmation and physical affection, feeling loved through constant verbal and tactile reassurance. Avoidant partners, however, might demonstrate love through acts of service, quality time, or even gift-giving, which can seem less direct and tangible to their anxious counterparts.
This divergence can lead to misunderstandings where the anxious partner feels neglected or unloved because the avoidant partner doesn’t frequently express love in the expected ways. The avoidant partner might feel unappreciated, believing their efforts are unnoticed or undervalued.
Navigating the Conflict: Understanding each other’s love languages is a powerful step toward reconciliation. Open conversations about what makes each partner feel loved and appreciated can reveal underlying needs and foster empathy. Encouraging both partners to occasionally step out of their comfort zones to meet each other’s needs can build a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.
Building a Compassionate and Secure Connection
The essence of navigating these conflicts lies in fostering mutual understanding and empathy. Recognising that each partner’s behaviours are rooted in their attachment styles can shift the perspective from blame to understanding. Engaging in dialogues with a compassionate mindset and striving for a balance between personal needs and the relationship’s wellbeing creates a foundation where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.
Creating a positive relational environment encourages vulnerability and helps each partner feel safer to express themselves. In a space devoid of constant blame and defensiveness, it becomes easier to appreciate each other’s efforts and intentions, paving the way for deeper connection and secure attachment.
By approaching each conflict with empathy and a willingness to understand, anxious-avoidant couples can transform their relationship dynamics, moving toward a healthier and more resilient bond.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you recognise any patterns in your past or current relationships that reflect the anxious-avoidant dynamic? How have these patterns impacted your relationships?
When you’re feeling anxious in a relationship, do you often seek detailed information and reassurance from your partner? How do you think this affects your partner and your relationship?
If your partner appears avoidant and values their privacy, how do you generally react? Can you identify times when this reaction has led to conflict?
Reflect on a time when you or your partner ended a serious conversation abruptly. How did that make you feel? What steps could both of you take to navigate these situations more peacefully in the future?
How do you and your partner generally deal with arguments about spending quality time together? What love languages do you feel most connected to, and how do you express them?
Think about a recent conflict in your relationship. Was it about an underlying issue rather than the immediate problem? How can you address the root cause rather than the symptom next time?
Consider the concept of "creating a culture of appreciation" in your relationship. How often do you acknowledge your partner’s efforts to show love, even if it’s not in your preferred love language?
Do you find it challenging to understand or appreciate your partner’s need for autonomy and space? How might you work on developing more empathy and flexibility in this area?
Reflect on how you feel when asking your partner for emotional reassurance. Are there ways you can communicate your needs without making your partner feel overwhelmed or interrogated?
How do you typically balance your needs for security and certainty against your partner’s needs for space and independence? Can you identify any strategies to maintain this balance more effectively?
Feel free to reflect on these questions in your journal or discuss them with your partner to gain deeper insights into your relationship dynamics and the ways you can grow together.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking about 3 fights that you've probably had if you're in an anxious, avoidant relationship. If you've been in an anxious, avoidant relationship in the past, or indeed if you embark upon a relationship in the future with an anxious, avoidant dynamic, you're likely to have some version of these conflicts. So for anyone who is new here, who's uninitiated in this language, when I say an anxious, avoidant relationship, I'm referring to a relationship between someone who leans more anxious in their attachment style and someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment style. This is a very, very common pairing. It's very common for people with these attachment styles to be drawn to each other. And yet there can be a lot of challenges in that dynamic because, you know, on the surface, at least your attachment needs and wounds tend to sit at opposite ends of the spectrum.
[00:01:22]:
And it's really easy if you're not conscious and not aware to just trigger the hell out of each other. And, you know, for each of your habitual responses to reinforce the other person's fears and insecurities and thereby really embolden them and their protective mechanisms, their protective you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so hard and why do we keep fighting about these things? I'm hoping that you'll feel very seen by today's episode, particularly by the specificity of some of the examples that I'm going to give. But also, I suppose, to peel back the layers in some of these conflicts, because the fight is never really about the thing that you're fighting about. It's almost always about something deeper, symptomatic of some unmet need or some fear or insecurity that you're being brought into contact with. And our romantic relationships have a real knack for bringing us into contact with those things. And we tend to be most sensitive in that arena to anything that feels threatening to our sense of safety, our sense of self, which we derive from our relationship, at least in part. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today, giving free examples. It's a little bit lighthearted.
[00:02:34]:
It's not intended to be a really serious conversation today. So hopefully you'll have a little chuckle and I feel not only validated and seen, but maybe take it in good humor as well. That's my hope anyway. Okay. So before I dive into that, a quick reminder, this is the last week that you can take advantage of the 50% off sale that I've been running since being on maternity leave. I'm gonna wrap that up on the 30th June. So if you are interested in saving 50% on any of my courses or masters, head to my website and you can take advantage of that with the code, hey, baby, all 1 word. And particularly in keeping with today's theme around anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those and trying to build a more secure foundation within an anxious, avoidant relationship, which I'm a big advocate for my course Secure Together, which I recorded with my partner, Joel.
[00:03:25]:
It's a really comprehensive course that will help you and your partner if you decide to do it together and to understand each other better and ultimately to love each other better, which is what we're all trying to do here. So, if today's episode resonates with you, definitely check out Secure Together and say 50% with that discount code, hey, baby. Alright. So the first of these common arguments or pain points that you're likely to have encountered if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic is an argument about details. And in particular, an avoidant partner not giving details about where they're going, what they're doing, being sort of vague or cagey. At least that's how it's likely to appear to the anxious person about it might be where they're going. It might be who they're talking to. It might be who's going to be somewhere.
[00:04:13]:
So, you know, to paint the picture a little, your partner might be, you know, catching up with friends on the weekend and, you know, you, the anxious partner, might ask them, oh, where are you gonna go? And your avoidant partner might say, oh, I'm not sure yet. Full stop. And you might then say, what do you mean you're not sure yet? Oh, I just don't know. We haven't made a plan. Or I don't know. I'm not the 1 organizing it. And you might then say, as the anxious partner, well, haven't you asked them, how do you know where you're gonna meet them? And you might sense your avoidant partner becoming increasingly agitated with the line of questioning. You might then pivot to, well, who's going to be there? They might say, I don't know.
[00:04:49]:
And similarly, you might say, well, what do you mean you don't know? That kind of level of back and forth around giving details or not giving details. So why might this be triggering for someone with more anxious attachment patterns certainty and information and details allow you to feel some level of control, right? Vagaries and uncertainty and blank space is a total breeding ground for your anxiety. And particularly in circumstances like the 1 that I've just walked through, you're likely to go to a worst case scenario of they're hiding something from me. They're, you know, cheating on me. There's gonna be someone there that they shouldn't be seeing all of these things. And now I want to be really clear, because I know I'll get people saying, but what if that's true? And what if I've had that experience? And I'm not at all meaning to invalidate those fears to the extent that they are grounded in reality? I'm really talking here just about that dynamic of anxious partner really wanting a lot of information, needing that information to feel safe. And so grilling their partner or kind of interrogating a partner, continuing to like, pick and go back in for more and push and press and then finding resistance in their partner and using the fact of that resistance as evidence that there's something being hidden or concealed. And so escalating that attempt to, you know, draw blood from a stone to pull out information from them.
[00:06:17]:
And, you know, again, on and on that spirals because you're convinced that they're deliberately concealing or hiding something from you. Now, why would that be an issue for the avoidant partner? Why would they avoid a partner not just give you all of the details that you want? So let's kind of walk around to the other side and look at things from their perspective. We know that avoidant partners really value their privacy, their independence, their sense of autonomy. They will often, particularly earlier in a relationship, be quite protective of different parts of their life and keep them quite siloed. So say they were going to a work function. They might not want to give you all of the details about that. And they might deliberately keep that kind of vague because they don't think that it's relevant for you to know. They don't understand why you would need to know all of that because that's a different part of their life.
[00:07:07]:
Now I understand that if you're more anxious, that just doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't really make sense to me either as someone who does tend more in that direction and would freely give that information. But I suppose the point is that it's not always sinister, right? It's not always concealing something because there's something to hide that is dishonesty or keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of, keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of protecting their energetic space, and kind of keeping a level of autonomy rather than feeling intruded upon and feeling like you are seeking to insert yourself into every aspect of their life. So there can be this sense of, you know, a safe distance that they maintain by keeping details vague, by not being really over sharing about every little aspect of other parts of their life that they don't necessarily see as being relevant to you. Now that's not to say that you have to be okay with that. So on both sides, anxious partner doesn't have to just be okay with vague detail, with not being included in other aspects of their partner's life or being kept at arm's length. I think particularly as a relationship goes on, it's totally understandable that you would want to be included in different aspects of each other's lives and feel like you have at least some level of insight into that rather than feeling like you're being kept away. But equally, I think that having the understanding around where that might be coming from can allow you to approach the conversation to the extent that you feel you need to have a conversation from a more compassionate place rather than an accusatory 1.
[00:08:56]:
Because I can assure you that if you go in with an accusation, essentially, you know, what are you hiding from me? Why won't you tell me? Then your partner's only going to retreat further, feel even more intruded upon, and that's gonna exacerbate the dynamic. Now from the avoidant partner's perspective, I think, you know, your work here in this kind of argument is to understand that the more you give, the less your partner's going to go into that mode of intruding upon you or, you know, interrogating you, which is probably how you feel. I use that word kind of loosely or in inverted commas, because I know that that's how you're likely to feel as the more avoidant partner. Like, why are you harassing me? Why do you need to know this doesn't concern you? That protective stance that you're kind of adopting there is actually making it worse. So if you can see things from your partner's perspective and understand that that little bit of extra detail or informational context provides a lot of safety to relax into giving you your space without needing to feel like they have to investigate, you know, pry you open for information. That's, you know, a really nice and I would say relatively easy give, that will actually, you know, your fear story probably tells you that that's gonna be some slippery slope and then you're never gonna have any privacy or time or space yourself again. It's usually the opposite outcome. You'll actually have more freedom, more time and space yourself because your partner is not gonna be so paranoid.
[00:10:24]:
Okay. The next fight that you've probably had some variation of is if you're already having a fight or a serious conversation about something, and the avoidant partner starting to get restless as will often happen. And then they say something along the lines of it's not a good time or I have to get back to work or I have to go and do something. And so they essentially, like, abruptly leave the serious conversation because they've got some other thing to do. Now if you're the anxious partner and you were already upset or worked up, and then your partner says, I've got to go and do this work thing and it goes and gets their laptop out and starts doing something else. That's gonna feel incredibly rejecting and dismissive. Right? It's gonna feel like, how could you possibly be thinking about something else? How can you just switch gears like that? You must not care about this thing that we're talking about at all. You know, you're just trying to come up with some excuse to get out of this conversation.
[00:11:25]:
And so for the anxious partner, that's probably gonna fire you up and you're probably gonna follow them or just be really, really upset and hurt and possibly angry at your partner for just disengaging like that. And you're going to feel really deep prioritized. Like, if you cared about me, you wouldn't be going to do that thing, you'd be staying and having this conversation with me, right? For the avoidant partner, there can be this sense of, like, this conversation is gonna go on for 3 hours. I don't have time or capacity for it. It's not productive. We're not getting anywhere. We're just talking around in circles. And so I'm gonna go and do the thing that I was meant to be doing at this point in time.
[00:12:04]:
And that for them is a perfectly logical, kind of rational response to allocating their time and energy. They're not doing that to deliberately reject or hurt their partner. If anything, they're extracting themselves with a view to keeping the conflict at bay a lot of the time or not letting things escalate to the point of full blown conflict, big emotions, things that they don't really feel comfortable with. And so in nipping something in the bud or kind of shifting gears, extracting themselves, taking themselves out of the insensitive or inopportune moment. Oftentimes it's just their effort at either self regulating, whether they realize it or not, at preserving some semblance of peace and connection or really just doing the things that they were meant to do. You know, if they are genuinely working to a deadline, that might be as important, if not more important to them, than having some big, drawn out relationship conversation. Again, if you're more anxious, that's kind of unfathomable because being drawn out relationship conversations will always come first. Right? You would happily, cancel your plans and push back a deadline or be late for something.
[00:13:14]:
If something big was happening in your relationship and that needed to be discussed. That's always going to take precedence for you. And, you know, you would happily kinda drop everything else to stay in that until you find the resolution that you're looking for. That's just not true for your avoidant partner. A lot of the time, they don't have that same hierarchy where the relationship just sits like so far above everything else that nothing else matters. And so recognizing that that divergence in approach and how you view a conversation like that and the boundaries and time parameters and kind of staying in it, the presence, again, is not coming from a place of, like, a lack of caring or a deliberate attempt at hurting 1 another. But there are some little tweaks that you can do there to try and prevent that from escalating. Because as I said, there's a good chance if the avoidant partner does extract themselves that the anxious partner is going to fire up and really amplify their attempts at being heard, whether that's by getting nasty or getting really emotional, you know, saying you don't even care about me.
[00:14:17]:
What's wrong with you? I can't do this anymore. All of those sorts of things, which again tend not to help really. They're, you know, really understandable and oftentimes coming from a place of desperation at being seen and heard. Like, if I can just get you to understand how much I'm hurting, then you'll come to me, then you'll change, then you'll behave differently. And it can be so upsetting when that doesn't work because obviously we then tell ourselves, well, you don't care. So what can we do about this kind of fight? I think a really good starting point is not having those conversations unless you've got the time and space for them. So really getting an opt in from your partner. Do you have time to talk about X thing? So you're not kind of ambushing them when they are in the middle of something or when it's not a good time, when they're then likely to get kind of uncomfortable and restless and impatient with the conversation because they weren't in the headspace to have it in the 1st place.
[00:15:07]:
And so I think being respectful of their time and energy when you're having these conversations rather than just launching into something when your partner feels kind of backed against a wall, because that's going to naturally lead them to want to find the exit and then that's going to trigger you. So being respectful at the outset and finding a mutually workable time to have conversations, I think is really a good rule of thumb in any relationship. I would also say, hey, you know, if your partner does start to get restless, agitated, start to kind of pull away or withdraw or start to come up with these reasons why they can't continue the conversation rather than jumping to accusation or blame, maybe say, okay, I understand that when would be a good time for us to finish this conversation off? Because it's really important to me. I know that you've got to do x y zed thing. Maybe you just need to cool off and that's actually really valid and sensible. I would say remembering that there is no point in pushing through a conversation when 1 or both of you are really dysregulated. And that's really hard for the anxious partner who just wants to, like, pull those through at all costs until you find your way to that resolution. But when you're both kind of worked up in your own way, you're very rarely going to find yourself to a genuine kind of resolution to that conflict.
[00:16:23]:
You're not able to hear or see each other. So, respecting that if your partner is needing to pull away from the conversation, that that's actually probably sensible and wise and giving them the space to go and regulate with the caveat of, okay, what do I need out of that? What do I need in order to feel comfortable with you taking that space? Well, I need some assurance that we're gonna revisit this. Tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna come back at some point and you're going to get what you need. And as a little footnote to that, very sensible for you in that time apart, if you do take that space to go and regulate yourself as well, rather than just, you know, sitting on your bed crying and rehearsing what you're going to say to them, because that's only going to get you more and more worked up. Okay. The 3rd and final fight that you've probably had, I'm sure I could have done an episode without 50 of these, but I'm going to leave it at 3 for today is around love languages.
[00:17:18]:
So I've done an episode of on the love languages before and I've mentioned it here and there. If you're not familiar with the term, I'm sure most of you are. But basically that we each have our own ways of giving and receiving love that are most natural to us, that we give love, show love in those ways, and that we perceive others actions as loving. We feel really love when people demonstrate their love in particular ways. And so for anxiously attached people, I mean, I always kind of joke that I think like anxious people can identify with all of the love languages almost because they tend to really want to express love and to have love expressed towards them. It's almost like this bottomless pit of expressiveness around love and affection and care and desire in both directions, but particularly words of affirmation being like given a verbal reassurance that you are loved and cared for and, you know, getting compliments, those sorts of things are likely to really feel very nourishing and reassuring to the anxious partner. Physical affection is another big 1. And so what we often see in anxious avoiding couples is once again, we tend to have quite different love languages.
[00:18:29]:
So for more avoidant folks, you'll tend to see less of those direct shows of affection, like words of affirmation, their physical affection, physical touch and more kind of action based things. More, we might say indirect acts of service, quality time, gift giving as well can be 1 for for avoidant folks. So what you might see and, you know, a common fight that you might have had is around these differences in love languages. So for anxious folks, you probably want your partner to be more expressive to say, I love you more to say, like, you know, you mean so much to me or you look beautiful or, you know, I don't know what I'd do without you or these sorts of things. Right? Just like getting that verbal reassurance. And you probably don't get heaps of that. From most avoidant partners, that's probably not gonna come naturally to them, being so openly expressive about their feelings towards you. And so they might not be very heavy handed on giving out compliments or or, you know, giving out those words of affirmation in terms of endearment, probably not their thing.
[00:19:31]:
And so you might have had some sort of conflict around that. Likewise, you know, around affection, you might reach out and, like, hold their hand and they might pull their hand back. You might give them a hug, and they might kind of stiffen in your arms. They stand there and then pull away, and that might feel very rejecting for you, understandably. On the flip side of that, you might find that more avoidant partners really wanna spend, like, quality time together. And for them, you know, quality time is likely doing activities together, doing new things together, like being out in the world together. And they might get quite restless, The idea of just hanging out at home together, for example, you know, not doing anything novel or exciting, kind of being in a bubble together is probably not gonna meet that need. And so you've probably had some variation of conflict around these different ways of showing love.
[00:20:21]:
And oftentimes, it will be the anxious partner. You can see a theme here. Often the anxious partner is the 1 I don't wanna say initiating the conflict, but I suppose expressing the the need or the sense of lack or the sense that there's an issue that needs addressing. And that might be around, like, you never tell me you love me or you don't even find me attractive or those sorts of things. And when an avoided partner hears that, particularly if they've been making an effort to show love in their own way, so via acts of service, via, you know, spending time together, they're likely to hear that as just like, oh, nothing I do is enough. Right? I try and do all of these things, and you're just over here telling me that I haven't done that thing or haven't done enough of it. And you're asking me to do something that doesn't come naturally to me. And for avoidant people, there's this real sensitive point around, I don't wanna have to do something where I feel forced.
[00:21:19]:
So I don't wanna have to pretend to feel something that I don't feel. I don't wanna say something that doesn't feel sincere or authentic. That feels kind of scripted and awkward to me, they're likely to have a bigger version to things like that. I don't want, you know, engage in physical affection that feels unnatural and and uncomfortable. So, recognizing that there is this aversion to doing that which doesn't come naturally for their point of partner. It's very much out of their comfort zone, and they're likely to be very resistant to it, which is why they're, you know, more inclined to stick to their more comfortable ways of showing love. But you may well have had some conflict around expressions of love and love languages. Now what to do with that, I really recommend if if that is you, then going to listen to the episode around love languages.
[00:22:07]:
From memory, we also cover love languages specifically in the secure together course that I mentioned earlier. I mean, you know, how to navigate those. But I think once again, we have to give our partner the benefit of the doubt on both sides. Like, what's the most generous interpretation of this? And that's not gonna be, well, my partner just doesn't give a shit about me. They just don't care about me. Can I find my way to a more generous interpretation? Can I try to reorient myself from this really strong negative bias to seeing, you know, how my partner does show up for me and making sure that they know that, making sure that they feel really acknowledged again on both sides? And because the more we shift to that kind of culture of appreciation and acknowledgment, the more safety there's going to be and the more likely we are to be able to then take risks because vulnerability doesn't feel so frightening. If we're in a culture of blame and accusation and attack and defensiveness, vulnerability is a really big ask against that backdrop because we feel like we're in constant self protection. So if you can find a way to shift that culture, shift the relational environment towards something that is more positive, and appreciative, then you may just find that your partner is more willing to meet you in the middle or take those risks, step out of their comfort zone because you've created a really secure foundation for them to do that.
[00:23:31]:
Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful for you. As I said, I hope that you felt seen validated maybe by aspects of those. And even if it's not a carbon copy of those exact fights that you might you know, see aspects of yourself and your partner or maybe an ex partner in the dynamics that I've spoken to that can sit underneath those surface level fight. So hopefully that's given you a little bit more compassion and empathy for your partner and also some greater conscious awareness about what drives your own triggers and so that you don't just have to do a rinse and repeat of those painful arguments that tend to drive you further and further apart rather than bringing you closer together, which is, of course, what we're trying to do. And as I said, if you want to go deeper on that kind of conversation, Secure Together is a really great course, particularly so because Joel is kind of co teaching it with me. And so he's there in all of the videos giving the avoidant perspective directly. I had so much beautiful feedback from people's avoidant partners, who've really loved that and felt that it's been really balanced and so has felt less intimidating for them.
[00:24:35]:
It's not just being lectured to by someone who's on team anxious. It's actually really trying to give a voice to both perspectives with a view to helping you understand each other. So, there's a few more days to get 50% off that course if you are interested, and you can do so via the links in the show notes or heading straight to my website. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me. So appreciative of you all always, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:25:04]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, anxious avoidant relationship, attachment styles, conflict, fights, insecurity, building relationships, thriving relationships, conscious awareness, romantic relationships, relationship dynamics, intimacy, fear and insecurity, safety in relationships, attachment needs, protective mechanisms, anxiety, regulation, avoiding conflict, partner dynamics, love languages, words of affirmation, physical affection, quality time, acts of service, gift giving, emotional regulation, relationship communication
Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Balancing the delicate dance between togetherness and separateness in relationships, especially those marked by anxious-avoidant dynamics, is no easy feat. This dance often unearths conflicting needs and sensitivities, leading to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and recurring conflict cycles. Understanding and navigating these tensions can transform the quality of interaction and connection within these relationships.
Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Dynamics
In any relationship, partners often bring their unique attachment styles, which influence their behaviours and needs. Anxious individuals crave closeness and reassurance. They feel secure when they can observe, in real-time, the presence and commitment of their partner. This sense of togetherness, albeit in physical proximity, mitigates their underlying fear of abandonment.
Conversely, avoidant individuals value their alone time as a space to recharge and regulate. This time in solitude is not merely about being alone; it’s about fostering a sense of inner security and independence, enabling them to participate in the relationship more fully when they reconnect.
The challenge arises in the transitions between these states—moving from togetherness to separateness and vice versa.
The Transition from Togetherness to Separateness
For anxious individuals, the shift from being together to being apart can be particularly distressing. This transition threatens their sense of security. They may experience heightened anxiety, often leading to behaviours perceived as clinging or over-involved, like frequent messaging or checking in.
To ease this transition for an anxious partner, small gestures can go a long way. Simple expressions of love and reassurance, such as saying, “I love you, I’ll talk to you tonight,” can significantly reduce anxiety. Furthermore, avoidant partners should be mindful to not exit abruptly without acknowledging their departure. A hug, a kiss, and a warm goodbye before heading to work, for example, can soften the transition and provide the anxious partner the reassurance they need.
Sharing your schedule or the next point of contact also helps. For instance, letting your partner know that you’ll call during lunch or text when you arrive can be exceptionally comforting. These gestures demonstrate respect and understanding for your partner’s needs, curbing the anxious reactions that might otherwise manifest.
The Transition from Separateness to Togetherness
For avoidant individuals, the challenge often lies in transitioning from their cherished alone time back into connection. An abrupt or unplanned return to interaction can feel jarring and intrusive, leading to feelings of overwhelm or irritability.
The analogy of surfacing from a scuba dive or a bear waking from hibernation aptly captures this experience. Avoidant individuals need a gradual re-entry into connection. Respecting this need begins with understanding and empathy. If your partner is immersed in their personal activity, barging in with conversation can be disconcerting.
Instead, send a gentle signal. If dinner is ready in fifteen minutes, let them know in advance rather than demanding their immediate presence. This forewarning allows them to wrap up their activities and mentally prepare for re-engagement.
Creating a smoother transition helps them feel respected and reduces the likelihood of defensive reactions. Consequently, they will likely join you feeling more resourceful and less overwhelmed.
Mutual Respect and Sensitivity
The key to navigating these opposing needs lies in mutual sensitivity and respect. Both anxious and avoidant partners must actively work to understand and honour their partner’s attachment style.
For avoidant partners, this might mean going the extra mile to provide the continuity and reassurance that their anxious partner craves. As detailed, small acts of consideration, like communicating clearly about when you'll next connect, can prevent anxious spirals and enhance a sense of security.
On the other hand, anxious partners should strive to respect their partner’s need for space. Recognising that the alone time cherished by avoidant individuals is not a rejection but a means to maintain their inner equilibrium. By allowing them to transition gradually from their solitude, you contribute to a more balanced and harmonious reconnection.
Mutual efforts in this regard help minimise friction and misunderstandings, reinforcing the narrative that each partner’s needs are valid and respected. It’s about fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel supported and understood.
The Importance of Micro-Moments
Addressing these transitional sensitivities doesn’t just prevent conflict but preserves the bond between partners. Micro-moments of care and respect accumulate over time, building a robust foundation of trust and security. These moments might seem trivial individually, but collectively, they form the bedrock of a resilient and loving relationship.
In essence, it’s about tuning into each other’s unspoken needs and creating an environment where both partners feel valued. Understanding the choreographies of attachment styles and the specific needs they generate is crucial. By integrating these practices into daily interactions, couples can significantly enhance their relational satisfaction and overall bond.
Navigating the balance between togetherness and separateness with care and consideration not only helps in managing anxieties but cultivates a deeper, more nuanced intimacy. This respectful dance, marked by mutual accommodation and understanding, paves the way for a harmonious and thriving relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflecting on your own attachment style, do you identify more with anxious or avoidant tendencies? How do these tendencies manifest in your relationships?
When transitioning from togetherness to separateness in your relationship, what emotions or thoughts typically arise for you? How do you handle them?
Are there specific actions or behaviours that your partner can take to help ease your anxiety during times of separation? How can you effectively communicate these needs to them?
Consider a time when you felt particularly hurt by your partner’s need for alone time. How could a different approach from your partner have changed the way you felt during that transition?
How do you perceive your partner’s need for alone time? Do you view it as a reflection of their independence, or do you sometimes take it personally? How might this perception impact your relationship?
Can you think of ways to show respect for your partner’s need for aloneness, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you? What small changes could you implement to honour their need for space better?
Recall a situation where you might have interrupted your partner’s alone time. How did they react, and how did their reaction make you feel? What lessons can you take away from that experience?
If you live with your partner, how do you handle daily separations, such as leaving for work? What rituals or habits could you establish to make these moments feel more connected and reassuring?
Reflect on a moment where your partner respected your need for connection or alone time. How did this impact your sense of security and trust within the relationship?
Think about previous relationships where these transitional moments caused friction. How might an increased awareness of these dynamics have altered the course of those relationships, for better or worse?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm gonna be talking about togetherness and separateness in anxious avoidant relationships and how to navigate the tension between those conflicting needs that you might have as an anxious avoiding couple. Now full disclosure upfront. I don't know that what I've titled this episode actually accurately captures what I'm gonna be talking about, which is a struggle that I often have. The titles that are catchy often lack nuance. And then if I try and add more nuance to the title, then it sounds a little bit dense and wordy for a quick one liner. So what I'm really gonna be talking about today is less about how to navigate the actual time spent apart versus together, and more sharing a tip, which I think is not obvious, but is incredibly effective and transformative, to soften some of the friction that can arise, when it comes to separating for anxious people and coming back together for avoidant people.
[00:01:33]:
Because if you've noticed, for anxious folks, it is that shift from being together to a part that can be quite distressing. And for avoidant folks, it is the shift from being in their aloneness, in their own time and space to coming back together, which can be the friction point for them. And oftentimes there can be misunderstandings, miscommunications, and, you know, those attachment wounds that we each have can be triggered in those transitional moments in ways that then lead us into conflict cycles that, you know, entrench us into that oppositional dynamic, which we're trying to get away from rather than deeper into. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about that and a really simple but very effective way to hopefully nip that in the bud so that you don't spiral into those dynamics so frequently. And I think really reinforce the stories that you might have around, you know, how your partner feels about you, how much they care about you, how much they respect you, all of those things. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode. Before I dive into that, a reminder that I'm still running a 50% off sale on my courses and master classes on my website.
[00:02:44]:
So if you head to stephanierigg.com, you can look through my full master classes and my two courses, which are Secure Together and Higher Love. And you can save 50% on any of those with the code HEYBABY, all one word. The other quick announcement that I have is just because I am absolutely terrible at reminding people, if you're someone who likes to watch things rather than listen, or maybe in addition to, I have a YouTube channel where all of these podcast episodes get uploaded in full, if you would like to watch. I also have a website for the podcast. This is the one that I'm really terrible at telling anyone about. But there is a full website on attachment.com, which has, show notes, transcripts. It even has, like, discussion questions or journal prompts for every episode. So if you're interested in that additional info, I know some of you, sometimes message me and say that you take notes while you're listening.
[00:03:39]:
So if you'd like to have a bit more of a comprehensive set of notes or or something to work off, if you're someone who likes to go a little deeper into the episodes, head to onattachment.com, and you can find all of that there totally free of charge. Okay. Announcements done and dusted. Now let's talk about this. So as I said in the introduction, we know to be true that for anxious folks, separation anxiety is a point of sensitivity, that, you know, comes from that need for closeness, that fear of abandonment, that sense of when I'm connected with you in the sense of with you, and having that real time observable confirmation that, like, you're here and we're together and everything's okay. I feel good about that. I feel reassured. I'm much less likely to catastrophize and to feel like there's something wrong when I have almost like the evidence here in front of me that nothing's wrong with it.
[00:04:33]:
You know, you're here and I'm safe and you're safe. So that's, as we know, comfort zone for anxious people is that we are together and in that really, like, literal, you're right next to me kind of connection. The flip side of that is that separateness, time apart, can be challenging. And as I said, it's often the transition from togetherness to separateness, that can be hard. And if that's not handled in a way that is taking into account the sensitivities of the anxious partner, then those sensitivities can be amplified or exacerbated. When we look at the avoidant partner, we have, as is often the case, kind of the the other end of the spectrum. So if the avoidant partner, their alone time is really regenerative and important, and it allows them to regulate. It allows them to feel safe and secure, kind of stand on their own 2 feet and, you know, have a sense of groundedness within themselves that then allows them to come to the relationship in a more resourced way that doesn't leave them feeling overwhelmed and kind of burnt out and cornered or or any of those feelings that are common among avoidant people.
[00:05:49]:
And because of that, it can be the transition from their safe space of aloneness into connection that is a bit rough for the avoidant partner. And if that's not handled with care, then again, we can see some of that friction can arise. Some of the stories that the avoidant partner might have about the relationship, about relationships more broadly, about their partner. All of those things can be activated, in that transition from separateness to togetherness. So recognizing that, the really kind of quick and easy tips that I wanna offer you, and it's almost like a it almost feels like a cheat code for anxious avoidant relationships in this particular context, is to pay extra attention to those transitional moments. So if you are the avoidant partner and you are wanting to ease your anxious partner's anxiety around separateness so that they can go into time apart, feeling much more reassured and comfortable and less likely to, you know, hover around you to be this helicopter partner who's messaging you all the time, who's not really respecting the space. Take care to soften that transition by saying things like, you know, I love you. I'll talk to you tonight.
[00:07:11]:
If you're know, spending time with them and then you're leaving or if you live together and you are doing something as simple as going off to work in the morning for the avoidant partner, you might not think twice around, you know, grabbing your bag and walking out the door without saying goodbye. But for the anxious partner, that's probably going to be quite an affront or they might feel quietly hurt that you wouldn't come and find them in the house somewhere. And, you know, give them a hug and a kiss and say, I hope you have a great day, before you go off to work. So if you can pay a little bit more attention to that, rather than just doing the thing that makes sense to you based on, you know, your way of being, that could go a really long way in effecting that transition in a way that is likely to increase, the comfort, the security, the sense of safety for your partner as you go into that zone that is less comfortable for them. So, as I said, just doing little things like telling your partner you love them, giving them a hug and a kiss, telling them when you're gonna see them or when you're next going to talk to them, that's gonna go a really long way in easing the separation anxiety and softening that transition for your anxious partner. Now, the flip side of that for the anxious partner who wants to contribute to the softening of that transition for the avoidant partner going in the other direction, some of the things that you might want to think about, I once heard an amazing analogy. I think it was Diane Pool Heller, who is amazing attachment expert. She gave the analogy that an avoided person coming into connection from alone time is sort of like when you are scuba diving and you're coming up for air and you don't want to do that too quickly because you can obviously have all of these complications associated with it.
[00:08:53]:
So you sort of wanna slowly emerge. It's almost like a bear coming out of hibernation, that you wanna do that gradually rather than in a way that feels really jarring, or intrusive. So examples might be, and, you know, I'll draw examples from my own relationship. I know that if Joel is in his office and he's got his headphones on and he's in the middle of something, if I just go in and start talking at him, he gets really agitated by that. And for me, it's easy to go like, oh, why do you have to be so kind of rude or abrupt or, you know, irritable, in the way that you're responding to me? Because for me, I wouldn't be like that. It wouldn't bother me at all if I was in the middle of something and he started, you know, came into my room and started talking to me. That would be fine. But it really does bother him.
[00:09:41]:
And I have to remind myself that we're different in that respect, that when he is in his aloneness, that that is, you know, more sacred, than perhaps it is for me. And so being a bit more respectful of the bubble that the avoidant partner places themselves in, and recognizing that that's a really important time and space for them. I'm just thinking if Joel listens to this, he's probably gonna be laughing because I don't do a very good job at honoring this at all. But the point stands, it's a really good thing to do, you know, to allow your partner a bit of time to come out of hibernation, so to speak. So, for example, if you do live together and, you know, you're having dinner rather than say you're cooking dinner for your partner, rather than yelling at them and saying dinner's on the table right now. So they need to drop what they're doing and come immediately to you. You might say dinner you send them a text if they're in a different part of, you know, the living space. Dinner's gonna be ready in 10 minutes or something.
[00:10:36]:
So that gives them a bit of forewarning, allows them to wrap up whatever they're doing and shift gears so that they can then join you in a way that, you know, they're a little bit more prepared for rather than feeling like they've been yanked out of their separateness or, you know, maybe if it does take them time to join you, that then you're irritated or upset that they didn't do so immediately. So having a little consideration for the fact that they're going to need a bit more time to come out of that aloneness. And that if you can give them that time, give them that forewarning, and recognize that if you intrude upon their aloneness, and they have a reaction against that, it's really easy for you to then feel hurt or rejected or attacked unfairly, and then, you know, go into all of those stories around, I would never speak to you that way or, you know, I'm just trying to help or whatever the thing might be that you're telling yourself. Again, I am drawing all of these from personal experience as you can probably tell. But I think having that awareness of, like, it's actually not about me. It's about the sacredness of their time. And, you know, spoiler alert, the more respectful you are of their time and space, and, you know, the less you make them wrong for needing it and wanting it and protecting it, so your partner is going to be really, you know, defensive of their right to space. If they feel like you're intruding upon their space all the time.
[00:12:08]:
And you're, you know, blaming them or attacking them or criticizing them for needing that space. So, if you can be respectful of that, if you can honor that, and as I said, this goes both ways. So we want to create this overall sense of, you know, sensitivity and care and respectfulness of the others needs around these transition points. So it might sound kind of simple, but I think that if you both made an effort in each respect, so the avoidant partner makes the effort in, you know, going above and beyond what they ordinarily would in terms of going from togetherness to separateness. So softening those transitions, putting an extra effort to be loving, to be caring, to communicate around when you'll next be in contact or see each other. And I think if the anxious partner then was more respectful around the transition back into connection, you probably eliminate a lot of even if it's not all out conflict, like little moments, like micro moments of hurt that pile up and then turn into, you know, this snowballing resentment that will eventually come out, or eventually, you know, chip away at your connection and leave you feeling ultimately like your partner doesn't care about you, which I think is where so many of these little attachment wounds and ruptures end up. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, short and sweet episode today.
[00:13:35]:
But I think that, you know, even if you're not in a relationship at the moment, it's really a useful little nugget to tuck away. Maybe you can reflect on previous relationships and where you didn't have this awareness and you can go, oh, yeah, I think that would have made a really big difference both to me and to my partner. And obviously for future relationships, knowing about that dynamic, knowing about those sensitivities, I think can be hugely helpful. So, I hope you've learned something. As always, grateful for your support. Oh, actually, that's what I forgot to say at the start. We crossed over 4,000,000 downloads of the podcast last week. So huge, huge thank you for all of your support.
[00:14:17]:
That's a really incredible milestone to hit in, you know, just over 2 years of the podcast. This podcast is independently run and produced and everything. And by independently, I mean me at home in my home office. So to be reaching so many people all over the world, is really quite incredible. And I'm incredibly honored and grateful for your support. So a huge thank you to all of you, whether you are a relatively new listener or you've been here from the start. I'm really thankful for you. Okay.
[00:14:50]:
That's it for me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:56]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious-avoidant relationships, relationships, attachment theory, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, building healthy relationships, overcoming insecurity, togetherness and separateness, avoiding conflict, transitional moments, attachment wounds, softening transitions, separation anxiety, avoidant partner, anxious partner, conflict cycles, Secure Together course, Higher Love course, personal development, relationship dynamics, navigating relationship tensions, relationship advice, communication in relationships, attachment sensitivities, handling separateness, relationship tips, YouTube channel, podcast episodes, journal prompts, show notes, relationship resources
5 Signs You Struggle With Receiving
In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving. For many of us, being the giver in our relationships is our comfort zone - which can lead to imbalances, unmet needs, and resentment. But while we may bemoan the lack of reciprocity in our relationships, there is a vulnerability to receiving that many of us are uncomfortable with. We cover :the tendency to consistently end up in imbalanced relationships difficulty directing asking for what you want or need feeling guilty or burden...
In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving. For many of us, being the giver in our relationships is our comfort zone - which can lead to imbalances, unmet needs, and resentment. But while we may bemoan the lack of reciprocity in our relationships, there is a vulnerability to receiving that many of us are uncomfortable with.
We cover:
The tendency to consistently end up in imbalanced relationships
Difficulty directing asking for what you want or need
Feeling guilty or burdensome when people support or accommodate you
Struggling to accept compliments or praise
Discomfort with being the centre of attention
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Struggling with Receiving? Here Are 5 Signs You Might Be Missing
In relationships, whether romantic or platonic, it's not uncommon to find oneself caught in a pattern of giving without receiving in return. This dynamic can often go unnoticed until it leads to feelings of imbalance and resentment. Recognising if you struggle with receiving is the first step towards fostering healthier, more reciprocal relationships. Here are five signs that might indicate you have difficulties in this area.
Consistently Imbalanced Relationships
A clear indication that you may struggle with receiving is if you find yourself consistently in relationships that feel one-sided. This could be in friendships, familial relationships, or romantic partnerships. If you often feel that you’re the one always giving, accommodating, and supporting while others take without reciprocating, it could be a sign. Such patterns might be ingrained, making it feel natural to be the giver, but it’s essential to realise that healthy relationships involve mutual support and giving.
This dynamic might lead you to mistakenly believe that others are taking advantage of you. However, it’s worth reflecting on how you might be contributing to this imbalance. Are you setting boundaries? Are you communicating your needs? Often, we play a role in perpetuating these patterns by not asserting ourselves or by avoiding the vulnerability involved in receiving.
Reluctance to Ask for Support
Another sign is a real difficulty in directly asking for what you need. Whether it’s emotional support, practical help, or something else entirely, if you find yourself hesitant to make such requests, you might have an issue with receiving. The discomfort might stem from fears of being a burden, facing rejection, or believing that others might resent you for voicing your needs.
You might prefer to wait until someone offers help and feel more comfortable if they've initiated it. Even then, you might go through several rounds of assuring them that you’re fine and that it’s no big deal before eventually conceding to their offer. This hesitance can often be tied to deeper insecurities about your worthiness and whether you deserve to have your needs met.
Guilt When Accommodated
Feeling guilty when someone supports or accommodates you is another hallmark of struggling with receiving. Despite being willing and even eager to help others, you might feel uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. Think about instances where someone has gone out of their way for you. Do you immediately feel the need to minimise the inconvenience or express how unnecessary their help is, even when you appreciate it?
This guilt might be accompanied by inner dialogues questioning your worthiness or worrying about potential negative consequences. It’s crucial to recognise that such feelings are often unfounded and more a reflection of your internal struggles than the reality of the situation.
Deflecting Compliments
If you're quick to deflect or downplay compliments, this too signals a discomfort with receiving. When someone praises you, do you find yourself immediately redirecting the compliment back to them or minimising it by downplaying your efforts? For example, instead of saying "thank you," you might respond with "oh, this old thing?" or "I just got lucky."
Accepting compliments can feel like a spotlight is on you, making the experience feel almost exposed and vulnerable. Learning to simply say "thank you" without qualification is a powerful step towards becoming more comfortable with receiving.
Discomfort with Being the Centre of Attention
Feeling uneasy when you are the focus of attention, such as during a birthday celebration or any event centred around you, can also be a sign. While not everyone enjoys being the centre of attention due to personality differences, extreme discomfort might point to underlying issues with receiving.
This discomfort often stems from an inability to believe that people genuinely want to celebrate or support you. It could be linked to a fear of seeming needy or the deep-seated belief that you must be self-sufficient to be valued and loved.
Embracing the Vulnerability of Receiving
Addressing and overcoming these signs involves delving into the roots of these feelings and challenging the narratives that fuel them. It requires embracing the inherent vulnerability of receiving. This might mean starting small, such as expressing your preferences when someone asks for your opinion, or practising gratitude when receiving assistance or compliments.
Understand that receiving is not a sign of weakness or neediness. It is part of the natural ebb and flow of healthy relationships. By recognising and addressing your struggles with receiving, you open the door to more balanced, fulfilling relationships where giving and receiving are reciprocally rewarding.
Accept that feeling discomfort is part of the growth process. Encourage yourself to sit with this discomfort rather than retreating from it. The more you allow yourself to receive, the more you will see the capacity for generosity and support in others, thus creating a more balanced and enriching relational experience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself frequently feeling imbalanced in your relationships, often giving more than you receive? How does this dynamic impact your sense of satisfaction within these relationships?
How comfortable are you with directly asking for support or expressing your needs to others? What fears or anxieties arise for you in these situations?
Reflect on a time when someone went out of their way to support you. Did you feel guilty or undeserving of their efforts? What beliefs or past experiences contribute to these feelings?
When you receive compliments, do you tend to deflect, downplay, or dismiss them? Why do you think it's challenging for you to simply accept praise?
How do you feel about being the centre of attention or being celebrated by others? What messages about worthiness and vulnerability surface for you in these moments?
Consider the narrative you've constructed about being "low maintenance" or "easy." How does this self-perception affect your willingness to let others take care of you?
What stories do you tell yourself about your worthiness to receive love and support? How do these stories influence your behaviour and interactions in relationships?
How might your fear of being a burden or your concern about others' resentment impact your ability to receive care and support?
Reflect on a recent interaction where you allowed someone to give to you without resisting or minimizing their efforts. How did it feel to accept their support fully?
Identify one small way you can practice receiving this week, whether it's accepting a compliment graciously or allowing someone to do something kind for you. How can this practice contribute to recalibrating the balance in your relationships?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving, specifically 5 signs that you struggle with receiving in your relationships. So receiving is probably not something that you've turned your mind to very consciously.
[00:00:48]:
I think for a lot of us, it's really not. And yet I think for so many people, it can be a real struggle and it can. Keep us stuck in relationships that are really imbalanced, not really knowing why or what to do about it. And as we'll talk about, I think we can often blame the other person for the fact that maybe our needs are not being met or we're not feeling We're responsible in part for we're responsible in part for the creation and perpetuation of a dynamic that feels imbalanced or asymmetrical in terms of contribution or who's being accommodated. Because for a lot of us, as much as we can bemoan the fact that it's always all about the other person, receiving is actually really vulnerable and can be really challenging if that's not the seat that you have traditionally sat in, in your relationships. So let me talking a little bit about that today, and sharing some signs that you might struggle with this. As I think many of you will, I certainly have in the past and still really have to consciously open myself to receiving and drop or resist any feelings of guilt or discomfort that might come with being accommodated rather than being the one who's always accommodating others. Okay. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:18]:
Before we dive into that, just a quick reminder that I'm running a 50% off sale at the moment on all of my courses and master classes. So my higher love breakup course, my secure together couples or relationship course, and then my 4 master classes, which are shorter workshops on specific topics. All of those are 50% off at the moment with the discount code, Hey, baby. So if you insert that discount code at the checkout, you can save 50% on all of those. So if you've been interested in going deeper into some of my programs or workshops, now's a really great time to do that. Okay. So let's talk about signs that you struggle with receiving. Now, the first one is that you often or consistently wind up in relationships, And this can be friendships as well, to be clear, it's not specific to romantic relationships, but you consistently wind up in relationships that feel imbalanced or lacking in reciprocity.
[00:03:16]:
So as I alluded to in the introduction, there's this sense of, I'm always the giver and other people are always taking from me or I'm accommodating them. I am working around their needs and preferences And it's never me who's taking up that space. It's never me who is the one being accommodated, the one whose preferences are being catered to. It feels like I'm always in the support role rather than the one being supported. Now, you might be hearing that and going, why is that my fault, right? Why should I be held responsible for the fact that people are taking advantage of me or other stories like that? And as always, it's not about fault. And I hope that those of you who've been following my work for a while know that I'm not talking in terms of fault and blame. And I think that we really have to try and look beyond that and go, okay, what's actually going on here? And as always, I think that these dynamics, where it takes 2 to tango and they reinforce each other. And so we're not looking at blame so much as in what ways am I contributing to the perpetuation of the status quo here? And I think that when we are consistently winding up in relationships that have a similar look and feel to them in terms of that kind of dynamic of over giving and imbalance and feeling maybe resentful about that.
[00:04:41]:
That's a really good sign that we are part of that, that we are contributing in some way And that that's not just about the other person. I think when you've got the same dynamic over and over again, it becomes a little dishonest maybe to just point the finger at the other person and go, oh, I don't know why I always end up with people who take advantage of me. So the first line that you might struggle with receiving, and I suppose the other side of that coin is that, you know, you maybe give too much is that you always end up in relationships that look like that. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is that you rarely, if ever, directly ask for what you need or ask for support, ask for someone to do something for you. That's something that you really struggle to directly request. And if someone offers, so you're probably much more comfortable with someone offering that to you rather than you having to assert it. And you might find that if someone does offer, you go through a few rounds of pushing back and saying, no, I'm fine.
[00:05:41]:
Don't worry about it. It's really not that big a deal. And other things like that before you eventually might accept whatever it is that they're offering you. So it's only in those circumstances that you can feel okay with someone doing something for you, even if you really want to and you wish you could ask them directly. It might just feel too vulnerable, whether that's because you're worrying that you're a burden, or that they're going to resent doing something for you, or you fear rejection, you fear what would happen if they said, No, I'm not going to do that for you. Whatever it might be, and it might be all of those or a combination of them, that you're much more comfortable with someone going out of their way or giving something to you or taking care of you, supporting you. However, it looks in a given set of circumstances. If they've initiated it, they've offered it, they've insisted against your pushback.
[00:06:38]:
And then finally, you can go, okay, great, thanks. It's like you have confirmation of the fact that they really do wanna do it and they're really happy to, and it's really not a big deal. That kind of alleviates some of your fears or concerns around them going out of their way, which feels uncomfortable and maybe you feel, you know, unworthy or undeserving of that, or you worry, you know, what they're going to really be thinking as a result of having to accommodate you, because that's not a position that you're accustomed to being in. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is related to the previous that you feel guilty when people go out of their way to support or accommodate you. It feels like you've done something wrong or you're anticipating some sort of adverse consequence. And this is even when you wouldn't think twice about doing that for them. Right.
[00:07:31]:
If the circumstances were flipped, if you were in the giving role, there's no way that you would be harboring any resentment or concern about it, or you'd be really comfortable with doing that for them as an act of love, but you really struggle to believe that the same could be true in the other direction. And so you feel guilt or anxiety around receiving when someone is going out of their way to accommodate you. So maybe that's, they've offered to pick you up from the airport at an inconvenient time of day or go out of their way to pick something up at the shops for you. Maybe you've said, oh, don't worry. Only if it's not too hard. Only if it's not too much trouble, all of those things. And then you feel a bit uncomfortable if someone has had to go out of their way to do it. And I think the common thread underneath that is really struggling to believe that you are worthy of other people's efforts, right? That it's all well and good for you to go to those links to show them love and care and support, but you struggle to believe that they love and care and want to support you to the same degree.
[00:08:36]:
So maybe you fear that they're not going to be happy with you, or they're going to punish you in some way as a result of having to take care of you or accommodate you? And so I think there is a little thread there around worthiness and deservingness. Can I really take in someone's love or do I put a ceiling on their expression of love and care for me? Because I don't really believe that it's there or that it's possible. I don't want to be disappointed. So I sort of tell myself and tell them that I don't need it or want it, that I'm fine to take care of myself, that I'm low maintenance, all of these things, when really it's just that I struggle with receiving it. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is that you are quick to deflect or minimize compliments, or maybe you very quickly push it back onto the other person. So for example, if someone says, you look really nice today, you might say, oh, really? I got ready in 5 minutes. And this is just an old sweater of mine and whatever else you downplay it.
[00:09:49]:
You struggle to just take it in and go, thank you. I really appreciate that full stop. Right. Or maybe you push back onto them and go, oh, thank you. Look amazing. Don't talk about me. Look at you. Right? And having the spotlight on you and just taking in someone's praise, someone's compliment feels really, you've got almost naked and vulnerable, in a way that is really uncomfortable for you.
[00:10:12]:
So noticing that, do you struggle to just take the compliment? Someone says, oh, you, you did an amazing job at something. You might find other ways to detract from your own efforts or your own successes. Because again, you worry that there's going to be some sort of consequence attached to just asking in it and just, you know, gratefully accepting whatever someone's offering to you by way of compliment or praise. And the last sign that you struggle with receiving is you feel really uncomfortable being the center of attention. So for example, if you throw a birthday party, you might really feel very uncomfortable with the idea of people coming to celebrate you and it all being about you. I can very much relate to this. I still struggle with it. Don't really like that at all.
[00:11:08]:
And while I think there are personality differences around this, and it's not to say that we all have to become comfortable with being the center of attention and having a surprise party with a 100 people phone in our honor. I think for some of us, it's just never gonna be comfortable and maybe that's okay. It is something to reflect on, do I resist being loved and letting people love me and letting people show up for me and celebrating me. What is it about that that feels so uncomfortable? Do I struggle to believe that people will, or people want to, And where does that come from within me? What might it be like to really allow myself to receive people's celebration or love of me. And so reflecting on that, I think oftentimes we will be pleasantly surprised by how much people do want to show up for us. And if we can allow ourselves to, to let that happen and to take it all in, it can be quite eye opening and maybe vulnerable, but ultimately beautifully reinforcing of how much we are loved and cared for and supported by the people in our lives. And it might go some of the way in dismantling those stories that we have around people not wanting to do that for us. I think whether it's this or any number of other things in our relationships, it's amazing how we're so convinced that our story is the truth, whether that's people don't care about me, people don't show up for me, but we actually never run the experiment because we don't want to expose ourselves to the vulnerability or the possibility of that being true.
[00:12:45]:
And so we deprive others of the opportunity to show up for us. We deprive others of the opportunity to meet our needs or whatever it might be, because we've already convinced ourselves that they won't or they can't. And so it feels less vulnerable to just shut ourselves off rather than open ourselves to that possibility and be pleasantly surprised. So that was 5 signs that you struggle with receiving. I'll quickly recap those. The first was you consistently wind up in these imbalanced or asymmetrical relationships that feel like you're the one always giving and they're the one always taking, and it's never about you. 2nd was you rarely, if ever, directly ask for support or ask for what you need, you only reluctantly accept it if someone else initiates it. And even then you probably push back a bit.
[00:13:37]:
The third was you feel really guilty and like a burden. If someone goes out of their way to support or accommodate you, even in circumstances where you wouldn't think twice about doing that for them. The 4th was you're quick to deflect or downplay or minimize compliments or other kind words that people offer to you. And the 5th one was you feel really uncomfortable being the center of attention or being, you know, celebrated in some way. So if you relate to some or all of those, as I suspect many of you will, I certainly do. The I suppose the work for you is to reflect on where that comes from to notice what is this discomfort really about? I mentioned a few possible sources and you may relate to a number of these, that unworthiness, that feeling of being undeserving, the vulnerability of receiving, worrying that someone's going to resent you or that they're going to be upset at having to accommodate you feeling like a burden and feeling like you have to be easy or low maintenance in order to be lovable. All of these things, which we might not necessarily associate with receiving. As I said in the introduction, it's not something that we talk about all that much or many of us kind of really conscious of.
[00:14:54]:
But I think a lot of those underlying themes and wounds or patterns in our relationships can really show up here and affect the overall climate or environment of our relationships. And I think that when we do wind up in these patterns of where we're struggling to receive and our relationships reflect that imbalance. Invariably, we end up harboring some resentment and feeling uncared for and neglected. And as I said, it's easy to blame the other person when maybe there's a little bit more ball in our court, so to speak. There's a little bit more that we could be doing to recalibrate that imbalance rather than just blaming the other person and feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling abandoned or neglected or whatever it might be. So, there's lots to do there. I mean, there are lots of ways that you can practice receiving and it will be a practice, Or If someone says, what do you feel like for dinner? Rather than saying, I don't mind whatever you want, you might say, I feel like this and asking them to cook you something that maybe isn't the easiest or the simplest option and not feeling guilty about that. Or just noticing if you feel guilty, but not quickly walking back from the edge there.
[00:16:16]:
Just actually allowing yourself to linger in the discomfort of the edge of your comfort zone, because that is really where the growth happens when we can let ourselves sit there and go, oh, okay, the whole world didn't come crumbling down. My relationship didn't end. They didn't reject me. They didn't roll their eyes and tell me that I was a pain in the ass or whatever doomsday catastrophic scenario that we are consciously or subconsciously fearing will come to pass as a result of taking up a bit more space. I think it's always good to run those little experiments. And as I said, be pleasantly surprised by what we might find. I really hope that you've found something of interest in today's episode that it's been helpful for you. And as always, I'm so grateful for your support. And I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:17:11]
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, relationships, receiving in relationships, relationship imbalance, giving and receiving, relationship coach, insecurity in relationships, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, vulnerability in relationships, accommodating others, feeling neglected, overgiving, reciprocity in relationships, asking for support, feeling guilty in relationships, deservingness, receiving love, feeling like a burden, relationship dynamics, seeking validation, emotional support, relationship patterns, self-worth, feeling unworthy, deflecting compliments, being the center of attention, celebrating oneself, feeling undeserving, relationship growth.
"Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?"
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the listener question of "Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?" Wanting to change a partner is something most of us will relate to in one form or another, but it's essential that we understand where this urge is coming from and what it's trying to tell us about ourselves, our partner, and the relationship. Some of the things we cover:wanting to change little things vs big thingshow anxious and avoidant attached people differ in want...
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the listener question of "Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?" Wanting to change a partner is something most of us will relate to in one form or another, but it's essential that we understand where this urge is coming from and what it's trying to tell us about ourselves, our partner, and the relationship.
Some of the things we cover:
Wanting to change little things vs big things
How anxious and avoidant attached people differ in wanting to change their partner
Changes that relate to core relationship needs
My advice when you're hoping they'll change without any signs that they want to
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Is it Wrong to Hope My Partner Will Change?
Many people have, at some point in their relationships, wished that their partner would change in some way. Whether it’s wishing they would be more affectionate, communicate better, or even change trivial habits, it’s a common thought. But is it wrong to have these thoughts and desires? Let’s delve into this complex topic and consider some nuanced perspectives.
Understanding the Desire for Change
It’s entirely human to harbour feelings of wishing for change in a partner. Recognising this can alleviate some of the guilt or shame associated with these thoughts. Everyone has moments of frustration or dissatisfaction in a relationship, and at times, it’s easy to believe that if a partner just altered a specific behaviour or trait, things would be perfect. These thoughts are normal, yet it’s crucial to reflect on them rather than act impulsively.
Self-Reflection: Is It My Issue or Theirs?
One primary aspect to consider is how much of the desire for your partner to change stems from your own issues. This self-inquiry involves questioning whether the traits that bother you are minor quirks or fundamental behaviours deeply affecting the relationship. Often, criticisms of a partner may actually mirror unresolved issues within ourselves. For instance, wanting a partner to adopt your way of doing things might highlight a need to control or even deeper insecurities.
Differentiating Between Minor and Major Changes
Not all desired changes in a partner are created equal. Discerning whether the things you wish to change are small annoyances or significant issues is vital. Minor quirks, such as how a partner dresses or eats, often shouldn’t hold substantial weight in the relationship’s overall happiness. However, major issues, like a partner’s unwillingness to communicate or recurring destructive behaviours, merit more serious attention. Asking yourself whether these changes impact core relationship needs or fundamental compatibility can provide clarity.
Evolving Perspectives Over Time
It’s also useful to examine whether these frustrations and desires for change have always been present or if they are recent developments. Initial attractions to certain traits can evolve into frustrations as relationships progress. Traits you might have found endearing initially, such as spontaneity or passion, could later feel like unpredictability or relentlessness. Understanding this shift can help you determine whether the change in perception is rooted in other underlying issues within the relationship or personal growth.
Are You Seeking Change for Connection or Distance?
Our attachment styles often influence how we perceive the need for a partner to change. Those with anxious attachment may want changes to feel more secure and solidify the relationship, seeing it as a solution to all problems. Conversely, those with avoidant tendencies might use the desire for change as a distancing tactic, proving that incompatibility exists. Recognising which attachment style may be driving these feelings can help you address the root cause more effectively.
Impact on Core Relationship Needs
When considering changes, it’s vital to differentiate between personal preferences and fundamental relationship needs. Some aspects, such as a partner's refusal to engage in meaningful dialogue or perpetual irresponsibility, could genuinely be deal breakers. Reflecting on whether you could maintain a fulfilling relationship if these aspects remain unchanged is paramount. If the inability to change would significantly impact your happiness or well-being, it’s a significant point to consider.
Realistic Expectations and Willingness to Change
It's important to establish whether there has been any indication of a partner's willingness or ability to change. True and lasting change often needs to originate from within the individual being asked to change. If a partner is only making superficial changes to appease demands, it may not result in long-term satisfaction for either party. Genuine, intrinsic motivation to improve or adapt certain behaviours is necessary for meaningful change.
Accepting or Moving On
Ultimately, evaluating whether you can accept your partner as they are is crucial. Holding on to unrealistic expectations for change can lead to perpetual dissatisfaction and resentment. If fundamental needs are unmet and there is no mutual willingness to work towards meaningful change, it might be time to reassess the relationship’s viability. Acceptance of a partner’s true self, along with honest communication about non-negotiables, is key to a healthy relationship dynamic.
Embracing Humility and Self-Growth
Embarking on this self-reflective journey is an opportunity for personal growth. Discovering more about what drives your desires for change can lead to a deeper understanding of your own needs and insecurities. This humility and self-awareness can enrich not just your romantic relationships but all interpersonal connections.
By maintaining a balanced perspective on the desire for change in a partner, you can foster a more compassionate and realistic approach to relationships. Whether it leads to a deeper connection with your partner or a realisation that it’s time to move on, this exploration can ultimately guide you towards more fulfilling and authentic relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself frequently wishing your partner would change certain aspects of their behaviour? If so, what are these aspects and why do they bother you?
Reflect on whether these desired changes in your partner are fundamental traits or more superficial quirks. What does this reveal about your expectations and tolerance within the relationship?
How do you differentiate between constructive feedback and being overly critical of your partner? What impact do you think your approach has on the relationship?
Consider a time when you felt frustrated with your partner's behaviour. Can you identify any underlying unmet needs or insecurities within yourself that may have contributed to this frustration?
Think about the aspects of your partner that initially attracted you to them. Have these traits changed over time in your perception? What might this shift indicate about your evolving needs and expectations?
In what ways do you take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being, independently of your partner? How could this practice help ease relationship tensions?
Ponder the question: If the things you wish would change about your partner never did, could you find peace and contentment in the relationship as it is? Why or why not?
How do you handle situations where there is a fundamental disparity between your core relationship needs and your partner's behaviour? What strategies could help bridge this gap?
Reflect on any instances where you've projected your unhappiness or dissatisfaction onto your partner. What steps can you take to address these feelings within yourself before placing them on the relationship?
How do you and your partner communicate about needed changes and growth within the relationship? What improvements could be made to foster a more supportive and understanding dialogue?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering the listener question of, is it wrong to want my partner to change? I think that this is a predicament that a lot of us will relate to to varying degrees at different points in life and in relationships. Is that niggling voice in your head that starts to feel really critical of your partner, maybe in a general sense, or specific things that they do. But having that sense of if they just change this thing, then everything would be different, or then I'd be more attracted to them, or then all my needs would be met and we wouldn't be fighting or we wouldn't be disconnected or whatever it might be. But this feeling that the problems in the relationship or the way that you're feeling towards them originate with them and, you know, needing them to change is kind of the roadblock standing in the way of your happiness or your satisfaction, your peace, whatever it might be. So I think it's a feeling that a lot of us will relate to. And as always, I think that it's important to inquire and get curious with, you know, how much of this is my stuff? How much of this is telling me something about the relationship that needs my attention? Is there anything there for my partner to action and sifting through that in a way that really allows us to have a bit more clarity rather than just following those voices and those stories in our head that can lead us to, you know, not very nice or constructive behavior within our relationship when we are in that mode of judgment and criticism and maybe even being a bit manipulative, trying to change our partner.
[00:02:09]:
And I think that as we'll get into sometimes there can be some, you know, egoic drives in there where we're kind of self centered and, whether we realize it or not, they can be an arrogance to wanting our partners to change because often we want them to change to be more like us. So taking responsibility, taking ownership for all of those things and, getting clarity around it, I think is really important because so much of the time, our relationship, our partner, the way we're feeling about those things is just a mirror or is feedback, that's pointing us towards something within us that needs some love and care. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to be offering you some thoughts and some guiding questions that might shed some light on that dynamic as it applies to your relationship. Before I dive into that, a super quick reminder that I am offering a 50% off sale on all my master classes and courses on my website. You can use the code, Hey, baby, all one word, to save 50% on those, which is to celebrate the birth of my baby, which was 1 month ago today. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around wanting to change partner.
[00:03:21]:
Now, as I often do at the start of an episode, I just want to almost give a bit of a permission slip to be human here. I don't think it's something we have to beat ourselves up over this desire to change a partner. I think it would be dishonest for someone to say that they've never had those thoughts or those urges or those moments of frustration where you just wish that your partner were different in some way that they, you know, acted differently, presented themselves differently, coped with things differently. And so I think that, you know, giving ourselves the grace and cutting ourselves some slack for being human in having those thoughts and urges is important. Always wanting to be compassionate. That, of course, doesn't give us permission slip to act on those impulses or those urges. And I think that's where we really need to take responsibility and go, okay. How am I acting out here? Am I being critical? Am I being nitpicky? And what kind of culture is that creating in my relationship? Is it really a culture that is inspiring of growth and change, in, you know, a positive direction? Or is it creating a culture of disconnection, and, you know, disapproving judgment? All of those things, which, you know, if you have ever been on the receiving end of, tends not to be terribly inspiring and, you know, it leads to more disconnection.
[00:04:44]:
So as I said, I'm going to offer you some questions to get a bit more clarity around this wanting to change your partner, because I think that this can arise in a lot of different circumstances. You know, it might just be feeling almost like the ick towards your partner, which some people relate to. I think almost people with more avoidant tendencies tend to experience more of that ick than people with anxious tendencies. I think that people who have more anxious attachment tend to wanna change their partner in ways that they see as solidifying the relationship. So if there's any sense that the relationship disconnected in some way or the relationship is lacking, It's really easy to pin that on what's wrong with the partner and tell yourself the story that if they were different, then everything would be solved. And so changing your partner becomes, you know, the solution to all of your problems. Whereas, I think that, for more avoidant folks, changing your partner or being critical of your partner, is more of a distancing strategy. It can feel like if they were different, you know, we'd be a better fit.
[00:05:52]:
And the fact that they are like that, and I feel this sense of resistance or criticism or judgment towards them is proof that we're not meant to be together. So we can see that what starts as a similar seed kind of grows in 2 different directions as is often the case, with these, you know, different attachment patterns and styles. So the first question that I wanna put to you around, you know, this wanting your partner to change is are the things that you're wanting to change about your partner, little things or big things? So is it, you know, little quirks that they have, you know, the way that they dress or the way that they eat or the music that they listen to, you know, things that are kind of peripheral to who they are, but, you know, nonetheless make up parts of them. Are those things irking you or is it big things like, you know, fundamental to their relational dynamic? Is it that they refuse to talk about relationship issues or, you struggle to have any sort of constructive as they're showing up in their relationship or just as themselves, that you are taking issue with and you're wanting them to change. So I think, you know, naturally, if it's the little things that are bothering you, I think we have to, I don't know, query how important those things really are. And I think that when we fixate on those little things, it's usually pointing us to something within us, a perfectionism or some other rigidity or desire to control, or perhaps an unmet need there. And we're using those little things as almost a scapegoat for, you know, a way to validate how we're feeling in a deeper sense. So, big things or little things, then we maybe need to go to the next step, which is, have I always been bothered by these things or is it a recent development? So if you've always been bothered by these things, I think that's a very different scenario and a much less common one than if it's a recent development.
[00:08:07]:
And if it's more recent that you've started to have this sense of frustration or, you know, resistance, criticism, judgment, disapproval of your partner, then reflect on what else is going on. What's the backdrop to this, that might give me more information as to, you know, accompanying unmet needs, things that are going on in the relationship that are leading me to project this onto my partner, and wanting them to change. You know, what else accompanies this? Because I think that much of the time, what you'll find is the things that you end up being frustrated about in your you weren't bothered by initially. You know, I often give the example, you know, you might be really attracted to someone's spontaneity, but 6 months or a year into the relationship, you're pulling your hair out with frustration at the fact that they can't stick to a plan. You might be really attracted to someone's passion and that they have really strong opinions and they're really engaged. But down the track, you might find it frustrating that they can't just let anything go, or they always have to have the last word or some other expression of that trait. You might be really attracted to someone's self discipline and really admire that about them only to subsequently become frustrated with the fact that they're too uptight and rigid and you wish that they'd just lighten up. So getting curious around, like, have I just changed the way that I relate to aspects of them that were always there and maybe even aspects of them that I once really appreciated? Or, you know, is there something else here? And I think as a bit of a hint, oftentimes, we're attracted to someone else, expressing a trait that we don't have or that we've suppressed or judged within ourselves.
[00:10:07]:
So you might really admire someone's ability to be the center of attention and to be really confident in social settings because that's not something that comes naturally to you. And it's maybe something that you really wish you could embody. But while that's attractive to you in the first place, in the first instance, when you meet them, down the track, you might notice the same parts of you that suppress that or a critical of that within yourself. Start to you know, arc up and, and express those same criticisms towards them. And so you wanna suppress that in them the same way that you suppress it within yourself. So I think that getting curious around like, oh, how, where is this come from this sense of criticism that I feel towards my partner, and wanting them to change? Am I wanting them to just be more like me? And is that really what I want? Because as much as we can tell ourselves the story that, if they were more like me, then everything would be easier. You'd probably also experience a loss of attraction if that were the case, because much of the time it really is our differences, that allow us to complement each other and to work really well as a team and to maintain that sense of separateness that can fuel attraction in a relationship, as much as particularly if you're more anxious, the desire to merge and enmesh into one unit can really be there. And that can be almost like a form of safety that if we're just kind of melded into 1, then we're inseparable.
[00:11:39]:
And that makes me feel safer. It tends to not actually be conducive to a really healthy, thriving relationship. Okay. The next question that I wanna offer you is, do the things that I want to change or that I'm hoping will change in my partner relate to my core relationship needs? And relatedly, if things never changed in that respect, could I make my peace with that or would that be a deal breaker? Now, this is obviously a big question, and we're getting more into the territory here of really foundational stuff rather than, you know, it annoys me the way that they do their hair or don't do their hair or something trivial. You know, is there something really fundamental to the relationship here that I'm hoping will change, that goes to my ability to be happy in this place, in my life with them. Is that what I'm hoping will change? And I think this can get a bit murky and challenging, because so many of us, you know, I've been guilty of this absolutely persistent relationships where there is this kind of abstract hope of something changing, things are gonna get better, you know, next month, next year. And, you know, in the meantime, we persist in dynamics that are really dissatisfying. And there's just like a real lack of connection, a lack of joy.
[00:13:08]:
You know, there's really stuff missing there. And I think oftentimes, even though we make it out to be very complicated, most of the time, you know, deep down when there's something that's not right about the relationship, when there's something missing. And that's not always to say that you need to walk away at that point, but where the relationship is really fundamentally not meeting your needs and it kind of never has, there's never been a sense that it's been right, but you've just always been pushing and pushing and telling yourself that like, you know, at some abstract future point, everything's going to be different. Notwithstanding the fact that there's kind of no evidence pointing to that ever coming to fruition. I think that's when we have to start getting honest about how healthy or constructive it is for us to be holding on to this, you know, hope that our partner is going to change when there's really nothing pointing to that actually happening. When that change is related to something that's pretty foundational to our sense of, you know, joy, peace, well-being. I think it's also important to say there, again, it kind of relates to what I was speaking about earlier. We can often project things onto our partner and make it their responsibility to make us happy, and tell ourselves that, you know, when they change these things, then I will be happy.
[00:14:25]:
And again, I think that, you know, if you've not historically been great at taking care of yourself at, you know, living a vibrant life without a partner being that source of vibrancy for you, then it's really easy to pin that on them and, and blame your lack of vitality or lack of joy or lack of peace, on what might be missing in the relationship. So it's always this really delicate balancing act, and it's such a nuanced conversation of what is really something that we want our relationship to be giving us in terms of kind of life force, versus what we need to be sourcing for ourselves and then allowing our relationships to be, you know, a beautiful addition to that rather than the source of it. And again, I think there's no clear cut answer here. And I'm probably not speaking to, you know, people who are on the edge there. It's probably more situations like, you know, a relationship that I was in, where I was really fundamentally not happy. My needs are not being met. The relationship was just not what I wanted. And yet there was some part of me that thought that, you know, it was going to get better, even though it just wasn't.
[00:15:41]:
And I was expecting that to come from my partner changing, you know, kind of magically becoming someone that he wasn't. And, you know, that was a recipe for me staying stuck there for a really long time. So I think that asking yourself that question of if things never changed in these material respects, and I'm hoping they will, would that be okay Or would that be a deal breaker if you told me in 5 years time that this part of your relationship, this aspect, this conflicts that you keep having on repeat, is still going to be there or, you know, your partner is still going to be behaving in this way that you find to be really problematic. You know, if that was still the case, then would that be a deal breaker for you? And I think if the answer is yes, it would be a deal breaker for me, then you have to ask the question of, well, has my partner indicated any willingness to work on this thing that, you know, we can recognize is causing an issue in our relationship. And again, if the answer is no, then we have to do a bit of a reality check on, well, am I just, you know, hoping that something's going to change when there's no reason that it would? You know, if days are going by and weeks months are going by, nothing's changing because nothing's being done. And it's something that's really fundamentally important to me. And I've made that clear to my partner. If there's no movement towards change that's originating with them.
[00:17:16]:
And I really do believe that as much as we can, you know, express a desire or a need in a relationship, if it's asking someone to make changes within themselves, that's got to come from them in the sense that they've got to have some intrinsic motivational desire to make that change in order for it to stick in any substantive, meaningful, long term way. If it's just you telling someone they have to do something and they are reluctantly agreeing in order to, you know, get you to stop nagging them or just to restore some sort of peace. But they don't actually deeply agree or they don't want that, I can all but guarantee you that that's not gonna be the solution. Or, you know, if they don't understand what the problem actually is and they're just kind of agreeing with you, then there's probably not gonna be the change that you're looking for, and there's a good chance that you'll just keep spinning around in those cycles. So really reflecting if it is something that's non negotiable, if it's big, and it's, you know, a deal breaker for you potentially, if it weren't to change, then has there been any indication from your partner that they're actually, you know, willing, able to make those changes. And, you know, what's the plan, what action are they taking and, you know, what have they done to show to you that, they really get it and it's really important to them as well, independent from it just being something that you've told them they have to do as some sort of ultimatum or condition of being in the relationship. Because as I said, those things tend not to stick. So that was a lot.
[00:19:01]:
I hope that you've managed to follow that web of questions and different permutations of this dynamic of changing a partner. As I said, in the introduction, there's sort of different bits there and different scenarios that that speaks to whether it's just the nitpicky things that might point us, you know, to something within ourselves that needs our attention, maybe where you're projecting onto our partner because we're feeling a bit disconnected from ourselves, from our own vitality, and we're making that about them. We're kind of blaming them for the way that we're feeling, in which case that's really good information and something that we can work with. If it's bigger things, if you're really unhappy in the relationship, kind are kind of deal breakers for you or non negotiables, I should say, in terms of, you know, your willingness to be in the relationship, then I think we have to get really clear around, you know, how realistic that hope is, and whether there's any accompanying action or plan or, or kind of evidence, upon which to be, just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are going to get better. Just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are gonna get better. You know, at some future point, next week, month, once we get past this milestone, then everything will be better. But if there's nothing to actually support that, then I think we do have to get a bit honest with ourselves and, you know, say, can I accept this person as they are? And if I can't, then is this the right relationship for me to be in? And I think that can be a really eye opening, and humbling inquiry to go down. So I hope that this has been helpful as always.
[00:20:54]:
So grateful to all of you who tune in, who leave reviews and feedback on Spotify and Apple. I read every single review and comment. I'm always so, so grateful for your kind words and support. It means the world to me. Thanks so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:15]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, insecurity, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, partner change, listener question, critical partner, relationship problems, unmet needs, relationship solutions, judgment, criticism, manipulative behavior, egoic drives, self-centered, ownership, relationship feedback, love and care, guiding questions, master classes, courses, relationship dynamics, relational needs, criticism resistance, anxious attachment, avoidant tendencies, relational change, deal breaker, relationship reflection
How to Not Lose Yourself in a New Relationship
Are you someone who tends to go from 0 to 100 at the start of a new relationship? In today's episode, we're exploring how to not lose yourself when you start dating someone new (although the advice also applies to people already in an established relationship who feel they've lost touch with themselves). This dynamic is particularly common among those with an anxious attachment style, who tend to become overly fixated on a connection at the expense of other areas of life.
Are you someone who tends to go from 0 to 100 at the start of a new relationship? In today's episode, we're exploring how to not lose yourself when you start dating someone new (although the advice also applies to people already in an established relationship who feel they've lost touch with themselves). This dynamic is particularly common among those with an anxious attachment style, who tend to become overly fixated on a connection at the expense of other areas of life.
Tune in for tips on how to pace yourself in the early stages of a relationship so that you can deepen into a connection in a balanced, sustainable way that sets you up for long-term security and success.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Maintaining Your Identity in New Relationships
When embarking on a new romantic journey, the excitement can be palpable. The rush of dopamine when we see their name pop up on our phones, the thrill of getting to know someone on a deeper level, and the joy of crafting future plans together can be incredibly intoxicating. However, amidst this whirlwind of new emotions, it's vital that we don't lose ourselves—an occurrence all too common, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles.
The Excitement of New Love
It's completely normal to feel exhilarated when you meet someone new. This feeling should be embraced as a beautiful part of the dating experience. However, it's crucial to balance this excitement with the maintained presence of your own life and interests. Otherwise, this attachment can quickly become overwhelming, leading to potential neglect of personal responsibilities and relationships.
The Risks of Losing Yourself
For those with an anxious attachment style, the urge to merge lives immediately can be tempting. This might manifest as a disregard for personal hobbies, excessive availability, or even modifying behaviours to please the new partner. Such actions often result from an underlying fear of loss or rejection, driving individuals to immense lengths to secure their new relationship.
However, this enmeshment can lead to relationships developing at an unsustainable pace, often not reflecting the true depth or potential longevity of the connection. Moreover, it exposes one to heightened vulnerability should the relationship alter or end, as their entire emotional ecosystem becomes dependent on its survival.
Preserving Your Identity
Maintaining your own identity within the context of a new relationship is crucial. Here are practical steps to ensure you stay true to yourself even as you navigate the complexities of a new romance.
Continue Pursuing Personal Interests
Keep engaged with your hobbies and interests. Whether it's painting, hiking, reading, or other activities that foster your sense of self, continuing these can provide a healthy balance in your life. These activities not only nurture your well-being but also make you a more interesting and well-rounded partner.
Keep Your Social Networks Vibrant
Do not sideline friends and family for the sake of a new relationship. These relationships were part of your life before your new partner and should remain so. Balancing time between your partner and your loved ones is crucial in maintaining healthy boundaries and perspectives.
Communicate Openly and Honestly
From the onset, be clear about your needs and boundaries. This doesn’t mean setting rigid rules for your relationship but rather expressing your feelings, desires, and limits in an open, honest way. Suppressing your true self can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction, which are detrimental to any relationship.
Self-reflection and Awareness
Recognise any tendencies to merge too quickly or intensely in relationships. Awareness is the first step to change, and by acknowledging these patterns, you can make conscious choices that foster healthier relationship dynamics.
Trust the Process
If a relationship is meant to endure, it will not require constant momentum or oversight to survive. True connections will thrive even when both partners maintain their independence and individuality. Trust that taking things slowly can often lead to stronger, more resilient relationship foundations.
Attractiveness of Autonomy
Remember, being an individual with a full, engaging life is inherently attractive. Independence is appealing, and a partner who respects your need for personal space and pursuits is likely one who will foster a supportive and loving relationship.
Balancing the excitement of a new relationship with the maintenance of your own identity is essential. While it's easy to get caught up in the romance, ensuring that you remain true to yourself and your personal values is key to building a sustainable and fulfilling partnership.
Embrace the new connection, enjoy the bliss, but keep your feet firmly planted in your own beautifully complex life. In doing this, you not only maintain your sense of self but also set the stage for a healthier and more balanced relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you found yourself losing your identity in new relationships? Reflect on why this might happen and identify any patterns from past experiences.
Consider the concept of ‘red flags’ discussed in the episode. What might be some personal red flags for you that indicate you are losing yourself in a relationship?
Think about the role of hobbies, friends, and routine in your life. How do you maintain these when entering a new relationship? Do you think prioritizing these aspects of your life could influence the quality of your romantic relationships?
Explore the idea of maintaining boundaries early in a relationship. Have there been times when you didn’t set clear boundaries? What were the consequences, and how could you approach this differently in the future?
Discuss how the excitement of a new relationship can lead to anxiety and insecurity. How can recognizing this early on change how you manage new relationships?
Reflect on times you might have ‘shrunk’ yourself to avoid rocking the boat in a relationship. What did you suppress and why? How did it affect the relationship and your sense of self?
Assess the balance between autonomy and emotional connection in your relationships. Do you find it challenging to maintain your independence while forming deep connections, and how might you better manage this balance?
Consider your approach to communicating needs and desires in a relationship. Are you straightforward, or do you find it challenging? What steps can you take to improve this?
Reflect on the effects of building a relationship based on inauthentic presentations of yourself. What are the long-term impacts of not being true to yourself in a relationship?
Evaluate your recovery process after a relationship where you felt you lost yourself. What strategies helped you reclaim your identity and autonomy?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:32]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the listener question of how to not lose yourself in a new relationship. So this is a pretty common conundrum, I think, particularly among people with anxious attachment patterns. As we know, there is a tendency to really go all in on a new relationship, a new connection that you're really excited about, and that can mean that you neglect other areas of life and can become so laser focused on, you know, the new connection to the exclusion of all else, in a way that crosses over into being maybe not so healthy. So, I think it's a really good question and one that I'm excited to share some thoughts on because I think it'll be relevant to many, many of you who struggle with anxious attachment and notice this pattern within yourself. So, that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder, if you listened to the last episode, that I'm running a 50% off sale, for the next few weeks on all of my master classes and my two courses that are available for sale. So everything including healing anxious attachment, which isn't currently open for enrollment, but you can save 50% off any of those master classes or courses with the code hey baby, all one word, which is a nice little way for me to offer you something while I'm a little less active, while I'm taking care of my new baby, and a way for you to support my work at this very special time if you feel so inclined to. So
[00:02:18]:
okay. Let's talk about how to not lose yourself in a new relationship. So as I said, really, really common, right, that people, and not just anxiously attached people, I should say, I should kind of set the scene a little. I think we need to normalize that new relationships are super exciting for everyone. There's this chemical cocktail that just feels so good, and, you know, the dopamine and, like, all of that, it's just like you know, it does feel like you're kind of intoxicated, by this person, by the excitement, by the pursuit. You know, you light up every time you get a text message from them, and it makes your whole day brighter, and you can't stop thinking about them, and you're so excited to see them next. All of those things. Right? And I don't wanna be, like, the fun police who comes in and says, like, oh, that's all your anxious attachment, and you need to immediately stop all of that because it's bad. I don't think that that's true, true, and I don't think we need to be so extreme in our condemnation of that.
[00:03:21]:
Right? A lot of that is not only normal, but a really lovely part of exploring a new connection. So let's get that out of the way. You don't need to shame yourself for being excited about a new connection. But there is a but. I'm sure you felt that coming. I think we can also acknowledge that for folks with more anxious attachment patterns, it can get a little extreme, the extent to which we are consumed by, you know, this new connection, that feels, you know, not only exciting, but maybe stops us from being able to engage with other areas of our life, or we feel like we don't have interest or capacity to, you know, pay attention at work, or maybe you start canceling on friends, or making sure you're available 247 just in case this new person that you're seeing wants to hang out with you even, you know, in the absence of any actual plans, and kind of really giving over yourself to the relationship, in a way that neglects other areas of life. Now I think the problem with this, in case it's not obvious, is that we can kind of over index on that, and that can not only mean that we take a new relationship at a pace that maybe doesn't match where the relationship is at? You know, we're giving it a level of, you know, attention and intensity, that kind of is a mismatch on how well we know the person, maybe how invested they are in us. But it also makes us really vulnerable to anything going wrong. So, again, I've spoken about this before on the show, but I think where anxiously attached people, in particular, can really struggle is that, you know, you make your whole life about this other person that maybe you've only just started seeing, and all of a sudden, you are kind of your world revolves around them.
[00:05:27]:
You really drop all of the other balls to keep this front and center in your, you know, attention, in your field of vision, then I think that it really raises the stakes and increases the pressure on that connection. Right? So if anything then shifts or changes or, you know, God forbid, the relationship ends, you've got a long way to fall because you've really put that person and that relationship on a pedestal. And, you know, you've maybe neglected the other parts of life that allow you to feel like a healthy, balanced person with, you know, lots going on. When we put all of our eggs in one basket and then, you know, drop the basket, it can feel really devastating, and we can feel really isolated and ashamed and foolish even, if something goes wrong. And I think that then impacts our self worth, which then makes us more likely to do the same thing again next time and so on and so forth. So I think that, you know, the first piece here is knowing that that's something that you do. You know, I've said before I don't really like to use the language of red flags too much, because I think it's a bit overused and, actually, just makes people a bit paranoid and stressed, when they're dating, when they're, you know, on the hunt for red flags. But to the extent that we're gonna talk about red flags, I think talking about your own personal red flags, as in the things that you do at the start of a connection, that, you know, is part of your own pattern of not so healthy relationship stuff.
[00:07:07]:
I think recognizing that, okay, I get really intense and obsessive, and all I wanna do is talk to this person and see this person, you know, I stop working out, or I stop paying attention at my job, or, you know, making plans with friends, or whatever else. I don't ever wanna be unavailable to the new person. All of those things might be part of your kind of red flag profile for yourself, that you can identify and be aware of. So, you know, a lot of the time when people say things to me like, I can't help doing x, I think that, you know, reminding yourself, like, I I I always say to people, like, just kinda drop that story. Right? Stop telling yourself that you have no control and that you can't help it, because I think the more we say that and the more we believe it, it kind of gives us an excuse to just behave in ways that we know are not healthy for us. So, recognising that, okay, yeah, this is part of my pattern. That might be, you know, my muscle memory, my default, but I actually don't have to do that. And, frankly, if I just blindly follow those impulses, then there's a really good chance that I'm gonna get more of what I've gotten in the past.
[00:08:23]:
And if I don't like what I've gotten in the past, then I'm gonna need to do something differently in the way I approach things. And I think for a lot of people, that can feel hard because, again, when you're not only just excited about a connection, but I think with anxious attachment, there tends to be insecurity in there. So it's not just, I'm really excited about this person, but if I don't go at a 1000000 miles an hour, then I'm gonna lose it. It's gonna slip away. They're gonna find someone else. So I kind of need to sink my teeth in and, you know, expedite things to really lock it down, to make sure that, you know, the relationship doesn't go away. I can feel, like, you know, sand slipping through your fingers. So I think that reminding ourselves that, like, if a connection is good and solid and, you know, has the the early signs of being a healthy, secure relationship, it's not going to require, you know, 247 attention and intensity in order to kind of keep their flame burning.
[00:09:28]:
A secure relationship is likely to be much more sturdy and sustainable than that. And I think that, you know, that sense of intensity is usually a hallmark of an insecure relationship more so than a secure one. So as much as it will be uncomfortable, trusting that you can be a bit more, you know, hands off. It's not to say that you have to be, you know, feigning indifference towards this person or being really nonchalant and, you know, cool girl, no worries kind of thing. But certainly, like, trusting that you can do other things, and that it's actually, I would argue, more attractive, to be a person with a full life, who takes good care of themselves and has hobbies and does things on their own and has friendship groups, I think that that is much more attractive than someone who is, you know, willing to drop everything for someone they've just met, and be available 100% of the time and, you know, go with the flow. I don't have any preferences. I don't have anything in my schedule. I'm just here waiting, ready for you.
[00:10:43]:
I don't know that that's as attractive as, we might think it is. So I think that, you know, not losing yourself in a relationship when you have these patterns does require some deliberate, you know, departures from what might come naturally to you. So as I've said, not just dropping everything, continuing to spend time with other people. I think another piece is being really clear from the outside around, you know, what your needs are and what your boundaries are, not in a way where you have to, kind of, storm into a new relationship and, like, set out a charter of all of your needs and boundaries. I think, again, this is one of those areas where we can pendulum swing and go a bit overboard. But just not, I suppose, not, going into that people pleasing mode of suppressing everything in order to earn someone's affection, and then harboring resentment or finding yourself in the situation, you know, a month in, 3 months in, 6 months in, or more, where you've got all of these unmet needs and you've pretended to be fine with lots of things that you weren't actually fine with, and all of a sudden you're in a relationship that's really not making you happy, that feels really inauthentic. And, you know, that's largely of your own creation because you didn't advocate for yourself, and you weren't honest and vulnerable from the outset. So, I think that, you know, that's another version of losing yourself in a relationship, kind of shrinking, we could say, in order to not rock the boat, in order to keep the peace, in order to seem low maintenance and easy and likable, that can really come back to bite us.
[00:12:30]:
So allowing yourself to take up space, to have opinions, to have preferences, to the extent that, you know, those are authentic to you. Trust that the person that you're building a relationship with is gonna wanna know about those things and is going to, you know, want to invest in you enough to, kinda, meet you in the middle rather than feeling like you have to, you know, become very, very small in order to sustain a relationship because that tends not to end very well. So I hope that that's been helpful if you're someone who does tend to lose themselves in a new relationship. Recapping, I think the the key pieces of this are, don't drop everything in your life to make yourself completely available to this new person. You know, really make a concerted effort to continue doing things that make you feel like yourself, whether that's certain routines or hobbies or things that you like to do in your free time, friendships, family, work, all of the things that, you know, are the pillars of your life that, you know, existed prior to this new connection. Don't just abandon all of that because in abandoning all of that, you are kind of abandoning that which makes up yourself and your life. So it's no surprise that you then feel like you've lost yourself in a new relationship if your tendency is to drop all of those things, to orbit around this new person and the new connection. So make a really concerted effort to continue with all of that.
[00:14:04]:
Of course, you can make space for a new person. Of course, you can be excited about them. I'm not trying to steal the joy of the honeymoon period at all, but it can coexist alongside in continuing with those healthy habits. We don't have to, go to the extreme levels of it being 1 or the other. And the second key piece is, you know, make sure that you don't kind of shrink yourself in terms of your needs, your boundaries, your preferences, your values in order to, you know, earn someone's approval or sustain a connection, because doing so is really, you know, it's founded on kind of a mask on inauthenticity. And if that's the basis upon which the relationship is built, then it's not the right relationship. It's, kind of, built on a lie. And, you know, it's a really surefire way to lose yourself in a relationship is to allow that relationship to be built based on a version of you that is not true, and that will leave you feeling very lonely and resentful, and unfulfilled.
[00:15:17]:
So okay. So hope that's been helpful. Thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:26]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment patterns, new relationship, anxious attachment, relationship advice, maintaining self, healthy relationships, listener question, personal growth, self-care, boundaries in relationships, emotional health, relationship coach, nurturing connections, self-worth, relationship pacing, insecurity, dopamine effects, excitement in relationships, relationship intensity, vulnerability, personal development, master classes, relationship courses, self-discovery, maintaining friendships, behaviors in relationships, setting boundaries, codependency, relationship dynamics, personal fulfillment
Reflections on Self-Trust, Control & Surrender
In today's episode, I'm sharing some reflections from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth on self-trust, control and surrender. These are themes that most folks with insecure attachment patterns struggle with, and learning to trust in your capacity to navigate life's ups and downs with confidence and agency is a huge step on the path to building secure attachment.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some reflections from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth on self-trust, control and surrender. These are themes that most folks with insecure attachment patterns struggle with, and learning to trust in your capacity to navigate life's ups and downs with confidence and agency is a huge step on the path to building secure attachment.
For more episodes on building trust, check out:
Ep 124: On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Life Through Self-Trust, Control, and Surrender
In the intricate dance of life, particularly during transformative phases like pregnancy or major life changes, the concepts of self-trust, control, and surrender become profoundly resonant. Each of these elements plays a unique role in how we manage our internal landscapes and external relationships. Understanding and embracing these aspects can lead to a more harmonious and fulfilled existence.
The Essence of Self-Trust
Self-trust is foundational in our journey towards self-awareness and self-compassion. It acts as the inner compass that guides us through life's uncertainties. When we trust ourselves, we believe in our ability to confront and overcome challenges, to make decisions that align with our core values, and to maintain our path even when external circumstances attempt to swerve us off course.
Developing self-trust is not about achieving perfection or eliminating doubt entirely; rather, it's about building a reliable relationship with oneself. It instils a confidence that allows us to navigate fear, stress, and anxiety more effectively. This is especially crucial for those with insecure attachment styles, where fear of abandonment or engulfment can often dictate reactive patterns in relationships.
The Illusion of Control
Control is a seductive illusion that promises safety but often leads to rigidity and fear. It thrives on the misconception that we can safeguard ourselves against all potential harm by managing every variable. However, this is merely a coping mechanism used to comfort anxious minds.
In reality, control can trap us in cycles of behaviour that keep us from genuinely connecting with others or fully engaging with life. Whether it's micromanaging a partner or meticulously planning every aspect of one’s daily routine, over-reliance on control can stifle the spontaneity and authenticity needed for vibrant relationships.
The Power of Surrender
On the flip side of control is surrender, a concept that many might find intimidating. Surrender does not entail giving up or admitting defeat; rather, it involves acknowledging that we are not the omnipotent directors of our lives. It means accepting the natural flow of life, embracing its unpredictability, and being open to outcomes beyond our meticulous plans.
Surrender requires a deep level of trust—not just in oneself, but also in the process of life. It invites vulnerability, allowing ourselves to experience life in its full depth, without the armour of absolute control. In relationships, surrender might look like releasing the need to fix or change the other person, instead accepting them as they are and fostering a mutual growth that respects both partners’ autonomy.
Self-Trust and Surrender in Life’s Challenges
Consider the example of dealing with an unexpected life event, such as an unplanned scenario during a significant life transition. This situation can serve as an opportunity to exercise self-trust and to navigate changes with flexibility and grace. By focusing on what can be controlled — our reactions and our mindset — and surrendering to the process, we create space for resilience and unexpected joys.
Building self-trust empowers us to adapt more easily to the shifts life throws our way. It also softens the edges of our need to control, allowing for a more surrender-driven approach to life's challenges. This doesn't undermine our agency; rather, it enhances our ability to move through life with wisdom and courage.
Embracing Imperfection and Unpredictability
Life is inherently unpredictable, and a part of building self-trust is learning to be at peace with this uncertainty. This means embracing imperfection in ourselves and our circumstances, and understanding that life’s value doesn’t diminish because it doesn’t always conform to our expectations.
Embracing imperfection also allows us to experience greater empathy and compassion towards ourselves and others. It acknowledges our shared human experience, filled with its highs and lows, and can deepen our relationships built on genuine, unconditional acceptance.
Conclusion
The interplay of self-trust, control, and surrender shapes our personal growth and our interactions with others. Cultivating a strong sense of self-trust can mitigate our need for control, paving the way for healthier relational dynamics based on mutual respect and understanding, rather than fear and manipulation. Likewise, learning to surrender to the unpredictability of life can liberate us from the constraints of our own limited perspectives and open up a world of possibilities. In nurturing these qualities, we not only enhance our personal resilience but also foster deeper connections that are built to last.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. Reflect on the moments when you’ve felt the need to exercise control in a relationship or a situation. Can you identify what triggers this need for control? Do you see a connection between these moments and your feelings of security or insecurity?
2. Stephanie discusses the concept of surrendering as part of her birth experience. In what areas of your life do you find it difficult to surrender? What do you think holds you back from letting go?
3. Consider your own journey with building self-trust. What are some key experiences that have either fortified or challenged your trust in yourself?
4. Stephanie mentions the impact of unforeseen changes in her birth plan on her emotional state. Think of a time when something did not go according to your plan. How did you handle the situation? What might this reveal about your relationship with control and trust?
5. How do you generally respond to discomfort or challenges? Reflect on whether this approach has evolved over time. What might have influenced any changes in how you deal with discomfort?
6. Examine your reactions to risks and unknowns in relationships. Do you tend to retreat to safety, or can you embrace vulnerability? How does this impact your relationships?
7. Stephanie speaks about the ripple effects of building a relationship with oneself. Can you think of an example from your own life where personal growth in one area has unexpectedly benefited another area of your life?
8. Looking at your attachment patterns, whether anxious or avoidant, how might these patterns influence your need for control in relationships? How could fostering self-trust help alleviate this need?
9. Reflect on the concept of 'meeting parts of oneself that were previously unknown' as Stephanie describes during her birth experience. Have you had a similar experience where a particularly intense challenge revealed aspects of yourself you weren’t aware of?
10. Think about the balance of planning and adaptability in your life. How do you manage the tension between preparing and being open to unexpected outcomes? How could enhancing self-trust help in balancing these dynamics?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:33]:
A little while since the last episode, which I really apologise for. It was not my intention to have almost a month off, but as some of you would know from Instagram, if you follow me there or you might just have guessed, I had a baby two and a half weeks ago, which was a little bit earlier than expected. I had originally planned to have lots of podcast episodes planned and recorded and scheduled and ready to go so that they would keep rolling on when I took some time off to have a baby. But I think I overestimated how much capacity I would have in those final weeks of pregnancy. And that, combined with the fact that our little boy came a couple of weeks earlier than expected, meant that I didn't have any of those things that I had, hoped to. So we've had a little bit of a break the past few weeks. Everything is going well. Ollie, our little boy, is just gorgeous, and we've been really, really loving soaking up the newborn bubble, which has been so very sweet and exhausting and full on and perfectly lovely.
[00:01:41]:
So, thank you for your patience in this little hiatus that I've had the past month or so, but I'm really glad to be back today to offer some lessons in self trust, control, and surrender, which are themes that I've touched on before on the show, but really have been on my mind in this whole experience of pregnancy, birth, and the first couple of weeks of motherhood. And so, while this isn't an episode about those things, and you don't have to be pregnant or you don't have to have had a baby in order to relate to what I'm going to share, I thought that I'd offer some reflections based on this experience that I've recently gone through. So, you know, I talk a lot about self trust and really how having done the work of cultivating pretty deep self trust, and releasing control, and that's, you know, work that I've done personally over the past few years, how that allowed me to navigate pregnancy and birth, including, you know, certain unforeseen things, things that weren't part of the plan. How that allowed me to navigate those things with a level of trust and confidence and faith in my ability to navigate that, without, you know, crumbling into fear or stress or panic, because something wasn't part of the plan. And, you know, I think that there's lessons in this for most anyone with insecure attachment patterns, because as we'll touch on, I think whether you lean more anxious or more avoidant in your attachment patterns, control is probably something that you lean upon as a way to create a semblance of safety for yourself, when you're feeling unsafe, when you're feeling threatened, when you're feeling out of control. We all have our different mechanisms that we can rely on, whether that's controlling others or controlling our environment, you know, holding others close or pushing them away. But oftentimes, those control mechanisms actually cement us in the patterns that we're trying to shift, rather than actually being constructive in the direction of what we're trying to create now, you know, relationships with ourselves and others. So, gonna be offering some reflections on that today.
[00:04:13]:
Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share that for the next month or so, I decided to run a 50% off sale for all of my master classes and my two courses. It doesn't include healing anxious attachment, which isn't open for registration at the moment, but everything else on my website is 50% off for the next month or so, with the code Hey baby, all one word. So if you are interested in any of those master classes, I've got master classes on building trust, which is sort of in alignment with today's theme, navigating anxious avoidant relationships, boundaries, and also sex and attachment. And then Higher Love, my breakup course, and Secure Together, which is my couples course or relationship course. All of those are 50% off for the next month with the code, hey, baby. So if you're interested in any of those, now would be a great time, and I'll link all of that in the show notes for you. Okay. So let's talk about self trust, control, and surrender.
[00:05:14]:
Now, as I've spoken about so many times before, for me, self trust has been absolutely formative in my relationship with myself. And, you know, that journey for me from insecure attachment, from anxious attachment, to feeling a pretty strong sense of security. Now, as I've said before, that doesn't mean that I never feel anxious, that I never feel stressed, that I never have those, you know, fear driven thoughts. Those patterns are pretty etched in, and those voices can pop up from time to time. But having built up a foundation of self trust has really allowed me to not only navigate those fears, those old wounds within my relationship, but it's had such a ripple effect into my life more broadly. Because I think that oftentimes when we have fear and particularly insecure attachment type fear, the internal dialogue, whether it's, you know, literally there or it's kind of buried underneath whatever the surface level fears are, is, you know, something perhaps gonna happen, and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it. I'm gonna be trapped. I'm gonna be helpless.
[00:06:32]:
I'm going to be alone, and, you know, backed up against the wall with my hands tied, and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it. So for someone with more anxious patterns, it's, you know, might be that someone's gonna leave me or I'm gonna be trapped in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about me, who's never gonna show up for me, and I'm gonna, you know, be fighting against this for the rest of my life, and you're never going to be able to meet my needs. All of those things, the sense of being lonely within the relationship, feeling emotionally abandoned and powerless to do anything the the fear around helplessness and a loss of control tends to be, you know, I'm gonna be trapped in an unfulfilling relationship or an imperfect one where I'm gonna lose myself and, you know, I'm just going to be unhappy and life's going to feel really empty. And that feels terrifying. You know, what if I'm trapped in a loveless relationship or or whatever? And so these different fears around a loss of control and a feeling of helplessness can really be very persuasive, can be very all encompassing. And I think that they ultimately do boil down to a lack of self trust, this sense of, you know, something is going to happen that is beyond my control, and I'm gonna be powerless in the face of that. And I think oftentimes those stories are coming from young parts of us, right, Parts that forget that we have agency, and we have choice, and we have tools available. I think that, you know, that feeling of powerlessness and being kind of small and helpless, is not coming from our wise adult self.
[00:08:23]:
It's coming from something, you know, that goes further back than that. And there's often, you know, if we dig into it, we can find where does this originate within me, this fear story that feels so true and so big and all encompassing. But I think because of that, because that undercurrent of a lack of self trust is so pervasive in insecure attachment, building self trust is really, really key, in shifting those patterns. And that allows us to not only feel more at peace in our relationships, but really trust in the unfolding, trust in, you know, imperfection, trust in the ebb and flow of life, of relationships, rather than seeing every little thing as a warning sign that the worst is coming, you know, that this is exactly what I feared, and it's all gonna unravel. And, again, I'm gonna be trapped. So I wanted to share a little about my recent experience with self trust and and releasing control, arising from my pregnancy and my birth. So I had a really, really beautiful pregnancy. I absolutely loved being pregnant.
[00:09:39]:
I know that's, not everyone's experience, and I know that a lot of people raise their eyebrows at me when I say that. I'm, you know, just 2 weeks postpartum, and I already really miss being pregnant despite having my beautiful baby boy to keep me busy. But I think that, you know, part of that experience of of really loving pregnancy, I was feeling so connected to myself, feeling, you know, very little fear or anxiety around birth itself. I know that a lot of people really struggle with the mindset aspect of birth because there's been, you know, so much fear programmed into pregnancy and birth. And so a lot of people really struggle to trust in that process. But I think for me, I was really excited throughout my whole pregnancy to experience birth. Again, that might sound crazy to some people who, you know, whether you've given birth yourself and it wasn't a good experience or you've not given birth and you, like most people, have just seen the depictions of birth that, you know, dominate mainstream TV shows and and movies and and the rest of it, and it shows birth as being this, you know, horrible experience to be endured rather than, you know, anything positive. But for me, I was really looking forward to the opportunity in birth to meet parts of myself that I hadn't met before, that you know, I hadn't been brought into contact with.
[00:11:17]:
And, like, yes, I knew it was gonna be intense and challenging, but I think that, again, for me, having done a lot of work over the past few years around my relationship with myself, I relate to discomfort and challenge and intensity very differently to how I once did. You know, not that long ago in my life, maybe, you know, 5 years ago, I really shied away from anything that was uncomfortable. I was very happily, you know, nestled inside my comfort zone, and, I just didn't really push it at all. But that also kept my life very small. And so, you know, having done work around this, around building self trust, around building like, faith in my own capacity to navigate hard things, meant that I was really looking forward to that opportunity, to really dig deep and to be, you know, to really be pushed to the edge of what I knew I was capable of and to experience the depth of that intensity, and, you know, stay in that and really prove to myself what what was possible. And so for me, birth was something that I was very much looking forward to. I had been planning a home birth with my beautiful midwife. And for me, home birth was, you know, an opportunity to kind of let birth do its thing without intervention or interruption or, you know, really trusting in my body's capacity to give birth when it felt safe.
[00:13:10]:
Unfortunately, towards the end of my pregnancy, my blood pressure started creeping up. And at 38 weeks, I developed preeclampsia, which is a blood pressure related complication for anyone who's not familiar. And that meant that I was not able to have a home birth anymore. I had to transfer to hospital and be induced, which was really disappointing because I really, really wanted to give birth at home. For me, that was so important to my whole vision around birth and my own sense of safety and trust. And I really didn't wanna have an induction for me. That was just a lot of intervention. You know, giving birth in the hospital, I know that that's a really comfortable environment for a lot of people.
[00:14:00]:
For me, it's just not. And so there were a lot of things about that late change in plans that were stressful for me. And I really, you know, had a lot of resistance and a lot of kind of fear and stress around it. And yet, I knew that if I allowed that mindset to take hold, that sense of this wasn't the plan, this isn't how it's meant to be, it's all gonna go to shit now. You know, I I don't have any control over this. And if I allow myself to kind of panic around that, then I would be giving up a lot of my power. And I didn't wanna do that. So I really had to put myself to the test in terms of mindset, and remind myself that, you know, while this wasn't what I'd hoped for, this wasn't the plan.
[00:14:57]:
There were still things that were within my control. I still had capacity to make certain choices within the new parameters of, you know, the situation, the circumstances. And it didn't have to be this all or nothing thing. It didn't have to be, well, there was plan a, but I can't do that now. So plan b, I just have to completely give up on what I was hoping for and what I wanted. And so I, again, really had to dig deep on the mindset front, and not really allow myself to just crumble into the circumstances that were disappointing to me and that sense of grief around not being able to birth at home. And I really think that, you know, in the end, I I had a beautiful birth in hospital. Again, it wasn't the vision, you know, like being hooked up to a drip and all of those things, were not part of the plan.
[00:15:57]:
But I still had a beautiful, unmedicated intervention free, as much as was possible, birth. And it really did allow me to dig into the depths of myself to come into contact with parts of myself that I didn't know were there. And it was bloody hard. It was really, really intense and, you know, more so than I could have imagined. But it was incredibly powerful, and I really believe that my ability to have that experience was a result of my self trust. And, you know, I don't think that we really can surrender without trust. And so whether that's something that resonates with you in the context of a relationship, whether you struggle to let go of control, whether you maybe have the view that, you know, you have to make sure that everything's perfect and certain before you surrender, which I think is a common one. It's like, oh, yeah.
[00:17:11]:
I'll I'll surrender once I've eliminated all risk, which kind of defeats the purpose, right? There's no vulnerability without risk. There's no surrender when we feel like we're in absolute control. It's actually only vulnerable to the extent that we are stepping into some level of unknown and risk, and trusting in spite of that and being courageous in spite of that. So I wanted to share that with you, some reflections on self trust and control and surrender from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth, whether you are in that season of life and this is kind of directly applicable to you in that sense, or whether the pregnancy and birth aspect is completely irrelevant to you, but you struggle with those things in relationships. I suppose I offer this as a reminder of how pervasive and deeply important it is to prioritise these aspects of our relationship to self, and how building that up can have really beautiful but unintended consequences or ripple effects in other areas of life, beyond our relationships. I do have a few other episodes around, you know, more of the how on building self trust, which I'll link in the show notes for anyone who wants to dig into that. As I mentioned, I also have a whole masterclass on building trust, which, covers both trust in relationships and self trust, which along with everything else is available at 50% off for the next month or so, while I'm taking some time and space to hang out with my beautiful baby boy. So I'm gonna do my very best to record a few episodes so that there's not such a big gap between this and the next.
[00:19:19]:
But that will be a matter of controlling what I can control, which at the moment, I cannot control the, feeding and but thank you and thank you for all of the well wishes and beautiful messages that I've received from so many of you on Instagram and elsewhere. I really appreciate your support and all of the love of this community. It means the world to me, so thank you for joining me. I hope that this has been helpful for you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:05]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, self trust, control, surrender, pregnancy, birth, motherhood, insecurity, relationship coach, podcast, personal growth, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, emotional safety, parenting, newborn care, self-reflection, overcoming fear, mindset, personal development, relationship advice, coaching, online courses, master classes, couples therapy, navigating relationships, boundaries, self-improvement, health
What to Do When a Partner Pulls Away
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to navigate a partner pulling away. If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, a partner's withdrawal or disengagement can feel extremely distressing - and yet, many of our go-to strategies for managing that distress can ironically have the effect of pushing someone further away.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to navigate a partner pulling away. If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, a partner's withdrawal or disengagement can feel extremely distressing - and yet, many of our go-to strategies for managing that distress can ironically have the effect of pushing someone further away.
We'll cover:
What to do when someone pulls away in an early dating context
Why we feel drawn to pursuing connections with people who are inconsistent
How to navigate a partner repeatedly leaving and coming back
What to do when a long-term partner is emotionally withdrawn or distant
Navigating Emotional Distancing in Relationships
Relationships are a dynamic journey replete with ebbs and flows. Emotional distancing, where one partner withdraws or pulls away, can be a bewildering and painful experience. Handling this situation sensitively is key to fostering resilience in the relationship and within oneself.
The Early Stages of Dating: Responding to Withdrawal
When a budding connection seems to cool without warning, it often breeds confusion and distress. In early dating scenarios, direct communication is crucial. One might feel inclined to skirt around the issue, fearfully tiptoeing to avoid perceived rejection or abandoning the budding connection. However, clear and non-confrontational queries about any perceived change in behaviour can provide much-needed clarity.
It is helpful to consider your own reactions to withdrawal. Why does this withdrawal seem to beckon you into a chase? A confident, secure individual views inconsistency and flakiness as signs of a poor fit and a lack of reciprocity. On the other hand, someone who harbours self-doubt may perceive these as personal failures and an invitation to attempt to amend or adapt.
The Significance of Communicating Needs
With less invested connections, maturity in communication can open doors to understanding and potentially mending what may simply be a misunderstanding or a partner's personal issues. Presenting your observations without drama or over-emphasis can pave the way for an open dialogue – or alternatively give you the insights you need to make a decision about moving on.
Mixed signals should be a signal in themselves. Rather than obsessing over piecing together contradictory messages, it may be more constructive to recognise the red flags inherent in confusion and hesitancy. Prioritising someone who appreciates and invests in your time and emotions is essential.
Within Committed Relationships: Boundaries and Understanding
Within an established relationship, repeated cycles of pulling away and returning can create turbulence and emotional insecurity. Addressing this behaviour directly, with empathy and firmness, is paramount. It's vital to convey how such patterns impact your sense of safety within the relationship and assert boundaries regarding the permanence and stability you require.
The legitimacy of one's feelings when asserting boundaries must be acknowledged. Guidelines can be set in the spirit of nurturing the relationship, rather than as ultimatums that enforce control. Collaboration to address underlying issues and establish healthier coping mechanisms can strengthen the bond, allowing for steadier navigation through rough emotional waters.
Emotional Retreat: A Partner's Quiet Withdrawal
When one's partner becomes emotionally reticent without threatening the relationship's foundation, a different approach is warranted. A withdrawal can occur due to a myriad of reasons—stress, personal contemplation, mood fluctuations—and doesn't necessarily signal problems within the relationship.
Giving your partner the space to process their emotions without undue pressure can lead to a quicker and healthier resolution. It demonstrates trust in their ability to manage their internal state. Moreover, it is an opportunity for self-growth, finding comfort in one's own company and drawing strength from independence.
The confluence of personal growth and empathetic support often leads to a more resilient relationship, where temporary withdrawal does not precipitate a crisis but is seen as a natural part of the human condition. This mature outlook enables both partners to maintain a sense of personal integrity while being emotionally tuned in to each other.
Conclusion: Cultivating Resilience and Empathy
What is clear is that the journey of any relationship involves traversing paths of connection and moments of solitude. Understanding the nuances of emotional withdrawal, whether it is temporary or indicative of deeper issues, can make a significant difference in how we respond to our partner's needs and our own.
The bedrock of a thriving relationship is empathy, communication, and respect for each person's emotional landscape. By practising direct communication, self-awareness, and tolerance for the natural rhythms of intimacy, we can navigate the complex dance of human relationships with grace and resilience, fostering deeper connections with others and ourselves.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How do you typically respond when you sense a partner starting to pull away? Reflect on the emotions this triggers in you, and consider where these feelings might be rooted in your past experiences.
2. Think about a time when a partner's withdrawal made you feel the need to 'fix' the situation immediately. Is this reaction based more on your discomfort with disconnection, or on genuine concern for your partner's well-being?
3. When someone you've been casually dating begins to show less interest, do you find yourself trying harder to regain their attention? Explore your motivations behind this and consider what it means for your sense of self-worth.
4. Can you identify a cycle of breakups and reunions in your current or past relationships? Reflect on how this pattern affected your emotional security and the overall health of the relationship.
5. Consider the notion that mixed signals could be a red flag rather than a challenge to overcome. How does this perspective shift the way you might approach inconsistencies in someone's behaviour during the early stages of dating?
6. Reflect on your boundaries: If you've experienced repeated patterns of a partner threatening to leave the relationship, what are some healthy boundaries you might set going forward? How would you communicate these to your partner?
7. Recall an instance when a significant other was emotionally distant due to their own issues. How did you handle giving them space while maintaining your own emotional well-being?
8. Discuss how self-reliance plays a role in allowing a partner to have their space. How can you better resource yourself when you feel a tendency to become tethered to your partner's mood and emotional state?
9. Have you ever found yourself persisting in a relationship despite clear signs of a partner's disinterest or inconsistent investment? If so, what did it take for you to shift your focus from trying to salvage the connection to prioritizing your own well-being?
10. Think about a relationship in which you felt safe to express doubts or insecurities without fearing abandonment. Contrast this with a relationship where such safety was not present. What can you learn from these experiences in fostering security within your current or future relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about what to do when your partner pulls away or withdraws. So this is a question that I have received in many forms, many times from people in my community. And I think it's a big question because obviously it spans so many different sets of circumstances and contexts. And so in answering this question and sharing some thoughts around this, I'm going to split it up into different scenarios. So if someone that you're in the early stages of dating starts to pull away, you know, that's a very different scenario to if someone you've been in a long term relationship with for a couple of years is being withdrawn and pulling away. And I think while it might activate similar circuitry within you, I think what is appropriate in terms of how you respond to that might be different, and my advice would probably differ.
[00:01:28]:
So I'm going to speak to those different versions of the scenario where someone that you're in a relationship with or connected with, is pulling away. And while I haven't explicitly made this about anxious and avoidant attachment, I think it would be fair to say that I'm mostly speaking to people who probably lean more anxious here and have been in the situation of having someone who leans more avoidant, pulling away. As we know, that's the more typical scenario. So while it's not exclusively that, and of course, there will always be variations on the theme, that's probably in most cases going to be what we're talking about today. Before I dove into today's episode, I just wanted to share I've done a really terrible job at sharing this, but there is a YouTube channel that I created a little while ago that we've been uploading podcast recordings to. So you can find me on YouTube if you're someone who likes to watch. We've been uploading full length episodes, but also shorter clips from both recent episodes and then more archive stuff from a little while back. So if you're a YouTuber, it would be super helpful for me in growing on that platform.
[00:02:40]:
If you would check it out, it's I think my handle is just . You know, like, subscribe, engage all of that. And you know, as I said, if you're someone who appreciates having something to watch in addition to having something to listen to, definitely go check me out on YouTube. The second announcement in a similar vein, which is also me being very terrible at sharing this is I've had a few people ask me about transcripts and other things for the podcast. The podcast actually has its own website. So if you go to on attachment.com, we have a page for every episode. And on those pages, we have not only the show notes, and links to other resources, but we have full transcripts of the episodes, and even, like, discussion questions, reflection questions that arise out of the topic of the episode. Read sometimes get reviews and feedback from people saying that they want to listen and relisten and go back and take notes and, you know, write things down.
[00:03:37]:
If you're someone who likes to engage with the podcast in that manner, on attachment.com is a really great resource for you and and has a lot of stuff there. So those are 2 announcements that I've been meaning to make for a long time, that I've been doing a very terrible job at telling people that those things exist, but those resources are there for anyone who wants them and, of course, totally free. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner or someone that you're seeing pulls away and withdraws. And I think, as always, I like to kind of set the scene by validating how hard this can be and why it's hard, particularly if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns. So as we know, and I've talked about this to death on the podcast, so I won't spend too much time on it. If you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, closeness, proximity, connection equals safety. And so to have someone that you're in relationship with pull away and that can be in really explicit or overt ways in that they disappear, or they say they need space or something quite upfront, or it could be the more subtle shifts in energy that you are likely very highly attuned to and very almost hypervigilant or, you know, super perceptive to any change in temperature or energy within the relationship.
[00:05:01]:
That's likely to send your system into some level of disarray, because we know that any kind of loss of connection or shift in connection feels like a precursor to abandonment, rejection, you know, aloneness in a way that is likely to be really triggering and upsetting and stressful for you. And so you might notice that at the slightest hint of disconnection, your system goes into full on, I need to fix this mode, whether that's by you know, trying to close the gap or testing or probing or, you know, if you've got an inkling that something's wrong, then know, asking your partner a 1000000 times what's wrong? Are you sure nothing's wrong? Really seeking that reassurance. And you know, that can be in and of itself a really stressful experience for you. Now adding to that, if someone really is pulling away and you feel increasingly sort of powerless and stressed and overwhelmed, obviously, that's not a nice place to be. And you probably don't need me to tell you that continuing to sort of grab at someone, whether literally or figuratively, you know, pushing them away is often what ends up happening, when that's the opposite of what we wanna do. We're actually trying to get some safety for ourselves, but the way that we go about it will often have the effect of pushing someone further away when they're already disengaging for whatever reason. So as I said in the introduction, I think it's useful to delineate here between different sorts of circumstances because, you know, if my partner of several years is being withdrawn, then obviously I'm gonna approach that in a very different way to if I was, you know, chatting with someone who I'd been on 2 dates with and they started to pull away or or send mixed messages. And I think that, you know, to lump them all in the same category would be reductive and and probably unhelpful.
[00:06:59]:
So I'm going to start by talking about the more casual situation where you know in a dating context, if you've connected with someone, you know, maybe you've been chatting a lot, maybe like you're really, really excited and it feels really good and you've been on a couple of dates, maybe you've even, you know, slept together or or whatever, but, like, it's feeling like there's momentum there. And then suddenly things start to shift and they start to be a little distant. They start to pull away. Maybe they're less available. You know, they're suddenly making excuses for why they can't see you. The tone of their messages changes, all of those sorts of things, which unfortunately, I think happens quite a lot. And I'm sure a lot of you are nodding your head and feeling quite seen by that situation because I know that in in the dating world, it is unfortunately quite common for people to pull away without necessarily directly communicating. And as I said, you know, all of that is likely to really be very jarring and quite distressing for you, particularly if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, whose tendency, I suppose, is to internalize all of that and go, what have I done wrong? You know, did they decide they didn't like me? You know, what changed? And kind of go into overdrive trying to find the answers to that and, you know, reverse engineer a solution.
[00:08:18]:
And oftentimes that revolves around how can I change myself or, you know, make them like me again? And so it becomes this attempt at earning someone's approval, working really, really, really hard to restore whatever connection was there that feels like it's slipping away from you. So what do you do in that situation where someone who you've kind of been casually seeing or there's been, you know, the early stages of a connection with starts to be a bit distant and pulling away. So I think that you're probably not going to like this answer because it's not an answer that is like a hack to get them to reengage. Right. But there's a few pieces here that I want to point to, and I think one of them is just communicate. And, you know, I think you can name what you're feeling without going too overboard with it or being too grave or serious. You can simply call out, hey, it feels like you've been a little withdrawn the past few days, weeks, whatever is appropriate. Just wondering whether everything's okay.
[00:09:27]:
Wanted to check-in. Let me know how you're feeling or whether you'd like to chat. And I think that you can generally gauge from someone's response to something like that where they're at. And if they come back with more kind of flakiness or distance, then that's probably very telling. Or, you know, they might be able to give you insight into something else that's going on in their life that it gives a little context for why they've been distant, at which point you can be sympathetic and then say that you'd, you know, love to hear from them a little more frequently or catch up or whatever. So being mature and communicate directly is a good first port of call. I know that that's probably counterintuitive for most people because again, particularly among those with more anxious patterns, the tendency to think that you've done something wrong and then worry that you're pushing someone away by being too clingy means that you're disinclined to communicate directly and advocate for yourself and just be upfront. And you tend to go for the more indirect sideways approaches of trying to gather information without, you know, opening yourself up to potential rejection, I suppose, is probably the best way to put it.
[00:10:36]:
And just asking someone outright, you know, are you still interested? How are you feeling? What's going on? You seem to be withdrawn. Can feel much more vulnerable than just, you know, tiptoeing around it and trying to figure out what's going on, but not in a way that exposes you to that potential rejection, and all of the uncomfortable feelings that might come with it. But I think that the cost of that tiptoeing is that we end up persisting in the face of someone's disinterest, right, or someone's lack of investment in us. And I think that that is very costly to our sense of self confidence, self esteem, self worth. So the direct communication approach, I think, is a really good one. The other piece that I wanted to speak to and I've sort of already alluded to it, is that it's it's really important to reflect on what it is about someone's disinterest that is so enticing to us. And as I say enticing, I don't mean like directly exciting in a conscious sense, but we have to get a bit curious about, you know, why someone sending mixed signals, someone not really showing that much interest, why does that feel like an invitation for us to try harder to get them to show interest, to prove ourselves, to earn their love, to, you know, be better, be different, be otherwise? Because I think the the secure person doesn't feel so seduced by that game. A secure person sees someone's lack of investment or someone's inconsistency or flakiness, as an indicator that that's not a great fit and that there's a lack of reciprocity in that dynamic and that it's maybe not worth investing in because they don't feel terribly respected by this person in terms of themselves, but also their time and energy.
[00:12:25]:
Whereas I think when we're coming from a foundation of low self worth, that does feel like this seductive challenge almost of they're giving me some attention, or they were giving me attention, but now they're not. So how do I get back to that place? What can I do? What can I change? How can I be towards them that will bring us back into connection? Because I've internalized the loss of connection as being a comment on my worth, as being my fault, as being something, you know, wrong with me. And so I have to restore that so that I don't feel like there's something wrong with me. All of that to say, I think a lot of it is our own work and our own self reflection. There's a lot there to explore and understand about ourselves. Why is this appealing to me? Why do I find myself? Particularly if this is a repeated pattern for you and you are continually finding yourself in this situation of persisting in the face of someone's lukewarm attention or very hot and cold inconsistent flakiness, why do I see that as something worth pursuing rather than just spending my time and energy with the people who are interested in me? So I think that in summary, in that early dating kind of scenario, be upfront in communicating. I think the other thing, and I've said this before, sometimes rather than trying to decipher which of someone's mixed signals are the truth, If someone's saying one thing and then saying another thing, I think that actually just realizing that the fact of someone's very mixed communication, inconsistent messaging, if you're racking your brains, feeling really confused and full of doubt at the very early stages of a relationship, is that something that you want to continue to invest in? Because that's a pretty big red flag at the outset for you to be feeling so unsure of how they feel about you, how invested they are. And so I think that when we kind of march past those signals and then later wonder, you know, where it all went wrong, maybe we're not being fully honest with ourselves about what was apparent in those early stages and what we were willing to look past in the interest of maintaining a connection because it felt good.
[00:14:44]:
So I want to pivot now to the other scenario, which is, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone and they are pulling away, withdrawing. And when I say relationship, again, there's a 1,000,001 different variations of what that could look like. But something that is, you know, committed and, you know, clear that you are together. It doesn't have to be super long term, but at least there's some clarity that you're in a relationship and and the level of investment and kind of mutual understanding there. And I think that when someone pulls away in this scenario, again, there's sort of different branches of the tree because pulling away might be, you know, someone actually saying I need space or I don't know about being in this relationship anymore, you know, actually trying to maybe end the relationship and then coming back again. Or it might just be someone kind of emotionally withdrawing while still in the relationship. So I think in a scenario where someone is repeatedly pulling away in the sense of saying, you know, I need space or I'm not sure about this. I don't know if this is going to work out, you know, actually going and then coming back again, in a way that feels like it's leaving the existence of the relationship in question in some way.
[00:15:55]:
You know, are we actually still together? Or it's, undermining that really, the foundation of the relationship. I think in that scenario, boundaries and kind of a firm conversation around that is really, really important. I've said this before, I think threatening a breakup or having cycles in a relationship where you repeatedly break up and get back together is just so detrimental. It's virtually impossible to build a secure relationship where that is a theme that is recurring in particularly in your conflicts, if that's always on the table or, you know, if that's where things escalate to every time they escalate, then it's impossible to have any emotional safety. It's impossible to have really vulnerable conversations because there's always this existential threat looming over the relationship. And so it's really easy to go, you know, I don't wanna say that thing because I don't want it to escalate in that direction because I don't wanna lose the relationship. And so I think it creates this this culture inside a relationship of suppression and hiding and tiptoeing, followed by these big blowouts and then no adequate repair. And it really is very, very hard to build anything sustainable or healthy from that place.
[00:17:07]:
So if it were me and my partner were going through cycles of saying, you know, I don't think I can do this or, you know, I need space. So I think we should take time apart or whatever again and again and coming back and going again. I think the for me, it would be a very firm boundary of I understand whatever, you know, doubts you might be having, and I don't wanna make you wrong for that. But equally, it's very challenging for me to persist in this environment of uncertainty in the relationship. And that's just not gonna work for me going forward because I know what that costs me. So if we're gonna continue to be in this relationship, I need to know that you are committed and I really need to draw a bright line in the sand on the threatening to leave or the leaving and coming back again because that level of of kind of chaos, uncertainty, unpredictability around the very foundation of our relationship is untenable for me. So, you know, talking to someone pretty firmly and saying you know, advocating for yourself in that, while seeking to understand it's not making them wrong because there's some very valid fear or pain that is driving them to behave in that way over and over again. It's not just them trying to hurt you, I can guarantee it.
[00:18:19]:
It's them trying to protect themselves from something. So certainly seeking to understand, but having that conversation of how can we go about managing this or, you know, how can, you know, you support yourself? How can I support you? How can we support each other in a way that doesn't look like you leaving all the time? Because that's just not going to fly. Finally, in this scenario where you're in a relationship and someone's just kind of emotionally withdrawn, but it's not, you know, that that thing of, like, pulling away or, like, actually leaving and coming back in a way that's ever throwing the relationship into question. For me, sometimes in my relationship, Joel will pull away in the sense of when he's stressed or when he's just not feeling great, he's feeling a bit flat or whatever. I know that he withdraws into himself. That's what he knows to do. That's very much his, like, default mechanism. And in the past, that was really challenging for me because, you know, again, all of the anxious patterns there see someone's withdrawal as some sort of precursor to something bad happening, or at least this sense of I can't reach you when you're there, so I don't know how to make this better.
[00:19:35]:
And feeling like you don't know how to make something better when someone else's pain feels like it's threatening the connection. They can feel very out of control, and you can feel like you kind of have your hands tied and someone has put themselves behind a brick wall, and you don't know how to reach them, and you don't know what to do about it. And you can feel really powerless and, you know, feeling bad for them that they're in that experience, but also kind of selfishly not knowing how to make it better for yourself when you feel like your comfort and security is tied to some level of harmony and connection. So that used to be really challenging for me. It still is sometimes. I don't love it when he withdraws into himself. But I think we've gone to a place now where I can kind of trust in his ability to manage that. And I know that it's not about me.
[00:20:21]:
I know that that will pass and that I can, you know, offer a level of support without needing to rush in to try and fix it. And funnily enough, my, you know, giving him space to be in his process typically means he comes out of it much more quickly and easily than if I'm kind of hovering around and and trying to, you know, probe or fix or make it go away. Because I think that from his perspective, when he's withdrawn into himself, it's because he doesn't want to inflict his internal state onto me. And he's kind of doing that as a way to not only protect himself, but also protect me from whatever's going on. So, you know, having had conversations around that and, you know, having a level of, for me, self regulation and ability to just, you know, take care of myself when, you know, he's a little withdrawn or flat or moody or or those things without spiraling into making it about me or needing to fix it. Actually, just going and doing my own thing and and trusting that it will pass has been really, really effective. And I think that that's kind of good advice in many cases, in this scenario where it's not like something really tumultuous is happening, but your partner's just a little bit withdrawn or or pulling away, maybe unavailable for connection or a little bit kind of moody or irritable or or just going through their own stuff in a way that leads them to pull away from you a bit. I think that trusting in the the macro picture of the relationship rather than fixating on micro moments of disconnection and urgently needing to fix them, rushing in.
[00:22:02]:
I think that that can be really supportive for both of you. And, you know, I say both of you because I think having that practice of, I can be fine even if I'm not connected to you right in this moment. There are plenty of things that I can offer to myself that are really resourcing, that I can, you know, go and, you know, spend time alone or with other people or do things and not allow my mood and my state to be tethered to yours in a way that, you know, I feel really off center because you're not a 100% yourself. So, yeah, I think that that's good advice. Of course, having some communication around it, but it doesn't have to be something that you need to eliminate in a relationship because I think the more we can increase our tolerance for someone ebbing and flowing, even when it's not our preference or it's not comfortable for us, I actually think that that's a really positive growth experience. Okay. So that was some thoughts on what to do when a partner's pulling away. Someone that you're seeing is pulling away.
[00:23:02]:
I hope that that's been helpful in giving you some things to think about. I'm I realize that that's kind of covered a big spectrum, and and hopefully there's something in there for people at lots of different points in the journey, whether you're dating or in a relationship or somewhere in between. As always, if you've enjoyed this episode, I'm so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. I read every single one and I'm always so touched by your very kind and generous words of feedback. So thank you all for continuing to support the podcast in all of the ways that you do, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:05]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, relationship coach, partner withdrawal, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, communication in relationships, dating scenarios, long-term relationships, YouTube channel, podcast transcripts, show notes, relationship dynamics, self-esteem in relationships, self-worth, boundaries in relationships, relationship uncertainty, emotional withdrawal, managing stress in relationships, self-regulation, coping with disconnection, relationship commitment, secure attachment, relationship patterns, mixed signals, relationship consistency, partner support, relationship resilience
Self-Soothing for Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we're talking all about self-soothing and anxious attachment. For most anxiously attached folks, self-soothing and self-regulation can be a real struggle. This typically shows up as an over-reliance on others (often a partner) to be our sole source of safety and reassurance when we experience emotional distress, and an accompanying sense of helplessness and panic if and when they are not available to perform that role.
In today's episode, we're talking all about self-soothing and anxious attachment. For most anxiously attached folks, self-soothing and self-regulation can be a real struggle. This typically shows up as an over-reliance on others (often a partner) to be our sole source of safety and reassurance when we experience emotional distress, and an accompanying sense of helplessness and panic if and when they are not available to perform that role.
We'll cover:
Why anxiously attached people struggle to self-regulate
How an inability to self-soothe impacts our relationships
Mindset shifts and practices to start building your self-soothing toolkit
Learning to Self-Soothe: Navigating Anxious Attachment through Inner Regulation
Self-soothing is an integral skill that plays a pivotal role in how we navigate relationships, especially for those with anxious attachment. Whether it's a relational rupture or a general sense of stress, the ability to self-soothe can significantly impact our well-being and the dynamics in our relationships. In this article, we'll delve into the concept of self-soothing within the context of anxious attachment, understanding its roots, and exploring practical techniques to cultivate this essential skill set.
Understanding Anxious Attachment and Self-Soothing
Anxious attachment often stems from early developmental experiences, influencing our ability to regulate emotions and seek comfort within ourselves. From birth, humans are reliant on caregivers to co-regulate their emotions, creating a sense of safety and security. However, individuals with anxious attachments might have experienced inconsistent or insufficient co-regulation, leading to heightened anxiety and a lack of self-soothing skills.
The Impact of Early Experiences
Our early experiences form the foundation of our attachment styles. If we didn't receive consistent co-regulation as children, it might translate into challenges with self-soothing as adults. Anxious attachment can manifest as a constant need for proximity, reassurance, and fear of abandonment. This often translates into feeling helpless and powerless when facing relational stress or emotional overwhelm. Consequently, it's crucial to acknowledge that struggling with self-soothing isn't a personal shortcoming but rather a developmental outcome with roots in early experiences.
Developing Self-Soothing as a Skill Set
The good news is that self-soothing is a skill that can be nurtured and refined. By understanding the origins of our attachment styles and the impact of early experiences, we can begin the journey of cultivating self-soothing capabilities. By developing this skill set, we empower ourselves to regulate our emotions and find comfort within, complementing the external support we seek from relationships.
Exploring Self-Soothing Techniques
Self-soothing techniques are diverse and unique to each individual, emphasizing the importance of a personalised approach. Practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and sensory grounding exercises can be invaluable tools in managing anxiety and emotional distress. Engaging in movement, whether through exercise or a simple walk, can help dissipate stress energy, promoting a sense of calm and stability. Moreover, utilising the senses, such as touch, taste, and smell, can draw our focus back to the present moment, aiding in emotional regulation.
The Trial and Error of Self-Soothing
As we embark on the journey of enhancing our self-soothing abilities, it's important to adopt an experimental mindset. What works for one person might not necessarily be effective for another. Embracing trial and error fosters a deeper understanding of our individual needs and preferences when it comes to self-soothing. It's about discovering a personalized toolkit of techniques that resonate with us, providing comfort and grounding during moments of distress.
Proactive Self-Soothing Practices
An essential aspect of self-soothing is its proactive application. Rather than viewing it solely as a reactive response to overwhelming emotions, integrating self-soothing into our daily routines and checking in with ourselves elevates its effectiveness. By consistently tending to our emotional well-being, we reduce the likelihood of reaching a tipping point of distress, promoting a sense of control and agency over our internal state.
Cultivating Internal Safety and Reassurance
As we navigate the realms of self-soothing, we embark on a transformational journey of self-care and emotional resilience. Recognising the power we hold to comfort ourselves, we reshape our internal dialogue from helplessness to empowerment. Effectively self-soothing involves creating internal safety and reassurance, bridging the gap between our emotional needs and our capacity to meet them.
In conclusion, the art of self-soothing is an invaluable skill, particularly for individuals navigating anxious attachment. Understanding its roots, embracing diverse techniques, and fostering a proactive approach significantly enhances our emotional well-being and relationship dynamics. By cultivating this essential skill set, we embark on a journey of self-empowerment, inner resilience, and a deeper sense of emotional security within ourselves and our relationships.
Through the lens of self-soothing, we unearth the transformative potential of reclaiming agency over our emotions and nurturing a profound sense of internal safety and reassurance. As we continue to explore the multifaceted layers of self-soothing, may we find solace in the potent ability to comfort and regulate ourselves, transcending the challenges of anxious attachment and anchoring ourselves in a space of emotional resilience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
What does the concept of self-soothing mean to you in the context of relationships and attachment?
Have you ever felt overwhelmed or vulnerable in a relationship due to a lack of self-soothing techniques? How did it affect the relationship?
In what ways do you think your early experiences of co-regulation have influenced your ability to self-soothe as an adult?
What practical self-soothing techniques have you tried in moments of stress or anxiety? How effective were they for you?
Reflect on a recent stressful or anxious moment in a relationship. How did you attempt to self-soothe, and was it successful?
How do you differentiate between self-regulation and co-regulation in your own relationship dynamics? Do you feel more reliant on external reassurance or your own internal soothing mechanisms?
In what ways can you proactively integrate self-soothing practices into your daily life to manage stress and overwhelm before it becomes unmanageable?
Think about a time when you felt a strong need for reassurance and safety from your partner. How can you cultivate that sense of security within yourself through self-soothing?
Consider the impact of self-trust on your ability to self-soothe. How does trusting yourself relate to your capacity for self-regulation and managing anxiety in relationships?
Reflect on how the development of self-soothing skills might influence your experience of anxious attachment and your relationships moving forward.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
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Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about self soothing and anxious attachment, which I know is one of those areas that so many people have a hard time with. And, you know, if you are someone who identifies with anxious attachment and self soothing, particularly when there are relational ruptures or other things in that relational field that are causing you stress, you are so far from alone in having a hard time with self soothing. That's very much part of the blueprint of anxious attachment is that that is an underdeveloped skill set. But nevertheless, despite it it being, you know, common or normal among anxious attached, as I know that it can cause a lot of overwhelm and stress and vulnerability in relationships when you are feeling anxious, and you feel like you are kind of powerless to do anything about that, that you don't have any tools to offer yourself, and that you're really at the mercy of something outside of yourself, oftentimes your partner, to provide the safety and reassurance that you need in order to calm yourself down. And obviously, you know, depending on the circumstances, if there's been a rupture or you're otherwise feeling disconnected from your partner, that external reassurance might not always be available and that can lead you into a really challenging, scary spiral of emotions that you don't know how to deal with. So that's a really common experience.
[00:01:57]:
And thankfully there's both an explanation for it and there are absolutely things that you can do to build up that skill set. As with so much of this work, the way that we experience relationships, the things that we struggle with, the ways that we've learned to cope are just that the things that we have learned. And that's really the hopeful piece of all of this is that we can learn other ways to cope or even to thrive, to really take care of ourselves in relationships in a way that is much more mature and grounded and empowering than feeling like, you know, a scared vulnerable child, which I think is often what's lurking underneath. And we'll talk today about why that might be and why that actually makes a lot of sense if that's your experience. So before we dive into today's discussion, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment, my signature course. It's been open for registration with the last week or so, and we've had I don't know what the count is at the moment. I think almost 250 people join, which is amazing as always. So exciting for me to see.
[00:03:02]:
So many people saying yes to doing this work for themselves. There are another couple of days before registration will close for this round. And I'm not quite sure when I'll be reopening it. As many of you would know, I'm having a baby in a few weeks time, which is very exciting. But it also means I'll be taking a step back from running programs for, you know, the next few months at least. So while I will be running the course again, I have no set plans or dates, and it will likely be late this year, if not, maybe next year. So if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are wanting to do something about it and you're wanting a tried and tested framework, definitely check out healing anxious attachment in the next couple of days before registration closes for this round. Okay.
[00:03:50]:
So let's talk about self soothing for anxious attachment. Now I wanna set the scene a little here without going too much into the background, but just to give a bit of context for why anxiously attached people struggle with self soothing. So when we're all born, I said that I was going back a little, didn't I? When we're all born, we don't have the ability to self regulate or self soothe. Human babies are very, very underdeveloped and we have around 25% of our full brain capacity at birth. If you even just think about, you know, other mammals that are much more self sufficient or independent within a few hours of birth than humans are. Human babies are really undergo a whole nother gestation period outside of the womb once they're born, and are utterly dependent and vulnerable on the adults around them for survival. Which is why, you know, these attachment bonds are so vital to our species, and to our programming. That's why they feel so survival driven because they absolutely are.
[00:04:56]:
And there's nothing wrong with that. That's, you know, by design, and it allows us to survive and thrive. Now, in an ideal world, we are lacking that ability to self soothe, self regulate, as babies and infants. We learn that from our parents through co regulation. So we sort of tether to their nervous system and we learn to experience safety via them. So if our caregivers are safe and reliable and consistent and responsive and attuned and, you know, take care of our needs, and we can feel them close, and we don't have, you know, those scary experiences of disconnection and vulnerability at a time when we are so dependent on them. Then eventually we develop a secure attachment, right? We learn that the world is a safe place and we we with others. That's the ideal.
[00:05:56]:
Unfortunately, a lot of us didn't get, you know, enough of that safe co regulation or we didn't get it consistently enough, or there were other things going on such that, commonly happens, the typical origin story when we're talking about, you know, co regulation, self regulation, is that you received enough safe co regulation to know what it feels like and to know that that's what you want and need. But you may not have gotten it consistently or reliably enough to be able to depend on it. And so you become very hyper aware of the need for that co regulation in order to survive and you develop anxiety around the possible loss of that connection, that coregulation, you know it not being available to you when you need it, and so you become hyper fixated on holding onto it at all times. Right? And you might be starting to see how this pieces together with the anxious attachment that you experience as an adult is I only feel safe and reassured when we're connected. And so because I'm so frightened about the possibility of you not being there when I need you, I don't want to even entertain that possibility. So I want to keep you really close. And I become very hyper vigilant to any possible threats to that connection. Anything that could take you away from me.
[00:07:18]:
So for the anxiously attached baby child, what tends to happen is because you're so focused and fixated on this need for closeness and, you know, the separation anxiety that can come alongside that is that the self regulation piece tends to get a little neglected or underdeveloped. And, you know, that neglect or lack of development of that skill set can then, you know, follow through to your development. And even as an adult, you can find that you maybe lack that skill set. You don't have that felt experience of being able to soothe and comfort yourself because it's just not something that you ever really learned how to do. If we briefly contrast that in this episode isn't really about the avoidant attachment experience, but just because it's interesting, what we can see is for avoidantly attached folks, often they didn't have enough safe co regulation to begin with, that they never really learned to reach for it or they learned not to reach for it. They actually learned to not need it, to shut themselves off from it and to over index on self regulation, to become really, really reliant on their ability to create safety for themselves without connection to other. And so, whereas anxiously attached people tend to be you know, overly focused on co regulation from a really survival driven place, to the detriment of their ability to self regulate, we can see that avoidant folks tend to go the other way. So they don't really know how to safely co regulate with others or maybe, you know, co regulating, connecting with others just isn't synonymous with safety in their system because they never had that imprint.
[00:09:03]:
You know, they tend to be really overly focused on self regulation, self soothing as their way of creating safety whenever they feel threatened or overwhelmed. So that's a bit of a backdrop of, you know, why you're not just, you know, crazy or pathetic or stupid or desperate. If you're someone with anxious attachment and you really struggle to self regulate, this goes back a long way and you may just not have had the early experiences that you needed enough of the time in order to develop that skillset. Now, as I said, the great thing about all of this is that it is a set of skills and it is something that we can learn and practice and cultivate within ourselves in that inner relationship so that we feel more resource. We feel like we have things that we can reach for in those moments of overwhelm, of stress, of anxiety, rather than defaulting back to this helpless child kind of energy of, you know, I'm panicked. And it's almost like if you, you know, ever got lost in a department store or a supermarket or something, that panic sense of, like, I can't find my parent. Where are they? You know, I feel so scared and vulnerable. What am I gonna do? And you do have that very visceral fear and helplessness.
[00:10:18]:
I think for anxiously attached people in relationships, if something feels threatening, if something feels overwhelming, it can have a very similar emotional imprint to those kinds of experiences of like sheer panic, and separation anxiety that you may have experienced when you're a kid. So what do we do about all of this now? I can't even begin in a short podcast episode to give you the full download on self soothing tools and tips for anxious attachment. It's something that I go into a lot of detail in in my course. I think there's, you know, a couple of hours of video trainings just on your nervous system and self soothing in its own module because it really is that foundational to this whole process. And it requires, you know, a lot of unpacking. But what we can do is start to understand that I think this is really important. There are so many things that I could give you in terms of, like, things that you can do and try to, you know, regulate your system. So things like breathing techniques, things like stretching, other ways to activate your body and to create safety in your body when you're feeling overwhelmed.
[00:11:29]:
And knowing, like, based on where my nervous system's at, if I'm feeling like an 8 out of 10, what kind of tool would I reach for in that setting? Versus if I'm feeling like at a 4 out of 10. If I'm feeling very, very anxious, I'm gonna reach for something different than if I'm feeling, you know, depressed and vacant. And it's actually about trial and error and figuring that out for yourself in large part, knowing what tools work for you and knowing that there are things that you can do and offer to yourself at any moment. Things that take 2 seconds and things that might take an hour. So, you know, something that might be appropriate if you're sitting at your desk at work might not be appropriate in another setting and vice versa. So a huge part of doing this work and learning to self regulate, to self soothe, is knowing that you have so many options and and really equipping yourself with as many tools as you can, so that you feel spoiled for choice almost. Right? I often say to people, to students and clients that like the number of times throughout the day where I will pause and check-in with myself and go, what do I need? If I'm noticing that I'm even a little bit dysregulated or scattered or, you know, just don't really feel grounded and kind of in my my window of tolerance, if you're familiar with that term, I'll stop and I'll go, what do I need? And maybe it's just, you know, getting up and stretching or walking outside and having some fresh air, maybe it's getting a glass of water, Maybe it's lighting a candle. Maybe it's changing the music that I'm listening to or going from listening to nothing to listening to something or vice versa.
[00:13:11]:
Again, it's just tweaking what is going on around me, my environment, both internal and external, in order to bring myself back into more regulation and presence and groundedness. And ideally, what we want is for this to become a practice that is not only an emergency response, which I think is how so many people I mean, certainly when I'm getting questions from people about self soothing, it's almost always like, you know, give me the fire extinguisher so I can put out this, you know, big burning fire of my overwhelming emotions when it gets too much. And of course, yes, we wanna be able to resource ourselves when our emotions get very big and very overwhelming and it, you know, shows up as panic or, you know, a big anxiety spin out. Yes, we wanna have tools for that, but we also wanna be constantly in this process of turning towards ourselves and checking in, so that we don't get to that boiling point as often. And we're really actually just checking in with ourselves throughout the day every day so that we're staying grounded and anchored rather than, not really noticing until it all gets too much. And then we have the big blow up and we feel like we're not in control of ourselves anymore. Because I think that's what happens for a lot of people, when, you know, self regulation, self care is treated as, only a reactive thing rather than a proactive thing. You know, it's something I do when I'm burnt out or when I have a panic attack, you know, in the same way that, hopefully, you treat your health as something to be proactively managed.
[00:14:53]:
So too should you be treating, you know, your nervous system health and your mental well-being, your emotional well-being as something to be proactively taken care of rather than only something to, you know, pull out the the emergency response for when it all gets too much. So to give you a few specific things for self soothing, for anxious attachment and, you know, again, I think that like the actual tools that you'll use will vary from person to person. But it really is anything that can bring you back into presence. Okay? Because when we are in that stress response, when we're in a threat response, we tend to spin out and everything becomes very global and catastrophic. And it's not just right here, right now. What do I know to be true? Where am I? You know, am I safe? There's this sense of like everything is doomed and I'm going to be alone forever. And, you know, it's not just I can't reach my partner right now. It's, you know, they're having an affair or they're cheating on me, and they've been lying to me about everything.
[00:15:57]:
And, you know, all of this stuff that catastrophising can be very intense and very persuasive. So, I think recognising that when you're in that state, the state of your nervous system is going to dictate the thoughts and feelings that you are having. And so working with your body, 1st and foremost, and with your nervous system to try and bring down the heat or bring down the pressure is a really good starting point, rather than just trying to outthink those big scary thoughts. I think a lot of the time, something as simple as going for a walk or a run, moving your body when we have that amount of, you know, stressy energy, when we've got that amount of activation in our system, Just trying to calm ourselves down can actually be counterproductive because we've already got the adrenaline going, and just trying to switch it off or dull it. It's already kind of pumping through you, so sometimes actually leaning into that, and, you know, shaking or moving or walking or going to the gym. You know, if you're someone who already enjoys exercise, you'll know that the the feeling after a work out is often a very calm and grounded one, because you've cleared out a lot of that sympathetic activation, that stress energy. So anything to do with movement is good. Anything that feels grounding using your senses.
[00:17:23]:
So again, when we're really in that spinning out place and we're really feeling not grounded, bringing ourselves back to, you know, where am I? What can I touch? What can I smell? What can I taste? What can I hear listening to music or, you know, some sort of like, even meditation tracks or binaural, sounds, binaural beats? I love listening to stuff like that. I find it very grounding. But again, it's really about learning to match your tools to your state. And something that works for me when I'm at a 5 out of 10 might be absolutely not helpful for you at all if you're at a 5 out of 10. And so it's like, can I experiment with this and almost play with it? Going, oh, like, what helps to bring me back into my body? What helps to bring me back into a little bit more safety and space and groundedness, based on how I'm feeling and where I'm at? And that really is a bit of trial and error, but it's, you know, an incredibly empowering process for you to go through to start figuring out what that might look like for you. And just even the process of turning towards yourself and going, okay, what do I need? That in and of itself is really, really powerful in rewiring that experience of I am helpless and there's nothing I can do, because you're acknowledging and asking that question of like how what can I offer to myself? You're already acknowledging that, like, you care and you are there and you are attuned and responsive, and you are going to be able to take action to support yourself. And even being able to do that can shift you out of that sense of helplessness and, you know, despair and overwhelm and frozenness that you might otherwise be feeling when you're in that state of, you know, really panicking trigger activation about something in your relationship. So I hope that that has been helpful in in giving you a bit of a sense of what we're talking about with self soothing.
[00:19:19]:
I know that, you know, some of you will be wanting a formula. And as much as I could give you that, I don't think it's actually what you need. I know that's an annoying answer. But as with all of these things, I think so much of the process and particularly around something is foundational to our relationship with self as self soothing and self regulation. So much of it is that process of getting to know yourself and not having it dictated to you the things that you need to do, because that actually cultivates more of a reliance on something outside of yourself. So if I just tell you exactly what to do and then, you know, you do it and it doesn't work for you, then you come back and go, well, now what do I do? Right? There's still that sense of dependency and helplessness. So it's actually much more empowering and helpful, for you to go through that process of figuring it out for yourself. Of course, with the guidelines of you know, some of those foundational tools around bringing more regulation into the body, you know, movement, sound, breath, senses, all of those things that we know are really good for grounding the nervous system.
[00:20:27]:
So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if you want to do a really deep dive on this and and everything else to do with anxious attachment, definitely jump into the course before registration closes in a couple days' time. We've also got a live Q and A with me later this week, which is obviously a great opportunity if you're interested. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:54]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, self soothing, anxious attachment, relationship coach, insecurity, thriving relationships, co regulation, anxious attached, relational ruptures, vulnerability, relationship, secure attachment, nervous system, nervous system health, emotional well-being, self regulation, grounding, nervous system, breath, senses, mental well-being, proactive self-care, panic attack, emotional well-being, emotional imprint, avoidant attachment, self-dependent.
On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
Trust and Vulnerability: Choosing to Embrace the Risk
In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, trust is the golden thread that holds everything together. It's the foundation upon which we build connections that feel peaceful, secure, and authentic. However, the vulnerability of trust and the associated fear and uncertainty can often leave us in a state of hesitation. In this episode, we delve into the complex interplay between trust, risk, and vulnerability and explore the empowering act of choosing trust in our relationships, despite the absence of guarantees.
The Collision of Fear and Trust
At the heart of the matter lies the collision between fear and trust. Our innate fear seeks certainty - a safeguard against the unknown and the uncontrollable. It recoils from the murky grey areas of uncertainty, striving to derisk every aspect of our lives in pursuit of a guaranteed shield against potential harm. This desire to eliminate risk roots itself deeply in our behaviours, particularly for those who grapple with anxious attachment. The perpetual quest to preemptively avert any potential harm leads to hyper-vigilance, the need for constant reassurance, and a pervasive sense of mistrust.
The Illusion of Control
However, the irony lies in the ineffectiveness of these controlling behaviours. While they stem from a well-intentioned drive to protect oneself, they can inadvertently sabotage the very connections we seek to preserve. The relentless pursuit of certainty and the hyper-focus on potential problems obscure the true essence of our relationships, overshadowing the joy and positivity that exists within them. It's akin to grappling with a rope tied to an immovable brick wall – a futile exertion of energy that only serves to drain us further.
The Liberating Truth
Amidst the turmoil of uncertainty, a liberating truth emerges – there are no guarantees in love and relationships. Love, by its very nature, is inherently vulnerable and risky. No matter how much we delve into the realms of control, the unpredictability of life remains unscathed. Embracing this reality can be both terrifying and empowering. It entails acknowledging that while we cannot foresee the future or prevent hurt, we do have the agency to choose our approach to trust.
Choosing Trust as an Action
Rather than waiting for a sense of trust to manifest as a feeling, we can actively choose trust as an intentional action. This perspective reframes trust as a conscious decision we make, irrespective of the lingering uncertainties. It's a shift from the arduous pursuit of an elusive feeling to embracing trust as a deliberate and open-hearted choice. This shift in mindset allows us to release the need for absolute certainty, liberating ourselves from the exhausting burden of attempting to control the uncontrollable.
The Path to Embracing Vulnerability
By acknowledging that trust is not risk-free, we set ourselves on a path of embracing vulnerability. We accept that trust involves inherent risks and uncertainties, transcending the paralysing grip of suspicion and fear. This realisation empowers us to relinquish the need for constant vigilance and control. It enables us to tread towards open-hearted trust, creating an environment that fosters joy, peace, and gratitude within our relationships.
Conclusion
In the intricate dance of trust, risk, and vulnerability, the power to choose trust emerges as a transformative force. By shedding the weight of futile control, we liberate ourselves to embrace the vulnerability of trust. As we navigate the complexities of human connections, our agency to consciously choose trust becomes our compass, leading us towards authentic, thriving relationships. In this pursuit, we unearth the freedom to release the grip of fear, fostering an environment that nurtures connection, empathy, and genuine understanding – one intentional choice at a time.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when your fear of uncertainty and unpredictability influenced your behaviour in a relationship. How did this fear impact your ability to trust and be vulnerable?
Consider the concept of risk in relationships. Do you tend to view risk as inherently negative? How can embracing the vulnerability of trust lead to growth and connection in relationships, despite the inherent risks involved?
Have you experienced a situation where your efforts to control and avoid potential hurt in a relationship led to unintended negative consequences? What did you learn from this experience?
How does the pursuit of certainty and guarantees in relationships affect your ability to experience joy and peace? Can you recall times when letting go of the need for certainty brought unexpected positive outcomes?
Have you ever struggled with waiting to feel trust before extending trust in a relationship? How might the act of choosing trust as an action, rather than waiting for a feeling, shift your approach to building trust in your relationships?
Think about past experiences where fear and suspicion overshadowed the goodness in your relationships. How might adopting a more open-hearted approach to trust enhance your ability to appreciate and nurture the positive aspects of your relationships?
Consider the phrase "I have trust issues." How might reframing this as "I am choosing to trust" empower you to shift your relationship with trust? What challenges might arise in making this shift, and how do you think could overcome them?
Explore the idea of self-trust and its connection to trusting others. How does your level of self-trust impact your capacity to extend trust to others? In what ways could developing self-trust enhance your ability to choose trust in your relationships?
Reflect on the notion of relinquishing control in relationships. How might releasing the metaphorical "rope" of control and embracing vulnerability free up emotional energy and create space for deeper connection and personal growth?
Finally, consider the impact of fear and hyper-vigilance on your well-being and relationships. Can you pinpoint instances where suspicion and fear overshadowed your ability to experience peace? How might choosing trust over fear contribute to your overall sense of well-being in relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about trust and the vulnerability of trust, and yet its absolute importance if we want to build secure relationships that feel peaceful and connected and not riddled with fear. So today's episode is going to be a short and sweet one, and I apologise that it's a couple of days later than it would usually be. I'd actually recorded a whole different episode on breakups and discovered that when I went to edit it, there had been a tech issue and half of it had been lost. So I was back to the drawing board and decided to pivot and talk about something different. So I wanted to share some thoughts on this topic today because it came up from a question from a client, and I think it's a question that really will resonate with so many people.
[00:01:20]:
People who struggle with anxious attachment, people who struggle with trusting that someone could really be interested in them, trusting in the reliability of a connection, that something bad isn't always lurking around the corner. And when we notice those fears coming up and all the behaviours, it can drive us to really being able to consciously reframe the way we think about trust and empowering ourselves to choose trust rather than to wait to feel it. That's what I really want to share about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to very quickly share and thank you all because we just crossed over 3 million downloads on the podcast at the start of this year, when I'd set some goals, I put down a goal of 2 million downloads for the podcast by the end of the year. And at the time of doing that, in the beginning of January, we had about 500,000. We just crossed over 500,000 downloads. So to be sitting here on the 22 December with 3 million downloads is pretty incredible. And I'm just so, so grateful for all of you, your ongoing support, whether this is the first episode you've ever listened to, or whether you've been here since the beginning.
[00:02:37]:
Thank you. Thank you for listening, for your beautiful reviews and shares and reflections, for the messages you send me. I feel really, really honoured and humbled that I get to do this and impact so many people all over the world with this work. So a big thank you from me. So let's talk about this. Let's talk about trust and vulnerability. Now, I think what's so important to understand is there's this tension between trust and vulnerability and fear and uncertainty, right? And our fear wants certainty always. Our fear doesn't like the murky grey space of I don't know what's going to happen and I'm not in control.
[00:03:25]:
And yet that is fundamental to the nature of trust and the vulnerability of trust. Right? Our fear wants us to derisk everything to the point where we have all but a guarantee that nothing bad is going to happen. Right?
[00:03:41]:
That's what so many of our behaviours in relationship. If you're someone who struggles with anxiety and struggles with trust, so many of our behaviours come down to that quest to eliminate risk and to make sure that we don't get hurt, when really we can never do that. And ironically, so many of those behaviours that we might engage in in furthering that end actually have the opposite effect, in that we might undermine a connection or we might drive someone away, when really there wasn't whatever problem existed in the first place. Maybe there wasn't one, maybe it was sort of a figment of our imagination, or maybe it wasn't as big as it felt to us, because our fear will always magnify these things and catastrophize and make us believe that something relatively minor or easy to work through is actually doomsday scenario. Everything's going to fall to a million pieces. So recognising that, oftentimes, while our fear has the best of intentions, and it absolutely does, right, this is not something to shame ourselves over and to say, oh, I just wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't so afraid or untrusting or anxious, really, that part of you is working overtime to try and keep you safe, and that's a beautiful thing. But the problem is, it can often have the effect of almost becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. If you're constantly on the lookout for something bad that's going to happen and you're always testing someone or asking them for more and more and more reassurance, that behaviour can have the effect of driving people away because it can lead them to feel accused or like they're not being trusted, when they haven't done anything wrong, and all of those things.
[00:05:26]:
So recognising that, recognising this complex interplay between fear and trust and vulnerability and uncertainty and I suppose recognising the simple truth, which I find to be quite liberating, you might find it to be terrifying, but hopefully you find some liberation in it, is that there are no guarantees. And love is inherently risky and vulnerable. And no matter what you do, no matter how much information you gather, no matter how many questions you ask or how much snooping you engage in, no matter what someone says to you or doesn't say to you, there are still no guarantees that you won't get hurt, that they won't leave you, that you won't get rejected, that you'll live happily ever after. There are no guarantees. Anything could happen. It's outside of our control or our ability to predict. And so really all we can do is choose. How do I want to show up today? How do I want to be today, knowing that's what's within my control? Now, this doesn't mean being blind as to circumstances that are not working for us.
[00:06:44]:
If there are known breaches of trust and we know that's impacting our sense of safety in the relationship, if there are problematic behaviours that we're clearly not comfortable with, in no way am I suggesting that you just put your blinders on and keep choosing to trust and trust and trust. But in the absence of those things, and if it's just this lingering sense of worry or anxiety that something bad could happen, then I'd really encourage you to see that for what it is, to recognise that, yes, your fear is trying to keep you safe. But at the same time, safe probably means disconnected. And safe probably means living in this unrealistic, illusory world where you have certainty and it's just not attainable, it's not compatible with the vulnerability of being in relationship. Because relationships are vulnerable and they do involve risks and unknowns and uncertainty. But when we make our peace with that and we realise what is actually within our control, then it's a huge relief to our system because we're working overtime to try and control things that we can't. And that is really exhausting. And it really does block connection, it really does keep us so stuck in fear.
[00:08:04]:
And I think, most importantly, it stops us from seeing all the good in our relationship because we're so laser focused on magnifying the bad and on scrutinising every little thing that could become a problem in the future. We miss a lot of the goodness that's in front of us and that's a real shame because that's the stuff that we need to be, not only seeing and appreciating and soaking up and receiving, but actively nurturing. And there tends not to be a lot of space or capacity in our system to do that when we're so clouded by fear. So all of that to say, what I really want to emphasise for you, is that rather than waiting for trust to arrive as some sort of feeling, right, and I get so many questions like this, I'm not sure if I can trust them. How will I know if I trust them? I get the same questions about love. How do I know if I love someone? How do I know if I'm in love? I think we really rack our brains trying to decipher how will I know when I have a feeling or if I don't have a feeling? How do I make myself have a feeling, or I do have a feeling, and how do I make myself stop having a feeling? And I think that that's a pretty futile exercise most of the time, partly because it means something different to all of us. What you're saying when you ask me how do I know if I'm in love with someone, it might be completely different for you than it is for me. And it is so abstract and subjective.
[00:09:35]:
But more than that, even if we did have some sort of universal, clear definition of those things, which we don't, trying to force a feeling one way or the other, trying to force ourselves to feel something that we don't, or trying to force ourselves to not feel something that we do, usually doesn't work very well. And I'm sure if you've tried that, you would know that that tends not to be very effective. And if anything, just causes us more stress because we're kind of pushing against what is within ourselves. So rather than trying to force a feeling of trust, or wait for a feeling of trust before you extend an action of trust or create an environment of trust in your relationship, what would it be like to treat trust as an action that you can choose? Right. Trust is a choice that I make. This is something that has been really helpful for me in my current relationship and previous relationships. There was this sense of either I can be in hyper vigilance and I can be in this mode of waiting for something bad to happen and being on the lookout for that, and being in this sort of anticipatory, braced position, or I can just let go and I can choose to trust. And either way, I can't prevent something bad from happening. Right?
[00:10:54]:
But I know what it costs me to do the former thing rather than the latter thing on a day to day basis in my relationship. I know what it costs me to not trust, to not choose trust, because it is not a very nice internal experience for me and it doesn't create a very nice relational environment as between me and a partner, to be in that mode of anxiety and mistrust and seeking to control things that I can't so recognising either way. And again, I hope this is liberating, but it might be really terrifying. You can engage in all of the controlling behaviours that you want, all of the snooping and the detective playing and the seeking reassurance and the testing. And even still, it is not going to change whether or not you can trust your partner, right? It's not going to change whether something bad happens or not. You can't derisk with those sorts of controlling behaviours, but you can cause a lot of damage to yourself and to your relationship. So what would it be like if you just chose to trust and to let go? It's sort of like I heard a visual on another podcast and I can't remember exactly where it was, but it's sort of this image of imagining a brick wall with a rope attached to it. And you're just spending all day long pulling on this rope that's clearly not going anywhere, right? It's fixed to a brick wall.
[00:12:22]:
What would it be like to just let go? And how much energy would that free up? How much space would you create to do other things and to feel other things, to receive other things, if you weren't spending so much time pulling on that rope? So something to think about. Trust is not risk free. In fact, it always involves risk. So rather than waiting to feel trust in a way that feels completely safe and risk free because you probably will never get there, can you instead step towards the vulnerability of choosing trust, knowing that either way, you cannot control the outcome, you cannot predict the future? There are no guarantees, but you have a much greater chance of finding joy and peace and gratitude today and tomorrow and the next day if you are living from an open hearted place of trust, rather than a closed hearted place of suspicion and fear and hyper vigilance and aversion to any risk or vulnerability. So I hope that that has given you something to think about and has been a helpful reframe on something that a lot of us, I think, struggle with. And it is a struggle. I'm not saying it isn't. I'm not saying that you just flip a switch and all of a sudden your quote, unquote trust issues are going to dissolve into a puddle but I think it's a much more empowering way to relate to trust than just telling ourselves, well, I have trust issues, or I'm not good at that, or how do I know if I can trust someone? Just choosing, right? Just choosing and seeing what happens, I think is a really beautiful, freeing way to approach it.
[00:14:11]:
So I hope that you all have a really beautiful holiday season spending time with whoever you're spending time with. Stay safe, take good care of yourselves, and I will see you again next week for our last episode of the year, which is very, very exciting. Thank you again for all of your support. I'm so grateful for you have a beautiful, festive season, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:38]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I.
[00:14:59]:
Hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, trust, vulnerability, secure relationships, fear, anxiety, insecure attachment, reliability, connection, breakups, fear in relationships, gratitude, trust issues, love, control, certainty, risk, uncertainty, choosing trust, suspicion, hyper vigilance, open hearted trust, joy in relationships, peace in relationships, holiday season, festive season, self care, Instagram, podcast, reviews
3 Relationship Superpowers
In today's episode, we're unpacking three relationship superpowers (which frankly are also life superpowers!). These are the skills and mindset pieces that I wish for everyone to be cultivating as they walk the path of becoming more secure in themselves and in their partnerships.
In today's episode, we're unpacking three relationship superpowers (which frankly are also life superpowers!). These are the skills and mindset pieces that I wish for everyone to be cultivating as they walk the path of becoming more secure in themselves and in their partnerships.
Mastering the Relationship Superpowers: Discernment, Humility, and Perspective
In the landscape of relationships, certain qualities act as superpowers, allowing us to navigate the complex terrain of emotional connections with greater resilience and harmony. These so-called relationship superpowers — discernment, humility and perspective — are not limited to romantic bonds. Their impact extends to various facets of life. However, when cultivated within the context of relationships, these traits hold the potential to wield significant positive influence over the dynamics, energy, and internal landscapes of partnerships.
The Power of Discernment
At the core of discernment lies the invaluable attribute of self-trust. When one develops discernment, they arrive at a place where they can trust their own judgment, even in circumstances characterised by nuance and complexity. Empowered with discernment, individuals can refrain from the compulsion to seek perfect answers from external sources.
Instead, they are equipped with the ability to exercise judgment and make decisions based on a multifaceted understanding of the situation. This involves a conscious effort to resist the allure of simplifying complex scenarios and to embrace nuance and multiple perspectives.
Furthermore, the skill of discernment is keenly intertwined with the recognition of personal agency. For those grappling with insecurities rooted in attachment patterns, nurturing discernment can lead to a significant reduction in impulsive reactions driven by fear and anxiety.
By learning to trust our judgment, we become less likely to be shackled by an apprehensive, binary mindset, and are more inclined towards curiosity, empathy, and a balanced approach towards our relationships.
The Role of Humility
Humility emerges as a crucial relationship superpower, particularly for individuals with anxious-leaning attachment patterns. The inherent tendency to assume an all-encompassing understanding of a partner's emotions and needs can be rooted in an arrogance that undermines the partner's agency and autonomy.
By exercising humility, we can refrain from assuming an authoritative stance over our partner's experiences and emotions, and can adopt a more receptive and open-minded approach. This embrace of humility fosters an environment where partners have the freedom to chart their own paths. It serves as a liberating force, dispelling the burden of responsibility for influencing and dictating the partner's emotions, actions, and decisions.
Nurturing a Perspective
In times of fear and insecurity, individuals often find themselves trapped in a cycle of hyper-focused attention on minor details, which subsequently leads to overblown, catastrophic interpretations. In developing the superpower of perspective, one can elevate their gaze beyond the micro-moments of conflict and disillusionment. By adopting a perspective-oriented approach, individuals can train themselves to resist catastrophizing minor disturbances and, instead, broaden their view to encompass the inherent imperfections and the ebbs and flows that characterise every relationship.
The adept management of perspective involves a conscious effort to recalibrate the narrative from an inherently negative bias to an understanding rooted in gratitude and contentment. This shift in focus serves as a counterbalance to the hyper-vigilant over-analysis of negative events, thereby creating space for recognising the value and positivity inherent in the relationship.
Integration of Relationship Superpowers
The integration of discernment, humility, and perspective as relationship superpowers presents a transformative opportunity for individuals navigating the often intricate and demanding terrain of emotional connections. By cultivating discernment, individuals can alleviate the grip of anxiety-driven reactions and foster a culture of transparency, empathy, and understanding within their relationships. The infusion of humility serves as a force for dispelling the tendency to assume control over a partner's emotions and experiences while embracing an open, receptive stance towards surprises and individual autonomy.
Moreover, the integration of perspective reorients the internal dialogue from a fear-driven narrative to one rooted in gratitude and acceptance of the imperfections inherent in every relationship. This collective integration of relationship superpowers sets the stage for a profound recalibration, allowing individuals to engage in their relationships with a renewed sense of resilience, harmony, and interconnectedness.
Conclusion
The trilogy of discernment, humility, and perspective, when embraced as relationship superpowers, serves as an indispensable compass for individuals seeking to navigate the unpredictable yet wondrous realm of human connection. While their impact extends beyond the confines of relationships, their cultivation within this sphere unfurls the potential for transformative growth, resilience, and harmony.
As we embrace the guiding ethos of discernment, humility, and perspective, the journey towards fostering healthy and thriving relationships becomes illuminated with the promise of self-confidence, empathy and profound interconnectedness.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How does your level of self-trust impact your ability to exercise discernment in your relationships? Have there been instances where your lack of self-trust has affected your judgment in a relationship?
Can you recall a time when you felt compelled to influence or control your partner's emotions, decisions, or actions? How did this impact your relationship? In what ways do you believe humility could have helped the situation?
Reflect on a recent conflict or disagreement in your relationship. How did your ability to keep things in perspective (or lack thereof) influence the outcome and your emotional well-being?
Have you ever found yourself magnifying a minor issue in your relationship, leading to catastrophic conclusions? How do you think cultivating more perspective could help in such situations?
Do you tend to fixate on finding the "perfect" decision in your relationships, fearing the consequences of making the "wrong" choice? How might practising discernment and humility alleviate this fear and shift your approach to decision-making?
Think about a time when your lack of humility impacted your relationship. How might staying humble have changed the dynamics of that situation?
Reflect on a recent relationship challenge - how might you have used discernment, humility, or perspective to approach the situation differently?
Do you feel that your fear or anxiety narrows your perspective in your relationships? How might expanding your perspective lead to healthier, more balanced interactions with your partner?
In what ways do you see the concepts of discernment, humility, and perspective intertwining to create a healthier relationship dynamic? Can you think of a situation where these powers worked together positively in your relationship?
Think about a time when you successfully exercised discernment, humility, or perspective in your relationship. How did it impact the outcome? What did you learn from that experience?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about three relationship superpowers. Now, as I say that, and as I was planning for this episode, I was thinking it could just as easily be three life superpowers because the things that I'm going to share with you today are not specific to relationships. But this being a podcast largely about relationships, I thought I'd frame it in that context because I think that the skills that I'm going to share with you today, these attributes that we can all and should all be seeking to develop within ourselves, are really, really powerful in that arena of relationships, in shifting how we show up the energy that we bring to the relationships and our internal relationship, which has really beautiful knock on effects in our broader relationship.
[00:01:24]:
So the things that I'm going to be sharing today are really I was on a Q-A call for healing anxious attachment earlier this week, and I was saying to the students, if I could wave a magic wand and bestow upon you one skill or a handful of skills, it would be these. Because I'm very much of the view that becoming self confident and really resilient in ourselves and in our relationships is about learning to stand an hour and 2ft. Which is why I'll often be reluctant to give people very specific, instructive advice on what to do in a particular situation, because it's almost that old saying of give a man a fish and feed him for a day or teach him how to fish and feed him for a lifetime. And so my approach with my clients and students is always to try and teach you how to fish. And that's kind of going to be the crux of what these three relationship superpowers get at that I'm going to share with you shortly. So that is what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a very quick reminder that healing anxious attachment is still open for registration. I'm going to leave it open for another week or so for this round if you are wanting to join.
[00:02:45]:
Really great time to do it. I will probably run the course once more before I have a baby in May next year, but I'm not really sure what the format will be. It will probably be less interactive than the current round, just because I'm trying to manage my capacity and energy in the lead up to having a baby. So the current round has a live community. We had a live Q a call, as I said earlier this week, and we may well have another one. So it is a really great round to join. And if anyone has been interested in the programme, there may be limited opportunities between now and may next year. And then I'll be taking a bit of a break.
[00:03:22]:
So time is of the essence. And all of that is linked in the show notes and on my website, of course. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around three relationship superpowers. So the first one that I want to share with you is the power of discernment. Now, I think discernment is really inextricably linked to self trust, and I think it builds self trust. And in turn, as we build self trust, we hone our power of discernment. Now, I think discernment, maybe it's hard to define. I think to me it's around judgement.
[00:03:59]:
Can I make a judgement call on a situation that is nuanced and messy, and trust in my ability to do that, rather than needing to find the perfect answer and oftentimes source that answer from something outside of myself. So as much as I love receiving questions from my community, and I do that each week on Instagram, I'll put out a question box and people ask me questions. And I love to guide people to hone their discernment through illustrating how I would approach an issue. And I think that that can be really useful, giving illustrative examples of that. At the same time, I'm always very reluctant or hesitant to stipulate to someone specifically what they should do in a situation. Right. You'll notice, if you do listen to me, giving people feedback or guidance on a situation that often, I will put it back to them and I'll ask them, what does it feel like to you? Or what is it that you're wanting? Or if someone asks me, does it matter that this is happening? Or should I be worried about that? And I'll often put it back on them and say, will you tell me? Right. Because as I alluded to in the introduction, I really don't want people to have reinforced an already existing tendency to rely on something outside of themselves to provide the answers for what is right for them, what is true for them, and what they need to do.
[00:05:26]:
Because I think the more we do that, the more we rely on that. And the less we trust ourselves, the less we trust our own judgement. Because it really is only in practising that that we start to go, oh, okay, I can wade into the messy waters of a complex situation and I can survey the landscape and I can consider all of the shades of grey that might exist here and I can come up with a good enough solution for me, which will probably be the best solution for me in any given moment. I think that so often our reluctance to exercise our own judgement and trust our own judgement is because we are attached to this idea of there being a perfect decision or a right decision, and that the right decision is one where we will get the outcome that we want or we won't have any regret, that we'll secure a certain course of events or trajectory that will follow from that decision. And I think that really is an illusion that is grounded in a need for control. And often it's only in hindsight we go, oh, that didn't pan out the ways that I was hoping. Therefore it was the wrong decision. Whereas I think the more emotionally mature and self trusting version of that is I made the best decision I could based on what I knew at the time.
[00:06:44]:
And that was still the right decision, even though it might not have played out the way that I had anticipated or hoped for. And so I think the ability to be discerning is all of that. It's being able to trust our judgement. It's taking in all of the facts of a situation rather than jumping to conclusions or acting impulsively. It's recognising the existence of nuance and multiple perspectives and perceptions of a situation, rather than being so attached to our own story that we can't actually see beyond it. It's almost like zooming out from a situation and doing like a 360 degree revolution of a situation and going, oh, okay. There's more here than what I initially realised. I think also when it comes to discernment, we're able to do that more readily and more confidently when we recognise that we have agency.
[00:07:43]:
I think that if you're someone who struggles to trust your own judgement, because maybe you've wound up in situations previously where you ignored your judgement and then you persisted in a dynamic that was unhealthy or that you didn't have a good feeling about, but for whatever reason you stayed in it or any number of other things, maybe you really thought something was great and it turned out not to be. And so that kind of chips away at your trust in your own judgement and discernment and while all of that makes a lot of sense, of course our experience in the past is going to inform how we feel in the present and how we approach the future. I think that the more we remind ourselves of our agency, of our power to choose in a moment to moment way, it kind of counteracts that fear story that says if you don't make the perfect decision, you are going to be trapped. And so when we have the discernment and go, yeah, okay, I'm going to make the best decision I can or I'm going to see this situation in a way that's murky and messy and nuanced. And I recognise that I can continue to fine tune that, to finesse that, to pivot as needed. I'm not locking myself into anything, I'm not going to be trapped, I'm not going to be powerless, because I think that is what our fear would have us believe. And of course that's really frightening if we think that making a decision is tantamount to locking ourselves into something that's potentially really not what we want. So hopefully it's clear, as I share some thoughts on discernment, why that's so powerful in a relationship.
[00:09:17]:
I think for most everyone who falls on the spectrum of insecure attachment, whether it's anxious leaning, avoidant leaning or some combination of the two, the ability to trust ourselves, to trust our judgement, to trust in our ability to be discerning, is underdeveloped or impaired much of the time. And so when we start to build that up, we're much less likely to react impulsively, to panic and let our fear grab the wheel and be in the driver's seat of our relationships. As so often happens, we're able to give our partner the benefit of the doubt in a way that we probably struggle to when we are stuck in a really either or blame driven mindset, or one that needs to figure out who the villain is, figure out who the bad guy is and proceed on that basis. When we can be discerning and we can slow down and get curious and then trust our own judgement and trust ourselves to behave in a way that is aligned and in integrity and grounded, then there's much less urgency to our relationships because it feels like we can act in a way that is honouring of us and them and the relationship itself, without needing to be inherently self protective or defensive or attacking or any of those other things. I think discernment really is hugely valuable, as I said, for ourselves and our own relationship and inner environment of self trust but also when it comes to our relationships and our capacity to see what is happening in our relationships with clarity and to trust in our ability to know what to do next. Okay, the second relationship superpower that I want to share with you is humility. So again, I think that I've probably spoken about this many times on the show, but one of the most valuable and the most challenging things that we can do in our relationships is stay humble. For those of us who are more anxious, leaning in our attachment patterns, there's a real tendency to think that we know everything that's going on in our partner and we know what they need and we know that better than they do.
[00:11:32]:
And I think that that flows from the fact that we spend so much time thinking about it, right? If we've done all of the ruminating and the wondering and the hypothesising and the strategizing, and we've read all the books and we've listened to all the podcasts and we've done all this stuff, we really feel like we've equipped ourselves with a lot of information. And when we combine that with our baseline level of sensitivity and attunement, our ability to read those cues and take in a lot of information about someone else's emotional state and feel very tapped into that, it's easy to think that we know their inner world and what they need to do better than they do, and that we know everything about them now, while we might know them really well. And that's a beautiful thing. I think there can be almost an arrogance to that assumption that we know what someone needs more than they do, and that it is our job, our responsibility. It's incumbent upon us to try and influence them in the direction of what we think is best for them, particularly when that runs counter to what they are articulating they need or want. And so it's really important to stay humble, to really sit in the recognition of the fact that you don't know everything, you are not all knowing, and that it actually costs you a lot to try and play the role of puppet master or master influencer in your relationships and taking responsibility for everyone else's emotions and choices and decisions and needs and wants. It's actually very liberating to sit in the humility of recognising. I actually don't know.
[00:13:23]:
I don't know what they're thinking or feeling beyond what they tell me. I can do all of the psychoanalysing that I want and say, oh, they're just doing this because they're scared of that, and you might be right, but you might be wrong. And I think the part of us that really wants to establish certainty and wants to feel a sense of control by having a clear picture of what's going on and what's true and make it all make sense in a way that makes us feel comfortable, can really take us away from that place of humility. And this is not easy to do. This is something that I absolutely have to keep an eye on within myself, particularly doing this work. As you can imagine, it's easy for me to get kind of arrogant and assume that I know my partner and other people in my life, that I know what's going on for them before they do, or at a level that they haven't quite grasped, and again, might be right, but it could very well be wrong. And it's actually much more freeing for me to not go into that realm of needing to figure it out on someone's behalf, of letting them walk their own path, of letting them be on their own trajectory and actually not meddling or interfering with that, as I said, to influence it in the direction of what I think is best or what would be most comfortable for me, which is ultimately quite a self serving agenda. So staying humble, staying curious, being open to being surprised by someone, rather than feeling like you need to have it all figured out and that you need to provide all of the solutions and all of the insights.
[00:15:00]:
Let your partner and let others in your life surprise you. Okay? And last but not least, the third relationship superpower that I want to share with you is perspective. So I think that when we are in fear, in insecurity, in anxiety, in stress, our field of vision narrows and we get very zoomed in on micro moments. It might be one small comment that your partner says, and all of a sudden you're doubting the future of the relationship. You're wondering if things are always going to be like this, and how could they do that? And does the fact that they said this or thought that, or behaved in that way mean that they don't love you, they don't care about you, they're actually not a good partner for you? We take something very little, and then we extrapolate it to really big, generalised, universal conclusions and projections that tend to be fear driven. Right? They tend to be catastrophic, they tend not to be. It's very rare that we're taking a micro moment and then extrapolating it to be something really beautiful and global. It's almost always a dark, negative spin on what's happening and I think that it's so important to.
[00:16:10]:
It kind of links back with discernment. And I had a question from someone in healing anxious attachment, asking how do I know when to let things go versus when to bring something up that I'm bothered by. And I think that is a question that cultivating that power of discernment will really help you with situations like that. Trusting your own judgement, but also keeping things in perspective. Because I think if you're talking about building a long term relationship with someone, a relationship that is notionally for life, or at least for the long term, then do you really want to be fixating on and dragging yourself through the mud on every single little thing that happens, every moment of temporary rupture or disconnection? Now, it's not to say that we want to create a relationship culture where we're routinely sweeping things under the rug that are building up and causing resentment and stress and disconnection kind of rumbling underneath the surface. But at the same time, I think, again, there can be some liberation and some spaciousness in keeping things in perspective and going okay, my partner and I were a bit irritable at each other this morning, and that's okay because we have a beautiful relationship and I don't have to. For me personally, it's been very relieving for me to adopt an approach of keeping things in perspective, of reminding myself if I get upset with Joel or something, he just bothers me. Reminding myself that I love this person and they are a good person and all of the things that are really great about our relationship, so that I don't go so easily into that doom spiral of, oh, this one thing that he does or did makes him a bad person, makes our relationship wrong, means that it's only going to get worse from here and I'm going to be trapped.
[00:18:02]:
All of that is so, it's such an easy, slippery slope to go down, and it inevitably, invariably makes you feel worse. So rather than doing that, can we keep it in perspective? Can we keep the moment or the little thing as the little thing that it is, rather than blowing it up into a big thing and just see what that feels like? Because I think the hyper vigilant part of us, the part that is always on the lookout for danger, is going to blow those things up and wave a really big red flag and go, you need to be on high alert for this thing, and you need to make sure it never happens again and go into all of your full protective force on putting out every single little spotfire that might come up. And again, it's about discernment, it's about balancing, because we don't want to be ignoring these things to the point where they really do build up. But I think that there's a lot of value in just letting things go. Not in a way where you are holding onto it internally, but actually letting go of it internally as well. And I think that doing that just means that we're able to almost correct the negative bias that will exist as a baseline for a lot of us, where we are trained to focus on what's wrong or what's missing or what's not enough and what we could use more of. And in choosing to let that go and keep things in perspective, we can sort of retrain ourselves to recognise all that is good and all that we are grateful for and all that we value in our relationship as it is, rather than always focusing on what's missing or what could be better. Because, as you will have heard me say so many times before, relationships are imperfect and there will be seasons of disconnection and there will be ebb and flow.
[00:19:47]:
And I think the more we can accept that and expect that and make our peace with that, then the less anxiety we're going to feel every time there's a bump in the road, every time something comes up and we go to that place of, this is very, very bad and needs to be solved urgently because it's threatening to everything. Can we trust a little more in the fabric of our relationship that we're building, in the foundations that we've created and know that it's okay? It's okay if we have an off day, week or even month in the context of our broader relationship and the thing that we're building, can I trust that we do have stronger foundations than that and come back to the love and the respect and the care that I know exists between us, rather than taking every little thing that happens as evidence for some very catastrophic story that I'm running in my head about how you're going to hurt me or how I'm going to be trapped in an unhappy relationship, or whatever other worst case scenario I've convinced myself of, that I'm subconsciously scanning for evidence of all the time. So keeping things in perspective and letting things go is a very, very liberating practise and one that will pay huge dividends in the overall energy and tone of your relationship and allow you to recalibrate to something that is less focused on the negative and creates, I think, more space and more capacity for you to see all of the value and the richness and the positivity and the goodness that is there in your relationship. So, gosh, I'm out of breath. I am almost five months pregnant. And I tell you what, it's getting harder and harder to record these podcasts without gasping for air all the time. So if you can hear me panting, that is why I hope that this has been helpful. I hope that that's given you something to reflect on these relationship superpowers, life superpowers, if we want to call them that, and given you some food for thought on maybe where you've got room to grow on these.
[00:21:51]:
Maybe where the absence or the underdevelopment of these traits, whether in you or your partner or others in your life, is maybe impacting the relationship and what steps you might start taking in the direction of cultivating more discernment, more humility, and more perspective in yourself and in your relationship. So I really hope that that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, guidance, knowledge, practical tools, insecurity, healthy, thriving, self-confidence, resilience, self-trust, discernment, judgement, nuanced, messy, internal relationship, anxious attachment, interactive, community, humility, arrogance, perspective, fear, stress, hyper vigilant, imperfect relationships, ebb and flow, negative bias, love, respect, pregnancy
Why You Should Prioritise Self-Care in a Relationship
In today's episode, we're talking all about the importance of self-care in a relationship, and how prioritising self-care can (somewhat counterintuitively) be far more nourishing and constructive for the relationship than being overly focused on the relationship itself.
The Overlooked Puzzle Piece in Relationships
When we talk about building healthy relationships, the focus is often on the dynamics between partners, communication, conflict resolution, and meeting each other’s needs. However, the importance of self-care in the context of a relationship is often overlooked. Especially for those of us with more anxious attachment patterns, the tendency to hyper-focus on the relationship and neglect self-care can lead to feelings of emptiness and neediness.
Neglecting Self-Care in Relationships
In times of stress or strain in a relationship, it's common for us to neglect our own well-being and put all our energy into the relationship. This can lead to a downward spiral, where our focus on unmet needs and relationship stress amplifies, inhibiting genuine connection and enjoyment in the relationship. This pattern of overwhelming attention to the relationship dynamics often leads to increased stress, preventing the attainment of genuine needs and inhibiting the natural flow of connection.
The Importance of Self-Care for Those with Anxious Attachment
For those of us with anxious attachment patterns, the relationship tends to serve as the primary source of self-worth and validation, often resulting in a lack of individual identity and self-trust. By prioritising self-care in the context of a relationship, we can develop an embodied sense of self, leading to increased self-confidence and the ability to navigate the world with a genuine sense of empowerment. It shifts the dynamic, allowing for an authentic connection in the relationship and reducing the pressure on the partner to fulfill all emotional needs.
Cultivating a Sense of Self-Trust
By investing in self-care, we can cultivate a deep sense of self-trust and empowerment. This internal strength enables us to face relationship challenges with ease and resilience, significantly altering the energy and dynamic within the partnership. Instead of relying solely on the relationship for validation and emotional stability, when we stand firmly in our self-trust, the relationship becomes an enhancement to our well-being rather than a lifeline.
The Impact of Self-Care on Relationships and Beyond
Prioritising self-care doesn't just benefit the relationship; it permeates into every aspect of life. Increased self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence lead to a transformative shift in worldview and capabilities. When we care for ourselves, we become more capable of navigating life's challenges, thus reducing the stakes on the relationship and external factors. This ripple effect extends to friendships and daily experiences, creating a sense of inner peace and rootedness.
Focusing on Practical Self-Care
Self-care isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about daily practices that keep us grounded and responsive to our needs. Whether it's maintaining a routine, engaging in activities that provide nourishment, or recognising and addressing stress and dysregulation, practical self-care is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of well-being. By actively investing in self-care, we create space for authentic connection, creativity, and confidence, in addition to reducing the pressure on our partners in the relationship.
Closing Thoughts
Prioritising self-care in a relationship is vital for building a healthy and thriving connection. It empowers us to develop a sense of self-trust, self-identity, and self-worth, thereby reducing the pressure on the relationship to fulfill all emotional needs. This, in turn, leads to increased authenticity, empowerment, and nourishment, not only in the relationship but in all aspects of life. By focusing on practical self-care and nurturing our individual well-being, we can enhance our relationships while also cultivating a greater sense of confidence and resilience in navigating life's challenges.
By embracing self-care, we can reframe our approach to relationships, creating a foundation grounded in self-trust, empowerment, and authentic connection.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How can prioritising self-care in a relationship help create a healthier and more thriving dynamic?
In what ways can anxious attachment patterns lead individuals to overly focus on the relationship to the exclusion of self-care?
What are some examples of self-care practices that individuals can adopt to nourish themselves and thrive as individuals within a relationship?
How can developing a strong sense of self-trust and self-worth positively impact relationships and one's overall well-being?
What are the potential negative consequences of neglecting self-care in the context of a relationship, especially during stressful times?
Why is it important to find a balance between focusing on the relationship and prioritising individual self-care in a partnership?
How does Stephanie’s perspective on self-care and attachment patterns align with your own experiences or challenges in relationships?
What role does self-care play in mitigating insecurities and fears within a relationship?
How can overly relying on a partner for validation and self-worth impact the dynamics of a relationship, and what strategies can be used to address this?
In what ways can practicing regular self-care influence not only relationship dynamics but also one's interactions with the broader world and sense of self?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I want to share some thoughts about the importance of self care in a relationship. Now, I think that this is something that we maybe overlook a lot of the time when we're talking about what it takes to build a healthy relationship, usually we're focusing on the relationship. And that's understandable, that makes sense, that we'd be thinking about the dynamics as between us, our communication, our conflict, how to talk about needs and all of that stuff that is inherently and overtly relational. But I think a really important puzzle piece and particularly for those of us who struggle with more anxious attachment patterns and who very much have that tendency to focus on the relational piece all the time, sometimes to the exclusion of the self piece.
[00:01:22]:
It really can't be overstated how important it is to really focus on the way that you take care of yourself in the context of the relationship, both for your own sake, but also really for the sake of the relationship. So I'm going to share some thoughts on why this is important, what it might look like, what tends to happen when we neglect self care in the context of a relationship. So that you can maybe start to reflect on how you relate to all of that, whether you have those tendencies and those patterns, particularly maybe in times of stress in your relationship when things are feeling strained. We can. Get a little bit lazy or sloppy with our self care. And that can fall by the wayside in favour of putting all of our eggs in the basket of focusing on the relationship. And maybe if that's something that resonates with you throughout today's discussion, you can start to think about what it might be like to recalibrate, to find a bit more of a balance that allows you to stay connected to yourself and really thrive as an individual and in so doing come to your relationship from a place of fullness and vibrancy and vitality rather than one of lack and need and emptiness, which I think is what can happen a lot of the time. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:51]:
Before I do that, just a very quick reminder that you can still sign up for healing, anxious attachment. We've got around 300 people in the current cohort and it's a really, really great round to join. We have a live Q and A next week, which you will be invited to if you join. Between now and then. There's also an online community for this round of the programme, so you get to connect with other people. It's amazing. I've been scrolling through all of the posts people sharing insights and asking for advice, and I've gone to reply only to see that other brilliant people in the group have already said what I would say. So it is a really nice, supportive, really nuanced and intelligent space for discussion and connection with other like minded people.
[00:03:36]:
So I really do encourage you to cheque it out if you're interested. You can find all of that on my website pretty easily and it's also in the show notes. Okay, so let's talk about the importance of self care in a relationship. Now, as I've talked about before, I had another episode a few months back around cultivating separateness in a relationship, which I think is a similar idea. But I think for those of us who have more anxiety, anxious attachment when it comes to our relationship patterns, the default mode is going to be to focus all of our attention or a huge percentage of our attention on the relationship. And oftentimes we don't even realise we're doing that because it comes so naturally to us. Of course, I'm in a default to thinking about my relationship and my partner and the things that maybe aren't working or the things that are working, or no matter what, we tend to put a lot of our energy there. And it's not that that's a problem, it's not that we need to not do that.
[00:04:37]:
But as with all things, it can be taken to extremes. And I think that for a lot of us, and particularly as I alluded to in the introduction, for a lot of us, when times feel strained, when our relationship is feeling a little stressful or a little wobbly, which I think for a lot of us with insecure, attachment might be more often than not, just because that's what we're trained to look for. We're trained to look for the things that are wrong, the things that aren't working, the potential warning signs, the unmet needs. That tends to be where our focus goes. We have this really strong negative bias and when that's the case, we tend to amplify our efforts, our investment, our attention on all of those things. And I think that can in turn amplify our stress because so much of our focus is on stressful inputs, right? Are we a good fit for each other? Does my partner love me? Do they care? All of these unmet needs, are they ever going to be met by this person? Am I going to be this stressed forever? All of that kind of stuff can get pretty heavy pretty quickly if that's the weight that you're carrying on your shoulders as you move through day to day life. And I think it really does become a downward spiral because when we're in that space, when we're carrying all of that, and when we're ruminating over it all the time and maybe we're bringing it up in conversation with our partner frequently enough that it feels very front and centre. It feels like it's taking up a lot of space in the relationship.
[00:06:10]:
Then I think that we stop enjoying each other so much, it really inhibits our connection and so it tends to really spiral from there. We're less likely to get our needs met when all we ever do is think about our unmet needs and talk about the things that are wrong. Right? It's not a very inspiring or motivating environment or culture for the relationship. And so I think we have to really look at that. And when you're in it, it can feel impossible to do anything else because to take your eye off the ball, to stop focusing on your relationship and focus on something else, focus on yourself, can feel really unsafe. It can feel like, well, if I don't keep policing all of this, if I'm not vigilant about all the things that are wrong, if I do turn my back on that or turn away from that, then it's all going to fall to pieces. Maybe there's a feeling that it's only being held together by a thread because of your obsessive focus on all of those things. But I think, ironically, I think the truth is, more often than not, it is in releasing the grip, in stepping back, in breathing some oxygen into that relational sphere that we can really freshen things up.
[00:07:27]:
We can change the whole atmosphere and vibe of the relationship into something that feels more spacious, that feels less stressful, that feels like more fertile ground for connection. And so this is where we come to the importance of self care because that dynamic and that pattern that I've just described is really easy to fall into. And when we're there, I think that it's safe to say most of us are probably not focusing on our own well being in that place. We're not focusing on, am I taking really good care of myself? Am I doing all of the things that I know help me to thrive as an individual? I can say from personal experience, when I've had periods like that in my relationships, a lot of that stuff kind of falls away. My own routines, my self care, the ways in which I nourish myself, feel like there's no space for that, there's no time for that. Or maybe I just feel really flat and unmotivated to do those things because the stress feels so overwhelming or feels so much more important than all of those other frivolous things. But I think we have to not take what our stress would have us believe. Sometimes we need to act from a more empowered and wise place that probably knows that that's not really the way.
[00:09:01]:
And so my invitation to you is, what would it be like if you're in that place in your relationship, or even if things aren't really dire at the moment and it's more of a general recalibration that might need to take place? Because your base case, your default mode, is to just be overly the scales are tipped in favour of thinking about your partner in the relationship in a way that leaves you a little bit undernourished. My invitation to you is what would it be like to rebalance that and to start to really actively, intentionally, consciously prioritise your own well being in the relationship? Now, there are a few reasons why I consider this to be a very very fruitful and rewarding thing for most everyone to prioritise in partnership and in your relationship to self. I think the first one is, and this is really important, particularly for folks with anxious attachment patterns who tend to really derive a lot of their sense of self worth, of identity, of validation, of just feeling okay in the world. If you tend to derive that from your relationship, from your partner, from being tethered to someone, and you tend to navigate the world via the relationship, then disentangling that just enough so that you can stand on your own. 2ft. It's not about becoming siloed from your partner. It's not about swinging to the other extreme of hyper independence and not needing anyone. But it's about cultivating this really embodied sense of actually, I have a separate sense of self and I know who I am and I enjoy my own company.
[00:10:49]:
And there are plenty of things that I can do that I can reach for that I know are really nourishing to me that allow me to move through my day with a sense of vitality and empowerment and general well being. And when you're coming to the relationship or just showing up to life from that place, everything feels not only more easeful and more joyful but I think the side effect is that you cultivate a really effortless self trust that no matter what happens you are resourced and capable to deal with it. So the more that we can build that sense of self up in our relationship, then, especially when times are tough in the relationship, we don't collapse into this really visceral fear of I've got nothing left. I'm a bit of a shell of myself. And so I desperately clutch and cling at this relationship or this person. Because without that, if I were to lose that, I would be losing everything. And that's a very, very vulnerable place to be. And I don't think it's a healthy place to come to relationship from because, of course, that feels terrifying.
[00:12:08]:
Of course if we've not got much else going on in our lives then our relationship does feel extremely all important to the point of I won't be okay if we're not together or if you don't love me or you don't want me or even if the relationship is just feeling bumpy that will cause extreme stress. If you don't have other things going on in your life, if you don't have a strong anchor within yourself that allows you to feel comfortable and confident. It's not about being immune to what's going on in your relationship. It's not about being indifferent to that or not being invested or committed to your relationship, but it's about having this deep sense of I can do this, I can handle what life throws at me. And I think that when we're kind of planted firm on the ground in our self trust in that way, it completely changes the dynamic in our relationship, the energy with which we show up to our relationship. And I think it has really positive ripple effects throughout not only our partnership, but our life, our friendships, everything else. It just lowers the stakes on needing to control all of those things that are outside of ourselves so that nothing bad happens, so that we don't have to face those uncomfortable feelings of emptiness or loneliness or fear. I think when we can shift into feeling really resourced, it sounds a little cliched, but like, filling our bucket really proactively, right? It's not about just having a self care day once a month and putting on a face mask and running a bubble bath.
[00:13:54]:
It might look like that for you, but it could also look like something totally different. I think for me, self care looks like just generally doing all of the things that I do on a day to day basis to keep my nervous system regulated. And to the extent that I feel myself in some Dysregulation or some stress or I feel a little out of kilter, then I'm attuned to that and I'm responsive to that. And I really take responsibility for offering to myself, to my body, whatever I might need in order to come back to centre or in order to feel better equipped to deal with whatever is going on in my life. And I think that the more we outsource that or ignore that, try and press the mute button on whatever our body is telling us, I think that's collectively, what we tend to do until we learn better is we treat all of that feedback from our body anxiety, stress, burnout, overwhelm. We treat those signals as inconvenient messengers to be muted, and we kind of just keep pushing through it. Whereas self care, as I'm referring to it here, is about turning towards those things and recognising that. That is our responsibility to take really good care of ourselves, to prioritise our well being really unashamedly.
[00:15:29]:
And I think that when we do that, ironically, our partner feels so much more willing and able to contribute to our well being to meet our needs, because they're not doing it from this place where there's a gun held to their head and we're bringing this energy of I need this from you or else. That's a lot of pressure. And particularly for someone with more avoidant patterns, that's likely to feel pretty overwhelming, pretty suffocating to have someone almost coercing you or pressuring you into filling them, making them okay, resolving all of their distress, that's a lot of pressure for anyone, but particularly someone with more avoidant patterns. So when we can get to this place where we're okay, we're pretty good on our own, and our relationship gets to be this beautiful thing that enhances our well being, rather than like the only leg propping up the table. It's the only thing giving us meaning, purpose, any sense of feeling okay in the world. That really does have an incredibly profound and positive ripple effect throughout, yes, the relationship. But I would say, more importantly, just the way that you move about the world, your sense of self esteem, self worth, self confidence, self trust, it really does totally revamp your worldview and what you feel capable of. And I think that's an incredibly powerful gift to give to yourself.
[00:17:05]:
So, long story short, if you notice these things within yourself, if you notice that you have that tendency to go all in on your relationship to self abandon, to focus obsessively on all of the little details and ruminating, on what your partner is thinking or feeling or are they meeting my needs or all of these things that we can just get a bit bogged down in, maybe see what it would be like to just put that to one side. Right. It's still going to be there. You don't have to worry that the whole world's going to come crashing down if you spend a week or two pivoting your focus to yourself and just see what it would be like to really go all in on you, on taking very good care of yourself, whatever that means to you. As I said, it doesn't have to be bubble baths and face masks, although it might be. I mean, I love a good bubble bath. It's really not about cliches. It's about tuning in and going, what do I need in this moment to feel more present, more grounded, more safe, more myself, more connected to who I am, where I am in a way that allows me to access all of those things joy, gratitude, and just see what happens from that place.
[00:18:31]:
Because, as I said, I think it's incredibly fertile ground for, yes, connection, but also creativity and self confidence and so many other good things that really pay dividends in so many aspects of life. So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that for a lot of people, this is hard stuff, but it is really powerful. So give it a go, let me know what you think, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, self-care, relationships, anxious attachment patterns, insecurity, thriving relationships, healthy relationship, communication, conflict, needs, stress, neglect, recalibrate, well-being, anxious attachment, self-nourishment, vitality, investment, self trust, self worth, identity, validation, empowerment, resourced, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, self trust, self-care routines, nervous system regulation, burnout, overwhelm
What is Emotional Availability?
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability. Emotional availability is one of those terms that is thrown around a lot on social media - and it seems like everybody is on the lookout for the "emotionally unavailable" people that are to be avoided at all costs. But as always, I think it's important to approach these conversations with nuance and curiosity, before slapping labels on others and declaring them to be the problem. As we discuss in this episode, our focus on others' emotional unavailability can often mask the parts of us that are hiding behind inauthenticity.
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability. Emotional availability is one of those terms that is thrown around a lot on social media - and it seems like everybody is on the lookout for the "emotionally unavailable" people that are to be avoided at all costs. But as always, I think it's important to approach these conversations with nuance and curiosity, before slapping labels on others and declaring them to be the problem. As we discuss in this episode, our focus on others' emotional unavailability can often mask the parts of us that are hiding behind inauthenticity.
Emotional availability is a crucial concept in modern relationships, especially in an era dominated by social media. It refers to an individual's emotional maturity, ability to articulate feelings, openness to honest conversations, and capacity to express themselves authentically without resorting to games or misleading behaviors. This definition underscores the importance of authenticity, emotional maturity, and genuine connections in relationships.
What is Emotional Availability?
Emotional availability is often discussed in the context of dating and relationships. It's a term that encapsulates the ability to be present and engaged in a relationship emotionally. An emotionally available person is someone who is capable of sharing their feelings, understands and respects their partner's emotional needs, and is willing to be vulnerable. This characteristic is essential for building a deep, meaningful connection with others.
The Importance of Self-Reflection
It's critical to consider your own emotional availability. Self-reflection helps in understanding why one might be attracted to individuals who exhibit traits of emotional unavailability. By exploring our behaviors and tendencies, especially in the context of anxious attachment patterns, we can identify and address issues like people-pleasing and approval-seeking. This awareness is vital for personal growth and healthier relationships.
Recognising Emotional Unavailability in Anxious Attachment Patterns
Emotional unavailability can often manifest in anxious attachment patterns. This might involve performing, shapeshifting, and constantly seeking validation, driven by a fear of being unlovable. Such behaviors often lead to presenting a curated persona, hindering the ability to form genuine connections. Emotional unavailability, in this context, stems from a lack of authenticity and honesty.
Accepting Authenticity and Vulnerability
Embracing authenticity and vulnerability is fundamental in relationships. Genuine connections require individuals to be true to themselves, without resorting to a curated version for validation or control. This approach fosters meaningful connections and establishes trust, leading to more fulfilling and sustainable relationships.
Embracing Change and Growth
Showing up as your true self, even at the risk of rejection, is essential for attracting and cultivating relationships with emotionally available partners. It's about embracing your entirety without the need for performance or inauthenticity. In summary, understanding and embracing emotional availability is key to developing genuine, meaningful relationships. Through self-reflection, embracing authenticity and vulnerability, and being open to change and growth, individuals can foster deeper connections based on mutual emotional availability. This journey towards emotional maturity not only enhances personal well-being but also enriches our relationships with others.
Questions for Reflection & Discussion
1. What do you think emotional availability means to you after listening to the episode? How does it differ from your previous understanding, if at all?
2. Stephanie mentions the importance of emotional authenticity and maturity in relationships. Do you think you are emotionally available to your partners or friends? Why or why not?
3. How do you think emotional availability impacts the dynamics of a relationship? Do you agree with Stephanie's perspective that it's more fruitful to start within ourselves when it comes to emotional availability?
4. Is there a particular instance in your life where you found yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
5. Stephanie talks about anxious attachment patterns and the tendency to shapeshift in relationships. Have you ever experienced this behaviour in yourself or others?
6. How do you feel about the concept of "performing" in relationships? Do you think this is a common behavior, and if so, how does it affect emotional availability?
7. Stephanie talks about the inherent discomfort in receiving emotional availability when one is accustomed to not receiving it. Have you ever experienced a similar discomfort in your own life? How did you handle it?
8. Stephanie discusses the toll of inauthenticity and its impact on relationships. Can you identify instances in your life where inauthenticity affected your relationships, and if so, how did you navigate this?
9. Stephanie emphasises the importance of trust and being fully oneself in a relationship. What steps do you think you can take to build this trust and authenticity in your own relationships?
Further Links & Resources
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability or emotional unavailability. I think that this is one of those terms and one of those concepts that's thrown around a lot, particularly in the world of instagram and social media more broadly when we're talking about dating and red flags and what to look for and building healthy relationships. And I think that's with good reason. But I also think it's really important, as always, to approach these sorts of big labels with a level of nuance and articulating.
[00:01:06]:
What does it really mean when we're talking about emotional availability? What are we looking for in other people? And I would argue, more importantly, what does that look like within us? Because I think it's really easy to focus on the ways in which someone else might be, quote unquote, emotionally unavailable and almost distract ourselves with all of their shortcomings and everything that we want them to change, while overlooking the ways in which we might be exhibiting certain signs of emotional unavailability, albeit maybe taking a different form. I think that a lot of the time the trope of the unavailable person is someone who is more avoidant and aloof and hot and cold and you can't really seem to crack them and you don't know what's what. And so while if you're more anxious leaning, you might not fit that description, I think there are some less obvious ways that we can ourselves be emotionally unavailable and in so doing can prevent the kind of deeper, more authentic connection that we really crave. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that today. Before we dive into that, a quick announcement that Healing Anxious Attachment is still open for registration. We had the Black Friday sale over the weekend, which has now ended, but you are still able to join at the usual early bird price. All of that is on my website. For those who are interested, we've got just shy of 300 people in the past week or so, which is just amazing.
[00:02:33]:
And it's always so gratifying for me to see people coming into the programme and feeling so much optimism and so much commitment to really making some changes in their blueprint when it comes to relationship to self and others. So if that feels like something that you would like to take steps towards, I'd love to see you inside the programme. And as I said, all of that should be relatively easy to find on my website. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around emotional availability. So I think it's useful to frame the discussion by asking, what do we mean when we talk about emotional availability, I think it probably means different things to different people, as I said, because it's a term that's tossed around so liberally. I think everyone's probably got their own version of what that means when they are talking about emotional availability or unavailability. But what I think of this term as meaning is someone who is mature emotionally, who's able to articulate themselves, who's open to having conversations with other people when it comes to not only emotions but anything else that might arise concerns, boundaries, those sorts of things. Someone who is authentically themselves, who isn't playing games, who isn't misleading, who isn't performing.
[00:03:54]:
Someone who you feel really comfortable with because you feel like you're connecting with that person in their true expression, rather than feeling like there's facades and there's masks and tricks and games which are not always coming from a place of malice or an intention to manipulate. But I think when we lack internal security, we resort to all sorts of tactics to try and win over people's approval or present a certain version of ourselves. And as I'll come to shortly, I think that we can fall prey to those sorts of tactics no matter where we sit on the spectrum. We can engage in those things as a way to create a semblance of comfort, confidence, safety for ourselves, even if ultimately it's kind of trapping us in something that isn't truly authentic. So I think that that's really the essence of it for me is that emotional availability is authenticity and emotional maturity. So I think that when we have this conception of the person, I think it's most often used in the context of dating. Although of course, emotional availability is relevant and important in any relationship, romantic or not. I think that it most often comes up in the context of dating.
[00:05:15]:
And it's like, how do I spot someone who's emotionally unavailable so I can avoid them like the plague and save myself the trouble? And I think that again, I understand the desire to steer clear of people who maybe aren't in the same place as you or don't want the same things as you or don't have the capacity that you seek in. A partner in terms of having that deeper connection and that emotionality and vulnerability between you that allows you to really feel like you can trust them. But what I think is much more interesting than listing out traits of things to avoid in other people, as you guys would know if you've followed my work for a while and listened to the podcast. I think the much more illuminating analysis is what is it within me that feels attracted to that in the first place? Because it's really easy. I've done an episode on this before and the reasons we might be attracted to unavailable people. And I think that it's really easy to kind of throw up our hands and say everyone's so emotionally unavailable. And I'm not. The problem doesn't lie with me.
[00:06:23]:
It's everyone else in the dating pool who's the problem. And I just need to sharpen my tools in terms of avoiding the bad people and then all my problems will be solved. And if only it were that simple. I think that what we really need to get honest about is there's something within me that is attracted to that or that feels some sense of comfort in the dynamic of chasing the unavailable person, of performing, of gameplaying, of tiptoeing around that, of trying to earn the love and approval of someone. And I think that we have to see that within ourselves and get really curious about it because that comes with its own form of emotional unavailability, right? This is really speaking more to the anxious experience because as I said, I think that the stereotype of the emotionally unavailable person is someone who's more kind of classically, typically avoidant. But I think emotional unavailability in the context of more anxious attachment patterns tends to manifest as performing as shapeshifting, like being a mirror for someone else. If they say that they like something, you quickly agree and say you like it too. Or if they want to do something, you agree and you acquiesce and you just follow someone else's lead all the time and kind of lose yourself in the process.
[00:07:47]:
And of course we know that that can come from a lot of different things of really just wanting to be chosen or feeling like being low maintenance is the way to be loved. And that to be difficult is to be unlovable. All of those things that we've talked about before on the show. But the reality is that when we conceal so much of ourselves, when we bury so much of ourselves or subdue certain parts of us that we fear are unworthy of love or unacceptable or make us difficult, we're not being emotionally available either because we're not being authentic, we're not being honest. We're presenting a very carefully crafted, curated view of us that we think is going to be the ticket to kind of controlling for an outcome. And oftentimes that outcome is being chosen and having someone love us and not doing anything that could possibly jeopardise the connection. But when we do that, we are inadvertently jeopardising the connection because we're not authentically being there. We're not showing up as our true selves, we're not maybe advocating for ourselves, we're not just being forthcoming with how we're feeling something that might be bothering us.
[00:08:54]:
All of that is part of emotional availability as well. And so I think it's really important to see how these things interface with each other and that while it is really much easier to just point the finger at someone who's unavailable in more obvious ways, we can say, what do you mean? I'm available all the time. I'm always available if you want to hang out with me, how could you be calling me emotionally unavailable? I have big emotions. I think there's a little more to it than that. And I think that if we return to at least how I think of emotional availability as being honesty, authenticity and emotional maturity and all the things that flow from that, I think we can see that maybe we are attracted to and attracting people who maybe mirror where we are at in terms of our own emotional availability. And so it might be useful and enlightening to kind of reflect on that and go okay, maybe I'm getting back what I'm putting out and start there. Always starting there I think is a good idea, starting with ourselves because it can be. We were having a conversation in my small group coaching programme earlier today and someone was sharing that their partner is really showing up and it's quite daunting because she is really accustomed to burying needs or working really, really hard to just get scraps of attention from someone or scraps of validation.
[00:10:27]:
And it can actually be quite disconcerting or quite foreign to your system. When you are met with someone's availability and consistency and care and attention and support, all of a sudden your system might sort of reject it and push it away and go I don't know how to receive that because I'm so accustomed to not receiving that and to fighting for it only to be disappointed. And there's some sort of weird familiarity in that dynamic and it leaves me feeling really out of my depths when all of a sudden someone is available. And I think that often it's in those situations that we are shown our own work because we might all of a sudden feel a lot of resistance coming up, feel that all of a sudden we have nowhere to hide. And that's really scary. If we've always blamed the other person for the lack of connection or the lack of depth or the lack of commitment and all of a sudden they're showing up with depth and connection and commitment and then we're pushed to go okay, well, who am I going to be in response to that? Am I ready for those things? Am I ready to be seen and known? Because when we haven't had that in the past, it's a really, really scary thing and it really raises the stakes. It's, as I said, in a weird sort of way, much more comfortable to just sit in the dissatisfaction and kind of lament the fact that someone won't change but all the while being comforted by the fact that they're the problem and it's not us. So all of that to say, I think that in this conversation around emotional availability, it helps to broaden the lens on what that means and what that can look like and what the converse emotional unavailability.
[00:12:13]:
How that can show up in ways that we might not typically associate with emotional unavailability in the more common sense of avoidance and associated behaviours. And going, oh, is my lack of authenticity in terms of my people pleasing and my approval seeking and my tiptoeing and my strategizing and all of those little things that I do behind the scenes to try and control for the outcome that I want. Maybe that's emotional unavailability too, and maybe that's blocking some of the connection that I really crave. So maybe my freedom and my relief and a new way of being in relationships requires me to change the inputs on my side of the equation and to kind of lay down some of those old strategies and take the brave steps towards showing up more authentically and trusting that if that does yield to the worst case scenario that our fear would have us believe, if we show up authentically and honestly and we stop curating this perfect version of ourselves that we think will be the lovable version, and we just allow ourselves to be enough. If someone leaves in response to that, well, I think that that's kind of a blessing in disguise, because otherwise you're locked into a lifetime of performance and a lifetime of inauthenticity, and that's a really, really tiring game to play. So I think that there's a lot to be said for just trusting that for the right person or people, you, all of you, it's going to be enough. In fact, it's going to be delightful and lovable and wonderful and that someone who is themselves emotionally available and who has done that work is going to be ready for all of it and is going to have realistic expectations about what it means to be in a relationship. And you don't have to bury parts of yourself or feelings or fears or insecurities, you don't have to try and hide that from someone in order to trick them into loving you.
[00:14:23]:
As I said, that's a really exhausting way to be in relationship and I think it's one that sooner or later really catches up with us and tends not to give us what we really desire, which is safety in relationships. So I hope that that has been helpful given you something to think about when it comes to emotional availability. And as I said, of course we can look out for that in other people, but I think it's always more fruitful to start within and start with ourselves and the way we're showing up and watch that ripple out. So thank you so much for joining me, I'm so grateful for all of your support. The spotify wrapped, year in review stuff has come out today and I'm being tagged by so many beautiful people who have been staunch supporters of the show and I've seen some amazing statistics on my side, people listening all over the world and I'm just eternally grateful always for your support. So thanks for being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:15:29]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. It's.
Embracing Change and Growth
attachment, emotional availability, emotional unavailability, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, dating, red flags, authenticity, emotional maturity, boundaries, self-esteem, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, emotional connection, vulnerability, self-discovery, personal growth, relationship coaching, self-acceptance, self-reflection, personal development, people-pleasing, approval seeking, fear of rejection, intimacy, emotional intelligence, authenticity in relationships, self-awareness, resilience.
10 Tips for Healing an Anxious Attachment Style
In today's episode, I'm sharing 10 tips to start healing your anxious attachment style. While "healing" is not something that really lends itself to a formula or a 10-step plan, having guided thousands of students through the process of healing their anxious attachment I can certainly attest to the key growth areas for most folks with anxious attachment patterns.
In today's episode, I'm sharing 10 tips to start healing your anxious attachment style. While "healing" is not something that really lends itself to a formula or a 10-step plan, having guided thousands of students through the process of healing their anxious attachment I can certainly attest to the key growth areas for most folks with anxious attachment patterns.
We'll cover things like getting your mindset right, learning about your nervous system, building self-worth, voicing needs and boundaries, how to have healthier conflict, and diversifying your life so you're not solely focused on your relationship.
Healing Anxious Attachment: 10 Tips to Transform Your Relationship
Attachment styles play a significant role in how we form and maintain relationships. Anxious attachment, characterized by a constant need for reassurance and fear of abandonment, can heavily impact the dynamics of our relationships. In the latest episode of "On Attachment," we delve into practical tips to heal anxious attachment and transform your relationship patterns.
Understanding the Mindset of Healing
The journey of healing anxious attachment begins with the right mindset. It's essential to acknowledge that healing is not a quick fix. Self-compassion and patience are crucial as you navigate through this process. Understanding that it's okay to feel anxious at times and that these feelings do not define you is a pivotal step in transforming your attachment style.
Navigating your Nervous System
Learning to understand and regulate your nervous system is another key aspect of healing anxious attachment. Practising self-soothing techniques and grounding exercises can help in times of distress, enabling you to navigate challenging emotions and experiences.
Healing Core Wounds
Anxious attachment tendencies often stem from core wounds of abandonment and unworthiness. Acknowledging and addressing these deep-seated wounds is vital for healing. Through introspection and therapeutic work, it's possible to heal these wounds and reshape your beliefs about yourself and relationships.
Establishing and Honouring Boundaries
Many people with anxious attachment tendencies struggle with setting and respecting boundaries in their relationships. Fear of conflict can lead to avoiding difficult conversations, but establishing clear boundaries is a crucial component of building healthy relationships.
Clarity in Desires and Needs
Being clear about your desires and needs in a relationship is paramount. This clarity provides a foundation for open communication and understanding between you and your partner, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling connection.
The Journey of Healing
Healing from anxious attachment doesn't mean never feeling anxious again. Instead, it entails building resilience, understanding, and tools to manage these feelings when they arise. Recognizing and accepting that healing is a journey, not a destination, can alleviate the pressure for immediate change.
Building Self-Worth and Respect
For individuals with anxious attachment patterns, building self-worth, self-respect, and self-trust is fundamental. This involves investing in activities and relationships that nurture and uplift you, contributing to a stronger sense of self.
Diversifying Energy
Focusing solely on the romantic relationship can intensify anxious attachment tendencies. Diversifying your energy across various areas of your life, such as career, hobbies, and friendships, can create a healthier balance and reduce dependency on one relationship for validation and happiness.
Identifying and Communicating Needs
One of the challenges for individuals with anxious attachment patterns is identifying and voicing their needs. Learning to advocate for yourself and communicate openly in your relationships is an empowering step towards healing and growth.
Setting and Respecting Boundaries
Learning to set and respect boundaries is crucial for individuals with anxious attachment patterns. By doing so, you create a sense of safety and agency within your relationships, fostering mutual respect and understanding.
The Journey of Transformation
In this episode, Stephanie shares her personal experience with anxious attachment patterns and how she has worked to overcome them. While the old patterns may occasionally resurface, she has developed the confidence and self-awareness to navigate and transcend them.
Embracing the Journey
Healing from anxious attachment is described as a transformative journey without a definitive end date. Though challenging, the growth and self-awareness gained throughout the process make it a worthwhile and liberating experience.
Further Support and Community
For those seeking additional support in healing anxious attachment, Stephanie introduces a program specifically designed for this purpose. The program offers a roadmap, live Q&A sessions, and an online community space, providing valuable resources and connections for individuals on their healing journey.
Healing from anxious attachment is a transformative process that requires patience, self-awareness, and support. By implementing these ten tips and embracing the journey of healing, individuals can gradually cultivate healthier relationship patterns and a more secure attachment style.
Make sure to connect with Stephanie on Instagram and leave a review for "On Attachment" to stay updated with valuable insights into attachment styles and relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever noticed a fear of setting boundaries in your relationships? How does this fear impact your interactions with others and affect your own well-being and self-respect?
Do you find it difficult to voice your needs and desires in relationships? What steps can you take to better advocate for yourself and create healthier connections?
In your experience, how does anxious attachment manifest in your relationships? What impact does it have on your sense of self-worth and confidence?
Have you ever felt a strong need for validation and approval in your relationships? How does this impact your behaviour and decision-making within those relationships?
How do you navigate the balance between showing care and support for your partner and maintaining your independence and self-fulfillment?
What strategies have you found effective in regulating your nervous system and practicing self-soothing during moments of anxiety or distress in your relationships?
Do you notice a tendency to avoid conflict in your relationships? How does this impact your ability to communicate openly and effectively with your partner?
In what ways have you diversified your energy across different areas of your life to reduce dependency on your relationships? How has this impacted your overall sense of fulfillment and well-being?
How do you define and prioritize your own needs in your relationships? What challenges do you face in this process and what steps can you take to overcome them?
How do you practice self-compassion and patience in your journey to heal anxious attachment patterns? What role does mindset play in your approach to healing?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment Black Friday Sale
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am sharing ten tips to heal your anxious attachment style. Now, you would probably know if you've been following the podcast for a while, whenever I am opening registration for my program, Healing Anxious Attachment, I typically do an episode that is on the topic of healing anxious attachment. Go figure. And it's funny because the previous episodes I've done, which were most recently the path to healing anxious attachment, prior to that, the three stages of healing anxious attachment, there's been a how to heal your anxious attachment and they're all kind of variations on the theme, but they are by far and away the most downloaded episodes, the ones that people are clearly really interested in hearing about, which I think speaks to the fact that so much of my audience is in that place of struggling with anxious attachment and really wanting to know what to do about that. So today's variation on that theme is ten Tips to Start Healing your anxious attachment. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:01:35]:
The first being in keeping with the theme of today's episode, I've created a PDF guide, which is, again, Ten Tips to Heal Your Anxious Attachment. That just summarises what I'm going to talk about today into a neat little PDF that you can download for free so that's linked in the show notes, or you can otherwise find it on my website for anyone who I know. Sometimes people reach out to me saying that they listen to the podcast and take notes. So for a longer list like today's, you can be saved from having to do your own notetaking and download that PDF for free. Second quick announcement is, of course, just to remind you about healing anxious attachment, which is opening in a couple of days time for the big Black Friday special, which is going to be a really big discount. It's just two nine $7 or four monthly payments of $77. So that is the lowest price I've offered the course at since the very first launch, when the programme was just an idea way back in March last year. So it's a really great time to jump in if you are thinking about it, if you have been thinking about it, if the timing maybe hasn't been right, I really encourage you to do so.
[00:02:48]:
Not only is the course $100 cheaper than it usually is, even for the early bird folks, but I'm also including a live Q and A for everybody and a community. So the community component was part of the programme for the first couple of rounds, but then it all got a little bit unwieldy and so I pulled back on offering that. But I'm reviving it for this round so there'll be an online community space where you can connect with each other. I know that a lot of people really value the opportunity to feel seen and understood by others who are on the same path and the same journey. And those spaces are always really supportive and positive and everyone is really, really compassionate towards each other. And I think that helps everyone to feel a little less alone. So all of that is included for the discounted price of $297. And that gives you lifetime access to the course materials and everything else.
[00:03:42]:
So it's a really big sale, it's a really great time to jump in, but that price is only available to people on the waitlist. So make sure that you do sign up in the show notes or on my website if you're interested in that. Doors open in two days time. Okay, so let's talk about these ten tips to heal your Anxious Attachment Style. Now, the first one is to get your mindset right and I think it's important to start here, even as I say, Ten Tips to Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style. I kind of cringe at that title and I wish that I often wish in this podcast that I could have long titles with lots of caveats and nuance, but unfortunately the format doesn't really lend itself to that. So I have to resort to short, snappy titles like Ten Tips to Heal Your Anxious Attachment Style. Now of course, it's not like I can just tick off ten things on a list and then voila, I'm going to be healed.
[00:04:34]:
And that's really what I want to emphasise in getting your mindset right here. It's so important that we're approaching any sort of healing journey, any process of growth from a place of self compassion and seeking to understand and support ourselves to feel safe. I think that so often we come to this work with a sense of brokenness and wrongness and we kind of shame ourselves. We think, there's something wrong with me and I've got to change, I'm ruining all my relationships, I'm so pathetic, I'm so desperate, I've got to stop, right? And I know that feeling, I know that sense of feeling out of control and it can be really overwhelming and exasperating. But I promise you that that is not the frame of mindset is going to allow the parts of you that are really scared to feel safer. It's like a bully is coming into that system and telling the scared little child inside you to just toughen up and to stop being so scared. And of course, that's not the way we would relate to a child and it's not the way that we should relate to our scared parts. So approaching ourselves instead with compassion, of course, coupled with self responsibility and ownership of our part in the pattern, but ultimately having that frame of mind of I want to do this work to gift myself more safety and security and space and freedom in my relationship with myself and my relationship with others.
[00:06:02]:
That's really what we want to be entering into this journey with the mindset of rather than, there's something terribly wrong with me, I'm broken and I've got to fix myself so that someone will love me. That kind of mindset is really entrenching us in the patterns that have gotten us to where we are. And so that is the first shift we need to make. Okay, the second tip is to learn about your nervous system and how to self regulate and self soothe. Of course, I've talked about this so many times on the show. But without understanding what is going on in our body and what it is that feels so terribly unsafe about a particular situation, something that might feel really activating or triggering in our relationships, we've got to know how to speak the language of our body. We've got to know what our body is doing in response to these things. Because when we do feel really anxious, when we do feel really scared, that's our body sounding the alarm and saying there's something wrong here.
[00:06:58]:
And again, rather than just trying to override that or press the mute button on the messages that our body is sending us, the work is really in learning to listen and learning to attune to ourselves and going, oh, okay. I am feeling this tightness in my chest. I'm feeling this sense of butterflies in my stomach. I feel heat in my face. My body's trying to tell me that this doesn't feel safe. And can I seek to understand that and try to bring safety to my body first and foremost so that I can then resource myself to deal with whatever this situation is? Most of us don't know the language of our body and we've been really conditioned out of that level of attunement. And so we just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and then wondering why we feel so burnt out and exhausted and disconnected from ourselves. So learning to attune to our own system, but then also to develop those skills to self regulate, to create safety from within.
[00:07:58]:
Because again, you will have heard me say so many times that for most anxious folks, safety comes from outside exclusively. And that puts us in a very vulnerable position of feeling like someone else is in control of whether or not we are okay. And of course, that's going to create a lot of anxiety. So learning how to rebalance the scales a little there so that we do have this well to draw from within that allows us to feel much more anchored in who we are and what we are capable of. Okay, the next one is understand and heal your core wounds of abandonment and unworthiness. Now, these are not the only core wounds that anxious folks are going to encounter and they're not exclusive to anxious folks. So it's not saying that anyone who has a worthiness wound also has anxious attachment style, but these tend to be pretty high ranking for those with anxious attachment tendencies. So the abandonment wound, as we've talked about, is related to what I was just saying around safety existing outside of us.
[00:09:01]:
There's this sense of someone's going to leave me and I'm not going to be okay on my own. And so feeling like we're always on the brink on the precipice and feeling like we have to try and get ahead of the risk of someone leaving us and that might interface with our worthiness wound, that tells us we are not enough to make someone stay. And that we have to work really, really hard on being a certain way or not being a certain way in order to earn the love, the approval, the validation of the people in our lives. Because we're just so terrified that love is going to be withdrawn at any moment and we're going to be left in the lurch. We're going to be alone in our hour of need. And again, that's a very deep and visceral fear for many folks. And so getting to know that part of us or those parts of us that carry those fears and those burdens is really, really important in sort of addressing the underlying cause of a lot of this stuff. Because you can learn any number of self soothing techniques, but you're going to continue to become activated or triggered or afraid, often in what looks like a disproportionate way if you're harbouring these very deep fears that make everything feel so high stakes.
[00:10:23]:
So it's always a balance of both. It's a balance of creating the safety in the body or learning how to better carry ourselves through challenging moments in our relationships while also trying to understand why those moments feel so challenging having regard to those deeper wounds that we might have. Okay, the next one is to build your sense of self worth, self respect and self trust. So if only it were as easy as just ticking those things off, right? This is a big journey, as all of this stuff is, but self worth to me is a really big one. And I think so much of the work for anxious folks is the self peace, which is why I emphasise things like self worth and self respect and self trust. I think all three of those things can be a little lacking in a lot of people with anxious attachment patterns. As I said, the worthiness wound leads us to feel like we are not good enough in so many ways. And so we really undervalue ourselves and we can really struggle with self esteem, with believing that people like us, that we have something to offer.
[00:11:25]:
We tend to be really biassed towards the ways in which we consider ourselves as falling short or the ways in which we are imperfect. And all of those things, I think, then drive us to behave in ways that further erode our sense of self worth, that lead us to self abandon, to self betray, to act in a way that doesn't really align with who we want to be or what our values are. But because we're so disconnected from self, we maybe don't have that clear compass. So when we start to build our self worth and our self respect, there is this harmonisation that takes place, there's this sense of inner alignment that allows us to go you know what? I might not be able to control everything around me. I might not have all the answers, but I know who I am and I'm kind of broadly comfortable with who I am. And that's a really, really liberating relieving feeling. It's a nice thing to be able to honestly say I'm not perfect, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm okay with who I am because I know what integrity looks like to me. And I can say that in large part that's the way that I'm living.
[00:12:36]:
And so I think that taking those steps towards greater self respect and self worth pays huge dividends not only in your relationship with yourself but then the ripple effect in your relationships more broadly. You just start to show up differently. You're less inclined to outsource all of that to other people and need so much reassurance and validation from the world around you that you're okay because you start to really believe that in an embodied sense from within. Okay, the next one is diversify your energy across all areas of your life. Now, as you would know, I'm sure anecdotally I certainly do. It's easy if you're someone with anxious attachment patterns to just go all in on the relationship. And as soon as you're in a relationship, the field of vision narrows and you kind of pour all of yourself into this container of the relationship. And I think that that only intensifies if the relationship is feeling wobbly.
[00:13:31]:
So if things are a little off or it's not feeling really solid, then it's likely that you'll only escalate in your laser focus on the relationship. And I think that that can be a double whammy. Because not only do we then start to smother our relationship and a lot of those behaviours of controlling and obsessing and ruminating really take hold. But it raises the stake so much such that if anything does happen to our relationship, if our relationship ends, God forbid, then we're often left really empty handed because we've lost so much of ourselves in the process. We only had so many resources and so much energy and because we poured it all into the project of our relationship and we neglected other areas of life, maybe we didn't pay that much attention to our friendships. Maybe we didn't really nurture those other relationships and we haven't been keeping up with certain hobbies or other habits that we know really keep us feeling balanced and good and whole. When we let all of those things drop off because we just don't have the bandwidth for it because we're so focused on our relationship, then we can feel extremely disoriented and empty handed if anything does happen to the relationship. So as much as it goes against the impulses to actually lean back from your relationship and let go of the grip a little, it not only benefits you as an individual, but it actually benefits the relationship.
[00:15:02]:
Because I think that relationships really do well with a bit of oxygenation and a bit more balance rather than just putting all of your eggs in that basket and then becoming completely obsessive about what happens there and feeling like everything rides on the fate of the relationship. Okay, the next one is figure out what your needs are and start voicing them again. Sounds simple. For a lot of anxious folks, it's harder than it sounds. But of course we are often accustomed to downplaying to minimising, to dismissing our own needs in an effort to accommodate the needs of others because we somewhere along the way convinced ourselves that that was what it took in order to be lovable, was to be easy. And so apparently having no needs makes us easier to love. And so we've often just kind of put all of that away and gone with the flow and been very low maintenance, been very easygoing on the outside. All the while we're having all of this internal turmoil because all of our needs are going unmet.
[00:16:10]:
And that leads to a lot of resentment and stress and frustration and ultimately big blow ups, right? So figure out what your needs are. And as I said, that can be hard for a lot of folks I work with. That. Step one is not just start voicing the needs, it's identify the needs. Because when you've only ever been led by the needs of other people and you've just slotted yourself into whatever situation you've ended up in and you've just gone along with that and mirrored other people, you might be pretty disconnected from what is actually important to you in a relationship. So figuring that out is a big step. And then of course, translating that into the self advocacy of voicing needs. And I would say the hardest part is learning to receive.
[00:16:53]:
Because for a lot of people who are chronic overgivers, receiving is really, really uncomfortable. And once someone actually starts to pay us attention and to show up for us in the way we've asked, we can kind of freeze and go, I don't know how to receive this, I don't know how I push it away because I all of a sudden feel very vulnerable in that receiving. So all of that is part of the work for you as you unlearn some of those old excessively self sacrificial, over giving patterns and again rebalance recalibrate your relationships. The next one is learn to set and respect boundaries in a healthy way. So again, we've talked about it before on the show. Anxiously attached people tend to be fairly average at boundary setting, but also boundary respecting. So I think on the incoming side, in terms of your own personal boundaries, there tend not to be any. And so it's like I kind of, again, just defer to whatever is comfortable for other people.
[00:17:56]:
Or if something is uncomfortable for me, I just suck it up. I don't want to make a fuss, I don't want to rock the boat, I go along with things even if I'm patently uncomfortable or it really doesn't work for me or a situation is very challenging for me, but I just don't really say anything. I think on the other side of that is we're not very good at recognising the boundaries of others and we think that being boundaryless is being that's what you do when you love someone, right? And that's why we don't have boundaries, is again, I think we have this idea that when you love someone, you don't say no, you just let them in without any boundaries whatsoever. And so on the flip side, when someone else sets a boundary with us, we can either take offence to it and feel very rejected and hurt, kind of affronted by the boundary, or we can just bulldoze straight through it and someone will say look, I need space. And you'll call them 20 times and then turn up at their house because you think you know better and you can kind of just quickly dismiss or override their boundaries and go look, yeah, I know you said that, but I just really needed to talk to you. That is as much your work around boundaries as setting them for yourself is learning to respect them in others. So that's a big part of the growth for anxiously attached folk is recognising like I am my own person and you are your own person and there has to be space between us. There are limits, right? Where do my limits meet your limits? And how can we negotiate in that space in a way that actually allows us to be in closer, more connected relationship in a safe way? Because boundaries, when done well, will hopefully invite you into a stronger relationship.
[00:19:47]:
And I think for a lot of us who've not had experience with boundaries, we just think that boundaries mean distance and that can feel really scary. It's like boundary is a wall up, which means that I can't reach you. And that is frightening to me. And so we have this aversion to the idea of boundaries. But really to express a boundary is to express how we can love each other better and more sustainably. And I think that that's a really important mindset shift to grasp. Okay, next one is learn tools for healthy conflict and repair. So again, I think for a lot of anxious folk, there is a level of conflict aversion.
[00:20:22]:
We don't want to rock the boat. We don't want to raise difficult topics because we're scared that someone will leave, right? If I want to talk to you about commitment, I'm scared that you'll just throw your hands up and say, well, this is too much, and then you'll go, so I don't raise the thing, but on the inside my distress is mounting. And then eventually there's usually some sort of volcanic eruption where we then kind of unravel and have this really ineffective conflict where I spew out 50 things that have been bothering me that I haven't been actively proactively, advocating for myself around or sharing with you because I'm scared of the consequences. Again, going back to those core wounds, I'm constantly in this space of feeling like love could be withdrawn at any moment. And so I'm very careful about what I do and how I do it because that's always looming as a potential outcome for me when there's any sort of discord or disharmony. There's not a lot of trust in the fact that we can endure challenging things together as a team and come out the other side. And that does tend to breed this sense of conflict aversion. So one of the great gifts that you can give yourself is to repatten that and to actually have these corrective experiences around conflict, where we go, oh, I can actually have a hard conversation with my partner and feel good during and after that conversation.
[00:21:51]:
I don't have to be in this state of terrible fear and anxiety that at any moment it's going to mean the end of our relationship. Being able to have conflict where you express something that you're disappointed about or that upset you without it being like you're in combat with each other and you're both yelling and you're having to defend and explain and justify your emotions. We can actually learn ways to express yourself where someone is likely to be able to receive and validate that experience rather than just defend your attack. So that's a really big piece as well and I think is, as I said, such a great gift that you can give yourself if you've always been in that mode of tiptoeing and walking on eggshells because you're so afraid of adverse consequences of conflict. Okay, number nine, we're almost there. Get clear on what you want in a partner and a relationship. So the number of people that I've worked with who are either in a relationship or who are single, and when I ask them what's important to you and a partner, they actually just kind of stare at me blankly. When we kind of dig a little deeper, the theme tends to be I want someone who wants me.
[00:23:04]:
And that's kind of heartbreaking when we think about it because it's that worthiness wound in us that's saying all I want is to be chosen. And as much as we can have so much compassion for that part, that just wants to be loved and chosen and of course we all have that part. That part needs to be supported by awareness of what is actually important to me in a partner. What do I value in a partner? What are things that are not going to work for me? What are my deal breakers? What are my non negotiables? You have the right to know that and to say no to people who don't feel like a good fit for you. Again, I think when our self esteem, our self worth has been a little bruised, we don't feel like we have the right or entitlement to say no to anyone who's showing us attention. And so that can lead our so called picker to be a little bit skew if or a little bit prone to pursuing connections with people just because we're riding the high of feeling like someone's giving us attention. So I think that when we can be more discerning and bring that greater awareness, then we're much better placed to measure up reality versus our desires and go, okay, how does this connection stack up against what I claim is important to me? And I think that can often reveal the Stark discrepancy when otherwise we're just feeling kind of confused and like, oh, I kind of like them, but they're pretty inconsistent and I'm not really sure. And they're sending mixed messages.
[00:24:34]:
And then we just keep hanging out in that limbo, I think when we go into it, knowing what we're looking for with absolute clarity and of course, not to the point of rigidity, but just knowing at a pretty fundamental level. Here's what I'm looking for and here's what I'm absolutely not looking for. It's an incredibly empowering way to approach dating and relationships and last but not least, understand what healing actually looks like in this context. So I'm often asked, is it really possible to heal my anxious attachment? And my answer is kind of yes and kind of no. Is it possible to learn new ways of being so that you are not completely in the grips of anxiety all the time and you're not at the mercy of your fear? Yes, absolutely. I can attest to that firsthand and having guided so many thousands of people through this work that there is absolutely growth and freedom available to you. And I will never tell you that healing anxious attachment means you will never feel anxiety again or that you will not experience those little flutters of anxious attachment again. That would be dishonest because that's just part of it.
[00:25:41]:
And when it's been part of your blueprint for such a long time, of course that's still there, right? But for me, and I can speak firsthand here, those parts of me that I associate with my anxious attachment patterns, those are still there, they're still in the background and in certain situations those impulses still arise in me. But I've worked so hard to build up the strength of my other parts that are confident and clear and self aware and have a really strong sense of who I am and what I desire and what's important to me and self trust and all of those things that they now far outweigh the old parts. And I think you'll get to a point in your journey and that'll take a different amount of time for everyone, but you reach a point where the new way becomes more comfortable than the old way and it's really like that becomes second nature. And so that's what's possible for me now, to have a big conflict where I'm attacking and highly emotional, that's extremely unlikely. I can't remember the last time I did that because I've just trained myself so much in the new way, which I actually know works much better for me. And so while you might still have the internal scripts going and the stories you tell yourself and the victim stuff that we can kind of get stuck in sometimes and blaming our partner and feeling like they are the worst person in the world and how could they do that? And who do they think they are? That voice sometimes chats away in the back of my mind, but it's not so powerful anymore, it's not so persuasive that I feel the need to act on those impulses or those little flutters of fear and anxiety that can rear their head from time to time. So understanding and managing your expectations around what healing looks like and means in this context at least, the way that I am teaching it, I've had people before ask me, if I do your eight week course, does that mean I'm going to be healed in eight weeks? And again, it's kind of a constraint of the format that you've got to put a time on it. But of course, healing is not a journey with a start and an end date and then you kind of get spit out of a machine and you're all better.
[00:27:58]:
If only it were that easy. But alas, it is messy and it's a practise. So just again, manage those expectations, but recognise that in embarking on that practise and that journey, you're giving yourself a really, really beautiful gift and one that can profoundly change the way that you experience the world and yourself and your relationship. So it's not always easy, but it's always worth it in my mind. Okay, so that was it. That was long. Ten tips to heal your anxious attachment style. As I said, there's a PDF download that sets all of those out and shares some thoughts on each that you can download in the show notes or via my website.
[00:28:38]:
I hope that's helpful for. You to keep in your back pocket as a little roadmap, and anyone who is ready to do this work, I would love to have you inside healing anxious attachment when doors open in a couple of days time. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:28:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Healing anxious attachment, mindset, self-compassion, nervous system regulation, self-soothe, core wounds, abandonment, unworthiness, boundaries, conflict avoidance, partner expectations, validation, approval, self-worth, self-respect, self-trust, relationship balance, self-advocacy, Stephanie Rigg, attachment patterns, confidence building, self-awareness, transformative process, journey, program discount, live Q&A, online community, Instagram connection, podcast review.
Am I People-Pleasing or Just Being Nice?
In today's episode, we're talking all about people-pleasing: what it is, why we do it, and how it's different to "just being a nice person". For many of us, people pleasing is second nature. We are so accustomed to accommodating others and burying our own feelings and needs that we don't even realise we're doing it.
In today's episode, we're talking all about people-pleasing: what it is, why we do it, and how it's different to "just being a nice person". For many of us, people pleasing is second nature. We are so accustomed to accommodating others and burying our own feelings and needs that we don't even realise we're doing it.
Unfortunately, this typically leads us to feel disconnected, lonely and exhausted - not to mention it usually backfires insofar as building healthy relationships is concerned.
The Difference Between People-Pleasing and Being Kind
Relationships play a crucial role in shaping our lives, and the way we attach to others can greatly impact our experiences. In today's fast-paced world, the topic of people-pleasing frequently comes up in conversations about relationships and self-awareness. People often wrestle with the question: "Am I a people pleaser or just a nice person?" This internal conflict can lead to confusion and anxiety, creating a need for clarity.
Understanding People-Pleasing:
People-pleasing is more than just being kind or considerate. It is a learned strategy aimed at gaining control and ensuring safety in relationships. It involves micromanaging interactions, opinions, and emotions to maintain approval and acceptance. When people-pleasing becomes ingrained in our behaviour, it can lead to a loss of self-identity and a disconnect from our authentic desires and values.
Effects of People-Pleasing:
The constant need to please others can leave us feeling exhausted, as we portray a version of ourselves that is not entirely genuine. We might find ourselves trapped in a facade, unable to break free from the expectations we have set. Alternatively, if our attempts at people-pleasing don't yield the desired results, we can be overwhelmed by feelings of failure and disappointment. Moreover, the prolonged focus on catering to others can leave us with a deep sense of loneliness, as we lose touch with our own needs and values.
Differentiating Kindness from People-Pleasing:
Kindness, on the other hand, stems from a place of authenticity and empathy, rather than being a calculated strategy. A genuinely kind person does not seek to control outcomes or seek validation through their actions. True kindness is not burdened by the fear of disapproval or rejection. It exists without an agenda or the need for external validation. When we address the underlying fears and wounds that drive people-pleasing tendencies, we can connect with our kindness in a more authentic and liberated manner.
Recognising the Human Experience:
It's important to remember that occasional instances of adapting to social dynamics or seeking approval are part of the human experience. We all engage in these behaviours from time to time, and it's natural to adjust our behaviour in different social contexts. However, the concern arises when these adjustments become the primary way we navigate the world, and we lose touch with our genuine selves.
Embracing Authenticity:
Embracing authenticity and asserting our true selves may initially feel uncomfortable, especially if we have been entrenched in people-pleasing patterns for a long time. It requires making peace with the fact that not everyone will like us, and that's okay. Accepting this reality grants us the freedom to express ourselves genuinely, without the need for external validation or control. It offers a path to self-discovery and a deeper connection with others.
Healing and Growth:
At the core of addressing people-pleasing tendencies is the need to tend to the underlying wounds and fears. This process involves showing compassion and understanding to the parts of ourselves that yearn for approval and fear rejection. By acknowledging and nurturing these vulnerable aspects, we can embark on a journey of healing and personal growth.
Moving Forward:
Recognising the distinction between people-pleasing and kindness empowers us to navigate relationships and interactions with greater authenticity. It allows us to form genuine connections with others and fosters a deeper sense of self-awareness. Embracing our authentic selves provides a profound sense of liberation and opens the door to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Conclusion:
The journey from people-pleasing to genuine kindness is a transformative one. By cultivating awareness of our behaviours and motivations, we can release the grip of people-pleasing tendencies and embrace a more authentic way of relating to others. It's a journey that requires courage, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore and nurture our true selves. As we embark on this journey, we can create deeper connections, reclaim our sense of identity, and experience the profound freedom that comes with embracing authenticity.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself often trying to please others in your relationships? How does this impact your sense of self?
Are you aware of any underlying fears or wounds that may drive your people-pleasing behaviours? How can you tend to these underlying emotions?
Reflect on a time when you felt the need to constantly shape-shift or contort yourself to fit in or avoid conflict. How did this impact your sense of authenticity and self-worth?
Have you ever felt the pressure to earn approval and validation from others at the expense of your true self? How did this make you feel, and what underlying emotions might be at play?
Consider a situation where you felt the need to hide or suppress parts of yourself in order to be accepted by others. How did this impact your ability to form genuine connections and relationships?
Have you ever felt burnt out or resentful due to constantly seeking approval and validation from others? How did this affect your mental and emotional well-being?
Reflect on a time when you felt afraid of not being liked or approved of by others. What underlying wounds or fears do you think might be contributing to this fear?
Have you ever felt like you were performing for others rather than being your true self? How did this impact your confidence and self-awareness?
Do you struggle with the concept of self-trust and asserting yourself in relationships? How can you work on building trust in your own intuition and authenticity?
In what ways can you cultivate a greater sense of authenticity and self-worth, free from the need for constant approval and validation from others?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment Black Friday Sale
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about people pleasing. So this is a topic that I've touched on before on the show and is one that I'm sure a lot of people can relate to. It's one of those terms that I think bounces around so much in the world of Insta therapy and lots of online content.
[00:00:53]:
But I'm prompted to talk about this today by a question that I received on Instagram yesterday, which was, how do I know if I'm a people pleaser or if I'm just a nice person? And I thought it was a good question because for a lot of people I think it can be a little confusing. And something I see all the time is this tendency to almost police our own behaviours and worry that, oh, am I being empathetic because I'm empathetic, or am I being empathetic because I'm manipulative or self sacrificing? And I think we can almost create more anxiety for ourselves because we don't have clarity around what the difference is and what distinguishes one thing from another. And I think, spoiler alert, it's rarely that we're one or the other. It's not that people pleasing means you can't be a nice person. People pleasing is just one of many strategies that you might have picked up along the way, as a way to keep yourself safe, as a way to navigate relationships when you didn't know any better. But as with so many of these subconscious patterns and strategies, they can follow us through life and they can become part of our identity, or at least so second nature, that we actually don't know what the alternative looks like. It feels so foreign to us to do things differently. And so, as always, I'm hoping that by shining a bit of a light on that and cultivating more awareness of what distinguishes people pleasing from just being a nice person and how you can maybe release the grip on some of those people pleasing behaviours and start to tend to the underlying wounds that drive those behaviours, then you are free to be your kind, generous, loving self without an agenda or without strings attached.
[00:02:50]:
And I also think that when we stop with the people pleasing all the time, it allows us to form far more genuine connections. Because when we're people pleasing much of the time, we're pretending. And it's hard to form an authentic relationship when you're not really letting someone see you, when you are just mirroring back to them what you think they want to hear or who you think they want you to be. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that quick announcement, that healing anxious attachment you've probably heard me share over the past week or two, healing anxious attachment is coming back next week, just in time for Black Friday. There's already about 1300 people on the waitlist, which is wonderful. Those on the waitlist are going to get access to the Black Friday sale, which is the lowest price I've offered the course at since the very first round I ever ran of the programme over 18 months ago. So if you're at all interested, now is a really good time.
[00:03:53]:
If maybe you've been on the fence previously, if the timing hasn't been right, maybe it's been a bit of a stretch. Financially, this round is a really great one to join because it is just that little bit more affordable. And I'm also including some exciting bonuses like a live Q and A with me. Ordinarily that has been a paid upgrade, but this time I'm including it for everybody. So if you're interested, the link to join the waitlist is in the show notes, or you can head directly to my website and you should be able to find that. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around people pleasing. So, as I said in the introduction, I think that people pleasing is a strategy. And I think it's mostly a strategy to feel more in control.
[00:04:41]:
That somewhere along the way we learned that keeping ourselves safe meant micromanaging our relationships, micromanaging other people's opinions of us, micromanaging other people's emotions, and that it was our responsibility to work really hard to do that by saying, by deferring to what other people want, what other people think, what other people expect, adopting their opinions as our own, going with the flow all the time, even when it doesn't really work for us, saying yes, when we may know all of these things that I think really can lead to an abandonment of self and really a loss of self. And you would know, if you've listened to the podcast for a while, that I think that disconnection with self is really at the heart of anxious attachment. Oftentimes we think that if I can just prioritise the relationship and keep the relationship intact and give of myself incessantly to this person, this relationship, then that's all I need. That's what's going to keep me safe. That's what's going to make me happy, then I'll be okay. But the way that we go about this can really lead us astray. Because not only as I alluded to in the introduction, does it actually make it much harder to connect with someone in any authentic way. When we're adopting all of these masks, when we are contorting ourselves, when we're shapeshifting, when we're one person one day and another person the next day, when we're subduing certain parts of ourselves and then amplifying parts of ourselves that maybe aren't very true to us all in this effort, this tireless effort to be liked, to be approved of, to be accepted, to belong, I think that it's really, really exhausting.
[00:06:43]:
And what I often see happen is you'll either end up in this scenario where it works, so to speak, in that you get the validation and the approval that you're seeking by playing that game. But then that means that you're kind of locked into that, right? You're locked into the facade. It's sort of like if you tell a lie and then you get stuck in it and you've just got to keep perpetuating it on and on because that's the representation that you've made and you're kind of stuck with it. I think the same can be true when we are pretending in our relationships, when we're not being fully honest or authentic in the way that we represent ourselves. And so I think either it works and you're trapped in the falsehood of being someone that you aren't, or it doesn't work in that the person that you're trying to impress, the person whose love you're trying to earn, doesn't want you or rejects you or doesn't approve of you in the way that you would hope. And then you feel like a failure because you've convinced yourself that it's your job to make them feel a certain way about you and that that's within your control to engineer that outcome. And I think that that's really an illusion that we have that much control. My therapist always says that you're less powerful than you think in the context of when you are someone who thinks that you can orchestrate all of those things and manage everyone's emotions and control the way everyone thinks.
[00:08:15]:
About you. I think sometimes it's a good reminder you're not that powerful. Right? So good to be humbled in some ways, when we notice ourselves going into those patterns of thinking that it is our job to manage all of that. Because, as I said, it's really exhausting and often leaves us feeling empty and like a failure. And to make matters worse, we don't really know who we are because we've spent such a long time in that mode of flip flopping and just trying to make everyone else happy. And we don't even really know who we are, what we want, what we think, what we feel. And there's a real grief that comes with that, a real loneliness that comes with not knowing yourself. I've said before, much of the time when I work with anxiously attached folks, and part of the work will be to get clearer around your values, your needs, your wants.
[00:09:13]:
And most of the time people are really stumped because they've never really thought about it. All they've ever done, all they've ever known is to mirror the wants, needs, values of the people around them, to adopt those things as their own, as a way to fit in or to not rock the boat and not be difficult, because we've absorbed some sort of message that to be different is to be difficult, and to be difficult is to be unlovable. And I think that, again, that makes a lot of sense, if that's been your story. But as with so many of these patterns, it's really important to recognise that whatever environment we were in that gave rise to those patterns. We're not there anymore. And we are adults with choice and responsibility, and we don't have to keep operating on the same painful autopilot that has gotten us to where we are. We can learn a new way, even if it's uncomfortable. And it will be uncomfortable to contemplate the possibility of asserting yourself, of advocating for yourself, of disagreeing with someone and maybe having them think poorly of you.
[00:10:32]:
Making your peace with the fact that not everyone will like you, and that you can't control that if you want to be yourself. I think that there is a real freedom that comes with that, once you can make your peace with it, but it is, as a starting point, really uncomfortable if that's not been your way. I know a lot of people really can't tolerate the idea that someone's angry at them, that someone's disappointed in them, that someone thinks they're rude. Any of these things can feel really threatening to your whole identity, your whole sense of self, which is crafted on being nice and easy going and not causing a fuss, not rocking the boat. If that's been really fundamental to how you identify yourself, then the idea of departing from that can be really uncomfortable. But often it's part of the journey. Now to return to the original question, which was, how is this different to just being a nice person? I think essentially just being a nice person, just being kind, being generous, being loving, being authentic. It's not based in strategy.
[00:11:35]:
It's not something that you are thinking about a lot. You're not calculating, you're not working really hard behind the scenes to manufacture a certain outcome. And indeed, you're not actually all that invested in an outcome or attached to an outcome. You're not monitoring someone's response to you. And then if they don't respond the way you think they should have, or you'd hoped that they would, then that's a problem. And you feel like you've failed, or you feel like there's something very wrong, and you take it personally and you think about it and you dwell on it. Maybe you feel a lot of shame or stress. I don't think that just being kind has that sort of emotional baggage or residue attached to it.
[00:12:19]:
I think once you tend to the underlying fears and wounds, you're able to be kind and generous and loving without fear, without an agenda, without strings attached, without feeling like you do need to control, or that your sense of self is tethered to the way that someone responds to you. And I do want to mention as well, because I think, as I said, with terms like people pleasing, I think we can take it to extremes and pathologize ourselves if we notice ourselves ever doing this. And I think, let's be honest, we all do this from time to time. We all people please. We all adapt ourselves to certain situations and people and dynamics. And I think that that's fine. It is what it is. I think where it becomes a problem is where it is compromising your inner sense of integrity and your awareness of who you are.
[00:13:09]:
And so if it becomes your only way or the predominant way that you move about the world, that you're always flip flopping, that you're always shapeshifting, that you're always contorting yourself such that you've lost connection with who the you is underneath all of that, that it's always this performance and that it's just trading one mask for another. And you don't actually know what is true or authentic to you when you feel burnt out by it, when you feel resentful. I think that's when it crosses over into being a concern, being something that we want to look at. It's not about being overly vigilant of, oh, I actually behave a certain way in front of my boss because I'm trying to impress them and I wouldn't do that in front of my friend. Does that mean I'm a people pleaser? No, I think that that means you're human and that's perfectly fine. But as I said, when we do feel like it's only masks and facades and performances, and so much of our self worth hinges on our ability to earn the approval and validation of others, that's when we want to look at these things. Because ultimately, there's a part of you underneath all of that that is terrified of what would happen if you didn't people please.
[00:14:23]:
Part of you that's absolutely terrified of the idea that someone could not like you or could disapprove of you. And that's the part of you that needs your attention, because that's probably a very old wound and that needs some love and compassion and understanding rather than just trying to kind of forcefully change the behaviour that springs from it. Okay? So I hope that's given you something to think about, something to reflect on. And as I said, if this resonates with you and you notice these patterns within yourself, definitely recommend you cheque out healing anxious attachment next week as we talk about all of this stuff and so much more in the course. And I would love to see you there. So make sure to jump on the waitlist in the show notes if you haven't already. Otherwise, thank you for joining me and I will see you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:15:16]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, people pleasing, empathy, self-sacrificing, subconscious patterns, identity, genuine connections, anxious attachment, values, needs, authenticity, strategy, control, approval, emotional baggage, pathologize, integrity, performance, self-worth, validation, compassion, reflection, self-discovery, emotional resilience, online content, relationships, Black Friday sale, live Q&A
Why Anxious & Avoidant People Are Drawn to Each Other
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the common question of why those with anxious attachment patterns are typically attracted to those with avoidant attachment patterns (and vice versa). As we know, this is a very common relationship pairing - which can be confusing when you feel like the challenges of that dynamic are at odds with your preferences and desires.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the common question of why those with anxious attachment patterns are typically attracted to those with avoidant attachment patterns (and vice versa). As we know, this is a very common relationship pairing - which can be confusing when you feel like the challenges of that dynamic are at odds with your preferences and desires.
As we'll cover, oftentimes this is driven by subconscious patterns that propel us to recreate the familiar in a way that reinforces our core beliefs about ourselves and others.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment Black Friday Sale
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about why it is that anxious and avoidant folks tend to be drawn to one another in relationship. So this is a very well established, observable, and I'm sure, anecdotally relatable pattern that we see all the time. And yet for a lot of people, it can feel really confusing because it seems to be at ODs with maybe not only what you want, but also at ODs with your preferences, your underlying desires when it comes to relationship, how you would like your relationship to look and feel. It can feel really confusing when we find ourselves in partnership with people who have ostensibly conflicting preferences and ideals when it comes to what it means to be in a relationship.
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And yet, as I said, it is very common for anxious and avoidant folks to be drawn to one another, almost like a magnetic pull that we can't resist. And if you're familiar with my work, you'd know that my philosophy is not one that says just avoid each other or it's always doomed and you should just go and find a secure partner and save yourselves the trouble. I don't subscribe to that kind of mentality, but at the same time, I think that we can often find ourselves drawn to certain people and patterns and dynamics from a subconscious, often wounded place, a place that is being largely driven by insecurities or unhelpful belief patterns. And so while that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed or the other person is bad, it is helpful always, I think, to have more awareness around what does drive our patterns so that we can have greater capacity to choose right. Without awareness, there's no choice. And I think we're much more prone to projection and fear and blame and insecurity when we're operating from a subconscious place. And the more we can bring awareness, the more we can take responsibility. We can clean up our side of the street, and we're much more likely to have healthier relationships when we are operating from something that is more aware and more conscious.
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So I'm going to be talking about this today. What tends to drive that pattern on both sides? Because it is very much a two way street. It's not just anxious people being drawn to avoidant people. Avoidant people tend to be drawn to anxious people as well. And so I'm going to share some thoughts on what can drive that on both sides. And of course, there's no single explanation that will apply to every case. But there's certainly key themes that I see emerging from the many people that I've spoken to about this and worked with before I dive into that. I just wanted to share that in a couple of weeks time, I am going to be reopening healing anxious attachment.
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It will be the 6th round of the course, which is wild to say. We've had over 1250 people go through the programme, which is very, very wonderful. And this next round happens to line up with Black Friday, which means that for those who sign up in this next cohort, you are very lucky. The timing is such that you'll be getting very discounted pricing. I'll be offering the course at the lowest price that I've offered it since I very first launched it in March of 2022. So if you are interested, jump on the waitlist via my website or that's linked directly in the notes under this episode. Being on the waitlist will ensure that you get first dibs and that you're able to access the Black Friday sale pricing for the course. I also wanted to quickly mention I've had a couple of people message me or leave a review recently complaining about me sharing about my courses at the start of each episode, and I just wanted to give a little bit of context for that.
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This podcast is ad free. I don't have any sPonsors. I don't have any subscriber only content. It's completely free. I think there's almost 120 episodes of totally free content. And believe it or not, that takes a lot of energy and effort and time every single week for me to record and edit and produce and upload, all of which I do myself. So I just want to contextualise that for people and maybe a gentle reminder that all of this doesn't just happen magically. And the only way that this show is able to exist is by me sharing opportunities to work with me in a paid capacity.
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Of course, you're always most welcome to skip past the first few minutes of the podcast if you find it particularly irritating, but I think that sometimes people need a bit of a reality cheque on how things work, and maybe when they're being a little bit entitled about other people's time and energy. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around anxious avoidant dynamics. Why we're so drawn to each other so, as I said, there's no hard and fast rule or explanation as to why this happens, and yet we see it happen all the time. And I'm sure many of you listening can attest to the fact that it feels almost magnetic, the pull towards each other. Even if you set the conscious intention to steer clear of certain dynamics, you might find yourselves back in them. And as a starting point, I think it's important to recognise that we are incredibly drawn to familiarity. All of our subconscious drives will gravitate towards what is known, because that's what's comfortable to us, even if what is comfortable is also challenging, painful, dysfunctional. There's a certain safety in the known relative to the unknown.
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I think when we take it a layer deeper and we look at some of the core beliefs that anxious folks and avoidant folks have around what it means to be in relationship and what that experience generally entails. We can see that the anxious avoidant pairing can do a pretty good job at keeping those belief systems intact. So for someone with more anxious patterns, the core beliefs that they tend to have about themselves are I am unworthy, I am unlovable. No one will ever love me as much as I love them. I have to work really hard to get someone's love, and to keep someone's love, I'm going to be abandoned. I'm always on the lookout for someone pulling away, someone being inconsistent, someone leaving me. Those sorts of belief systems are pretty deeply held and really etched in for someone with anxious patterns. And so when they are in relationship with someone who's more avoidant, who might not be overly expressive with their love and affection, who might be hot and cold at times, who might pull away, who might not be really consistent and available in the way they show up towards their anxious partner.
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As much as that triggers those same wounds, it also holds that belief system intact. Right? Because the anxious person believes no one's ever going to love me as much as I love them. I have to work really hard, all of these things. It's like, yeah, okay, my belief system, I've just gathered more evidence in support of that. And in a weird way, that's comforting to me because that is what I know. On the flip side of that, someone with more avoidant patterns is likely to have belief systems that sound like relationships are hard work. People are always disappointed in me. People want too much from me.
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What I do is never enough. I always feel like a failure. People are overly emotional and overbearing and controlling all of these sorts of things, which when they are partnered with someone who's anxious, those can be proven true, right. They can see someone who's very emotionally expressive, who might have high emotional needs. And as they get increasingly triggered or insecure, they tend to ramp up things like blame and criticism and raising the bar, and it's never enough. And constant requests for reassurance. And so there can be a lot of evidence gathered by the avoidant person in support of relationships are too hard, people are too much. I'm better off alone.
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And so even though that kind of very classic enactment of the anxious avoidant trap, the anxious avoidant dynamic is painful on both sides in that it's reinforcing pretty painful belief patterns. It's actually very much in accordance with each person's view of themselves, of others, and of the world. Right? So that's kind of explanation one for why we do that. There is a strange comfort in proving ourselves right, even if the things that we're proving ourselves right about are stories of pain and victimhood and unworthiness and failure. Related to that point around familiarity is you'll often see people recreating dynamics in their relationships that have some sort of echo of their family system. And when we look back at the origin patterns, the origin stories of most folks with anxious attachment style, the key factor that gives rise to anxious attachment patterns is inconsistency. So sometimes when I reach for you, you're there, and sometimes you aren't. You don't respond reliably enough to my attempts at connection that I trust in the stability of that connection that I trust in the reliability of you being there and that unreliability, that Unpredictability, that inconsistency, creates in me a lot of anxiety about whether I'm going to get my needs met creates a lot of anxiety of whether you're going to be there.
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And so when you are there, I want to keep you closed, and when you're not, I panic because I don't know whether or when you're going to come back. Right. Again, we can see a lot of the things that I'm describing which are really in the context of infant caregiver relationships playing out in a classic anxious avoidant dance with someone who might be less consistent, less available, less reliable to the anxious partner. So while that is, again, triggering and carries a lot of residue from that person's origin story, it's also very familiar because our origin stories are our blueprint for what it means to love and be loved. And so we go, oh, okay, this might hurt, but it's what I know. And more than that, it's not just a familiar pain, but all of the things that we've learned to do in response to that kind of pattern. So all of my tools, all of my strategies work really well in that environment because that's what they developed in response to. You could use the analogy of if I grew up in a particular climate and I developed a lot of savvy and know how about how to get by in a harsh environment, if you suddenly put me in a totally different environment, even if it were a less challenging environment, objectively speaking, I might not be very well adapted to that environment.
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I'm adapted to the one that I have spent most of my life in, and similarly in relationships, we can see, okay, if I have grown up in a system where I had to work really hard to get love, or I'm used to trying to perform, to get attention, or I'm used to trying to be low maintenance and having no needs. That's all in my toolkit, right? Those are all protective strategies that I've become very sharpened at. And so in a weird sort of way, I feel safer when I have those tools at my disposal and when those tools feel well suited to the dynamics that I then find myself in. So we can see that play out. And on the other side of the coin, it's the same story. So that is the core belief, family of origin explanation for why anxious and avoided people are drawn to each other on the other side. And these are not alternative explanations. I think they're more complementary.
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On the other side, I want to speak to how these dynamics tend to present in early dating, which is obviously the context in which we are initially attracted to, drawn to one another. So in early dating, what you'll often see is that someone who's more avoidant tends to be pursuing someone who's more anxious. I think this is a really common misconception that I've spoken to before on the podcast when people have asked that question of how can I spot someone who's avoidant in early dating. The thing is that most avoidant people are not going to be avoidant from day one. They're not going to be pulling away at the very start. That tends to be a stress response that happens later when there's stress, but at the beginning there tends not to be a lot of stress in the connection, because it's exciting, it's thrilling, it's new, it's fresh, and both people tend to come to that with really, really idealistic views of what it's going to be like, of how easy it's going to be, of like, oh, wow, this person's amazing. We all have that thing of seeing someone through rose coloured glasses at the very beginning, through this fog haze of infatuation and chemistry and all of that. And I don't think that's a problem we need to solve.
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I think it just is what it is, and it's something we need to be aware of and maybe not trust our own judgement so blindly in that phase when we know we're very much under the influence. So what you'll see in that early phase is an avoidant person tends to be an active pursuer of someone. And for someone who's more anxious, being pursued feels amazing, right? Particularly being pursued by someone who seems quite different to you, who might be quite seemingly confident and direct and sure of themselves and staBle, and very different to most anxious people who might feel a little bit more insecure, a little bit more shy or hesitant or less assertive. And so to have this person who has all of those traits and qualities that you really perceive a lack of in yourself and you admire in others, to have them pursue you quite enthusiastically, can feel amazing. Because, of course we're like, wow, someone like that wants someone like me, that makes me feel special and wanted, and that kind of lights you up. Particularly if you're someone who struggles with self worth, with feeling good enough, then having that level of attention is going to feel like, really, really good. Now, for the more avoidant person they are often attracted to in that early stage, the anxious person's emotionality, right? Even though that might be something that they later come to resist or resent or be frustrated by, that's something that they perceive a lack of in themselves, that they struggle to access within themselves that sense of expressiveness, of empathy, of emotionality. And so they might be really drawn to that in someone who's more anxious, having that depth, having that access to their inner world, is something that can feel really alluring to someone with more avoidant patterns, who is not accustomed to accessing that within themselves.
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And so that can be a real draw card for them, often subconsciously, of course. So that can pull you together at the start. The ways in which you are kind of opposites, so to speak, can be really, really attractive. But then what we often see is, and this is true whether you're in anxious avoidant dynamic or not, is that the very things that we were drawn to become, the very things that we criticise or find frustrating. So what the anxious person initially perceived as stability and directness and confidence, might then subsequently be perceived as coldness, aloofness, arrogance in their partner, and might be something that they start attacking or criticising. And likewise, the avoidant person might initially be drawn to that emotionality and then quickly recast that as neediness or being demanding or being unstable or too much. So we can see how those things that we are initially drawn to, that we lack within ourselves or that we have shut off within ourselves or kind of suppressed, that we can feel really a sense of admiration of or allure around in someone else. We then subsequently, when the sheen wears off, we are met with the rude awakening that this person is just different to us.
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And we can find ourselves being very critical of those same traits that we once were drawn to. So that's kind of the other key explanation, is that we are drawn to that which we have suppressed or which is underdeveloped within us, because we find that so alluring. And that makes sense as well, even from, like, an evolutionary point of view, that we would be drawn to someone with complementary traits or strengths or skills to us, rather than someone who's exactly the same as us. Because that sort of diversity of strengths is adaptive, of course. So what do we do with all of that? I think that it's really important, as I said at the start, to not freak out about this. What I often see is that people respond to insights like this by becoming overly vigilant and interrogating themselves and second guessing, third guessing, fourth guessing their own judgement, going, oh, no, is this just my subconscious? Because I think this, but I'm not sure about this. And that self trust piece, that can be a challenge for a lot of people with insecure patterns can get in the way there and we can become almost suspicious of our own feelings. And that's really not what I'm trying to contribute to in any way with sharing this, but rather just giving you some awareness of what it is within you that is drawn to certain things and what need that might be trying to meet or what painful story might be kept intact by certain choices, decisions, patterns that you continue to engage in.
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And I think that the more we can shine a light on those parts of us, those shadowy parts or those wounded parts, then the more we can tend to those aspects of ourselves and ultimately work to heal them or care for them so that we can start to trust in our decision making. So that we can have greater consciousness around who we choose to be in relationship with and where that choice is coming from. Because I think ultimately that's what we want to be shooting for. So I hope that this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you and all of your ongoing support. And as I said, if you're interested in joining healing anxious attachment when doors open in a couple of weeks time, just jump on the waitlist in the show notes and you will be notified via email when it's time. Thank you all so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.