#180: 5 Hard Truths About Healing Anxious Attachment
Healing anxious attachment is a life-changing journey — but it’s not always easy. While moving toward secure attachment can bring more ease, confidence, and healthier relationships, it also requires confronting some uncomfortable truths along the way. In this episode, we’re unpacking five hard truths about healing that will help you set realistic expectations and stay committed to your growth.
What We Cover in This Episode:
Why healing isn’t always comfortable — and why grief is often part of the process
The myth of waking up one day as "fully secure" and what real progress looks like
How healing might disrupt your relationships (and why not everyone will like the changes you make)
Why you won’t stop getting triggered — but how you can gain more control over your reactions
The surprising truth: sometimes you’ll miss your old patterns, even the unhealthy ones
Healing doesn’t mean never struggling again. It means showing up differently, practicing new choices, and being compassionate with yourself along the way. If you're in the thick of it, know that you're not alone, and every step forward matters.
Healing Anxious Attachment: Embracing the Journey
In the realm of relationships, anxious attachment can feel like carrying a heavy weight. It colours interactions with an urgency to secure love and approval, often leading to cycles of fear and reactivity that can strain even the strongest of bonds. Understanding and healing anxious attachment is not only an act of self-care but also a pathway to cultivating healthier, more satisfying connections with others. However, the journey of healing is often fraught with challenges that can catch individuals by surprise. Here, we explore five hard truths about healing anxious attachment and provide insights into navigating these realities with grace and resilience.
1. Embracing Discomfort as a Sign of Progress
Healing is rarely a seamless or comfortable endeavour. For those embarking on a journey to address anxious attachment, there will be moments of discomfort that mirror grief. Bringing awareness to past wounds—those patterns of self-abandonment, the ingrained fears of unworthiness, and visceral feelings of potential rejection—can be painful. It's essential to confront these emotions, however unsettling they may be, to truly liberate oneself from the weight of past burdens. By acknowledging and processing these feelings, individuals build resilience, paving the way for emotional freedom and authenticity. Embracing discomfort as a natural part of healing allows for genuine growth and transformation.
2. The Elusiveness of a 'Secure' Destination
One of the biggest misconceptions in healing is the belief that reaching a state of 'secure attachment' is akin to crossing a finish line. The truth is, there is no single moment of arrival. Healing anxious attachment is a gradual, ongoing practice. It involves repeatedly choosing new ways of responding to triggers, over and over again, until they become the default. This transition happens slowly; it's about cultivating tools and using them consistently rather than expecting an overnight change in behaviour or feelings. Over time, the newer, healthier patterns become more comfortable—a testament to progress rather than a sudden transformation.
3. Navigating External Resistance to Personal Growth
As individuals reshape their ways of being, they may encounter resistance from others who are accustomed to the old dynamics. Healing anxious attachment involves setting boundaries, expressing needs, and sometimes redefining relationships. Not everyone will welcome these changes. Friends or family who were content with the status quo might push back, as these shifts challenge the system's balance. It's vital to remain steadfast in the journey towards authenticity and well-being, even if it means facing discontent from others. True growth is rooted in self-validation rather than external approval, and finding courage to uphold one's emotional health is crucial.
4. Expecting and Managing Triggers Along the Way
The notion that healing eliminates all triggers is a myth. Triggers remain a part of life, and being activated by certain stimuli is inevitable. The real growth lies in the ability to respond differently. Through healing, individuals gain better control over their reactions, opting for more thoughtful and intentional behaviours rather than reactive impulses. This development is akin to expanding one's emotional toolkit, allowing for healthier coping strategies when facing challenges. While triggers may never entirely disappear, their hold weakens as one's capacity to self-regulate and choose constructive responses strengthens.
5. Acknowledging a Sense of Nostalgia for Old Patterns
Strangely, during the healing process, there may be moments where old patterns seem enticing. The comfort of familiarity can draw individuals back to well-worn routes of protection and defence, even if those paths were hurtful. It's essential to recognise this as a normal part of change. Sometimes, the immediate gratification of falling back into old habits tempts, akin to craving junk food despite knowing its ill effects. Acknowledging this desire without judgment is key to moving forward. Continuing to choose growth over regression enhances personal integrity and supports long-term well-being.
The Journey is the Destination
Healing anxious attachment is a courageous voyage that demands patience, commitment, and self-compassion. These hard truths serve as guideposts, reminding us that while the journey may be challenging, it's ultimately worthwhile. Each step, each uncomfortable realisation, and each choice to act from a place of security and calm rather than fear and reactivity signifies progress. Embracing this path, with all its messiness and moments of clarity, leads not only to self-discovery but to the profound ability to connect more meaningfully with others. Healing is not just an end goal; it is an ongoing practice of choosing love and authenticity daily.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your expectations around the healing journey. Do you find yourself expecting it to be seamless and comfortable? How does this align with your experiences so far?
Have you noticed a gap between your expectations and the reality of your healing process? How do you manage these discrepancies and maintain motivation?
Consider the concept that healing is a practice rather than a destination. How does this idea impact your approach to personal growth and change?
Think about a time when you received pushback from others as a result of your personal growth. How did you handle the situation, and what did it teach you about your relationships?
Reflect on your experiences of being triggered in relationships. How have you navigated these moments, and what strategies do you use to respond more mindfully?
How do you balance the longing for comfort in old patterns with the desire to embrace healthier ways of being? What role does self-compassion play in this process?
Have you ever felt a sense of grief during your healing journey as you confronted past wounds? How did you support yourself through these emotions?
Consider the idea that not everyone will appreciate the changes you're making in your life. How do you prioritize your path to authenticity while managing the fear of losing approval or connection?
Does the concept of missing old patterns resonate with you? How do you navigate moments when you find yourself yearning for the familiarity of those habits?
Reflect on the importance of self-reflection and course correction in your healing journey. How do you cultivate a mindset that allows for growth without self-criticism?
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about healing, and specifically five hard truths about healing anxious attachments that you will likely encounter if you are on a healing journey. Really, these truths that I'm going to share extend beyond just anxious attachment. I think if any of us are on a healing journey, as I suspect most of the people listening to this podcast are or have been, We will often be met with instances in which there's a bit of a gap between expectation and reality, let's put it that way, in terms of what we were hoping for, what we expected about what our growth and healing might entail, and the reality of it, which is often a bit messier and sometimes more challenging than we might have anticipated. So in today's episode, I want to dispel some myths when it comes to the healing process, and really frame your expectations around what that is likely to look like, what you can expect as you walk the path of healing, particularly in the context of anxious attachment, but as I said, this will apply more broadly as well. And the reason that I want to talk about that is really because I think so many people who I work with have maybe unrealistic expectations as to what it really means to do this work and what it involves, and so there can be this sense of you know, 'something's wrong if I'm still getting triggered', or 'something's wrong if I still experience anxiety from time to time', 'still having conflict in my relationship', or 'I've still found myself being attracted to a certain type of person', and I think there can be this almost fantasy that once we've done certain healing work, listened to podcasts, done a course, read a book, or two or three or four, that we should sort of magically dissolve all of those old patterns.
[00:02:20]:
And as we'll talk about today, of course, the truth is a little bit more nuanced than that. There is a bit more to it, and it's not that we are magically becoming someone totally different overnight, and having all of our blueprints and patterns and protective strategies dissolving into nothingness. It is really an ongoing practice and something that we are choosing and growing into every day, and that doesn't allow us to opt out of life with all of its messiness and challenge. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. If you're someone with anxious attachment and you are just starting out on your healing journey, I have a free starter kit that contains a video where I talk about my own journey with healing anxious attachment and the hard truths that I had to confront, a workbook and also a guided meditation. So it's a really great little starter kit that gives you a sense of the road ahead and starts you on that journey with some tools. And as I said, that's totally free, so you can download that via my website or the link in the show notes.
[00:03:28]:
And if you are maybe a little further along in your journey or you're wanting to kick things up a notch, a reminder that my signature program Healing Anxious Attachment is available and is on sale at the moment, so you might have heard me in the past couple of weeks promoting a birthday sale. The VIP contingent of that has come and gone, but I am offering the course at a discounted rate for its birthday for the next week or so. So you can still save over $100 on the regular price, and you don't need any code or anything for that. That's all just on my website, again linked in the show notes. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, definitely check that out. Thousands of people have gone through the program and it always gets really rave reviews. So a great resource for anyone who's really looking to commit to themselves and their healing journey. Okay, so let's talk about five hard truths that you will face in healing your anxious attachment.
[00:04:23]:
The first one is that healing is not always comfortable. In fact, it will often be uncomfortable, and it will sometimes even feel like grief. In fact, often it will bring up grief as we go through that journey because the more we bring conscious awareness to all of the ways in which we have become disconnected from ourself, lost ourself, abandoned ourself, As we connect the dots between old pain and wounds and young parts of us that have been maybe in the driver's seat for much of our lives, when we start to dig in underneath some of those protective strategies and it reveals to us some really primal fears around unworthiness, around belonging, around being good enough, around this visceral fear that someone's going to leave us, or that we can't count on people or trust people. As much as healing can liberate us from the shackles of all of that heaviness so that we don't have to be subconsciously driven by those fears anymore, the process of that unburdening can be really painful, and it can bring up a lot of grief. It's that classic saying that people throw around which is the only way out is through', and there's some truth to that, that we can't keep all of that stuff locked in a box within us and also hope to become free of it. So the healing process involves turning towards things that we have spent most of our life turning away from, or trying to avoid coming into contact with. So expecting that process of healing to be seamless and comfortable and to always look and feel good is really unrealistic. So it is a hard truth that many of us will have to confront as we do this work, that it will bring up emotions that we've probably spent most of our lives trying to avoid, or bypass or we've made ourselves wrong for.
[00:06:27]:
Okay. The second hard truth when it comes to healing your anxious attachment is you are not going to wake up one day and magically have arrived at the destination that is secure attachment. It doesn't really work that way. It is better thought of as a practice and something that you choose over and over again. I think that, again, I've had people ask me in the past when they're contemplating signing up for my course or working with me in some capacity, and asking, at the end of this eight weeks, am I correct in understanding that I will be securely attached and I won't experience anxiety anymore?' Being as I am committed to honesty and transparency, I am always very frank with people in saying that that's not something I would ever promise. My work is about giving you the tools, and then it's a matter of putting that into practice and showing up for yourself in little moments and big moments. The cumulative impact of that over time is that the old way, which is the way that's led by fear and anxiety and stress and overwhelm and helplessness and all of those things, the old way transitions into a new way. What you might notice, the crux of this hard truth was that you won't magically wake up one day being secure.
[00:07:48]:
What you might notice is you look at your life one day and the new way is actually more of a default than the old way. So for me, it's not that I never experience or feel any residue of my anxious attachment, I certainly do, but when it comes to things like communication in my relationship or conflict, the idea of reacting in ways that I once would have is now very foreign to me. And that's because of a lot of different things, it's because of the emotional safety that I've built in my relationship, it's because of the greater nervous system capacity that I've cultivated within myself, it's because I have different tools to reach for, it's because frankly I have more integrity and internal boundary around the way that I will and won't behave in a relationship, and I have enough capacity in those moments to exercise choice. But it really is a matter of the old way definitely would feel less comfortable than the new way. But that is because I have practiced, and I have built up evidence in my system over time that the new way actually gives me what I need much more of the time than the old way which might have looked like sulking or protesting or escalating or doing any of those other things that were protective and designed to shield me from vulnerability, but ultimately ineffective in getting me what I wanted and needed in those moments. But it really is something that is gradual over time, and it's also worth mentioning that attachment more broadly exists on a spectrum. A spectrum, it's not like we're in one bucket and then we hop into another bucket once we've ticked off a checklist or something like that. There is a level of fluidity and responsiveness to context, and you might notice that when you are under more stress or pressure, your anxious attachment patterns or any other insecure patterns are closer to the surface.
[00:09:50]:
All of that makes a lot of sense, but the crux of this one is you're not just gonna magically wake up one day and be secure, It is really something that you have to continue choosing and practicing over time, and then one day you will find that it is more comfortable and closer to hand than all of the old patterns that were no longer serving you. Okay. The next hard truth about healing is that not everyone's gonna like the version of you that you're becoming. And this one is particularly challenging for those of us who tend towards people pleasing and approval seeking, and being very invested in external validation and the opinions and judgments of others, and decoupling our sense of worth from that approval, from other people, needing everyone to agree with us and accept us and tell us that we're right and good all the time, that's a really big part of growth. The more we can internally source that sense of worth and value, the less invested we are in everything that's going on out there. Particularly when it comes to our closer relationships, our romantic relationships, but even friends and family, if we are doing big work in terms of learning to be more boundaried, learning to ground ourselves in our own values, our own authenticity, voicing needs, maybe correcting patterns of self loss, self sacrifice, over giving, over functioning, responsibility taking where it was maybe too far beyond our capacity in a way that was ultimately harming our well-being. As we start to correct some of those patterns and find our way back to something that feels more balanced and measured, we may well receive pushback or resistance from people who are accustomed to the status quo that has existed. Relationships are systems, families are systems, and when one person in the system starts to recalibrate, it shakes up the whole system.
[00:12:03]:
And if other people aren't on a journey of growth and healing, and maybe aren't interested in a new way, maybe they were very comfortable with the old way, then that can feel threatening to them, and they won't necessarily like it because you giving less might mean them having to give more, or you pulling back on some of your patterns of over functioning might mean that certain balls get dropped. All of those things, in anxious avoidant dynamics, anxiously attached people do so much work all the time to close the gap, to reach out. I think of like it's almost like running on a hamster wheel all the time to just try and keep the relationship afloat, and so if you suddenly let go of some of that behavior, it might lead to ripple effects in your relationship. Sometimes there will be really positive ripple effects, but other times it might not be met with warmth and excitement on the other side, it might not be a welcome change. So preparing yourself for the fact that not everyone is going to like the changes that you're making, and really the most important thing there is that you need to be so committed to finding your path to authenticity and well-being in yourself and in your relationships, that that matters more to you than the approval of the people around you. And of course I know that that's so much easier said than done, and that when our sense of authenticity is in conflict with connection or belonging, or any of those other really deep attachment needs, it's almost always easier for us to sacrifice our authenticity, in the short term at least, and that's what got many of us to our patterns. But part of the work of growing and healing is figuring out and deciding, 'Is this worth what it's costing me?' And a lot of us will find our way to answering that in the negative and deciding that we're not actually willing to let go of really fundamental parts of who we are and what we need in order to keep a relationship afloat. Okay.
[00:14:16]:
The fourth hard truth when it comes to healing anxious attachment is one that I've sort of already touched on, but it is that healing does not mean that you are not gonna get triggered anymore. I wish that that were the case, but alas, it is not. Triggers are part of life. Being activated by something is part of life. Certainly, the healing process means that we are less reactive in our triggers. So I think when we are maybe at the start of our healing journey, or we haven't started our healing journey, a lot of people will feel so reactive and so out of control, like almost as if as soon as you get triggered something takes over you and you feel really at the mercy of whatever those responses are. Those protective parts shoot from the hip really quickly, and you then have to deal with the fallout, deal with the consequences afterwards. Healing certainly means that we have more control over how we respond to things, and that's really where the freedom comes into it.
[00:15:23]:
But it doesn't mean that we don't get triggered in the first place. I think it can mean that we get triggered a lot less. I certainly feel not nearly as triggered by things as I once was, and certainly things around the tendency to take people's behaviour personally and go into all of those stories that we might have around how could someone do that?' or 'they're so selfish' all of those judgments that are oftentimes coming from a wounded place within us. I think the more that we can tend to those wounds within us, the less we are likely to place ourselves at the center of the narrative, and I think it is when we are at the center of the narrative that we are more prone to being easily triggered by everything around us. But even still, there will be moments, and particularly in our most intimate relationships, which have a funny knack for triggering us in all of those ways that will feel very familiar. Those moments will still arise, there will still be challenges, there will still be times where you feel that pull to the old way, but healing is really all about creating space, creating pause, building capacity to choose something different that goes back to that earlier hard truth which was that the process of becoming secure is really the process of choice and practice and repetitions over time. So part of that is choosing how we respond to moments of trigger, and that might be through self regulation, self soothing, through taking some space, through coaching ourselves through it, through seeking out the support of someone that we trust. Lots of healthier ways to respond than just, as I said, shooting from the hip and impulsively, reactively firing off those old ways of being that actually keep us entrenched in the patterns that we're trying to shake.
[00:17:12]:
Okay. And the fifth and final hard truth about healing anxious attachment is that you'll have moments where you miss your old patterns. And that might sound a little weird if you are in the depths of this at the moment and you are doing everything in your power to shake those patterns. The idea of missing those patterns, missing those habits, missing those ways of being probably doesn't make sense to you. But there is something cozy and comfy about our habituated patterns of self protection. I can guarantee you that at least some part of you really, really likes the status quo, really likes the thought loops, really likes those protective mechanisms, really likes all of the ways that you have learned to keep yourself safe. And let's face it, sometimes it can feel really good to make the snappy comment or to not take the high road. We can recognize that, yes, there's certain things that I want to do in terms of how I show up in my relationships.
[00:18:16]:
Being mature and acting from integrity and my values and all of that, but sometimes we do just want to make the passive aggressive comment or bite back at someone who we feel is disrespecting us. So it's not always comfy or easy to take the high road and to choose something that is more mature and aligned. Often times we will want to reach for those old patterns that even though we know they weren't good for us, they can taste good in the way that junk food does. So there will be times, I promise you, where at least a part of you will want to reach for those old things because you might miss them. It might feel like it was easier or simpler than having to exercise choice, having to make those more grounded, wise choices that are in service of our relationships. Being the bigger person is not always comfortable, and I think some parts of us, particularly younger parts, can have a bit of resistance to that and can feel almost like it's unfair. Why do I always have to be the one to say sorry? Why do I always have to be the one to lead repair in my relationship? Why do I always have to be the one to stay regulated or not take things personally? Those parts of us can come to the surface and just want to go into immature patterns of conflict, or making misnite remarks, or being juvenile, or being petty, being stubborn, all of these things that are a little bit juicy in the moment sometimes, and we want to revert or regress into those old ways of being when we feel entitled to, and when we don't want to have to be the one to lead. So prepare yourself for that, that you might miss aspects of your old patterns, even if they're unhealthy, even if they're dysfunctional.
[00:20:09]:
From time to time you might notice yourself reaching for those, or at least longing for that, or resenting having to do the grown up thing and make the healthy choice in your relationship. Okay. So those were five hard truths that you will confront as you embark on this journey of healing anxious attachment. I hope that it's given you something to sort of frame your expectations around. I do think it's really important in this and everything else to have realistic and healthy expectations, because as I said, otherwise we tend to think that something's wrong when really nothing is wrong. I think that can in turn lead us to be self critical and judgmental and blaming and shaming, which obviously obstructs our healing work. So rather than thinking that you're doing something wrong, if and when you experience any of the things I've talked about today, know that that's part of the process and that your job is just to continue to keep going, to continue being self reflective, and to the extent needed, course correcting. If you do slip up, so to speak, just learn the lesson.
[00:21:18]:
You don't need to punish yourself for that so much as recognize, okay, what was going on for me here, and what can I learn from it, and and continue putting one foot in front of the other? That's really what all of this is about. It's not about being perfect, it's not about a very neat linear journey from a to b, and really the way that we respond to ourselves along the way is a big part of making that transition from anxious to secure. So I'm sending so much love to any and all of you who are doing this brave and courageous work. And as I said, if you'd like some support on that journey, do check out my healing anxious attachment program, which is on sale for a few more days. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:07]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, Relationships, Healing, Anxious attachment, Insecurity, Growth, Expectations, Myths, Healing process, Emotional safety, Secure attachment, Personal growth, People pleasing, Boundaries, Self-worth, Triggers, Self-regulation, Conflict, Vulnerability, Communication, Protective strategies, Emotional awareness, Authenticity, Self-reflection, Self-soothing, Self-confidence, Conflict resolution, Personal development, Anxiety, Attachment theory.