#144 Why You Struggle to Let Go After a Break-Up (Even When They Were "Bad" For You)
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why you might struggle to let go of someone after a break-up - especially in circumstances where you logically know that they were "bad" for you. This is such a common experience, particularly for those with anxious attachment - feeling pulled in two different directions between what you know is best vs what your body and attachment system is urging you to do.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why you might struggle to let go of someone after a break-up - especially in circumstances where you logically know that they were "bad" for you. This is such a common experience, particularly for those with anxious attachment - feeling pulled in two different directions between what you know is best vs what your body and attachment system is urging you to do.
We cover:
The importance of managing expectations after a break-up
Why it's normal to miss your ex (without it meaning anything)
Why unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships can be even harder to let go of
Treating moving on as a choice rather than a feeling
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Why You Struggle to Let Go After a Break-Up (Even When They Were "Bad" For You)
Breaking up is never easy, but it can feel particularly perplexing when you find yourself struggling to let go of someone who was objectively “bad” for you. This emotional tug-of-war is more common than you might think and, contrary to popular belief, is not a sign of weakness or ignorance. Instead, it speaks to deeper emotional mechanics at play, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles. Let’s explore why it’s so challenging to move on and how you can work through this bewildering phase.
Emotional vs Logical Understanding
When a relationship ends, the human brain often plays a cruel trick: it creates a conflict between your emotional responses and your logical understanding. Logically, you may very well grasp that your ex-partner was inconsistent, unkind, or otherwise not suited to you. But emotionally, the attachment you formed doesn’t dissolve just because the relationship has.
This dichotomy can be especially pronounced in individuals with anxious attachment. For those who experience heightened anxiety around relationships, the bonds they form tend to be more intense and harder to sever, even if the relationship was fraught with issues. Understanding that this emotional dissonance is normal can be the first step toward healing.
The Role of Habit and Muscle Memory
One of the reasons you may struggle to let go is sheer habit. Relationships often involve routines and rituals that become ingrained in your daily life. Morning texts, evening calls, weekend plans—all of these create a structure. When the relationship ends, so do these habitual interactions, leaving you with a sense of void.
Moreover, emotionally charged relationships often have a kind of "muscle memory." You’re conditioned to think about your partner, worry about them, and even argue with them. When that stimulation is removed, the quiet can feel unsettling. The brain, accustomed to a certain level of emotional engagement, finds the sudden silence disruptive.
The Allure of Familiar Chaos
It might seem illogical to miss a relationship that caused more stress and drama than joy. Yet, for many, there is a twisted comfort in the familiarity of chaos. Dysfunctional relationships often reinforce a continuous cycle of stress and relief. Conflict generates anxiety, but resolving conflicts, even temporarily, provides emotional relief. This cycle can become addictive, making the emotional highs and lows hard to relinquish.
For some, being in conflict still feels better than being alone. The connection inherent in heated exchanges or reconciliations feels preferable to the emptiness of separation. Recognising that a dysfunctional relationship can still offer a perverse sense of security is crucial in understanding why letting go feels so tough.
Reframing Moving On: Action Over Emotion
The journey to letting go is often hampered by the belief that moving on should be a feeling rather than a choice. People say, “I can’t move on because I still love them,” and thus wait for the feeling of having moved on to arrive. However, this misconception can prolong your suffering.
Moving on is more about making deliberate choices and taking specific actions, rather than waiting to feel differently. Just like exercise, where motivation may come after you’ve already started working out, taking steps toward closure can eventually foster emotional relief. Setting new routines, seeking new social connections, and investing in personal development can initiate this process.
Practical Steps to Letting Go
Here are some practical steps to help you move forward:
- Limit Contact: Reducing or eliminating contact with your ex can help you rewire your habits. This includes social media checks and casual texts.
- Create New Routines: Fill the gaps left by the relationship with new hobbies or activities. This introduces new forms of joy and structure in your life.
- Reach Out for Support: Engage with friends, family, or a therapist to discuss your feelings and receive guidance.
- Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that it’s normal to miss someone and that these feelings don’t invalidate the reasons for your break-up.
- Focus on Personal Growth: Take this time to reflect on what you want and need in future relationships. Break the cycle of past patterns by understanding and reworking them.
The Importance of Self-Kindness
Above all, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism, asking why you can't seem to move on. Instead, understand that this is a deeply human experience. There’s nothing wrong or weak about feeling attached to someone who wasn’t good for you. It’s a part of navigating relationships and growing from them.
By compassionately confronting your feelings and taking proactive steps towards a healthier future, you'll find that the struggle to let go lessens over time. It’s in the ongoing process of nurturing yourself, rather than the rush to move on, that true healing occurs.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself struggling to let go of past relationships, even when you know they were not healthy for you? Reflect on the emotions and thoughts that arise in these moments.
How does your attachment style influence your feelings post-breakup? Do you notice any patterns or tendencies that might be contributing to your struggle with letting go?
Steph mentions the concept of “predictability in chaos.” Can you relate to finding a sense of safety in a tumultuous relationship? How has this impacted your ability to move on?
Have you ever mistaken missing someone for a sign that you should get back together? Reflect on why these feelings might be misleading and how you can reframe them.
What are some practical steps you can take to support yourself through the process of moving on from a breakup? List a few specific actions and consider how you can implement them in your daily life.
Consider the idea of moving on as a series of actions rather than just a feeling. How can you apply this mindset to your own healing process?
Reflect on a time when you felt an impulse to check up on an ex-partner. What emotions were driving this behaviour, and how can you redirect that energy towards self-care?
Journal about the role of self-compassion in your healing journey. How can you be kinder to yourself during this difficult phase of letting go?
Do you find yourself orbiting around the idea of your ex-partner, even long after the breakup? Explore ways in which you can shift your focus back to your own growth and well-being.
Stephanie talks about the importance of reframing your story from one of powerlessness to one of agency. How can you reframe your own narrative to feel more empowered and in control of your healing process?
Feel free to use these prompts for journaling or group discussions to deepen your understanding and reflection on the themes discussed in this episode.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am talking about why you struggle to let go of someone even when you know they're not good for you, so to speak. So this is a very, very common conundrum, particularly for folks with anxious attachment, although I don't think that it's exclusive to anxiously attached people. I think that the letting go of someone, irrespective of whether we logically know that the relationship, the connection is not right for us, whatever that might mean. You know, it's something that we all can fall prey to, that we can all struggle with to varying degrees. Although I do think that those among you who identify with anxious attachment will experience this in overdrive. And as we'll talk about, that's normal and makes perfect sense.
[00:01:20]:
I spoken many times before about, you know, why anxiously attached people tend to struggle with breakups. And this really falls into that same category. So I'm gonna be sharing some thoughts today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode, but hopefully one that gives you some reassurance if you're in this situation, if you're struggling to let go of someone, some reassurance that what you're experiencing is normal and it's not something that you need to overthink. Of course, easier said than done, for all of my overthinkers, if only it were as simple as me telling you to stop overthinking. But really, it isn't something that you need to try and make sense of because so much of the time, these things that we're trying to apply a rational lens to, they are experiences that are inherently irrational in that they are deeply emotional. And so oftentimes it's not a matter of making it make sense, but actually just making peace with the fact that it doesn't make logical or rational sense. And it's just a matter of seeing it for what it is and continuing to take steps forward without trying to solve it or make it go away.
[00:02:29]:
Because I think that's where we can get ourselves really stuck and devoting so much more energy to something that we're actually trying to move away from or let go of. So I'm gonna be sharing some thoughts on that today. Before I do, just a reminder that you can still save 50% on my master classes and courses, I think for the next week or so. I'll see. I'm going to be taking that down soon, maybe at the end of June. So you've still got a little bit of time to jump in, but not much. So if you're wanting to save 50% on any of my master classes, of course, is particularly with today's topic around letting go of someone. If you're in that situation, I'd really recommend you check out higher love, which is my breakout course.
[00:03:08]:
Hundreds and hundreds of people have gone through this course over the past couple of years, and it always gets really incredible feedback. People saying that it was instrumental in helping them not only kind of heal from their breakup, so to speak, but take steps towards a future where they feel much more confident and sure of themselves and, I suppose, self trusting that they're not going to just repeat the same patterns in the next relationship. And that's a big part of the course is getting clarity around that and kind of breaking those patterns so that you can do things differently next time rather than just doing a rinse and repeat. So you can save 50% on any of those with the discount code, hey, baby, if you're interested. And that's all linked in the show notes. Okay. So let's talk about why you struggle to let go of someone when you know that they're not good for you. Now, as I said, very, very common experience.
[00:03:55]:
So normal. And as I've spoken about many times before, if you search breakups within this podcast, there's heaps of episodes on it that you can go back and binge listen to if you feel so inclined. But really, breakups are meant to be hard and breakups are meant to pull you in different directions because you've got all of these conflicting drives. And just because a relationship ends, you're not going to suddenly stop loving the person. You're not going to suddenly stop having feelings towards them or feeling attached to them. You're not gonna stop expecting to see them in your day to day life or speak to them. All of these things that are so habitual and that you have so much muscle memory around, for them to just evaporate overnight is a really, really challenging experience at the best of times. Right? Now, when someone is not good for you, whatever that might mean, I think we'll just assume for the purposes of this episode that we're talking about, someone who maybe didn't treat you terribly well, maybe was flaky or inconsistent or just the combination of your attachment styles or whatever else, like what you each brought to the relationship meant that it was high drama, it was tumultuous, it was conflict ridden and you felt really unseen and all of those things that I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with.
[00:05:17]:
I've certainly had my fair share of that kind of dynamic in the past. So why why would that be hard to let go of? I think we can feel it doesn't make sense. As I was saying in the introduction, we can have this sense of wouldn't it be easier to let go of that person? Because rationally, logically, I know that that relationship was unhealthy and that they weren't good for me, that I felt distressed and sad and anxious most of the time in that relationship. So shouldn't I feel relieved now that I'm not with them anymore? Why do I feel like I miss them? Why can't I stop thinking about them? Why am I obsessing over what they're doing and who they're seeing and how they're spending their time and whether they miss me and whether they're thinking about me? Why do I still care so much when deep down I know that it was dysfunctional? And I think that, again, we really have to be so kind to ourselves and cut ourselves a lot of slack there because you're not like uniquely broken or desperate or pathetic for having that experience. It's actually extremely normal. And I think that, again, when we've had any kind of relationship end, but particularly one that has been really high drama, we have all this energy that we're used to devoting to the relationship, and we've probably really raised our baseline level of activation and stress around relationships. So when the the war is over, so to speak, and we're just left standing amongst the rubble, it can feel extremely disconcerting. And all of those drives to like check up on them and try and see what they're doing and try and control them in some way, That's probably just residual patterns of how you acted in the relationship.
[00:06:56]:
Right. You wanted to always be in conflict with them because for a lot of us, like conflict, at least we're engaged in conflict. And that connection that I get from fighting with you in a weird sort of way feels a lot safer to me than the silence and the disconnect. And so when you're then in the wake of a relationship ending and there's just nothing, you're just in the void, that can feel extremely uncomfortable. And it might not be conscious in so many words that you're making sense of it in that way. But that's often what's going on, is that you'd rather be in in the drama and in the chaos than in the silence and in the void without them. And so when you've been calibrated to that level of drama and chaos with someone who you know is not good for you, then your drive to pursue that, and often that will come out as overthinking about them obsessing, scrutinising, looking on their social media, playing detective, talking about them incessantly When you're so accustomed to there being stress and drama around that, when you're so accustomed to there being stress and drama around that attachment, around that person, around that relationship. So just recognising that what you're experiencing is a very normal response because, again, we can't really expect to go from, like, fully invested and and particularly when you've been in a relationship that has been stressful and on its last legs.
[00:08:27]:
Again, with anxiously attached people, the tendency is to just keep upping the ante in terms of how much energy you are putting towards the relationship. So you've probably neglected, like, every other aspect of your life, and you were consumed by it. Right? You're thinking about them all day long, or maybe you were trying to talk about the relationship all day long, but, like, really doubling down on trying to hold on, trying to get them to see you, see your perspective, to agree with you, to see how much they were hurting you so that they would change all of these patterns. And so when the heat just keeps rising and rising and rising and then it all goes quiet, that's a very uncomfortable experience. And so the what you're experiencing is why can't I let go of them is really like your system, just having this big hangover and not knowing what to do with the space and the separation and the lack of oversight, the lack of knowing what they're doing, not having that that tether to them when you've derived a lot of safety from that, even if it felt really dysfunctional and chaotic, There was a safety and a familiarity in that for you. There was a predictability in the chaos, and now you are left in the void and that can be deeply uncomfortable. So just normalising that experience and validating it, I realised that doesn't necessarily make it easier, but hopefully, will allow you to not feel like there's something wrong with you or that there's something that you need to solve for there or that you need to make meaning out of. I think this is where so many people fall down after a break.
[00:10:03]:
I was like, oh, I miss them. That must mean something. That must mean that we should get back together. So off I go, I'm gonna text them, and I'm gonna ask to see them and have one more conversation, and try one more time because if this were the right thing, I wouldn't be feeling this way. And while that's a really understandable kind of way to make sense out of it, I think that's often misleading because it's assuming that the missing them is unusual in some way or that it wouldn't be there if the relationship if it were really meant to end. Whereas, I think if you go into a breakup expecting to miss them, irrespective of what the relationship was like, knowing that it could be the most dysfunctional relationship in the world, and you're gonna have little moments of loss and grief, and that's completely normal as you kind of figure out the next chapter. I think that way you can kind of be a little more prepared for those moments if and when they come up and you you don't spiral quite so dramatically. So if you're in this situation and you're having this this thought of why can't I let go, then what I'd really encourage you to do is for starters, drop that story.
[00:11:18]:
So stop saying that over and over. Why can't I let go? I can't let go. It has this kind of powerlessness baked into it that I don't think is very helpful to just keep telling yourself that, oh, my hands are tied. I can't help it. I can't help texting them. I can't help calling them. You can. And I think you just have to say the more honest thing, which is it's really uncomfortable for me to be in this no man's land, to be in this in between space of not really knowing what the next chapter of my life looks like, but not being in that last chapter where even though it was dysfunctional and I didn't feel very good in the relationship, there was still a sense of identity and purpose that I derived from that.
[00:12:02]:
There was still a familiarity. There was still a predictability even in all of the drama. So be honest with you can stop yourself from doing it. It's just really uncomfortable and unfamiliar, and it's going to take some time for you to know how to navigate that. And that's really where you might have heard me say before, we really have to reframe moving on after a relationship ends from a feeling to a choice and an action. People say, I can't move on. I still love them, so I can't move on. And I think if you're waiting for moving on to be a feeling, oh, I just have to sit at home on the couch until I stop loving them.
[00:12:42]:
You're going to be waiting a really long time. Now, that's not to say that you can't have a wallowing period. I actually really encourage it in my higher love course. I have a little exercise for you where you just devote 10 minutes a day to wallowing and crying and doing whatever you need to do. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel those things, but to balance that with taking decisive steps forward and really supporting yourself and taking good care of yourself and kind of deciding that you're gonna write the story of what comes next rather than really dwelling in this place of passivity and self pity and woe is me and nobody's ever gonna love me. I don't think that that's a good place to hang out for too long, And you really do need to trust that if you take steps towards moving on, you take action towards moving on, then the moving on as a feeling kind of follows the moving on as an action or a set of actions. So in much the same way that we don't wait to go to the gym until we feel really motivated, we decide to go to the gym because we know that that's in alignment with our values. And even if we don't feel like it, we know that the feelings will follow, will feel better afterwards, will feel better while we're there even.
[00:13:55]:
And so we we take the action even if we don't have the feeling at the outset. Same with something like meditation. I think that a lot of the time people say, oh, I'm too distracted to sit down and meditate, and and that might be exactly why you need to sit down and meditate. Right? Because you're too distracted. So recognising that we can make choices and take action even if we're not feeling the way that we wanna feel, often us feeling good about ourselves, feeling supported, feeling optimistic, trust that you can do things, you have agency around that, And that those feelings of, of hope, optimism, confidence, self worth will often be a result of the actions that you choose to take. So if you're in that situation, struggling to let go of someone who you know isn't good for you, just know that it's a very, very common one. But there are so many things that you can do. And starting with just letting go of that story and taking little baby steps towards self care, being really kind to yourself, and taking good care of yourself rather than just orbiting around them, fixating on them after a breakup.
[00:15:12]:
Recognise that that impulse is really normal, but you don't have to follow it. You can still take aligned action in the direction that you wanna go and that you know you should go. And as I said, if you want some extra support and more specific guidance with that, definitely check out my Hire Love course, which is 50% off at the moment. Okay. Gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:38]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
on attachment, relationships, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, letting go, relationship breakups, healing, overthinking, emotional experience, irrational feelings, personal growth, Higher Love course, self care, conflict in relationships, relationship advice, relationship coach, breakups, relationship dynamics, self worth, moving on, self trust, personal development, attachment styles, emotional attachment, breakup course, relationship guidance, relationship patterns, romantic relationships, emotional health, Stephanie Rigg.
#126 5 Hard (But Liberating) Truths About Break-Ups
In today's episode, we're talking all about break-ups. Break-ups are one of the most challenging and sometimes destabilising emotional experiences we can go through, and there is so much conflicting advice and information on how best to approach the ending of a relationship.
In this episode, I'm providing you with some hard (but hopefully liberating) truths about the break-up process, so that you can make the most of the opportunity that your break-up offers to deepen in your self-awareness and your relationship with yourself.
In today's episode, we're talking all about break-ups. Break-ups are one of the most challenging and sometimes destabilising emotional experiences we can go through, and there is so much conflicting advice and information on how best to approach the ending of a relationship.
In this episode, I'm providing you with some hard (but hopefully liberating) truths about the break-up process, so that you can make the most of the opportunity that your break-up offers to deepen in your self-awareness and your relationship with yourself.
5 Essential Truths About Moving on After a Breakup
Breakups are one of the most challenging emotional experiences we can go through. The pain, confusion, and disorientation that come with the end of a relationship can be deeply overwhelming. In this article, we will explore five hard but liberating truths about breakups to help you navigate the process of moving on and healing.
Breakups Aren’t a Competition
One of the most damaging mindsets to adopt after a breakup is to see it as a competition. The narrative of needing to emerge as the “winner” or prove something to your ex is pervasive in our culture, often perpetuated by social media and pop culture. It’s essential to understand that breakups are not about proving your worth in comparison to your ex. Feeling sad, lonely, or missing your ex is completely normal and doesn’t make you a loser. Instead of getting caught up in a futile competition, focus on nourishing and taking care of yourself. Embrace the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience.
Closure Is Within You
The need for closure after a breakup is natural, but it’s crucial to recognise that closure may not come from your ex. Seeking answers or explanations from someone who may not have the emotional capacity to provide them can be disempowering. Instead, it’s important to make peace with the unknown and accept the lack of closure as a part of the process. Reframe closure as a decision within yourself to accept things as they are, rather than depending on external sources for resolution.
Respect Their Space
After a breakup, it’s important to acknowledge that you no longer have the right to know what your ex is thinking, feeling, or doing. Unless there are specific circumstances, such as co-parenting, it’s essential to detach from the need for oversight. For those with anxious attachment patterns, the loss of control over this information can feel destabilising. However, redirecting your focus back to yourself and your needs can help in navigating the feeling of disorientation.
Seek Support Outside the Relationship
Continuing to provide emotional support to each other after a breakup can complicate the healing process. Diversifying your support systems away from your ex can help in unravelling the emotional ties. Seeking emotional support from someone other than your ex is crucial for moving on and processing the breakup. Providing emotional support to your ex can delay the process of acceptance and moving on and can be detrimental to both parties' healing.
Accept Their Future, But Focus on Yours
It’s natural to feel uncomfortable at the thought of your ex moving on and starting a new relationship. However, it’s important to recognise that they will move on, just as you will. Accepting this inevitability can help in finding peace and letting go. Comparing your own progress with your ex's can lead to self-judgment and unnecessary suffering. It's crucial to focus on your own healing and growth, understanding that everyone's journey is unique.
In conclusion, navigating a breakup can be challenging, but embracing these truths can help in the healing process. Understanding that breakups are not about winning or losing, making peace with the lack of closure, respecting each other's space, seeking support outside the relationship, and accepting the inevitability of their future can all contribute to a healthier post-breakup experience. Remember to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel and heal, and focus on your own journey of growth and resilience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How do you find yourself reacting to the idea that breakups are not a competition with winners and losers? Have you ever felt pressure to "win" the breakup or prove something to your ex?
2. Reflect on the concept of closure in breakups. How do you typically seek closure in your relationships? How does the idea that you may never get closure from a breakup make you feel?
3. How comfortable are you with the idea that you no longer have a right or entitlement to know what your ex is thinking, feeling, or doing after a breakup? Do you agree that accepting this reality can be liberating?
4. Consider the importance of seeking emotional support from sources other than your ex after a breakup. How does this resonate with you based on your past experiences with breakups?
5. How do you feel about the inevitability of both you and your ex moving on after a breakup? Does the idea of your ex moving on sooner or later affect your feelings about the breakup and the relationship?
6. In what ways have societal influences, such as social media and pop culture, shaped your perceptions of breakups and post-breakup behavior? How do these influences impact your emotional responses to a breakup?
7. Reflect on the concept of self-worth and ego in the context of breakups. How has the need to prove oneself or "win" after a breakup influenced your behaviors and emotions?
8. Consider the connection between attachment patterns and seeking information and control after a breakup. How do your attachment patterns influence your desire for oversight and information about your ex post-breakup?
9. How does the idea of providing emotional support to your ex, or receiving emotional support from your ex, after a breakup align with your own experiences? How do you navigate the challenge of setting boundaries in post-breakup interactions?
10. Reflect on the role of self-care and self-compassion in navigating the challenges of a breakup. In what ways do you prioritize your own well-being and healing during this difficult time?
Remember, the reflection process is a personal journey and it's okay to take the time to answer these questions at your own pace.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about breakups and specifically five hard but liberating truths about breakups. So breakups are one of those areas. It's sort of in the top three things that I get asked about, and understandably so, given that a breakup is obviously one of those potentially really cataclysmic events in our lives and in our relationships, and it can be really disorienting and it can really throw us off centre and make us question and doubt so many things, both within ourselves, within our perception, our experience, our relationships with others. And it can really rock our confidence and our sense of certainty about the future. So many things about a breakup can really throw us into a sense of disarray, and I think the grief of that experience is really profound and really important to honour. And I'm a big advocate of really leaning into the grief that a breakup will bring rather than trying to quickly rush through it or bypass it or numb it out or avoid it.
[00:01:39]:
But in today's episode, I'm hoping to give you some frank and pragmatic advice, always delivered with love and care. But I think that there can be so much noise on social media and in pop culture around breakups, and much of it is really unhelpful. And it's probably going to send you in a direction that will keep you stuck is probably the best way of putting it. And keeping you in a mindset that's maybe not mature, not adaptive, not really focused on your growth and your healing and you learning the lessons of your breakup. Because I do think that all breakups bring with them really powerful lessons about ourselves and are an opportunity to deepen in that relationship and to really clarify who we want to be and what's important to us and what our values are and maybe the mistakes that we made and how we can do better next time. So what we're going to be talking about today is all of that and more. But before I dive into that, I just wanted to let you know that if you are going through a breakup at the moment, or you have been through one recently and you're struggling with that, I have a free, guided meditation on finding closure and letting go, which you can download on my website, which we'll link in the show notes. It's a really beautiful meditation.
[00:02:57]:
I think about 5000 people or more have downloaded it over the past maybe 18 months. So it's really very popular and always gets great feedback. So if that's something that sounds helpful to you, definitely go and cheque it out and let me know what you think. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around five hard but liberating truths around breakups. So the first one that I want to offer you is that breakups are not a competition with a winner and a loser. So please stop seeing them that way and stop competing with your ex to try and come out on top or emerge as the victor of your breakup. This is so, again, I think, really deeply entrenched as a result of kind of basic content, to put it bluntly, on Instagram, TikTok in rom coms, this sense of needing to win, needing to get revenge, needing to prove your ex wrong by having some makeover and making them regret the relationship ending like they'll never know what they missed, that kind of thing. I really don't think that that is helpful at all because it keeps you in this mindset of needing to figure out where your worth sits relative to your ex, based on who is doing well, whatever that means, versus who's having a hard time.
[00:04:22]:
And I think what inevitably happens here is you end up feeling like you shouldn't feel sad or you shouldn't feel lonely, or you shouldn't miss them. That all of those feelings are in some way wrong and they turn you into a loser, they make you pathetic, they make you desperate, when really they're absolutely normal experiences to go through after a relationship ends. And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that they have come out on top and you are somehow left behind. I really think that that kind of mindset only contributes to us feeling broken or shaming ourselves after a breakup. And even if it's the other way around, even if you convince yourself that you are the winner, so to speak, that you are better than them, that it's their loss, that whole mindset is just really, I think, steeped in ego. And it's a sense of like, if I can convince myself that it's their loss and I never love them anyway and I'm going to go on a diet and get a makeover, and they'll regret the day that they ever thought that they could break up with me, that kind of mentality, I don't think that you are actually addressing what is going on for you. And I think that that is almost always coming from ego, which is cloaked over really low self worth. And I think that the person who is in touch with themselves, who is emotionally mature, who is really tending to their experience, doesn't go into that trap because they know that it's messier than that.
[00:06:00]:
It's more nuanced than that. It's not some binary thing, it's not a competition. So if you find yourself getting sucked into that kind of mindset of needing to win or needing to come out on top in some way, needing to prove something with your breakup, I'd really encourage you to try and let go of that and just redirect the attention back to you, not you relative to them, but just you, to really nourishing yourself, to taking good care of yourself, to yes, becoming the best version of yourself going forward and really learning the lessons of your breakup. Integrating all of that. Absolutely. But not with a view to making your ex regretful jealous, any of those things. It's not about them anymore, it's about you. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth about breakups is you may never get closure from them.
[00:06:53]:
Now, I've spoken about this many times before, and it is such a challenging place to be in. It's a real bind, because often when we are left needing closure or feeling this need for closure, when everything feels very unresolved, when perhaps we've been blindsided, we really didn't see something coming. Maybe someone's behaviour was very inconsistent. One week they were saying they loved us and they couldn't wait to spend their lives with us. And the next week they've totally had a change of heart and they have ended the relationship. Of course you want answers, of course you want an explanation, of course you want to make that make sense so that you can feel an internal sense of resolution. All of that is so normal, natural, human. And at the same time, I think we have to get really honest with ourselves and really realistic about a person's capacity to provide us with a cogent explanation.
[00:07:48]:
When clearly their behaviour indicates that they don't really know how they feel, what they want, when they don't have that internal sense of cohesiveness in their own emotions or thoughts or desires. And when we outsource our own sense of whether or not we can move on, when we place that power in someone else's hands, we're putting ourselves in a really vulnerable position and a really disempowered one because there's a good chance that the person who left you feeling that way so desperately in need of answers and in need of closure, who may not have had the emotional capacity to communicate clearly and respectfully and honestly and with a level of self awareness, it's unlikely that they're going to suddenly show up having developed that capacity after the breakup, when frankly, they no longer owe you that because you're not in a relationship anymore. And it's hard to force the hand of someone who doesn't want to show up in that way or doesn't have the capacity to show up in that way, particularly when you're no longer in a relationship. So getting really honest with yourself around that and really realistic, and I invite you to reframe closure as something that you get to decide that you make your peace with the not knowing, you make your peace with the way things ended in maybe a confusing way, maybe a way that doesn't make sense and that feels really inconsistent. And just recognising that your closure comes from your decision to accept things as they are, rather than from needing answers from someone that they may or may not ever be willing or able to provide you. As I said, that latter approach is really disempowering and will keep you stuck for a very long time. And frankly, I think sometimes we use this idea of closure. I just need to have one more conversation with them.
[00:09:40]:
I just need to see them one more time so that I can get closure. I think we have to be honest about the extent to which we're using that as a reason to keep holding on and hoping that if we can have that one conversation, then we can maybe change their mind, or we can persuade them, or we can coach them back off the ledge if their fear has arisen and has led them to end the relationship, any of those things, at least if we keep the line of communication open, then we might be able to influence them in the direction of what we want. But all of those things are, as I said, I think, keeping us stuck in limbo and in this place that prevents us from really moving on with our lives, try and release the need to wait for closure from them that may or may not ever come. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth about breakups is that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they are thinking, feeling or doing with their time. So this one probably has a few caveats to it. Obviously there are lots of different contexts and circumstances where you might still have intertwined lives for example, if you're living together or you have children and you're co parenting, things like that. But absent those sorts of circumstances, in just a regular breakup, I think something that particularly anxiously attached people can really struggle with is this idea of like, I no longer have oversight over them and I don't really have any right to know because information can feel like such a safety blanket for you if you're someone with anxious attachment patterns. And so the sudden severing of that line of information, of knowing how to reach them, what they're up to, where they're going, what they're doing, feeling like you have no control over that can feel extremely destabilising and can really send you spinning out.
[00:11:30]:
Because I think a lot of the time your energy is directed towards that sort of monitoring and feeling like you have everything under control and you kind of know what is going on. That's often a way that you create safety for yourself. Whether that's healthy or not is a different conversation, but nevertheless, I think that's really common. And so when a relationship ends and all of a sudden the rug sort of pulled up from underneath you in that respect, it can feel really disorienting. But as with all of these other things, it is just part of the process of a breakup, accepting that that's no longer kind of within your jurisdiction. Often I'll get messages and questions from people saying my ex is going on dates or talking to these people, what do I do? Or my ex won't answer the phone. My ex, how am I meant to know what they're feeling? And I think the simple answer, again, not easy, but simple, is there's nothing for you to do there. It's actually not for you anymore, it's not yours to do anything about.
[00:12:30]:
And of course that brings up its own stuff for you to process. But again, I think there's a theme in all of these truths that I'm sharing with you, is to reorient back to yourself and not yourself relative to them, but to try and consciously, repeatedly and it will be a practise rather than something that comes naturally, but to keep bringing your focus back to what do I need right now? How can I support myself? What am I feeling? Rather than the thing that most of us do, which is when we feel grief, sadness, discomfort, loneliness, fear, is we look outwards and try and find ways to control other people, control our environment, control our relationships, so that we don't have to feel those uncomfortable feelings. But a big part of your growth, whether you're in the context of a breakup or otherwise is learning to just be with those things within yourself and increasing your tolerance for that and your resilience. So, recognising that you don't have jurisdiction over your partner anymore, that you don't get to know necessarily what they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling, and that you can't force them to have another conversation with you, to answer your calls, to want to see you, all of that stuff, again, is not really within your right or entitlement once the relationship ends. Now, of course, again, if a relationship ends amicably and you're both open to that, that's totally fine. But that's not really the situation I'm speaking to there. And I suspect that if you're in that situation, you may not be struggling with the fallout of a breakup quite so much as others who are having a bit more of a severance of all contact in the relationship. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth is that it is very rarely a good idea for you to provide emotional support to one another as you process the breakup.
[00:14:22]:
Meaning, if you are supporting each other through that period and you are calling each other and crying and processing and really leaning on each other, when you're feeling grief, when you're feeling sadness, when you're feeling loss and loneliness and all of those things, if they're still your comfort person and your go to emotional support person, that's really going to muddy the waters in almost all cases. Now, of course, as with all of these things, there will be exceptions. But I think a lot of the time when we expect the person who we've just ended the relationship with to be our emotional crutch, it's going to be very, very hard for you to actually come to terms with the fact that the relationships ended. This is why things like no contact periods can be really helpful, is because we sort of need a period of separation and space in order that we can process the fact that we are no longer in a relationship with this person. Because even though you might know that consciously, cognitively, your deeper parts of you, your nervous system, your attachment system, all of that that's really accustomed to being connected to this person needs a chance to recalibrate and to recognise that that's no longer the case. And so diversifying your support systems away from one another is really important. It's really not healthy or adaptive, as I said, in most cases, for you to be leaning heavily on each other as the support while you're trying to unravel the relationship and disentangle yourselves emotionally from one another. I do think that that will ultimately make things more complicated because you're just kicking the can down the road, delaying the inevitable and in so doing, delaying the need to move on, which then means that you're putting the rest of your life on hold and your next chapter on hold.
[00:16:14]:
So I think, in most cases, really try and seek emotional support in processing the breakup from someone other than your ex. And don't put it upon yourself to be that person for them. Again, I get a lot of questions from people saying my ex is really depressed or they're really struggling after the breakup, and I feel so guilty. What do I do? Of course, it's not about being cold or callous, but ultimately, that's not your responsibility to manage their emotional experience post breakup. And it's in both of your best interests for them to find another resource, another person, another form of support that isn't you, because that's just the reality that that's not going to be you anymore, and they're not going to be that for you anymore, at least in the short term. So coming to terms with that, and really, as much as it might be uncomfortable or challenging, knowing that that's probably what's best for both of you. Okay. And the fifth and final one is that sooner or later, they will move on and so will you.
[00:17:11]:
So I think that the idea of our ex being with someone new, dating someone new, sleeping with someone new, loving someone else, can range from mildly uncomfortable or icky. We can just feel a bit, oh, I don't really want to think about that all the way to. I can't even bear the thought. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Totally intolerable. Right? I think there's a whole spectrum between those extremes. But either way, I do think that for most of us, there is some discomfort, at least around those thoughts. And yet it is inevitable, right? Unless you obviously get back together soon after breaking up, that if the relationship has really ended, then they will move on with their lives and you will move on with your life, too, even if that feels so far away right now and so out of reach, and you can't imagine being in that headspace or having any sort of interest or openness to being with someone else.
[00:18:05]:
That's part of life, and that's what's going to happen, and it doesn't have to mean anything. Right? I think so many people fall into the trap of, oh, my ex has moved on more quickly than I have. Does that mean they never cared about me, didn't love me. What's this new person got that I don't have? Again, going back into that mindset of comparison and competition that inevitably leaves us feeling worse. Just recognising that it will happen and that's okay. And that might feel like you're making progress and it's been a few months and then you find out that you're exit dating someone new and all of a sudden you experience this big whiplash and you're right back where you were, right in the depths of all of those post breakup feelings. Again, totally normal. So just preparing ourselves for that and managing our expectations rather than panicking, making that mean anything about us or about the relationship.
[00:18:58]:
Or they didn't really care about the relationship because they're now dating someone new, or they said that they didn't want to get married. And then two years later I find out that they are engaged to someone else. Why? What was wrong with me? All of that stuff, I think, just gets us into such a dark place and leaves us feeling so broken and unworthy and really judging ourselves. And I don't think that that is at all in any way healthy or supportive of what you really need. So again, just releasing the need to monitor them, to control them, to keep tabs on what they're doing or how their life is progressing and just coming to terms with the fact finding, acceptance for the fact that as you will move on, so too will they. And that might happen on a different timeline. And that's okay as well. It's not about you anymore.
[00:19:54]:
And so I think the sooner we can accept that, of course that will happen sooner or later, then the sooner we will find our peace with that and realise that it's not about us and it's not for us to focus on or obsess over. Okay, so that was five hard, but hopefully liberating truths about breakups. I hope that this has given you some comfort, some clarity, some redirection. If you're going through a breakup and you're feeling a bit like you're spinning around in the whirlpool of all of that complex, dense emotion, just knowing that it is really normal and natural to be feeling those things, you don't have to try and rush through it or get away from it or make it stop. I think the more that we can stay with those emotions and those experiences, as uncomfortable as they can be, the quicker we get through them. Ironically enough, it's in resisting them and trying to block them or make them go away, that we actually end up obsessing in the story of it and obsessing over what our ex is doing and obsessing over everything that happened and that actually protracts the whole experience. It prolongs the whole experience in a way that tends to exacerbate our suffering. So be really kind to yourself.
[00:21:13]:
As I said at the start, if you've gone through a breakup recently and you'd like an extra resource in your toolkit, definitely check out the free guided meditation on finding closure and letting go that will be linked in the show notes and also relatively easy to find on the freebies page of my website. Sending you so much love. Thank you for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:21:39]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, courage, self-reflection, intentions, fear, challenge, gratitude, personal growth, career change, coaching, therapy, psychology, values, alignment, change, transformation, self-discipline, agency, intentional living, new year, self-awareness, inspiration, self-respect, self-worth, agency, restorative, achievement, pride, satisfaction.