How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Relationships
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
Key points include:
Feelings of instability in relationships: Many with fearful avoidant attachment feel fine when single, but painful emotions surface in relationships, often leading to blaming their partner.
Impact of partner's attachment style: A hallmark of fearful avoidant attachment is the shift between anxious and avoidant behaviours, which can vary from one partner to the next depending on the attachment combinations.
Idealising vs. villainising partners: There’s a tendency to place partners on a pedestal at times, but then quickly villainise them when triggered or threatened.
Fear of intimacy vs. longing for connection: Fearful avoidants deeply crave closeness, but a core fear of rejection — often rooted in shame — makes true intimacy feel unsafe. Fear of betrayal and difficulties with trust are also common.
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Triggerhere✨
Understanding Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Navigating relationships can be a challenging journey, especially when attachment styles come into play. One of the most complex attachment styles is the fearful avoidant attachment. People with this style often find themselves yearning for intimacy but simultaneously feeling petrified by the prospect of it. This paradox of wanting closeness yet fearing it creates a series of intricate dynamics within relationships that can be difficult to manage for both partners involved. Let's delve deeper into how fearful avoidant attachment manifests in relationships and explore ways to navigate these challenges.
The Push-Pull Dynamic
Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment frequently experience a push-pull dynamic in their relationships. On one hand, they deeply crave connection and intimacy. They are often described as "hopeless romantics" who idealise relationships and partner prospects. The initial phase of a relationship can feel exhilarating as they may place their partner on a pedestal, believing this could be the person to save them from past relational pains.
However, as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate, a profound fear takes hold. Fearful avoidant individuals have an ingrained belief that those closest to them hold the power to inflict the most harm. This fear triggers protective mechanisms, causing them to pull away from their partner, sometimes abruptly. This shift from intense closeness to sudden distance can be bewildering for their partners, leading to a cycle of confusion and hurt.
Impact of Shame and Self-Loathing
A core aspect of fearful avoidant attachment is a deep-seated sense of shame and self-loathing. Many people with this attachment style feel inherently broken and unworthy of love. This belief fuels their protective behaviours, aiming to conceal these so-called "unlovable" parts of themselves.
Experiences of shame often intertwine with secrecy. Fearful avoidant individuals might hide parts of themselves or be less than honest in relationships. The thought of being truly seen and known is both a longing and a terror. Revealing their authentic selves is frightening, as they worry it will confirm their worst fears of rejection and inadequacy.
Relationship Triggers and Reactions
Fearful avoidant individuals respond differently depending on their partner's attachment style. For instance, if their partner displays dismissive avoidant behaviours—creating emotional distance or being noncommittal—it can trigger abandonment fears in the fearful avoidant person. This can lead to clingy, anxious behaviours and an overwhelming need for reassurance.
Conversely, if their partner has an anxious attachment style, seeking constant closeness and reassurance, the fearful avoidant individual may feel smothered. This suffocation triggers their fear of engulfment and loss of independence, prompting them to pull away, criticise their partner, or appear flaky and noncommittal.
Understanding these triggers can help fearful avoidant individuals and their partners navigate the complexities of their relational dynamics more mindfully, fostering empathy and patience.
Strategies for Creating Safety
While the challenges of fearful avoidant attachment can seem daunting, there is hope. Here are some strategies for creating more safety and stability in relationships:
Increase Self-Awareness: Recognising one's own patterns and triggers is a crucial first step. Understanding why you react a certain way allows you to address the root cause rather than just the symptoms.
Communicate Openly: Honest communication is vital in any relationship, but especially so for those with fearful avoidant tendencies. Sharing your fears and struggles with your partner can foster understanding and intimacy.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in working through attachment issues. A professional can offer guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore these deep-seated fears.
Establish Boundaries: Creating clear boundaries can help manage feelings of being overwhelmed. This might include setting aside time for personal space or defining limits on emotional sharing.
Practice Self-Compassion: Work on cultivating a kinder inner dialogue. Recognise that feeling scared or overwhelmed does not make you unworthy of love. Embracing self-compassion can gradually reduce feelings of shame and self-loathing.
Build Emotional Safety: Focus on building a relationship environment characterised by trust, consistency, and emotional support. Both partners should feel safe expressing themselves without fear of judgement or rejection.
A Journey Towards Healing
Understanding and addressing fearful avoidant attachment is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, both from the person experiencing it and their partner. Remember, the journey towards secure attachment and healthier relationships is made up of small, consistent steps. It's about creating a safe environment where openness, vulnerability, and trust can flourish, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.
While the path may be challenging, it is also profoundly rewarding. By addressing attachment fears and working towards vulnerability and connection, individuals can experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Healing from fearful avoidant attachment is possible, and with self-awareness, support, and dedication, one can build the foundations for a loving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself idolising your partner at the beginning of a relationship, only to later feel disillusioned? How do you think this impacts your emotional wellbeing and the stability of your relationships?
When you're not in a relationship, do you notice a significant difference in your emotional regulation and sense of control? How might being single allow you to feel more secure and grounded?
Reflect on a time when you abruptly pulled away from someone close to you. What fears or insecurities do you think were triggered in that moment that led to your withdrawal?
If you identify with fearful avoidant attachment, in what ways do you feel seen or unseen in your relationships? How does this perception shape your interactions and emotional responses?
Consider the role of shame in your relational patterns. Are there parts of yourself that you feel need to be hidden? How does this secrecy affect your ability to form deep, authentic connections?
Have you ever found yourself fluctuating between feeling intensely connected to a partner and feeling the urge to push them away? What triggers these shifts for you, and how do they influence your relationship dynamics?
How do you navigate feelings of defensiveness and criticism from your partner or yourself? What strategies might help you create a sense of safety and reduce reactivity in those moments?
Reflect on any patterns of blaming your partner for relationship issues. To what extent do you think these patterns might be rooted in your own fears and insecurities?
In relationships where you feel overly anxious or avoidant, what core fears do you think are being highlighted by your partner's behaviour? How might recognising these fears help you respond more constructively?
If you have a history of feeling "broken" or "defective," how does this belief impact your relationships? What steps can you take to challenge these beliefs and foster more secure and loving connections?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships. So whenever I talk about fearful avoidant attachment, I always get this resounding feedback of more. Please talk more about fearful avoidant attachment. And as I've said, I think that that's because there tends to be a bit less, by way of content, around fearful avoidant attachment relative to anxious attachment and even avoidant attachment.
[00:00:58]:
And I know that many folks who struggle with fearful avoidant attachment are what we might call seekers, people who really want to understand themselves better and so are really hungry for information that feels validating and illuminating as to, you know, why they struggle with the things that they struggle with. And so I'm hoping that in today's episode, it's going to be a little bit free form in the sense that I'm just going to be sharing tidbits of things that fearful avoidant attaches are likely to experience and struggle within their relationships, you know, how that attachment style shows up, some things that you might expect. And I'm hoping that this will be insightful both for people who identify with that attachment style and folks who might be in relationship with someone with that attachment style and those patterns, so that you can understand a little more what drives it. Maybe you can feel seen. I think that many folks with those attachment patterns can feel quite broken. And so I think anyone who has that tendency towards feeling broken, feeling like there's something wrong with them, it can be extremely validating and encouraging to realize that you're far from alone in your experience. And not only is there an explanation, but there is hope. It's not something that you are condemned to struggle with for the rest of your life.
[00:02:12]:
There are things that you can do to shift those patterns towards something that feels more sturdy, more stable, more secure, and can give you some relief from that inner turmoil. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of announcements. As I've shared a bit recently, I've got some exciting events coming up in Australia. A workshop in Sydney at the end of November, and a retreat in Byron Bay in May next year. I've also got some really exciting things in the pipeline, brand new things online, and I'm not quite ready to announce that yet. I know that sounds very cagey. It's mostly because I haven't finalized the details, and I don't want to log myself into anything prematurely.
[00:02:53]:
But if you're interested in, you know, any or all of those things, I really encourage you to jump on my email list. I send out a weekly ish newsletter. I'd love to be able to say every Thursday morning at 10 AM, it goes out like clockwork. Sadly, I am not that organized, but I send out a weekly ish newsletter that dives deep into the types of themes that I explore in my podcast. Sometimes it is a deep dive into a podcast episode, sort of in an extended blog post format. I have over 30,000 people who receive my email newsletters, and I always get really beautiful feedback. So if you're interested in receiving those newsletters just for the fun of it, jump on my email list and with the added bonus that that is where I always announce things first, opportunities to work with me and new programs, new offerings. My email list always gets first dibs on that.
[00:03:38]:
So if you're interested in any of those ways to work with me, for the in person stuff, you can go straight to my website and sign up. Or for the upcoming things that I haven't quite announced yet, jump on my email list and you'll be the first to hear. Okay. So let's dive into talking about fearful avoidant attachment and how it shows up in relationships. So I think it's helpful to say at the outset that for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, when they're not in a relationship, they feel pretty under control, relatively speaking. They might feel like they have a reasonable grip on their, you know, emotional regulation. Things like reactivity, which can really come out a lot in relationships, very easily triggered, might be less apparent when they're not in a relationship. For some people, it'll be, like, you know, night and day, like, they're totally fine when they're single, but once they get into a relationship, all of that stuff really rises to the surface very quickly.
[00:04:30]:
For some others, I would say those patterns of reactivity and being very easily triggered by other people, being very sensitive to perceived criticism and feeling very defensive, those things can bleed into other areas of life, so friendships or working relationships. But for the most part, I would say that people with fearful avoidant attachment will feel more under control when they're not in a relationship. And that makes sense when we think about the fact that for fearful avoidant folks, they have an imprint around relationships, that the people closest to me have the greatest capacity to hurt me. I really long for that connection and intimacy, but I'm so afraid of it when I get close to it, that all of my protective parts come out with guns blazing so fierce in their commitment to keeping me safe from all of the things that I associate with intimacy, which are a lot of fears. So it can be really disorienting and confusing for someone with fearful avoidant attachment, and for someone who's in relationship with someone with fearful avoidant attachment, that they can really seek out relationships. I think that there is this hopeless romantic part in many fearful avoid people. They do have, at least on the surface, a positive association with relationships, in that they are inclined to seeking them out. They want love, they want connection, and so they sort of move towards that and seek that.
[00:05:57]:
And I think initially there can be a tendency to pedestalize a partner, to really idolize them and to think like, this is it, right? This is the person I've been waiting for, and in this relationship, unlike all the others, everything's going to be great. All of my demons are going to sort of dissolve because this person's going to be the one. I'm not going to have to struggle in the ways that I've struggled previously. I'm going to it's almost like this is my salvation. And so there can be this tendency to really look up to someone that they're initially drawn to and attracted to and seeking out relationship with. And I think for the person on the other side of that equation, that can feel you know, really wonderful, as it does at the start of a relationship. I think we can all put a partner on a pedestal at the start of a relationship and kind of see them through rose colored glasses. But I think the fearful avoidant really does do this a lot, And I think they not only do they think the partner's amazing, but they do tend to have these stories, whether conscious or not, that this partner is going to kind of be their ticket out of all of that stuff that they've struggled with for so long.
[00:07:06]:
And this is where it gets really challenging because inevitably, there's a fall from grace there. Right? The higher you put someone on a pedestal, the further they have to fall. And so I think that as the relationship progresses, as things get closer, more intimate, the fearful avoidant will invariably be brought into contact with their wounds, their sensitivities, because intimacy is such a sore point, is such a challenge for them, that as much as they yearn for it and seek it out and long for it, when they get it, when they get close to it, it actually really terrifies them. And that can be as confusing for them as it is for the other person. Right? It's not like they've done this in a really cold and calculated way. I think that if you spend too much time in certain areas of the Internet that are talking about, like, love bombing and narcissism and all of that, it's not to say that that doesn't happen, but that's really not what's happening for someone with fearful avoidant attachment. It's not a manipulative strategy to try and hurt someone, and it is as confusing for them as it is for the other person. The fact that they can go from all in and really excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so smitten with the other person to really turning.
[00:08:25]:
And the turn can be quite pronounced. It can be really extreme. It's not just, you know, a a fade out. They can go from thinking someone is this, like, incredible, best person I've ever met, love of my life, to thinking that they are just the worst. Right? You are my worst enemy. You are, you know, total villain. And oftentimes they can't explain that in rational terms. But it's so persuasive and it's so real, this almost sense of hatred towards their partner that can kind of fall upon them so quickly that you can have one small rupture.
[00:09:04]:
And the fear and the rage and the heat that comes up in them directed towards their partner can feel so intense. And oftentimes, the only way they know how to deal with that is by pulling away, by pushing away, by getting as far away from their partner as they can. And I think that, I would argue deep down, most folks with fearful avoidant detachment know that the blame they place on a partner is probably not the full picture because deep down, and really this is another key piece here, at the heart of fearful avoidant detachment is a lot of shame, a lot of feeling broken, feeling like there is something really fundamentally wrong with me, and kind of almost self loathing a lot of the time. And so as much as their protective strategy is to push someone away, blame them, make them the bad guy, I think depending on the level of self awareness, I think on some level, many people would know that deep down they feel like they're the bad guy, and they're pushing someone away to both save the other person and save themselves from that. And I think you might even hear someone with fearful avoidant saying things like, you deserve better than me', or 'I just hurt people', I'm too fucked up to be in a relationship', those sorts of sentiments, and so they feel like they almost have to push someone away, both for their own self preservation, because as we said at the start, they feel so much more, kind of, level and grounded when they're not in a relationship. So for their own sake and the sake of this person that they do kind of put on a pedestal and they do feel undeserving of much of the time, it's almost like, I have to save you from me. But it doesn't come out that way. Often that will be cloaked in anger or blame or defensiveness or criticism.
[00:10:56]:
So all of that can feel really complicated, and it can feel messy and confusing and really painful for everyone involved. I think another key piece, and it sort of ties in with this, both the shame and that longing for intimacy, is that often fearful avoidance will pull away when they feel like someone is getting to see them. So again, it's this sense of, like, I so yearn to be known. I so yearn to be understood and loved and seen. And the idea of that actually happening, the reality of that, is so deeply frightening that as soon as anyone actually gets close to knowing me and seeing me, I'm inclined to consciously or subconsciously come up with some sort of reason to push them away. So I think because shame is such a big piece for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, often shame and secrecy go hand in hand. So there might be certain parts of themselves that they have been, you know, not fully upfront about. They haven't been honest with the people that they're in relationship with.
[00:12:09]:
And maybe they're really compartmentalizing or not being fully authentic, which I think makes sense when someone feels like there's something wrong with them or they're broken or there is something to be ashamed of. Often, secrecy and pretending and half truths are a strategy to conceal those parts of themselves that you, you know, have deemed to be unacceptable or unlovable. And so while there is this yearning to be known and seen and to have true intimacy with someone, I think that sounds really nice in theory, but in practice, that requires letting someone see parts of you that maybe you've never shown to anyone before. And when you believe at a really fundamental level that no one could ever love those parts because you can't love those parts or you feel you can't love those parts, the idea of someone else actually seeing those, you know, when it's crunch time, that's pretty terrifying. And most people, I would say, will default to a protective part, a protective strategy to stop that from actually having to happen. It takes a huge amount of capacity and self awareness and bravery and vulnerability to actually go there, and a huge amount of safety in the relational container. And so unless you've got that safety established, which arguably is a bit chicken and egg because I think that it's hard to have that level of safety when you haven't been vulnerable, when you haven't been honest and authentic. And so I think that often what will happen is the relationship lacks that level of emotional safety, lacks that level of containment and trust.
[00:13:47]:
And so when push comes to shove, the idea of actually being vulnerable, being honest, being forthcoming about those parts of you that you've kept secret or that you've hidden away, that can just be so confronting and so daunting that you feel as it's just not worth it. That it's too high risk because if they see that, they'll reject me and they'll confirm everything that I already deeply believe about myself, which is that no one could ever love that if they were to really see that. And so rather than taking that risk of showing yourself to someone, it feels like the safer thing to do is pull back at that point, to end the relationship, to make the other person the problem, to come up with some sort of reason why it's not a good fit. All of these can be kind of different branches of the same tree, which is wanting intimacy, but as soon as I get close to it, I've got to find an exit, because it just feels almost claustrophobic, the idea of being with your back up against the wall and actually having to face the reality of being seen and known by someone fully laid bare without all of those, you know, protectors standing in front of you and keeping that buffer or keeping that distance that has been a safety blanket for you for probably most of your life. So the last piece that I want to speak to and I do apologize. I realize this has been a very all over the place episode. I did I did warn you in the introduction that it was gonna be a little bit stream of consciousness. But one piece that I want to speak to is a question that I get a lot, which is how feeble avoidant attachment might manifest itself or express itself in relationship with different kinds of partners.
[00:15:34]:
So matched with someone who is dismissive avoidant, are you likely to be more anxious? Whereas with a more anxious partner, are you likely to be more avoidant? And the short answer is yes in most cases. I think when we take a step back and go, okay, attachment styles are basically describing the strategies that we use to create safety for ourselves in relationships. And they also describe what types of things cause us stress or fear in relationships. When we look at it that way and we consider that the fearful avoidant, they experience both anxiety and avoidance. They rank high on both of those metrics. And they also tend to experience the core wounds of both anxious and avoidant attachment. So they struggle with a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection. They also experience that fear of engulfment, that fear of loss of self.
[00:16:28]:
They're very protective of their independence. They don't want to feel like they're being smothered. They feel defective in relationships and they have a lot of shame around that. So they kind of have aspects of both anxious and avoidant detachment. Because of that, because they, you know, have core wounds from both ends of the spectrum, they have protective strategies to accompany those core wounds or that have grown out of those core wounds. So we can then see that someone with fearful avoidant attachment, if they're in relationship with someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns, it is more likely that that person with dismissive avoidant patterns who's, you know, leaning on their strategies of maybe creating distance, maybe being noncommittal, not being very clear in their feelings, maybe pushing away intimacy, that that is more likely to trigger the abandonment wounds and the fear of rejection in the fearful avoidant. And so it's more likely to enliven the strategies that grow out of that. So trying to get close, trying to get reassurance, you know, trying to get someone to like them, the more people pleasing parts.
[00:17:34]:
Contrast that with fearful avoidant in relationship with someone with more anxious attachment patterns, who might be more clingy and reassurance seeking and wanting to get closer and closer and closer. That's likely to trigger the intimacy fears of the fearful avoidant. The fears of being smothered, the fear of engulfment, the protectiveness around their independence, and as we just talked about, the shame and the sense of brokenness, that sense of I can't let you get too close because you'll see me and that terrifies me. And so in those circumstances, in that kind of dynamic, you're more likely to get avoidant strategies of pushing them away, of being non committal, of being flaky, of criticising a partner, finding things that are wrong with their partner as a way to create distance. So I think seen against that backdrop, this question that I get all the time from people as if it's a great mystery actually makes perfect sense. That if you have more fearful avoidant patterns and you carry all of those core wounds and fears, that depending on who's on the other side of the equation, you are more likely to animate or manifest different aspects of those strategies depending on what wound is really front and centre for you, what you're being most brought into contact with. So it actually, I think, makes a lot of sense when seen against that backdrop. Okay.
[00:18:53]:
So I'm going to leave it there. I hope that that was, you know, a helpful, albeit a little bit all over the place, dive into how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships, some of the things that are likely to present as challenges, what you might experience. As I said in the introduction, my intention with this is hopefully to allow you, if this is you, to feel validated, to feel understood, to know that there's perfectly good reasons for why you struggle with the things you struggle with, as is true for all of us. You know, our patterns really make perfect sense in the context of our past experience, and there are things that we can do. You're not inherently broken or defective. You're not just bad at relationships and doomed to struggle forever. It's just really about understanding, okay, what's going on for me here? What am I afraid of? And what could I do to create a little more safety for myself and in my relationships so that I feel able to step towards the edge of what is comfortable for me in a way that allows me to build that capacity and build the container and my ability to hold those things. So hopefully that's been insightful for you.
[00:20:02]:
As always, really grateful for those of you who leave feedback, leave reviews, and let me know if you want more of this kind of content. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:12]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
fearful avoidant attachment, relationships, attachment styles, insecure attachment, emotional regulation, reactivity, intimacy fears, shame, vulnerability, self-awareness, relationship patterns, defensive behaviour, emotional safety, attachment wounds, relationship challenges, core wounds, protective strategies, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of engulfment, fear of loss of self, longing for intimacy, emotional triggers, abandonement wounds, independence in relationships, criticism in relationships, people pleasing, feeling broken, hopeless romantic, dismissive avoidant,
Sex & Attachment: How Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
We’ll cover five key differences in how anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and approach sex.
Emphasis on Emotional vs Physical Intimacy
Anxiously attached individuals may place a stronger emphasis on emotional intimacy and connection as a foundation for physical intimacy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might prioritize physical intimacy while keeping emotional vulnerability at arm’s length.Overthinking vs Dissociating
When it comes to sex, those with an anxious attachment style may find themselves getting stuck in their heads, overthinking and ruminating on whether they’re pleasing their partner or what their partner might be thinking. Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might struggle to stay present during intimacy, often dissociating or emotionally checking out as a way to manage their discomfort with closeness.Focus on Other vs Focus on Self
Anxiously attached individuals often focus heavily on their partner’s needs and feelings during sex, sometimes to the detriment of their own experience. In contrast, avoidant individuals might approach sex with a more self-focused mindset, prioritising their own comfort and boundaries, which can create distance in the sexual connection.Libido / General Openness to Being Intimate
Anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a heightened desire for intimacy as a way to secure closeness and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals might experience a lower libido or be less open to intimacy, particularly if they feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.Impact of Relational Tension on Desire for Sex
Relational tension can have opposite effects on anxious and avoidant individuals. Those with anxious attachment may seek sex as a way to repair or soothe relational tension, while those with avoidant attachment might withdraw further, seeing sex as a source of pressure rather than connection.
How Anxious and Avoidant Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
Sex and attachment styles are deeply intertwined, often shaping the dynamics and quality of our intimate relationships. The ways in which individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and relate to sex can markedly differ, significantly influencing their sexual interactions and relationship satisfaction.
The Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Spiral
One common pattern observed in relationships is the anxious-avoidant sexual spiral. Initially, the relationship might be characterised by intense physical attraction and a vibrant sex life, which can feel satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. As the relationship progresses, however, the avoidant partner may begin to withdraw sexually, leaving the anxious partner feeling distressed and rejected.
This dynamic often leads to a cycle where the anxious partner increases their attempts to rekindle the sexual connection, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure, further pulling away. This can create a vicious cycle of pursuing and distancing, exacerbating feelings of insecurity and unfulfillment for both parties.
Physical vs Emotional Intimacy
For anxiously attached individuals, sex often represents the pinnacle of emotional and physical intimacy. It serves as a powerful reassurance of the relationship’s stability and their partner’s desire for them. Anxious individuals often seek out sex not just for physical pleasure but as a means of securing emotional closeness and validation.
In contrast, avoidant individuals tend to view sex primarily as a physical act. The idea of sex as an emotional, intimate experience can be foreign or even uncomfortable for them. As relationships deepen and emotional expectations increase, avoidant individuals may experience a decline in sexual desire, struggling to reconcile emotional intimacy with sexual attraction.
Nervous System Responses During Sex
The physiological responses during sex can also differ significantly between anxious and avoidant individuals. Anxiously attached individuals often experience an overactive sympathetic nervous system response, leading to overthinking and difficulty being present. They might worry about their performance, their partner’s satisfaction, or how they are perceived, which can detract from their ability to enjoy the moment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, may struggle with presence but in a different way. They are more likely to dissociate or numb out, appearing emotionally and physically distant during sex. This lack of engagement can be distressing for their anxious partners, exacerbating their insecurities and perpetuating the avoidance.
Focus on Partner vs Self
Anxiously attached individuals tend to prioritise their partner’s experience during sex, often to the detriment of their own needs and desires. They focus on ensuring their partner is satisfied, seeing their partner’s pleasure as validation of their worth and as reassurance of the relationship’s health.
Avoidantly attached individuals may be more self-focused, attending to their own pleasure and expecting their partner to communicate their needs directly. This approach can come across as indifferent or selfish, but it stems from a different relational dynamic where self-sufficiency and autonomy are prioritised.
Openness to Sex
The inclination towards physical intimacy also varies. Anxiously attached individuals are often more open and ready for sex, viewing it as a vital means of maintaining connection and assessing the relationship’s health. They are typically more willing to engage in sex, even if they are not immediately in the mood, because it reassures them of their partner’s interest and commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, may be less spontaneous and more likely to reject sudden advances. The need for emotional and relational harmony is paramount for them to feel sexually inclined. If the relationship feels strained, their libido might decrease significantly, as they struggle to bridge the gap between emotional discord and physical intimacy.
Relational Strain and Sexual Desire
Interestingly, relational tension can influence sexual desire differently for anxious and avoidant individuals. For the anxiously attached, relational strain might heighten their desire for sex as a way to reconnect and mend the perceived rift. They see sex as a balm for the relationship and a critical indicator of their partner’s commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might withdraw further when the relationship is under strain. The discomfort of emotional tension can dampen their sexual interest, as they find it challenging to engage intimately when they feel relational discord. They may see sex as a pressure-ridden obligation rather than a means to restore connection, thus pulling away even more.
Navigating These Dynamics
Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationships. Acknowledging the influence of attachment styles can help partners navigate differences with greater empathy and insight. Anxiously attached individuals might work on building self-validation and communicating needs without pressurising their partner, while avoidantly attached individuals could focus on enhancing emotional connection and openness to vulnerability.
By recognising that these patterns are common and addressing them with compassion and willingness to adapt, couples can create a more balanced and satisfying sexual relationship. Letting go of the notion that one must change oneself entirely, and instead appreciating the intricate dance of attachment styles, can pave the way for deeper intimacy and stronger relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you see your attachment style influencing your approach to sexual intimacy? Can you identify behaviours or thought patterns that reflect this?
In what ways do you use sexual intimacy as a barometer for your relationship's health? Does this create pressure or anxiety for you or your partner?
Consider your last intimate experience. Were you able to remain present and connected, or did you find yourself overthinking or dissociating? How might your attachment style have influenced this?
Reflect on a time you felt rejected or dismissed when initiating intimacy. How did this affect your feelings of self-worth? How might understanding attachment styles change your perception of this experience?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your own pleasure and desires during sex? Do you tend to prioritise your partner's experience over your own? How does this align with the characteristics of your attachment style?
Think about the role emotional intimacy plays in your sexual relationships. Do you see sex as an emotional connection or more as a physical act? How does this perspective influence your relational dynamics?
How does conflict or relational disharmony affect your interest in sex? Reflect on whether you become more anxiously engaged or avoidantly distant when things aren't perfect between you and your partner.
Is there a recurring pattern in your sexual dynamics that you believe might stem from an attachment-related wound or insecurity? How might you start addressing and healing this within yourself?
Are you open to discussing sexual issues and dynamics with your partner? How might an open and honest conversation about attachment styles improve your sexual relationship?
Reflect on the idea of "the anxious avoidant sexual spiral." Have you experienced this pattern in your relationships? How did it impact your connection and overall relationship satisfaction?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:31]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about sex and attachment, and specifically how anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to their experience of and how they relate to sexual intimacy. So this is a big topic. It's one that I have touched on before in the podcast, but not in recent history, and it's one that I do receive a lot of questions in DMs about people struggling with something to do with their sexual dynamic and wondering whether the attachment dynamics between them and their partner have anything to do with it. And as I always say, I think if attachment styles determine how we experience and relate to intimacy, then I think when you look at it in that way, of course that's going to affect how we relate to and experience sex, because sexual intimacy for a lot of us is pretty high up in terms of vulnerability and intimacy. And so, of course, if our attachment wounds are triggered by vulnerability and intimacy in our relationships, then of course sex is going to bring us into contact with those things in maybe a really accentuated way. And so, as we're going to talk about today, a lot of the dynamics and strategies that we'll see in other aspects of relationships are very much front and center, and if anything, can be even more pronounced and acute when it comes to the sexual relationship. And I think that can be really exacerbated.
[00:02:00]:
The distress that we feel and the sense of shame and brokenness can be exacerbated by the fact that there is so much shame around sex to begin with, and we don't talk about it very much. So I think in my experience, when people are struggling sexually, there tends to be much more of an inclination to cover it up, not talk about it, avoid it, and then assume that you're the only one experiencing it because you haven't heard about it anywhere else, or it's not really visible to you in other people's relationships. And I'll just say at the outset, being in the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories and being on the receiving end of people's questions and worries, I can assure you that you're far from alone if you can relate to what we're going to be talking about today. So that's what we're going to be covering. I'm going to be sharing 4 key ways in which anxious and avoidant leaning people differ in their experience of sex and how they think about sex in relationships and more broadly. And as I said, I'm hoping that that will normalize these things to the extent that you're experiencing them, and also point you in the right direction in terms of what you might need to work on, where your behavior is originating from within you, what may be wounded parts or insecurities, what subconscious drivers are perpetuating those patterns and how you might be able to shift it towards something healthier and more fulfilling. Now before we dive into today's episode, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment. Doors will be closing in a few days' time for this round and I'm not sure when the next round will be.
[00:03:35]:
Possibly at the end of the year, possibly early next year. But I would love to have you inside the program. We have a whole module on Secure Sexuality for anxiously attached people, how you can not only understand these dynamics and your part in them, but how you can cultivate a really secure sexuality within yourself, 1st and foremost, as a way to be more present and confident and really enjoy sex rather than using it as validation or a way to temperature check the relationship, which, as we'll get to, is very common among anxiously attached people. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, I would love to have you head to my website or click the link in the show notes to join me and hundreds of others in this very special program. It's going to be a great round. I'm so excited for it. We've got a strong community component this time with a live online community and 4 live calls with me, which is more than ever before. So if you are feeling the pull, now is the time.
[00:04:39]:
Make sure you sign up in the next couple of days before registration closes because we won't be accepting anyone after the deadline. Okay. So let's talk sex and attachment. I have something that I term the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which sounds like a very dramatic name, and it can be quite dramatic in practice. But it's essentially the anxious avoidant trap, that pursue withdraw dynamic as applied to sex. And I've done episodes about this before, but very briefly to recap, what we'll often see in a relationship is that there's a strong sexual emphasis to the connection at the beginning. Lots of physical attraction, maybe you're having really intense sex, really chemistry fueled, and it's super exciting. And that feels great for both people.
[00:05:28]:
Right? It feels great for the anxious partner because they tend to really prioritize and find sex to be a really important barometer for the overall connection. But also, the anxious person loves feeling wanted, and so when they feel wanted at the start of the relationship, that feels really incredible. The avoidant partner just really enjoys that intimacy and feeling like they can express themselves in that way that is really intoxicating for them and can lead them to feel really attracted when they're able to have this strong, intense sexual connection with someone. That can really fuel a lot of their interest in the early stages of a relationship. But what tends to happen is that as things become more serious, so maybe when you go from casually seeing each other to exclusively seeing each other, or maybe when you go from exclusively seeing each other to moving in together, you know, depending on the timing, it's going to be different for everyone. But as you tend to progress towards more of a steady, comfortable relationship with more expectation, more reciprocity, more of an emotional connection alongside the physical, the avoidant partner tends to start to pull away sexually. They tend to feel less attracted, less interested in sex, and inevitably, that causes the anxious person to fire up, to freak out, panic, wonder what they've done wrong, and escalate in their attempts to restore the sexual connection to what it was, in part to alleviate their own fears that they've done something wrong or their partner's lost attraction because they're not good at sex or they don't like the way I look or they found someone else, all of these sorts of things. And inevitably then, as the anxious person starts to ramp up their efforts, the avoidant person feels pressured and overwhelmed, and whether they realize it or not, that pressure is a real buzzkill in terms of their interest in sex, because avoidant people tend not to like feeling pressured to do anything, and certainly not to feel a certain way, and so they become more avoidant with respect to sex.
[00:07:38]:
And on and on that cycle goes, and that can cause a lot of distress and disconnection on both sides, and leaving people feeling, is there something wrong with the relationship? That we don't have the same effortless sexual connection that we enjoyed to begin with. So that's what I call the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which is essentially just the pursuer distance or dynamic as applied to sex. Now, picking apart some aspects of that and diving a little deeper, I want to share these 5 key ways in which anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to sex. And the first one is around physical versus emotional intimacy. Now I think that it would be fair to say that anxiously attached people struggle with being vulnerable around sex as much as avoidant people do. But even still, anxious people seek out sex both for the emotional connection and the physical intimacy. So there is this sense that sex is maybe the culmination of closeness with someone. And so for anxious partners, that's something that they seek out.
[00:08:41]:
And oftentimes, there's no upper limit on how often or how much sexual intimacy an anxious partner would like because it feels like there's really clear reinforcement of the bond. And so if I feel best when I'm connected to you, when am I more connected than when we're having sex or we've just had sex? Right? That feels like kind of the apotheosis of connection. And so for someone who's anxiously attached, it feels very reassuring if there's a very vibrant sexual relationship, because they think, my partner's not going to leave me if they really enjoy having sex with me and we're having a lot of sex. Right? That's a really surefire way for an anxious person to feel, you know, close, connected, reassured. And so for anxiously attached people, that tends to be a very high ranking priority kind of relationship need is for the sexual relationship to be there. And the flip side of that is that if there's something wrong with the sexual relationship, so to speak, if there's a sudden change in frequency or tone to the sexual relationship, then the anxious partner is gonna take that as meaning something about the relationship as a whole. They really do tend to use sex as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. On the other hand, the avoidant partner tends to be much more focused on the physical component of sex.
[00:10:03]:
And that's not to say they don't enjoy sex, but the idea of sex being this romantic, intimate, emotional experience is probably not only foreign to an avoidant partner, but also maybe quite uncomfortable. And we can see that in the way that an avoidant partner tends to distance when emotions, when intimacy and vulnerability get brought into the relational sphere as a relationship progresses, or maybe as the relationship becomes more comfortable, moves away from that initial sense of novelty and excitement and adventure and newness that comes with a relationship at the beginning as it settles into something a bit more predictable and safe. For a lot of avoidant people, they don't know how to reconcile that level of familiarity with sexual arousal, desire, attraction, which they do tend to experience as a mostly physical act rather than one that is heightened by emotional connection and in turn deepens the emotional connection. So that's a really key distinction between anxious and avoidant people, in how they process this idea of emotional and physical intimacy. Okay. So the next key difference between anxious and avoidant people insofar as sex is concerned is what your nervous system tends to do during sex. So for anxiously attached people, you'll typically experience your whole body and system going into overdrive during sex, like a kind of overactive, mobilised sympathetic nervous system stress response. So this will typically show up as really overthinking, so struggling to just be present and embodied.
[00:11:47]:
Because you're so stuck in your head, you may be thinking, what are they thinking? Are they enjoying themselves? How do I look right now? All of these sorts of insecurities. Am I doing this right? All of that is likely to be, like, very active in your mind, in that kind of problem solving, obsessing mode that will be familiar to so many anxious people, you know, outside of the bedroom. But you'll likely see that kind of experience very much front and center for you when it comes to sex. So in that same overthinking, very, very active mentally, and unable to switch your mind off so that you can actually just relax and enjoy. On the flip side of that, avoidant people also really struggle with being present and embodied, but they tend to go the other way. And this really mirrors your respective stress responses anyway. So you've probably heard me talk about conflict. Same thing, right? Anxious people dial up, and they go into a very mobilized stress response, whereas avoidant people tend to numb out or dissociate, and you'll see that sexually as well for a lot of avoidant people.
[00:12:54]:
They struggle with presence, but because they're kind of numb, they might feel blank, not very present, not very engaged. It might feel if you're partnered with someone who is more avoidant that they're not really in the room, that it feels like they're just totally vacant. And of course, that can impede your ability to connect and really enjoy, and these things tend to reinforce each other. So if you're more anxious and you see your partner who's got their eyes closed or is is just not really present, you can feel that they're energetically not really present, then that's going to send your insecurities really spiraling, wondering if they're having a good time, wondering if you're doing something wrong, and that takes you out of presence even more so, so we can see how those responses bounce off each other insofar as sex is concerned. Okay. The next difference between anxious and avoidant people is that, again, this kind of mirrors what we see outside of sex, which is that anxiously attached people will almost always focus to extreme degrees on their partner's experience during sex. So they're only concerned with their partner enjoying it. So they're very focused on giving pleasure to their partner and ensuring that everything is to their partner's preferences.
[00:14:10]:
Don't worry about me, whatever works for you, so long as you come out of this experience having had a good time and feeling positively about it, that's all I need. Right? And you can hear aspects of the broader relational dynamic in that. Don't worry about my needs, so long as your needs are taken care of, so long as you're happy with me, then I'm happy. Right? So it tends to show up for a lot of anxious people in sex, whereas for avoidant people, they tend to be more focused on themselves. So they're focused on their experience. They may be less likely to go out of their way to take care of their partner unless they're specifically asked to, and they have this sense of, we'll just do the thing, and I'll take care of me, and I'll ask for what I want, and it's up to you to ask for what you want. I'm not going to go out of my way to, you know, accommodate you or cater this to your preferences unless you specifically ask me to. And while that might sound people might hear that and go, oh, wow.
[00:15:05]:
Avoiding people are so selfish. I think it's just important to recognize that both of those ways of of approaching sex are, as always, at opposite ends of the spectrum. Right? And what we really want is to be able to both focus on the other person and ourselves, to be able to advocate for our own pleasure, and our own preferences and our own experience, while also obviously taking the other person into account, and obviously wanting them to be enjoying themselves and their experience to be catered to as much as ours. So, as always, we want to walk off the ledges at our opposite extremes and find our way into a healthy middle. Okay. The next key difference between anxious and avoidant people when it comes to sex is openness to having sex. So anxiously attached people will pretty much now of course, this is a huge generalization, but pretty much always be open to physical intimacy. Of course, within the parameters of life constraints, but it's very rare that an anxiously attached person is going to just be completely closed off to the idea of sex, because there tends to be a general readiness for connection in the system of the anxiously attached person.
[00:16:17]:
So if their partner initiates some sort of physical intimacy, the anxiously attached person is probably going to be quite receptive to that. Whereas for avoidant people, they don't have that same simmer a lot of the time. They tend to be in their own world and it can be quite jarring for them to suddenly switch gears. So if you're the anxious partner and you initiate some sort of physical intimacy or sex with your partner in quite an abrupt way, they might really push that away and go, I'm not in the mood, or not now, or something else that feels quite dismissing and rejecting, just because they struggle to switch gears quickly, and they feel like that's a lot of pressure, and I'm not perfectly ready and in the mood, and so I'm not really open to it at all. And that's quite different to, you'll know this if you're more anxious, that you could probably be convinced or persuaded to get in the mood even if you're not immediately there, because the idea of connection and physical intimacy, sex with your partner is such a a positive one. It's something that you really value very highly, and so it's rare that you'll go to pass up the opportunity, particularly if sex is something that feels strange in your relationship. All the more so that you're likely to want to be intimate with your partner because you feel like it's such an important thing. And that sort of leads me into the last one, which is anxiously attached people, the more strange the relationship has been, the more you're probably going to want to focus on sex, or the more interested you're going to be in sex, because you do see it as almost this panacea that alleviates a lot of your fears and insecurities about the state of the relationship.
[00:18:02]:
So if you're fighting a lot or things have felt disconnected or there's been other stuff going on between you that hasn't felt great, For you as an anxiously attached person, if you have sex, it's likely to feel like, oh, okay. Well, at least we had sex. Right? That's a good sign. That means that things aren't too dire. They still love me. I feel reassured about the state of our relationship because we've had sex. For the avoidant partner, it's likely to go the other way. So if there's been some sort of relational disharmony, if you felt disconnected, they're likely to pull away more, and be less interested in sex rather than more.
[00:18:43]:
Because I think for a lot of avoidant people, again, whether they realize it or not, they can have this programming of, everything has to be perfect in order for me to want to have sex. And if things haven't been great between us, I might just feel generally not particularly interested in being around you or being close to you, because I have some negative associations around that at the moment. And so if I'm distancing more broadly, I'm certainly going to be distancing with respect to sex, particularly when I know that for you it carries this emotional overlay that I'm not comfortable with, so I just tend to become more avoidant with respect to sex altogether when things are feeling a little fraught or tense between us. So those were 5 key differences in how anxious and avoidant people relate to sex. I hope that that's been interesting for you. I know that this is a topic that, as I said, a lot of people really struggle with and and maybe isn't talked about enough, and I think that it's so important that we do talk about it and understand it so that we don't internalise whatever we're struggling with and think that there's something just fundamentally wrong with us as individuals or the relationship, because these really are very common dynamics. And as I said, there are things that can be done. It's not something that you're stuck with forever, but it just requires some awareness as a first step, and then obviously a willingness to be vulnerable and to take risks, because vulnerability is risky, and particularly when it comes to sex, it can feel all the more so.
[00:20:19]:
So being willing to talk about it, being willing to interrupt our own default patterns to the extent that they might be making things worse rather than better, and questioning those stories that we might carry around our worth being tied to whether someone wants us. I know that's a big one for anxious attaches and can make, you know, any of these dynamics feel so much more painful and can really cause us a lot of suffering because we think that we are not good enough, and we need to change ourselves in order for our partners to want us. And as I've laid out today, there's a lot more going on than that, and oftentimes it's about another person's insecurities and their stuff rather than something that you've done or not done, or something about you that you need to change in order to change the situation. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if this has resonated for you and you'd like support with this and all of the other stuff when it comes to anxious attachment, I would love to see you inside Healing Anxious Attachment. You've got a few more days to join. I'd love to see you there. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, sex, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, sexual intimacy, relationship coach, vulnerability, intimacy, attachment styles, emotional connection, physical intimacy, nervous system response, sexual experience, relationship health, relationship dynamics, insecure attachment, relationship struggles, sexual dynamic, partner connection, avoidant partner, anxious partner, relational disharmony, sexual relationship, attachment wounds, healing anxious attachment, Secure Sexuality, anxious avoidant sexual spiral, pursue withdraw dynamic, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity.
20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style (Part 2)
This episode is part two of a two-part series on 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. I'm going to be running through some of the less obvious expressions of the anxious attachment style, as well as the underlying drivers of these patterns.
If a recent episode of “On Attachment” left you nodding along and feeling seen, you're not alone. As we continue to explore the intricate web of anxious attachment traits, it’s clear that understanding our relational patterns and dynamics isn't a one-size-fits-all pursuit. Join us as we delve deeper into traits 11 to 20, providing insights and guidance to shine a light on our attachment styles and embark on a journey towards healthier, thriving relationships.
Trait 11: The Breakup Conundrum
For those with anxious attachment patterns, navigating breakups and endings can be an excruciating process. While recognising when a relationship needs to end, the emotional entanglement and the process of disengaging from a loved one can be especially distressing. If you find yourself ruminating and struggling with the emotional fallout of a breakup for an extended period, you're not alone. Recognising and navigating the impact of endings is an essential part of healing anxious attachment.
Trait 12: Relationship Strain Overload
When something goes awry in a relationship, it can feel all-consuming for individuals with anxious attachment tendencies. Unlike their avoidant counterparts who can compartmentalise emotions, the anxious partner may find it challenging to see beyond the perceived relationship problems. This trait sheds light on the need for balance and understanding within the relationship dynamic—a journey towards finding a middle ground where emotions and space coexist harmoniously.
Trait 13: The Struggle with Receiving Support
The yearning for support and reciprocity, coupled with a struggle to receive it, often characterises individuals with anxious attachment patterns. Recognising the vulnerability of receiving support and understanding that it's not a sign of weakness can be a crucial step in fostering healthier relationships. Finding that balance between giving and receiving, without feeling unworthy or being overwhelmed, is key to nurturing a fulfilling partnership.
Trait 14: Infatuation at Lightning Speed
The tendency to become infatuated and attached to new people swiftly within early dating stages is a common trait for those with anxious attachment styles. These patterns can also manifest as experiencing crushes while already in a relationship. Understanding and navigating the impulse to create intense emotional connections quickly is essential for fostering stable and balanced relationships.
Trait 15: Privacy vs. Secrecy Dilemma
Distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy is a regular challenge for individuals with anxious attachment patterns. Fear of the unknown and a tendency to feel threatened by a partner's privacy can lead to difficulties in creating and respecting personal boundaries. Recognising and addressing this fear is essential for establishing trust and promoting emotional stability within the relationship.
Trait 16: Hyperattunement to Partner's Moods
Being hyperattuned to subtle shifts in a partner's mood or energy can be both a blessing and a curse. While this heightened sensitivity nurtures empathy and emotional connection, it can also lead to catastrophic interpretations and spiralling distress. Learning to differentiate between accurate perception and catastrophic meaning-making is essential for maintaining emotional equilibrium within the relationship.
Trait 17: Fear of Abandonment
A pervasive fear of a partner leaving for someone ‘better’ is a common struggle for those with anxious attachment patterns. The intersection of jealousy, low self-worth, and comparison often fuels this fear. Addressing and untangling these emotions is a vital step toward fostering greater inner security and trust within relationships.
Trait 18: The Need for Constant Togetherness
Individuals with anxious attachment patterns often struggle with their partners' time devoted to other relationships or personal pursuits. Recognising the value of personal space and understanding that healthy relationships can coexist with individual pursuits is crucial for promoting emotional autonomy and trust within a partnership.
Trait 19: Adverse Attraction to Unhealthy Patterns
A subconscious attraction to inconsistent and unavailable partners is a common struggle for those with anxious attachment styles. Embracing stability and security within relationships may initially feel unexciting, yet recognising and recalibrating these attraction patterns is a crucial step in fostering sustainable and fulfilling partnerships.
Trait 20: The Quest for Love Through Self-Change
The tendency to believe that changing oneself will elicit more love from a partner is a hallmark trait among those with anxious attachment patterns. Understanding that true love and connection should stem from authenticity and mutual acceptance is a pivotal step in breaking free from codependent dynamics and fostering relationships based on genuine connection and trust.
As we unpack these traits, it's essential to remember that the journey towards understanding and navigating attachment styles is deeply personal and often non-linear. While these traits shed light on common patterns, the healing and growth process is unique for each individual. Recognising these traits is the first step toward fostering self-awareness, understanding relational dynamics, and embarking on a journey towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
The intricate tapestry of anxious attachment patterns offers an opportunity for introspection, growth, and transformation—a journey that, when navigated with compassion and self-awareness, leads to profound personal and relational healing.
Join us as we continue to explore the nuanced landscape of attachment, relationships, and self-discovery, opening doors to a deeper understanding of ourselves and the connections we foster.
Remember, understanding and navigating attachment styles is a continual process—one that lays the foundation for authentic, thriving, and emotionally fulfilling relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself experiencing difficulty with breakups or other endings in your relationships? How has this impacted your healing process, and what strategies have you used to navigate these challenges?
In what ways do you see yourself being consumed by perceived problems in your relationships? How does this affect your ability to see the positives during difficult times?
Reflect on your experiences with receiving support. Do you struggle to accept support from others? What emotions or reactions come up for you when someone offers you support, and what do you think might be driving these reactions?
Have you ever found yourself becoming infatuated with new people very quickly? How has this tendency impacted your approach to dating or maintaining a relationship? Reflect on any instances where this has led to challenges in your relationships.
Consider your feelings towards privacy and secrecy in relationships. Do you struggle to distinguish between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy? How has this impacted your past relationships or your current relationship dynamics?
In what ways are you hyperattuned to subtle changes in your partner's mood or energy? How do you manage the different interpretations you make based on these observations, and how does this affect your relationship dynamics?
Have you ever caught yourself fearing that your partner might leave you for someone better? How does this fear manifest in your thoughts or actions, and what strategies have you used to address these anxieties in your relationships?
Reflect on any experiences where you felt rejected if your partner devoted time to other relationships or areas of life. How did you navigate these feelings, and what insights did you gain from those experiences?
Do you find yourself being drawn to partners who exhibit inconsistency and unavailability? How has this preference impacted your past relationships, and what steps could you take to recalibrate your approach to attraction and stability in relationships?
Consider the belief that changing yourself will make your partner love you more. Have you ever felt this way in a relationship? How has this belief influenced your behavior, and what steps can you take to cultivate healthier perceptions of love and self-worth?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Today's episode is part 2 of the episode that I released a couple of days ago, which was titled 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. So I'm running through some less obvious, I would say, traits of the anxious attachment style, hopefully going a little deeper than your average listicle. What I will say before I dive in is that this is not an exhaustive list, and it's also, not sequential. You don't have to have listened to the previous episode as a prerequisite to being able to make sense of this episode, But if you're interested, you can absolutely go back and listen to the other one as well to give you the fuller picture. So just before I dive into traits 11 to 20 of the 20 traits that I'm gonna run through, I just wanted to remind you that healing anxious attachment, my signature program, opens up in a few days' time. If you're on the wait list, amazing.
[00:01:26]:
I think there are about 1300 of you at the moment, which is just so cool. But if you're not on the wait list and you'd like to be, which just gives you first access, early bird pricing, and exclusive bonuses, which for the first time ever, the exclusive bonuses are gonna include all 4 of my other master classes. So building trust, sex and attachment, how to navigate anxious avoidant relationships, and better boundaries are all included as a bonus master class bundle with the early bird price of healing anxious attachment. So really, really good value. If you are interested, just pop yourself on the wait list so that you have the option. You can do that via my website or the link in the show notes. Hopefully, that's all pretty straightforward. Okay.
[00:02:11]:
So trait number 11, continuing on from the first ten that we covered in the previous episode a couple of days ago, is you have a really, really hard time with breakups and other endings. So I've spoken about this on the podcast many times. There's an episode from a while back titled 5 Reasons That Anxiously Attached People Struggle With Breakups, so you can obviously do a deep dive into that if you're interested. But for anxiously attached people, for all of the reasons that we've talked about, because the relationship is such a source of safety, a breakup tends to be very, very destabilizing and disorienting, and that's true no matter how much you might know that a relationship needs to end, no matter how dysfunctional or unhealthy, no matter how unhappy you were, going through that process of emotional disentanglement from someone that you love and that you are attached to is particularly excruciating, when you have anxious attachment patterns. So breakups are likely to really throw you, and your recovery time, if we want to call it that, is likely to be longer than someone with more avoidant patterns or even someone with more of a secure attachment. You're likely to really be in that process for a decent amount of time, and you're doing a lot of ruminating and thinking and, you know, wondering whether it was the right thing and wanting to reach out to your ex and still feeling very attached to them. So that's very normal if you're someone with an anxious attachment style. I'll just quickly say I I also had in this one you have a hard time with other endings as well, because I think it's kind of a not really as front and center as something like breakups, but you might also struggle, like, letting go of a job, like, walking away from something, or you might just have a level of emotionality or sentimentality around goodbyes and separation.
[00:04:08]:
Again, going back to that thing of separation anxiety or, you know, just having a lot of emotion around parting ways, so that could extend beyond, you know, just breakups. Number 12 is you can't help but be consumed by the perceived problems in your relationship. So for anxiously attached people, when something's wrong with the relationship, it really does feel all consuming, and it's likely all that you can think and talk about. So this is by contrast with if you have, for example, a more avoidant leaning partner, they're probably quite adept at compartmentalizing. So you could have a big fight, and then they could kind of switch gears and go off to work and have a totally normal day, and not have that be, you know, weighing down on them. I used to have this dynamic in a previous relationship where, you know, my ex partner was quite avoidant, and we'd be in the middle of an argument, and he would just say, I don't have time for this right now. I need to go like, I need to work. I need to do something.
[00:05:12]:
And it was always so challenging for me because I was so in the thick of it and so in my emotions that it was unfathomable to me that you could focus on anything else at a time like that. But for him, he was able to just switch it off, and, you know, if anything, I think I interpreted that at the time as, you know, him not caring, but it really is just a a different blueprint. But it can be very hard to relate to as someone with more anxious patterns that, you know, your partner could just kind of put things in separate boxes and function quite effectively even when things are not good in the relationship. It's likely that you don't have that same capacity to, you know, segment yourself internally. So it's likely that, you know, if the relationship is, you know, feeling really strained, that that's taking up most of your field of vision and most of your bandwidth, and and that's going to be really all consuming. The other aspect of that is that you probably struggle to see the good, at those times, in those, you know, seasons where the relationship know, the negativity of whatever is bothering you about the relationship. Know, the negativity of whatever is bothering you about the relationship. Okay.
[00:06:26]:
Number 13 is you yearn for support but struggle with receiving it. Now we sort of touched on this when talking about the overgiving and self sacrifice in the previous episode, but it's sort of a funny thing. Right? You can often resent being the giver, and you might complain about imbalances in the relationship. You might complain about that lack of reciprocity of, you know, I'm always the one doing this. You know, I am always giving more. I am always thinking about you. I'm always in the caring role, and you never do that for me. And there is this yearning for support, but you do tend to struggle to receive that support if you're more anxiously attached, and you cannot really know what to do with it if suddenly someone showed up and was really ready and willing to support you and asked, you know, how can I support you? You might find yourself a little frozen, not really knowing what to do because you're so unaccustomed to being in that seat of receiving.
[00:07:25]:
So I think there's some work to do for most of us around recognizing the vulnerability of receiving, because it is, for for a lot of us, much more vulnerable to be, you know, to kind of have the spotlight on us and have, you know, us be cared for and have our needs being really recognized and paid attention to, if you're not used to that, then that can feel really edgy in and of itself. So, there's there's definitely some work there around, you know, feeling worthy of the support that you crave and really allowing yourself to take that in. Okay. Number 14 is you become infatuated and attach to new people very quickly. So in early dating, you find yourself going from 0 to a100 at lightning speed, quickly becoming attached to someone before you really know them, which can also apply to crushes while in a relationship. Now I've touched on, you know, jealousy elsewhere, and, you know, there will be a couple of points in, you know, this episode where I'm touching on those dynamics, and I actually think that part of the anxiously attached person's struggle with jealousy stems from their own tendency to become infatuated and attached and develop crushes very quickly. So if you can, you know, see someone at the coffee shop or the gym and suddenly create this whole fantasy in your mind about, you know, being totally obsessed with them, and, you know, you can't stop thinking about them, and you start planning your, you know, days around whether you might run into them or whatever, it can be easy to project and assume that your partner's doing the same thing, and so feel very insecure and jealous around what they're doing and who they're seeing. So I think that this tendency that people with strong anxious attachment patterns have to really, you know, latch on and and become, you know, kind of in that fantasy world of imagining, you know, a whole life with someone or becoming very consumed by this idea of a connection that doesn't really exist, that is certainly an anxious attachment thing, whether it's, you know, in a relationship or outside of 1 in in a dating context.
[00:09:39]:
Yeah. You're definitely not alone if you've experienced that. Okay. Number 15 is you struggle with trust and feel threatened by your partner's privacy. So I've done an episode before on, you know, the difference between privacy and secrecy, and for anxiously attached people, it feel like there is no difference between privacy and secrecy, that, you know, if you are doing something and protecting your privacy, then that is tantamount to keeping secrets, and keeping secrets feels very dangerous. So, you know, anxiously attached people love certainty, and that element of the unknown that is involved in trusting someone can feel very, very risky and very, very vulnerable. So distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy, it's almost like that. You know, if you've got nothing to hide, then why do you need privacy kind of mentality can be common among anxious people, and, you know, as you can imagine or maybe you've experienced, when that comes head to head with a more avoidant partner who very much values their privacy, and sees that as very important to their overall sense of self and autonomy, we can really easily clash there because the anxious person can become very suspicious of the avoidant person's attachment to privacy.
[00:10:58]:
And so, yeah, there's there's some work to do there around figuring out, like, what is a healthy boundary, because the the anxious partner's unlikely to have a baseline respect for privacy or understanding of why privacy is, like, valid or reasonable or important, because it is just likely to be seen as so threatening for them. Okay. Number 16, you are hyperattuned to subtle changes in your partner's mood or energy. So this is both a blessing and a curse. Right? This level of, you know, emotional being really emotionally tapped in, being able to really read the room and feel the energy and, you know, sense if there's a shift in someone's state, that's not a bad thing. Right? There's there's a level of, like, empathy and skill in that that allows you to really connect with people and allows people to feel really seen. The trouble is for anxiously attached people, we can kind of get carried away with the interpretation of what we are then perceiving. So you might notice there's a shift, and that might be accurate, that there has been a shift in the energy or the mood, but then the meaning making tends to be catastrophic.
[00:12:14]:
Right? So it's, okay, like, my partner's gone a bit quiet. That might just be because they're tired. It's quite innocuous, but for the anxiously attached person, it's likely to be, there's something wrong. They're angry at me. They're upset. Something's happened. And so it's that interpretation, that meaning making step where anxiously attached people tend to lead themselves astray and go into those spirals and then, you know, become quite distressed by it and feel the need to probe or problem solve or fix, you know, pester their partner, what's wrong? No. Tell me what's wrong.
[00:12:49]:
I can tell there's something wrong, that sort of pattern. So it's important to to recognize that within yourself and try and find some boundaries around, not taking those interpretations to the extreme, when you don't really have, not only the evidence to support it, but when it doesn't really need to be a problem that you have to solve urgently, even though that's how it can feel. Okay. Number 17, you fear your partner leaving you for someone better. So, you know, this is interwoven with so many of the other themes that we've talked about, jealousy, low self worth, comparison, fear of abandonment, you know, this general sense of the relationship is always on a knife's edge, and there's always these looming, lurking threats, and so I need to, you know, be protecting against that. And one of the obvious threats is outsiders. So, you know, whether that's I think I touched on, you know, like colleagues or exes or friends or just other people, really, this sense of they're gonna leave me, and it's gonna be for someone better, and I need to then, like, try and, you know, make myself better so that that doesn't happen, or, you know, try and dampen down parts of myself that I consider to be flaws or unacceptable or unlovable so that my partner doesn't leave me for someone else who doesn't have those same things. So, that's very much a lingering fear for anxiously attached people is that given the chance, their partner will leave them for someone else or someone better, so to speak.
[00:14:27]:
Okay. Number 18 is you feel rejected if your partner devotes time to other relationships or areas of life. Anxiously attached people will very happily devote the vast majority of their time and energy to their partner in their relationship. That is a very comfortable default position, and often, you know, you'll be quite happy to turn down other invitations so as to prioritize time spent with your partner, or even just to make yourself available on the off chance that your partner wants to spend time with you or someone that you're dating even. So there can be this, you know, like, difficulty understanding why your partner wouldn't wanna do the same. Why wouldn't they wanna spend every waking moment with you? If you loved me, that's what you would want. Right? So because of that, it's easy for people with anxious patterns to feel hurt or rejected if their partner wants to do things separately. So if they wanna catch up with friends and they just wanna have that time with their friends and not with you, whereas your preference might be either to spend time with them or spend time with other people and have them there as well.
[00:15:31]:
There might just not be a scenario in which you would prefer separation over togetherness, whereas, you know, for, I would say, certainly avoidant partners but also secure partners, they might have a very legitimate desire to actually just spend time, you know, in different areas of their life or, you know, devoting time to hobbies or coworkers or something, that doesn't involve you and having a level of space around that. And that can feel like in a bit of an affront, or, again, it's almost like the the privacy thing. It can feel suspicious to someone with more anxious patterns. So, recognizing that that can be a perfectly normal and healthy thing for partners to want, and it's not something that you need to necessarily take personally and make a lot of meaning out of. Okay. Number 19 is you find healthy, consistent, and available would be partners boring. So I talked before on the show about this subconscious drive towards people who are really good at at lighting up all of those triggers, all of those, you know, old pathways within you around working really hard for someone's attention or you're finding that inconsistency to be quite exhilarating and addictive even though it's causing you a lot of stress. For a lot of anxiously in touch people, you know, I hear this so much is, like, the the healthy people, people who are available, who are interested in me, who show that interest, you know, in a sustained way, It doesn't do anything for me.
[00:17:09]:
It doesn't light me up. I don't feel excited to talk to them or go on dates with them, It just you know, I'm only attracted to the people who don't give me that, who, you know, leave me guessing or make me work for it. And so I think that that is you know, it's a big part of just having, you know, programming around what love looks and feels like, and when we've developed a lot of strategies around all of those things, working really hard, needing to prove ourselves, needing to prove our worth, when that's what we're accustomed to, then that's kind of what we feel most comfortable with when we're in that familiar zone. So there can be a certain recalibration that needs to happen, for you to, you know, know how to be in relationship with someone who doesn't take you on that rollercoaster ride and still, you know, learn to get a lot out of that and to appreciate the stability and appreciate the security, and the sense of peace and calm that comes with that rather than being addicted to the chaos of, you know, unavailability and inconsistency. Okay. And last but not least, you believe that changing yourself will make your partner love you more. So this is very much kind of at the heart of, you know, codependency. Not that codependency and anxious attachment are the same thing, but I think in the Venn diagram, there'd be a good degree of overlap, between anxiously attached people and people who find themselves in codependent patterns in their relationship.
[00:18:46]:
So this sense of whatever problems I perceive as existing in the relationship or in my partner, whatever behaviors of theirs I see as being an issue or I wanna change, there's a part of me that thinks that if I can change myself, then that will change them and the way they are towards me. So, you know, really just assigning so much responsibility to ourselves to make everything better, and, you know, if I change the way I look or the way that I dress or the way I act or, you know, the things I say or don't say, then all of these things that I want will become available, then they'll show up for me, then they'll be loving towards me, then, you know, they won't lie to me anymore or whatever the things might be. Right? Obviously, there's a huge spectrum of of how that could play out, and, you know, some are obviously on more extreme ends of the spectrum in terms of really unhealthy dysfunctional dynamics. But this sense of, like, if I can just train myself, then that will change you or that will change our relationship for the better, And, obviously, that can lead you down a rabbit hole of endless, you know, shape shifting, people pleasing, performing, striving, trying to earn love, and trying to change yourself to elicit some sort of outcome, with the obvious consequence that you end up really not knowing who you are, and not having a clear sense of that and and having pretty, you know, decimated self worth as a result. So, you know, all in the hopes that that's gonna make you feel worthy and deserving of love. And, you know, spoiler alert, oftentimes, most of the time, I would say that doesn't work, and then you feel unworthy and undeserving of love because despite your best efforts, despite having tried so hard, it still didn't work, and so that can actually reinforce all of those feelings that drove you to those behaviors in the first place. So that can be a really, really painful dynamic, and, you know, it's one that I've certainly played into in the past and very glad to say, you know, mostly it doesn't doesn't really come up for me anymore, but, you know, if that's something that you relate to, know that it's really, really, unfortunately, common among folks with anxious attachment and is a big part of why building self worth and, you know, a stronger connection to yourself is such a big part of that healing journey. Okay.
[00:21:25]:
That was part 2. That was 11 to 20 on the 20 traits list. I really hope that that was helpful for you. I hope that that's, you know, giving you some more insight into yourself, and your patterns and what drives them and that, you know, big web or tapestry that is anxious attachment because it is so much more than, you know, just listing out a couple of headline traits. We can see how all of those, you know, tendrils or branches, they all kind of connect in this big, you know, web of you know, it does really start to make sense when we can say, ah, yeah, that makes sense in the context of that, and, you know, that fear or that insecurity and that drives this behavior. You know, I think that having that context for ourselves really allows us to not only access more compassion, but, you know, more understanding and allows us to, in turn, be more proactive about, okay, like, I I don't have to feel overwhelmed by this in a really frozen abstract way of just, you know, there's something wrong with me, and I'm broken, and I'm bad at relationships, and I always do this, when we start to be able to fill in the blanks a little and and kind of flesh it out, give some color to that, I think that allows us to feel much more empowered to start making shifts in the right direction. So, as I said, I really hope that that's been helpful, and if these points resonated with you, if you're, you know, nodding along and and feeling very seen, then, as I said, I would love to see you inside healing anxious attachment when doors open in a few days' time. And do make sure to jump on the wait list if you wanna access that exclusive pricing and bonuses.
[00:23:03]:
So thanks, guys, so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:23:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie_ _rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, anxious attachment style, traits, insecurity, breakups, emotional disentanglement, avoidant patterns, secure attachment, healing program, trust, intimacy, boundaries, self-worth, privacy, jealousy, hyperattuned, fear of abandonment, codependency, self-compassion, self-discovery, self-improvement, self-love, compassion, communication, emotional intelligence, love, support, self-care
20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style (Part 1)
Today's episode is part one of a two-part series on 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. I'm going to be running through some of the less obvious expressions of the anxious attachment style, as well as the underlying drivers of these patterns.
Navigating Anxious Attachment: Understanding the 20 Traits (Part 1)
If someone asked you to list your most defining traits or characteristics, would you immediately think of how they relate to your relationships? Many of us might be surprised by how much our attachment style shapes the way we experience the world around us. In the latest episode of "On Attachment," we took a deep dive into the anxious attachment style and explored its 20 key traits.
Tethering Our Sense of Worth to Relationships
One of the key traits of the anxious attachment style is the tendency to tether our sense of worth and well-being to the status of our relationships. If things feel off in our relationships, it can feel like our whole world is crumbling. Our identity becomes closely intertwined with the state of our connections, making it hard to separate how we feel about ourselves from how we feel about our relationships.
Struggles with Separation Anxiety and Catastrophising
Anxious attachment often leads to struggles with separation anxiety. Even a moment of physical distance or being unable to reach our partners through communication can trigger overwhelming anxiety. A missed phone call might instantly lead to worst-case scenarios, causing significant distress.
Difficulty Believing in Our Own Value
Low self-worth is another common trait of anxious attachment. We often struggle to believe that our partners truly love and value us, especially when we don't see that value within ourselves. This lack of self-worth can give rise to deep-seated fears of abandonment and can significantly impact our relationships.
Comparison and Jealousy
Those with anxious attachment often find themselves easily threatened by others and comparing themselves to others. This jealousy and constant comparison are rooted in a deep-seated fear of not being enough, and this can lead to obsessively comparing ourselves to others and feeling threatened by potential "rivals."
Struggles with Needs and Boundaries
Boundaries and needs can become muddied for those with anxious attachment. Understanding our own needs and setting boundaries can be challenging, and even when we manage to voice them, the fear of being perceived as too much or unworthy of having needs can hold us back. Maintaining these boundaries can be equally difficult, often leading to self-judgment and shame when we struggle to uphold them.
The Struggle to Leave Unfulfilling Relationships
For those with anxious attachment, the idea of walking away from a relationship, even if it isn't working, can feel foreign. Overstaying in relationships that aren't meeting our needs becomes a common trend, as the fear of separation and the desire to fix the relationship from within dominate our decision-making.
The "Savior Complex" and Emotional Fixing
Many individuals with anxious attachment tend to be drawn to partners who need "fixing." This savior complex often stems from a desire to prove our worth by helping others, but it can also lead to imbalanced dynamics in relationships and prevent us from seeing partners as equals rather than projects.
Struggling to Define Our Identity Outside of Relationships
Finally, those with anxious attachment may struggle to define their identities outside of their relationships. Our entire sense of self can become entwined with our relational roles, making the concept of being outside a relationship daunting and unfamiliar.
The Need for Reassurance and Difficulty Believing It
Seeking regular reassurance from our partners is a common trait, but even when reassured, many of us struggle to believe it. This constant craving for external validation and difficulty internalising reassurance can put a strain on relationships and make it harder for us to manage our insecurities.
Relationships and the way we form and maintain connections with others are integral to our overall well-being and sense of self. These traits of anxious attachment, while challenging, can provide valuable insights into our inner workings and offer meaningful opportunities for growth and healing. In Part 2 of this series, we'll explore the remaining 10 traits of anxious attachment and delve deeper into how we can navigate these traits to build healthier, more secure relationships.
Understanding and recognising these traits is an important first step in the journey towards creating a more secure attachment style and building fulfilling, thriving relationships. Keep an eye out for part 2, where we'll continue this exploration and delve into the remaining traits of anxious attachment.
If you’ve resonated with some or all of these traits and are seeking support and guidance on your journey towards a more secure attachment style, consider exploring resources like Healing Anxious Attachment. Recognising where we are and where we want to be is the first step towards creating more fulfilling, nurturing relationships – both with others and with ourselves.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find that your sense of worth and well-being is often tied to the status of your relationships? How does this impact your overall well-being and identity?
Reflect on times when separation anxiety has affected your relationships. How has this affected your behavior and thoughts, and what strategies have you used to manage this anxiety?
Have you struggled with believing that your partner truly loves and values you? How has this impacted your relationship dynamic and your own self-worth?
Discuss your experiences with feeling threatened by others and comparing yourself to them. How have these tendencies impacted your relationships and your self-esteem?
Share instances when you've found it challenging to identify and assert your own needs and boundaries in a relationship. How has this impacted your well-being and the dynamics of the relationship?
Have you ever found yourself staying in a relationship despite it not working? What fears or insecurities were driving this decision, and how did it impact your overall happiness?
Reflect on times when you've felt drawn to people who seemed to need "fixing." How do you think this reflects your own sense of self-worth and the role you play in relationships?
Do you feel you have a clear sense of your identity outside of a relationship? How has the lack of this sense impacted your overall happiness and well-being?
Think about your tendencies to overgive and self-sacrifice in relationships. How does this impact your own well-being and the dynamics of your relationships?
How do you feel about seeking reassurance from your partner? How do your expectations around reassurance impact your self-reliance and the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 20 traits of the anxious attachment style. Now, this is almost a throwback because one of the first ever episodes I did almost 2 years ago was 5 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. And I haven't really done anything so foundational about anxious attachment since then. Obviously, there's been a lot of other episodes about, you various aspects of the anxious attachment experience. But I thought to revisit this for anyone who is a new listener or anyone who is wondering whether anxious attachment is really them, or maybe, you know, that anxious attachment is very much your experience, but you're interested to know some of the less obvious expressions of that attachment style and pattern. So 20 traits of the anxious attachment style is, what we're gonna be talking about today.
[00:01:20]:
I've actually decided to split this across 2 episodes because I think I'll ramble on for far too long if I'm trying to cover 20 in one episode. So this is part 1 of 20 traits of the anxious attachment style, and part 2 will follow in a couple of days' time. So before we dive into today's episode, a quick reminder that Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature program, is relaunching in less than a week's time for the 7th round, which is pretty amazing. I first launched it 2 years ago, almost to the day, actually. And it has really grown into something greater than what I could ever have imagined, since that first launch. Over 1500 students have been through this program, and it really is not only tried and tested, but received such beautiful feedback and it's something that I've poured, you know, so much of myself into, trying to distill down everything that I've learned and everything that I have been teaching to people around anxious attachment and the journey to becoming more secure within yourself and within your relationship. So it's a very comprehensive program. I would love to see you in there.
[00:02:28]:
It's the last round that I'm going to be running before I head off on maternity leave. So if you are interested in joining when doors open next week, you can jump on the wait list. Being on the wait list means that you get exclusive access to early bird pricing and also exclusive bonuses. So it's definitely worth doing, even if you don't end up joining. Give yourself the option if you're at all interested, and you can do that via the link in the show notes. Okay. So let's dive into these first 10 of 20 traits of the anxious attachment style. Now I should say, these are, you know, I sat down to prepare for this to write this out and it's very much off the top of my head.
[00:03:08]:
So this is not an exhaustive list. It's not a textbook list. These are things that I'm pulling from not only my own experience, but obviously having worked with so many thousands of people on this and hearing so many other people's stories, I know that these traits that I'm about to share are almost universal among those with anxious attachment patterns. So, you know, in no particular order am I sharing these. It's not exhaustive. If If you don't relate to every single one, that doesn't mean anything much. I'm really just sharing these for the purposes of cultivating insight and self awareness. Okay.
[00:03:43]:
So the first one is your sense of worth and well-being is tethered to the status of your relationship. So for anxiously attached people, there can be this sense of, my identity, my sense of being okay or not in the world is directly reflective of what how I'm feeling about my relationship or what's going on there. So if things feel okay with us, then I feel okay. If things feel anything other than okay with us, I'm probably gonna be, you know, a mess. I'm gonna be really consumed by whatever I perceive to be the problems in my relationship. So there is this sense of, like, inextricable link between how I feel about life, about myself, and how I'm feeling about you and our relationship. And it can be very, very hard to separate those things because the relationship is so fundamental, so essential to our not only our identity, but our sense of safety. So that first one, your sense of worth and well-being is tethered to the status of your relationship.
[00:04:43]:
And I should say as a little footnote to that, it often means that, you know, you're particularly vulnerable or susceptible to disturbance, when things aren't perfect in your relationship. So, you know, whereas even secure people obviously are affected by what's going on in their relationship. It's not a purely anxious attachment trait to be, you know, bothered or saddened by things not feeling great in your relationship. For anxiously attached people, it's kind of any and every bump in the road feels disproportionately distressing, and it's very hard to compartmentalize or delineate between different areas of life. You know, if the relationship's bad, everything's bad. Okay. The next one is you struggle with separation anxiety and you catastrophise if you can't reach your partner. So physical proximity and connection tends to be very reassuring for anxiously attached people.
[00:05:36]:
There can be this sense of, you know, if you're right here and next to me, I can see you and I can feel you, then I know that everything's okay. But as soon as I lose that, you know, having you next to me and knowing, that that little bit of uncertainty, that little bit of distance, that little bit of unknown, all of my anxiety fills that space. And I can go very quickly into feeling insecure, and particularly so if I can't reach you. So it might be one thing if, you know, your partner goes to the shops or, you know, goes to work or whatever and you know where they are. That might be okay. That might not be so triggering for you. But if you then call them and they don't answer, and then maybe you call a second time and they don't answer, it's likely that you're gonna go very quickly to a worst case scenario of either they're hiding something from me, they're avoiding me, or something terrible has happened to them. So we can recognize that separation anxiety is a big piece for anxious attachment, and that particularly in circumstances where you are unable to reach them or you feel like you can't reach them, that's likely to very quickly activate you, send you into dysregulation, and, you know, a lot of kind of anxious thoughts and feelings and and behaviors are likely to flow from that place.
[00:06:55]:
Okay. The next one is you struggle to believe that your partner really loves and values you. So this is really sad, really, when we think about it. But anxiously attached people do tend to harbor fairly low self worth. And so I can really struggle to feel an intrinsic sense of value, a sense that, you know, I I believe that my partner loves me. I believe that my partner cares about me. I believe that they see my value. When we don't see that for ourselves, it's very hard to believe that our partner sees that in us.
[00:07:26]:
And, you know, that's why such a big piece of the healing work for anxious attachment is building up our sense of self worth so that we don't put our partners on a pedestal and put ourselves, you know, down very low relative to them, because that tends to, I think, both be fueled by the fear of abandonment, but also, in turn, add fuel to that fire. Because we think that we are, you know, lacking in value or worth, then we are much more likely to fear abandonment, because we don't see why our partner would want to be with us. And that can lead to a whole host of other behaviors, thoughts, insecurities, as you can imagine, when we don't really trust that our partner wants to be with us and and really does value us and the relationship. Okay. Number 4 is kind of related to number 3, which is you feel easily threatened by others and compare yourself to others. So here we're talking about jealousy, outside threats to the relationship, and comparison, really, really common among people with anxious attachment. And again, it's related to that same seed of low self worth, this sense of, if I don't really see my value, then I'm very easily threatened by any and every one or thing outside of the relationship that I perceive as potentially taking you away from me or competing with me in some way. So there can be an almost obsessive tendency to compare ourselves, to scrutinize, to be on the lookout for danger, so to speak.
[00:08:59]:
You know, that might be colleagues or exes or friends of your partner. You see them all as very threatening, and you, you know, go through comparisons of how you stack up relative to them. And that might feel like something that you have to do, or you might have to, you know, change yourself, improve yourself, relative to them, try and emulate them so that you feel less threatened by them. You feel like they're less likely to know, pose a threat to the relationship, to take your partner away from you, that your partner's gonna, you know, fall in love with them and leave you. So we can see those same, you know, threads of fear of abandonment and jealousy and low self worth, are all interwoven into that one as well. Okay. The next one is you have a hard time with needs and boundaries. So anxiously attached people tend to struggle with needs and boundaries almost at every step of the way.
[00:09:53]:
So knowing what their needs and boundaries are, so actually identifying that. Oftentimes, we're so divorced from our own needs, our own boundaries. We just have learned to not really have needs or boundaries, or, you know, have kind of numbed ourselves to those because we're so accustomed to, you know, going with other people's needs or boundaries, deferring to other people's needs and boundaries and comfort and happiness, that we've actually convinced ourselves that we don't have any needs or boundaries outside of our partners, for example. You know, if they're happy, I'm happy. As long as their needs are taken care of and everything seems fine, then that's all I need. Of course, that's not true, but it can feel really true, and it can mean that we have a hard time actually knowing what our needs are separate from the needs of our partner. So there's this process of, you know, figuring out what our needs and boundaries are. What am I comfortable with? What do I need? What's important to me in a relationship? The next one next step being kind of voicing those needs and boundaries to a partner, which can be really intimidating.
[00:10:58]:
Again, that fear of abandonment, fear of being too much, fear of I'm not worthy or deserving of having needs. And I'm worried that if I take up too much space or if I voice a need, then I'll be perceived as difficult, and someone will leave me. All of those things can really challenge us when it comes to actually taking that step of voicing our needs and boundaries. And then I think the third piece here is following through on advocating for those needs and boundaries, on an ongoing basis or in the face of pushback. So one of the things that I hear from people all the time is that they judge themselves very harshly, and they feel a lot of shame about not upholding their boundaries. So they might, you know, state a boundary or they might voice something, advocate for themselves. But when it comes down to it, if that that need or that boundary is in competition with their relationship or their connection, then the connection will win out and they'll kind of collapse on their boundary just to hold on to the relationship. And, you know, that process of actually holding firm on something that you say is really vitally important to you in a relationship, is, you know, a big part of the growth as well and can be very challenging for many, most, I would say, anxiously attached people.
[00:12:16]:
Okay. The next one is you have a tendency to overstay in relationships that aren't working. Now I will put my hand up and say that I have been guilty of this more than once in my life. But it is a really, really common experience with anxious attachment. Again, because the primacy of connection is so, you know, it's so paramount to you to your sense of identity, safety, you know, just feeling okay in the world, it can be such a foreign concept to walk away from a relationship, even a relationship that's, like, clearly dysfunctional, not working, where you're not happy or your needs are not being met. You know, I often sort of jokingly say that for anxiously attached people, you could spend, like, you know, months or even years telling your partner how unhappy you are. But the idea of actually leaving seems, you know, like the absolute last resort. For anxiously attached people, the urge is you know, I I complain about the relationship.
[00:13:18]:
I I lament all of the things that are missing, but I do that because I wanna change it from the inside rather than walking away. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think that willingness to work on a relationship can be a really beautiful sign of commitment, But I think it has its shadow side, which is, you know, perhaps overstaying when the right thing to do might be to walk away, when we're really not getting anywhere, when we really are not happy or fulfilled. And I think overstaying when the writing's on the wall, because we're too afraid of stepping out into the void of being separate from that relationship, I think that can be one of the big struggles of people with anxious attachment. The next one, which is number 7, for anyone who's keeping count, you have a savior complex and are drawn to people who need fixing. So many anxiously attached people have, I would say, yeah, a heightened sense of emotional attunement and are really good at, you know, being empathically connected to others and really understanding people's pain, which is such a beautiful trait. It really is. I think it's what makes anxiously attached people, great friends and great partners.
[00:14:38]:
It's probably what makes me good at my job. Being able to see people and understand them and and really tune into their feelings. The the underbelly of this, we might say the shadow side, can show up as this savior complex, this sense of, because I feel like that's a way I can show value or be valuable, you know, to support you emotionally, to see your pain, to hold your pain, that I gravitate towards people who I see as needing, saving, helping, or fixing. So can often find yourself dating someone with, you know, a lot of unresolved issues or who, you know, has a lot of pain. And again, that's not to say that, you know, you shouldn't date people like that. And I think we all have our, our stuff, our baggage that we're all working through. But I do think we need to be mindful of the extent to which we are taking someone on as a project and we are making it our mission to change them and you know, how that might be tied up with our own sense of worth this sense of, you know, they'll change for me. They've been this way in the past.
[00:15:54]:
They've always struggled with this thing, but once I, you know, am able to show them my love and care for them and support them, that's gonna be the thing that, you know, triggers their metamorphosis into something else. And I think that that can be coming from a place within us of low self worth, again, common thread, and of feeling like, you you know, if I can do that, then I will have really proved myself. And like, then I'll know that I'm valuable, that I'm worthy, and this person won't leave me because they'll be so indebted to me, for having saved them. So, you know, as I said, while there's some beautiful things in there and, you know, wanting to support someone's growth, beautiful. Wanting to support someone's healing, great. Taking it upon yourself to be someone's, like, coach or therapist or saviour? Not so great and can get us stuck in some pretty imbalanced dynamics. So the savior complex is one to look out for. Okay.
[00:16:56]:
Number 8 is you don't really know who you are outside of a relationship. So, again, we've touched on this, this sense of my whole identity is handed over to the relationship, everything that I do, everything that I like or dislike, my preferences, my hobbies, the way that I spend my time, I kind of give over all of myself to the relationship. And so the idea of being outside of a relationship, being single, or the relationship ending, is very daunting to me because I've not got a clear sense of who I am if I'm not, you know, part of this unit. And so I think a really big part of the growth for anxiously attached people for that reason is actually diversifying their time and energy away from the relationship, not to an extreme degree. Obviously, it's perfectly fine and normal to wanna, do things with your partner and have shared experiences. But when we put all of our eggs in that basket, we tend to, again, have a bit of an imbalance and it makes us really vulnerable to, you know, what our first point was, which is if anything feels like it's off in the relationship, then our whole life feels like it's crumbling because our whole life sits in that bucket of the relationship. Whereas if we've got, you know, more things propping up our life, more like legs propping up the table, then it's likely to be less vulnerable and wobbly, and we're likely to have more of a sense of resilience. Okay.
[00:18:24]:
Number 9 is you tend towards overgiving and excessive self sacrifice. So most anxiously attached people are givers. Right? And as much as we can complain, I think this is one of the ones where we have to be, like, so brutally honest with ourselves about ourselves, and I'll be the first to put my hand up. We can complain that, like, oh, I'm always the one giving or thinking about you or caring for you or supporting you. And yet we're not very good at asking for support or receiving it when it is given to us. Because I think receiving is actually a very, very vulnerable thing to do, particularly when you are accustomed to being the giver. So there can be this sense of giving and giving and giving either to make ourselves, you know, again, more valuable, more indispensable to someone. If I take care of you, if I attend to all of your needs, you know, if I do everything for you, then you won't want to live without me because I make your life so much easier.
[00:19:22]:
And if you don't want to live without me, then I'm not going to lose you. So there can be some comfort derived from that dynamic, even when we might complain about that dynamic and, you know, the lack of reciprocity that exists there. So being mindful of that, and if you notice that within yourself, again, like there's pieces to it. It's, do I need to pull back on my giving and do I need to practice like, asking and receiving, so that it feels like there's more mutuality and reciprocity in the relationship? Okay. And number 10 is you require a lot of reassurance from your partner, but you struggle to believe it. So anxiously attached people can often try and manage their fears and insecurities by seeking, you know, very regular ongoing reassurance from their partner. And while, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking reassurance from time to time, there can be a sense of, like, there'll never be enough reassurance to really soothe that wound. If you're expecting your partner to make it all okay, you know, every time you're feeling insecure, every time you're feeling anxious, you're relying on your partner to make that feeling go away, and needing them to kind of talk you off the ledge.
[00:20:37]:
I don't know about you, but in my experience, that tends to be a very, very temporary fix. And it doesn't actually get to the heart of what is causing that insecurity to come up again and again and again. So while it can be a really beautiful thing in a relationship for a partner to participate in your healing by giving that reassurance, we do have to be mindful of our expectations around that and, what we're hoping our partner's gonna be able to do for us, and what their role is in our growth and healing, in terms of convincing us that everything's okay and that they love us even though, you know, nothing's really happened. We've just got these ongoing fears that are really rampant within us. So finding the balance there between, you know, what's my work to do? What's my stuff to tend to, and what's a kind of reasonable and healthy role for my partner to play in that, is a big part of the work as well. Okay. So that was points 1 to 10. I'm gonna pause there.
[00:21:42]:
And as I said, we'll have part 2, which is points 11 to 20, traits of the anxious attachment style. I'm gonna release that in a couple of days' time. So I hope that you really enjoyed this. I hope that it's, you know, dug a little deeper than just the, you know, typical listicles that you might see around traits of the anxious attachment style, giving a little more insight into, like, what sits underneath those and what drives them. And as I said, if you resonate with some or most of these or maybe all of them, definitely jump on the wait list for healing, anxious attachment. I would love to be able to support you as you work on these things, as you do some unlearning and some relearning of new ways. So definitely jump on the wait list if you're interested. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again in a few days' time with part 2.Thanks, guys.
[00:22:35]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie_ _rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, anxious attachment, relationship, insecurity, self awareness, traits, anxious attachment style, guidance, knowledge, practical tools, emotional needs, boundaries, separation anxiety, jealousy, saviour complex, overgiving, self-sacrifice, reassurance, identity, worth, well-being, emotional attunement, validation, maturation, self growth, value, anxiously attached, secure relationships, healing, emotional support, relationship coach
4 Common Misconceptions About Avoidant Attachment
In this week's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're exploring some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is frequently misunderstood and misrepresented in a lot of online content, and it's so important to me to dispel some of those portrayals and offer something more humanising and more honest about what's going on for avoidant folks.
In this week's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're exploring some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is frequently misunderstood and misrepresented in a lot of online content, and it's so important to me to dispel some of those portrayals and offer something more humanising and more honest about what's going on for avoidant folks.
We cover misconceptions around:
Avoidant people not wanting to be in relationships
Avoidant people only caring about themselves
Avoidant people never experiencing anxiety in their relationships
Avoidant people being unable to change
Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Compassion for the Misunderstood
Attachment styles profoundly influence our interpersonal relationships, acting as blueprints for how we relate to others, particularly in times of stress or emotional need. Of these, avoidant attachment often faces widespread misconceptions that can lead to misunderstandings in personal relationships and the advice offered to those who identify with this attachment style. This discussion seeks to unravel these misconceptions, fostering a better understanding of avoidant attachment and promoting supportive relationships.
Debunking Misconceptions About Avoidance in Relationships
The belief that individuals with an avoidant attachment style have an across-the-board aversion to relationships is a common misconception. Far from being universally true, many people with this style do engage in relationships. However, they may struggle with achieving the right balance between intimacy and their inherent need for independence. It isn't a matter of not wanting a relationship; it's about navigating the complexities of intimacy and maintaining a comfortable level of emotional space.
The myth that avoidant partners never change is another unfounded trope that can hinder relationship growth. People are not static; they evolve and adapt through experiences and personal reflection. Resisting the impulse to impose change on a partner and instead fostering an atmosphere of support and understanding can facilitate organic growth and relationship satisfaction for both parties.
Navigating Personal Space and Emotional Regulation
A pressing challenge for individuals with avoidant tendencies is managing their emotional landscape within the precincts of a close relationship. They are often adept at self-regulation when on their own but may struggle to process and communicate their emotions in tandem with a partner. Establishing personal space that respects both partners' boundaries is key to creating a sustainable, fulfilling relationship dynamic.
Mislabeling as 'Selfish' or 'Uncaring'
Labels such as 'selfish' or 'uncaring' are frequently, and often unfairly, attributed to those with an avoidant attachment style. The truth behind the façade of indifference is usually more complex – assuredly not a lack of care, but perhaps a struggle in expressing it. Patience and empathy from a partner can help bridge the gap between misunderstood actions and the true intentions behind them.
The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic
Heightened sensitivities arise in relationships that mix anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Here, the anxious partner's need for validation and approval can clash with the avoidant person's instinct to withdraw for self-preservation, feeling underappreciated. Recognising and addressing these differing needs and reactions can lead to more harmonious and supportive partnerships.
Internal Anxiety and Overthinking
Although not always outwardly apparent, individuals with avoidant attachment can experience significant internal anxiety. This can manifest in overthinking and anticipating the worst-case scenarios. Identifying and soothing these internal dialogues is crucial for avoidant individuals to feel secure in a relationship.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Patterns
Even within the spectrum of avoidant attachment, there are variances such as the fearful avoidant type. Here, a fear of becoming too dependent can often lead to an individual exhibiting anxious attachment patterns, especially during periods of relationship upheaval like breakups. Learning to navigate these intense emotions is vital for maintaining inner peace and relationship stability.
Encouraging Self-awareness and Trust
Developing self-awareness and trust is an imperative step for those grappling with avoidant attachment. Understanding one's own attachment style, triggers, and responses can significantly improve relational dynamics and lead to more secure attachments.
Balancing Vulnerability and Control
For an avoidant individual, the need to balance vulnerability with a sense of control is paramount. Engaging in open and honest communication about fundamental attachment needs can help avoidant partners feel more at ease with vulnerability, ultimately contributing to a deeper and more secure connection.
Fostering a Supportive and Loving Environment
The foundation of any meaningful relationship change lies in fostering a loving and supportive environment. For those with avoidant attachment, such an environment can encourage self-disclosure and connectivity without the fear of judgement or loss of autonomy.
Finding the Path to Growth
Underlining the discussion is the philosophy that a one-size-fits-all approach to attachment and personal change is unrealistic. Acknowledging that each person's journey towards growth is unique allows for a more nuanced and compassionate perspective on relationships. Partners of those with avoidant attachment styles can empower change by nurturing an empathetic space that respects each person's pacing and process of transformation.
In conclusion, while avoidant attachment is often veiled in misconceptions, taking the time to dissect and dispel these myths can lead to healthier, more resilient relationships. Through understanding, patience, and mutual support, it is possible to navigate these waters together, allowing both partners to thrive within their attachment paradigms.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your understanding of avoidant attachment - prior to this episode, did you hold any of the common misconceptions about avoidant individuals, such as the belief that they cannot change or do not desire relationships? How has your perspective shifted after listening to Stephanie and Joel's discussion?
Consider the idea of needing personal space within a relationship. Have you ever felt conflicted between wanting intimacy and needing your own space? How do you navigate these feelings without sending mixed signals to your partner?
In the context of your own relationships, how do you balance vulnerability with maintaining a sense of control? Can you think of instances where you have successfully managed this balance, and what did that look like for you and your partner?
Joel talked about his personal struggle with expressing care. Can you relate to the challenge of showing affection or care in a way that feels authentic to you? How might this tie in with your attachment style?
The anxious-avoidant dynamic can often lead to a cycle of withdrawal and pursuit in relationships. Have you experienced this pattern before, and how did it affect your relationship? What steps did you take, or could you take in the future, to break the cycle?
Stephanie and Joel emphasise the importance of a supportive and loving environment for organic change within a relationship. Reflect on your past or current relationships – what does a supportive environment look like for you, and how does it contribute to personal and mutual growth?
Avoidant attachment can involve an internal sense of anxiety that isn't always expressed openly. Think about a time you might have overthought a situation or scenario with a partner to the point of worst-case thinking. How did you handle this internal turmoil, and what did it reveal about your attachment needs?
The episode discusses the misconception that avoidant people are selfish or uncaring. Have you ever been quick to judge a partner's behaviour as selfish without considering their attachment style? How can you approach such situations with more empathy in the future?
Joel shares that being labelled as never able to change can lead to resistance. Reflect on how labels and expectations have influenced your own behaviour or personal growth. What might be the impact of releasing these expectations, both for yourself and your relationships?
Stephanie has mentioned the upcoming changes with her maternity leave and program offerings. Reflecting on transitions and periods of change in your own life, how do you prepare for such times? What changes have you observed in your attachment patterns during significant life transitions?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie [00:00:27]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Now today's episode is a little bit special because I'm recording live from Bangkok of all places, and I'm joined by my partner, Joel. Hi, Joel.
Joel [00:00:49]:
Hi, guys.
Stephanie [00:00:51]:
So it's a bit of a funny story. I'm gonna expose how disorganised I am in telling the truth here, but we are on a holiday, and I didn't get around to recording a podcast episode before I left. So packed my podcast mic along with my laptop with a view to recording an episode for you from our hotel in Bangkok. And lo and behold, unbeknownst to us, our hotel in Bangkok has a podcast recording studio, which is just extremely unlikely, but, very opportune. So we are sitting here in a fully fledged podcast recording studio in our hotel in Bangkok, and we're gonna be talking all about some misconceptions about avoided attachment. So as you would know, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, it's really important to me to rebalance the scales, I suppose, insofar as, you know, understanding avoidant attachment and extending a level of curiosity and compassion to that experience. Obviously, most of my work is around anxious attachment, but I think that it would be fair to say so much of the content all over the Internet and everywhere else is often centered on the anxious attachment experience. And to the extent that it talks about avoidant attachment, it's usually with a view to either demonising or trying to change your avoidant partner so that you feel better about the relationship.
Stephanie [00:02:16]:
And if you're familiar with my philosophy, notwithstanding the fact that I'm definitely, you know, have learned more anxious and have struggled with anxious avoidant dynamics in my relationship. I don't think that that approach in fact, I know that that approach of just looking for someone to blame and looking to explain away all of the problems of your relationship via, you know, what's wrong with your partner and what you can do about that tends not to be very fruitful, and it tends to actually keep you really stuck in places that are very disempowering. So it's always important to me to give a little more context to avoid detachment, to invite people to pause and to get curious and to step outside the self centeredness. And I say that, you know, descriptively rather than critically. But I think when we're in fear or we're in stress, we are naturally self centered. All of us, we are going to be focused on our experiences. That's what we know so deeply. But to step outside that self centeredness and really get to know what's going on for our partners, for the people we're in relationship with rather than designating that as wrong and trying to change it as our way of creating safety for ourselves.
Stephanie [00:03:34]:
So so what we're gonna be talking about today, some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment, so that you can maybe have a little more understanding, and just more depth of awareness, which I think is always a beautiful thing to be cultivating in your relationship. Now before we dive into that, a quick announcement that healing anxious attachment, which many of you will know is my signature program, is coming back soon. So in a few weeks' time, we're gonna be relaunching what will be the 7th cohort of the course, which is pretty cool. There are already a few hundred people on the wait list, which is amazing to see. I'm always so honored and humbled by the interest in this program. And this next round will be a particularly special one because it'll be the last one that I'll be running before I, check out for maternity leave for a good few months at least. So I don't know when the next round of the program will be, likely sometime later in the year. But no current plans for that as I will be playing it by ear a little with a new baby.
Stephanie [00:04:36]:
So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're interested in a program that's very comprehensive, that's been tried and tested by over 1500 people over the past 2 years, I would love for you to jump on the wait list via the link in the show notes or directly on my website, and doing so will guarantee you a spot in the program and also exclusive early bird discounts. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around common misconceptions about avoiding And I should have said in the introduction, Joel is not just sitting here next to me for the fun of it. He's here to weigh in and offer the perspective of someone who has more avoidant patterns. And, you know, while I've said many times before, and I'll say again here, that it's not like every avoidant person is the same. So it's not like Joel Joel can speak to, you know, the inner workings of the avoidant mind in a very generic and universal sense. But I think it is helpful, and I know from feedback from previous episodes where Joel's been involved, that it is really helpful to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak, rather than just hearing it coming from me who is more an observer of that experience rather than in the driver's seat of it. So with that being said, the first misconception that we wanna talk about is that avoiding people have an aversion to relationships generally or don't want to be in relationships, that they are, you know, that they avoid relationships altogether.
Stephanie [00:06:12]:
I think that's a common one, I think, just because of the name avoidant. There's this sense of, like, avoidant people don't want to be in relationships, and I see that so much on, like, in comment sections, on Instagram, on YouTube. People say really blunt things like, well, well, if they don't wanna be in relationships, they should just go and live alone and die or something, you know, very kind of petulant and and ill thought through. But I think there is that sense of, like, well, if you don't wanna be in relationship, then why do you go around being in relationship? And I think that that just really misses what's happening when it comes to avoidant attachment. It's not so much an aversion to relationships. Right? And and many, I would say most people with avoidant patterns, remember we're talking about, like, up to 25% of the population here, maybe even more. Of course, most of those people seek out and are in relationships.
Stephanie[00:07:13]:
So it's really much more nuanced than just, oh, you don't like relationships. You don't like intimacy. You don't want that for yourself. It it's more that being in those situations can bring up a lot of stuff. And as it can for anxious people, it just tends to be different stuff and provoke different protective responses. But just because of the the life experience that people with avoidant attachment have had. It can mean that certain things about being in relationship can activate stress for them and can cause stress, and that stress is dealt within a variety of ways that kind of fall under this banner of what we call avoidant attachment.
Joel [00:08:00]:
Yeah. I think I'll input here for the avoidance. Yeah. It is a a misconception to say that avoidants don't wanna be in relationships. People who don't wanna be in relationships, by choice, aren't in relationships, but you find many avoidants in relationships. The difficulty there is generally around intimacy and getting close because the way that there's you know, I have seek security in this world is to spend time with myself, spend time to gather my thoughts, to regulate my emotions, and I find it really challenging doing that with someone else. And it's something that I've really had to work on. It doesn't mean I didn't wanna be in a relationship. It's just that I was having a very hard time being in a relationship
Joel [00:08:51]:
Because I was yet to develop that self awareness and develop the tools and and it really came down to the trust and having a loving partner, that wasn't just going to judge me from the surface judge me on the surface level. I think it's a really easy thing, and I can completely understand if, those who have been in relationships where it hasn't ended well and it you can you may come across some literature on attachment and just gonna make sweeping generalizations to a large part of the population, but it's it's not as simple as that. And on the other side, it's it's really the same with anxious attachment. You know, we don't wanna make sweeping generalizations for every individual. But I can say for sure that most people wanna be supported by other people, whether in a relationship, whether with family or friends. Some just find it more difficult.
Stephanie [00:09:57]:
Yeah. I think that, you know, ultimately and and the whole body of work around attachment is predicated on the notion that, like, we all have these fundamental attachment needs to be to love and be loved, to be cared for, you you know, to be seen, to be understood, to be validated, to feel like we belong. It's just that depending on the experiences that we've had and the patterns that we've developed, certain aspects of that can be harder to trust. And, you know, I think that it it is for avoidant folks. It's just like, I don't know how to simultaneously feel, and I know this is true for you, Joel. I don't know how to be that vulnerable with someone and and be that seen by them and still feel in control.
Joel [00:10:43]:
Yep.
Stephanie [00:10:44]:
And so I think that when those two things feel like they're competing, like, my sense of being in control of my own safety and, like, knowing how to take care of myself the way I always have, and also being connected to you. If I don't know how to hold those things together, often, safety will trump connection. Mhmm. And, you know, that is, again, true for all of us. So all of that to say, it's not an aversion to the idea of relationships. And and, of course, avoidant folks want all of that as much as anyone else does in most cases, it's just that it can bring up challenges for them as it can for the rest of us, but it just looks a little different. Okay. The next misconception about avoidant attachment is avoiding people only care about themselves. So this one could have sub bullets under it, which is, you know, avoiding people are selfish, avoiding people are narcissists, avoiding people are know, cold, callous, all of those labels that we often see being.
Joel [00:11:45]:
I read all the comments.
Stephanie [00:11:47]:
Yeah. We read the comments.
Joel [00:11:48]:
It hurts.
Stephanie [00:11:49]:
Yeah. It it is. It's not that's not really nice. Right? And, again, we can understand that if you've formed those views that you've probably been hurt, and that's real. But to then take that and extrapolate and, you know, make it mean something about people at a really fundamental essential level, I think, again, misses misses the truth and misses the nuance of, you know, people are in pain and people are, you know if if we wanna use the word selfish, again, I mentioned this in the last point, I think if we're gonna call someone selfish for the ways in which they protect themselves, we have to acknowledge that we too are selfish in the way that we protect ourselves. It's just if you happen to be more anxious in your attachment patterns, your agenda looks different, and it looks relationally focused.
Joel [00:12:45]:
More empathetic.
Stephanie [00:12:46]:
Yes. But it's we can be honest, and I, you know, put my hand up and can see this within myself that it's, you know, sometimes that doting self sacrifice, you know, overgiving, self abandoning thing is just coming from a place of, again, trying to create some semblance of safety or control for yourself. And, you know, that is with the strings attached of of, you know, what you need rather than, you know, giving without an agenda. So I think that, you know, we need to acknowledge that stress makes us all selfish. And when we are in relationship and we have insecure attachment patterns, there's generally a lot of stress in the system of that relationship. And so looking at someone who's more avoidant and labeling them selfish or uncaring because their mode of self protection is to pull back or, you know, pull away, you know, kind of go to their island. Again, I think it's just not capturing the full picture. And, you know, Joel, again, I can throw to you here. I know that you care very much.
Joel [00:14:01]:
Very deeply.
Stephanie [00:14:03]:
Yeah. And and that as with anyone, again, to be told that you don't care or that you're uncaring can feel like a deep injustice. There's such an incongruence between your internal experience and how it's being received, and that can lead you to shut down further. Right? Yeah. Because it's like, why why bother trying when I'm just like my efforts aren't landing here. I care so much, and yet I'm being told I'm uncaring.
Joel [00:14:27]:
Yeah. What it feels like is when I there's 2 ways I can take, if someone says, like, I don't care. It's like my knee jerk reaction is like, you have no no idea how much I care. Yeah. But you're not understanding how I express it or you just wanna see it in the way that you care for the world. And I think that's the trap that a lot of us get into. We have these unfair expectations of the world to mimic the way that we want to operate.
Stephanie [00:15:02]:
Yeah. If it were me, I would do this thing. So the fact that you're not doing that thing means you must feel differently to me.
Joel [00:15:08]:
Yeah. We have these unspoken contracts with the world. I care so deeply, to the point where I, and I'm working on it, is I foster a lot of guilt that I am not empathetic, I'm selfish, and this was probably the hardest thing about the decision to have kids is I fundamentally thought that I would be too selfish, and I would have these conversations over and over again with mates who happen to be fathers and, you know, fathers that are are much older than me. And a lot of the feedback I got was, if you think this much about it, you're gonna be okay. You care. And it it's just the expression, which might seem unfavorable to a lot of people, the way that avoidance show their care or or lack to be able to express their care and communicate it. But I'm not gonna talk for everyone here, but I think the majority of people care. The majority of people really wanna be cared for, I think we just have a really hard time communicating it and communicating intimacy, communicating our needs.
Stephanie [00:16:35]:
Yeah. And I think that, you know, with that anxious avoidant dynamic, we can acknowledge that oftentimes, I've spoken about this in different contexts, anxious folks all kind of ask for something, and then they might get it, but it's not enough because they're wanting their partner to fill a void inside of, like, I just need more reassurance, and I need to test, and I need to probe, kind of moving the goalposts a little because there is this really deep insecurity there that they're hoping their partner can somehow make go away. And so I think if we can step outside of that and go on to the other side and recognize that when you are putting in effort, but those efforts aren't being seen and all you're getting in response or, you know, the bulk of what you're getting in response is feedback saying still not enough, still not enough. I think that can be pretty disheartening. Yep. And
Joel [00:17:34]:
Will have the opposite effect.
Stephanie [00:17:38]:
Yeah. Why bother? Yeah. And so I think that that can really lead to disengagement and withdrawal in someone who's more avoidant. Whereas, again, it's a point of divergence between anxious and avoidant people. I think anxious people, it's like challenge accepted. I'll just try harder and harder and harder and harder and harder to get your validation, to get your approval. It's almost like there's no ceiling to that. Whereas avoidant people are, I think, more likely to sort of throw in the towel and say, why should I bother doing this? I'm not being appreciated for it. I'm not being seen for it. You're always upset with me. This isn't kind of this isn't worth it almost, because it seems to just completely lack any kind of efficacy. It's it's just, like, not effective. Okay. So the next one is of when people don't experience anxiety about their relationships. I think this is a really kind of funny one. Right? We think anxious attachment, they kind of have a monopoly on anxiety as an emotion, as an experience.
Stephanie [00:18:44]:
But the reality is avoidant attachment involves a lot of anxiety. Yeah. It just tends to be anxiety that swells around internally rather than anxiety that is acted out. And it kind of, you know, flows on nicely from the previous point around what you were saying, Joel, of, like, how much you can just, like, ruminate over things and and worry and think about things almost, I would say, more than I do, probably a lot more than I do. You know, the tendency to focus on potential worst case scenarios and all of the things that could go wrong, a lot of those hallmarks of anxiety are very much alive in in you. And, you know, to be fair, you are more in the the fearful avoidant or disorganized camp, which we know is high on both anxiety and avoidance. So that makes sense.
Joel [00:19:37]:
Yes. Good fun.
Stephanie [00:19:39]:
Keeps it interesting. But, yeah, I think to suggest that, like, avoidant attachment is somehow, like, devoid of anxiety as an emotion is, really, very much a misconception. And there is a lot of that, you know, worry and overthinking and, you know, worst case scenario kind of mentality. And that can be again, it's sort of like the same seed, but it sends you in different directions because I think for avoidant folks, it's like, oh, all of this paralyzing anxiety, I should just leave the relationship or, like, this must be a problem with the relationship, so I'll distance myself from that because then I'll get to distance myself from those feelings.
Stephanie [00:20:23]:
Whereas for more anxious people, it's like, I feel all this anxiety about my relationship. I have to change it or solve it so that I can get away from these feelings. If I can change you, then I won't feel anxious anymore. Yeah. Whereas for avoidant folks, it's like if I leave the relationship, I won't be anxious anymore. If I can
Joel [00:20:40]:
If I'm just by myself.
Stephanie [00:20:41]:
Yeah. Then I get to be away from these feelings.
Joel [00:20:44]:
Yeah. I think, yeah, I think it's a really it comes down to I feel like we really need to change the branding of attachment styles. I I prefer the original, you know, disorganized. It's a little bit more flattering than avoidant because avoidant has pretty pretty bad rap of a it's a it's a negative word. You know, we avoid things because we're in fear of them or scared of them, and I don't think that's necessarily the case all the time, with both dismissive and fearful avoidance. But, yes, we experience anxiety just like everyone else everyone else except for our secure friends.
Stephanie [00:21:30]:
I think probably they even still experience anxiety. It's just not quite to the same degree.
Joel [00:21:34]:
But, yeah, as Steph said, I'm more likely to I say, I'm more likely 100% of the time. I'm going to internalize it first. And it's just the way that I've been able to, I guess, operate during my life in this world is to try and to understand my place in it and and what is safe and what is not. And I've always been a a deep thinker and overthinking and and and rumination, something that I'm still working through. At the moment, I'm working through this, more of the anxiety stuff, with a a therapist at the moment. But, yeah, I definitely experience all the anxiety, and it particularly comes up, and for a lot of fearful avoidants, when our relationship is is at its hardest times and especially through separation, you'll notice there is actually a lot of, like, anxious attachment patterns in fearful avoidance during breakups. Like, we can both completely be in denial, and maybe that will last for a few weeks, and then we have, like, a strong emotional pull and and morning, that is really, really deep, and we really go through this fear of, you know, I'm never gonna meet someone like that again. And it took so much effort for me to open up to someone else. Like, I don't know if I can do that again. It is. We have we have deep anxieties, but it may not be expressed in the way that is either optimal or favorable to other people.
Stephanie [00:23:34]:
Yeah. I think that, my observation of that through being in relationship with you is like that when you are feeling threatened in some way, it tends to be a more avoidant response. But if there's any, like, insecurity or fear about the future of the relationship or anything like that, that tends to bring out more of the the anxiety that is more typical of anxious attachment patterns. So, there's definitely a full spectrum of experience there. I think it's just really a reminder that even though it can look different, and and will tend to be internalized rather than acted out in more typical anxious attachment fashion. That doesn't mean that the underlying anxieties aren't there. And, you know, I would say, as I would say to anxious people, that, like, yeah, anxiety happens when we care a lot about something. And so it kinda goes back to the the previous point, but like, yeah, when when we're invested in something, when something's important to us, then it can bring up a lot of fear and worry and, you know, wanting to derisk and worrying about the worst case scenario. All of those things, I think, go hand in hand. Okay. The last one that we wanna share, misconception about avoidant attachment, is avoidant people never change.
Joel [00:24:57]:
We don't.
Stephanie [00:24:59]:
That's it. No. That one's actually true. No. Just kidding. Yeah. I think, again, like, sweeping generalization, right, avoiding people never change. I think there is some truth in the fact that for some avoidant people, particularly those with more dismissive patterns, there can be a pretty strong resistance to doing the work, so to speak, particularly in the manner that people with more anxious patterns might like to do it.
Stephanie [00:25:26]:
For example, listening to podcasts like this or doing a course or reading a book. You know, I, I had someone ask me on Instagram the other day about, you know, I'm doing all of this reading and that, and my partner's not doing any, and it's so unfair, and why should I be the one doing it all? And I I think it's a very common sentiment, and it's a common frustration. But at the same time, I think we have to recognize, as I've spoken about before, that, the work, so to speak, looks different for everyone. We can't reasonably impose our own, expectations of what that has to look like in someone else's process, and that will very reliably elicit more resistance and defensiveness in them. But in any event, to suggest that someone will never change, I kind of have a problem with that more broadly when people say, like, oh, people never change. You know? Like, I just that's so fundamentally at odds with my personal experience of myself and so many other people, I think we are all changing all the time.
Joel [00:26:38]:
Yeah.
Stephanie [00:26:39]:
But I think when you're saying like, oh, well, these people are never gonna change or is my partner gonna change? I think we have to get a little bit more curious about, like, is my partner like, can I accept my partner as they are while also wanting to be in a relational environment of growth and, you know, continued investment in ourselves and each other? Mhmm. But I think that's a very different proposition to, like, requiring someone to change as some sort of condition of being in the relationship, which, you know,tends not to work terribly well.
Joel [00:27:17]:
It's you have to hold you must have to hold 2 opposing ideas. Something's gotta change here, but also this person who's in front of me, I love. And those two things can coexist. Yeah. I find it also a little bit irritating, when I do hear this because it makes me assume that someone isn't changing at your pace, at your rate. And I can guarantee most people all the time are changing and they're learning, and it's we can't force feed people audiobooks or books. We can't force people to sit down and, quote, unquote, do the work. But if you're having honest conversations, if you really care for this person and you care about the relationship, I think it will change over time.
Stephanie [00:28:25]:
Yeah. I think it's it's all about and, you know, I talk about this so much. It's like change the environment of your relationship rather than trying to change your partner. And if you are doing your part to contribute to an overall relational environment that is characterized by love and care and support and acceptance, appreciation, generosity, all of the things that you want your relationship to be about. Just tend to the environment and trust it. Like things will grow better in a healthier environment rather than staying, swirling around in a really dysfunctional environment and wondering why nothing's growing there. It's like, really ask yourself, are the conditions that I am maybe not single handedly creating, but contributing to or perpetuating. Are those like conducive to growth? Do they inspire growth? Or is it like a high stress, high blame, you know, dysfunctional, disconnected relational landscape? And you know, can I really be surprised that growth isn't happening here? So I, I think it is really just about like, you know, people do change and grow Yeah and will continue.
Joel [00:29:45]:
Yeah. You've you've absolutely should have changed quite a bit. I I reflect on this a lot because, you know, as we're coming up to having a child, it's made me reflect really on how fast life comes at you and, you know, sudden sudden news or or life changes can really propel you into a different direction so quickly. And over reflecting in the last 3 to 4 years, I'm like, oh, I don't even if I was being honest with myself and I I look back on little entries or journal entries, and they might just be a few words or or a couple of lines, I'm like, oh, okay. I'm I'm I'm changing. And I like to look back, and I wanna my goal is to just laugh at myself and just or what like we were talking about today, just look back and just realize, like, how young you were. Like, how young was I a year ago? Like, how silly was I?
Stephanie [00:30:38]:
Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's true. I think, you know, in the course of our relationship past couple of years, we've both changed and grown.
Joel [00:30:48]:
And we've had to work on it.
Stephanie [00:30:49]:
Yeah. We've had to work on it a lot. So all of that to say, change is is always possible. I guess it's just, you know, if it's going to be like really inspired to grow, then we're going to be growing in the same direction, the way that's aligned. You really do need to tend to those environmental factors, tend to the conditions, tend to the climate of your relationship, and trust that whatever growth needs to happen will happen organically on those foundations, rather than like kind of having your hands around someone's neck or, you know, shaking them violently saying, why won't you change to suit me, because you're causing me pain at the moment? I don't think that that's that's tends not to be a very effective strategy. So those were some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. I might just quickly recap that because, gosh, we ramble on for a bit there. So the first one was avoiding people having aversion to relationships.
Stephanie [00:31:47]:
They don't want to be in relationships. Second one was avoiding people only care about themselves or selfish, narcissistic, all of those labels that we can slap on. The third was avoiding people don't experience anxiety about their relationships. And the 4th was that avoiding people never change or can't change. So I hope that that's been helpful. I hope it's given you a new perspective on some of those points, given you some insights about things that you maybe didn't quite appreciate or some some nuances there. And as we said at the start, if you are someone who is more anxious and you're wanting to work on that through the support of my program, definitely check out Healing Anxious Attachment, the wait list, which you can join via my website. I suppose I should probably add at the end as well given what we were talking about today and the fact that you're here, Joel.
Stephanie [00:32:38]:
We also have a couples course called Secure Together, which we created last year. So Joel is my co coach, I suppose, in that one and presents the avoidant side of the the street. And that's a really great course for for anxious avoidant couples to work through together, or if you're in a relationship and you wanna work through it just to understand your relationship and your partner better. And we've had some really beautiful feedback about that, particularly, you know, Joel's presence there and how for a lot of people's partners who were more avoidant that that really created a lot of safety for them and allowed them to feel, like, a lot less intimidated, I suppose, about the whole idea of sitting down and doing a couple's course, which we know might not be the most appealing invitation for some folks who do lean more avoidant. So you can also check out Secure Together if, you're in a relationship and wanting to work on some of the things we've talked about today. And, there's a discount code to save $200. So if you insert the code secure, you can save $200 on that course. Okay.
Stephanie [00:33:43]:
That's all from us today. We are signing off from Bangkok, and look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
Joel [00:33:50]:
Bye, guys.
Stephanie [00:33:53]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
accepting your partner, relationship growth, supportive environment, organic change, personal growth, impending parenthood, misconceptions about avoidant attachment, Healing Anxious Attachment program, Secure Together discount code, attachment styles, self-awareness in relationships, trust in relationships, fundamental attachment needs, vulnerability and control, selfishness in avoidant attachment, uncaring avoidant misconception, expressing care in relationships, anxious-avoidant dynamic, feeling unappreciated, validation and approval, withdraw in relationships, internal anxiety, overthinking in attachment, worst-case scenario mentality, fearful avoidant attachment, anxious attachment patterns, resistance to change, constant individual change, On Attachment podcast, intimacy and closeness struggles.
Building Self-Worth & a Secure Dating Mindset with Dr. Morgan Anderson
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we're talking all about building self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence in the context of dating. Dr. Morgan is a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of the relationship self-help book, Love Magnet. She is also the host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast.
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we're talking all about building self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence in the context of dating. Dr. Morgan is a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of the relationship self-help book, Love Magnet. She is also the host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast.
In our conversation, we cover:
how insecure attachment styles fuel unhealthy dating patterns
how low self-worth and a lack of self-trust impact our dating mindset
common shifts that occur as you rewire old patterns and move towards secure attachment
practical tools and tips for shifting your dating mindset and building a secure dating persona
To connect with Dr. Morgan:
Listen to her podcast: Let's Get Vulnerable
Find her on Instagram: @drmorgancoaching
Visit her website: drmorgancoaching.com
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do your past experiences or attachment patterns influence your approach to dating and relationships?
What are some negative beliefs about yourself that may be impacting your self-worth in relationships?
Can you identify any adaptive coping mechanisms or protective strategies that stem from past relational trauma? How do they affect your current relationships?
How might self-compassion play a role in healing your wounds and developing a healthier approach to dating?
In what ways can you broaden your perspective on self-worth beyond the context of relationships? What activities or interests bring value and fulfillment to your life outside of romance?
Have you experienced a corrective emotional experience in your relationships that positively impacted your attachment style? If not, how might you seek out such experiences?
What are some intentional ways you can maintain a sense of self and pursue your individual interests while dating or in a relationship?
Have you noticed any urgency in your approach to relationships? If so, how might slowing down and reorienting yourself lead to more informed choices and healthier dynamics?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we are talking all about building self worth and a secure identity in the context of dating, which I know is something that a lot of listeners are going to be really, really interested to hear about. Dr. Morgan is a licenced clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach and author of the relationship self help book Love Magnet. She's also the host of the let's get Vulnerable podcast and the creator of the empowered, secure loved relationship programme. Our conversation covers a lot of ground from why we get stuck in the same patterns, why we find ourselves going after unavailable people, why we would want to do the work, to rewire all of that. What that work actually looks like some really practical steps that you could start taking towards building a more secure identity and actually creating the kind of relationship that you want and enjoying yourself in the process. So I'm sure that you guys are going to love this conversation and I'm really looking forward to sharing it with you. Dr. Morgan, thank you so much for joining me.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:01:36]:
Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited about our conversation.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:40]:
Yeah, likewise. So maybe we could start by you just introducing yourself and giving everyone a bit of a feel for what you do and the kinds of people that you usually help in your work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:01:54]:
Yes, I am Dr. Morgan Anderson. I am the host of the let's get vulnerable podcast and I help women heal and have high self worth so that they can attract the relationships they my, I call it like my former life. I was a clinical psychologist, I still am a clinical psychologist. And then I saw how big of a gap there was in terms of attachment theory and people knowing about attachment theory and how to apply it to their dating lives. And I started this coaching business about four years ago and now have had the pleasure of coaching over 500 women and helping them become more securely attached and step into their high self worth version of themselves. So it's been a wild ride the last four years and I love what I do. And of course, as you know, Stephanie, for a lot of us who are drawn to this field, this really was a calling for me because it was my own personal struggle.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:09]:
To say, is there that thread of personal story that led you to really knowing how deeply this was needed and having walked that path yourself?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:03:19]:
Yes. Isn't that the case for those of us that really run with this? It starts with the personal story, and that was certainly the case for me of experiencing childhood trauma that then led me to really painful dating patterns all through my twenty s. And then I tell people that my rock bottom moment really was when I was dating a narcissist. And that relationship just got to a very unhealthy place, and I was kind of at that fork in the road of, I can keep doing this, but I know I am causing so much damage to myself and every relationship I go through is just getting more and more painful. So at that rock bottom place, I decided I need to heal, and I really threw myself into researching attachment theory and ways to rewire your belief system. I'm really happy to say I'm three years into a wonderful, healthy, securely attached partnership, and I think if it's possible for me, it's really possible for anyone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:30]:
Yeah, it sounds like there are some common threads in our respective stories there, because I had a similar experience of when I was younger, my first two long term relationships were, I think, just probably by pure luck, were quite healthy. But then I had this relationship in my mid 20s, which was really not healthy at all. Very dysfunctional, like very classic anxious, avoidant, every expression of that dynamic. And it was really only through that experience, as stressful as it was. And I look back and it's quite amazing to me that I persisted in it because I stayed in it for three years. Amazing to me that I persisted through so much dysfunction and so much just like, striving and pushing all the time, every day. But I really don't regret it at all because it was that that pushed me to the bring. And in a funny sort of way, I can look back now and see that the patterns that really came to the fore in that relationship were sort of latent in me in those earlier relationships, but they sort of weren't brought out as much because the relationship was more secure.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:44]:
But it was only in really seeing those parts of myself that were exacerbated through that dynamic that I was able to then go, okay, this needs my attention. As much as it has a nice story to tell myself that it's all his fault because he's just a bad guy. There's a part of me that's getting something out of this because I didn't just walk away at the start right. There were all of the signs there. And I, for some reason, was attracted to that challenge. And so I think that having those experiences, it's not like we need to go and seek out awful relationships for the sake of growth. But I think when we can look back and go, okay, there's something in this that's more than just, oh, I just attract all the bad guys. It's like, well, what is it within me that is attracted to that? That really gives us a lot of fertile ground for growth and self exploration and healing if we're brave enough to do that work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:06:42]:
Oh, so powerful for you to share that. It makes me think about the concept repetition compulsion, which, you know, where we are in our adult relationships, repeating unfinished business from our childhoods. And yes, there are those relationships like the one you described, where it is your unfinished business just staring at you. You can't avoid it. And you see those wounds that have never been examined or never been healed. And yes, it is an opportunity to do that deeper work so that we can then intentionally go into our future relationships. So it's a very empowering way to look at it. And I do.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:07:30]:
I'm incredibly grateful for that relationship that I went through because, yes, it was probably my most toxic relationship, and it is the one that made me say, this pattern has to stop and to finally really see my wounds. So, yeah, I'm with you now. I have a lot of gratitude for it. At the time, I didn't, but now I do.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:57]:
Yeah, totally. So is there kind of an archetype of person who you're seeing again and again? Like, who are the kinds of people that you're working with? What are the things they're struggling with? Is there a pretty clear pattern or a few key patterns that you're seeing?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:08:14]:
Yeah, a lot of the people that I work with have found themselves in relationships that don't end well or relationships that don't meet their needs, or they're constantly attracted to that emotionally unavailable partner who can't meet them? I work with both anxiously attached and avoidantly attached individuals, and also a lot of disorganised attachment. As you know, that's really common in my work, since that's so connected to early childhood trauma. And I think that oftentimes with disorganised attachment, we can just find ourselves in really painful dynamics. And then those folks are a little bit more motivated to seek help. So a lot of disorganised attachment, but women will come to me when they say, okay, I've blamed the dating pool. I've blamed all the guys, but now I'm taking ownership. I am the common denominator. I want to own my role in this and they're so ready to heal and do the work and they just don't want to be in pain in their relationships anymore.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:32]:
Yeah. That sense of exasperation, of, like, surely it's not meant to be this hard. I'm looking around me and it feels like other people are managing to do this. And despite my best intentions and the fact that I really want a relationship, why does it keep ending the same way? Why do I keep finding myself? And I think a lot of what I see and hear from people is they're attracted to someone that really seems all kind of picture perfect until it isn't. And not only is that painful to play out, but every time you play it out, your self trust just kind of withers, right? Your ability to go, oh, do I just have terrible judgement because I thought things were one way and now it's this 180. And so then that really erodes my sense of self moving into the next relationship and the next person I meet, because I'm scared of my own, scared of myself, scared of my patterns. And so there's like this internal vigilant, just like this barren self trust environment. And I think that when we combine that with general anxiety or.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:46]:
I talk a lot about how I think much of the time when we're afraid of something, we're afraid of our own feelings, I don't want to experience that because of the embarrassment or the rejection or the shame or the hurt that I might feel if that thing comes to pass. And so we just end up in overdrive and it sucks all of the joy out of it. I think there's just like, from all of these angles, people are having a really hard time navigating this, and it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:11:18]:
Oh, I love that you mentioned this about self trust. That is such a key. And I do think that's a common thread in people that I work with, is just that disconnection from self and being unable to tell, okay, what is my past trauma? Or what is my insecure attachment style versus what is my inner knowing? What is the truth? What is my gut? And I know when you get to that place, it does, it just makes dating exhausting. And then you get a lot of people who overcorrect and they say, I'm never going to date again. And they're not in the dating scene. Right. They're giving up on love and just going to travel the world with their girlfriends. But then at the end of the day, they admit to themselves they do want partnership and they realise, okay, I have to go about dating differently and I think that speaking of self trust, for so many people, you probably find this. It started early on, that disconnection from self.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:34]:
Yeah. And I think that one of the hardest things and something I hear time and time again and something I've experienced myself is like, how can I trust myself when I had this paranoia or this fear and it came to fruition and so it's like banking evidence in favour of the fear story that's telling me I was right. And so that protective part of me that's on the lookout, that's hyper vigilant, that's snooping or that's paranoid. When it gets proven right by an experience or a relationship, then that only bolsters the perceived importance of that pattern going forward. It's really hard from that place to go, okay, I'm going to just drop that and stop doing it because it feels like it's serving such an important protective function. And so I think there's all of these pieces that are operating there to keep us really entrenched in our patterns and we just keep spinning around in them.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:13:30]:
Yes, it's so true. And I love when people start to build self trust and they're gaining that inner knowing and they're hopefully moving towards secure attachment. I see those things as being so interconnected and they're able to feel when something is off early on. I've had so many clients who go, oh, my gosh, now that I've done this work and I'm moving towards secure attachment, I know that I just saved myself six months of games, six months of heartache. I felt it early on. I trusted myself and something that in the past, I would have just predicted it and catastrophized and yes, it would have happened. I was able to just remove myself early on and I think there's so much, oh, gosh, it's just such a big win to me. When we know what to invest our energy into early on and we can feel it.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:14:34]:
I guess it's preventative heartbreak. I love that so much. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:40]:
I think that it's probably not something that happens overnight, but you can, over time doing this work, take stock and go, yeah. Things that used to be attractive to me, I'm just so not interested in that kind of gameplaying or just that kind of energy, like flakiness, inconsistency doesn't do anything for me anymore in a way that it would have, once upon a time, really lit my system up and sent me into some sort of like, made me go in for more to investigate or to try and clarify or to gather information. It's just like that falls away a bit and you cease to be drawn to that kind of dynamic because you've built enough of the new stuff within you that's like, oh, that doesn't feel like a fit anymore for where I'm at, where I'm going.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:15:31]:
Yes, I love that so much. When you can start to feel that shift within you of being attracted to secure attachment and a securely attached relationship. I remember when I was doing this work on myself and feeling like, where did all of these good, emotionally available men come from? Did they just fall from the sky? Where have they been? The reality was I just wasn't attracted to them when I was in my disorganised attachment place. So it's so true that we can really change who we are attracted to and what kind of relationship dynamic is attractive to us.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:16]:
Yeah, I posted something yesterday which was from a previous podcast episode and it was along the lines of when we've been in those really inconsistent, kind of chaotic, dysfunctional relationships, that intermittent reinforcement that we get is so addictive. And so when we then start to step towards healthier relationships, it can feel like it's just not doing much for us in those early transitional stages when you're doing this work. And I think a lot of people will experience that and relate to that, this sense of healthy feeling. Boring at first, yes. When your system is really calibrated to spikes and chaos and the person who is kind of mean to you or doesn't meet your needs or is really unavailable most of the time, but then they turn up and they take you out to dinner, that's going to feel so much better for your system when you're used to that than the person who takes you out to dinner every week and is really consistent and available, right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:17:25]:
Absolutely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:26]:
So recognising that, recognising that, that's a powerful system. And being really conscious about, like, which part of myself do I want in the driver's seat here? The part that is going to respond really automatically to those old patterns. Do I want to be led by that kind of like pinball machine lighting up inside me and just follow the feeling? Or do I want to make really conscious decisions in the direction of what I know is best for me and what I know is right for me? Because I think if we do just keep following those familiar feelings, we're going to follow them down familiar paths to familiar dynamics with familiar relationships, we know what we want.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:18:08]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:09]:
And then we go, oh, why does this keep happening to me?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:18:12]:
Exactly. I love that you're talking about this. We talk about this in my community a lot. And one of the sayings I have is secure is sexy because it is part of that rewiring the brain to adjust to a new normal, to say, wow, emotional availability is really attractive and starting to learn that there's different levels of intimacy that come with that and a different kind of intimacy that is stable and predictable. I think what we find, and I don't know, this is my own personal experience, my clients experience. Maybe you relate to this, of when you've been in that for a while and you're starting to normalise into it, you then see, oh, wow, this is really attractive, this is really amazing and really different from anything I've had before. And I don't even know how to really put it into words. But you know what I'm saying, right?
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:17]:
It's like this deep nourishment that your system can actually just rest in relationships. And I think if you've always had a lot of insecurity, if that's been kind of the dominant force of your relationships has been stress and insecurity, it's probably just like the medicine that you didn't realise how deeply you needed it to actually just be able to rest in the safety of a relationship.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:19:42]:
I love that word rest because the word that comes to me is relax. That ability to relax into love and to create a partnership that really feels like home, that is easy. There's so much joy and love that comes from that, that so many people with relational trauma in their childhoods have probably never experienced that kind of relationship before.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:14]:
Of course there's trust in it, right? It's really hard to trust that it's real. And so we can go so quickly to trying to find the problem or trying to find where it's all going to fall apart. When's the other shoe going to drop? When's it all going to go south? Because that's just what we know and that's what we've been really primed to expect, right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:20:38]:
Yes. And people who are becoming secure will have extinction bursts. You've heard of that term where you're learning this new behaviour, you're becoming securely attached and then your brain goes, hey, but what about this insecure attachment behaviour? What about all these old protest behaviours? That we've used before. Are you sure you don't want these? And then they come back with a vengeance. Right. So I have these women that I'm helping and they'll say, oh, my gosh, I was doing so well and then all of a sudden I had this huge anxious attachment spiral and really, that's extinction. Bursts of the brain saying, well, hey, this was our old way of being. This worked for us for a really long time.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:21:27]:
Are you sure you don't want this?
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:29]:
Yeah, well, I think when we've got those protective strategies that feel so deeply etched into us, it's like muscle memory. It's like if you're right handed, you're learning to write with your left hand and it's just like, oh, the pull to the old way. Those parts of you that really are protective, right, and were once adaptive, it can feel really scary. For those parts to feel like you're trying to make them go away, it's like, oh, you are bad, and I'm going to make you stop now. It's why I really emphasise approaching ourselves with self compassion and not being like, oh, I'm so fucked up, I'm so broken, I've just got to stop being so anxious or I've got to stop being so scared. Makes a lot of sense, right? My anxiety. What's my anxiety trying to keep me safe from. What's my anxiety trying to tell me and recognising that.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:27]:
That part of you or those parts of you have been working really tirelessly to keep you safe for a really long time and that that's not something we need to make go away. We just need to maybe look at whether that's still adaptive to our current situation and environment and what we're working towards. And to the extent that it isn't, it's like, well, okay, can I come up with some new tools and new ways of doing things that are maybe a better fit for where I am and where I'm going?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:22:56]:
Absolutely. When we are critical or we shame those parts of ourselves, we just maintain them and then we can make them bigger, we make them come out sideways. So 100% agree with you of compassion, kindness, curiosity, being willing to explore, what's the story I'm telling myself there? What needs a little bit more healing? What's the wound that's coming up? Right. And then I teach this in my programme about how do we then have compassion and then say, how do I realign with this securely attached version of me and what does my current healthy coping look like, but so many people, they don't do the compassion right. They're just beating themselves up and then they just want to try to move back to a healthier version. But we know you won't be able to move through things without that compassion. It's so needed.
Stephanie Rigg [00:24:02]:
Yeah, I think I often say the shame, it's just layering more and more stress onto a system that's already in a lot of stress. If I'm just making myself wrong for everything about my experience and when unworthiness and low self esteem is already at the heart of a lot of that, punishing ourselves, beating ourselves up, criticising ourselves, not going to make that better, right? That's just going to make that feel more true. All of our stories of low self esteem, low self worth. So I think that recognising that we have to turn things around there and that really starts within. It's going to be very hard to do any kind of meaningful growth or healing work from a place of shame and solve criticism. It just tends not to work very well.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:24:50]:
It's so true. It's so true. And then I think once people are in that more secure place or they've done some of that inner work and they're building their self worth, then what I know we probably both see is where people start to have new relationship experiences. I call these corrective emotional experiences. Right. And what I love about that is then you're gaining evidence for the healthy relationship, for the secure relationship. And I know how significant that is for people in their healing process.
Stephanie Rigg [00:25:31]:
Yeah, and I would say that's true even if you don't go on to be in a long term relationship and marry the person. It's just like, can I allow myself to really receive the goodness of this experience irrespective of what happens? I think the more we shift away from some of those insecure patterns, the more we can just be open to presence and curiosity in the dating process, in getting to know someone. And even if it's not a great fit, you might just find yourself really nourished by a connection over dinner and talking to someone and feeling a level of authenticity and confidence within yourself. That can be a beautiful corrective experience, even if it doesn't go anywhere or nothing becomes of it. I think that think it we are, then the more we can take all of that in and really receive it and receive the benefit of it. Whereas when we're in that really constricted anxious space, it's just such a strong negative bias. So it's like everything feels like a failure or a setback, just not perfect. And that's what we're trained to see and that's really what we take in.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:26:43]:
Oh, I love that you're talking about this because one of the things I would want to share is this idea that really healthy, secure attachment is the foundation in dating. And so many of us, if we don't have that foundation, we're getting stuck in those anxious, avoidant or unhealthy relationship patterns. And that's kind of really easy to pull us in and just get us stuck in that place. But when we have secure as the foundation, then we get to this really juicy, fun, exciting level of dating where we're able to actually look at compatibility and values and how do I want to feel? It's almost like the next level. I know for a fact when I was in an insecure attachment place, dating was just kind of this challenge and I was so wrapped up in fear of abandonment that I just wanted to make somebody like me and choose me. I couldn't access compatibility because I was so focused just on that attachment level. So I just think it's so powerful when just as you said, you get to a secure place, you're in this abundance mindset, you know your worth and then you're just exploring compatibility and values and do I even like this person? Is this someone where our lifestyles match up? Right. It's just such a juicier, more fun place to be.
Stephanie Rigg [00:28:16]:
Yeah. And I think that everything you say there around the sole criterion being like, does this person like me? For a lot of people, particularly with more anxious attachment patterns, it's just like they really like me. So great, let's go. And there's no sense of reciprocity around, like, am I scoping out whether I like them or am I just feeling really flattered, lit up like that deeply unworthy part of me loves the attention and loves someone pursuing me. And that's kind of all I need to get myself hooked into the pattern. And I think that when we tend to that part of us so that it's not so susceptible to those little bursts of ego attention, then the much better place we are to have a balanced approach where we are there and we're thinking about like, as you say, how do I want to feel? What are my values? What are my non negotiables? What are the things that are really important to me in a partner, in a relationship? And I think the other side of that, it's kind of this balancing act of we want to have clarity. And we want to be able to advocate for those things. And we don't want to be too rigid or prescriptive, like, we want to be open to being surprised by someone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:29:32]:
And I think that having that secure base within ourselves allows us to walk that line in a way that, as you say, is kind of fun, or at least feels like a totally different energy to a very constricted, anxious, rigid way of doing things, which is just kind of bracing for fear and trying to get someone to like us, which is not fun. Right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:29:59]:
Yes. I think about this deep knowing of, hey, if I've already chosen myself and I know my worth, and I've released some of my unfinished business from the past, then I can really approach dating with this blank slate. And I'm not here trying to get you to choose me. I've chosen myself. And it is just such a different approach. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:30:29]:
And I imagine as well, a key piece of that is I'm not making it mean anything about me at a fundamental level. If you like me or you don't, or however it plays out, I can be somewhat. It's not that we become immune to that. I think you can be really securely attached and still have hurt feelings or be disappointed or upset if something doesn't work out and you were really excited about it, but you don't take that additional step of like, what's wrong with me? This always happens. No one's ever going to like me. Those old stories that come up and drag us down, I think you can just be with that, whatever the emotion is without taking that additional step of telling really painful stories about yourself and letting that impact your worth at a really fundamental level.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:31:18]:
Oh, it's so true. So true. And I think about all of my years of, I'll call it unconscious dating, where I did have all those negative beliefs about myself, and I would just use whatever negative experiences happened to me in dating as ways to confirm those really unhealthy beliefs about myself. So our brains are very good at looking to confirm whatever we believe and that we look to our environment. So that's why I really believe in doing this healing work and looking at your belief systems and releasing your past so that when you do go into dating, it's a blank slate weighed by all of that. Yes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:32:09]:
So if we were to pivot to giving people a bit of a sense of the how on all of this, I feel like we've painted the picture of why you'd want to do it and what's possible. What does the how look like I love this question.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:32:25]:
I think it's a very important one. One of the first pieces is the commitment of I really do want to work on myself and I know how important this work is. So just making that decision and releasing expectations on how long it's going to take it is a journey. So I think that's very important of I make the commitment, however long it takes. The second piece would be awareness. You have to understand what are my current patterns, what is my attachment style. And then I take my clients through something called a relationship inventory, where we really look at all the dynamics of past significant relationships. That's part of the awareness piece, processing those old woundings and being willing to look at it.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:33:17]:
I'm not one of those coaches who's going to come on here and say, oh, just write out the life that you want and say your affirmations and then you'll have exactly what you want. That's not how healing works. The only way forward is through, as you know. So I really believe in examining our past in the beginning. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:33:41]:
And I think that intention setting is great and conscious awareness is great. And as we talked about earlier, there's a doing piece here. We actually have to step out into the world and let our system, our being, live out another version of things. Because if we have a lot of evidence banked up as to why our old beliefs or our old experiences are true and the only way, then no amount of journaling or visioning is going to be enough to shift that. It's a really great start, but it's only part of the story there. And I think that having that lived experience is invaluable. We really can't land in that new reality until we're feeling it in our body in a really experiential way.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:34:37]:
Absolutely, yes. So, yeah, definitely the awareness piece, being willing to show up differently with behaviours as you're describing, and showing up with new ways of being. I also really believe in identifying your securely attached identity. So getting really familiar with what would secure attachment look like in practise. So many of us don't have that model, we wouldn't even know what it would be. So really defining your securely attached identity and then using self compassion, use it to realign with that securely attached self when needed. So I guess those are some of the core things. I know we could probably spend a few hours going over the exact path, but I really believe in awareness.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:35:36]:
Rewire your brain with really healthy beliefs about yourself and relationships. Learn about your securely attached identity. Create that very clearly and then practise showing up differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:35:51]:
Yeah, I would also add to that something that I will often say to people is like, when you're working on building your self worth in relationships or in dating, it can really help to work on building your self worth outside of that context as well. Because I think that particularly if you're, again, more anxious in your patterns and your tendency is for all roads to lead back to relationships. Right. Everything I'm doing, I'm doing it to find a partner and to be loved. I think sometimes if we're really laser focused on that, even if we're doing all this good work, can be with like, the strings attached of, I'm doing it so that someone will love. And so I think there can be huge benefit in broadening out our scope and going, okay, securely attached version of me would also have all of these other things going on in my life, right? And maybe I'd be practising more self discipline in other areas, maybe I'd be challenging myself, maybe I'd be taking up a hobby or whatever, but not having it all be in this very narrow funnel that is about securing a partner. Because I think the reality is that securely attached people do have much more balanced lives. And that sense of self worth is not just relational in nature, it's really essential to your identity and your self image.
Stephanie Rigg [00:37:18]:
And so I think that can be hugely helpful and pay really big dividends to broaden out the lens a little. And I know for me that that was a really big piece in building that up for myself and eventually leaving that relationship that I was in was that I was not even really focused on the relationship so much. I think I'd started to kind of detach from it, but I didn't quite have the courage or the confidence to pull the trigger and leave. But in the background, I was doing all of this stuff to really focus on, I suppose, anchoring in my own value and my own efficacy and capability. And these things that were not about love or romance or partnership, they were just about like, no, you're a valuable person and you've got this right, you're strong and you're capable. And I think that having those experiences in a kind of broad way can be really, really helpful. When it comes back to all of.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:38:19]:
This stuff, I love that you mentioned this. It's so powerful. I wrote a quote that did well on social media, and I think it's because it's a metaphor for this idea. But I said something along the lines of the kind of relationship where you're not my entire world, but you're my favourite continent to visit.
Stephanie Rigg [00:38:45]:
Yeah.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:38:46]:
Because I really love that idea. We cannot have our relationship be our entire world. It's not healthy for us. It's not healthy for our partners. My partner and I, three years together, we do something called solo Saturdays. We do whatever really fills us up as individuals on Saturdays. And we know that we need that time, and it's incredibly important. He's a fly fisherman.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:39:15]:
He loves fly fishing. And in my old relationships, I know I would have tried to force myself to take on his hobby to learn.
Stephanie Rigg [00:39:25]:
How to fly fish.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:39:26]:
I can't tell you how grateful I am that I am in this secure place. I am not buying a fly fishing rod. I'm not learning to fly fish. I celebrate that that's his. And I have my own hobbies. And it is very important to maintain that sense of self and you as the individual, knowing that that is so important to your own happiness and also to your ability to be a good partner.
Stephanie Rigg [00:39:55]:
Yeah, I completely agree. And I think the more that you can, if you're single at the moment, cultivate that really proactively and consciously and use that time when you do have more space to really figure that out for yourself. Because I think it's easy to fall into relationships and to get a little bit lazy and to kind of collapse into the relationship and kind of do everything together. It's like, figure that out while you're single. It's not that you can't do it while you're in a relationship, but it's a beautiful opportunity to figure that out while you're single and then be really aware of it and be really kind of diligent about keeping up those things. Because if for no other reason, then I think it's so rewarding on an individual kind of self level. But it's also much better for the relationship. It's much more attractive to have that separateness and to have distinctive lives rather than just to be kind of one entity again.
Stephanie Rigg [00:40:52]:
I think the insecure parts of us, particularly more anxious patterns, love that idea of just let's enmesh and become one, and then I'll feel safe because I'll have my claws sunk into you so deeply that I'll always know where you are, what you're doing, and I'll never lose you. Right? Yeah, but it's not sexy. Suck the oxygen out of it. Yeah. I think there's really a lot more to be gained from very deliberately fostering and holding on to that full, vibrant sense of self and then to be able to enjoy that in each other and appreciate that rather than becoming complacent and sloppy about those things.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:41:37]:
It's so true. Desire needs a bridge to cross, as Esther Perel says. We need that distance to be able to create desire. I say something much less sophisticated than that. I always say boundaries are hot. They really are. Boundaries are very attractive. So knowing what your boundaries are with your time and being able to maintain that no matter where you are in a relationship, I think that is one of the things that leads to healthy long term relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:42:15]:
Yeah, agreed. What would you say to people who are in the early stages of dating someone and who experience that urge to just fast track everything, to get to that place of certainty and kind of lock it down, because that in between space can feel really anxiety inducing, can feel really wobbly. What would be your advice for people who are in that kind of interim phase of dating?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:42:42]:
I definitely have a few pieces. One is something I call reality testing. It's something that's using cognitive behavioural therapy of slowing down and actually taking stock of what is the reality here. How much time have I spent with this person? What do I actually know about them? Given where we are, what is the appropriate emotional investment? And one way I like to really frame this is, is there enough secure attachment in the relationship? Aka, do I know this person well enough? Have they earned my vulnerability right? Has that been established enough to support the level of emotional investment? So sort of thinking about it as like the foundation of a house, if it's not there, then I can't build on it. And reminding yourself, you owe it to yourself to slow down. Let someone earn your vulnerability, let someone show you that they can build secure attachment and really pace your emotional investment.
Stephanie Rigg [00:43:59]:
Which can feel so counterintuitive for a lot of people, right? It's like the opposite of everything that their body's telling them to do, which is like, faster, faster, faster, faster. Let's jump ahead to the part where we've said I love you and we move in together and I don't have to deal with all of this uncertainty. But as you say, I think that skipping ahead can come at a cost because you're kind of building the walls without the foundation there, to use your analogy. And that typically comes back to bite you. You realise that you haven't really done the legwork to justify the level of emotional attachment and investment that you've poured into this thing. And then if it does crash and burn, it's going to hurt a lot more because we had so much riding on it, there was so much pressure on it, there was so much investment that was maybe just disproportionate to reality.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:44:57]:
Exactly. And think about yourself as an intentional investor. We'd say that with the stock market, it's no different with your relationships of, hey, I need to really know, is this right for me? And your energy, your time, your love, that is your most valuable resource. So really just seeing it as, hey, I really do need to be intentional with how I'm investing this. And just like in the stock market, we want return on investment in relationships. Is this creating secure attachment? Is this something that can grow? Do I feel how I want to feel? You need to be willing to slow down and be that love scientist that's gathering the data on those things. And yes, it is so hard when that's not what you're used to doing. It can feel so foreign.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:45:52]:
But remember, if you want a different result, you have to show up differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:45:58]:
Yeah. And I think also just reminding yourself that that urgency is, that's not a reliable feeling. Right. And that's probably not what we want to be, just blindly following. I think for a lot of people it's like, but if I slow down, what if they lose interest? It's like, probably not going to happen. And if it does, then that wasn't the person.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:46:23]:
Right.
Stephanie Rigg [00:46:24]:
If it's that feeble and flimsy that you slowing down and pacing this appropriately means they lose interest, then that's really good information too. Not your burst. If it's as amazing as it feels, it will still be there at a more sustainable pace and it'll probably be all the more amazing for you slowing down and taking that time. But as you say, I think that when we're trying to forge a new path, we have to be really prepared to not just do things because we feel a certain way. Well, I feel this, so I have to act in that way. Well, you have a little bit more agency than that. And reminding yourself of your capacity to choose something different, as strong as the feelings might be and it might be so overpowering, so overwhelming. But just like grounding yourself, coming back, okay, as you say right here, right now, what do I know to be true? What choices do I have available to me? What's the right thing for me to do? And hopefully on the other side of that process of kind of reorienting and grounding, it feels a little more spacious and a little less burgeon and catastrophic.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:47:42]:
Absolutely. I love how you describe that. I think about this in real life of, okay, you have the decision, what would that securely attached version of me do? And they probably wouldn't send the 17 text messages. They would go to yoga with their friends like they had planned. Right. We always have that option of, how am I showing up? What am I aligning with? And I'll tell you this. I think some of the first times you start to slow down and intentionally decide how empowering that is and learning, oh, I can slow down. I don't have to let my anxious brain or my avoidant brain decide what I do.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:48:27]:
I can be intentional and decide differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:48:30]:
Yeah. It's almost like knowing that your first thought is going to be probably coming from the old part and just, like, waiting for the second thought, slow it down and not just shoot from the hip, because there's a really good chance that that fear brain is going to be sending you down an old path that might not be where you want to be headed. So just knowing that about yourself, and I suppose it comes back to that self awareness, and that was a huge part of my journey and my growth is just like, being able to notice it being like, oh, that's my anxious brain telling me to do the anxious thing. And I don't have to follow that. I can actually choose something different. I think the more it's like doing reps of an exercise at the gym, the more reps you do, the easier it feels, the more confident you are in that being an option available to you. And over time, the new way feels more natural than the old way. And that's a really powerful thing to experience.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:49:31]:
It is. I love that you said that. That's so true. And I think early on it's hard to believe that, but we know that to be true, that it really can become your more natural way of being.
Stephanie Rigg [00:49:44]:
Thank goodness. I know. Thank goodness. It really is something for me when I think back to some of the things that I would do by default that now would be so unnatural, like in conflict or it's like I wouldn't reach for those things anymore. It's not how we do things, because I've actually got this new way that works a lot better for me and doesn't cost my system so much, and there's a lot of peace and relief in having that. So it's very important work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:50:15]:
Yes, it is. Yeah. And wow, what a gift you've given to your community. I've had the pleasure of listening to your show, and I'm just amazed at how much you've put out there and how good you are at explaining everything and sharing. I know you've helped so many people on their healing path.
Stephanie Rigg [00:50:38]:
Thank you. I really appreciate that. And likewise, it sounds like you're doing a lot of really important work and much needed. I know that so many listeners of the show are very much in this space and experiencing a lot of those patterns and repeat dynamics. I'm sure there's a lot of people who are going to get a lot of value out of today's conversation. Before we wrap up, where can people find you if they want to go deeper on your work or familiarise themselves with your podcast, Instagram, all of that sort of stuff?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:08]:
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. And really, the best place to connect with me is on my podcast. With over 400 episodes now, it's the let's get vulnerable podcast available anywhere podcasts are aired. And then I do also spend some time on Instagram, and that is at Dr. Morgan coaching. Dr. Morgan coaching.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:32]:
So happy to answer dms and I do a daily informational post there. But the podcast really is where all the juicy stuff is. So cheque out the let's get vulnerable podcast.
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:46]:
Perfect. And we will link all of that in the show notes. Well, Dr. Morgan, thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure. It's been so lovely to have you. Thank you so much for joining us.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:57]:
Thank you for having me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:59]:
This was lovely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:52:03]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Anxious attachment, self-worth, healthy dating, rejection, self-improvement, secure attachment, relational trauma, self-compassion, shame, self-criticism, corrective emotional experiences, solo Saturdays, desire, emotional investment, intentional investing, self-awareness, self-trust, fear, relationship dynamics, Stephanie Rigg, Dr. Morgan Anderson, attachment theory, secure identity, coaching business, emotionally unavailable partners, disorganised attachment, healing relationships, personal experiences, clinical psychologist
Why Avoidant People Tend to Struggle with Defensiveness
In today's episode, we're talking all about why avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness. While defensiveness is far from being the exclusive domain of avoidant attachment, many people will attest to the fact that avoidant folks are often quick to become defensive in response to relational tension or ruptures - and that this can form a key piece in the negative cycle of many anxious-avoidant relationships.
In today's episode, we're talking all about why avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness. While defensiveness is far from being the exclusive domain of avoidant attachment, many people will attest to the fact that avoidant folks are often quick to become defensive in response to relational tension or ruptures - and that this can form a key piece in the negative cycle of many anxious-avoidant relationships.
Understanding Defensiveness in Avoidant Partners: A Path to Deeper Connection
Navigating relationships can be a delicate dance, especially when it comes to understanding our partner's defensive behaviour. In a recent podcast episode, we delved into the topic of defensiveness in avoidant partners and how it can impact the dynamics of a relationship. Here, we explore the nuances of defensiveness and offer insights into how understanding and compassion can pave the way for deeper connection.
The Complexity of Defensiveness
It's not uncommon for individuals in relationships with avoidant partners to encounter defensiveness during conversations or conflicts. You may find yourself expressing a seemingly innocent comment or need, only to be met with a sudden and abrasive defensive response. This pattern can leave one feeling confused, hurt, and struggling to comprehend the origin of such reactions.
Avoidant Attachment and Defensiveness
Understanding the roots of avoidant attachment can shed light on why defensiveness becomes a go-to strategy for some individuals. Often, those with avoidant attachment patterns have learned to channel their efforts into being successful, competent, and productive as a means to gain validation and connection without engaging in emotionally vulnerable interactions. Therefore, when faced with expressions of need or emotional intensity, their defensive response serves as a protective shield against feelings of personal failure or unworthiness.
Compassion as the Bridge
Beneath the surface of defensive behaviour lies the tenderness and vulnerability of one's emotional landscape. By cultivating compassion and understanding for our avoidant partners, we gain insight into the depths of their defensive reactions. Recognising that defensiveness is a response rooted in self-protection can serve as a bridge to fostering deeper connection. Instead of immediately judging these responses as wrong or dismissive, approaching them with an open heart, curiosity, and compassion can pave the way for meaningful engagement and mutual understanding.
Expressing Needs in Relationships
For those with a more anxious orientation, expressing needs or concerns in a relationship can be particularly challenging when met with defensiveness. While there might be a desire to find the perfect script or tone to elicit a specific response, the path to deeper connection often lies in embracing vulnerability and honest, open-hearted communication. Engaging in conversations with a genuine spirit of curiosity and a willingness to be wrong or surprised can create the space for authentic, non-scripted interactions that drive growth and understanding.
Navigating Emotional Intensity
Another aspect to consider is the response of avoidant partners to emotional intensity. Struggling with their own emotional landscape, they might feel ill-equipped to handle intense emotional expressions from their partner. This discomfort may lead to defensive behaviours, such as dismissing or rejecting the validity of the emotions being expressed. Understanding this perspective highlights the need for empathetic communication that acknowledges the emotional challenges faced by avoidant partners.
Encouraging Growth and Understanding
In acknowledging the roots of defensive behaviour and underlying emotional vulnerabilities, a pathway to growth and understanding emerges. By validating and connecting with our partners on a compassionate level, we create opportunities for authentic engagement and nurturing of emotional intimacy. It's about recognising that every response from our partners is rooted in their own needs, fears, or pains and approaching these with an empathetic lens.
Closing Thoughts
Understanding defensiveness in avoidant partners is a significant step towards building healthier and more secure relationships. It’s an invitation to approach conversations and conflicts with open-heartedness, compassion, and a genuine willingness to understand the complexities of our partner's emotional landscape. While it can be challenging, this approach holds the potential to nurture deeper connections and pave the way for mutual growth and understanding within relationships.
In conclusion, fostering compassion and understanding towards our avoidant partners allows us to embrace vulnerability and non-scripted interactions, ultimately creating a space for authentic engagement and deeper emotional intimacy.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you experienced defensiveness or felt the need to defend yourself in your relationship dynamics, either as the avoidant partner or the anxious partner? How did you navigate or express this defensiveness?
Reflect on a recent conflict or disagreement in your relationship. How did defensiveness play a role in that situation, and what emotions or fears do you think were underlying the defensive responses from both you and your partner?
Have you ever felt dismissed or invalidated when expressing strong emotions or needs in a relationship? How did this make you feel, and how did you respond to your partner's defensiveness or dismissal?
From your perspective, what would be a healthy way to express needs or concerns in a relationship without triggering defensiveness in yourself or your partner? How can you balance being assertive with being compassionate towards your partner's vulnerabilities?
Consider how defensiveness may be linked to your or your partner's attachment styles. Do you notice patterns in how your attachment styles influence your reactions to conflict and emotional expression?
Reflect on a time when you struggled to show understanding and compassion towards your partner's defensiveness. What could you have done differently to foster a more open and empathetic communication in that situation?
How does vulnerability and openness contribute to reducing defensiveness in relationships? How comfortable are you with showing vulnerability, and how does it impact your interactions with your partner?
Think about a recent instance where you felt extremely emotional and your partner responded defensively. What do you think were the unspoken fears or discomforts that led to their defensive reaction, and how might you navigate these emotions together in the future?
Reflect on how self-worth and self-trust play a role in managing defensiveness. How does a strong sense of self-worth lead to healthier responses in challenging situations, and how does it influence your ability to trust yourself and your partner's intentions?
In what ways can you build a culture of openness and emotional safety in your relationship to reduce defensiveness and encourage honest communication? How do you think this would impact the overall dynamic and connection with your partner?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, I'm answering the question of why avoidant partners can struggle so much with defensiveness. So I'm often getting questions from folks who are more anxious leaning and who are in relationship with avoidant partners and who really struggle with this in conflict, in conversations, or maybe just in casual interactions, that there seems to be this real sensitivity and that their partners are very quick to become defensive. Often in response to things that can feel kind of innocuous, almost to the point where it feels like you don't really know what happened. You say something that you feel is pretty innocent and all of a sudden you're getting this big defensive response. It seems to escalate a topic of conversation or a rupture.
[00:01:21]:
It really takes the heat up very quickly in a way that can feel quite sudden and abrasive and confusing for you if you're on the receiving end of it. Now, of course, defensiveness is not something that is exclusive to avoidant folks, but I think it would be fair to say that it's a pretty common thing for people with more avoidant attachment patterns to really struggle with, and for that to be something that they lean on as a strategy to keep themselves safe, to protect themselves when they are feeling under attack. And it may be that their perception of what constitutes an attack might be quite different to yours, but that's all part of being in relationship, right, is recognising that our intention is not always the way something lands. And so trying to cultivate a level of understanding and curiosity for someone else's experience so that we're not just judging their responses as being wrong or bad and kind of vilifying them for that, we're actually approaching it with a bit more, as I said, curiosity, compassion, openness, non judgement, because that's really what's likely to get us the engagement that we're looking for, rather than just then making someone wrong for their defensiveness, which I think is where most of us go. And I know that for me, even still, it's a real practise of not immediately saying, why are you getting so defensive? You're being so unreasonable. Because that can be how it feels sometimes. And yet I think I certainly know from experience, and I'm guessing many of you listening will too, that that tends not to play very well. That if you start attacking someone for their defensive response, then that defensive response is likely to amplify rather than minimise.
[00:03:06]:
So that's what I'm going to be talking about today, sharing some thoughts on why, from what we know about avoidant attachment and its origins and the core wounds, why defensiveness arises as a really natural response and how we might start to work with that in a partner or even in yourself. Right. If you're listening to this and you notice that you have more of these defensive patterns, I think, as with anything, the more that we can bring consciousness to kind of connecting the dots on what purpose that behaviour is serving, then we're much better placed to come up with a healthier alternative and another way of doing things that meets the need or creates the safety, without having to rely on strategies that amplify conflict, that amplify disconnection, that amplify hurt and misunderstanding and leave us feeling worse off. So we'll be talking about all of that and more in today's episode. Before I dive into that, a quick reminder. You might have heard me share last week, or if you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen me share there, that I'm running a 28 day challenge called the secure self. It's kicking off on the 13 February and it's going to be all about building self worth and really understanding the different pillars of self worth. So if you followed me for a while, you might have heard me say before that I don't really love preaching self love advice, just telling people to love themselves more.
[00:04:38]:
And not that there's anything wrong with that, but I think that it just doesn't really land for a lot of people because no one really knows what it means and it feels really far away and hard to even imagine feeling self love if that's just not where you're starting from. And I think for a lot of us that is not where we're starting from. So I always tend to rely on concepts like self worth and self respect and self compassion, self discipline, self trust, which I feel more easily translate into tangible practises and acts and building blocks so that we can start to really repair that relationship that we have with ourselves, which is so foundational to any relationship that we'll ever have with anybody else. So I'm holding a 28 day challenge where we're going to have four weeks, four themes, an online community and two live calls. With me, so I'm hoping that it's going to be lots of fun. We've already had lots of people sign up in the last week, which is really great. And if that sounds interesting to you, it's all linked in the show notes if you want to cheque out the details. It's also hopefully relatively easy to find on my website, stephanierigg.com.
[00:05:42]:
So I'd love to see you there if you're interested. Okay, so let's talk about this avoidant attachment and defensiveness now, as I flagged in the introduction, and I want to emphasise here, that's not to say that every avoidant person is going to be really defensive and people who aren't avoidant won't struggle with defensiveness. I know for myself that I can be really defensive and really committed to seeing myself as right and as good. And to the extent that my partner, or anyone else for that matter, shares with me that they don't like something that I've done or that they've interpreted something that I've said as being other than what I intended in a way that I feel is an unfavourable depiction of me that's really hard for me to receive, and I do definitely feel defensive about that. It just tends to look different. Right. If you're more anxious and you have more of that people pleasing streak in you, then your defensiveness is likely to come out as more of a fawn type response. Right? It's more of a I've got to change your mind and kind of soften this and persuade you as to why I'm actually good and why you don't need to see me that way.
[00:06:55]:
But it tends to be through more engagement and more connection. Right. But ultimately it is a defensive response. It's not just accepting the way someone's perceived you and apologising for it, it's trying to persuade them as to why they're mistaken. So I think that's defensiveness as well. Right. And it's really important to recognise that rather than just again labelling someone else as defensive and letting ourselves off scot free. But what you're likely to see, if you have a more avoidant partner, their defensiveness is likely to take the form of more of a wall up, more of a quick smackdown response, kind of a batting back, a disengagement, an escalation.
[00:07:33]:
It is likely to be more of a fight response than your more fawning type response of going into that, like collapsing people pleasing thing of, I need to change your mind about me. The avoidant version of defensiveness is likely to be just trying to shut it down and block it out. And so it can look quite different, right. And that kind of defensiveness, because it's foreign to you as someone with more anxious attachment patterns. Foreign in the sense of that's not how you would approach it. It can feel like a bit of a slap in the face, or it can feel quite like an affront, something that you're unfamiliar with and uncomfortable with, and that can feel really threatening to your system. We know that anything that takes the shape of disconnection or pulling away is going to be really activating for you. And so when your partner becomes defensive, particularly if that's in response to you voicing a need or a concern, or expressing something that's not feeling great for you in the relationship, having them shut that down very quickly and disengage, can feel not only like you're a little bit shaken up by the rupture and the tension, but it can feel like a rejection of whatever you are bringing to them.
[00:08:46]:
And it's really easy to then fall into the story of you don't care about the hurt that I'm bringing to you, or the concern that I'm bringing to you, or whatever else it might be, because you're just totally unwilling to engage. And that obviously can exacerbate whatever pain we're in, because we then layer on all of these other stories of this person doesn't care about me at all because of the way that they're responding to me. If they cared about my emotions, if they cared about my well being, they would want to hear this. Now, as with all of these things, there's layers here and there's nuance and there's context. And on the one hand, I'd say that, yeah, of course, healthy, secure relationships. We want to create a culture and an environment in the relationship where concerns are welcomed and that each person is really genuinely invested in and wants to receive and hear whatever might be bothering the other as part of a commitment to the emotional hygiene of the relationship. And I think it's fair to say that most of us are not perfect in that respect. And for a lot of us, it is really hard to receive that.
[00:09:53]:
And defensiveness, I think the more we can really honestly see defensiveness as a fairly natural response to feeling attacked or caught off guard or villainized, being told that we're wrong or bad, when that just isn't our intention. Defensiveness really arises quite naturally. And so I think that it's useful in particular with avoidant attachment, because the expression of defensiveness can feel quite confronting, again, particularly if you're more anxious, and that's just not your style. It can be helpful in fostering that compassion and the humanness of it, really seeing into that humanness to understand what might be going on beneath the surface there. And for a lot of avoidant folks, they might not have really conscious awareness of this. It might not be a direct story that they're telling on the inside or their internal script. But what we know about avoidant attachment is that in the formation of that attachment style, those strategies, often what you'll see is a child who has had their emotional needs denied in some way. And because of that, they tend to channel their efforts into being successful, into achieving, into being good, being useful, being productive, all of these things that can get them the connection and the validation that they're yearning for without it being a direct emotional engagement in a way that, for whatever reason, has proven to be unsafe in their family system.
[00:11:30]:
And so because they've sort of switched that part of themselves off and really gone all in on being successful, being good, performing, achieving, being competent is a big one. Being, as I said, successful, this is really, really essential to their self image. And in order to feel like they're doing well and they're okay and they're a good person, they really need to feel like they're successful. And so oftentimes when we come into relationship and you've got an anxious partner who their blueprint tells them that it's really important to always be on the lookout for the bad things that might be happening or the ways in which our relationship is imperfect. And I'm going to bring all of those things to you because I really don't want anything bad to happen. And I feel like we have to get ahead of all of these potential leaky holes in the boat so that the ship doesn't sink, because that terrifies me. The idea of us not being together terrifies me. And so I think we should just talk about all the problems all the time to try and solve them.
[00:12:34]:
For someone who really prides themselves on feeling like they're doing a good job, that can feel like a constant bombardment of here are all the ways in which you are not measuring up, here are all the ways in which you are failing in being my partner. Here are all the ways in which I am disappointed in you, or you're falling short. And so defensiveness can arise in that context almost as a way to reconcile all of that and to make it not feel so big and not feel like such a personal failure. Because for someone to have to be on the receiving end of that when that's their story and that's the way they receive all of those things, is you are not good enough, you are failing. They kind of have to defend against that because it's just so painful, so deeply painful to their self image to receive it in that way. Even though that's not the way you intend it, as I'm sure it isn't for most people, it's not your intention to tell someone that they're a failure. But recognising that, that's often, whether it's conscious or not, how your partner is going to receive it, I think we can start to go, okay, maybe it's making a little more sense why my partner responds in that way to something like me expressing a need, me saying that I'd like more of this or less of that, or whatever it might be. And of course, there are better and worse ways to express needs that are more and less likely to elicit defensiveness.
[00:14:02]:
But even still, I think the simple fact of expressing a need sometimes, or expressing a concern or a boundary or a worry or an insecurity can be perceived as a personal attack on someone who has that sensitivity and that really strong commitment to wanting to be good. And I think the more we can feel into that and go, oh, this hurts you because you really, really want to feel like you're a great partner to me, then we can start to access some more of that compassion. And I think, as a side note, it's why it's so powerful to really reorient ourselves to the things that are going right in our relationship and really being very generous with our appreciation and vocalisation of those beings acknowledging what our partner is doing. Well, because that's the stuff that they really need to hear. Someone who really prides themselves on feeling like they're doing a good job, feeling like they're succeeding like that, you do appreciate them and you do see their efforts making sure that that really significantly outweighs, not even just that it's on a level playing field, that it really outweighs all of the things you're bringing to them that you're dissatisfied about. Right? Even though from your perspective, you're bringing those things with the good intention of wanting to make sure the relationship is really strong and healthy. So I think one other aspect of the defensiveness from the avoidant perspective can be when their partner is very emotional and because again, we know that for avoidant folks there can be almost an underdeveloped emotional landscape that, as I was explaining before in that avoidant attachment origin story, often that part of themselves gets siloed or kind of locked away because it wasn't nurtured in their family of origin and it wasn't really valued, it wasn't welcomed. And so they learn early on that that's not safe or that that's not going to get me what I need.
[00:16:02]:
And so there can be a real internal disconnect for avoidant folks where they're not really comfortable with their own big emotions. And so by extension, they don't really know what to do with someone else's big emotions. They can feel really ill equipped. Again, going back to the thing of I really like feeling competent and in control. If someone else has got really big emotions and I feel like it's my fault, or that they're really upset with me or disappointed, they're crying, they're overwhelmed, I really don't know how to handle that. And so defensiveness there, again, of course, if you're on the receiving end of it and you are really emotional and all you want is for someone to just see you and validate you and understand, having someone almost reject or dismiss you in that moment through their defensiveness can feel incredibly upsetting and like an abandonment in and of itself. Right. You're emotionally abandoning me in this moment when I so clearly need you to be there for me.
[00:16:55]:
But for the avoidant person, again, I know this is really hard to have compassion for if you've been on the other side of it and it's caused you a lot of hurt and pain, but if we can have that ability to just step outside of our experience and walk around the other side and look over the shoulder of our avoidant partner and understand that for them that is so frightening to be faced with someone who's got these really big feelings, emotions, very expressive in a way that might feel quite out of control, and they just feel totally ill equipped, like they do not know what to do with it. And you're expecting me to do something and I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. And so from that place, it might be safer for me to become defensive, to push that back onto you, to push the responsibility back onto you, to sort of say, that's not my problem, what do you want me to do about that? Or to try and undermine the validity of the emotions that you're expressing by saying that. I didn't mean to make you upset. So why are you so upset? Something in that vein that shifts the burden back onto you. When it feels like it's going to eat them alive, it's going to smother them and they're just not comfortable with being in that seat because they don't really have experience with it. It's not part of their toolkit, what they've really learned to do. So all of that to say there's a few different limbs there of why defensiveness might arise for someone with more avoidant patterns and why that.
[00:18:29]:
Again, as much as it can feel hurtful or abrasive or upsetting or dismissive on the surface, that when we peel back a layer and we go, what's this really about for this person? If defensiveness is a protective strategy, what are they protecting? What's the tenderness here that this person that I love is feeling that is leading them to have to come out with such a self protective response and to be able to do that, that's like really, really advanced relationship skills, right? To feel into that in a moment when we're feeling hurt and to be able to hold both of those things as true, to see someone's humanity, even when we feel hurt by their behaviour. So recognising all of that, and I think once we can start to see that and feel that and kind of touch that, then we have a much greater likelihood of being able to build a bridge between us. And whether that's voicing it and naming it and saying it feels like maybe you're feeling attacked and I'm really sorry, it's not my intention to attack you, but I can see that that's how you're feeling and I'm really sorry. Speaking to the pain that you think they might be in, speaking to the fear or the sensitivity and owning that, even though that's not what you intended, that that might be the consequence and kind of opening up the conversation for them to share that there's much more engagement, right. Potential there. Because all of a sudden you're not making them the bad guy, you're not making them the villain in a really express way. Even if, as I said, that wasn't your initial intention anyway, obviously, when defensiveness is arising, irrespective of your intention, irrespective of your delivery, that's how it's landing, right? And that's not your fault. We need to kind of remove this whole paradigm of fault and villain, victim and blame, and just go, okay, this is what is right.
[00:20:36]:
Now you are feeling that even though that's the opposite of what I wanted, that is real and true. And so if I'm going to be a good partner in this moment, if I'm going to be open hearted, then my role is to validate that. Validate how divincies you're being and really recognise that. I guess the final thing that I'd add to all of that is if you're someone with more anxious patterns and you're listening to this and you were hoping that I was going to give you the perfect script to deliver the voicing of a need in a way where your partner was guaranteed to not get defensive. I can't give you that. Right. And I wouldn't want to give you that because I think a really big part of your work, as someone who's more anxious, I say your work, but it's also part of my ongoing work, is recognising that I can only control so much and that it's much less about delivering the perfect script in the perfect way with the perfect tone, so that my partner responds in the exact way that I want. That's really just me being controlling and manipulative.
[00:21:44]:
Right. It might be with the good intention of avoiding conflict or getting a need met, but it's kind of an overreach. Right. It's that over functioning. If I can just tiptoe around everything and do it in the perfect way, then I'll never have to rock the boat. So it's really an extension of my stuff, or your stuff to be doing it in that way. And so I really think the better approach is actually to just wade into the messiness of it and to be honest and open hearted and to share what you're needing to share and to be willing to be wrong or be willing to apologise, be willing to kind of see what happens in a conversation and be surprised, rather than needing to rehearse it a million times and putting this huge amount of pressure on yourself to curate the moment so that it plays out the way that you want, and then blaming yourself if it doesn't. Or blaming them because they're so unreasonable because you said it in the perfect way and they still got defend right.
[00:22:44]:
All of that is really. Even though, as I said, it's coming from a good place. I'm sure that is actually keeping you entrenched in the same patterns, because it's an extension of that part of you that just wants to eliminate risk and control everything rather than actually be vulnerable. So trust that with a level of open heartedness with a level of genuine curiosity. So, like, I'm showing up to this moment with totally fresh eyes and no expectations and I'm just going to see what happens and see what's here and ask questions and listen to the answers, right? I'm not going to coach you. I'm not going to try and steer you one way or the other. I just want to be in this moment, present with you and see what happens, see what might be different from that place. Because, as you will have heard me speak about before, so much of what we transmit to each other in particularly intense moments when our nervous system is really on high alert.
[00:23:48]:
So much of it is nonverbal and so much of it is way beyond anything we could ever write down in a neat script. So I think that recognising that so much of our communication is from the heart and from the body rather than the words that we say, and feeling into our responsibility there and recognising how powerful it is when we start to change the way that we show up in that respect and just trusting that we can figure it out. And that even though the person that we're in a relationship with might not always respond the way we want, that every response is based in some sort of need or some sort of pain or some sort of fear. And that if we really want to build healthy relationships that are based on deep compassion and security and care, that that's part of our responsibility, is to seek to understand our partner's pain and fear and sensitivities, rather than just trying to make them suppress that or convince them why they don't need to feel that way. Because it's uncomfortable for us. So I hope that that's given you some insights, something to think about, something to reflect upon and maybe some takeaways, if this is a dynamic that exists in your relationship and something that you can take into the next time you encounter this, because you will, it's still something that I encounter all the time in my relationship, in myself, in my partner. So it's not one of those things that we're just going to eradicate because it's a human thing, right? Defensiveness is a very, very natural response and it's more about understanding the why of it rather than needing to eradicate it or make it stop or make it go away. I think we just have to change how we relate to these things and how we respond to them.
[00:25:45]:
Because that's really where our growth lies and that's where we can make a lot of progress in our connection with each other. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you tuning in. For anyone who leaves reviews and ratings, I read every single one of them, and I'm so appreciative always for your beautiful words. So thank you and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:26:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, avoidant partners, defensiveness, anxious leaning, conflict, communication, connection, understanding, compassion, self-worth, self-love, emotional needs, emotional hygiene, secure relationships, emotional awareness, emotional response, emotional landscape, communication skills, emotional regulation, vulnerability, compassion, relationship dynamics, nonverbal communication, insecurity, emotional wellbeing, sensitivity, emotional support, anxiety, self-reflection.
Q&A: Mismatched Libido & Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Dynamics
Mismatched libido in a relationship is a challenge that a lot of couples face. In today’s episode, I’ll be answering a listener's question of how to navigate mismatched libido in a relationship, particularly in an anxious-avoidant dynamic. I’ll guide you on strategies to break the anxious-avoidant spiral, by initiating open dialogue and finding a middle ground between both partners.
Mismatched libido in a relationship is a challenge that a lot of couples face. In today’s episode, I’ll be answering a listener's question of how to navigate mismatched libido in a relationship, particularly in an anxious-avoidant dynamic. I’ll guide you on strategies to break the anxious-avoidant spiral, by initiating open dialogue and finding a middle ground between both partners.
We’ll cover:
It’s not going to be 100% aligned all the time
How sex shows up for anxious and avoidant attachment styles
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code PODCAST50 for 50% off the Sex and Attachment Masterclass
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode I am answering the listener’s question of how to navigate mismatched libido in a relationship and particularly in anxious, avoidant kind of dynamic. So this is something that I've touched on before on the show, but I haven't very recently and it is such a common experience and I think unfortunately one that doesn't get talked about anywhere near enough. And so, so many people end up feeling really lonely and isolated and convincing themselves that it's just them and everyone else is having really great sex and a really thriving sex life and they are alone in their struggle.
[00:01:04]:
I can tell you from the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories all the time that that is far from the truth and so many people are struggling with this. So with one partner wanting sex more than the other and all of the things that can flow from that the shame, the conflict, the sense of rejection and unworthiness and worrying about the relationship not really knowing how to connect internalising that taking it very personally. All of these things are so much more common than you would realise and I think, as I said, really important to talk about so that we can destigmatize that a little and hopefully empower ourselves to feel like we have more agency in how to talk about it and how to approach finding a solution. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And as I said, we'll be looking at it with a bit of an attachment overlay because often sex and attachment are spoken about in isolation. When really if attachment is looking at the way that we relate to and experience intimacy and what fears we might have around that, it makes sense that sex would bring those wounds to the forefront in very profound ways. And that has certainly been my observation and my personal experience as well. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:19]:
Before we dive into that, I did just want to flag that one of my Master classes on my website is called Sex and Attachment and it's over 2 hours. Just on this topic, I've created a discount code for you. If anyone listens to today's episode and feels like they could use a little bit more of a deep dive on this topic or you're just interested to learn more, you can use the code podcast 50 or One Word and we'll link all of that in the show notes to save 50% on that Masterclass. That's less than $50 that it'll come to for you. So yes, as I said, if you're interested in learning more about sex and attachment, which I think most all of us should be because it's such an important area of relationships, definitely go and cheque that one out. Okay, so let's talk about this mismatched libido and anxious avoidant sexual dynamics. Even as I say that it's such a big topic I don't even know where to begin. Maybe we can start by acknowledging that mismatched libido is incredibly common.
[00:03:15]:
If we think about libido as being this combination of our desire for sex, interacting with all of the reasons why we wouldn't want to have sex at any given moment, most often that's around stress. So our brain is going through this process of basically tallying up reasons for and against having sex. And some of us are really sensitive to the reasons against so that if there's any slight reason against having sex, we have no interest in sex, and we really don't want to go there, whereas some of us really are quite open to having sex most of the time, and we don't place a lot of weight on the reasons why we wouldn't want to have sex. And so when we've all got these complex equations going on with all of these different inputs and our levels of openness to sex at any given moment, is it any wonder that mismatched libido is so common? Of course it is. Right? It's so personal when and under what circumstances we feel like being intimate with a partner. And so when we've got two people with their own sets of equations and circumstances, it's rare that it's just going to organically line up all of the time. So mismatched libido is something that most people will encounter at some point in some season in one or more of the relationships in their life. So it's really not something to be ashamed of.
[00:04:34]:
It's just part of navigating relationships, is that you're likely to have to negotiate a little on this because it's unlikely you're going to just start and finish at the same point, pardon the pun, but you're not going to be 100% aligned on that all the time just because you're different people with different experiences. So recognising that libido is not something that's objective in terms of what is normal, right? And ask anyone, any experts in the field of sexuality, there's no objective metric for what a normal amount of sex is or what a healthy amount of sex is. A standard libido is wanting sex x amount of it's not like that. It's really what's normal for you and what allows you to feel like your sexual needs are being satisfied and is not causing you any distress. So if you're having sex three times a year, but that is perfectly fine for you, then that's your normal and that's fine. Whereas someone else might need to be having sex three times a week minimum to be feeling like their sexual needs are being met. And part of being in relationship with someone is negotiating your needs to the extent that there are divergences and finding ways to meet in the middle or find ways for both of you to get your needs met. To the extent that there are vast differences in your needs that feel like you can't bridge the gap, then maybe you're not compatible, right? But before we get to not compatible, let's look at some of the ways that this might show up in relationship and particularly why it might be present in anxious avoidant dynamics and why it might cause particular distress in those dynamics.
[00:06:08]:
So, for anxiously attached people, sex is often used as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. So if my partner wants sex and we're having sex and they seem to be sexually satisfied, then I feel safe and reassured and wanted and desired and all of those things. And that's like a big tick in terms of I can relax because there's nothing wrong, right? I use sex as the litmus test for whether the relationship is going well overall and because anxiously attached people tend to struggle with unworthiness and fears of being undesirable and also jealousy or fears about potential infidelity or just outside threats to the relationship, sex feels like a really important glue to hold things together. And so, to the extent that there's any change in the sexual dynamic or their partner pulls away sexually or loses interest sexually, even if just for a period of time, the anxiously attached person is likely to take that and spin it into a really catastrophic story. So the interpretation is likely to be very severe. There's something terribly wrong. They've lost interest in me, they don't find me attractive anymore, they're falling out of love with me, they're seeing someone else, there's someone else they're interested in and that's why they don't want me. All of these things are likely to go to existential threats to the relationship just because that's what we know anxious folks do.
[00:07:29]:
And so what often happens and why this can be such a predictable cycle is that at the start of a relationship between an anxious person and an avoidant person is there'll often be a lot of sexual chemistry and intensity as there tends to be in most relationships, certainly here. And then as the relationship progresses, becomes a little more serious and a little more stable and steady, the avoidant person will often start to pull away and they often won't really have a solid understanding of why that's happening for them. They might just have this inexplicable loss of desire or reduction in desire and attraction. And for the avoidant person they might start to make meaning out of that and go oh, maybe this means it's not the right relationship. What is often happening is that for avoidant folks, they don't really know how to desire someone that they love and someone that is a comfortable person who they have a level of intimacy and vulnerability with. For most avoidant folks, I think it would be fair to say that more casual sexual encounters are going to be more comfortable than more intimate ones. And that's kind of just the opposite for a lot of anxious people who go the more intimacy the better. But for avoidant folks, sex is vulnerable for all of us and it's really how we relate to that vulnerability that can change how we respond to that, to the idea of sexual intimacy.
[00:08:50]:
So for a lot of avoidant people, they won't really know how to have sex in a vulnerable way with someone that they love and so they can start to experience this withdrawal. And when that happens, the anxious person responds by testing escalating, upping the ante, trying to figure out if it's just all in their head or whether something really is wrong. So they might try and initiate more frequently, might try and be more affectionate with their partner to see whether they pull away or whether they're open receptive. And so the anxious person gets to work on gathering information and trying to test their hypothesis. And oftentimes the avoidant person feels that additional pressure pulls away more because they just feel overwhelmed. And then the anxious person goes well yes, I was right, they are pulling away, something really is wrong. And then it spirals and spirals because as one person escalates and the other pulls away and there's no actual open dialogue about anything, it's just both people living in these fear stories and whatever their self protective mechanisms are that just happen to be in direct opposition. So that's kind of a dynamic that I've previously termed the anxious avoidant sexual spiral.
[00:09:57]:
And you can probably imagine why if you've experienced it, I've experienced it, it's hard and it's really, really easy to internalise their stories of what's wrong? What have I done? Has something happened? Why do they not find me attractive anymore? What do I need to change about myself in order for them to desire me? Again, as is often the case, we take someone's behaviour and we make it about us and then we try and solve the problem by solving ourselves. And needless to say, that's really painful because usually it doesn't work and then we just feel like we failed and there's something really inherently wrong with us and the relationship. So all of that to say, there's a lot at play here and I think the first step in making any sort of headway here is can I depersonalise this? Now, I'm not going to tell you to not be impacted by it because I know that's not realistic and I can't even do that myself, right? Because it hurts and it's really easy to take that personally and to feel hurt by it. And that's I think totally fair enough. But we want to just interrupt between hurt and there's something wrong with me where that story starts to take root. That's what we want to interrupt and just soften away that story rather than feeding that and going, okay, this is uncomfortable, or this is painful. How can I change myself or do things differently or start frantically over functioning to try and get this person to want me? Because that's really kind of overstepping on where our responsibility lies. And we tend to then, as I said, feel like a failure if and when that doesn't work, which it usually doesn't.
[00:11:36]:
So can we hold on to the primary emotion of oh, this feels uncomfortable, this feels scary, I feel rejected, which is not good, I feel embarrassed. Even all of those things really normal. But can we just nudge in between that and the stories that spring from it and try and be really careful there so that we don't add more suffering to what is already a painful experience? I think when we can do that, we can also tend to those emotions more skillfully and we can share with our partner from a place that is self honouring and honest without being really, really charged with all those stories that we've been crafting and spinning around in our head. So being able to say to someone, look, it's really important to me and I really value when we're intimate and I've noticed that recently you've been less open to that. Is that something that you'd be willing to talk about? Is there something going on for you? And really being open minded and curious rather than projecting all of the fears and the hypotheses that you might have as to what's going on for them, seeking to understand. And if they are reluctant to have the conversation, you can kind of say, look, I get it. I get that this is really uncomfortable. It's not really comfortable for me either, but it's important to me.
[00:12:51]:
We don't have to have the conversation right now, but we do need to have it because it's important to me that we nurture this part of our relationship. And I really want us to be able to do that in a way that feels safe and good for both of us and here's what I'd need in that respect. So really being firm but compassionate in the way that you approach the conversation with your partner and emphasising everything that I've shared with you, that it's not something to be ashamed of. Mismatched libido is super common and stress is such a big part of it. So having a little more awareness around what goes into our experience of sexual desire, what we call libido, and tinkering with the variables. So if I know that being really tired at the end of the day is not conducive to sexual desire, then maybe you need to reverse engineer your environment to be trying to initiate sex at other times of day when your partner is likely to be more conducive. Or if you know that when you guys don't have enough space and privacy, then that makes you more stressed than allows for an enjoyable experience. Right? We need to get really clear and specific on what factors contribute to and detract from our experience of desire in a way that allows us to get really pragmatic and just help ourselves out rather than being very passive and then hoping for a miracle and then feeling awful when things aren't going the way we'd hoped.
[00:14:20]:
So I think we need to dispel this idea that sex should be really effortless and romantic and easeful all the time and really go, okay, if this is something that we're prioritising in our relationship, like any other thing, any other type of quality time, then we need to prioritise it and stop just waiting for it to happen or to improve or whatever. That's not going to happen on its own. So going if this is something that we both value about our relationship, then we're going to need to be really active participants in that process and in making it really great. And again, some people will have resistance to that. Your partner might be of the view that it shouldn't be hard and that it should just come easily and that there's something wrong if it's not really natural and easeful. And I think you've just got to say to them, look, I understand that that's the messaging we've gotten, but I just don't think that that's true. And I think that that can be a defence mechanism that people come up with. It's like, oh, it shouldn't be this hard and that's why I'll just kind of run away and go find someone else where it'll all be easier and I'll just get to start from scratch.
[00:15:24]:
I think that that's just a defence mechanism that allows us to move away from vulnerability and convince ourselves that with the perfect person it'll all be easy. And of course, we know that that is unfortunately a myth. So I hope that this has given you at least a starting point. Obviously this is a huge discussion. I have had a few episodes previously around sex and sexual communication and sexual dynamics. You can scroll back through the archives if you want to listen to more on the podcast or as I said, the sex and attachment masterclass is very much a comprehensive deep dive on this issue and you can use the code podcast 50 to save 50% on that masterclass which we will link in the show notes. Or you can find via my website. Otherwise I really hope that this has been helpful and if it has, please do leave a review or a five star rating.
[00:16:11]:
I really do appreciate so much your ongoing support of the show and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Attachment Styles & Break-Ups
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups. While of course, break-ups are messy, personal and far from formulaic, there are undeniably certain themes in how our break-ups feel that can be traced to our attachment patterns.
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups. While of course, break-ups are messy, personal and far from formulaic, there are undeniably certain themes in how our break-ups feel that can be traced to our attachment patterns.
Understanding the ways in which attachment drives can shape how we relate to and experience break-ups is essential in finding greater compassion for our own experience, and depersonalising someone else’s behaviour to the extent that they’re processing the transition differently to us.
Use the code PHOENIX to save $150 off Higher Love -
stephanierigg.com/higher-love
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking all about breakups and specifically how different attachment styles, people with different attachment patterns are likely to experience and respond to breakups. So I know I say this at the start of every episode, but this is something that I get asked about a lot, particularly from my anxious attachers. No surprises there. And people wondering a why breakups feel so intensely hard for people with anxious attachment patterns, but also desperately trying to decipher what their often avoidant leaning ex partner is thinking, feeling why would they do this? Why aren't they doing that? And while you would know, if you're familiar with my work, my approach that I usually will politely decline to join you in analysing and hypothesising about someone's behaviour, why would they do this? What does it mean when they do that? I think that playing that game actually just keeps us more stuck and so I usually opt out of that and gently discourage you from spending too much time and energy in that, spinning around in the hypothesising.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:44]:
At the same time, there are some clearly observed differences in the way that folks with anxious attachment patterns tend to process and experience a breakup compared with those who have more avoided patterns. And I think that in having a conversation around this we can cultivate greater understanding and be less inclined to project our own way onto the other person's behaviour and interpret accordingly. So I think again, and we do this all throughout relationships, right? All throughout the life cycle of a relationship. I think without conscious awareness, we do tend to project and receive someone's behaviour as what it would mean if we did that, notwithstanding that we're coming from completely different places, we have completely different sensitivities and values and all of those things. We put ourselves in their shoes and then construct meaning and it tends to give a very inaccurate and distorted and one sided view of things, which, spoiler alert, usually makes things worse because we then craft these painful stories out of it. So
I'm hoping that in today's episode I can give you a bit more context for that and probably more of an insight into that avoidant experience post breakup, so that you can understand that, depersonalise it a little and hopefully keep your eyes on your own paper, stay in your own lane a little, and support yourself as best you can. If you are going through a breakup, or maybe you've been through a breakup and you've had a lot of unanswered questions and wondered these same things, so hopefully I can give you some insights there. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:31]:
The first being you might have heard me announce that I'm holding a Live Master class in a couple of weeks time on Building Trust. So this will be a 90 minutes. Although in the past I've tended to go a little overtime, so probably 90 minutes to 2 hours. Live Masterclass where we'll be talking all about trust, both self trust and relational trust, how to build trust, looking at trust wounds, rebuilding after infidelity, whether you've got kind of legacy trust issues from a previous relationship, how to learn to trust yourself more, intuition, all of those topics will be woven in. Even as I'm saying this, I'm wondering how I'm going to fit it all into 2 hours. But anyway, that's what we're going to do. If you'd like to come along to that. I would love to see as many of you there as possible.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:17]:
There will be a recording that you'll have access to afterwards as well. If you're unable to join Live or you just want to revisit the material and you can find the link to that in the show notes or directly on my website. Second quick announcements just to share the featured review, which is I've listened to a few episodes and already learnt so much.
Stephanie's calm, kind, compassionate approach is helping me understand relationships and myself at a deeper level. Thank you Stephanie. Keep on making a difference. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you are new to the show and already seeing an impact in your life and the way you're relating to yourself and others.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:55]:
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Masterclasses, which includes, if you would like, a free ticket to the Rebuilding Trust Live Masterclass so you can choose that one rather than one of my preexisting Masterclasses if you so desire.
Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around attachment and breakups. So I've spoken at length on the show and elsewhere around anxious attachment and breakups and I'll give a bit of a recap on that for anyone who needs a refresher. Or perhaps if you haven't listened to me speak about this before. For anxiously attached people, breakups tend to be very, very challenging. We know that for anxious folks, connection is a very, very high ranking need and the relationship tends to be our anchor and our source of safety. We really lean on the relationship as giving us identity, as giving us purpose. We tend to orbit around that and really prioritise the relationship above the other pillars of our life.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:03]:
And while that's not, oh, you're so anxious and clingy and needy because of those traits or preferences, it's normal. I would say that folks with secure attachment patterns also find their relationship to be a source of security and comfort and stability and they prioritise it. And that's not an anxious trope. Anxious folks tend to over index on their relationship to the exclusion of other areas of their life or to the detriment of other areas of their life which can be neglected in favour of putting the relationship first. Above. All else, and particularly if a relationship is under stress or strain, the anxious person will up the ante on how much time and energy they are devoting to being around their partner, trying to fix the relationship, thinking about the relationship. All of your internal resources are going to be funnelled into like Operation Save This Sinking Ship, right? And so the irony there being that as you keep ramping up your efforts, as the relationship becomes more and more strained, if you do then find yourself in this situation of a breakup, the relationship has ended, you've expended all this energy trying to save it and you're left really empty handed. And it can be a double edged sword because you feel this sense of failure that you weren't able to salvage the relationship and at the same time you then turn around and look at the rest of your life and there's not much happening because you became so laser focused on the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:47]:
And you might have neglected friendships. You might have isolated yourself. You might have stopped doing whatever else you usually do. You might have abandoned your regular routines or become disengaged from work or any number of other things because you were so focused on the relationship and trying to stop it from ending when it was feeling really dire. And so for the anxious person, there are so many different layers of struggle here. Not only have they lost this anchor and this safety blanket, but there's a sense of failure, there's the sense of the unknown, of uncertainty. All of these things are big triggers for people who struggle with anxiety and usually try and manage that anxiety through control and creating predictability, through focusing on another person and their needs. All of these patterns that are pretty common among most anxiously attached people.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:47]:
You've got all of this kind of energy that you are used to heaping onto someone else and a relationship and all of a sudden you don't know what to do with yourself. And that can feel just incredibly uncomfortable and you can feel almost frantic and panicked and very, very overwhelmed by that experience. Being in the void of all of that is just deeply uncomfortable. And so many anxiously attached folks will just spin out after a breakup and feel this overwhelming urge to reconnect with their partner. Not knowing how your partner is thinking or feeling, if you're not in contact with them, that is also likely to be incredibly difficult. So all of a sudden, this person who you're used to having access to and you're accustomed to feeling entitled to speak to them and to know how they're feeling and to know what they're doing and who they're spending. Time with and all of those things, all of a sudden you kind of overnight you lose jurisdiction over that and that can feel again for someone whose tendencies to create safety via a level of control and oversight feeling. Like you've just lost power there and that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they're thinking, to know what they're feeling, to know what they're doing with their time, who they're seeing, all of those things that is likely to send you into spirals of stress and panic and anxiety and jealousy and all of those other things.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:19]:
And I think that behaviours like stalking their social media and when have they been online and who have they been talking to? Oh, did they just start following this person? Is that some all of that stuff, which I'm sure you're listening and some of you will be sheepishly raising your hand and going, yep, that's me done that. I get it, you are not alone. A lot of people do. I've done that before. It's a really easy trap to fall into just feeling like we need to gather information to somehow arm ourselves because that's just what we know to do. But of course, none of that is really helping us. And as always, the healing and the growth and the thing we really need, the medicine that we need, even though it's not what we want, is to turn from our obsessive focus on the other back to ourselves. Go, okay, I am feeling all of these big feelings.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:15]:
I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling rejected, I'm feeling a sense of failure and humiliation and shame and loss and grief. And instead of being with those feelings, I am trying to fix or distract or avoid or get away from the immense overwhelm that comes with all of that big emotion because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle it right, because we are so accustomed to the other person providing the safety. So I think that the very best thing we can do, as much as it's the last thing that we would do by instinct or impulse is actually to just focus on ourselves and try and release the grip, to surrender to the fact that we are no longer in control of this person. Not that we ever were, but we really now, as I said, we don't have jurisdiction over that anymore and obsessing over them and what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they're feeling is very much our way of trying to create a sense of control when we're feeling out of control. And so I think the best thing we can do is offer ourselves a more adaptive strategy which is going to be focusing on us. That is really the task of people with anxious attachment patterns, whether you're in a relationship or not, if you want to really work on healing and growing and cultivating a greater sense of security. You need to rebuild the foundations within yourself because that's where you are perhaps underdeveloped because you've been so accustomed to focusing on the other person. You need to start laying those bricks of self worth and self respect and self trust and self compassion, self esteem.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:58]:
Those are the things that allow you to stand on your own. 2ft. To go to relationship with a strong sense of self and really love with an open heart rather than love someone with a lot of fear behind it and a need to control and grip and cling and all of those things. So that is your work and I really think that a breakup is a beautiful opportunity to take stock and to really look at that and go, okay, what are the lessons learned and what is next? That turned into a little bit of a soapbox pep talk for my anxious attaches. That was meant to be a quick setting of the scene. But anyway, we're now going to talk about the avoidant experience, which spoiler alert, is not what I just described in 99% of cases. And of course I will give the caveat that I should have done this at the start that of course everyone's different, right? To say like anxious people do this and avoidant people do that, universally categorically, the end overly simplistic. So this is not gospel, this is not universal, but it is often true in a general sense.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:05]:
And that is to say that for avoidant leaning folk you'll recall I was saying, as a relationship becomes more strained towards the end, anxious folks dial up the intensity and they ramp up their attempts at fixing, saving, controlling, getting closer, problem solving. One more chance they might engage in more conflict and more demands in this desperate effort to get engagement and to turn the ship around. Avoidant folks, as things get more strained, become more and more overwhelmed and it just SAPS them of energy. It's like it drains the battery so fast because avoidant folks really value relational harmony and for them to feel like a relationship is just constant work, that is a very exhausting experience. I think it's exhausting for anxious folks as well, but it's not exhausting in the sense of like I can't do this, I'm out. Anxious leaning people tend to roll up their sleeves and want to do that work kind of relentlessly rather than walking away and deciding it's too much. For avoidant folks, I think that that just becomes more trouble than it's worth. And reminding ourselves that there is a really different baseline in terms of need to be in a relationship and if aloneness is comfortable, that is the comfort zone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:37]:
For a lot of people with avoidant patterns, the being in a relationship is the thing that is challenging them. And so as soon as the relationship becomes consistently tense and strained and conflict ridden, and they're feeling like they're under attack the whole time or like they're constantly being dragged into a three hour long conversation every other day where someone is highly emotional and you're going around in circles. That is not what an avoidant person, they don't get a lot out of that and that can just very quickly tip the scales in favour of this isn't working, this is costing me more than it's giving to me, it's too much, it's too exhausting, it's not working. And so when the relationship has been like that in the lead up to a breakup, the first thing that most avoidant people are going to feel is a sense of relief. There will be this sense of like, okay, I was feeling all of that stress and now that stress is alleviated and I feel free again and I feel relief and it's not like free, woohoo, I'm going to go out and sleep with a bunch of people. I mean, some people might do that and whatever, but I think that to suggest that it's freedom in the sense of, oh, now I'm single, like it's party time. I don't think that that's true. I think it is just a lifting of a huge emotional burden that comes with relational tension over time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:06]:
And so for avoidant folks, there is this sense of probably peace and relief retreating to an environment of aloneness where they feel like they're back in control and they don't feel like a failure and a disappointment. Someone's always upset with them and wanting things from them that they can't give. And so you might see that an avoidant person after a breakup is likely to seem pretty fine, particularly at the start. So they might seem to be pretty okay. And you might see them socialising a lot, they might distract themselves because like you, they don't know how to be with those big emotions that might be underneath that relief, but their way of coping with that. Whereas the anxious person tries to get away from those emotions by obsessing over the intellectualization of them and trying to find information and focusing on the other person and trying to solve the problem. Avoidant person tends to avoid and distract and numb. So they might go out and socialise a lot, they might throw themselves into work, they might take up a new hobby or something.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:17]:
They might just go all in on other areas of life in a way that from the outside, if you're looking at them and you're following them on social media or whatever, you might look and just see them seemingly being fine and looking even like they're thriving. And that's probably pretty excruciating for you if you are more anxious. Because again, as I said at the start, you are interpreting what you are seeing through the lens of what it would mean if you were doing that. So for you, if you a week after a breakup were out socialising heaps and maybe going on a trip or all of those things are unfathomable because you're in this really dark place, you're going, wow, for me to be in that place, I must not care at all. I would have to not care at all. I would have to not miss them at all. I would have to have not even really loved them. I didn't value the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:09]:
That's the only way that I could be ready for all of that. But that is just such a projection coming from a very different starting point and a very different experience and emotional landscape and way of coping with things. So while that's likely to be the avoidant person's initial experience, what will often happen is that a few weeks might go by, a month might go by, and then they might start to kind of really come to terms with what's happened. And that initial experience of relief might become something a little bit more sad, or having that grief come up, probably not in the same intense, overwhelming or consuming way as anxious person would, but still like having the, oh, that's sad, I miss them. And this is where you'll see people reaching out or they might like your Instagram story or send a casual message saying, hey, how are you? And I always get anxious attaches going, why would they send me a message? Why would they do that? I haven't heard from them for three weeks and all of a sudden they get this random message. Often that is what's happening, that they've kind of come through the fog of that initial period and realised what's happened. And again, people go, oh, if they missed me, does that mean we should get back together? You know, a lot of you would know that my take on that is not that getting back together is a bad thing or that you should never do that. But I think it's got to be based on a whole lot more than missing each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:44]:
Because that's just going to lead you right back to where you started and you'll be in the same patterns and the same dynamics. As soon as you have that temporary relief of getting back together, you haven't actually resolved anything substantively. There's a really good chance that you'll be right back where you started. But that is kind of the arc or the trajectory that you could expect from a lot of folks with avoidant patterns is that they will seem to be fine and then they might have a bit of a hangover. But it's kind of a delay because of that initial experience of relief and feeling like, oh, thank God I'm not in the midst of that really high conflict, intense, overwhelming dynamic, which is what the tone of a lot of these relationships are right before a breakup. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of those contrasting experiences. Again, I offer that with a view to helping you depersonalise and maybe cheque yourself on those projections and those stories you're telling yourself about like, oh, that's what their behaviour means, they're fine. That means that I'm pathetic and I loved them more and they never cared about me again.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:58]:
That just really adds to our suffering and is not helpful at all. If this episode is something that you are really needing right now and you're in the midst of a breakup, definitely cheque out my Higher Love course. It's a breakup course. It's very comprehensive and it also has a bonus masterclass called Attachment Styles and Breakups, which is about 45 minutes and is more of a deep dive on the conversation we've had here today. And you can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on Higher Love, so you can enter that code at the checkout and you will save $150. So sending so much love to anyone who is going through a breakup. I know that it's tough. In a couple of weeks time, maybe next week, I'm going to do a Q and A episode all on breakup.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:44]:
So covering a few different topics because it is one of the areas that I get a lot of requests for support from, from people who listen to the show and who follow me on Instagram and all of those things. So keep an ear out for that if that is something you're going through at the moment. Otherwise, so grateful for you all being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
Stephanie Rigg [00:23:26]:
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How Do I Get My Avoidant Partner To Open Up?
This week, I’m answering the community question, “How do I get my avoidant partner to open up?”. I’ll dive into how to pave the way for more genuine, authentic connection and what that looks like for people with avoidant attachment styles and anxious attachment styles within relationships.
This week, I’m answering the community question, “How do I get my avoidant partner to open up?”. I’ll dive into how to pave the way for more genuine, authentic connection and what that looks like for people with avoidant attachment styles and anxious attachment styles within relationships.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Preferences of wanting to receive information
Trust wounds in avoidant partners
Self-serving behaviour that could be impacting this issue
Insight into their experience
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code JUNE50 for 50% off 3 masterclasses or the Higher Love Course - www.stephanierigg.com
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:30.08
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment.
0:00:30.22 → 0:01:02.23
In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of how do I get my avoidant partner to open up more? So this is a very frequently asked question, as you can imagine. I know that it's something a lot of more anxious partners struggle with and really desire is to have more depth and connection with their partner, particularly a partner who leans more avoidant. So I'm going to be unpacking that a little today. And importantly, and I would say more importantly than the actual, how do I get my partner to open up more?
0:01:02.32 → 0:01:59.10
As you can imagine, if you are familiar with my work and my philosophy, I think the more revealing inquiry here is what is it within me that needs to control or influence that? What part of me feels unsafe with them not telling me everything right away or feeling like I can't reach parts of them, how much of my desire to get them to open up is about them versus me? And I think that when we can get a little curious about that and take responsibility and really own the parts of us that maybe want to control someone or want to change them, want them to be more like us or as we would like them to be, then we're more able to approach those situations with a level of conscious awareness. And hopefully that will pave the way for more genuine, authentic connection, rather than connection that is, with a motive of control attached to it. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
0:01:59.20 → 0:02:40.00
Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements you might have heard me share in the last episode that for the month of June I am offering a 50% off sale on my online courses and master classes. So included in that is my Higher Love course, which is my breakup course, and my three master classes how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships, better boundaries and sex and attachment. So for the month of June, you can use the code June 50 on my website, the checkout area, to save 50% on all of those products. So if you've been interested in going a little deeper with my work, now is a great time to do that. We'll link all of that in the show notes for you.
0:02:40.77 → 0:03:05.15
Second announcement is just to share the featured review, which is Stephanie's an incredible teacher on attachment. Not only theories covered, but so many good examples of practical implementation. I've had experiences learning about attachment theory that made me feel like I'm a bad person because of how I tend to behave in relationships with Stephanie. I never feel that I've learned so much from listening to her, and I've only just scratched the surface on the many episodes available. Also, her voice is very pleasant and soothing.
0:03:05.20 → 0:03:24.76
She has a wonderful accent, and her way of facing her words makes it very easy to understand. Thank you so much, Stephanie. You're making a huge contribution by creating this valuable content. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. It's kind of you to say that my voice is very pleasant and soothing because I got a message from someone on Instagram yesterday telling me to please make my voice more professional because it sounded unnatural.
0:03:24.82 → 0:03:52.47
So apparently you can't please everybody, but it's nice to have the alternative perspective. So thank you so much for your review and your kind words. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, and my team will set you up with free access to one of those master classes that I mentioned a little while ago. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how do I get my avoidant partner to open up? So let's acknowledge the starting point for anxious people.
0:03:52.62 → 0:04:34.60
Disclosure. And arguably, over disclosure is a way to fast track connection a lot of the time. So even if it's very early in the dating process, something that a lot of anxious people will relate to is, I want to tell you everything about me, and I want you to tell me everything about you as a way to fast track us to depth. Right. I don't want to hang out in this in between uncertain thing where our relationship isn't really intense yet, and I lean on disclosure as a way to bypass that in between stage that uncertainty and fast track us straight to really intense connection.
0:04:34.79 → 0:05:28.13
So as is the case a lot of the time, noticing that as an anxious person, you probably sit at one extreme or one end of the spectrum when it comes to disclosure or opening up. And sometimes that can be maybe over disclosure, so it can be a lack of boundaries. I think that if we look at some of those descriptors of the various attachment styles, you'll see anxious people over disclose, avoidant people are very protective of disclosure and might under disclose or not share much of themselves with someone. And secure attachment is somewhere in the middle, right? I share an appropriate amount with people, but I don't blurt out everything and all of my deepest, darkest secrets and my history and my family struggles and my trauma and everything, because that might be too much too soon.
0:05:28.25 → 0:06:23.76
So I suppose I say that just to invite you to reflect on am I sitting at one extreme and judging someone or expecting them to meet me in my version of doing things my way, which maybe isn't healthy either. And I think that we can see that kind of dynamic play out a lot in anxious avoidant relationships is that we tussle over which extreme should win out, when really the goal is to meet in the middle. So I think when it comes to getting someone to open up, we first have to acknowledge that that is driven by our preference from the other extreme. Now, that is not to say that desiring connection with someone via feeling like you know them on a deep level is problematic. I don't think that it is problematic.
0:06:23.82 → 0:06:59.53
I think that's really understandable and natural and can be healthy at the same time. We do need to acknowledge that there can be a level of protectiveness from the avoidant person around sharing parts of themselves with other people. There can be trust wounds. Certainly for more fearful avoidant people, there can be a real betrayal, fear and not trusting in people's good intentions and feeling like the more I share of myself with you, the more potential you have to use that against me or hurt me. So I want to keep you at arm's length.
0:06:59.58 → 0:07:37.50
Or maybe if I do share something with you, then I retreat because I feel like I really regret sharing things with you. But I think that we do have to get really curious around how much of me wanting you to open up is because I genuinely want to know you better from an open hearted, agenda free kind of way. And how much of it is because I can't tolerate the distance that I perceive from not being able to reach you, from there being things about you that I don't know. Because as we know for anxious people, information feels safe. The more information we have, the more in control we feel.
0:07:37.55 → 0:08:01.08
The less information we have, the more out of control we feel. That uncertainty tends to feel really destabilising and can feel like you can't mobilise to keep yourself safe because you don't know what you're dealing with. And those blanks we tend to fill in with worst case scenarios, right? We catastrophize, why would they hide something from me? Why wouldn't they share it with me?
0:08:01.53 → 0:08:33.15
It must be something really bad or they don't like me, or there's something awry here. We become very, very suspicious of someone not sharing everything with us. Again, because our preference and our baseline is to share everything with everyone in a way that again, we use that to fast track connection. So we are suspicious and judgmental of the ways in which someone might be different to us and we think that it necessarily spells trouble. So I do think that we have to get honest and own.
0:08:33.30 → 0:09:11.50
How much of this is me wanting you to open up? Because I want to feel more connected to you and how much of it is I would feel more in control of you and our relationship and I would feel safer if I had more information. Because the more information I have, the more options I have, the more strategies I feel like I have at my disposal. To troubleshoot, to problem solve, to preempt something bad happening. But without that information, I feel like I'm going in blind to this situation where I feel like I'm going to have to protect myself and not going to be able to do that because I'm not armed with that information.
0:09:11.87 → 0:09:50.61
I think the other piece of this is that the other kind of self serving piece and as always, I say self serving not in a judgmental way because I am guilty of all of these things. But the other self serving thing can be if you loved me, you would tell me, right? That's the logic from the anxious side. It's if you really cared about this relationship, you would share everything with me. And so the fact that you don't want to share certain things with me or you're not opening up to me makes me feel rejected or unloved or suspicious or any other thing.
0:09:50.65 → 0:10:43.75
But I'm making it mean something about how much you care about me or how much you love me. And again, that is a very good example of projecting what something would mean if it were us onto someone else who's very different to us. So just recognising all of those different limbs that might be playing out here that might be influencing your need for someone else to be a certain way and how much of that is genuinely about them and how much of it is about you and arguably about control. So putting that to one side and that's kind of a whole inquiry in and of itself is all of the pieces within us that want to get someone to open up and actually looking at, okay, what would be the conditions which would support someone to feel like they could open up? And for an avoidant person, we have to look at the core wounds and the fears there.
0:10:43.79 → 0:11:21.45
And a lot of the time that is around, I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to feel like someone is trying to take away my privacy, my independence, my selfhood. And so feeling like someone is literally or figuratively looming over them and demanding that they open up or making them wrong for not opening up on someone else's timeline, that's usually going to exacerbate it rather than alleviate it. Right. That's going to really lead them to dig their heels in and reinforce the need for self protection rather than to support them to feel safe.
0:11:21.55 → 0:11:48.29
You can't just demand that someone feel safe enough to open up to you. You have to kind of earn that. And earning that might mean building trust incrementally over time and releasing the grip on trying to control someone or trying to make demands of them that are more than they are able to give at a certain point in a relationship or a certain point in their own journey. Right? This stuff can feel intensely vulnerable and unsafe.
0:11:48.39 → 0:12:47.18
And I think we have to really remind ourselves of that rather than just asking these questions of how can I get them to do this thing that I want them to do. There's a lot more in it than that. I think the important thing to add to all of this is it's really reasonable and understandable to want to know that someone is connected to their own emotional landscape. And I think to the extent that your desire to get your partner to open up is because it feels unsafe or otherwise destabilising to you to feel like there's something going on that not only you don't understand, but your partner doesn't understand. If you listen to a recent episode I did with Connor Beaton, a guest that I had on, he works a lot with men, and we spoke in that episode in the context of men that what we really desire from someone in partnership is, can I trust that you know what's going on with you?
0:12:47.36 → 0:13:19.91
And you have self awareness around that, and you have the tools and the resources to do whatever you need to do to take care of it. And I think that that is really the crux of it. And when we feel like someone is not only cloistered but also in denial about there being something wrong or something that needs their attention, that's when it starts to feel really unsafe. And that's where on the anxious side, you probably start escalating and going into this panicky frenzy of, you have to tell me there's something wrong. I know there's something wrong.
0:13:19.95 → 0:13:46.44
Why aren't you telling me? Just open up to me. Because we feel like if they don't understand what's going on with them or they don't know, then how are they going to take care of it? And that can feel really unsafe and really stressful. So I think that that aspect of it, to the extent that that's your experience, feeling like you don't have trust in the fact that they're self aware enough to know what's going on for them and to manage that for themselves, I think that's really understandable.
0:13:46.47 → 0:14:28.17
And maybe the middle ground then is to say I don't need you to tell me everything that's going on. But it would be helpful for me if you could just reassure me that whatever it is that you've got it under control, or that you're taking care of it, or some other reassurance that isn't. I need you to bear your soul to me so that I can launch in and fix it and go into that Caretaker mode, but at least give me some sort of insight into what you're experiencing and what you're going to do about it. Right? And I think when we can ask for that from a more restrained place rather than a demanding place and a place that's tell me what's going on for you, and then I'm going to mobilise straight away into trying.
0:14:28.18 → 0:15:02.66
To fix it, which might feel like a boundary violation for the other person. Or we can do it in a more restrained way, in a more trusting way, a way that says I trust you and I respect you. And I know that you'll take care of it, but it would really help if I could get a little insight into what you're going through that feels more balanced and that feels like more of a healthy middle ground, rather than poking and prodding and demanding that someone open up so that you feel better about it. So I suppose it's a long winded way of saying how do I get someone to open up? I don't know that you do get someone to open up.
0:15:02.68 → 0:15:54.75
I think people open when they're ready and if they're opening before they're ready because you've made them, that's probably not a great outcome, is it? We really want people to open from a place of a natural unfolding and unfurling of their authentic self in a way that feels really true and honest rather than getting someone to share parts of themselves that they're not ready to share or that they feel really reluctant to share. And then that being cloaked in fear or self protection and probably not feeling that great on either side. I think when we can trust that in time, if we are loving and respectful and trusting of one another, that that revealing just happens. It takes place naturally because the safety is established between you in a really genuine way.
0:15:54.90 → 0:16:21.73
And so I think that if you can cultivate that patience and trust rather than needing someone to operate on your timeline of opening up or revealing themselves or disclosing certain things, then I think that that's maybe the better path. Now, of course, all of the caveats, all of the what about this? What about this? What about someone lying to me? Or I'm not talking about any of that.
0:16:21.77 → 0:17:01.23
Right? Really talking about sharing emotionally disclosing things about fears and insecurities recognising that that's much harder for some people than others. And that doesn't mean that they're bad or wrong or broken, but just trying to accept our partner's process and trust their ability to make those decisions for themselves rather than feeling like we need to step in and steward their personal development process for them. Which, as I've said, I think is a really easy place for more anxious people to go. But it costs us a lot because once we step into that role of coach or therapist or caretaker, that can become the balance point in the relationship.
0:17:01.35 → 0:18:03.28
And that can be the role that we cement ourselves into, which for a time might feel good because we might feel needed or we might feel in control, but ultimately it costs us a lot because then who's there to support us when we've anointed ourselves, the support person in the relationship? It can skew things in a direction that ultimately doesn't serve us. So I realised that was a lot of different limbs and thoughts and reflections and probably wasn't the answer you were looking for if you were hoping for a nice, neat three step process on how to get an avoidant person to open up. But I hope that it's given you something a little more nuanced and layered to reflect upon, and ultimately an invitation into greater self awareness, greater self responsibility, and maybe more acceptance of your partner and more trust and respect for them in a way that will naturally give rise to opening and safety in your relationship. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm super grateful.
0:18:03.34 → 0:18:26.53
For those of you who can leave a quick review or a rating or a feedback little comment thing on Spotify, share it with the people in your life. It all really helps and adds up and is a huge support for me in continuing to get the word out about the podcast. Otherwise, I look forward to joining you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
0:18:26.63 → 0:18:45.70
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to you again soon.
"Is he avoidant or just not that into me?"
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of "How do I know if someone is avoidant or just not that interested in me?" This is a question I get A LOT - and the answer might surprise you.
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of "How do I know if someone is avoidant or just not that interested in me?" This is a question I get A LOT - and the answer might surprise you.
I'm going to share a common misconception about avoidant attachment in early dating, as well as some hard truths about why we seek out people whose behaviour leaves us questioning whether they're interested or not.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:43.49
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering one of the most frequently asked questions that I get, which is how do I know if someone is avoidant or just not that into me?
0:00:43.66 → 0:01:19.49
So I know that a lot of you listening will relate to this question purely by virtue of how often I get asked. It really is something that I'm hearing all the time from people. How can I figure out, particularly in early dating, whether the way someone's behaving towards me, which might feel sort of unclear or ambiguous or maybe not super interested? Do I put that down to the fact that they're not interested? Or is there something more different at play here that might be their attachment patterns, their avoidant attachment style?
0:01:19.83 → 0:01:41.43
How can I tell the difference and what do I do about it? So that's what I'm going to be talking through today. Before I dive into that, just want to share the featured review for today, which is this is the only podcast I wait for new episodes to be released every week. It's just that good. Even when I don't think the episode is going to be related to me, I find a new way to apply it to my life and be able to better understand the people around me.
0:01:41.47 → 0:02:00.41
I recently started Stephanie's Anxious Attachment course, and it has flipped the way I experience relationships. I can't thank Stephanie enough for this magical gift of a podcast that came into my life just when I needed it. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad that you've been loving the podcast and healing anxious attachment. That is all very lovely feedback.
0:02:00.46 → 0:02:47.69
So thank you so much for sharing. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's talk about whether they're avoidant or just not into you. This big question that I always get before I answer it, and I won't be answering it in any sort of yes or no way, obviously, but I do just want to give the caveat and emphasise that there are a million and one different answers to this question depending on context and all of those things. So please don't take what I'm going to say as being true for your situation, but rather as something to reflect upon and to apply to your situation to the extent that maybe it feels insightful.
0:02:47.74 → 0:03:19.35
But if it doesn't, then leave it. There's no need to panic and draw some sort of conclusion about someone else's behaviour based on what I'm about to share. I am just sharing observations and reflections from my experience and what I know to be true. So with all of that out of the way, with all of the disclaimers out of the way, I think that when we ask this question of is someone avoidant or just not interested in me? We are perhaps misunderstanding how avoidant attachment shows up.
0:03:19.47 → 0:04:06.64
A lot of the time, in my experience, dating avoidant people and working with avoidant people and working with many, many anxious people who date avoidant people. Fair sample size. In early dating, most avoidant people are not in their avoidant mode, meaning they haven't been triggered yet. So their strategies of withdrawing or going hot and cold, those sorts of things probably haven't been activated yet, right? That tends to come into play a little bit later when things become a bit more serious, when they start to feel pressure, when they start to feel like there's a bit more reliance on them or dependability or they're expected to do things or all of that stuff that we know can feel overwhelming for an avoidant leaning person when their freedom starts to feel like it's being impinged upon in some way.
0:04:06.67 → 0:05:07.64
But usually it's not at the very early stages of dating and I do tend to find that the people asking this question of how do I know if someone's avoidant or just not interested in me? Are usually asking that at a pretty early stage of dating, right? So I think that if you've been on one or two dates with someone, or you've just been messaging them a lot on an app and their behaviour is such that you're questioning whether they're interested in you and you're going, oh, is it just because they're avoidant because they're being really indifferent and they're not really messaging me, they're not putting in any effort, they're whatever, fill in the blanks. I think in many cases I think a lot of the time when we find ourselves asking that are they avoidant or just not interested in me?
0:05:07.74 → 0:05:28.22
At the very early stages of dating? Perhaps we're looking for an explanation that is better preferable than the thing that we're afraid to hear, which is that they just might not be interested in us. I should also say these things aren't mutually exclusive. Someone could be avoidant and not interested in you. So I think when we're trying to go, oh, is it this or this?
0:05:28.37 → 0:06:05.67
And how do I know whether it's one or the other? We have to recognise that there's a Venn diagram and there could be both, right? That's a bit of a side note. So the first kind of key piece here is that in my experience in early dating, avoidant people tend to show interest in people that they are interested in most of the time. Of course, not always exceptions, of course, but avoidant attachment doesn't usually manifest as being really coy or disinterested or indifferent towards people that you are actively pursuing and actively really interested in.
0:06:05.76 → 0:07:04.26
The avoidant stuff tends to come a little bit later when the relationship feels like it's becoming exclusive or there's other pressure or seriousness involved in a way that then activates some of those attachment fears and their accompanying strategies. The second key piece, and this is more important by a long shot, if you are asking yourself this question of are they avoidant or just not interested in me? And this is the question of does it matter and what part of you wants to go on that expedition of finding out the answer so that you can solve it right? If someone's behaviour towards you is so confusing and inconsistent and indifferent and whatever else that you are already straight out of the gate asking these questions are they even interested in me? Or is there some sort of label I can put on them that makes this behaviour make sense?
0:07:05.03 → 0:07:39.75
Does it really matter what the answer is? Do you want to persist in pursuing that connection when you're feeling like this? And to be very clear, this is not about demonising avoidant attachment and avoidantly attached people. If you're familiar with my work, you know that's not my philosophy at all, but a big part of my philosophy is taking responsibility for our part. And what I see all too often is anxious people going through a world of pain because they persist with people who the signs were there from the beginning.
0:07:39.80 → 0:08:24.92
It's not even a sign, it's just plain to see oh, I was wondering whether it was because you're avoidant or you didn't even like me and rather than just going oh well, if I'm asking that question, that's probably all I need to know. I stick around and I try and be more of this or less of that, or try different strategies and techniques and ways to get your attention and ways to make you happy and make you show up and make you interested in me. Why do we see someone's indifference towards us or inconsistency as an invitation to try harder? That's what we really need to ask ourselves because that's where the growth is. And this is particularly true for you if it's a recurring pattern, if you consistently ask yourself this question of is someone avoiding or just not interested in me?
0:08:25.02 → 0:09:18.24
Whenever we notice ourselves as the common denominator in a pattern in our relationships, that's where we have to look in the mirror and go, okay, what's going on for me here? And this is one where we have to go okay, what is it about someone else's disinterest or someone being lukewarm about me that feels like an invitation to prove myself and to try harder and to make them want me? Because that is our work, that is our worthiness stuff coming up. And if we're doing that with someone who isn't really interested then we are almost certainly just going to strive and strive and strive in the face of someone who didn't ever really care for us all that much in the first place, who was maybe kind of ambivalent towards us. And we made it our mission to change their mind, to convert them to be the one.
0:09:18.61 → 0:10:00.87
And then we feel so hurt and disappointed when that doesn't come to fruition and we make it mean something about us and we fail to see how much of a role we've played in creating that situation and bringing ourselves to where we are. We throw our hands up and go, why does this happen to me? Why do I attract people like this? When really we've been a main character in that story again and again and again. Okay, so this wasn't really meant to turn into me standing on a soapbox and giving you this pep talk, but I think it's an important one because, as I said, I get this question all the time and it breaks my heart to see people who have a blind spot around their part in their pattern.
0:10:01.03 → 0:11:04.20
So if you are someone who is dating and you're feeling this question of why do I always attract avoidant people, why do I always attract people who are uninterested in me or who treat me in this very lukewarm way? I think the better question is, why do I look past the behaviour itself and try and find an explanation for it so that I can then roll up my sleeves and get to work in trying to change them? Or change the way they feel about me, rather than just seeing it for what it is and directing my energy and attention elsewhere towards a person or even just myself and my life in a way that is far more fruitful and nourishing and supportive for my well being. Why do I make it my mission to change someone's mind about me? I think that's the really fertile ground for deep insight about ourselves and our patterns and whatever wounds might be driving those patterns.
0:11:04.26 → 0:11:31.12
So I hope that that has been helpful. It might not be the answer that you were expecting when you started listening to this, but it might be the answer that you needed to hear if this is something that you struggle with. As always, super grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. If you're listening on Spotify, you can now leave a Q and a response at the bottom of the episode. So grateful for all of your ongoing support and I look forward to seeing you again soon.
0:11:31.22 → 0:11:55.98
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating it really does help so much. Thanks again for being here. And I hope to see you again soon.
The Role of Criticism in Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics
Today's episode is all about the role of criticism in anxious-avoidant dynamics. Both anxious and avoidant people have been known to deploy criticism as a strategy to manage fears and self-protect in relationships - but this will often look different (and be motivated by different drives) on each side.
Today's episode is all about the role of criticism in anxious-avoidant dynamics. Both anxious and avoidant people have been known to deploy criticism as a strategy to manage fears and self-protect in relationships - but this will often look different (and be motivated by different drives) on each side.
One thing's for sure: no matter how it shows up, criticism is really harmful to relationships - so if this is something you struggle with, you've come to the right place.
WHAT WE COVER:
how anxiously attached people use criticism as a protest behaviour
criticism as a way to convey our hurt
how avoidant people use criticism to sow seeds of doubt and create distance
how to identify the needs underlying our criticism so we can communicate in a healthier way
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:48.98
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is all about criticism in anxious avoidant dynamics, so how criticism tends to come up and what different partners might use criticism for in an anxious avoidant dynamic.
0:00:49.04 → 0:02:03.02
So this has been something that's been swirling around in my head, as is the case with many of the topics that I speak about on the podcast. And it's come up for me because I think that criticism, if you read any of the literature around attachment, you'll find that criticism is something that both anxious and avoidant leaning people will deploy as a strategy at various points in time to try and get a need met. And I think that as a broader point, if you're familiar with my work and my approach, you'll know that even these ostensibly unhealthy or problem behaviours, if we were to call them that, they're all ultimately trying to meet a need, they're trying to protect us against something, they're trying to achieve an end. And so looking at criticism through this lens of what am I trying to achieve when I criticise my partner? Whether that's inwardly, whether it's just our inner voice noticing the deficiencies of our partner and feeling very judgmental, or whether it's outward criticism and it's something that we are using to try and elicit a response or change or engagement in a partner getting really curious
0:02:03.08 → 0:02:03.41
around.
0:02:03.48 → 0:02:36.41
Okay, what's driving that? What is this really about for me? So that we can create a little space, create greater awareness and ultimately create the possibility of using a healthier strategy that's more conducive to a secure relationship and is much more likely to get whatever the underlying need is met than just being critical of our partner. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:36.57 → 0:03:03.43
The first being I'm really, really excited to share that applications are now open for my Homecoming Mastermind. So I haven't spoken very much about this programme, but it is the most intimate way to work with me. It's a small group, mastermind. It runs for six months. I've been running the current Cohort since January and it has exceeded my expectations in every way.
0:03:03.50 → 0:03:39.32
It is a beautiful, beautiful group. We meet weekly and we have coaching calls. We talk about most everything you could imagine from relationships, relationship with self fears, insecurities, desires. We really cover the full spectrum. And it has been so very humbling to watch not only the breakthroughs and the transformations, but the way that the women in the group relate to one another and support one another and cheer each other on hold each other, in our tears and in our tender moments.
0:03:39.43 → 0:04:11.85
It has been incredibly healing, not only for the people that I've been guiding through the group, but for me as well. It's something that I look forward to every week. I will be starting another round of Homecoming in July and I am accepting applications for that now. It is by application only, just because it is such a small group and I want to make sure that we're a good fit on both sides. But if you are someone who is not brand new to this work, it's not really suited for someone who is just dipping a toe in.
0:04:11.97 → 0:05:15.70
If you're someone who's been doing this kind of work for a while and you probably have a lot of the self awareness and the intellectual stuff down pat, that maybe you're looking for a way to get to that. Next level of inner freedom and peace and worth and joy and liberation that can really only come with embodying and integrating all of the knowledge and all of the learnings. I would love to have you apply for Homecoming. All of the details of that are in the show notes or you can go directly to my website and if you have any questions on that one, once you've read through the registration page, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or you can reach out to my team at support@stephanierigue.com. Okay, the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, as always, and this one is stephanie's podcast and Higher Love course have helped me immensely.
0:05:15.73 → 0:05:50.55
I started listening a couple of months before leaving my toxic, anxious avoidant relationship and used the tools from her work to get me through that hard time setting goals for the future and navigating putting myself out there again, I cannot recommend her highly enough. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you've found that empowerment through the podcast and Higher Love. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, all of that out of the way.
0:05:50.64 → 0:06:24.14
Let's talk about criticism in Anxious Avoidant relationships. So, as I said in the intro, when it comes to something like criticism, it's really easy to fall into a pattern of self defence. And as I've often said, and this is a line I got from my therapist giving credit where it's due, if you attack someone, they'll defend themselves. And similarly, if we feel attacked, we will defend ourselves, right? That is fairly predictable and reliable, straightforward.
0:06:24.33 → 0:07:22.93
And yet oftentimes we feel very justified in defending ourselves in the face of a perceived attack and we feel very frustrated when people defend themselves in the face of our attacks. Right? It is one of those double standards, but I think that we have to dig a little deeper when we notice criticism coming up in our relationships. And I should say at the outset, criticism is so damaging to relationships, it really very quickly erodes the connection. If the overall tone of your relationship is infused with negativity and criticism and nitpicking and blame and judgement, contempt even, there's no real space for genuine love, connection, care, appreciation, because that negativity tends to take up a lot of space and it tends to give rise to more negativity.
0:07:23.06 → 0:08:12.00
So it's a really very quick downward spiral from that place and it can be hard to get out of. I think a lot of the time, when we're in a bit of a rut and maybe we're both feeling critical of each other, or one person's feeling very critical and the other is withdrawing or turning away from that, it can feel really risky to stop criticising. And this probably leads me into the discussion of how anxious attachment, people with an anxious attachment style might use criticism as a strategy and what need are they trying to meet? And I say they, when really it is we, because I've definitely been guilty of this myself, as always, I am not calling any of this out from a place of judgement, but rather of self awareness. So on the anxious attachment side, what role is criticism playing?
0:08:12.11 → 0:09:04.04
I think what often happens is when we feel like we can't reach someone as an anxiously attached person, and particularly in partnership with an avoidant leaning person, you will often feel like you cannot reach them. Even if you can reach them in moments, you can't reach them all the time. And so the withdrawal of their availability to you feels threatening in some way. And this can be true in a casual setting or in a very long term relationship, but as soon as we feel like we can't reach them, and that leads us to feel some sense of uncertainty or lack of control, then we usually have this escalating, almost ladder of protest behaviours. So we might start with, this will be different for everyone, right?
0:09:04.17 → 0:10:02.08
It'll just depend on your specific brand of protest behaviours and what you have learned basically in the past has worked for you and what hasn't. We all tend to do this pretty subconsciously, but we have our very well sharpened tools in terms of getting our needs met. So it might be sulking, it might be stomping around, it might be huffing, it might be trying to elicit some sort of what's wrong so that we can then let someone know that they've upset us in some way. When that doesn't work, we might escalate and the escalation again might look different for different people. But as we sort of climb this ladder, I think criticism comes up as one of the strategies that maybe before criticism we try pleading or blaming or some sort of asking for something in a way that doesn't work, or we tiptoe around it.
0:10:02.12 → 0:10:40.33
We try to indirectly ask for what we need, but it doesn't quite land. And so then we escalate from there. And by the time we get to criticism, what we're typically doing is I'm in pain, and I want you to be in pain with me so that you know how I feel. Or I'm in pain, and I really need for you to understand how bad you are and agree with me that you are bad so that I feel validated in my pain. And so I might hurl these complaints or criticisms at you, telling you that there's something wrong with you.
0:10:40.40 → 0:11:23.35
Any normal person would know this, or you always do that, or you never do this, and RA in this quite attacking way. But the undercurrent for the anxious person is not, I am attacking you because I think you are terrible. It's I'm attacking you because I'm terrified that I'm losing you and for some reason, attack emerges as a way to get engagement from you. So if I can connect with you via this escalation in my communication, via criticising you and making you see how you've hurt me, then you'll change and then I'll feel safe again. And this can be really real and really big.
0:11:23.42 → 0:12:04.51
We can have this feeling of I'm terrified that if you don't see how much you're hurting me, that you won't change. And I don't think we can survive if you don't change. So I need to get you to change. And when I ask nicely, in my mind, this is all very much story, right? If I ask nicely, you don't do what I want and so I have to ask not so nicely or tell not so nicely, try and control in order that we can work our way back to harmony as I see it, and I can feel safe again, right?
0:12:04.71 → 0:12:38.01
So there's a lot in that. And as I said, it will look different for different people. There'll be different flavours of this, but the undercurrent for the anxious person is I'm trying to criticise you to either get engagement when I feel like you're slipping away, so I might be in an argument and again, I've been guilty of this. Not in my current relationship so much, but definitely in a previous one. If my partner in conflict would leave the room, as he often did, he'd sort of just tap out and storm off and I would just go after him like an animal, right?
0:12:38.05 → 0:13:35.45
I was so incensed and enraged with the fact that he could leave me in that vulnerable moment where I was trying to express something. It felt so abandoning and uncaring that I would follow him. I would follow him around the house and just hurl the awful criticisms at him so that I could get him to see how bad he was and how much he was hurting me. And spoiler alert, that wasn't very effective and usually led him to withdraw further or if he reached some sort of breaking point to start hurling criticisms back at me. But that was really I can look at it now with clear vision and say I was just in this state of total panic that if he was unable to engage with what I was telling him he was doing wrong, and if he continued to invalidate that, then it would go on forever, and my pain would go on forever.
0:13:35.50 → 0:14:14.27
And that terrified me. So I used criticism as a way to try and get that message across, to try and really convey the magnitude and the gravity of the pain that I was in. But again, not a very effective strategy because as soon as we throw those hand grenades, people duck for cover, right? It's just that defensiveness really inhibits any ability to receive the underlying substance of the message or the yearning or the desire or the fear underneath it. The vulnerability just gets cased in attack and venom and all of this stuff that really inhibits the connection that we so desire.
0:14:14.61 → 0:14:48.33
So that's what it tends to look like and be driven by. On the anxious side, on the avoidant side, criticism is a little different, but it's definitely there. And I think that in my observation, of course, avoidant detachment is not my personal experience. So I am speaking from an observer point of view of people I've been in relationship with and worked with. I think that the criticism tends to be either a reaction against feeling controlled.
0:14:48.67 → 0:16:00.25
So if you're feeling like someone's trying to control you, you might notice a real criticism of them and feeling very judgmental of them, really disliking them, almost feeling kind of repulsed by them and feeling critical of everything they do and say and represent. It's like you just feel this really visceral kind of disgust response towards them and can feel very critical about oftentimes quite banal things or quite arbitrary things. So that can be kind of a direct reaction to feeling controlled by them or feeling smothered, feeling suffocated, or it can be a little less direct and can just be sort of part of a broader subconscious distancing strategy. And basically that is a strategy that's going to go about collecting all the evidence as to why the relationship isn't right, why it's not a good relationship, why it's not a good idea. And so you might notice yourself becoming very NIT picky or critical or blaming of just all of these little things, right?
0:16:00.37 → 0:16:50.70
As I said, it's less likely to be a big outburst of criticism that's in a heated moment and it might show up more as an internal voice of doubt. So feeling, as I said, quite critical towards your partner, just all of the things that they do, the things that they like, personality traits, you might start to find those things really unattractive and feel quite judgmental of all of the things that your partner does. You might find yourself very frustrated if they're not doing things right or in the right way or the way that you think would be best. It's sort of like this sense of the ways in which we're different. My brain takes as proof that we are not a good fit because I feel very protective of my way.
0:16:50.83 → 0:17:33.18
And so to the extent that you are different to me, I take that as evidence that you are less than and use that to support my protector story that this relationship is not right and kind of push you away using that criticism. So as we can see, they come up in different ways. Right. The anxious criticism and it's kind of emblematic of the broader dynamic there. The anxious criticism tends to be frantic and panicked and ultimately designed to get connection in this really survival driven way of I am this last resort thing of I need to get you to hear me.
0:17:33.23 → 0:18:23.33
So I'm escalating and I'm going to be critical of you. Whereas the avoidant flavour of criticism tends to be a little bit more under the surface and it tends to be around doubt and uncertainty and creating that distance or disconnection trying to find reasons and evidence that would support our safety strategy. If I need to go back to my aloneness now and I'm justified in doing that and that will be the best thing for me because this person is deficient or not right for me or bad or imperfect in all of these ways and here's all of my evidence to support that. Right, okay, so what do we do with all of that? I think, as always, it comes back to this thing of there's no quick solution.
0:18:23.38 → 0:19:01.70
It's not a switch we can flip off. These protective strategies are with us for a reason and they've served a purpose and we can see the ways in which they are blocking us from getting what we truly desire and maybe blocking us from experiencing safe, loving, healthy, thriving relationships. I think a really good first step. And if you were to kind of take away an action item from today's conversation, if this is something that you notice in yourself is the next time you feel the urge to be critical of your partner, go, okay, what am I trying to achieve with this? Am I trying to control my partner?
0:19:01.76 → 0:19:25.09
Am I feeling out of control and am I trying to get back to control? Am I feeling like I can't reach my partner, like they're slipping away from me? Am I feeling really hurt? And I want my partner to either feel that hurt as well or for them to know how hurt I am. And the only way I feel like I can do that, that I'll be taken seriously, is by getting really escalated.
0:19:25.91 → 0:20:10.73
Am I trying to spot doubts or imperfections in my partner so as to justify my withdrawal as a way to protect my fear? Of vulnerability and intimacy, all of these things. There's a lot in this. And having this lens of curiosity slowing down, rather than taking the surface thing, the surface urge or thought or feeling as true and meaning something about our relationship or our partner, can we instead get curious and create a bit of space and go, okay, what am I afraid would happen if I didn't do this thing? What am I afraid would happen if I wasn't critical or if I didn't say that or do that?
0:20:10.85 → 0:21:00.91
I think that question often leads us to really powerful insights about the purpose that that behaviour is serving in our relationship. And then once we have a little more clarity around, okay, this is what that's actually about for me, then we can start to create choice and we can start to consider what an alternative might look like. Right? So, to give an example on the anxious side, if I'm using criticism as a way to convey how upset I am and how scared I am, can I instead tell you that I'm scared? Can I say to you, I don't want to criticise you, but at the same time I need you to know how important this is to me.
0:21:01.06 → 0:21:18.48
And it's really frightening for me when I feel like I can't reach you or that you're not hearing me because this thing feels so big inside me and I don't know what to do with that. And I really need to know that you hear me. Can you tell me that you hear me? Or something? Right?
0:21:18.58 → 0:21:32.20
But can we say the vulnerable thing rather than the aggressive thing? Because again, attack, defend. That can be your other key takeaway from today's episode. If I attack, they'll defend. And the same goes both ways, right?
0:21:32.33 → 0:21:48.54
So, knowing that, what could I do instead? What would a non attacking version of this feeling look and sound like? And just try it and allow yourself to be in the messiness of it. Right. I personally love the example I just gave.
0:21:48.59 → 0:22:21.74
I love that kind of strategy because all it's doing is basically narrating what's going on inside you rather than acting on the thing. So rather than saying, you never do this, we can say, I notice myself wanting to attack you and I really don't want to do that. But here's what I'm feeling and not saying I'm feeling like you never do this and I'm feeling like you're a terrible partner. No, I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling really worried that you don't hear me or understand me. Right.
0:22:22.43 → 0:23:10.67
And taking responsibility for the stories, sharing vulnerably, what the feelings are, and then waiting through that mess together and finding a way to meet in the middle and find a solution. Again, the more we dig our heels in and commit to needing to find a good guy and a bad guy and right and wrong, we stay in that really oppositional, antagonistic energy, and nothing good comes from that. We don't get the connection that we all so deeply want when we're in that place. I really hope that this conversation has been interesting to you and that it's been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode, it'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating if you're on Spotify or a written review if you're listening on Apple podcasts.
0:23:10.77 → 0:23:17.02
But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you later this week for our Q and A episode. Thanks so much, guys. Take care.
0:23:19.63 → 0:23:42.24
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg.com or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
"How should I bring up moving in together with my avoidant partner?"
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to bring up wanting to move in together with an avoidant partner. This episode will be super helpful for anyone in this same situation, or who is otherwise wanting to have a "what are we?" type chat with their avoidant partner.
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to bring up wanting to move in together with an avoidant partner.
This episode will be super helpful for anyone in this same situation, or who is otherwise wanting to have a "what are we?" type chat with their avoidant partner.
WHAT WE COVER:
mindset shifts for the anxious partner in approaching these conversations
how to own your desires and feel comfortable voicing them
how best to approach these conversations with an avoidant partner
what to do if you're not on the same page
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.33 → 0:00:40.17
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q&A episode and I'm answering the question, how to discuss moving in together with an avoidant partner.
0:00:40.35 → 0:01:22.01
So this is a question that I got via my Instagram stories last week, and I think it's going to be a really useful discussion, not only for people who are in that specific situation. There may be some listening, but it's going to illustrate a broader technique or approach that you can take in. Broaching those maybe sensitive discussions, maybe things that feel intimidating, that feel anxiety inducing. If you're wanting to discuss taking next steps in a relationship, having any sort of where is this going, what are we? Conversation with a partner who does lean towards avoidant attachment and so might have some resistance to those conversations.
0:01:22.11 → 0:02:25.73
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to offer you some reframes on how to do the work behind the scenes for yourself going into that, so that you're not in this really constricted state of anxiety and worry and overthinking and trying to be perfect in the way that you discuss that, because I think that's the tendency. And I'll also give you some really practical tools and strategies in terms of the how to of having that conversation, of starting it, of actually going about navigating those discussions, depending on where it goes, so depending on their response, how you can respond to that, to really optimise your chances of not necessarily getting an outcome. I'm not going to tell you strategically how to broach that conversation in a way that's going to guarantee that you're going to move in together. I think that's unrealistic and unhelpful advice, but rather that you can go into it feeling self assured, feeling confident and trusting that no matter what happens, you'll be able to navigate it together and that ultimately you will have your own back and you will be okay.
0:02:25.82 → 0:02:49.43
So that's what we're talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. Today is the last episode before doors open to healing anxious attachment on Tuesday. Next week my time, so that'll be late Monday. If you're in the Northern Hemisphere, as many of you are, unless you are brand new here, I'm sure you've heard me harping on about healing anxious attachment.
0:02:49.53 → 0:03:48.46
It is my signature course. It's an eight week programme, although you do get lifetime access to all of the modules. And it really does distil down everything that I know, both from personal experience and from working with over 700 people in this specific programme, and more than double that outside of the programme and it really brings together all of the components that you need. The knowledge, the insight, the self awareness, the mindset shifts, the practical tools, the nervous system regulation, all of those things come together to give you a really comprehensive programme that is going to help you repate, rebuild and relearn how to experience relationships in a safe way. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling like you've tried everything, then I really, really encourage you to join the Waitlist in the Show notes that will allow you to access discounted pricing and first access when doors open next week.
0:03:48.48 → 0:04:20.60
And that is exclusive to the people on the waitlist. So make sure that you do jump on the waitlist if you're wanting to join the course or even just give yourself the option to join the course and save $100. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I've been very interested in attachment theory and I've toyed or halfheartedly tried to understand and apply it to my own relationship. I came across Stephanie's podcast during my research and it has brought to life my understanding of attachment theory and my own attachment style, as well as my partner's. Her advice and tips in the podcast are so invaluable and helpful.
0:04:20.66 → 0:04:36.61
She is that wise and realistic voice you need to hear to start healing. I look forward to her episodes every week to deepen that understanding and to continue my journey. I highly, highly recommend this podcast and all of Stephanie's resources. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:04:36.68 → 0:05:24.46
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how would I approach raising the discussion of moving in together with my partner who is avoidant? So I think the starting point, as I foreshadowed in the introduction to this episode, I think some of this is our work. If you're more anxious leaning and you're in this position or a similar situation whereby you want to raise one of those relationship progression conversations or clarifying what the relationship is and where it's going, there's definitely going to be some preparatory work on your part, because that's going to bring up a lot of stuff in you. A lot of fear, a lot of anxiety.
0:05:24.60 → 0:06:05.74
I think what can happen is we can be so convinced of how they're going to respond to something, what they're going to think and feel, that we have this anticipatory anxiety. We think we know how it's going to go before we've even taken the tiniest little step towards it. And so we're so braced for that outcome that our system is already gearing up to self protect in whatever way it knows how. So whether that's by being critical or by fawning or collapsing or dismissing ourselves or suppressing what it is we really want and feel. We have all of these strategies in our toolbox, and we're already so primed to have to lean on them.
0:06:05.79 → 0:06:28.86
And those strategies, while they can help us and they have helped us in the past, oftentimes when we zoom out a bit, we can see how they're blocking us from getting what we want. And that is particularly true in these kinds of vulnerable conversations. So I think a really important first step is to go, okay, here's my desire. I want to move in with my partner. Okay?
0:06:28.98 → 0:06:56.71
I need to not make myself wrong for that. I need to not cloak that in shame or oh, I'm being too needy, I'm being too clingy, I'm being too whatever. That's a perfectly legitimate thing to desire in your relationship. That doesn't mean that your partner is necessarily going to be on the same page as you and be ready to move at the same pace. But I think an important prerequisite to having this conversation is really being okay with the fact that that's your desire.
0:06:56.81 → 0:07:44.97
Because when you're insecure about the desire, then again, you're going to be really protective of it, and you're probably going to try and make them wrong for being different to you to the extent that they're not on the same page. So the more you can just stand firm and grounded and calm in the fact that you want to move in with your partner, which is a beautiful thing, then I think that that kind of softens your energy going into the conversation. At the same time, I think it is really important to understand that your partner may not be on the same page as you. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love you, they're not committed to you, they don't care about you, that you love them more than they love you. I think we just need to really watch the meaning making processes that our brain will jump to so quickly in this kind of conversation.
0:07:45.02 → 0:08:16.17
Right? Because it's natural to be sensitive to rejection and to feel hurt if we're wanting to move forward and someone else isn't meeting us in that desire. But I think the more that we make that mean something about the relationship at a fundamental level, then the more likely we are to again come out with these protective strategies that might block us from having a productive conversation. So I think that something helpful to do is clarify for yourself, why is this important to me? Why do I want to move in together with my partner?
0:08:16.51 → 0:08:36.92
How important is it to me? What would that mean for us? What would be different if we live together? How would that impact me and our relationship? Just getting a little bit more clarity for yourself around the significance of this thing and why that is something that you desire so that you're better able to explain that to your partner.
0:08:37.03 → 0:09:23.77
Again, open, vulnerable, not carrying a lot of emotional density and judgement and control, just sharing. I would really love this because of X-Y-Z and having that conversation. I think another really important tip is while you should clarify your thinking ahead of the conversation because I think it's really good to know broadly what you want to say and why it's important to you. Try not to be too rigid around scripting the perfect Oscar award winning speech and needing to deliver it in the perfect way so that you get the desired outcome. I get questions like this from anxious people all the time and it's how should I say this thing?
0:09:23.81 → 0:10:36.40
And I think people do kind of want a script. And while I understand that that can be helpful in feeling a little more prepared going into these conversations where otherwise you can spin out and get overwhelmed, I think the more we script it for ourselves and put that pressure on ourselves to almost perform perfectly, then not only do we rob ourselves of the opportunity to be open and curious and genuinely listen, rather than being really narrow in our expectation and our desire for where the conversation goes, we also then are creating the illusion that we're in control of where the conversation goes. And what that does is mean that if they don't respond the way we want, it's our fault because we didn't deliver it properly, because we didn't do our part properly. Whereas if you can go into it with the mindset of all I can do is honestly and vulnerably, share where I'm at and what I want, and then I can listen, and then I can respond and continue to let that unfold as it will, then it's much less on your shoulders to manage where the conversation goes and how it
0:10:36.42 → 0:10:44.31
goes. And I think again as more anxious leaning people, your tendency is going to be to want to take responsibility, to want to control.
0:10:44.51 → 0:11:27.94
And while that is a way that we try and keep ourselves safe again, it not only blocks us from getting what we want a lot of the time, but it then creates a lot of shame and inadequacy in the system. So with those mindset pieces out of the way and just to recap, those were things like get really clear about your desires, own those desires, feel comfortable with those desires and certainly don't go into it with any sense of shame or self judgement around the desires. Watch the meaning making. So don't preemptively go oh, if they say no, it's because they don't love me, it's because they don't care, it's because they're not committed to me. And also try not to be too perfectionistic and narrow minded about how the conversation has to go.
0:11:27.99 → 0:11:51.95
Try and be quite open. I want to now turn to giving you some specific tips strategies on how to actually go to that conversation. So I recorded an episode a couple of weeks ago around how to have hard conversations with an avoidant partner. So that's definitely a good one to revisit if you are in this situation. And those tips and tools will be really helpful here as well.
0:11:52.10 → 0:12:16.27
But the kinds of things you're going to be looking for be selective in your timing for this. Right. Again, find the middle ground. We don't want to be overly tiptoeing or walking on eggshells or feeling like we've got to find the perfect moment. But if you're really stressed and heightened, that's not a good time because your nervous system is going to be sending so much information to their nervous system that you're already going to be in this threatened state.
0:12:16.36 → 0:12:36.58
Both of you are going to be dysregulated going into that conversation and that is not what we want. So choose your moment, wait till you're grounded and don't ambush them with the conversation. Right. Particularly for an avoidant partner. They're not going to want anything where they feel suffocated or overwhelmed or backed into a corner.
0:12:36.69 → 0:13:20.02
So really asking for permission, hey, there's something I'd like to chat to you about. When would be a good time and if that's in a week or three, let it be when it will be. Obviously again with accountability and making sure you do actually get to have the conversation, but not in a way that feels like their backs up against the wall because that's going to put them on the defensive straight out of the caden. That is obviously not conducive to the kind of conversation we want to have here. I think the other thing is try and really be curious and open minded into what their position is rather than, as I said, attacking them or trying to control or manipulate them to the extent that they're not on the same page as you.
0:13:20.12 → 0:14:00.03
Try and actually hear what they're saying. Try and understand what their concerns are or their reservations are and be open to rather than just doubling down on your position and being forceful with that. Is there some middle ground that isn't just my way or your way, figuring out what that might look like and putting it to them, not just putting it on yourself to come up with the solution? Really collaboratively going, okay, what might this look like for us? Now, to give you a specific kind of example of how this might go, Because I think a lot of the time what will happen is anxious person wants to move in together, suggests that to avoidant partner.
0:14:00.08 → 0:14:53.22
Avoidant partner says, I don't think we're there yet because they might have reservations around, something like that because that's going to be a big deal for most avoidant people to give up their space, their independence, their autonomy, and to really merge with someone in quite a literal sense that's going to feel really edgy for them. So it will take them longer in most cases than it will take an anxious person to be ready for that. If that happens and they say, I don't think we're there yet, rather than being hurt and lashing out, could you potentially have sympathy for that and go, okay, fair enough. Can we revisit this in three months time or six months time? And if they say, oh, I don't really want to put a deadline on it, let's just see how we go, that's the point at which you can go, I hear you, and I understand that you don't want to feel controlled or pressured.
0:14:53.36 → 0:15:38.05
At the same time, it's really hard for me to just feel kind of open ended and like, I don't know where this is going. It doesn't have to be a decision we make right now, but it would be really helpful for me if we had some sort of structure around when we're going to revisit the conversation so it doesn't feel like this thing looming over us that I don't have any visibility over. So really asserting that need and going, I understand it doesn't have to be today and it doesn't have to be tomorrow, but it would be really supportive for me if we could agree to revisit this conversation in whatever period of time makes sense. So that is how you set a boundary, right? Again, I think so many people go, oh no, a boundary means I have to declare an ultimatum and say it's now or never, and do some big dramatic storm out.
0:15:38.17 → 0:16:11.51
No, the boundary can just be going, okay, I hear you, but here's my needs, so how can we meet in the middle? That is how you build healthy relationships based on trust and mutual respect. So I hope that that has been helpful in giving you not only the mindset stuff, but also some more practical tools and strategies. If you found this helpful again, I really do encourage you to sign up for Healing Anxious Attachment when it opens next week. Not only do you get eight modules of video lessons, workbooks, meditations from me, but we also have two live Q&A calls.
0:16:11.53 → 0:16:44.90
So you can come on live with me and bring questions like this or anything else that you're struggling with and get live coaching from me. So if that's something that appeals to you and you are looking to make some changes and get some support, I really, really do encourage you to join the waitlist and sign up to your Healing Anxious Attachment next week when doors open. And if you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful if you can, leave a five star rating. If you're listening on Spotify, leave a review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, it really does help so much, and I'm so grateful to all of you for your ongoing support of the podcast.
0:16:45.09 → 0:17:09.12
Thanks so much for joining me, everybody, and I look forward to seeing you next week. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you're enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:17:09.18 --> 0:17:13.88
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
"What's the difference between privacy and secrecy in relationships?"
In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between privacy and secrecy. Depending on where you sit on the attachment spectrum, you may have a complicated relationship with privacy - both your own and others'. We'll discuss where the line is between privacy and secrecy, and what to do if you find other people's privacy uncomfortable or triggering.
In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between privacy and secrecy.
Depending on where you sit on the attachment spectrum, you may have a complicated relationship with privacy - both your own and others'. We'll discuss where the line is between privacy and secrecy, and what to do if you find other people's privacy uncomfortable or triggering.
WHAT WE COVER:
what's the difference between privacy and secrecy?
anxious attachment and the need for information to eliminate uncertainty
the trust wound
avoidant attachment and protectiveness around privacy
important caveats where there has been a known breach of trust
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:37.59
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the question of when does privacy become secrecy?
0:00:38.03 → 0:01:24.42
Where is the line between privacy and secrecy? How can we navigate this? And how can we probably become more comfortable with reasonable levels of privacy without experiencing privacy as secrecy? And I'm really talking to my anxiously attached listeners there because without giving too much away of what we're going to talk about today, I'm sure you can relate to feeling really uncomfortable with privacy and probably feeling like privacy is secrecy. So we're going to be talking about that, what the difference is between the two, how you can become more trusting of reasonable boundaries around privacy, and also some caveats to privacy versus secrecy when there has been a breach of trust.
0:01:24.55 → 0:01:51.40
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just a reminder again, that my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is opening up for early bird enrollment in about ten days for those on the waitlist. So if you're interested, definitely join the waitlist. That will ensure that you get notified when doors open and will also allow you to access the early bird price, which is exclusive to those on the waitlist.
0:01:51.46 → 0:02:26.66
So the link to that is in the show notes, if you're interested, and I definitely encourage you to cheque it out. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I discovered the On Attachment podcast a few weeks ago and I've been listening to it at every opportunity since. Stephanie's helped me understand why it feels like I spin out and why my self esteem plummets at certain times in my life and recognising these triggers has already helped me to self soothe and make choices to keep myself on track. The podcast has brought me closer to my partner and also, strangely, to my parents. It's allowed my parents and I to understand our dynamic as a family and to communicate and support one another better.
0:02:26.76 → 0:02:44.48
It's also helping my parents navigate their anxious avoidance cycle. I'm realising that my anxious attachment style has ruled my life and my emotions in so many ways since I was a kid. And I'm so looking forward to joining the next Healing Anxious Attachment course this month. Thank you so much, Stephanie. Thank you so much for that beautiful review.
0:02:44.61 → 0:03:02.74
That is so lovely to hear that not only you're having those experiences of growth and transformation, but that it's rippling out to the relationships in your life and your family and your parents. That's really, really amazing. And humbling. So thank you for sharing that. It's put a big smile on my face.
0:03:02.79 → 0:03:54.85
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes, which will be a nice supplement to the healing anxious attachment course if you do end up joining this month. Okay, so with that out of the way, let's dive into this conversation about privacy and secrecy. So as a starting point, I think we need to distinguish between what privacy is and what secrecy is. And while the specific content of privacy versus secrecy is likely to be contextually specific, I think it's useful to define them by reference to the energy or the intention behind it. And in my mind, privacy is my partner doesn't need to know about this, but they could, and it wouldn't be a problem, whereas secrecy is.
0:03:54.89 → 0:04:36.84
I have to make sure they don't find out about this, because if they did, it would be a problem. Okay, so secrecy has this quality of concealment. I have done something that is in breach of some boundary or agreement which is overt or implied in our relationship. I've done something in breach of that, and I've got to go about making sure my partner doesn't find out because there would be adverse consequences for our relationship if they were to find out. Whereas privacy is just I don't need to share every single thought, feeling, movement, everything I do in a day, everything I think and feel, I don't need to share that with my partner, and I don't need them to share that with me.
0:04:37.29 → 0:04:56.93
So that's the starting point, right? And it's really important to understand that privacy is a good thing. Privacy is important. Privacy is a feature or a byproduct of having healthy boundaries in a relationship. Where this gets really tricky is when we overlay attachment dynamics onto it, which is often the case, right?
0:04:57.02 → 0:06:00.17
We can have the base conversation and then we have the attachment overlay where it gets a little bit more complicated and charged. So on the anxious side, in my experience, privacy feels like secrecy because we have oftentimes a trust wound and we have this anxiety and we have this real struggle around uncertainty. And so our anxiety will tell us that the antidote to uncertainty is information, and gathering as much information as possible is going to alleviate the anxiety, and that's how we're going to get to safety. Unfortunately, what that means is someone else's reasonable privacy feels threatening to us, and that can lead us to be invasive and intrusive and do things like snoop or pry or ask probing questions of someone. And if you're in a relationship with someone who leans more avoidant, they're likely to have a really protective response to that.
0:06:00.21 → 0:06:51.80
Because if we walk around to the other side of the street and we look at how avoidant leaning people relate to privacy and secrecy. We know that for avoidant people a sense of self and clear autonomy and independence and not feeling controlled, that's really important to them, feeling safe in a relationship. So they're likely to lean heavily on privacy as their right, as something that they're entitled to, and they're likely to be very protective of that. So to the extent that their partner, who might be more anxious leaning, starts to push the boundaries of that because they're feeling anxious and their partner's privacy feels threatening to them, they're going to double down on that privacy. And really push them away, which is going to send alarm bells ringing for the anxious person going, oh, no, they're really hiding something because they're not just opening the kimono, so to speak.
0:06:51.98 → 0:07:37.05
So what do we do with that? I think that this is a much bigger conversation than I can get into in a short Q and A episode. But I think the essence of this one is if you are more anxious leaning and you notice that privacy is triggering for you, someone else having privacy, that's a good sign that you need to work on your own boundaries. Because I suppose the flip side of this is you're likely to not protect your own privacy very much. And I think that a lot of anxious people tend to be like an extreme open book, tend to over disclose, tend to offer everything up very early in a relationship because there's this story that to tell someone everything, that's how we build connection, right?
0:07:37.25 → 0:08:07.45
That if I just kind of disclose everything and tell you all of my secrets or whatever, if I just share everything with you, that's how I build connection with you. And so privacy is not something that you're likely to value so much for yourself. Which again, reinforces the fact that someone else's valuing of their privacy is offensive, is threatening, is hurtful, is them pushing you away, is them not wanting to connect with you. Okay? But we really need to recognise here what of that is our stuff.
0:08:07.64 → 0:08:55.12
And I'd say in that circumstance, when it is just healthy levels of privacy, there's no reason to be suspicious of anything of concern. I think that's our responsibility to get curious about, to increase our tolerance for that. And that's really our work around uncertainty and the ways that we try to manage uncertainty through control. Okay, so if you're more anxious leaning and you are nodding in self recognition here, that's your work, right, is to do the work around what's my relationship to uncertainty and control and vulnerability? Because I think a lot of the time, and this is an important point, we seek transparency, all the information, as a substitute for trust, right?
0:08:55.14 → 0:09:24.22
We tell ourselves that if we know everything, then we'll be able to decide whether or not to trust. And that really defeats the purpose of trust. It undermines the whole premise of trust, which involves an element of the unknown. It involves uncertainty, it involves vulnerability. So if the only reason you trust someone is because you are satisfied that you have gathered all the information that there is to know and there's nothing to lead you to believe that you shouldn't trust them, that's actually kind of missing the point.
0:09:24.27 → 0:09:46.72
That's not really trust, that's just control. And it's very flimsy because it commits you to having to keep gathering all of the information all the time in order to keep assessing whether or not you can trust. Okay? So that is your growth edge. If you're someone who does lean, more anxious or otherwise, but you know that you struggle with other people's privacy, that is really where your work is.
0:09:46.90 → 0:10:26.13
Now, the caveat to all of this is where there has been a known breach of trust in a relationship, an obvious example being infidelity in those circumstances, it may be reasonable to forego a level of privacy for a period of time while trust is rebuilt. So, for example, if your partner was caught doing something on their phone sexting with someone or was still on dating apps or something like that, and that was a breach of trust in your relationship? That was a breach? Of the boundaries of your relationship, then for a period of time after that, it may be reasonable for you to agree that they don't get privacy around their phone. Right?
0:10:26.17 → 0:11:33.46
That they have to sacrifice that and commit to a level of transparency, meaning actually volunteering information that would be more than regular levels of privacy would require in order to rebuild trust. And the onus really needs to be on them, on the person who has betrayed trust to give up those privileges for a period of time in order to go above and beyond to rebuild the trust. So I think that that's an important qualifier to this conversation around privacy. Trust and secrecy is that the starting point should be privacy, but where you've been given a valid reason to not trust in the safety of privacy, then that might be a conversation to be had and something to negotiate. And I really encourage you to probably seek out the support of a couple's therapist or someone who can be a neutral third party to help you manage that, because it can get really charged and highly emotional and can be really challenging to navigate on your own.
0:11:33.56 → 0:12:12.59
So I hope that that's been helpful for you in answering this question of what's the difference between privacy and secrecy? Where's the line between them and what's reasonable, what's healthy, what's unhealthy? And if you recognise that in yourself that healthy privacy feels unsafe for you, then that's a really good sign that there's some work to be done around the trust wound and your relationship to uncertainty and control. And that's very much fertile ground for self exploration. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a quick review if you're listening on Apple podcasts or a five star rating.
0:12:12.64 → 0:12:34.09
If you're listening on Spotify, it really does help so much. Otherwise, I will see you again next week. Thanks so much for joining me guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram, @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com.
0:12:34.21 → 0:12:43.34
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Ways to Support a Fearful Avoidant Partner
In today's episode, I'm sharing 5 ways to support a partner with a fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment style. The fearful avoidant attachment style is often considered the most complex and challenging of the attachment styles, characterised by a conflicting push-pull between wanting intimacy and fearing it.
In today's episode, I'm sharing 5 ways to support a partner with a fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment style.
The fearful avoidant attachment style is often considered the most complex and challenging of the attachment styles, characterised by a conflicting push-pull between wanting intimacy and fearing it.
WHAT WE COVER:
the betrayal wound and the importance of honesty & openness in building trust
striking the right balance between compassion & firm boundaries
how to make the fearful avoidant feel loved & appreciated
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:38.09 → 0:01:20.06
So this episode has been much requested and has been a long time coming. I recorded a couple of episodes last year that were how to support an anxious partner and how to support an avoidant partner. But I never quite got around to doing a standalone episode for the fearful avoidant partner and I think it's fair to say that there are enough differences and points of distinction between fearful avoidant and a more classic dismissive avoidant attachment that it's very much worthy of its own episode to dive into those. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And I'll say at the outset that this is very personal because I am in relationship with someone who has a fearful avoidant attachment style.
0:01:20.09 → 0:02:00.21
So this is very much drawn from personal experience and I have run these five tips past my partner, Joel, and had his sign off. So I've got my in house consultant on fearful avoidant attachment. So there you go. You can know when you're listening to this, that not only does it have that tick of approval, but it's also very much coming from the perspective of me and in my relationship, having found ways to navigate and create healthy, secure connection, despite those attachment, fears, insecurities and what could be described as quote unquote, problem behaviours. Although I don't really like that term, but you know what I mean.
0:02:00.36 → 0:02:41.50
Me, of course, having done a lot of work, but definitely leaning anxious in the way that I experience my own attachment fears and behaviours, and my partner very much being in that fearful avoiding camp, we've managed to overcome those starting points and build something really beautiful. So I give you these tips, not as a hypothetical, but really as almost an audit of what has worked really well for us. So I thought I'd share that, just to give a little bit of extra context and take it out of the abstract a bit. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my Signature Course, is opening for enrollment in less than two weeks.
0:02:41.63 → 0:03:02.70
At the time of recording, there are over 900 people on the waitlist, which is amazing. I'm so touched to see how many people are interested in the course. For those who are new to the podcast and to my work, there are a lot of you recently. Healing anxious attachment is my signature course. It's an eight week programme, but you have lifetime access to all of the materials.
0:03:02.81 → 0:03:41.54
This will be the fourth time that I'm running it and it really distils down everything that I know, teach, have practised myself and have guided so many other people through in moving from anxious attachment to a more secure way of experiencing relationships. So it's a very powerful programme and I highly recommend jumping on that waitlist via the link in the show notes if you're interested. Being on the Waitlist will just ensure that you get first access when registration opens and you'll also save $100. So if you're interested, definitely join the Waitlist just to give yourself the option. One stores open in less than two weeks.
0:03:42.15 → 0:04:00.69
The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is are you listening to my thoughts? I swear, it's like Stephanie knows exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and what's happening in my relationship. I've never listened to a podcast, audiobook or read a book that is this in line with my headspace? Everything offered is so incredibly helpful to the anxious mindset. So glad I found this.
0:04:00.73 → 0:04:09.43
Thank you. Thank you for that review. I always laugh when people say that because I do hear it a lot. Are you inside my head? How do you know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling?
0:04:09.59 → 0:04:47.29
And the honest answer is because I have had the same thoughts and feelings most of the time when I'm giving examples, they're drawn from my own experience. So you can rest assured that I have been very much there in the trenches with you. And to the extent that it feels like I'm inside your head, it's really just because I'm inside my own and I 100% understand what it's like. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, so with all of that out of the way, let's dive into five tips for supporting a fearful avoidant partner.
0:04:47.47 → 0:05:19.50
And just before I get into these five tips, I want to say that this is not about one person doing all of the heavy lifting in a relationship in terms of providing the emotional support, providing the stability, providing the regulation. Of course, we want to have a level of balance there. We want to have a level of investment and participation on both sides. And I know that the common complaint from anxious people is, why do I have to be the one supporting them? When are they going to support me?
0:05:19.68 → 0:06:01.48
I totally understand that. And as I mentioned earlier, this is one of a series of episodes. I do have episodes around what you can do as the partner to an anxious person to be more supportive. So it's not intended to suggest that it is your job to create safety for your partner, that it's your job to stabilise them, that it's your job to manage their emotional experience, their woundedness, their behaviour. It's not your job and at the same time, of course, in a relationship, we want to be supporting our partner and we want to be creating the space for them and us to grow and thrive together.
0:06:01.58 → 0:06:35.30
So it's one of those areas where both of the things can be true, it's not your job. And I would say that in a healthy relationship, we do want to be interested in the ways in which we can support our partner. With that being said, let's dive into these five tips. So the first tip that I want to offer you is this in your relationship with your fearful avoidant partner, prioritise honesty, openness and demonstrable trustworthiness whenever you can. So most fearful avoidant people have a strong betrayal wound.
0:06:35.44 → 0:07:15.35
Now, they might not have this in a conscious way, they might not say like, oh yeah, I've got a betrayal wound, I think everyone's going to betray me. But there does tend to be this sense of people can't be trusted and this real sense of guardedness and wariness around what it means to trust someone. So for a lot of fearful avoidant people, they will experience a resistance to that, a sense of if I trust you, you're going to hurt me. And if anything, the closer we get, the more power you have to hurt me. And so I'm even more wary of trusting the people that I really love and care about because of that power that they have to hurt me.
0:07:15.42 → 0:07:58.32
And that really stems from the origin story. For most fearful avoidant people is some sort of early environment where they were simultaneously drawn to and afraid of their primary caregivers. So I need you and I depend on you and I want to be close to you, but when I'm close to you, I feel like I can't trust in the safety of that connection and I need to pull away because I feel afraid. So there's this sense of the people who I'm closest to and who I love most and who I need are also the people with the power to hurt me most. So because of that, there is this real sense of guardedness.
0:07:58.46 → 0:08:39.02
And so in being the partner to someone with that wound, the way that you can be sensitive to it and to really support them, to heal that wound, is to be really honest and open and trustworthy by showing them, I have nothing to hide, I'm here, you can depend on me. And that's not going to be to your detriment to do that. I'm not trying to trick you, I'm not trying to betray you. And certainly to the extent that you show yourself to me or you depend on me, I'm not going to make you regret that, right? I'm not going to use that against you in any way.
0:08:39.12 → 0:09:26.32
I'm going to prove myself as being a safe space for you to be vulnerable and to really build that trust in both directions. So prioritising that honesty, openness and trustworthiness. And I would say kind of as a corollary to that, not being judgmental of them at all, really allowing them to let down their guard and be themselves will be really supportive and really healing for them. Okay, the next tip that I want to offer you is encourage your partner to voice their needs and boundaries proactively rather than reactively or once there's been some kind of rapture. So if you've been around for a while or you've gone back and listened to that episode around supporting an anxious partner, I gave a similar version of this.
0:09:26.45 → 0:10:02.42
So when it comes to needs and boundaries, this is an area where the fearful avoidant very much exhibits traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment. And they kind of pull from each and swing between extremes. So what I mean by that is initially a fearful avoidant person will typically suppress their needs, not voice their boundaries. Try and people, please try and make everyone happy. I don't want to upset anyone by asking for space, for example, oh, if I ask my partner for space, they're going to take it personally and they're going to get upset with me and I don't want to hurt them.
0:10:02.44 → 0:10:32.39
So I just won't ask for space. I'll just go with whatever they want, right? So that's the more typical anxious response of kind of fawning of deferring to the other person, of just going with the flow because I don't want to rock the boat. But what happens to the fearful avoidant is ultimately they reach boiling point and they get to this point where they really do need whatever it is they need. They need space, they need time to themselves, but they snap.
0:10:32.73 → 0:11:25.21
And so they then have this big response, and that snap tends to come out as a more avoidant response. So they might pull away, they might get angry, they might withdraw, they might try and leave the relationship, but it'll be this really big disproportionate response because they've been suppressing and suppressing and the volcano has been rumbling and then comes the eruption. Now, where that differs from an anxious person is that while anxious people tend to also suppress and then erupt, the eruption tends to be in an effort to connect. So it's this sense of, you don't even care about me, subtext, please care about me, please meet my needs, please see me, please listen to me. For the fearful avoidant, it tends to be you're trying to control me or you don't care about my needs and that's why I need to get away from you because you're not safe.
0:11:25.31 → 0:12:19.84
So you can see how they diverge in that respect and how the fearful avoidant leans on their more avoidant parts and their more avoidant strategies at the point of trigger. And that's when they pull away and have a big defensive and protective response. So all of that to say, if you as their partner, can really proactively, create a safe space and create a culture in your relationship where it is safe to talk about needs and boundaries and safe to express those and really honouring each other's needs and boundaries, then that is going to be really supportive for your partner. And again, that's going to help them in unlearning the old way, which can lead to really destructive behaviours and relearning something that's a bit more self responsible and conducive to healthy relationships. So what we wouldn't want to be doing here, for example, is making them feel bad for needing space.
0:12:19.99 → 0:12:51.15
Right? Again, I keep coming back to this example because it's definitely been one in my relationship. When we were first dating, my partner did feel really reluctant to voice his need for space because he was worried he would upset me. But what that would lead to is him not voicing his need for space but then reaching a point where he just had to take space but he wasn't communicating to me. And so I was left thinking that something was wrong because he was having this bigger reaction to the fact that he hadn't asked for what he needed.
0:12:51.35 → 0:13:28.34
And so it's almost like the part of him that really needed that space was just grabbing the wheel and driving the bus off a cliff because it felt ignored. And so we've now gotten to the point where we're able to talk about that and negotiate it and it's not threatening to either of us anymore. And that allows us to navigate our togetherness and our separateness in a way that meets both of our needs and that doesn't feel stressful or intimidating for us to talk about. Okay? So the next tip that I want to offer you is this find the middle ground between compassion and firm boundaries.
0:13:28.53 → 0:14:21.12
So this is really universal relationship advice. I've often talked about the need to toe that line between compassion for other people's pain and firm boundaries and accountability for poor behaviour. And nowhere is that more true than in this kind of relationship dynamic with someone who can have a lot of volatility, who can have a lot of reactivity, and who can engage in destructive behaviour. So what we want to do here is go, okay, I'm not going to make you into the villain, I'm not going to throw insults at you, I'm not going to say that there's something wrong with you. I can understand and have compassion for the inner turmoil that you're experiencing and how hard this is for you at the same time as having really clear boundaries around the kinds of behaviour that are not acceptable to me that don't work for me in relationship.
0:14:21.65 → 0:15:08.97
So an example of that might be if your partner does get triggered and pulls away and gives you the silent treatment for five days right, you can go, okay, I understand that you're in some sort of storm internally and that must be really hard and at the same time, that really doesn't work for me. That's not fair to me and it causes me a great deal of anxiety to feel like I can't reach you, to not know where we stand, for you to be refusing to engage with me. And so going forward, if we're going to be in this relationship, we need to find a better way of navigating that situation where you are really triggered that doesn't just leave me scrambling and alone and anxious. Right? So it's that combination, right.
0:15:09.01 → 0:15:30.96
I recognise that this is hard for you. I recognise that you might not be trying to hurt me, but that is the result of this behaviour and so we need to put some boundaries in place. So it really is that thing of can I have compassion for you without creating excuses for you? And as a side note, if you're more anxious, the boundaries piece is absolutely essential for you. And that will be your growth edge.
0:15:31.02 → 0:16:03.04
Because your tendency once you learn about their struggles and the things that are hard for them, your tendency is probably to overcompensate on the compassion and maybe let the boundaries go to go, oh, it's just because they are feeling this thing, or because they're scared of that or blah, blah, blah, right? Yes. We can absolutely have that empathy and compassion while also going, yeah, great, you're scared and this is how that makes me feel and that doesn't work for me. Right. We don't want to lose ourselves in the process of being compassionate and empathetic.
0:16:03.17 → 0:16:30.00
So have compassion while also holding onto those firm boundaries. That is both for you and for them. This is really important, okay. In my relationship, having those firm boundaries with my partner when there have been moments where he's engaged in behaviour that hasn't worked for me, that's been really important for me in not losing myself, right? In not, again, just suppressing my stuff in order to caretake for him or to accommodate his ups and downs.
0:16:30.06 → 0:17:07.22
But it's also been really, really important for him because it creates a level of accountability and there's actually a lot of trust and respect that is baked into a firm boundary, communicated with love, because it's saying, I'm here, I see you, I love you. And if we're going to make this work, here's what needs to happen, right? It is actually a commitment to making the relationship work rather than an effort to control someone or dictate to them how they have to behave or whatever else. Right? And having that firm loving boundary has been really helpful for my partner, in course, correcting him and going, okay, fair enough.
0:17:07.83 → 0:17:35.50
When I behave like that, that isn't fair to my partner. And I do love and care about this person and I don't want to jeopardise this. So it can kind of emerge as the voice of reason that brings the fearful avoidant back to centre and clarifies for them. What it is they really want and really encourages them to take responsibility in a way that feels safe. So the boundaries are for both of you and are really, really important in making this relationship work.
0:17:35.63 → 0:17:53.07
Okay, so the next tip is show that you recognise how much they care. Because they do. I mean, of course there's going to be individual variation. I can't speak for every single relationship and every single person, but on the whole, people with a fearful avoidance attachment style are deeply caring. They really are.
0:17:53.11 → 0:18:46.85
They're very emotional and they do care about the people they love so much. So when they're in relationship and they feel like they're being told all of the ways all the time that they're doing it wrong and that they're not enough or that they keep making mistakes, they keep hurting someone, they can feel really demoralised. And that really feeds into their inner critic, which typically is pretty relentless, their sense of guilt and shame, which runs rampant. And that can really lead them to pull away from a relationship and they pull away often from a place of I don't want to hurt this person, I see how much I'm hurting them. So they can have a lot of, as I said, that inner critic, that self blame, that sense of brokenness and defectiveness can be really profound for their fearful avoidant.
0:18:46.93 → 0:19:42.03
So what you can do as their partner to support them and to counteract some of that self criticism, that they tend to be pretty harsh on themselves, is really show that you recognise how much they care. Show that you recognise their effort, the ways that they show love, the ways that they show up for you, all of the things that you appreciate, admire, respect about them. Because I can tell you that internally, the scales are tipped so far in favour of all of the negatives and that will be irrespective of what you're doing. That will be their internal dialogue in 99% of cases. So if you can really lead with showing them how much you really care for, respect, admire, appreciate them, that's going to be really healing for them and will go a long way in helping with all the other stuff, right?
0:19:42.12 → 0:20:05.16
Cultivating trust, allowing them to feel safe, to voice needs and so on and so forth. So be proactive in voicing those things. Now, again, that's good relationship advice across the board, but it's certainly really important in this case. And last but not least, as much as possible, try to be patient with them. Now, I know that that might feel like unfair advice and I get that.
0:20:05.34 → 0:20:48.21
And that advice is 100% subject to the need to have firm boundaries, the need to create accountability, the need to advocate for yourself. I'm certainly not suggesting that your patience should mean making excuses for bad behaviour, for breaches of trust, for anything like that, but within reason, can you be patient with your partner? Can you understand how deep this stuff runs? Can you understand that when they are acting out, they are acting out from a place of visceral fear and that it will take time to repatten that and to rewire that and to rebuild that and learn new ways of being. So it's not something that's going to happen overnight.
0:20:48.26 → 0:21:39.62
It's not something that they can just flip a switch off the back of one conversation that you guys have about needs and boundaries and all of a sudden it's going to be fixed, right? If you've listened to my work for a while, you know that for you author them, this stuff runs deep. And it is, it's visceral, primal, fear based stuff and it's often not the domain of our rational brain. So giving them some grace and being patient while, as I said, still having boundaries and still creating accountability, but not saying, I told you not to storm out of the room when you get frustrated. Yes, of course, in an ideal world, we'd only have to have those conversations once, but again, within reason, I think we have to be understanding of the fact that it does take time to shift these things.
0:21:39.72 → 0:22:32.06
And the more that we can foster that change from a place of love and acceptance and care and respect, the more effective that's going to be. And I promise you that whatever frustration you have with your partner pales in comparison to the frustration they have with themselves. That is, again, I would say true in 99% of cases. For the fearful avoidant, they really are so hard on themselves. And so, as much as possible, if you can be patient, if you can show them that you're not going anywhere, that you're there for them, that you love them, you see them and you accept them, while also striving for growth together and separately, that will really pay dividends for your connection and your bond together.
0:22:32.51 → 0:23:01.72
So I hope that that's been helpful. Whether you're listening as someone in relationship with a fearful avoidant partner, whether you are fearful avoidant yourself and you might want to share this with a partner, or whether you're listening as a bystander, and it might just give you some food for thought in your own relationship. So, as always, I'd be super grateful if you could leave a five star rating or a review. It really does help so much, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode. Thanks guys.
0:23:03.21 → 0:23:25.76
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
“I’m anxious, he’s avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?”
In this episode, I'm answering the question of "I'm anxious, he's avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?"
In this episode, I'm answering the question of "I'm anxious, he's avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?"
WHAT WE COVER:
anxious-avoidant sexual dynamics
the sexual honeymoon period and what happens afterward
why avoidant partners withdraw sexually
how anxiously attached people use sex for validation
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:37.36 → 0:01:03.07
Is it weird that I want more sex than him? So this is something that I get asked a lot, and I have touched on this dynamic before on the show, but given the frequency with which I get variations on this question, I think it's important to devote a whole episode to unpacking it. And spoiler alert, it's not weird at all. This dynamic is actually extremely common. I would say more common than not.
0:01:03.19 → 0:01:53.61
So if you are someone in an anxious avoidant relationship and you have noticed a mismatch in Libido that looks like the anxious partner wanting sex a lot more than the avoidant partner does, rest assured, you're not alone. It's actually very, very common. So I'm hoping that in today's episode, I can unpack for you why that's not weird, why it actually makes a lot of sense, and what the drivers are of that dynamic and how you can work with it rather than exacerbating it. Because I think most people, without the knowledge and awareness of what's going on, will personalise this dynamic and act out from a place of hurt and make it a lot worse. And that can be really challenging because we get stuck there.
0:01:53.65 → 0:02:17.73
So that's what we're talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just another reminder that the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment is open, as at the time of recording, there are over 500 people already on the waitlist, which is amazing for anyone who's new around here, and I know there are a lot of you who are new. Healing anxious attachment is my signature programme. It's an eight week course.
0:02:17.93 → 0:02:50.63
I run it a couple of times a year and being on the waitlist is a no obligation thing. It's just that you'll get notified first when doors open and you'll also access discounted pricing for enrollment, so definitely cheque that out. If you're keen to know more, the link is in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is my only complaint is there aren't more episodes. I wish I found this podcast earlier, as it would have certainly healed a lot of past hurt a lot quicker.
0:02:50.73 → 0:03:02.18
I've never felt so heard and seen by a podcast. I think there's a lot of solace in knowing I'm not alone with my thoughts and behaviours now. Healing those. Thanks to unattachment. Thank you so much for your beautiful review.
0:03:02.23 → 0:03:40.60
I'm so pleased that you feel so heard and seen by what I share here. I think that, as you say, there is a lot of solace in knowing that you're not alone and that there's another way available to you. So I'm glad that's been your experience. If that was your review, if you could please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And if you want the chance to have your review read out and to get a freebie if you just leave a review on Apple podcasts unfortunately, it's only Apple podcasts that qualifies, as the other platforms don't allow for reviews.
0:03:40.71 → 0:04:00.12
But if you leave a review on Apple podcasts, I select one at random for each episode with two episodes a week. That means you've got two chances each week to be selected. And for anyone who has left a review whose review I haven't read out, please know that I read every single one of them. And I am so appreciative of you and your support. So thank you.
0:04:00.57 → 0:04:31.09
So let's look at how this usually plays out. Here's what I see time and time and time again. And to be very frank with you, I've experienced it myself, so I get it. At the beginning of an anxious avoidant relationship, you'll usually have a lot of sexual intensity. So you're going to have lots of chemistry, connection, passion, fireworks, hunger, lust, infatuation all of that sense of I can't get enough of you.
0:04:31.24 → 0:05:03.32
And that's kind of in all respects, but particularly sexually. And that feels really good for both people. The anxious person loves the feeling of being wanted and chosen and desired. That's like balm to the soul of the anxious partner. And the avoidant person gets a lot out of that too, because it's fun and they feel wanted and they feel desired and they feel successful, and they get all of the upside of the juiciness of that honeymoon period before their triggers set in.
0:05:03.42 → 0:05:39.81
So on both sides, that initial period is really exhilarating and rewarding. What tends to happen is that as the relationship becomes more serious, that could be anywhere from a month in to six months in to a year in, just depending on the arc of your particular relationship. As things become more serious, as that initial chemical rush tapers off, what will typically happen is the avoidant partner starts to pull away sexually. So they might have less interest in having sex. They might initiate sex less, they might just be less engaged in sex.
0:05:39.94 → 0:06:25.75
They might experience performance anxiety or other performance related challenges sexually. And so there are these really noticeable drop offs in their interest level in sex. And for the anxious partner, that sends the alarm bells ringing big time. Because not only did that initial period of sexual intensity feel really good for the anxious person, but the anxious person has a tendency to make it mean something that the avoidant person doesn't in other words, for the anxious partner, it's like, oh, we have this incredible sexual chemistry. That means that we have an incredible connection, that means that we're meant to be together, that means that I've never felt anything like this before, therefore you're the one.
0:06:25.90 → 0:06:45.93
This is serious, this is it. And that is all very exciting for the anxious person. So they get very attached as a result of that sexual intensity. When that sexual intensity shifts and all of a sudden is a little lacking, the anxious person internalises that and starts to panic, go, what have I done? I've done something wrong.
0:06:45.97 → 0:07:27.93
They're losing interest in me, they must not be attracted to me. Maybe they liked me at the beginning, but then I didn't perform well enough for them sexually and so they're no longer interested in having sex with me for that reason, I didn't do a good enough job. The anxious person's tendency to make everything about their failings and their unworthiness and their not good enoughness, very much bubbles to the surface here. And so the anxious person will typically test. So they'll notice this thing, they'll start to panic in their head and tell themselves the story and then they'll start to try and gather evidence and go, okay, is this just in my head or is it real?
0:07:28.00 → 0:08:19.08
Is this legit? And so what do they do? They'll maybe start to be more flirtatious with their partner or try to initiate sex more, try to seduce them or be more affectionate, try and hug and kiss them, all of those things to gauge the response, to see, are they really pulling away or am I making this up? And the avoidant person, possibly without realising it, receives all of that intensity, anxiety, escalated energy around sex as pressure, and so they're likely to respond to that by withdrawing further, which cements the anxious person's read of the situation as they've lost interest in me sexually. And for the anxious person, it's a very short walk from they've lost interest in me sexually to they're going to leave me, they don't want me anymore, I'm no longer useful to them.
0:08:19.21 → 0:09:24.07
Whatever connection we had is slipping away from me and I feel really out of control and panicked and like I've done something but I don't know what. So, as you can probably imagine, and I'm sure a lot of you listening have experienced this, and as I said, so have I, so I get it. And it's really challenging because as much as we can intellectually understand that that might not be about us, that might be about their intimacy fears, that might be about their inability to combine sex and love without feeling intensely, vulnerable in a way that leads their system to go into shutdown and protective mode as much as we can intellectualise that, it's really still very tender to our wounds, our unworthiness wounds. The part of us that just wants to be wanted and chosen and who feels like they had that and then it got taken away from them through no fault of their own. So don't underestimate how big this is in terms of the emotional imprint of it.
0:09:24.24 → 0:09:58.85
And you'll need to really approach it with a lot of self compassion because it's really easy to personalise it. It's really easy to make it all about you and take it as unequivocal evidence in support of those really painful stories about yourself that you're not good enough that no one's ever going to want you. That when you show yourself to someone, they reject you. That nothing you do is good enough to get someone's attention and keep it. Whatever the stories are, there are a lot of them and this is a vulnerable area where we can really spiral in our self worth.
0:09:59.02 → 0:10:34.95
So to return to the essence of the question, is it weird that I want more sex than him? No, not at all. It's very common because of that trajectory of sexual intensity followed by sexual withdrawal by the avoidant partner. Then the anxious person, when faced with the insecurity that comes with that fallout, wants sex more than ever because sex is equal to validation, sex is equal to reassurance sex, alleviates that fear of rejection or that feeling of rejection that has kind of infected the relationship. So it's actually very common.
0:10:35.02 → 0:11:10.45
And if anything, the more he pulls away, the more you're going to want sex for that reason that you just want the feeling of being wanted. So what do we do with all of this? It might feel overwhelming to hear me share what drives that pattern and how very common it is. And I'm not going to mislead you by saying that it's an easy solution. I think the honest truth would be to say that both people need to have a level of awareness and willingness to be vulnerable about this.
0:11:10.60 → 0:12:42.96
And so, while on the anxious side, you're probably spending a lot of time and energy ruminating over it, you will need a level of buy in from your avoidant partner in finding a way to experience sex together that works for you both, that feels safe and comfortable, that meets both of your needs and that will require you to talk about it. Unfortunately, as much as we all hate talking about sex and having those messy, vulnerable conversations, it's really a necessity in any relationship, but particularly in one where all of this emotional density is present in your sexual dynamic. So as much as possible on the anxious side, depersonalising it will help because it will allow you to show up to those conversations vulnerably without being in this state of panic and stress and accusation and self protection, which will only elicit a similarly reactive and defensive response from your partner. The other final piece that I'll suggest for again the anxious partner in this is cheque in with yourself around sex. When you're wanting sex from your partner when you're feeling like you'd want to initiate sex, just cheque in with yourself on whether you want sex or whether you want to feel wanted.
0:12:43.33 → 0:13:25.92
Because if it's the latter, then what you're really wanting is reassurance or validation that everything's okay. And that might point to a broader unmet need in the relationship, that you can get met in other ways and potentially healthier ways, rather than leaning on sex as an indirect way to get that validation of reassurance. So asking yourself, do I actually want sex right now? Or do I want to feel wanted by my partner? And that will again allow you to just have greater clarity for yourself around what the need is, and in so doing have a much better chance of getting that need met in a way that works for you, for your partner, for the relationship.
0:13:26.53 → 0:14:18.39
So I hope that that has been helpful in unpacking that dynamic that is so very common, giving you a bit of an understanding of why that happens and what drives it and some sense of what you can do and what not to do if you find yourself in that situation and you're needing to tackle it. I should also say I have a master class on my website called Sex and Attachment, which is I think it's about 90 minutes and goes into all of this obviously in a lot more detail. I do also have a module in my Healing Anxious Attachment course around building a secure sexuality. So if you are wanting to go deeper on this topic, I definitely suggest checking either the Sex and Attachment Masterclass, which is Instant access. You can get that on my website or as I said at the start, joining that waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment.
0:14:18.52 → 0:14:50.64
If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to leave a five star rating and a review. As I said, it does really help so much in getting the word out and helping the show continue to grow, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:14:50.70 --> 0:14:55.48
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
6 Tips for Avoidant People in Becoming More Secure
In today's episode, I'm offering 6 tips on how avoidant people can become more secure in their relationships.
In today's episode, I'm offering 6 tips on how avoidant people can become more secure in their relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of getting to know your inner world
learning to feel safe with healthy interdependency
increasing your tolerance for disharmony and conflict
getting curious about your triggers before acting on them
communicating with words rather than actions
the benefits of co-regulation for your nervous system
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.09 → 0:00:54.65
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing six tips for avoidant people in becoming more secure in their relationships. So this episode has been a long time coming. If you've been around here a while, you'd know that my work focuses predominantly on the anxious attachment experience, and that is for the simple fact that that's my own personal experience.
0:00:54.77 → 0:01:44.63
And I always find that teaching from a place of personal lived experience tends to be more nuanced and authentic and impactful than just teaching about something based on information. But with that being said, I also acknowledge that there are a lot of avoidant leaning people in my audience, in my community of listeners here, who are really hungry for support and for more content around the avoidant side of the street. And so I'm hoping that in today's podcast, I can give you at least a greater understanding of where your growth edges might be, as well as a starting point of roadmap for how you can start to take those steps towards greater security in your relationships. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being to say welcome to all of the new listeners.
0:01:44.68 → 0:02:16.59
I think there's been a little uptick in the past week or so. At the time of recording, the podcast is sitting at number two on the charts in the US. In the relationships category on Apple podcasts, which is pretty wild, as you can imagine. The relationships category is a pretty competitive one with a lot of really amazing people in the field. And so for my little old podcasts that I record and edit myself at home each week, to be sitting up there at number two is just incredible.
0:02:16.64 → 0:02:34.16
And I'm so grateful for your support. So whether you are brand new here or whether you've been here a while, I'm really grateful for you. Thank you. The second quick announcement is just to remind you that the waitlist for my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is now open. You can join that via the link in the show notes.
0:02:34.27 → 0:03:04.15
The course will be opening for enrollment in a few weeks time, and that only happens two to three times a year. So if you're interested, if you struggle with anxious attachment and you're looking to get some support, that's a great one to cheque out, and you'll be entitled to discounted pricing by joining the waitlist. The final quick thing to share is just the featured review, which is stephanie, you possess the gift of instilling hope through change in a most thoughtful, loving way. Thank you. From the depths of my evolving 60 year old anxious heart.
0:03:04.22 → 0:03:15.56
You are changing lives. Thank you for that beautiful review. A little bit emotional rig, that one. That really was so lovely and I am deeply appreciative for you. Thank you for being here.
0:03:15.69 → 0:04:02.57
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a small token of gratitude. Okay, so let's dive into these six tips for avoidant people in becoming more secure. Now, before I get into this, I should just clarify that when I'm talking about avoidant people here, most of what I'm saying will apply to those who are fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. And to the extent that there are noteworthy differences, I will call them out and make that distinction. But when we're talking here about avoidant people, it's really dismissive avoidant people and fearful avoidant people to the extent that they are in a more avoidant expression of themselves.
0:04:02.72 → 0:04:43.39
So that's usually in a relationship with a more anxious leaning person, that a fearful avoidant person is going to lean more avoidance. So it's a person who's exhibiting those avoidant traits in their relationships. These are going to be helpful steps and growth edges for you. The first one is get to know your inner world, spend some time acquainting yourself with your inner world and practise sharing aspects of that with others. So if you are more avoidant leaning, it's likely that you don't spend that much time introspecting self inquiring reflecting on your emotional state.
0:04:43.56 → 0:05:36.49
And that's okay. That's not something that's wrong with you. And certainly by contrast with a more anxious person who's at the other extreme of spending a lot of time in there in a world we probably both want to meet in the middle there, so that we're not overly bogged down in introspection and self inquiry, but we also have access to it in a way that can be supportive, in not only being able to ask ourselves what we need and how we're feeling and take our own temperature, so to speak. But it's also really hard to connect authentically with others when we are disconnected from ourselves. So something that I will hear time and time again and I've experienced is people in relationship with more avoidant partners, wanting to get through to them, wanting to access them, but feeling like there's this wall up, wanting to say, what are you feeling?
0:05:36.59 → 0:05:50.33
Tell me what you're thinking. And often the avoidant person isn't trying to block that or hide that. They actually just don't know the answer. They don't know what they're feeling, they don't really know what they're thinking. It's this sense of I just feel blank.
0:05:50.53 → 0:06:27.97
And I think that when you're under stress and you're being asked what's going on with you, that feeling of being blank or numb is really common. And so it's really important to get into the practise of self inquiry when the stakes are lower. So not when you've got your partner standing over you and demanding to know what you're thinking and feeling, which is going to feel pressured and overwhelming. But just on a day to day basis, can you cheque in with yourself, maybe start a journaling practise? And that probably feels uncomfortable, particularly if you're more dismissive listening to this.
0:06:28.01 → 0:06:47.98
You might be rolling your eyes right now and saying, I'm just not that kind of person. Not going to happen. And that's okay, you don't have to be that kind of person. But finding some sort of self practise that prompts you to cheque in with yourself and go, how am I feeling right now? And then experimenting again with sharing aspects of that with others.
0:06:48.03 → 0:07:02.86
So that might look like if your partner asks you how is your day? Or how are you? Rather than just rattling off an automated fine, yeah, it was good, whatever. Actually pause cheque in, ask yourself, how am I feeling? How was my day?
0:07:02.96 → 0:07:24.73
And share a little more. Let people in. And again, we can do this in bite sized pieces because we don't want to force ourselves to a pendulum swing to the other extreme, but just practise checking in and then sharing. Checking in and then sharing. And as you do that, it will feel easier, it will feel more natural, it will feel safer.
0:07:26.43 → 0:08:03.90
Okay, so the next one that I want to offer you is explore what it means to depend on other people and have them depend on you. So as an avoidant person, your operating system, your blueprint, is likely to go alone, to lean on hyperindependence, to take care of yourself, to be incredibly autonomous and self sufficient. And that's one of your great strengths. That is part of the brilliance of your adaptation, that you got really, really good at not needing anyone. And that's also your greatest downfall.
0:08:03.93 → 0:08:52.82
It's the thing that stops you from having the connected relationships that you really desire. So a big growth edge for avoided people is increasing comfort levels with depending on other people needing support, accepting support even if you don't strictly need it, actually just allowing people to support you without pushing that away and extending that support to others. So this really is the corollary of your aversion to depending on others, is that you likely have an aversion to them depending on you. This thing that comes up of, that's not my problem. Your emotions, your fears, your insecurities, your needs are not my problem.
0:08:52.95 → 0:09:45.03
If you're not happy with that, with how things are going, that's your problem, not mine. And so there can be this siloing of your stuff versus my stuff and a real discomfort or unfamiliarity with the idea of us, you know, all that this is our problem. That in a healthy relationship, we want this sense of mutuality, of reciprocity and of interdependency rather than pedestalizing. Hyperindependence as the gold standard of selfhood. So if you notice that in yourself that not only do you feel very uncomfortable with accepting support from other people and receiving that support, but you also have an aversion to giving it, extending that support to other people, that's something to really look at.
0:09:45.10 → 0:10:46.15
So I really invite you to explore that and particularly when you're stressed, when things are hard, when things feel vulnerable, your urge to go it alone will be amplified in those times of stress because that's when our protective strategies really rev up, when we're in a state of fear or stress. And so notice that tendency to want to swing to hyperindependence when you feel threatened or stressed and see what it would be like to instead take steps towards the other person both in a giving and a receiving sense. Okay, the next one that I want to offer you is work on increasing your tolerance for disharmony and conflict. So a lot of avoidant people have pretty low tolerance for relational disharmony. Meaning there can be unrealistic expectations on how a relationship should be, how easy it should be, and as soon as things feel hard or effortful or there's quote unquote drama, you want to cut and run.
0:10:46.27 → 0:11:32.56
Because the way I always describe this, and I usually am describing it to anxious people who can't understand it because they're the opposite, is you're starting point as an avoidant person is relationships are hard, relationships take a lot from me. And so they have to be really, really close to perfect. They have to be very harmonious and easy in order to be worth it. And so as soon as conflict starts to arise, as soon as there's disharmony, as soon as there's tension or stress or you feel criticised, it can really quickly tip the scales in favour of not worth it for me. And so I think a really important growth edge for avoidant people is working to build that container a little to increase your tolerance for reasonable levels of disharmony and conflict.
0:11:32.59 → 0:11:58.03
And when I say reasonable levels, I mean by contrast with unreasonable, unrealistic expectations of perfection in a relationship. So know that relationships involve ebb and flow. You will have conflicts from time to time. You will disagree, you will have differing opinions, you will have differing preferences. Your partner is not going to get it right every time.
0:11:58.15 → 0:12:28.24
And there may be a part of you that is rigid and judgmental and wants to make them wrong for that and wants to take that and make it mean the relationship is not right or it's not worth it, it's not working and retreat. So notice that. Okay? Notice that and try and stay in it. Try and persist through the discomfort of conflict and stick around for the repair process and see if you can be open to that process so that you can rebuild stronger.
0:12:28.35 → 0:13:31.20
And in doing that, you really will start to rewire some of those parts of you that have such a visceral reaction against any sort of perception that the relationship requires too much effort. Because as I said, it's going to be really hard to build a genuinely authentic, connected relationship if you have more or less zero tolerance for any kind of disharmony or conflict, because that is part and parcel of all relationships, even the good ones. Okay, so the next one that I want to offer you is get curious about your impulses before acting on them. So as with all of us, when we're in fear, when we feel threatened, when we feel stressed, our protective mechanisms jump to our defence really quickly, instantaneously, before we can really even think about it. For avoided people, what that often looks like is pulling away, retreating, withdrawing, blocking, checking out, even ending a relationship.
0:13:31.89 → 0:14:01.59
That impulse to run can be really strong. And I think a lot of the time that could be avoided by just pausing and getting curious. But again, that might not come very naturally to you. So part of the growth edge here is going, I'm feeling really judgmental towards my partner. I feel this sudden sense of resentment or disdain or even like disgust towards my partner.
0:14:01.71 → 0:14:45.55
And rather than just taking those feelings and those judgments and those thoughts at face value and going, that must mean that I don't like them that much or they're not the right person for me, or whatever else, there's something wrong with them, they're the problem. Get curious about it. Interrogate those thoughts rather than just taking them as fact, taking them at face value and making them mean that the relationship is wrong and you need to leave. Because I think that that's what can often happen is we just take that as evidence and that supports our body's impulse to run. We take that as confirming that fear story that wants to take you back to safety in your aloneness.
0:14:45.68 → 0:15:23.26
So before you do that, because you know what, that costs you to continue to retreat, to aloneness, to potentially sabotage or let go of relationships that you really did care about and you really did want, because your fear got the better of you. So before you do that, try to get curious and try to dig a level deeper underneath that surface level thought or emotional judgement and go, what's this really about for me? Is there something that I'm nervous about right now or afraid of? Am I feeling overwhelmed? Am I feeling criticised?
0:15:23.32 → 0:15:47.59
Am I feeling blamed? Am I feeling like a failure? Am I feeling not good enough? Rather than just pushing it back onto the other person, making it about them and then saying, you know what, I'll just leave, it's not worth it. Because as I said, that's just going to keep following you everywhere you go, that pattern, it's not something that you can run away from because you can't run away from yourself.
0:15:47.79 → 0:16:27.24
Okay, the next one that I want to offer you is try to communicate more with your words rather than relying on your actions. So again, this is good Practise across the board, but particularly if you tend to be in relationship with anxious leaning partners. It's really helpful for your partner if you can communicate what's going on for you directly, rather than trying to convey what you're wanting or needing or feeling indirectly via your actions or omissions, as the case may be. So what does this mean? Something that I hear a lot, and an ex of mine used to do this and it would drive me absolutely crazy.
0:16:28.57 → 0:16:54.88
I'd message him asking a plan, asking when he was going to get home, and he wouldn't reply to me. And eventually when I would get on to him, he'd say, I didn't know the answer at that time, so I didn't reply. And for me, as a more anxious person, it's like so obvious that you'd send a message saying, oh, sorry, I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know. But for him it was like, well, I didn't know the answer, so I didn't reply. I'll just wait until I do know the answer.
0:16:54.93 → 0:17:33.20
And you'll assume from my lack of reply that I don't know the answer. And so this was a classic example of our differing attachment patterns and probably personalities and relationship preferences really rubbing against each other. And it was such a trigger for me and I really struggled with it and it would have been so much easier for me had he just communicated directly with words. So I think that that's a really good thing to aim for and it's so low cost to you. It's not that difficult to just say to someone, hey, I'm running late, or hey, I'm feeling tired tonight, or hey, I'm busy at work so I probably won't be able to see you later.
0:17:34.13 → 0:18:16.81
I think avoidant leaning folks can leave a lot to omission. If you didn't hear from me, then it's obvious that I didn't want to talk to you. And for a more anxious leaning person, that sends them into a total spin. So I think having a bit more sensitivity to the other person's experience and trying to put yourself in their shoes a little more is probably a really good idea. Again, particularly if you're with a more anxious leaning person, given that you do have very different baseline tendencies, it can be really supportive to try and almost observe what they do and go, okay, maybe that's what they're kind of hoping for from me.
0:18:16.88 → 0:19:13.35
Now, that's not to validate that as a strategy, because I think it would be best if we all communicated directly, and God knows anxious people are terrible at that as well. But I think that's one really, as I said, easy, low cost area in which you, as an avoidant person, could contribute in a really positive way to the quality of the relationship, the trust in the relationship, the sense of steadiness and reliability and dependability is just communicating more proactively with your words rather than just leaning on actions or omissions as a form of communication for what you're doing, how you're thinking, how you're feeling. Okay, the 6th and final tip that I want to give you here is prioritise coregulation. So you may be familiar with the term coregulation if you've delved into nervous system stuff. I've got a very exciting guest episode coming up soon around nervous system regulation.
0:19:13.43 → 0:20:08.24
So definitely catch that if you're interested. But essentially by contrast with an anxious person whose work in this area is really around learning to self regulate because they can't very well, it is this sense of depending on the other person to be okay, the avoidant person is pretty comfortable on their own. Self regulation is not so much the issue, but coregulation meaning safe, attunement and closeness with another person's system can feel intensely vulnerable and so they may shy away from that because it doesn't feel safe. So practising that. And what this looks like, practically speaking, is like lingering in a hug for a little bit longer and just trying to relax your body into that and receive the safety of that experience.
0:20:08.77 → 0:20:49.68
Now of course, this is within reason and within your own personal boundaries and you don't want to be pushing yourself to do something that is really uncomfortable or unsafe. But I think that that really embodied experience of connection and closeness is a big growth edge for avoidant people because your impulse again will be to physically push it away. And so that's a real growth edge for avoidant people is increasing that comfort level with coregulation. And that's not just to accommodate a partner's preference, that's actually because it's extremely nourishing to your nervous system to get that coregulation. So if that feels again like going straight to doing that with a partner is too much, start with a pet, start with an animal.
0:20:49.71 → 0:21:14.62
That's a really beautiful way to practise coregulation. So that might be as simple as patting a dog and being really present with that and syncing up your breath to their breath and allowing yourself to kind of soak up the relaxation of that coregulation. It's like your nervous system sink to one another in this really grounding restorative. Nourishing way. So practise that.
0:21:14.72 → 0:21:46.64
Find ways that you can experience that safe co regulation and again, building up your capacity to have those experiences without having the fear come up and needing to push it away. Okay, so those were six tips for avoiding people and becoming more secure. I realised that was quite a journey we went on, so I'm going to quickly recap those. The first was spend some time getting to know your inner world and practise sharing that with others. The second was explore what it means to depend on others and have them depend on you.
0:21:47.09 → 0:22:09.98
The third was to work to increase your tolerance for disharmony and conflict. In your relationships. The fourth was to get curious about your triggers and your impulses rather than just acting on them. The fifth was to try and communicate with words rather than just actions or omissions, and the 6th was to prioritise that safe co regulation. I really hope that this has been helpful.
0:22:10.17 → 0:22:32.24
If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a review and a five star rating. It helps so much in continuing to get the word out and get the podcast ranking in all of these charts all around the world, which, as I said at the start, is just pretty mind blowing for me. I'm so grateful for you being here and I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks, guys.
0:22:34.29 → 0:22:56.34
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How to Initiate Hard Conversations with an Avoidant Partner
In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing tips for initiating hard conversations with an avoidant partner. This is a question I get a lot - how to express needs to an avoidant partner, how to set boundaries, how to share feedback. These conversations are already intimidating for many anxiously attached folks, and when combined with the sensitivities of the avoidant partner, can be a perfect storm.
In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing tips for initiating hard conversations with an avoidant partner.
This is a question I get a lot - how to express needs to an avoidant partner, how to set boundaries, how to share feedback. These conversations are already intimidating for many anxiously attached folks, and when combined with the sensitivities of the avoidant partner, can be a perfect storm.
WHAT WE COVER:
how to set yourself up for success in initiating hard conversations
the importance of a regulated nervous system
tips for reaching a mutually beneficial outcome
how to cultivate greater safety during conflict & challenging conversations
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.17 → 0:01:03.89
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of how do I initiate hard conversations with my avoidant partner? So this is a question that I get variations on all the time, this question of how do I bring up my needs with an avoidant partner, how do I share how I'm feeling or share feedback with an avoidant partner without scaring them away? And so I know that it's something that a lot of people struggle with, obviously oftentimes more anxious leaning people struggle with.
0:01:04.00 → 0:02:03.11
And I think that that comes from a confluence of factors. It's not only that avoidant leaning partners can be sensitive to criticism and to those conversations and might have resistance to them. But I think we also need to acknowledge that the starting point for more anxious leaning people is really struggling to take up space, to find their voice, to advocate for themselves, to express needs, to express boundaries. So we find this kind of double edged sword of it being already really intimidating a concept for an anxious person, and then sometimes not being met with the response that you might have hoped for from a more avoidant leaning partner. So it can lead to these really negative cycles, these downward spirals in the relationship whereby it quickly devolves into kind of attack, defend, shut down escalation.
0:02:03.29 → 0:02:53.06
And obviously nothing good comes of that kind of dynamic. It becomes very ineffective very quickly and whatever underlying issues or things needed to be talked about tend to just remain unaddressed and fester until the next time that someone gets triggered and it all becomes a bit more amplified and disregulated. And we all know how that story ends. So in this episode, I'm going to be giving you some really practical, straightforward, easy to implement tips on how you can set yourself up for success in initiating and then having hard conversations with a more avoided leaning partner. And I will say at the outset that this is really best practise for initiating a hard conversation with anyone.
0:02:53.67 → 0:03:44.98
It's not just an avoidant thing. But I think we can acknowledge that there can be sensitivity from more avoidant leaning people on having conversations that they anticipate, might be emotionally dense, or might be an opportunity for their partner to criticise them, to blame them, to tell them all the things that they're not doing right, because they do have heightened sensitivity around that. So, as I said, applicable for everyone, but especially helpful if you are a more anxious leaning person in relationship with a more avoidant leaning person. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements you may have heard me earlier in the week, announce that The Waitlist is now open for healing anxious attachment. Probably got about 150 people on the Waitlist in the last couple of days, which is amazing.
0:03:45.43 → 0:04:10.34
If you want to join the Waitlist, the next round of the programme will be opening for enrollment next month and The Waitlist entitles you to a discount and first access. So jump on the waitlist. That's all in the show notes. If you want to cheque out the course when it opens next month, the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. It's quite a long one, so I'm going to give you a shortened version.
0:04:10.48 → 0:04:33.74
It says, I've been going through a really tough year and I've sampled many relationship podcasts for ideas and advice. When I came across on Attachment, I immediately knew I'd stumbled upon a gem. When I listen, I feel as if Stephanie speaking directly to me, directly to my experience. A recent episode, My ex moved on immediately and I can't help but take it personally, was filled with so much needed insight that I was shocked at how much it applied to my situation. I listened to it twice in a row.
0:04:33.80 → 0:04:43.23
Amazing. Thank you, Stephanie. I look forward to hearing each and every episode as I journey towards healing and self improvement. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:04:43.32 → 0:05:15.63
If that was your review. If you just send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com, my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into how to initiate hard conversations with an avoidant partner. So I'm going to give you six tips or steps here. But before I do that, I just want to offer you an overarching piece of guidance, let's say, which is it's really, really important that your partner feels that they have choice.
0:05:16.45 → 0:06:15.56
Again, this is not just an avoidant thing, but it's especially important for an avoidant person because when we feel at a nervous system level, like we don't have choice, like we're trapped, like we're stuck, like we're being controlled, we go very quickly into fear and self protection. So throughout all of these, you'll notice that choice is really important and that's a really important thing to bear in mind. What we really want to avoid is any sense of forcing someone, coercing someone into having a conversation that they're not in a position to have. Because as much as that might seem frustrating or unfair to you, you're never going to get what you need. If you are forcing someone to have a conversation against their will because they are already back up against the wall, they're already in a state of disregulation and fear and self protection.
0:06:15.67 → 0:06:46.06
And whatever outcome you're hoping for, which I assume is something connective and growth oriented, is really, really hard to achieve in that state. You can think about it like the gates are already shut once they're in that state of Dysregulation. So we really want to get ourselves set up well for success here and start on the right foot. So with that being said, step one, make sure that you ask for permission when you want to have a hard conversation. Again, this goes for everyone.
0:06:46.11 → 0:07:32.11
This is just really good Practise. So rather than just saying we need to talk, or launching straight into whatever it is you want to say, lead with, hey, do you have time to talk at some point today? There's something that I'd like to chat to you about or there's something I'd like to share or whatever it is right, but saying when suits you to have a chat and waiting for their response, so it might not be right then and right there. And you as a more anxious leaning person may struggle with that because there tends to be, on the anxious side a lot of urgency around whatever is arising in you, whatever emotion is present. It's like it has to be right now and we need to talk about it and we need to fix it immediately or else it's not going to be okay.
0:07:32.18 → 0:08:16.57
Because I'm probably overheating on the inside in this state of high anxiety and panic, and that is a very urgent state. But we need to recognise that coming at someone with that energy of urgency and intensity again, is not going to be a good starting point for conversation. So asking for permission when suits you to have a conversation. And if they say, I'm a little busy at the moment or I'm tired right now, you kind of have to respect that. I'll add that if they just say, oh, I don't know, full stop and don't give you anything back, then you can proceed to set a boundary and say, well, can you please let me know when soothes over the next day or two?
0:08:16.64 → 0:09:06.99
Because this is important to me and you want to have some sort of resolution there. Because I think if it is left open, there's a good chance that you're going to continue to bubble away and escalate your own internal emotional state, which again is going to be detrimental to the conversation when you eventually have it. So get some clarity around when you're going to have the conversation, but also be open to that not being immediately given that that does fall into that category of kind of forcing or coercing someone to have a conversation when it suits you. Okay, the next tip is regulate yourself. So try as much as possible to be kind of relaxed and regulated and calm and grounded and clear all of those good words when you go into this conversation.
0:09:07.09 → 0:09:47.12
Now, that will be hard for a lot of anxious leaning people, particularly if you're nervous about the conversation, particularly if you've had similar conversations in the past that haven't gone terribly well. And so you're kind of subconsciously bracing for conflict or bracing for pushback or defensiveness or whatever else. But just know that if you're in that really constricted state where you are kind of braced, your partner is going to read that before you even open your mouth. Your nervous systems are just going to clock onto each other. And again, it's like your animals in in threat mode when that happens.
0:09:47.22 → 0:10:30.70
And it's really, really hard to have a productive, empathetic, nuanced, you know, multiple perspectives conversation where you can be collaborative and find your way to a mutually agreeable resolution. Really hard to do that when you're both in fear. So try as much as possible to regulate yourself. Maybe that looks like going for a walk or a run before the conversation, doing some other thing that brings your system down to a level of relative regulation, calm, groundedness, so that you're not teetering on the edge at the very outset of the conversation. The next tip is to be both clear and open minded.
0:10:30.81 → 0:11:09.44
Okay? So clear in the sense of I know what I want to share and say I've reflected on that, I've got clarity around what the essence of my concern is. So I'm not just going to go in there and spew out all of this jumbled, highly emotional stream of consciousness stuff that's going to get in the way of what I'm really trying to articulate. So I've taken responsibility for sifting through all of my own stories and emotions and triggers and I've gotten to the heart of what I need to share. So I'm clear around that and at the same time, be open.
0:11:09.57 → 0:11:50.99
Open minded, not overly rigid, not reading off a mental script and needing to get something specific back from them. Because I think that when we go in with that level of expectation and control, then it's really hard for us to be flexible around where the conversation goes. And again, if we're really looking to get to a mutually agreeable outcome, we do need to recognise that we're not the only person in the equation and that we need to have a level of openness and curiosity about the other person's perspective. So be both clear and open minded. Be open to something happening that you've never contemplated before.
0:11:51.06 → 0:12:33.00
I think so many of us go, oh, I know exactly how they're going to respond and I know if I say that, then they'll say that. And maybe that the more you go into it with that expectation, I promise you're just going to get that. You're going to get that back because there's no space for anything different when you are in that really narrow tunnel visioned kind of mindset around these conversations. And again, your nervous system is just conveying so much information to their nervous system that it becomes this self fulfilling prophecy and again, you eliminate the possibility of other outcomes. Okay, the next tip is to keep it to one issue.
0:12:33.13 → 0:13:09.99
I think the tendency with a lot of anxious people is I suppress everything. I don't talk about it, I don't talk about my feelings. And then as soon as I get a window of opportunity, I come out with my long list of complaints that I have been keeping a lid on. And so I might start with, you were late home last night and end up over here with ten different issues. And as much as it feels really important to share those things, and I know that it's hard to ask for the conversation, so once you've done that, it's really tempting to just lay everything on the table.
0:13:10.57 → 0:13:20.79
It feels like an onslaught for the other person. Imagine it. It's like you're sitting there and suddenly there's like 20 arrows flying at you. And what are you going to do? You're going to duck for cover?
0:13:20.91 → 0:13:41.90
You're going to get defensive and protective because that's a lot to receive. So try and keep it to one issue. Remind your sister, this isn't the last conversation I ever get to have with this person. Again, when we're in fear, it all becomes very global and extreme. I've got to talk about it now because it feels extremely important and urgent.
0:13:42.04 → 0:14:34.08
Just keep it to one issue, I promise you'll, at least then have a much better shot at getting that one issue resolved. Whereas if you start to bring in the shopping list of all of the other things, then there's a really good chance none of it will get resolved and you'll be more disconnected as a result. The next tip is to be prepared to take a break if needed. This is really standard advice I give to everyone when we're talking about conflict and relationships, but it's particularly important for anxious avoidant couples if you get dysregulated, meaning if one or both of you is starting to exhibit signs of a stress response and it's getting in the way of your conversation being productive, take a break. There's no use in proceeding and trying to push through that because you are just pushing yourselves into a more heightened emotional state.
0:14:34.13 → 0:14:52.20
And again, nothing good comes of it. You're not going to get the outcome that you want from that place. So be prepared to take a break, to slow down, to pause, to take space from each other. Let's take 20 minutes to cool down and then come back to the conversation. So be prepared to do that.
0:14:52.25 → 0:15:13.48
Again, for the anxious person, that's hard because you feel like they're running away from the conversation. You feel like they're trying to kind of emotionally abandon you is often the feeling that when you're really upset, they want to pull away and withdraw. So please know that them needing to do that is about regulating themselves. It's actually not about you. They're not running away from you.
0:15:13.50 → 0:15:54.95
They're sort of retreating to their safe place. And as frustrating as that is, it's actually in the best interest of the relationship and the conversation. So be prepared to take a break if needed, obviously with the intention of returning to the conversation when the heat has come down a little. And the last tip is just to appreciate and acknowledge their willingness to be uncomfortable. So if you do have this conversation and you manage to kind of get to a resolution, get to an end point, really express your appreciation, say, I know that these conversations are hard for you, so I really appreciate you sticking it out, and you being willing to talk through this stuff with me because it means a lot to me, and I really, really appreciate it.
0:15:55.04 → 0:16:29.06
And that kind of acknowledgement will be meaningful and it's really validating. So I think that that's a good thing to do, to show them that you see that and that you're appreciative rather than, again, just coming out of the whole time if you're trying to run away or you're not. Listening to me or all of these things that again will be reinforcing on their side, that these conversations are bad and unsafe and should be avoided at all costs. We want to rewrite that story for both of your sakes. We want to have these experiences of actually hard conversations.
0:16:29.12 → 0:17:07.83
Yeah, they might be uncomfortable, but we can do uncomfortable. We can create safety in that discomfort and create new possibilities for our relationship. So I hope that that's been helpful. Obviously, that's far from being an exhaustive list, we could very easily have several episodes on having hard conversations and conflict strategy and tips around that in an anxious, avoidant dynamic. But I think if you were to implement those six tips, you'll really be in a much better position than just going in with all of the urgency and intensity and stress and attack kind of mode.
0:17:07.93 → 0:17:30.01
You've got a much better shot at having a productive, connective, you know, growth oriented conversation where you're actually able to hear each other and find a solution. So I hope that that's been helpful. I hope that you've learned something. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, super appreciative. If you can leave a five star rating or a review, it really does help so much, but otherwise I will see you again next week.
“My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can’t help but take it personally.”
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally." This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally."
This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
WHAT WE COVER:
why it's normal to feel hurt by a partner moving on faster than we do
why it's so important to monitor the stories we tell ourselves post break-up
reasons why people process break-ups differently
how anxious vs avoidant people tend to move through the break-up period
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.01 → 0:01:06.55
Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of my ex moved on immediately postbreak up, and I can't help but take it personally. Do you have any advice? So this is something that I hear a lot, and it can obviously feel like a twisting of the dagger when we're already in a lot of pain to see our ex, whether it's moving on or just seeming to. Be coping better than we are after a breakup when we're really in the thick of it and we're grieving and we're hurt and we're lost and confused.
0:01:06.73 → 0:01:47.76
To see something pop up on social media or to hear about it or to even hear it directly from your ex that they're seeing someone new or that life is going well for them. It's really easy to take that and make it mean something about us. And that can really prolong our suffering at a time when we're already in a lot of pain and hurt. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, understanding that experience a little more where you can go as stray there, and some reframes to help you get through that experience, even though it will still be challenging and painful. But hopefully we can cut it off there and not make it mean something about us as a person.
0:01:48.37 → 0:02:28.73
Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that today is the last day to access the sale that I've been running, which is 50% off all of my Masterclasses, which are on boundaries, sex and attachment, and navigating anxious, avoidant relationships. Those are all only $44 each and there's heaps of value in them, so definitely cheque them out. If you're interested. You can also get 50% off my Higher Love course, which is a full length six module plus bonuses course on breakups and really moving through a breakup in the healthiest, most supported way possible and coming out the other side better than before.
0:02:28.80 → 0:03:11.13
So if any of those things tickle your fancy, today is the last day to take advantage of that discount and all of that's linked in the show notes. The other quick announcement is just to share the review of the week, which is I discovered Stephanie's podcast by chance a few months ago when I was trying to work out my relationship and had just started therapy. Her soothing voice and her shortened to the point episodes have really helped me reconsider myself as an anxiously attached person and to understand my continuous fear of being abandoned in a sentimental relationship. Understanding other attachment types and learning better ways to interact with an avoidant partner has also brought a certain level of peace and compassion towards myself and my relationship. I couldn't be more grateful for Stephanie's wise and kind words every week.
0:03:11.20 → 0:03:30.12
Thank you. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so pleased to hear that. I love how you describe a level of peace and compassion towards yourself and your relationship from diving into this work. I think that is really the goal, and I'm glad to have been able to support you in some small way with the podcast.
0:03:30.26 → 0:04:02.66
If that was your review, if you could just send an email to podcast@stephanierug.com. My team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this question of I've just seen that my ex has moved on immediately after our breakup, and I can't help but take it personally. So as a starting point, I just want to validate that this sucks, right? It's painful, and it's really easy to feel hurt by that and to feel kind of personally victimised by it.
0:04:02.76 → 0:04:29.80
I just want to really normalise all of those feelings. I think, irrespective of the circumstances of a breakup. Even if you broke up with them, even if it was really amicable, all of that stuff, even if you're kind of comfortable with the breakup and, you know it's the right thing. I think there's always going to be a bit of sting or a little bit of emotional something when we see our ex with someone new. I think that's really normal.
0:04:29.91 → 0:05:03.77
And so the starting point is don't beat yourself up too much for having an emotional response when you see your ex moving on and dating someone new. I think that obviously, if the circumstances are such that they broke up with you, you're really sad about it and you didn't want the relationship to end. It's very fresh and raw and you're still in the thick of it. To see them with someone new in that circumstance is devastating. And again, that's really understandable.
0:05:03.85 → 0:05:26.64
So don't feel like you shouldn't feel that way. Don't judge that feeling because I think that's a very natural thing to feel. What I do want to invite you to reflect on and really monitor is where we take that feeling of I'm really upset about this. I'm hurt, I'm sad, and we make that mean something about us. Okay, so we go, oh, they're dating someone new.
0:05:26.69 → 0:05:37.08
That means that they're not even sad about the relationship ending. They never even cared about me. They never loved me. A whole relationship was a sham. I feel like an idiot because I'm upset and they're not.
0:05:37.45 → 0:05:59.72
This new person that they're dating must be so much better than me, more attractive, more emotionally stable, less needy, whatever. The things I'm telling myself, they're going to make all of the changes with this new person that they wouldn't make for me. Maybe I was actually the problem after all. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for all of those things. All of that stuff.
0:05:59.82 → 0:06:41.26
We can spiral. Now, you may relate to none of that or some of that or all of that, but those are the sorts of things that I hear. And so I just want to shine a light on that and say that's where we cause our own suffering, right? Those stories are where the suffering lives and lives on because we can really get stuck there and spin around in that for a long time because we're taking something that may have very little to do with us a lot of the time and making it mean something about us at a very fundamental level. And that's a surefire way to erode self worth, to beat ourselves when we're already down.
0:06:41.31 → 0:07:14.58
And that's really the opposite of what we need at that time. So with that as an overarching point, the other thing I'll say is there are many, many reasons why someone, some people might move on more quickly than others. Okay, so this is part of the work. Whenever we're looking at the stories we tell ourselves, we can poke holes in our own stories and go, okay, that probably doesn't necessarily mean that I can acknowledge that other versions of this exist. What might they be?
0:07:14.63 → 0:07:26.34
So I'm going to give you some of them. They may not have processed the breakup or their grief, okay? They may have just put a lid on it. They're blocking it out. They're distracting themselves.
0:07:26.44 → 0:07:54.36
They're numbing out whatever they're doing. People process emotions in different ways, particularly if they are more avoidant leaning. They're not going to experience that initial post breakup in the same way that you, as a more anxious leaning person would. So acknowledge that that you can't expect them to have the same process as you. And there's a good chance that if it's very fresh that you'll go in different directions post breakup.
0:07:54.39 → 0:08:36.92
So a more avoidant leaning person is likely to put a lid on those emotions and channel their energy into distraction. Whether that's like throwing themselves into work or becoming very social all of a sudden or taking up a new pursuit or a new hobby, they're going to be putting that energy into something. Whereas a more anxious leaning person is likely to be very in the thick of their emotions and their grief and that feeling of longing and loss with the void that has been created by the relationship ending. So that might be one reason they may not have processed the breakup. Alternatively, they may have been processing it in advance of the relationship ending.
0:08:37.03 → 0:09:15.29
So what often happens is if a relationship is kind of on its last legs for a few months or even years in some cases, there can be a process of disengagement whereby one or both people sort of stop trying. And there's this sense of anticipation that you both know that it's coming. Maybe just one person knows that it's coming and they've made the decision to end the relationship before they actually pull the trigger. And so there is a gradual kind of disconnection and disengagement. Some people, if they've been in that situation, may have been processing their feelings around the relationship ending for a while before it actually did.
0:09:15.41 → 0:10:02.61
And that may mean that they feel kind of okay after the breakup, because the breakup provides more relief than it does grief, at least initially. Again, that's not about you, that's just about someone else's emotional process and the timing of that, the journey that they've been on. The third thing I'd say is you don't really have actual visibility over what they're experiencing, so it's likely that what you know about where they're at is gleaned from social media or word of mouth or mutual friends or even what they might have shared with you. But that's always going to be kind of biassed. You're seeing what they want you to see, you're knowing what they want you to know.
0:10:02.75 → 0:10:17.52
So it's not necessarily the full picture. Right? I'll add the caveat there. That doesn't give you an invitation to go and interrogate them and say, what are you really feeling? Or ruminate on whether they're actually really upset, but they're just not showing it.
0:10:17.65 → 0:10:41.57
It's just to say that we don't really know. So let's not make stories from imperfect information because it's just not helpful for you. What I'll say to sort of wrap this up is please just understand that if you are more anxiously attached, you will tend to spin out post breakup, right? You will really struggle with a breakup. I have an episode from last year on.
0:10:41.66 → 0:11:17.81
Five reasons why anxiously attached people struggle with breakups. And that's definitely a good one to cheque out because I dive into this in more detail there. But please just don't compare your breakup trajectory, your arc, with that of a more avoided leaning partner, because it is just not comparing apples with apples. And it's really, really unhelpful in the same way that in a relationship it's not helpful for me to project my worldview, my experience onto your behaviour and make it mean what it would mean if I did it. You're coming from totally different places, so just understand that your emotional processing is different.
0:11:17.85 → 0:11:48.91
The way that you relate to being in relationship versus being alone is totally different. So please don't expect it to look the same and then spin out and make yourself feel awful and really beat yourself up when they behave differently to how you would after a breakup. As I said, it's not comparing apples with apples. It's not a fair comparison. You have imperfect information, so please don't craft these awful, painful personal stories that exacerbate your pain and keep you stuck.
0:11:49.49 → 0:12:15.12
This is a time post breakup where you really need to be kind to yourself be resourcing yourself to feel safe and comforted and supported rather than inadequate and unworthy and doomed to some sort of life of aloneness because there's something wrong with you. There isn't. Breakups are hard. They're always going to be hard, but you will be okay. It's a tunnel with a light at the end of it.
0:12:15.14 → 0:12:49.47
So just be really kind to yourself, take good care of yourself, and trust that you will get through the other side of it. I hope that that's been helpful for the question asker and anyone else who is going through a breakup or has been through a breakup and has told themselves those painful stories about an ex moving on or just seeming fine when they aren't. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating and a review. It really does help so much in getting the word out, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.
0:12:49.55 → 0:12:50.50
Thanks guys.
0:12:52.87 → 0:13:15.40
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
“How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so we can do the work?”
In this episode, I'm answering a question I receive all the time which is: "How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so that we can start doing the work?"
In this episode, I'm answering a question I receive all the time which is: "How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so that we can start doing the work?"
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of being honest & self-aware about our intentions in introducing a partner to personal development work
navigating anxious attachment tendencies around the saviour complex, over-functioning and taking responsibility for what's not ours
why "the work" might look different for everyone
how to approach conversations about relational growth in a productive, balanced & healthy way
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.49 → 0:01:04.43
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A, and I'm going to be answering the question of how can you tell your partner that they're avoidant so that you can start doing the work? So this is a question that I answered on my Instagram stories earlier in the week and that a lot of people responded to and related to. And so I wanted to unpack it here and dive in in greater detail because obviously my ability to address the nuances of that question are somewhat limited in a 1 minute Instagram story.
0:01:04.58 → 0:01:35.62
So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review, which is on Attachment is like a shining lighthouse in the middle of a dark storm. Stephanie's not only opened my eyes to attachment theory and helped me learn about myself, but has also provided me guidance and clarity at times when my mind is racing about my relationship. Stephanie's voice is so soothing and easy to listen to, it could be on a meditation app. Stephanie structures her podcast in parts that are easy to follow, and her explanations are easy to comprehend.
0:01:35.76 → 0:02:02.79
Thank you, Stephanie. You've been my guiding light on my journey to becoming secure. Thank you so much for that beautiful and very poetic review. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes of your choice and for anyone else listening. If you haven't left a review before, I would so appreciate if you could take a minute or so to do that on Apple podcasts.
0:02:02.97 → 0:02:56.04
It is a huge help, and I have to say I've received so many beautiful reviews recently that I've really been spoiled for choice in selecting one to read out. And if I haven't read yours out, but you have left a review, please know that I've read every single one, and I really am so appreciative and touched by all of them. They're very humbling, and I feel very grateful for you. The other quick announcement is, just to let you know, in case you didn't hear earlier in the week, I've created a new Instagram account for the podcast so you can find it on Attachment. This is a place where you can get more podcast content if you really love the show and you want to see more of it in your feed, exclusive videos and stuff like that, it would be a huge help to me if you could follow along and share it with the people in your life and your community.
0:02:56.57 → 0:03:40.74
It all helps in getting the word out and helping the podcast continue to grow. Okay, so let's dive into this somewhat complicated, multilayered, messy question of how can you tell your partner that they're avoidant so that you can start doing the work? There are a few parts and pieces to this and I want to do it justice. I think the starting point is that we really need to tread carefully here. And I don't mean that in the sense of tiptoeing around someone's sensitivities, I mean in the sense of having a lot of honesty and self awareness around our motivation for doing that.
0:03:41.67 → 0:04:22.88
A tendency that I observe in a lot of anxiously attached people and that I'm 100% guilty of myself. And I really need to, even now, monitor in myself is the tendency to kind of overfunction and take responsibility for other people's work, for other people's emotional experience and almost to think that I know more about their experience. Than they do and that I know what they need more than they know what they need. And to try and almost take care of that for them. And that's a really easy place to go for a lot of anxious people, but it also costs you a lot.
0:04:23.43 --> 0:05:57.72
So I think that I've spoken many times before about the saviour complex that streak in anxious people, that gravitates towards people who they see as needing their help in some way, making someone their project and thinking that particularly with more avoidant partners, I think anxious people tend to view them as emotionally underdeveloped, as needing nurturance. And so anxious people can self appoint in that way as the therapist, coach, mentor, almost nurture a figure for their avoidant partners in doing the work of becoming more secure and feeling more safe in relationships. And while I think there can be pure intention behind that, I think there can also be a shadow side to it. I think there can be aspects of it that are maybe selfserving, that are maybe controlling, that are maybe manipulative, that are maybe pretty critical of the person as they are today and really feeling like you need to turn them into someone other than who they are in order for them to be acceptable, in order for you to have this relationship. And so I think there can be a real tendency to hold on to the idea of who someone could
0:05:57.74 → 0:05:59.92
be rather than the person that they are.
0:06:00.61 → 0:07:57.08
And I think that when we have that dynamic in a relationship, it's not really helpful for anyone, because the person on the receiving end of it feels that they feel that rejection, they feel that criticism, they feel that disapproval from their partner, even if their partner means well and wants the relationship to grow into something that feels healthier and more connected. Oftentimes from the avoidant perspective, knowing what we do about avoidant attachment, that for many avoidant people, there is a lot of woundedness and sensitivity around feeling defective in some way or feeling like a failure, feeling like nothing they do is good enough. And so when they're having this kind of energy of you need to change in order for our relationship to work, that's oftentimes going to strike a nerve for an avoidant person that's going to really go to the heart of a lot of their deepest insecurities and so might elicit quite a big protective, defensive response.
I think another thing I'd say here is even if your personal view, approach perspective is not one that villainizes avoidant people and I hope that that's the case that's really important in the approach that I teach and the messaging of my work. The reality is that a lot of content out there does villainize avoidant people and does really paint them as the problem, as the bad character, as selfish, as narcissistic, as cold, all of these very charged and judgmental words and associations that are there.
0:07:57.85 → 0:09:01.36
Earlier this week I saw a very popular large Instagram account with over a million followers refer to avoidant people as dangerous, which I just thought was incredible that that could be put out there for so many people to consume. But the reality is when that's kind of the tone of the conversation in a lot of these mainstream spaces, is it any surprise that you going to your partner and saying you're avoidant and we need to do something about it that's going to come with the weight of all of those conversations. So even if that's not your intention, let's just be mindful of the fact that that is a common conception misconception, I would say, around avoidant people. And so it's kind of understandable and natural that someone might push back against that and not really be receptive to you whacking that label on them. So those are just a few things to bear in mind to reframe what might feel like frustration on your side.
0:09:01.43 → 0:10:06.35
If you do have a more avoidant leaning partner and you do want to be able to talk to them about attachment and the dynamics that exist in your relationship and where there might be scope for growth. Just be mindful of that backdrop, both for your own sake in terms of where it's coming from in you and what it might cost you and your system to take on that job of overfunctioning responsibility, taking nurturer, coach, therapist, and also what it must feel like for them to be on the receiving end of that. In the context of all of the stuff that we know gets discussed about avoidance attachment that is not very favourable or compassionate. With all of that being said, I want to make really clear that I'm not suggesting that that means you just need to kind of suck it up and not have any expectations. Not talk to your partner about dynamics in your relationship that might not be working very well, that you're not allowed to talk about growth with them.
0:10:06.50 → 0:10:43.51
That's certainly not what I'm saying. I think we just need to be mindful of how we approach those conversations. And a few tips that I'd offer you, don't be too attached to, pardon the pun, the labels of it or the way that the work needs to look. So even though attachment theory might really resonate with you and you might love doing online courses and you might want to follow all the instagram accounts and stuff, that's not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay, that doesn't mean that they don't care about growing together. It just might look different to you.
0:10:43.55 → 0:11:39.94
And I think we need to have some open mindedness and flexibility, because if we're looking for them to be behaving exactly as we would again, that's just a little bit self centred and it's a little bit controlling, in that we're trying to define what their journey should look like by reference to what we think our journey should look like. So allowing someone to walk their own path while still hopefully being able to have conversations around things that might not be working or things that could use improvement. Another thing that I think is really important and helpful is to frame it as an us thing rather than a them thing. So it's not like you're avoidant and you need to go read all of the books and stop being so avoidant because your avoidance is the problem here. Again, that's an attack and it's going to elicit defensiveness that is just very reliable.
0:11:40.00 → 0:12:12.76
And I'm sure that if you were getting that kind of energy from them, you'd get defensive as well. So I think that rather than me versus you, anxious versus avoidant or whatever, it's like, oh, there are some things between us where we get stuck. I've noticed that we get into these patterns. Would you be open to us talking about ways we might be able to navigate that better so that we can avoid having these big ineffective fights? Because I can assure you that your avoidant partner doesn't like those cycles either.
0:12:13.21 → 0:13:06.37
They don't like, you know, those big emotional upsets and ruptures and then the ineffective repair conversations that drag on for 2 hours. I promise you that that's not what they want either. So I think the more that you can frame it as us against the problem rather than me against you, that's going to be a much more palatable entry point into a conversation for anyone. But certainly for an avoidant partner, I think another thing you can do is lead with your own acknowledgment of your stuff, right? Because again, I think there is a tendency for anxious people to go you have this thing, there's a name for what you are and here are all of the problems with that, here are all the behavioural manifestations of it and here's what you need to do about it.
0:13:06.57 → 0:13:24.49
I think if you can go, I'm totally guilty of this. This is who I am. I notice a lot of myself in these patterns and that drives all of these behaviours in me. And I totally recognise that that must be kind of challenging for you and I'm really sorry for that. I'm going to work on it.
0:13:24.69 → 0:14:21.26
Take responsibility for your side of the street and kind of lead by example there, because I think the more you can do that again, it reinforces that it's not you on your high horse, diagnosing them with some sort of defect and telling them that they need to change or else no one's going to respond well to that. So I think that the more that you can implement those things and go into any conversation with kind of clean intentions and clean energy, I think that will serve you in really good stead. So, just to sum up, it's not about never approaching conversations with an avoidant partner about change or growth. I would never suggest that my partner leans avoidant and we do a lot of growth work on an ongoing basis. So it's not to say that you just can't touch that.
0:14:21.39 → 0:15:04.23
It's just being really mindful of the way that you approach it, for your own sake, for their sake, for the sake of your relationship. Because just telling them that they're avoidant and then expecting them to walk the same path and trajectory as you might in your own process of becoming more secure and shifting patterns can veer very quickly into that overfunctioning responsibility, taking controlling territory, and that tends not to end well. So I hope that that's been helpful and has given you some food for thought, some things to reflect upon. And if you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a rating and a review. I really appreciate it so much.
0:15:04.32 → 0:15:20.10
And just another reminder to follow along on Instagram, the new account at On Attachment. All of that is linked in the show notes. Okay, guys, thanks so much for joining me. I will see you again next week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
0:15:20.21 --> 0:15:39.14
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can follow me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.