#176: Conscious Dating: How to Raise Your Standards & Date from Self-Worth
In today's episode, we're talking all about conscious dating and how you can raise your standards and date from a place of grounded self-confidence and self-worth. Many anxiously attached people struggle a lot with dating, experiencing anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt every step of the way. This can naturally block us from connecting with others in a way that feels healthy and authentic.
In today's episode, we're talking all about conscious dating and how you can raise your standards and date from a place of grounded self-confidence and self-worth. Many anxiously attached people struggle a lot with dating, experiencing anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt every step of the way. This can naturally block us from connecting with others in a way that feels healthy and authentic.
We'll cover:
The importance of dating with intentionality
Common mindset pitfalls
Identifying your values, non-negotiables and deal-breakers
Conscious Dating: Elevating Your Standards and Embracing Self-Worth
Navigating the dating world can be a maze of emotions, particularly when feelings of insecurity and anxiety bubble to the surface. It's a journey often fraught with self-doubt and uncertainty. But what if you approached dating from a place of self-worth, armed with the clarity of your own values and intentions? The concept of conscious dating encourages us to do just that—raising our standards and engaging in relationships that are genuinely fulfilling and aligned with who we are. This paradigm shift offers not only a healthier approach to relationships but also transforms the dating experience into something enjoyable and empowering.
Understanding Conscious Dating
Conscious dating is about living with intention and purpose in the world of relationships. It's the antidote to the autopilot way many of us approach dating, where actions and decisions are made without a deep understanding of what we truly seek. This often leads to chasing validation and settling for less than we deserve. By embracing conscious dating, we prioritise our values, establish clear boundaries, and ensure our actions align with our long-term relationship goals.
An integral part of conscious dating is acknowledging and addressing the triggers that may arise, particularly for those with anxious attachment patterns. This involves being aware of how our self-worth, or lack thereof, can influence the way we date. When approached without intention, dating can become a stressful experience, taking the joy out of meeting new people and exploring potential partnerships.
Setting Intentional Standards
One of the first steps in conscious dating is determining your values, non-negotiables, and deal breakers. Values encompass the qualities you cherish in a relationship, such as trust, honesty, or personal growth. Knowing these values allows you to filter out relationships that won't meet your needs. This clarity helps prevent the common pitfall of entering relationships based on fleeting feelings of infatuation rather than solid compatibility.
Non-negotiables, on the other hand, are the must-haves. These are critical elements that are essential for you in a partner. Deal breakers are those aspects that you cannot accept—traits or circumstances that would lead you to end a relationship. Both are vital in ensuring that you engage in relationships that are truly compatible and have the potential to thrive.
Being clear on these aspects might initially feel daunting, particularly if self-worth issues make you question your right to be discerning. However, embracing this clarity is a powerful exercise in self-worth. It ensures you're not compromising on what truly matters to you and affirms that you deserve a relationship that meets your standards.
Approaching Dating with an Abundance Mindset
A crucial element of conscious dating is the energy you bring to the process. Entering the dating scene with a mindset of abundance and positivity can significantly alter the outcome. If you approach dating with the belief that it's a tedious task, the experience will likely reflect that mindset. Conversely, maintaining a positive outlook, believing in the abundance of suitable partners, and recognising dating as an opportunity for growth, can transform it into a rewarding journey.
This shift in perspective from scarcity to abundance fosters an open and receptive attitude, making you more attuned to meaningful connections and less likely to settle for incompatible relationships. By raising the bar and trusting in the abundance of aligned partners, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy of success and satisfaction in your dating life.
Communicating Your Intentions
For many, a significant barrier to conscious dating is the fear of scaring off potential partners by being too upfront about their desires and intentions. However, communicating what you want in a relationship doesn't make you demanding; it simply reflects your commitment to finding a partner who shares your vision for a future together.
Being honest about your intentions and desires ensures that you're not wasting your time or theirs, and it filters out those who don't share your aspirations. Those who are aligned with your values will appreciate your clarity and be equally forthcoming about their expectations.
Enjoying the Journey
Ultimately, conscious dating is about enjoying the process. By approaching dating with a mindset of exploration rather than obligation, you give yourself permission to enjoy each encounter for what it is—a learning opportunity and a step closer to finding a truly compatible partner.
Being authentic in your approach and tuning into what really matters guarantees that the connections you form are more likely to be meaningful and rewarding. As you embrace conscious dating, let go of the idea that dating is a chore you have to endure. Instead, see it as a journey of growth, self-discovery, and empowerment, leading you to the relationships and experiences that enrich your life.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do your attachment patterns influence your approach to dating? Can you identify any specific triggers that arise during the early stages of dating?
Reflect on a time when you dated from a place of low self-worth. How did that impact your relationship, and what might you do differently now with increased self-awareness?
What does it mean to you to date with intention? How does this differ from how you have approached dating in the past?
Compile a list of your core values that you want to see reflected in a partner. How do these values influence your relationship choices?
Identify your non-negotiables and deal breakers in a relationship. How do these criteria help you filter for suitable partners?
Consider a previous relationship or dating experience where you ignored red flags or deal breakers. What motivated you to overlook those, and what would you change in future situations?
How comfortable do you feel in asserting and upholding your values and standards in dating? What steps can you take to strengthen your confidence in this area?
What mindset shifts can you implement to transform your energy and outlook on dating into one of optimism and enjoyment?
Describe how "conscious dating" resonates with you. How can it help you build healthier and more satisfying relationships?
Reflect on your current energy when approaching dating. Is it aligned with the type of partner you wish to attract, and if not, what adjustments are necessary?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Conscious Dating Workshop: Join my Insiders membership on the Premium tier for free access to my Conscious Dating Workshop
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Additional Resources
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about conscious dating. How to raise your standards and date from a place of self worth. So for a lot of people dating is really really challenging, and particularly if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns. Dating can bring all of your stuff to the surface in pretty acute ways.
[00:00:53]:
Everything that is inherent to the dating process, Trying to get someone to like you, trying to impress people, feeling judged, feeling like you have to present a certain version of yourself, wanting to be liked, being afraid of being rejected, having to deal with the uncertainty of early dating when you don't quite know where you stand with someone, all of that stuff is, like, going right to the heart of a lot of your triggers as someone with anxious attachment patterns. And so it makes sense if you do really struggle with dating and it's something that you have a lot of anxiety and stress around. And yet I think we can all agree that dating from a place of low self worth, of insecurity, of anxiety, not only doesn't tend to yield the results you're looking for in terms of being able to put your best foot forward and feel confident and at ease, but it actually robs you of any enjoyment of the process, and I hear that from people all the time. You know, how do I actually enjoy dating because I kind of hate it more or less? It feels like just this big ball of stress, and I wish I could skip through all of that and just get to the part where I've met someone and we both want the same thing, and I can do away with all of that dating stuff. If only it were that simple, right? But there are thankfully things that you can do to enjoy the process more and set yourself up for more success in terms of how you navigate the process, how you present yourself, how you show up, what you're embodying, such that you are more likely to find people who are aligned and wanting the same thing as you. You are better able to approach dating from a place of authenticity, which I think allows you to relax into the process a little. And you can actually have fun along the way. That might sound crazy to those of you who really hate dating, and feel like it's something you have to do rather than something you want to do, but I think there are a few really important mindset shifts that you can implement that can really, really help to change your whole energy and mindset around dating.
[00:02:50]:
Okay. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. If you're on my email list, you would have seen that I am running a sale on two of my best selling courses, sort of a Valentine's Day ish sale that's stretched into this week as well. I'll be leaving it up for another couple of days, but it's on my higher love course, which is my breakup course, and Secure Together, which is my couples course. So whether you're in a relationship, you've just come out of a relationship, both of those are on sale for upwards of 60% off. So if you've been eyeing either of those and you're wanting to go a little bit deeper into my work, now's a really good time to do that. I'll be leaving that sale up for the next couple of days.
[00:03:32]:
Second quick announcement is just on the topic of today's episode around conscious dating. I've actually recorded a workshop on conscious dating that I've put in my insider's membership. So I haven't spoken about my membership for a while. There's been a lot going on, but I have a membership community that is super affordable. It's a way to connect with others who are interested in this work, who love the podcast, but it's also a way to get support from me. So if you have any questions, you can pop them there, and I'm in the community every day and answering people's questions. But it also has extra resources, including a workshop on conscious dating that I've just recorded. And so if you like today's episode and you wanna go a little bit deeper on this topic in the form of a full length workshop, you can access that as part of my insider's membership.
[00:04:20]:
Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around conscious dating. I think it's important to distinguish, and I do go into this in the workshop that I just mentioned, what does conscious dating mean? Sort of like conscious dating and conscious relationships, these terms get thrown around a bit. And I think it's quite simply by contrast to unconscious dating. So if you're just dating in a sort of autopilot kind of way, you download the apps, you swipe, you connect with people, you chat, you go on dates, you do all of that from a place of not really thinking terribly much about it. There's no real plan. There's not a lot of intentionality. There's not a lot of clarity in terms of specifically what you are looking for and available for.
[00:05:06]:
And I think that as with anything, when we're not leading with intentionality and clear standards, there's a really good chance that our subconscious parts are gonna be at the wheel. And if your subconscious parts tend towards anxiety and approval seeking, maybe you have patterns of being in relationship with people who are emotionally unavailable or who don't want the same thing as you. All of those things are not how we want to be led when it comes to dating. We want to make sure that our conscious, deliberate, intentional, value led parts are really driving the bus, because otherwise we're going to get more of what we've always had, and if what we've always had is not what we want more of, something's gotta give. Something's gotta change. Right? And so that's where we start to think of, like, okay, what would it mean to date with intention? To date consciously? To date in a way that is led by values? And I think that this can be really challenging for people with anxious attachment because for a lot of folks, we're so minded to try and get people to like us, and that feels like the ultimate prize. Just get someone who loves me and thinks I'm amazing and wants to be with me. That the idea of saying no to people who maybe aren't a good fit often doesn't even cross our minds.
[00:06:30]:
We're just so exhilarated by the idea of being wanted and being chosen that we're not actually doing much choosing ourselves. We're not applying any sort of clear lens in terms of what do I actually want, what am I actually looking for in a relationship, in a partner. We're actually just chasing a feeling, and that can you know, it's not to discount the importance of feelings and connection and all of that, but that can't be the driving force because if you are always following familiar feelings of infatuation and connection, you're gonna be following familiar feelings of familiar situations and places and relationships. Right? And so a really big part of conscious dating, of raising your standards, of dating intentionally, is getting very clear on what are my values in a relationship. What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? This is something that I teach in pretty much all of my programs, and it sounds very simple and straightforward, and yet it's amazing to me how few people have clarity on these questions. And it's not even I think a lot of people have never turned their mind to it, but even when they do turn their mind to it, they can often be a bit stumped. Right? Because we're so unaccustomed to almost feeling like we get to have that level of input into what we get out of dating and relationships. I think when we struggle with self worth, we also struggle with a sense of deservingness, and so the idea of asserting, like, that doesn't work for me or I'm not available for that, that feels quite foreign, and we feel like we maybe don't have the right or entitlement to be so demanding, which is kind of wild when we think about what we're talking about here.
[00:08:18]:
So being really clear for yourself, and this is important because it filters for the kinds of people that you are not actually going to be able to build a secure relationship with. Anxiously attached people in particular have this tendency to think, like, I'll be led by feelings first, and then even if there are some maybe friction points or things that don't fully line up, I'll just lock them in and then I'll change them later. Right? I'll lock them in today and then I'll convince them that actually marriage is a great idea or that they'll want kids once they fall in love with me. And all of these things can be really fraught and can lead us to pursue relationships that are like projects, and we then pour all of ourselves into trying to get someone to be a certain way, to show up differently, to change their values, because we think that that's some kind of heroic act of love to get someone to change for us. That is all like, if you relate to that, that's big savior complex territory. That is a big glaring red flag for, like, this is coming from my unworthiness. And maybe I don't feel deserving of the person who already wants what I want, or maybe I think that it would prove my worth somehow to make the unavailable person available. Right? If I could manage to pull that one off, then I'd know that I really am worth something, that I really am lovable because this person's made big changes in order to be with me.
[00:09:49]:
Right? Say this is someone who has so been there. I have taken on a project or two in my time, and it is really something that ultimately costs us a lot in the long term because we we lose so much of ourselves in the process of trying to get someone else to be someone that they aren't. The stakes feel so high because we're placing our worth in what someone else does or doesn't do, and that's so beyond our control. So having a lot of clarity for yourself around your values, around your nonnegotiables, around your deal breakers is a really good way to set the bar much higher than you otherwise probably would if you were just going in blind from the outset, and it ensures that you are filtering for things that aren't a match. And that is ultimately even if it might feel scary to say no to anyone, that's ultimately a way to say yes to the things that are a good fit. It's sort of like the advice you get when you're starting out in business. And I know for me, when I was starting out doing this work, the idea of, like, you just wanna say yes to every possible client or opportunity, or you don't wanna create content on 50 different topics because you're scared to choose a niche or a specialization because you think that's narrowing down your potential client pool. And when you're starting out, that feels really scary, and you have this sense of scarcity, and I'll just take anyone because I need it.
[00:11:10]:
But really, you don't want just anyone. You want the people who are aligned. You want what's right for you. And in saying no to what isn't right for you, you are getting so much clearer around what is right for you. And so even though that might feel like a scary adjustment to make, it's ultimately in service of funneling you closer to the types of people in relationships that you really want. And so digging in a little more into, like, what are we talking about here with values, with deal breakers, with non negotiables? So values might be things like relationship qualities that you value. So I value being able to share vulnerably about our feelings without it blowing up into conflicts. That's a really important thing you might value.
[00:11:53]:
You might value trust and honesty. You might value a culture of personal and relational growth. So if you know that for you personal development is a big part of your life, for me it certainly is, obviously, I wouldn't be available for a relationship right now. I mean, I'm in a relationship, but if I weren't, I wouldn't be open to a relationship with someone who had no interest in personal development work, who thought it was all stupid, quackery, woo woo, don't want to hear about it, and was very dismissive of that. That would just not be aligned. It wouldn't make sense. It's a big part of my life. It's a huge part of what drives me and interests me, and that, for me, wouldn't work to have someone who was, like, completely uninterested.
[00:12:36]:
So getting to know yourself, and and be part of identifying these values is, like, being okay with your own values and validating that and going, yeah, this is who I am and I'm comfortable with that. So I'm okay with standing firm in the fact that I'm allowed to want a partner who lines up with these parts of me. Right? Again, this is a big exercise in self worth because it does require us to assert more of ourselves and to know ourselves and be okay with who we are. Other values might be things like someone who's family oriented. It might be things around where you wanna live. It might be things around the types of activities that you engage in. Your faith or spirituality might be part of your value system. Some other values might be things like the type of lifestyle that you live.
[00:13:21]:
You might be super health oriented and really into fitness and outdoors, or you might not be into that at all, and it might not be a fit if someone else is really into that. You might not be one for partying, and so if someone is doing a lot of partying, that might not feel like a good fit. Values around work might be another thing that feeds into lifestyle. Are you someone super, super work oriented or not? And you might have preferences in that respect. So start to get a clearer picture of what your values are around what a good life looks like so that you can be more discerning and filtering for someone who is aligned with you in that respect. All of those things start to flesh out. What do I really want in a partner? What things are really important to me? What am I looking for? All of that goes into what your values are. Then we get into non negotiables and deal breakers, and these are essentially a notch up on values.
[00:14:15]:
So you might have values that ascend to the level of non negotiables or deal breakers, a non negotiable basically being a positive requirement that you have to have in order to be interested in in pursuing a relationship. So it is not just a nice to have, it's an absolute must have in a partner. So a non negotiable might be that you both value monogamy, right, and that's the kind of relationship structure that you want. It might be that you want kids or don't want kids. It might be that you both wanna live in a particular city and you're happy with settling there, or that you don't wanna live in a particular city. Right? All of these things, it's like, it will not work unless. Right? And having real clarity around that for yourself on, like, what am I what am I absolute non negotiables in a partner? And then the flip side of non negotiables, deal breakers, and it's essentially a a negative expression of the same thing, is, like, if this is present, then it absolutely won't work for me. So a deal breaker might be that someone wants kids and you don't or vice versa.
[00:15:21]:
So oftentimes, we can flip our nonnegotiables into deal breakers. Nonnegotiables being I need these things to be present. Deal breakers being these can't be present. So another deal breaker for some people might be lifestyle considerations. So it might be a deal breaker for you if someone drinks or smokes or takes drugs. Those sorts of things might be stuff that you're not comfortable with, and so that's a clear bright line that you draw for yourself. Some other deal breakers might be, as I said in the nonnegotiable section, around relationship structure. So if someone wants an open relationship and you don't, that might be a deal breaker, and I would recommend that it probably should be because those sorts of ones are pretty black and white.
[00:16:01]:
Right? You might have heard me previously refer to these as structural incompatibilities, and it's a bit of a dead end. If one person wants kids and the other person doesn't want kids, there's no compromise position on having half a kid. Right? You either have kids or you don't. And if it's really important to both of you in different directions, then, that's really good to know at the outset because that might be the end of the road for you. And that leads into a very common question that I get, which is, like, how soon to raise all of this stuff? Because I understand not wanting to go in on your first date or even when you're messaging someone off an app and leading in with a questionnaire of here are my values and non negotiables and deal breakers, and I just wanna check that we're aligned. Could you please fill out this form? Right? We don't wanna be weird about it. We don't wanna be too intense. We don't want people to feel like they're being quizzed or that we're judging them.
[00:16:55]:
But at the same time, I think and again, anxiety can make this more challenging, but I think we can be human, and we can be normal, so to speak. We don't have to be really intense and weird about it. But we can also stand firm in what we know we're available for and trust that, like, we're not gonna scare off someone who is like minded with being clear around what we want. Right? But if you say to someone, I'm looking for a relationship. I'm not really available for just casual stuff. If someone else is looking for a relationship, that's music to their ears. Right? The person who gets scared off by that is the person who doesn't want a relationship, who only wants something casual, who is noncommittal. And if you scare them off, like, let them be scared off.
[00:17:40]:
That's good. Right? Reframing how we relate to connections that don't develop into anything and recognizing that when it is values led for us, that's good too. If something doesn't proceed because it's not aligned, it might be disappointing if you're excited about the possibility of it. But ultimately, that's good because that ending is actually taking you closer to something that is more aligned. And I know that that can be hard to reframe yourself towards, but that's a very, very important mindset shift. It's saving me time and energy and investment in something that was never gonna be a good fit. Right? And so I do think that there is value in being pretty upfront with people. Again, not in a way where you're being demanding or overly prescriptive or rigid or intimidating or speaking down to someone and almost making them prove themselves to you, that's not the energy we wanna go into it from.
[00:18:35]:
And this really comes back to what I was saying before around the more comfortable you are in yourself and what you want and what you're available for and believing that you are worthy and deserving of that, then it it becomes much more easeful. You don't have the same level of anxiety around communicating this stuff, advocating for yourself, because you really know and trust that it's perfectly valid to want what you want, and you really feel comfortable in the knowing that you actually don't want anything less than a an aligned relationship and a connection that feels good and ticks those really important boxes for you. So you feel much more comfortable in in finding that and having the conversations that allow you to find that because it stops being about just trying to get anyone and everyone to fall in love with you, which I think again is our unworthy parts at the helm. One last thing that I'll say, and this is, again, the mindset piece, is that a really important part in enjoying dating is doing it from an energy of vitality, of an energy of feeling good. Right? We're not going to enjoy dating if we are going into it with an energy that is heavy, and resistant, and drained, and we've got all of these beliefs of dating is such a slog, and the apps are absolute hell. I feel like I'm waiting through a swamp. Why do I have to do this? It's probably gonna be a waste of time anyway. Everyone on there is whatever.
[00:20:01]:
Right? If you are telling yourself that story over and over again, and yet you're still taking your phone out and getting on the apps every day, and swiping through, and feeling defeated and deflated, and then you're reluctantly going on dates but you're already convinced that it's going to be a dead end and you're going to be disappointed, then of course that's going to be true. Right? Of course it is. Of course that's going to be a self fulfilling prophecy because that's what you're expecting. And and really, something that I say in the conscious dating workshop is what we expect shapes what we accept. So if we're going in with this mindset of, like, this is just gonna be, you know, a low vibe, uninspiring thing, and I'm probably not gonna meet anyone, then we're more likely to pursue and engage with people who fit that description because we're convinced that that's all that's available. So why look for anything more than that. Right? What we expect shapes what we accept. So really don't be afraid to raise the bar for yourself and try and go into it.
[00:20:58]:
And I know that it might feel like faking it till you make it for a bit, but that's okay. Going into it with an energy of, like, I trust that there are so many people out there who are amazing and who I could form a great relationship with, it's my job to to find them. And when you're seeing dating as an opportunity, and also trusting that the more you elevate your own energy, so dating from a place of abundance and vitality and feeling good, and those are the kinds of people that are attractive to be around, that people are drawn towards, that kind of natural ease for confidence. And so, like, being in that energy is going to yield so much more by way of connection and enjoyment of the process than if you are in a really, like, heavy, low vibe, uninterested, uninspired, defeated kind of energy. That is not attractive to be around. That kind of negativity, people feel it. Even if you're slapping a smile on, we can all feel through that. So just bear in mind, like, from what energy am I showing up? Am I showing up from a place of not actually believing in this process at all and feeling like it's a drag and a waste of my time? Because think about what that might feel like to be on the other side of.
[00:22:11]:
Okay. So I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that has given you something to work with, something to think about if you are dating or maybe you're thinking about reentering the dating scene. Really, doing it with a level of intentionality is a great idea. And having clarity for yourself around what you're looking for before there's person in front of you that you are excited about and you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole in terms of convincing yourself that they're a good fit when maybe they aren't. Doing this work in advance will really set you up for a lot more success in the process and will hopefully allow you to enjoy yourself along the way. So hope this has been helpful. So grateful for those of you who leave reviews. If you're watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. Otherwise, I will look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:00]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment, relationships, relationship coach, conscious dating, self worth, anxious attachment, dating anxiety, authentic dating, mindset shifts, high standards, Higher Love course, Secure Together course, insider's membership, intentional dating, values, non negotiables, deal breakers, relationship values, structural incompatibilities, self worth, deservingness, personal development, monogamy, lifestyle compatibility, online dating, dating apps, energy and vitality, self fulfilling prophecy, scarcity mindset, emotional availability.
#175: Perfectionism & Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
Key themes covered:
The links between perfectionism and anxious attachment patterns
How perfectionism manifests in relationships (performing, people-pleasing, fear of making mistakes)
The connection between perfectionism and fear of abandonment
Why perfectionism creates distance in relationships despite our intentions for closeness
How perfectionism impacts vulnerability and emotional intimacy
We discuss practical steps for:
Recognising perfectionist patterns in your relationships
Moving from self-criticism to self-compassion
Embracing "good enough" in relationships
Building tolerance for imperfection
Showing up authentically in relationships
Navigating Perfectionism and Anxious Attachment in Relationships
In the intricate world of human emotions, our attachment styles profoundly influence how we interact with others, particularly in romantic relationships. Among these, anxious attachment and perfectionism often coalesce into an intricate dance of fear, striving, and yearning for acceptance. Many people, burdened by an underlying sense of unworthiness, find themselves trapped in a cycle of perfectionism, believing that flawless performance is the key to love and acceptance. Understanding the intersection of these patterns can offer a pathway to more authentic, fulfilling relationships.
Understanding Perfectionism and Its Roots
Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a quirky trait—something harmless or perhaps even admirable, akin to having a tidy desk or neat handwriting. In reality, perfectionism runs far deeper. At its core, it is a protective strategy, a response to the fear of rejection and failure. The driving belief here is, "If I'm not perfect, I am unworthy of love and acceptance." This fear-based striving for flawlessness is not simply about being meticulous—it's about a profound dread of the consequences that perceived imperfections might bring: rejection, disapproval, and the ultimate terror, abandonment.
For many, this unrelenting pursuit of perfection is tied to a deep-seated fear of not being good enough—a common experience among those with anxious attachment styles. This belief can lead to an exhausting cycle of self-criticism and shame, where any slip-up feels catastrophic, and self-compassion seems impossible. This internal battle often spills over into relationships, where anxiously attached individuals may feel they must be perfect to earn their partner's love and approval.
The Perfectionism-Anxious Attachment Cycle
Anxious attachment is characterised by a heightened sensitivity to the fear of abandonment. Those who experience it often live in a constant state of alert, scanning for possible signs of rejection. This vigilance can manifest in perfectionistic behaviours—endeavouring to be the "ideal" partner who offers everything their loved one might need to prevent them from leaving.
However, this approach is a double-edged sword. While it might temporarily soothe fears of rejection, it also prevents genuine connection. The relentless effort to be perfect and the resulting inauthenticity block true vulnerability and intimacy—the very ingredients needed for a trusting relationship. As individuals hide parts of themselves they deem unloveable, they feel unseen and unchosen, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and the cycle of anxious attachment.
Breaking Free: Cultivating Self-Compassion and Authenticity
The journey towards healing these patterns begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. Recognising when perfectionism takes the wheel is the first step. Acknowledging the underlying fears and wounds allows individuals to separate their true selves from the protective strategies they have adopted. It is about gently turning towards oneself with curiosity rather than judgement.
Cultivating a kinder internal dialogue—one that embraces all parts of the self, not just the polished, curated versions—can ease the grip of perfectionism. The more individuals can accept and love themselves unconditionally, the less reliant they become on external approval to validate their worth. This shift creates space for vulnerability, allowing for more authentic and meaningful connections.
The Role of Relationships in Healing
While self-work is the foundation, healing from anxious attachment and perfectionism is also relational. Positive experiences in relationships can be incredibly healing for those who have struggled with these patterns. Being with someone who sees and loves you in all your imperfect glory can dismantle the long-held belief that you're only worthy of love when you are perfect. Such relationships, characterised by safety and trust, offer a nurturing environment where one can slowly release the shield of perfectionism and embrace vulnerability.
In these relationships, true intimacy is nurtured. You begin to understand that you do not have to be perfect to be lovable, and that imperfections do not diminish your value. Instead, they can become bridges to deeper connection when shared with the right person.
Conclusion
Overcoming the entwined challenges of anxious attachment and perfectionism is undoubtedly a journey—a process of slowly reconstructing one's beliefs about worthiness and love. It involves embracing the messiness and imperfection of being human and recognising that worth is innate, not something to be earned through flawless performance. With self-compassion as a guide and authentic relationships as safe havens, it's entirely possible to experience relationships where you are loved for exactly who you are, not who you think you need to be. Through this healing, our connections can become truly rewarding spaces of acceptance and mutual respect.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt the need to be perfect in a relationship. What fears or insecurities might have been driving that need for perfection?
Consider the idea that perfectionism could be a protective strategy. What might your perfectionism be trying to protect you from in your closest relationships?
How has the pursuit of perfection impacted your ability to be authentic with others? What might be different if you allowed yourself to show more of your true self?
Discuss the connection between perfectionism and shame as explained in the episode. In what ways do you recognize this interplay in your own life?
Reflect on how perfectionism and people-pleasing manifest in your relationships. Can you identify moments where you've abandoned your true desires to maintain an image of perfection?
Think about the idea that perfectionism could hinder vulnerability in relationships. How might embracing your imperfections encourage deeper connections with others?
What does the concept of "self-compassion" mean to you, and how might cultivating it help in reducing perfectionistic tendencies?
Have you ever experienced self-criticism as a result of failing to meet your own standards? How did that experience affect your self-worth or relationships?
Consider the notion of presenting a "false version" of yourself to others. What are the risks and rewards of letting those close to you see the parts of yourself that you often hide?
What might be some first steps you can take to start softening perfectionistic patterns in your life? How could this change the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Join the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Starts 10 Feb 2025
Additional Resources
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about perfectionism and the role that it plays in our relationships, how it intersects with our attachment patterns. So I've actually done an episode a while ago, probably a couple of years ago now, on the role of perfectionism in anxious avoidant dynamics and how relationally, patterns of perfectionism can influence how we perceive our partner from an anxious perspective and an avoidant perspective. I'll link that episode in the show notes. What I'm really talking about today is probably more from the perspective of anxious attachment and how our self perception can be governed by perfectionism and how perfectionism really is a protective strategy, like most everything else that we experience in relationships, where it comes from, what it is protecting against, and how we can maybe soften some of those patterns so that we can experience more self acceptance, more ease, more trust in our relationship.
[00:01:32]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. My Secure Self Challenge started two days ago. It's a twenty eight day challenge for building self worth. And as we'll be talking about in today's episode, building deep, embodied self worth is absolutely essential to overcoming patterns of self protection like perfectionism. As I said, the challenge officially kicked off on Monday this week, but I will be leaving registration open until the end of the week if there are any last minute people who want to squeeze in to this round. I run it usually twice a year, so if you are interested, there probably won't be another opportunity to participate in the challenge until the second half of the year. So as I said, link is in the show notes.
[00:02:14]:
You can go and check that out and join us if that appeals. Second quick announcement. I can't believe that I haven't actually shared this on the podcast. It's a little embarrassing because it speaks to how disorganized I am, but I created a free resource a couple of months ago now, that I've shared on Instagram. So if you follow me there, you've probably already seen it. But it is called the anxious attachment starter kit. As I said, it's completely free. It includes a video where I speak about my own journey with anxious attachment and and how I healed my anxious attachment.
[00:02:44]:
It also includes a workbook with journal prompts looking at anxious attachment and those patterns, and it also includes an exclusive guided meditation on affirmations for anxious attachment, sort of self soothing. So those are all exclusive resources in this anxious attachment starter kit. So if you'd like to download that completely for free, I've linked that in the show notes as well, or you can head to my website and check out the freebies page there, and it is listed. Again, my apologies. I haven't shared that here sooner. That is terribly disorganized of me. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around perfectionism and how it interfaces with our attachment wounds and our patterns in relationships.
[00:03:24]:
So I think there can be some misconceptions around perfectionism. I think sometimes when we talk about perfectionism casually, it's almost spoken about as if it's just like mild neuroticism, someone who has, like, a perfectly tidy desk at work, or who has immaculately neat handwriting, or is very particular about how things have to be. But in reality, I think perfectionism goes a lot deeper than that. And I think for most of us, perfectionism is really coming from this place of, if I am not perfect, then I will be unloved, I will be not good enough, I will be rejected, cast out, judged, disapproved of. So it's this sense of, like, desperately striving to earn our worth by not allowing ourselves to be imperfect. And I think that's actually a much better way of looking at it. Perfectionism is not about, like, wanting to be perfect. I mean, it is, but it's coming from the place of fear of what it would mean if we weren't perfect.
[00:04:27]:
And for those of us who struggle with unworthiness, which is frankly, I think most of us, certainly most of the people who listen to this podcast, and certainly anyone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns and and probably disorganized attachment patterns as well, this deep worthiness wound or unworthiness wound that we carry that has us believe that we are not good enough and that we have to earn or prove our worth somehow. We have to earn people's love, affection, approval. And perfectionism emerges as a way for us to do that. It's our system trying to present a version of ourselves that is flawless, because we believe that any cracks in the armor, anything we do wrong, we put one foot out of line, and that's going to be the trigger for people rejecting us, disapproving of us, excluding us, not loving us, leaving us. Right? And so we start to see that this is actually a strategy that's protecting against a lot of those core wounds, and that's really where perfectionism intersects with our attachment patterns and our attachment style. And, you know, relationally, I think for most people with anxious attachment, as you would know, the abandonment wound and that fear of rejection is so at the heart of your attachment style and everything that you fear in relationships. Right? And so for anxiously attached people, there's this sense that I have to be perfect or else you're going to leave me. And I think that actually, you know, patterns of jealousy and comparison and lots of other things that anxious attachers will experience in relationships, I think, are branches off the same tree.
[00:06:05]:
It's this sense of, like, I'm always looking over my shoulder. I'm always scanning for threats because I think you're gonna leave me for someone else because I'm not good enough. And so I try to be perfect. I compare myself to everyone else who's sort of in our orbit to make sure that there are no threats. There's nothing else I should be doing in order to get you and keep you. The other side of that, and this is something that Brene Brown talks about, is like, the flip side of perfectionism is shame. Because if we fail, or are seen to fail, we do something wrong. Shame is very quick to jump in and punish us with self criticism and blame and pointing the finger of, if anything bad happens, it's because of you and you're not good enough in sort of an essential way.
[00:06:51]:
There's really no space for self compassion, for self forgiveness, when we are stuck in these rigid patterns of perfectionism and shame. And that is a really painful and fractured internal relationship because we become our own worst enemy there. We've got such exacting standards for how we have to be, and they really are unattainable and unsustainable. And so we live in this constant anxiety of knowing that sooner or later we will make a mistake because we are human, and yet also knowing that we're going to beat ourselves up for that, and the the immense shame that we will feel if and when we do do something wrong or make a mistake or, we are seen to be imperfect, that lurking shame that we carry that's going to bubble up to the surface feels like it's going to swallow us, and that's so aversive. Right? Like, we want to avoid that as much as we possibly can, and so, of course, that really narrows our window of tolerance. That makes us really anxious around trying to avoid certain experiences, and there's just more and more contraction in our system as we walk this tightrope of perfectionism and shame. The other challenging thing about perfectionism in relationships is the way that it links in with patterns of people pleasing and self abandonment, right? If we think that we have to be perfect in order to be lovable, or to get our partner to choose us, to get someone to commit to us, to to stop them from leaving us, then we're almost certainly not being authentic, right? Because no one is authentically perfect, and perfectionism is essentially a performance. It's, you know, suppressing certain parts of us and dialing up others, over functioning, overworking, striving all the time, never really resting in an easeful, peaceful place.
[00:08:47]:
Because, again, we've always got this lurking thing of, if you do anything wrong really bad, things are going to happen. And so it actually blocks us from vulnerability. It blocks us from deeply, authentically connecting with someone, because we're not letting them see all of these parts of ourselves. Right? We've siloed and exiled and buried away all the parts of ourselves that we deem to be imperfect, unacceptable, unlovable. And when we do that and we're presenting this false version of ourselves that is very curated and, you know, carefully selected as the parts of us that we decide are worthy of love, then we're actually not giving someone a chance to really know us and to really love us and to really choose us. And it becomes this almost self perpetuating thing where deep down we know that it's unsustainable, maybe not consciously, but if it works, if someone chooses us because of this very narrow version that we've presented to them, then it's almost so exhausting and tiring to know that we have to keep that up in order to maintain their love, their approval, the connection. And so knowing that, like, we have to then continue to hide all these parts of ourselves that we've deemed unlovable is actually a very, very challenging way to be in a relationship. It's never going to lead to the the safety, the security, that deep enduring, relaxing love that you so deeply yearn for and crave.
[00:10:17]:
And so you can start to see that, like, even though it might be the only way you've ever been in relationships and you don't really have any concept of what another way would look like, Hopefully, you're starting to see that perfectionism as applied to relationships, and not even just romantic relationships. Right? You're probably if you are like this, there's a good chance that you do this in a lot of settings. Maybe you do it at work. You don't allow yourself to ever show any kind of vulnerability or imperfection, and you're deeply convinced that if you were to do that, people would turn on you very quickly, people would judge you, people would cast you out, or other bad consequences would flow from that. Similarly, in social settings, you might be convinced that people don't like you and that you've got to be, you know, completely perfect all the time in order for people to want to be around you. These are all really common branches off the tree, as I said earlier. So I think as with everything, awareness really helps, and starting to notice when that perfectionist part is at the wheel and what it might be trying to keep you safe from in that moment. So if you notice yourself being really rigid and comparing yourself to other people, being terrified of showing a part of you that you think is, you know, too messy or ugly or or whatever else, really turning towards yourself in that moment and just noticing allows you to create distance between the part of you that is using that perfectionistic strategy and whatever other part of you might be underneath that's harboring these deep fears and wounds, and then the you that is observing all of that.
[00:11:58]:
And in creating that space, we we start to create the possibility for another way, rather than it all just feeling really contracted and constricted and all consuming. And the more that we can turn towards that with genuine compassion and curiosity, because everything that I've been describing, that's coming from a very tender place, a part of you that deeply yearns to be accepted and wrapped in someone's unconditional love, and yet the way that we go about trying to get that for ourselves, we we want to be able to do it while sidestepping any risk or vulnerability. And, of course, as I've said, that actually blocks us from authentic, connected relationships with people who want to see the real us and who really choose all of us and accept all of us. So it's actually, as always, it begins with you. The the starting point is trying to cultivate more self compassion and self acceptance so that we aren't harboring these beliefs that certain parts of us are unacceptable and that we cannot possibly show them to another person because no one could ever love that. The more that we can wrap that in love and the more we can wrap that in compassion and acceptance, then those protective parts will start to soften because we go like, I'm I'm okay with all of me. That doesn't mean we give ourselves a free pass to behave however we want. It doesn't mean that everything we've ever done coming from those wounded places is like great behavior.
[00:13:30]:
But the more we can hold compassion, the more that we can recognize the humanness underneath it all, and we naturally become less reliant on protective strategies that tell us that we need to be living from fear and anxiety all the time because really terrible things are gonna happen, and people are gonna reject us, and we're not enough, and all of that. When we start to really anchor into our value, and we start to really honor and recognize and appreciate that, that's when things naturally start to shift. More space opens up within us, and we actually start to gravitate towards relationships with people that feel more authentic, that feel safer, and where we feel a sense of trust in showing ourselves to someone in being truly vulnerable. And that is incredibly healing. Having those experiences is really so, so important and so healing for those parts of you that are convinced that that could never happen. So if you're someone who struggles with perfectionism, I know I certainly do, a few years ago my therapist, we were talking about perfectionism and unrelenting standards and in lots of different areas of life, but particularly for me at the time, we were talking about it in the context of work, and my therapist gave me, like, a little homework assignment, and she told me to create an Instagram post with a typo in it, and my response was like, absolutely not. Not gonna happen. Thanks anyway.
[00:14:58]:
Why would I do that? And, of course, as with all of these things, it's it's less about actually doing it and more about recognizing your response to it, and obviously my response to that was very telling because the the immediate things that that part of me that struggles with perfectionism comes back with is like, why would I want to do that? What would people think? People will think I'm sloppy or unprofessional or stupid or careless or whatever other things. Right? And that obviously speaks to how I judge things like that. Again, like, we we tend to project these unrelenting standards onto others as well. So I've still never done that. I've still never deliberately made a typo on an Instagram post. But I think, as I've spoken to, the more we can anchor in our sense of self worth and value, the more that we can trust that we bring so much more than some false facade of perfectionism. People don't love us for only the shiny parts, and that people will love us for all of it if we can be brave and courageous enough to let them, and of course discerning enough around who we share our our vulnerability with and our authentic selves with because that's a piece as well. We want to be creating the safe containers so that all of our parts are handled with love and care.
[00:16:19]:
Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful for you if you're someone who does struggle with perfectionism in understanding and connecting the dots a little on maybe why that's something you struggle with, where it comes from, and what you can start to do to shift those patterns, which essentially, as with so many things, boils down to how can I turn towards myself with self compassion and self acceptance? How can I allow myself to be human in the same way that I hopefully allow others to be human? And the more that we can build that self worth, the more that we trust that our value goes beyond just being perfect. And that then paves the way for safe, authentic relationships where we can bring our whole selves and we can relax a little on those defensive strategies, those self protective patterns that are originating from a wounded part of us that doesn't believe that we can be loved unless we're perfect. So thank you so much for joining me. Always grateful for those of you who leave a rating or a review. I read every single one of them. For people who are watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. That would be hugely helpful. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks so much, guys.
[00:17:31]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Perfectionism, relationships, attachment patterns, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, abandonment wound, self-worth, self-compassion, self-acceptance, vulnerability, shame, people pleasing, self-abandonment, authenticity, relational dynamics, Secure Self Challenge, attachment wounds, protective strategy, self-perception, secure relationships, self-protection, unworthiness, fear of rejection, Brene Brown, jealousy, comparison, attachment style, anxiety in relationships, love and approval, connection, thriving relationships.