#176: Conscious Dating: How to Raise Your Standards & Date from Self-Worth
In today's episode, we're talking all about conscious dating and how you can raise your standards and date from a place of grounded self-confidence and self-worth. Many anxiously attached people struggle a lot with dating, experiencing anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt every step of the way. This can naturally block us from connecting with others in a way that feels healthy and authentic.
We'll cover:
The importance of dating with intentionality
Common mindset pitfalls
Identifying your values, non-negotiables and deal-breakers
Conscious Dating: Elevating Your Standards and Embracing Self-Worth
Navigating the dating world can be a maze of emotions, particularly when feelings of insecurity and anxiety bubble to the surface. It's a journey often fraught with self-doubt and uncertainty. But what if you approached dating from a place of self-worth, armed with the clarity of your own values and intentions? The concept of conscious dating encourages us to do just that—raising our standards and engaging in relationships that are genuinely fulfilling and aligned with who we are. This paradigm shift offers not only a healthier approach to relationships but also transforms the dating experience into something enjoyable and empowering.
Understanding Conscious Dating
Conscious dating is about living with intention and purpose in the world of relationships. It's the antidote to the autopilot way many of us approach dating, where actions and decisions are made without a deep understanding of what we truly seek. This often leads to chasing validation and settling for less than we deserve. By embracing conscious dating, we prioritise our values, establish clear boundaries, and ensure our actions align with our long-term relationship goals.
An integral part of conscious dating is acknowledging and addressing the triggers that may arise, particularly for those with anxious attachment patterns. This involves being aware of how our self-worth, or lack thereof, can influence the way we date. When approached without intention, dating can become a stressful experience, taking the joy out of meeting new people and exploring potential partnerships.
Setting Intentional Standards
One of the first steps in conscious dating is determining your values, non-negotiables, and deal breakers. Values encompass the qualities you cherish in a relationship, such as trust, honesty, or personal growth. Knowing these values allows you to filter out relationships that won't meet your needs. This clarity helps prevent the common pitfall of entering relationships based on fleeting feelings of infatuation rather than solid compatibility.
Non-negotiables, on the other hand, are the must-haves. These are critical elements that are essential for you in a partner. Deal breakers are those aspects that you cannot accept—traits or circumstances that would lead you to end a relationship. Both are vital in ensuring that you engage in relationships that are truly compatible and have the potential to thrive.
Being clear on these aspects might initially feel daunting, particularly if self-worth issues make you question your right to be discerning. However, embracing this clarity is a powerful exercise in self-worth. It ensures you're not compromising on what truly matters to you and affirms that you deserve a relationship that meets your standards.
Approaching Dating with an Abundance Mindset
A crucial element of conscious dating is the energy you bring to the process. Entering the dating scene with a mindset of abundance and positivity can significantly alter the outcome. If you approach dating with the belief that it's a tedious task, the experience will likely reflect that mindset. Conversely, maintaining a positive outlook, believing in the abundance of suitable partners, and recognising dating as an opportunity for growth, can transform it into a rewarding journey.
This shift in perspective from scarcity to abundance fosters an open and receptive attitude, making you more attuned to meaningful connections and less likely to settle for incompatible relationships. By raising the bar and trusting in the abundance of aligned partners, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy of success and satisfaction in your dating life.
Communicating Your Intentions
For many, a significant barrier to conscious dating is the fear of scaring off potential partners by being too upfront about their desires and intentions. However, communicating what you want in a relationship doesn't make you demanding; it simply reflects your commitment to finding a partner who shares your vision for a future together.
Being honest about your intentions and desires ensures that you're not wasting your time or theirs, and it filters out those who don't share your aspirations. Those who are aligned with your values will appreciate your clarity and be equally forthcoming about their expectations.
Enjoying the Journey
Ultimately, conscious dating is about enjoying the process. By approaching dating with a mindset of exploration rather than obligation, you give yourself permission to enjoy each encounter for what it is—a learning opportunity and a step closer to finding a truly compatible partner.
Being authentic in your approach and tuning into what really matters guarantees that the connections you form are more likely to be meaningful and rewarding. As you embrace conscious dating, let go of the idea that dating is a chore you have to endure. Instead, see it as a journey of growth, self-discovery, and empowerment, leading you to the relationships and experiences that enrich your life.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do your attachment patterns influence your approach to dating? Can you identify any specific triggers that arise during the early stages of dating?
Reflect on a time when you dated from a place of low self-worth. How did that impact your relationship, and what might you do differently now with increased self-awareness?
What does it mean to you to date with intention? How does this differ from how you have approached dating in the past?
Compile a list of your core values that you want to see reflected in a partner. How do these values influence your relationship choices?
Identify your non-negotiables and deal breakers in a relationship. How do these criteria help you filter for suitable partners?
Consider a previous relationship or dating experience where you ignored red flags or deal breakers. What motivated you to overlook those, and what would you change in future situations?
How comfortable do you feel in asserting and upholding your values and standards in dating? What steps can you take to strengthen your confidence in this area?
What mindset shifts can you implement to transform your energy and outlook on dating into one of optimism and enjoyment?
Describe how "conscious dating" resonates with you. How can it help you build healthier and more satisfying relationships?
Reflect on your current energy when approaching dating. Is it aligned with the type of partner you wish to attract, and if not, what adjustments are necessary?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Conscious Dating Workshop: Join my Insiders membership on the Premium tier for free access to my Conscious Dating Workshop
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Additional Resources
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about conscious dating. How to raise your standards and date from a place of self worth. So for a lot of people dating is really really challenging, and particularly if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns. Dating can bring all of your stuff to the surface in pretty acute ways.
[00:00:53]:
Everything that is inherent to the dating process, Trying to get someone to like you, trying to impress people, feeling judged, feeling like you have to present a certain version of yourself, wanting to be liked, being afraid of being rejected, having to deal with the uncertainty of early dating when you don't quite know where you stand with someone, all of that stuff is, like, going right to the heart of a lot of your triggers as someone with anxious attachment patterns. And so it makes sense if you do really struggle with dating and it's something that you have a lot of anxiety and stress around. And yet I think we can all agree that dating from a place of low self worth, of insecurity, of anxiety, not only doesn't tend to yield the results you're looking for in terms of being able to put your best foot forward and feel confident and at ease, but it actually robs you of any enjoyment of the process, and I hear that from people all the time. You know, how do I actually enjoy dating because I kind of hate it more or less? It feels like just this big ball of stress, and I wish I could skip through all of that and just get to the part where I've met someone and we both want the same thing, and I can do away with all of that dating stuff. If only it were that simple, right? But there are thankfully things that you can do to enjoy the process more and set yourself up for more success in terms of how you navigate the process, how you present yourself, how you show up, what you're embodying, such that you are more likely to find people who are aligned and wanting the same thing as you. You are better able to approach dating from a place of authenticity, which I think allows you to relax into the process a little. And you can actually have fun along the way. That might sound crazy to those of you who really hate dating, and feel like it's something you have to do rather than something you want to do, but I think there are a few really important mindset shifts that you can implement that can really, really help to change your whole energy and mindset around dating.
[00:02:50]:
Okay. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. If you're on my email list, you would have seen that I am running a sale on two of my best selling courses, sort of a Valentine's Day ish sale that's stretched into this week as well. I'll be leaving it up for another couple of days, but it's on my higher love course, which is my breakup course, and Secure Together, which is my couples course. So whether you're in a relationship, you've just come out of a relationship, both of those are on sale for upwards of 60% off. So if you've been eyeing either of those and you're wanting to go a little bit deeper into my work, now's a really good time to do that. I'll be leaving that sale up for the next couple of days.
[00:03:32]:
Second quick announcement is just on the topic of today's episode around conscious dating. I've actually recorded a workshop on conscious dating that I've put in my insider's membership. So I haven't spoken about my membership for a while. There's been a lot going on, but I have a membership community that is super affordable. It's a way to connect with others who are interested in this work, who love the podcast, but it's also a way to get support from me. So if you have any questions, you can pop them there, and I'm in the community every day and answering people's questions. But it also has extra resources, including a workshop on conscious dating that I've just recorded. And so if you like today's episode and you wanna go a little bit deeper on this topic in the form of a full length workshop, you can access that as part of my insider's membership.
[00:04:20]:
Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around conscious dating. I think it's important to distinguish, and I do go into this in the workshop that I just mentioned, what does conscious dating mean? Sort of like conscious dating and conscious relationships, these terms get thrown around a bit. And I think it's quite simply by contrast to unconscious dating. So if you're just dating in a sort of autopilot kind of way, you download the apps, you swipe, you connect with people, you chat, you go on dates, you do all of that from a place of not really thinking terribly much about it. There's no real plan. There's not a lot of intentionality. There's not a lot of clarity in terms of specifically what you are looking for and available for.
[00:05:06]:
And I think that as with anything, when we're not leading with intentionality and clear standards, there's a really good chance that our subconscious parts are gonna be at the wheel. And if your subconscious parts tend towards anxiety and approval seeking, maybe you have patterns of being in relationship with people who are emotionally unavailable or who don't want the same thing as you. All of those things are not how we want to be led when it comes to dating. We want to make sure that our conscious, deliberate, intentional, value led parts are really driving the bus, because otherwise we're going to get more of what we've always had, and if what we've always had is not what we want more of, something's gotta give. Something's gotta change. Right? And so that's where we start to think of, like, okay, what would it mean to date with intention? To date consciously? To date in a way that is led by values? And I think that this can be really challenging for people with anxious attachment because for a lot of folks, we're so minded to try and get people to like us, and that feels like the ultimate prize. Just get someone who loves me and thinks I'm amazing and wants to be with me. That the idea of saying no to people who maybe aren't a good fit often doesn't even cross our minds.
[00:06:30]:
We're just so exhilarated by the idea of being wanted and being chosen that we're not actually doing much choosing ourselves. We're not applying any sort of clear lens in terms of what do I actually want, what am I actually looking for in a relationship, in a partner. We're actually just chasing a feeling, and that can you know, it's not to discount the importance of feelings and connection and all of that, but that can't be the driving force because if you are always following familiar feelings of infatuation and connection, you're gonna be following familiar feelings of familiar situations and places and relationships. Right? And so a really big part of conscious dating, of raising your standards, of dating intentionally, is getting very clear on what are my values in a relationship. What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? This is something that I teach in pretty much all of my programs, and it sounds very simple and straightforward, and yet it's amazing to me how few people have clarity on these questions. And it's not even I think a lot of people have never turned their mind to it, but even when they do turn their mind to it, they can often be a bit stumped. Right? Because we're so unaccustomed to almost feeling like we get to have that level of input into what we get out of dating and relationships. I think when we struggle with self worth, we also struggle with a sense of deservingness, and so the idea of asserting, like, that doesn't work for me or I'm not available for that, that feels quite foreign, and we feel like we maybe don't have the right or entitlement to be so demanding, which is kind of wild when we think about what we're talking about here.
[00:08:18]:
So being really clear for yourself, and this is important because it filters for the kinds of people that you are not actually going to be able to build a secure relationship with. Anxiously attached people in particular have this tendency to think, like, I'll be led by feelings first, and then even if there are some maybe friction points or things that don't fully line up, I'll just lock them in and then I'll change them later. Right? I'll lock them in today and then I'll convince them that actually marriage is a great idea or that they'll want kids once they fall in love with me. And all of these things can be really fraught and can lead us to pursue relationships that are like projects, and we then pour all of ourselves into trying to get someone to be a certain way, to show up differently, to change their values, because we think that that's some kind of heroic act of love to get someone to change for us. That is all like, if you relate to that, that's big savior complex territory. That is a big glaring red flag for, like, this is coming from my unworthiness. And maybe I don't feel deserving of the person who already wants what I want, or maybe I think that it would prove my worth somehow to make the unavailable person available. Right? If I could manage to pull that one off, then I'd know that I really am worth something, that I really am lovable because this person's made big changes in order to be with me.
[00:09:49]:
Right? Say this is someone who has so been there. I have taken on a project or two in my time, and it is really something that ultimately costs us a lot in the long term because we we lose so much of ourselves in the process of trying to get someone else to be someone that they aren't. The stakes feel so high because we're placing our worth in what someone else does or doesn't do, and that's so beyond our control. So having a lot of clarity for yourself around your values, around your nonnegotiables, around your deal breakers is a really good way to set the bar much higher than you otherwise probably would if you were just going in blind from the outset, and it ensures that you are filtering for things that aren't a match. And that is ultimately even if it might feel scary to say no to anyone, that's ultimately a way to say yes to the things that are a good fit. It's sort of like the advice you get when you're starting out in business. And I know for me, when I was starting out doing this work, the idea of, like, you just wanna say yes to every possible client or opportunity, or you don't wanna create content on 50 different topics because you're scared to choose a niche or a specialization because you think that's narrowing down your potential client pool. And when you're starting out, that feels really scary, and you have this sense of scarcity, and I'll just take anyone because I need it.
[00:11:10]:
But really, you don't want just anyone. You want the people who are aligned. You want what's right for you. And in saying no to what isn't right for you, you are getting so much clearer around what is right for you. And so even though that might feel like a scary adjustment to make, it's ultimately in service of funneling you closer to the types of people in relationships that you really want. And so digging in a little more into, like, what are we talking about here with values, with deal breakers, with non negotiables? So values might be things like relationship qualities that you value. So I value being able to share vulnerably about our feelings without it blowing up into conflicts. That's a really important thing you might value.
[00:11:53]:
You might value trust and honesty. You might value a culture of personal and relational growth. So if you know that for you personal development is a big part of your life, for me it certainly is, obviously, I wouldn't be available for a relationship right now. I mean, I'm in a relationship, but if I weren't, I wouldn't be open to a relationship with someone who had no interest in personal development work, who thought it was all stupid, quackery, woo woo, don't want to hear about it, and was very dismissive of that. That would just not be aligned. It wouldn't make sense. It's a big part of my life. It's a huge part of what drives me and interests me, and that, for me, wouldn't work to have someone who was, like, completely uninterested.
[00:12:36]:
So getting to know yourself, and and be part of identifying these values is, like, being okay with your own values and validating that and going, yeah, this is who I am and I'm comfortable with that. So I'm okay with standing firm in the fact that I'm allowed to want a partner who lines up with these parts of me. Right? Again, this is a big exercise in self worth because it does require us to assert more of ourselves and to know ourselves and be okay with who we are. Other values might be things like someone who's family oriented. It might be things around where you wanna live. It might be things around the types of activities that you engage in. Your faith or spirituality might be part of your value system. Some other values might be things like the type of lifestyle that you live.
[00:13:21]:
You might be super health oriented and really into fitness and outdoors, or you might not be into that at all, and it might not be a fit if someone else is really into that. You might not be one for partying, and so if someone is doing a lot of partying, that might not feel like a good fit. Values around work might be another thing that feeds into lifestyle. Are you someone super, super work oriented or not? And you might have preferences in that respect. So start to get a clearer picture of what your values are around what a good life looks like so that you can be more discerning and filtering for someone who is aligned with you in that respect. All of those things start to flesh out. What do I really want in a partner? What things are really important to me? What am I looking for? All of that goes into what your values are. Then we get into non negotiables and deal breakers, and these are essentially a notch up on values.
[00:14:15]:
So you might have values that ascend to the level of non negotiables or deal breakers, a non negotiable basically being a positive requirement that you have to have in order to be interested in in pursuing a relationship. So it is not just a nice to have, it's an absolute must have in a partner. So a non negotiable might be that you both value monogamy, right, and that's the kind of relationship structure that you want. It might be that you want kids or don't want kids. It might be that you both wanna live in a particular city and you're happy with settling there, or that you don't wanna live in a particular city. Right? All of these things, it's like, it will not work unless. Right? And having real clarity around that for yourself on, like, what am I what am I absolute non negotiables in a partner? And then the flip side of non negotiables, deal breakers, and it's essentially a a negative expression of the same thing, is, like, if this is present, then it absolutely won't work for me. So a deal breaker might be that someone wants kids and you don't or vice versa.
[00:15:21]:
So oftentimes, we can flip our nonnegotiables into deal breakers. Nonnegotiables being I need these things to be present. Deal breakers being these can't be present. So another deal breaker for some people might be lifestyle considerations. So it might be a deal breaker for you if someone drinks or smokes or takes drugs. Those sorts of things might be stuff that you're not comfortable with, and so that's a clear bright line that you draw for yourself. Some other deal breakers might be, as I said in the nonnegotiable section, around relationship structure. So if someone wants an open relationship and you don't, that might be a deal breaker, and I would recommend that it probably should be because those sorts of ones are pretty black and white.
[00:16:01]:
Right? You might have heard me previously refer to these as structural incompatibilities, and it's a bit of a dead end. If one person wants kids and the other person doesn't want kids, there's no compromise position on having half a kid. Right? You either have kids or you don't. And if it's really important to both of you in different directions, then, that's really good to know at the outset because that might be the end of the road for you. And that leads into a very common question that I get, which is, like, how soon to raise all of this stuff? Because I understand not wanting to go in on your first date or even when you're messaging someone off an app and leading in with a questionnaire of here are my values and non negotiables and deal breakers, and I just wanna check that we're aligned. Could you please fill out this form? Right? We don't wanna be weird about it. We don't wanna be too intense. We don't want people to feel like they're being quizzed or that we're judging them.
[00:16:55]:
But at the same time, I think and again, anxiety can make this more challenging, but I think we can be human, and we can be normal, so to speak. We don't have to be really intense and weird about it. But we can also stand firm in what we know we're available for and trust that, like, we're not gonna scare off someone who is like minded with being clear around what we want. Right? But if you say to someone, I'm looking for a relationship. I'm not really available for just casual stuff. If someone else is looking for a relationship, that's music to their ears. Right? The person who gets scared off by that is the person who doesn't want a relationship, who only wants something casual, who is noncommittal. And if you scare them off, like, let them be scared off.
[00:17:40]:
That's good. Right? Reframing how we relate to connections that don't develop into anything and recognizing that when it is values led for us, that's good too. If something doesn't proceed because it's not aligned, it might be disappointing if you're excited about the possibility of it. But ultimately, that's good because that ending is actually taking you closer to something that is more aligned. And I know that that can be hard to reframe yourself towards, but that's a very, very important mindset shift. It's saving me time and energy and investment in something that was never gonna be a good fit. Right? And so I do think that there is value in being pretty upfront with people. Again, not in a way where you're being demanding or overly prescriptive or rigid or intimidating or speaking down to someone and almost making them prove themselves to you, that's not the energy we wanna go into it from.
[00:18:35]:
And this really comes back to what I was saying before around the more comfortable you are in yourself and what you want and what you're available for and believing that you are worthy and deserving of that, then it it becomes much more easeful. You don't have the same level of anxiety around communicating this stuff, advocating for yourself, because you really know and trust that it's perfectly valid to want what you want, and you really feel comfortable in the knowing that you actually don't want anything less than a an aligned relationship and a connection that feels good and ticks those really important boxes for you. So you feel much more comfortable in in finding that and having the conversations that allow you to find that because it stops being about just trying to get anyone and everyone to fall in love with you, which I think again is our unworthy parts at the helm. One last thing that I'll say, and this is, again, the mindset piece, is that a really important part in enjoying dating is doing it from an energy of vitality, of an energy of feeling good. Right? We're not going to enjoy dating if we are going into it with an energy that is heavy, and resistant, and drained, and we've got all of these beliefs of dating is such a slog, and the apps are absolute hell. I feel like I'm waiting through a swamp. Why do I have to do this? It's probably gonna be a waste of time anyway. Everyone on there is whatever.
[00:20:01]:
Right? If you are telling yourself that story over and over again, and yet you're still taking your phone out and getting on the apps every day, and swiping through, and feeling defeated and deflated, and then you're reluctantly going on dates but you're already convinced that it's going to be a dead end and you're going to be disappointed, then of course that's going to be true. Right? Of course it is. Of course that's going to be a self fulfilling prophecy because that's what you're expecting. And and really, something that I say in the conscious dating workshop is what we expect shapes what we accept. So if we're going in with this mindset of, like, this is just gonna be, you know, a low vibe, uninspiring thing, and I'm probably not gonna meet anyone, then we're more likely to pursue and engage with people who fit that description because we're convinced that that's all that's available. So why look for anything more than that. Right? What we expect shapes what we accept. So really don't be afraid to raise the bar for yourself and try and go into it.
[00:20:58]:
And I know that it might feel like faking it till you make it for a bit, but that's okay. Going into it with an energy of, like, I trust that there are so many people out there who are amazing and who I could form a great relationship with, it's my job to to find them. And when you're seeing dating as an opportunity, and also trusting that the more you elevate your own energy, so dating from a place of abundance and vitality and feeling good, and those are the kinds of people that are attractive to be around, that people are drawn towards, that kind of natural ease for confidence. And so, like, being in that energy is going to yield so much more by way of connection and enjoyment of the process than if you are in a really, like, heavy, low vibe, uninterested, uninspired, defeated kind of energy. That is not attractive to be around. That kind of negativity, people feel it. Even if you're slapping a smile on, we can all feel through that. So just bear in mind, like, from what energy am I showing up? Am I showing up from a place of not actually believing in this process at all and feeling like it's a drag and a waste of my time? Because think about what that might feel like to be on the other side of.
[00:22:11]:
Okay. So I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that has given you something to work with, something to think about if you are dating or maybe you're thinking about reentering the dating scene. Really, doing it with a level of intentionality is a great idea. And having clarity for yourself around what you're looking for before there's person in front of you that you are excited about and you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole in terms of convincing yourself that they're a good fit when maybe they aren't. Doing this work in advance will really set you up for a lot more success in the process and will hopefully allow you to enjoy yourself along the way. So hope this has been helpful. So grateful for those of you who leave reviews. If you're watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. Otherwise, I will look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:00]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment, relationships, relationship coach, conscious dating, self worth, anxious attachment, dating anxiety, authentic dating, mindset shifts, high standards, Higher Love course, Secure Together course, insider's membership, intentional dating, values, non negotiables, deal breakers, relationship values, structural incompatibilities, self worth, deservingness, personal development, monogamy, lifestyle compatibility, online dating, dating apps, energy and vitality, self fulfilling prophecy, scarcity mindset, emotional availability.