#175: Perfectionism & Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we explore how perfectionism intersects with anxious attachment and impacts our ability to form secure relationships. We examine how the drive for perfection often stems from attachment wounds around unworthiness and creates barriers to authentic connection.
Key themes covered:
The links between perfectionism and anxious attachment patterns
How perfectionism manifests in relationships (performing, people-pleasing, fear of making mistakes)
The connection between perfectionism and fear of abandonment
Why perfectionism creates distance in relationships despite our intentions for closeness
How perfectionism impacts vulnerability and emotional intimacy
We discuss practical steps for:
Recognising perfectionist patterns in your relationships
Moving from self-criticism to self-compassion
Embracing "good enough" in relationships
Building tolerance for imperfection
Showing up authentically in relationships
Navigating Perfectionism and Anxious Attachment in Relationships
In the intricate world of human emotions, our attachment styles profoundly influence how we interact with others, particularly in romantic relationships. Among these, anxious attachment and perfectionism often coalesce into an intricate dance of fear, striving, and yearning for acceptance. Many people, burdened by an underlying sense of unworthiness, find themselves trapped in a cycle of perfectionism, believing that flawless performance is the key to love and acceptance. Understanding the intersection of these patterns can offer a pathway to more authentic, fulfilling relationships.
Understanding Perfectionism and Its Roots
Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a quirky trait—something harmless or perhaps even admirable, akin to having a tidy desk or neat handwriting. In reality, perfectionism runs far deeper. At its core, it is a protective strategy, a response to the fear of rejection and failure. The driving belief here is, "If I'm not perfect, I am unworthy of love and acceptance." This fear-based striving for flawlessness is not simply about being meticulous—it's about a profound dread of the consequences that perceived imperfections might bring: rejection, disapproval, and the ultimate terror, abandonment.
For many, this unrelenting pursuit of perfection is tied to a deep-seated fear of not being good enough—a common experience among those with anxious attachment styles. This belief can lead to an exhausting cycle of self-criticism and shame, where any slip-up feels catastrophic, and self-compassion seems impossible. This internal battle often spills over into relationships, where anxiously attached individuals may feel they must be perfect to earn their partner's love and approval.
The Perfectionism-Anxious Attachment Cycle
Anxious attachment is characterised by a heightened sensitivity to the fear of abandonment. Those who experience it often live in a constant state of alert, scanning for possible signs of rejection. This vigilance can manifest in perfectionistic behaviours—endeavouring to be the "ideal" partner who offers everything their loved one might need to prevent them from leaving.
However, this approach is a double-edged sword. While it might temporarily soothe fears of rejection, it also prevents genuine connection. The relentless effort to be perfect and the resulting inauthenticity block true vulnerability and intimacy—the very ingredients needed for a trusting relationship. As individuals hide parts of themselves they deem unloveable, they feel unseen and unchosen, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and the cycle of anxious attachment.
Breaking Free: Cultivating Self-Compassion and Authenticity
The journey towards healing these patterns begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. Recognising when perfectionism takes the wheel is the first step. Acknowledging the underlying fears and wounds allows individuals to separate their true selves from the protective strategies they have adopted. It is about gently turning towards oneself with curiosity rather than judgement.
Cultivating a kinder internal dialogue—one that embraces all parts of the self, not just the polished, curated versions—can ease the grip of perfectionism. The more individuals can accept and love themselves unconditionally, the less reliant they become on external approval to validate their worth. This shift creates space for vulnerability, allowing for more authentic and meaningful connections.
The Role of Relationships in Healing
While self-work is the foundation, healing from anxious attachment and perfectionism is also relational. Positive experiences in relationships can be incredibly healing for those who have struggled with these patterns. Being with someone who sees and loves you in all your imperfect glory can dismantle the long-held belief that you're only worthy of love when you are perfect. Such relationships, characterised by safety and trust, offer a nurturing environment where one can slowly release the shield of perfectionism and embrace vulnerability.
In these relationships, true intimacy is nurtured. You begin to understand that you do not have to be perfect to be lovable, and that imperfections do not diminish your value. Instead, they can become bridges to deeper connection when shared with the right person.
Conclusion
Overcoming the entwined challenges of anxious attachment and perfectionism is undoubtedly a journey—a process of slowly reconstructing one's beliefs about worthiness and love. It involves embracing the messiness and imperfection of being human and recognising that worth is innate, not something to be earned through flawless performance. With self-compassion as a guide and authentic relationships as safe havens, it's entirely possible to experience relationships where you are loved for exactly who you are, not who you think you need to be. Through this healing, our connections can become truly rewarding spaces of acceptance and mutual respect.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt the need to be perfect in a relationship. What fears or insecurities might have been driving that need for perfection?
Consider the idea that perfectionism could be a protective strategy. What might your perfectionism be trying to protect you from in your closest relationships?
How has the pursuit of perfection impacted your ability to be authentic with others? What might be different if you allowed yourself to show more of your true self?
Discuss the connection between perfectionism and shame as explained in the episode. In what ways do you recognize this interplay in your own life?
Reflect on how perfectionism and people-pleasing manifest in your relationships. Can you identify moments where you've abandoned your true desires to maintain an image of perfection?
Think about the idea that perfectionism could hinder vulnerability in relationships. How might embracing your imperfections encourage deeper connections with others?
What does the concept of "self-compassion" mean to you, and how might cultivating it help in reducing perfectionistic tendencies?
Have you ever experienced self-criticism as a result of failing to meet your own standards? How did that experience affect your self-worth or relationships?
Consider the notion of presenting a "false version" of yourself to others. What are the risks and rewards of letting those close to you see the parts of yourself that you often hide?
What might be some first steps you can take to start softening perfectionistic patterns in your life? How could this change the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Join the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Starts 10 Feb 2025
Additional Resources
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about perfectionism and the role that it plays in our relationships, how it intersects with our attachment patterns. So I've actually done an episode a while ago, probably a couple of years ago now, on the role of perfectionism in anxious avoidant dynamics and how relationally, patterns of perfectionism can influence how we perceive our partner from an anxious perspective and an avoidant perspective. I'll link that episode in the show notes. What I'm really talking about today is probably more from the perspective of anxious attachment and how our self perception can be governed by perfectionism and how perfectionism really is a protective strategy, like most everything else that we experience in relationships, where it comes from, what it is protecting against, and how we can maybe soften some of those patterns so that we can experience more self acceptance, more ease, more trust in our relationship.
[00:01:32]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. My Secure Self Challenge started two days ago. It's a twenty eight day challenge for building self worth. And as we'll be talking about in today's episode, building deep, embodied self worth is absolutely essential to overcoming patterns of self protection like perfectionism. As I said, the challenge officially kicked off on Monday this week, but I will be leaving registration open until the end of the week if there are any last minute people who want to squeeze in to this round. I run it usually twice a year, so if you are interested, there probably won't be another opportunity to participate in the challenge until the second half of the year. So as I said, link is in the show notes.
[00:02:14]:
You can go and check that out and join us if that appeals. Second quick announcement. I can't believe that I haven't actually shared this on the podcast. It's a little embarrassing because it speaks to how disorganized I am, but I created a free resource a couple of months ago now, that I've shared on Instagram. So if you follow me there, you've probably already seen it. But it is called the anxious attachment starter kit. As I said, it's completely free. It includes a video where I speak about my own journey with anxious attachment and and how I healed my anxious attachment.
[00:02:44]:
It also includes a workbook with journal prompts looking at anxious attachment and those patterns, and it also includes an exclusive guided meditation on affirmations for anxious attachment, sort of self soothing. So those are all exclusive resources in this anxious attachment starter kit. So if you'd like to download that completely for free, I've linked that in the show notes as well, or you can head to my website and check out the freebies page there, and it is listed. Again, my apologies. I haven't shared that here sooner. That is terribly disorganized of me. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around perfectionism and how it interfaces with our attachment wounds and our patterns in relationships.
[00:03:24]:
So I think there can be some misconceptions around perfectionism. I think sometimes when we talk about perfectionism casually, it's almost spoken about as if it's just like mild neuroticism, someone who has, like, a perfectly tidy desk at work, or who has immaculately neat handwriting, or is very particular about how things have to be. But in reality, I think perfectionism goes a lot deeper than that. And I think for most of us, perfectionism is really coming from this place of, if I am not perfect, then I will be unloved, I will be not good enough, I will be rejected, cast out, judged, disapproved of. So it's this sense of, like, desperately striving to earn our worth by not allowing ourselves to be imperfect. And I think that's actually a much better way of looking at it. Perfectionism is not about, like, wanting to be perfect. I mean, it is, but it's coming from the place of fear of what it would mean if we weren't perfect.
[00:04:27]:
And for those of us who struggle with unworthiness, which is frankly, I think most of us, certainly most of the people who listen to this podcast, and certainly anyone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns and and probably disorganized attachment patterns as well, this deep worthiness wound or unworthiness wound that we carry that has us believe that we are not good enough and that we have to earn or prove our worth somehow. We have to earn people's love, affection, approval. And perfectionism emerges as a way for us to do that. It's our system trying to present a version of ourselves that is flawless, because we believe that any cracks in the armor, anything we do wrong, we put one foot out of line, and that's going to be the trigger for people rejecting us, disapproving of us, excluding us, not loving us, leaving us. Right? And so we start to see that this is actually a strategy that's protecting against a lot of those core wounds, and that's really where perfectionism intersects with our attachment patterns and our attachment style. And, you know, relationally, I think for most people with anxious attachment, as you would know, the abandonment wound and that fear of rejection is so at the heart of your attachment style and everything that you fear in relationships. Right? And so for anxiously attached people, there's this sense that I have to be perfect or else you're going to leave me. And I think that actually, you know, patterns of jealousy and comparison and lots of other things that anxious attachers will experience in relationships, I think, are branches off the same tree.
[00:06:05]:
It's this sense of, like, I'm always looking over my shoulder. I'm always scanning for threats because I think you're gonna leave me for someone else because I'm not good enough. And so I try to be perfect. I compare myself to everyone else who's sort of in our orbit to make sure that there are no threats. There's nothing else I should be doing in order to get you and keep you. The other side of that, and this is something that Brene Brown talks about, is like, the flip side of perfectionism is shame. Because if we fail, or are seen to fail, we do something wrong. Shame is very quick to jump in and punish us with self criticism and blame and pointing the finger of, if anything bad happens, it's because of you and you're not good enough in sort of an essential way.
[00:06:51]:
There's really no space for self compassion, for self forgiveness, when we are stuck in these rigid patterns of perfectionism and shame. And that is a really painful and fractured internal relationship because we become our own worst enemy there. We've got such exacting standards for how we have to be, and they really are unattainable and unsustainable. And so we live in this constant anxiety of knowing that sooner or later we will make a mistake because we are human, and yet also knowing that we're going to beat ourselves up for that, and the the immense shame that we will feel if and when we do do something wrong or make a mistake or, we are seen to be imperfect, that lurking shame that we carry that's going to bubble up to the surface feels like it's going to swallow us, and that's so aversive. Right? Like, we want to avoid that as much as we possibly can, and so, of course, that really narrows our window of tolerance. That makes us really anxious around trying to avoid certain experiences, and there's just more and more contraction in our system as we walk this tightrope of perfectionism and shame. The other challenging thing about perfectionism in relationships is the way that it links in with patterns of people pleasing and self abandonment, right? If we think that we have to be perfect in order to be lovable, or to get our partner to choose us, to get someone to commit to us, to to stop them from leaving us, then we're almost certainly not being authentic, right? Because no one is authentically perfect, and perfectionism is essentially a performance. It's, you know, suppressing certain parts of us and dialing up others, over functioning, overworking, striving all the time, never really resting in an easeful, peaceful place.
[00:08:47]:
Because, again, we've always got this lurking thing of, if you do anything wrong really bad, things are going to happen. And so it actually blocks us from vulnerability. It blocks us from deeply, authentically connecting with someone, because we're not letting them see all of these parts of ourselves. Right? We've siloed and exiled and buried away all the parts of ourselves that we deem to be imperfect, unacceptable, unlovable. And when we do that and we're presenting this false version of ourselves that is very curated and, you know, carefully selected as the parts of us that we decide are worthy of love, then we're actually not giving someone a chance to really know us and to really love us and to really choose us. And it becomes this almost self perpetuating thing where deep down we know that it's unsustainable, maybe not consciously, but if it works, if someone chooses us because of this very narrow version that we've presented to them, then it's almost so exhausting and tiring to know that we have to keep that up in order to maintain their love, their approval, the connection. And so knowing that, like, we have to then continue to hide all these parts of ourselves that we've deemed unlovable is actually a very, very challenging way to be in a relationship. It's never going to lead to the the safety, the security, that deep enduring, relaxing love that you so deeply yearn for and crave.
[00:10:17]:
And so you can start to see that, like, even though it might be the only way you've ever been in relationships and you don't really have any concept of what another way would look like, Hopefully, you're starting to see that perfectionism as applied to relationships, and not even just romantic relationships. Right? You're probably if you are like this, there's a good chance that you do this in a lot of settings. Maybe you do it at work. You don't allow yourself to ever show any kind of vulnerability or imperfection, and you're deeply convinced that if you were to do that, people would turn on you very quickly, people would judge you, people would cast you out, or other bad consequences would flow from that. Similarly, in social settings, you might be convinced that people don't like you and that you've got to be, you know, completely perfect all the time in order for people to want to be around you. These are all really common branches off the tree, as I said earlier. So I think as with everything, awareness really helps, and starting to notice when that perfectionist part is at the wheel and what it might be trying to keep you safe from in that moment. So if you notice yourself being really rigid and comparing yourself to other people, being terrified of showing a part of you that you think is, you know, too messy or ugly or or whatever else, really turning towards yourself in that moment and just noticing allows you to create distance between the part of you that is using that perfectionistic strategy and whatever other part of you might be underneath that's harboring these deep fears and wounds, and then the you that is observing all of that.
[00:11:58]:
And in creating that space, we we start to create the possibility for another way, rather than it all just feeling really contracted and constricted and all consuming. And the more that we can turn towards that with genuine compassion and curiosity, because everything that I've been describing, that's coming from a very tender place, a part of you that deeply yearns to be accepted and wrapped in someone's unconditional love, and yet the way that we go about trying to get that for ourselves, we we want to be able to do it while sidestepping any risk or vulnerability. And, of course, as I've said, that actually blocks us from authentic, connected relationships with people who want to see the real us and who really choose all of us and accept all of us. So it's actually, as always, it begins with you. The the starting point is trying to cultivate more self compassion and self acceptance so that we aren't harboring these beliefs that certain parts of us are unacceptable and that we cannot possibly show them to another person because no one could ever love that. The more that we can wrap that in love and the more we can wrap that in compassion and acceptance, then those protective parts will start to soften because we go like, I'm I'm okay with all of me. That doesn't mean we give ourselves a free pass to behave however we want. It doesn't mean that everything we've ever done coming from those wounded places is like great behavior.
[00:13:30]:
But the more we can hold compassion, the more that we can recognize the humanness underneath it all, and we naturally become less reliant on protective strategies that tell us that we need to be living from fear and anxiety all the time because really terrible things are gonna happen, and people are gonna reject us, and we're not enough, and all of that. When we start to really anchor into our value, and we start to really honor and recognize and appreciate that, that's when things naturally start to shift. More space opens up within us, and we actually start to gravitate towards relationships with people that feel more authentic, that feel safer, and where we feel a sense of trust in showing ourselves to someone in being truly vulnerable. And that is incredibly healing. Having those experiences is really so, so important and so healing for those parts of you that are convinced that that could never happen. So if you're someone who struggles with perfectionism, I know I certainly do, a few years ago my therapist, we were talking about perfectionism and unrelenting standards and in lots of different areas of life, but particularly for me at the time, we were talking about it in the context of work, and my therapist gave me, like, a little homework assignment, and she told me to create an Instagram post with a typo in it, and my response was like, absolutely not. Not gonna happen. Thanks anyway.
[00:14:58]:
Why would I do that? And, of course, as with all of these things, it's it's less about actually doing it and more about recognizing your response to it, and obviously my response to that was very telling because the the immediate things that that part of me that struggles with perfectionism comes back with is like, why would I want to do that? What would people think? People will think I'm sloppy or unprofessional or stupid or careless or whatever other things. Right? And that obviously speaks to how I judge things like that. Again, like, we we tend to project these unrelenting standards onto others as well. So I've still never done that. I've still never deliberately made a typo on an Instagram post. But I think, as I've spoken to, the more we can anchor in our sense of self worth and value, the more that we can trust that we bring so much more than some false facade of perfectionism. People don't love us for only the shiny parts, and that people will love us for all of it if we can be brave and courageous enough to let them, and of course discerning enough around who we share our our vulnerability with and our authentic selves with because that's a piece as well. We want to be creating the safe containers so that all of our parts are handled with love and care.
[00:16:19]:
Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful for you if you're someone who does struggle with perfectionism in understanding and connecting the dots a little on maybe why that's something you struggle with, where it comes from, and what you can start to do to shift those patterns, which essentially, as with so many things, boils down to how can I turn towards myself with self compassion and self acceptance? How can I allow myself to be human in the same way that I hopefully allow others to be human? And the more that we can build that self worth, the more that we trust that our value goes beyond just being perfect. And that then paves the way for safe, authentic relationships where we can bring our whole selves and we can relax a little on those defensive strategies, those self protective patterns that are originating from a wounded part of us that doesn't believe that we can be loved unless we're perfect. So thank you so much for joining me. Always grateful for those of you who leave a rating or a review. I read every single one of them. For people who are watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. That would be hugely helpful. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks so much, guys.
[00:17:31]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Perfectionism, relationships, attachment patterns, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, abandonment wound, self-worth, self-compassion, self-acceptance, vulnerability, shame, people pleasing, self-abandonment, authenticity, relational dynamics, Secure Self Challenge, attachment wounds, protective strategy, self-perception, secure relationships, self-protection, unworthiness, fear of rejection, Brene Brown, jealousy, comparison, attachment style, anxiety in relationships, love and approval, connection, thriving relationships.