How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Relationships
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
Key points include:
Feelings of instability in relationships: Many with fearful avoidant attachment feel fine when single, but painful emotions surface in relationships, often leading to blaming their partner.
Impact of partner's attachment style: A hallmark of fearful avoidant attachment is the shift between anxious and avoidant behaviours, which can vary from one partner to the next depending on the attachment combinations.
Idealising vs. villainising partners: There’s a tendency to place partners on a pedestal at times, but then quickly villainise them when triggered or threatened.
Fear of intimacy vs. longing for connection: Fearful avoidants deeply crave closeness, but a core fear of rejection — often rooted in shame — makes true intimacy feel unsafe. Fear of betrayal and difficulties with trust are also common.
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Triggerhere✨
Understanding Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Navigating relationships can be a challenging journey, especially when attachment styles come into play. One of the most complex attachment styles is the fearful avoidant attachment. People with this style often find themselves yearning for intimacy but simultaneously feeling petrified by the prospect of it. This paradox of wanting closeness yet fearing it creates a series of intricate dynamics within relationships that can be difficult to manage for both partners involved. Let's delve deeper into how fearful avoidant attachment manifests in relationships and explore ways to navigate these challenges.
The Push-Pull Dynamic
Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment frequently experience a push-pull dynamic in their relationships. On one hand, they deeply crave connection and intimacy. They are often described as "hopeless romantics" who idealise relationships and partner prospects. The initial phase of a relationship can feel exhilarating as they may place their partner on a pedestal, believing this could be the person to save them from past relational pains.
However, as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate, a profound fear takes hold. Fearful avoidant individuals have an ingrained belief that those closest to them hold the power to inflict the most harm. This fear triggers protective mechanisms, causing them to pull away from their partner, sometimes abruptly. This shift from intense closeness to sudden distance can be bewildering for their partners, leading to a cycle of confusion and hurt.
Impact of Shame and Self-Loathing
A core aspect of fearful avoidant attachment is a deep-seated sense of shame and self-loathing. Many people with this attachment style feel inherently broken and unworthy of love. This belief fuels their protective behaviours, aiming to conceal these so-called "unlovable" parts of themselves.
Experiences of shame often intertwine with secrecy. Fearful avoidant individuals might hide parts of themselves or be less than honest in relationships. The thought of being truly seen and known is both a longing and a terror. Revealing their authentic selves is frightening, as they worry it will confirm their worst fears of rejection and inadequacy.
Relationship Triggers and Reactions
Fearful avoidant individuals respond differently depending on their partner's attachment style. For instance, if their partner displays dismissive avoidant behaviours—creating emotional distance or being noncommittal—it can trigger abandonment fears in the fearful avoidant person. This can lead to clingy, anxious behaviours and an overwhelming need for reassurance.
Conversely, if their partner has an anxious attachment style, seeking constant closeness and reassurance, the fearful avoidant individual may feel smothered. This suffocation triggers their fear of engulfment and loss of independence, prompting them to pull away, criticise their partner, or appear flaky and noncommittal.
Understanding these triggers can help fearful avoidant individuals and their partners navigate the complexities of their relational dynamics more mindfully, fostering empathy and patience.
Strategies for Creating Safety
While the challenges of fearful avoidant attachment can seem daunting, there is hope. Here are some strategies for creating more safety and stability in relationships:
Increase Self-Awareness: Recognising one's own patterns and triggers is a crucial first step. Understanding why you react a certain way allows you to address the root cause rather than just the symptoms.
Communicate Openly: Honest communication is vital in any relationship, but especially so for those with fearful avoidant tendencies. Sharing your fears and struggles with your partner can foster understanding and intimacy.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in working through attachment issues. A professional can offer guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore these deep-seated fears.
Establish Boundaries: Creating clear boundaries can help manage feelings of being overwhelmed. This might include setting aside time for personal space or defining limits on emotional sharing.
Practice Self-Compassion: Work on cultivating a kinder inner dialogue. Recognise that feeling scared or overwhelmed does not make you unworthy of love. Embracing self-compassion can gradually reduce feelings of shame and self-loathing.
Build Emotional Safety: Focus on building a relationship environment characterised by trust, consistency, and emotional support. Both partners should feel safe expressing themselves without fear of judgement or rejection.
A Journey Towards Healing
Understanding and addressing fearful avoidant attachment is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, both from the person experiencing it and their partner. Remember, the journey towards secure attachment and healthier relationships is made up of small, consistent steps. It's about creating a safe environment where openness, vulnerability, and trust can flourish, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.
While the path may be challenging, it is also profoundly rewarding. By addressing attachment fears and working towards vulnerability and connection, individuals can experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Healing from fearful avoidant attachment is possible, and with self-awareness, support, and dedication, one can build the foundations for a loving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself idolising your partner at the beginning of a relationship, only to later feel disillusioned? How do you think this impacts your emotional wellbeing and the stability of your relationships?
When you're not in a relationship, do you notice a significant difference in your emotional regulation and sense of control? How might being single allow you to feel more secure and grounded?
Reflect on a time when you abruptly pulled away from someone close to you. What fears or insecurities do you think were triggered in that moment that led to your withdrawal?
If you identify with fearful avoidant attachment, in what ways do you feel seen or unseen in your relationships? How does this perception shape your interactions and emotional responses?
Consider the role of shame in your relational patterns. Are there parts of yourself that you feel need to be hidden? How does this secrecy affect your ability to form deep, authentic connections?
Have you ever found yourself fluctuating between feeling intensely connected to a partner and feeling the urge to push them away? What triggers these shifts for you, and how do they influence your relationship dynamics?
How do you navigate feelings of defensiveness and criticism from your partner or yourself? What strategies might help you create a sense of safety and reduce reactivity in those moments?
Reflect on any patterns of blaming your partner for relationship issues. To what extent do you think these patterns might be rooted in your own fears and insecurities?
In relationships where you feel overly anxious or avoidant, what core fears do you think are being highlighted by your partner's behaviour? How might recognising these fears help you respond more constructively?
If you have a history of feeling "broken" or "defective," how does this belief impact your relationships? What steps can you take to challenge these beliefs and foster more secure and loving connections?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships. So whenever I talk about fearful avoidant attachment, I always get this resounding feedback of more. Please talk more about fearful avoidant attachment. And as I've said, I think that that's because there tends to be a bit less, by way of content, around fearful avoidant attachment relative to anxious attachment and even avoidant attachment.
[00:00:58]:
And I know that many folks who struggle with fearful avoidant attachment are what we might call seekers, people who really want to understand themselves better and so are really hungry for information that feels validating and illuminating as to, you know, why they struggle with the things that they struggle with. And so I'm hoping that in today's episode, it's going to be a little bit free form in the sense that I'm just going to be sharing tidbits of things that fearful avoidant attaches are likely to experience and struggle within their relationships, you know, how that attachment style shows up, some things that you might expect. And I'm hoping that this will be insightful both for people who identify with that attachment style and folks who might be in relationship with someone with that attachment style and those patterns, so that you can understand a little more what drives it. Maybe you can feel seen. I think that many folks with those attachment patterns can feel quite broken. And so I think anyone who has that tendency towards feeling broken, feeling like there's something wrong with them, it can be extremely validating and encouraging to realize that you're far from alone in your experience. And not only is there an explanation, but there is hope. It's not something that you are condemned to struggle with for the rest of your life.
[00:02:12]:
There are things that you can do to shift those patterns towards something that feels more sturdy, more stable, more secure, and can give you some relief from that inner turmoil. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of announcements. As I've shared a bit recently, I've got some exciting events coming up in Australia. A workshop in Sydney at the end of November, and a retreat in Byron Bay in May next year. I've also got some really exciting things in the pipeline, brand new things online, and I'm not quite ready to announce that yet. I know that sounds very cagey. It's mostly because I haven't finalized the details, and I don't want to log myself into anything prematurely.
[00:02:53]:
But if you're interested in, you know, any or all of those things, I really encourage you to jump on my email list. I send out a weekly ish newsletter. I'd love to be able to say every Thursday morning at 10 AM, it goes out like clockwork. Sadly, I am not that organized, but I send out a weekly ish newsletter that dives deep into the types of themes that I explore in my podcast. Sometimes it is a deep dive into a podcast episode, sort of in an extended blog post format. I have over 30,000 people who receive my email newsletters, and I always get really beautiful feedback. So if you're interested in receiving those newsletters just for the fun of it, jump on my email list and with the added bonus that that is where I always announce things first, opportunities to work with me and new programs, new offerings. My email list always gets first dibs on that.
[00:03:38]:
So if you're interested in any of those ways to work with me, for the in person stuff, you can go straight to my website and sign up. Or for the upcoming things that I haven't quite announced yet, jump on my email list and you'll be the first to hear. Okay. So let's dive into talking about fearful avoidant attachment and how it shows up in relationships. So I think it's helpful to say at the outset that for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, when they're not in a relationship, they feel pretty under control, relatively speaking. They might feel like they have a reasonable grip on their, you know, emotional regulation. Things like reactivity, which can really come out a lot in relationships, very easily triggered, might be less apparent when they're not in a relationship. For some people, it'll be, like, you know, night and day, like, they're totally fine when they're single, but once they get into a relationship, all of that stuff really rises to the surface very quickly.
[00:04:30]:
For some others, I would say those patterns of reactivity and being very easily triggered by other people, being very sensitive to perceived criticism and feeling very defensive, those things can bleed into other areas of life, so friendships or working relationships. But for the most part, I would say that people with fearful avoidant attachment will feel more under control when they're not in a relationship. And that makes sense when we think about the fact that for fearful avoidant folks, they have an imprint around relationships, that the people closest to me have the greatest capacity to hurt me. I really long for that connection and intimacy, but I'm so afraid of it when I get close to it, that all of my protective parts come out with guns blazing so fierce in their commitment to keeping me safe from all of the things that I associate with intimacy, which are a lot of fears. So it can be really disorienting and confusing for someone with fearful avoidant attachment, and for someone who's in relationship with someone with fearful avoidant attachment, that they can really seek out relationships. I think that there is this hopeless romantic part in many fearful avoid people. They do have, at least on the surface, a positive association with relationships, in that they are inclined to seeking them out. They want love, they want connection, and so they sort of move towards that and seek that.
[00:05:57]:
And I think initially there can be a tendency to pedestalize a partner, to really idolize them and to think like, this is it, right? This is the person I've been waiting for, and in this relationship, unlike all the others, everything's going to be great. All of my demons are going to sort of dissolve because this person's going to be the one. I'm not going to have to struggle in the ways that I've struggled previously. I'm going to it's almost like this is my salvation. And so there can be this tendency to really look up to someone that they're initially drawn to and attracted to and seeking out relationship with. And I think for the person on the other side of that equation, that can feel you know, really wonderful, as it does at the start of a relationship. I think we can all put a partner on a pedestal at the start of a relationship and kind of see them through rose colored glasses. But I think the fearful avoidant really does do this a lot, And I think they not only do they think the partner's amazing, but they do tend to have these stories, whether conscious or not, that this partner is going to kind of be their ticket out of all of that stuff that they've struggled with for so long.
[00:07:06]:
And this is where it gets really challenging because inevitably, there's a fall from grace there. Right? The higher you put someone on a pedestal, the further they have to fall. And so I think that as the relationship progresses, as things get closer, more intimate, the fearful avoidant will invariably be brought into contact with their wounds, their sensitivities, because intimacy is such a sore point, is such a challenge for them, that as much as they yearn for it and seek it out and long for it, when they get it, when they get close to it, it actually really terrifies them. And that can be as confusing for them as it is for the other person. Right? It's not like they've done this in a really cold and calculated way. I think that if you spend too much time in certain areas of the Internet that are talking about, like, love bombing and narcissism and all of that, it's not to say that that doesn't happen, but that's really not what's happening for someone with fearful avoidant attachment. It's not a manipulative strategy to try and hurt someone, and it is as confusing for them as it is for the other person. The fact that they can go from all in and really excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so smitten with the other person to really turning.
[00:08:25]:
And the turn can be quite pronounced. It can be really extreme. It's not just, you know, a a fade out. They can go from thinking someone is this, like, incredible, best person I've ever met, love of my life, to thinking that they are just the worst. Right? You are my worst enemy. You are, you know, total villain. And oftentimes they can't explain that in rational terms. But it's so persuasive and it's so real, this almost sense of hatred towards their partner that can kind of fall upon them so quickly that you can have one small rupture.
[00:09:04]:
And the fear and the rage and the heat that comes up in them directed towards their partner can feel so intense. And oftentimes, the only way they know how to deal with that is by pulling away, by pushing away, by getting as far away from their partner as they can. And I think that, I would argue deep down, most folks with fearful avoidant detachment know that the blame they place on a partner is probably not the full picture because deep down, and really this is another key piece here, at the heart of fearful avoidant detachment is a lot of shame, a lot of feeling broken, feeling like there is something really fundamentally wrong with me, and kind of almost self loathing a lot of the time. And so as much as their protective strategy is to push someone away, blame them, make them the bad guy, I think depending on the level of self awareness, I think on some level, many people would know that deep down they feel like they're the bad guy, and they're pushing someone away to both save the other person and save themselves from that. And I think you might even hear someone with fearful avoidant saying things like, you deserve better than me', or 'I just hurt people', I'm too fucked up to be in a relationship', those sorts of sentiments, and so they feel like they almost have to push someone away, both for their own self preservation, because as we said at the start, they feel so much more, kind of, level and grounded when they're not in a relationship. So for their own sake and the sake of this person that they do kind of put on a pedestal and they do feel undeserving of much of the time, it's almost like, I have to save you from me. But it doesn't come out that way. Often that will be cloaked in anger or blame or defensiveness or criticism.
[00:10:56]:
So all of that can feel really complicated, and it can feel messy and confusing and really painful for everyone involved. I think another key piece, and it sort of ties in with this, both the shame and that longing for intimacy, is that often fearful avoidance will pull away when they feel like someone is getting to see them. So again, it's this sense of, like, I so yearn to be known. I so yearn to be understood and loved and seen. And the idea of that actually happening, the reality of that, is so deeply frightening that as soon as anyone actually gets close to knowing me and seeing me, I'm inclined to consciously or subconsciously come up with some sort of reason to push them away. So I think because shame is such a big piece for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, often shame and secrecy go hand in hand. So there might be certain parts of themselves that they have been, you know, not fully upfront about. They haven't been honest with the people that they're in relationship with.
[00:12:09]:
And maybe they're really compartmentalizing or not being fully authentic, which I think makes sense when someone feels like there's something wrong with them or they're broken or there is something to be ashamed of. Often, secrecy and pretending and half truths are a strategy to conceal those parts of themselves that you, you know, have deemed to be unacceptable or unlovable. And so while there is this yearning to be known and seen and to have true intimacy with someone, I think that sounds really nice in theory, but in practice, that requires letting someone see parts of you that maybe you've never shown to anyone before. And when you believe at a really fundamental level that no one could ever love those parts because you can't love those parts or you feel you can't love those parts, the idea of someone else actually seeing those, you know, when it's crunch time, that's pretty terrifying. And most people, I would say, will default to a protective part, a protective strategy to stop that from actually having to happen. It takes a huge amount of capacity and self awareness and bravery and vulnerability to actually go there, and a huge amount of safety in the relational container. And so unless you've got that safety established, which arguably is a bit chicken and egg because I think that it's hard to have that level of safety when you haven't been vulnerable, when you haven't been honest and authentic. And so I think that often what will happen is the relationship lacks that level of emotional safety, lacks that level of containment and trust.
[00:13:47]:
And so when push comes to shove, the idea of actually being vulnerable, being honest, being forthcoming about those parts of you that you've kept secret or that you've hidden away, that can just be so confronting and so daunting that you feel as it's just not worth it. That it's too high risk because if they see that, they'll reject me and they'll confirm everything that I already deeply believe about myself, which is that no one could ever love that if they were to really see that. And so rather than taking that risk of showing yourself to someone, it feels like the safer thing to do is pull back at that point, to end the relationship, to make the other person the problem, to come up with some sort of reason why it's not a good fit. All of these can be kind of different branches of the same tree, which is wanting intimacy, but as soon as I get close to it, I've got to find an exit, because it just feels almost claustrophobic, the idea of being with your back up against the wall and actually having to face the reality of being seen and known by someone fully laid bare without all of those, you know, protectors standing in front of you and keeping that buffer or keeping that distance that has been a safety blanket for you for probably most of your life. So the last piece that I want to speak to and I do apologize. I realize this has been a very all over the place episode. I did I did warn you in the introduction that it was gonna be a little bit stream of consciousness. But one piece that I want to speak to is a question that I get a lot, which is how feeble avoidant attachment might manifest itself or express itself in relationship with different kinds of partners.
[00:15:34]:
So matched with someone who is dismissive avoidant, are you likely to be more anxious? Whereas with a more anxious partner, are you likely to be more avoidant? And the short answer is yes in most cases. I think when we take a step back and go, okay, attachment styles are basically describing the strategies that we use to create safety for ourselves in relationships. And they also describe what types of things cause us stress or fear in relationships. When we look at it that way and we consider that the fearful avoidant, they experience both anxiety and avoidance. They rank high on both of those metrics. And they also tend to experience the core wounds of both anxious and avoidant attachment. So they struggle with a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection. They also experience that fear of engulfment, that fear of loss of self.
[00:16:28]:
They're very protective of their independence. They don't want to feel like they're being smothered. They feel defective in relationships and they have a lot of shame around that. So they kind of have aspects of both anxious and avoidant detachment. Because of that, because they, you know, have core wounds from both ends of the spectrum, they have protective strategies to accompany those core wounds or that have grown out of those core wounds. So we can then see that someone with fearful avoidant attachment, if they're in relationship with someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns, it is more likely that that person with dismissive avoidant patterns who's, you know, leaning on their strategies of maybe creating distance, maybe being noncommittal, not being very clear in their feelings, maybe pushing away intimacy, that that is more likely to trigger the abandonment wounds and the fear of rejection in the fearful avoidant. And so it's more likely to enliven the strategies that grow out of that. So trying to get close, trying to get reassurance, you know, trying to get someone to like them, the more people pleasing parts.
[00:17:34]:
Contrast that with fearful avoidant in relationship with someone with more anxious attachment patterns, who might be more clingy and reassurance seeking and wanting to get closer and closer and closer. That's likely to trigger the intimacy fears of the fearful avoidant. The fears of being smothered, the fear of engulfment, the protectiveness around their independence, and as we just talked about, the shame and the sense of brokenness, that sense of I can't let you get too close because you'll see me and that terrifies me. And so in those circumstances, in that kind of dynamic, you're more likely to get avoidant strategies of pushing them away, of being non committal, of being flaky, of criticising a partner, finding things that are wrong with their partner as a way to create distance. So I think seen against that backdrop, this question that I get all the time from people as if it's a great mystery actually makes perfect sense. That if you have more fearful avoidant patterns and you carry all of those core wounds and fears, that depending on who's on the other side of the equation, you are more likely to animate or manifest different aspects of those strategies depending on what wound is really front and centre for you, what you're being most brought into contact with. So it actually, I think, makes a lot of sense when seen against that backdrop. Okay.
[00:18:53]:
So I'm going to leave it there. I hope that that was, you know, a helpful, albeit a little bit all over the place, dive into how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships, some of the things that are likely to present as challenges, what you might experience. As I said in the introduction, my intention with this is hopefully to allow you, if this is you, to feel validated, to feel understood, to know that there's perfectly good reasons for why you struggle with the things you struggle with, as is true for all of us. You know, our patterns really make perfect sense in the context of our past experience, and there are things that we can do. You're not inherently broken or defective. You're not just bad at relationships and doomed to struggle forever. It's just really about understanding, okay, what's going on for me here? What am I afraid of? And what could I do to create a little more safety for myself and in my relationships so that I feel able to step towards the edge of what is comfortable for me in a way that allows me to build that capacity and build the container and my ability to hold those things. So hopefully that's been insightful for you.
[00:20:02]:
As always, really grateful for those of you who leave feedback, leave reviews, and let me know if you want more of this kind of content. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:12]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
fearful avoidant attachment, relationships, attachment styles, insecure attachment, emotional regulation, reactivity, intimacy fears, shame, vulnerability, self-awareness, relationship patterns, defensive behaviour, emotional safety, attachment wounds, relationship challenges, core wounds, protective strategies, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of engulfment, fear of loss of self, longing for intimacy, emotional triggers, abandonement wounds, independence in relationships, criticism in relationships, people pleasing, feeling broken, hopeless romantic, dismissive avoidant,
Sex & Attachment: How Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
We’ll cover five key differences in how anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and approach sex.
Emphasis on Emotional vs Physical Intimacy
Anxiously attached individuals may place a stronger emphasis on emotional intimacy and connection as a foundation for physical intimacy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might prioritize physical intimacy while keeping emotional vulnerability at arm’s length.Overthinking vs Dissociating
When it comes to sex, those with an anxious attachment style may find themselves getting stuck in their heads, overthinking and ruminating on whether they’re pleasing their partner or what their partner might be thinking. Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might struggle to stay present during intimacy, often dissociating or emotionally checking out as a way to manage their discomfort with closeness.Focus on Other vs Focus on Self
Anxiously attached individuals often focus heavily on their partner’s needs and feelings during sex, sometimes to the detriment of their own experience. In contrast, avoidant individuals might approach sex with a more self-focused mindset, prioritising their own comfort and boundaries, which can create distance in the sexual connection.Libido / General Openness to Being Intimate
Anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a heightened desire for intimacy as a way to secure closeness and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals might experience a lower libido or be less open to intimacy, particularly if they feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.Impact of Relational Tension on Desire for Sex
Relational tension can have opposite effects on anxious and avoidant individuals. Those with anxious attachment may seek sex as a way to repair or soothe relational tension, while those with avoidant attachment might withdraw further, seeing sex as a source of pressure rather than connection.
How Anxious and Avoidant Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
Sex and attachment styles are deeply intertwined, often shaping the dynamics and quality of our intimate relationships. The ways in which individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and relate to sex can markedly differ, significantly influencing their sexual interactions and relationship satisfaction.
The Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Spiral
One common pattern observed in relationships is the anxious-avoidant sexual spiral. Initially, the relationship might be characterised by intense physical attraction and a vibrant sex life, which can feel satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. As the relationship progresses, however, the avoidant partner may begin to withdraw sexually, leaving the anxious partner feeling distressed and rejected.
This dynamic often leads to a cycle where the anxious partner increases their attempts to rekindle the sexual connection, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure, further pulling away. This can create a vicious cycle of pursuing and distancing, exacerbating feelings of insecurity and unfulfillment for both parties.
Physical vs Emotional Intimacy
For anxiously attached individuals, sex often represents the pinnacle of emotional and physical intimacy. It serves as a powerful reassurance of the relationship’s stability and their partner’s desire for them. Anxious individuals often seek out sex not just for physical pleasure but as a means of securing emotional closeness and validation.
In contrast, avoidant individuals tend to view sex primarily as a physical act. The idea of sex as an emotional, intimate experience can be foreign or even uncomfortable for them. As relationships deepen and emotional expectations increase, avoidant individuals may experience a decline in sexual desire, struggling to reconcile emotional intimacy with sexual attraction.
Nervous System Responses During Sex
The physiological responses during sex can also differ significantly between anxious and avoidant individuals. Anxiously attached individuals often experience an overactive sympathetic nervous system response, leading to overthinking and difficulty being present. They might worry about their performance, their partner’s satisfaction, or how they are perceived, which can detract from their ability to enjoy the moment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, may struggle with presence but in a different way. They are more likely to dissociate or numb out, appearing emotionally and physically distant during sex. This lack of engagement can be distressing for their anxious partners, exacerbating their insecurities and perpetuating the avoidance.
Focus on Partner vs Self
Anxiously attached individuals tend to prioritise their partner’s experience during sex, often to the detriment of their own needs and desires. They focus on ensuring their partner is satisfied, seeing their partner’s pleasure as validation of their worth and as reassurance of the relationship’s health.
Avoidantly attached individuals may be more self-focused, attending to their own pleasure and expecting their partner to communicate their needs directly. This approach can come across as indifferent or selfish, but it stems from a different relational dynamic where self-sufficiency and autonomy are prioritised.
Openness to Sex
The inclination towards physical intimacy also varies. Anxiously attached individuals are often more open and ready for sex, viewing it as a vital means of maintaining connection and assessing the relationship’s health. They are typically more willing to engage in sex, even if they are not immediately in the mood, because it reassures them of their partner’s interest and commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, may be less spontaneous and more likely to reject sudden advances. The need for emotional and relational harmony is paramount for them to feel sexually inclined. If the relationship feels strained, their libido might decrease significantly, as they struggle to bridge the gap between emotional discord and physical intimacy.
Relational Strain and Sexual Desire
Interestingly, relational tension can influence sexual desire differently for anxious and avoidant individuals. For the anxiously attached, relational strain might heighten their desire for sex as a way to reconnect and mend the perceived rift. They see sex as a balm for the relationship and a critical indicator of their partner’s commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might withdraw further when the relationship is under strain. The discomfort of emotional tension can dampen their sexual interest, as they find it challenging to engage intimately when they feel relational discord. They may see sex as a pressure-ridden obligation rather than a means to restore connection, thus pulling away even more.
Navigating These Dynamics
Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationships. Acknowledging the influence of attachment styles can help partners navigate differences with greater empathy and insight. Anxiously attached individuals might work on building self-validation and communicating needs without pressurising their partner, while avoidantly attached individuals could focus on enhancing emotional connection and openness to vulnerability.
By recognising that these patterns are common and addressing them with compassion and willingness to adapt, couples can create a more balanced and satisfying sexual relationship. Letting go of the notion that one must change oneself entirely, and instead appreciating the intricate dance of attachment styles, can pave the way for deeper intimacy and stronger relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you see your attachment style influencing your approach to sexual intimacy? Can you identify behaviours or thought patterns that reflect this?
In what ways do you use sexual intimacy as a barometer for your relationship's health? Does this create pressure or anxiety for you or your partner?
Consider your last intimate experience. Were you able to remain present and connected, or did you find yourself overthinking or dissociating? How might your attachment style have influenced this?
Reflect on a time you felt rejected or dismissed when initiating intimacy. How did this affect your feelings of self-worth? How might understanding attachment styles change your perception of this experience?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your own pleasure and desires during sex? Do you tend to prioritise your partner's experience over your own? How does this align with the characteristics of your attachment style?
Think about the role emotional intimacy plays in your sexual relationships. Do you see sex as an emotional connection or more as a physical act? How does this perspective influence your relational dynamics?
How does conflict or relational disharmony affect your interest in sex? Reflect on whether you become more anxiously engaged or avoidantly distant when things aren't perfect between you and your partner.
Is there a recurring pattern in your sexual dynamics that you believe might stem from an attachment-related wound or insecurity? How might you start addressing and healing this within yourself?
Are you open to discussing sexual issues and dynamics with your partner? How might an open and honest conversation about attachment styles improve your sexual relationship?
Reflect on the idea of "the anxious avoidant sexual spiral." Have you experienced this pattern in your relationships? How did it impact your connection and overall relationship satisfaction?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:31]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about sex and attachment, and specifically how anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to their experience of and how they relate to sexual intimacy. So this is a big topic. It's one that I have touched on before in the podcast, but not in recent history, and it's one that I do receive a lot of questions in DMs about people struggling with something to do with their sexual dynamic and wondering whether the attachment dynamics between them and their partner have anything to do with it. And as I always say, I think if attachment styles determine how we experience and relate to intimacy, then I think when you look at it in that way, of course that's going to affect how we relate to and experience sex, because sexual intimacy for a lot of us is pretty high up in terms of vulnerability and intimacy. And so, of course, if our attachment wounds are triggered by vulnerability and intimacy in our relationships, then of course sex is going to bring us into contact with those things in maybe a really accentuated way. And so, as we're going to talk about today, a lot of the dynamics and strategies that we'll see in other aspects of relationships are very much front and center, and if anything, can be even more pronounced and acute when it comes to the sexual relationship. And I think that can be really exacerbated.
[00:02:00]:
The distress that we feel and the sense of shame and brokenness can be exacerbated by the fact that there is so much shame around sex to begin with, and we don't talk about it very much. So I think in my experience, when people are struggling sexually, there tends to be much more of an inclination to cover it up, not talk about it, avoid it, and then assume that you're the only one experiencing it because you haven't heard about it anywhere else, or it's not really visible to you in other people's relationships. And I'll just say at the outset, being in the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories and being on the receiving end of people's questions and worries, I can assure you that you're far from alone if you can relate to what we're going to be talking about today. So that's what we're going to be covering. I'm going to be sharing 4 key ways in which anxious and avoidant leaning people differ in their experience of sex and how they think about sex in relationships and more broadly. And as I said, I'm hoping that that will normalize these things to the extent that you're experiencing them, and also point you in the right direction in terms of what you might need to work on, where your behavior is originating from within you, what may be wounded parts or insecurities, what subconscious drivers are perpetuating those patterns and how you might be able to shift it towards something healthier and more fulfilling. Now before we dive into today's episode, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment. Doors will be closing in a few days' time for this round and I'm not sure when the next round will be.
[00:03:35]:
Possibly at the end of the year, possibly early next year. But I would love to have you inside the program. We have a whole module on Secure Sexuality for anxiously attached people, how you can not only understand these dynamics and your part in them, but how you can cultivate a really secure sexuality within yourself, 1st and foremost, as a way to be more present and confident and really enjoy sex rather than using it as validation or a way to temperature check the relationship, which, as we'll get to, is very common among anxiously attached people. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, I would love to have you head to my website or click the link in the show notes to join me and hundreds of others in this very special program. It's going to be a great round. I'm so excited for it. We've got a strong community component this time with a live online community and 4 live calls with me, which is more than ever before. So if you are feeling the pull, now is the time.
[00:04:39]:
Make sure you sign up in the next couple of days before registration closes because we won't be accepting anyone after the deadline. Okay. So let's talk sex and attachment. I have something that I term the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which sounds like a very dramatic name, and it can be quite dramatic in practice. But it's essentially the anxious avoidant trap, that pursue withdraw dynamic as applied to sex. And I've done episodes about this before, but very briefly to recap, what we'll often see in a relationship is that there's a strong sexual emphasis to the connection at the beginning. Lots of physical attraction, maybe you're having really intense sex, really chemistry fueled, and it's super exciting. And that feels great for both people.
[00:05:28]:
Right? It feels great for the anxious partner because they tend to really prioritize and find sex to be a really important barometer for the overall connection. But also, the anxious person loves feeling wanted, and so when they feel wanted at the start of the relationship, that feels really incredible. The avoidant partner just really enjoys that intimacy and feeling like they can express themselves in that way that is really intoxicating for them and can lead them to feel really attracted when they're able to have this strong, intense sexual connection with someone. That can really fuel a lot of their interest in the early stages of a relationship. But what tends to happen is that as things become more serious, so maybe when you go from casually seeing each other to exclusively seeing each other, or maybe when you go from exclusively seeing each other to moving in together, you know, depending on the timing, it's going to be different for everyone. But as you tend to progress towards more of a steady, comfortable relationship with more expectation, more reciprocity, more of an emotional connection alongside the physical, the avoidant partner tends to start to pull away sexually. They tend to feel less attracted, less interested in sex, and inevitably, that causes the anxious person to fire up, to freak out, panic, wonder what they've done wrong, and escalate in their attempts to restore the sexual connection to what it was, in part to alleviate their own fears that they've done something wrong or their partner's lost attraction because they're not good at sex or they don't like the way I look or they found someone else, all of these sorts of things. And inevitably then, as the anxious person starts to ramp up their efforts, the avoidant person feels pressured and overwhelmed, and whether they realize it or not, that pressure is a real buzzkill in terms of their interest in sex, because avoidant people tend not to like feeling pressured to do anything, and certainly not to feel a certain way, and so they become more avoidant with respect to sex.
[00:07:38]:
And on and on that cycle goes, and that can cause a lot of distress and disconnection on both sides, and leaving people feeling, is there something wrong with the relationship? That we don't have the same effortless sexual connection that we enjoyed to begin with. So that's what I call the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which is essentially just the pursuer distance or dynamic as applied to sex. Now, picking apart some aspects of that and diving a little deeper, I want to share these 5 key ways in which anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to sex. And the first one is around physical versus emotional intimacy. Now I think that it would be fair to say that anxiously attached people struggle with being vulnerable around sex as much as avoidant people do. But even still, anxious people seek out sex both for the emotional connection and the physical intimacy. So there is this sense that sex is maybe the culmination of closeness with someone. And so for anxious partners, that's something that they seek out.
[00:08:41]:
And oftentimes, there's no upper limit on how often or how much sexual intimacy an anxious partner would like because it feels like there's really clear reinforcement of the bond. And so if I feel best when I'm connected to you, when am I more connected than when we're having sex or we've just had sex? Right? That feels like kind of the apotheosis of connection. And so for someone who's anxiously attached, it feels very reassuring if there's a very vibrant sexual relationship, because they think, my partner's not going to leave me if they really enjoy having sex with me and we're having a lot of sex. Right? That's a really surefire way for an anxious person to feel, you know, close, connected, reassured. And so for anxiously attached people, that tends to be a very high ranking priority kind of relationship need is for the sexual relationship to be there. And the flip side of that is that if there's something wrong with the sexual relationship, so to speak, if there's a sudden change in frequency or tone to the sexual relationship, then the anxious partner is gonna take that as meaning something about the relationship as a whole. They really do tend to use sex as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. On the other hand, the avoidant partner tends to be much more focused on the physical component of sex.
[00:10:03]:
And that's not to say they don't enjoy sex, but the idea of sex being this romantic, intimate, emotional experience is probably not only foreign to an avoidant partner, but also maybe quite uncomfortable. And we can see that in the way that an avoidant partner tends to distance when emotions, when intimacy and vulnerability get brought into the relational sphere as a relationship progresses, or maybe as the relationship becomes more comfortable, moves away from that initial sense of novelty and excitement and adventure and newness that comes with a relationship at the beginning as it settles into something a bit more predictable and safe. For a lot of avoidant people, they don't know how to reconcile that level of familiarity with sexual arousal, desire, attraction, which they do tend to experience as a mostly physical act rather than one that is heightened by emotional connection and in turn deepens the emotional connection. So that's a really key distinction between anxious and avoidant people, in how they process this idea of emotional and physical intimacy. Okay. So the next key difference between anxious and avoidant people insofar as sex is concerned is what your nervous system tends to do during sex. So for anxiously attached people, you'll typically experience your whole body and system going into overdrive during sex, like a kind of overactive, mobilised sympathetic nervous system stress response. So this will typically show up as really overthinking, so struggling to just be present and embodied.
[00:11:47]:
Because you're so stuck in your head, you may be thinking, what are they thinking? Are they enjoying themselves? How do I look right now? All of these sorts of insecurities. Am I doing this right? All of that is likely to be, like, very active in your mind, in that kind of problem solving, obsessing mode that will be familiar to so many anxious people, you know, outside of the bedroom. But you'll likely see that kind of experience very much front and center for you when it comes to sex. So in that same overthinking, very, very active mentally, and unable to switch your mind off so that you can actually just relax and enjoy. On the flip side of that, avoidant people also really struggle with being present and embodied, but they tend to go the other way. And this really mirrors your respective stress responses anyway. So you've probably heard me talk about conflict. Same thing, right? Anxious people dial up, and they go into a very mobilized stress response, whereas avoidant people tend to numb out or dissociate, and you'll see that sexually as well for a lot of avoidant people.
[00:12:54]:
They struggle with presence, but because they're kind of numb, they might feel blank, not very present, not very engaged. It might feel if you're partnered with someone who is more avoidant that they're not really in the room, that it feels like they're just totally vacant. And of course, that can impede your ability to connect and really enjoy, and these things tend to reinforce each other. So if you're more anxious and you see your partner who's got their eyes closed or is is just not really present, you can feel that they're energetically not really present, then that's going to send your insecurities really spiraling, wondering if they're having a good time, wondering if you're doing something wrong, and that takes you out of presence even more so, so we can see how those responses bounce off each other insofar as sex is concerned. Okay. The next difference between anxious and avoidant people is that, again, this kind of mirrors what we see outside of sex, which is that anxiously attached people will almost always focus to extreme degrees on their partner's experience during sex. So they're only concerned with their partner enjoying it. So they're very focused on giving pleasure to their partner and ensuring that everything is to their partner's preferences.
[00:14:10]:
Don't worry about me, whatever works for you, so long as you come out of this experience having had a good time and feeling positively about it, that's all I need. Right? And you can hear aspects of the broader relational dynamic in that. Don't worry about my needs, so long as your needs are taken care of, so long as you're happy with me, then I'm happy. Right? So it tends to show up for a lot of anxious people in sex, whereas for avoidant people, they tend to be more focused on themselves. So they're focused on their experience. They may be less likely to go out of their way to take care of their partner unless they're specifically asked to, and they have this sense of, we'll just do the thing, and I'll take care of me, and I'll ask for what I want, and it's up to you to ask for what you want. I'm not going to go out of my way to, you know, accommodate you or cater this to your preferences unless you specifically ask me to. And while that might sound people might hear that and go, oh, wow.
[00:15:05]:
Avoiding people are so selfish. I think it's just important to recognize that both of those ways of of approaching sex are, as always, at opposite ends of the spectrum. Right? And what we really want is to be able to both focus on the other person and ourselves, to be able to advocate for our own pleasure, and our own preferences and our own experience, while also obviously taking the other person into account, and obviously wanting them to be enjoying themselves and their experience to be catered to as much as ours. So, as always, we want to walk off the ledges at our opposite extremes and find our way into a healthy middle. Okay. The next key difference between anxious and avoidant people when it comes to sex is openness to having sex. So anxiously attached people will pretty much now of course, this is a huge generalization, but pretty much always be open to physical intimacy. Of course, within the parameters of life constraints, but it's very rare that an anxiously attached person is going to just be completely closed off to the idea of sex, because there tends to be a general readiness for connection in the system of the anxiously attached person.
[00:16:17]:
So if their partner initiates some sort of physical intimacy, the anxiously attached person is probably going to be quite receptive to that. Whereas for avoidant people, they don't have that same simmer a lot of the time. They tend to be in their own world and it can be quite jarring for them to suddenly switch gears. So if you're the anxious partner and you initiate some sort of physical intimacy or sex with your partner in quite an abrupt way, they might really push that away and go, I'm not in the mood, or not now, or something else that feels quite dismissing and rejecting, just because they struggle to switch gears quickly, and they feel like that's a lot of pressure, and I'm not perfectly ready and in the mood, and so I'm not really open to it at all. And that's quite different to, you'll know this if you're more anxious, that you could probably be convinced or persuaded to get in the mood even if you're not immediately there, because the idea of connection and physical intimacy, sex with your partner is such a a positive one. It's something that you really value very highly, and so it's rare that you'll go to pass up the opportunity, particularly if sex is something that feels strange in your relationship. All the more so that you're likely to want to be intimate with your partner because you feel like it's such an important thing. And that sort of leads me into the last one, which is anxiously attached people, the more strange the relationship has been, the more you're probably going to want to focus on sex, or the more interested you're going to be in sex, because you do see it as almost this panacea that alleviates a lot of your fears and insecurities about the state of the relationship.
[00:18:02]:
So if you're fighting a lot or things have felt disconnected or there's been other stuff going on between you that hasn't felt great, For you as an anxiously attached person, if you have sex, it's likely to feel like, oh, okay. Well, at least we had sex. Right? That's a good sign. That means that things aren't too dire. They still love me. I feel reassured about the state of our relationship because we've had sex. For the avoidant partner, it's likely to go the other way. So if there's been some sort of relational disharmony, if you felt disconnected, they're likely to pull away more, and be less interested in sex rather than more.
[00:18:43]:
Because I think for a lot of avoidant people, again, whether they realize it or not, they can have this programming of, everything has to be perfect in order for me to want to have sex. And if things haven't been great between us, I might just feel generally not particularly interested in being around you or being close to you, because I have some negative associations around that at the moment. And so if I'm distancing more broadly, I'm certainly going to be distancing with respect to sex, particularly when I know that for you it carries this emotional overlay that I'm not comfortable with, so I just tend to become more avoidant with respect to sex altogether when things are feeling a little fraught or tense between us. So those were 5 key differences in how anxious and avoidant people relate to sex. I hope that that's been interesting for you. I know that this is a topic that, as I said, a lot of people really struggle with and and maybe isn't talked about enough, and I think that it's so important that we do talk about it and understand it so that we don't internalise whatever we're struggling with and think that there's something just fundamentally wrong with us as individuals or the relationship, because these really are very common dynamics. And as I said, there are things that can be done. It's not something that you're stuck with forever, but it just requires some awareness as a first step, and then obviously a willingness to be vulnerable and to take risks, because vulnerability is risky, and particularly when it comes to sex, it can feel all the more so.
[00:20:19]:
So being willing to talk about it, being willing to interrupt our own default patterns to the extent that they might be making things worse rather than better, and questioning those stories that we might carry around our worth being tied to whether someone wants us. I know that's a big one for anxious attaches and can make, you know, any of these dynamics feel so much more painful and can really cause us a lot of suffering because we think that we are not good enough, and we need to change ourselves in order for our partners to want us. And as I've laid out today, there's a lot more going on than that, and oftentimes it's about another person's insecurities and their stuff rather than something that you've done or not done, or something about you that you need to change in order to change the situation. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if this has resonated for you and you'd like support with this and all of the other stuff when it comes to anxious attachment, I would love to see you inside Healing Anxious Attachment. You've got a few more days to join. I'd love to see you there. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, sex, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, sexual intimacy, relationship coach, vulnerability, intimacy, attachment styles, emotional connection, physical intimacy, nervous system response, sexual experience, relationship health, relationship dynamics, insecure attachment, relationship struggles, sexual dynamic, partner connection, avoidant partner, anxious partner, relational disharmony, sexual relationship, attachment wounds, healing anxious attachment, Secure Sexuality, anxious avoidant sexual spiral, pursue withdraw dynamic, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity.
Why Anxious & Avoidant People Are Drawn to Each Other
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the common question of why those with anxious attachment patterns are typically attracted to those with avoidant attachment patterns (and vice versa). As we know, this is a very common relationship pairing - which can be confusing when you feel like the challenges of that dynamic are at odds with your preferences and desires.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the common question of why those with anxious attachment patterns are typically attracted to those with avoidant attachment patterns (and vice versa). As we know, this is a very common relationship pairing - which can be confusing when you feel like the challenges of that dynamic are at odds with your preferences and desires.
As we'll cover, oftentimes this is driven by subconscious patterns that propel us to recreate the familiar in a way that reinforces our core beliefs about ourselves and others.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment Black Friday Sale
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about why it is that anxious and avoidant folks tend to be drawn to one another in relationship. So this is a very well established, observable, and I'm sure, anecdotally relatable pattern that we see all the time. And yet for a lot of people, it can feel really confusing because it seems to be at ODs with maybe not only what you want, but also at ODs with your preferences, your underlying desires when it comes to relationship, how you would like your relationship to look and feel. It can feel really confusing when we find ourselves in partnership with people who have ostensibly conflicting preferences and ideals when it comes to what it means to be in a relationship.
[00:01:20]:
And yet, as I said, it is very common for anxious and avoidant folks to be drawn to one another, almost like a magnetic pull that we can't resist. And if you're familiar with my work, you'd know that my philosophy is not one that says just avoid each other or it's always doomed and you should just go and find a secure partner and save yourselves the trouble. I don't subscribe to that kind of mentality, but at the same time, I think that we can often find ourselves drawn to certain people and patterns and dynamics from a subconscious, often wounded place, a place that is being largely driven by insecurities or unhelpful belief patterns. And so while that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed or the other person is bad, it is helpful always, I think, to have more awareness around what does drive our patterns so that we can have greater capacity to choose right. Without awareness, there's no choice. And I think we're much more prone to projection and fear and blame and insecurity when we're operating from a subconscious place. And the more we can bring awareness, the more we can take responsibility. We can clean up our side of the street, and we're much more likely to have healthier relationships when we are operating from something that is more aware and more conscious.
[00:02:51]:
So I'm going to be talking about this today. What tends to drive that pattern on both sides? Because it is very much a two way street. It's not just anxious people being drawn to avoidant people. Avoidant people tend to be drawn to anxious people as well. And so I'm going to share some thoughts on what can drive that on both sides. And of course, there's no single explanation that will apply to every case. But there's certainly key themes that I see emerging from the many people that I've spoken to about this and worked with before I dive into that. I just wanted to share that in a couple of weeks time, I am going to be reopening healing anxious attachment.
[00:03:31]:
It will be the 6th round of the course, which is wild to say. We've had over 1250 people go through the programme, which is very, very wonderful. And this next round happens to line up with Black Friday, which means that for those who sign up in this next cohort, you are very lucky. The timing is such that you'll be getting very discounted pricing. I'll be offering the course at the lowest price that I've offered it since I very first launched it in March of 2022. So if you are interested, jump on the waitlist via my website or that's linked directly in the notes under this episode. Being on the waitlist will ensure that you get first dibs and that you're able to access the Black Friday sale pricing for the course. I also wanted to quickly mention I've had a couple of people message me or leave a review recently complaining about me sharing about my courses at the start of each episode, and I just wanted to give a little bit of context for that.
[00:04:32]:
This podcast is ad free. I don't have any sPonsors. I don't have any subscriber only content. It's completely free. I think there's almost 120 episodes of totally free content. And believe it or not, that takes a lot of energy and effort and time every single week for me to record and edit and produce and upload, all of which I do myself. So I just want to contextualise that for people and maybe a gentle reminder that all of this doesn't just happen magically. And the only way that this show is able to exist is by me sharing opportunities to work with me in a paid capacity.
[00:05:12]:
For those who are interested in it, whether you are someone who has bought everything that I've ever offered, or you've never paid me a penny and never planned to, I'm grateful for all of you, really, I am. And I'm so glad to be able to provide so much free content and free resources for so many people. It really is incredibly meaningful. To me, but it's only viable by virtue of this very small percentage of people who do then go on to purchase something from me. So just keep that in mind, not only with respect to me, but with respect to all the creators whose work you value and follow. That it does really take a lot of effort. For me, it's the thing that I spend the most time on in my business, by a long shot, is creating free content, whether that's here or my newsletter, blog posts, YouTube videos, Instagram content, all of that is free and it is very time consuming. Anyway, so I just wanted to share that.
[00:06:04]:
Of course, you're always most welcome to skip past the first few minutes of the podcast if you find it particularly irritating, but I think that sometimes people need a bit of a reality cheque on how things work, and maybe when they're being a little bit entitled about other people's time and energy. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around anxious avoidant dynamics. Why we're so drawn to each other so, as I said, there's no hard and fast rule or explanation as to why this happens, and yet we see it happen all the time. And I'm sure many of you listening can attest to the fact that it feels almost magnetic, the pull towards each other. Even if you set the conscious intention to steer clear of certain dynamics, you might find yourselves back in them. And as a starting point, I think it's important to recognise that we are incredibly drawn to familiarity. All of our subconscious drives will gravitate towards what is known, because that's what's comfortable to us, even if what is comfortable is also challenging, painful, dysfunctional. There's a certain safety in the known relative to the unknown.
[00:07:09]:
I think when we take it a layer deeper and we look at some of the core beliefs that anxious folks and avoidant folks have around what it means to be in relationship and what that experience generally entails. We can see that the anxious avoidant pairing can do a pretty good job at keeping those belief systems intact. So for someone with more anxious patterns, the core beliefs that they tend to have about themselves are I am unworthy, I am unlovable. No one will ever love me as much as I love them. I have to work really hard to get someone's love, and to keep someone's love, I'm going to be abandoned. I'm always on the lookout for someone pulling away, someone being inconsistent, someone leaving me. Those sorts of belief systems are pretty deeply held and really etched in for someone with anxious patterns. And so when they are in relationship with someone who's more avoidant, who might not be overly expressive with their love and affection, who might be hot and cold at times, who might pull away, who might not be really consistent and available in the way they show up towards their anxious partner.
[00:08:27]:
As much as that triggers those same wounds, it also holds that belief system intact. Right? Because the anxious person believes no one's ever going to love me as much as I love them. I have to work really hard, all of these things. It's like, yeah, okay, my belief system, I've just gathered more evidence in support of that. And in a weird way, that's comforting to me because that is what I know. On the flip side of that, someone with more avoidant patterns is likely to have belief systems that sound like relationships are hard work. People are always disappointed in me. People want too much from me.
[00:09:00]:
What I do is never enough. I always feel like a failure. People are overly emotional and overbearing and controlling all of these sorts of things, which when they are partnered with someone who's anxious, those can be proven true, right. They can see someone who's very emotionally expressive, who might have high emotional needs. And as they get increasingly triggered or insecure, they tend to ramp up things like blame and criticism and raising the bar, and it's never enough. And constant requests for reassurance. And so there can be a lot of evidence gathered by the avoidant person in support of relationships are too hard, people are too much. I'm better off alone.
[00:09:41]:
And so even though that kind of very classic enactment of the anxious avoidant trap, the anxious avoidant dynamic is painful on both sides in that it's reinforcing pretty painful belief patterns. It's actually very much in accordance with each person's view of themselves, of others, and of the world. Right? So that's kind of explanation one for why we do that. There is a strange comfort in proving ourselves right, even if the things that we're proving ourselves right about are stories of pain and victimhood and unworthiness and failure. Related to that point around familiarity is you'll often see people recreating dynamics in their relationships that have some sort of echo of their family system. And when we look back at the origin patterns, the origin stories of most folks with anxious attachment style, the key factor that gives rise to anxious attachment patterns is inconsistency. So sometimes when I reach for you, you're there, and sometimes you aren't. You don't respond reliably enough to my attempts at connection that I trust in the stability of that connection that I trust in the reliability of you being there and that unreliability, that Unpredictability, that inconsistency, creates in me a lot of anxiety about whether I'm going to get my needs met creates a lot of anxiety of whether you're going to be there.
[00:11:09]:
And so when you are there, I want to keep you closed, and when you're not, I panic because I don't know whether or when you're going to come back. Right. Again, we can see a lot of the things that I'm describing which are really in the context of infant caregiver relationships playing out in a classic anxious avoidant dance with someone who might be less consistent, less available, less reliable to the anxious partner. So while that is, again, triggering and carries a lot of residue from that person's origin story, it's also very familiar because our origin stories are our blueprint for what it means to love and be loved. And so we go, oh, okay, this might hurt, but it's what I know. And more than that, it's not just a familiar pain, but all of the things that we've learned to do in response to that kind of pattern. So all of my tools, all of my strategies work really well in that environment because that's what they developed in response to. You could use the analogy of if I grew up in a particular climate and I developed a lot of savvy and know how about how to get by in a harsh environment, if you suddenly put me in a totally different environment, even if it were a less challenging environment, objectively speaking, I might not be very well adapted to that environment.
[00:12:23]:
I'm adapted to the one that I have spent most of my life in, and similarly in relationships, we can see, okay, if I have grown up in a system where I had to work really hard to get love, or I'm used to trying to perform, to get attention, or I'm used to trying to be low maintenance and having no needs. That's all in my toolkit, right? Those are all protective strategies that I've become very sharpened at. And so in a weird sort of way, I feel safer when I have those tools at my disposal and when those tools feel well suited to the dynamics that I then find myself in. So we can see that play out. And on the other side of the coin, it's the same story. So that is the core belief, family of origin explanation for why anxious and avoided people are drawn to each other on the other side. And these are not alternative explanations. I think they're more complementary.
[00:13:16]:
On the other side, I want to speak to how these dynamics tend to present in early dating, which is obviously the context in which we are initially attracted to, drawn to one another. So in early dating, what you'll often see is that someone who's more avoidant tends to be pursuing someone who's more anxious. I think this is a really common misconception that I've spoken to before on the podcast when people have asked that question of how can I spot someone who's avoidant in early dating. The thing is that most avoidant people are not going to be avoidant from day one. They're not going to be pulling away at the very start. That tends to be a stress response that happens later when there's stress, but at the beginning there tends not to be a lot of stress in the connection, because it's exciting, it's thrilling, it's new, it's fresh, and both people tend to come to that with really, really idealistic views of what it's going to be like, of how easy it's going to be, of like, oh, wow, this person's amazing. We all have that thing of seeing someone through rose coloured glasses at the very beginning, through this fog haze of infatuation and chemistry and all of that. And I don't think that's a problem we need to solve.
[00:14:28]:
I think it just is what it is, and it's something we need to be aware of and maybe not trust our own judgement so blindly in that phase when we know we're very much under the influence. So what you'll see in that early phase is an avoidant person tends to be an active pursuer of someone. And for someone who's more anxious, being pursued feels amazing, right? Particularly being pursued by someone who seems quite different to you, who might be quite seemingly confident and direct and sure of themselves and staBle, and very different to most anxious people who might feel a little bit more insecure, a little bit more shy or hesitant or less assertive. And so to have this person who has all of those traits and qualities that you really perceive a lack of in yourself and you admire in others, to have them pursue you quite enthusiastically, can feel amazing. Because, of course we're like, wow, someone like that wants someone like me, that makes me feel special and wanted, and that kind of lights you up. Particularly if you're someone who struggles with self worth, with feeling good enough, then having that level of attention is going to feel like, really, really good. Now, for the more avoidant person they are often attracted to in that early stage, the anxious person's emotionality, right? Even though that might be something that they later come to resist or resent or be frustrated by, that's something that they perceive a lack of in themselves, that they struggle to access within themselves that sense of expressiveness, of empathy, of emotionality. And so they might be really drawn to that in someone who's more anxious, having that depth, having that access to their inner world, is something that can feel really alluring to someone with more avoidant patterns, who is not accustomed to accessing that within themselves.
[00:16:20]:
And so that can be a real draw card for them, often subconsciously, of course. So that can pull you together at the start. The ways in which you are kind of opposites, so to speak, can be really, really attractive. But then what we often see is, and this is true whether you're in anxious avoidant dynamic or not, is that the very things that we were drawn to become, the very things that we criticise or find frustrating. So what the anxious person initially perceived as stability and directness and confidence, might then subsequently be perceived as coldness, aloofness, arrogance in their partner, and might be something that they start attacking or criticising. And likewise, the avoidant person might initially be drawn to that emotionality and then quickly recast that as neediness or being demanding or being unstable or too much. So we can see how those things that we are initially drawn to, that we lack within ourselves or that we have shut off within ourselves or kind of suppressed, that we can feel really a sense of admiration of or allure around in someone else. We then subsequently, when the sheen wears off, we are met with the rude awakening that this person is just different to us.
[00:17:45]:
And we can find ourselves being very critical of those same traits that we once were drawn to. So that's kind of the other key explanation, is that we are drawn to that which we have suppressed or which is underdeveloped within us, because we find that so alluring. And that makes sense as well, even from, like, an evolutionary point of view, that we would be drawn to someone with complementary traits or strengths or skills to us, rather than someone who's exactly the same as us. Because that sort of diversity of strengths is adaptive, of course. So what do we do with all of that? I think that it's really important, as I said at the start, to not freak out about this. What I often see is that people respond to insights like this by becoming overly vigilant and interrogating themselves and second guessing, third guessing, fourth guessing their own judgement, going, oh, no, is this just my subconscious? Because I think this, but I'm not sure about this. And that self trust piece, that can be a challenge for a lot of people with insecure patterns can get in the way there and we can become almost suspicious of our own feelings. And that's really not what I'm trying to contribute to in any way with sharing this, but rather just giving you some awareness of what it is within you that is drawn to certain things and what need that might be trying to meet or what painful story might be kept intact by certain choices, decisions, patterns that you continue to engage in.
[00:19:21]:
And I think that the more we can shine a light on those parts of us, those shadowy parts or those wounded parts, then the more we can tend to those aspects of ourselves and ultimately work to heal them or care for them so that we can start to trust in our decision making. So that we can have greater consciousness around who we choose to be in relationship with and where that choice is coming from. Because I think ultimately that's what we want to be shooting for. So I hope that this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you and all of your ongoing support. And as I said, if you're interested in joining healing anxious attachment when doors open in a couple of weeks time, just jump on the waitlist in the show notes and you will be notified via email when it's time. Thank you all so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:20:13]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Q&A (feat. my partner Joel)
In today's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're answering your questions about how we've navigated aspects of the anxious-avoidant dynamic in our relationship.
In today's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're answering your questions about how we've navigated aspects of the anxious-avoidant dynamic in our relationship.
We'll cover:
Doing "the work" individually and as a couple
How we've built trust and safety over time
How we manage conflict and have hard conversations
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for my new couples course, Secure Together
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel, and we are answering your questions about our relationship. We actually did one of these episodes a little over a year ago, and it's funny to reflect back on that. It's probably not discernible from your perspective as a listener, but certainly for me, and I assume for you as well, Joel. It feels like a long time ago.
[00:00:56]:
And when I think back to our relationship then and our relationship now and everything that we've been through, it feels like it's high time that we do a refresher on this episode and answering questions about how we navigate things, how we have navigated things, our approach to relationships. And hopefully that will give you a bit of insight and maybe some cause for optimism. If you are in an anxious, avoidant kind of dynamic yourself and you're feeling really stuck and overwhelmed and exasperated, as can often be the case, knowing that there are ways to do this that don't have to feel so kind of frustrating and like a dead end or feeling like you're really powerless against this dynamic, that can get quite overwhelming. So this episode is not to put ourselves on a pedestal or to suggest that our relationship is perfect. It absolutely is not. We go through all of the regular, boring, mundane couple stuff that most everyone else does, but really just to, as I said, give some insight and vulnerability into the ways we have waded through the mess of all of that and found our way to a foundation that's pretty solid. And when we do fight, as we do, when we do have challenging things arise individually or relationally, we have found a way to navigate that stuff with kind of a bedrock of love and respect and care. And I really think that makes a world of difference.
[00:02:29]:
So we're going to be answering some questions today that were submitted on Instagram covering how we approach the work, quote-unquote, in our relationship, how we've created safety, how we navigate things like differing needs, and lots of stuff in that category. So hopefully it will be helpful for many of you. Before we dive into all of that, I just wanted to remind you that the new course that we are creating, Secure Together, is coming out in a couple of weeks time, which is very exciting. There are already about 250 of you on the Waitlist, which is just awesome. And if you would like to join the Waitlist for that, the link is in the show notes or via my website. You should be able to find that quite easily. Secure Together is going to be a course primarily designed for couples, but also one that you could certainly do individually while in a relationship and is really designed to be a deep dive on all of this stuff. On navigating these anxious avoidant dynamics and really understanding how we can shift those patterns in a meaningful way, how we can create safety and how we can really start to do things differently.
[00:03:41]:
And obviously, the really interesting and novel thing about this course, compared to any of my others that you might have done, is that Joel is going to be joining me and providing the more avoidant perspective, which I think is far more powerful and interesting than just having me speak to a perspective that I don't know firsthand. I only know as an observer. And so my hope in having Joel along for parts of that course, to speak firsthand to that perspective, is that it will not only provide a much richer insight into what that can look and feel like, but if you are going through the course as someone who is more avoidant or if you're listening to this and you're more anxious and you're going through that with your partner, that that'll feel really hopefully disarming. And it won't feel like an avoidant person being lectured to by an anxious person, which I think can be part of the dynamics that can exist in this space a lot. So I'm very excited about that course, as I said, launching in a couple of weeks time. And if you would like to join the waitlist, do jump on that list in the show note and that will get you first access and exclusive discounts. Okay, with that out of the way, we're going to jump into these questions now. So the first few questions are around the work in relationships.
[00:04:56]:
We got quite a few of these. We've clumped them together. But the first question is, did Joel do the work too, or just you, as in me? If he did, what led him to it? And what has Joel been doing as someone who leans more avoidant to be where he is now? Okay, I think I can take this one. Did Joel do the work? Yes, I have done the work, and I'll kind of describe what I thought the work was previous to this relationship. I have definitely probably been involved and interested in personal development since my early twenty s, and a lot of it has been very self serving. I think that I never really considered the relationship as its own work, so I was definitely doing the work, but I wasn't doing the work of or inside a relationship when Steph and I got together. Even beforehand, we had talked a lot about certain philosophies and our ideas of our own development, but it probably wasn't until I was in a very serious and loving relationship that I was like, oh, okay, I need to tend to this garden as its own thing. No matter how much personal self development work that I do, it's not going to contribute to anything unless I take it holistically as a part of this relationship.
[00:06:31]:
And I think it's so important when we're talking about this to say, like, it's not a past tense thing if I have done the work and now I have arrived at a place where I no longer have to do the work and everything's, happy days, right? I think that makes it sound too neat. And really, it's an ongoing, everyday, moment to moment conversation to conversation practise, of slowing down, of checking yourself, of going, okay, what stories am I making up about who my partner is or what their agenda is in this? Moment or the ways in which they might be trying to undermine me or hurt me or all of those things that we know in the vast majority of cases are coming from a wounded place. And it is it's so ongoing. It's tending to the garden every day. It's not just, oh, I do this for a period of three months and now I'm healed. That is sadly just it's so much messier and more ongoing than that. And I think the other thing I would say is when we speak about it in retrospect, that probably makes it sound quite like there weren't that many bumps in the road. The start of our relationship was pretty bumpy.
[00:07:39]:
Oh, yeah. It's not like we were having horrible fights all the time, but I would say there was a fair amount of insecurity there on both sides, because I think we had we'd been friends before we started dating, and then when we crossed that line into being together romantically, I think we had really idealistic conceptions of how seamless that transition would be and what it would be like, and oh, we're going to be in this amazing, perfect relationship because we have the same values around these things and we want similar things from a relationship. And I think when we found ourselves in it, all of the stuff comes on. The wheels can come off pretty quickly. Yeah, I think we're both we have very strong values and we can be a bit have our ideals of what a relationship can and should be. And I'd say the first few months, because we went from a friendship into quite an intense romantic relationship, we moved in together very, very quickly. So it was like we were right into the pressure cooker. Yeah.
[00:08:54]:
We did everything they say you should not recommend. We tested ourselves and the wheels had come off a couple of times, but I think it was also like testing our standards, testing our values. It's like you say these things are important to you, then we're going to test you out how important they are. I mean, in saying that, yeah, we don't want to gloss over, we don't want to retrospectively seem like it was easy sailing, because it wasn't. We learned more and more over time that we could come back to connection and we could find it in ourselves to just come back to the love and create, over time, a safe and secure relationship in which I could start letting down defences. And I'm still working through that. I'm not speaking as a person, a healed person, because it's ongoing work for me. Yeah.
[00:09:56]:
And I think for you, more so than me, this was certainly your most serious relationship that you'd been in. Correct? And so it was big and it activated all of the things you would expect it to activate in someone with more avoidant patterns, let's put it that way. And so you definitely had the impulse to just kind of shut down and withdraw and run and all of those things that we know are kind of go to coping strategies for people with more avoidant patterns. It's like, oh, this is too much. What have I gotten myself into? Get me out of here. And that evoked all of the responses that you would expect it to evoke in someone such as myself, who has more anxious patterns of like, oh no, what's happened? What's changed? And how do I fix it? How do I kind of take responsibility and find a way to solve this? So I do just want to emphasise that we've been through all of that and it was only from both of us being committed enough to stay in it in those more challenging seasons and, as you say, keep coming back to our love for each other, which sometimes was easier than others. But that was, I think, really what got us through those earlier periods and some challenging periods since. The other thing that I'll say about, two things that I'll say about the work in terms of the actual how or what does that looks like for us, we have mostly solo or like DIY the work.
[00:11:30]:
We haven't worked with a couple's coach or counsellor or anything, although I think that would still definitely be something that would be useful to us and we may well explore in our commitment to going deeper and continuing to nurture the relationship. But something that we have found helpful along the way is having structures around the work. So we have I've spoken about this before on the podcast, but we have a regular cheque in most of the time it's weekly. We've been a little slack recently, but a weekly cheque in where we sit down and we just talk about how we're feeling, anything that is on our mind around the relationship, having that kind of structure has been helpful. We also like to listen to books about relationships or podcasts together and I found that to be really helpful, I think, because due to the nature of my work, it's not always well received when the insight, so to speak, is coming from me. I think that has been challenging for you at times to feel like I am teaching you or lecturing you about a relationship dynamics because it's just too close. So I think sometimes having and I think this is good advice for most people I know a lot of you listen to this podcast with your partner. For that reason, having it come from someone else can take the sting out a little and can create one step remove from any dynamics of one person kind of lecturing the other.
[00:12:55]:
And I think that's certainly been helpful in our relationship. Whether it's like doing an online course together and working through that or having some kind of third party, symbolic or real, to be the voice of some of this work can certainly been helpful. The last question on the work is do you think without Joel's willingness, your own inner work would have been enough? Frankly, no. And maybe more than the fact that it wouldn't have been enough. That just would have been for me like a real point of misalignment from a values point of view, having a partner who is committed to doing the work and that doesn't have to look exactly the same as me, but who has a level of openness to examine these things, to talk about them, to really be proactive, about nurturing the relationship. That's kind of a non negotiable for me. So it's not even so much like could I have done it by just like white knuckling it solo? I wouldn't have wanted to. And so it's just not really something that I would have sought to do alone.
[00:14:02]:
And that's just for me, that I know that having a partner who I can do that with is a non negotiable for me. Okay, the next question what helped Joel to feel safe, to open up and let me in? I'd love to say it was clean and easy and it happened within a couple of months of being in a relationship, but I think it's still something that we work on. And I think more than anything, as an avoidant, there has to be a responsibility taken from our side for our reactivity. And we find it really hard to respond when we're in a heightened state. Whether our nervous system is in a heightened state and we want to flee, it's our responsibility to also regulate ourselves to come back to connection. What Steph has done has really met me with a lot of patience and that's not know that she's just kind of taken all my nonsense. But I think more than anything, just giving me indications that no matter the reasons why I choose to be avoidant and the things that I'm trying to hide, which is I feel the non desirable parts of myself over time, you've allowed me to really express them and explore them. And you've expressed that it's okay, everything is okay.
[00:15:36]:
I know as avoidance, we have a lot of fear around failure and be seen as a failure. And we often the shame runs pretty deep. The shame runs pretty deep. Yeah. And allowing a space in which that shame can at least have some light shed on it and just expressed openly and honestly that it may not be as bad as you've made it out to be. Yeah. I think that a lot of us, whether avoidant or not, can have things about us that we are so convinced no one could ever see that and still love us. Right.
[00:16:15]:
It's no way. And for people with more avoidant patterns, it's like and so I bury that and I do not let anyone see it. And that's not something you can force open. Right. And you wouldn't want to, because that protective shields in place for a reason. And so it really does happen organically. It's kind of like peeling layers of an onion and certain topics that are more sensitive. Things like sex and money and all of those hot button issues that can carry a lot of shame.
[00:16:44]:
Those are things that we've really like. They've been layers we've gotten to incrementally. That was not stuff that straight out the gate. We were talking about comfortably and easefully. You really had a lot of struggle initially opening up, particularly about some of those more sensitive things. Yeah, we lock it down. I've done ifs therapy in the past and I guess I'd use that framework. We're using parts to control other parts, so we sometimes ourselves don't even realise the depth of how solid a defence is.
[00:17:20]:
So this is not going to be solved overnight. I wouldn't advise people to try pride open in their partner. I think it requires it requires a lot of love, requires a lot of safety, trust and but I think, you know, that might feel like a big abstract answer that's like, okay, well, what do I do today? And I think it's I don't know. You can probably speak to this more personally than I can Jolie, but I think you've trusted me with those parts of you because I didn't force you to. And I kind of was firm enough to say, it's important to me that we can talk about these things without looming over you and saying, like, tell me what you're feeling right now. Yeah, correct. I have never felt forced or when it has been. It's just my kind of like, natural defence to feel like I'm being controlled.
[00:18:15]:
But if I really did have a sense of someone is trying to pry me open, there'd be two results. I'd either lie, I'd be dishonest, not dishonest in a way that I would intentionally lie in that moment, but I'd say whatever need to be said in the past to get out of that conversation if I'm feeling forced. Otherwise, I just feel like running. But, yes, it's a willingness to allow me autonomy to open up has been very important yeah. And I think on your side, enough commitment to the relationship to kind of know that you are going to have to face the discomfort of that sooner or later. Yes. Whereas I think in a less serious relationship, you or another person with avoidant patents might just go not worth the risk. Not worth the risk.
[00:19:04]:
Not worth the risk of opening no ROI. Yeah. When it's just like, the stakes are so high for your own sense of self and safety that I think there does have to be a real level of investment. And that's probably just true, because that's maybe what tips the scales in favour of willing to face that discomfort for the sake of the relationship. I had to have something to gain and to lose. Okay, next question. Were there times in your relationship that you felt you were incompatible? Yes. Joel answers this much more quickly and directly than I would, but go on.
[00:19:41]:
You speak first. It's hard to answer this question without being honest about probably the frame of mind that I was in during those times. I was looking for problems, I was looking for incompatibilities. And I think that comes from relationship anxiety rather than a rational kind of response to the situation at hand. But, yeah, I think I've done this so many times in my past where I would often look for incompatibilities and would have a negative bias. But also I just came back to reality for myself. I was like, don't be an idiot, just have a look at how much shared value that you have. Shared values.
[00:20:26]:
Sorry. So, yeah, there was definitely times where I thought we were incompatible, but honestly, I think it was coming out of my own fears rather than, yeah, I think that I would agree with that. And that's probably why I wouldn't answer the question in the same way, just because I think that coming from a different angle is, like, people with more avoidant patterns, people who struggle with relationship anxiety as distinct from anxious attachment, is like, you can absolutely look for imperfections and incompatibilities as an exit. And when things feel tough or overwhelming or maybe you're kind of on the brink of a new level of depth in the relationship or a new level of commitment, all of the anxieties can come up and be like, oh, wait, is this a good idea? And all of those parts of you that are like, oh, risky, are you sure you want to share this part of yourself? Are you sure you want to commit to this? And so looking for incompatibilities, looking for reasons why it's not, I think it can also tie in with not wanting to feel like a failure. So if things feel hard, then calling it an incompatibility and just being like, I was powerless, we were incompatible, nothing I could have done. And that kind of absolves us of feeling like a failure, because it's like, out of our hands. Right. It's bigger than us.
[00:21:44]:
And so I think all of that really makes sense in the context of someone with more avoidant patterns to lean on incompatibility as the reason, rather than, oh, I need to maybe show up more in a more committed way or really get honest with myself or look in the mirror, those sorts of things. It can feel really challenging and intimidating. So yeah, I think that that makes sense. I think for me, incompatibility less so I think that I certainly felt there were times where it was challenging and I didn't know if we were going to find our way through it, but less from an incompatibility point of view and more just are we going to be able to make this work? Yes. Just going back to those who have more avoidant patterns, we do tend to look for the perfect solution and that is like the perfect relationships and the perfect decision in work. We fear a future that we are out of control because we didn't make the right decision. And so that's where a lot of the incompatible fears come up. Sense of I'm going to make the wrong decision and then I'm going to be trapped and I'm going to fail and I'm trapped in a room, I'm powerless, and all of those things right.
[00:22:57]:
Which feel like these really big fears that are very real. Okay, we're going to talk about needs now. So how do we navigate different needs for explicit affection? How do we navigate different needs for explicit I don't know that we navigate it all that well. Right. We have different needs for affection. I definitely have more much higher baseline need for affection and just I am more affectionate, probably much more comfortably and naturally than you are. Yes. I think that you've definitely gotten more comfortable with that.
[00:23:31]:
Yes. But even still, we're definitely not at the same baseline. No, we're not at the same baseline. Which also doesn't mean it has to be again, going back to incompatibility, it doesn't have to be a red flag. It's, oh, no, we're not the same level of intimacy or same needs for affection. I have tried to uncover this a lot in my own work, like where this comes from, and I've kind of got to the point where I'm like, okay, I can't really work it out, I can't find an origin story for it, but I have to meet you somewhere. And I feel like I'm learning. I might be a slow mule, but I am definitely getting better with accepting affection.
[00:24:23]:
Yeah. And giving affection as well. I think that, again, it's finding that middle ground between forcing it, which we don't want to do, because forcing someone to do something that's uncomfortable and particularly something physical can just feel so overwhelming and will often, almost always probably evoke quite an automatic defensive protective response while also not swinging to the extreme of okay, well, I'll just pretend I have no need. So it's like, how can I advocate for myself without making you wrong? And that goes for most everything that we could talk about in relationships. How can we create space for both of us to thrive here and to be recognised and without either of us being wrong or needing to even have a concept of right or wrong or who's winning, who's losing? So I think for me, in obviously articulating to you that that's important to me and that I value that without getting angry at you for not doing that in the way that I would. And just, again, kind of trusting that over time we move in the right direction. And I think also expressing gratitude or appreciation when someone does get it right, rather than just always pointing out where they don't. Because, again, going back to that sensitivity around failure and blame and defensiveness, if you're just always telling someone that they're not doing something enough or in the right way, it's not very motivating for the vast majority.
[00:25:49]:
Yeah, I'll say on that as well. I think what has really helped is having a sense of play to affection that actually segues nicely. I don't know if you meant to do that into the next question, which we might make the final question, because this is getting lengthy. How do you have the improving our relationship conversations without it feeling like a chore to the avoidant partner? I think that, again, this is not something we've done perfectly. There have definitely been periods where you absolutely felt like it was a chore. I mean, you felt a lot of resistance to those conversations. I'm reflecting on periods of our relationship where things felt pretty hard and we were having a lot of those conversations several times a week and they'd stretch out and I'd be upset or whatever. And I think you definitely felt like you were being kind of called into the principal's office every time I wanted to have a conversation, which is it's not too dissimilar to my experience as a kid.
[00:26:48]:
I'm like, oh, I'm in trouble again, I'm being called up for being disruptive, I'm not doing things right, I'm a failure. Yeah. And I think, again, it's a hard one because it's how do we find space for both? Because we don't want to go, well, we just won't have the conversations because they're hard for you. Because not having the conversations would have been really hard for me at that time. So I think, as I mentioned before, we do more structured cheque ins, I think that can be really helpful just to normalise talking about the relationship without waiting until things get really bad. Because I think if you don't talk about things in a proactive kind of maintenance way, and you only talk about things when it is really tense or fraught or there's been some sort of big rupture, then those conversations are always going to be heavy and bogged down with probably ten other issues that you haven't been addressing. And so there's just going to be a real imprint of negativity around the conversations that will almost certainly feel like a chore to the avoidant partner, particularly if the anxious partner has been burying a lot of stuff. So the avoidant partner might be chugging along, thinking everything's mostly fine because nothing's being talked about, nothing's being raised, and then one thing happens, there's a conversation, and then there's ten other issues that are thrown at them.
[00:28:02]:
And it feels like this kind of torrent of all of the things that you've been doing wrong that I haven't been raising. And that's going to feel pretty overwhelming and threatening to someone with more avoidant patterns, as it would if it were coming the other way. I think that's not a nice experience for anyone. So I think shifting into a can we just cheque in with each other regularly and kind of clean up the space between us and make sure everything's kind of looking and feeling good for us both and having a kind of maintenance mindset rather than an emergency response. One allows the relationship to feel kind of more balanced and steady, rather than feeling like you're having these big spikes in stress and those conversations that can just feel so ineffective and really drag on. And just a lot of the time I think be like a bit of an emotional vent for the anxious partner who's been holding a lot of stuff in. Yeah. I think generally, anywhere in life, you're doing maintenance, cheque ins, whether it's your community sports, whether it's at work.
[00:29:11]:
So it's not really that abstract to think about. Hey, maybe we should sit down on a Saturday morning and have a cheque in. If you need to add a Little some pastries in there so You Feel Like it's reward, you don't have to make It oh so serious. But it does get serious if you don't do it and everything is an emergency meeting because that is just a massive spike. And if you're only having those types of conversations, I can probably guarantee that they're not that constructive. You're not thinking your best when you're that heightened. So to kind of avoid that, I do think often mixing in a bit of a fun play, coming to the table often to do cheque ins. Yeah, having some sort of, as you say, like a ritual around it that isn't heavy and serious, like, oh, we go for a walk on a Sunday morning and we have a chat.
[00:30:05]:
It could be we have pastor on a Monday night and we have a chat about our relationship, whatever, but it just doesn't have to be like, can you please come into the living room? I need to talk to you about something very serious because that feels ominous, right? It feels heavy from the outset and it's probably going to become a. Self fulfilling prophecy because both of your energies are going to be in that defensive. Yeah, totally. Like, guards up. Oh, no. I'm in trouble, as you say, john, you're going to come to it? Oh, no, she said my middle name. I'm in big trouble. So, yeah, I think that the more often you have them, the more kind of structured it is, the less you'll need to get really serious all the time and probably then the more open you are to hearing about things, getting feedback.
[00:30:48]:
I've said a few times on the podcast that for us, now and again, it's not perfect, but for the most part, if something's bothering you that I've been doing, or something's bothering me that you've been doing, we kind of want to know about it. That just feels like an important part of the emotional hygiene of our relationship, that I think we're on the same page around that. That it's not in the interests of either of us individually or our relationship for us to be harbouring stuff. So I think creating that kind of culture where we do talk about things proactively, not as an attack, but just because it's part of our mutual commitment to what we're building here yes. We don't find things that linger that constructive. Yeah. You can feel the difference, right. When there's a lot of unsaid stuff, I think it's very disconnective.
[00:31:39]:
Very quickly, you can feel the difference. Okay, I think we're going to leave it there. There were so many more questions, so maybe we'll do a part two of this at some point, but we'll leave it there so we don't drag on too long. Thank you so much for joining us. I hope that this has been really helpful. And as I said, if you want to go deeper on all of this stuff, definitely cheque out the new course, secure together, it'll be all of this stuff and a lot more. And in a way, that's both a mix of teaching and exercises for you to do with your partner. And as I said, for us, doing courses and stuff together has been really, really helpful in just creating that little bit of distance, that little bit of impartiality, not having it all come from one person to the other, because that can create some funky dynamics that don't always land well.
[00:32:29]:
So it might be a really nice thing for you to explore with your partner if you're listening to this and feeling seen and that you maybe struggle with some of the things that we have struggled with and that you'd like to find your way to a place of a bit more security and safety and trust in one another. Thank you so much for joining us and I hope to see you again next time. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How to Navigate Different Love Languages
Understanding the 5 love languages can help couples understand the secret language in their relationship dynamics. In this episode, I’ll share how they play out with anxious and avoidant people and offer unique insights and practical tools on how you can share your love language with your partner so they can understand how to love you the way you want to be loved.
Understanding the 5 love languages can help couples understand the secret language in their relationship dynamics. In this episode, I’ll share how they play out with anxious and avoidant people and offer unique insights and practical tools on how you can share your love language with your partner so they can understand how to love you the way you want to be loved.
We’ll cover:
The 5 different love languages
The benefits of knowing your love language, and your partners
How love languages play out in anxiously attached people
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Find me on my new Youtube channel
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Onattachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about Love languages so what they are, how they interface with attachment patterns to the extent that there are any themes there. And what you can do if you and your partner have different Love languages so that you can both feel like you're giving and receiving love in the way that feels good for you, which is really at the crux of the whole idea of Love languages. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm hoping that it will be both fun and useful.
[00:00:55]:
Before we dive into that, I just wanted to share, you might have heard me share that I have started a YouTube channel and I am uploading lots of videos. There are already a bunch on there and I'm uploading new videos almost every day. So if you are someone who likes YouTube, I have to confess, I'm not a huge user of YouTube myself, but I know a lot of people are. So if you're someone who likes video content and you'd like to either watch while you listen to the podcast or look at other exclusive clips from me, on Attachment, love Relationships, all of that good stuff, come find me on YouTube @stephanierigg should be relatively easy to find me and I would love your support there. If you wanted to like and subscribe comment on my videos, that would be a huge help. So let's dive into this conversation around the Love Languages. Now the Five Love Languages, if you're unfamiliar, uninitiated was a book written by a guy called Gary Chapman in the early 90s. So it's been around a really long time.
[00:01:52]:
But the essence of the Love Languages is that we all give and receive love differently. So something that, for me, feels really important in order to feel like I am being loved and cared for and cherished and all of those things might be totally different for you and that might not be significant for you or important to you or something that you particularly value or require in order to feel loved in a relationship. And so he came up with these five Love Languages which are essentially five different broad categories of how people tend to give and receive love. And it's not to say that you are only one of these things, it's not to become overly attached to the label, as with anything, it's a useful tool, but it's not something to get dogmatic about. But the premise of the Five Love Languages is that most of us will have one or two dominant Love Languages, which are the ways that we by default give love and prefer to receive love. And so the idea being that in cultivating a greater understanding around what our preferences are, our love languages and those of the people that we're in relationship with, we can make sure that we're not missing each other. Because so much of the time I could be giving someone love in a way that works for me, but it's not how it works for them or it's just not something that they register as love. And so it might just not be received as an act of love.
[00:03:16]:
And so I can feel then as the giver like the person's not receiving it in the way that I intended when really I'm giving it in the way that I would like to receive it. So that's all a lot of words and I'm going to now dive into what these five love languages are to give a little bit more context for those who might not be familiar. So there's physical touch which is pretty straightforward. People who really value physical touch, affection, kissing, hugging, holding hands, cuddling, intimacy, all of those things that really it's hard to feel loved without having that physical closeness and really really value and rely upon physical closeness and intimacy in order to feel loved and connected to someone. Gift giving is another one. So people who really appreciate to receive gifts and who love to give really thoughtful gifts. I wish I was better at gift giving, it's just so not my love language. As much as I appreciate when someone gives me a nice gift, it's just not part of my programming.
[00:04:16]:
But I have so much admiration for people who are really excellent gift givers and come up with these really creative thoughtful gifts that are just like wow. And so it can be really beautiful. But that's a good example for me. I never really value gift giving that much so I never think to put in heaps of effort to gift giving. The next one is what? Acts of service. So how can I go out of my way to do things for you as an act of love? I always think of this as like a dad love language. I think a lot of dads are acts of service people. So can I go out of my way? Can I lighten the load for you? Can I do chores on your behalf if I see that you're stressed or can I pick something up from the shop for you or drive you to the airport or whatever I can do to make your life easier by way of an act of service of some description.
[00:05:07]:
So that's one of the love languages is acts of service words of affirmation. So really loving affirming words, giving people compliments, telling them how much you admire them, telling them that you appreciate them, that you value them being really verbally affirming and loving and really overt in those expressions of love and affection and admiration for someone. And last but not least, quality time. So if quality time is my love language, I might really value not just spending time with you, but doing really exciting things together. So playing a game or going on a hike or doing things that feel connective as joint experiences rather than just it's not quantity time is probably a good way of putting it. So people who value that, who have this quality time, love language, might like to go on an adventure with their partner, do something exciting, do a class together, have new experiences, but they get a lot out of connecting through doing together. So those are the five love languages physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving and quality time. So, as I said, the whole premise of these love languages is that most of the time in relationship you're not going to have the same love languages as your partner.
[00:06:24]:
And what that means is that we are on different wavelengths, speaking different languages, right? It's as if we were speaking different languages in terms of how we are giving and receiving love. And so the idea being that if we can have greater clarity around not only what our love language is, but what our partners is, then we can get better at giving them love in their love language and receiving love from them in their love languages. Whereas without that knowledge we might be just giving them love in our love language in a way that doesn't really land for them as particularly significant or loving. And we're missing all the ways in which they give us love in their love languages because we're expecting to receive it in ours. So taking this out of the abstract, because again, I realise that all sounds a bit semantic and wordy, I won't even give hypotheticals, I'll use myself and my partner as an example. I always think it's kind of funny, anxious attachment. I kind of think that every love language is an anxious attachment love language because there's kind of no ceiling or upper limit in terms of how much love anxiously attached people want and the ways in which they are open to receiving it. But I tend to find that in terms of how anxiously attached people like to receive love, I think that physical touch, words of affirmation and maybe acts of service to a lesser degree can be really dominant for people with anxious attachment patterns.
[00:07:50]:
And certainly myself included quality time as well, now that I say it really ticking all the boxes, but for me those things are really, really important. Whereas my partner, he's probably more quality time and definitely doesn't naturally or by default he doesn't value physical touch or words of affirmation anywhere near as much as I do. And so without having that recognition and that knowledge, it would be really easy for me to internalise that as he doesn't love me or care about me, right? That's an easy story to tell. It's like, oh, you never even reach out to give me a massage when we're watching TV or something. It's like, I would always do that for you. It's like, yeah, well, we're not coming from the same starting point and that's a really important thing to recognise. And on the flip side, for me, quality time, I don't really care that much what we're doing. I'm happy to hang out at home together, I'm happy to go on a bushwalk, I'm happy to go out to a restaurant.
[00:08:48]:
I don't really mind what the substance of the activity is, but for my partner, it's really important to have some sort of sense of novelty or excitement or like we're doing something that is a little bit more than just hanging out at home. For me, I'm kind of happy with the comfy cosy do nothing, because the quality time is not such a big one for me. So recognising that and going as always, it's not just like, okay, who wins? Whose way is the right way? Does one of us just have to yield to the other or one of us just has to accommodate the other? No, of course not. The idea is that we both develop the knowledge and understanding to accommodate each other while also making space for our way. So if you have different love languages to your partner, which you probably will, the challenge is, can I go out of my way to give them love in the way that feels good for them and can they do the same for me so that we're both getting love in the way that we want it? And can I start looking at their acts and behaviours as potentially loving in ways that I might have missed otherwise? For example, if my partner suggests an activity like, oh, do you want to go play tennis with me? That might be an act of love from him, because that's a quality time experience. Whereas for me, I'm just like, yeah, okay, but that doesn't score higher points for me by default than just being at home together. But it's like, can I bring more awareness to the ways in which you are offering these bids for connection, in the way that to use the Gottman language, because that allows us to receive more love, right? That's what this ultimately boils down to, is, can we give and receive more love in all directions? So I promised that I'd also speak a little to the attachment dynamics here and I kind of have already alluded to it by using myself and my partner as an example, that for people with more anxious attachment patterns, more overt and direct expressions of love tend to be favoured. So physical touch and words of affirmation giving, that really direct reassurance of, like, I love you and you're beautiful and you're amazing.
[00:10:52]:
And all of that is going to really support the anxious person, to feel reassured and really valued as a partner, make them feel special, make them feel really you're my person, all of that kind of thing. It's going to be like warm honey for the anxiously attached person who in the absence of that, it doesn't take much to go quickly into insecurity and worrying, I'm not good enough, I'm this, I'm that. All of that unworthiness stuff can bubble up to the surface pretty quickly in the absence of those displays of love and affection. So if you're in relationship with someone who has more anxious attachment patterns, you would do well to really dial up the words of affirmation, the physical touch, even the access like any of them, right? Gift giving. I'm sure if you went out of your way to give a really thoughtful gift to your partner, they'd really appreciate it. But particularly words of affirmation and physical touch are really, really big for anxiously attached people. So going out of your way to really deliberately dial up the intensity on those love languages will usually do a lot. It's not just like a nice thing to do, although it absolutely is a nice thing to do, but it will actually lessen the anxiety quite a lot.
[00:12:05]:
So it's in your interest as well because your partner is likely to really settle into the security of that and feel really loved and that is obviously an everybody wins situation. More avoidant folk, as we know, tend to be less focused on overt displays of emotion, can feel a little vulnerable around that, so they tend to focus more on things like quality time, gift giving and acts of service. Those are more doing based rather than saying or overt connections. So it's almost like those activities like if we're doing something together or I'm going out of my way for you or I'm giving you a gift, it's like there's a buffer between us that allows me to feel a little less vulnerable in my display of love. Because to just lay it all out there might feel really intensely vulnerable for someone with more avoidant patterns who hasn't had experience with that level of vulnerability. So yeah, I think that people with more avoidant patterns do tend towards love languages that feel a little safer in that they're a little more indirect. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just recognising the difference and going, oh, okay.
[00:13:14]:
When they do those things, when they ask me if I need anything or if they offer to drive me here or they give me a gift or they want to do an activity together, that is a bid for connection. That is them trying to connect with me. That is them trying to show love. Even if I'm sitting there just feeling the lack of the other things, when really there is love coming my way, I'm just not aware of it. I think the other thing to say about love Languages is it's really good to be specific about just saying to someone, I really value gift giving is very broad and doesn't really help someone out all that much, so be specific in what the actual quality of the thing is that you desire. So I think gift giving is a good example because some people who like gift giving might want something really extravagant and expensive and luxurious, and other people want something handmade, thoughtful and really tailored uniquely to them that has all of this personal significance. Those are two very different categories of gift giving, and if you went for one and the person was expecting the other, again, it wouldn't land. So I think we do have to dig a little beneath the surface of these love languages and go, okay, words of Affirmation do I just want you to tell me that you love me or do I want you to give me compliments? Do I want compliments on my appearance or do I want compliments on my personality? All of these things, I get pretty granular in terms of helping your partner out on the things that you appreciate and the things that feel really good for you.
[00:14:39]:
So I think that that can help a lot. And I think that, as always, the more we can create open dialogues around these things and be really open minded and curious and let the ethos of this be how can I love my partner better? And how can I receive their love in a more open hearted way? That is really the gift or the opportunity that learning about love languages presents to us. And so if you take anything from this episode, I hope that it's. That opening my eyes to the ways in which my partner might be giving me love that I'm missing and thinking about some ways that I might be able to take steps towards them in a way that is going to really land for them and feel really deeply loving, even if it's not my default mode, even if it's not something that feels particularly significant for me. And just seeing what happens from that place, seeing what blossoms from that culture or environment of giving and receiving love really deliberately and intentionally that you can foster in your relationship. As always, I hope that this episode has been helpful and if you want to leave a review or a rating, I'd really appreciate it. And as I said, come find me on YouTube. I'm trying to build up more of an audience there and putting out lots of exclusive content as well as stuff from the podcast.
[00:15:53]:
So if you love the podcast, you'll love the YouTube channel. Come find me @stephanierigg. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
[00:16:21]:
Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Q&A: Mismatched Libido & Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Dynamics
Mismatched libido in a relationship is a challenge that a lot of couples face. In today’s episode, I’ll be answering a listener's question of how to navigate mismatched libido in a relationship, particularly in an anxious-avoidant dynamic. I’ll guide you on strategies to break the anxious-avoidant spiral, by initiating open dialogue and finding a middle ground between both partners.
Mismatched libido in a relationship is a challenge that a lot of couples face. In today’s episode, I’ll be answering a listener's question of how to navigate mismatched libido in a relationship, particularly in an anxious-avoidant dynamic. I’ll guide you on strategies to break the anxious-avoidant spiral, by initiating open dialogue and finding a middle ground between both partners.
We’ll cover:
It’s not going to be 100% aligned all the time
How sex shows up for anxious and avoidant attachment styles
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code PODCAST50 for 50% off the Sex and Attachment Masterclass
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode I am answering the listener’s question of how to navigate mismatched libido in a relationship and particularly in anxious, avoidant kind of dynamic. So this is something that I've touched on before on the show, but I haven't very recently and it is such a common experience and I think unfortunately one that doesn't get talked about anywhere near enough. And so, so many people end up feeling really lonely and isolated and convincing themselves that it's just them and everyone else is having really great sex and a really thriving sex life and they are alone in their struggle.
[00:01:04]:
I can tell you from the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories all the time that that is far from the truth and so many people are struggling with this. So with one partner wanting sex more than the other and all of the things that can flow from that the shame, the conflict, the sense of rejection and unworthiness and worrying about the relationship not really knowing how to connect internalising that taking it very personally. All of these things are so much more common than you would realise and I think, as I said, really important to talk about so that we can destigmatize that a little and hopefully empower ourselves to feel like we have more agency in how to talk about it and how to approach finding a solution. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And as I said, we'll be looking at it with a bit of an attachment overlay because often sex and attachment are spoken about in isolation. When really if attachment is looking at the way that we relate to and experience intimacy and what fears we might have around that, it makes sense that sex would bring those wounds to the forefront in very profound ways. And that has certainly been my observation and my personal experience as well. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:19]:
Before we dive into that, I did just want to flag that one of my Master classes on my website is called Sex and Attachment and it's over 2 hours. Just on this topic, I've created a discount code for you. If anyone listens to today's episode and feels like they could use a little bit more of a deep dive on this topic or you're just interested to learn more, you can use the code podcast 50 or One Word and we'll link all of that in the show notes to save 50% on that Masterclass. That's less than $50 that it'll come to for you. So yes, as I said, if you're interested in learning more about sex and attachment, which I think most all of us should be because it's such an important area of relationships, definitely go and cheque that one out. Okay, so let's talk about this mismatched libido and anxious avoidant sexual dynamics. Even as I say that it's such a big topic I don't even know where to begin. Maybe we can start by acknowledging that mismatched libido is incredibly common.
[00:03:15]:
If we think about libido as being this combination of our desire for sex, interacting with all of the reasons why we wouldn't want to have sex at any given moment, most often that's around stress. So our brain is going through this process of basically tallying up reasons for and against having sex. And some of us are really sensitive to the reasons against so that if there's any slight reason against having sex, we have no interest in sex, and we really don't want to go there, whereas some of us really are quite open to having sex most of the time, and we don't place a lot of weight on the reasons why we wouldn't want to have sex. And so when we've all got these complex equations going on with all of these different inputs and our levels of openness to sex at any given moment, is it any wonder that mismatched libido is so common? Of course it is. Right? It's so personal when and under what circumstances we feel like being intimate with a partner. And so when we've got two people with their own sets of equations and circumstances, it's rare that it's just going to organically line up all of the time. So mismatched libido is something that most people will encounter at some point in some season in one or more of the relationships in their life. So it's really not something to be ashamed of.
[00:04:34]:
It's just part of navigating relationships, is that you're likely to have to negotiate a little on this because it's unlikely you're going to just start and finish at the same point, pardon the pun, but you're not going to be 100% aligned on that all the time just because you're different people with different experiences. So recognising that libido is not something that's objective in terms of what is normal, right? And ask anyone, any experts in the field of sexuality, there's no objective metric for what a normal amount of sex is or what a healthy amount of sex is. A standard libido is wanting sex x amount of it's not like that. It's really what's normal for you and what allows you to feel like your sexual needs are being satisfied and is not causing you any distress. So if you're having sex three times a year, but that is perfectly fine for you, then that's your normal and that's fine. Whereas someone else might need to be having sex three times a week minimum to be feeling like their sexual needs are being met. And part of being in relationship with someone is negotiating your needs to the extent that there are divergences and finding ways to meet in the middle or find ways for both of you to get your needs met. To the extent that there are vast differences in your needs that feel like you can't bridge the gap, then maybe you're not compatible, right? But before we get to not compatible, let's look at some of the ways that this might show up in relationship and particularly why it might be present in anxious avoidant dynamics and why it might cause particular distress in those dynamics.
[00:06:08]:
So, for anxiously attached people, sex is often used as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. So if my partner wants sex and we're having sex and they seem to be sexually satisfied, then I feel safe and reassured and wanted and desired and all of those things. And that's like a big tick in terms of I can relax because there's nothing wrong, right? I use sex as the litmus test for whether the relationship is going well overall and because anxiously attached people tend to struggle with unworthiness and fears of being undesirable and also jealousy or fears about potential infidelity or just outside threats to the relationship, sex feels like a really important glue to hold things together. And so, to the extent that there's any change in the sexual dynamic or their partner pulls away sexually or loses interest sexually, even if just for a period of time, the anxiously attached person is likely to take that and spin it into a really catastrophic story. So the interpretation is likely to be very severe. There's something terribly wrong. They've lost interest in me, they don't find me attractive anymore, they're falling out of love with me, they're seeing someone else, there's someone else they're interested in and that's why they don't want me. All of these things are likely to go to existential threats to the relationship just because that's what we know anxious folks do.
[00:07:29]:
And so what often happens and why this can be such a predictable cycle is that at the start of a relationship between an anxious person and an avoidant person is there'll often be a lot of sexual chemistry and intensity as there tends to be in most relationships, certainly here. And then as the relationship progresses, becomes a little more serious and a little more stable and steady, the avoidant person will often start to pull away and they often won't really have a solid understanding of why that's happening for them. They might just have this inexplicable loss of desire or reduction in desire and attraction. And for the avoidant person they might start to make meaning out of that and go oh, maybe this means it's not the right relationship. What is often happening is that for avoidant folks, they don't really know how to desire someone that they love and someone that is a comfortable person who they have a level of intimacy and vulnerability with. For most avoidant folks, I think it would be fair to say that more casual sexual encounters are going to be more comfortable than more intimate ones. And that's kind of just the opposite for a lot of anxious people who go the more intimacy the better. But for avoidant folks, sex is vulnerable for all of us and it's really how we relate to that vulnerability that can change how we respond to that, to the idea of sexual intimacy.
[00:08:50]:
So for a lot of avoidant people, they won't really know how to have sex in a vulnerable way with someone that they love and so they can start to experience this withdrawal. And when that happens, the anxious person responds by testing escalating, upping the ante, trying to figure out if it's just all in their head or whether something really is wrong. So they might try and initiate more frequently, might try and be more affectionate with their partner to see whether they pull away or whether they're open receptive. And so the anxious person gets to work on gathering information and trying to test their hypothesis. And oftentimes the avoidant person feels that additional pressure pulls away more because they just feel overwhelmed. And then the anxious person goes well yes, I was right, they are pulling away, something really is wrong. And then it spirals and spirals because as one person escalates and the other pulls away and there's no actual open dialogue about anything, it's just both people living in these fear stories and whatever their self protective mechanisms are that just happen to be in direct opposition. So that's kind of a dynamic that I've previously termed the anxious avoidant sexual spiral.
[00:09:57]:
And you can probably imagine why if you've experienced it, I've experienced it, it's hard and it's really, really easy to internalise their stories of what's wrong? What have I done? Has something happened? Why do they not find me attractive anymore? What do I need to change about myself in order for them to desire me? Again, as is often the case, we take someone's behaviour and we make it about us and then we try and solve the problem by solving ourselves. And needless to say, that's really painful because usually it doesn't work and then we just feel like we failed and there's something really inherently wrong with us and the relationship. So all of that to say, there's a lot at play here and I think the first step in making any sort of headway here is can I depersonalise this? Now, I'm not going to tell you to not be impacted by it because I know that's not realistic and I can't even do that myself, right? Because it hurts and it's really easy to take that personally and to feel hurt by it. And that's I think totally fair enough. But we want to just interrupt between hurt and there's something wrong with me where that story starts to take root. That's what we want to interrupt and just soften away that story rather than feeding that and going, okay, this is uncomfortable, or this is painful. How can I change myself or do things differently or start frantically over functioning to try and get this person to want me? Because that's really kind of overstepping on where our responsibility lies. And we tend to then, as I said, feel like a failure if and when that doesn't work, which it usually doesn't.
[00:11:36]:
So can we hold on to the primary emotion of oh, this feels uncomfortable, this feels scary, I feel rejected, which is not good, I feel embarrassed. Even all of those things really normal. But can we just nudge in between that and the stories that spring from it and try and be really careful there so that we don't add more suffering to what is already a painful experience? I think when we can do that, we can also tend to those emotions more skillfully and we can share with our partner from a place that is self honouring and honest without being really, really charged with all those stories that we've been crafting and spinning around in our head. So being able to say to someone, look, it's really important to me and I really value when we're intimate and I've noticed that recently you've been less open to that. Is that something that you'd be willing to talk about? Is there something going on for you? And really being open minded and curious rather than projecting all of the fears and the hypotheses that you might have as to what's going on for them, seeking to understand. And if they are reluctant to have the conversation, you can kind of say, look, I get it. I get that this is really uncomfortable. It's not really comfortable for me either, but it's important to me.
[00:12:51]:
We don't have to have the conversation right now, but we do need to have it because it's important to me that we nurture this part of our relationship. And I really want us to be able to do that in a way that feels safe and good for both of us and here's what I'd need in that respect. So really being firm but compassionate in the way that you approach the conversation with your partner and emphasising everything that I've shared with you, that it's not something to be ashamed of. Mismatched libido is super common and stress is such a big part of it. So having a little more awareness around what goes into our experience of sexual desire, what we call libido, and tinkering with the variables. So if I know that being really tired at the end of the day is not conducive to sexual desire, then maybe you need to reverse engineer your environment to be trying to initiate sex at other times of day when your partner is likely to be more conducive. Or if you know that when you guys don't have enough space and privacy, then that makes you more stressed than allows for an enjoyable experience. Right? We need to get really clear and specific on what factors contribute to and detract from our experience of desire in a way that allows us to get really pragmatic and just help ourselves out rather than being very passive and then hoping for a miracle and then feeling awful when things aren't going the way we'd hoped.
[00:14:20]:
So I think we need to dispel this idea that sex should be really effortless and romantic and easeful all the time and really go, okay, if this is something that we're prioritising in our relationship, like any other thing, any other type of quality time, then we need to prioritise it and stop just waiting for it to happen or to improve or whatever. That's not going to happen on its own. So going if this is something that we both value about our relationship, then we're going to need to be really active participants in that process and in making it really great. And again, some people will have resistance to that. Your partner might be of the view that it shouldn't be hard and that it should just come easily and that there's something wrong if it's not really natural and easeful. And I think you've just got to say to them, look, I understand that that's the messaging we've gotten, but I just don't think that that's true. And I think that that can be a defence mechanism that people come up with. It's like, oh, it shouldn't be this hard and that's why I'll just kind of run away and go find someone else where it'll all be easier and I'll just get to start from scratch.
[00:15:24]:
I think that that's just a defence mechanism that allows us to move away from vulnerability and convince ourselves that with the perfect person it'll all be easy. And of course, we know that that is unfortunately a myth. So I hope that this has given you at least a starting point. Obviously this is a huge discussion. I have had a few episodes previously around sex and sexual communication and sexual dynamics. You can scroll back through the archives if you want to listen to more on the podcast or as I said, the sex and attachment masterclass is very much a comprehensive deep dive on this issue and you can use the code podcast 50 to save 50% on that masterclass which we will link in the show notes. Or you can find via my website. Otherwise I really hope that this has been helpful and if it has, please do leave a review or a five star rating.
[00:16:11]:
I really do appreciate so much your ongoing support of the show and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Attachment Styles & Break-Ups
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups. While of course, break-ups are messy, personal and far from formulaic, there are undeniably certain themes in how our break-ups feel that can be traced to our attachment patterns.
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups. While of course, break-ups are messy, personal and far from formulaic, there are undeniably certain themes in how our break-ups feel that can be traced to our attachment patterns.
Understanding the ways in which attachment drives can shape how we relate to and experience break-ups is essential in finding greater compassion for our own experience, and depersonalising someone else’s behaviour to the extent that they’re processing the transition differently to us.
Use the code PHOENIX to save $150 off Higher Love -
stephanierigg.com/higher-love
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking all about breakups and specifically how different attachment styles, people with different attachment patterns are likely to experience and respond to breakups. So I know I say this at the start of every episode, but this is something that I get asked about a lot, particularly from my anxious attachers. No surprises there. And people wondering a why breakups feel so intensely hard for people with anxious attachment patterns, but also desperately trying to decipher what their often avoidant leaning ex partner is thinking, feeling why would they do this? Why aren't they doing that? And while you would know, if you're familiar with my work, my approach that I usually will politely decline to join you in analysing and hypothesising about someone's behaviour, why would they do this? What does it mean when they do that? I think that playing that game actually just keeps us more stuck and so I usually opt out of that and gently discourage you from spending too much time and energy in that, spinning around in the hypothesising.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:44]:
At the same time, there are some clearly observed differences in the way that folks with anxious attachment patterns tend to process and experience a breakup compared with those who have more avoided patterns. And I think that in having a conversation around this we can cultivate greater understanding and be less inclined to project our own way onto the other person's behaviour and interpret accordingly. So I think again, and we do this all throughout relationships, right? All throughout the life cycle of a relationship. I think without conscious awareness, we do tend to project and receive someone's behaviour as what it would mean if we did that, notwithstanding that we're coming from completely different places, we have completely different sensitivities and values and all of those things. We put ourselves in their shoes and then construct meaning and it tends to give a very inaccurate and distorted and one sided view of things, which, spoiler alert, usually makes things worse because we then craft these painful stories out of it. So
I'm hoping that in today's episode I can give you a bit more context for that and probably more of an insight into that avoidant experience post breakup, so that you can understand that, depersonalise it a little and hopefully keep your eyes on your own paper, stay in your own lane a little, and support yourself as best you can. If you are going through a breakup, or maybe you've been through a breakup and you've had a lot of unanswered questions and wondered these same things, so hopefully I can give you some insights there. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:31]:
The first being you might have heard me announce that I'm holding a Live Master class in a couple of weeks time on Building Trust. So this will be a 90 minutes. Although in the past I've tended to go a little overtime, so probably 90 minutes to 2 hours. Live Masterclass where we'll be talking all about trust, both self trust and relational trust, how to build trust, looking at trust wounds, rebuilding after infidelity, whether you've got kind of legacy trust issues from a previous relationship, how to learn to trust yourself more, intuition, all of those topics will be woven in. Even as I'm saying this, I'm wondering how I'm going to fit it all into 2 hours. But anyway, that's what we're going to do. If you'd like to come along to that. I would love to see as many of you there as possible.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:17]:
There will be a recording that you'll have access to afterwards as well. If you're unable to join Live or you just want to revisit the material and you can find the link to that in the show notes or directly on my website. Second quick announcements just to share the featured review, which is I've listened to a few episodes and already learnt so much.
Stephanie's calm, kind, compassionate approach is helping me understand relationships and myself at a deeper level. Thank you Stephanie. Keep on making a difference. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you are new to the show and already seeing an impact in your life and the way you're relating to yourself and others.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:55]:
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Masterclasses, which includes, if you would like, a free ticket to the Rebuilding Trust Live Masterclass so you can choose that one rather than one of my preexisting Masterclasses if you so desire.
Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around attachment and breakups. So I've spoken at length on the show and elsewhere around anxious attachment and breakups and I'll give a bit of a recap on that for anyone who needs a refresher. Or perhaps if you haven't listened to me speak about this before. For anxiously attached people, breakups tend to be very, very challenging. We know that for anxious folks, connection is a very, very high ranking need and the relationship tends to be our anchor and our source of safety. We really lean on the relationship as giving us identity, as giving us purpose. We tend to orbit around that and really prioritise the relationship above the other pillars of our life.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:03]:
And while that's not, oh, you're so anxious and clingy and needy because of those traits or preferences, it's normal. I would say that folks with secure attachment patterns also find their relationship to be a source of security and comfort and stability and they prioritise it. And that's not an anxious trope. Anxious folks tend to over index on their relationship to the exclusion of other areas of their life or to the detriment of other areas of their life which can be neglected in favour of putting the relationship first. Above. All else, and particularly if a relationship is under stress or strain, the anxious person will up the ante on how much time and energy they are devoting to being around their partner, trying to fix the relationship, thinking about the relationship. All of your internal resources are going to be funnelled into like Operation Save This Sinking Ship, right? And so the irony there being that as you keep ramping up your efforts, as the relationship becomes more and more strained, if you do then find yourself in this situation of a breakup, the relationship has ended, you've expended all this energy trying to save it and you're left really empty handed. And it can be a double edged sword because you feel this sense of failure that you weren't able to salvage the relationship and at the same time you then turn around and look at the rest of your life and there's not much happening because you became so laser focused on the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:47]:
And you might have neglected friendships. You might have isolated yourself. You might have stopped doing whatever else you usually do. You might have abandoned your regular routines or become disengaged from work or any number of other things because you were so focused on the relationship and trying to stop it from ending when it was feeling really dire. And so for the anxious person, there are so many different layers of struggle here. Not only have they lost this anchor and this safety blanket, but there's a sense of failure, there's the sense of the unknown, of uncertainty. All of these things are big triggers for people who struggle with anxiety and usually try and manage that anxiety through control and creating predictability, through focusing on another person and their needs. All of these patterns that are pretty common among most anxiously attached people.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:47]:
You've got all of this kind of energy that you are used to heaping onto someone else and a relationship and all of a sudden you don't know what to do with yourself. And that can feel just incredibly uncomfortable and you can feel almost frantic and panicked and very, very overwhelmed by that experience. Being in the void of all of that is just deeply uncomfortable. And so many anxiously attached folks will just spin out after a breakup and feel this overwhelming urge to reconnect with their partner. Not knowing how your partner is thinking or feeling, if you're not in contact with them, that is also likely to be incredibly difficult. So all of a sudden, this person who you're used to having access to and you're accustomed to feeling entitled to speak to them and to know how they're feeling and to know what they're doing and who they're spending. Time with and all of those things, all of a sudden you kind of overnight you lose jurisdiction over that and that can feel again for someone whose tendencies to create safety via a level of control and oversight feeling. Like you've just lost power there and that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they're thinking, to know what they're feeling, to know what they're doing with their time, who they're seeing, all of those things that is likely to send you into spirals of stress and panic and anxiety and jealousy and all of those other things.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:19]:
And I think that behaviours like stalking their social media and when have they been online and who have they been talking to? Oh, did they just start following this person? Is that some all of that stuff, which I'm sure you're listening and some of you will be sheepishly raising your hand and going, yep, that's me done that. I get it, you are not alone. A lot of people do. I've done that before. It's a really easy trap to fall into just feeling like we need to gather information to somehow arm ourselves because that's just what we know to do. But of course, none of that is really helping us. And as always, the healing and the growth and the thing we really need, the medicine that we need, even though it's not what we want, is to turn from our obsessive focus on the other back to ourselves. Go, okay, I am feeling all of these big feelings.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:15]:
I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling rejected, I'm feeling a sense of failure and humiliation and shame and loss and grief. And instead of being with those feelings, I am trying to fix or distract or avoid or get away from the immense overwhelm that comes with all of that big emotion because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle it right, because we are so accustomed to the other person providing the safety. So I think that the very best thing we can do, as much as it's the last thing that we would do by instinct or impulse is actually to just focus on ourselves and try and release the grip, to surrender to the fact that we are no longer in control of this person. Not that we ever were, but we really now, as I said, we don't have jurisdiction over that anymore and obsessing over them and what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they're feeling is very much our way of trying to create a sense of control when we're feeling out of control. And so I think the best thing we can do is offer ourselves a more adaptive strategy which is going to be focusing on us. That is really the task of people with anxious attachment patterns, whether you're in a relationship or not, if you want to really work on healing and growing and cultivating a greater sense of security. You need to rebuild the foundations within yourself because that's where you are perhaps underdeveloped because you've been so accustomed to focusing on the other person. You need to start laying those bricks of self worth and self respect and self trust and self compassion, self esteem.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:58]:
Those are the things that allow you to stand on your own. 2ft. To go to relationship with a strong sense of self and really love with an open heart rather than love someone with a lot of fear behind it and a need to control and grip and cling and all of those things. So that is your work and I really think that a breakup is a beautiful opportunity to take stock and to really look at that and go, okay, what are the lessons learned and what is next? That turned into a little bit of a soapbox pep talk for my anxious attaches. That was meant to be a quick setting of the scene. But anyway, we're now going to talk about the avoidant experience, which spoiler alert, is not what I just described in 99% of cases. And of course I will give the caveat that I should have done this at the start that of course everyone's different, right? To say like anxious people do this and avoidant people do that, universally categorically, the end overly simplistic. So this is not gospel, this is not universal, but it is often true in a general sense.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:05]:
And that is to say that for avoidant leaning folk you'll recall I was saying, as a relationship becomes more strained towards the end, anxious folks dial up the intensity and they ramp up their attempts at fixing, saving, controlling, getting closer, problem solving. One more chance they might engage in more conflict and more demands in this desperate effort to get engagement and to turn the ship around. Avoidant folks, as things get more strained, become more and more overwhelmed and it just SAPS them of energy. It's like it drains the battery so fast because avoidant folks really value relational harmony and for them to feel like a relationship is just constant work, that is a very exhausting experience. I think it's exhausting for anxious folks as well, but it's not exhausting in the sense of like I can't do this, I'm out. Anxious leaning people tend to roll up their sleeves and want to do that work kind of relentlessly rather than walking away and deciding it's too much. For avoidant folks, I think that that just becomes more trouble than it's worth. And reminding ourselves that there is a really different baseline in terms of need to be in a relationship and if aloneness is comfortable, that is the comfort zone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:37]:
For a lot of people with avoidant patterns, the being in a relationship is the thing that is challenging them. And so as soon as the relationship becomes consistently tense and strained and conflict ridden, and they're feeling like they're under attack the whole time or like they're constantly being dragged into a three hour long conversation every other day where someone is highly emotional and you're going around in circles. That is not what an avoidant person, they don't get a lot out of that and that can just very quickly tip the scales in favour of this isn't working, this is costing me more than it's giving to me, it's too much, it's too exhausting, it's not working. And so when the relationship has been like that in the lead up to a breakup, the first thing that most avoidant people are going to feel is a sense of relief. There will be this sense of like, okay, I was feeling all of that stress and now that stress is alleviated and I feel free again and I feel relief and it's not like free, woohoo, I'm going to go out and sleep with a bunch of people. I mean, some people might do that and whatever, but I think that to suggest that it's freedom in the sense of, oh, now I'm single, like it's party time. I don't think that that's true. I think it is just a lifting of a huge emotional burden that comes with relational tension over time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:06]:
And so for avoidant folks, there is this sense of probably peace and relief retreating to an environment of aloneness where they feel like they're back in control and they don't feel like a failure and a disappointment. Someone's always upset with them and wanting things from them that they can't give. And so you might see that an avoidant person after a breakup is likely to seem pretty fine, particularly at the start. So they might seem to be pretty okay. And you might see them socialising a lot, they might distract themselves because like you, they don't know how to be with those big emotions that might be underneath that relief, but their way of coping with that. Whereas the anxious person tries to get away from those emotions by obsessing over the intellectualization of them and trying to find information and focusing on the other person and trying to solve the problem. Avoidant person tends to avoid and distract and numb. So they might go out and socialise a lot, they might throw themselves into work, they might take up a new hobby or something.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:17]:
They might just go all in on other areas of life in a way that from the outside, if you're looking at them and you're following them on social media or whatever, you might look and just see them seemingly being fine and looking even like they're thriving. And that's probably pretty excruciating for you if you are more anxious. Because again, as I said at the start, you are interpreting what you are seeing through the lens of what it would mean if you were doing that. So for you, if you a week after a breakup were out socialising heaps and maybe going on a trip or all of those things are unfathomable because you're in this really dark place, you're going, wow, for me to be in that place, I must not care at all. I would have to not care at all. I would have to not miss them at all. I would have to have not even really loved them. I didn't value the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:09]:
That's the only way that I could be ready for all of that. But that is just such a projection coming from a very different starting point and a very different experience and emotional landscape and way of coping with things. So while that's likely to be the avoidant person's initial experience, what will often happen is that a few weeks might go by, a month might go by, and then they might start to kind of really come to terms with what's happened. And that initial experience of relief might become something a little bit more sad, or having that grief come up, probably not in the same intense, overwhelming or consuming way as anxious person would, but still like having the, oh, that's sad, I miss them. And this is where you'll see people reaching out or they might like your Instagram story or send a casual message saying, hey, how are you? And I always get anxious attaches going, why would they send me a message? Why would they do that? I haven't heard from them for three weeks and all of a sudden they get this random message. Often that is what's happening, that they've kind of come through the fog of that initial period and realised what's happened. And again, people go, oh, if they missed me, does that mean we should get back together? You know, a lot of you would know that my take on that is not that getting back together is a bad thing or that you should never do that. But I think it's got to be based on a whole lot more than missing each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:44]:
Because that's just going to lead you right back to where you started and you'll be in the same patterns and the same dynamics. As soon as you have that temporary relief of getting back together, you haven't actually resolved anything substantively. There's a really good chance that you'll be right back where you started. But that is kind of the arc or the trajectory that you could expect from a lot of folks with avoidant patterns is that they will seem to be fine and then they might have a bit of a hangover. But it's kind of a delay because of that initial experience of relief and feeling like, oh, thank God I'm not in the midst of that really high conflict, intense, overwhelming dynamic, which is what the tone of a lot of these relationships are right before a breakup. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of those contrasting experiences. Again, I offer that with a view to helping you depersonalise and maybe cheque yourself on those projections and those stories you're telling yourself about like, oh, that's what their behaviour means, they're fine. That means that I'm pathetic and I loved them more and they never cared about me again.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:58]:
That just really adds to our suffering and is not helpful at all. If this episode is something that you are really needing right now and you're in the midst of a breakup, definitely cheque out my Higher Love course. It's a breakup course. It's very comprehensive and it also has a bonus masterclass called Attachment Styles and Breakups, which is about 45 minutes and is more of a deep dive on the conversation we've had here today. And you can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on Higher Love, so you can enter that code at the checkout and you will save $150. So sending so much love to anyone who is going through a breakup. I know that it's tough. In a couple of weeks time, maybe next week, I'm going to do a Q and A episode all on breakup.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:44]:
So covering a few different topics because it is one of the areas that I get a lot of requests for support from, from people who listen to the show and who follow me on Instagram and all of those things. So keep an ear out for that if that is something you're going through at the moment. Otherwise, so grateful for you all being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
Stephanie Rigg [00:23:26]:
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How Do I Get My Avoidant Partner To Open Up?
This week, I’m answering the community question, “How do I get my avoidant partner to open up?”. I’ll dive into how to pave the way for more genuine, authentic connection and what that looks like for people with avoidant attachment styles and anxious attachment styles within relationships.
This week, I’m answering the community question, “How do I get my avoidant partner to open up?”. I’ll dive into how to pave the way for more genuine, authentic connection and what that looks like for people with avoidant attachment styles and anxious attachment styles within relationships.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Preferences of wanting to receive information
Trust wounds in avoidant partners
Self-serving behaviour that could be impacting this issue
Insight into their experience
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code JUNE50 for 50% off 3 masterclasses or the Higher Love Course - www.stephanierigg.com
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:30.08
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment.
0:00:30.22 → 0:01:02.23
In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of how do I get my avoidant partner to open up more? So this is a very frequently asked question, as you can imagine. I know that it's something a lot of more anxious partners struggle with and really desire is to have more depth and connection with their partner, particularly a partner who leans more avoidant. So I'm going to be unpacking that a little today. And importantly, and I would say more importantly than the actual, how do I get my partner to open up more?
0:01:02.32 → 0:01:59.10
As you can imagine, if you are familiar with my work and my philosophy, I think the more revealing inquiry here is what is it within me that needs to control or influence that? What part of me feels unsafe with them not telling me everything right away or feeling like I can't reach parts of them, how much of my desire to get them to open up is about them versus me? And I think that when we can get a little curious about that and take responsibility and really own the parts of us that maybe want to control someone or want to change them, want them to be more like us or as we would like them to be, then we're more able to approach those situations with a level of conscious awareness. And hopefully that will pave the way for more genuine, authentic connection, rather than connection that is, with a motive of control attached to it. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
0:01:59.20 → 0:02:40.00
Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements you might have heard me share in the last episode that for the month of June I am offering a 50% off sale on my online courses and master classes. So included in that is my Higher Love course, which is my breakup course, and my three master classes how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships, better boundaries and sex and attachment. So for the month of June, you can use the code June 50 on my website, the checkout area, to save 50% on all of those products. So if you've been interested in going a little deeper with my work, now is a great time to do that. We'll link all of that in the show notes for you.
0:02:40.77 → 0:03:05.15
Second announcement is just to share the featured review, which is Stephanie's an incredible teacher on attachment. Not only theories covered, but so many good examples of practical implementation. I've had experiences learning about attachment theory that made me feel like I'm a bad person because of how I tend to behave in relationships with Stephanie. I never feel that I've learned so much from listening to her, and I've only just scratched the surface on the many episodes available. Also, her voice is very pleasant and soothing.
0:03:05.20 → 0:03:24.76
She has a wonderful accent, and her way of facing her words makes it very easy to understand. Thank you so much, Stephanie. You're making a huge contribution by creating this valuable content. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. It's kind of you to say that my voice is very pleasant and soothing because I got a message from someone on Instagram yesterday telling me to please make my voice more professional because it sounded unnatural.
0:03:24.82 → 0:03:52.47
So apparently you can't please everybody, but it's nice to have the alternative perspective. So thank you so much for your review and your kind words. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, and my team will set you up with free access to one of those master classes that I mentioned a little while ago. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how do I get my avoidant partner to open up? So let's acknowledge the starting point for anxious people.
0:03:52.62 → 0:04:34.60
Disclosure. And arguably, over disclosure is a way to fast track connection a lot of the time. So even if it's very early in the dating process, something that a lot of anxious people will relate to is, I want to tell you everything about me, and I want you to tell me everything about you as a way to fast track us to depth. Right. I don't want to hang out in this in between uncertain thing where our relationship isn't really intense yet, and I lean on disclosure as a way to bypass that in between stage that uncertainty and fast track us straight to really intense connection.
0:04:34.79 → 0:05:28.13
So as is the case a lot of the time, noticing that as an anxious person, you probably sit at one extreme or one end of the spectrum when it comes to disclosure or opening up. And sometimes that can be maybe over disclosure, so it can be a lack of boundaries. I think that if we look at some of those descriptors of the various attachment styles, you'll see anxious people over disclose, avoidant people are very protective of disclosure and might under disclose or not share much of themselves with someone. And secure attachment is somewhere in the middle, right? I share an appropriate amount with people, but I don't blurt out everything and all of my deepest, darkest secrets and my history and my family struggles and my trauma and everything, because that might be too much too soon.
0:05:28.25 → 0:06:23.76
So I suppose I say that just to invite you to reflect on am I sitting at one extreme and judging someone or expecting them to meet me in my version of doing things my way, which maybe isn't healthy either. And I think that we can see that kind of dynamic play out a lot in anxious avoidant relationships is that we tussle over which extreme should win out, when really the goal is to meet in the middle. So I think when it comes to getting someone to open up, we first have to acknowledge that that is driven by our preference from the other extreme. Now, that is not to say that desiring connection with someone via feeling like you know them on a deep level is problematic. I don't think that it is problematic.
0:06:23.82 → 0:06:59.53
I think that's really understandable and natural and can be healthy at the same time. We do need to acknowledge that there can be a level of protectiveness from the avoidant person around sharing parts of themselves with other people. There can be trust wounds. Certainly for more fearful avoidant people, there can be a real betrayal, fear and not trusting in people's good intentions and feeling like the more I share of myself with you, the more potential you have to use that against me or hurt me. So I want to keep you at arm's length.
0:06:59.58 → 0:07:37.50
Or maybe if I do share something with you, then I retreat because I feel like I really regret sharing things with you. But I think that we do have to get really curious around how much of me wanting you to open up is because I genuinely want to know you better from an open hearted, agenda free kind of way. And how much of it is because I can't tolerate the distance that I perceive from not being able to reach you, from there being things about you that I don't know. Because as we know for anxious people, information feels safe. The more information we have, the more in control we feel.
0:07:37.55 → 0:08:01.08
The less information we have, the more out of control we feel. That uncertainty tends to feel really destabilising and can feel like you can't mobilise to keep yourself safe because you don't know what you're dealing with. And those blanks we tend to fill in with worst case scenarios, right? We catastrophize, why would they hide something from me? Why wouldn't they share it with me?
0:08:01.53 → 0:08:33.15
It must be something really bad or they don't like me, or there's something awry here. We become very, very suspicious of someone not sharing everything with us. Again, because our preference and our baseline is to share everything with everyone in a way that again, we use that to fast track connection. So we are suspicious and judgmental of the ways in which someone might be different to us and we think that it necessarily spells trouble. So I do think that we have to get honest and own.
0:08:33.30 → 0:09:11.50
How much of this is me wanting you to open up? Because I want to feel more connected to you and how much of it is I would feel more in control of you and our relationship and I would feel safer if I had more information. Because the more information I have, the more options I have, the more strategies I feel like I have at my disposal. To troubleshoot, to problem solve, to preempt something bad happening. But without that information, I feel like I'm going in blind to this situation where I feel like I'm going to have to protect myself and not going to be able to do that because I'm not armed with that information.
0:09:11.87 → 0:09:50.61
I think the other piece of this is that the other kind of self serving piece and as always, I say self serving not in a judgmental way because I am guilty of all of these things. But the other self serving thing can be if you loved me, you would tell me, right? That's the logic from the anxious side. It's if you really cared about this relationship, you would share everything with me. And so the fact that you don't want to share certain things with me or you're not opening up to me makes me feel rejected or unloved or suspicious or any other thing.
0:09:50.65 → 0:10:43.75
But I'm making it mean something about how much you care about me or how much you love me. And again, that is a very good example of projecting what something would mean if it were us onto someone else who's very different to us. So just recognising all of those different limbs that might be playing out here that might be influencing your need for someone else to be a certain way and how much of that is genuinely about them and how much of it is about you and arguably about control. So putting that to one side and that's kind of a whole inquiry in and of itself is all of the pieces within us that want to get someone to open up and actually looking at, okay, what would be the conditions which would support someone to feel like they could open up? And for an avoidant person, we have to look at the core wounds and the fears there.
0:10:43.79 → 0:11:21.45
And a lot of the time that is around, I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to feel like someone is trying to take away my privacy, my independence, my selfhood. And so feeling like someone is literally or figuratively looming over them and demanding that they open up or making them wrong for not opening up on someone else's timeline, that's usually going to exacerbate it rather than alleviate it. Right. That's going to really lead them to dig their heels in and reinforce the need for self protection rather than to support them to feel safe.
0:11:21.55 → 0:11:48.29
You can't just demand that someone feel safe enough to open up to you. You have to kind of earn that. And earning that might mean building trust incrementally over time and releasing the grip on trying to control someone or trying to make demands of them that are more than they are able to give at a certain point in a relationship or a certain point in their own journey. Right? This stuff can feel intensely vulnerable and unsafe.
0:11:48.39 → 0:12:47.18
And I think we have to really remind ourselves of that rather than just asking these questions of how can I get them to do this thing that I want them to do. There's a lot more in it than that. I think the important thing to add to all of this is it's really reasonable and understandable to want to know that someone is connected to their own emotional landscape. And I think to the extent that your desire to get your partner to open up is because it feels unsafe or otherwise destabilising to you to feel like there's something going on that not only you don't understand, but your partner doesn't understand. If you listen to a recent episode I did with Connor Beaton, a guest that I had on, he works a lot with men, and we spoke in that episode in the context of men that what we really desire from someone in partnership is, can I trust that you know what's going on with you?
0:12:47.36 → 0:13:19.91
And you have self awareness around that, and you have the tools and the resources to do whatever you need to do to take care of it. And I think that that is really the crux of it. And when we feel like someone is not only cloistered but also in denial about there being something wrong or something that needs their attention, that's when it starts to feel really unsafe. And that's where on the anxious side, you probably start escalating and going into this panicky frenzy of, you have to tell me there's something wrong. I know there's something wrong.
0:13:19.95 → 0:13:46.44
Why aren't you telling me? Just open up to me. Because we feel like if they don't understand what's going on with them or they don't know, then how are they going to take care of it? And that can feel really unsafe and really stressful. So I think that that aspect of it, to the extent that that's your experience, feeling like you don't have trust in the fact that they're self aware enough to know what's going on for them and to manage that for themselves, I think that's really understandable.
0:13:46.47 → 0:14:28.17
And maybe the middle ground then is to say I don't need you to tell me everything that's going on. But it would be helpful for me if you could just reassure me that whatever it is that you've got it under control, or that you're taking care of it, or some other reassurance that isn't. I need you to bear your soul to me so that I can launch in and fix it and go into that Caretaker mode, but at least give me some sort of insight into what you're experiencing and what you're going to do about it. Right? And I think when we can ask for that from a more restrained place rather than a demanding place and a place that's tell me what's going on for you, and then I'm going to mobilise straight away into trying.
0:14:28.18 → 0:15:02.66
To fix it, which might feel like a boundary violation for the other person. Or we can do it in a more restrained way, in a more trusting way, a way that says I trust you and I respect you. And I know that you'll take care of it, but it would really help if I could get a little insight into what you're going through that feels more balanced and that feels like more of a healthy middle ground, rather than poking and prodding and demanding that someone open up so that you feel better about it. So I suppose it's a long winded way of saying how do I get someone to open up? I don't know that you do get someone to open up.
0:15:02.68 → 0:15:54.75
I think people open when they're ready and if they're opening before they're ready because you've made them, that's probably not a great outcome, is it? We really want people to open from a place of a natural unfolding and unfurling of their authentic self in a way that feels really true and honest rather than getting someone to share parts of themselves that they're not ready to share or that they feel really reluctant to share. And then that being cloaked in fear or self protection and probably not feeling that great on either side. I think when we can trust that in time, if we are loving and respectful and trusting of one another, that that revealing just happens. It takes place naturally because the safety is established between you in a really genuine way.
0:15:54.90 → 0:16:21.73
And so I think that if you can cultivate that patience and trust rather than needing someone to operate on your timeline of opening up or revealing themselves or disclosing certain things, then I think that that's maybe the better path. Now, of course, all of the caveats, all of the what about this? What about this? What about someone lying to me? Or I'm not talking about any of that.
0:16:21.77 → 0:17:01.23
Right? Really talking about sharing emotionally disclosing things about fears and insecurities recognising that that's much harder for some people than others. And that doesn't mean that they're bad or wrong or broken, but just trying to accept our partner's process and trust their ability to make those decisions for themselves rather than feeling like we need to step in and steward their personal development process for them. Which, as I've said, I think is a really easy place for more anxious people to go. But it costs us a lot because once we step into that role of coach or therapist or caretaker, that can become the balance point in the relationship.
0:17:01.35 → 0:18:03.28
And that can be the role that we cement ourselves into, which for a time might feel good because we might feel needed or we might feel in control, but ultimately it costs us a lot because then who's there to support us when we've anointed ourselves, the support person in the relationship? It can skew things in a direction that ultimately doesn't serve us. So I realised that was a lot of different limbs and thoughts and reflections and probably wasn't the answer you were looking for if you were hoping for a nice, neat three step process on how to get an avoidant person to open up. But I hope that it's given you something a little more nuanced and layered to reflect upon, and ultimately an invitation into greater self awareness, greater self responsibility, and maybe more acceptance of your partner and more trust and respect for them in a way that will naturally give rise to opening and safety in your relationship. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm super grateful.
0:18:03.34 → 0:18:26.53
For those of you who can leave a quick review or a rating or a feedback little comment thing on Spotify, share it with the people in your life. It all really helps and adds up and is a huge support for me in continuing to get the word out about the podcast. Otherwise, I look forward to joining you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
0:18:26.63 → 0:18:45.70
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to you again soon.
"Is he avoidant or just not that into me?"
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of "How do I know if someone is avoidant or just not that interested in me?" This is a question I get A LOT - and the answer might surprise you.
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of "How do I know if someone is avoidant or just not that interested in me?" This is a question I get A LOT - and the answer might surprise you.
I'm going to share a common misconception about avoidant attachment in early dating, as well as some hard truths about why we seek out people whose behaviour leaves us questioning whether they're interested or not.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:43.49
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering one of the most frequently asked questions that I get, which is how do I know if someone is avoidant or just not that into me?
0:00:43.66 → 0:01:19.49
So I know that a lot of you listening will relate to this question purely by virtue of how often I get asked. It really is something that I'm hearing all the time from people. How can I figure out, particularly in early dating, whether the way someone's behaving towards me, which might feel sort of unclear or ambiguous or maybe not super interested? Do I put that down to the fact that they're not interested? Or is there something more different at play here that might be their attachment patterns, their avoidant attachment style?
0:01:19.83 → 0:01:41.43
How can I tell the difference and what do I do about it? So that's what I'm going to be talking through today. Before I dive into that, just want to share the featured review for today, which is this is the only podcast I wait for new episodes to be released every week. It's just that good. Even when I don't think the episode is going to be related to me, I find a new way to apply it to my life and be able to better understand the people around me.
0:01:41.47 → 0:02:00.41
I recently started Stephanie's Anxious Attachment course, and it has flipped the way I experience relationships. I can't thank Stephanie enough for this magical gift of a podcast that came into my life just when I needed it. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad that you've been loving the podcast and healing anxious attachment. That is all very lovely feedback.
0:02:00.46 → 0:02:47.69
So thank you so much for sharing. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's talk about whether they're avoidant or just not into you. This big question that I always get before I answer it, and I won't be answering it in any sort of yes or no way, obviously, but I do just want to give the caveat and emphasise that there are a million and one different answers to this question depending on context and all of those things. So please don't take what I'm going to say as being true for your situation, but rather as something to reflect upon and to apply to your situation to the extent that maybe it feels insightful.
0:02:47.74 → 0:03:19.35
But if it doesn't, then leave it. There's no need to panic and draw some sort of conclusion about someone else's behaviour based on what I'm about to share. I am just sharing observations and reflections from my experience and what I know to be true. So with all of that out of the way, with all of the disclaimers out of the way, I think that when we ask this question of is someone avoidant or just not interested in me? We are perhaps misunderstanding how avoidant attachment shows up.
0:03:19.47 → 0:04:06.64
A lot of the time, in my experience, dating avoidant people and working with avoidant people and working with many, many anxious people who date avoidant people. Fair sample size. In early dating, most avoidant people are not in their avoidant mode, meaning they haven't been triggered yet. So their strategies of withdrawing or going hot and cold, those sorts of things probably haven't been activated yet, right? That tends to come into play a little bit later when things become a bit more serious, when they start to feel pressure, when they start to feel like there's a bit more reliance on them or dependability or they're expected to do things or all of that stuff that we know can feel overwhelming for an avoidant leaning person when their freedom starts to feel like it's being impinged upon in some way.
0:04:06.67 → 0:05:07.64
But usually it's not at the very early stages of dating and I do tend to find that the people asking this question of how do I know if someone's avoidant or just not interested in me? Are usually asking that at a pretty early stage of dating, right? So I think that if you've been on one or two dates with someone, or you've just been messaging them a lot on an app and their behaviour is such that you're questioning whether they're interested in you and you're going, oh, is it just because they're avoidant because they're being really indifferent and they're not really messaging me, they're not putting in any effort, they're whatever, fill in the blanks. I think in many cases I think a lot of the time when we find ourselves asking that are they avoidant or just not interested in me?
0:05:07.74 → 0:05:28.22
At the very early stages of dating? Perhaps we're looking for an explanation that is better preferable than the thing that we're afraid to hear, which is that they just might not be interested in us. I should also say these things aren't mutually exclusive. Someone could be avoidant and not interested in you. So I think when we're trying to go, oh, is it this or this?
0:05:28.37 → 0:06:05.67
And how do I know whether it's one or the other? We have to recognise that there's a Venn diagram and there could be both, right? That's a bit of a side note. So the first kind of key piece here is that in my experience in early dating, avoidant people tend to show interest in people that they are interested in most of the time. Of course, not always exceptions, of course, but avoidant attachment doesn't usually manifest as being really coy or disinterested or indifferent towards people that you are actively pursuing and actively really interested in.
0:06:05.76 → 0:07:04.26
The avoidant stuff tends to come a little bit later when the relationship feels like it's becoming exclusive or there's other pressure or seriousness involved in a way that then activates some of those attachment fears and their accompanying strategies. The second key piece, and this is more important by a long shot, if you are asking yourself this question of are they avoidant or just not interested in me? And this is the question of does it matter and what part of you wants to go on that expedition of finding out the answer so that you can solve it right? If someone's behaviour towards you is so confusing and inconsistent and indifferent and whatever else that you are already straight out of the gate asking these questions are they even interested in me? Or is there some sort of label I can put on them that makes this behaviour make sense?
0:07:05.03 → 0:07:39.75
Does it really matter what the answer is? Do you want to persist in pursuing that connection when you're feeling like this? And to be very clear, this is not about demonising avoidant attachment and avoidantly attached people. If you're familiar with my work, you know that's not my philosophy at all, but a big part of my philosophy is taking responsibility for our part. And what I see all too often is anxious people going through a world of pain because they persist with people who the signs were there from the beginning.
0:07:39.80 → 0:08:24.92
It's not even a sign, it's just plain to see oh, I was wondering whether it was because you're avoidant or you didn't even like me and rather than just going oh well, if I'm asking that question, that's probably all I need to know. I stick around and I try and be more of this or less of that, or try different strategies and techniques and ways to get your attention and ways to make you happy and make you show up and make you interested in me. Why do we see someone's indifference towards us or inconsistency as an invitation to try harder? That's what we really need to ask ourselves because that's where the growth is. And this is particularly true for you if it's a recurring pattern, if you consistently ask yourself this question of is someone avoiding or just not interested in me?
0:08:25.02 → 0:09:18.24
Whenever we notice ourselves as the common denominator in a pattern in our relationships, that's where we have to look in the mirror and go, okay, what's going on for me here? And this is one where we have to go okay, what is it about someone else's disinterest or someone being lukewarm about me that feels like an invitation to prove myself and to try harder and to make them want me? Because that is our work, that is our worthiness stuff coming up. And if we're doing that with someone who isn't really interested then we are almost certainly just going to strive and strive and strive in the face of someone who didn't ever really care for us all that much in the first place, who was maybe kind of ambivalent towards us. And we made it our mission to change their mind, to convert them to be the one.
0:09:18.61 → 0:10:00.87
And then we feel so hurt and disappointed when that doesn't come to fruition and we make it mean something about us and we fail to see how much of a role we've played in creating that situation and bringing ourselves to where we are. We throw our hands up and go, why does this happen to me? Why do I attract people like this? When really we've been a main character in that story again and again and again. Okay, so this wasn't really meant to turn into me standing on a soapbox and giving you this pep talk, but I think it's an important one because, as I said, I get this question all the time and it breaks my heart to see people who have a blind spot around their part in their pattern.
0:10:01.03 → 0:11:04.20
So if you are someone who is dating and you're feeling this question of why do I always attract avoidant people, why do I always attract people who are uninterested in me or who treat me in this very lukewarm way? I think the better question is, why do I look past the behaviour itself and try and find an explanation for it so that I can then roll up my sleeves and get to work in trying to change them? Or change the way they feel about me, rather than just seeing it for what it is and directing my energy and attention elsewhere towards a person or even just myself and my life in a way that is far more fruitful and nourishing and supportive for my well being. Why do I make it my mission to change someone's mind about me? I think that's the really fertile ground for deep insight about ourselves and our patterns and whatever wounds might be driving those patterns.
0:11:04.26 → 0:11:31.12
So I hope that that has been helpful. It might not be the answer that you were expecting when you started listening to this, but it might be the answer that you needed to hear if this is something that you struggle with. As always, super grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. If you're listening on Spotify, you can now leave a Q and a response at the bottom of the episode. So grateful for all of your ongoing support and I look forward to seeing you again soon.
0:11:31.22 → 0:11:55.98
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating it really does help so much. Thanks again for being here. And I hope to see you again soon.
The Role of Criticism in Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics
Today's episode is all about the role of criticism in anxious-avoidant dynamics. Both anxious and avoidant people have been known to deploy criticism as a strategy to manage fears and self-protect in relationships - but this will often look different (and be motivated by different drives) on each side.
Today's episode is all about the role of criticism in anxious-avoidant dynamics. Both anxious and avoidant people have been known to deploy criticism as a strategy to manage fears and self-protect in relationships - but this will often look different (and be motivated by different drives) on each side.
One thing's for sure: no matter how it shows up, criticism is really harmful to relationships - so if this is something you struggle with, you've come to the right place.
WHAT WE COVER:
how anxiously attached people use criticism as a protest behaviour
criticism as a way to convey our hurt
how avoidant people use criticism to sow seeds of doubt and create distance
how to identify the needs underlying our criticism so we can communicate in a healthier way
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:48.98
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is all about criticism in anxious avoidant dynamics, so how criticism tends to come up and what different partners might use criticism for in an anxious avoidant dynamic.
0:00:49.04 → 0:02:03.02
So this has been something that's been swirling around in my head, as is the case with many of the topics that I speak about on the podcast. And it's come up for me because I think that criticism, if you read any of the literature around attachment, you'll find that criticism is something that both anxious and avoidant leaning people will deploy as a strategy at various points in time to try and get a need met. And I think that as a broader point, if you're familiar with my work and my approach, you'll know that even these ostensibly unhealthy or problem behaviours, if we were to call them that, they're all ultimately trying to meet a need, they're trying to protect us against something, they're trying to achieve an end. And so looking at criticism through this lens of what am I trying to achieve when I criticise my partner? Whether that's inwardly, whether it's just our inner voice noticing the deficiencies of our partner and feeling very judgmental, or whether it's outward criticism and it's something that we are using to try and elicit a response or change or engagement in a partner getting really curious
0:02:03.08 → 0:02:03.41
around.
0:02:03.48 → 0:02:36.41
Okay, what's driving that? What is this really about for me? So that we can create a little space, create greater awareness and ultimately create the possibility of using a healthier strategy that's more conducive to a secure relationship and is much more likely to get whatever the underlying need is met than just being critical of our partner. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:36.57 → 0:03:03.43
The first being I'm really, really excited to share that applications are now open for my Homecoming Mastermind. So I haven't spoken very much about this programme, but it is the most intimate way to work with me. It's a small group, mastermind. It runs for six months. I've been running the current Cohort since January and it has exceeded my expectations in every way.
0:03:03.50 → 0:03:39.32
It is a beautiful, beautiful group. We meet weekly and we have coaching calls. We talk about most everything you could imagine from relationships, relationship with self fears, insecurities, desires. We really cover the full spectrum. And it has been so very humbling to watch not only the breakthroughs and the transformations, but the way that the women in the group relate to one another and support one another and cheer each other on hold each other, in our tears and in our tender moments.
0:03:39.43 → 0:04:11.85
It has been incredibly healing, not only for the people that I've been guiding through the group, but for me as well. It's something that I look forward to every week. I will be starting another round of Homecoming in July and I am accepting applications for that now. It is by application only, just because it is such a small group and I want to make sure that we're a good fit on both sides. But if you are someone who is not brand new to this work, it's not really suited for someone who is just dipping a toe in.
0:04:11.97 → 0:05:15.70
If you're someone who's been doing this kind of work for a while and you probably have a lot of the self awareness and the intellectual stuff down pat, that maybe you're looking for a way to get to that. Next level of inner freedom and peace and worth and joy and liberation that can really only come with embodying and integrating all of the knowledge and all of the learnings. I would love to have you apply for Homecoming. All of the details of that are in the show notes or you can go directly to my website and if you have any questions on that one, once you've read through the registration page, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or you can reach out to my team at support@stephanierigue.com. Okay, the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, as always, and this one is stephanie's podcast and Higher Love course have helped me immensely.
0:05:15.73 → 0:05:50.55
I started listening a couple of months before leaving my toxic, anxious avoidant relationship and used the tools from her work to get me through that hard time setting goals for the future and navigating putting myself out there again, I cannot recommend her highly enough. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you've found that empowerment through the podcast and Higher Love. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, all of that out of the way.
0:05:50.64 → 0:06:24.14
Let's talk about criticism in Anxious Avoidant relationships. So, as I said in the intro, when it comes to something like criticism, it's really easy to fall into a pattern of self defence. And as I've often said, and this is a line I got from my therapist giving credit where it's due, if you attack someone, they'll defend themselves. And similarly, if we feel attacked, we will defend ourselves, right? That is fairly predictable and reliable, straightforward.
0:06:24.33 → 0:07:22.93
And yet oftentimes we feel very justified in defending ourselves in the face of a perceived attack and we feel very frustrated when people defend themselves in the face of our attacks. Right? It is one of those double standards, but I think that we have to dig a little deeper when we notice criticism coming up in our relationships. And I should say at the outset, criticism is so damaging to relationships, it really very quickly erodes the connection. If the overall tone of your relationship is infused with negativity and criticism and nitpicking and blame and judgement, contempt even, there's no real space for genuine love, connection, care, appreciation, because that negativity tends to take up a lot of space and it tends to give rise to more negativity.
0:07:23.06 → 0:08:12.00
So it's a really very quick downward spiral from that place and it can be hard to get out of. I think a lot of the time, when we're in a bit of a rut and maybe we're both feeling critical of each other, or one person's feeling very critical and the other is withdrawing or turning away from that, it can feel really risky to stop criticising. And this probably leads me into the discussion of how anxious attachment, people with an anxious attachment style might use criticism as a strategy and what need are they trying to meet? And I say they, when really it is we, because I've definitely been guilty of this myself, as always, I am not calling any of this out from a place of judgement, but rather of self awareness. So on the anxious attachment side, what role is criticism playing?
0:08:12.11 → 0:09:04.04
I think what often happens is when we feel like we can't reach someone as an anxiously attached person, and particularly in partnership with an avoidant leaning person, you will often feel like you cannot reach them. Even if you can reach them in moments, you can't reach them all the time. And so the withdrawal of their availability to you feels threatening in some way. And this can be true in a casual setting or in a very long term relationship, but as soon as we feel like we can't reach them, and that leads us to feel some sense of uncertainty or lack of control, then we usually have this escalating, almost ladder of protest behaviours. So we might start with, this will be different for everyone, right?
0:09:04.17 → 0:10:02.08
It'll just depend on your specific brand of protest behaviours and what you have learned basically in the past has worked for you and what hasn't. We all tend to do this pretty subconsciously, but we have our very well sharpened tools in terms of getting our needs met. So it might be sulking, it might be stomping around, it might be huffing, it might be trying to elicit some sort of what's wrong so that we can then let someone know that they've upset us in some way. When that doesn't work, we might escalate and the escalation again might look different for different people. But as we sort of climb this ladder, I think criticism comes up as one of the strategies that maybe before criticism we try pleading or blaming or some sort of asking for something in a way that doesn't work, or we tiptoe around it.
0:10:02.12 → 0:10:40.33
We try to indirectly ask for what we need, but it doesn't quite land. And so then we escalate from there. And by the time we get to criticism, what we're typically doing is I'm in pain, and I want you to be in pain with me so that you know how I feel. Or I'm in pain, and I really need for you to understand how bad you are and agree with me that you are bad so that I feel validated in my pain. And so I might hurl these complaints or criticisms at you, telling you that there's something wrong with you.
0:10:40.40 → 0:11:23.35
Any normal person would know this, or you always do that, or you never do this, and RA in this quite attacking way. But the undercurrent for the anxious person is not, I am attacking you because I think you are terrible. It's I'm attacking you because I'm terrified that I'm losing you and for some reason, attack emerges as a way to get engagement from you. So if I can connect with you via this escalation in my communication, via criticising you and making you see how you've hurt me, then you'll change and then I'll feel safe again. And this can be really real and really big.
0:11:23.42 → 0:12:04.51
We can have this feeling of I'm terrified that if you don't see how much you're hurting me, that you won't change. And I don't think we can survive if you don't change. So I need to get you to change. And when I ask nicely, in my mind, this is all very much story, right? If I ask nicely, you don't do what I want and so I have to ask not so nicely or tell not so nicely, try and control in order that we can work our way back to harmony as I see it, and I can feel safe again, right?
0:12:04.71 → 0:12:38.01
So there's a lot in that. And as I said, it will look different for different people. There'll be different flavours of this, but the undercurrent for the anxious person is I'm trying to criticise you to either get engagement when I feel like you're slipping away, so I might be in an argument and again, I've been guilty of this. Not in my current relationship so much, but definitely in a previous one. If my partner in conflict would leave the room, as he often did, he'd sort of just tap out and storm off and I would just go after him like an animal, right?
0:12:38.05 → 0:13:35.45
I was so incensed and enraged with the fact that he could leave me in that vulnerable moment where I was trying to express something. It felt so abandoning and uncaring that I would follow him. I would follow him around the house and just hurl the awful criticisms at him so that I could get him to see how bad he was and how much he was hurting me. And spoiler alert, that wasn't very effective and usually led him to withdraw further or if he reached some sort of breaking point to start hurling criticisms back at me. But that was really I can look at it now with clear vision and say I was just in this state of total panic that if he was unable to engage with what I was telling him he was doing wrong, and if he continued to invalidate that, then it would go on forever, and my pain would go on forever.
0:13:35.50 → 0:14:14.27
And that terrified me. So I used criticism as a way to try and get that message across, to try and really convey the magnitude and the gravity of the pain that I was in. But again, not a very effective strategy because as soon as we throw those hand grenades, people duck for cover, right? It's just that defensiveness really inhibits any ability to receive the underlying substance of the message or the yearning or the desire or the fear underneath it. The vulnerability just gets cased in attack and venom and all of this stuff that really inhibits the connection that we so desire.
0:14:14.61 → 0:14:48.33
So that's what it tends to look like and be driven by. On the anxious side, on the avoidant side, criticism is a little different, but it's definitely there. And I think that in my observation, of course, avoidant detachment is not my personal experience. So I am speaking from an observer point of view of people I've been in relationship with and worked with. I think that the criticism tends to be either a reaction against feeling controlled.
0:14:48.67 → 0:16:00.25
So if you're feeling like someone's trying to control you, you might notice a real criticism of them and feeling very judgmental of them, really disliking them, almost feeling kind of repulsed by them and feeling critical of everything they do and say and represent. It's like you just feel this really visceral kind of disgust response towards them and can feel very critical about oftentimes quite banal things or quite arbitrary things. So that can be kind of a direct reaction to feeling controlled by them or feeling smothered, feeling suffocated, or it can be a little less direct and can just be sort of part of a broader subconscious distancing strategy. And basically that is a strategy that's going to go about collecting all the evidence as to why the relationship isn't right, why it's not a good relationship, why it's not a good idea. And so you might notice yourself becoming very NIT picky or critical or blaming of just all of these little things, right?
0:16:00.37 → 0:16:50.70
As I said, it's less likely to be a big outburst of criticism that's in a heated moment and it might show up more as an internal voice of doubt. So feeling, as I said, quite critical towards your partner, just all of the things that they do, the things that they like, personality traits, you might start to find those things really unattractive and feel quite judgmental of all of the things that your partner does. You might find yourself very frustrated if they're not doing things right or in the right way or the way that you think would be best. It's sort of like this sense of the ways in which we're different. My brain takes as proof that we are not a good fit because I feel very protective of my way.
0:16:50.83 → 0:17:33.18
And so to the extent that you are different to me, I take that as evidence that you are less than and use that to support my protector story that this relationship is not right and kind of push you away using that criticism. So as we can see, they come up in different ways. Right. The anxious criticism and it's kind of emblematic of the broader dynamic there. The anxious criticism tends to be frantic and panicked and ultimately designed to get connection in this really survival driven way of I am this last resort thing of I need to get you to hear me.
0:17:33.23 → 0:18:23.33
So I'm escalating and I'm going to be critical of you. Whereas the avoidant flavour of criticism tends to be a little bit more under the surface and it tends to be around doubt and uncertainty and creating that distance or disconnection trying to find reasons and evidence that would support our safety strategy. If I need to go back to my aloneness now and I'm justified in doing that and that will be the best thing for me because this person is deficient or not right for me or bad or imperfect in all of these ways and here's all of my evidence to support that. Right, okay, so what do we do with all of that? I think, as always, it comes back to this thing of there's no quick solution.
0:18:23.38 → 0:19:01.70
It's not a switch we can flip off. These protective strategies are with us for a reason and they've served a purpose and we can see the ways in which they are blocking us from getting what we truly desire and maybe blocking us from experiencing safe, loving, healthy, thriving relationships. I think a really good first step. And if you were to kind of take away an action item from today's conversation, if this is something that you notice in yourself is the next time you feel the urge to be critical of your partner, go, okay, what am I trying to achieve with this? Am I trying to control my partner?
0:19:01.76 → 0:19:25.09
Am I feeling out of control and am I trying to get back to control? Am I feeling like I can't reach my partner, like they're slipping away from me? Am I feeling really hurt? And I want my partner to either feel that hurt as well or for them to know how hurt I am. And the only way I feel like I can do that, that I'll be taken seriously, is by getting really escalated.
0:19:25.91 → 0:20:10.73
Am I trying to spot doubts or imperfections in my partner so as to justify my withdrawal as a way to protect my fear? Of vulnerability and intimacy, all of these things. There's a lot in this. And having this lens of curiosity slowing down, rather than taking the surface thing, the surface urge or thought or feeling as true and meaning something about our relationship or our partner, can we instead get curious and create a bit of space and go, okay, what am I afraid would happen if I didn't do this thing? What am I afraid would happen if I wasn't critical or if I didn't say that or do that?
0:20:10.85 → 0:21:00.91
I think that question often leads us to really powerful insights about the purpose that that behaviour is serving in our relationship. And then once we have a little more clarity around, okay, this is what that's actually about for me, then we can start to create choice and we can start to consider what an alternative might look like. Right? So, to give an example on the anxious side, if I'm using criticism as a way to convey how upset I am and how scared I am, can I instead tell you that I'm scared? Can I say to you, I don't want to criticise you, but at the same time I need you to know how important this is to me.
0:21:01.06 → 0:21:18.48
And it's really frightening for me when I feel like I can't reach you or that you're not hearing me because this thing feels so big inside me and I don't know what to do with that. And I really need to know that you hear me. Can you tell me that you hear me? Or something? Right?
0:21:18.58 → 0:21:32.20
But can we say the vulnerable thing rather than the aggressive thing? Because again, attack, defend. That can be your other key takeaway from today's episode. If I attack, they'll defend. And the same goes both ways, right?
0:21:32.33 → 0:21:48.54
So, knowing that, what could I do instead? What would a non attacking version of this feeling look and sound like? And just try it and allow yourself to be in the messiness of it. Right. I personally love the example I just gave.
0:21:48.59 → 0:22:21.74
I love that kind of strategy because all it's doing is basically narrating what's going on inside you rather than acting on the thing. So rather than saying, you never do this, we can say, I notice myself wanting to attack you and I really don't want to do that. But here's what I'm feeling and not saying I'm feeling like you never do this and I'm feeling like you're a terrible partner. No, I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling really worried that you don't hear me or understand me. Right.
0:22:22.43 → 0:23:10.67
And taking responsibility for the stories, sharing vulnerably, what the feelings are, and then waiting through that mess together and finding a way to meet in the middle and find a solution. Again, the more we dig our heels in and commit to needing to find a good guy and a bad guy and right and wrong, we stay in that really oppositional, antagonistic energy, and nothing good comes from that. We don't get the connection that we all so deeply want when we're in that place. I really hope that this conversation has been interesting to you and that it's been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode, it'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating if you're on Spotify or a written review if you're listening on Apple podcasts.
0:23:10.77 → 0:23:17.02
But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you later this week for our Q and A episode. Thanks so much, guys. Take care.
0:23:19.63 → 0:23:42.24
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg.com or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
"How should I bring up moving in together with my avoidant partner?"
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to bring up wanting to move in together with an avoidant partner. This episode will be super helpful for anyone in this same situation, or who is otherwise wanting to have a "what are we?" type chat with their avoidant partner.
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to bring up wanting to move in together with an avoidant partner.
This episode will be super helpful for anyone in this same situation, or who is otherwise wanting to have a "what are we?" type chat with their avoidant partner.
WHAT WE COVER:
mindset shifts for the anxious partner in approaching these conversations
how to own your desires and feel comfortable voicing them
how best to approach these conversations with an avoidant partner
what to do if you're not on the same page
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.33 → 0:00:40.17
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q&A episode and I'm answering the question, how to discuss moving in together with an avoidant partner.
0:00:40.35 → 0:01:22.01
So this is a question that I got via my Instagram stories last week, and I think it's going to be a really useful discussion, not only for people who are in that specific situation. There may be some listening, but it's going to illustrate a broader technique or approach that you can take in. Broaching those maybe sensitive discussions, maybe things that feel intimidating, that feel anxiety inducing. If you're wanting to discuss taking next steps in a relationship, having any sort of where is this going, what are we? Conversation with a partner who does lean towards avoidant attachment and so might have some resistance to those conversations.
0:01:22.11 → 0:02:25.73
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to offer you some reframes on how to do the work behind the scenes for yourself going into that, so that you're not in this really constricted state of anxiety and worry and overthinking and trying to be perfect in the way that you discuss that, because I think that's the tendency. And I'll also give you some really practical tools and strategies in terms of the how to of having that conversation, of starting it, of actually going about navigating those discussions, depending on where it goes, so depending on their response, how you can respond to that, to really optimise your chances of not necessarily getting an outcome. I'm not going to tell you strategically how to broach that conversation in a way that's going to guarantee that you're going to move in together. I think that's unrealistic and unhelpful advice, but rather that you can go into it feeling self assured, feeling confident and trusting that no matter what happens, you'll be able to navigate it together and that ultimately you will have your own back and you will be okay.
0:02:25.82 → 0:02:49.43
So that's what we're talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. Today is the last episode before doors open to healing anxious attachment on Tuesday. Next week my time, so that'll be late Monday. If you're in the Northern Hemisphere, as many of you are, unless you are brand new here, I'm sure you've heard me harping on about healing anxious attachment.
0:02:49.53 → 0:03:48.46
It is my signature course. It's an eight week programme, although you do get lifetime access to all of the modules. And it really does distil down everything that I know, both from personal experience and from working with over 700 people in this specific programme, and more than double that outside of the programme and it really brings together all of the components that you need. The knowledge, the insight, the self awareness, the mindset shifts, the practical tools, the nervous system regulation, all of those things come together to give you a really comprehensive programme that is going to help you repate, rebuild and relearn how to experience relationships in a safe way. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling like you've tried everything, then I really, really encourage you to join the Waitlist in the Show notes that will allow you to access discounted pricing and first access when doors open next week.
0:03:48.48 → 0:04:20.60
And that is exclusive to the people on the waitlist. So make sure that you do jump on the waitlist if you're wanting to join the course or even just give yourself the option to join the course and save $100. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I've been very interested in attachment theory and I've toyed or halfheartedly tried to understand and apply it to my own relationship. I came across Stephanie's podcast during my research and it has brought to life my understanding of attachment theory and my own attachment style, as well as my partner's. Her advice and tips in the podcast are so invaluable and helpful.
0:04:20.66 → 0:04:36.61
She is that wise and realistic voice you need to hear to start healing. I look forward to her episodes every week to deepen that understanding and to continue my journey. I highly, highly recommend this podcast and all of Stephanie's resources. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:04:36.68 → 0:05:24.46
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how would I approach raising the discussion of moving in together with my partner who is avoidant? So I think the starting point, as I foreshadowed in the introduction to this episode, I think some of this is our work. If you're more anxious leaning and you're in this position or a similar situation whereby you want to raise one of those relationship progression conversations or clarifying what the relationship is and where it's going, there's definitely going to be some preparatory work on your part, because that's going to bring up a lot of stuff in you. A lot of fear, a lot of anxiety.
0:05:24.60 → 0:06:05.74
I think what can happen is we can be so convinced of how they're going to respond to something, what they're going to think and feel, that we have this anticipatory anxiety. We think we know how it's going to go before we've even taken the tiniest little step towards it. And so we're so braced for that outcome that our system is already gearing up to self protect in whatever way it knows how. So whether that's by being critical or by fawning or collapsing or dismissing ourselves or suppressing what it is we really want and feel. We have all of these strategies in our toolbox, and we're already so primed to have to lean on them.
0:06:05.79 → 0:06:28.86
And those strategies, while they can help us and they have helped us in the past, oftentimes when we zoom out a bit, we can see how they're blocking us from getting what we want. And that is particularly true in these kinds of vulnerable conversations. So I think a really important first step is to go, okay, here's my desire. I want to move in with my partner. Okay?
0:06:28.98 → 0:06:56.71
I need to not make myself wrong for that. I need to not cloak that in shame or oh, I'm being too needy, I'm being too clingy, I'm being too whatever. That's a perfectly legitimate thing to desire in your relationship. That doesn't mean that your partner is necessarily going to be on the same page as you and be ready to move at the same pace. But I think an important prerequisite to having this conversation is really being okay with the fact that that's your desire.
0:06:56.81 → 0:07:44.97
Because when you're insecure about the desire, then again, you're going to be really protective of it, and you're probably going to try and make them wrong for being different to you to the extent that they're not on the same page. So the more you can just stand firm and grounded and calm in the fact that you want to move in with your partner, which is a beautiful thing, then I think that that kind of softens your energy going into the conversation. At the same time, I think it is really important to understand that your partner may not be on the same page as you. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love you, they're not committed to you, they don't care about you, that you love them more than they love you. I think we just need to really watch the meaning making processes that our brain will jump to so quickly in this kind of conversation.
0:07:45.02 → 0:08:16.17
Right? Because it's natural to be sensitive to rejection and to feel hurt if we're wanting to move forward and someone else isn't meeting us in that desire. But I think the more that we make that mean something about the relationship at a fundamental level, then the more likely we are to again come out with these protective strategies that might block us from having a productive conversation. So I think that something helpful to do is clarify for yourself, why is this important to me? Why do I want to move in together with my partner?
0:08:16.51 → 0:08:36.92
How important is it to me? What would that mean for us? What would be different if we live together? How would that impact me and our relationship? Just getting a little bit more clarity for yourself around the significance of this thing and why that is something that you desire so that you're better able to explain that to your partner.
0:08:37.03 → 0:09:23.77
Again, open, vulnerable, not carrying a lot of emotional density and judgement and control, just sharing. I would really love this because of X-Y-Z and having that conversation. I think another really important tip is while you should clarify your thinking ahead of the conversation because I think it's really good to know broadly what you want to say and why it's important to you. Try not to be too rigid around scripting the perfect Oscar award winning speech and needing to deliver it in the perfect way so that you get the desired outcome. I get questions like this from anxious people all the time and it's how should I say this thing?
0:09:23.81 → 0:10:36.40
And I think people do kind of want a script. And while I understand that that can be helpful in feeling a little more prepared going into these conversations where otherwise you can spin out and get overwhelmed, I think the more we script it for ourselves and put that pressure on ourselves to almost perform perfectly, then not only do we rob ourselves of the opportunity to be open and curious and genuinely listen, rather than being really narrow in our expectation and our desire for where the conversation goes, we also then are creating the illusion that we're in control of where the conversation goes. And what that does is mean that if they don't respond the way we want, it's our fault because we didn't deliver it properly, because we didn't do our part properly. Whereas if you can go into it with the mindset of all I can do is honestly and vulnerably, share where I'm at and what I want, and then I can listen, and then I can respond and continue to let that unfold as it will, then it's much less on your shoulders to manage where the conversation goes and how it
0:10:36.42 → 0:10:44.31
goes. And I think again as more anxious leaning people, your tendency is going to be to want to take responsibility, to want to control.
0:10:44.51 → 0:11:27.94
And while that is a way that we try and keep ourselves safe again, it not only blocks us from getting what we want a lot of the time, but it then creates a lot of shame and inadequacy in the system. So with those mindset pieces out of the way and just to recap, those were things like get really clear about your desires, own those desires, feel comfortable with those desires and certainly don't go into it with any sense of shame or self judgement around the desires. Watch the meaning making. So don't preemptively go oh, if they say no, it's because they don't love me, it's because they don't care, it's because they're not committed to me. And also try not to be too perfectionistic and narrow minded about how the conversation has to go.
0:11:27.99 → 0:11:51.95
Try and be quite open. I want to now turn to giving you some specific tips strategies on how to actually go to that conversation. So I recorded an episode a couple of weeks ago around how to have hard conversations with an avoidant partner. So that's definitely a good one to revisit if you are in this situation. And those tips and tools will be really helpful here as well.
0:11:52.10 → 0:12:16.27
But the kinds of things you're going to be looking for be selective in your timing for this. Right. Again, find the middle ground. We don't want to be overly tiptoeing or walking on eggshells or feeling like we've got to find the perfect moment. But if you're really stressed and heightened, that's not a good time because your nervous system is going to be sending so much information to their nervous system that you're already going to be in this threatened state.
0:12:16.36 → 0:12:36.58
Both of you are going to be dysregulated going into that conversation and that is not what we want. So choose your moment, wait till you're grounded and don't ambush them with the conversation. Right. Particularly for an avoidant partner. They're not going to want anything where they feel suffocated or overwhelmed or backed into a corner.
0:12:36.69 → 0:13:20.02
So really asking for permission, hey, there's something I'd like to chat to you about. When would be a good time and if that's in a week or three, let it be when it will be. Obviously again with accountability and making sure you do actually get to have the conversation, but not in a way that feels like their backs up against the wall because that's going to put them on the defensive straight out of the caden. That is obviously not conducive to the kind of conversation we want to have here. I think the other thing is try and really be curious and open minded into what their position is rather than, as I said, attacking them or trying to control or manipulate them to the extent that they're not on the same page as you.
0:13:20.12 → 0:14:00.03
Try and actually hear what they're saying. Try and understand what their concerns are or their reservations are and be open to rather than just doubling down on your position and being forceful with that. Is there some middle ground that isn't just my way or your way, figuring out what that might look like and putting it to them, not just putting it on yourself to come up with the solution? Really collaboratively going, okay, what might this look like for us? Now, to give you a specific kind of example of how this might go, Because I think a lot of the time what will happen is anxious person wants to move in together, suggests that to avoidant partner.
0:14:00.08 → 0:14:53.22
Avoidant partner says, I don't think we're there yet because they might have reservations around, something like that because that's going to be a big deal for most avoidant people to give up their space, their independence, their autonomy, and to really merge with someone in quite a literal sense that's going to feel really edgy for them. So it will take them longer in most cases than it will take an anxious person to be ready for that. If that happens and they say, I don't think we're there yet, rather than being hurt and lashing out, could you potentially have sympathy for that and go, okay, fair enough. Can we revisit this in three months time or six months time? And if they say, oh, I don't really want to put a deadline on it, let's just see how we go, that's the point at which you can go, I hear you, and I understand that you don't want to feel controlled or pressured.
0:14:53.36 → 0:15:38.05
At the same time, it's really hard for me to just feel kind of open ended and like, I don't know where this is going. It doesn't have to be a decision we make right now, but it would be really helpful for me if we had some sort of structure around when we're going to revisit the conversation so it doesn't feel like this thing looming over us that I don't have any visibility over. So really asserting that need and going, I understand it doesn't have to be today and it doesn't have to be tomorrow, but it would be really supportive for me if we could agree to revisit this conversation in whatever period of time makes sense. So that is how you set a boundary, right? Again, I think so many people go, oh no, a boundary means I have to declare an ultimatum and say it's now or never, and do some big dramatic storm out.
0:15:38.17 → 0:16:11.51
No, the boundary can just be going, okay, I hear you, but here's my needs, so how can we meet in the middle? That is how you build healthy relationships based on trust and mutual respect. So I hope that that has been helpful in giving you not only the mindset stuff, but also some more practical tools and strategies. If you found this helpful again, I really do encourage you to sign up for Healing Anxious Attachment when it opens next week. Not only do you get eight modules of video lessons, workbooks, meditations from me, but we also have two live Q&A calls.
0:16:11.53 → 0:16:44.90
So you can come on live with me and bring questions like this or anything else that you're struggling with and get live coaching from me. So if that's something that appeals to you and you are looking to make some changes and get some support, I really, really do encourage you to join the waitlist and sign up to your Healing Anxious Attachment next week when doors open. And if you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful if you can, leave a five star rating. If you're listening on Spotify, leave a review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, it really does help so much, and I'm so grateful to all of you for your ongoing support of the podcast.
0:16:45.09 → 0:17:09.12
Thanks so much for joining me, everybody, and I look forward to seeing you next week. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you're enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:17:09.18 --> 0:17:13.88
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
"What's the difference between privacy and secrecy in relationships?"
In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between privacy and secrecy. Depending on where you sit on the attachment spectrum, you may have a complicated relationship with privacy - both your own and others'. We'll discuss where the line is between privacy and secrecy, and what to do if you find other people's privacy uncomfortable or triggering.
In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between privacy and secrecy.
Depending on where you sit on the attachment spectrum, you may have a complicated relationship with privacy - both your own and others'. We'll discuss where the line is between privacy and secrecy, and what to do if you find other people's privacy uncomfortable or triggering.
WHAT WE COVER:
what's the difference between privacy and secrecy?
anxious attachment and the need for information to eliminate uncertainty
the trust wound
avoidant attachment and protectiveness around privacy
important caveats where there has been a known breach of trust
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:37.59
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the question of when does privacy become secrecy?
0:00:38.03 → 0:01:24.42
Where is the line between privacy and secrecy? How can we navigate this? And how can we probably become more comfortable with reasonable levels of privacy without experiencing privacy as secrecy? And I'm really talking to my anxiously attached listeners there because without giving too much away of what we're going to talk about today, I'm sure you can relate to feeling really uncomfortable with privacy and probably feeling like privacy is secrecy. So we're going to be talking about that, what the difference is between the two, how you can become more trusting of reasonable boundaries around privacy, and also some caveats to privacy versus secrecy when there has been a breach of trust.
0:01:24.55 → 0:01:51.40
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just a reminder again, that my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is opening up for early bird enrollment in about ten days for those on the waitlist. So if you're interested, definitely join the waitlist. That will ensure that you get notified when doors open and will also allow you to access the early bird price, which is exclusive to those on the waitlist.
0:01:51.46 → 0:02:26.66
So the link to that is in the show notes, if you're interested, and I definitely encourage you to cheque it out. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I discovered the On Attachment podcast a few weeks ago and I've been listening to it at every opportunity since. Stephanie's helped me understand why it feels like I spin out and why my self esteem plummets at certain times in my life and recognising these triggers has already helped me to self soothe and make choices to keep myself on track. The podcast has brought me closer to my partner and also, strangely, to my parents. It's allowed my parents and I to understand our dynamic as a family and to communicate and support one another better.
0:02:26.76 → 0:02:44.48
It's also helping my parents navigate their anxious avoidance cycle. I'm realising that my anxious attachment style has ruled my life and my emotions in so many ways since I was a kid. And I'm so looking forward to joining the next Healing Anxious Attachment course this month. Thank you so much, Stephanie. Thank you so much for that beautiful review.
0:02:44.61 → 0:03:02.74
That is so lovely to hear that not only you're having those experiences of growth and transformation, but that it's rippling out to the relationships in your life and your family and your parents. That's really, really amazing. And humbling. So thank you for sharing that. It's put a big smile on my face.
0:03:02.79 → 0:03:54.85
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes, which will be a nice supplement to the healing anxious attachment course if you do end up joining this month. Okay, so with that out of the way, let's dive into this conversation about privacy and secrecy. So as a starting point, I think we need to distinguish between what privacy is and what secrecy is. And while the specific content of privacy versus secrecy is likely to be contextually specific, I think it's useful to define them by reference to the energy or the intention behind it. And in my mind, privacy is my partner doesn't need to know about this, but they could, and it wouldn't be a problem, whereas secrecy is.
0:03:54.89 → 0:04:36.84
I have to make sure they don't find out about this, because if they did, it would be a problem. Okay, so secrecy has this quality of concealment. I have done something that is in breach of some boundary or agreement which is overt or implied in our relationship. I've done something in breach of that, and I've got to go about making sure my partner doesn't find out because there would be adverse consequences for our relationship if they were to find out. Whereas privacy is just I don't need to share every single thought, feeling, movement, everything I do in a day, everything I think and feel, I don't need to share that with my partner, and I don't need them to share that with me.
0:04:37.29 → 0:04:56.93
So that's the starting point, right? And it's really important to understand that privacy is a good thing. Privacy is important. Privacy is a feature or a byproduct of having healthy boundaries in a relationship. Where this gets really tricky is when we overlay attachment dynamics onto it, which is often the case, right?
0:04:57.02 → 0:06:00.17
We can have the base conversation and then we have the attachment overlay where it gets a little bit more complicated and charged. So on the anxious side, in my experience, privacy feels like secrecy because we have oftentimes a trust wound and we have this anxiety and we have this real struggle around uncertainty. And so our anxiety will tell us that the antidote to uncertainty is information, and gathering as much information as possible is going to alleviate the anxiety, and that's how we're going to get to safety. Unfortunately, what that means is someone else's reasonable privacy feels threatening to us, and that can lead us to be invasive and intrusive and do things like snoop or pry or ask probing questions of someone. And if you're in a relationship with someone who leans more avoidant, they're likely to have a really protective response to that.
0:06:00.21 → 0:06:51.80
Because if we walk around to the other side of the street and we look at how avoidant leaning people relate to privacy and secrecy. We know that for avoidant people a sense of self and clear autonomy and independence and not feeling controlled, that's really important to them, feeling safe in a relationship. So they're likely to lean heavily on privacy as their right, as something that they're entitled to, and they're likely to be very protective of that. So to the extent that their partner, who might be more anxious leaning, starts to push the boundaries of that because they're feeling anxious and their partner's privacy feels threatening to them, they're going to double down on that privacy. And really push them away, which is going to send alarm bells ringing for the anxious person going, oh, no, they're really hiding something because they're not just opening the kimono, so to speak.
0:06:51.98 → 0:07:37.05
So what do we do with that? I think that this is a much bigger conversation than I can get into in a short Q and A episode. But I think the essence of this one is if you are more anxious leaning and you notice that privacy is triggering for you, someone else having privacy, that's a good sign that you need to work on your own boundaries. Because I suppose the flip side of this is you're likely to not protect your own privacy very much. And I think that a lot of anxious people tend to be like an extreme open book, tend to over disclose, tend to offer everything up very early in a relationship because there's this story that to tell someone everything, that's how we build connection, right?
0:07:37.25 → 0:08:07.45
That if I just kind of disclose everything and tell you all of my secrets or whatever, if I just share everything with you, that's how I build connection with you. And so privacy is not something that you're likely to value so much for yourself. Which again, reinforces the fact that someone else's valuing of their privacy is offensive, is threatening, is hurtful, is them pushing you away, is them not wanting to connect with you. Okay? But we really need to recognise here what of that is our stuff.
0:08:07.64 → 0:08:55.12
And I'd say in that circumstance, when it is just healthy levels of privacy, there's no reason to be suspicious of anything of concern. I think that's our responsibility to get curious about, to increase our tolerance for that. And that's really our work around uncertainty and the ways that we try to manage uncertainty through control. Okay, so if you're more anxious leaning and you are nodding in self recognition here, that's your work, right, is to do the work around what's my relationship to uncertainty and control and vulnerability? Because I think a lot of the time, and this is an important point, we seek transparency, all the information, as a substitute for trust, right?
0:08:55.14 → 0:09:24.22
We tell ourselves that if we know everything, then we'll be able to decide whether or not to trust. And that really defeats the purpose of trust. It undermines the whole premise of trust, which involves an element of the unknown. It involves uncertainty, it involves vulnerability. So if the only reason you trust someone is because you are satisfied that you have gathered all the information that there is to know and there's nothing to lead you to believe that you shouldn't trust them, that's actually kind of missing the point.
0:09:24.27 → 0:09:46.72
That's not really trust, that's just control. And it's very flimsy because it commits you to having to keep gathering all of the information all the time in order to keep assessing whether or not you can trust. Okay? So that is your growth edge. If you're someone who does lean, more anxious or otherwise, but you know that you struggle with other people's privacy, that is really where your work is.
0:09:46.90 → 0:10:26.13
Now, the caveat to all of this is where there has been a known breach of trust in a relationship, an obvious example being infidelity in those circumstances, it may be reasonable to forego a level of privacy for a period of time while trust is rebuilt. So, for example, if your partner was caught doing something on their phone sexting with someone or was still on dating apps or something like that, and that was a breach of trust in your relationship? That was a breach? Of the boundaries of your relationship, then for a period of time after that, it may be reasonable for you to agree that they don't get privacy around their phone. Right?
0:10:26.17 → 0:11:33.46
That they have to sacrifice that and commit to a level of transparency, meaning actually volunteering information that would be more than regular levels of privacy would require in order to rebuild trust. And the onus really needs to be on them, on the person who has betrayed trust to give up those privileges for a period of time in order to go above and beyond to rebuild the trust. So I think that that's an important qualifier to this conversation around privacy. Trust and secrecy is that the starting point should be privacy, but where you've been given a valid reason to not trust in the safety of privacy, then that might be a conversation to be had and something to negotiate. And I really encourage you to probably seek out the support of a couple's therapist or someone who can be a neutral third party to help you manage that, because it can get really charged and highly emotional and can be really challenging to navigate on your own.
0:11:33.56 → 0:12:12.59
So I hope that that's been helpful for you in answering this question of what's the difference between privacy and secrecy? Where's the line between them and what's reasonable, what's healthy, what's unhealthy? And if you recognise that in yourself that healthy privacy feels unsafe for you, then that's a really good sign that there's some work to be done around the trust wound and your relationship to uncertainty and control. And that's very much fertile ground for self exploration. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a quick review if you're listening on Apple podcasts or a five star rating.
0:12:12.64 → 0:12:34.09
If you're listening on Spotify, it really does help so much. Otherwise, I will see you again next week. Thanks so much for joining me guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram, @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com.
0:12:34.21 → 0:12:43.34
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Ways to Support a Fearful Avoidant Partner
In today's episode, I'm sharing 5 ways to support a partner with a fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment style. The fearful avoidant attachment style is often considered the most complex and challenging of the attachment styles, characterised by a conflicting push-pull between wanting intimacy and fearing it.
In today's episode, I'm sharing 5 ways to support a partner with a fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment style.
The fearful avoidant attachment style is often considered the most complex and challenging of the attachment styles, characterised by a conflicting push-pull between wanting intimacy and fearing it.
WHAT WE COVER:
the betrayal wound and the importance of honesty & openness in building trust
striking the right balance between compassion & firm boundaries
how to make the fearful avoidant feel loved & appreciated
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:38.09 → 0:01:20.06
So this episode has been much requested and has been a long time coming. I recorded a couple of episodes last year that were how to support an anxious partner and how to support an avoidant partner. But I never quite got around to doing a standalone episode for the fearful avoidant partner and I think it's fair to say that there are enough differences and points of distinction between fearful avoidant and a more classic dismissive avoidant attachment that it's very much worthy of its own episode to dive into those. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And I'll say at the outset that this is very personal because I am in relationship with someone who has a fearful avoidant attachment style.
0:01:20.09 → 0:02:00.21
So this is very much drawn from personal experience and I have run these five tips past my partner, Joel, and had his sign off. So I've got my in house consultant on fearful avoidant attachment. So there you go. You can know when you're listening to this, that not only does it have that tick of approval, but it's also very much coming from the perspective of me and in my relationship, having found ways to navigate and create healthy, secure connection, despite those attachment, fears, insecurities and what could be described as quote unquote, problem behaviours. Although I don't really like that term, but you know what I mean.
0:02:00.36 → 0:02:41.50
Me, of course, having done a lot of work, but definitely leaning anxious in the way that I experience my own attachment fears and behaviours, and my partner very much being in that fearful avoiding camp, we've managed to overcome those starting points and build something really beautiful. So I give you these tips, not as a hypothetical, but really as almost an audit of what has worked really well for us. So I thought I'd share that, just to give a little bit of extra context and take it out of the abstract a bit. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my Signature Course, is opening for enrollment in less than two weeks.
0:02:41.63 → 0:03:02.70
At the time of recording, there are over 900 people on the waitlist, which is amazing. I'm so touched to see how many people are interested in the course. For those who are new to the podcast and to my work, there are a lot of you recently. Healing anxious attachment is my signature course. It's an eight week programme, but you have lifetime access to all of the materials.
0:03:02.81 → 0:03:41.54
This will be the fourth time that I'm running it and it really distils down everything that I know, teach, have practised myself and have guided so many other people through in moving from anxious attachment to a more secure way of experiencing relationships. So it's a very powerful programme and I highly recommend jumping on that waitlist via the link in the show notes if you're interested. Being on the Waitlist will just ensure that you get first access when registration opens and you'll also save $100. So if you're interested, definitely join the Waitlist just to give yourself the option. One stores open in less than two weeks.
0:03:42.15 → 0:04:00.69
The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is are you listening to my thoughts? I swear, it's like Stephanie knows exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and what's happening in my relationship. I've never listened to a podcast, audiobook or read a book that is this in line with my headspace? Everything offered is so incredibly helpful to the anxious mindset. So glad I found this.
0:04:00.73 → 0:04:09.43
Thank you. Thank you for that review. I always laugh when people say that because I do hear it a lot. Are you inside my head? How do you know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling?
0:04:09.59 → 0:04:47.29
And the honest answer is because I have had the same thoughts and feelings most of the time when I'm giving examples, they're drawn from my own experience. So you can rest assured that I have been very much there in the trenches with you. And to the extent that it feels like I'm inside your head, it's really just because I'm inside my own and I 100% understand what it's like. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, so with all of that out of the way, let's dive into five tips for supporting a fearful avoidant partner.
0:04:47.47 → 0:05:19.50
And just before I get into these five tips, I want to say that this is not about one person doing all of the heavy lifting in a relationship in terms of providing the emotional support, providing the stability, providing the regulation. Of course, we want to have a level of balance there. We want to have a level of investment and participation on both sides. And I know that the common complaint from anxious people is, why do I have to be the one supporting them? When are they going to support me?
0:05:19.68 → 0:06:01.48
I totally understand that. And as I mentioned earlier, this is one of a series of episodes. I do have episodes around what you can do as the partner to an anxious person to be more supportive. So it's not intended to suggest that it is your job to create safety for your partner, that it's your job to stabilise them, that it's your job to manage their emotional experience, their woundedness, their behaviour. It's not your job and at the same time, of course, in a relationship, we want to be supporting our partner and we want to be creating the space for them and us to grow and thrive together.
0:06:01.58 → 0:06:35.30
So it's one of those areas where both of the things can be true, it's not your job. And I would say that in a healthy relationship, we do want to be interested in the ways in which we can support our partner. With that being said, let's dive into these five tips. So the first tip that I want to offer you is this in your relationship with your fearful avoidant partner, prioritise honesty, openness and demonstrable trustworthiness whenever you can. So most fearful avoidant people have a strong betrayal wound.
0:06:35.44 → 0:07:15.35
Now, they might not have this in a conscious way, they might not say like, oh yeah, I've got a betrayal wound, I think everyone's going to betray me. But there does tend to be this sense of people can't be trusted and this real sense of guardedness and wariness around what it means to trust someone. So for a lot of fearful avoidant people, they will experience a resistance to that, a sense of if I trust you, you're going to hurt me. And if anything, the closer we get, the more power you have to hurt me. And so I'm even more wary of trusting the people that I really love and care about because of that power that they have to hurt me.
0:07:15.42 → 0:07:58.32
And that really stems from the origin story. For most fearful avoidant people is some sort of early environment where they were simultaneously drawn to and afraid of their primary caregivers. So I need you and I depend on you and I want to be close to you, but when I'm close to you, I feel like I can't trust in the safety of that connection and I need to pull away because I feel afraid. So there's this sense of the people who I'm closest to and who I love most and who I need are also the people with the power to hurt me most. So because of that, there is this real sense of guardedness.
0:07:58.46 → 0:08:39.02
And so in being the partner to someone with that wound, the way that you can be sensitive to it and to really support them, to heal that wound, is to be really honest and open and trustworthy by showing them, I have nothing to hide, I'm here, you can depend on me. And that's not going to be to your detriment to do that. I'm not trying to trick you, I'm not trying to betray you. And certainly to the extent that you show yourself to me or you depend on me, I'm not going to make you regret that, right? I'm not going to use that against you in any way.
0:08:39.12 → 0:09:26.32
I'm going to prove myself as being a safe space for you to be vulnerable and to really build that trust in both directions. So prioritising that honesty, openness and trustworthiness. And I would say kind of as a corollary to that, not being judgmental of them at all, really allowing them to let down their guard and be themselves will be really supportive and really healing for them. Okay, the next tip that I want to offer you is encourage your partner to voice their needs and boundaries proactively rather than reactively or once there's been some kind of rapture. So if you've been around for a while or you've gone back and listened to that episode around supporting an anxious partner, I gave a similar version of this.
0:09:26.45 → 0:10:02.42
So when it comes to needs and boundaries, this is an area where the fearful avoidant very much exhibits traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment. And they kind of pull from each and swing between extremes. So what I mean by that is initially a fearful avoidant person will typically suppress their needs, not voice their boundaries. Try and people, please try and make everyone happy. I don't want to upset anyone by asking for space, for example, oh, if I ask my partner for space, they're going to take it personally and they're going to get upset with me and I don't want to hurt them.
0:10:02.44 → 0:10:32.39
So I just won't ask for space. I'll just go with whatever they want, right? So that's the more typical anxious response of kind of fawning of deferring to the other person, of just going with the flow because I don't want to rock the boat. But what happens to the fearful avoidant is ultimately they reach boiling point and they get to this point where they really do need whatever it is they need. They need space, they need time to themselves, but they snap.
0:10:32.73 → 0:11:25.21
And so they then have this big response, and that snap tends to come out as a more avoidant response. So they might pull away, they might get angry, they might withdraw, they might try and leave the relationship, but it'll be this really big disproportionate response because they've been suppressing and suppressing and the volcano has been rumbling and then comes the eruption. Now, where that differs from an anxious person is that while anxious people tend to also suppress and then erupt, the eruption tends to be in an effort to connect. So it's this sense of, you don't even care about me, subtext, please care about me, please meet my needs, please see me, please listen to me. For the fearful avoidant, it tends to be you're trying to control me or you don't care about my needs and that's why I need to get away from you because you're not safe.
0:11:25.31 → 0:12:19.84
So you can see how they diverge in that respect and how the fearful avoidant leans on their more avoidant parts and their more avoidant strategies at the point of trigger. And that's when they pull away and have a big defensive and protective response. So all of that to say, if you as their partner, can really proactively, create a safe space and create a culture in your relationship where it is safe to talk about needs and boundaries and safe to express those and really honouring each other's needs and boundaries, then that is going to be really supportive for your partner. And again, that's going to help them in unlearning the old way, which can lead to really destructive behaviours and relearning something that's a bit more self responsible and conducive to healthy relationships. So what we wouldn't want to be doing here, for example, is making them feel bad for needing space.
0:12:19.99 → 0:12:51.15
Right? Again, I keep coming back to this example because it's definitely been one in my relationship. When we were first dating, my partner did feel really reluctant to voice his need for space because he was worried he would upset me. But what that would lead to is him not voicing his need for space but then reaching a point where he just had to take space but he wasn't communicating to me. And so I was left thinking that something was wrong because he was having this bigger reaction to the fact that he hadn't asked for what he needed.
0:12:51.35 → 0:13:28.34
And so it's almost like the part of him that really needed that space was just grabbing the wheel and driving the bus off a cliff because it felt ignored. And so we've now gotten to the point where we're able to talk about that and negotiate it and it's not threatening to either of us anymore. And that allows us to navigate our togetherness and our separateness in a way that meets both of our needs and that doesn't feel stressful or intimidating for us to talk about. Okay? So the next tip that I want to offer you is this find the middle ground between compassion and firm boundaries.
0:13:28.53 → 0:14:21.12
So this is really universal relationship advice. I've often talked about the need to toe that line between compassion for other people's pain and firm boundaries and accountability for poor behaviour. And nowhere is that more true than in this kind of relationship dynamic with someone who can have a lot of volatility, who can have a lot of reactivity, and who can engage in destructive behaviour. So what we want to do here is go, okay, I'm not going to make you into the villain, I'm not going to throw insults at you, I'm not going to say that there's something wrong with you. I can understand and have compassion for the inner turmoil that you're experiencing and how hard this is for you at the same time as having really clear boundaries around the kinds of behaviour that are not acceptable to me that don't work for me in relationship.
0:14:21.65 → 0:15:08.97
So an example of that might be if your partner does get triggered and pulls away and gives you the silent treatment for five days right, you can go, okay, I understand that you're in some sort of storm internally and that must be really hard and at the same time, that really doesn't work for me. That's not fair to me and it causes me a great deal of anxiety to feel like I can't reach you, to not know where we stand, for you to be refusing to engage with me. And so going forward, if we're going to be in this relationship, we need to find a better way of navigating that situation where you are really triggered that doesn't just leave me scrambling and alone and anxious. Right? So it's that combination, right.
0:15:09.01 → 0:15:30.96
I recognise that this is hard for you. I recognise that you might not be trying to hurt me, but that is the result of this behaviour and so we need to put some boundaries in place. So it really is that thing of can I have compassion for you without creating excuses for you? And as a side note, if you're more anxious, the boundaries piece is absolutely essential for you. And that will be your growth edge.
0:15:31.02 → 0:16:03.04
Because your tendency once you learn about their struggles and the things that are hard for them, your tendency is probably to overcompensate on the compassion and maybe let the boundaries go to go, oh, it's just because they are feeling this thing, or because they're scared of that or blah, blah, blah, right? Yes. We can absolutely have that empathy and compassion while also going, yeah, great, you're scared and this is how that makes me feel and that doesn't work for me. Right. We don't want to lose ourselves in the process of being compassionate and empathetic.
0:16:03.17 → 0:16:30.00
So have compassion while also holding onto those firm boundaries. That is both for you and for them. This is really important, okay. In my relationship, having those firm boundaries with my partner when there have been moments where he's engaged in behaviour that hasn't worked for me, that's been really important for me in not losing myself, right? In not, again, just suppressing my stuff in order to caretake for him or to accommodate his ups and downs.
0:16:30.06 → 0:17:07.22
But it's also been really, really important for him because it creates a level of accountability and there's actually a lot of trust and respect that is baked into a firm boundary, communicated with love, because it's saying, I'm here, I see you, I love you. And if we're going to make this work, here's what needs to happen, right? It is actually a commitment to making the relationship work rather than an effort to control someone or dictate to them how they have to behave or whatever else. Right? And having that firm loving boundary has been really helpful for my partner, in course, correcting him and going, okay, fair enough.
0:17:07.83 → 0:17:35.50
When I behave like that, that isn't fair to my partner. And I do love and care about this person and I don't want to jeopardise this. So it can kind of emerge as the voice of reason that brings the fearful avoidant back to centre and clarifies for them. What it is they really want and really encourages them to take responsibility in a way that feels safe. So the boundaries are for both of you and are really, really important in making this relationship work.
0:17:35.63 → 0:17:53.07
Okay, so the next tip is show that you recognise how much they care. Because they do. I mean, of course there's going to be individual variation. I can't speak for every single relationship and every single person, but on the whole, people with a fearful avoidance attachment style are deeply caring. They really are.
0:17:53.11 → 0:18:46.85
They're very emotional and they do care about the people they love so much. So when they're in relationship and they feel like they're being told all of the ways all the time that they're doing it wrong and that they're not enough or that they keep making mistakes, they keep hurting someone, they can feel really demoralised. And that really feeds into their inner critic, which typically is pretty relentless, their sense of guilt and shame, which runs rampant. And that can really lead them to pull away from a relationship and they pull away often from a place of I don't want to hurt this person, I see how much I'm hurting them. So they can have a lot of, as I said, that inner critic, that self blame, that sense of brokenness and defectiveness can be really profound for their fearful avoidant.
0:18:46.93 → 0:19:42.03
So what you can do as their partner to support them and to counteract some of that self criticism, that they tend to be pretty harsh on themselves, is really show that you recognise how much they care. Show that you recognise their effort, the ways that they show love, the ways that they show up for you, all of the things that you appreciate, admire, respect about them. Because I can tell you that internally, the scales are tipped so far in favour of all of the negatives and that will be irrespective of what you're doing. That will be their internal dialogue in 99% of cases. So if you can really lead with showing them how much you really care for, respect, admire, appreciate them, that's going to be really healing for them and will go a long way in helping with all the other stuff, right?
0:19:42.12 → 0:20:05.16
Cultivating trust, allowing them to feel safe, to voice needs and so on and so forth. So be proactive in voicing those things. Now, again, that's good relationship advice across the board, but it's certainly really important in this case. And last but not least, as much as possible, try to be patient with them. Now, I know that that might feel like unfair advice and I get that.
0:20:05.34 → 0:20:48.21
And that advice is 100% subject to the need to have firm boundaries, the need to create accountability, the need to advocate for yourself. I'm certainly not suggesting that your patience should mean making excuses for bad behaviour, for breaches of trust, for anything like that, but within reason, can you be patient with your partner? Can you understand how deep this stuff runs? Can you understand that when they are acting out, they are acting out from a place of visceral fear and that it will take time to repatten that and to rewire that and to rebuild that and learn new ways of being. So it's not something that's going to happen overnight.
0:20:48.26 → 0:21:39.62
It's not something that they can just flip a switch off the back of one conversation that you guys have about needs and boundaries and all of a sudden it's going to be fixed, right? If you've listened to my work for a while, you know that for you author them, this stuff runs deep. And it is, it's visceral, primal, fear based stuff and it's often not the domain of our rational brain. So giving them some grace and being patient while, as I said, still having boundaries and still creating accountability, but not saying, I told you not to storm out of the room when you get frustrated. Yes, of course, in an ideal world, we'd only have to have those conversations once, but again, within reason, I think we have to be understanding of the fact that it does take time to shift these things.
0:21:39.72 → 0:22:32.06
And the more that we can foster that change from a place of love and acceptance and care and respect, the more effective that's going to be. And I promise you that whatever frustration you have with your partner pales in comparison to the frustration they have with themselves. That is, again, I would say true in 99% of cases. For the fearful avoidant, they really are so hard on themselves. And so, as much as possible, if you can be patient, if you can show them that you're not going anywhere, that you're there for them, that you love them, you see them and you accept them, while also striving for growth together and separately, that will really pay dividends for your connection and your bond together.
0:22:32.51 → 0:23:01.72
So I hope that that's been helpful. Whether you're listening as someone in relationship with a fearful avoidant partner, whether you are fearful avoidant yourself and you might want to share this with a partner, or whether you're listening as a bystander, and it might just give you some food for thought in your own relationship. So, as always, I'd be super grateful if you could leave a five star rating or a review. It really does help so much, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode. Thanks guys.
0:23:03.21 → 0:23:25.76
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
“I’m anxious, he’s avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?”
In this episode, I'm answering the question of "I'm anxious, he's avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?"
In this episode, I'm answering the question of "I'm anxious, he's avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?"
WHAT WE COVER:
anxious-avoidant sexual dynamics
the sexual honeymoon period and what happens afterward
why avoidant partners withdraw sexually
how anxiously attached people use sex for validation
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:37.36 → 0:01:03.07
Is it weird that I want more sex than him? So this is something that I get asked a lot, and I have touched on this dynamic before on the show, but given the frequency with which I get variations on this question, I think it's important to devote a whole episode to unpacking it. And spoiler alert, it's not weird at all. This dynamic is actually extremely common. I would say more common than not.
0:01:03.19 → 0:01:53.61
So if you are someone in an anxious avoidant relationship and you have noticed a mismatch in Libido that looks like the anxious partner wanting sex a lot more than the avoidant partner does, rest assured, you're not alone. It's actually very, very common. So I'm hoping that in today's episode, I can unpack for you why that's not weird, why it actually makes a lot of sense, and what the drivers are of that dynamic and how you can work with it rather than exacerbating it. Because I think most people, without the knowledge and awareness of what's going on, will personalise this dynamic and act out from a place of hurt and make it a lot worse. And that can be really challenging because we get stuck there.
0:01:53.65 → 0:02:17.73
So that's what we're talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just another reminder that the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment is open, as at the time of recording, there are over 500 people already on the waitlist, which is amazing for anyone who's new around here, and I know there are a lot of you who are new. Healing anxious attachment is my signature programme. It's an eight week course.
0:02:17.93 → 0:02:50.63
I run it a couple of times a year and being on the waitlist is a no obligation thing. It's just that you'll get notified first when doors open and you'll also access discounted pricing for enrollment, so definitely cheque that out. If you're keen to know more, the link is in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is my only complaint is there aren't more episodes. I wish I found this podcast earlier, as it would have certainly healed a lot of past hurt a lot quicker.
0:02:50.73 → 0:03:02.18
I've never felt so heard and seen by a podcast. I think there's a lot of solace in knowing I'm not alone with my thoughts and behaviours now. Healing those. Thanks to unattachment. Thank you so much for your beautiful review.
0:03:02.23 → 0:03:40.60
I'm so pleased that you feel so heard and seen by what I share here. I think that, as you say, there is a lot of solace in knowing that you're not alone and that there's another way available to you. So I'm glad that's been your experience. If that was your review, if you could please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And if you want the chance to have your review read out and to get a freebie if you just leave a review on Apple podcasts unfortunately, it's only Apple podcasts that qualifies, as the other platforms don't allow for reviews.
0:03:40.71 → 0:04:00.12
But if you leave a review on Apple podcasts, I select one at random for each episode with two episodes a week. That means you've got two chances each week to be selected. And for anyone who has left a review whose review I haven't read out, please know that I read every single one of them. And I am so appreciative of you and your support. So thank you.
0:04:00.57 → 0:04:31.09
So let's look at how this usually plays out. Here's what I see time and time and time again. And to be very frank with you, I've experienced it myself, so I get it. At the beginning of an anxious avoidant relationship, you'll usually have a lot of sexual intensity. So you're going to have lots of chemistry, connection, passion, fireworks, hunger, lust, infatuation all of that sense of I can't get enough of you.
0:04:31.24 → 0:05:03.32
And that's kind of in all respects, but particularly sexually. And that feels really good for both people. The anxious person loves the feeling of being wanted and chosen and desired. That's like balm to the soul of the anxious partner. And the avoidant person gets a lot out of that too, because it's fun and they feel wanted and they feel desired and they feel successful, and they get all of the upside of the juiciness of that honeymoon period before their triggers set in.
0:05:03.42 → 0:05:39.81
So on both sides, that initial period is really exhilarating and rewarding. What tends to happen is that as the relationship becomes more serious, that could be anywhere from a month in to six months in to a year in, just depending on the arc of your particular relationship. As things become more serious, as that initial chemical rush tapers off, what will typically happen is the avoidant partner starts to pull away sexually. So they might have less interest in having sex. They might initiate sex less, they might just be less engaged in sex.
0:05:39.94 → 0:06:25.75
They might experience performance anxiety or other performance related challenges sexually. And so there are these really noticeable drop offs in their interest level in sex. And for the anxious partner, that sends the alarm bells ringing big time. Because not only did that initial period of sexual intensity feel really good for the anxious person, but the anxious person has a tendency to make it mean something that the avoidant person doesn't in other words, for the anxious partner, it's like, oh, we have this incredible sexual chemistry. That means that we have an incredible connection, that means that we're meant to be together, that means that I've never felt anything like this before, therefore you're the one.
0:06:25.90 → 0:06:45.93
This is serious, this is it. And that is all very exciting for the anxious person. So they get very attached as a result of that sexual intensity. When that sexual intensity shifts and all of a sudden is a little lacking, the anxious person internalises that and starts to panic, go, what have I done? I've done something wrong.
0:06:45.97 → 0:07:27.93
They're losing interest in me, they must not be attracted to me. Maybe they liked me at the beginning, but then I didn't perform well enough for them sexually and so they're no longer interested in having sex with me for that reason, I didn't do a good enough job. The anxious person's tendency to make everything about their failings and their unworthiness and their not good enoughness, very much bubbles to the surface here. And so the anxious person will typically test. So they'll notice this thing, they'll start to panic in their head and tell themselves the story and then they'll start to try and gather evidence and go, okay, is this just in my head or is it real?
0:07:28.00 → 0:08:19.08
Is this legit? And so what do they do? They'll maybe start to be more flirtatious with their partner or try to initiate sex more, try to seduce them or be more affectionate, try and hug and kiss them, all of those things to gauge the response, to see, are they really pulling away or am I making this up? And the avoidant person, possibly without realising it, receives all of that intensity, anxiety, escalated energy around sex as pressure, and so they're likely to respond to that by withdrawing further, which cements the anxious person's read of the situation as they've lost interest in me sexually. And for the anxious person, it's a very short walk from they've lost interest in me sexually to they're going to leave me, they don't want me anymore, I'm no longer useful to them.
0:08:19.21 → 0:09:24.07
Whatever connection we had is slipping away from me and I feel really out of control and panicked and like I've done something but I don't know what. So, as you can probably imagine, and I'm sure a lot of you listening have experienced this, and as I said, so have I, so I get it. And it's really challenging because as much as we can intellectually understand that that might not be about us, that might be about their intimacy fears, that might be about their inability to combine sex and love without feeling intensely, vulnerable in a way that leads their system to go into shutdown and protective mode as much as we can intellectualise that, it's really still very tender to our wounds, our unworthiness wounds. The part of us that just wants to be wanted and chosen and who feels like they had that and then it got taken away from them through no fault of their own. So don't underestimate how big this is in terms of the emotional imprint of it.
0:09:24.24 → 0:09:58.85
And you'll need to really approach it with a lot of self compassion because it's really easy to personalise it. It's really easy to make it all about you and take it as unequivocal evidence in support of those really painful stories about yourself that you're not good enough that no one's ever going to want you. That when you show yourself to someone, they reject you. That nothing you do is good enough to get someone's attention and keep it. Whatever the stories are, there are a lot of them and this is a vulnerable area where we can really spiral in our self worth.
0:09:59.02 → 0:10:34.95
So to return to the essence of the question, is it weird that I want more sex than him? No, not at all. It's very common because of that trajectory of sexual intensity followed by sexual withdrawal by the avoidant partner. Then the anxious person, when faced with the insecurity that comes with that fallout, wants sex more than ever because sex is equal to validation, sex is equal to reassurance sex, alleviates that fear of rejection or that feeling of rejection that has kind of infected the relationship. So it's actually very common.
0:10:35.02 → 0:11:10.45
And if anything, the more he pulls away, the more you're going to want sex for that reason that you just want the feeling of being wanted. So what do we do with all of this? It might feel overwhelming to hear me share what drives that pattern and how very common it is. And I'm not going to mislead you by saying that it's an easy solution. I think the honest truth would be to say that both people need to have a level of awareness and willingness to be vulnerable about this.
0:11:10.60 → 0:12:42.96
And so, while on the anxious side, you're probably spending a lot of time and energy ruminating over it, you will need a level of buy in from your avoidant partner in finding a way to experience sex together that works for you both, that feels safe and comfortable, that meets both of your needs and that will require you to talk about it. Unfortunately, as much as we all hate talking about sex and having those messy, vulnerable conversations, it's really a necessity in any relationship, but particularly in one where all of this emotional density is present in your sexual dynamic. So as much as possible on the anxious side, depersonalising it will help because it will allow you to show up to those conversations vulnerably without being in this state of panic and stress and accusation and self protection, which will only elicit a similarly reactive and defensive response from your partner. The other final piece that I'll suggest for again the anxious partner in this is cheque in with yourself around sex. When you're wanting sex from your partner when you're feeling like you'd want to initiate sex, just cheque in with yourself on whether you want sex or whether you want to feel wanted.
0:12:43.33 → 0:13:25.92
Because if it's the latter, then what you're really wanting is reassurance or validation that everything's okay. And that might point to a broader unmet need in the relationship, that you can get met in other ways and potentially healthier ways, rather than leaning on sex as an indirect way to get that validation of reassurance. So asking yourself, do I actually want sex right now? Or do I want to feel wanted by my partner? And that will again allow you to just have greater clarity for yourself around what the need is, and in so doing have a much better chance of getting that need met in a way that works for you, for your partner, for the relationship.
0:13:26.53 → 0:14:18.39
So I hope that that has been helpful in unpacking that dynamic that is so very common, giving you a bit of an understanding of why that happens and what drives it and some sense of what you can do and what not to do if you find yourself in that situation and you're needing to tackle it. I should also say I have a master class on my website called Sex and Attachment, which is I think it's about 90 minutes and goes into all of this obviously in a lot more detail. I do also have a module in my Healing Anxious Attachment course around building a secure sexuality. So if you are wanting to go deeper on this topic, I definitely suggest checking either the Sex and Attachment Masterclass, which is Instant access. You can get that on my website or as I said at the start, joining that waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment.
0:14:18.52 → 0:14:50.64
If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to leave a five star rating and a review. As I said, it does really help so much in getting the word out and helping the show continue to grow, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:14:50.70 --> 0:14:55.48
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Navigating Perfectionism in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In this episode, I'm talking all about perfectionism - but probably not in the way you've heard it spoken about before. Perfectionism is often thought of as a personality quirk - a commitment to high achieving and having things a certain way. But when it comes to relationships, perfectionism can be a powerful protective strategy that keeps us from being seen and known as our authentic selves.
In this episode, I'm talking all about perfectionism - but probably not in the way you've heard it spoken about before.
Perfectionism is often thought of as a personality quirk - a commitment to high achieving and having things a certain way. But when we dig a little deeper, we can see that perfectionism is about so much more than personal preference and having things a certain way. It's about fear and control. About needing to be perceived a certain way in order to feel acceptable and worthy.
So what does this have to do with attachment and anxious-avoidant relationships?
Well, here's how it usually looks.
On the anxious side, there is a self-imposed perfectionism.
A deeply held belief of “I need to be a particular way in order to be loved. Because if I falter, and show someone my “unacceptable” parts, they're not going to want me anymore and I'll be rejected." In this way, perfectionism takes the form of a harsh inner critic, policing our expression and making sure we don't put a foot out of line lest someone confirm our worst fear by losing interest in us.
On the avoidant side, perfectionism often takes the form of impossibly high expectations on a partner.
As a relationship progresses, many avoidant people will notice themselves becoming inexplicably irritated by and critical of their partner - sometimes to the point of disdain and contempt. This is often a subconscious distancing strategy that arises when the relationship is becoming more serious and committed.
In being highly critical of their partner and holding them to a standard of perfection that is unattainable, the avoidant person is able to convince themselves that the other person's flaws mean the relationship isn't “right”, thereby protecting themselves from the extreme vulnerability of being truly seen by someone.
So what happens when we bring together one person who is terrified of putting a foot out of line because they're so convinced that they are fundamentally unworthy and unlovable, and the person who is terrified of intimacy and vulnerability and so subconsciously creates distance through focusing on someone else's shortcomings in a way that allows them to bypass doing the work themselves?
Unfortunately, these core wounds fit together like puzzle pieces.
And while it's 100% possible to shift these dynamics with the right tools and self-awareness, it's easy to see how these protective strategies can reinforce and enable each other.
If you want to go deeper on this topic, be sure to check out Wednesday's episode of On Attachment, Navigating Perfectionism in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
how anxiously attached people hold themselves to standards of perfection as a way to gain and keep someone's interest
how avoidantly attached people use perfectionism & criticism as a distancing strategy to avoid intimacy & vulnerability
what happens when these strategies collide in an anxious-avoidant dynamic
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.25 → 0:01:08.19
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is how perfectionism impacts our relationships and specifically looking at competing dynamics of perfectionism in anxious avoidant relationships. So I think that for a lot of us, we associate perfectionism with high achieving and striving to be the best and maybe being competitive or maybe being a bit particular about the way we like things. But I think that perfectionism runs a lot deeper than that, and it's almost always coupled with fear, shame, anxiety and aversion to vulnerability.
0:01:08.27 → 0:01:58.82
A lot of resistance to being seen by someone in our authentic expression, in our mess, in our imperfection. And so perfectionism in that way can be seen as a protective strategy to keep us safe from those things that we fear most. And in relationships, I think it can show up in a few different ways. And so that's what I'm going to be talking about today, looking at how it shows up differently for more anxious leaning people versus more avoidant leaning people. And then what happens when those opposing dynamics, both fueled by aspects of perfectionism, what happens when they come together and those opposing forces meet.
0:01:59.67 → 0:02:27.83
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. To be very transparent with you, I'd actually recorded a whole nother version of this episode and it was all ready to go. And then at the last minute I had some new ideas about what I wanted to say that was a little bit different. And so I decided to scrap the original version and rerecord this. And no, it is not lost on me, the irony of me doing that on an episode about perfectionism.
0:02:27.91 → 0:02:56.13
But what can I say? I am as much a work in progress as any of you listening. But nevertheless, I do hope that today's discussion is an insightful one and an interesting one. I think that there will be a little something in there for everyone because I think that perfectionism and all of its tentacles are pretty farreaching and can affect all of us to varying degrees. So that's what today is all about.
0:02:56.28 → 0:03:35.82
Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that my healing anxious attachment course is going to be reopening for enrollment next month and I have opened a waitlist. So I have gotten a lot of messages lately from people who either have recently discovered my work and are keen to go deeper, or people who maybe wanted to join a previous round of the course but weren't in a position to, for whatever reason. So the waitlist is now open and the link to that is in the show notes. If you join the waitlist, which is obviously totally free and no obligation, that will mean that you'll be the first to know when enrollment opens and you'll also get a discount.
0:03:35.88 → 0:04:04.57
So definitely cheque that out if you're interested. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is steph has such beautiful, considered and practical advice to offer. After my own long term relationship ended last year, I've personally found the podcast so helpful in trying to come to a greater understanding about what didn't work and why. And now, how to navigate life post breakup. I'd recommend this podcast to anyone who's looking to gain a deeper understanding of themselves or the way they show up in relationships.
0:04:04.91 → 0:04:43.64
Thank you for that review. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephaniereg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes of your choice. So let's dive into this conversation around perfectionism and anxious avoidant dynamics. So I'm going to start by giving an overview of what I often see as perfectionistic tendencies in anxious leaning people, how that tends to show up for them. I'll then move to talking about more avoidant leaning people and what their brand of perfectionism tends to look like, and then we'll look at what happens when these things come together.
0:04:45.29 → 0:05:30.00
So for the anxious person, perfectionism tends to be a self imposed expectation of I need to be a particular way in order to be worthy of love. I need to be palatable, I need to be acceptable, I need to not have any flaws, I need to look, act, be a certain way, otherwise I'm going to lose you, I'm going to be rejected, this person is going to lose interest in me. It's not safe for me to be seen in my fullness because no one's going to want that, no one's interested in that, no one's going to like that. And so my window of expression becomes very small. We see in this for the anxious person.
0:05:30.10 → 0:06:22.45
A lot of those extreme people pleasing behaviours that I've talked about, a lot shape shifting, not really knowing who you are, what you stand for, what your values are. Just really wanting to be liked and accepted to the point of fairly extreme self abandonment, but also hand in hand with a lot of micromanaging of how we're perceived by others. So I need to control the way other people see me because that is paramount to me, creating and maintaining safety for myself via connection with those people. That's at least how it feels, right? If I put 1ft out of line, then the worst is going to happen.
0:06:22.49 → 0:07:21.20
I'm going to lose my partner, I'm going to lose my friends, I'm going to be outcast or rejected or shamed or seen to fail or seen as not good enough. And all of those deepest, darkest fears that I hold within me will come to fruition. And so what we see here is that at the heart of this perfectionism, this rigidity, this need to control how we show up and how we're perceived, is ultimately that same fear of abandonment that lies at the heart of so much of anxiously attached people's, wounding and associated protective strategies. When that's the counterfactual, that's the thing that we think is going to happen if we don't behave in that way. That's always a really insightful and illuminating shortcut to understanding what's driving our behaviour.
0:07:21.26 → 0:08:20.86
We go what am I afraid it would happen if I didn't do that thing, if I didn't micromanage the way I was perceived, if I allowed someone to see me other than in my most shiny expression, what am I afraid would happen? And for most anxious people the answer there is going to be they wouldn't like me, they don't want that part of me. And so we see that that self rejection, that deep self belief that only parts of us are lovable or worthy of love are acceptable, are safe to show people that self view bleeds into the way we show up in relationships. On the avoidance side, what we tend to see is perfectionistic expectations on a partner. So for more avoidantleaning people, I think a very common experience, a common sort of trope would be feeling really attracted to someone to begin with.
0:08:20.99 → 0:09:23.45
And then, as things become more committed, more serious, more steady, an avoidant leaning person will often find themselves inexplicably irritated by their partner nitpicking things, just finding them so almost feeling like disdainful of their partner, noticing everything that's wrong with them. All of the ways in which they are deficient or annoying or imperfect and finding themselves extremely activated by that and very judgmental of it. Now of course this is not universal, this is not going to be true for everyone, but it is a really common experience for more avoidant leaning people as relationships become more serious. What we often refer to as getting the ick about someone oh, I'm just inexplicably turned off by you when a month ago I was totally smitten and suddenly now I just can't stand you. Where is that coming from?
0:09:23.49 → 0:10:45.46
And I think that if that's something you notice in yourself it is a really good opportunity to pause and go okay, what's this really about for me? Rather than just taking it at face value and assuming that the relationship isn't there's something wrong with the relationship or the other person. So I think that the way that this tends to play out for an avoidant person is that their perfectionism is a perfectionism imposed upon their partner, consciously or otherwise, and is ultimately a distancing strategy, a protective strategy that is designed to protect them, to keep them safe from having to be vulnerable, be intimate, progress in a relationship where that feels really edgy and unsafe. And so we can see that me being highly critical of you and holding you to a standard of perfection that is unattainable, saves me from having to be vulnerable with you and letting you see me, which is what I fear is going to happen if we continue down this path. So I'd rather focus on your imperfections, use those as evidence of the fact that this isn't the right relationship, maybe end the relationship or otherwise sabotage it.
0:10:45.56 → 0:11:36.43
And that saves me from needing to be seen myself. So while these show up in different ways, the anxious person is using perfectionism to try and cling and control and grip. The avoidant person is using perfectionism as imposed on the other to try and create distance. Both people are terrified of being seen and that's really the common threat. I've spoken before in a recent episode around similarities between anxious and avoidant people, that a similarity is fear of vulnerability and that neither anxious nor avoidant people are great at really being vulnerable, really being seen, really allowing other people in, even if it looks different on the surface.
0:11:36.61 → 0:12:55.33
So what happens when we bring these together, when we bring together the person who is terrified of putting a foot out of line because they're so convinced that they are fundamentally unworthy and unlovable and yet they want connection more than anything. So they're walking on a tightrope to try and gain and keep someone's love. And then on the other side, you've got someone who is terrified of intimacy and vulnerability and closeness and also of looking within because that's so foreign to them a lot of the time that it's easier to project onto the other to create distance via criticism or noticing someone else's shortcomings in a way that allows them to bypass doing the work themselves. And so we've got these two people and unfortunately, as so often happens, that woundedness on each side, they fit together like puzzle pieces. And if left unchecked, without conscious awareness and a willingness and ability to shift those patterns and heal, they will absolutely reinforce each other and provide more evidence for the painful stories.
0:12:56.23 → 0:13:51.81
Again on the anxious side, if they're with a partner and all of this is playing out unconsciously and they're with an avoidant partner who is absolutely noticing their imperfections and criticising to create distance and that's going to provide evidence for the anxious person's story of I can't be imperfect because when I am, they leave, they pull away, they lose interest. And that reinforces my story that it's not safe to do that. So it's really important if you notice these dynamics in your relationship, whether a current relationship or a previous one. And I should say this can happen in very early dating or it can exist long into established relationships. It is so important that you bring conscious awareness to this on both sides and that you commit to shifting those patterns and meeting those edges.
0:13:51.89 → 0:14:22.92
Because, as I said, left unchecked, these almost like complementary wounds will just reinforce each other. They will poke each other, they will trigger each other, they will reinforce each other. They will provide more evidence to support the fears underlying those protective strategies. And so those protective strategies will never feel safe to step aside. Those protective parts will absolutely keep working in overdrive and on and on will go right.
0:14:22.99 → 0:15:41.73
That's kind of how it all works. So you will need a level of willingness on both sides to meet these edges and this is not going to be overnight change because anything where we are turning towards our deep fears, our shame, our terror, our unworthiness, our really fundamental attachment and relational wounds, it's tender and it's got to be gentle but it is possible. So the growth edge for you if you are the more anxious leaning person in this kind of dynamic is to practise allowing yourself to express and be seen in your mess. That doesn't mean that you have to have a public breakdown. But it does mean not just zipping yourself up so tight and pretending to be fine all the time and going with the flow and going with what everyone else wants and never taking your own needs, feelings, concerns, preferences into account, never allowing yourself to be in need.
0:15:41.90 → 0:16:22.32
So that might look like leaning on friends more leaning on a therapist, practising in those training grounds that don't feel as high stakes as a relationship. We don't want to test those edges in a super high stake scenario so go gently. But ultimately the work is allowing ourselves to be imperfect and to be seen in that imperfection. And that's a really important point because I think so much of perfectionism, particularly on the anxious side is being seen in it. It's not just acknowledging our imperfection for ourselves as between me and me.
0:16:22.42 → 0:17:04.42
I know that I'm imperfect but can I let someone else know that and see me and that in a way that is outside of my control and therefore truly vulnerable? That's the growth edge on the avoidance side. Your work is to get really curious every time you notice that urge come up to criticise as a way to create distance. When you notice those doubts come up, those voices saying maybe this isn't the right relationship. Maybe idealising previous partners or hypothetical partners as oh I would never have to deal with this with that person and that's why this relationship is bad and that alternative is better.
0:17:05.29 → 0:17:30.49
Notice that and get curious. Go what's that keeping me safe from? What does this allow me to not have to feel or experience? What does this allow me to avoid if I lean into this impulse to criticise, create distance and pull away. Because the reality is, as we all know rationally nobody's perfect.
0:17:30.61 → 0:17:56.47
Relationships aren't perfect. It's all messier than that. And being in a healthy, secure, committed relationship is about choosing someone in all of their imperfections but choosing someone who you love and trust and care for and committing to that and accepting all of them. So that's really the growth edge for the avoidant person. And relatedly.
0:17:56.81 → 0:18:55.21
I think looking at does my criticism of them, does my pointing the finger there and making them the problem them, the imperfect one allow me to bypass looking at my own stuff, looking within, considering the work. That I have to do, because that's likely very uncomfortable for you as a more avoidant leaning person to have to see the ways in which your stuff contributes to the pattern. And it is always going to be easier to blame the other person and make them the imperfect one, the defective one, and tell ourselves that the next relationship will be different. But this goes for everyone. Our wounds, our patterns tend to follow us wherever we go until we do the work to tend to those parts of us that drive us to those protective behaviours.
0:18:55.31 → 0:20:06.95
So I hope that this has been an interesting discussion and that it's given you some food for thought on your own perfectionistic tendencies, to the extent that you can relate to that and perhaps how your relationship might be exhibiting aspects of this tussle between different expressions of perfectionism with kind of different surface goals, but similar underlying fears of being seen. And, you know, that self rejection of I can't let someone get too close to the real me because I can't control what happens there and I'm so terrified that that wouldn't be lovable or acceptable or worthy, and so I have to use whatever strategy I can to prevent that from happening. And I think that that is a common thread between anxious and avoidant people in this respect and in many other contexts as well. As I said, I hope that that's been helpful and has given you something to reflect on. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful.
0:20:07.00 → 0:20:43.60
If you can leave me a fivestar rating if you're on Spotify or a review if you're on Apple podcasts or whatever else you can do wherever else you're listening, I really do appreciate it and I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode. Take care, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie—rigg or at stephanierieg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating.
0:20:43.66 → 0:20:48.36
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
“My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can’t help but take it personally.”
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally." This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally."
This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
WHAT WE COVER:
why it's normal to feel hurt by a partner moving on faster than we do
why it's so important to monitor the stories we tell ourselves post break-up
reasons why people process break-ups differently
how anxious vs avoidant people tend to move through the break-up period
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.01 → 0:01:06.55
Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of my ex moved on immediately postbreak up, and I can't help but take it personally. Do you have any advice? So this is something that I hear a lot, and it can obviously feel like a twisting of the dagger when we're already in a lot of pain to see our ex, whether it's moving on or just seeming to. Be coping better than we are after a breakup when we're really in the thick of it and we're grieving and we're hurt and we're lost and confused.
0:01:06.73 → 0:01:47.76
To see something pop up on social media or to hear about it or to even hear it directly from your ex that they're seeing someone new or that life is going well for them. It's really easy to take that and make it mean something about us. And that can really prolong our suffering at a time when we're already in a lot of pain and hurt. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, understanding that experience a little more where you can go as stray there, and some reframes to help you get through that experience, even though it will still be challenging and painful. But hopefully we can cut it off there and not make it mean something about us as a person.
0:01:48.37 → 0:02:28.73
Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that today is the last day to access the sale that I've been running, which is 50% off all of my Masterclasses, which are on boundaries, sex and attachment, and navigating anxious, avoidant relationships. Those are all only $44 each and there's heaps of value in them, so definitely cheque them out. If you're interested. You can also get 50% off my Higher Love course, which is a full length six module plus bonuses course on breakups and really moving through a breakup in the healthiest, most supported way possible and coming out the other side better than before.
0:02:28.80 → 0:03:11.13
So if any of those things tickle your fancy, today is the last day to take advantage of that discount and all of that's linked in the show notes. The other quick announcement is just to share the review of the week, which is I discovered Stephanie's podcast by chance a few months ago when I was trying to work out my relationship and had just started therapy. Her soothing voice and her shortened to the point episodes have really helped me reconsider myself as an anxiously attached person and to understand my continuous fear of being abandoned in a sentimental relationship. Understanding other attachment types and learning better ways to interact with an avoidant partner has also brought a certain level of peace and compassion towards myself and my relationship. I couldn't be more grateful for Stephanie's wise and kind words every week.
0:03:11.20 → 0:03:30.12
Thank you. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so pleased to hear that. I love how you describe a level of peace and compassion towards yourself and your relationship from diving into this work. I think that is really the goal, and I'm glad to have been able to support you in some small way with the podcast.
0:03:30.26 → 0:04:02.66
If that was your review, if you could just send an email to podcast@stephanierug.com. My team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this question of I've just seen that my ex has moved on immediately after our breakup, and I can't help but take it personally. So as a starting point, I just want to validate that this sucks, right? It's painful, and it's really easy to feel hurt by that and to feel kind of personally victimised by it.
0:04:02.76 → 0:04:29.80
I just want to really normalise all of those feelings. I think, irrespective of the circumstances of a breakup. Even if you broke up with them, even if it was really amicable, all of that stuff, even if you're kind of comfortable with the breakup and, you know it's the right thing. I think there's always going to be a bit of sting or a little bit of emotional something when we see our ex with someone new. I think that's really normal.
0:04:29.91 → 0:05:03.77
And so the starting point is don't beat yourself up too much for having an emotional response when you see your ex moving on and dating someone new. I think that obviously, if the circumstances are such that they broke up with you, you're really sad about it and you didn't want the relationship to end. It's very fresh and raw and you're still in the thick of it. To see them with someone new in that circumstance is devastating. And again, that's really understandable.
0:05:03.85 → 0:05:26.64
So don't feel like you shouldn't feel that way. Don't judge that feeling because I think that's a very natural thing to feel. What I do want to invite you to reflect on and really monitor is where we take that feeling of I'm really upset about this. I'm hurt, I'm sad, and we make that mean something about us. Okay, so we go, oh, they're dating someone new.
0:05:26.69 → 0:05:37.08
That means that they're not even sad about the relationship ending. They never even cared about me. They never loved me. A whole relationship was a sham. I feel like an idiot because I'm upset and they're not.
0:05:37.45 → 0:05:59.72
This new person that they're dating must be so much better than me, more attractive, more emotionally stable, less needy, whatever. The things I'm telling myself, they're going to make all of the changes with this new person that they wouldn't make for me. Maybe I was actually the problem after all. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for all of those things. All of that stuff.
0:05:59.82 → 0:06:41.26
We can spiral. Now, you may relate to none of that or some of that or all of that, but those are the sorts of things that I hear. And so I just want to shine a light on that and say that's where we cause our own suffering, right? Those stories are where the suffering lives and lives on because we can really get stuck there and spin around in that for a long time because we're taking something that may have very little to do with us a lot of the time and making it mean something about us at a very fundamental level. And that's a surefire way to erode self worth, to beat ourselves when we're already down.
0:06:41.31 → 0:07:14.58
And that's really the opposite of what we need at that time. So with that as an overarching point, the other thing I'll say is there are many, many reasons why someone, some people might move on more quickly than others. Okay, so this is part of the work. Whenever we're looking at the stories we tell ourselves, we can poke holes in our own stories and go, okay, that probably doesn't necessarily mean that I can acknowledge that other versions of this exist. What might they be?
0:07:14.63 → 0:07:26.34
So I'm going to give you some of them. They may not have processed the breakup or their grief, okay? They may have just put a lid on it. They're blocking it out. They're distracting themselves.
0:07:26.44 → 0:07:54.36
They're numbing out whatever they're doing. People process emotions in different ways, particularly if they are more avoidant leaning. They're not going to experience that initial post breakup in the same way that you, as a more anxious leaning person would. So acknowledge that that you can't expect them to have the same process as you. And there's a good chance that if it's very fresh that you'll go in different directions post breakup.
0:07:54.39 → 0:08:36.92
So a more avoidant leaning person is likely to put a lid on those emotions and channel their energy into distraction. Whether that's like throwing themselves into work or becoming very social all of a sudden or taking up a new pursuit or a new hobby, they're going to be putting that energy into something. Whereas a more anxious leaning person is likely to be very in the thick of their emotions and their grief and that feeling of longing and loss with the void that has been created by the relationship ending. So that might be one reason they may not have processed the breakup. Alternatively, they may have been processing it in advance of the relationship ending.
0:08:37.03 → 0:09:15.29
So what often happens is if a relationship is kind of on its last legs for a few months or even years in some cases, there can be a process of disengagement whereby one or both people sort of stop trying. And there's this sense of anticipation that you both know that it's coming. Maybe just one person knows that it's coming and they've made the decision to end the relationship before they actually pull the trigger. And so there is a gradual kind of disconnection and disengagement. Some people, if they've been in that situation, may have been processing their feelings around the relationship ending for a while before it actually did.
0:09:15.41 → 0:10:02.61
And that may mean that they feel kind of okay after the breakup, because the breakup provides more relief than it does grief, at least initially. Again, that's not about you, that's just about someone else's emotional process and the timing of that, the journey that they've been on. The third thing I'd say is you don't really have actual visibility over what they're experiencing, so it's likely that what you know about where they're at is gleaned from social media or word of mouth or mutual friends or even what they might have shared with you. But that's always going to be kind of biassed. You're seeing what they want you to see, you're knowing what they want you to know.
0:10:02.75 → 0:10:17.52
So it's not necessarily the full picture. Right? I'll add the caveat there. That doesn't give you an invitation to go and interrogate them and say, what are you really feeling? Or ruminate on whether they're actually really upset, but they're just not showing it.
0:10:17.65 → 0:10:41.57
It's just to say that we don't really know. So let's not make stories from imperfect information because it's just not helpful for you. What I'll say to sort of wrap this up is please just understand that if you are more anxiously attached, you will tend to spin out post breakup, right? You will really struggle with a breakup. I have an episode from last year on.
0:10:41.66 → 0:11:17.81
Five reasons why anxiously attached people struggle with breakups. And that's definitely a good one to cheque out because I dive into this in more detail there. But please just don't compare your breakup trajectory, your arc, with that of a more avoided leaning partner, because it is just not comparing apples with apples. And it's really, really unhelpful in the same way that in a relationship it's not helpful for me to project my worldview, my experience onto your behaviour and make it mean what it would mean if I did it. You're coming from totally different places, so just understand that your emotional processing is different.
0:11:17.85 → 0:11:48.91
The way that you relate to being in relationship versus being alone is totally different. So please don't expect it to look the same and then spin out and make yourself feel awful and really beat yourself up when they behave differently to how you would after a breakup. As I said, it's not comparing apples with apples. It's not a fair comparison. You have imperfect information, so please don't craft these awful, painful personal stories that exacerbate your pain and keep you stuck.
0:11:49.49 → 0:12:15.12
This is a time post breakup where you really need to be kind to yourself be resourcing yourself to feel safe and comforted and supported rather than inadequate and unworthy and doomed to some sort of life of aloneness because there's something wrong with you. There isn't. Breakups are hard. They're always going to be hard, but you will be okay. It's a tunnel with a light at the end of it.
0:12:15.14 → 0:12:49.47
So just be really kind to yourself, take good care of yourself, and trust that you will get through the other side of it. I hope that that's been helpful for the question asker and anyone else who is going through a breakup or has been through a breakup and has told themselves those painful stories about an ex moving on or just seeming fine when they aren't. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating and a review. It really does help so much in getting the word out, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.
0:12:49.55 → 0:12:50.50
Thanks guys.
0:12:52.87 → 0:13:15.40
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
“How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so we can do the work?”
In this episode, I'm answering a question I receive all the time which is: "How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so that we can start doing the work?"
In this episode, I'm answering a question I receive all the time which is: "How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so that we can start doing the work?"
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of being honest & self-aware about our intentions in introducing a partner to personal development work
navigating anxious attachment tendencies around the saviour complex, over-functioning and taking responsibility for what's not ours
why "the work" might look different for everyone
how to approach conversations about relational growth in a productive, balanced & healthy way
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.49 → 0:01:04.43
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A, and I'm going to be answering the question of how can you tell your partner that they're avoidant so that you can start doing the work? So this is a question that I answered on my Instagram stories earlier in the week and that a lot of people responded to and related to. And so I wanted to unpack it here and dive in in greater detail because obviously my ability to address the nuances of that question are somewhat limited in a 1 minute Instagram story.
0:01:04.58 → 0:01:35.62
So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review, which is on Attachment is like a shining lighthouse in the middle of a dark storm. Stephanie's not only opened my eyes to attachment theory and helped me learn about myself, but has also provided me guidance and clarity at times when my mind is racing about my relationship. Stephanie's voice is so soothing and easy to listen to, it could be on a meditation app. Stephanie structures her podcast in parts that are easy to follow, and her explanations are easy to comprehend.
0:01:35.76 → 0:02:02.79
Thank you, Stephanie. You've been my guiding light on my journey to becoming secure. Thank you so much for that beautiful and very poetic review. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes of your choice and for anyone else listening. If you haven't left a review before, I would so appreciate if you could take a minute or so to do that on Apple podcasts.
0:02:02.97 → 0:02:56.04
It is a huge help, and I have to say I've received so many beautiful reviews recently that I've really been spoiled for choice in selecting one to read out. And if I haven't read yours out, but you have left a review, please know that I've read every single one, and I really am so appreciative and touched by all of them. They're very humbling, and I feel very grateful for you. The other quick announcement is, just to let you know, in case you didn't hear earlier in the week, I've created a new Instagram account for the podcast so you can find it on Attachment. This is a place where you can get more podcast content if you really love the show and you want to see more of it in your feed, exclusive videos and stuff like that, it would be a huge help to me if you could follow along and share it with the people in your life and your community.
0:02:56.57 → 0:03:40.74
It all helps in getting the word out and helping the podcast continue to grow. Okay, so let's dive into this somewhat complicated, multilayered, messy question of how can you tell your partner that they're avoidant so that you can start doing the work? There are a few parts and pieces to this and I want to do it justice. I think the starting point is that we really need to tread carefully here. And I don't mean that in the sense of tiptoeing around someone's sensitivities, I mean in the sense of having a lot of honesty and self awareness around our motivation for doing that.
0:03:41.67 → 0:04:22.88
A tendency that I observe in a lot of anxiously attached people and that I'm 100% guilty of myself. And I really need to, even now, monitor in myself is the tendency to kind of overfunction and take responsibility for other people's work, for other people's emotional experience and almost to think that I know more about their experience. Than they do and that I know what they need more than they know what they need. And to try and almost take care of that for them. And that's a really easy place to go for a lot of anxious people, but it also costs you a lot.
0:04:23.43 --> 0:05:57.72
So I think that I've spoken many times before about the saviour complex that streak in anxious people, that gravitates towards people who they see as needing their help in some way, making someone their project and thinking that particularly with more avoidant partners, I think anxious people tend to view them as emotionally underdeveloped, as needing nurturance. And so anxious people can self appoint in that way as the therapist, coach, mentor, almost nurture a figure for their avoidant partners in doing the work of becoming more secure and feeling more safe in relationships. And while I think there can be pure intention behind that, I think there can also be a shadow side to it. I think there can be aspects of it that are maybe selfserving, that are maybe controlling, that are maybe manipulative, that are maybe pretty critical of the person as they are today and really feeling like you need to turn them into someone other than who they are in order for them to be acceptable, in order for you to have this relationship. And so I think there can be a real tendency to hold on to the idea of who someone could
0:05:57.74 → 0:05:59.92
be rather than the person that they are.
0:06:00.61 → 0:07:57.08
And I think that when we have that dynamic in a relationship, it's not really helpful for anyone, because the person on the receiving end of it feels that they feel that rejection, they feel that criticism, they feel that disapproval from their partner, even if their partner means well and wants the relationship to grow into something that feels healthier and more connected. Oftentimes from the avoidant perspective, knowing what we do about avoidant attachment, that for many avoidant people, there is a lot of woundedness and sensitivity around feeling defective in some way or feeling like a failure, feeling like nothing they do is good enough. And so when they're having this kind of energy of you need to change in order for our relationship to work, that's oftentimes going to strike a nerve for an avoidant person that's going to really go to the heart of a lot of their deepest insecurities and so might elicit quite a big protective, defensive response.
I think another thing I'd say here is even if your personal view, approach perspective is not one that villainizes avoidant people and I hope that that's the case that's really important in the approach that I teach and the messaging of my work. The reality is that a lot of content out there does villainize avoidant people and does really paint them as the problem, as the bad character, as selfish, as narcissistic, as cold, all of these very charged and judgmental words and associations that are there.
0:07:57.85 → 0:09:01.36
Earlier this week I saw a very popular large Instagram account with over a million followers refer to avoidant people as dangerous, which I just thought was incredible that that could be put out there for so many people to consume. But the reality is when that's kind of the tone of the conversation in a lot of these mainstream spaces, is it any surprise that you going to your partner and saying you're avoidant and we need to do something about it that's going to come with the weight of all of those conversations. So even if that's not your intention, let's just be mindful of the fact that that is a common conception misconception, I would say, around avoidant people. And so it's kind of understandable and natural that someone might push back against that and not really be receptive to you whacking that label on them. So those are just a few things to bear in mind to reframe what might feel like frustration on your side.
0:09:01.43 → 0:10:06.35
If you do have a more avoidant leaning partner and you do want to be able to talk to them about attachment and the dynamics that exist in your relationship and where there might be scope for growth. Just be mindful of that backdrop, both for your own sake in terms of where it's coming from in you and what it might cost you and your system to take on that job of overfunctioning responsibility, taking nurturer, coach, therapist, and also what it must feel like for them to be on the receiving end of that. In the context of all of the stuff that we know gets discussed about avoidance attachment that is not very favourable or compassionate. With all of that being said, I want to make really clear that I'm not suggesting that that means you just need to kind of suck it up and not have any expectations. Not talk to your partner about dynamics in your relationship that might not be working very well, that you're not allowed to talk about growth with them.
0:10:06.50 → 0:10:43.51
That's certainly not what I'm saying. I think we just need to be mindful of how we approach those conversations. And a few tips that I'd offer you, don't be too attached to, pardon the pun, the labels of it or the way that the work needs to look. So even though attachment theory might really resonate with you and you might love doing online courses and you might want to follow all the instagram accounts and stuff, that's not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay, that doesn't mean that they don't care about growing together. It just might look different to you.
0:10:43.55 → 0:11:39.94
And I think we need to have some open mindedness and flexibility, because if we're looking for them to be behaving exactly as we would again, that's just a little bit self centred and it's a little bit controlling, in that we're trying to define what their journey should look like by reference to what we think our journey should look like. So allowing someone to walk their own path while still hopefully being able to have conversations around things that might not be working or things that could use improvement. Another thing that I think is really important and helpful is to frame it as an us thing rather than a them thing. So it's not like you're avoidant and you need to go read all of the books and stop being so avoidant because your avoidance is the problem here. Again, that's an attack and it's going to elicit defensiveness that is just very reliable.
0:11:40.00 → 0:12:12.76
And I'm sure that if you were getting that kind of energy from them, you'd get defensive as well. So I think that rather than me versus you, anxious versus avoidant or whatever, it's like, oh, there are some things between us where we get stuck. I've noticed that we get into these patterns. Would you be open to us talking about ways we might be able to navigate that better so that we can avoid having these big ineffective fights? Because I can assure you that your avoidant partner doesn't like those cycles either.
0:12:13.21 → 0:13:06.37
They don't like, you know, those big emotional upsets and ruptures and then the ineffective repair conversations that drag on for 2 hours. I promise you that that's not what they want either. So I think the more that you can frame it as us against the problem rather than me against you, that's going to be a much more palatable entry point into a conversation for anyone. But certainly for an avoidant partner, I think another thing you can do is lead with your own acknowledgment of your stuff, right? Because again, I think there is a tendency for anxious people to go you have this thing, there's a name for what you are and here are all of the problems with that, here are all the behavioural manifestations of it and here's what you need to do about it.
0:13:06.57 → 0:13:24.49
I think if you can go, I'm totally guilty of this. This is who I am. I notice a lot of myself in these patterns and that drives all of these behaviours in me. And I totally recognise that that must be kind of challenging for you and I'm really sorry for that. I'm going to work on it.
0:13:24.69 → 0:14:21.26
Take responsibility for your side of the street and kind of lead by example there, because I think the more you can do that again, it reinforces that it's not you on your high horse, diagnosing them with some sort of defect and telling them that they need to change or else no one's going to respond well to that. So I think that the more that you can implement those things and go into any conversation with kind of clean intentions and clean energy, I think that will serve you in really good stead. So, just to sum up, it's not about never approaching conversations with an avoidant partner about change or growth. I would never suggest that my partner leans avoidant and we do a lot of growth work on an ongoing basis. So it's not to say that you just can't touch that.
0:14:21.39 → 0:15:04.23
It's just being really mindful of the way that you approach it, for your own sake, for their sake, for the sake of your relationship. Because just telling them that they're avoidant and then expecting them to walk the same path and trajectory as you might in your own process of becoming more secure and shifting patterns can veer very quickly into that overfunctioning responsibility, taking controlling territory, and that tends not to end well. So I hope that that's been helpful and has given you some food for thought, some things to reflect upon. And if you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a rating and a review. I really appreciate it so much.
0:15:04.32 → 0:15:20.10
And just another reminder to follow along on Instagram, the new account at On Attachment. All of that is linked in the show notes. Okay, guys, thanks so much for joining me. I will see you again next week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
0:15:20.21 --> 0:15:39.14
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can follow me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Similarities Between Anxious & Avoidant People
We often speak about the many ways in which anxious and avoidantly attached people differ in their relationship styles. But in this episode, I'm flipping the script and highlighting some similarities between these so-called conflicting styles. We cover relationship fears, boundaries, vulnerability, conflict and more - and my hope is that you'll walk away with a greater capacity to approach yourself and the people in your life with curiosity and compassion.
We often speak about the many ways in which anxious and avoidantly attached people differ in their relationship styles. But in this episode, I'm flipping the script and highlighting some similarities between these so-called conflicting styles.
We cover relationship fears, boundaries, vulnerability, conflict and more - and my hope is that you'll walk away with a greater capacity to approach yourself and the people in your life with curiosity and compassion.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:27.77 → 0:01:03.59 - TRANSCRIPT NEEDED
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship. So this was a topic that was requested by my Instagram community, and it's one that I know a lot of people struggle with, and certainly I've struggled with myself. I think that long term relationships ending can be very destabilising, and it's certainly a time and an experience when we can feel really filled with doubt and inner conflict and confusion and mixed feelings.
0:01:03.77 → 0:01:55.58
And so I'm hoping that today's episode will give you some clarity, some guiding principles, some tools, and some mindset shifts to navigate that process with greater self trust and greater trust in the process itself, which I think is really what it comes down to. I should also say that even though I will be speaking more so in the context of a long term relationship, all of the tips I'm going to share would equally apply to any breakup or ending. So if you've just come out of a relationship that wasn't long term, that was only a couple of months and you're still really feeling it and still having a hard time, rest assured that you can apply and adapt, if need be. The tools and the advice that I'm going to be sharing today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share a couple of quick announcements.
0:01:55.64 → 0:02:18.94
The first being that I am holding a flash sale on my Master classes and my Higher Love course. It's 50% off, which is the biggest discount I've ever given on those. And you can get any of my Master classes. So better boundaries, which is all about boundaries, go figure how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships and sex and attachments. So those are the three Master classes.
0:02:18.97 → 0:02:35.35
They're about 2 hours each. And my Higher Love course is a breakup course. And that's six modules. Fully self paced, self study, so you get instant access to all of it when you sign up. So you can use the code Love you loveyou at checkout to access that discount.
0:02:35.40 → 0:03:01.63
And I'll link all of that in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I stumbled across this show by accident a few months ago and I'm so glad I did. The podcast has helped me understand my own attachment style, and the sense of relief I now feel is massive. I finally know why I feel anxious and most importantly, what I need to do to become more secure. In fact, I've already started on this journey via the podcast and I've never before felt such a sense of calm.
0:03:01.68 → 0:03:27.15
I can finally relax. I'm looking forward to continuing this journey with Stephanie's podcast at the centre. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really love hearing that and it brings a big smile to my face. I think that your experience really speaks to the fact that so often what we need is just to be told you make sense, your experience makes sense, you're not crazy, you're not defective, you're not broken.
0:03:27.81 → 0:03:57.75
And understanding like, oh, other people are like me. And I feel understood and I feel like there's an explanation for all of this and there's a path forward. I think that in and of itself, before you even start taking those steps forward, is incredibly, as you say, relieving and calming to the system. So I'm so glad that that's been your experience. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of those master classes that I mentioned earlier.
0:03:58.49 → 0:04:42.42
Okay, so let's dive into these five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. The first tip that I want to offer you is allow yourself the time and space to grieve however you need to. I think collectively we're pretty uncomfortable with grief, whether that's grief after death or after any other ending. And I think it's really important to understand that the grieving process after a breakup is really biologically akin to any other type of grief. Obviously it can show up in different ways and circumstances will influence that, but it can take you through emotionally the same kind of process.
0:04:42.55 → 0:05:38.83
And so I think we need to approach it and honour it as such. What that means in Practise is allowing yourself to feel those feelings. Granted, you may not be able to take three months off work to stay in your pyjamas and cry all day, and that's certainly not what I'd be encouraging you to do anyway, but allowing yourself the time and space to be with whatever emotions are arising, and oftentimes those emotions will be conflicting. And so preparing yourself for that without making it mean more than it does. So it is perfectly normal to feel doubt, confusion, second guessing whether it was the right thing to do, longing for that person, wanting to reach out to them, rehashing everything that happened, anxiety, confusion, all of these things are completely normal, expected parts of the breakup experience and that grieving process.
0:05:38.92 → 0:06:20.63
And that's true irrespective of whether the relationship was healthy or unhealthy, whether the breakup was a long time coming or happened quite suddenly, we're going to go through some sort of grieving process and that's likely to come in waves. It's unlikely to be linear. And so I think the more we can go into that experience, expecting it, expecting it to be emotionally dense and turbulent, expecting it to come in waves, the less likely we are to take that experience and make it mean something. Because this is where I see people get stuck every single time we go, oh my God, I missed them so much. This cannot be the right decision.
0:06:20.97 → 0:06:47.55
If this were the right decision, there's no way that I would miss them this much or we're both so upset. Doesn't that mean that we should be trying to make it work? Maybe, but also probably not. If I'm being really honest, I think I have another episode on questions to ask before getting back together with someone that you can scroll back and find. But what I always say as a starting point is if it's just missing them, then that's not enough.
0:06:47.62 → 0:07:34.41
That's not enough of a reason to go back or to take any action with those feelings. Because missing someone is a completely normal, predictable response to a long term relationship ending. Again, any relationship ending, but especially a long term one. Because when you've been with someone for a long time, there is inherently a level of comfort and stability and predictability that you get from that relationship. Even if that relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy and not working, that's still an anchor point in your life, that you come to navigate the world via all of your daily routines and habits and what you do, how you move about the world is influenced and shaped by the relationship.
0:07:34.61 → 0:07:56.83
So when that gets taken out, you're going to feel the lack of it, you're going to feel the void and that is going to be uncomfortable. So again, being really realistic with our expectations so that we can go, okay, I really miss them. I feel really knocked off centre here. I want to reach out to them. I feel lonely, I feel sad going, yeah, okay, of course I do.
0:07:56.87 → 0:08:07.87
Of course I feel those things. That makes perfect sense. That's part of the process. Okay? It's like if you injured yourself and you felt pain, you would expect to feel pain because that's part of the process.
0:08:08.04 → 0:08:46.41
That's what's going on here. And we need to allow ourselves to feel that without frantically trying to fix or solve or make it go away. So the first one there is allow yourself to grieve without making it mean more than it does or getting stuck in the stories that can spring from those big emotions. The next one that I want to offer you is to really lean on your support people here and that will look different for everyone. But whether that's close friends who you really trust, therapist or other professional that you see family members, it's really important for a couple of reasons.
0:08:46.46 → 0:09:34.26
I think there can be a temptation to isolate ourselves again if we're not comfortable with all of the big emotions and particularly if you're someone who has a bit of a tendency to not want to burden people with your stuff. If you're used to being the support person to others, you're used to playing the carer role, then it might be really uncomfortable for the shoe to be on the other foot, for you to be in need of that support when you're so accustomed to saying, I'm fine, don't worry about me. But the reality is you do need support in this period because, again, one of the key people in your life has been taken away and they are no longer in the picture. And so you're going to need to diversify where you would usually get that support from. So don't be afraid to ask for help, to ask for support.
0:09:35.11 → 0:10:26.71
The other key piece in this one is from a nervous system point of view, you need active and regular reminders that people in relationships are good and safe and positive, that you are loved, that you can be held by other people and supported, that you can be cared for. That's very nourishing to your system and will really counter any other stories you might have around the unsafety of being alone. Again, this is particularly for people who do struggle with being alone. So people who tend more towards anxious attachment, you may have quite a lot of visceral fear around the aloneness that comes with a breakup. And so countering that by going, okay, actually, as much as my fear stories in my body want to tell me that I'm alone, and that's terrifying, I'm not alone.
0:10:26.81 → 0:10:52.54
I've got all these people around me who care about me, who are invested in my well being, who I can lean on and be held by. And so maybe as much as my body wants to tell me that this is really unsafe and we need to do something about it, which might mean reaching out to your ex and trying to backpedal on everything, no, it's okay. I have other options. I have other support people. Here they are, and I'm going to be okay.
0:10:52.59 → 0:11:30.22
I can resource myself to get through this period in a way that is grounded, that is supported, and I don't need to go into a really fear based state, even more so than I might already be, by isolating myself. Okay, the third tip that I want to give you is see this period as an opportunity to spring clean your life. So this will start to come in a little bit further down the track. I don't expect you on day three, after the breakup to start reinventing yourself. And to be clear, you don't ever have to reinvent yourself.
0:11:30.67 → 0:11:54.51
There's nothing wrong with you, right? But I think that it can be really nice and can give you a sense of renewal and agency over the story and your role in it to go. Okay. This is an opportunity right. To see it as a fresh start as a new chapter, as a new beginning.
0:11:54.59 → 0:12:17.63
And to step into that in a really empowered, deliberate way, rather than floating around rutterless going, oh, my God. How has this happened? I'm alone. I can't live without them, what am I ever going to do? Obviously that's not a very empowered story and doesn't really allow you to get intentional about what you want your life to look like in this next chapter and beyond.
0:12:17.73 → 0:12:56.14
So see it as an opportunity to sprinkle in your life, to rediscover yourself again, particularly if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment or you otherwise know that you tend to really lose yourself in a relationship, so you tend to sort of become subsumed to the relationship container. This is a really great opportunity to carve out, like, who am I? What do I like? What would my ideal be if I weren't always thinking about someone else and what they like and what they're comfortable with? How do I want my space to look?
0:12:56.24 → 0:13:08.59
What do I like to do with my free time? What food do I like to eat? What shows do I like to watch? What do I want to spend my weekends doing right? When we're so accustomed to factoring in someone else?
0:13:08.68 → 0:13:49.27
And potentially, if that's your tendency to defer to what their preference is, we can lose sight of that. And so this is actually a really, really beautiful opportunity for you to make it about you for once. So relish in that opportunity, relish in the freedom that this period can afford you. So don't waste that or lose sight of it, or be so distracted by the hard parts of the experience that you aren't noticing all of the positives. The next tip that I want to offer you is become the most fully expressed version of yourself that you can.
0:13:49.34 → 0:14:21.71
So this is kind of in a similar vein to the previous one, but become more of yourself. So if the previous one was around, kind of revamping your surroundings and your routines and all of that to suit you, this one's about becoming more of you. So doing things that once would have scared you or doing things that you never thought that you could or that you've always wanted to, but you thought, no, I couldn't do that, right? Maybe you could, right? Challenge yourself.
0:14:21.86 → 0:14:51.56
Learn to overcome those fears or nerves or embarrassment or shame or any of those other things that have held you back from doing things that you've always been curious about or interested in. Right? So again, it's kind of easy and it's not a bad thing. I think it's just true, right, that it's easy to get lazy and really comfortable and cosy in a long term relationship. I think that a lot of us who are in long term relationships can relate to that, right?
0:14:51.69 → 0:15:41.25
That it's easy to get a bit complacent around the way we spend our time. So see this period as an invitation, a permission slip to really broaden your horizons and live a little. So whether that's like taking up a new hobby, going to cooking classes, or challenging yourself physically, starting to work with a personal trainer or taking up a new sport or starting running or something that you've previously thought wasn't like you or you didn't have time for or would be too hard. I think all of those things can be really powerful in building up your self worth, your sense of self and your self confidence as you enter into this next chapter. So reflect on what would be the things.
0:15:41.34 → 0:16:16.68
Maybe it's just one or two things at the moment. How could I infuse some newness or stretch my comfort zone a little so that I'm becoming more of who I am and particularly in ways that I felt I couldn't when I was in a relationship? So stretch out that comfort zone, okay? And the last tip that I want to give you is when it comes time to date, and that might not be for a while, so please don't expect yourself to be back out there in a month, particularly if it's a long term relationship and there's a lot of processing to do. There is absolutely no rush here.
0:16:17.61 → 0:16:56.58
Expect to relapse, for want of a better term. So you might be feeling like super upbeat and positive and excited to get back out into the dating world and then maybe you download one of the apps and you feel really deflated and defeated and hopeless all of a sudden. Or you go on a couple of dates and it's underwhelming. Okay? Expect that it's going to be a bit of a process and don't expect to find your soulmate or the next person you're going to be in a long term relationship with on your first date or your first interaction on an app.
0:16:56.70 → 0:17:29.80
You need to be kind of bracing yourself for the process of dating, being hit and miss and being trial and error, and go into that with an open mind, with good humour. And again, try and see it as an opportunity rather than this drudgery, this frustrating thing that you reluctantly have to do in order to meet someone. Try and enjoy the process as much as possible. Try and approach it with a mindset of, oh, look at all these people that I get to meet. What a great opportunity.
0:17:29.93 → 0:18:02.72
That's all it has to be, right? And when I say expect to relapse, what I mean is expect to be reminded of your ex in ways that you might not have been in the intervening period. So I think it's really normal and natural to have felt like you were over them. And then you go on a date with someone and they have a trait that annoys you and you're like, oh, my ex would never have done that. We always used to laugh at people who did that or dressed like that or said things like that or liked that thing.
0:18:02.90 → 0:18:26.19
I miss them. Or you might just miss how comfortable and easeful it felt with your ex. Whereas with all these new people. You're starting from scratch and it feels difficult, and you don't know each other yet, and it's a bit awkward, and so you really just miss and crave the comfort of the comfy pair of jeans that you've worn in rather than the stiff new ones. It's really normal to feel that way.
0:18:26.26 → 0:18:53.15
And again, try not to make too much meaning out of it. Comparing new people with old people is a completely normal thing to do, so don't then go. Maybe that means that my ex is actually the right person for me. Stay the course, stick with the process, trust in the process, and know that you'll get more comfortable with it. And as time goes by, you'll get to know new people, and what starts as being a little bit awkward and uncomfortable will slowly become more comfortable.
0:18:53.20 → 0:19:17.64
Right? There was a time where you didn't know your ex and you were in that same place with them. So just allow things to blossom and grow rather than writing them off straight out of the gate from a place of comparison or fear or anxiety or whatever else might be driving that response in you. Okay, so those were five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. I hope that that has been helpful.
0:19:17.78 → 0:19:55.55
I did try to give you a bit of a spectrum there of advice ranging from very early in the process, post breakup, to that kind of midway point where you're starting to emerge from the darkness and rebuild and then ultimately going towards potentially dating again. So I hope that that's given you a lot to work with, no matter where you are in that process. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful, as always, if you could leave a five star rating or a review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts. It really does help so much, and I'm deeply, deeply appreciative of all of you who have been taking the time to do that recently.
0:19:55.65 → 0:20:16.62
It's very touching and humbling to me. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I will see you again later in the week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierig.com.
0:20:16.75 → 0:20:26.28
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to to see you again soon.
"I used to be anxiously attached, but after being cheated on I think I've become avoidant. Help!"
In this episode, I'm answering the community question of "I used to be anxiously attached, but after discovering my husband's infidelity, I find myself being avoidant with potential new partners. How do I find the healthy middle ground?" We talk about changing attachment styles, fear, betrayal and how we can start to create more safety more ourselves after we've been hurt.
In this episode, I'm answering the community question of "I used to be anxiously attached, but after discovering my husband's infidelity, I find myself being avoidant with potential new partners. How do I find the healthy middle ground?"
We talk about changing attachment styles, fear, betrayal and how we can start to create more safety more ourselves after we've been hurt.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:27.77 → 0:01:03.59 TRANSCRIPT NEEDED
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship. So this was a topic that was requested by my Instagram community, and it's one that I know a lot of people struggle with, and certainly I've struggled with myself. I think that long term relationships ending can be very destabilising, and it's certainly a time and an experience when we can feel really filled with doubt and inner conflict and confusion and mixed feelings.
0:01:03.77 → 0:01:55.58
And so I'm hoping that today's episode will give you some clarity, some guiding principles, some tools, and some mindset shifts to navigate that process with greater self trust and greater trust in the process itself, which I think is really what it comes down to. I should also say that even though I will be speaking more so in the context of a long term relationship, all of the tips I'm going to share would equally apply to any breakup or ending. So if you've just come out of a relationship that wasn't long term, that was only a couple of months and you're still really feeling it and still having a hard time, rest assured that you can apply and adapt, if need be. The tools and the advice that I'm going to be sharing today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share a couple of quick announcements.
0:01:55.64 → 0:02:18.94
The first being that I am holding a flash sale on my Master classes and my Higher Love course. It's 50% off, which is the biggest discount I've ever given on those. And you can get any of my Master classes. So better boundaries, which is all about boundaries, go figure how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships and sex and attachments. So those are the three Master classes.
0:02:18.97 → 0:02:35.35
They're about 2 hours each. And my Higher Love course is a breakup course. And that's six modules. Fully self paced, self study, so you get instant access to all of it when you sign up. So you can use the code Love you loveyou at checkout to access that discount.
0:02:35.40 → 0:03:01.63
And I'll link all of that in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I stumbled across this show by accident a few months ago and I'm so glad I did. The podcast has helped me understand my own attachment style, and the sense of relief I now feel is massive. I finally know why I feel anxious and most importantly, what I need to do to become more secure. In fact, I've already started on this journey via the podcast and I've never before felt such a sense of calm.
0:03:01.68 → 0:03:27.15
I can finally relax. I'm looking forward to continuing this journey with Stephanie's podcast at the centre. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really love hearing that and it brings a big smile to my face. I think that your experience really speaks to the fact that so often what we need is just to be told you make sense, your experience makes sense, you're not crazy, you're not defective, you're not broken.
0:03:27.81 → 0:03:57.75
And understanding like, oh, other people are like me. And I feel understood and I feel like there's an explanation for all of this and there's a path forward. I think that in and of itself, before you even start taking those steps forward, is incredibly, as you say, relieving and calming to the system. So I'm so glad that that's been your experience. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of those master classes that I mentioned earlier.
0:03:58.49 → 0:04:42.42
Okay, so let's dive into these five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. The first tip that I want to offer you is allow yourself the time and space to grieve however you need to. I think collectively we're pretty uncomfortable with grief, whether that's grief after death or after any other ending. And I think it's really important to understand that the grieving process after a breakup is really biologically akin to any other type of grief. Obviously it can show up in different ways and circumstances will influence that, but it can take you through emotionally the same kind of process.
0:04:42.55 → 0:05:38.83
And so I think we need to approach it and honour it as such. What that means in Practise is allowing yourself to feel those feelings. Granted, you may not be able to take three months off work to stay in your pyjamas and cry all day, and that's certainly not what I'd be encouraging you to do anyway, but allowing yourself the time and space to be with whatever emotions are arising, and oftentimes those emotions will be conflicting. And so preparing yourself for that without making it mean more than it does. So it is perfectly normal to feel doubt, confusion, second guessing whether it was the right thing to do, longing for that person, wanting to reach out to them, rehashing everything that happened, anxiety, confusion, all of these things are completely normal, expected parts of the breakup experience and that grieving process.
0:05:38.92 → 0:06:20.63
And that's true irrespective of whether the relationship was healthy or unhealthy, whether the breakup was a long time coming or happened quite suddenly, we're going to go through some sort of grieving process and that's likely to come in waves. It's unlikely to be linear. And so I think the more we can go into that experience, expecting it, expecting it to be emotionally dense and turbulent, expecting it to come in waves, the less likely we are to take that experience and make it mean something. Because this is where I see people get stuck every single time we go, oh my God, I missed them so much. This cannot be the right decision.
0:06:20.97 → 0:06:47.55
If this were the right decision, there's no way that I would miss them this much or we're both so upset. Doesn't that mean that we should be trying to make it work? Maybe, but also probably not. If I'm being really honest, I think I have another episode on questions to ask before getting back together with someone that you can scroll back and find. But what I always say as a starting point is if it's just missing them, then that's not enough.
0:06:47.62 → 0:07:34.41
That's not enough of a reason to go back or to take any action with those feelings. Because missing someone is a completely normal, predictable response to a long term relationship ending. Again, any relationship ending, but especially a long term one. Because when you've been with someone for a long time, there is inherently a level of comfort and stability and predictability that you get from that relationship. Even if that relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy and not working, that's still an anchor point in your life, that you come to navigate the world via all of your daily routines and habits and what you do, how you move about the world is influenced and shaped by the relationship.
0:07:34.61 → 0:07:56.83
So when that gets taken out, you're going to feel the lack of it, you're going to feel the void and that is going to be uncomfortable. So again, being really realistic with our expectations so that we can go, okay, I really miss them. I feel really knocked off centre here. I want to reach out to them. I feel lonely, I feel sad going, yeah, okay, of course I do.
0:07:56.87 → 0:08:07.87
Of course I feel those things. That makes perfect sense. That's part of the process. Okay? It's like if you injured yourself and you felt pain, you would expect to feel pain because that's part of the process.
0:08:08.04 → 0:08:46.41
That's what's going on here. And we need to allow ourselves to feel that without frantically trying to fix or solve or make it go away. So the first one there is allow yourself to grieve without making it mean more than it does or getting stuck in the stories that can spring from those big emotions. The next one that I want to offer you is to really lean on your support people here and that will look different for everyone. But whether that's close friends who you really trust, therapist or other professional that you see family members, it's really important for a couple of reasons.
0:08:46.46 → 0:09:34.26
I think there can be a temptation to isolate ourselves again if we're not comfortable with all of the big emotions and particularly if you're someone who has a bit of a tendency to not want to burden people with your stuff. If you're used to being the support person to others, you're used to playing the carer role, then it might be really uncomfortable for the shoe to be on the other foot, for you to be in need of that support when you're so accustomed to saying, I'm fine, don't worry about me. But the reality is you do need support in this period because, again, one of the key people in your life has been taken away and they are no longer in the picture. And so you're going to need to diversify where you would usually get that support from. So don't be afraid to ask for help, to ask for support.
0:09:35.11 → 0:10:26.71
The other key piece in this one is from a nervous system point of view, you need active and regular reminders that people in relationships are good and safe and positive, that you are loved, that you can be held by other people and supported, that you can be cared for. That's very nourishing to your system and will really counter any other stories you might have around the unsafety of being alone. Again, this is particularly for people who do struggle with being alone. So people who tend more towards anxious attachment, you may have quite a lot of visceral fear around the aloneness that comes with a breakup. And so countering that by going, okay, actually, as much as my fear stories in my body want to tell me that I'm alone, and that's terrifying, I'm not alone.
0:10:26.81 → 0:10:52.54
I've got all these people around me who care about me, who are invested in my well being, who I can lean on and be held by. And so maybe as much as my body wants to tell me that this is really unsafe and we need to do something about it, which might mean reaching out to your ex and trying to backpedal on everything, no, it's okay. I have other options. I have other support people. Here they are, and I'm going to be okay.
0:10:52.59 → 0:11:30.22
I can resource myself to get through this period in a way that is grounded, that is supported, and I don't need to go into a really fear based state, even more so than I might already be, by isolating myself. Okay, the third tip that I want to give you is see this period as an opportunity to spring clean your life. So this will start to come in a little bit further down the track. I don't expect you on day three, after the breakup to start reinventing yourself. And to be clear, you don't ever have to reinvent yourself.
0:11:30.67 → 0:11:54.51
There's nothing wrong with you, right? But I think that it can be really nice and can give you a sense of renewal and agency over the story and your role in it to go. Okay. This is an opportunity right. To see it as a fresh start as a new chapter, as a new beginning.
0:11:54.59 → 0:12:17.63
And to step into that in a really empowered, deliberate way, rather than floating around rutterless going, oh, my God. How has this happened? I'm alone. I can't live without them, what am I ever going to do? Obviously that's not a very empowered story and doesn't really allow you to get intentional about what you want your life to look like in this next chapter and beyond.
0:12:17.73 → 0:12:56.14
So see it as an opportunity to sprinkle in your life, to rediscover yourself again, particularly if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment or you otherwise know that you tend to really lose yourself in a relationship, so you tend to sort of become subsumed to the relationship container. This is a really great opportunity to carve out, like, who am I? What do I like? What would my ideal be if I weren't always thinking about someone else and what they like and what they're comfortable with? How do I want my space to look?
0:12:56.24 → 0:13:08.59
What do I like to do with my free time? What food do I like to eat? What shows do I like to watch? What do I want to spend my weekends doing right? When we're so accustomed to factoring in someone else?
0:13:08.68 → 0:13:49.27
And potentially, if that's your tendency to defer to what their preference is, we can lose sight of that. And so this is actually a really, really beautiful opportunity for you to make it about you for once. So relish in that opportunity, relish in the freedom that this period can afford you. So don't waste that or lose sight of it, or be so distracted by the hard parts of the experience that you aren't noticing all of the positives. The next tip that I want to offer you is become the most fully expressed version of yourself that you can.
0:13:49.34 → 0:14:21.71
So this is kind of in a similar vein to the previous one, but become more of yourself. So if the previous one was around, kind of revamping your surroundings and your routines and all of that to suit you, this one's about becoming more of you. So doing things that once would have scared you or doing things that you never thought that you could or that you've always wanted to, but you thought, no, I couldn't do that, right? Maybe you could, right? Challenge yourself.
0:14:21.86 → 0:14:51.56
Learn to overcome those fears or nerves or embarrassment or shame or any of those other things that have held you back from doing things that you've always been curious about or interested in. Right? So again, it's kind of easy and it's not a bad thing. I think it's just true, right, that it's easy to get lazy and really comfortable and cosy in a long term relationship. I think that a lot of us who are in long term relationships can relate to that, right?
0:14:51.69 → 0:15:41.25
That it's easy to get a bit complacent around the way we spend our time. So see this period as an invitation, a permission slip to really broaden your horizons and live a little. So whether that's like taking up a new hobby, going to cooking classes, or challenging yourself physically, starting to work with a personal trainer or taking up a new sport or starting running or something that you've previously thought wasn't like you or you didn't have time for or would be too hard. I think all of those things can be really powerful in building up your self worth, your sense of self and your self confidence as you enter into this next chapter. So reflect on what would be the things.
0:15:41.34 → 0:16:16.68
Maybe it's just one or two things at the moment. How could I infuse some newness or stretch my comfort zone a little so that I'm becoming more of who I am and particularly in ways that I felt I couldn't when I was in a relationship? So stretch out that comfort zone, okay? And the last tip that I want to give you is when it comes time to date, and that might not be for a while, so please don't expect yourself to be back out there in a month, particularly if it's a long term relationship and there's a lot of processing to do. There is absolutely no rush here.
0:16:17.61 → 0:16:56.58
Expect to relapse, for want of a better term. So you might be feeling like super upbeat and positive and excited to get back out into the dating world and then maybe you download one of the apps and you feel really deflated and defeated and hopeless all of a sudden. Or you go on a couple of dates and it's underwhelming. Okay? Expect that it's going to be a bit of a process and don't expect to find your soulmate or the next person you're going to be in a long term relationship with on your first date or your first interaction on an app.
0:16:56.70 → 0:17:29.80
You need to be kind of bracing yourself for the process of dating, being hit and miss and being trial and error, and go into that with an open mind, with good humour. And again, try and see it as an opportunity rather than this drudgery, this frustrating thing that you reluctantly have to do in order to meet someone. Try and enjoy the process as much as possible. Try and approach it with a mindset of, oh, look at all these people that I get to meet. What a great opportunity.
0:17:29.93 → 0:18:02.72
That's all it has to be, right? And when I say expect to relapse, what I mean is expect to be reminded of your ex in ways that you might not have been in the intervening period. So I think it's really normal and natural to have felt like you were over them. And then you go on a date with someone and they have a trait that annoys you and you're like, oh, my ex would never have done that. We always used to laugh at people who did that or dressed like that or said things like that or liked that thing.
0:18:02.90 → 0:18:26.19
I miss them. Or you might just miss how comfortable and easeful it felt with your ex. Whereas with all these new people. You're starting from scratch and it feels difficult, and you don't know each other yet, and it's a bit awkward, and so you really just miss and crave the comfort of the comfy pair of jeans that you've worn in rather than the stiff new ones. It's really normal to feel that way.
0:18:26.26 → 0:18:53.15
And again, try not to make too much meaning out of it. Comparing new people with old people is a completely normal thing to do, so don't then go. Maybe that means that my ex is actually the right person for me. Stay the course, stick with the process, trust in the process, and know that you'll get more comfortable with it. And as time goes by, you'll get to know new people, and what starts as being a little bit awkward and uncomfortable will slowly become more comfortable.
0:18:53.20 → 0:19:17.64
Right? There was a time where you didn't know your ex and you were in that same place with them. So just allow things to blossom and grow rather than writing them off straight out of the gate from a place of comparison or fear or anxiety or whatever else might be driving that response in you. Okay, so those were five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. I hope that that has been helpful.
0:19:17.78 → 0:19:55.55
I did try to give you a bit of a spectrum there of advice ranging from very early in the process, post breakup, to that kind of midway point where you're starting to emerge from the darkness and rebuild and then ultimately going towards potentially dating again. So I hope that that's given you a lot to work with, no matter where you are in that process. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful, as always, if you could leave a five star rating or a review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts. It really does help so much, and I'm deeply, deeply appreciative of all of you who have been taking the time to do that recently.
0:19:55.65 → 0:20:16.62
It's very touching and humbling to me. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I will see you again later in the week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierig.com.
0:20:16.75 → 0:20:26.28
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to to see you again soon.