#178: When Your Partner Isn't Meeting Your Needs
It’s painful when you feel like your needs in a relationship aren’t being met. Whether it’s emotional intimacy, quality time, affection, or communication, this can lead to frustration, loneliness, and resentment — especially if you’ve voiced your needs and still don’t see change.
In this episode, we’re exploring:
Why anxiously attached people so often get stuck around needs
What to focus on if you feel stuck in a cycle of unmet needs
How to know when it’s a compatibility issue vs. a communication issue
If you’ve ever wondered whether your needs are “too much” or felt torn between self-advocacy and keeping the peace, this episode will give you clarity on how to navigate these conversations with confidence and self-respect.
Navigating Relationship Needs: A Guide to Understanding and Addressing Unmet Expectations
In the realm of relationships, unmet needs can often leave us feeling unfulfilled and questioning the foundation of our partnership. This experience is common, particularly among those with anxious attachment styles, who may find it challenging to articulate, advocate for, and ultimately have their needs met. Navigating this complex emotional landscape requires a nuanced understanding of both our own needs and those of our partner's. This guide aims to shed light on how to effectively address situations where your needs are not being met, offering insights on fostering healthier communication and discernment in relationships.
Understanding Your Needs
The journey to having your needs met begins with understanding them yourself. Many individuals grapple with identifying their needs, often questioning whether they are valid or if they are being unreasonable in their expectations. It's essential to cultivate self-awareness and trust, recognising that having needs doesn’t make you needy or demanding. Rather, acknowledging them is a step towards establishing a fulfilling connection. Being honest with yourself about what you require to feel secure and valued in a relationship is foundational.
A common barrier is the fear of seeming too demanding or being afraid of rejection. This fear can result in either suppressing needs or communicating them in a way that is laden with blame or criticism. Such approaches can trigger defensiveness rather than collaboration. Understanding and articulating your needs from a place of vulnerability—without assigning blame—can open a pathway for genuine dialogue and resolution.
Communication: The Art of Expressing Needs
Effective communication is an art form, especially when discussing unmet needs. It involves not only expressing what you require but doing so in a manner that invites cooperation rather than confrontation. One common pitfall is the tendency to equate a need with a specific action. For instance, you might express the need for connection through a request for daily texts, but the underlying need is to feel considered and valued. By focusing on the feeling or experience you seek rather than the method, you invite your partner into the solution, allowing for creative and mutually agreeable ways to fulfill that need.
When communicating your needs, clarity is key. It's crucial to articulate what you are hoping to achieve and how it contributes to your sense of well-being. However, balance is important; it's equally vital to be open to your partner's perspective and their own needs. Successful relationships are grounded in empathy and compromise, recognising that both partners have legitimate desires and limitations.
Addressing Disparities: What If Needs Aren't Met?
Sometimes, despite clear communication, needs remain unmet. This can occur for various reasons, including differing capacities, priorities, or emotional readiness. It’s important to distinguish whether the issue lies in the way a need is being communicated or if there is a genuine incompatibility in meeting that need.
If you find that your needs are consistently unmet, it’s prudent to reflect on how essential these needs are to your overall happiness and relationship satisfaction. Are these core needs non-negotiable, or is there room for flexibility? Repeated unmet needs, despite clear communication, might indicate a deeper incompatibility. This doesn’t necessarily render your partner a bad person; it simply highlights a mismatch in the ways both of you are able to fulfil each other’s emotional landscapes.
Self-Awareness and Discernment: Navigating Decisions
In relationships, discernment plays a vital role in guiding decisions about unmet needs. It's the ability to assess situations with clarity, considering what you truly value and what you are willing to negotiate. Cultivating discernment involves building a robust sense of self-awareness and trust, enabling you to make decisions that align with your values and well-being.
If your relationship struggles persist, it could indicate a fundamental mismatch, not a personal failing. Recognising this can be challenging but also liberating, allowing both partners the freedom to seek fulfilment elsewhere if necessary. The process of discernment doesn’t provide simple answers but encourages continuous reflection and growth.
Conclusion: The Path to Fulfilled Partnerships
Ultimately, navigating unmet needs within a relationship requires ongoing reflection, communication, and empathy. By understanding your own needs and approaching them with honesty and openness, you foster an environment where both partners can express and address their desires effectively. While the process may be challenging, it is through this journey that genuine, healthy, and fulfilling connections are forged. Relationships thrive not on the absence of needs but on the presence of mutually supportive efforts to meet them.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you currently identify and articulate your needs within your relationship? Do you feel confident in voicing these needs, and how does your partner typically respond?
Reflect on a time when you felt your needs weren't being met. How did you react, and would you approach the situation differently now based on what you've learned in this episode?
Consider the balance between expressing your needs and allowing flexibility in how those needs are met. Are there areas where you might be too rigid or prescriptive in your expectations?
What emotions arise for you when you think about the possibility of not having your needs met in a relationship? How can you address these emotions constructively?
Do you find yourself internalising any rejection or pushback when your needs aren't met? How can you work towards maintaining your sense of self-worth and validation independently?
In what ways can you invite your partner into a collaborative process to meet each other's needs, rather than issuing demands or criticisms?
Reflect on a relationship where you felt seen and understood in your needs. What was different about that relationship, and what lessons can you bring forward into your current or future partnerships?
Explore whether there are needs you expect your partner to meet that might be better addressed within yourself or outside the relationship. How can doing so enhance the partnership?
How might your attachment style influence the way you perceive and communicate your needs? What steps can you take to approach this with increased self-awareness?
Are there longstanding unmet needs in your relationship that might indicate a compatibility issue? How do you envision addressing these with your partner, and what outcomes are you prepared to consider?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about needs, and specifically what to do if you're in a relationship where you're not getting your needs met, and it's leaving you feeling unfulfilled, or disconnected, or unsatisfied, and maybe even questioning the relationship as a whole. So this is one that, well, I think most everyone will experience at some point or another, but particularly folks with anxious attachment tend to have a really really tough time with everything to do with needs, frankly. There's knowing what your needs are, identifying them, voicing them, advocating for them, and getting them met. It feels like from start to finish, it's a bit of a minefield, and can trigger a lot of our fears and wounds and insecurities, and oftentimes we go about getting a need met in a way that's maybe ineffective. We do that from a wounded place, and in an effort to protect ourselves against the vulnerability and the riskiness of putting ourselves out there and asking for a need to be met, we can almost encase our requests in blame or criticism or demand, because that feels a little less edgy than really showing our more tender, vulnerable parts. And I do have an episode from a while back that I'll link in the show notes which is around reasons why maybe you're not getting your needs met, and that episode talks a little bit more about different approaches that you might take in terms of how you communicate your needs, and also things like difficulty in receiving that can be part of the puzzle when we're trying to understand like what's going wrong here, where are we not lining up in terms of our needs.
[00:02:08]:
But today's episode is going to be focused a little bit more on the specific question of like, how do I go about resolving that impasse where I feel like I've communicated my needs? We're going to assume for the purposes of this discussion that you've communicated them effectively enough, and still I'm not getting my needs met. So that's really going to be the focus, giving you some insights, some things to reflect on, and hopefully some clarity around what your next step might be if you feel stuck in that kind of dynamic. Now before we dive into today's discussion, a couple of quick announcements. The first is a little celebration. Last week we reached a milestone with the podcast of 6,000,000 downloads, which is really crazy. I mean, I know that probably just sounds like a big abstract number, but for a podcast that is independently recorded and produced and edited and everything from my home office, 6,000,000 downloads is pretty wild. It is still something that I have to really pinch myself around. When I see this podcast in the top charts in pretty much every country in the world each week, in amongst all of the big names with a lot of powerful networks and backing behind them.
[00:03:21]:
It's really really touching, humbling, and it is a great honor to be able to share this with you, as I say from my little home office, for better or for worse. And so I have to thank each and every one of you, whether you've listened to all 178, I think, episodes we're up to now, or you're just dipping in for the first time or somewhere in between. It's really because of you and your support in tuning in and sharing it with the people in your lives that I'm able to keep putting the show out and that we've reached such an amazing milestone. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Second quick announcement, which is a celebration as well. Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature course as many of you would know, is turning three next week. It's been almost three years since I first launched the program. Which for a little bit of backstory was something that happened when I was totally overflowing with requests for one on one coaching.
[00:04:15]:
I had close to a thousand people on a wait list and it became apparent that that was not going to be viable. So I put together a course that distilled down everything I teach and coach people on and speak about and have learned from my own personal experience into a course. And that course was Healing Anxious Attachment. Three years later, almost 2,500 people from all over the world, I think we've had people as young as 20 and as old as 70, as far as I'm aware, it could be more than that, take the course from well over 30 countries. So it has really grown into something beyond my wildest dreams, and for that I'm so grateful. And to celebrate the third birthday of Feeling anxious attachment, I'm going to be doing something I've never done before, which is offering the course for its original price, which is quite a bit less than its current price. Since I first created the course, I've fully updated it, re recorded it, added to it. And for this birthday sale, I'm also going to be giving you exclusive bonuses including my full master class library.
[00:05:21]:
So you're going to be getting six bonus master classes in addition to getting the course for its lowest ever price. So this is really one that is not to be missed. If you have ever thought about joining, now is the time. This is very much a once off. I don't tend to run sales on healing anxious attachment because it is my signature program, and frankly, I think it's worth every penny of its regular price. But I'm in the mood to celebrate, so that is what we're going to be doing. This deal is only going to be available to people who are on the waitlist and only for twenty four hours, so you're going to want to get on the list and you're going to want to keep an eye on your inbox on the March 16. I will be very strictly enforcing those deadlines, so jump on the list.
[00:06:01]:
Link is in the show notes or on my website. I really hope to welcome lots of you into the program as part of this special occasion. Okay. So So let's get into this conversation around what to do when a partner is not meeting your needs. So here's what I see happen a lot of the time. When people who have anxious attachment patterns first come to this work, come to my work, come to me, What I'll often see is people not really knowing what their needs are, and if they have a sense of what their needs are, they don't really know if they're allowed to have them. So there's this internal dialogue of like, I want more connection, but am I asking for too much? Or I want my partner to open up to me, but I'm scared that I'm being too needy. Or I have a sense that maybe my boundary is this thing, but I'm not sure if that's actually just my anxiety or I'm being controlling, or whatever it might be.
[00:06:54]:
Right? We have a hunch as to what our needs or boundaries might be, but we have such a lack of self trust, and we're so unskilled when it comes to validating ourselves, and we maybe don't know that we are allowed to want the things we want, or feel the way we feel, or be uncomfortable with the things we're uncomfortable with. We're so unsure about that, and our internal foundation is so wobbly, that the idea of standing really firm in our needs and then communicating them to a partner, that feels really challenging. Often times people will work their way up to that and they might communicate it to a partner, but as soon as they get pushed back, they crumble, and they go like, Oh, okay. If someone says that they can't do that, or they won't do that, or that I am asking for too much, I very quickly internalize that messaging and cower in the face of someone telling me that they can't meet my needs. And of course that doesn't feel very satisfactory because the needs are still there. Whatever feelings gave rise to that part of us that wanted to express the need and wanted to shift something in the relationship, all of that is still there. But now I've got this additional layer of feeling dismissed or invalidated, or being told that my experience is not allowed, or there's not space for it in the relationship. So we can feel like we're in a bit of a quandary, we feel stuck in not wanting to let go of the relationship, feeling like we love this person, and maybe feeling like there are good things that we do want to hold on to, but knowing that there are certain key respects in which we're not getting what we need and having some real doubt around, is it something that I'm doing that is stopping this person from being able to meet me in that? Am I asking it of the wrong person? Or is there some other thing that is getting in the way here that I'm not aware of? So that's sort of scenario one.
[00:08:44]:
Another version of this which I also see a lot is that people come across the work, they learn about the fact that they're allowed to have needs, they learn about how to speak up for themselves, and then they become demanding of their partner. And I often say to students and clients of mine that I think the language of need can almost be a little bit misleading in the sense that when someone figures out, like, okay, these are my needs, and then they communicate it to a partner, it comes across with this energy of, because it's my need, you need to do this. Or, I need you to do this, in the sense of you don't have a choice in the matter because I've identified this as being one of my needs, and if you don't meet my needs then you are a bad partner or a bad person, and that's on you. So we can become a little bit entitled and righteous almost about the fact that we have to get our needs met. And that's part of the job of our partner, is to willingly meet all of our needs. And so I think that can be the other expression of this same wound, is we either get very small and almost like a little mouse and we might express a need, but as soon as we meet any pushback we cower, and we internalise the fact that we're not allowed to have needs, or we get very big and we get very loud and we get very demanding and righteous and entitled, and if someone doesn't meet our needs then we villainize them, and we make it out as if they're a terrible person because they're not meeting our needs. And I think in that scenario, we forget that they are actually their own person as well, and believe it or not, they also have needs, and they also have limits, and they also have a certain capacity, and it's not for us to dictate what they have to do. And this is where it gets really hard, and we have to bring in some of the hard truths.
[00:10:33]:
And it's something that an insecure attachment mindset, whether it's anxious or avoidant or disorganized, people with mindset, whether it's anxious or avoidant or disorganized, people with insecure attachment tend to struggle withholding two truths. We tend to be quite black and white, quite binary, quite oppositional in the way that we think. It's very like good bad, right wrong, villain victim. We're always trying to look for certainty in our thinking, when the reality is that there's always more to it than that. There's always nuance, there's always shades of grey. And so the two truths that we need to be able to hold when it comes to this conversation and needs in relationship is you're allowed to have needs, and your needs are valid, and they're yours, and they just are. Right? If you've identified that this is what I need in order to feel okay in a relationship, or to feel safe, or to feel loved, or whatever, like that's that's okay. You're allowed to have that, and you cannot demand that someone do what you want them to do in order to meet your needs, or in order to make you feel a certain way.
[00:11:31]:
So both of those things can be true, and I think we struggle to hold that. We tend to go like, Either my needs are invalid, and that's why they won't meet them, so I'm not allowed to have the needs, Or, if my needs are valid then they have to meet them, and to be said that they aren't, that's on them. And so I have to punish them, or blame them, or whatever. Right? Both of these things can be true. The needs can be valid, and someone can be unable or unwilling to meet them. Okay? So if you get to that point, and you've decided, yes these are my needs, and these needs are valid, and I know them to be the things that I really need and value in a relationship and in a partner, and my partner is unable or unwilling to meet those needs, there are a couple of things that you can do next. One is to examine whether you are being overly rigid or prescriptive about how the need is met. And again, I think this is where some of our anxious attachment patterns can get in the way and can actually block us from getting our needs met, because the core need might be, I want to feel connected to you.
[00:12:32]:
But the way that we have come to understand the need, and the way that we then communicate it to a partner is, I need you to text me throughout the day because if not, then I don't feel okay. That's not really the need. Having someone text you all day every day is not a need. Feeling connected to you, feeling like you're thinking of me, feeling important to you, feeling considered by you, those are really valid needs. But we need to bring in some flexibility around the how. I think that often times when we're being overly controlling and rigid and prescriptive about the how, that's where someone can go like, Woah. I can't do that. I can't give you what you need.
[00:13:08]:
You're asking for too much. Right? And I think that can be fair enough when we are coming in with, like, this long list of things that can feel a bit overbearing. It can feel a bit unreasonable. So if you are noticing that kind of thing, where you are being quite specific around like, I need you to do x y z thing every single day, and maybe you're being a little bit highly strung about that, to put it lightly, consider like, what is the core need? What am I wanting to feel? What am I telling myself that I will feel as a result of you doing this thing? And that will likely expose what the underlying need is. What's at the heart of this thing? And oftentimes it will be like, I want to feel important to you. I want to feel like a priority. I want to feel connected to you. I want to feel safe.
[00:13:55]:
I want to feel seen. I want to feel understood. And so if you can communicate those needs, and certainly come up with suggestions for how your partner might go about meeting that need, because I think we can have different understandings. One person could feel really connected by doing one thing, and another could have a totally different conception of what that looks like, and so we can beat a mismatch there. So offer suggestions, but be flexible as to the how, as to the solution for getting the need met. You're much more likely to get engagement from your partner when you're inviting them into the solution, rather than dictating to them what they have to do in order to meet your need, in order to make you happy. Particularly, I might add, if there's a bit of a track record or a history in the relationship of you issuing these demands and then never really being satisfied, or moving very quickly onto the next thing that you're upset, or worried, or insecure about, which we know can be a feature of anxious attachment that we're always raising the bar or moving the goalpost because we really struggle to take in that reassurance even when it is given. So being flexible and inviting your partner into the solution is likely to be much more effective in getting engagement than if you are just telling them about all the ways that they're not meeting your needs, about all the ways they're disappointing you, and then telling them very prescriptively what they have to do.
[00:15:16]:
Otherwise you won't be meeting my needs and I'm going to be angry or upset with you. That's not a very inspiring way of delivering the message, and so sometimes just changing our approach can actually get a lot more traction, than we otherwise would. The other possibility, and of course this is the one that none of us really want to face, but it is always there and it is something that we have to be honest and realistic about, is that sometimes we are asking someone to meet our needs who is unable or unwilling to. And that's where we have to get really clear for ourselves on how important is this need to me? Is it absolutely fundamental, essential, non negotiable for me in order to feel okay in a relationship, in order for me to thrive here? Is this instrumental to my sense of well-being and safety and belonging and security in a relationship? And if so, if it's been made very clear that our partner is not in a position to meet us there or to to respond to the need in the way that would allow us to feel those things, then that might be where we have to look at whether it's a compatible partnership, whether we are asking for the right thing from the wrong person. And of course there's a lot of grief tied up in making that assessment and coming to that conclusion, but that is a possibility. That there's nothing wrong with what you're asking, it's just who you're asking it of. And again, part of our growing is realizing that that doesn't make them a terrible person. It might just mean that they're not a great partner for you, they're not the best choice for you, because your particular set of needs is not compatible with their capacity or what they are able and willing to give.
[00:17:07]:
And I know that people listening to this will have the follow-up question of like, well how do I know if it's at that point? How do I know if we're at the end of the road? And there's nothing that I can give you as a really clear rubric for figuring that out. That is one where we have to be honest and discerning. But I think if you are consistently met with someone's unwillingness or even clear communication as to their inability to meet a need, and you have communicated that clearly, probably over a long period of time, and you know for yourself that that need is not only non negotiable, but it's one that you can't get met outside of the relationship, it's something that you really do need from your partner, those would all be signs that maybe you are asking it of someone who is unable to give it to you. Okay. It feels like we're ending on a bit of a heavy note, because I know that coming to that realization can be really, really challenging, and as I said, can bring up a lot of grief. But I think it can also be, in some respects, liberating to realize that we're not doing anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with us. Sometimes it's just not the right fit, and we can actually free both ourselves and the other person from the stress of putting effort in where maybe it's not going to yield what we're hoping for in response, because I know from experience how very draining and even demoralizing that can be on both sides to feel like we're just banging our head up against a wall and nothing's really moving the dial. So I hope that's been helpful in shedding a bit of light on what to do if you're not getting your needs met, different ways that you can approach that based on your situation, based on what you've tried, and maybe trying different angles or zooming out and looking at the relationship more broadly.
[00:19:02]:
As I said in the introduction, Healing Access Attachment which is on sale next week, we have a whole module to this, but I would say the whole course really equips you with the tools and the self knowing to make these decisions from a place of confidence and trust. And that's really what it's all about. It's not just looking at any one issue in isolation, it's building up our sense of self to the point where we feel equipped to navigate these sorts of tricky relationship questions with more self confidence, with more self esteem, with more self trust. And that is really truly liberating because we actually have our own back oftentimes for the first time in our lives. Okay. So I'm gonna leave it there. Thank you so much for tuning in, guys, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks so much.
[00:19:55]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, relationship podcast, attachment theory, relationships, meeting needs, unfulfilled relationships, anxious attachment, communicating needs, vulnerability, insecurity, partner communication, relationship guidance, 6,000,000 downloads, Healing Anxious Attachment course, relationship coaching, resolving relationship impasse, personal growth, podcast milestone, course anniversary, emotional needs, compatibility in relationships, understanding needs, relationship dynamics, communication strategies, personal development, attachment patterns, self-trust, relationship challenges, setting boundaries, effective communication, navigating relationships.