#139 Reflections on Self-Trust, Control & Surrender
In today's episode, I'm sharing some reflections from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth on self-trust, control and surrender. These are themes that most folks with insecure attachment patterns struggle with, and learning to trust in your capacity to navigate life's ups and downs with confidence and agency is a huge step on the path to building secure attachment.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some reflections from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth on self-trust, control and surrender. These are themes that most folks with insecure attachment patterns struggle with, and learning to trust in your capacity to navigate life's ups and downs with confidence and agency is a huge step on the path to building secure attachment.
For more episodes on building trust, check out:
Ep 124: On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Life Through Self-Trust, Control, and Surrender
In the intricate dance of life, particularly during transformative phases like pregnancy or major life changes, the concepts of self-trust, control, and surrender become profoundly resonant. Each of these elements plays a unique role in how we manage our internal landscapes and external relationships. Understanding and embracing these aspects can lead to a more harmonious and fulfilled existence.
The Essence of Self-Trust
Self-trust is foundational in our journey towards self-awareness and self-compassion. It acts as the inner compass that guides us through life's uncertainties. When we trust ourselves, we believe in our ability to confront and overcome challenges, to make decisions that align with our core values, and to maintain our path even when external circumstances attempt to swerve us off course.
Developing self-trust is not about achieving perfection or eliminating doubt entirely; rather, it's about building a reliable relationship with oneself. It instils a confidence that allows us to navigate fear, stress, and anxiety more effectively. This is especially crucial for those with insecure attachment styles, where fear of abandonment or engulfment can often dictate reactive patterns in relationships.
The Illusion of Control
Control is a seductive illusion that promises safety but often leads to rigidity and fear. It thrives on the misconception that we can safeguard ourselves against all potential harm by managing every variable. However, this is merely a coping mechanism used to comfort anxious minds.
In reality, control can trap us in cycles of behaviour that keep us from genuinely connecting with others or fully engaging with life. Whether it's micromanaging a partner or meticulously planning every aspect of one’s daily routine, over-reliance on control can stifle the spontaneity and authenticity needed for vibrant relationships.
The Power of Surrender
On the flip side of control is surrender, a concept that many might find intimidating. Surrender does not entail giving up or admitting defeat; rather, it involves acknowledging that we are not the omnipotent directors of our lives. It means accepting the natural flow of life, embracing its unpredictability, and being open to outcomes beyond our meticulous plans.
Surrender requires a deep level of trust—not just in oneself, but also in the process of life. It invites vulnerability, allowing ourselves to experience life in its full depth, without the armour of absolute control. In relationships, surrender might look like releasing the need to fix or change the other person, instead accepting them as they are and fostering a mutual growth that respects both partners’ autonomy.
Self-Trust and Surrender in Life’s Challenges
Consider the example of dealing with an unexpected life event, such as an unplanned scenario during a significant life transition. This situation can serve as an opportunity to exercise self-trust and to navigate changes with flexibility and grace. By focusing on what can be controlled — our reactions and our mindset — and surrendering to the process, we create space for resilience and unexpected joys.
Building self-trust empowers us to adapt more easily to the shifts life throws our way. It also softens the edges of our need to control, allowing for a more surrender-driven approach to life's challenges. This doesn't undermine our agency; rather, it enhances our ability to move through life with wisdom and courage.
Embracing Imperfection and Unpredictability
Life is inherently unpredictable, and a part of building self-trust is learning to be at peace with this uncertainty. This means embracing imperfection in ourselves and our circumstances, and understanding that life’s value doesn’t diminish because it doesn’t always conform to our expectations.
Embracing imperfection also allows us to experience greater empathy and compassion towards ourselves and others. It acknowledges our shared human experience, filled with its highs and lows, and can deepen our relationships built on genuine, unconditional acceptance.
Conclusion
The interplay of self-trust, control, and surrender shapes our personal growth and our interactions with others. Cultivating a strong sense of self-trust can mitigate our need for control, paving the way for healthier relational dynamics based on mutual respect and understanding, rather than fear and manipulation. Likewise, learning to surrender to the unpredictability of life can liberate us from the constraints of our own limited perspectives and open up a world of possibilities. In nurturing these qualities, we not only enhance our personal resilience but also foster deeper connections that are built to last.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. Reflect on the moments when you’ve felt the need to exercise control in a relationship or a situation. Can you identify what triggers this need for control? Do you see a connection between these moments and your feelings of security or insecurity?
2. Stephanie discusses the concept of surrendering as part of her birth experience. In what areas of your life do you find it difficult to surrender? What do you think holds you back from letting go?
3. Consider your own journey with building self-trust. What are some key experiences that have either fortified or challenged your trust in yourself?
4. Stephanie mentions the impact of unforeseen changes in her birth plan on her emotional state. Think of a time when something did not go according to your plan. How did you handle the situation? What might this reveal about your relationship with control and trust?
5. How do you generally respond to discomfort or challenges? Reflect on whether this approach has evolved over time. What might have influenced any changes in how you deal with discomfort?
6. Examine your reactions to risks and unknowns in relationships. Do you tend to retreat to safety, or can you embrace vulnerability? How does this impact your relationships?
7. Stephanie speaks about the ripple effects of building a relationship with oneself. Can you think of an example from your own life where personal growth in one area has unexpectedly benefited another area of your life?
8. Looking at your attachment patterns, whether anxious or avoidant, how might these patterns influence your need for control in relationships? How could fostering self-trust help alleviate this need?
9. Reflect on the concept of 'meeting parts of oneself that were previously unknown' as Stephanie describes during her birth experience. Have you had a similar experience where a particularly intense challenge revealed aspects of yourself you weren’t aware of?
10. Think about the balance of planning and adaptability in your life. How do you manage the tension between preparing and being open to unexpected outcomes? How could enhancing self-trust help in balancing these dynamics?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:33]:
A little while since the last episode, which I really apologise for. It was not my intention to have almost a month off, but as some of you would know from Instagram, if you follow me there or you might just have guessed, I had a baby two and a half weeks ago, which was a little bit earlier than expected. I had originally planned to have lots of podcast episodes planned and recorded and scheduled and ready to go so that they would keep rolling on when I took some time off to have a baby. But I think I overestimated how much capacity I would have in those final weeks of pregnancy. And that, combined with the fact that our little boy came a couple of weeks earlier than expected, meant that I didn't have any of those things that I had, hoped to. So we've had a little bit of a break the past few weeks. Everything is going well. Ollie, our little boy, is just gorgeous, and we've been really, really loving soaking up the newborn bubble, which has been so very sweet and exhausting and full on and perfectly lovely.
[00:01:41]:
So, thank you for your patience in this little hiatus that I've had the past month or so, but I'm really glad to be back today to offer some lessons in self trust, control, and surrender, which are themes that I've touched on before on the show, but really have been on my mind in this whole experience of pregnancy, birth, and the first couple of weeks of motherhood. And so, while this isn't an episode about those things, and you don't have to be pregnant or you don't have to have had a baby in order to relate to what I'm going to share, I thought that I'd offer some reflections based on this experience that I've recently gone through. So, you know, I talk a lot about self trust and really how having done the work of cultivating pretty deep self trust, and releasing control, and that's, you know, work that I've done personally over the past few years, how that allowed me to navigate pregnancy and birth, including, you know, certain unforeseen things, things that weren't part of the plan. How that allowed me to navigate those things with a level of trust and confidence and faith in my ability to navigate that, without, you know, crumbling into fear or stress or panic, because something wasn't part of the plan. And, you know, I think that there's lessons in this for most anyone with insecure attachment patterns, because as we'll touch on, I think whether you lean more anxious or more avoidant in your attachment patterns, control is probably something that you lean upon as a way to create a semblance of safety for yourself, when you're feeling unsafe, when you're feeling threatened, when you're feeling out of control. We all have our different mechanisms that we can rely on, whether that's controlling others or controlling our environment, you know, holding others close or pushing them away. But oftentimes, those control mechanisms actually cement us in the patterns that we're trying to shift, rather than actually being constructive in the direction of what we're trying to create now, you know, relationships with ourselves and others. So, gonna be offering some reflections on that today.
[00:04:13]:
Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share that for the next month or so, I decided to run a 50% off sale for all of my master classes and my two courses. It doesn't include healing anxious attachment, which isn't open for registration at the moment, but everything else on my website is 50% off for the next month or so, with the code Hey baby, all one word. So if you are interested in any of those master classes, I've got master classes on building trust, which is sort of in alignment with today's theme, navigating anxious avoidant relationships, boundaries, and also sex and attachment. And then Higher Love, my breakup course, and Secure Together, which is my couples course or relationship course. All of those are 50% off for the next month with the code, hey, baby. So if you're interested in any of those, now would be a great time, and I'll link all of that in the show notes for you. Okay. So let's talk about self trust, control, and surrender.
[00:05:14]:
Now, as I've spoken about so many times before, for me, self trust has been absolutely formative in my relationship with myself. And, you know, that journey for me from insecure attachment, from anxious attachment, to feeling a pretty strong sense of security. Now, as I've said before, that doesn't mean that I never feel anxious, that I never feel stressed, that I never have those, you know, fear driven thoughts. Those patterns are pretty etched in, and those voices can pop up from time to time. But having built up a foundation of self trust has really allowed me to not only navigate those fears, those old wounds within my relationship, but it's had such a ripple effect into my life more broadly. Because I think that oftentimes when we have fear and particularly insecure attachment type fear, the internal dialogue, whether it's, you know, literally there or it's kind of buried underneath whatever the surface level fears are, is, you know, something perhaps gonna happen, and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it. I'm gonna be trapped. I'm gonna be helpless.
[00:06:32]:
I'm going to be alone, and, you know, backed up against the wall with my hands tied, and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it. So for someone with more anxious patterns, it's, you know, might be that someone's gonna leave me or I'm gonna be trapped in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about me, who's never gonna show up for me, and I'm gonna, you know, be fighting against this for the rest of my life, and you're never going to be able to meet my needs. All of those things, the sense of being lonely within the relationship, feeling emotionally abandoned and powerless to do anything the the fear around helplessness and a loss of control tends to be, you know, I'm gonna be trapped in an unfulfilling relationship or an imperfect one where I'm gonna lose myself and, you know, I'm just going to be unhappy and life's going to feel really empty. And that feels terrifying. You know, what if I'm trapped in a loveless relationship or or whatever? And so these different fears around a loss of control and a feeling of helplessness can really be very persuasive, can be very all encompassing. And I think that they ultimately do boil down to a lack of self trust, this sense of, you know, something is going to happen that is beyond my control, and I'm gonna be powerless in the face of that. And I think oftentimes those stories are coming from young parts of us, right, Parts that forget that we have agency, and we have choice, and we have tools available. I think that, you know, that feeling of powerlessness and being kind of small and helpless, is not coming from our wise adult self.
[00:08:23]:
It's coming from something, you know, that goes further back than that. And there's often, you know, if we dig into it, we can find where does this originate within me, this fear story that feels so true and so big and all encompassing. But I think because of that, because that undercurrent of a lack of self trust is so pervasive in insecure attachment, building self trust is really, really key, in shifting those patterns. And that allows us to not only feel more at peace in our relationships, but really trust in the unfolding, trust in, you know, imperfection, trust in the ebb and flow of life, of relationships, rather than seeing every little thing as a warning sign that the worst is coming, you know, that this is exactly what I feared, and it's all gonna unravel. And, again, I'm gonna be trapped. So I wanted to share a little about my recent experience with self trust and and releasing control, arising from my pregnancy and my birth. So I had a really, really beautiful pregnancy. I absolutely loved being pregnant.
[00:09:39]:
I know that's, not everyone's experience, and I know that a lot of people raise their eyebrows at me when I say that. I'm, you know, just 2 weeks postpartum, and I already really miss being pregnant despite having my beautiful baby boy to keep me busy. But I think that, you know, part of that experience of of really loving pregnancy, I was feeling so connected to myself, feeling, you know, very little fear or anxiety around birth itself. I know that a lot of people really struggle with the mindset aspect of birth because there's been, you know, so much fear programmed into pregnancy and birth. And so a lot of people really struggle to trust in that process. But I think for me, I was really excited throughout my whole pregnancy to experience birth. Again, that might sound crazy to some people who, you know, whether you've given birth yourself and it wasn't a good experience or you've not given birth and you, like most people, have just seen the depictions of birth that, you know, dominate mainstream TV shows and and movies and and the rest of it, and it shows birth as being this, you know, horrible experience to be endured rather than, you know, anything positive. But for me, I was really looking forward to the opportunity in birth to meet parts of myself that I hadn't met before, that you know, I hadn't been brought into contact with.
[00:11:17]:
And, like, yes, I knew it was gonna be intense and challenging, but I think that, again, for me, having done a lot of work over the past few years around my relationship with myself, I relate to discomfort and challenge and intensity very differently to how I once did. You know, not that long ago in my life, maybe, you know, 5 years ago, I really shied away from anything that was uncomfortable. I was very happily, you know, nestled inside my comfort zone, and, I just didn't really push it at all. But that also kept my life very small. And so, you know, having done work around this, around building self trust, around building like, faith in my own capacity to navigate hard things, meant that I was really looking forward to that opportunity, to really dig deep and to be, you know, to really be pushed to the edge of what I knew I was capable of and to experience the depth of that intensity, and, you know, stay in that and really prove to myself what what was possible. And so for me, birth was something that I was very much looking forward to. I had been planning a home birth with my beautiful midwife. And for me, home birth was, you know, an opportunity to kind of let birth do its thing without intervention or interruption or, you know, really trusting in my body's capacity to give birth when it felt safe.
[00:13:10]:
Unfortunately, towards the end of my pregnancy, my blood pressure started creeping up. And at 38 weeks, I developed preeclampsia, which is a blood pressure related complication for anyone who's not familiar. And that meant that I was not able to have a home birth anymore. I had to transfer to hospital and be induced, which was really disappointing because I really, really wanted to give birth at home. For me, that was so important to my whole vision around birth and my own sense of safety and trust. And I really didn't wanna have an induction for me. That was just a lot of intervention. You know, giving birth in the hospital, I know that that's a really comfortable environment for a lot of people.
[00:14:00]:
For me, it's just not. And so there were a lot of things about that late change in plans that were stressful for me. And I really, you know, had a lot of resistance and a lot of kind of fear and stress around it. And yet, I knew that if I allowed that mindset to take hold, that sense of this wasn't the plan, this isn't how it's meant to be, it's all gonna go to shit now. You know, I I don't have any control over this. And if I allow myself to kind of panic around that, then I would be giving up a lot of my power. And I didn't wanna do that. So I really had to put myself to the test in terms of mindset, and remind myself that, you know, while this wasn't what I'd hoped for, this wasn't the plan.
[00:14:57]:
There were still things that were within my control. I still had capacity to make certain choices within the new parameters of, you know, the situation, the circumstances. And it didn't have to be this all or nothing thing. It didn't have to be, well, there was plan a, but I can't do that now. So plan b, I just have to completely give up on what I was hoping for and what I wanted. And so I, again, really had to dig deep on the mindset front, and not really allow myself to just crumble into the circumstances that were disappointing to me and that sense of grief around not being able to birth at home. And I really think that, you know, in the end, I I had a beautiful birth in hospital. Again, it wasn't the vision, you know, like being hooked up to a drip and all of those things, were not part of the plan.
[00:15:57]:
But I still had a beautiful, unmedicated intervention free, as much as was possible, birth. And it really did allow me to dig into the depths of myself to come into contact with parts of myself that I didn't know were there. And it was bloody hard. It was really, really intense and, you know, more so than I could have imagined. But it was incredibly powerful, and I really believe that my ability to have that experience was a result of my self trust. And, you know, I don't think that we really can surrender without trust. And so whether that's something that resonates with you in the context of a relationship, whether you struggle to let go of control, whether you maybe have the view that, you know, you have to make sure that everything's perfect and certain before you surrender, which I think is a common one. It's like, oh, yeah.
[00:17:11]:
I'll I'll surrender once I've eliminated all risk, which kind of defeats the purpose, right? There's no vulnerability without risk. There's no surrender when we feel like we're in absolute control. It's actually only vulnerable to the extent that we are stepping into some level of unknown and risk, and trusting in spite of that and being courageous in spite of that. So I wanted to share that with you, some reflections on self trust and control and surrender from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth, whether you are in that season of life and this is kind of directly applicable to you in that sense, or whether the pregnancy and birth aspect is completely irrelevant to you, but you struggle with those things in relationships. I suppose I offer this as a reminder of how pervasive and deeply important it is to prioritise these aspects of our relationship to self, and how building that up can have really beautiful but unintended consequences or ripple effects in other areas of life, beyond our relationships. I do have a few other episodes around, you know, more of the how on building self trust, which I'll link in the show notes for anyone who wants to dig into that. As I mentioned, I also have a whole masterclass on building trust, which, covers both trust in relationships and self trust, which along with everything else is available at 50% off for the next month or so, while I'm taking some time and space to hang out with my beautiful baby boy. So I'm gonna do my very best to record a few episodes so that there's not such a big gap between this and the next.
[00:19:19]:
But that will be a matter of controlling what I can control, which at the moment, I cannot control the, feeding and but thank you and thank you for all of the well wishes and beautiful messages that I've received from so many of you on Instagram and elsewhere. I really appreciate your support and all of the love of this community. It means the world to me, so thank you for joining me. I hope that this has been helpful for you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:05]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, self trust, control, surrender, pregnancy, birth, motherhood, insecurity, relationship coach, podcast, personal growth, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, emotional safety, parenting, newborn care, self-reflection, overcoming fear, mindset, personal development, relationship advice, coaching, online courses, master classes, couples therapy, navigating relationships, boundaries, self-improvement, health
#138 What to Do When a Partner Pulls Away
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to navigate a partner pulling away. If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, a partner's withdrawal or disengagement can feel extremely distressing - and yet, many of our go-to strategies for managing that distress can ironically have the effect of pushing someone further away.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to navigate a partner pulling away. If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, a partner's withdrawal or disengagement can feel extremely distressing - and yet, many of our go-to strategies for managing that distress can ironically have the effect of pushing someone further away.
We'll cover:
What to do when someone pulls away in an early dating context
Why we feel drawn to pursuing connections with people who are inconsistent
How to navigate a partner repeatedly leaving and coming back
What to do when a long-term partner is emotionally withdrawn or distant
Navigating Emotional Distancing in Relationships
Relationships are a dynamic journey replete with ebbs and flows. Emotional distancing, where one partner withdraws or pulls away, can be a bewildering and painful experience. Handling this situation sensitively is key to fostering resilience in the relationship and within oneself.
The Early Stages of Dating: Responding to Withdrawal
When a budding connection seems to cool without warning, it often breeds confusion and distress. In early dating scenarios, direct communication is crucial. One might feel inclined to skirt around the issue, fearfully tiptoeing to avoid perceived rejection or abandoning the budding connection. However, clear and non-confrontational queries about any perceived change in behaviour can provide much-needed clarity.
It is helpful to consider your own reactions to withdrawal. Why does this withdrawal seem to beckon you into a chase? A confident, secure individual views inconsistency and flakiness as signs of a poor fit and a lack of reciprocity. On the other hand, someone who harbours self-doubt may perceive these as personal failures and an invitation to attempt to amend or adapt.
The Significance of Communicating Needs
With less invested connections, maturity in communication can open doors to understanding and potentially mending what may simply be a misunderstanding or a partner's personal issues. Presenting your observations without drama or over-emphasis can pave the way for an open dialogue – or alternatively give you the insights you need to make a decision about moving on.
Mixed signals should be a signal in themselves. Rather than obsessing over piecing together contradictory messages, it may be more constructive to recognise the red flags inherent in confusion and hesitancy. Prioritising someone who appreciates and invests in your time and emotions is essential.
Within Committed Relationships: Boundaries and Understanding
Within an established relationship, repeated cycles of pulling away and returning can create turbulence and emotional insecurity. Addressing this behaviour directly, with empathy and firmness, is paramount. It's vital to convey how such patterns impact your sense of safety within the relationship and assert boundaries regarding the permanence and stability you require.
The legitimacy of one's feelings when asserting boundaries must be acknowledged. Guidelines can be set in the spirit of nurturing the relationship, rather than as ultimatums that enforce control. Collaboration to address underlying issues and establish healthier coping mechanisms can strengthen the bond, allowing for steadier navigation through rough emotional waters.
Emotional Retreat: A Partner's Quiet Withdrawal
When one's partner becomes emotionally reticent without threatening the relationship's foundation, a different approach is warranted. A withdrawal can occur due to a myriad of reasons—stress, personal contemplation, mood fluctuations—and doesn't necessarily signal problems within the relationship.
Giving your partner the space to process their emotions without undue pressure can lead to a quicker and healthier resolution. It demonstrates trust in their ability to manage their internal state. Moreover, it is an opportunity for self-growth, finding comfort in one's own company and drawing strength from independence.
The confluence of personal growth and empathetic support often leads to a more resilient relationship, where temporary withdrawal does not precipitate a crisis but is seen as a natural part of the human condition. This mature outlook enables both partners to maintain a sense of personal integrity while being emotionally tuned in to each other.
Conclusion: Cultivating Resilience and Empathy
What is clear is that the journey of any relationship involves traversing paths of connection and moments of solitude. Understanding the nuances of emotional withdrawal, whether it is temporary or indicative of deeper issues, can make a significant difference in how we respond to our partner's needs and our own.
The bedrock of a thriving relationship is empathy, communication, and respect for each person's emotional landscape. By practising direct communication, self-awareness, and tolerance for the natural rhythms of intimacy, we can navigate the complex dance of human relationships with grace and resilience, fostering deeper connections with others and ourselves.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How do you typically respond when you sense a partner starting to pull away? Reflect on the emotions this triggers in you, and consider where these feelings might be rooted in your past experiences.
2. Think about a time when a partner's withdrawal made you feel the need to 'fix' the situation immediately. Is this reaction based more on your discomfort with disconnection, or on genuine concern for your partner's well-being?
3. When someone you've been casually dating begins to show less interest, do you find yourself trying harder to regain their attention? Explore your motivations behind this and consider what it means for your sense of self-worth.
4. Can you identify a cycle of breakups and reunions in your current or past relationships? Reflect on how this pattern affected your emotional security and the overall health of the relationship.
5. Consider the notion that mixed signals could be a red flag rather than a challenge to overcome. How does this perspective shift the way you might approach inconsistencies in someone's behaviour during the early stages of dating?
6. Reflect on your boundaries: If you've experienced repeated patterns of a partner threatening to leave the relationship, what are some healthy boundaries you might set going forward? How would you communicate these to your partner?
7. Recall an instance when a significant other was emotionally distant due to their own issues. How did you handle giving them space while maintaining your own emotional well-being?
8. Discuss how self-reliance plays a role in allowing a partner to have their space. How can you better resource yourself when you feel a tendency to become tethered to your partner's mood and emotional state?
9. Have you ever found yourself persisting in a relationship despite clear signs of a partner's disinterest or inconsistent investment? If so, what did it take for you to shift your focus from trying to salvage the connection to prioritizing your own well-being?
10. Think about a relationship in which you felt safe to express doubts or insecurities without fearing abandonment. Contrast this with a relationship where such safety was not present. What can you learn from these experiences in fostering security within your current or future relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about what to do when your partner pulls away or withdraws. So this is a question that I have received in many forms, many times from people in my community. And I think it's a big question because obviously it spans so many different sets of circumstances and contexts. And so in answering this question and sharing some thoughts around this, I'm going to split it up into different scenarios. So if someone that you're in the early stages of dating starts to pull away, you know, that's a very different scenario to if someone you've been in a long term relationship with for a couple of years is being withdrawn and pulling away. And I think while it might activate similar circuitry within you, I think what is appropriate in terms of how you respond to that might be different, and my advice would probably differ.
[00:01:28]:
So I'm going to speak to those different versions of the scenario where someone that you're in a relationship with or connected with, is pulling away. And while I haven't explicitly made this about anxious and avoidant attachment, I think it would be fair to say that I'm mostly speaking to people who probably lean more anxious here and have been in the situation of having someone who leans more avoidant, pulling away. As we know, that's the more typical scenario. So while it's not exclusively that, and of course, there will always be variations on the theme, that's probably in most cases going to be what we're talking about today. Before I dove into today's episode, I just wanted to share I've done a really terrible job at sharing this, but there is a YouTube channel that I created a little while ago that we've been uploading podcast recordings to. So you can find me on YouTube if you're someone who likes to watch. We've been uploading full length episodes, but also shorter clips from both recent episodes and then more archive stuff from a little while back. So if you're a YouTuber, it would be super helpful for me in growing on that platform.
[00:02:40]:
If you would check it out, it's I think my handle is just . You know, like, subscribe, engage all of that. And you know, as I said, if you're someone who appreciates having something to watch in addition to having something to listen to, definitely go check me out on YouTube. The second announcement in a similar vein, which is also me being very terrible at sharing this is I've had a few people ask me about transcripts and other things for the podcast. The podcast actually has its own website. So if you go to on attachment.com, we have a page for every episode. And on those pages, we have not only the show notes, and links to other resources, but we have full transcripts of the episodes, and even, like, discussion questions, reflection questions that arise out of the topic of the episode. Read sometimes get reviews and feedback from people saying that they want to listen and relisten and go back and take notes and, you know, write things down.
[00:03:37]:
If you're someone who likes to engage with the podcast in that manner, on attachment.com is a really great resource for you and and has a lot of stuff there. So those are 2 announcements that I've been meaning to make for a long time, that I've been doing a very terrible job at telling people that those things exist, but those resources are there for anyone who wants them and, of course, totally free. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner or someone that you're seeing pulls away and withdraws. And I think, as always, I like to kind of set the scene by validating how hard this can be and why it's hard, particularly if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns. So as we know, and I've talked about this to death on the podcast, so I won't spend too much time on it. If you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, closeness, proximity, connection equals safety. And so to have someone that you're in relationship with pull away and that can be in really explicit or overt ways in that they disappear, or they say they need space or something quite upfront, or it could be the more subtle shifts in energy that you are likely very highly attuned to and very almost hypervigilant or, you know, super perceptive to any change in temperature or energy within the relationship.
[00:05:01]:
That's likely to send your system into some level of disarray, because we know that any kind of loss of connection or shift in connection feels like a precursor to abandonment, rejection, you know, aloneness in a way that is likely to be really triggering and upsetting and stressful for you. And so you might notice that at the slightest hint of disconnection, your system goes into full on, I need to fix this mode, whether that's by you know, trying to close the gap or testing or probing or, you know, if you've got an inkling that something's wrong, then know, asking your partner a 1000000 times what's wrong? Are you sure nothing's wrong? Really seeking that reassurance. And you know, that can be in and of itself a really stressful experience for you. Now adding to that, if someone really is pulling away and you feel increasingly sort of powerless and stressed and overwhelmed, obviously, that's not a nice place to be. And you probably don't need me to tell you that continuing to sort of grab at someone, whether literally or figuratively, you know, pushing them away is often what ends up happening, when that's the opposite of what we wanna do. We're actually trying to get some safety for ourselves, but the way that we go about it will often have the effect of pushing someone further away when they're already disengaging for whatever reason. So as I said in the introduction, I think it's useful to delineate here between different sorts of circumstances because, you know, if my partner of several years is being withdrawn, then obviously I'm gonna approach that in a very different way to if I was, you know, chatting with someone who I'd been on 2 dates with and they started to pull away or or send mixed messages. And I think that, you know, to lump them all in the same category would be reductive and and probably unhelpful.
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So I'm going to start by talking about the more casual situation where you know in a dating context, if you've connected with someone, you know, maybe you've been chatting a lot, maybe like you're really, really excited and it feels really good and you've been on a couple of dates, maybe you've even, you know, slept together or or whatever, but, like, it's feeling like there's momentum there. And then suddenly things start to shift and they start to be a little distant. They start to pull away. Maybe they're less available. You know, they're suddenly making excuses for why they can't see you. The tone of their messages changes, all of those sorts of things, which unfortunately, I think happens quite a lot. And I'm sure a lot of you are nodding your head and feeling quite seen by that situation because I know that in in the dating world, it is unfortunately quite common for people to pull away without necessarily directly communicating. And as I said, you know, all of that is likely to really be very jarring and quite distressing for you, particularly if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, whose tendency, I suppose, is to internalize all of that and go, what have I done wrong? You know, did they decide they didn't like me? You know, what changed? And kind of go into overdrive trying to find the answers to that and, you know, reverse engineer a solution.
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And oftentimes that revolves around how can I change myself or, you know, make them like me again? And so it becomes this attempt at earning someone's approval, working really, really, really hard to restore whatever connection was there that feels like it's slipping away from you. So what do you do in that situation where someone who you've kind of been casually seeing or there's been, you know, the early stages of a connection with starts to be a bit distant and pulling away. So I think that you're probably not going to like this answer because it's not an answer that is like a hack to get them to reengage. Right. But there's a few pieces here that I want to point to, and I think one of them is just communicate. And, you know, I think you can name what you're feeling without going too overboard with it or being too grave or serious. You can simply call out, hey, it feels like you've been a little withdrawn the past few days, weeks, whatever is appropriate. Just wondering whether everything's okay.
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Wanted to check-in. Let me know how you're feeling or whether you'd like to chat. And I think that you can generally gauge from someone's response to something like that where they're at. And if they come back with more kind of flakiness or distance, then that's probably very telling. Or, you know, they might be able to give you insight into something else that's going on in their life that it gives a little context for why they've been distant, at which point you can be sympathetic and then say that you'd, you know, love to hear from them a little more frequently or catch up or whatever. So being mature and communicate directly is a good first port of call. I know that that's probably counterintuitive for most people because again, particularly among those with more anxious patterns, the tendency to think that you've done something wrong and then worry that you're pushing someone away by being too clingy means that you're disinclined to communicate directly and advocate for yourself and just be upfront. And you tend to go for the more indirect sideways approaches of trying to gather information without, you know, opening yourself up to potential rejection, I suppose, is probably the best way to put it.
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And just asking someone outright, you know, are you still interested? How are you feeling? What's going on? You seem to be withdrawn. Can feel much more vulnerable than just, you know, tiptoeing around it and trying to figure out what's going on, but not in a way that exposes you to that potential rejection, and all of the uncomfortable feelings that might come with it. But I think that the cost of that tiptoeing is that we end up persisting in the face of someone's disinterest, right, or someone's lack of investment in us. And I think that that is very costly to our sense of self confidence, self esteem, self worth. So the direct communication approach, I think, is a really good one. The other piece that I wanted to speak to and I've sort of already alluded to it, is that it's it's really important to reflect on what it is about someone's disinterest that is so enticing to us. And as I say enticing, I don't mean like directly exciting in a conscious sense, but we have to get a bit curious about, you know, why someone sending mixed signals, someone not really showing that much interest, why does that feel like an invitation for us to try harder to get them to show interest, to prove ourselves, to earn their love, to, you know, be better, be different, be otherwise? Because I think the the secure person doesn't feel so seduced by that game. A secure person sees someone's lack of investment or someone's inconsistency or flakiness, as an indicator that that's not a great fit and that there's a lack of reciprocity in that dynamic and that it's maybe not worth investing in because they don't feel terribly respected by this person in terms of themselves, but also their time and energy.
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Whereas I think when we're coming from a foundation of low self worth, that does feel like this seductive challenge almost of they're giving me some attention, or they were giving me attention, but now they're not. So how do I get back to that place? What can I do? What can I change? How can I be towards them that will bring us back into connection? Because I've internalized the loss of connection as being a comment on my worth, as being my fault, as being something, you know, wrong with me. And so I have to restore that so that I don't feel like there's something wrong with me. All of that to say, I think a lot of it is our own work and our own self reflection. There's a lot there to explore and understand about ourselves. Why is this appealing to me? Why do I find myself? Particularly if this is a repeated pattern for you and you are continually finding yourself in this situation of persisting in the face of someone's lukewarm attention or very hot and cold inconsistent flakiness, why do I see that as something worth pursuing rather than just spending my time and energy with the people who are interested in me? So I think that in summary, in that early dating kind of scenario, be upfront in communicating. I think the other thing, and I've said this before, sometimes rather than trying to decipher which of someone's mixed signals are the truth, If someone's saying one thing and then saying another thing, I think that actually just realizing that the fact of someone's very mixed communication, inconsistent messaging, if you're racking your brains, feeling really confused and full of doubt at the very early stages of a relationship, is that something that you want to continue to invest in? Because that's a pretty big red flag at the outset for you to be feeling so unsure of how they feel about you, how invested they are. And so I think that when we kind of march past those signals and then later wonder, you know, where it all went wrong, maybe we're not being fully honest with ourselves about what was apparent in those early stages and what we were willing to look past in the interest of maintaining a connection because it felt good.
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So I want to pivot now to the other scenario, which is, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone and they are pulling away, withdrawing. And when I say relationship, again, there's a 1,000,001 different variations of what that could look like. But something that is, you know, committed and, you know, clear that you are together. It doesn't have to be super long term, but at least there's some clarity that you're in a relationship and and the level of investment and kind of mutual understanding there. And I think that when someone pulls away in this scenario, again, there's sort of different branches of the tree because pulling away might be, you know, someone actually saying I need space or I don't know about being in this relationship anymore, you know, actually trying to maybe end the relationship and then coming back again. Or it might just be someone kind of emotionally withdrawing while still in the relationship. So I think in a scenario where someone is repeatedly pulling away in the sense of saying, you know, I need space or I'm not sure about this. I don't know if this is going to work out, you know, actually going and then coming back again, in a way that feels like it's leaving the existence of the relationship in question in some way.
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You know, are we actually still together? Or it's, undermining that really, the foundation of the relationship. I think in that scenario, boundaries and kind of a firm conversation around that is really, really important. I've said this before, I think threatening a breakup or having cycles in a relationship where you repeatedly break up and get back together is just so detrimental. It's virtually impossible to build a secure relationship where that is a theme that is recurring in particularly in your conflicts, if that's always on the table or, you know, if that's where things escalate to every time they escalate, then it's impossible to have any emotional safety. It's impossible to have really vulnerable conversations because there's always this existential threat looming over the relationship. And so it's really easy to go, you know, I don't wanna say that thing because I don't want it to escalate in that direction because I don't wanna lose the relationship. And so I think it creates this this culture inside a relationship of suppression and hiding and tiptoeing, followed by these big blowouts and then no adequate repair. And it really is very, very hard to build anything sustainable or healthy from that place.
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So if it were me and my partner were going through cycles of saying, you know, I don't think I can do this or, you know, I need space. So I think we should take time apart or whatever again and again and coming back and going again. I think the for me, it would be a very firm boundary of I understand whatever, you know, doubts you might be having, and I don't wanna make you wrong for that. But equally, it's very challenging for me to persist in this environment of uncertainty in the relationship. And that's just not gonna work for me going forward because I know what that costs me. So if we're gonna continue to be in this relationship, I need to know that you are committed and I really need to draw a bright line in the sand on the threatening to leave or the leaving and coming back again because that level of of kind of chaos, uncertainty, unpredictability around the very foundation of our relationship is untenable for me. So, you know, talking to someone pretty firmly and saying you know, advocating for yourself in that, while seeking to understand it's not making them wrong because there's some very valid fear or pain that is driving them to behave in that way over and over again. It's not just them trying to hurt you, I can guarantee it.
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It's them trying to protect themselves from something. So certainly seeking to understand, but having that conversation of how can we go about managing this or, you know, how can, you know, you support yourself? How can I support you? How can we support each other in a way that doesn't look like you leaving all the time? Because that's just not going to fly. Finally, in this scenario where you're in a relationship and someone's just kind of emotionally withdrawn, but it's not, you know, that that thing of, like, pulling away or, like, actually leaving and coming back in a way that's ever throwing the relationship into question. For me, sometimes in my relationship, Joel will pull away in the sense of when he's stressed or when he's just not feeling great, he's feeling a bit flat or whatever. I know that he withdraws into himself. That's what he knows to do. That's very much his, like, default mechanism. And in the past, that was really challenging for me because, you know, again, all of the anxious patterns there see someone's withdrawal as some sort of precursor to something bad happening, or at least this sense of I can't reach you when you're there, so I don't know how to make this better.
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And feeling like you don't know how to make something better when someone else's pain feels like it's threatening the connection. They can feel very out of control, and you can feel like you kind of have your hands tied and someone has put themselves behind a brick wall, and you don't know how to reach them, and you don't know what to do about it. And you can feel really powerless and, you know, feeling bad for them that they're in that experience, but also kind of selfishly not knowing how to make it better for yourself when you feel like your comfort and security is tied to some level of harmony and connection. So that used to be really challenging for me. It still is sometimes. I don't love it when he withdraws into himself. But I think we've gone to a place now where I can kind of trust in his ability to manage that. And I know that it's not about me.
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I know that that will pass and that I can, you know, offer a level of support without needing to rush in to try and fix it. And funnily enough, my, you know, giving him space to be in his process typically means he comes out of it much more quickly and easily than if I'm kind of hovering around and and trying to, you know, probe or fix or make it go away. Because I think that from his perspective, when he's withdrawn into himself, it's because he doesn't want to inflict his internal state onto me. And he's kind of doing that as a way to not only protect himself, but also protect me from whatever's going on. So, you know, having had conversations around that and, you know, having a level of, for me, self regulation and ability to just, you know, take care of myself when, you know, he's a little withdrawn or flat or moody or or those things without spiraling into making it about me or needing to fix it. Actually, just going and doing my own thing and and trusting that it will pass has been really, really effective. And I think that that's kind of good advice in many cases, in this scenario where it's not like something really tumultuous is happening, but your partner's just a little bit withdrawn or or pulling away, maybe unavailable for connection or a little bit kind of moody or irritable or or just going through their own stuff in a way that leads them to pull away from you a bit. I think that trusting in the the macro picture of the relationship rather than fixating on micro moments of disconnection and urgently needing to fix them, rushing in.
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I think that that can be really supportive for both of you. And, you know, I say both of you because I think having that practice of, I can be fine even if I'm not connected to you right in this moment. There are plenty of things that I can offer to myself that are really resourcing, that I can, you know, go and, you know, spend time alone or with other people or do things and not allow my mood and my state to be tethered to yours in a way that, you know, I feel really off center because you're not a 100% yourself. So, yeah, I think that that's good advice. Of course, having some communication around it, but it doesn't have to be something that you need to eliminate in a relationship because I think the more we can increase our tolerance for someone ebbing and flowing, even when it's not our preference or it's not comfortable for us, I actually think that that's a really positive growth experience. Okay. So that was some thoughts on what to do when a partner's pulling away. Someone that you're seeing is pulling away.
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I hope that that's been helpful in giving you some things to think about. I'm I realize that that's kind of covered a big spectrum, and and hopefully there's something in there for people at lots of different points in the journey, whether you're dating or in a relationship or somewhere in between. As always, if you've enjoyed this episode, I'm so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. I read every single one and I'm always so touched by your very kind and generous words of feedback. So thank you all for continuing to support the podcast in all of the ways that you do, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:05]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, relationship coach, partner withdrawal, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, communication in relationships, dating scenarios, long-term relationships, YouTube channel, podcast transcripts, show notes, relationship dynamics, self-esteem in relationships, self-worth, boundaries in relationships, relationship uncertainty, emotional withdrawal, managing stress in relationships, self-regulation, coping with disconnection, relationship commitment, secure attachment, relationship patterns, mixed signals, relationship consistency, partner support, relationship resilience