Reflections on Self-Trust, Control & Surrender
In today's episode, I'm sharing some reflections from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth on self-trust, control and surrender. These are themes that most folks with insecure attachment patterns struggle with, and learning to trust in your capacity to navigate life's ups and downs with confidence and agency is a huge step on the path to building secure attachment.
For more episodes on building trust, check out:
Ep 124: On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Life Through Self-Trust, Control, and Surrender
In the intricate dance of life, particularly during transformative phases like pregnancy or major life changes, the concepts of self-trust, control, and surrender become profoundly resonant. Each of these elements plays a unique role in how we manage our internal landscapes and external relationships. Understanding and embracing these aspects can lead to a more harmonious and fulfilled existence.
The Essence of Self-Trust
Self-trust is foundational in our journey towards self-awareness and self-compassion. It acts as the inner compass that guides us through life's uncertainties. When we trust ourselves, we believe in our ability to confront and overcome challenges, to make decisions that align with our core values, and to maintain our path even when external circumstances attempt to swerve us off course.
Developing self-trust is not about achieving perfection or eliminating doubt entirely; rather, it's about building a reliable relationship with oneself. It instils a confidence that allows us to navigate fear, stress, and anxiety more effectively. This is especially crucial for those with insecure attachment styles, where fear of abandonment or engulfment can often dictate reactive patterns in relationships.
The Illusion of Control
Control is a seductive illusion that promises safety but often leads to rigidity and fear. It thrives on the misconception that we can safeguard ourselves against all potential harm by managing every variable. However, this is merely a coping mechanism used to comfort anxious minds.
In reality, control can trap us in cycles of behaviour that keep us from genuinely connecting with others or fully engaging with life. Whether it's micromanaging a partner or meticulously planning every aspect of one’s daily routine, over-reliance on control can stifle the spontaneity and authenticity needed for vibrant relationships.
The Power of Surrender
On the flip side of control is surrender, a concept that many might find intimidating. Surrender does not entail giving up or admitting defeat; rather, it involves acknowledging that we are not the omnipotent directors of our lives. It means accepting the natural flow of life, embracing its unpredictability, and being open to outcomes beyond our meticulous plans.
Surrender requires a deep level of trust—not just in oneself, but also in the process of life. It invites vulnerability, allowing ourselves to experience life in its full depth, without the armour of absolute control. In relationships, surrender might look like releasing the need to fix or change the other person, instead accepting them as they are and fostering a mutual growth that respects both partners’ autonomy.
Self-Trust and Surrender in Life’s Challenges
Consider the example of dealing with an unexpected life event, such as an unplanned scenario during a significant life transition. This situation can serve as an opportunity to exercise self-trust and to navigate changes with flexibility and grace. By focusing on what can be controlled — our reactions and our mindset — and surrendering to the process, we create space for resilience and unexpected joys.
Building self-trust empowers us to adapt more easily to the shifts life throws our way. It also softens the edges of our need to control, allowing for a more surrender-driven approach to life's challenges. This doesn't undermine our agency; rather, it enhances our ability to move through life with wisdom and courage.
Embracing Imperfection and Unpredictability
Life is inherently unpredictable, and a part of building self-trust is learning to be at peace with this uncertainty. This means embracing imperfection in ourselves and our circumstances, and understanding that life’s value doesn’t diminish because it doesn’t always conform to our expectations.
Embracing imperfection also allows us to experience greater empathy and compassion towards ourselves and others. It acknowledges our shared human experience, filled with its highs and lows, and can deepen our relationships built on genuine, unconditional acceptance.
Conclusion
The interplay of self-trust, control, and surrender shapes our personal growth and our interactions with others. Cultivating a strong sense of self-trust can mitigate our need for control, paving the way for healthier relational dynamics based on mutual respect and understanding, rather than fear and manipulation. Likewise, learning to surrender to the unpredictability of life can liberate us from the constraints of our own limited perspectives and open up a world of possibilities. In nurturing these qualities, we not only enhance our personal resilience but also foster deeper connections that are built to last.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. Reflect on the moments when you’ve felt the need to exercise control in a relationship or a situation. Can you identify what triggers this need for control? Do you see a connection between these moments and your feelings of security or insecurity?
2. Stephanie discusses the concept of surrendering as part of her birth experience. In what areas of your life do you find it difficult to surrender? What do you think holds you back from letting go?
3. Consider your own journey with building self-trust. What are some key experiences that have either fortified or challenged your trust in yourself?
4. Stephanie mentions the impact of unforeseen changes in her birth plan on her emotional state. Think of a time when something did not go according to your plan. How did you handle the situation? What might this reveal about your relationship with control and trust?
5. How do you generally respond to discomfort or challenges? Reflect on whether this approach has evolved over time. What might have influenced any changes in how you deal with discomfort?
6. Examine your reactions to risks and unknowns in relationships. Do you tend to retreat to safety, or can you embrace vulnerability? How does this impact your relationships?
7. Stephanie speaks about the ripple effects of building a relationship with oneself. Can you think of an example from your own life where personal growth in one area has unexpectedly benefited another area of your life?
8. Looking at your attachment patterns, whether anxious or avoidant, how might these patterns influence your need for control in relationships? How could fostering self-trust help alleviate this need?
9. Reflect on the concept of 'meeting parts of oneself that were previously unknown' as Stephanie describes during her birth experience. Have you had a similar experience where a particularly intense challenge revealed aspects of yourself you weren’t aware of?
10. Think about the balance of planning and adaptability in your life. How do you manage the tension between preparing and being open to unexpected outcomes? How could enhancing self-trust help in balancing these dynamics?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:33]:
A little while since the last episode, which I really apologise for. It was not my intention to have almost a month off, but as some of you would know from Instagram, if you follow me there or you might just have guessed, I had a baby two and a half weeks ago, which was a little bit earlier than expected. I had originally planned to have lots of podcast episodes planned and recorded and scheduled and ready to go so that they would keep rolling on when I took some time off to have a baby. But I think I overestimated how much capacity I would have in those final weeks of pregnancy. And that, combined with the fact that our little boy came a couple of weeks earlier than expected, meant that I didn't have any of those things that I had, hoped to. So we've had a little bit of a break the past few weeks. Everything is going well. Ollie, our little boy, is just gorgeous, and we've been really, really loving soaking up the newborn bubble, which has been so very sweet and exhausting and full on and perfectly lovely.
[00:01:41]:
So, thank you for your patience in this little hiatus that I've had the past month or so, but I'm really glad to be back today to offer some lessons in self trust, control, and surrender, which are themes that I've touched on before on the show, but really have been on my mind in this whole experience of pregnancy, birth, and the first couple of weeks of motherhood. And so, while this isn't an episode about those things, and you don't have to be pregnant or you don't have to have had a baby in order to relate to what I'm going to share, I thought that I'd offer some reflections based on this experience that I've recently gone through. So, you know, I talk a lot about self trust and really how having done the work of cultivating pretty deep self trust, and releasing control, and that's, you know, work that I've done personally over the past few years, how that allowed me to navigate pregnancy and birth, including, you know, certain unforeseen things, things that weren't part of the plan. How that allowed me to navigate those things with a level of trust and confidence and faith in my ability to navigate that, without, you know, crumbling into fear or stress or panic, because something wasn't part of the plan. And, you know, I think that there's lessons in this for most anyone with insecure attachment patterns, because as we'll touch on, I think whether you lean more anxious or more avoidant in your attachment patterns, control is probably something that you lean upon as a way to create a semblance of safety for yourself, when you're feeling unsafe, when you're feeling threatened, when you're feeling out of control. We all have our different mechanisms that we can rely on, whether that's controlling others or controlling our environment, you know, holding others close or pushing them away. But oftentimes, those control mechanisms actually cement us in the patterns that we're trying to shift, rather than actually being constructive in the direction of what we're trying to create now, you know, relationships with ourselves and others. So, gonna be offering some reflections on that today.
[00:04:13]:
Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share that for the next month or so, I decided to run a 50% off sale for all of my master classes and my two courses. It doesn't include healing anxious attachment, which isn't open for registration at the moment, but everything else on my website is 50% off for the next month or so, with the code Hey baby, all one word. So if you are interested in any of those master classes, I've got master classes on building trust, which is sort of in alignment with today's theme, navigating anxious avoidant relationships, boundaries, and also sex and attachment. And then Higher Love, my breakup course, and Secure Together, which is my couples course or relationship course. All of those are 50% off for the next month with the code, hey, baby. So if you're interested in any of those, now would be a great time, and I'll link all of that in the show notes for you. Okay. So let's talk about self trust, control, and surrender.
[00:05:14]:
Now, as I've spoken about so many times before, for me, self trust has been absolutely formative in my relationship with myself. And, you know, that journey for me from insecure attachment, from anxious attachment, to feeling a pretty strong sense of security. Now, as I've said before, that doesn't mean that I never feel anxious, that I never feel stressed, that I never have those, you know, fear driven thoughts. Those patterns are pretty etched in, and those voices can pop up from time to time. But having built up a foundation of self trust has really allowed me to not only navigate those fears, those old wounds within my relationship, but it's had such a ripple effect into my life more broadly. Because I think that oftentimes when we have fear and particularly insecure attachment type fear, the internal dialogue, whether it's, you know, literally there or it's kind of buried underneath whatever the surface level fears are, is, you know, something perhaps gonna happen, and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it. I'm gonna be trapped. I'm gonna be helpless.
[00:06:32]:
I'm going to be alone, and, you know, backed up against the wall with my hands tied, and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it. So for someone with more anxious patterns, it's, you know, might be that someone's gonna leave me or I'm gonna be trapped in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about me, who's never gonna show up for me, and I'm gonna, you know, be fighting against this for the rest of my life, and you're never going to be able to meet my needs. All of those things, the sense of being lonely within the relationship, feeling emotionally abandoned and powerless to do anything the the fear around helplessness and a loss of control tends to be, you know, I'm gonna be trapped in an unfulfilling relationship or an imperfect one where I'm gonna lose myself and, you know, I'm just going to be unhappy and life's going to feel really empty. And that feels terrifying. You know, what if I'm trapped in a loveless relationship or or whatever? And so these different fears around a loss of control and a feeling of helplessness can really be very persuasive, can be very all encompassing. And I think that they ultimately do boil down to a lack of self trust, this sense of, you know, something is going to happen that is beyond my control, and I'm gonna be powerless in the face of that. And I think oftentimes those stories are coming from young parts of us, right, Parts that forget that we have agency, and we have choice, and we have tools available. I think that, you know, that feeling of powerlessness and being kind of small and helpless, is not coming from our wise adult self.
[00:08:23]:
It's coming from something, you know, that goes further back than that. And there's often, you know, if we dig into it, we can find where does this originate within me, this fear story that feels so true and so big and all encompassing. But I think because of that, because that undercurrent of a lack of self trust is so pervasive in insecure attachment, building self trust is really, really key, in shifting those patterns. And that allows us to not only feel more at peace in our relationships, but really trust in the unfolding, trust in, you know, imperfection, trust in the ebb and flow of life, of relationships, rather than seeing every little thing as a warning sign that the worst is coming, you know, that this is exactly what I feared, and it's all gonna unravel. And, again, I'm gonna be trapped. So I wanted to share a little about my recent experience with self trust and and releasing control, arising from my pregnancy and my birth. So I had a really, really beautiful pregnancy. I absolutely loved being pregnant.
[00:09:39]:
I know that's, not everyone's experience, and I know that a lot of people raise their eyebrows at me when I say that. I'm, you know, just 2 weeks postpartum, and I already really miss being pregnant despite having my beautiful baby boy to keep me busy. But I think that, you know, part of that experience of of really loving pregnancy, I was feeling so connected to myself, feeling, you know, very little fear or anxiety around birth itself. I know that a lot of people really struggle with the mindset aspect of birth because there's been, you know, so much fear programmed into pregnancy and birth. And so a lot of people really struggle to trust in that process. But I think for me, I was really excited throughout my whole pregnancy to experience birth. Again, that might sound crazy to some people who, you know, whether you've given birth yourself and it wasn't a good experience or you've not given birth and you, like most people, have just seen the depictions of birth that, you know, dominate mainstream TV shows and and movies and and the rest of it, and it shows birth as being this, you know, horrible experience to be endured rather than, you know, anything positive. But for me, I was really looking forward to the opportunity in birth to meet parts of myself that I hadn't met before, that you know, I hadn't been brought into contact with.
[00:11:17]:
And, like, yes, I knew it was gonna be intense and challenging, but I think that, again, for me, having done a lot of work over the past few years around my relationship with myself, I relate to discomfort and challenge and intensity very differently to how I once did. You know, not that long ago in my life, maybe, you know, 5 years ago, I really shied away from anything that was uncomfortable. I was very happily, you know, nestled inside my comfort zone, and, I just didn't really push it at all. But that also kept my life very small. And so, you know, having done work around this, around building self trust, around building like, faith in my own capacity to navigate hard things, meant that I was really looking forward to that opportunity, to really dig deep and to be, you know, to really be pushed to the edge of what I knew I was capable of and to experience the depth of that intensity, and, you know, stay in that and really prove to myself what what was possible. And so for me, birth was something that I was very much looking forward to. I had been planning a home birth with my beautiful midwife. And for me, home birth was, you know, an opportunity to kind of let birth do its thing without intervention or interruption or, you know, really trusting in my body's capacity to give birth when it felt safe.
[00:13:10]:
Unfortunately, towards the end of my pregnancy, my blood pressure started creeping up. And at 38 weeks, I developed preeclampsia, which is a blood pressure related complication for anyone who's not familiar. And that meant that I was not able to have a home birth anymore. I had to transfer to hospital and be induced, which was really disappointing because I really, really wanted to give birth at home. For me, that was so important to my whole vision around birth and my own sense of safety and trust. And I really didn't wanna have an induction for me. That was just a lot of intervention. You know, giving birth in the hospital, I know that that's a really comfortable environment for a lot of people.
[00:14:00]:
For me, it's just not. And so there were a lot of things about that late change in plans that were stressful for me. And I really, you know, had a lot of resistance and a lot of kind of fear and stress around it. And yet, I knew that if I allowed that mindset to take hold, that sense of this wasn't the plan, this isn't how it's meant to be, it's all gonna go to shit now. You know, I I don't have any control over this. And if I allow myself to kind of panic around that, then I would be giving up a lot of my power. And I didn't wanna do that. So I really had to put myself to the test in terms of mindset, and remind myself that, you know, while this wasn't what I'd hoped for, this wasn't the plan.
[00:14:57]:
There were still things that were within my control. I still had capacity to make certain choices within the new parameters of, you know, the situation, the circumstances. And it didn't have to be this all or nothing thing. It didn't have to be, well, there was plan a, but I can't do that now. So plan b, I just have to completely give up on what I was hoping for and what I wanted. And so I, again, really had to dig deep on the mindset front, and not really allow myself to just crumble into the circumstances that were disappointing to me and that sense of grief around not being able to birth at home. And I really think that, you know, in the end, I I had a beautiful birth in hospital. Again, it wasn't the vision, you know, like being hooked up to a drip and all of those things, were not part of the plan.
[00:15:57]:
But I still had a beautiful, unmedicated intervention free, as much as was possible, birth. And it really did allow me to dig into the depths of myself to come into contact with parts of myself that I didn't know were there. And it was bloody hard. It was really, really intense and, you know, more so than I could have imagined. But it was incredibly powerful, and I really believe that my ability to have that experience was a result of my self trust. And, you know, I don't think that we really can surrender without trust. And so whether that's something that resonates with you in the context of a relationship, whether you struggle to let go of control, whether you maybe have the view that, you know, you have to make sure that everything's perfect and certain before you surrender, which I think is a common one. It's like, oh, yeah.
[00:17:11]:
I'll I'll surrender once I've eliminated all risk, which kind of defeats the purpose, right? There's no vulnerability without risk. There's no surrender when we feel like we're in absolute control. It's actually only vulnerable to the extent that we are stepping into some level of unknown and risk, and trusting in spite of that and being courageous in spite of that. So I wanted to share that with you, some reflections on self trust and control and surrender from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth, whether you are in that season of life and this is kind of directly applicable to you in that sense, or whether the pregnancy and birth aspect is completely irrelevant to you, but you struggle with those things in relationships. I suppose I offer this as a reminder of how pervasive and deeply important it is to prioritise these aspects of our relationship to self, and how building that up can have really beautiful but unintended consequences or ripple effects in other areas of life, beyond our relationships. I do have a few other episodes around, you know, more of the how on building self trust, which I'll link in the show notes for anyone who wants to dig into that. As I mentioned, I also have a whole masterclass on building trust, which, covers both trust in relationships and self trust, which along with everything else is available at 50% off for the next month or so, while I'm taking some time and space to hang out with my beautiful baby boy. So I'm gonna do my very best to record a few episodes so that there's not such a big gap between this and the next.
[00:19:19]:
But that will be a matter of controlling what I can control, which at the moment, I cannot control the, feeding and but thank you and thank you for all of the well wishes and beautiful messages that I've received from so many of you on Instagram and elsewhere. I really appreciate your support and all of the love of this community. It means the world to me, so thank you for joining me. I hope that this has been helpful for you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:05]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, self trust, control, surrender, pregnancy, birth, motherhood, insecurity, relationship coach, podcast, personal growth, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, emotional safety, parenting, newborn care, self-reflection, overcoming fear, mindset, personal development, relationship advice, coaching, online courses, master classes, couples therapy, navigating relationships, boundaries, self-improvement, health