#162: How to Stop Hoping Your Ex Comes Back
In this episode, we're explore the common and very human experience of hoping an ex will come back after a break-up saying they've changed their mind and want to reconcile. Whether you were left unexpectedly or the break-up was a long time coming, the hope that an ex will realise their mistake and come back can be powerful and all-consuming. I'll share some mindset reframes and tools to relate to your hoping differently, so you can validate yourself while still moving forward in a direction that supports your wellbeing and next chapter.
In this episode, we're explore the common and very human experience of hoping an ex will come back after a break-up saying they've changed their mind and want to reconcile. Whether you were left unexpectedly or the break-up was a long time coming, the hope that an ex will realise their mistake and come back can be powerful and all-consuming. I'll share some mindset reframes and tools to relate to your hoping differently, so you can validate yourself while still moving forward in a direction that supports your wellbeing and next chapter.
How to Stop Hoping Your Ex Comes Back
Breakups are inherently challenging, riddled with raw emotions, self-doubt, and an overwhelming sense of loss. It's natural to find yourself hoping that your ex will change their mind, realise their mistake, and come running back. While this hope can provide a temporary comfort, as time progresses, it can hinder your ability to heal and move forward. Understanding how to navigate these emotions healthily is crucial to rebuilding your sense of self and setting a clear path for your future.
Validating Your Emotions
The first step in moving forward from a breakup is recognising the normalcy of your emotions. Feeling hopeful that your ex might return is a deeply human response. When a relationship ends, especially if you weren't the one to end it, there’s a tangible blow to your self-worth and ego. You may find yourself questioning why the relationship ended and what you could have done differently. This introspection and self-questioning can intensify the longing for reconciliation.
Rather than pushing against these feelings or judging yourself for them, acknowledge them. It's okay to hope and to miss what was once a considerable part of your life. Give yourself permission to feel these emotions without stigma or self-reproach.
Shifting Focus to Self-Respect
While it's normal to hope, it's essential to remember and internalise that you deserve more than someone unsure of being with you. Anchor yourself in the knowledge that a healthy relationship is built on mutual desire and respect. Reflect on the part of you that recognises your inherent worth and the reality that you deserve a partner who is wholly committed.
Direct your energy towards this part of yourself. Even if it feels like a small percentage of your being knows this truth, nurture and build upon it. Allow this understanding to guide your actions and decisions moving forward. By doing so, you can begin to reclaim your power and autonomy, shifting the balance from hoping for an ex's return to believing in your right to a fulfilling, loving relationship.
Embracing Acceptance
Pushing against hope doesn't mean eradicating it but instead embracing acceptance. Acceptance involves recognising the situation as it is and understanding that clinging to the past can impede your journey forward. Start by engaging in compassionate self-reflection. Journaling can be particularly beneficial; an exercise such as penning down 'I am hoping' and letting your thoughts flow can help process your emotions.
Understand that hope for reconciliation might stem from a place of self-preservation, protecting you from the hard-hitting grief of acceptance. Trust that this hope has its place and purpose but concurrently decide to act from the part of you that understands the necessity of moving forward.
Taking Action from a Place of Worth
Decide to take actions that reflect your understanding of your worth. This includes not contacting your ex or seeking ways to rekindle the relationship. Accept that your ex's choice to end the relationship is indicative of their hesitance or unwillingness to be together, and you deserve to be with someone who is unequivocally sure about you.
Reconnect with your interests, engage in activities that bring you joy, and surround yourself with supportive friends and family. This shift in focus from your ex to your personal growth and happiness can be liberating. It reinforces the belief that your life can be full and rewarding independently of your past relationship.
Tending to Your Emotional Well-being
As you navigate this journey, it's crucial to be gentle with yourself. Speak kindly to yourself, especially when slipping into self-critical or despairing thoughts. Remind yourself that it's okay to have off days and moments of longing. Just as you would console a friend in a similar situation, offer yourself that same compassion and understanding.
Guided meditations, mindfulness practices, or even professional counselling can be beneficial tools. These practices can help centre your thoughts, reduce anxiety, and promote emotional healing. By taking proactive steps to nurture your mental health, you lay a strong foundation for building a resilient and positive future.
Moving Towards a Brighter Future
Real recovery from a breakup isn't about erasing the past or eradicating hope; it's about integrating your experiences and emotions into a narrative that supports your growth. Acknowledge the lessons learned, the personal strengths uncovered, and the clarity gained about what you want and deserve in a relationship.
Every day, choose to act in alignment with your values and self-respect. Over time, this deliberate focus will diminish the longing for your ex and amplify your excitement and readiness for the opportunities that lie ahead.
The journey from hoping an ex will return to embracing a hopeful future is nuanced and requires compassion, self-reflection, and a commitment to self-worth. By navigating these emotions with understanding and intentional action, you can pave the way towards healing and ultimately, a deeper and more fulfilling connection in the future.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When faced with the end of a relationship, do you find yourself hoping that your ex will come back? How does this affect your day-to-day emotions and decisions?
How do you balance the part of you that hopes for reconciliation with the part that knows you deserve more? What steps could you take to strengthen the latter?
Reflect on a time when you judged yourself harshly for feeling a certain way post-breakup. What compassionate responses could you have instead offered yourself in that moment?
Have you ever felt that missing an ex was controlling your actions or decisions? What strategies can you employ to ensure this feeling doesn’t take the driver’s seat?
What does the concept of acting from your "north star" or sense of integrity mean to you in the context of moving on from a relationship? How can you align more with this?
How do you typically handle emotions like anxiety, sensitivity, or sadness in other areas of your life? Are there parallels to how you handle breakups?
Think about a past relationship where you had to let go of hope. What helped you to move forward, and what did you learn about yourself through that process?
Sometimes, the hope that an ex will return can be a manifestation of avoiding the grief of acceptance. How comfortable are you with sitting in that grief? What feels challenging about it?
Consider the role of self-worth in your relationships. How does being broken up with impact your sense of self-worth, and what practices help you to reclaim it?
Reflect on the idea that emotions like hope or missing someone will naturally be present but don’t need to dictate your actions. How can you better acknowledge these emotions without letting them steer your life?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of how do I stop hoping that my ex is going to change his mind and come back? So this is one that I got in my Instagram q and a last week, and I got so many responses to the answer that I shared, thanking me and saying that it was really relatable for a lot of people. And so I thought that it was maybe worth elaborating on in a podcast episode. So this question of when we've been through a breakup, and there's this part of us that is really holding on to hope that the person who broke our heart, who broke up with us, we hope that they're going to come back and say, I changed my mind. I made a terrible mistake, please take me back. And another part that the person who asked this question originally on Instagram included was, I know I deserve more, but how do I stop hoping? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts today on all of that, on how to stop hoping, whether we should be trying to stop hoping. Spoiler alert.
[00:01:33]:
I don't know that that's something that we can or should be trying to control. But certainly where we should be focusing our energy in ways that we can really support ourselves to move forward in a healthy, adaptive way that actually allows us to process whatever it is that we're experiencing, and move forward with grace and dignity and self respect, so that we can be best placed to embark upon our next chapter, whatever that looks like. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. And I should say at the outset, although it's in the context of a breakup, the conversation that we're having today, I do think that a lot of what I'm going to be sharing is broadly applicable to you if you're someone who often fights against your emotions. So if you often find yourself saying or thinking things like, how do I stop being so anxious? How do I stop being so sensitive? All of these parts of ourselves that we can be really judgmental of and try and push against, a lot of what I'm sharing today will be applicable to those sorts of situations as well. So even if you're not currently going through a breakup, I'm hoping that there'll be a little something for everybody. Now before I dive into that, because this is a breakup themed episode, I did want to let you know that I have a few different resources available for you if you are going through a breakup and you're looking for some extra support. I have a free quiz on my website which is about, you know, which breakup stage are you in? The point of that quiz being that depending on which stage of a breakup you're in, I'm then able to give you a free guide that's tailored to that stage and funnel you to some different resources.
[00:03:08]:
I also have a free guided meditation on finding closure, which is a crowd favorite that's been downloaded thousands and thousands of times, and I always get beautiful feedback from that one. Or if you are really looking to up the ante and support yourself through the breakup, With lots of tools and resources, my Higher Love course is a really comprehensive road map through a breakup and beyond, and you can save 50% on that course with the discount code Phoenix. So just wanted to let you know of those few resources if you are going through a breakup and you're looking for a bit of extra help through the weeds of it because I know that it can be really challenging. And I think even having something to reach for, tools, practices, that can be a really healthy distraction and and something that can actually move you in the right direction with a bit of structure. So I wanted to share that. 2nd quick announcement is just to remind you again about my couple of in person events coming up. So a workshop in Sydney at the end of November and a retreat in Byron Bay next May. So if you're interested in either of those, you can head to my website.
[00:04:15]:
There are links in the show notes and you can check out all the details. And if you wanna come hang out with me in person and do some of this work and go really deep, I would love to see you there. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around how to stop hoping that your ex is going to come back and say they've changed their mind. So as I often do, I wanna start by validating how very, very human this is to have that hoping. Okay? Particularly when we've been through a break up, maybe we're in the thick of it, and we've been left by someone. I think in most cases where we're holding onto this hope, it's in circumstances where we were not the one to end the relationship, so someone has broken up with us. And that may have been against your will.
[00:05:00]:
Maybe you were really blindsided by it, or maybe it was a long time coming, but it was something that you were, you know, really trying to work against, and you were trying to work it out, and you really wanted things to play out differently between you. But either way, I think that experience of being broken up with can be really hard when it's just not what we wanted. Add to that that in a lot of cases, being broken up with can be a bit of a hit to our self worth, our ego, our self esteem. You know, we can be feeling a little bit less than wonderful about ourselves when we've been broken up with. It can feed all of these really painful stories around Why doesn't anyone want me? Why am I not lovable enough? I tried so hard and it still wasn't enough to make them stay. What could I have done differently? All of these stories that really, at a fundamental level, are asking, Why not me? And so I think against this backdrop, of course, like, of course, we're hoping that they turn around and come back and say, I made a terrible mistake. I love you. I miss you.
[00:06:04]:
My life is an empty mess without you. I take it all back. Let's get back together. Of course, there's a part of you that feels that way. Right? And I think that's true even if you don't actually want to get back together, even if a part of you knows that the relationship wasn't working and it's probably for the best that you broke up. I think it's really, really normal that there would be another part of you that is holding on to that hope and that would feel kind of validated or vindicated by your ex coming back and saying, take me back. I love you. I miss you.
[00:06:34]:
I need you. So I think I just really want to validate, like, the absolute normalcy, the humanness of having that hope. And I think that so often when we have these experiences, and as I said in the introduction, whether it's hoping or anxiety or sensitivity or sadness, anger, we judge ourselves for having the emotion, for having the experience, and we push against it. And I think that creates so much more angst and inattention than if we just turned towards that and go, yeah. Well, that makes sense. Of course, I'm hoping that. Right? So rather than trying to stop hoping because I really don't think that you can force yourself to stop hoping, to let go of hope. I think you can set the intention to let go of hope or to cultivate more acceptance, but I don't think that you can force it.
[00:07:24]:
And I actually think that the less you try to force it, the less you try and get rid of it, which I consider to be frankly a waste of energy. The more that you can direct your energy to something that is productive and supportive and and helpful in terms of what comes next. I think this is a broader misconception that a lot of people have when they're going through a breakup. How do I stop missing them? Is another really common question that I'll get. And again, there's nothing really for you to do there because you can't just force yourself to stop missing someone. But the key here is not letting the part of you that is hoping that they'll come back, not letting the part of you that is missing them be in the driver's seat in terms of making your decisions, in terms of how you're living your day to day life. They can be in the car, and they probably will be in the car. As I said, it's not easy to just kick them out and leave them on the highway.
[00:08:15]:
Right? It's a part of you, and it's a very human, understandable, tender part of you that really you should be taking good care of rather than, you know, blaming or making wrong. To go back to the person who originally asked the question, who said, I know I deserve more, I think we really need to anchor into that knowing that you deserve more than someone who doesn't want to be with you. Right? You deserve more than someone who is unsure. And so trying to really hold that knowing, even if it feels like that part of you is only 1% and the hoping and the missing is 99%, really consciously shifting into, I know I deserve more and I'm going to move my life forward, I'm going to take action from the part of me that knows that I deserve more, and really is choosing to believe that there is more out there for me than someone who doesn't want to be with me. And I think that is just so, so essential, and this is the advice I give to everyone around breakups. I can't tell you how many messages I get from people saying, how do I get my ex to give me another chance? How do I get someone to take me back? They're not answering any of my calls. They don't wanna see me. And I know that when you're in it, that desperation is really real, and that attachment and that fear is very real.
[00:09:29]:
And I think we need to kind of check ourselves and go, do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Right? And the part of us that knows deep down that the answer to that is no, I don't. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and I don't want to have to convince them of that. I think that that's really the part of us that we need to be turning up the volume on and really consciously leaning into in a breakup in these circumstances where there's another part of us that is holding onto that hope. So all of that being said, there's nothing for you to do about solving the hoping. If you want to give any attention or time to the hoping, do so in a validating, really loving, compassionate way. You could do some journaling about it, and you could just write at the top of a page, I am hoping, and just see what stream of consciousness comes out. And that, again, is beautiful and expressive and important, that the part of you that is holding on to hope gets to be seen and validated. Because as I said, I think the more we push against it, the more we try and silence it, the louder it becomes.
[00:10:35]:
It's almost like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It doesn't want to be told no, because that part of you is there for a reason, and maybe that hope is trying to protect you from the immense grief of acceptance. Maybe that hope is holding on because to let go feels like too much too soon. And so trust that there is some wisdom in that while also deciding to act from another part of you that knows that you deserve more, but certainly not making that hoping part wrong, certainly not judging yourself for it or calling yourself pathetic or tragic or any of those other things that we can, you know, really unkindly criticize ourselves about. Let it be there. Layer it with lots of love and tenderness and care as you would a friend that was going through a really hard time, but still hold what you know to be true. Hold your integrity. Hold your values.
[00:11:29]:
Hold your vision for what you want and what you deserve, and decide to take action from that place. I think that's the really critical distinction here. So I hope that that was helpful. Bit of a short and sweet episode, but really, really important distinction. As I said, even if you're not in that set of circumstances, I think there's a lesson in that for all of us, for the parts of us that we judge, that we are critical of, rather than saying, how do I make that stop or how do I make it go away? Think the better question is, what is it trying to tell me? Or what is it trying to keep me safe from? And how can I really compassionately turn towards that and trust in its wisdom, while still staying true to my north star, my sense of integrity, my sense of value based decision making so that I can move my life in the direction that I want? So I hope that's been helpful.
[00:12:20]:
As I said, plenty of resources for those of you who are going through a breakup on my website. It's all linked in the show notes. Sending you lots of love if you're going through that because I know it's really tender and hard, but you will get through it. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. The sun will rise, and I'm sending you lots of love. Okay. Thanks, guys.
[00:12:42]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, breakup advice, hope after breakup, ex-partner, moving on, emotional support, self-worth, self-esteem, missing an ex, emotional healing, practical tools, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast episode, overcoming insecurity, breakup stages, guided meditation, finding closure, Higher Love course, breakup resources, acceptance after breakup, self-respect, starting anew, Sydney workshop, Byron Bay retreat, grief acceptance, journaling about hope, emotional wisdom
#161 How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Relationships
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
Key points include:
Feelings of instability in relationships: Many with fearful avoidant attachment feel fine when single, but painful emotions surface in relationships, often leading to blaming their partner.
Impact of partner's attachment style: A hallmark of fearful avoidant attachment is the shift between anxious and avoidant behaviours, which can vary from one partner to the next depending on the attachment combinations.
Idealising vs. villainising partners: There’s a tendency to place partners on a pedestal at times, but then quickly villainise them when triggered or threatened.
Fear of intimacy vs. longing for connection: Fearful avoidants deeply crave closeness, but a core fear of rejection — often rooted in shame — makes true intimacy feel unsafe. Fear of betrayal and difficulties with trust are also common.
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Triggerhere✨
Understanding Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Navigating relationships can be a challenging journey, especially when attachment styles come into play. One of the most complex attachment styles is the fearful avoidant attachment. People with this style often find themselves yearning for intimacy but simultaneously feeling petrified by the prospect of it. This paradox of wanting closeness yet fearing it creates a series of intricate dynamics within relationships that can be difficult to manage for both partners involved. Let's delve deeper into how fearful avoidant attachment manifests in relationships and explore ways to navigate these challenges.
The Push-Pull Dynamic
Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment frequently experience a push-pull dynamic in their relationships. On one hand, they deeply crave connection and intimacy. They are often described as "hopeless romantics" who idealise relationships and partner prospects. The initial phase of a relationship can feel exhilarating as they may place their partner on a pedestal, believing this could be the person to save them from past relational pains.
However, as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate, a profound fear takes hold. Fearful avoidant individuals have an ingrained belief that those closest to them hold the power to inflict the most harm. This fear triggers protective mechanisms, causing them to pull away from their partner, sometimes abruptly. This shift from intense closeness to sudden distance can be bewildering for their partners, leading to a cycle of confusion and hurt.
Impact of Shame and Self-Loathing
A core aspect of fearful avoidant attachment is a deep-seated sense of shame and self-loathing. Many people with this attachment style feel inherently broken and unworthy of love. This belief fuels their protective behaviours, aiming to conceal these so-called "unlovable" parts of themselves.
Experiences of shame often intertwine with secrecy. Fearful avoidant individuals might hide parts of themselves or be less than honest in relationships. The thought of being truly seen and known is both a longing and a terror. Revealing their authentic selves is frightening, as they worry it will confirm their worst fears of rejection and inadequacy.
Relationship Triggers and Reactions
Fearful avoidant individuals respond differently depending on their partner's attachment style. For instance, if their partner displays dismissive avoidant behaviours—creating emotional distance or being noncommittal—it can trigger abandonment fears in the fearful avoidant person. This can lead to clingy, anxious behaviours and an overwhelming need for reassurance.
Conversely, if their partner has an anxious attachment style, seeking constant closeness and reassurance, the fearful avoidant individual may feel smothered. This suffocation triggers their fear of engulfment and loss of independence, prompting them to pull away, criticise their partner, or appear flaky and noncommittal.
Understanding these triggers can help fearful avoidant individuals and their partners navigate the complexities of their relational dynamics more mindfully, fostering empathy and patience.
Strategies for Creating Safety
While the challenges of fearful avoidant attachment can seem daunting, there is hope. Here are some strategies for creating more safety and stability in relationships:
Increase Self-Awareness: Recognising one's own patterns and triggers is a crucial first step. Understanding why you react a certain way allows you to address the root cause rather than just the symptoms.
Communicate Openly: Honest communication is vital in any relationship, but especially so for those with fearful avoidant tendencies. Sharing your fears and struggles with your partner can foster understanding and intimacy.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in working through attachment issues. A professional can offer guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore these deep-seated fears.
Establish Boundaries: Creating clear boundaries can help manage feelings of being overwhelmed. This might include setting aside time for personal space or defining limits on emotional sharing.
Practice Self-Compassion: Work on cultivating a kinder inner dialogue. Recognise that feeling scared or overwhelmed does not make you unworthy of love. Embracing self-compassion can gradually reduce feelings of shame and self-loathing.
Build Emotional Safety: Focus on building a relationship environment characterised by trust, consistency, and emotional support. Both partners should feel safe expressing themselves without fear of judgement or rejection.
A Journey Towards Healing
Understanding and addressing fearful avoidant attachment is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, both from the person experiencing it and their partner. Remember, the journey towards secure attachment and healthier relationships is made up of small, consistent steps. It's about creating a safe environment where openness, vulnerability, and trust can flourish, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.
While the path may be challenging, it is also profoundly rewarding. By addressing attachment fears and working towards vulnerability and connection, individuals can experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Healing from fearful avoidant attachment is possible, and with self-awareness, support, and dedication, one can build the foundations for a loving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself idolising your partner at the beginning of a relationship, only to later feel disillusioned? How do you think this impacts your emotional wellbeing and the stability of your relationships?
When you're not in a relationship, do you notice a significant difference in your emotional regulation and sense of control? How might being single allow you to feel more secure and grounded?
Reflect on a time when you abruptly pulled away from someone close to you. What fears or insecurities do you think were triggered in that moment that led to your withdrawal?
If you identify with fearful avoidant attachment, in what ways do you feel seen or unseen in your relationships? How does this perception shape your interactions and emotional responses?
Consider the role of shame in your relational patterns. Are there parts of yourself that you feel need to be hidden? How does this secrecy affect your ability to form deep, authentic connections?
Have you ever found yourself fluctuating between feeling intensely connected to a partner and feeling the urge to push them away? What triggers these shifts for you, and how do they influence your relationship dynamics?
How do you navigate feelings of defensiveness and criticism from your partner or yourself? What strategies might help you create a sense of safety and reduce reactivity in those moments?
Reflect on any patterns of blaming your partner for relationship issues. To what extent do you think these patterns might be rooted in your own fears and insecurities?
In relationships where you feel overly anxious or avoidant, what core fears do you think are being highlighted by your partner's behaviour? How might recognising these fears help you respond more constructively?
If you have a history of feeling "broken" or "defective," how does this belief impact your relationships? What steps can you take to challenge these beliefs and foster more secure and loving connections?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships. So whenever I talk about fearful avoidant attachment, I always get this resounding feedback of more. Please talk more about fearful avoidant attachment. And as I've said, I think that that's because there tends to be a bit less, by way of content, around fearful avoidant attachment relative to anxious attachment and even avoidant attachment.
[00:00:58]:
And I know that many folks who struggle with fearful avoidant attachment are what we might call seekers, people who really want to understand themselves better and so are really hungry for information that feels validating and illuminating as to, you know, why they struggle with the things that they struggle with. And so I'm hoping that in today's episode, it's going to be a little bit free form in the sense that I'm just going to be sharing tidbits of things that fearful avoidant attaches are likely to experience and struggle within their relationships, you know, how that attachment style shows up, some things that you might expect. And I'm hoping that this will be insightful both for people who identify with that attachment style and folks who might be in relationship with someone with that attachment style and those patterns, so that you can understand a little more what drives it. Maybe you can feel seen. I think that many folks with those attachment patterns can feel quite broken. And so I think anyone who has that tendency towards feeling broken, feeling like there's something wrong with them, it can be extremely validating and encouraging to realize that you're far from alone in your experience. And not only is there an explanation, but there is hope. It's not something that you are condemned to struggle with for the rest of your life.
[00:02:12]:
There are things that you can do to shift those patterns towards something that feels more sturdy, more stable, more secure, and can give you some relief from that inner turmoil. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of announcements. As I've shared a bit recently, I've got some exciting events coming up in Australia. A workshop in Sydney at the end of November, and a retreat in Byron Bay in May next year. I've also got some really exciting things in the pipeline, brand new things online, and I'm not quite ready to announce that yet. I know that sounds very cagey. It's mostly because I haven't finalized the details, and I don't want to log myself into anything prematurely.
[00:02:53]:
But if you're interested in, you know, any or all of those things, I really encourage you to jump on my email list. I send out a weekly ish newsletter. I'd love to be able to say every Thursday morning at 10 AM, it goes out like clockwork. Sadly, I am not that organized, but I send out a weekly ish newsletter that dives deep into the types of themes that I explore in my podcast. Sometimes it is a deep dive into a podcast episode, sort of in an extended blog post format. I have over 30,000 people who receive my email newsletters, and I always get really beautiful feedback. So if you're interested in receiving those newsletters just for the fun of it, jump on my email list and with the added bonus that that is where I always announce things first, opportunities to work with me and new programs, new offerings. My email list always gets first dibs on that.
[00:03:38]:
So if you're interested in any of those ways to work with me, for the in person stuff, you can go straight to my website and sign up. Or for the upcoming things that I haven't quite announced yet, jump on my email list and you'll be the first to hear. Okay. So let's dive into talking about fearful avoidant attachment and how it shows up in relationships. So I think it's helpful to say at the outset that for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, when they're not in a relationship, they feel pretty under control, relatively speaking. They might feel like they have a reasonable grip on their, you know, emotional regulation. Things like reactivity, which can really come out a lot in relationships, very easily triggered, might be less apparent when they're not in a relationship. For some people, it'll be, like, you know, night and day, like, they're totally fine when they're single, but once they get into a relationship, all of that stuff really rises to the surface very quickly.
[00:04:30]:
For some others, I would say those patterns of reactivity and being very easily triggered by other people, being very sensitive to perceived criticism and feeling very defensive, those things can bleed into other areas of life, so friendships or working relationships. But for the most part, I would say that people with fearful avoidant attachment will feel more under control when they're not in a relationship. And that makes sense when we think about the fact that for fearful avoidant folks, they have an imprint around relationships, that the people closest to me have the greatest capacity to hurt me. I really long for that connection and intimacy, but I'm so afraid of it when I get close to it, that all of my protective parts come out with guns blazing so fierce in their commitment to keeping me safe from all of the things that I associate with intimacy, which are a lot of fears. So it can be really disorienting and confusing for someone with fearful avoidant attachment, and for someone who's in relationship with someone with fearful avoidant attachment, that they can really seek out relationships. I think that there is this hopeless romantic part in many fearful avoid people. They do have, at least on the surface, a positive association with relationships, in that they are inclined to seeking them out. They want love, they want connection, and so they sort of move towards that and seek that.
[00:05:57]:
And I think initially there can be a tendency to pedestalize a partner, to really idolize them and to think like, this is it, right? This is the person I've been waiting for, and in this relationship, unlike all the others, everything's going to be great. All of my demons are going to sort of dissolve because this person's going to be the one. I'm not going to have to struggle in the ways that I've struggled previously. I'm going to it's almost like this is my salvation. And so there can be this tendency to really look up to someone that they're initially drawn to and attracted to and seeking out relationship with. And I think for the person on the other side of that equation, that can feel you know, really wonderful, as it does at the start of a relationship. I think we can all put a partner on a pedestal at the start of a relationship and kind of see them through rose colored glasses. But I think the fearful avoidant really does do this a lot, And I think they not only do they think the partner's amazing, but they do tend to have these stories, whether conscious or not, that this partner is going to kind of be their ticket out of all of that stuff that they've struggled with for so long.
[00:07:06]:
And this is where it gets really challenging because inevitably, there's a fall from grace there. Right? The higher you put someone on a pedestal, the further they have to fall. And so I think that as the relationship progresses, as things get closer, more intimate, the fearful avoidant will invariably be brought into contact with their wounds, their sensitivities, because intimacy is such a sore point, is such a challenge for them, that as much as they yearn for it and seek it out and long for it, when they get it, when they get close to it, it actually really terrifies them. And that can be as confusing for them as it is for the other person. Right? It's not like they've done this in a really cold and calculated way. I think that if you spend too much time in certain areas of the Internet that are talking about, like, love bombing and narcissism and all of that, it's not to say that that doesn't happen, but that's really not what's happening for someone with fearful avoidant attachment. It's not a manipulative strategy to try and hurt someone, and it is as confusing for them as it is for the other person. The fact that they can go from all in and really excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so smitten with the other person to really turning.
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And the turn can be quite pronounced. It can be really extreme. It's not just, you know, a a fade out. They can go from thinking someone is this, like, incredible, best person I've ever met, love of my life, to thinking that they are just the worst. Right? You are my worst enemy. You are, you know, total villain. And oftentimes they can't explain that in rational terms. But it's so persuasive and it's so real, this almost sense of hatred towards their partner that can kind of fall upon them so quickly that you can have one small rupture.
[00:09:04]:
And the fear and the rage and the heat that comes up in them directed towards their partner can feel so intense. And oftentimes, the only way they know how to deal with that is by pulling away, by pushing away, by getting as far away from their partner as they can. And I think that, I would argue deep down, most folks with fearful avoidant detachment know that the blame they place on a partner is probably not the full picture because deep down, and really this is another key piece here, at the heart of fearful avoidant detachment is a lot of shame, a lot of feeling broken, feeling like there is something really fundamentally wrong with me, and kind of almost self loathing a lot of the time. And so as much as their protective strategy is to push someone away, blame them, make them the bad guy, I think depending on the level of self awareness, I think on some level, many people would know that deep down they feel like they're the bad guy, and they're pushing someone away to both save the other person and save themselves from that. And I think you might even hear someone with fearful avoidant saying things like, you deserve better than me', or 'I just hurt people', I'm too fucked up to be in a relationship', those sorts of sentiments, and so they feel like they almost have to push someone away, both for their own self preservation, because as we said at the start, they feel so much more, kind of, level and grounded when they're not in a relationship. So for their own sake and the sake of this person that they do kind of put on a pedestal and they do feel undeserving of much of the time, it's almost like, I have to save you from me. But it doesn't come out that way. Often that will be cloaked in anger or blame or defensiveness or criticism.
[00:10:56]:
So all of that can feel really complicated, and it can feel messy and confusing and really painful for everyone involved. I think another key piece, and it sort of ties in with this, both the shame and that longing for intimacy, is that often fearful avoidance will pull away when they feel like someone is getting to see them. So again, it's this sense of, like, I so yearn to be known. I so yearn to be understood and loved and seen. And the idea of that actually happening, the reality of that, is so deeply frightening that as soon as anyone actually gets close to knowing me and seeing me, I'm inclined to consciously or subconsciously come up with some sort of reason to push them away. So I think because shame is such a big piece for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, often shame and secrecy go hand in hand. So there might be certain parts of themselves that they have been, you know, not fully upfront about. They haven't been honest with the people that they're in relationship with.
[00:12:09]:
And maybe they're really compartmentalizing or not being fully authentic, which I think makes sense when someone feels like there's something wrong with them or they're broken or there is something to be ashamed of. Often, secrecy and pretending and half truths are a strategy to conceal those parts of themselves that you, you know, have deemed to be unacceptable or unlovable. And so while there is this yearning to be known and seen and to have true intimacy with someone, I think that sounds really nice in theory, but in practice, that requires letting someone see parts of you that maybe you've never shown to anyone before. And when you believe at a really fundamental level that no one could ever love those parts because you can't love those parts or you feel you can't love those parts, the idea of someone else actually seeing those, you know, when it's crunch time, that's pretty terrifying. And most people, I would say, will default to a protective part, a protective strategy to stop that from actually having to happen. It takes a huge amount of capacity and self awareness and bravery and vulnerability to actually go there, and a huge amount of safety in the relational container. And so unless you've got that safety established, which arguably is a bit chicken and egg because I think that it's hard to have that level of safety when you haven't been vulnerable, when you haven't been honest and authentic. And so I think that often what will happen is the relationship lacks that level of emotional safety, lacks that level of containment and trust.
[00:13:47]:
And so when push comes to shove, the idea of actually being vulnerable, being honest, being forthcoming about those parts of you that you've kept secret or that you've hidden away, that can just be so confronting and so daunting that you feel as it's just not worth it. That it's too high risk because if they see that, they'll reject me and they'll confirm everything that I already deeply believe about myself, which is that no one could ever love that if they were to really see that. And so rather than taking that risk of showing yourself to someone, it feels like the safer thing to do is pull back at that point, to end the relationship, to make the other person the problem, to come up with some sort of reason why it's not a good fit. All of these can be kind of different branches of the same tree, which is wanting intimacy, but as soon as I get close to it, I've got to find an exit, because it just feels almost claustrophobic, the idea of being with your back up against the wall and actually having to face the reality of being seen and known by someone fully laid bare without all of those, you know, protectors standing in front of you and keeping that buffer or keeping that distance that has been a safety blanket for you for probably most of your life. So the last piece that I want to speak to and I do apologize. I realize this has been a very all over the place episode. I did I did warn you in the introduction that it was gonna be a little bit stream of consciousness. But one piece that I want to speak to is a question that I get a lot, which is how feeble avoidant attachment might manifest itself or express itself in relationship with different kinds of partners.
[00:15:34]:
So matched with someone who is dismissive avoidant, are you likely to be more anxious? Whereas with a more anxious partner, are you likely to be more avoidant? And the short answer is yes in most cases. I think when we take a step back and go, okay, attachment styles are basically describing the strategies that we use to create safety for ourselves in relationships. And they also describe what types of things cause us stress or fear in relationships. When we look at it that way and we consider that the fearful avoidant, they experience both anxiety and avoidance. They rank high on both of those metrics. And they also tend to experience the core wounds of both anxious and avoidant attachment. So they struggle with a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection. They also experience that fear of engulfment, that fear of loss of self.
[00:16:28]:
They're very protective of their independence. They don't want to feel like they're being smothered. They feel defective in relationships and they have a lot of shame around that. So they kind of have aspects of both anxious and avoidant detachment. Because of that, because they, you know, have core wounds from both ends of the spectrum, they have protective strategies to accompany those core wounds or that have grown out of those core wounds. So we can then see that someone with fearful avoidant attachment, if they're in relationship with someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns, it is more likely that that person with dismissive avoidant patterns who's, you know, leaning on their strategies of maybe creating distance, maybe being noncommittal, not being very clear in their feelings, maybe pushing away intimacy, that that is more likely to trigger the abandonment wounds and the fear of rejection in the fearful avoidant. And so it's more likely to enliven the strategies that grow out of that. So trying to get close, trying to get reassurance, you know, trying to get someone to like them, the more people pleasing parts.
[00:17:34]:
Contrast that with fearful avoidant in relationship with someone with more anxious attachment patterns, who might be more clingy and reassurance seeking and wanting to get closer and closer and closer. That's likely to trigger the intimacy fears of the fearful avoidant. The fears of being smothered, the fear of engulfment, the protectiveness around their independence, and as we just talked about, the shame and the sense of brokenness, that sense of I can't let you get too close because you'll see me and that terrifies me. And so in those circumstances, in that kind of dynamic, you're more likely to get avoidant strategies of pushing them away, of being non committal, of being flaky, of criticising a partner, finding things that are wrong with their partner as a way to create distance. So I think seen against that backdrop, this question that I get all the time from people as if it's a great mystery actually makes perfect sense. That if you have more fearful avoidant patterns and you carry all of those core wounds and fears, that depending on who's on the other side of the equation, you are more likely to animate or manifest different aspects of those strategies depending on what wound is really front and centre for you, what you're being most brought into contact with. So it actually, I think, makes a lot of sense when seen against that backdrop. Okay.
[00:18:53]:
So I'm going to leave it there. I hope that that was, you know, a helpful, albeit a little bit all over the place, dive into how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships, some of the things that are likely to present as challenges, what you might experience. As I said in the introduction, my intention with this is hopefully to allow you, if this is you, to feel validated, to feel understood, to know that there's perfectly good reasons for why you struggle with the things you struggle with, as is true for all of us. You know, our patterns really make perfect sense in the context of our past experience, and there are things that we can do. You're not inherently broken or defective. You're not just bad at relationships and doomed to struggle forever. It's just really about understanding, okay, what's going on for me here? What am I afraid of? And what could I do to create a little more safety for myself and in my relationships so that I feel able to step towards the edge of what is comfortable for me in a way that allows me to build that capacity and build the container and my ability to hold those things. So hopefully that's been insightful for you.
[00:20:02]:
As always, really grateful for those of you who leave feedback, leave reviews, and let me know if you want more of this kind of content. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:12]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
fearful avoidant attachment, relationships, attachment styles, insecure attachment, emotional regulation, reactivity, intimacy fears, shame, vulnerability, self-awareness, relationship patterns, defensive behaviour, emotional safety, attachment wounds, relationship challenges, core wounds, protective strategies, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of engulfment, fear of loss of self, longing for intimacy, emotional triggers, abandonement wounds, independence in relationships, criticism in relationships, people pleasing, feeling broken, hopeless romantic, dismissive avoidant,