#162: How to Stop Hoping Your Ex Comes Back
If you’ve ever found yourself clinging to the hope that your ex will come back — that they'll change their mind, realise they made a mistake, and want another chance — you’re not alone. That hope can feel intoxicating. It offers a sense of control and a fantasy of resolution when everything feels raw and unresolved. But as comforting as it might be in the moment, this hope often keeps us stuck, anchoring us to the past and preventing us from healing.
In this post, I want to explore why we hold onto hope after a breakup, how to relate to that part of ourselves with compassion rather than judgment, and how we can begin to act from self-worth rather than longing.
Hope is Human
Let’s start here: hope is not bad. It's not weak or pathetic or something you need to "get over" as quickly as possible. Hope is a deeply human response to loss, especially when the ending wasn’t your choice. If you were broken up with, if you didn’t get closure, or if you still feel love for the person, of course there's a part of you hoping they’ll come back.
Even when you know the relationship wasn’t healthy or right for you, you might still want to feel chosen. Wanted. Missed. That doesn’t make you foolish—it makes you human.
You Don’t Need to "Stop Hoping" Overnight
Often, when people ask "How do I stop hoping my ex comes back?" what they’re really saying is, "I don’t want to feel this way anymore. It hurts." And I get it. Hope can feel painful when it’s unreciprocated, when it keeps us in limbo, when it prevents us from moving forward.
But trying to force yourself not to hope—to suppress or shame that part of you into silence—rarely works. If anything, it creates more inner conflict. The invitation here is to let the hope be in the car, but not in the driver’s seat. It can come along for the ride, but it doesn’t get to make your decisions.
Anchor Into the Part of You That Knows You Deserve More
You might feel conflicted. One part of you hopes they'll come back. Another part knows you deserve better. That second part might feel quieter, smaller, harder to access. But it’s there. And every time you choose to act from that place—the place that remembers your worth and your vision for the kind of relationship you want—you strengthen it.
Even if it’s only 5% of you today that believes you deserve more, let that 5% make the decisions. Let that part guide you. Over time, it will grow stronger.
Letting Go of Fantasy to Make Room for Reality
So often, we don’t just miss the person—we miss the idea of what could have been. The imagined future. The apology that never came. The version of the relationship that only existed in our minds.
Letting go of that fantasy is grief work. And sometimes hope acts as a shield from that grief. It delays the pain of finality. If you notice yourself stuck in longing, ask yourself gently: What is this hope protecting me from? And can I tend to that underlying pain directly, rather than staying stuck in the loop?
Journaling can be a beautiful practice here. Try writing from the prompt: "I am hoping that..." and let your thoughts spill out onto the page. Don’t edit or censor. Just notice what comes up.
Choose Self-Respect Over Scraps
It might sound harsh, but it's worth saying plainly: trying to win back someone who has chosen to leave can be a form of self-abandonment. When we’re in the thick of it, it can feel romantic or loyal. But over time, it can erode your sense of dignity.
You deserve to be with someone who is sure about you. Who chooses you freely, not out of guilt or persuasion. Every time you act in alignment with that truth—by not texting your ex, by unfollowing them on social media, by pouring your energy into your own life—you reclaim a little more of your power.
Holding Yourself Through the Hard Days
Healing isn’t linear. There will be days when you feel strong and grounded, and others when the longing knocks the wind out of you. That doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. It just means you’re human.
Speak kindly to yourself on those days. Remind yourself that you're doing the best you can. Reach for the tools that support you—guided meditations, time in nature, support from friends, or courses like Higher Love that walk with you through this terrain.
A Final Word…
You don’t need to shame yourself for hoping. That hope had a purpose—it buffered the grief, it held you when everything else felt uncertain. But at some point, it may become more of a weight than a comfort. And that’s when you get to make a choice.
You get to choose to move forward, not because you no longer care, but because you care about yourself enough to let go of what isn’t choosing you.
And that’s where real healing begins.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When faced with the end of a relationship, do you find yourself hoping that your ex will come back? How does this affect your day-to-day emotions and decisions?
How do you balance the part of you that hopes for reconciliation with the part that knows you deserve more? What steps could you take to strengthen the latter?
Reflect on a time when you judged yourself harshly for feeling a certain way post-breakup. What compassionate responses could you have instead offered yourself in that moment?
Have you ever felt that missing an ex was controlling your actions or decisions? What strategies can you employ to ensure this feeling doesn’t take the driver’s seat?
What does the concept of acting from your "north star" or sense of integrity mean to you in the context of moving on from a relationship? How can you align more with this?
How do you typically handle emotions like anxiety, sensitivity, or sadness in other areas of your life? Are there parallels to how you handle breakups?
Think about a past relationship where you had to let go of hope. What helped you to move forward, and what did you learn about yourself through that process?
Sometimes, the hope that an ex will return can be a manifestation of avoiding the grief of acceptance. How comfortable are you with sitting in that grief? What feels challenging about it?
Consider the role of self-worth in your relationships. How does being broken up with impact your sense of self-worth, and what practices help you to reclaim it?
Reflect on the idea that emotions like hope or missing someone will naturally be present but don’t need to dictate your actions. How can you better acknowledge these emotions without letting them steer your life?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of how do I stop hoping that my ex is going to change his mind and come back? So this is one that I got in my Instagram q and a last week, and I got so many responses to the answer that I shared, thanking me and saying that it was really relatable for a lot of people. And so I thought that it was maybe worth elaborating on in a podcast episode. So this question of when we've been through a breakup, and there's this part of us that is really holding on to hope that the person who broke our heart, who broke up with us, we hope that they're going to come back and say, I changed my mind. I made a terrible mistake, please take me back. And another part that the person who asked this question originally on Instagram included was, I know I deserve more, but how do I stop hoping? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts today on all of that, on how to stop hoping, whether we should be trying to stop hoping. Spoiler alert.
[00:01:33]:
I don't know that that's something that we can or should be trying to control. But certainly where we should be focusing our energy in ways that we can really support ourselves to move forward in a healthy, adaptive way that actually allows us to process whatever it is that we're experiencing, and move forward with grace and dignity and self respect, so that we can be best placed to embark upon our next chapter, whatever that looks like. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. And I should say at the outset, although it's in the context of a breakup, the conversation that we're having today, I do think that a lot of what I'm going to be sharing is broadly applicable to you if you're someone who often fights against your emotions. So if you often find yourself saying or thinking things like, how do I stop being so anxious? How do I stop being so sensitive? All of these parts of ourselves that we can be really judgmental of and try and push against, a lot of what I'm sharing today will be applicable to those sorts of situations as well. So even if you're not currently going through a breakup, I'm hoping that there'll be a little something for everybody. Now before I dive into that, because this is a breakup themed episode, I did want to let you know that I have a few different resources available for you if you are going through a breakup and you're looking for some extra support. I have a free quiz on my website which is about, you know, which breakup stage are you in? The point of that quiz being that depending on which stage of a breakup you're in, I'm then able to give you a free guide that's tailored to that stage and funnel you to some different resources.
[00:03:08]:
I also have a free guided meditation on finding closure, which is a crowd favorite that's been downloaded thousands and thousands of times, and I always get beautiful feedback from that one. Or if you are really looking to up the ante and support yourself through the breakup, With lots of tools and resources, my Higher Love course is a really comprehensive road map through a breakup and beyond, and you can save 50% on that course with the discount code Phoenix. So just wanted to let you know of those few resources if you are going through a breakup and you're looking for a bit of extra help through the weeds of it because I know that it can be really challenging. And I think even having something to reach for, tools, practices, that can be a really healthy distraction and and something that can actually move you in the right direction with a bit of structure. So I wanted to share that. 2nd quick announcement is just to remind you again about my couple of in person events coming up. So a workshop in Sydney at the end of November and a retreat in Byron Bay next May. So if you're interested in either of those, you can head to my website.
[00:04:15]:
There are links in the show notes and you can check out all the details. And if you wanna come hang out with me in person and do some of this work and go really deep, I would love to see you there. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around how to stop hoping that your ex is going to come back and say they've changed their mind. So as I often do, I wanna start by validating how very, very human this is to have that hoping. Okay? Particularly when we've been through a break up, maybe we're in the thick of it, and we've been left by someone. I think in most cases where we're holding onto this hope, it's in circumstances where we were not the one to end the relationship, so someone has broken up with us. And that may have been against your will.
[00:05:00]:
Maybe you were really blindsided by it, or maybe it was a long time coming, but it was something that you were, you know, really trying to work against, and you were trying to work it out, and you really wanted things to play out differently between you. But either way, I think that experience of being broken up with can be really hard when it's just not what we wanted. Add to that that in a lot of cases, being broken up with can be a bit of a hit to our self worth, our ego, our self esteem. You know, we can be feeling a little bit less than wonderful about ourselves when we've been broken up with. It can feed all of these really painful stories around Why doesn't anyone want me? Why am I not lovable enough? I tried so hard and it still wasn't enough to make them stay. What could I have done differently? All of these stories that really, at a fundamental level, are asking, Why not me? And so I think against this backdrop, of course, like, of course, we're hoping that they turn around and come back and say, I made a terrible mistake. I love you. I miss you.
[00:06:04]:
My life is an empty mess without you. I take it all back. Let's get back together. Of course, there's a part of you that feels that way. Right? And I think that's true even if you don't actually want to get back together, even if a part of you knows that the relationship wasn't working and it's probably for the best that you broke up. I think it's really, really normal that there would be another part of you that is holding on to that hope and that would feel kind of validated or vindicated by your ex coming back and saying, take me back. I love you. I miss you.
[00:06:34]:
I need you. So I think I just really want to validate, like, the absolute normalcy, the humanness of having that hope. And I think that so often when we have these experiences, and as I said in the introduction, whether it's hoping or anxiety or sensitivity or sadness, anger, we judge ourselves for having the emotion, for having the experience, and we push against it. And I think that creates so much more angst and inattention than if we just turned towards that and go, yeah. Well, that makes sense. Of course, I'm hoping that. Right? So rather than trying to stop hoping because I really don't think that you can force yourself to stop hoping, to let go of hope. I think you can set the intention to let go of hope or to cultivate more acceptance, but I don't think that you can force it.
[00:07:24]:
And I actually think that the less you try to force it, the less you try and get rid of it, which I consider to be frankly a waste of energy. The more that you can direct your energy to something that is productive and supportive and and helpful in terms of what comes next. I think this is a broader misconception that a lot of people have when they're going through a breakup. How do I stop missing them? Is another really common question that I'll get. And again, there's nothing really for you to do there because you can't just force yourself to stop missing someone. But the key here is not letting the part of you that is hoping that they'll come back, not letting the part of you that is missing them be in the driver's seat in terms of making your decisions, in terms of how you're living your day to day life. They can be in the car, and they probably will be in the car. As I said, it's not easy to just kick them out and leave them on the highway.
[00:08:15]:
Right? It's a part of you, and it's a very human, understandable, tender part of you that really you should be taking good care of rather than, you know, blaming or making wrong. To go back to the person who originally asked the question, who said, I know I deserve more, I think we really need to anchor into that knowing that you deserve more than someone who doesn't want to be with you. Right? You deserve more than someone who is unsure. And so trying to really hold that knowing, even if it feels like that part of you is only 1% and the hoping and the missing is 99%, really consciously shifting into, I know I deserve more and I'm going to move my life forward, I'm going to take action from the part of me that knows that I deserve more, and really is choosing to believe that there is more out there for me than someone who doesn't want to be with me. And I think that is just so, so essential, and this is the advice I give to everyone around breakups. I can't tell you how many messages I get from people saying, how do I get my ex to give me another chance? How do I get someone to take me back? They're not answering any of my calls. They don't wanna see me. And I know that when you're in it, that desperation is really real, and that attachment and that fear is very real.
[00:09:29]:
And I think we need to kind of check ourselves and go, do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Right? And the part of us that knows deep down that the answer to that is no, I don't. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and I don't want to have to convince them of that. I think that that's really the part of us that we need to be turning up the volume on and really consciously leaning into in a breakup in these circumstances where there's another part of us that is holding onto that hope. So all of that being said, there's nothing for you to do about solving the hoping. If you want to give any attention or time to the hoping, do so in a validating, really loving, compassionate way. You could do some journaling about it, and you could just write at the top of a page, I am hoping, and just see what stream of consciousness comes out. And that, again, is beautiful and expressive and important, that the part of you that is holding on to hope gets to be seen and validated. Because as I said, I think the more we push against it, the more we try and silence it, the louder it becomes.
[00:10:35]:
It's almost like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It doesn't want to be told no, because that part of you is there for a reason, and maybe that hope is trying to protect you from the immense grief of acceptance. Maybe that hope is holding on because to let go feels like too much too soon. And so trust that there is some wisdom in that while also deciding to act from another part of you that knows that you deserve more, but certainly not making that hoping part wrong, certainly not judging yourself for it or calling yourself pathetic or tragic or any of those other things that we can, you know, really unkindly criticize ourselves about. Let it be there. Layer it with lots of love and tenderness and care as you would a friend that was going through a really hard time, but still hold what you know to be true. Hold your integrity. Hold your values.
[00:11:29]:
Hold your vision for what you want and what you deserve, and decide to take action from that place. I think that's the really critical distinction here. So I hope that that was helpful. Bit of a short and sweet episode, but really, really important distinction. As I said, even if you're not in that set of circumstances, I think there's a lesson in that for all of us, for the parts of us that we judge, that we are critical of, rather than saying, how do I make that stop or how do I make it go away? Think the better question is, what is it trying to tell me? Or what is it trying to keep me safe from? And how can I really compassionately turn towards that and trust in its wisdom, while still staying true to my north star, my sense of integrity, my sense of value based decision making so that I can move my life in the direction that I want? So I hope that's been helpful.
[00:12:20]:
As I said, plenty of resources for those of you who are going through a breakup on my website. It's all linked in the show notes. Sending you lots of love if you're going through that because I know it's really tender and hard, but you will get through it. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. The sun will rise, and I'm sending you lots of love. Okay. Thanks, guys.
[00:12:42]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, breakup advice, hope after breakup, ex-partner, moving on, emotional support, self-worth, self-esteem, missing an ex, emotional healing, practical tools, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast episode, overcoming insecurity, breakup stages, guided meditation, finding closure, Higher Love course, breakup resources, acceptance after breakup, self-respect, starting anew, Sydney workshop, Byron Bay retreat, grief acceptance, journaling about hope, emotional wisdom