#161: How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Relationships
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
Key points include:
Feelings of instability in relationships: Many with fearful avoidant attachment feel fine when single, but painful emotions surface in relationships, often leading to blaming their partner.
Impact of partner's attachment style: A hallmark of fearful avoidant attachment is the shift between anxious and avoidant behaviours, which can vary from one partner to the next depending on the attachment combinations.
Idealising vs. villainising partners: There’s a tendency to place partners on a pedestal at times, but then quickly villainise them when triggered or threatened.
Fear of intimacy vs. longing for connection: Fearful avoidants deeply crave closeness, but a core fear of rejection — often rooted in shame — makes true intimacy feel unsafe. Fear of betrayal and difficulties with trust are also common.
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Triggerhere✨
Understanding Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Navigating relationships can be a challenging journey, especially when attachment styles come into play. One of the most complex attachment styles is the fearful avoidant attachment. People with this style often find themselves yearning for intimacy but simultaneously feeling petrified by the prospect of it. This paradox of wanting closeness yet fearing it creates a series of intricate dynamics within relationships that can be difficult to manage for both partners involved. Let's delve deeper into how fearful avoidant attachment manifests in relationships and explore ways to navigate these challenges.
The Push-Pull Dynamic
Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment frequently experience a push-pull dynamic in their relationships. On one hand, they deeply crave connection and intimacy. They are often described as "hopeless romantics" who idealise relationships and partner prospects. The initial phase of a relationship can feel exhilarating as they may place their partner on a pedestal, believing this could be the person to save them from past relational pains.
However, as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate, a profound fear takes hold. Fearful avoidant individuals have an ingrained belief that those closest to them hold the power to inflict the most harm. This fear triggers protective mechanisms, causing them to pull away from their partner, sometimes abruptly. This shift from intense closeness to sudden distance can be bewildering for their partners, leading to a cycle of confusion and hurt.
Impact of Shame and Self-Loathing
A core aspect of fearful avoidant attachment is a deep-seated sense of shame and self-loathing. Many people with this attachment style feel inherently broken and unworthy of love. This belief fuels their protective behaviours, aiming to conceal these so-called "unlovable" parts of themselves.
Experiences of shame often intertwine with secrecy. Fearful avoidant individuals might hide parts of themselves or be less than honest in relationships. The thought of being truly seen and known is both a longing and a terror. Revealing their authentic selves is frightening, as they worry it will confirm their worst fears of rejection and inadequacy.
Relationship Triggers and Reactions
Fearful avoidant individuals respond differently depending on their partner's attachment style. For instance, if their partner displays dismissive avoidant behaviours—creating emotional distance or being noncommittal—it can trigger abandonment fears in the fearful avoidant person. This can lead to clingy, anxious behaviours and an overwhelming need for reassurance.
Conversely, if their partner has an anxious attachment style, seeking constant closeness and reassurance, the fearful avoidant individual may feel smothered. This suffocation triggers their fear of engulfment and loss of independence, prompting them to pull away, criticise their partner, or appear flaky and noncommittal.
Understanding these triggers can help fearful avoidant individuals and their partners navigate the complexities of their relational dynamics more mindfully, fostering empathy and patience.
Strategies for Creating Safety
While the challenges of fearful avoidant attachment can seem daunting, there is hope. Here are some strategies for creating more safety and stability in relationships:
Increase Self-Awareness: Recognising one's own patterns and triggers is a crucial first step. Understanding why you react a certain way allows you to address the root cause rather than just the symptoms.
Communicate Openly: Honest communication is vital in any relationship, but especially so for those with fearful avoidant tendencies. Sharing your fears and struggles with your partner can foster understanding and intimacy.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in working through attachment issues. A professional can offer guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore these deep-seated fears.
Establish Boundaries: Creating clear boundaries can help manage feelings of being overwhelmed. This might include setting aside time for personal space or defining limits on emotional sharing.
Practice Self-Compassion: Work on cultivating a kinder inner dialogue. Recognise that feeling scared or overwhelmed does not make you unworthy of love. Embracing self-compassion can gradually reduce feelings of shame and self-loathing.
Build Emotional Safety: Focus on building a relationship environment characterised by trust, consistency, and emotional support. Both partners should feel safe expressing themselves without fear of judgement or rejection.
A Journey Towards Healing
Understanding and addressing fearful avoidant attachment is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, both from the person experiencing it and their partner. Remember, the journey towards secure attachment and healthier relationships is made up of small, consistent steps. It's about creating a safe environment where openness, vulnerability, and trust can flourish, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.
While the path may be challenging, it is also profoundly rewarding. By addressing attachment fears and working towards vulnerability and connection, individuals can experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Healing from fearful avoidant attachment is possible, and with self-awareness, support, and dedication, one can build the foundations for a loving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself idolising your partner at the beginning of a relationship, only to later feel disillusioned? How do you think this impacts your emotional wellbeing and the stability of your relationships?
When you're not in a relationship, do you notice a significant difference in your emotional regulation and sense of control? How might being single allow you to feel more secure and grounded?
Reflect on a time when you abruptly pulled away from someone close to you. What fears or insecurities do you think were triggered in that moment that led to your withdrawal?
If you identify with fearful avoidant attachment, in what ways do you feel seen or unseen in your relationships? How does this perception shape your interactions and emotional responses?
Consider the role of shame in your relational patterns. Are there parts of yourself that you feel need to be hidden? How does this secrecy affect your ability to form deep, authentic connections?
Have you ever found yourself fluctuating between feeling intensely connected to a partner and feeling the urge to push them away? What triggers these shifts for you, and how do they influence your relationship dynamics?
How do you navigate feelings of defensiveness and criticism from your partner or yourself? What strategies might help you create a sense of safety and reduce reactivity in those moments?
Reflect on any patterns of blaming your partner for relationship issues. To what extent do you think these patterns might be rooted in your own fears and insecurities?
In relationships where you feel overly anxious or avoidant, what core fears do you think are being highlighted by your partner's behaviour? How might recognising these fears help you respond more constructively?
If you have a history of feeling "broken" or "defective," how does this belief impact your relationships? What steps can you take to challenge these beliefs and foster more secure and loving connections?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships. So whenever I talk about fearful avoidant attachment, I always get this resounding feedback of more. Please talk more about fearful avoidant attachment. And as I've said, I think that that's because there tends to be a bit less, by way of content, around fearful avoidant attachment relative to anxious attachment and even avoidant attachment.
[00:00:58]:
And I know that many folks who struggle with fearful avoidant attachment are what we might call seekers, people who really want to understand themselves better and so are really hungry for information that feels validating and illuminating as to, you know, why they struggle with the things that they struggle with. And so I'm hoping that in today's episode, it's going to be a little bit free form in the sense that I'm just going to be sharing tidbits of things that fearful avoidant attaches are likely to experience and struggle within their relationships, you know, how that attachment style shows up, some things that you might expect. And I'm hoping that this will be insightful both for people who identify with that attachment style and folks who might be in relationship with someone with that attachment style and those patterns, so that you can understand a little more what drives it. Maybe you can feel seen. I think that many folks with those attachment patterns can feel quite broken. And so I think anyone who has that tendency towards feeling broken, feeling like there's something wrong with them, it can be extremely validating and encouraging to realize that you're far from alone in your experience. And not only is there an explanation, but there is hope. It's not something that you are condemned to struggle with for the rest of your life.
[00:02:12]:
There are things that you can do to shift those patterns towards something that feels more sturdy, more stable, more secure, and can give you some relief from that inner turmoil. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of announcements. As I've shared a bit recently, I've got some exciting events coming up in Australia. A workshop in Sydney at the end of November, and a retreat in Byron Bay in May next year. I've also got some really exciting things in the pipeline, brand new things online, and I'm not quite ready to announce that yet. I know that sounds very cagey. It's mostly because I haven't finalized the details, and I don't want to log myself into anything prematurely.
[00:02:53]:
But if you're interested in, you know, any or all of those things, I really encourage you to jump on my email list. I send out a weekly ish newsletter. I'd love to be able to say every Thursday morning at 10 AM, it goes out like clockwork. Sadly, I am not that organized, but I send out a weekly ish newsletter that dives deep into the types of themes that I explore in my podcast. Sometimes it is a deep dive into a podcast episode, sort of in an extended blog post format. I have over 30,000 people who receive my email newsletters, and I always get really beautiful feedback. So if you're interested in receiving those newsletters just for the fun of it, jump on my email list and with the added bonus that that is where I always announce things first, opportunities to work with me and new programs, new offerings. My email list always gets first dibs on that.
[00:03:38]:
So if you're interested in any of those ways to work with me, for the in person stuff, you can go straight to my website and sign up. Or for the upcoming things that I haven't quite announced yet, jump on my email list and you'll be the first to hear. Okay. So let's dive into talking about fearful avoidant attachment and how it shows up in relationships. So I think it's helpful to say at the outset that for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, when they're not in a relationship, they feel pretty under control, relatively speaking. They might feel like they have a reasonable grip on their, you know, emotional regulation. Things like reactivity, which can really come out a lot in relationships, very easily triggered, might be less apparent when they're not in a relationship. For some people, it'll be, like, you know, night and day, like, they're totally fine when they're single, but once they get into a relationship, all of that stuff really rises to the surface very quickly.
[00:04:30]:
For some others, I would say those patterns of reactivity and being very easily triggered by other people, being very sensitive to perceived criticism and feeling very defensive, those things can bleed into other areas of life, so friendships or working relationships. But for the most part, I would say that people with fearful avoidant attachment will feel more under control when they're not in a relationship. And that makes sense when we think about the fact that for fearful avoidant folks, they have an imprint around relationships, that the people closest to me have the greatest capacity to hurt me. I really long for that connection and intimacy, but I'm so afraid of it when I get close to it, that all of my protective parts come out with guns blazing so fierce in their commitment to keeping me safe from all of the things that I associate with intimacy, which are a lot of fears. So it can be really disorienting and confusing for someone with fearful avoidant attachment, and for someone who's in relationship with someone with fearful avoidant attachment, that they can really seek out relationships. I think that there is this hopeless romantic part in many fearful avoid people. They do have, at least on the surface, a positive association with relationships, in that they are inclined to seeking them out. They want love, they want connection, and so they sort of move towards that and seek that.
[00:05:57]:
And I think initially there can be a tendency to pedestalize a partner, to really idolize them and to think like, this is it, right? This is the person I've been waiting for, and in this relationship, unlike all the others, everything's going to be great. All of my demons are going to sort of dissolve because this person's going to be the one. I'm not going to have to struggle in the ways that I've struggled previously. I'm going to it's almost like this is my salvation. And so there can be this tendency to really look up to someone that they're initially drawn to and attracted to and seeking out relationship with. And I think for the person on the other side of that equation, that can feel you know, really wonderful, as it does at the start of a relationship. I think we can all put a partner on a pedestal at the start of a relationship and kind of see them through rose colored glasses. But I think the fearful avoidant really does do this a lot, And I think they not only do they think the partner's amazing, but they do tend to have these stories, whether conscious or not, that this partner is going to kind of be their ticket out of all of that stuff that they've struggled with for so long.
[00:07:06]:
And this is where it gets really challenging because inevitably, there's a fall from grace there. Right? The higher you put someone on a pedestal, the further they have to fall. And so I think that as the relationship progresses, as things get closer, more intimate, the fearful avoidant will invariably be brought into contact with their wounds, their sensitivities, because intimacy is such a sore point, is such a challenge for them, that as much as they yearn for it and seek it out and long for it, when they get it, when they get close to it, it actually really terrifies them. And that can be as confusing for them as it is for the other person. Right? It's not like they've done this in a really cold and calculated way. I think that if you spend too much time in certain areas of the Internet that are talking about, like, love bombing and narcissism and all of that, it's not to say that that doesn't happen, but that's really not what's happening for someone with fearful avoidant attachment. It's not a manipulative strategy to try and hurt someone, and it is as confusing for them as it is for the other person. The fact that they can go from all in and really excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so smitten with the other person to really turning.
[00:08:25]:
And the turn can be quite pronounced. It can be really extreme. It's not just, you know, a a fade out. They can go from thinking someone is this, like, incredible, best person I've ever met, love of my life, to thinking that they are just the worst. Right? You are my worst enemy. You are, you know, total villain. And oftentimes they can't explain that in rational terms. But it's so persuasive and it's so real, this almost sense of hatred towards their partner that can kind of fall upon them so quickly that you can have one small rupture.
[00:09:04]:
And the fear and the rage and the heat that comes up in them directed towards their partner can feel so intense. And oftentimes, the only way they know how to deal with that is by pulling away, by pushing away, by getting as far away from their partner as they can. And I think that, I would argue deep down, most folks with fearful avoidant detachment know that the blame they place on a partner is probably not the full picture because deep down, and really this is another key piece here, at the heart of fearful avoidant detachment is a lot of shame, a lot of feeling broken, feeling like there is something really fundamentally wrong with me, and kind of almost self loathing a lot of the time. And so as much as their protective strategy is to push someone away, blame them, make them the bad guy, I think depending on the level of self awareness, I think on some level, many people would know that deep down they feel like they're the bad guy, and they're pushing someone away to both save the other person and save themselves from that. And I think you might even hear someone with fearful avoidant saying things like, you deserve better than me', or 'I just hurt people', I'm too fucked up to be in a relationship', those sorts of sentiments, and so they feel like they almost have to push someone away, both for their own self preservation, because as we said at the start, they feel so much more, kind of, level and grounded when they're not in a relationship. So for their own sake and the sake of this person that they do kind of put on a pedestal and they do feel undeserving of much of the time, it's almost like, I have to save you from me. But it doesn't come out that way. Often that will be cloaked in anger or blame or defensiveness or criticism.
[00:10:56]:
So all of that can feel really complicated, and it can feel messy and confusing and really painful for everyone involved. I think another key piece, and it sort of ties in with this, both the shame and that longing for intimacy, is that often fearful avoidance will pull away when they feel like someone is getting to see them. So again, it's this sense of, like, I so yearn to be known. I so yearn to be understood and loved and seen. And the idea of that actually happening, the reality of that, is so deeply frightening that as soon as anyone actually gets close to knowing me and seeing me, I'm inclined to consciously or subconsciously come up with some sort of reason to push them away. So I think because shame is such a big piece for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, often shame and secrecy go hand in hand. So there might be certain parts of themselves that they have been, you know, not fully upfront about. They haven't been honest with the people that they're in relationship with.
[00:12:09]:
And maybe they're really compartmentalizing or not being fully authentic, which I think makes sense when someone feels like there's something wrong with them or they're broken or there is something to be ashamed of. Often, secrecy and pretending and half truths are a strategy to conceal those parts of themselves that you, you know, have deemed to be unacceptable or unlovable. And so while there is this yearning to be known and seen and to have true intimacy with someone, I think that sounds really nice in theory, but in practice, that requires letting someone see parts of you that maybe you've never shown to anyone before. And when you believe at a really fundamental level that no one could ever love those parts because you can't love those parts or you feel you can't love those parts, the idea of someone else actually seeing those, you know, when it's crunch time, that's pretty terrifying. And most people, I would say, will default to a protective part, a protective strategy to stop that from actually having to happen. It takes a huge amount of capacity and self awareness and bravery and vulnerability to actually go there, and a huge amount of safety in the relational container. And so unless you've got that safety established, which arguably is a bit chicken and egg because I think that it's hard to have that level of safety when you haven't been vulnerable, when you haven't been honest and authentic. And so I think that often what will happen is the relationship lacks that level of emotional safety, lacks that level of containment and trust.
[00:13:47]:
And so when push comes to shove, the idea of actually being vulnerable, being honest, being forthcoming about those parts of you that you've kept secret or that you've hidden away, that can just be so confronting and so daunting that you feel as it's just not worth it. That it's too high risk because if they see that, they'll reject me and they'll confirm everything that I already deeply believe about myself, which is that no one could ever love that if they were to really see that. And so rather than taking that risk of showing yourself to someone, it feels like the safer thing to do is pull back at that point, to end the relationship, to make the other person the problem, to come up with some sort of reason why it's not a good fit. All of these can be kind of different branches of the same tree, which is wanting intimacy, but as soon as I get close to it, I've got to find an exit, because it just feels almost claustrophobic, the idea of being with your back up against the wall and actually having to face the reality of being seen and known by someone fully laid bare without all of those, you know, protectors standing in front of you and keeping that buffer or keeping that distance that has been a safety blanket for you for probably most of your life. So the last piece that I want to speak to and I do apologize. I realize this has been a very all over the place episode. I did I did warn you in the introduction that it was gonna be a little bit stream of consciousness. But one piece that I want to speak to is a question that I get a lot, which is how feeble avoidant attachment might manifest itself or express itself in relationship with different kinds of partners.
[00:15:34]:
So matched with someone who is dismissive avoidant, are you likely to be more anxious? Whereas with a more anxious partner, are you likely to be more avoidant? And the short answer is yes in most cases. I think when we take a step back and go, okay, attachment styles are basically describing the strategies that we use to create safety for ourselves in relationships. And they also describe what types of things cause us stress or fear in relationships. When we look at it that way and we consider that the fearful avoidant, they experience both anxiety and avoidance. They rank high on both of those metrics. And they also tend to experience the core wounds of both anxious and avoidant attachment. So they struggle with a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection. They also experience that fear of engulfment, that fear of loss of self.
[00:16:28]:
They're very protective of their independence. They don't want to feel like they're being smothered. They feel defective in relationships and they have a lot of shame around that. So they kind of have aspects of both anxious and avoidant detachment. Because of that, because they, you know, have core wounds from both ends of the spectrum, they have protective strategies to accompany those core wounds or that have grown out of those core wounds. So we can then see that someone with fearful avoidant attachment, if they're in relationship with someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns, it is more likely that that person with dismissive avoidant patterns who's, you know, leaning on their strategies of maybe creating distance, maybe being noncommittal, not being very clear in their feelings, maybe pushing away intimacy, that that is more likely to trigger the abandonment wounds and the fear of rejection in the fearful avoidant. And so it's more likely to enliven the strategies that grow out of that. So trying to get close, trying to get reassurance, you know, trying to get someone to like them, the more people pleasing parts.
[00:17:34]:
Contrast that with fearful avoidant in relationship with someone with more anxious attachment patterns, who might be more clingy and reassurance seeking and wanting to get closer and closer and closer. That's likely to trigger the intimacy fears of the fearful avoidant. The fears of being smothered, the fear of engulfment, the protectiveness around their independence, and as we just talked about, the shame and the sense of brokenness, that sense of I can't let you get too close because you'll see me and that terrifies me. And so in those circumstances, in that kind of dynamic, you're more likely to get avoidant strategies of pushing them away, of being non committal, of being flaky, of criticising a partner, finding things that are wrong with their partner as a way to create distance. So I think seen against that backdrop, this question that I get all the time from people as if it's a great mystery actually makes perfect sense. That if you have more fearful avoidant patterns and you carry all of those core wounds and fears, that depending on who's on the other side of the equation, you are more likely to animate or manifest different aspects of those strategies depending on what wound is really front and centre for you, what you're being most brought into contact with. So it actually, I think, makes a lot of sense when seen against that backdrop. Okay.
[00:18:53]:
So I'm going to leave it there. I hope that that was, you know, a helpful, albeit a little bit all over the place, dive into how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships, some of the things that are likely to present as challenges, what you might experience. As I said in the introduction, my intention with this is hopefully to allow you, if this is you, to feel validated, to feel understood, to know that there's perfectly good reasons for why you struggle with the things you struggle with, as is true for all of us. You know, our patterns really make perfect sense in the context of our past experience, and there are things that we can do. You're not inherently broken or defective. You're not just bad at relationships and doomed to struggle forever. It's just really about understanding, okay, what's going on for me here? What am I afraid of? And what could I do to create a little more safety for myself and in my relationships so that I feel able to step towards the edge of what is comfortable for me in a way that allows me to build that capacity and build the container and my ability to hold those things. So hopefully that's been insightful for you.
[00:20:02]:
As always, really grateful for those of you who leave feedback, leave reviews, and let me know if you want more of this kind of content. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:12]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
fearful avoidant attachment, relationships, attachment styles, insecure attachment, emotional regulation, reactivity, intimacy fears, shame, vulnerability, self-awareness, relationship patterns, defensive behaviour, emotional safety, attachment wounds, relationship challenges, core wounds, protective strategies, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of engulfment, fear of loss of self, longing for intimacy, emotional triggers, abandonement wounds, independence in relationships, criticism in relationships, people pleasing, feeling broken, hopeless romantic, dismissive avoidant,
#160 How to Work Through a Trigger
In today’s episode, we’re talking about how to navigate emotional triggers in a healthy and constructive way. Whether it’s a comment, an argument, or even an unexpected event, triggers can send us into emotional overdrive, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves. But with the right tools, you can slow down the spiral and regain control over your emotions.
In today’s episode, we’re talking about how to navigate emotional triggers in a healthy and constructive way. Whether it’s a comment, an argument, or even an unexpected event, triggers can send us into emotional overdrive, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves. But with the right tools, you can slow down the spiral and regain control over your emotions.
I’ll guide you through a simple, four-step process to help you work through triggers in real time. We’ll explore how to pause and ground yourself, tune into what’s happening in your body, examine the story you’re telling yourself about the situation, and identify what you truly need to move forward.
If you’ve ever felt hijacked by your emotions and want practical steps to bring more calm and clarity to these moments, this episode is for you.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
Why we get triggered and how the body responds to perceived threats
The importance of pausing and creating space before reacting
How to tune into your body to notice sensations and ground yourself
Questions to help you check the story you’re telling yourself about the situation
How to discern whether you need to have a conversation or if you can genuinely let it go
Identifying what you need to feel empowered and move forward
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Trigger here ✨
Navigating Emotional Triggers: Strategies for Growth and Healing
Emotional triggers are an unavoidable part of life, surfacing in our various relationships — be it romantic, familial, friendships, or even work environments. These triggers often stem from unresolved emotional baggage and can manifest unexpectedly, leaving us feeling out of control. Understanding how to manage these responses is key to fostering healthier relationships and a more secure sense of self.
Recognising Triggers
Triggers are essentially emotional flashpoints that draw a swift and often intense reaction. These moments tap into our past experiences, fears, or insecurities, causing us to react defensively or regretfully. It's not uncommon to look back at these reactions with a sense of bewilderment, wondering why we behaved in such a way. Recognising that these responses are messages from our body can be a crucial first step in managing them.
The Importance of Pausing
When faced with a trigger, the immediate goal should be to pause. The simple act of pausing creates a moment of separation between stimulus and response, allowing an opportunity to choose a considered reaction rather than an impulsive one. It prevents the escalation of emotions and offers a chance to respond from a grounded state.
Understanding the Body’s Response
Physiological responses to triggers are usually rapid, driven by the sympathetic nervous system. The surge of adrenaline and cortisol can make the heart race and induce a state of fight or flight. This physiological response was originally meant for survival, but in modern-day emotional scenarios, it often does more harm than good.
When triggered, tuning into bodily sensations can help ground you. Noticing where you feel tension—perhaps a racing heart or a warm flush—can anchor you in the present moment. This awareness serves as a reminder that while your body is reacting, the situation is not necessarily a threat to your survival.
Shifting Focus
If paying attention to certain bodily sensations exacerbates your stress, then redirecting your focus can be helpful. Shifting attention to neutral or pleasant sensations, like the feel of your feet on the ground or your hands resting softly, can draw you back to a state of calm and control.
Tools for Regulation
Having an array of regulation techniques to draw from can significantly aid in managing emotional triggers. Deep breathing exercises can slow down the heart rate, while physiological sighs—where you take a deep breath in, followed by a second, smaller breath before exhaling slowly—can reset the nervous system. Physical comforts like heat packs or weighted blankets can also bring a sense of security and relaxation.
Engaging Rational Thought
Once you’ve grounded yourself, bringing the rational mind back online is crucial. The rational brain often shuts down during an emotional trigger, leaving instinctual responses to take over. Therefore, it’s helpful to focus on questioning your responses: What story are you telling yourself? What fears or feelings are at play? Are these thoughts grounded in reality, or do they stem from past experiences?
Being able to distil your reactions down to these elements can provide clarity and open up a pathway to more insightful responses.
Communicating About Triggers
Effective communication about triggers in relationships can prevent future feelings of invalidation and misunderstanding. It’s important to approach conversations about triggers with empathy and consideration for both perspectives involved. For example, using “I feel” statements to express your emotions rather than making accusations can lead to more constructive dialogue.
When discussing triggers with partners or others, expressing your feelings plainly and making reasonable requests for future interactions can dissolve tension rather than escalate it.
Choosing When to Let Go
Not every trigger needs to be addressed through a detailed conversation. It’s essential to discern which issues require a resolution and which can be let go. With avoidant partners in particular, pressing every issue can be counterproductive. Letting go means truly releasing the subject without harbouring resentment, thus maintaining emotional balance and relationship harmony.
Turning Triggers into Opportunities
While triggers can be intensely challenging, they also hold the potential for significant personal growth and relationship healing. These moments, though painful, provide insight into unhealed areas and sensitivities that need attention. Developing emotional maturity and utilising self-care tools can transform these triggers from disruptive events into opportunities for repair and deeper understanding.
By recognising and rewriting old stories of distrust or hurt, healing becomes possible. Subsequent triggers need not feel overwhelming; instead, they can become bearers of important messages about your inner world, urging you towards greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
Adopting new, intentional responses to triggers is a crucial step towards personal development and stronger, safer relationships. Emotional triggers are a natural part of the human experience, but with the right tools and approaches, they can lead to profound healing and growth.
Embrace the challenge of working through your triggers for a more resilient, balanced, and fulfilling emotional life.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When faced with an emotional trigger, do you find it challenging to pause and create space before reacting? How do you think this initial pause could change the outcome of your interactions?
What physical sensations do you commonly experience when triggered? Can you identify strategies that help you ground yourself and bring safety back to your body?
Reflect on a recent time when you were triggered. What story were you telling yourself in that moment? How might this story be linked to past experiences or unhealed areas?
How do you typically respond when your partner or close friend triggers you? What might it look like to approach these situations with more empathy and understanding of both perspectives?
Think about a trigger that you chose not to discuss with someone. Did you truly let go of the issue, or do you feel lingering resentment? What steps could you take to fully release it?
Consider the last time you felt intense emotions during a triggering event. How did these emotions affect your rational thinking? What methods can you use to bring your rational brain back online in such moments?
Do you practise questioning absolute judgments and adopting generous interpretations when triggered? How do you think this mindset shifts could impact your relationships?
What role does personal responsibility play in your reactions to triggers? How can acknowledging your part in emotional responses foster healthier dynamics with others?
Which issues in your relationships do you feel genuinely require resolution conversations, and which could you let go? How do you distinguish between the two?
Reflect on how your attachment style influences your response to triggers. How can understanding your attachment style help you develop more effective self-care tools and communication strategies?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about how to work through a trigger. So there was an episode that I did two and a half years ago at the very start of this podcast. It was one of the first few episodes, and it was called 5 steps to working through a trigger. And it was a really you know, I got a lot of positive feedback at the time.
[00:00:51]:
And so I've always had in my head, like, I've already done an episode on on working through a trigger. But then I sort of zoomed out and realized that that was two and a half years ago, and that the vast majority of you have joined my community since then. And so it's probably a topic worth revisiting because triggers really are a fact of being an imperfect, messy human in imperfect, messy relationships. They affect our romantic relationships, our familial relationships, our friendships, our working relationships. They can really pop up all over the place. And I think that while there's probably a correlation between how much unprocessed wounding and and baggage, so to speak, we're carrying around. I think that the more of that you have under your belt, the more likely you are to be very sensitive and reactive, easily triggered. Even, I think, when you've done a lot of work, you can find yourself in situations that activate something within you.
[00:01:47]:
Maybe someone says something in a particular tone or doesn't say something, and all of a sudden you notice this big response arising in your body. And, for anyone who has had that experience, which I think is most everyone, knows that it can feel almost out of body. It can feel like something is hijacking your system and driving you to snap back or react in ways that you ordinarily wouldn't or that you'd rather not, you know, that are not in alignment with your highest self or your most emotionally mature self. It's amazing how we can regress into this very defensive self protective part when we feel triggered or activated, and it can feel really out of control. And so I think that having a process that allows you to work through a trigger is a very, very empowering thing because it allows you to create that pause, create that space, and feel like you can actually learn from the moment, the experience, rather than, you know, having it hijack your system and maybe make matters a lot worse. By taking an offhand comment and turning it into a whole spiraling rupture in a relationship where you then snap back and say something that you regret and so on and so forth. So I think that having a clear methodology or protocol for yourself around, oh, okay. Like, I feel competent in managing myself and my body and my mind when I'm triggered rather than feeling like I'm at the mercy of my own system and the world around me.
[00:03:19]:
I think that that really allows you to build self trust and trust in the safety of relationships because you're less likely to have ruptures left, right, and center and feel like relationships are a bit of a war zone for you. And I think that then pays dividends because your relationships are likely to be less triggering the less reactive you become. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And I wanted to say at the outset, I'm going to be outlining kind of a process for you to work through a trigger and to make life a little bit easier. I know most people listen on the go rather than sitting down with a pen and paper. I've made a little PDF that's just a bit of a cheat sheet, a one pager outlining the steps that I'm going to share in this episode. So if you want to download that cheat sheet and you can, you know, save it on your phone or have it nearby so that in the moment you can grab it and have something to lean on, you can download that by following the link in the show notes or heading straight to my website. Hopefully that will support you and provide a bit of a structure while you're still learning.
[00:04:22]:
So before we get into the nitty gritty of all of that, just a reminder. I know I've shared the past few weeks, that I have a couple of events coming up in Australia. So I have a 3 night retreat coming up next May in Byron Bay, which is a very, very beautiful location. If you're not familiar with it, Google it. All the details are on my website. There are still some early bird spots available for anyone who would like to join. And, yeah, if you're interested in doing some deep work over a few days in an incredible location with a great bunch of people, then definitely come join us. The second one is a weekend intensive that I'm running in Sydney, so it's just a 2 day thing rather than an overnight one.
[00:05:03]:
And we'll be doing, you know, a condensed version of my secure self challenge in the course of a weekend. So if you wanna spend a weekend with me at the end of November in Sydney, diving deep into all things self worth, getting clarity around where you're stuck, and really formulating a plan to move your life in the direction that you really want to go with a strong foundation of healthy self esteem and self worth and self confidence, I would love to see you there and you can sign up directly on my website. Okay, so let's talk about how to work through a trigger. So if you've been a listener for a while or you've done any of my programs, you've probably heard me talk about the difference between top down and bottom up approaches to healing, to therapy, to processing trauma or attachment wounds. And the distinction there is basically, you know, do we start with the thinking mind or do we start with the somathe somatic body and the somatic imprint of something. We try and change what is happening in the body by using the mind, or do we try and change what's happening in the mind by using the body? Now, I think that when it comes to working through triggers in particular, it's really, really essential that we start with the body. Because for many people, as I said, you feel this sense of your system being hijacked. You can feel like your body's on fire, your chest is thumping, your stomach churns.
[00:06:23]:
All of those experiences are very much of the body, and that's our sympathetic nervous system that is just firing up, that is activating, that is mobilising, and telling us, you know, something is threatening about this. Something doesn't feel safe, something doesn't feel good. Maybe I'm feeling attacked, maybe I'm, you know, feeling like something very bad is about to happen. Maybe I'm feeling shame, or I'm feeling anxiety, I'm feeling stress, I'm feeling insulted. Any of these things, your body responds almost instantaneously before your mind even has really caught up. Right? And because those experiences tend to originate in the body, it's really important that we start there. Because if you are in that experienceand again, I'm sure most everyone listening can relate to thisjust trying to think your way out of it or rationalise your way out of it it's almost like your body's moving at a faster pace than your mind. And it actually is that your body is moving at a faster pace than your mind.
[00:07:19]:
Oftentimes when we're really in a stress response like that, our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, our rational brain is offline, more or less. And so we don't really have access to that anyway. So trying to rationalize or reason our way out of a really intense stress response, which is what's happening when we're triggered in a very acute way, it tends not to be very effective. And as a side note, that's really so many of us will have had the experience where if something happens and we're really caught off guard and we're really triggered, we're really activated, and afterwards, a couple of hours later or days later, you can go, Oh, why didn't I say this? Or, Why did I just stand there? We retrospectively apply our reasonable thinking brain to what was very much a somatic experience in the moment, and we then judge ourselves or shame ourselves for how we responded. But I think it's really useful to remind ourselves that we didn't do all of that because we didn't have access to all of that. We didn't have access to empathy or reason or quick wit or any of those things. We were responding or reacting from a much more instinctual, primal, self protective place. So because of that and knowing that, working with what is going on in our body, 1st and foremost, tends to be most effective in working through a trigger in a way that creates some space, creates more regulation, creates more groundedness, so that we can deliberately bring our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, back online and be able to use that as a resource to then eventually process the situation.
[00:08:52]:
But trying to start there is putting the cart before the horse. So all of that being said, the first thing that I want you to do when you notice that you are being triggered, that you have been triggered, that something is activating, is just to pause. Okay? The pause can be a total lifesaver, relationship saver. Because as you'll know, when you get triggered, everything speeds up. That is the inclination, that's where your body goes, and that is a function of your sympathetic nervous system, is to speed everything up. Adrenaline, cortisol, everything starts pumping. It's trying to mobilize you into fast action. Right? It's really important that you try and counteract that rather than just leaning into that accelerant that's happening in your system.
[00:09:33]:
You know, if you are wanting to be able to respond from a grounded place, you're going to need to pause really deliberately and create some space for yourself. It's a very straightforward thing to be able to remember. Simple, but not easy. But nevertheless, if you can go, okay, I'm intrigued. Pause. That's my only job in this moment, is just to pause. Even just that little simple act of pausing will buy you some time and space, and that is really, really critical because that's where we get to change direction. That's where we get to create new pathways for ourselves, rather than just doing the old thing from muscle memory from autopilot that, you know, then reinforces that as the way that we respond.
[00:10:10]:
So just pause. Now, depending on what circumstances you find yourself in, if you're in a conversation with someone, they're right in front of you, and you're really triggered. That pause might need to be accompanied by removing yourself from the situation temporarily. So if you're in a conversation, you might have to say, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, or I just need a minute, or whatever. Find a way to extract yourself because it's going to be somewhat challenging to take yourself through the process of of working through the trigger. If the person who is really triggering to you and who's just said something or done something is sitting right in front of you, it's going to be hard because your system is still perceiving them as a threat. And so it's going to be quite challenging to override that overwhelming sense that there is something threatening right in front of me that I need to be dealing with. I need to do something about that threat.
[00:10:58]:
So you might be swimming too much against the tide to be trying to ground your system and calm down if you're really face to face with whatever it is that's feeling very triggering to you. So depending on where you're at, you if you are in direct proximity to someone or something that is triggering, it is usually wise to extract yourself, particularly at the start when you're still learning how to do this, when you've still got your training wheels on. So pausing and maybe taking some space for yourself. The next thing that I want you to do once you've done that and you've got that space to process is just to turn your attention inward. So notice what's happening in your body. So that might be racing hot. It might be a real churning in your belly. It might be heat in your face.
[00:11:42]:
It might be like your vision feels a bit disoriented, you might feel a bit dizzy, and there's a good chance that those sensations, those somatic experiences, are things that you have felt before. There's probably a long history of your body creating those responses to similar emotional states or similar feelings. It's like someone strikes the cord and your body knows what that feels like, and it's transporting you throughout the history of your life to all the other times you've felt that, which as a side note, and we'll come to this in a second, is why it can feel so much bigger and deeper and more painful than maybe the situation warrants. Because we are sort of being transported through time and coming to that moment with this accumulation of all of our previous experiences and all the other times we've felt that pain. And so we're responding to a lifetime of, you know, pain and wounding and sensitivity rather than just what is actually happening in that moment. So tuning into those sensations of the body and just noticing. That's your next only job. Okay? I think, again, as we move through this process of working through a trigger, rather than trying to solve the whole situation, rather than trying to figure out what you're going to say to this person or what you're going to do, I really want you to try and narrow your focus to the present moment.
[00:13:03]:
And so your first job is just to pause, your second job is just to notice. So what is going on in my body? What sensations are there? Right? And oftentimes, the turning inwards and the pausing to notice, because you're giving your brain a job to notice, that can distract from the escalation. Right? So that can pull you away from this mounting, snowballing stress. Now for some people, I will just say as a side note, some people will say, when I tune into the sensations of my body, that actually makes it worse, because if I notice that my heart is thumping, then I feel like that causes me more stress, and it kind of, you know, accentuates rather than the stress that I'm feeling. If that's true for you, then something else that you might try is finding a sensation in your body that feels good or neutral. So rather than focusing on the things that feel very stressful to you, if that's your experience, you might, you know, notice your feet planted in the floor. You might notice put your hands together and just notice the sensation of pressure from squeezing your hands together. So finding something that feels at least neutral, or ideally even good or comfortable, and training your attention to be in that sensation and to try and inhabit or embody that sensation with as much of your awareness as is possible and accessible to you, that can be quite a grounding experience that can buy you, again, a bit more space, a bit more time, a bit more pause, and hopefully a bit more regulation.
[00:14:35]:
As a follow on from that, now depending on your body, your system, that in and of itself, that process of noticing might be grounding. If not, and even if it is, you'll usually benefit from then really deliberately taking it a step further, and beyond just the noticing of what's happening in your body, trying to bring some safety back into your body. So that might look like taking some long, deep breaths, accentuating your exhale, doing some physiological sighs, humming. You might even, you know, lie on your bed in a fetal position. You might hug a pillow. All of these things that are quite grounding and create a sense of safety and presence in the body, they can be really, really helpful in the moment ways to bring you back into the here and now. And that's again, as I said, that's really the purpose of all of this, is to remind you that I'm here right now and I'm okay, because your triggered system is going to try and convince you otherwise, and it can be extremely persuasive in doing that. So bringing a bit more regulation into the body.
[00:15:40]:
Again, if you've done my healing anxious attachment course or some of my other programs, we build out a whole toolkit of ways to regulate your nervous system. And I'm sure that you can, you know, find a long list of things just by googling it, you know, tools for nervous system regulation. But any of those things, it's really important in this process of growth to to build out your own toolkit so that you have a lot of things to hand, and you know what to offer your own body when you need it in the moment. You know what works for you. Some other things that I like are like a heat pack or a weighted blanket, those sorts of things that can create a sense of containment and feel like you are held and anchored. All of those things tend to be really supportive as a counter act to the revving of your system into a triggered state. So once you've done that, once you've paused, once you've noticed the sensations of your body, once you've created some safety in the body, and you feel like you're a little bit more online in terms of, you know, your rational, thinking, reasonable brain, that's where we want to start interrogating a little what is actually happening. So this is where we bring in some of the top down questions and the things that I want you to ask.
[00:16:52]:
Again, as I said at the start, I've got a PDF that runs through all of this. So if this is feeling like you're losing track of what the steps are, fear not. There's a quick and easy download that will set it all out for you. But there's sorts of questions I want you to ask. What story am I telling myself about what is happening here? Right? What am I feeling? What am I making this situation mean about me, about them, about our relationship, about the world? What am I afraid is going to happen or has happened? Do I have enough evidence to support the stories that I'm telling myself, or am I catastrophizing? Am I filling in the blanks with worst case scenario interpretations? When else have I felt like this in my life, and is it possible that I am reacting to more than is really here in this moment? Am I reacting to someone or something from my past that's not actually in front of me right now? These sorts of questions really allow us to bring a bit more perspective in and to almost coach ourselves through. And I think that when we can do that, we create this separation within us, a really healthy separation where, rather than being totally consumed by the moment and totally consumed by our feelings, our interpretations, we start to be able to rise above and observe them. And again, just in doing that, just in creating that little bit of space between us and our interpretation, all of that can be really, really helpful in bringing the heat down in our system. Because, again, very reliably, and this is not something that's wrong with you, this is something we all do, When we're feeling triggered, we very quickly go to villain, victim, blame, how dare they, how, why do they think they can speak to me like that, I would never do that, how all of that stuff.
[00:18:40]:
Right? That tends to be what my internal dialogue sounds like when I notice that I get activated by something. And so taking the time to really deliberately slow down and second guess my own very absolute judgmental how dare they kind of story, that is very, very helpful in creating a bit more space, you know, going, what is the most generous interpretation that I can give that comment or this situation, whatever it might be, rather than what is the least generous interpretation, which is what we tend to do by default when we are activated. So going through that process and just sort of softening the edges of those stories that we tell ourselves, even injecting just a little bit of doubt or a little bit of, okay, I'm not totally 100% sure that they are out to get me and trying to hurt me, or that something terrible has happened that I maybe actually don't have all of the evidence to back up. Doing that, I think, allows our system to come down a little bit. It doesn't have to be, like, bringing it back down to 0 where you're meditating in a total zen state, but I think just bringing it down a little bit, again, these are all incremental shifts that allow us to access a bit more of our empathetic parts, our mature parts, our social brain that is going to allow us to eventually deal with this situation in a way that is not destructive to our relationships. So when you've asked all of those questions, and maybe developed a slightly more rounded view of the situation that maybe takes into account what the other person's intention might have been, even if the impact or the way that their comment landed might have really carried a sting for you. Being able to go, well, maybe they didn't mean it that way, or they probably just didn't think about it, or they forgot, or whatever it might be. Having a more generous interpretation, giving someone the benefit of the doubt, Going through all of those processes will really allow you to, come to an eventual conversation in a way that is much more balanced and much more conducive to healthy repair, if that's what needs to happen.
[00:20:48]:
And that leads me into, you know, the final piece of the puzzle here. So we've calmed the body, we've brought the thinking brain back online, and coached ourselves through whatever we've experienced. And really, I think that part is a really key piece in taking responsibility for what we are bringing to the moment rather than just blaming them and saying, well, you triggered me because you did this and you always do that, and how dare you speak to me like that. Recognizing that we are bringing so much to that moment that is leading to almost like a chemical reaction of whatever they've said or done or not said or not done, combined with our unique relational blueprint and history and experience, all of that, and it's caused this kind of explosion within us. And we are part of that equation. So recognizing, like, what am I bringing to this that has led me to interpret the situation in that way? And taking responsibility for whatever narrative or meaning making that we might be getting a bit creative with there. And then finally, what we want to do is figure out what we need. Right? Do I need to have a conversation with someone? For me now, sometimes I'll get triggered and I'll notice all of those stories and it all happens, and I pause and I tune in and I take a bit of space, take maybe a few minutes, maybe more, and I realize that it doesn't actually need a full blown repair.
[00:22:10]:
I don't need to sit down with Joel and say, hey, look. Before when you said this, it made me feel this way, and we really need to talk about it, and it's some whole big thing. Sometimes you can just let it go, and I think that, you know, part of the process of emotionally maturing is having the discernment to know what needs to be talked about, and what needs to be unpacked, and what you can just let go. And I think that, you know, sometimes when we're in the learning phase of this, we take it all very seriously and think that, like, every single little moment of rapture needs to have a full sit down conversation, where we audit what went wrong and come up with a plan to make sure it never happens again. I think that that can get really tiring. And if you've got a more avoidant leaning partner, that's probably going to be challenging for them. I know that historically that has been challenging for Joel. When we've been in phases of more ruptures and needing to have more of those repair conversations, like, several times a week, the resistance in him, I know, definitely mounts.
[00:23:11]:
It feels like he's being, you know, called into the principal's office every time I wanna talk to him. So I think that, like, part of having a secure functioning relationship is being able to let some things go, but I think ultimately you need to figure out for yourself. Can I let this go, or will letting it go mean me stewing on it and being resentful and being privately hurt and still holding onto it, but just not talking about it? So you need to figure out, like, if I'm gonna let it go, I need to let it go rather than just not talking about it and burying it. So figure out, is this okay? Like, can I just write this off as something that I had a big reaction to, but maybe that's because I didn't get a good night's sleep, or I'm being sensitive about something from my past that actually has nothing to do with my partner, or whatever else? Right? You decide for yourself if it needs to be talked about. If it does need to be talked about, I think that you will be in a much better place to do that having gone through this process. I mean, if you compare the way that you would have likely led that conversation if you had started the moment you got triggered, if you just reacted in that moment. Comparing that with the the kind of conversation you're likely to have on the other side of this process, it's like chalk and cheese. There's no comparison there because you're going to have so much more available to you by way of your own inner resources to lead that conversation in a way that is, you know, empathetic and relationally oriented and considering their perspective as well as your own, all of those things.
[00:24:40]:
So decide if you need to have that conversation. Consider what you need. Right? I think that we go into that conversation, we just blurt out, you hurt me, or I didn't like the way you said that, or something that just stops there. And I think that if we can lead that conversation by saying, hey, I noticed before that when x y zed thing happened, I felt a bit hurt, or I felt a bit rejected, or I felt a bit dismissed, and I recognize that that, you know, probably wasn't your intention. You were probably just and you can guess at what a more generous intention might have been. You were probably just distracted, or you were probably just a bit tired or whatever. Right? Something that is not, you are a villain and you're out to get me. But it had this effect on me, and I'd really appreciate it if going forward, you could do something else, right, and make a request of of how things could be different next time.
[00:25:37]:
So I think that if you can do that, you're going to be so much better placed to navigate these moments of trigger in a way that actually leads you closer, because as challenging as triggers can be, they're actually a really beautiful opportunity for insight and growth, because they point us to where there is still residue within us, where there's still unhealed stuff, where there are still sensitivities that maybe need some attention, that need some time. And when we have more capacity and we have the tools to deal with them in this emotionally mature, self caring way, we can actually create a repair opportunity there. Because if I get triggered by something and I feel dismissed and invalidated, and I'm able to identify that in a more nuanced, thoughtful way, and then I'm able to communicate that to my partner, and I'm able to not only share that that's how I felt, but request in a balanced, reasonable way that he do something differently next time, or could he be more considerate of that? And I'm able to deliver that in a way that he can actually hear it, and that he's likely to be able to take that and action it or implement it, then I've actually given myself a really beautiful gift there, because it's less likely that I am going to feel invalidated and dismissed next time. I've given my system a new experience whereby when I'm feeling invalidated and dismissed, that can be actually heard by someone, and we can create a new way going forward. So as much as no one likes getting triggered, but when you develop these tools, you can actually turn those moments of trigger into an opportunity both to deepen your relationship with yourself, to heal parts of you that may be still holding on to old pain or wounding, and also to deepen your relationship with someone else, because part of being in a relationship relationships are incredibly powerful at bringing up our triggers. They will do that. That is not in and of itself a problem. In fact, it's something that you should expect of your relationships.
[00:27:40]:
But really, the difference in a healing relationship is that you're able to take those, and really handle them with care and find a way forward. That you can create a new experience rather than reinforcing the old way which tells you that people don't care about me, or people are going to hurt me, or people always breach trust or whatever it might be. We want to recognize the old story, see when it arises, but then carry it into a new story and that's really where the healing lies. So I hope that this has been a helpful deep dive into working through triggers. As I said, don't forget to download that PDF if you would like it. It's just little one pager, so you can keep it on your phone, keep it handy, or maybe you want to print it out and stick it on your mirror or something, whatever works for you. But it's just a little go to guide that will step you through that process, so that when you are triggered, you have something to reference. And I think, again, even the the act of referring to something, even the act of of having that, allows you to steer yourself towards a new experience rather than just, you know, letting the horse bolt and carry you off into the old way, which might be really reactive and lashing out or out, or snapping back, or sulking or pouting, or whatever your go to is when you're triggered.
[00:28:54]:
Just having the intention to do things differently is a step in the right direction. So hopefully this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews, leave feedback. Also a reminder that all of these episodes are being uploaded to YouTube, so if you are someone who likes watching on YouTube, it would be super helpful for me if you could head on over there and like and subscribe as I'm trying to grow the channel there and grow the podcast on YouTube. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:29:37]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, On Attachment podcast, attachment styles, emotional triggers, emotional triggers in relationships, managing triggers, body-based approach, structured process for triggers, self-trust in relationships, relationship safety, rational brain offline, emotional responses, defensive reactions, regrettable reactions, PDF cheat sheet, Byron Bay retreats, Sydney workshops, personal development, self-worth, attachment healing, discerning issues, processing emotions, empathic communication, balanced requests, old stories of distrust, emotional maturity, self-care tools, physiological responses, nervous system regulation, deep breathing techniques