How to Work Through a Trigger
In today’s episode, we’re talking about how to navigate emotional triggers in a healthy and constructive way. Whether it’s a comment, an argument, or even an unexpected event, triggers can send us into emotional overdrive, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves. But with the right tools, you can slow down the spiral and regain control over your emotions.
I’ll guide you through a simple, four-step process to help you work through triggers in real time. We’ll explore how to pause and ground yourself, tune into what’s happening in your body, examine the story you’re telling yourself about the situation, and identify what you truly need to move forward.
If you’ve ever felt hijacked by your emotions and want practical steps to bring more calm and clarity to these moments, this episode is for you.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
Why we get triggered and how the body responds to perceived threats
The importance of pausing and creating space before reacting
How to tune into your body to notice sensations and ground yourself
Questions to help you check the story you’re telling yourself about the situation
How to discern whether you need to have a conversation or if you can genuinely let it go
Identifying what you need to feel empowered and move forward
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Trigger here ✨
Navigating Emotional Triggers: Strategies for Growth and Healing
Emotional triggers are an unavoidable part of life, surfacing in our various relationships — be it romantic, familial, friendships, or even work environments. These triggers often stem from unresolved emotional baggage and can manifest unexpectedly, leaving us feeling out of control. Understanding how to manage these responses is key to fostering healthier relationships and a more secure sense of self.
Recognising Triggers
Triggers are essentially emotional flashpoints that draw a swift and often intense reaction. These moments tap into our past experiences, fears, or insecurities, causing us to react defensively or regretfully. It's not uncommon to look back at these reactions with a sense of bewilderment, wondering why we behaved in such a way. Recognising that these responses are messages from our body can be a crucial first step in managing them.
The Importance of Pausing
When faced with a trigger, the immediate goal should be to pause. The simple act of pausing creates a moment of separation between stimulus and response, allowing an opportunity to choose a considered reaction rather than an impulsive one. It prevents the escalation of emotions and offers a chance to respond from a grounded state.
Understanding the Body’s Response
Physiological responses to triggers are usually rapid, driven by the sympathetic nervous system. The surge of adrenaline and cortisol can make the heart race and induce a state of fight or flight. This physiological response was originally meant for survival, but in modern-day emotional scenarios, it often does more harm than good.
When triggered, tuning into bodily sensations can help ground you. Noticing where you feel tension—perhaps a racing heart or a warm flush—can anchor you in the present moment. This awareness serves as a reminder that while your body is reacting, the situation is not necessarily a threat to your survival.
Shifting Focus
If paying attention to certain bodily sensations exacerbates your stress, then redirecting your focus can be helpful. Shifting attention to neutral or pleasant sensations, like the feel of your feet on the ground or your hands resting softly, can draw you back to a state of calm and control.
Tools for Regulation
Having an array of regulation techniques to draw from can significantly aid in managing emotional triggers. Deep breathing exercises can slow down the heart rate, while physiological sighs—where you take a deep breath in, followed by a second, smaller breath before exhaling slowly—can reset the nervous system. Physical comforts like heat packs or weighted blankets can also bring a sense of security and relaxation.
Engaging Rational Thought
Once you’ve grounded yourself, bringing the rational mind back online is crucial. The rational brain often shuts down during an emotional trigger, leaving instinctual responses to take over. Therefore, it’s helpful to focus on questioning your responses: What story are you telling yourself? What fears or feelings are at play? Are these thoughts grounded in reality, or do they stem from past experiences?
Being able to distil your reactions down to these elements can provide clarity and open up a pathway to more insightful responses.
Communicating About Triggers
Effective communication about triggers in relationships can prevent future feelings of invalidation and misunderstanding. It’s important to approach conversations about triggers with empathy and consideration for both perspectives involved. For example, using “I feel” statements to express your emotions rather than making accusations can lead to more constructive dialogue.
When discussing triggers with partners or others, expressing your feelings plainly and making reasonable requests for future interactions can dissolve tension rather than escalate it.
Choosing When to Let Go
Not every trigger needs to be addressed through a detailed conversation. It’s essential to discern which issues require a resolution and which can be let go. With avoidant partners in particular, pressing every issue can be counterproductive. Letting go means truly releasing the subject without harbouring resentment, thus maintaining emotional balance and relationship harmony.
Turning Triggers into Opportunities
While triggers can be intensely challenging, they also hold the potential for significant personal growth and relationship healing. These moments, though painful, provide insight into unhealed areas and sensitivities that need attention. Developing emotional maturity and utilising self-care tools can transform these triggers from disruptive events into opportunities for repair and deeper understanding.
By recognising and rewriting old stories of distrust or hurt, healing becomes possible. Subsequent triggers need not feel overwhelming; instead, they can become bearers of important messages about your inner world, urging you towards greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
Adopting new, intentional responses to triggers is a crucial step towards personal development and stronger, safer relationships. Emotional triggers are a natural part of the human experience, but with the right tools and approaches, they can lead to profound healing and growth.
Embrace the challenge of working through your triggers for a more resilient, balanced, and fulfilling emotional life.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When faced with an emotional trigger, do you find it challenging to pause and create space before reacting? How do you think this initial pause could change the outcome of your interactions?
What physical sensations do you commonly experience when triggered? Can you identify strategies that help you ground yourself and bring safety back to your body?
Reflect on a recent time when you were triggered. What story were you telling yourself in that moment? How might this story be linked to past experiences or unhealed areas?
How do you typically respond when your partner or close friend triggers you? What might it look like to approach these situations with more empathy and understanding of both perspectives?
Think about a trigger that you chose not to discuss with someone. Did you truly let go of the issue, or do you feel lingering resentment? What steps could you take to fully release it?
Consider the last time you felt intense emotions during a triggering event. How did these emotions affect your rational thinking? What methods can you use to bring your rational brain back online in such moments?
Do you practise questioning absolute judgments and adopting generous interpretations when triggered? How do you think this mindset shifts could impact your relationships?
What role does personal responsibility play in your reactions to triggers? How can acknowledging your part in emotional responses foster healthier dynamics with others?
Which issues in your relationships do you feel genuinely require resolution conversations, and which could you let go? How do you distinguish between the two?
Reflect on how your attachment style influences your response to triggers. How can understanding your attachment style help you develop more effective self-care tools and communication strategies?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about how to work through a trigger. So there was an episode that I did two and a half years ago at the very start of this podcast. It was one of the first few episodes, and it was called 5 steps to working through a trigger. And it was a really you know, I got a lot of positive feedback at the time.
[00:00:51]:
And so I've always had in my head, like, I've already done an episode on on working through a trigger. But then I sort of zoomed out and realized that that was two and a half years ago, and that the vast majority of you have joined my community since then. And so it's probably a topic worth revisiting because triggers really are a fact of being an imperfect, messy human in imperfect, messy relationships. They affect our romantic relationships, our familial relationships, our friendships, our working relationships. They can really pop up all over the place. And I think that while there's probably a correlation between how much unprocessed wounding and and baggage, so to speak, we're carrying around. I think that the more of that you have under your belt, the more likely you are to be very sensitive and reactive, easily triggered. Even, I think, when you've done a lot of work, you can find yourself in situations that activate something within you.
[00:01:47]:
Maybe someone says something in a particular tone or doesn't say something, and all of a sudden you notice this big response arising in your body. And, for anyone who has had that experience, which I think is most everyone, knows that it can feel almost out of body. It can feel like something is hijacking your system and driving you to snap back or react in ways that you ordinarily wouldn't or that you'd rather not, you know, that are not in alignment with your highest self or your most emotionally mature self. It's amazing how we can regress into this very defensive self protective part when we feel triggered or activated, and it can feel really out of control. And so I think that having a process that allows you to work through a trigger is a very, very empowering thing because it allows you to create that pause, create that space, and feel like you can actually learn from the moment, the experience, rather than, you know, having it hijack your system and maybe make matters a lot worse. By taking an offhand comment and turning it into a whole spiraling rupture in a relationship where you then snap back and say something that you regret and so on and so forth. So I think that having a clear methodology or protocol for yourself around, oh, okay. Like, I feel competent in managing myself and my body and my mind when I'm triggered rather than feeling like I'm at the mercy of my own system and the world around me.
[00:03:19]:
I think that that really allows you to build self trust and trust in the safety of relationships because you're less likely to have ruptures left, right, and center and feel like relationships are a bit of a war zone for you. And I think that then pays dividends because your relationships are likely to be less triggering the less reactive you become. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And I wanted to say at the outset, I'm going to be outlining kind of a process for you to work through a trigger and to make life a little bit easier. I know most people listen on the go rather than sitting down with a pen and paper. I've made a little PDF that's just a bit of a cheat sheet, a one pager outlining the steps that I'm going to share in this episode. So if you want to download that cheat sheet and you can, you know, save it on your phone or have it nearby so that in the moment you can grab it and have something to lean on, you can download that by following the link in the show notes or heading straight to my website. Hopefully that will support you and provide a bit of a structure while you're still learning.
[00:04:22]:
So before we get into the nitty gritty of all of that, just a reminder. I know I've shared the past few weeks, that I have a couple of events coming up in Australia. So I have a 3 night retreat coming up next May in Byron Bay, which is a very, very beautiful location. If you're not familiar with it, Google it. All the details are on my website. There are still some early bird spots available for anyone who would like to join. And, yeah, if you're interested in doing some deep work over a few days in an incredible location with a great bunch of people, then definitely come join us. The second one is a weekend intensive that I'm running in Sydney, so it's just a 2 day thing rather than an overnight one.
[00:05:03]:
And we'll be doing, you know, a condensed version of my secure self challenge in the course of a weekend. So if you wanna spend a weekend with me at the end of November in Sydney, diving deep into all things self worth, getting clarity around where you're stuck, and really formulating a plan to move your life in the direction that you really want to go with a strong foundation of healthy self esteem and self worth and self confidence, I would love to see you there and you can sign up directly on my website. Okay, so let's talk about how to work through a trigger. So if you've been a listener for a while or you've done any of my programs, you've probably heard me talk about the difference between top down and bottom up approaches to healing, to therapy, to processing trauma or attachment wounds. And the distinction there is basically, you know, do we start with the thinking mind or do we start with the somathe somatic body and the somatic imprint of something. We try and change what is happening in the body by using the mind, or do we try and change what's happening in the mind by using the body? Now, I think that when it comes to working through triggers in particular, it's really, really essential that we start with the body. Because for many people, as I said, you feel this sense of your system being hijacked. You can feel like your body's on fire, your chest is thumping, your stomach churns.
[00:06:23]:
All of those experiences are very much of the body, and that's our sympathetic nervous system that is just firing up, that is activating, that is mobilising, and telling us, you know, something is threatening about this. Something doesn't feel safe, something doesn't feel good. Maybe I'm feeling attacked, maybe I'm, you know, feeling like something very bad is about to happen. Maybe I'm feeling shame, or I'm feeling anxiety, I'm feeling stress, I'm feeling insulted. Any of these things, your body responds almost instantaneously before your mind even has really caught up. Right? And because those experiences tend to originate in the body, it's really important that we start there. Because if you are in that experienceand again, I'm sure most everyone listening can relate to thisjust trying to think your way out of it or rationalise your way out of it it's almost like your body's moving at a faster pace than your mind. And it actually is that your body is moving at a faster pace than your mind.
[00:07:19]:
Oftentimes when we're really in a stress response like that, our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, our rational brain is offline, more or less. And so we don't really have access to that anyway. So trying to rationalize or reason our way out of a really intense stress response, which is what's happening when we're triggered in a very acute way, it tends not to be very effective. And as a side note, that's really so many of us will have had the experience where if something happens and we're really caught off guard and we're really triggered, we're really activated, and afterwards, a couple of hours later or days later, you can go, Oh, why didn't I say this? Or, Why did I just stand there? We retrospectively apply our reasonable thinking brain to what was very much a somatic experience in the moment, and we then judge ourselves or shame ourselves for how we responded. But I think it's really useful to remind ourselves that we didn't do all of that because we didn't have access to all of that. We didn't have access to empathy or reason or quick wit or any of those things. We were responding or reacting from a much more instinctual, primal, self protective place. So because of that and knowing that, working with what is going on in our body, 1st and foremost, tends to be most effective in working through a trigger in a way that creates some space, creates more regulation, creates more groundedness, so that we can deliberately bring our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, back online and be able to use that as a resource to then eventually process the situation.
[00:08:52]:
But trying to start there is putting the cart before the horse. So all of that being said, the first thing that I want you to do when you notice that you are being triggered, that you have been triggered, that something is activating, is just to pause. Okay? The pause can be a total lifesaver, relationship saver. Because as you'll know, when you get triggered, everything speeds up. That is the inclination, that's where your body goes, and that is a function of your sympathetic nervous system, is to speed everything up. Adrenaline, cortisol, everything starts pumping. It's trying to mobilize you into fast action. Right? It's really important that you try and counteract that rather than just leaning into that accelerant that's happening in your system.
[00:09:33]:
You know, if you are wanting to be able to respond from a grounded place, you're going to need to pause really deliberately and create some space for yourself. It's a very straightforward thing to be able to remember. Simple, but not easy. But nevertheless, if you can go, okay, I'm intrigued. Pause. That's my only job in this moment, is just to pause. Even just that little simple act of pausing will buy you some time and space, and that is really, really critical because that's where we get to change direction. That's where we get to create new pathways for ourselves, rather than just doing the old thing from muscle memory from autopilot that, you know, then reinforces that as the way that we respond.
[00:10:10]:
So just pause. Now, depending on what circumstances you find yourself in, if you're in a conversation with someone, they're right in front of you, and you're really triggered. That pause might need to be accompanied by removing yourself from the situation temporarily. So if you're in a conversation, you might have to say, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, or I just need a minute, or whatever. Find a way to extract yourself because it's going to be somewhat challenging to take yourself through the process of of working through the trigger. If the person who is really triggering to you and who's just said something or done something is sitting right in front of you, it's going to be hard because your system is still perceiving them as a threat. And so it's going to be quite challenging to override that overwhelming sense that there is something threatening right in front of me that I need to be dealing with. I need to do something about that threat.
[00:10:58]:
So you might be swimming too much against the tide to be trying to ground your system and calm down if you're really face to face with whatever it is that's feeling very triggering to you. So depending on where you're at, you if you are in direct proximity to someone or something that is triggering, it is usually wise to extract yourself, particularly at the start when you're still learning how to do this, when you've still got your training wheels on. So pausing and maybe taking some space for yourself. The next thing that I want you to do once you've done that and you've got that space to process is just to turn your attention inward. So notice what's happening in your body. So that might be racing hot. It might be a real churning in your belly. It might be heat in your face.
[00:11:42]:
It might be like your vision feels a bit disoriented, you might feel a bit dizzy, and there's a good chance that those sensations, those somatic experiences, are things that you have felt before. There's probably a long history of your body creating those responses to similar emotional states or similar feelings. It's like someone strikes the cord and your body knows what that feels like, and it's transporting you throughout the history of your life to all the other times you've felt that, which as a side note, and we'll come to this in a second, is why it can feel so much bigger and deeper and more painful than maybe the situation warrants. Because we are sort of being transported through time and coming to that moment with this accumulation of all of our previous experiences and all the other times we've felt that pain. And so we're responding to a lifetime of, you know, pain and wounding and sensitivity rather than just what is actually happening in that moment. So tuning into those sensations of the body and just noticing. That's your next only job. Okay? I think, again, as we move through this process of working through a trigger, rather than trying to solve the whole situation, rather than trying to figure out what you're going to say to this person or what you're going to do, I really want you to try and narrow your focus to the present moment.
[00:13:03]:
And so your first job is just to pause, your second job is just to notice. So what is going on in my body? What sensations are there? Right? And oftentimes, the turning inwards and the pausing to notice, because you're giving your brain a job to notice, that can distract from the escalation. Right? So that can pull you away from this mounting, snowballing stress. Now for some people, I will just say as a side note, some people will say, when I tune into the sensations of my body, that actually makes it worse, because if I notice that my heart is thumping, then I feel like that causes me more stress, and it kind of, you know, accentuates rather than the stress that I'm feeling. If that's true for you, then something else that you might try is finding a sensation in your body that feels good or neutral. So rather than focusing on the things that feel very stressful to you, if that's your experience, you might, you know, notice your feet planted in the floor. You might notice put your hands together and just notice the sensation of pressure from squeezing your hands together. So finding something that feels at least neutral, or ideally even good or comfortable, and training your attention to be in that sensation and to try and inhabit or embody that sensation with as much of your awareness as is possible and accessible to you, that can be quite a grounding experience that can buy you, again, a bit more space, a bit more time, a bit more pause, and hopefully a bit more regulation.
[00:14:35]:
As a follow on from that, now depending on your body, your system, that in and of itself, that process of noticing might be grounding. If not, and even if it is, you'll usually benefit from then really deliberately taking it a step further, and beyond just the noticing of what's happening in your body, trying to bring some safety back into your body. So that might look like taking some long, deep breaths, accentuating your exhale, doing some physiological sighs, humming. You might even, you know, lie on your bed in a fetal position. You might hug a pillow. All of these things that are quite grounding and create a sense of safety and presence in the body, they can be really, really helpful in the moment ways to bring you back into the here and now. And that's again, as I said, that's really the purpose of all of this, is to remind you that I'm here right now and I'm okay, because your triggered system is going to try and convince you otherwise, and it can be extremely persuasive in doing that. So bringing a bit more regulation into the body.
[00:15:40]:
Again, if you've done my healing anxious attachment course or some of my other programs, we build out a whole toolkit of ways to regulate your nervous system. And I'm sure that you can, you know, find a long list of things just by googling it, you know, tools for nervous system regulation. But any of those things, it's really important in this process of growth to to build out your own toolkit so that you have a lot of things to hand, and you know what to offer your own body when you need it in the moment. You know what works for you. Some other things that I like are like a heat pack or a weighted blanket, those sorts of things that can create a sense of containment and feel like you are held and anchored. All of those things tend to be really supportive as a counter act to the revving of your system into a triggered state. So once you've done that, once you've paused, once you've noticed the sensations of your body, once you've created some safety in the body, and you feel like you're a little bit more online in terms of, you know, your rational, thinking, reasonable brain, that's where we want to start interrogating a little what is actually happening. So this is where we bring in some of the top down questions and the things that I want you to ask.
[00:16:52]:
Again, as I said at the start, I've got a PDF that runs through all of this. So if this is feeling like you're losing track of what the steps are, fear not. There's a quick and easy download that will set it all out for you. But there's sorts of questions I want you to ask. What story am I telling myself about what is happening here? Right? What am I feeling? What am I making this situation mean about me, about them, about our relationship, about the world? What am I afraid is going to happen or has happened? Do I have enough evidence to support the stories that I'm telling myself, or am I catastrophizing? Am I filling in the blanks with worst case scenario interpretations? When else have I felt like this in my life, and is it possible that I am reacting to more than is really here in this moment? Am I reacting to someone or something from my past that's not actually in front of me right now? These sorts of questions really allow us to bring a bit more perspective in and to almost coach ourselves through. And I think that when we can do that, we create this separation within us, a really healthy separation where, rather than being totally consumed by the moment and totally consumed by our feelings, our interpretations, we start to be able to rise above and observe them. And again, just in doing that, just in creating that little bit of space between us and our interpretation, all of that can be really, really helpful in bringing the heat down in our system. Because, again, very reliably, and this is not something that's wrong with you, this is something we all do, When we're feeling triggered, we very quickly go to villain, victim, blame, how dare they, how, why do they think they can speak to me like that, I would never do that, how all of that stuff.
[00:18:40]:
Right? That tends to be what my internal dialogue sounds like when I notice that I get activated by something. And so taking the time to really deliberately slow down and second guess my own very absolute judgmental how dare they kind of story, that is very, very helpful in creating a bit more space, you know, going, what is the most generous interpretation that I can give that comment or this situation, whatever it might be, rather than what is the least generous interpretation, which is what we tend to do by default when we are activated. So going through that process and just sort of softening the edges of those stories that we tell ourselves, even injecting just a little bit of doubt or a little bit of, okay, I'm not totally 100% sure that they are out to get me and trying to hurt me, or that something terrible has happened that I maybe actually don't have all of the evidence to back up. Doing that, I think, allows our system to come down a little bit. It doesn't have to be, like, bringing it back down to 0 where you're meditating in a total zen state, but I think just bringing it down a little bit, again, these are all incremental shifts that allow us to access a bit more of our empathetic parts, our mature parts, our social brain that is going to allow us to eventually deal with this situation in a way that is not destructive to our relationships. So when you've asked all of those questions, and maybe developed a slightly more rounded view of the situation that maybe takes into account what the other person's intention might have been, even if the impact or the way that their comment landed might have really carried a sting for you. Being able to go, well, maybe they didn't mean it that way, or they probably just didn't think about it, or they forgot, or whatever it might be. Having a more generous interpretation, giving someone the benefit of the doubt, Going through all of those processes will really allow you to, come to an eventual conversation in a way that is much more balanced and much more conducive to healthy repair, if that's what needs to happen.
[00:20:48]:
And that leads me into, you know, the final piece of the puzzle here. So we've calmed the body, we've brought the thinking brain back online, and coached ourselves through whatever we've experienced. And really, I think that part is a really key piece in taking responsibility for what we are bringing to the moment rather than just blaming them and saying, well, you triggered me because you did this and you always do that, and how dare you speak to me like that. Recognizing that we are bringing so much to that moment that is leading to almost like a chemical reaction of whatever they've said or done or not said or not done, combined with our unique relational blueprint and history and experience, all of that, and it's caused this kind of explosion within us. And we are part of that equation. So recognizing, like, what am I bringing to this that has led me to interpret the situation in that way? And taking responsibility for whatever narrative or meaning making that we might be getting a bit creative with there. And then finally, what we want to do is figure out what we need. Right? Do I need to have a conversation with someone? For me now, sometimes I'll get triggered and I'll notice all of those stories and it all happens, and I pause and I tune in and I take a bit of space, take maybe a few minutes, maybe more, and I realize that it doesn't actually need a full blown repair.
[00:22:10]:
I don't need to sit down with Joel and say, hey, look. Before when you said this, it made me feel this way, and we really need to talk about it, and it's some whole big thing. Sometimes you can just let it go, and I think that, you know, part of the process of emotionally maturing is having the discernment to know what needs to be talked about, and what needs to be unpacked, and what you can just let go. And I think that, you know, sometimes when we're in the learning phase of this, we take it all very seriously and think that, like, every single little moment of rapture needs to have a full sit down conversation, where we audit what went wrong and come up with a plan to make sure it never happens again. I think that that can get really tiring. And if you've got a more avoidant leaning partner, that's probably going to be challenging for them. I know that historically that has been challenging for Joel. When we've been in phases of more ruptures and needing to have more of those repair conversations, like, several times a week, the resistance in him, I know, definitely mounts.
[00:23:11]:
It feels like he's being, you know, called into the principal's office every time I wanna talk to him. So I think that, like, part of having a secure functioning relationship is being able to let some things go, but I think ultimately you need to figure out for yourself. Can I let this go, or will letting it go mean me stewing on it and being resentful and being privately hurt and still holding onto it, but just not talking about it? So you need to figure out, like, if I'm gonna let it go, I need to let it go rather than just not talking about it and burying it. So figure out, is this okay? Like, can I just write this off as something that I had a big reaction to, but maybe that's because I didn't get a good night's sleep, or I'm being sensitive about something from my past that actually has nothing to do with my partner, or whatever else? Right? You decide for yourself if it needs to be talked about. If it does need to be talked about, I think that you will be in a much better place to do that having gone through this process. I mean, if you compare the way that you would have likely led that conversation if you had started the moment you got triggered, if you just reacted in that moment. Comparing that with the the kind of conversation you're likely to have on the other side of this process, it's like chalk and cheese. There's no comparison there because you're going to have so much more available to you by way of your own inner resources to lead that conversation in a way that is, you know, empathetic and relationally oriented and considering their perspective as well as your own, all of those things.
[00:24:40]:
So decide if you need to have that conversation. Consider what you need. Right? I think that we go into that conversation, we just blurt out, you hurt me, or I didn't like the way you said that, or something that just stops there. And I think that if we can lead that conversation by saying, hey, I noticed before that when x y zed thing happened, I felt a bit hurt, or I felt a bit rejected, or I felt a bit dismissed, and I recognize that that, you know, probably wasn't your intention. You were probably just and you can guess at what a more generous intention might have been. You were probably just distracted, or you were probably just a bit tired or whatever. Right? Something that is not, you are a villain and you're out to get me. But it had this effect on me, and I'd really appreciate it if going forward, you could do something else, right, and make a request of of how things could be different next time.
[00:25:37]:
So I think that if you can do that, you're going to be so much better placed to navigate these moments of trigger in a way that actually leads you closer, because as challenging as triggers can be, they're actually a really beautiful opportunity for insight and growth, because they point us to where there is still residue within us, where there's still unhealed stuff, where there are still sensitivities that maybe need some attention, that need some time. And when we have more capacity and we have the tools to deal with them in this emotionally mature, self caring way, we can actually create a repair opportunity there. Because if I get triggered by something and I feel dismissed and invalidated, and I'm able to identify that in a more nuanced, thoughtful way, and then I'm able to communicate that to my partner, and I'm able to not only share that that's how I felt, but request in a balanced, reasonable way that he do something differently next time, or could he be more considerate of that? And I'm able to deliver that in a way that he can actually hear it, and that he's likely to be able to take that and action it or implement it, then I've actually given myself a really beautiful gift there, because it's less likely that I am going to feel invalidated and dismissed next time. I've given my system a new experience whereby when I'm feeling invalidated and dismissed, that can be actually heard by someone, and we can create a new way going forward. So as much as no one likes getting triggered, but when you develop these tools, you can actually turn those moments of trigger into an opportunity both to deepen your relationship with yourself, to heal parts of you that may be still holding on to old pain or wounding, and also to deepen your relationship with someone else, because part of being in a relationship relationships are incredibly powerful at bringing up our triggers. They will do that. That is not in and of itself a problem. In fact, it's something that you should expect of your relationships.
[00:27:40]:
But really, the difference in a healing relationship is that you're able to take those, and really handle them with care and find a way forward. That you can create a new experience rather than reinforcing the old way which tells you that people don't care about me, or people are going to hurt me, or people always breach trust or whatever it might be. We want to recognize the old story, see when it arises, but then carry it into a new story and that's really where the healing lies. So I hope that this has been a helpful deep dive into working through triggers. As I said, don't forget to download that PDF if you would like it. It's just little one pager, so you can keep it on your phone, keep it handy, or maybe you want to print it out and stick it on your mirror or something, whatever works for you. But it's just a little go to guide that will step you through that process, so that when you are triggered, you have something to reference. And I think, again, even the the act of referring to something, even the act of of having that, allows you to steer yourself towards a new experience rather than just, you know, letting the horse bolt and carry you off into the old way, which might be really reactive and lashing out or out, or snapping back, or sulking or pouting, or whatever your go to is when you're triggered.
[00:28:54]:
Just having the intention to do things differently is a step in the right direction. So hopefully this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews, leave feedback. Also a reminder that all of these episodes are being uploaded to YouTube, so if you are someone who likes watching on YouTube, it would be super helpful for me if you could head on over there and like and subscribe as I'm trying to grow the channel there and grow the podcast on YouTube. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:29:37]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, On Attachment podcast, attachment styles, emotional triggers, emotional triggers in relationships, managing triggers, body-based approach, structured process for triggers, self-trust in relationships, relationship safety, rational brain offline, emotional responses, defensive reactions, regrettable reactions, PDF cheat sheet, Byron Bay retreats, Sydney workshops, personal development, self-worth, attachment healing, discerning issues, processing emotions, empathic communication, balanced requests, old stories of distrust, emotional maturity, self-care tools, physiological responses, nervous system regulation, deep breathing techniques