#171: How to Transform Your Life
For our first episode of 2025, we're exploring the journey of creating a life that feels deeply authentic and aligned with who you truly are. Moving beyond societal expectations and the hamster wheel of constant striving, this episode challenges you to embrace courage, honesty, and personal responsibility to make meaningful changes in your life.
Key topics covered:
Why honesty with yourself is essential for transformatio
The power of action—and why inaction is a decision too
How to reconnect with your deepest desires and yearnings
Building capacity for discomfort as a tool for growth
Practicing courage and embracing fear as part of the process
If you’re ready to step into agency, responsibility, and bravery in 2025, this episode is for you.
For those wanting deeper support, I invite you to join me in Homecoming, a six-month mastermind for creating a life filled with joy, freedom, and abundance.
How to Transform Your Life: Practical Steps to a Fulfilling Journey
January heralds a fresh start and invites reflections on how to transform one's life. It's an opportunity to step into courage and authenticity, paving the way for a life that feels more aligned and true. It's not about chasing societal expectations or ticking off milestones but rather reconnecting with one's deeper desires and yearnings. Here are some practical steps to help you embark on this transformative journey.
Embrace Radical Honesty
The bedrock of life transformation is radical honesty, being truthful with yourself about what's working and what isn't. Take a moment to audit your life. Are there aspects that feel unfulfilling or even soul-destroying? Are you maintaining a status quo because it's comfortable, even though it no longer serves you? Identifying these areas can be daunting, but it offers clarity on what needs to change. Honesty shines a light on the path and gives a clear vision of what’s holding you back.
Understand That Inaction is a Choice
One common trap many people fall into is the belief that inaction carries less responsibility than action. In reality, choosing to do nothing about a situation is still a choice. If you find yourself paralysed by indecision, remind yourself that inaction perpetuates more of the same. Recognising this can mobilise you into taking responsibility and making proactive changes. You are the author of your life; every non-decision is a decision for the status quo.
Get Intimate with Your Desires
Many people shy away from articulating their desires for fear of vulnerability or potential failure. However, understanding and expressing your true yearnings can be incredibly empowering. Spend time reflecting on what you genuinely want from life. How do you want to feel in your relationships, in your work, in your daily life? Creating a vivid picture of your desired feelings and experiences is a powerful step toward manifesting them. Allow yourself to dream big and give voice to those dreams, even if it’s just to yourself.
Build Your Capacity for Discomfort
To transform your life, you must build your capacity for discomfort. Capability is the antidote to anxiety. The more you face and overcome challenges, the less anxious you become, as you trust in your ability to handle life's ups and downs. Stop expending energy trying to avoid discomfort. Instead, seek out opportunities to push your boundaries. Each time you step out of your comfort zone, you expand it. Embrace the process of doing hard things and let it build your resilience and self-efficacy.
Practise Courage Regularly
Courage is not the absence of fear but taking action despite it. Practising courage is essential for transformation. Every courageous act, no matter how small, builds your 'courage muscle'. Whether it’s making a difficult decision, expressing a long-held desire, or taking a leap into the unknown, each act of bravery strengthens your confidence and resolve. Remember, courage is a skill that grows with practice. Embrace the moments where fear and bravery intersect; these are the seeds of significant change.
Accept Responsibility and Agency
An empowering truth is that you have the agency to affect change in your life. Even when external circumstances seem overwhelming, focusing on what you can control is transformative. Accepting this responsibility can be intimidating, but it also liberates you from the victim mindset. You have the power to make choices aligned with your values and desires. Trust in yourself to navigate challenges and seize opportunities for growth.
Create a Supportive Environment
Surrounding yourself with supportive people and environments is crucial for sustained transformation. Seek out communities, mentors, or friends who encourage your growth and hold you accountable. Positive influences can provide invaluable perspectives and motivation during challenging times. Whether through formal programmes, like masterminds, or informal networks, building a supportive environment can make the journey more enjoyable and less isolating.
Set and Follow Through on Standards
Transformation is not an overnight event; it’s a process marked by consistent choices and actions. Set clear standards for yourself and follow through on them. This might include daily habits, boundaries in relationships, or career goals. Each small step compounds over time, leading to significant changes. Hold yourself to these standards with compassion; occasional setbacks are part of the journey, but staying committed to your path is what ultimately brings transformation.
Embrace the Journey, Not Just the Destination
Finally, remember that transformation is an ongoing journey, not a final destination. Celebrate your progress and learn from your setbacks. Each stage of the journey offers valuable lessons and growth opportunities. Embrace the twists and turns with curiosity and grace, knowing that every experience shapes you into a more authentic and fulfilled version of yourself.
The start of a new year is a time brimming with potential. By embracing honesty, taking responsibility, and practising courage, you can set the stage for profound transformation. Build your capacity for discomfort, get clear about your desires, and create a supportive environment. Each step taken with intention brings you closer to a life that feels deep, fulfilling, and authentically yours.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt disconnected from your true desires and followed a path that others set for you. How has this shaped your sense of fulfilment?
Can you identify areas in your life where you’ve been pretending to be satisfied but deep down know you’re not? What emotions arise when you admit this to yourself?
Think about a significant life change or decision you made in the past couple of years. What motivated you to take that step and how did it impact your sense of agency and satisfaction?
How do you currently handle feelings of fear and discomfort when faced with a major decision or challenge? Can you think of a recent instance where you acted courageously despite feeling afraid?
In what ways do you feel you might be lying to yourself about your needs, desires, or current life situation? What steps can you take to confront these truths compassionately?
Describe a scenario where inaction has led to maintaining the status quo in your life. How does recognising inaction as a decision itself change your perspective on that situation?
How often do you allow yourself to dream about what you truly want from life? How can you incorporate more space and time for envisioning and clarifying your desires?
Consider a person or situation from which you’ve been seeking approval instead of trusting your own gut feelings. How do you think this reliance has impacted your personal growth?
Identify a small, manageable challenge you can undertake to practise building your capacity for discomfort. How do you believe overcoming this challenge will influence your overall resilience?
Think about a recent moment when you felt genuinely courageous. What specific actions did you take and how did it feel to stand in your courage? How can you build on this experience moving forward?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment and Happy New Year. I had had every intention of recording podcasts between my last episode and this one. If you listened to the last one, you would have heard me say that I would have another one around Christmas and it just didn't happen. So we had an unintended podcast hiatus for the past few weeks and so I hope that since I last spoke to you here, you've had a joy filled and restful holiday season. Today's episode is how to transform your life, which sounds like a big topic to tackle in a 20 minutes or so podcast.
[00:01:06]:
And it is. But I always like to, at this time of year, record a podcast that is hopefully inspiring and that calls people forward into courage, into bravery, into their desires and their yearnings for what they life might be. And of course I don't do this from a place of wanting to fuel the machine, of making people feel inadequate or feel like their life is not enough, or that they need to be constantly improving and striving and doing more, but rather an invitation for those who are feeling the pull to maybe expand into something that feels more deeply aligned, a life that feels more in integrity, a life that actually feels good. I think so many of us spend so much of our lives chasing goals or yardsticks or milestones that were maybe never really our true desires to begin with. We just got set upon a trajectory that society determined for us, or maybe our family determined for us, the people around us. And without even really thinking about it, we assume that when we get to XYZ Milestone, then we will be happy, then we will be fulfilled and we find ourselves on a hamster wheel of striving that actually leaves us feeling pretty hollow and empty and disconnected from ourselves. Maybe that's something that resonates with you. It certainly used to be true for me and is true for many of the people that I work with.
[00:02:40]:
For those who don't know much about my personal story, I used to be a corporate lawyer and mergers and acquisitions lawyer, so a far cry from what I do now. And there were parts of that job that I really enjoyed. Don't get me wrong, there was some exhilaration to it at times. It was quite fast paced and unpredictable. I look back on it now and see it mostly as a bit of an addiction to chaos and drama. That whole zero appeal to me nowadays. But at the time I did enjoy it. But I also had this deep knowing that I couldn't let that be my whole life and that if I continued down that path, because in many ways it was the easy thing to do.
[00:03:21]:
I knew what the path in front of me was. Even though it was taxing work, it was also relatively straightforward in terms of, you know, show up, do my job. It was low risk, maybe is a good way of putting it. I had this deep knowing that if I settled for that life, I'd be doing myself a great disservice and I'd be betraying my. My soul's yearning. Maybe that sounds a little esoteric for some, but I suspect at least some of you will know what I mean when I say that. So I'm going to share with you a few tips in today's episode about how you can set yourself on a path that feels more true, that feels more integral and aligned, where you can really come into a sense of authenticity around your life. Who you're being, what you're spending your time doing, who you're spending it with, really allowing the choices that you make and the actions that you take.
[00:04:17]:
That was an unintentional rhyme to feel true to you rather than feeling like you are performing or you're living someone else's life or a life that someone else has decided for you. Because I think sooner or later that catches up with us and there's a really deep grief that comes from living a life that isn't ours. And maybe the opportunity cost of the things that we didn't do because we were scared or because we were uncertain or because we didn't trust ourselves to be able to handle all of the trials and tribulations along the way. So that's what I'm going to be sharing about today. Before I dive into that, I wanted to share a little bit more with you about Homecoming, which is my six month advanced level mastermind. It's a hybrid small group and one to one programme. So our coaching calls are in a small group, but you also have private voice message access to me, so it's sort of like having me in your back pocket for voice message support when you need it. The energy that I'm bringing to Homecoming this time round, this is the third time I'm running, it is I want to invite people into that group who are ready to create a really Almost like a pinch me kind of life.
[00:05:34]:
It's not a programme for people who are wanting to simply feel less anxious, for example, or less insecure. It's actually a programme for people who want more. More joy, more vitality, more ease, more pleasure, more abundance, more freedom. And that's really what I'm feeling so passionate about helping people with at the moment. And not to detract from the folks who are wanting support with feeling less anxious or working on their anxious attachment. That is certainly important work and it's work that I'm really grateful to be able to support people with through my courses. But Homecoming is not that. Homecoming is really the next level.
[00:06:18]:
It's not about going from stressed out and strung out and barely getting by to a bit better. It's going from like, everything looks really good on the outside, but maybe it doesn't feel good. Maybe the success you've achieved feels hollow and you're ready to create a life where you feel truly free and alive. That's what I'm looking for for this next round of Homecoming. So if that resonates with you, I would love to have you in the group. I'll put the link in the show notes. But you're also most welcome to send an email to me or reach out to me on Instagram and we can have a bit of a chat about whether it's a good fit for you. But yeah, I'd really love for you to join.
[00:06:56]:
If those words really reverberate through your being and you're feeling like now is the time for you to make some big moves, to do scary things, maybe to rip the band aid off in one or more areas of your life and you're looking for some support and community in that journey. I'd really love to have you there. Okay, so let's talk about how to transform your life. Now, transforming your life is not an overnight thing, right? And I think that we would all love it to be. Like we could just do something hard once and then everything unfurls girls, in a really elegant way and the hard stuff's over. And then we get to enjoy the spoils of, you know, being brave or making a hard decision or whatever. And of course that's not reality. Of course.
[00:07:42]:
Transforming your life is a process. Making changes, all of that is a process. And it is, you know, the cumulative impact of choices and actions. Things we say yes to, things we say no to, the standards that we set for ourselves and our follow through on those standards. And so it's not an overnight thing, but it's also something that I've been reminded of this quite a bit recently. That change can happen pretty quickly. When I look back on my own life in the past, even three or four years, my life looks radically different to what it did not that long ago in the scheme of things, in terms of my work situation, the scale of my business, my financial situation, my relationship. I've had a baby.
[00:08:27]:
I was in a different relationship four years ago that was really dysfunctional, bordering on toxic. And I was just starting out in a new business, finding my way. And here we are four years later, and I really do feel grateful every day for what life looks like for me now. I also recently caught up with a former client of mine and she was a one on one client of mine two and a half years ago, and she was in a pretty dark place. Life felt really hard and she had a lot of anxiety. She was in a situationship that was driving her crazy and trying to get this person to choose her and show up and really begging for scraps. And bare minimum, she was working a job that she was very successful at but wasn't particularly fulfilling. And I caught up with her recently and she's now with a new partner, pregnant, has started her own business, and is living this beautiful life of ease and freedom and joy and abundance.
[00:09:30]:
And it was, yeah, it was a really beautiful reminder for me that it really is possible. And just to be clear, I'm not sharing her story to take credit at all for those changes, but rather just to demonstrate that things can change relatively quickly in the scheme of things. So if you're not feeling happy about where your life is at the moment, know that it could look radically different in 12 months or two years from now. But it does require you to step into responsibility and agency and trust that you actually have power to affect change in your life. Okay, so let me get into the advice, the advice that I'm giving you on how to transform your life. The first piece of advice is stop lying to yourself. This is big and it's really broad reaching in terms of how it impacts us. I think when we're being dishonest with ourselves.
[00:10:21]:
And this can be about what's working in our life, what isn't, maybe how satisfied we are or unsatisfied, the things that are blocking us, the ways in which we are contributing to our own suffering or misery or our own ill health or lack of vitality. There's lots of ways that we lie to ourselves, and we all do this to varying degrees. But the More honest you are with yourself, the more ruthlessly you can audit your life and what is working and what isn't working, the more that you get clear about the things you've been avoiding, where you've been making excuses, that reveals the path, right? Because that shines a light on all of the things that you have agency over and you know, all of the things that might be contributing to the way you're feeling about life. Life. And being able to see that all clearly and honestly is sort of like flicking the light switch on in a dark room that shows you where your work is. And it makes sense if that feels kind of daunting to be that brutally honest with ourselves. Because I think again, a lot of us, I don't say this with judgement, it's just reality, right? We like to hold on to the story that we are powerless. Sometimes there's some part of us that feels comfort in that story.
[00:11:33]:
Because as soon as we recognise and are honest about the extent of our agency over our situation, then it feels, feels like it's almost incumbent upon us to take action. And if we feel like we're maybe not ready for that level of responsibility or we're maybe not ready to make a big decision, then the incongruence that we feel, having recognised that we actually do have power, but we're not going to make the change, that can be a really hard pill to swallow. And so oftentimes we create more congruence by telling ourselves that we actually don't have the capacity or there's some reason that's bigger than us, that is stopping us from creating the life that we want. So it makes sense if you have resistance to this, but know that it's a really key first piece in changing your life is getting really honest and looking at your life and going, what role am I playing in the creation and maintenance of a status quo that feels unfulfilling to me, that feels maybe even soul destroying to me. Because really no one is going to do that work for you. No one is going to come and save you from that. Okay? The next one is realise that inaction is as much a decision or a choice as action. Okay? A lot of people who struggle with self trust also struggle with indecisiveness and will spend weeks, months, maybe even years weighing up the pros and cons of a decision, but then feeling like they don't trust themselves enough to pick the right decision or to know what the right decision is.
[00:13:10]:
And so they stay sort of paralysed or frozen and they Put off making a decision or making changes until some future point in time when they tell themselves that they'll know better than they do now. Now, again, this makes sense, but just know that doing nothing about something that's within your control is choosing more of the same. Okay, so if there's something that's within your control, a change that you want to make but you're not sure of not making the change is choosing more of what you've already got. I think that mindset shift, again, it mobilises us into a bit more responsibility and maybe it kind of shakes us by the shoulders and wakes us up to the ways in which we are actively creating and authoring our lives, rather than feeling like we're just passively floating along and that by not making changes, we're not actually doing anything. Therefore, we're not responsible. We are responsible for our inaction as much as we are our action. So get really honest again, get honest with yourself about the ways in which you've been hiding in inaction and convincing yourself that there's somehow less responsibility attached to doing nothing than there is attached to doing something. Okay, the next one is get really intimate with your desires, your wants, your yearnings.
[00:14:34]:
This is something that I think a lot of people shy away from and it feels a little bit edgy. But your desires are actually beautiful fuel and energy. And there's so much aliveness in the things that we want for ourselves. And I think a lot of us maybe resist getting clear about our desires and certainly sharing them with others because we think that to do so maybe solidifies them. Maybe it feels vulnerable, maybe it creates the possibility of failure, because as soon as we've articulated I want to do X, y, Z thing, or I want to quit my job and travel around the world, as soon as we say it, it's like it's out there. And so I feel this pressure to follow through. And again, if we don't trust ourselves to follow through, or there's another part of us that's really scared and wants to pull us back into our comfort zone, having tossed the desire out there and letting it be known, whether that's just writing it down for ourselves, it does activates something within us and it sort of plants the seed. And it's hard to undo once you've declared a yearning or a desire for yourself.
[00:15:50]:
And as much as that can be a bit terrifying, and it can, I think it's also something that you can use to your advantage because it does create this energy. It's like lighting A match, and this little fire or flame starts to burn inside you, and I really encourage you to use that to your advantage. So spend time really getting to the heart of what you want from this life. And if you struggle with that, as many people do, maybe try focusing on how you want to feel. I actually get every client I ever work with, I get them to do this. Tell me about how you want your life to feel, right? How do you want your love life to feel? How do you want to feel in your body? How do you want to feel in your work? How do you want your home environment to feel? Really, like, get the ball rolling and just go stream of consciousness on feeling words. So maybe you want your relationship to feel safe and steady, or maybe you want passion and aliveness and adventure, desire, electricity, eroticism. There's so many feelings that we can touch into, and I really do think that it's very, very fertile ground for bringing something to life, to really know what we're trying to embody in terms of the feelings that we're desiring that underp.
[00:17:13]:
Maybe the goals or the intentions. So spend time getting to know yourself and what you really want and yearn for, and give yourself full permission to declare that, whether it's just to yourself or to someone else, but allow yourself to go there. And certainly if you feel a lot of resistance to that, get really curious. What am I afraid of? What is it about voicing my desire is that that terrifies me so much? Because that will be very revealing as well. Okay, the next thing is build your capacity for discomfort. Okay. I heard a really great quote the other day from Dr. Becky Kennedy, who's actually a child psychologist.
[00:17:54]:
She has a great Instagram account and book and everything about parenting. But the quote was, that capability is the antidote to anxiety. And I loved it and I wrote it down because it. It's really at the heart of certainly everything I teach about anxious attachment and building self worth, and has certainly been instrumental in my own life, that the more you experience your own efficacy and capability and capacity to do and overcome hard things or challenge or discomfort, the less anxious you feel because you trust yourself to be able to deal with life, and you trust yourself to be able to handle whatever that life may throw at you and whatever emotions might arise in a situation. We spend so much time and energy trying to prevent bad things from happening so that we don't have to feel uncomfortable emotions. And while that's a very natural expression of our protective parts in our nervous system, it's also very taxing And I think there are far better uses of our time and energy than trying to constantly curate our lives so that we never have to experience discomfort. So really actively seek out opportunities to challenge yourself, to experience discomfort, to push the edges of what you believe you are capable of. And bit by bit, that's how we build our comfort zone.
[00:19:20]:
That's how we expand our comfort zone. And all of a sudden, we're not shying away from things that feel big and scary, we're actually stepping towards them courageously. Because fear is no longer a deterrent for us, it's just part of the price of admission for a big, bold, courageous life. And we know that and we trust in that and we trust in ourselves to be able to deal with it. The last one is Practise Courage, and it's along a similar line to the previous one. Again, I heard a great quote. I was listening to the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, which is one of her older books, and I've read it a few times before. But I was in the car the other day and I put on the audiobook and there was this line.
[00:20:02]:
I actually think she was quoting someone else else, and I'm not sure who, but she said, you learn to courage by couraging. Which of course is saying, courage is not something we can develop the ability for. In theory, you have to be courageous and do courageous things in order to build your courage and to trust in your ability to be courageous. And of course, courage is not fearlessness, it is feeling fear and doing the thing anyway because it matters and it feels like the right thing. And that is what our integrity and our authenticity is calling us into. That's courage. So it's not like to be courageous, we have to be unafraid. And certainly so many, almost all of the things that I've done in the last five years that have been really formative in creating a life that I have today, I've been shit scared of all of them.
[00:21:00]:
Right. There are still things all the time that feel really edgy and uncomfortable for me and that really require me to practise courage and to trust that whatever happens, whatever the outcome, I can handle it. And it really is a practise. It's just something that you clock reps of and the more reps you do, the more you build that courage muscle. So whether it's little things or big things, and I think it's good to have a combination of both. Practise courage, learn to courage by couraging, and that will be very, very transformative for all aspects of your life because it is ultimately transformative of your inner relationship and that spills out everywhere in the best possible way. Okay, I'm going to leave it there. I hope that this has given you food for thought.
[00:21:49]:
I hope that it has been inspiring for those of you who are a little in need of inspiration or encourage. And I know that conversations around agency and personal responsibility can be a bit confronting. But always know that this advice is coming from not only a loving place, but a place of deeply believing in you and what is possible for your life. And I think sometimes having someone else believe in that when we're a little wobbly can be really helpful in nudging us forward and allowing us to have the self belief to make whatever the changes are that we maybe know we need to or we feel called to make. So going to leave it there. As I said at the start, if all of this is resonating deep in your being and you're feeling the pull to go all in on yourself this year, send me a message about my Homecoming mastermind. Or if you are ready to pull the trigger, you can sign up directly on my website. I would love to have you there and I'd love to walk on that path with you this year.
[00:22:55]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment podcast, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, Happy New Year, podcast hiatus, transform your life, inspirational podcast, practical tools, insecurity, thriving relationships, corporate lawyer, mergers and acquisitions, addiction to chaos, soul's yearning, authenticity, performing, high standards, Homecoming mastermind, small group programme, voice message support, pinch me life, freedom, abundance, self trust, self belief, desires, capability, discomfort, courage, resilience, agency, personal responsibility