#67 Why Healthy Relationships Can Feel Boring
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of why healthy relationships can feel boring - especially if you're someone who's accustomed to drama and chaos in your love life.
In today's episode, I'm answering the question of why healthy relationships can feel boring - especially if you're someone who's accustomed to drama and chaos in your love life.
WHAT WE COVER:
why unhealthy relationships are so addictive
the principle of intermittent reinforcement
how to navigate discomfort around stable relationships
how to get your needs for novelty & excitement met in a healthy way without sabotaging your relationship
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:41.76
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am going to be answering the question of why healthy relationships can sometimes feel boring, particularly if you've not had many healthy relationships.
0:00:41.79 → 0:01:20.04
And so you're coming into maybe your first ever healthy, stable, secure relationship after a string of really dysfunctional, turbulent, unhealthy relationships. This is something that a lot of people experience. There can be this almost unsettling discomfort of being in a relationship where there's no drama and chaos. And we can either feel that as a form of low level anxiety or maybe a loss of attraction or kind of disinterest in our partner because they're so stable and reliable and available to us and we're used to chasing someone who isn't. So there's lots to unpack there, and I'm going to be talking about that today.
0:01:20.65 → 0:02:07.34
Why unhealthy relationships can be so addictive. Even though it's ostensibly the opposite of what we say we want, there's something within us that chases that drama and that inconsistency, and that unpredictability. And what you can do if you do find yourself kind of uncomfortable with a healthy, stable relationship, rather than just pulling away or sabotaging it because it feels unfamiliar to you, I'm going to be offering some tips for you to hopefully get through those growing pains so that you can continue with and maybe not let go of the healthy relationship that you've worked so hard to find. That's what I'm going to be talking about today before I dive into that. Just sharing the featured review for this episode, which is I'm so thankful my friend sent me this podcast.
0:02:07.40 → 0:02:19.35
It's so nice to be more aware of why you feel and react to certain people and situations. Thank you so much for sharing all of this information. I'm forever grateful. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:02:19.42 → 0:03:12.57
If that was your review, you can send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around why healthy relationships might feel boring. And I think that the best starting point for explaining this is to flip it around and go, why are unhealthy relationships sometimes so addictive? This is something that a lot of people will relate to. And certainly for a period of time, I found myself very much in that hamster wheel of chasing someone who was very inconsistent, very unreliable, very unavailable, and yet there was something extremely addictive about continuing to try and seek and chase.
0:03:13.39 → 0:04:08.36
And I think that a really important concept to understand in this is the concept of intermittent reinforcement. I've probably spoken about this once or twice on the show before, but for anyone who's not familiar with the term intermittent reinforcement, this comes from behavioural science, behavioural psychology, and it's basically a premise behind gambling machines, all sorts. Of addictive patterns, which is if you do not know when you are going to get rewarded, you will keep trying and trying and trying to do the thing that might elicit the reward because you never know when you're going to get it. Whereas if you know that every fifth time you do the thing, that's when you'll get your reward and that's very stable and predictable or even every one time you do it, then eventually you kind of get bored of trying. Whereas when you don't know and there's this level of unpredictability, you keep trying and trying.
0:04:08.41 → 0:04:42.83
That's why people spend all of their money on slot machines is because the next spin could be the one that I win. It's completely unpredictable. So I'll just go one more, one more, one more. It absolutely capitalises on our dopamine system which is all about pursuit and the pursuit of more of this thing that could be rewarding. So as applied to relationships, and particularly inconsistent relationships, we can see why chasing after someone who gives us intermittent reward and intermittent reinforcement becomes so addictive.
0:04:42.96 → 0:05:36.83
And most of the time when we're in an unhealthy relationship, it is not unhealthy and bad. 100% of the time there will be times and moments where this person shows up and you are connected and you do feel good and you laugh together or you are intimate or whatever, something that feels rewarding about that dynamic. But then all of a sudden it'll be gone and they'll be angry or you'll be fighting or whatever. But there's this sense of I don't know when the reward is going to come and sometimes when I behave in this way it works and other times it doesn't. And so I'll just keep trying and trying and trying and trying and because that is so dopamine fueled and it's so addictive that intermittent reinforcement, we can get really trained to seek that and expect that and associate that with relationships.
0:05:36.88 → 0:06:29.59
And that is a real hamster wheel, it's a real roller coaster that keeps us at this elevated level of stress and striving in our relationships. If we then take that away and we enter into a relationship with someone who is stable and predictable and reliable and we don't have to work really hard and we don't have to guess and we don't have to play all of those games. Our system can kind of be in a bit of disarray because we are used to operating up here. And all of a sudden, all of that energy that we're used to expending in our relationships doesn't really have anywhere to go. And there's a part of us that's uncomfortable without all of that chaos and drama because we kind of trained our body and our nervous system to expect it and to be primed for it and to actually get something out of it.
0:06:29.63 → 0:06:40.25
Because when we do get the reward, even when it's very intermittently, it feels so good. In fact, it feels even better for the fact that it's so unpredictable.
0:06:43.09 → 0:07:48.30
Again, to use the slot machine analogy, if you do win, even if it's $5 and you're down $200, it is so exciting and exhilarating and lights you up to have won $5 and you lose sight of the fact that you have lost $200, right? It's the same principle. If the person who you're in this really unhealthy relationship dynamic with is dismissive of you 95% of the time, but then brings you flowers, one day those flowers are going to feel like the most incredible thing in the world because they're so out of the ordinary, and you never really know when you're going to get something like that. So when that is the backdrop, going into a relationship with someone who's really stable is probably going to feel disconcerting, at least to certain parts of you that are used to working really, really hard to get kind of basic needs met to get basic recognition, basic connection. So I think having conscious awareness of this is a really, really important first step, as is always the case, right?
0:07:48.40 → 0:08:22.46
No matter what our pattern is, if we are not consciously aware of it, we are just going to be blindly acting from a wounded place, from a kind of subconscious protective place. And then we're going to wonder why we keep repeating patterns and we're not where we say we want to be. That's because we're not acting from a conscious place. So the place we consciously want to be, like that part of us just isn't in the driver's seat of our experience. So when we can get curious and go, I notice that maybe I'm not even attracted to healthy people in the first place.
0:08:22.91 → 0:08:56.12
And I think that's the case for a lot of people. You might have heard me say before, I always correct people's question when they ask me, like, why do I attract unhealthy people? And I think we really have to ask ourselves, why am I attracted to unhealthy people? And that is a much more honest and self responsible question and one that we actually have power over. Why am I attracted to what part of me seeks out people who fit a certain mould, who are inconsistent or unreliable or unavailable to me in some way?
0:08:56.65 → 0:09:33.80
What do I get out of participating in those dynamics? Because if we don't know the answer to that, that subconscious part of us that does get something out of it is going to keep running the show. So getting really curious going, what do I get out of this? What part of me prefers the chaos and the drama and feeling like I need to work really, really hard to get my connection needs met and feeling a sense of victory or worthiness when that unavailable person shows up for me. And spoiler alert, oftentimes this has origins in our family system or in earlier relationships.
0:09:33.83 → 0:10:29.60
It's very rare that it is born of the situation that you're kind of reenacting it in, but bringing conscious awareness to that and going, okay, what part of me needs my attention there? Rather than just going, oh, this healthy person, I'm not attracted to them, therefore they must not be a good fit and I'll break up with them and then I'll go into a pat and repeat with that other person. Right? So I think we do really need to become aware of that and decide which part of me do I want driving the bus here in my relationships, my wounded parts, or my wise adult self who knows what I truly want and knows what I deserve and what's best for me. So if you do find yourself in this situation where you're in a healthy relationship and it feels boring or it feels disconcerting or unsettling in some way, I think there are a few things to remind yourself of.
0:10:29.70 → 0:11:16.94
One is that stability and predictability and reliability is not always terribly exciting. And I think that we don't have to resign ourselves to the fact that our relationship is going to feel boring forever and ever and we just have to accept that. But I do think we have to manage our expectations around the fact that comfort and stability and cosiness and safety are not always the most exhilarating and exciting of experiences. And recognising the benefits to that to that stability and that safety and really allowing ourselves to be nourished by it again, particularly if that has not been your experience in the past. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it is probably the medicine that you don't realise you desperately need to just be able to rest in that safety and security.
0:11:17.01 → 0:12:11.28
That's probably going to be a really healing experience for you. With that being said, I think we can also acknowledge if we are someone who values excitement or adventure or any of those other kinds of qualities in a relationship, those are things that we can deliberately cultivate. We don't just have to feel like we've given up because a relationship is healthy and cosy and comfortable and that necessarily has to come at the cost of excitement. But I think that distinguishing excitement and adventure and novelty from drama and intensity and chaos is an important distinction to make. So if you do value those things, figuring out for yourself what a healthy expression of that kind of energy looks like, rather than just defaulting back into the chaos and the drama that you know so well, but that is also really costly to your system and is not a nice pattern to keep spinning around in.
0:12:11.46 → 0:12:59.27
So what could be examples of things that would inject and infuse some excitement and maybe even passion into my relationships, but not with this undertone of turbulence or anything that feels like it's injecting insecurity into my system. Because that's an easy place to gravitate back towards when it is our familiar. But it's likely to be an unhealthy pattern, repeat rather than what we truly need in order to heal those wounded parts of us. So I hope that that has been helpful in answering the question of why healthy relationships can feel a little bit uncomfortable or boring, particularly if that's new to you to have a healthy relationship. But as I said, stick it out.
0:12:59.34 → 0:13:33.43
Definitely don't run at the first sign of discomfort. All relationships are going to have growing pains, and ending a relationship because it feels too safe and secure is probably not a great idea. So stick it out. See how you go. And if you do really miss that sense of excitement and rush and exhilaration, try and find healthier and more adaptive ways to consciously cultivate those dynamics within your healthy relationship, rather than going and seeking chaos and drama elsewhere to get that sugar hit.
0:13:33.52 → 0:13:48.92
So I hope that that's been helpful. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, I'd love for you to subscribe, leave a review, leave a rating. It all helps so much in continuing to spread the word about the podcast. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you for our episode next week. Thanks, guys.
0:13:50.17 → 0:14:12.30
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg.com or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thank again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
#66 How to Leave a Relationship (When You Know You Need To)
In this episode, we're talking about how to leave a relationship from the perspective of knowing that you need to. Break-ups are hard - no matter the circumstances - and most of the advice tends to be directed toward people who've been broken up with, rather than those doing the breaking up.
In this episode, we're talking about how to leave a relationship from the perspective of knowing that you need to. Break-ups are hard - no matter the circumstances - and most of the advice tends to be directed toward people who've been broken up with, rather than those doing the breaking up.
WHAT WE COVER:
why waiting for the "right time" is an illusion
how to support yourself as you prepare for a break-up
grappling with guilt around hurting someone
how to cultivate healthy boundaries throughout the break-up
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:24.96
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here.
0:00:28.97 → 0:00:52.20
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is how to leave a relationship when you know you need to. So this was a question that I got from someone in my community. And as much as it's a big conversation, it's a messy conversation, and it's a conversation that's going to have a huge number of variables that are obviously very personal.
0:00:52.33 → 0:01:33.81
I think it's also a really important conversation, and it's one that I know when I was in this situation a few years ago, I really could have used some guidance on this because I know I felt very alone and very confused and very overwhelmed by knowing that I needed to do this thing, but not knowing how I was actually going to do it. And that can be really paralysing. And I think we can get really stuck there and really just the whole thing gets very drawn out and can be longer and more painful than it needs to be. Because maybe we don't trust ourselves. Maybe we don't trust in our own resilience, in our capacity to navigate difficult things.
0:01:33.98 → 0:02:25.59
Or we just feel so overwhelmed by the task ahead and the road ahead that we shrink and we freeze and we don't actually do the thing we know we need to do. So I'm hoping that in today's conversation, while there will be a lot of caveats and a lot of reminders that this is not universal advice and it's not going to be a one size fits all thing, and it's certainly not a prescriptive blueprint for the steps you need to take in every situation. I'm hoping that what we'll discuss will give you some guidance and some reassurance and some support if this is a situation that you're in or someone in your life is in, and you're in need of a little bit of help along the way, so that's what we're going to be talking about. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. Just a reminder that I'm now accepting applications for my Homecoming Mastermind programme.
0:02:25.79 → 0:02:58.13
This is a six month, small group coaching programme. With me, it's the most intimate and high level way to work with me. It involves weekly 90 minutes calls. With me, we cover the whole gamut of everything you could imagine and it really is a beautiful space. It's a way to not only connect with me and work with me directly, but to make beautiful friendships and really experience that community that I think so many of us crave and long for, but maybe don't know where to find.
0:02:58.33 → 0:03:43.56
It is really powerful for that, because you're guaranteed to be in this space of like minded people on a similar path. So I really encourage you, if that's something that appeals, to cheque out the details on my website and submit an application if you feel that it might be for you. The next cohort begins in July, but I am accepting applications now and we do have an extended payment plan and early bird offer for those who apply before the end of the month. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I thought that I understood attachment theory from reading a few books and listening to a few podcasts, but Stephanie takes this way, way deeper. The insights and guidance here turns the theory into a heartfelt path for growth and healing.
0:03:43.67 → 0:04:07.89
In just a few episodes, I'm already seeing a bunch of blind spots I hadn't acknowledged in myself and just as importantly, the path to heal them. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really, really appreciate it. I think that what you describe is really owing to the fact that the vast majority of the things I'm speaking about are not things that I've picked up in a book. They are lived experiences.
0:04:07.94 → 0:04:52.76
And I think that, as in all cases, there is a level of depth and resonance that we get from hearing something from someone who's experienced it and feeling that sense of deep knowing of what the thing feels like, rather than just what it looks like on the outside. So I'm so glad that you've had that experience and that it's helping you on your way to doing the work and growing into a more secure version of yourself. So thank you for the kind words and if you want to send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, right, let's get into this. Let's talk how to leave a relationship when you know you need to.
0:04:52.89 → 0:05:33.72
Okay, so I think it's important to acknowledge at the outset that oftentimes we do have this period when a relationship is coming to an end. It's rare that we have a light bulb moment of going, oh, I know, I need to leave, and then we blurt it out to our partner and that's the end of it. We pack our bags and off we go. Very rarely is it that quick and clean and neat and certain. I think it would be fair to say that in many cases, the majority of cases, there is a period preceding the breakup where one or both people are feeling like they know it's coming.
0:05:34.25 → 0:06:22.20
And maybe that period is characterised by a gradual kind of disentangling, disconnecting disengaging from the connection and the intimacy in a way that feels almost like a fade out or a slow burn. And I think that while that can be carried out in better ways and worse ways, I don't know that it's necessarily a problem to be solved. I think it's just something to acknowledge that oftentimes going through that process is a protective mechanism. That means that by the time we get to the breakup, we've already come to terms with it to some degree emotionally. We've started to do the emotional processing and the grieving before we've actually pulled the trigger on ending the relationship.
0:06:22.57 → 0:07:27.61
With that being said, I think that for people who are in this situation of knowing they need to leave, but maybe feeling like they don't know how to leave or they feel so overwhelmed by the how, even if you've started to do the emotional disentangling and the emotional disengaging, there can be so many layers of overwhelm and stress and anxiety and worry and doubt and guilt and all of these other things that make this a really sticky place to be. So if you are in that situation, I really just want to acknowledge that and say, I've been there and I know how hard it is for context. I was in a relationship for three and a half years that I think I pretty much knew I needed to end it and leave from the day I got into the relationship. It was really never healthy, and a part of me really knew that. But I was so attached to trying and trying to fix it and trying to change it and trying to change him that it took me that long to actually come to terms with it and ultimately make a plan and pull the trigger and leave.
0:07:27.76 → 0:08:00.02
So I've been there and I get that it's hard and it's messy. So maybe the first piece of advice is just be really kind to yourself and give yourself a lot of grace because this is not an easy situation to be in. I do also want to say at the outset, and this is an important caveat to our conversation, I am not speaking about abusive situations here. And if you are in that situation, I really encourage you to seek out support, seek out help. I'm really speaking to people who are in a broadly safe relationship, but one that they know they need to leave.
0:08:00.15 → 0:08:26.41
Okay, so let's dive into these tips for the how of leaving a relationship when you know you need to. The first piece of advice that I want to offer you is there'll probably never be a great time to do this. And maybe that's not very encouraging advice, but I think it's honest advice. Life is messy, life is complicated, life is busy. Again, I know for me that there were so many reasons to just delay on doing this thing, right.
0:08:26.45 → 0:09:19.07
It was, oh, we've got that holiday booked, or oh, there's this other social event coming up, or Ridiculous things, right? In hindsight, when it was me knowing I was going to end the relationships or what does it matter if we have a social event next month? That it's amazing what our brain will do and cling to as a reason not to do an uncomfortable thing. I think making our peace with the fact that any time is not going to be a great time or it's not necessarily going to be a better time than now. And again, that doesn't mean that you have to do it today, but not continuing to delay or reaching for kind of silly, trivial reasons as to why now isn't a good time, but later will be, because when it gets round to being later, there'll be another reason why then isn't a good time either.
0:09:19.22 → 0:09:40.43
So I think that starting to make the decision that you're going to do this imminently. Again, this is for people who've already made the decision that they want to do it. So I just want to keep reminding people of that, but decide, okay, this is what I'm doing. Not like, oh yeah, I know I need to do that at some point. It's like, no, this is what I'm doing.
0:09:40.60 → 0:09:58.12
And then we move to the next piece of advice, which is make a plan. Okay? When your system is in a state of overwhelm and feeling a lot of stress. So very quick nervous system 101. And if you've listened to other podcast episodes that done my courses on this, you'll know what I'm talking about.
0:09:58.25 → 0:10:31.34
When we're in our sympathetic nervous system and we're in that energy of fight or flight and we're anxious and we're stressed and there's a lot of mobilisation energy, it's like, okay, I need to do something. If we get to a point where that gets too much, then we can go into this overwhelmed place. So either that can take us into total shutdown into our dorsal vagal complex, or we might go into a freeze response, which is a mix of both. So it's like, I have all of this stuff to do, but I can't do anything because I'm so overwhelmed. And so we end up really stuck.
0:10:31.45 → 0:10:59.47
And I know for me, when I was in this situation, I would just bounce between those all the time. I was either really actively stressed about it or just in total overwhelm and immobilised and I didn't know where to begin. So I just did nothing for months and months and years and years. Right? So now in hindsight and I worked with my therapist at the time about this, it was like, your nervous system needs a plan.
0:10:59.62 → 0:11:16.48
Okay? So it's like, okay, where am I going to go? That was an important plan for me because my partner and I lived together. It's like there was no way my body and my nervous system was ever going to feel safe in saying, I'm leaving if I didn't know where I was going to go. So I made a plan on where I was going to go.
0:11:16.61 → 0:12:02.59
And that, again, took time and took some preparation. And depending on the circumstances you're in, depending on whether you have family or friends that you could go and stay with. Depending on your financial position, you might need to give yourself a bit of lead time to get to the point where you have a solid actionable plan or if you have your own place, obviously this would be easier or if your partner would be the one to move out, this would be easier. But make a plan that speaks to whatever situation you're in that allows your nervous system to feel a bit more supported and comforted. Because if it's just this experience of stepping out into the void of saying like, I think we need to break up and I have no idea what my life looks like on the other side of that.
0:12:02.71 → 0:12:50.45
For a lot of people, that is going to be too overwhelming and too much and it's going to throw you into that kind of frozen, immobilised response where you aren't able to act and you aren't really able to make decisions or support yourself. So for a lot of people having some sort of plan in place, even if it's a transitional plan, even if it's just what will I do for the first month or something like that? How will I support myself? That is going to be really helpful in giving you greater clarity and confidence that you will be okay, that you're not stepping off the ledge and into the unknown and into the void. That leads nicely into my next piece of advice, which is seek out the support of people who you trust, who love you and care about you.
0:12:50.52 → 0:13:41.82
So again, to use myself as an example, I am someone who is not very good at letting people in on the problem until I've solved it. So for me it was like, okay, I'll tell my friends and family that I'm thinking of leaving this relationship, but only once I've figured out all the answers and made sure that everything's fine. And that is a big part of my work, is allowing myself to be supported by people. And I suspect that if you're listening, I know that many of my listeners are very much like me in many ways and can relate to a lot of the things that I have struggled with and have experienced. So if you are someone who tends to put on a brave face and you're used to supporting others, but you're not used to really letting people see you and your vulnerability, you're not used to asking for and receiving support or help, maybe you don't want to be a burden.
0:13:41.88 → 0:14:15.43
Maybe you don't want the attention. Maybe you are worried to let them in on something like leaving your relationship. I know for me part of it was I don't want to tell my family and friends that this is where I'm at and what I'm thinking of doing because what if I change my mind? And then that's really uncomfortable for me that they know that about my situation. And then all of these things, right, that we just can get ourselves really stuck in and block ourselves from seeking and receiving the support that we really do know we need.
0:14:15.52 → 0:15:06.92
And for me, it was only in finally taking that step of opening up and being vulnerable and sharing with people where I was at and what I was thinking and what I was needing that I was able to get that support. And ultimately sharing, that was a big part of being able to make a proper plan because my ability to plan out my next move on my own was really inhibited. So in letting people in, in letting people support me, that also really helped me with making a plan that I felt safe and comfortable with. So the next piece of advice is a hard one, but prepare yourself for the fact that your partner may be really upset and that's okay. I think a lot of the time it will depend so much on the tone of the relationship and a million other factors.
0:15:06.98 → 0:15:41.54
But part of our resistance to pulling the trigger is the guilt and the fear about the other person not being okay and feeling like we are the cause of their sadness or their sense of grief and loss. And we don't know how to hold that guilt. We don't know how to hold that sense of responsibility for someone else's big emotions. And so we don't do it. We prioritise their emotions and their desires and their well being above what we know we need to do for ourselves.
0:15:41.68 → 0:16:28.39
And while that's again very understandable and something I've grappled with myself and I know a lot of other people do, the reality is that breakups suck and they're sad and it sucks to be broken up with. And that's a really, really bad reason to stay with someone both for you and for them. If it were you, you wouldn't want someone to stay with you just so you weren't upset about it. So I think we have to, of course, conduct ourselves with respect and care and kindness in dealing with our partner as we move through that process and always trying to behave with integrity. But we can't take responsibility for making sure that they are okay and that they're not upset and that they're not hurt and all of that, right?
0:16:28.43 → 0:16:57.66
We can't be their emotional support person through the breakup. So preparing yourself for the fact that they may well be really upset, they may well plead with you and beg you and whatever else, but that's not on you. You can explain to them where you're at. You can be loving and kind and you can hold the boundary. That leads me to my last piece of advice, which is boundaries, right?
0:16:57.68 → 0:17:25.75
This is a broader piece. You will really need strong boundaries in that process throughout and post breakup. And again, this is hard if you've not got great boundaries as a starting point, if that's still a growth edge for you. But please know, I mean, I get questions from people all the time, like what do I do? My ex keeps asking me to talk or My ex isn't accepting the breakup or any number of other things.
0:17:25.87 → 0:18:17.00
And the answer is always boundaries, right? You're not beholden to someone just because they want something from you or they're upset with you or angry at you or demanding this of you. I know it's really uncomfortable, particularly if it's someone that we care about, but that can't be the deciding factor in what you do with your life. And so having really clear strong boundaries, whether that's saying to someone, I would really appreciate if you'd stop messaging me, or I don't want us to talk for the next X period of time while we're figuring this out. Or to the extent that you do need to talk about logistical things, really keeping it to that, but putting a clear line in place around going into the trenches of dredging everything up emotionally, whatever it is.
0:18:17.05 → 0:18:57.78
But you need to get clear around what boundaries need to be in place in order for this to be sustainable for you, in order for you to feel clear and confident in the decision that you've made and really support yourself through that. Because that is your number one job through the breakup and beyond, is to support yourself first. Your job is not to be the emotional support person to your partner or your ex partner at some future point in time. And again, that might be a real paradigm shift for you if you are used to being the caretaker of someone else and their emotions and their feelings and making sure everyone else is okay. But this period is not about them, it's about you.
0:18:57.83 → 0:19:28.75
And they need to part of that healing process and that breathing process and that disentangling is that you need to resource yourselves separately and you need to seek support from other people and they need to seek support from other people rather than continuing to play that role for each other because that's just confusing and tends to extend all of the grief and the pain. So I hope that that's been helpful. A final word. This is challenging. As I've said multiple times in this episode, it's a hard situation to be in.
0:19:28.79 → 0:20:00.14
But I think the overarching piece of advice is just trust yourself. Trust in your decision if that's the decision you've made, trust that there's a part of you that knows what you need and what you need to do and trust that you'll be okay. Trust in your own resilience. Trust that you are so strong and capable and that you have a beautiful life ahead of you. And that if this is the point you've gotten to and this is the decision you made, that you will be okay and you'll be better than okay.
0:20:00.59 → 0:20:33.38
And that the road ahead is really bright and limitless in terms of the possibilities. So as much as it can feel like you're looking down a dark tunnel and everything is uncertain and unclear, and there's a lot of fear and doubt, as much as possible, trust that you are strong and capable and you will get through this. So I hope that that's been helpful. If you're in that situation, I'm sending you so much love. If someone in your life is in this situation and you think this episode could be helpful to them, please do share it.
0:20:33.43 → 0:20:37.08
But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks, guys.
0:20:39.37 → 0:21:01.50
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.