Break-Up Q&A: No-Contact, Reconciling, and Guilt
Ever wondered about the right way to navigate a breakup or considering reconciliation? Welcome back to 'On Attachment', where we unravel the realm of relationships, heartbreaks and new beginnings.
We're talking no-contact periods, emotional upheaval, and even the possibility of rekindling things with your ex. It's a tough road to tread, but we're here to walk you through it.
This episode will help you understand the necessity of space in healing, the art of breaking up without causing undue suffering, and the benefits of diversifying your support system.
But it's not all about goodbyes. We're also diving into the unpredictable waves of reconciliation. We'll guide you on understanding the reasons for your breakup, creating an action plan for success, and managing the disapproval from your inner circle. The journey to change isn't just about willpower, it's about working on yourself in meaningful ways. So, get ready to get comfortable with the discomfort and join us in building healthier, thriving relationships. Tune in, and let's grow together.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
In today's episode, I am answering breakup questions, so I'm going to jump through a few different topics that are drawn from questions I've received from people in my Instagram community all around the topic of breakups. So it's been a while since I've done a combined Q A, but I think breakups is one of those areas where I always get a truckload of questions anytime I put the call out on Instagram. And so I thought that I'd combine several into one to be able to give you a little bit more breadth of support. If you are going through a breakup or you've been through one recently and you're looking for some advice, So we're going to be covering no contact periods.
[00:01:13]:
The idea of when and whether it's a good idea to think about reconciling with an ex, and what to do if you feel like you need to break up but you don't quite know how. So that's what we're going to be covering today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review for today, which is this resource has been a game changer for our relationship. Stephanie, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so glad to hear that it's helped you to make real changes in your relationship. That's always very heartwarming for me to hear.
[00:01:46]:
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanie.com, and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, let's dive into these breakup questions. So the first one is, tell me more about no contact periods. How long should they be? When are they needed? Do we always need a no contact period? So for anyone who isn't familiar with this term, I mean, it's fairly straightforward. It's not the most cryptic of terms, but a no contact period is essentially after a breakup, the idea being that it's a good idea to take some time apart and take some space from each other and ideally, not be in contact during that time. Hence the name no contact. Go figure. Now, why is this something that so many people will advise, myself included? I think that in a lot of cases, staying in contact and in frequent communication in the wake of a relationship ending is likely to be confusing, even if intellectually rationally, you can wrap your head around why that might be.
[00:02:50]:
Emotionally, it keeps you tethered to this person in a way that might soften the blow in the short term and allow you to feel some relief from the grief and the loss and the confusion and all of the feelings that come with a breakup. But that relief comes at a cost, right? So the fact that you get some relief by staying connected to the person that you are grieving means that eventually you're going to have to do that work. And I think that the longer we stay in touch with someone, and particularly if the contact we're having is going back and forth and saying, I miss you and I don't know what to do without you and I'm so sorry and starts to get a bit emotionally mixed in terms of the messages, I think that can really prolong our pain and the time that it takes us to actually let go and move on. So of course there are a million different versions of this situation and I recognise that structural factors will prevent a no contact period for a lot of people. For example, if you live together, if you have shared assets that need to be divided, if you have kids, if you have pets, there are many reasons why a no contact period might not be appropriate for your situation. But in the absence of those things, I think that as hard as it is, it's usually a good idea to take at least a few months, if you can, to just turn your focus away from the other person. Away from the relationship and do your own work of grieving and healing and figuring out who you are and what your life looks like without it being about you, the couple and tending to them. I think relatedly, if you are playing the role of emotional support person to each other with respect to the breakup, that is going to be equally confusing and it really prevents you from decoupling emotionally in a way that will allow you to move on.
[00:04:53]:
So as hard as it is, I think recognising that you need to be diversifying your support system away from your ex partner in most cases, so that you can again figure out what it looks like to have someone. Else in that role, whether it's a friend or a family member or a therapist, but not leaning on this person who you've decided to no longer be in relationship with for whatever reason. I think that that will just confuse your emotional system in a way that doesn't ultimately help, even though it does provide some short term relief. So I think having a period of a few months and to address the question that I often get from people, which is, okay, it's been three months, should I reach out to them now? And I think that as much as I understand that if you are counting down to the end of the no contact period so that you can reach out to them again, I think you might be missing the point ever so slightly. So it's not so much about no contact and then all of a sudden we go back into frequent contact. It's giving myself the time and space to recalibrate my system and focus on me and my life. So it's not like, oh, I'm just watching the clock until the time runs out and then I can go back to talking to them all the time and pleading with them and telling them I miss them. If that's where you're at, then it might mean that you need more time and space or you need something else, but it's not so much no contact and then go straight back into it.
[00:06:28]:
So focus more on substance and less on form as far as the no contact period is concerned and go really feeling into what do I need to land on my own 2ft and figure out what this next chapter of my life looks like. And oftentimes having some space from the person we've been in partnership with is a good idea even though it is absolutely very challenging and will hurt and everything within you will be saying that it's a terrible idea, but it's usually the medicine that we don't like the taste of but is ultimately helpful for us. The next question is, is it ever a good idea to reconcile? When is it a good idea to reconcile? A related question I got was how do I go about reconciling when friends and family don't approve? It's a big topic, right? I have done a podcast episode probably close to a year ago now on questions to ask before getting back with an ex. And again, this is an area where there is no one size fits all answer. There are so many different situations that people are in and anytime I give any advice, people go but what about this? And but what about that? Yes, all of that, right? Of course I can't speak to every single situation and the advice that I usually give on getting back together with an ex is it has to be about more than that. You miss each other and you want it to be different, okay? Because when we've had time apart and we tend to have the stresses of the relationship alleviated by the distance and so all we feel is their absence and that hurts and we go, oh, I actually really miss this person. I love that person. I miss watching movies with them.
[00:08:10]:
And I miss when we used to go get coffee and all of the little things that we suddenly feel the lack of very acutely. And we just have this overwhelming urge to reconnect. And we want to believe that all of those things that I was angry about, I don't even care about anymore because I just miss you so much. And of course, that's such a tender feeling, and I understand it, and I've been there. And I think we have to shift into a more wise part of us that can see where that urge is coming from and recognise that in the absence of having done meaningful, substantive work to shift the dial on whatever had us stuck, pure willpower might not be enough to shift it. Willpower and intent and the desire to make change is really important and it's not to minimise that. But if you're both just like, oh, I miss you so much, let's try it again, I'm ready this time. Those sentiments are beautiful and important, but they're not enough without more.
[00:09:14]:
And so if it were me and I were thinking about reconciling, I would need a really, really clear action plan on how it's going to be different, why it's going to be different, what we're going to each do. Differently and how we're going to have accountability to each other and to ourselves on the things that we are no longer going to do and the things that we are absolutely committed to doing. I think without that and without having that really clearly articulated and agreed upon, then it is all too easy to ride the initial wave of relief at being back together, but then slip into the muscle memory of old patterns that we know so well and we just do so automatically. And again, it's not because we don't love each other, it's not because we don't want it to be different, but without really clear intentionality and accountability and a plan to make it happen, it's going to be really hard because the magnetic pull of our patterns is strong. So when is it a good idea to reconcile? When you're both on the same page around what went wrong and how you're going to do it differently and you have a really clear path forward that is going to prevent you from slipping back and that you can both feel really comfortable about? I think the related question of what do we do when friends and family don't approve? It's a tough one. So I think there's something to be said for having boundaries around. If people's judgement is such that it is an unwelcome imposition on what you know is right for you, then you might need to clearly set that boundary and say, look, I appreciate that you are coming from a place of love and care and at the same time, I've given a lot of thought to this and I'm comfortable with my decision. I really would love for you to respect that and to try and be open to it.
[00:11:06]:
That might be one thing, I suppose the other thing, and in the podcast episode I referenced earlier around questions to Ask Before reconciling, one of the questions was do the people who love you and know you very well support that idea or are they staunchly against it? Because I think people who love us and care about us and know the situation, if they are unequivocally telling you, please do not do this, it is a terrible idea. I don't think that we just want to be blindly tuning that out and saying you just don't get it. Maybe they don't get it, but maybe they also do get it and they're seeing something that you're not seeing and they might be seeing reality. Whereas you are attached to hope and wanting and potential and you're driven by the emotion of missing this person and feeling very attached to them. Whereas the people who love you have your best interests at heart and maybe you're able to see things a little more clearly than you are. So I wouldn't totally drown out tune out the advice and counsel of people who really love me and care about me and know me. But equally if you are very comfortable with your decision and you do have additional context that they maybe don't, then you might just have to set the boundary around that. Final question I'm going to answer is I know that it's time to break up with my partner but I feel so guilty about hurting them and I just don't know how to pull the trigger.
[00:12:35]:
And I think that this is something a lot of us will relate to. Again, I've been in this situation as well and I think the really important reminder is we often think that we're being kind to someone by not doing that, that we're saving their hurt. But I really think we're saving our discomfort more than anything. We don't want to feel responsible for their hurt. We don't want to feel like the bad guy, we don't want to have kind of like their hurt on our hands or our shoulders. And so we just avoid and we persist in dynamics where our heart's just not in it anymore. And as much as we feel like that's the kind thing, it's actually not. Because leading someone on kind of dragging them along in a dynamic that you know has an end date and you're not really in it for the long haul.
[00:13:30]:
You're wasting their time, you're wasting your time and they're going to have to face that hurt and upset sooner or later if you really know that the relationship isn't for you. So I think that you kind of just have to rip the band aid off and of course you can do so lovingly and in a way that is honest and kind and doesn't need to exacerbate hurt. And I think that oftentimes making ourselves available to have a conversation in a direct way rather than letting it get really bad before we break up, I think that will actually liberate them far more than just letting it fester and kind of dragging them along, leading them on. I don't think that that's as kind as you might be telling yourself. I don't think that that is the selfless thing to do, even though I have no doubt that it is coming from a good place in you in wanting to avoid that really big hurt. Trust that they'll be okay. And in any event, if that's what's going to happen sooner or later, then that's what you need to do. So I think go have the conversation.
[00:14:38]:
Be honest, be loving, be kind, be respectful, but don't prolong the pain longer than you need to. Okay? So that was a breakup. Q-A-I hope that that was helpful, and do let me know if you enjoy that format where I jump between a few questions. I receive so many more questions than I ever have the opportunity to answer, and I do file them all the way. So I have a screenshot folder on my phone with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of questions. So if you do like this format of kind of a mixed bag of questions on a topic, let me know in the reviews or feedback on Spotify or send me a DM on Instagram and let me know, and I'll be sure to schedule a few more of these episodes in. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a five star rating or a review. Share it with the people in your life.
[00:15:26]:
It all helps so much, and I'm so grateful for your ongoing support, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.