#65 Can a relationship between two anxiously attached people work?

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If you have an anxious attachment style, you’ve likely experienced the struggles of dating people with more avoidant attachment styles. You might find yourself constantly battling against differing needs and expectations around closeness and emotional intimacy. In contrast, anxiously attached people often crave a lot of time together, making the relationship a significant focus of their lives.

So, why don’t anxiously attached people just date each other? Wouldn’t it be easier to be with someone who has the same needs for connection, intimacy, and togetherness? It seems logical, but in reality, we rarely see anxious-anxious pairings. In this post, we’ll explore why this is the case, the dynamics that emerge when two anxiously attached people do come together, and why avoidant-avoidant relationships are also uncommon.

Why Opposites Attract in Relationships

For many people with anxious attachment, dating someone with avoidant tendencies feels familiar. While it’s not always easy, there’s a magnetic pull towards avoidant partners. This attraction often comes from our tendency to be drawn to people who possess traits that differ from our own.

An anxiously attached person who struggles with low self-worth and independence might find an avoidant partner’s independence, assertiveness, and confidence particularly appealing. On the flip side, an avoidant partner, who tends to suppress their emotional world, may be drawn to the emotional expressiveness and affection of someone with anxious attachment. This "opposites attract" dynamic plays a big role in why anxious and avoidant individuals often find themselves in relationships with each other.

The Rare Case of Anxious-Anxious Pairings

While it seems logical for two anxiously attached people to date, it rarely happens in practice. Even if it does, the dynamic often shifts over time. Here’s why:

1. Attraction to Avoidant Traits: As mentioned, anxiously attached individuals often feel a stronger attraction to people who possess qualities they themselves feel they lack, such as independence or emotional detachment. Therefore, they are less likely to be drawn to someone with the same anxious tendencies.

2. Emotional Saturation: In relationships where both partners are anxiously attached, the dynamic tends to recalibrate after some time. When both people want constant closeness, one partner may start feeling overwhelmed. The emotional intensity of the relationship can reach a point where one person begins to pull back, taking on a more avoidant role. It’s not that they suddenly become avoidant in a long-term sense, but within the context of this particular relationship, they may need to create space to balance the overwhelming closeness.

3. The Recalibration Effect: Relationships are dynamic systems, and partners often adjust to each other’s behaviors. In an anxious-anxious pairing, one person will usually lean towards avoidance to create a balance. When both people are "full throttle" with their emotional needs and demands for closeness, the relationship can feel unsustainable. As a result, one person pulls back, and the dynamic starts to resemble the anxious-avoidant pattern, but on a lesser scale.

Avoidant-Avoidant Relationships: Why They’re Uncommon

Just as anxious-anxious pairings are rare, avoidant-avoidant relationships are also uncommon. While it might seem like two avoidantly attached people would be an ideal match because they both value independence and emotional distance, these relationships often struggle to gain traction or deepen into emotional intimacy.

1. Lack of Emotional Glue: Avoidantly attached people typically find it difficult to connect deeply with their emotions and the emotions of others. In a relationship between two avoidants, this can lead to a lack of the emotional “glue” that bonds partners together. With both individuals keeping a distance, there’s little to anchor the relationship in terms of vulnerability or emotional closeness.

2. Difficulty with Commitment: Avoidant individuals often fear the vulnerability required for deep connection, which makes it hard to build and maintain a close, committed relationship. When both partners are avoidant, they might struggle to invest enough emotionally to keep the relationship alive, leading to stagnation or detachment over time.

3. The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic Emerges: Similar to anxious-anxious pairings, avoidant-avoidant relationships may shift over time. As the relationship progresses, one partner might become more anxious in response to the ongoing emotional distance. For example, one partner might begin to feel abandoned or lonely, triggering a need for more connection. As a result, they may start acting in ways that resemble anxious attachment, while the other partner remains or becomes even more avoidant. This creates a new, albeit milder, version of the anxious-avoidant dynamic.

Is the Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Doomed?

While anxious-avoidant relationships are often seen as challenging, they aren’t inherently doomed. With the right awareness, skills, and a commitment to growth, these relationships can be healing. However, both partners need to be willing to understand their attachment styles and work towards healthy communication and emotional connection.

Anxious-anxious and avoidant-avoidant pairings, while uncommon, often shift into more familiar dynamics over time, with one partner leaning towards the opposite attachment style. This recalibration helps balance the relationship, though it can also lead to challenges if both partners don’t have the tools to navigate these shifts.

While it might seem easier for anxiously attached people to date each other or for avoidantly attached people to pair up, the reality is that we’re often drawn to partners with opposing traits. The attraction between anxious and avoidant individuals stems from our deeper needs and desires. Relationships, whether between anxious, avoidant, or mixed attachment styles, require awareness, communication, and commitment to working through the inevitable challenges that arise.

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Episode Transcript

0:00:00.41 → 0:00:40.76

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Um, hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A episode and I'm answering the question of can a relationship between two anxiously attached people work?

0:00:41.29 → 0:01:51.43

So this is a question that I get quite a lot and I'm going to answer that question and also the alternative version of that, which is kind of relationship between two avoided people work, or why don't avoidant people tend to date each other and anxious people tend to date each other. So I think this is something that many people wonder, perhaps when they are or have been in an anxious avoidant dynamic and they experience the struggle of that opposition, of feeling like they need to compromise so heavily on their needs and preferences because they are in partnership with someone who has opposing needs and preferences. And so the logical solution seems to be, why don't I just find someone with the same needs and preferences as me when it comes to all of those attachment patterns, and then everything will be resolved. We'll live happily ever after, two anxiouses, spending all of our time together, being obsessed with each other, both feet on the accelerator and the avoidance can go over there and be in their relationship where they have lots of space and peace among the lands. As you can probably tell from the way I'm talking about that, it's a little messier and more complicated.

0:01:51.56 → 0:02:33.06

And as is often the case, what makes logical sense often doesn't take into account the emotional layers that drive a lot of our behaviours when it comes to relationships. So I'm going to be speaking about that not only can these versions of relationship work, can these pairings work, but also why it is that they don't tend to happen that often, why it is that anxious and avoidant people tend to gravitate towards one another rather than sticking to their own kind. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first is a celebration.

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I forgot to mention this on the show last week or the week before when it happened, but we recently crossed over a million downloads for the show in less than a year since starting the podcast. I think it's about a week or so until the podcast turns one. So to have crossed over a million downloads in less than a year is really incredible. And I'm just so grateful to all of you. Whether you're a new listener or you've been here since the start, I am so proud of this show and what it's become and continues to evolve into.

0:03:04.55 → 0:03:35.81

And none of that would be possible without your support. So to anyone who has listened or left a review or a rating, or shared it with someone in your life, or shared it on social media, I'm so immensely grateful and thankful for you and for your ongoing support. So from the bottom of my heart, sending you so much love and gratitude. The second quick announcement is just to share. If you listened to the episode earlier in the week, you may have heard me speak about my Homecoming Mastermind programme, which is now open for applications.

0:03:35.99 → 0:04:23.36

The next round of the programme starts in July, so it's still a little bit away, but I'm offering an early bird rate for those who sign up before the end of the month. And I've already had five or six amazing applications in the last couple of days, so it's already shaving up to be a beautiful collection of women. This is a six month programme with me. We meet every week on Zoom and we have a community channel between calls. So if you are looking to work with me intimately as well as forging beautiful connections with others who are on the same path, who are doing this work, who are showing up in the mess and being beautifully brave and courageous in facing all of the parts of us that are sometimes uncomfortable to face.

0:04:24.05 → 0:05:01.95

I would love for you to apply the link to that is in the show notes. I realise that that probably is only relevant to a tiny fraction of you listening, as it is my highest level programme and it is a big commitment, so I won't speak too much more about it. But just if that feels like you and you're feeling the pull, you can find all of that via my website and I would love to receive your application. Finally, just to share today's featured review, which is I feel like I could indeed, I often do listen to these episodes on repeat. I feel like Steph is spot on with all of her explanations and I found myself nodding along, saying yes, yes to myself throughout the episodes.

0:05:02.05 → 0:05:30.28

I also appreciate that Steph doesn't have black and white opinions on matters and allows space for us listeners to fill in the blanks. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I really appreciate the kind words. If that was yours, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around can a relationship between two anxiously attached people, or two avoidant people, for that matter, work?

0:05:30.73 → 0:06:22.54

So I think it's important to say at the outset that in my view, any relationship in the abstract, in a hypothetical sense, can of course, work if we're willing to put in the work to make it so. So I would never be one to say, oh, no, that pairing will never work. I think that's just a bit blunt and unhelpful and untrue, right? There's so much individual variation and richness and messiness in between the lines of putting people into buckets and saying, oh, if you tend towards anxious attachment, you could never possibly be in a successful relationship with someone else of that same blueprint that just denies the immense complexity of all of us in our humanness. So I want to make that very clear at the outset.

0:06:22.57 → 0:06:55.95

What I'm going to talk about today is not to deny the possibility of this working in any individual case, right? But what I do want to speak to is why is it that anxiously attached people don't tend to be attracted to one another? They don't tend to end up in relationship with each other. And likewise, neither do avoidant people for the most part tend to be in relationship with each other. So I think taking almost a spiritual or metaphysical lens on this, relationships and systems tend to find balance, right?

0:06:56.15 → 0:07:40.08

We tend to find this yin and yang. There tends to be this equilibrium point where a relationship, it's that classic thing of opposites attract. And I think there is some truth in that. That two people who are very very similar in terms of all of their behaviours, their attachment wounds, their attachment drives, their origin stories tend not to be drawn to each other because our attachment behaviours develop in response to something, right? And what they develop in response to is what we almost grew around.

0:07:41.01 → 0:08:13.22

So because we're used to growing around that and we've been shaped by what we experienced, we tend to it's like a puzzle piece. We're looking for someone who fits that piece that is missing in our puzzle that we learn to grow around. That's probably an imperfect metaphor or visual, but I'm hoping that's starting to make sense. So to take it out of the abstract, if I am anxiously attached, if I am, I'll actually use myself as an example here. What did I learn?

0:08:13.40 → 0:08:28.58

I learned to be low maintenance, okay? I learned to be good. I learned not to cause a fuss. I learned to take care of other people really well. I learned to be very empathetic and attuned.

0:08:28.69 → 0:09:03.56

I learned to be a great peacekeeper or a peacemaker. I learned to be a mediator in conflict, right? These are all of the skills that I learned in my family system. And so with those being my skills, that being my puzzle piece, the puzzle piece of me, I am likely to gravitate towards someone who I can use those skills and strategies with. Someone who might have higher needs than me, someone who might need stabilising or in my perception, right?

0:09:03.61 → 0:09:43.58

Someone who I can take care of, someone who is higher maintenance or unavailable or whatever else. And I have to work hard to get their attention. I have to strive, I have to try and control the conditions of the environment in order to keep the ship afloat, all of these things, right? That is what I know, that is what I have been trained to do and that is what is familiar to me. So when we go out into the world as adults and we have these attachment wounds and the behaviours that grew from them, you can almost think of it as a seed.

0:09:43.69 → 0:10:39.32

And then all of the branches on the tree become our behaviours, our strategies that we know so well, that have become part of who and how we move around the world. We're looking for someone that fits in with that, that clicks in with that. And if we've got two anxiously attached people, then we've got two people who want to be the caretaker, two people who want to be the people pleaser, two people who are wanting to suppress their needs to take care of someone else's, two people who are hyper vigilant and on high alert and monitoring everything, right? Without much to monitor because the other person's doing the same and is suppressing their own stuff. So there just tends not to be this subconscious drive of like, oh, that's where I can make myself useful, that's where I can slot into that system and know my place in it.

0:10:39.77 → 0:11:27.83

So hopefully that's starting to give you a sense of why we tend not to gravitate towards someone with the same attachment style and pattern as us, because it doesn't tend to remind us of our initial blueprint of what love and connection looks and feels like. So with all of that being said, of course there will be circumstances where two anxiously attached people, or too avoidant leaning people, do end up in relationship with each other. But what tends to happen here and it comes back to this idea of we find our way to a balance point, right? It's unlikely that two people will stay at the same end of the spectrum when in relationship with each other because so much of this stuff is like call and response, right? It's so much of a dialogue, it's such a co created dynamic.

0:11:28.43 → 0:12:11.24

And so what tends to happen is that, say two anxiously attached people are in a relationship, one person will likely be more anxiously attached, right? One person will be more paranoid, one person will be more clingy to use that word. One person will be more invested, one person will be more stressed out by any sort of distance or uncertainty, one person will require more reassurance. And what that tends to elicit in the other person, who might, in other circumstances lean more anxious. They will typically, again, I'm speaking in very general terms here, because I'm not going to tell you this is what will exactly happen in your relationship.

0:12:11.69 → 0:12:48.09

What will typically happen is they will start to exhibit more avoidant behaviours, they'll start to push some of that away. When that anxious energy gets really extreme, they will start to pull back and they will start to withdraw. They'll start to become overwhelmed by the intensity of the other person's anxiety and so on and so forth. So it finds its way to what ends up looking something like an anxious avoidant dynamic, right? And again reminding ourselves that attachment styles aren't fixed, they really are responsive to relational dynamics and relational patterns.

0:12:48.14 → 0:13:37.54

So it's entirely possible, and indeed not unlikely that too anxious people or too avoidant people are in relationship that you will start to exhibit more of an anxious avoidant dynamic, particularly in times of distress or relational tension or whatever else you'll find your way to aversion an expression of that dynamic and that pattern, even though you might have previously, in other relationships, both been more inclined towards one end of the spectrum or the other. And the same goes. People often ask me could a secure person become anxious if they were in relationship with someone who was extremely avoidant? Or could a secure person become avoidant if they were in relationship with someone who was extremely anxious? And the answer is yes, absolutely.

0:13:39.11 → 0:14:34.61

Some behaviours extreme avoidance can create anxiety. Extreme inconsistency, extreme dishonesty or intermittent reinforcement can create anxiety in someone who is otherwise not really prone to anxious attachment. I think the only qualifier to that, and I'm going a little off topic, but just to clarify, is the difference with a secure person is they might be less inclined to get in those relationships in the first place, or to let them get to the point of that extreme where they're really suffering as a result. People who are really secure tend to be pretty good at advocating for themselves and setting boundaries and walking away from things that are unhealthy. But that doesn't change the fact that notionally, yes, you could be primarily secure and then notice yourself slipping into more insecure patterns one way or the other in response to someone's behaviour.

0:14:36.97 → 0:15:24.48

I hope that that has answered the question to recap. Basically yes, a relationship between two anxiously attached people could work under the right conditions and the right people, but it tends not to happen very much of the time that they are attracted to each other in the first place. And if they are and do end up in a relationship, they will oftentimes find their way to more of an anxious avoidant, yin yang, opposites attract dynamic, which tends to keep the relationship in balance a little more, rather than both people being at one end of the spectrum or the other over the long term. If you've enjoyed this episode and found that helpful, please do leave a five star rating or a review if you're listening on Apple podcasts. As I said, it really does help so much.

0:15:24.53 → 0:15:35.82

And thank you again for helping me reach over a million downloads. I'm so grateful for you and I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.

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If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.

#64 The Role of Criticism in Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics

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Today's episode is all about the role of criticism in anxious-avoidant dynamics. Both anxious and avoidant people have been known to deploy criticism as a strategy to manage fears and self-protect in relationships - but this will often look different (and be motivated by different drives) on each side. 

One thing's for sure: no matter how it shows up, criticism is really harmful to relationships - so if this is something you struggle with, you've come to the right place. 

WHAT WE COVER:

• how anxiously attached people use criticism as a protest behaviour 

• criticism as a way to convey our hurt

• how avoidant people use criticism to sow seeds of doubt and create distance

• how to identify the needs underlying our criticism so we can communicate in a healthier way

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind

• Download the free guide: Attachment 101

• Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment

• Visit my website

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Episode Transcript

0:00:00.41 → 0:00:48.98

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is all about criticism in anxious avoidant dynamics, so how criticism tends to come up and what different partners might use criticism for in an anxious avoidant dynamic.

0:00:49.04 → 0:02:03.02

So this has been something that's been swirling around in my head, as is the case with many of the topics that I speak about on the podcast. And it's come up for me because I think that criticism, if you read any of the literature around attachment, you'll find that criticism is something that both anxious and avoidant leaning people will deploy as a strategy at various points in time to try and get a need met. And I think that as a broader point, if you're familiar with my work and my approach, you'll know that even these ostensibly unhealthy or problem behaviours, if we were to call them that, they're all ultimately trying to meet a need, they're trying to protect us against something, they're trying to achieve an end. And so looking at criticism through this lens of what am I trying to achieve when I criticise my partner? Whether that's inwardly, whether it's just our inner voice noticing the deficiencies of our partner and feeling very judgmental, or whether it's outward criticism and it's something that we are using to try and elicit a response or change or engagement in a partner getting really curious

0:02:03.08 → 0:02:03.41

around.

0:02:03.48 → 0:02:36.41

Okay, what's driving that? What is this really about for me? So that we can create a little space, create greater awareness and ultimately create the possibility of using a healthier strategy that's more conducive to a secure relationship and is much more likely to get whatever the underlying need is met than just being critical of our partner. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.

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The first being I'm really, really excited to share that applications are now open for my Homecoming Mastermind. So I haven't spoken very much about this programme, but it is the most intimate way to work with me. It's a small group, mastermind. It runs for six months. I've been running the current Cohort since January and it has exceeded my expectations in every way.

0:03:03.50 → 0:03:39.32

It is a beautiful, beautiful group. We meet weekly and we have coaching calls. We talk about most everything you could imagine from relationships, relationship with self fears, insecurities, desires. We really cover the full spectrum. And it has been so very humbling to watch not only the breakthroughs and the transformations, but the way that the women in the group relate to one another and support one another and cheer each other on hold each other, in our tears and in our tender moments.

0:03:39.43 → 0:04:11.85

It has been incredibly healing, not only for the people that I've been guiding through the group, but for me as well. It's something that I look forward to every week. I will be starting another round of Homecoming in July and I am accepting applications for that now. It is by application only, just because it is such a small group and I want to make sure that we're a good fit on both sides. But if you are someone who is not brand new to this work, it's not really suited for someone who is just dipping a toe in.

0:04:11.97 → 0:05:15.70

If you're someone who's been doing this kind of work for a while and you probably have a lot of the self awareness and the intellectual stuff down pat, that maybe you're looking for a way to get to that. Next level of inner freedom and peace and worth and joy and liberation that can really only come with embodying and integrating all of the knowledge and all of the learnings. I would love to have you apply for Homecoming. All of the details of that are in the show notes or you can go directly to my website and if you have any questions on that one, once you've read through the registration page, feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or you can reach out to my team at support@stephanierigue.com. Okay, the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, as always, and this one is stephanie's podcast and Higher Love course have helped me immensely.

0:05:15.73 → 0:05:50.55

I started listening a couple of months before leaving my toxic, anxious avoidant relationship and used the tools from her work to get me through that hard time setting goals for the future and navigating putting myself out there again, I cannot recommend her highly enough. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you've found that empowerment through the podcast and Higher Love. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, all of that out of the way.

0:05:50.64 → 0:06:24.14

Let's talk about criticism in Anxious Avoidant relationships. So, as I said in the intro, when it comes to something like criticism, it's really easy to fall into a pattern of self defence. And as I've often said, and this is a line I got from my therapist giving credit where it's due, if you attack someone, they'll defend themselves. And similarly, if we feel attacked, we will defend ourselves, right? That is fairly predictable and reliable, straightforward.

0:06:24.33 → 0:07:22.93

And yet oftentimes we feel very justified in defending ourselves in the face of a perceived attack and we feel very frustrated when people defend themselves in the face of our attacks. Right? It is one of those double standards, but I think that we have to dig a little deeper when we notice criticism coming up in our relationships. And I should say at the outset, criticism is so damaging to relationships, it really very quickly erodes the connection. If the overall tone of your relationship is infused with negativity and criticism and nitpicking and blame and judgement, contempt even, there's no real space for genuine love, connection, care, appreciation, because that negativity tends to take up a lot of space and it tends to give rise to more negativity.

0:07:23.06 → 0:08:12.00

So it's a really very quick downward spiral from that place and it can be hard to get out of. I think a lot of the time, when we're in a bit of a rut and maybe we're both feeling critical of each other, or one person's feeling very critical and the other is withdrawing or turning away from that, it can feel really risky to stop criticising. And this probably leads me into the discussion of how anxious attachment, people with an anxious attachment style might use criticism as a strategy and what need are they trying to meet? And I say they, when really it is we, because I've definitely been guilty of this myself, as always, I am not calling any of this out from a place of judgement, but rather of self awareness. So on the anxious attachment side, what role is criticism playing?

0:08:12.11 → 0:09:04.04

I think what often happens is when we feel like we can't reach someone as an anxiously attached person, and particularly in partnership with an avoidant leaning person, you will often feel like you cannot reach them. Even if you can reach them in moments, you can't reach them all the time. And so the withdrawal of their availability to you feels threatening in some way. And this can be true in a casual setting or in a very long term relationship, but as soon as we feel like we can't reach them, and that leads us to feel some sense of uncertainty or lack of control, then we usually have this escalating, almost ladder of protest behaviours. So we might start with, this will be different for everyone, right?

0:09:04.17 → 0:10:02.08

It'll just depend on your specific brand of protest behaviours and what you have learned basically in the past has worked for you and what hasn't. We all tend to do this pretty subconsciously, but we have our very well sharpened tools in terms of getting our needs met. So it might be sulking, it might be stomping around, it might be huffing, it might be trying to elicit some sort of what's wrong so that we can then let someone know that they've upset us in some way. When that doesn't work, we might escalate and the escalation again might look different for different people. But as we sort of climb this ladder, I think criticism comes up as one of the strategies that maybe before criticism we try pleading or blaming or some sort of asking for something in a way that doesn't work, or we tiptoe around it.

0:10:02.12 → 0:10:40.33

We try to indirectly ask for what we need, but it doesn't quite land. And so then we escalate from there. And by the time we get to criticism, what we're typically doing is I'm in pain, and I want you to be in pain with me so that you know how I feel. Or I'm in pain, and I really need for you to understand how bad you are and agree with me that you are bad so that I feel validated in my pain. And so I might hurl these complaints or criticisms at you, telling you that there's something wrong with you.

0:10:40.40 → 0:11:23.35

Any normal person would know this, or you always do that, or you never do this, and RA in this quite attacking way. But the undercurrent for the anxious person is not, I am attacking you because I think you are terrible. It's I'm attacking you because I'm terrified that I'm losing you and for some reason, attack emerges as a way to get engagement from you. So if I can connect with you via this escalation in my communication, via criticising you and making you see how you've hurt me, then you'll change and then I'll feel safe again. And this can be really real and really big.

0:11:23.42 → 0:12:04.51

We can have this feeling of I'm terrified that if you don't see how much you're hurting me, that you won't change. And I don't think we can survive if you don't change. So I need to get you to change. And when I ask nicely, in my mind, this is all very much story, right? If I ask nicely, you don't do what I want and so I have to ask not so nicely or tell not so nicely, try and control in order that we can work our way back to harmony as I see it, and I can feel safe again, right?

0:12:04.71 → 0:12:38.01

So there's a lot in that. And as I said, it will look different for different people. There'll be different flavours of this, but the undercurrent for the anxious person is I'm trying to criticise you to either get engagement when I feel like you're slipping away, so I might be in an argument and again, I've been guilty of this. Not in my current relationship so much, but definitely in a previous one. If my partner in conflict would leave the room, as he often did, he'd sort of just tap out and storm off and I would just go after him like an animal, right?

0:12:38.05 → 0:13:35.45

I was so incensed and enraged with the fact that he could leave me in that vulnerable moment where I was trying to express something. It felt so abandoning and uncaring that I would follow him. I would follow him around the house and just hurl the awful criticisms at him so that I could get him to see how bad he was and how much he was hurting me. And spoiler alert, that wasn't very effective and usually led him to withdraw further or if he reached some sort of breaking point to start hurling criticisms back at me. But that was really I can look at it now with clear vision and say I was just in this state of total panic that if he was unable to engage with what I was telling him he was doing wrong, and if he continued to invalidate that, then it would go on forever, and my pain would go on forever.

0:13:35.50 → 0:14:14.27

And that terrified me. So I used criticism as a way to try and get that message across, to try and really convey the magnitude and the gravity of the pain that I was in. But again, not a very effective strategy because as soon as we throw those hand grenades, people duck for cover, right? It's just that defensiveness really inhibits any ability to receive the underlying substance of the message or the yearning or the desire or the fear underneath it. The vulnerability just gets cased in attack and venom and all of this stuff that really inhibits the connection that we so desire.

0:14:14.61 → 0:14:48.33

So that's what it tends to look like and be driven by. On the anxious side, on the avoidant side, criticism is a little different, but it's definitely there. And I think that in my observation, of course, avoidant detachment is not my personal experience. So I am speaking from an observer point of view of people I've been in relationship with and worked with. I think that the criticism tends to be either a reaction against feeling controlled.

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So if you're feeling like someone's trying to control you, you might notice a real criticism of them and feeling very judgmental of them, really disliking them, almost feeling kind of repulsed by them and feeling critical of everything they do and say and represent. It's like you just feel this really visceral kind of disgust response towards them and can feel very critical about oftentimes quite banal things or quite arbitrary things. So that can be kind of a direct reaction to feeling controlled by them or feeling smothered, feeling suffocated, or it can be a little less direct and can just be sort of part of a broader subconscious distancing strategy. And basically that is a strategy that's going to go about collecting all the evidence as to why the relationship isn't right, why it's not a good relationship, why it's not a good idea. And so you might notice yourself becoming very NIT picky or critical or blaming of just all of these little things, right?

0:16:00.37 → 0:16:50.70

As I said, it's less likely to be a big outburst of criticism that's in a heated moment and it might show up more as an internal voice of doubt. So feeling, as I said, quite critical towards your partner, just all of the things that they do, the things that they like, personality traits, you might start to find those things really unattractive and feel quite judgmental of all of the things that your partner does. You might find yourself very frustrated if they're not doing things right or in the right way or the way that you think would be best. It's sort of like this sense of the ways in which we're different. My brain takes as proof that we are not a good fit because I feel very protective of my way.

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And so to the extent that you are different to me, I take that as evidence that you are less than and use that to support my protector story that this relationship is not right and kind of push you away using that criticism. So as we can see, they come up in different ways. Right. The anxious criticism and it's kind of emblematic of the broader dynamic there. The anxious criticism tends to be frantic and panicked and ultimately designed to get connection in this really survival driven way of I am this last resort thing of I need to get you to hear me.

0:17:33.23 → 0:18:23.33

So I'm escalating and I'm going to be critical of you. Whereas the avoidant flavour of criticism tends to be a little bit more under the surface and it tends to be around doubt and uncertainty and creating that distance or disconnection trying to find reasons and evidence that would support our safety strategy. If I need to go back to my aloneness now and I'm justified in doing that and that will be the best thing for me because this person is deficient or not right for me or bad or imperfect in all of these ways and here's all of my evidence to support that. Right, okay, so what do we do with all of that? I think, as always, it comes back to this thing of there's no quick solution.

0:18:23.38 → 0:19:01.70

It's not a switch we can flip off. These protective strategies are with us for a reason and they've served a purpose and we can see the ways in which they are blocking us from getting what we truly desire and maybe blocking us from experiencing safe, loving, healthy, thriving relationships. I think a really good first step. And if you were to kind of take away an action item from today's conversation, if this is something that you notice in yourself is the next time you feel the urge to be critical of your partner, go, okay, what am I trying to achieve with this? Am I trying to control my partner?

0:19:01.76 → 0:19:25.09

Am I feeling out of control and am I trying to get back to control? Am I feeling like I can't reach my partner, like they're slipping away from me? Am I feeling really hurt? And I want my partner to either feel that hurt as well or for them to know how hurt I am. And the only way I feel like I can do that, that I'll be taken seriously, is by getting really escalated.

0:19:25.91 → 0:20:10.73

Am I trying to spot doubts or imperfections in my partner so as to justify my withdrawal as a way to protect my fear? Of vulnerability and intimacy, all of these things. There's a lot in this. And having this lens of curiosity slowing down, rather than taking the surface thing, the surface urge or thought or feeling as true and meaning something about our relationship or our partner, can we instead get curious and create a bit of space and go, okay, what am I afraid would happen if I didn't do this thing? What am I afraid would happen if I wasn't critical or if I didn't say that or do that?

0:20:10.85 → 0:21:00.91

I think that question often leads us to really powerful insights about the purpose that that behaviour is serving in our relationship. And then once we have a little more clarity around, okay, this is what that's actually about for me, then we can start to create choice and we can start to consider what an alternative might look like. Right? So, to give an example on the anxious side, if I'm using criticism as a way to convey how upset I am and how scared I am, can I instead tell you that I'm scared? Can I say to you, I don't want to criticise you, but at the same time I need you to know how important this is to me.

0:21:01.06 → 0:21:18.48

And it's really frightening for me when I feel like I can't reach you or that you're not hearing me because this thing feels so big inside me and I don't know what to do with that. And I really need to know that you hear me. Can you tell me that you hear me? Or something? Right?

0:21:18.58 → 0:21:32.20

But can we say the vulnerable thing rather than the aggressive thing? Because again, attack, defend. That can be your other key takeaway from today's episode. If I attack, they'll defend. And the same goes both ways, right?

0:21:32.33 → 0:21:48.54

So, knowing that, what could I do instead? What would a non attacking version of this feeling look and sound like? And just try it and allow yourself to be in the messiness of it. Right. I personally love the example I just gave.

0:21:48.59 → 0:22:21.74

I love that kind of strategy because all it's doing is basically narrating what's going on inside you rather than acting on the thing. So rather than saying, you never do this, we can say, I notice myself wanting to attack you and I really don't want to do that. But here's what I'm feeling and not saying I'm feeling like you never do this and I'm feeling like you're a terrible partner. No, I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling really worried that you don't hear me or understand me. Right.

0:22:22.43 → 0:23:10.67

And taking responsibility for the stories, sharing vulnerably, what the feelings are, and then waiting through that mess together and finding a way to meet in the middle and find a solution. Again, the more we dig our heels in and commit to needing to find a good guy and a bad guy and right and wrong, we stay in that really oppositional, antagonistic energy, and nothing good comes from that. We don't get the connection that we all so deeply want when we're in that place. I really hope that this conversation has been interesting to you and that it's been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode, it'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating if you're on Spotify or a written review if you're listening on Apple podcasts.

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But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you later this week for our Q and A episode. Thanks so much, guys. Take care.

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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg.com or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.