#63 How to deal with an all-consuming fear that my partner will cheat on me?
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to navigate an all-consuming fear & paranoia around a partner cheating - particularly in circumstances where that fear is seemingly unwarranted.
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to navigate an all-consuming fear & paranoia around a partner cheating - particularly in circumstances where that fear is seemingly unwarranted.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of nervous system regulation when we experience intense fear & paranoia
when to talk to a partner about our fears
the link between fear of cheating and low self-worth
a liberating truth about control in relationships
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:38.24
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's Q and A episode is all about navigating paranoia about a partner cheating.
0:00:38.38 → 0:01:30.26
So the specific question that I'm answering is one that I got on Instagram and it was how do I navigate paranoia and all consuming fear of cheating, even when there's no warranted situation at hand? So if you are someone who really struggles with the fear of infidelity and all of the associated behaviours that can spring from that paranoia overthinking control. Playing detective, maybe snooping, struggling to trust your partner, really struggling with any sort of distance between you, because you tend to fill in the blanks and assume that the moment they're out of sight, they're going to be doing something in breach of the agreements of your relationship. All of these things can flow from that paranoia about a partner cheating. And so if that's something that you experience at the moment or you have in the past, you know that that's something you struggle with.
0:01:30.39 → 0:02:21.17
Today's episode should be really helpful for you in understanding that piece of you a little more. I think that for me to say that I can solve that for you in a 15 minutes episode would be misleading because there's usually a lot of stuff wrapped up in it. But I suppose the way I frame it is probably as you do the broader work of healing and becoming more secure in yourself, of building your self worth then your fear around things like infidelity and the paranoia and the need to control will probably organically soften because as we'll talk about that stuff usually springs from extremely low self worth and low self esteem and the associated fears that can come with that. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:21.33 → 0:02:41.51
Today is the last day to join this round of healing anxious attachment. At the time of recording, we have just over 300 people who've signed up in the last couple of weeks. So it's really, really amazing. I'm so excited for all of those people who've already dived in. So when you sign up, you get instant access to the first module and then each module after that will be released weekly from your start date.
0:02:41.60 → 0:03:20.24
So it's an eight module course, an eight week course, although you do get lifetime access to all of the materials. You also get to come to two live Q and A calls with me. That might sound a little weird given I just told you there's 300 people who've signed up, but in the past we've not had more than 30ish people on a call. The reality is most people don't turn up live. So if it's anything like previous cohorts, which were of a similar size, you do still get access to me and have the opportunity to ask me a question and have me directly speak to your situation and give you some individual coaching within that group forum.
0:03:20.35 → 0:03:52.39
So, as I said, today is the last day to join. There is an extended payment plan so you can get started for as little as $97 on a six month payment plan. The link to that is in the show notes, and I probably won't be running the course until the latter half of the year. I haven't set a date for that yet, but if it's something that you've been considering, I do really encourage you to cheque it out and sign up because there is no time like the present to get started on this work. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I really love this one.
0:03:52.54 → 0:04:08.74
Stephanie's teaching on attachment and relationships has settled deep in my heart. She brings a beautiful mix of knowledge, wisdom, experience, compassion and forthrightness that speaks the truth in a loving but firm manner. I highly recommend all of her podcasts. Thank you for that beautiful review. As I said, I really loved that one when I read it.
0:04:08.84 → 0:04:44.09
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephaniereg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around paranoia, jealousy, all consuming fear about a partner cheating. Now, you might recall that in the original question that someone asked, they said, it's an unwarranted fear. There's nothing currently happening that would justify this fear of mine. And I think that that's an important qualifier at the outset.
0:04:44.11 → 0:05:27.09
And I'm always minded to offer this caveat, because oftentimes I hear from people who really struggle with jealousy and they blame themselves for that. They say, what's wrong with me? I'm so paranoid, I'm so crazy, I'm so jealous. And then they tell me a little more about the situation, and my response is, well, of course you feel that way, because there are things going on there that would make anyone feel crazy and paranoid and jealous. So I think that that's an important footnote to this discussion at the outset is that when we're talking about paranoia, trust issues, jealousy, we want to make sure that we're not almost like gaslighting ourselves or making ourselves out.
0:05:27.13 → 0:06:01.59
To be the crazy one, the unhinged one, the unstable one, when there are things that are sort of patently not okay or would not be okay. For the vast majority of people in monogamous relationships or non monogamous relationships where there are clear boundaries that are being crossed. So that might be true in the current sense, but also if there has been previous infidelity within the relationship. Again, give yourself some grace because that's not something that's easy to just get over and draw a line under. The past is in the past, and I'm not going to have those feelings come up again.
0:06:01.68 → 0:06:39.18
That's a very normal and understandable way to respond to betrayal infidelity some sort of breach of trust. And even if that wasn't in the current relationship, if that has been in your past, then your body remembers that and your protective mechanisms, your protective parts, their whole job is to look out for similarities of things that happened in your past that were painful or frightening and try to protect you against that. So if there's anything that looks even vaguely similar to something that happened in the past, you're going to get the alarm bells ringing. That's how your system works. Okay?
0:06:39.55 → 0:07:25.33
So let's just be somewhat kind to ourselves around what we're bringing to relationships in terms of what might have happened in our past that would justify us feeling a certain way. With all of that being said, I think we can acknowledge and agree that there are circumstances where our reaction, our response doesn't match what's really happening. And that can feel extremely frustrating and scary and destabilising. And we can feel like we're almost possessed by this demonic part that is behaving in a way. It's almost like we can watch ourselves in slow motion and go, I'm being a bit crazy here, but I feel powerless to stop it because I'm so scared, I'm so panicked about this.
0:07:25.50 → 0:08:02.93
And so I think a really good starting point if you listened to the episode earlier in the week with Sarah Baldwin on Understanding your Nervous system, I think the more literacy you have around your nervous system, the better equipped you will be to navigate things like all consuming fear, paranoia. And what you'll probably notice is a very sympathetic response to that, meaning a lot of activation, energy mobilisation, I have to do something, right? This sense of probably being really flooded with energy, heat, tingling, I've got to do something. I've got to find information. I've got to call them.
0:08:02.97 → 0:08:50.53
I've got to cheque on them, I've got to stalk them, whatever I've got to do. But it's like your body is propelling you into action to try and deal with this perceived threat. The more that you can locate yourself and your current experience in the states of your nervous system, the better equipped you will be to regulate and then go, okay, what's really happening here? Can I put on my clear glasses and see this situation for what it is, rather than looking at everything that's going on through this lens of extreme fear and dysregulation? So in summary, whenever you notice this and this might be something that happens acutely, so in certain situations, you have sudden bouts of paranoia, or maybe it's something that's kind of chronic.
0:08:50.61 → 0:09:46.85
But either way, when you notice that coming up prioritising regulation in your body. So maybe that's going for a run, maybe that's calling a friend, whatever you need to do to bring your body back into a level of regulation that's going to be a really responsible, I would say, first step in managing these emotions. I think that there is definitely scope to talk to a partner about this right now, depending on the state of your relationship, depending on how your communication is, depending on your partner's capacity. But I don't think it's something that you have to internalise and feel shame about and feel really alone in that experience. So if it's totally unwarranted and your partner has never done anything to your knowledge to breach trust, then you can say to them, I know that this is going to sound crazy, and I really want you to understand.
0:09:46.97 → 0:10:33.39
That this is not an accusation and it's not something that I'm saying you've done wrong. But I'm having these thoughts and feelings, and it's causing me a lot of stress. Having that awareness for yourself, what stories am I telling myself and where is that coming from and what do I need in order to feel safe in this? Letting your partner into the experience a bit can be quite relieving, but we just want to make sure that we're not doing it in a way that is dumping it on them and then making it their responsibility to reassure us and convince us that everything is okay. Because if we become reliant on them to create that safety for us, we're going to need just regular doses of reassurance from them in order to feel safe.
0:10:33.44 → 0:11:12.60
And if you're really anxiously attached, which I assume the person who is asking this question is that will never be enough. No amount of reassurance from them will be enough because it's just not actually meeting the need, right. If anything, it's perpetuating the pattern of I'm only safe if you convince me that I'm safe, rather than being able to create that for myself. So as I alluded to at the start, I think the bigger picture work on this. If we think about regulating our nervous system and having a conversation with our partner around what we're feeling and what we might need from them, or things that might help relationally.
0:11:12.63 → 0:11:48.81
If those are the two shorter term practical points to help you with this, the bigger picture solution is going to be building up your self worth. Because fear about a partner cheating or jealousy about a partner's exes anything like this is just a symptom of really low self worth, right? We're convinced that the second we turn our back, our partner is going to go find someone better than us that they like more, that they're more attracted to, that they want more. And that is terrifying, right? But it is just a symptom of I think that I am unworthy.
0:11:48.89 → 0:12:14.05
I think that I am not good enough. I think that I have very little to offer. I'm not attractive enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not compelling enough as a partner and therefore I'm holding on to you by a thread. It feels like there's nothing substantive keeping you here and in relationship with me. I am convinced that you're going to leave me the first chance you get.
0:12:14.17 → 0:12:43.16
And so I'm extremely paranoid about you cheating on me. That is a low self worth story. That is a story that only takes root when we feel like we have nothing to offer, like we have no value to our partner. And while again there might be aspects of that that we can deal with relationally, the vast majority of that is your work. And that's not meant to lay blame on you.
0:12:43.18 → 0:13:14.60
It's meant to empower you to go wow, okay, this is an inside job, I've got some work to do. Where did I learn that I have to prove my worth and that I have to be perfect in order to be lovable and that I have to control someone and keep them so close because the second I let go, they're going to leave me. If I release my grip on them, they're going to run and find someone that they actually love. Where did I learn that? Where's that coming from in me?
0:13:14.73 → 0:13:43.55
What part of me needs comfort and reassurance and soothing that I can offer in order to change that story? And again, this is longer term work, right? This is the work of reprogramming our core wounds. But I think that I alluded to this last week in a different context on what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship. But the more that you can turn focus back onto yourself because paranoia about a partner cheating is so other focused, right?
0:13:43.59 → 0:14:12.08
That's a beautiful expression of the anxious attachment tendency to be obsessed with what our partner is doing and needing to control that in order to feel okay within ourselves. So the more that we can interrupt that expression of the pattern and instead go okay, what do I need? How can I stand on my own 2ft and be less hyper focused on what my partner is doing, right? And actually turn attention inward? And what do I need and what do I want to do?
0:14:12.12 → 0:14:47.52
And how can I make my life really full and rich and rewarding without that being tethered to the ups and downs of my relationship or whatever my partner might be doing or not doing? The last thing that I want to offer here. And this is a little bit more philosophical and for some people this will be very triggering, for others it will be very liberating. So just bear that in mind and if it doesn't work for you, leave it. The radical truth is that you cannot control your partner and if your partner wants to cheat on you, they will cheat on you.
0:14:47.59 → 0:15:34.00
Irrespective of whether you are on them like a hawk, they'll find a way. So put differently, no amount of control or manipulation or detective work or monitoring is going to be able to keep someone where they don't want to be. So in acknowledgment of that can we release the grip and trust? Right? Because we've either got a relationship that has no trust that is governed by control and monitoring and detective work and grip and clinging and fear and paranoia and all of these really heavy exhausting dynamics and even in that dynamic your partner could still cheat on you.
0:15:34.10 → 0:16:01.92
Your partner could leave you tomorrow, right? We can never control that. That's part of the intense vulnerability of relationships is that we cannot stop ourselves from getting hurt no matter how hard we try. So we could try, we could be on that hamster wheel of control and seeking to control and preempt and try and avoid the worst happening even though we ultimately can't. Or we could let go.
0:16:02.45 → 0:16:53.24
We could trust, we could create space, we could be with the discomfort of distance and uncertainty and not knowing and not being able to guarantee that your partner won't cheat on you because none of us can. And instead focus on building our self worth and building our resilience, building our capacity to experience discomfort and building the self trust of knowing that even if the worst happens, I will be okay. Because I have reallocated that energy that I was obsessing over what someone else is doing and instead directed that towards cultivating a stronger relationship with myself so that I learn to be my own anchor. I learn to be okay. And that is not to say that we're kind of tacitly or indirectly endorsing cheating or infidelity or mistrust or anything like that, right?
0:16:53.34 → 0:17:45.20
It's more to acknowledge that the control tactics don't actually work. If anything, they can probably sabotage a relationship by pushing someone away because none of us like to feel controlled, none of us like to feel like someone doesn't trust us. That really erodes emotional safety and intimacy. So put that way and of course easier said than done but that is part of the intense vulnerability of being in relationship and this work is wow, I don't own this person and I can't control what they're doing and I don't know what goes on in their head. So can I radically accept that and surrender into it rather than banging my head up against a wall and causing myself so much stress and tension and fear and anxiety in the process?
0:17:45.73 → 0:18:11.21
Okay, so I hope that that has given you something to think about. As I said, it's not one that I can give you a three step plan and then voila, it will be solved within a couple of days. It is really a symptom of the broader experience of anxious attachment of low self worth. It springs from that. It really does take root in that soil.
0:18:11.39 → 0:18:27.02
And that's okay, right? It's not something to shame ourselves about. It makes perfect sense. And you are so far from being alone in this experience. I've experienced this for sure, but I've also experienced the version where I've made peace with not being able to control someone.
0:18:27.07 → 0:19:11.24
And I can assure you that there's a lot of relief in that, even though it can feel vulnerable at times. So I hope that that's been helpful for the person who asked the question and anyone else listening, who struggles with paranoia, struggling to trust betrayal infidelity all of those fears, which are, as I said, very understandable and very common. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating or a written review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, it really does help so much. And a final reminder that if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're ready to make a change, today is the last day to sign up for my Healing Anxious Attachment programme.
0:19:11.37 → 0:19:19.44
The link is in the show notes and I would love to see you there. Thank you so much for joining me, everybody, and I will see you again next week. Take care.
0:19:21.57 → 0:19:43.62
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#55 I can't help but hope that my ex will come back. How to let go so I can actually move on?
In this Q&A episode, we're talking all about moving on after a break-up. Specifically, what to do when we want to move on, but deep down we're still very much hoping our ex will reach out and want to rekindle.
In this Q&A episode, we're talking all about moving on after a break-up. Specifically, what to do when we want to move on, but deep down we're still very much hoping our ex will reach out and want to rekindle.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of allowing ourselves to feel our feelings after a break-up
why we don't need to emotionally let go before moving on
how to take action to support yourself after a break-up
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You can download my free guided meditation on finding closure & letting go here.
Join the waitlist for the next round of Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:38.67
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm answering the community question of I can't help but hope that my ex will come back.
0:00:38.76 → 0:01:01.91
How do I let go so I can actually move on? This is a question that I get a lot variations on this. How do I actually let go of my ex? How do I stop thinking about them, ruminating on them, replaying it all in my mind, secretly hoping that they reach out, that they come back? How do I let go so that I can create the space to move on?
0:01:02.08 → 0:01:41.06
And so I'm going to be offering you some thoughts and some insights on that. If this is a situation you're in, or maybe you've been in in the past, or maybe you think you might be in the situation in the future, that's what today's episode is going to be all about. Before we dive into that, couple of quick announcements. Just a reminder again, if you haven't already, to join the Waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, which is reopening for enrollment in a few weeks. It opens two to three times a year and is a really, really powerful programme for anyone who struggles with anxious attachment and is looking to try something new.
0:01:41.16 → 0:02:18.50
I know that a lot of anxiously attached people have usually tried a lot of things, but this programme has the tick of approval from over 700 people who've been through it in the last twelve months. So if you are wanting to cheque that out and you'd like to be on the waitlist, that will guarantee you first access and also an early bird discount. So jump on the waitlist via the show notes if that is of interest to you. The other quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is listening to each episode feels like sitting with a very dear, very wise friend. The content is spot on and delivered in a compassionate and nonjudgmental way.
0:02:18.55 → 0:02:33.81
Information is actionable and practical, in addition to being educational. My new favourite podcast. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad that you've been enjoying the podcast and I'm so glad that it feels like sitting with a friend. That's really nice feedback to hear.
0:02:33.90 → 0:03:04.19
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this question of I can't help but hope that my ex will come back. How do I let go so I can actually move on? What I'd want to say to this at the outset is just give yourself permission to be where you're at. I think that so many of us get stuck in this pattern of how can I stop feeling the way I'm feeling?
0:03:04.24 → 0:03:41.26
How can I stop having the thoughts that I'm having? And that resistance towards what we're feeling and thinking is really, really counterproductive because it just adds fuel to the fire. It just adds more tension and stress and frustration to your system. And approaching yourself with this energy of self rejection and judgement and wrongness and shame is the last thing that you need when you're already in this process of grieving with all of the emotions that come with that. So the first and most important thing here is give yourself permission to grieve and to be where you're at.
0:03:41.36 → 0:04:37.51
I've said this many times before, but it's so important to calibrate our expectations around a breakup so that we can normalise things like missing our ex, wanting to speak to our ex, hoping that they'll come back. These are perfectly normal things to experience in the wake of a relationship ending. I think where we come unstuck is when we feel like we should just be fine and we should be over it and then we start judging our thoughts and feelings. So start by just giving yourself full permission to hope that your ex will come back, rather than feeling like you need to change that or eradicate that feeling and hope with that being said, we don't have to let that hope that our ex will come back guide our decisions. And again, I think this is a really common mistake is we go, oh, I'm feeling a thing, and therefore that means something very important and I have to act accordingly.
0:04:37.61 → 0:04:53.93
So that might look like, oh, I missed them. Therefore I have to reach out to them or I'm hoping that they'll come back. Therefore I can't take any steps to move on. And it's sort of embedded in the question here how to let go so I can move on. What I would say to you is flip that around.
0:04:54.08 → 0:05:47.94
How can I move on so that I can let go? I think so often we wait to feel a thing before we take action, whereas sometimes it's really in taking the action that we create the space for the feelings to follow. So rather than sitting there and waiting until you've let go, until you've gotten over your ex, before you can take steps towards moving on, my invitation to you is take the steps now, create the space, lead with action and allow your feelings to follow. Because otherwise we are ultimately allowing our lives to be governed by something completely outside of our control, which is the way we feel, because we can't really change our feelings, right? We can acknowledge our feelings, we can support ourselves, we can monitor the stories we're telling ourselves which might be exacerbating or intensifying or amplifying those feelings.
0:05:48.00 → 0:06:17.83
Things like sadness or loneliness or fear. We certainly can participate in those feelings in a way that might intensify them, but we can't just stop feeling fear. We can't just decide that we're not going to feel sad, but what we can do is go, okay, I acknowledge that I'm feeling sad. I'm acknowledging that I feel this hope or this longing. And I also know that that relationship has ended.
0:06:18.25 → 0:07:20.24
And I know that the self honouring thing to do is to focus on myself, to focus on rebuilding my life, on looking to the future and taking this experience and learning from it. So we have to be able to hold both of those things. We have to be able to hold the feelings and also kind of rise above them and shift into maybe a higher version of ourselves that gets to decide what happens next, gets to author the next chapter. Rather than sitting in the feelings and allowing them to consume us and allowing them to dictate the trajectory of our lives. So rather than waiting until you've stopped hoping before you move on, I would really encourage you to flip that on its head and look at what actions can I take today to move me in the direction that I want to be and trust that in time, I will feel ready.
0:07:20.42 → 0:08:00.05
Now, you might be wondering, what are we actually talking about? When I say take action, move on, that doesn't mean that you have to go out and start dating a bunch of people. And I would encourage you to take the time to process your breakup before you do that. Because if you've got a lot of unprocessed stuff and a lot of pain and a lot of wounding or whatever else that needs to be worked through, you don't just want to race into the next relationship because you're going to be carrying all of that stuff with you and you'll probably do a rinse and repeat. So by all means, take some time and space before going back into dating if that's what you feel you need.
0:08:00.17 → 0:08:40.37
But I suppose when I talk about moving on, it's moving on with your life. Rather than spinning around in obsessing about your ex and ruminating over your relationship and doing all of those things. It's like, how can I rebuild my life, making it about me? How can I envision what the next chapter looks like without that relationship in it and start getting really intentional about that rebuilding process. So moving on does not have to involve going and sleeping with a bunch of people or forcing yourself to go on dates before you feel ready, but rather just a level of intentionality around what do I want to create in my life in this next chapter?
0:08:40.71 → 0:09:00.24
So the idea of dating feels daunting and overwhelming and you have no interest in that. Don't do it. Just focus on yourself. And particularly if you are a more anxiously attached person. That is the growth edge in a breakup, and it is a powerful gift because your tendency is to focus on the other person and focus on the relationship.
0:09:00.42 → 0:09:33.95
So having the blank canvas of this is about me now and I get to figure out who I am and what I want my life to look like. That is really a powerful gift that comes with a breakup, so make the most of it. Turn over that page and figure out what you want it to look like. So I hope that that's been helpful. Just to recap, it's not about stopping the hoping, it's not about waiting for yourself to not want your ex to come back before you move on with your life.
0:09:34.07 → 0:10:24.80
It's about holding that and being honest with yourself and going, yeah, okay, a part of me is hoping that they'll come back and that's okay. I can hold that while also making a decision that is in service of who I am and what I want for my life what is in my higher good and taking steps towards that without shaming ourselves for feeling what we're feeling and just trusting that as we move through the process, as we support ourselves, as we resource ourselves, that we will come out the other side stronger. If you've recently gone through a breakup and you're in the thick of it, I have a free guided meditation on finding closure and letting go that has been downloaded thousands of times. I get a lot of beautiful messages from people saying how supportive it's been in helping them through their breakup. So if that's where you're at, definitely cheque that out.
0:10:24.85 → 0:10:43.32
That's a free download via the show Notes. I've also got a bunch of other podcast episodes on Breakup, so you can scroll back and find those again if that's where you're at and you're looking for some extra support, but otherwise sending you lots of love. Thanks for joining me and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
0:10:45.45 → 0:11:08.00
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.