"I can't help but hope that my ex will come back. How to let go so I can actually move on?"
In this Q&A episode, we're talking all about moving on after a break-up. Specifically, what to do when we want to move on, but deep down we're still very much hoping our ex will reach out and want to rekindle.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of allowing ourselves to feel our feelings after a break-up
why we don't need to emotionally let go before moving on
how to take action to support yourself after a break-up
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You can download my free guided meditation on finding closure & letting go here.
Join the waitlist for the next round of Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:38.67
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm answering the community question of I can't help but hope that my ex will come back.
0:00:38.76 → 0:01:01.91
How do I let go so I can actually move on? This is a question that I get a lot variations on this. How do I actually let go of my ex? How do I stop thinking about them, ruminating on them, replaying it all in my mind, secretly hoping that they reach out, that they come back? How do I let go so that I can create the space to move on?
0:01:02.08 → 0:01:41.06
And so I'm going to be offering you some thoughts and some insights on that. If this is a situation you're in, or maybe you've been in in the past, or maybe you think you might be in the situation in the future, that's what today's episode is going to be all about. Before we dive into that, couple of quick announcements. Just a reminder again, if you haven't already, to join the Waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, which is reopening for enrollment in a few weeks. It opens two to three times a year and is a really, really powerful programme for anyone who struggles with anxious attachment and is looking to try something new.
0:01:41.16 → 0:02:18.50
I know that a lot of anxiously attached people have usually tried a lot of things, but this programme has the tick of approval from over 700 people who've been through it in the last twelve months. So if you are wanting to cheque that out and you'd like to be on the waitlist, that will guarantee you first access and also an early bird discount. So jump on the waitlist via the show notes if that is of interest to you. The other quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is listening to each episode feels like sitting with a very dear, very wise friend. The content is spot on and delivered in a compassionate and nonjudgmental way.
0:02:18.55 → 0:02:33.81
Information is actionable and practical, in addition to being educational. My new favourite podcast. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad that you've been enjoying the podcast and I'm so glad that it feels like sitting with a friend. That's really nice feedback to hear.
0:02:33.90 → 0:03:04.19
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this question of I can't help but hope that my ex will come back. How do I let go so I can actually move on? What I'd want to say to this at the outset is just give yourself permission to be where you're at. I think that so many of us get stuck in this pattern of how can I stop feeling the way I'm feeling?
0:03:04.24 → 0:03:41.26
How can I stop having the thoughts that I'm having? And that resistance towards what we're feeling and thinking is really, really counterproductive because it just adds fuel to the fire. It just adds more tension and stress and frustration to your system. And approaching yourself with this energy of self rejection and judgement and wrongness and shame is the last thing that you need when you're already in this process of grieving with all of the emotions that come with that. So the first and most important thing here is give yourself permission to grieve and to be where you're at.
0:03:41.36 → 0:04:37.51
I've said this many times before, but it's so important to calibrate our expectations around a breakup so that we can normalise things like missing our ex, wanting to speak to our ex, hoping that they'll come back. These are perfectly normal things to experience in the wake of a relationship ending. I think where we come unstuck is when we feel like we should just be fine and we should be over it and then we start judging our thoughts and feelings. So start by just giving yourself full permission to hope that your ex will come back, rather than feeling like you need to change that or eradicate that feeling and hope with that being said, we don't have to let that hope that our ex will come back guide our decisions. And again, I think this is a really common mistake is we go, oh, I'm feeling a thing, and therefore that means something very important and I have to act accordingly.
0:04:37.61 → 0:04:53.93
So that might look like, oh, I missed them. Therefore I have to reach out to them or I'm hoping that they'll come back. Therefore I can't take any steps to move on. And it's sort of embedded in the question here how to let go so I can move on. What I would say to you is flip that around.
0:04:54.08 → 0:05:47.94
How can I move on so that I can let go? I think so often we wait to feel a thing before we take action, whereas sometimes it's really in taking the action that we create the space for the feelings to follow. So rather than sitting there and waiting until you've let go, until you've gotten over your ex, before you can take steps towards moving on, my invitation to you is take the steps now, create the space, lead with action and allow your feelings to follow. Because otherwise we are ultimately allowing our lives to be governed by something completely outside of our control, which is the way we feel, because we can't really change our feelings, right? We can acknowledge our feelings, we can support ourselves, we can monitor the stories we're telling ourselves which might be exacerbating or intensifying or amplifying those feelings.
0:05:48.00 → 0:06:17.83
Things like sadness or loneliness or fear. We certainly can participate in those feelings in a way that might intensify them, but we can't just stop feeling fear. We can't just decide that we're not going to feel sad, but what we can do is go, okay, I acknowledge that I'm feeling sad. I'm acknowledging that I feel this hope or this longing. And I also know that that relationship has ended.
0:06:18.25 → 0:07:20.24
And I know that the self honouring thing to do is to focus on myself, to focus on rebuilding my life, on looking to the future and taking this experience and learning from it. So we have to be able to hold both of those things. We have to be able to hold the feelings and also kind of rise above them and shift into maybe a higher version of ourselves that gets to decide what happens next, gets to author the next chapter. Rather than sitting in the feelings and allowing them to consume us and allowing them to dictate the trajectory of our lives. So rather than waiting until you've stopped hoping before you move on, I would really encourage you to flip that on its head and look at what actions can I take today to move me in the direction that I want to be and trust that in time, I will feel ready.
0:07:20.42 → 0:08:00.05
Now, you might be wondering, what are we actually talking about? When I say take action, move on, that doesn't mean that you have to go out and start dating a bunch of people. And I would encourage you to take the time to process your breakup before you do that. Because if you've got a lot of unprocessed stuff and a lot of pain and a lot of wounding or whatever else that needs to be worked through, you don't just want to race into the next relationship because you're going to be carrying all of that stuff with you and you'll probably do a rinse and repeat. So by all means, take some time and space before going back into dating if that's what you feel you need.
0:08:00.17 → 0:08:40.37
But I suppose when I talk about moving on, it's moving on with your life. Rather than spinning around in obsessing about your ex and ruminating over your relationship and doing all of those things. It's like, how can I rebuild my life, making it about me? How can I envision what the next chapter looks like without that relationship in it and start getting really intentional about that rebuilding process. So moving on does not have to involve going and sleeping with a bunch of people or forcing yourself to go on dates before you feel ready, but rather just a level of intentionality around what do I want to create in my life in this next chapter?
0:08:40.71 → 0:09:00.24
So the idea of dating feels daunting and overwhelming and you have no interest in that. Don't do it. Just focus on yourself. And particularly if you are a more anxiously attached person. That is the growth edge in a breakup, and it is a powerful gift because your tendency is to focus on the other person and focus on the relationship.
0:09:00.42 → 0:09:33.95
So having the blank canvas of this is about me now and I get to figure out who I am and what I want my life to look like. That is really a powerful gift that comes with a breakup, so make the most of it. Turn over that page and figure out what you want it to look like. So I hope that that's been helpful. Just to recap, it's not about stopping the hoping, it's not about waiting for yourself to not want your ex to come back before you move on with your life.
0:09:34.07 → 0:10:24.80
It's about holding that and being honest with yourself and going, yeah, okay, a part of me is hoping that they'll come back and that's okay. I can hold that while also making a decision that is in service of who I am and what I want for my life what is in my higher good and taking steps towards that without shaming ourselves for feeling what we're feeling and just trusting that as we move through the process, as we support ourselves, as we resource ourselves, that we will come out the other side stronger. If you've recently gone through a breakup and you're in the thick of it, I have a free guided meditation on finding closure and letting go that has been downloaded thousands of times. I get a lot of beautiful messages from people saying how supportive it's been in helping them through their breakup. So if that's where you're at, definitely cheque that out.
0:10:24.85 → 0:10:43.32
That's a free download via the show Notes. I've also got a bunch of other podcast episodes on Breakup, so you can scroll back and find those again if that's where you're at and you're looking for some extra support, but otherwise sending you lots of love. Thanks for joining me and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
0:10:45.45 → 0:11:08.00
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.