#49 “My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can’t help but take it personally.”
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally." This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally."
This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
WHAT WE COVER:
why it's normal to feel hurt by a partner moving on faster than we do
why it's so important to monitor the stories we tell ourselves post break-up
reasons why people process break-ups differently
how anxious vs avoidant people tend to move through the break-up period
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.01 → 0:01:06.55
Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of my ex moved on immediately postbreak up, and I can't help but take it personally. Do you have any advice? So this is something that I hear a lot, and it can obviously feel like a twisting of the dagger when we're already in a lot of pain to see our ex, whether it's moving on or just seeming to. Be coping better than we are after a breakup when we're really in the thick of it and we're grieving and we're hurt and we're lost and confused.
0:01:06.73 → 0:01:47.76
To see something pop up on social media or to hear about it or to even hear it directly from your ex that they're seeing someone new or that life is going well for them. It's really easy to take that and make it mean something about us. And that can really prolong our suffering at a time when we're already in a lot of pain and hurt. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, understanding that experience a little more where you can go as stray there, and some reframes to help you get through that experience, even though it will still be challenging and painful. But hopefully we can cut it off there and not make it mean something about us as a person.
0:01:48.37 → 0:02:28.73
Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that today is the last day to access the sale that I've been running, which is 50% off all of my Masterclasses, which are on boundaries, sex and attachment, and navigating anxious, avoidant relationships. Those are all only $44 each and there's heaps of value in them, so definitely cheque them out. If you're interested. You can also get 50% off my Higher Love course, which is a full length six module plus bonuses course on breakups and really moving through a breakup in the healthiest, most supported way possible and coming out the other side better than before.
0:02:28.80 → 0:03:11.13
So if any of those things tickle your fancy, today is the last day to take advantage of that discount and all of that's linked in the show notes. The other quick announcement is just to share the review of the week, which is I discovered Stephanie's podcast by chance a few months ago when I was trying to work out my relationship and had just started therapy. Her soothing voice and her shortened to the point episodes have really helped me reconsider myself as an anxiously attached person and to understand my continuous fear of being abandoned in a sentimental relationship. Understanding other attachment types and learning better ways to interact with an avoidant partner has also brought a certain level of peace and compassion towards myself and my relationship. I couldn't be more grateful for Stephanie's wise and kind words every week.
0:03:11.20 → 0:03:30.12
Thank you. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so pleased to hear that. I love how you describe a level of peace and compassion towards yourself and your relationship from diving into this work. I think that is really the goal, and I'm glad to have been able to support you in some small way with the podcast.
0:03:30.26 → 0:04:02.66
If that was your review, if you could just send an email to podcast@stephanierug.com. My team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this question of I've just seen that my ex has moved on immediately after our breakup, and I can't help but take it personally. So as a starting point, I just want to validate that this sucks, right? It's painful, and it's really easy to feel hurt by that and to feel kind of personally victimised by it.
0:04:02.76 → 0:04:29.80
I just want to really normalise all of those feelings. I think, irrespective of the circumstances of a breakup. Even if you broke up with them, even if it was really amicable, all of that stuff, even if you're kind of comfortable with the breakup and, you know it's the right thing. I think there's always going to be a bit of sting or a little bit of emotional something when we see our ex with someone new. I think that's really normal.
0:04:29.91 → 0:05:03.77
And so the starting point is don't beat yourself up too much for having an emotional response when you see your ex moving on and dating someone new. I think that obviously, if the circumstances are such that they broke up with you, you're really sad about it and you didn't want the relationship to end. It's very fresh and raw and you're still in the thick of it. To see them with someone new in that circumstance is devastating. And again, that's really understandable.
0:05:03.85 → 0:05:26.64
So don't feel like you shouldn't feel that way. Don't judge that feeling because I think that's a very natural thing to feel. What I do want to invite you to reflect on and really monitor is where we take that feeling of I'm really upset about this. I'm hurt, I'm sad, and we make that mean something about us. Okay, so we go, oh, they're dating someone new.
0:05:26.69 → 0:05:37.08
That means that they're not even sad about the relationship ending. They never even cared about me. They never loved me. A whole relationship was a sham. I feel like an idiot because I'm upset and they're not.
0:05:37.45 → 0:05:59.72
This new person that they're dating must be so much better than me, more attractive, more emotionally stable, less needy, whatever. The things I'm telling myself, they're going to make all of the changes with this new person that they wouldn't make for me. Maybe I was actually the problem after all. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for all of those things. All of that stuff.
0:05:59.82 → 0:06:41.26
We can spiral. Now, you may relate to none of that or some of that or all of that, but those are the sorts of things that I hear. And so I just want to shine a light on that and say that's where we cause our own suffering, right? Those stories are where the suffering lives and lives on because we can really get stuck there and spin around in that for a long time because we're taking something that may have very little to do with us a lot of the time and making it mean something about us at a very fundamental level. And that's a surefire way to erode self worth, to beat ourselves when we're already down.
0:06:41.31 → 0:07:14.58
And that's really the opposite of what we need at that time. So with that as an overarching point, the other thing I'll say is there are many, many reasons why someone, some people might move on more quickly than others. Okay, so this is part of the work. Whenever we're looking at the stories we tell ourselves, we can poke holes in our own stories and go, okay, that probably doesn't necessarily mean that I can acknowledge that other versions of this exist. What might they be?
0:07:14.63 → 0:07:26.34
So I'm going to give you some of them. They may not have processed the breakup or their grief, okay? They may have just put a lid on it. They're blocking it out. They're distracting themselves.
0:07:26.44 → 0:07:54.36
They're numbing out whatever they're doing. People process emotions in different ways, particularly if they are more avoidant leaning. They're not going to experience that initial post breakup in the same way that you, as a more anxious leaning person would. So acknowledge that that you can't expect them to have the same process as you. And there's a good chance that if it's very fresh that you'll go in different directions post breakup.
0:07:54.39 → 0:08:36.92
So a more avoidant leaning person is likely to put a lid on those emotions and channel their energy into distraction. Whether that's like throwing themselves into work or becoming very social all of a sudden or taking up a new pursuit or a new hobby, they're going to be putting that energy into something. Whereas a more anxious leaning person is likely to be very in the thick of their emotions and their grief and that feeling of longing and loss with the void that has been created by the relationship ending. So that might be one reason they may not have processed the breakup. Alternatively, they may have been processing it in advance of the relationship ending.
0:08:37.03 → 0:09:15.29
So what often happens is if a relationship is kind of on its last legs for a few months or even years in some cases, there can be a process of disengagement whereby one or both people sort of stop trying. And there's this sense of anticipation that you both know that it's coming. Maybe just one person knows that it's coming and they've made the decision to end the relationship before they actually pull the trigger. And so there is a gradual kind of disconnection and disengagement. Some people, if they've been in that situation, may have been processing their feelings around the relationship ending for a while before it actually did.
0:09:15.41 → 0:10:02.61
And that may mean that they feel kind of okay after the breakup, because the breakup provides more relief than it does grief, at least initially. Again, that's not about you, that's just about someone else's emotional process and the timing of that, the journey that they've been on. The third thing I'd say is you don't really have actual visibility over what they're experiencing, so it's likely that what you know about where they're at is gleaned from social media or word of mouth or mutual friends or even what they might have shared with you. But that's always going to be kind of biassed. You're seeing what they want you to see, you're knowing what they want you to know.
0:10:02.75 → 0:10:17.52
So it's not necessarily the full picture. Right? I'll add the caveat there. That doesn't give you an invitation to go and interrogate them and say, what are you really feeling? Or ruminate on whether they're actually really upset, but they're just not showing it.
0:10:17.65 → 0:10:41.57
It's just to say that we don't really know. So let's not make stories from imperfect information because it's just not helpful for you. What I'll say to sort of wrap this up is please just understand that if you are more anxiously attached, you will tend to spin out post breakup, right? You will really struggle with a breakup. I have an episode from last year on.
0:10:41.66 → 0:11:17.81
Five reasons why anxiously attached people struggle with breakups. And that's definitely a good one to cheque out because I dive into this in more detail there. But please just don't compare your breakup trajectory, your arc, with that of a more avoided leaning partner, because it is just not comparing apples with apples. And it's really, really unhelpful in the same way that in a relationship it's not helpful for me to project my worldview, my experience onto your behaviour and make it mean what it would mean if I did it. You're coming from totally different places, so just understand that your emotional processing is different.
0:11:17.85 → 0:11:48.91
The way that you relate to being in relationship versus being alone is totally different. So please don't expect it to look the same and then spin out and make yourself feel awful and really beat yourself up when they behave differently to how you would after a breakup. As I said, it's not comparing apples with apples. It's not a fair comparison. You have imperfect information, so please don't craft these awful, painful personal stories that exacerbate your pain and keep you stuck.
0:11:49.49 → 0:12:15.12
This is a time post breakup where you really need to be kind to yourself be resourcing yourself to feel safe and comforted and supported rather than inadequate and unworthy and doomed to some sort of life of aloneness because there's something wrong with you. There isn't. Breakups are hard. They're always going to be hard, but you will be okay. It's a tunnel with a light at the end of it.
0:12:15.14 → 0:12:49.47
So just be really kind to yourself, take good care of yourself, and trust that you will get through the other side of it. I hope that that's been helpful for the question asker and anyone else who is going through a breakup or has been through a breakup and has told themselves those painful stories about an ex moving on or just seeming fine when they aren't. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating and a review. It really does help so much in getting the word out, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.
0:12:49.55 → 0:12:50.50
Thanks guys.
0:12:52.87 → 0:13:15.40
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#47 ‘We’ve been together a year and I’ve just seen he’s still using Tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?”
"We've been together a year and I've just seen he's still using Tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?" Today's episode is a community Q&A, and I'm answering a hard question about rebuilding after discovering a breach of trust.
Today's episode is a community Q&A, and I'm answering a hard question about rebuilding after discovering a breach of trust.
WHAT WE COVER:
things to look for when deciding whether to stay & rebuild after infidelity
the importance of the other person taking ownership & responsibility for the harm caused
what it really takes to rebuild trust
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
For a deeper dive on deciding whether to stay or go, check out Episode 19 of the show (Should I Stay or Should I Go?).
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:29.13 → 0:00:43.45
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A, and I'm answering the question. We've been together a year, and I've just seen he's still using tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?
0:00:43.95 → 0:01:16.26
So this is a big one, and whoever's question this was, I got this one via Instagram. I'm sending you out a lot of love because obviously that's a pretty shitty situation to be in. So I'm going to be diving into that can trust be rebuilt? And the circumstances under which you might want or not want to go through that process with someone. Some questions to ask yourself, some things to look out for, and some guiding principles in my mind on how to make that decision and how to embark on that process together.
0:01:17.43 → 0:01:47.96
Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review, which says tell everyone you know Stephanie is the voice you've been looking for. She's distilled the weightiness of attachment theory into easy to digest chunks that can be applied to real life immediately. Though I previously felt I understood attachment, I was operating with an incomplete image for the first time. I not only know my attachment style, but what I can do about it to connect and empathise more deeply with those I care about. And honestly, I would listen just for a voice more regulating than any meditation I know.
0:01:48.06 → 0:02:13.73
I've told everyone I know about this podcast, and I think you will, too. It's truly important work, and Stephanie brings wonderful clarity and compassion to this project. Thank you so much for that lovely review. I really do appreciate it, and I appreciate you sharing with the people in your life. Word of mouth goes such a long way for those of us putting our work out into the world and trying to build small businesses, so I really do appreciate it so much.
0:02:13.85 → 0:02:54.16
If that was your review, if you could just send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Another quick announcement is just to let you know that I'm running a flash sale on all of my Master classes and my Higher Love course. So you're able to save 50%, which is the biggest discount I've ever given on these with the code loveyou. One word that includes my better boundaries masterclass, sex and attachment, how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships. Those three are all recordings of Live Masterclasses that I ran late last year.
0:02:54.21 → 0:03:19.88
They're about 2 hours each. And also my Higher Love course, which is a breakup course. It's six modules it's very comprehensive and equips you with everything that you need to get through a breakup and emerge stronger and more confident and more sure of yourself. So all of those are really great options. And as I said, those are the lowest prices that I've ever offered those for.
0:03:19.93 → 0:04:01.02
So if you've been thinking about going deeper with my work, now is a really good time to do that. Okay, so let's dive into this question of can trust be rebuilt after an infidelity, after a betrayal, in this case, having been together for a year and finding out that your partner is still on Tinder. So I think there are a couple of threshold issues here. Obviously, the first one is not can trust be rebuilt, but do I want to rebuild trust? The reality is that, unfortunately, betrayal infidelity dishonesty and relationships is shockingly common.
0:04:01.95 → 0:05:01.84
And unfortunately, it's something that many of us will have to deal with if we haven't already, through the course of our lives and relationships. I think what that means is that in reality, a lot of people do stay together and work through breaches of trust, betrayal, infidelity, and it can be done. I very much believe that it can be done, but I think we also have to be really clear about what that rebuilding process takes because it takes a lot. And in your case, you've been together for a year, and if your partner has been on Tinder that whole time that you've been together, query whether that is a breach of trust that you want to be working through. And I say that with curiosity for you and not knowing any more about the situation than what was included in the question.
0:05:02.37 → 0:05:21.35
Some of the things I'd be looking for personally are what's the context for this? What's the explanation? Did you discover that by sort of seeing the app on their phone? What have you confronted him about it? And if so, what is his explanation
0:05:21.45 → 0:06:12.22
Is he apologetic? Has hed any light on why he decided to do that and what that's actually led to, whether he's been meeting up with people, whether he's been sleeping with people, all of these things. I think we need to understand the gravity of the situation. I think one of the most important things to be considering when thinking about going through that repair process after infidelity is how much responsibility is this person taking? And if their response is to explain, to justify, to defend, to minimise, to downplay the severity of that, to come up with reasons why it's not that bad, that would be a red flag for me.
0:06:12.24 → 0:06:44.93
That would be something that would signal to me they're not really taking this seriously. They're not going to be willing to put in the work that it's going to take to rebuild trust here. And the work that it will take will be big. The reality is that the person who has done that, who has breached trust, has to go over and above to repair. They have to own their mistake, they have to own the consequences of their poor decision and the pain that they've caused.
0:06:45.03 → 0:07:47.85
So they have to be willing to maybe sacrifice some freedoms and some privacy and they have to bear the consequences of you not trusting them for a while, because that is the natural consequence of their behaviour. So if that means that you are uncomfortable with certain things, if you're suspicious, if you want lots of details and you want transparency I think that they need to be open to those conversations and they need to really realise that it's not status quo, it's not ordinary course kind of boundaries and negotiation, that they might not get as much privacy for a period of time because they've lost that right to privacy on account of their behaviour. And it's really on them to help you to be able to trust them again. I think a lot of people are hard on themselves and go, oh, I have trust issues because I was cheated on and that's a me problem. Yes and no, right?
0:07:47.94 → 0:08:27.68
We can do our own work around that, but a lot of it is going to be on the other person to help you to feel safe again, to ask you, what would you need from me by way of behaviour actions? Reassurance accountability in order to know that this isn't going to happen again and that you can trust me. And that needs to be a process that's really led by them. It shouldn't be coming from you, you being the one that's leading the charge on rebuilding the trust. I think they've got to, again, take ownership and responsibility for the harm that they've caused and be the one to lead that process.
0:08:28.37 → 0:09:18.01
So I'd be looking for signs of responsibility, taking signs for acknowledgement of the gravity of what they've done and willingness to engage, to talk about it, to repair. And that takes a lot, right? That's not an easy thing to do because I'm sure that they feel most people would feel a lot of shame and guilt and we tend to shy away from things that leave us in a shame and guilt spiral. That's not nice for anyone to have to sit with and to have to look at the impact that our poor choices have had. The shame that comes with that is not comfortable and so it's going to take a level of emotional maturity on their part to be with their own guilt and shame around what they've done, rather than to shy away from it, to dismiss it, to not want to talk about it.
0:09:18.13 → 0:09:49.11
Because I think for a lot of people, that's what happens, they just don't want to talk about it. They say things like, can't we just move on? Can't we just start fresh? And while we can understand why they would want that, it's really not sensitive to the other person's experience, who has been betrayed, who has had this real breach of trust and all of the pain and hurt that comes with that. So I hope that that gives you something to work with and to think about, things to look for in their response.
0:09:49.53 → 0:10:49.26
And I guess the hard truth is in the absence of those things, in the absence of this person taking responsibility and being willing to go above and beyond, to repair and to sacrifice certain things in order to support you in getting back to a place of trust and safety, then it may be that they're not really ready to be in that kind of relationship. And the hard truth is that it may happen again because if they're not really engaging with the severity and the magnitude of what they've done, and if they're not willing to face their guilt and shame, they're not willing to do the work to inquire around, why did I do that? What drove me to think that that was okay? All of these patterns, so much of the time, infidelity is driven by our own shadow and our own demons. And if someone's not willing to look inside and go, why did I do that?
0:10:49.71 → 0:11:16.82
What drove me to do that? What's going on for me that compelled me to behave in that way, then there's a good chance that it will continue to happen. Because as I said, I think so often infidelity is driven by our own woundedness. And so until they're ready to do the work there, there's a good chance that that will continue to happen. As I said at the start, I'm sending you so much love.
0:11:16.87 → 0:11:33.32
It's not a nice situation to be in. It's painful, it's hard, it's confusing. But I hope that this has given you something to sit with and some support. And I think the most important thing for you is to honour yourself here. Honour what you need.
0:11:33.37 → 0:12:25.27
And try not to agree to something less than what you truly need to rebuild trust just for the sake of holding onto the relationship because that's ultimately going to work against you in the long run, and it's going to cause you more hurt and pain in the long term. So try and stand your ground, try and honour yourself, get really clear around what you would need and then if this person is not able to meet you there, then maybe it's not a relationship worth persisting in and pursuing. I hope that this has been helpful for you. The question asker and for anyone else listening who has wondered about rebuilding trust or has faced a similar situation of infidelity, if it has been helpful, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a rating, a review. As always, it's much appreciated.