#137 Self-Soothing for Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we're talking all about self-soothing and anxious attachment. For most anxiously attached folks, self-soothing and self-regulation can be a real struggle. This typically shows up as an over-reliance on others (often a partner) to be our sole source of safety and reassurance when we experience emotional distress, and an accompanying sense of helplessness and panic if and when they are not available to perform that role.
In today's episode, we're talking all about self-soothing and anxious attachment. For most anxiously attached folks, self-soothing and self-regulation can be a real struggle. This typically shows up as an over-reliance on others (often a partner) to be our sole source of safety and reassurance when we experience emotional distress, and an accompanying sense of helplessness and panic if and when they are not available to perform that role.
We'll cover:
Why anxiously attached people struggle to self-regulate
How an inability to self-soothe impacts our relationships
Mindset shifts and practices to start building your self-soothing toolkit
Learning to Self-Soothe: Navigating Anxious Attachment through Inner Regulation
Self-soothing is an integral skill that plays a pivotal role in how we navigate relationships, especially for those with anxious attachment. Whether it's a relational rupture or a general sense of stress, the ability to self-soothe can significantly impact our well-being and the dynamics in our relationships. In this article, we'll delve into the concept of self-soothing within the context of anxious attachment, understanding its roots, and exploring practical techniques to cultivate this essential skill set.
Understanding Anxious Attachment and Self-Soothing
Anxious attachment often stems from early developmental experiences, influencing our ability to regulate emotions and seek comfort within ourselves. From birth, humans are reliant on caregivers to co-regulate their emotions, creating a sense of safety and security. However, individuals with anxious attachments might have experienced inconsistent or insufficient co-regulation, leading to heightened anxiety and a lack of self-soothing skills.
The Impact of Early Experiences
Our early experiences form the foundation of our attachment styles. If we didn't receive consistent co-regulation as children, it might translate into challenges with self-soothing as adults. Anxious attachment can manifest as a constant need for proximity, reassurance, and fear of abandonment. This often translates into feeling helpless and powerless when facing relational stress or emotional overwhelm. Consequently, it's crucial to acknowledge that struggling with self-soothing isn't a personal shortcoming but rather a developmental outcome with roots in early experiences.
Developing Self-Soothing as a Skill Set
The good news is that self-soothing is a skill that can be nurtured and refined. By understanding the origins of our attachment styles and the impact of early experiences, we can begin the journey of cultivating self-soothing capabilities. By developing this skill set, we empower ourselves to regulate our emotions and find comfort within, complementing the external support we seek from relationships.
Exploring Self-Soothing Techniques
Self-soothing techniques are diverse and unique to each individual, emphasizing the importance of a personalised approach. Practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and sensory grounding exercises can be invaluable tools in managing anxiety and emotional distress. Engaging in movement, whether through exercise or a simple walk, can help dissipate stress energy, promoting a sense of calm and stability. Moreover, utilising the senses, such as touch, taste, and smell, can draw our focus back to the present moment, aiding in emotional regulation.
The Trial and Error of Self-Soothing
As we embark on the journey of enhancing our self-soothing abilities, it's important to adopt an experimental mindset. What works for one person might not necessarily be effective for another. Embracing trial and error fosters a deeper understanding of our individual needs and preferences when it comes to self-soothing. It's about discovering a personalized toolkit of techniques that resonate with us, providing comfort and grounding during moments of distress.
Proactive Self-Soothing Practices
An essential aspect of self-soothing is its proactive application. Rather than viewing it solely as a reactive response to overwhelming emotions, integrating self-soothing into our daily routines and checking in with ourselves elevates its effectiveness. By consistently tending to our emotional well-being, we reduce the likelihood of reaching a tipping point of distress, promoting a sense of control and agency over our internal state.
Cultivating Internal Safety and Reassurance
As we navigate the realms of self-soothing, we embark on a transformational journey of self-care and emotional resilience. Recognising the power we hold to comfort ourselves, we reshape our internal dialogue from helplessness to empowerment. Effectively self-soothing involves creating internal safety and reassurance, bridging the gap between our emotional needs and our capacity to meet them.
In conclusion, the art of self-soothing is an invaluable skill, particularly for individuals navigating anxious attachment. Understanding its roots, embracing diverse techniques, and fostering a proactive approach significantly enhances our emotional well-being and relationship dynamics. By cultivating this essential skill set, we embark on a journey of self-empowerment, inner resilience, and a deeper sense of emotional security within ourselves and our relationships.
Through the lens of self-soothing, we unearth the transformative potential of reclaiming agency over our emotions and nurturing a profound sense of internal safety and reassurance. As we continue to explore the multifaceted layers of self-soothing, may we find solace in the potent ability to comfort and regulate ourselves, transcending the challenges of anxious attachment and anchoring ourselves in a space of emotional resilience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
What does the concept of self-soothing mean to you in the context of relationships and attachment?
Have you ever felt overwhelmed or vulnerable in a relationship due to a lack of self-soothing techniques? How did it affect the relationship?
In what ways do you think your early experiences of co-regulation have influenced your ability to self-soothe as an adult?
What practical self-soothing techniques have you tried in moments of stress or anxiety? How effective were they for you?
Reflect on a recent stressful or anxious moment in a relationship. How did you attempt to self-soothe, and was it successful?
How do you differentiate between self-regulation and co-regulation in your own relationship dynamics? Do you feel more reliant on external reassurance or your own internal soothing mechanisms?
In what ways can you proactively integrate self-soothing practices into your daily life to manage stress and overwhelm before it becomes unmanageable?
Think about a time when you felt a strong need for reassurance and safety from your partner. How can you cultivate that sense of security within yourself through self-soothing?
Consider the impact of self-trust on your ability to self-soothe. How does trusting yourself relate to your capacity for self-regulation and managing anxiety in relationships?
Reflect on how the development of self-soothing skills might influence your experience of anxious attachment and your relationships moving forward.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about self soothing and anxious attachment, which I know is one of those areas that so many people have a hard time with. And, you know, if you are someone who identifies with anxious attachment and self soothing, particularly when there are relational ruptures or other things in that relational field that are causing you stress, you are so far from alone in having a hard time with self soothing. That's very much part of the blueprint of anxious attachment is that that is an underdeveloped skill set. But nevertheless, despite it it being, you know, common or normal among anxious attached, as I know that it can cause a lot of overwhelm and stress and vulnerability in relationships when you are feeling anxious, and you feel like you are kind of powerless to do anything about that, that you don't have any tools to offer yourself, and that you're really at the mercy of something outside of yourself, oftentimes your partner, to provide the safety and reassurance that you need in order to calm yourself down. And obviously, you know, depending on the circumstances, if there's been a rupture or you're otherwise feeling disconnected from your partner, that external reassurance might not always be available and that can lead you into a really challenging, scary spiral of emotions that you don't know how to deal with. So that's a really common experience.
[00:01:57]:
And thankfully there's both an explanation for it and there are absolutely things that you can do to build up that skill set. As with so much of this work, the way that we experience relationships, the things that we struggle with, the ways that we've learned to cope are just that the things that we have learned. And that's really the hopeful piece of all of this is that we can learn other ways to cope or even to thrive, to really take care of ourselves in relationships in a way that is much more mature and grounded and empowering than feeling like, you know, a scared vulnerable child, which I think is often what's lurking underneath. And we'll talk today about why that might be and why that actually makes a lot of sense if that's your experience. So before we dive into today's discussion, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment, my signature course. It's been open for registration with the last week or so, and we've had I don't know what the count is at the moment. I think almost 250 people join, which is amazing as always. So exciting for me to see.
[00:03:02]:
So many people saying yes to doing this work for themselves. There are another couple of days before registration will close for this round. And I'm not quite sure when I'll be reopening it. As many of you would know, I'm having a baby in a few weeks time, which is very exciting. But it also means I'll be taking a step back from running programs for, you know, the next few months at least. So while I will be running the course again, I have no set plans or dates, and it will likely be late this year, if not, maybe next year. So if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are wanting to do something about it and you're wanting a tried and tested framework, definitely check out healing anxious attachment in the next couple of days before registration closes for this round. Okay.
[00:03:50]:
So let's talk about self soothing for anxious attachment. Now I wanna set the scene a little here without going too much into the background, but just to give a bit of context for why anxiously attached people struggle with self soothing. So when we're all born, I said that I was going back a little, didn't I? When we're all born, we don't have the ability to self regulate or self soothe. Human babies are very, very underdeveloped and we have around 25% of our full brain capacity at birth. If you even just think about, you know, other mammals that are much more self sufficient or independent within a few hours of birth than humans are. Human babies are really undergo a whole nother gestation period outside of the womb once they're born, and are utterly dependent and vulnerable on the adults around them for survival. Which is why, you know, these attachment bonds are so vital to our species, and to our programming. That's why they feel so survival driven because they absolutely are.
[00:04:56]:
And there's nothing wrong with that. That's, you know, by design, and it allows us to survive and thrive. Now, in an ideal world, we are lacking that ability to self soothe, self regulate, as babies and infants. We learn that from our parents through co regulation. So we sort of tether to their nervous system and we learn to experience safety via them. So if our caregivers are safe and reliable and consistent and responsive and attuned and, you know, take care of our needs, and we can feel them close, and we don't have, you know, those scary experiences of disconnection and vulnerability at a time when we are so dependent on them. Then eventually we develop a secure attachment, right? We learn that the world is a safe place and we we with others. That's the ideal.
[00:05:56]:
Unfortunately, a lot of us didn't get, you know, enough of that safe co regulation or we didn't get it consistently enough, or there were other things going on such that, commonly happens, the typical origin story when we're talking about, you know, co regulation, self regulation, is that you received enough safe co regulation to know what it feels like and to know that that's what you want and need. But you may not have gotten it consistently or reliably enough to be able to depend on it. And so you become very hyper aware of the need for that co regulation in order to survive and you develop anxiety around the possible loss of that connection, that coregulation, you know it not being available to you when you need it, and so you become hyper fixated on holding onto it at all times. Right? And you might be starting to see how this pieces together with the anxious attachment that you experience as an adult is I only feel safe and reassured when we're connected. And so because I'm so frightened about the possibility of you not being there when I need you, I don't want to even entertain that possibility. So I want to keep you really close. And I become very hyper vigilant to any possible threats to that connection. Anything that could take you away from me.
[00:07:18]:
So for the anxiously attached baby child, what tends to happen is because you're so focused and fixated on this need for closeness and, you know, the separation anxiety that can come alongside that is that the self regulation piece tends to get a little neglected or underdeveloped. And, you know, that neglect or lack of development of that skill set can then, you know, follow through to your development. And even as an adult, you can find that you maybe lack that skill set. You don't have that felt experience of being able to soothe and comfort yourself because it's just not something that you ever really learned how to do. If we briefly contrast that in this episode isn't really about the avoidant attachment experience, but just because it's interesting, what we can see is for avoidantly attached folks, often they didn't have enough safe co regulation to begin with, that they never really learned to reach for it or they learned not to reach for it. They actually learned to not need it, to shut themselves off from it and to over index on self regulation, to become really, really reliant on their ability to create safety for themselves without connection to other. And so, whereas anxiously attached people tend to be you know, overly focused on co regulation from a really survival driven place, to the detriment of their ability to self regulate, we can see that avoidant folks tend to go the other way. So they don't really know how to safely co regulate with others or maybe, you know, co regulating, connecting with others just isn't synonymous with safety in their system because they never had that imprint.
[00:09:03]:
You know, they tend to be really overly focused on self regulation, self soothing as their way of creating safety whenever they feel threatened or overwhelmed. So that's a bit of a backdrop of, you know, why you're not just, you know, crazy or pathetic or stupid or desperate. If you're someone with anxious attachment and you really struggle to self regulate, this goes back a long way and you may just not have had the early experiences that you needed enough of the time in order to develop that skillset. Now, as I said, the great thing about all of this is that it is a set of skills and it is something that we can learn and practice and cultivate within ourselves in that inner relationship so that we feel more resource. We feel like we have things that we can reach for in those moments of overwhelm, of stress, of anxiety, rather than defaulting back to this helpless child kind of energy of, you know, I'm panicked. And it's almost like if you, you know, ever got lost in a department store or a supermarket or something, that panic sense of, like, I can't find my parent. Where are they? You know, I feel so scared and vulnerable. What am I gonna do? And you do have that very visceral fear and helplessness.
[00:10:18]:
I think for anxiously attached people in relationships, if something feels threatening, if something feels overwhelming, it can have a very similar emotional imprint to those kinds of experiences of like sheer panic, and separation anxiety that you may have experienced when you're a kid. So what do we do about all of this now? I can't even begin in a short podcast episode to give you the full download on self soothing tools and tips for anxious attachment. It's something that I go into a lot of detail in in my course. I think there's, you know, a couple of hours of video trainings just on your nervous system and self soothing in its own module because it really is that foundational to this whole process. And it requires, you know, a lot of unpacking. But what we can do is start to understand that I think this is really important. There are so many things that I could give you in terms of, like, things that you can do and try to, you know, regulate your system. So things like breathing techniques, things like stretching, other ways to activate your body and to create safety in your body when you're feeling overwhelmed.
[00:11:29]:
And knowing, like, based on where my nervous system's at, if I'm feeling like an 8 out of 10, what kind of tool would I reach for in that setting? Versus if I'm feeling like at a 4 out of 10. If I'm feeling very, very anxious, I'm gonna reach for something different than if I'm feeling, you know, depressed and vacant. And it's actually about trial and error and figuring that out for yourself in large part, knowing what tools work for you and knowing that there are things that you can do and offer to yourself at any moment. Things that take 2 seconds and things that might take an hour. So, you know, something that might be appropriate if you're sitting at your desk at work might not be appropriate in another setting and vice versa. So a huge part of doing this work and learning to self regulate, to self soothe, is knowing that you have so many options and and really equipping yourself with as many tools as you can, so that you feel spoiled for choice almost. Right? I often say to people, to students and clients that like the number of times throughout the day where I will pause and check-in with myself and go, what do I need? If I'm noticing that I'm even a little bit dysregulated or scattered or, you know, just don't really feel grounded and kind of in my my window of tolerance, if you're familiar with that term, I'll stop and I'll go, what do I need? And maybe it's just, you know, getting up and stretching or walking outside and having some fresh air, maybe it's getting a glass of water, Maybe it's lighting a candle. Maybe it's changing the music that I'm listening to or going from listening to nothing to listening to something or vice versa.
[00:13:11]:
Again, it's just tweaking what is going on around me, my environment, both internal and external, in order to bring myself back into more regulation and presence and groundedness. And ideally, what we want is for this to become a practice that is not only an emergency response, which I think is how so many people I mean, certainly when I'm getting questions from people about self soothing, it's almost always like, you know, give me the fire extinguisher so I can put out this, you know, big burning fire of my overwhelming emotions when it gets too much. And of course, yes, we wanna be able to resource ourselves when our emotions get very big and very overwhelming and it, you know, shows up as panic or, you know, a big anxiety spin out. Yes, we wanna have tools for that, but we also wanna be constantly in this process of turning towards ourselves and checking in, so that we don't get to that boiling point as often. And we're really actually just checking in with ourselves throughout the day every day so that we're staying grounded and anchored rather than, not really noticing until it all gets too much. And then we have the big blow up and we feel like we're not in control of ourselves anymore. Because I think that's what happens for a lot of people, when, you know, self regulation, self care is treated as, only a reactive thing rather than a proactive thing. You know, it's something I do when I'm burnt out or when I have a panic attack, you know, in the same way that, hopefully, you treat your health as something to be proactively managed.
[00:14:53]:
So too should you be treating, you know, your nervous system health and your mental well-being, your emotional well-being as something to be proactively taken care of rather than only something to, you know, pull out the the emergency response for when it all gets too much. So to give you a few specific things for self soothing, for anxious attachment and, you know, again, I think that like the actual tools that you'll use will vary from person to person. But it really is anything that can bring you back into presence. Okay? Because when we are in that stress response, when we're in a threat response, we tend to spin out and everything becomes very global and catastrophic. And it's not just right here, right now. What do I know to be true? Where am I? You know, am I safe? There's this sense of like everything is doomed and I'm going to be alone forever. And, you know, it's not just I can't reach my partner right now. It's, you know, they're having an affair or they're cheating on me, and they've been lying to me about everything.
[00:15:57]:
And, you know, all of this stuff that catastrophising can be very intense and very persuasive. So, I think recognising that when you're in that state, the state of your nervous system is going to dictate the thoughts and feelings that you are having. And so working with your body, 1st and foremost, and with your nervous system to try and bring down the heat or bring down the pressure is a really good starting point, rather than just trying to outthink those big scary thoughts. I think a lot of the time, something as simple as going for a walk or a run, moving your body when we have that amount of, you know, stressy energy, when we've got that amount of activation in our system, Just trying to calm ourselves down can actually be counterproductive because we've already got the adrenaline going, and just trying to switch it off or dull it. It's already kind of pumping through you, so sometimes actually leaning into that, and, you know, shaking or moving or walking or going to the gym. You know, if you're someone who already enjoys exercise, you'll know that the the feeling after a work out is often a very calm and grounded one, because you've cleared out a lot of that sympathetic activation, that stress energy. So anything to do with movement is good. Anything that feels grounding using your senses.
[00:17:23]:
So again, when we're really in that spinning out place and we're really feeling not grounded, bringing ourselves back to, you know, where am I? What can I touch? What can I smell? What can I taste? What can I hear listening to music or, you know, some sort of like, even meditation tracks or binaural, sounds, binaural beats? I love listening to stuff like that. I find it very grounding. But again, it's really about learning to match your tools to your state. And something that works for me when I'm at a 5 out of 10 might be absolutely not helpful for you at all if you're at a 5 out of 10. And so it's like, can I experiment with this and almost play with it? Going, oh, like, what helps to bring me back into my body? What helps to bring me back into a little bit more safety and space and groundedness, based on how I'm feeling and where I'm at? And that really is a bit of trial and error, but it's, you know, an incredibly empowering process for you to go through to start figuring out what that might look like for you. And just even the process of turning towards yourself and going, okay, what do I need? That in and of itself is really, really powerful in rewiring that experience of I am helpless and there's nothing I can do, because you're acknowledging and asking that question of like how what can I offer to myself? You're already acknowledging that, like, you care and you are there and you are attuned and responsive, and you are going to be able to take action to support yourself. And even being able to do that can shift you out of that sense of helplessness and, you know, despair and overwhelm and frozenness that you might otherwise be feeling when you're in that state of, you know, really panicking trigger activation about something in your relationship. So I hope that that has been helpful in in giving you a bit of a sense of what we're talking about with self soothing.
[00:19:19]:
I know that, you know, some of you will be wanting a formula. And as much as I could give you that, I don't think it's actually what you need. I know that's an annoying answer. But as with all of these things, I think so much of the process and particularly around something is foundational to our relationship with self as self soothing and self regulation. So much of it is that process of getting to know yourself and not having it dictated to you the things that you need to do, because that actually cultivates more of a reliance on something outside of yourself. So if I just tell you exactly what to do and then, you know, you do it and it doesn't work for you, then you come back and go, well, now what do I do? Right? There's still that sense of dependency and helplessness. So it's actually much more empowering and helpful, for you to go through that process of figuring it out for yourself. Of course, with the guidelines of you know, some of those foundational tools around bringing more regulation into the body, you know, movement, sound, breath, senses, all of those things that we know are really good for grounding the nervous system.
[00:20:27]:
So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if you want to do a really deep dive on this and and everything else to do with anxious attachment, definitely jump into the course before registration closes in a couple days' time. We've also got a live Q and A with me later this week, which is obviously a great opportunity if you're interested. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:54]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, self soothing, anxious attachment, relationship coach, insecurity, thriving relationships, co regulation, anxious attached, relational ruptures, vulnerability, relationship, secure attachment, nervous system, nervous system health, emotional well-being, self regulation, grounding, nervous system, breath, senses, mental well-being, proactive self-care, panic attack, emotional well-being, emotional imprint, avoidant attachment, self-dependent.
#124 On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
Trust and Vulnerability: Choosing to Embrace the Risk
In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, trust is the golden thread that holds everything together. It's the foundation upon which we build connections that feel peaceful, secure, and authentic. However, the vulnerability of trust and the associated fear and uncertainty can often leave us in a state of hesitation. In this episode, we delve into the complex interplay between trust, risk, and vulnerability and explore the empowering act of choosing trust in our relationships, despite the absence of guarantees.
The Collision of Fear and Trust
At the heart of the matter lies the collision between fear and trust. Our innate fear seeks certainty - a safeguard against the unknown and the uncontrollable. It recoils from the murky grey areas of uncertainty, striving to derisk every aspect of our lives in pursuit of a guaranteed shield against potential harm. This desire to eliminate risk roots itself deeply in our behaviours, particularly for those who grapple with anxious attachment. The perpetual quest to preemptively avert any potential harm leads to hyper-vigilance, the need for constant reassurance, and a pervasive sense of mistrust.
The Illusion of Control
However, the irony lies in the ineffectiveness of these controlling behaviours. While they stem from a well-intentioned drive to protect oneself, they can inadvertently sabotage the very connections we seek to preserve. The relentless pursuit of certainty and the hyper-focus on potential problems obscure the true essence of our relationships, overshadowing the joy and positivity that exists within them. It's akin to grappling with a rope tied to an immovable brick wall – a futile exertion of energy that only serves to drain us further.
The Liberating Truth
Amidst the turmoil of uncertainty, a liberating truth emerges – there are no guarantees in love and relationships. Love, by its very nature, is inherently vulnerable and risky. No matter how much we delve into the realms of control, the unpredictability of life remains unscathed. Embracing this reality can be both terrifying and empowering. It entails acknowledging that while we cannot foresee the future or prevent hurt, we do have the agency to choose our approach to trust.
Choosing Trust as an Action
Rather than waiting for a sense of trust to manifest as a feeling, we can actively choose trust as an intentional action. This perspective reframes trust as a conscious decision we make, irrespective of the lingering uncertainties. It's a shift from the arduous pursuit of an elusive feeling to embracing trust as a deliberate and open-hearted choice. This shift in mindset allows us to release the need for absolute certainty, liberating ourselves from the exhausting burden of attempting to control the uncontrollable.
The Path to Embracing Vulnerability
By acknowledging that trust is not risk-free, we set ourselves on a path of embracing vulnerability. We accept that trust involves inherent risks and uncertainties, transcending the paralysing grip of suspicion and fear. This realisation empowers us to relinquish the need for constant vigilance and control. It enables us to tread towards open-hearted trust, creating an environment that fosters joy, peace, and gratitude within our relationships.
Conclusion
In the intricate dance of trust, risk, and vulnerability, the power to choose trust emerges as a transformative force. By shedding the weight of futile control, we liberate ourselves to embrace the vulnerability of trust. As we navigate the complexities of human connections, our agency to consciously choose trust becomes our compass, leading us towards authentic, thriving relationships. In this pursuit, we unearth the freedom to release the grip of fear, fostering an environment that nurtures connection, empathy, and genuine understanding – one intentional choice at a time.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when your fear of uncertainty and unpredictability influenced your behaviour in a relationship. How did this fear impact your ability to trust and be vulnerable?
Consider the concept of risk in relationships. Do you tend to view risk as inherently negative? How can embracing the vulnerability of trust lead to growth and connection in relationships, despite the inherent risks involved?
Have you experienced a situation where your efforts to control and avoid potential hurt in a relationship led to unintended negative consequences? What did you learn from this experience?
How does the pursuit of certainty and guarantees in relationships affect your ability to experience joy and peace? Can you recall times when letting go of the need for certainty brought unexpected positive outcomes?
Have you ever struggled with waiting to feel trust before extending trust in a relationship? How might the act of choosing trust as an action, rather than waiting for a feeling, shift your approach to building trust in your relationships?
Think about past experiences where fear and suspicion overshadowed the goodness in your relationships. How might adopting a more open-hearted approach to trust enhance your ability to appreciate and nurture the positive aspects of your relationships?
Consider the phrase "I have trust issues." How might reframing this as "I am choosing to trust" empower you to shift your relationship with trust? What challenges might arise in making this shift, and how do you think could overcome them?
Explore the idea of self-trust and its connection to trusting others. How does your level of self-trust impact your capacity to extend trust to others? In what ways could developing self-trust enhance your ability to choose trust in your relationships?
Reflect on the notion of relinquishing control in relationships. How might releasing the metaphorical "rope" of control and embracing vulnerability free up emotional energy and create space for deeper connection and personal growth?
Finally, consider the impact of fear and hyper-vigilance on your well-being and relationships. Can you pinpoint instances where suspicion and fear overshadowed your ability to experience peace? How might choosing trust over fear contribute to your overall sense of well-being in relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about trust and the vulnerability of trust, and yet its absolute importance if we want to build secure relationships that feel peaceful and connected and not riddled with fear. So today's episode is going to be a short and sweet one, and I apologise that it's a couple of days later than it would usually be. I'd actually recorded a whole different episode on breakups and discovered that when I went to edit it, there had been a tech issue and half of it had been lost. So I was back to the drawing board and decided to pivot and talk about something different. So I wanted to share some thoughts on this topic today because it came up from a question from a client, and I think it's a question that really will resonate with so many people.
[00:01:20]:
People who struggle with anxious attachment, people who struggle with trusting that someone could really be interested in them, trusting in the reliability of a connection, that something bad isn't always lurking around the corner. And when we notice those fears coming up and all the behaviours, it can drive us to really being able to consciously reframe the way we think about trust and empowering ourselves to choose trust rather than to wait to feel it. That's what I really want to share about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to very quickly share and thank you all because we just crossed over 3 million downloads on the podcast at the start of this year, when I'd set some goals, I put down a goal of 2 million downloads for the podcast by the end of the year. And at the time of doing that, in the beginning of January, we had about 500,000. We just crossed over 500,000 downloads. So to be sitting here on the 22 December with 3 million downloads is pretty incredible. And I'm just so, so grateful for all of you, your ongoing support, whether this is the first episode you've ever listened to, or whether you've been here since the beginning.
[00:02:37]:
Thank you. Thank you for listening, for your beautiful reviews and shares and reflections, for the messages you send me. I feel really, really honoured and humbled that I get to do this and impact so many people all over the world with this work. So a big thank you from me. So let's talk about this. Let's talk about trust and vulnerability. Now, I think what's so important to understand is there's this tension between trust and vulnerability and fear and uncertainty, right? And our fear wants certainty always. Our fear doesn't like the murky grey space of I don't know what's going to happen and I'm not in control.
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And yet that is fundamental to the nature of trust and the vulnerability of trust. Right? Our fear wants us to derisk everything to the point where we have all but a guarantee that nothing bad is going to happen. Right?
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That's what so many of our behaviours in relationship. If you're someone who struggles with anxiety and struggles with trust, so many of our behaviours come down to that quest to eliminate risk and to make sure that we don't get hurt, when really we can never do that. And ironically, so many of those behaviours that we might engage in in furthering that end actually have the opposite effect, in that we might undermine a connection or we might drive someone away, when really there wasn't whatever problem existed in the first place. Maybe there wasn't one, maybe it was sort of a figment of our imagination, or maybe it wasn't as big as it felt to us, because our fear will always magnify these things and catastrophize and make us believe that something relatively minor or easy to work through is actually doomsday scenario. Everything's going to fall to a million pieces. So recognising that, oftentimes, while our fear has the best of intentions, and it absolutely does, right, this is not something to shame ourselves over and to say, oh, I just wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't so afraid or untrusting or anxious, really, that part of you is working overtime to try and keep you safe, and that's a beautiful thing. But the problem is, it can often have the effect of almost becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. If you're constantly on the lookout for something bad that's going to happen and you're always testing someone or asking them for more and more and more reassurance, that behaviour can have the effect of driving people away because it can lead them to feel accused or like they're not being trusted, when they haven't done anything wrong, and all of those things.
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So recognising that, recognising this complex interplay between fear and trust and vulnerability and uncertainty and I suppose recognising the simple truth, which I find to be quite liberating, you might find it to be terrifying, but hopefully you find some liberation in it, is that there are no guarantees. And love is inherently risky and vulnerable. And no matter what you do, no matter how much information you gather, no matter how many questions you ask or how much snooping you engage in, no matter what someone says to you or doesn't say to you, there are still no guarantees that you won't get hurt, that they won't leave you, that you won't get rejected, that you'll live happily ever after. There are no guarantees. Anything could happen. It's outside of our control or our ability to predict. And so really all we can do is choose. How do I want to show up today? How do I want to be today, knowing that's what's within my control? Now, this doesn't mean being blind as to circumstances that are not working for us.
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If there are known breaches of trust and we know that's impacting our sense of safety in the relationship, if there are problematic behaviours that we're clearly not comfortable with, in no way am I suggesting that you just put your blinders on and keep choosing to trust and trust and trust. But in the absence of those things, and if it's just this lingering sense of worry or anxiety that something bad could happen, then I'd really encourage you to see that for what it is, to recognise that, yes, your fear is trying to keep you safe. But at the same time, safe probably means disconnected. And safe probably means living in this unrealistic, illusory world where you have certainty and it's just not attainable, it's not compatible with the vulnerability of being in relationship. Because relationships are vulnerable and they do involve risks and unknowns and uncertainty. But when we make our peace with that and we realise what is actually within our control, then it's a huge relief to our system because we're working overtime to try and control things that we can't. And that is really exhausting. And it really does block connection, it really does keep us so stuck in fear.
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And I think, most importantly, it stops us from seeing all the good in our relationship because we're so laser focused on magnifying the bad and on scrutinising every little thing that could become a problem in the future. We miss a lot of the goodness that's in front of us and that's a real shame because that's the stuff that we need to be, not only seeing and appreciating and soaking up and receiving, but actively nurturing. And there tends not to be a lot of space or capacity in our system to do that when we're so clouded by fear. So all of that to say, what I really want to emphasise for you, is that rather than waiting for trust to arrive as some sort of feeling, right, and I get so many questions like this, I'm not sure if I can trust them. How will I know if I trust them? I get the same questions about love. How do I know if I love someone? How do I know if I'm in love? I think we really rack our brains trying to decipher how will I know when I have a feeling or if I don't have a feeling? How do I make myself have a feeling, or I do have a feeling, and how do I make myself stop having a feeling? And I think that that's a pretty futile exercise most of the time, partly because it means something different to all of us. What you're saying when you ask me how do I know if I'm in love with someone, it might be completely different for you than it is for me. And it is so abstract and subjective.
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But more than that, even if we did have some sort of universal, clear definition of those things, which we don't, trying to force a feeling one way or the other, trying to force ourselves to feel something that we don't, or trying to force ourselves to not feel something that we do, usually doesn't work very well. And I'm sure if you've tried that, you would know that that tends not to be very effective. And if anything, just causes us more stress because we're kind of pushing against what is within ourselves. So rather than trying to force a feeling of trust, or wait for a feeling of trust before you extend an action of trust or create an environment of trust in your relationship, what would it be like to treat trust as an action that you can choose? Right. Trust is a choice that I make. This is something that has been really helpful for me in my current relationship and previous relationships. There was this sense of either I can be in hyper vigilance and I can be in this mode of waiting for something bad to happen and being on the lookout for that, and being in this sort of anticipatory, braced position, or I can just let go and I can choose to trust. And either way, I can't prevent something bad from happening. Right?
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But I know what it costs me to do the former thing rather than the latter thing on a day to day basis in my relationship. I know what it costs me to not trust, to not choose trust, because it is not a very nice internal experience for me and it doesn't create a very nice relational environment as between me and a partner, to be in that mode of anxiety and mistrust and seeking to control things that I can't so recognising either way. And again, I hope this is liberating, but it might be really terrifying. You can engage in all of the controlling behaviours that you want, all of the snooping and the detective playing and the seeking reassurance and the testing. And even still, it is not going to change whether or not you can trust your partner, right? It's not going to change whether something bad happens or not. You can't derisk with those sorts of controlling behaviours, but you can cause a lot of damage to yourself and to your relationship. So what would it be like if you just chose to trust and to let go? It's sort of like I heard a visual on another podcast and I can't remember exactly where it was, but it's sort of this image of imagining a brick wall with a rope attached to it. And you're just spending all day long pulling on this rope that's clearly not going anywhere, right? It's fixed to a brick wall.
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What would it be like to just let go? And how much energy would that free up? How much space would you create to do other things and to feel other things, to receive other things, if you weren't spending so much time pulling on that rope? So something to think about. Trust is not risk free. In fact, it always involves risk. So rather than waiting to feel trust in a way that feels completely safe and risk free because you probably will never get there, can you instead step towards the vulnerability of choosing trust, knowing that either way, you cannot control the outcome, you cannot predict the future? There are no guarantees, but you have a much greater chance of finding joy and peace and gratitude today and tomorrow and the next day if you are living from an open hearted place of trust, rather than a closed hearted place of suspicion and fear and hyper vigilance and aversion to any risk or vulnerability. So I hope that that has given you something to think about and has been a helpful reframe on something that a lot of us, I think, struggle with. And it is a struggle. I'm not saying it isn't. I'm not saying that you just flip a switch and all of a sudden your quote, unquote trust issues are going to dissolve into a puddle but I think it's a much more empowering way to relate to trust than just telling ourselves, well, I have trust issues, or I'm not good at that, or how do I know if I can trust someone? Just choosing, right? Just choosing and seeing what happens, I think is a really beautiful, freeing way to approach it.
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So I hope that you all have a really beautiful holiday season spending time with whoever you're spending time with. Stay safe, take good care of yourselves, and I will see you again next week for our last episode of the year, which is very, very exciting. Thank you again for all of your support. I'm so grateful for you have a beautiful, festive season, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I.
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Hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, trust, vulnerability, secure relationships, fear, anxiety, insecure attachment, reliability, connection, breakups, fear in relationships, gratitude, trust issues, love, control, certainty, risk, uncertainty, choosing trust, suspicion, hyper vigilance, open hearted trust, joy in relationships, peace in relationships, holiday season, festive season, self care, Instagram, podcast, reviews