#51 How to Initiate Hard Conversations with an Avoidant Partner
In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing tips for initiating hard conversations with an avoidant partner. This is a question I get a lot - how to express needs to an avoidant partner, how to set boundaries, how to share feedback. These conversations are already intimidating for many anxiously attached folks, and when combined with the sensitivities of the avoidant partner, can be a perfect storm.
In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing tips for initiating hard conversations with an avoidant partner.
This is a question I get a lot - how to express needs to an avoidant partner, how to set boundaries, how to share feedback. These conversations are already intimidating for many anxiously attached folks, and when combined with the sensitivities of the avoidant partner, can be a perfect storm.
WHAT WE COVER:
how to set yourself up for success in initiating hard conversations
the importance of a regulated nervous system
tips for reaching a mutually beneficial outcome
how to cultivate greater safety during conflict & challenging conversations
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.17 → 0:01:03.89
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of how do I initiate hard conversations with my avoidant partner? So this is a question that I get variations on all the time, this question of how do I bring up my needs with an avoidant partner, how do I share how I'm feeling or share feedback with an avoidant partner without scaring them away? And so I know that it's something that a lot of people struggle with, obviously oftentimes more anxious leaning people struggle with.
0:01:04.00 → 0:02:03.11
And I think that that comes from a confluence of factors. It's not only that avoidant leaning partners can be sensitive to criticism and to those conversations and might have resistance to them. But I think we also need to acknowledge that the starting point for more anxious leaning people is really struggling to take up space, to find their voice, to advocate for themselves, to express needs, to express boundaries. So we find this kind of double edged sword of it being already really intimidating a concept for an anxious person, and then sometimes not being met with the response that you might have hoped for from a more avoidant leaning partner. So it can lead to these really negative cycles, these downward spirals in the relationship whereby it quickly devolves into kind of attack, defend, shut down escalation.
0:02:03.29 → 0:02:53.06
And obviously nothing good comes of that kind of dynamic. It becomes very ineffective very quickly and whatever underlying issues or things needed to be talked about tend to just remain unaddressed and fester until the next time that someone gets triggered and it all becomes a bit more amplified and disregulated. And we all know how that story ends. So in this episode, I'm going to be giving you some really practical, straightforward, easy to implement tips on how you can set yourself up for success in initiating and then having hard conversations with a more avoided leaning partner. And I will say at the outset that this is really best practise for initiating a hard conversation with anyone.
0:02:53.67 → 0:03:44.98
It's not just an avoidant thing. But I think we can acknowledge that there can be sensitivity from more avoidant leaning people on having conversations that they anticipate, might be emotionally dense, or might be an opportunity for their partner to criticise them, to blame them, to tell them all the things that they're not doing right, because they do have heightened sensitivity around that. So, as I said, applicable for everyone, but especially helpful if you are a more anxious leaning person in relationship with a more avoidant leaning person. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements you may have heard me earlier in the week, announce that The Waitlist is now open for healing anxious attachment. Probably got about 150 people on the Waitlist in the last couple of days, which is amazing.
0:03:45.43 → 0:04:10.34
If you want to join the Waitlist, the next round of the programme will be opening for enrollment next month and The Waitlist entitles you to a discount and first access. So jump on the waitlist. That's all in the show notes. If you want to cheque out the course when it opens next month, the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. It's quite a long one, so I'm going to give you a shortened version.
0:04:10.48 → 0:04:33.74
It says, I've been going through a really tough year and I've sampled many relationship podcasts for ideas and advice. When I came across on Attachment, I immediately knew I'd stumbled upon a gem. When I listen, I feel as if Stephanie speaking directly to me, directly to my experience. A recent episode, My ex moved on immediately and I can't help but take it personally, was filled with so much needed insight that I was shocked at how much it applied to my situation. I listened to it twice in a row.
0:04:33.80 → 0:04:43.23
Amazing. Thank you, Stephanie. I look forward to hearing each and every episode as I journey towards healing and self improvement. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:04:43.32 → 0:05:15.63
If that was your review. If you just send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com, my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into how to initiate hard conversations with an avoidant partner. So I'm going to give you six tips or steps here. But before I do that, I just want to offer you an overarching piece of guidance, let's say, which is it's really, really important that your partner feels that they have choice.
0:05:16.45 → 0:06:15.56
Again, this is not just an avoidant thing, but it's especially important for an avoidant person because when we feel at a nervous system level, like we don't have choice, like we're trapped, like we're stuck, like we're being controlled, we go very quickly into fear and self protection. So throughout all of these, you'll notice that choice is really important and that's a really important thing to bear in mind. What we really want to avoid is any sense of forcing someone, coercing someone into having a conversation that they're not in a position to have. Because as much as that might seem frustrating or unfair to you, you're never going to get what you need. If you are forcing someone to have a conversation against their will because they are already back up against the wall, they're already in a state of disregulation and fear and self protection.
0:06:15.67 → 0:06:46.06
And whatever outcome you're hoping for, which I assume is something connective and growth oriented, is really, really hard to achieve in that state. You can think about it like the gates are already shut once they're in that state of Dysregulation. So we really want to get ourselves set up well for success here and start on the right foot. So with that being said, step one, make sure that you ask for permission when you want to have a hard conversation. Again, this goes for everyone.
0:06:46.11 → 0:07:32.11
This is just really good Practise. So rather than just saying we need to talk, or launching straight into whatever it is you want to say, lead with, hey, do you have time to talk at some point today? There's something that I'd like to chat to you about or there's something I'd like to share or whatever it is right, but saying when suits you to have a chat and waiting for their response, so it might not be right then and right there. And you as a more anxious leaning person may struggle with that because there tends to be, on the anxious side a lot of urgency around whatever is arising in you, whatever emotion is present. It's like it has to be right now and we need to talk about it and we need to fix it immediately or else it's not going to be okay.
0:07:32.18 → 0:08:16.57
Because I'm probably overheating on the inside in this state of high anxiety and panic, and that is a very urgent state. But we need to recognise that coming at someone with that energy of urgency and intensity again, is not going to be a good starting point for conversation. So asking for permission when suits you to have a conversation. And if they say, I'm a little busy at the moment or I'm tired right now, you kind of have to respect that. I'll add that if they just say, oh, I don't know, full stop and don't give you anything back, then you can proceed to set a boundary and say, well, can you please let me know when soothes over the next day or two?
0:08:16.64 → 0:09:06.99
Because this is important to me and you want to have some sort of resolution there. Because I think if it is left open, there's a good chance that you're going to continue to bubble away and escalate your own internal emotional state, which again is going to be detrimental to the conversation when you eventually have it. So get some clarity around when you're going to have the conversation, but also be open to that not being immediately given that that does fall into that category of kind of forcing or coercing someone to have a conversation when it suits you. Okay, the next tip is regulate yourself. So try as much as possible to be kind of relaxed and regulated and calm and grounded and clear all of those good words when you go into this conversation.
0:09:07.09 → 0:09:47.12
Now, that will be hard for a lot of anxious leaning people, particularly if you're nervous about the conversation, particularly if you've had similar conversations in the past that haven't gone terribly well. And so you're kind of subconsciously bracing for conflict or bracing for pushback or defensiveness or whatever else. But just know that if you're in that really constricted state where you are kind of braced, your partner is going to read that before you even open your mouth. Your nervous systems are just going to clock onto each other. And again, it's like your animals in in threat mode when that happens.
0:09:47.22 → 0:10:30.70
And it's really, really hard to have a productive, empathetic, nuanced, you know, multiple perspectives conversation where you can be collaborative and find your way to a mutually agreeable resolution. Really hard to do that when you're both in fear. So try as much as possible to regulate yourself. Maybe that looks like going for a walk or a run before the conversation, doing some other thing that brings your system down to a level of relative regulation, calm, groundedness, so that you're not teetering on the edge at the very outset of the conversation. The next tip is to be both clear and open minded.
0:10:30.81 → 0:11:09.44
Okay? So clear in the sense of I know what I want to share and say I've reflected on that, I've got clarity around what the essence of my concern is. So I'm not just going to go in there and spew out all of this jumbled, highly emotional stream of consciousness stuff that's going to get in the way of what I'm really trying to articulate. So I've taken responsibility for sifting through all of my own stories and emotions and triggers and I've gotten to the heart of what I need to share. So I'm clear around that and at the same time, be open.
0:11:09.57 → 0:11:50.99
Open minded, not overly rigid, not reading off a mental script and needing to get something specific back from them. Because I think that when we go in with that level of expectation and control, then it's really hard for us to be flexible around where the conversation goes. And again, if we're really looking to get to a mutually agreeable outcome, we do need to recognise that we're not the only person in the equation and that we need to have a level of openness and curiosity about the other person's perspective. So be both clear and open minded. Be open to something happening that you've never contemplated before.
0:11:51.06 → 0:12:33.00
I think so many of us go, oh, I know exactly how they're going to respond and I know if I say that, then they'll say that. And maybe that the more you go into it with that expectation, I promise you're just going to get that. You're going to get that back because there's no space for anything different when you are in that really narrow tunnel visioned kind of mindset around these conversations. And again, your nervous system is just conveying so much information to their nervous system that it becomes this self fulfilling prophecy and again, you eliminate the possibility of other outcomes. Okay, the next tip is to keep it to one issue.
0:12:33.13 → 0:13:09.99
I think the tendency with a lot of anxious people is I suppress everything. I don't talk about it, I don't talk about my feelings. And then as soon as I get a window of opportunity, I come out with my long list of complaints that I have been keeping a lid on. And so I might start with, you were late home last night and end up over here with ten different issues. And as much as it feels really important to share those things, and I know that it's hard to ask for the conversation, so once you've done that, it's really tempting to just lay everything on the table.
0:13:10.57 → 0:13:20.79
It feels like an onslaught for the other person. Imagine it. It's like you're sitting there and suddenly there's like 20 arrows flying at you. And what are you going to do? You're going to duck for cover?
0:13:20.91 → 0:13:41.90
You're going to get defensive and protective because that's a lot to receive. So try and keep it to one issue. Remind your sister, this isn't the last conversation I ever get to have with this person. Again, when we're in fear, it all becomes very global and extreme. I've got to talk about it now because it feels extremely important and urgent.
0:13:42.04 → 0:14:34.08
Just keep it to one issue, I promise you'll, at least then have a much better shot at getting that one issue resolved. Whereas if you start to bring in the shopping list of all of the other things, then there's a really good chance none of it will get resolved and you'll be more disconnected as a result. The next tip is to be prepared to take a break if needed. This is really standard advice I give to everyone when we're talking about conflict and relationships, but it's particularly important for anxious avoidant couples if you get dysregulated, meaning if one or both of you is starting to exhibit signs of a stress response and it's getting in the way of your conversation being productive, take a break. There's no use in proceeding and trying to push through that because you are just pushing yourselves into a more heightened emotional state.
0:14:34.13 → 0:14:52.20
And again, nothing good comes of it. You're not going to get the outcome that you want from that place. So be prepared to take a break, to slow down, to pause, to take space from each other. Let's take 20 minutes to cool down and then come back to the conversation. So be prepared to do that.
0:14:52.25 → 0:15:13.48
Again, for the anxious person, that's hard because you feel like they're running away from the conversation. You feel like they're trying to kind of emotionally abandon you is often the feeling that when you're really upset, they want to pull away and withdraw. So please know that them needing to do that is about regulating themselves. It's actually not about you. They're not running away from you.
0:15:13.50 → 0:15:54.95
They're sort of retreating to their safe place. And as frustrating as that is, it's actually in the best interest of the relationship and the conversation. So be prepared to take a break if needed, obviously with the intention of returning to the conversation when the heat has come down a little. And the last tip is just to appreciate and acknowledge their willingness to be uncomfortable. So if you do have this conversation and you manage to kind of get to a resolution, get to an end point, really express your appreciation, say, I know that these conversations are hard for you, so I really appreciate you sticking it out, and you being willing to talk through this stuff with me because it means a lot to me, and I really, really appreciate it.
0:15:55.04 → 0:16:29.06
And that kind of acknowledgement will be meaningful and it's really validating. So I think that that's a good thing to do, to show them that you see that and that you're appreciative rather than, again, just coming out of the whole time if you're trying to run away or you're not. Listening to me or all of these things that again will be reinforcing on their side, that these conversations are bad and unsafe and should be avoided at all costs. We want to rewrite that story for both of your sakes. We want to have these experiences of actually hard conversations.
0:16:29.12 → 0:17:07.83
Yeah, they might be uncomfortable, but we can do uncomfortable. We can create safety in that discomfort and create new possibilities for our relationship. So I hope that that's been helpful. Obviously, that's far from being an exhaustive list, we could very easily have several episodes on having hard conversations and conflict strategy and tips around that in an anxious, avoidant dynamic. But I think if you were to implement those six tips, you'll really be in a much better position than just going in with all of the urgency and intensity and stress and attack kind of mode.
0:17:07.93 → 0:17:30.01
You've got a much better shot at having a productive, connective, you know, growth oriented conversation where you're actually able to hear each other and find a solution. So I hope that that's been helpful. I hope that you've learned something. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, super appreciative. If you can leave a five star rating or a review, it really does help so much, but otherwise I will see you again next week.
#49 “My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can’t help but take it personally.”
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally." This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally."
This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
WHAT WE COVER:
why it's normal to feel hurt by a partner moving on faster than we do
why it's so important to monitor the stories we tell ourselves post break-up
reasons why people process break-ups differently
how anxious vs avoidant people tend to move through the break-up period
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.01 → 0:01:06.55
Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of my ex moved on immediately postbreak up, and I can't help but take it personally. Do you have any advice? So this is something that I hear a lot, and it can obviously feel like a twisting of the dagger when we're already in a lot of pain to see our ex, whether it's moving on or just seeming to. Be coping better than we are after a breakup when we're really in the thick of it and we're grieving and we're hurt and we're lost and confused.
0:01:06.73 → 0:01:47.76
To see something pop up on social media or to hear about it or to even hear it directly from your ex that they're seeing someone new or that life is going well for them. It's really easy to take that and make it mean something about us. And that can really prolong our suffering at a time when we're already in a lot of pain and hurt. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, understanding that experience a little more where you can go as stray there, and some reframes to help you get through that experience, even though it will still be challenging and painful. But hopefully we can cut it off there and not make it mean something about us as a person.
0:01:48.37 → 0:02:28.73
Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that today is the last day to access the sale that I've been running, which is 50% off all of my Masterclasses, which are on boundaries, sex and attachment, and navigating anxious, avoidant relationships. Those are all only $44 each and there's heaps of value in them, so definitely cheque them out. If you're interested. You can also get 50% off my Higher Love course, which is a full length six module plus bonuses course on breakups and really moving through a breakup in the healthiest, most supported way possible and coming out the other side better than before.
0:02:28.80 → 0:03:11.13
So if any of those things tickle your fancy, today is the last day to take advantage of that discount and all of that's linked in the show notes. The other quick announcement is just to share the review of the week, which is I discovered Stephanie's podcast by chance a few months ago when I was trying to work out my relationship and had just started therapy. Her soothing voice and her shortened to the point episodes have really helped me reconsider myself as an anxiously attached person and to understand my continuous fear of being abandoned in a sentimental relationship. Understanding other attachment types and learning better ways to interact with an avoidant partner has also brought a certain level of peace and compassion towards myself and my relationship. I couldn't be more grateful for Stephanie's wise and kind words every week.
0:03:11.20 → 0:03:30.12
Thank you. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so pleased to hear that. I love how you describe a level of peace and compassion towards yourself and your relationship from diving into this work. I think that is really the goal, and I'm glad to have been able to support you in some small way with the podcast.
0:03:30.26 → 0:04:02.66
If that was your review, if you could just send an email to podcast@stephanierug.com. My team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this question of I've just seen that my ex has moved on immediately after our breakup, and I can't help but take it personally. So as a starting point, I just want to validate that this sucks, right? It's painful, and it's really easy to feel hurt by that and to feel kind of personally victimised by it.
0:04:02.76 → 0:04:29.80
I just want to really normalise all of those feelings. I think, irrespective of the circumstances of a breakup. Even if you broke up with them, even if it was really amicable, all of that stuff, even if you're kind of comfortable with the breakup and, you know it's the right thing. I think there's always going to be a bit of sting or a little bit of emotional something when we see our ex with someone new. I think that's really normal.
0:04:29.91 → 0:05:03.77
And so the starting point is don't beat yourself up too much for having an emotional response when you see your ex moving on and dating someone new. I think that obviously, if the circumstances are such that they broke up with you, you're really sad about it and you didn't want the relationship to end. It's very fresh and raw and you're still in the thick of it. To see them with someone new in that circumstance is devastating. And again, that's really understandable.
0:05:03.85 → 0:05:26.64
So don't feel like you shouldn't feel that way. Don't judge that feeling because I think that's a very natural thing to feel. What I do want to invite you to reflect on and really monitor is where we take that feeling of I'm really upset about this. I'm hurt, I'm sad, and we make that mean something about us. Okay, so we go, oh, they're dating someone new.
0:05:26.69 → 0:05:37.08
That means that they're not even sad about the relationship ending. They never even cared about me. They never loved me. A whole relationship was a sham. I feel like an idiot because I'm upset and they're not.
0:05:37.45 → 0:05:59.72
This new person that they're dating must be so much better than me, more attractive, more emotionally stable, less needy, whatever. The things I'm telling myself, they're going to make all of the changes with this new person that they wouldn't make for me. Maybe I was actually the problem after all. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for all of those things. All of that stuff.
0:05:59.82 → 0:06:41.26
We can spiral. Now, you may relate to none of that or some of that or all of that, but those are the sorts of things that I hear. And so I just want to shine a light on that and say that's where we cause our own suffering, right? Those stories are where the suffering lives and lives on because we can really get stuck there and spin around in that for a long time because we're taking something that may have very little to do with us a lot of the time and making it mean something about us at a very fundamental level. And that's a surefire way to erode self worth, to beat ourselves when we're already down.
0:06:41.31 → 0:07:14.58
And that's really the opposite of what we need at that time. So with that as an overarching point, the other thing I'll say is there are many, many reasons why someone, some people might move on more quickly than others. Okay, so this is part of the work. Whenever we're looking at the stories we tell ourselves, we can poke holes in our own stories and go, okay, that probably doesn't necessarily mean that I can acknowledge that other versions of this exist. What might they be?
0:07:14.63 → 0:07:26.34
So I'm going to give you some of them. They may not have processed the breakup or their grief, okay? They may have just put a lid on it. They're blocking it out. They're distracting themselves.
0:07:26.44 → 0:07:54.36
They're numbing out whatever they're doing. People process emotions in different ways, particularly if they are more avoidant leaning. They're not going to experience that initial post breakup in the same way that you, as a more anxious leaning person would. So acknowledge that that you can't expect them to have the same process as you. And there's a good chance that if it's very fresh that you'll go in different directions post breakup.
0:07:54.39 → 0:08:36.92
So a more avoidant leaning person is likely to put a lid on those emotions and channel their energy into distraction. Whether that's like throwing themselves into work or becoming very social all of a sudden or taking up a new pursuit or a new hobby, they're going to be putting that energy into something. Whereas a more anxious leaning person is likely to be very in the thick of their emotions and their grief and that feeling of longing and loss with the void that has been created by the relationship ending. So that might be one reason they may not have processed the breakup. Alternatively, they may have been processing it in advance of the relationship ending.
0:08:37.03 → 0:09:15.29
So what often happens is if a relationship is kind of on its last legs for a few months or even years in some cases, there can be a process of disengagement whereby one or both people sort of stop trying. And there's this sense of anticipation that you both know that it's coming. Maybe just one person knows that it's coming and they've made the decision to end the relationship before they actually pull the trigger. And so there is a gradual kind of disconnection and disengagement. Some people, if they've been in that situation, may have been processing their feelings around the relationship ending for a while before it actually did.
0:09:15.41 → 0:10:02.61
And that may mean that they feel kind of okay after the breakup, because the breakup provides more relief than it does grief, at least initially. Again, that's not about you, that's just about someone else's emotional process and the timing of that, the journey that they've been on. The third thing I'd say is you don't really have actual visibility over what they're experiencing, so it's likely that what you know about where they're at is gleaned from social media or word of mouth or mutual friends or even what they might have shared with you. But that's always going to be kind of biassed. You're seeing what they want you to see, you're knowing what they want you to know.
0:10:02.75 → 0:10:17.52
So it's not necessarily the full picture. Right? I'll add the caveat there. That doesn't give you an invitation to go and interrogate them and say, what are you really feeling? Or ruminate on whether they're actually really upset, but they're just not showing it.
0:10:17.65 → 0:10:41.57
It's just to say that we don't really know. So let's not make stories from imperfect information because it's just not helpful for you. What I'll say to sort of wrap this up is please just understand that if you are more anxiously attached, you will tend to spin out post breakup, right? You will really struggle with a breakup. I have an episode from last year on.
0:10:41.66 → 0:11:17.81
Five reasons why anxiously attached people struggle with breakups. And that's definitely a good one to cheque out because I dive into this in more detail there. But please just don't compare your breakup trajectory, your arc, with that of a more avoided leaning partner, because it is just not comparing apples with apples. And it's really, really unhelpful in the same way that in a relationship it's not helpful for me to project my worldview, my experience onto your behaviour and make it mean what it would mean if I did it. You're coming from totally different places, so just understand that your emotional processing is different.
0:11:17.85 → 0:11:48.91
The way that you relate to being in relationship versus being alone is totally different. So please don't expect it to look the same and then spin out and make yourself feel awful and really beat yourself up when they behave differently to how you would after a breakup. As I said, it's not comparing apples with apples. It's not a fair comparison. You have imperfect information, so please don't craft these awful, painful personal stories that exacerbate your pain and keep you stuck.
0:11:49.49 → 0:12:15.12
This is a time post breakup where you really need to be kind to yourself be resourcing yourself to feel safe and comforted and supported rather than inadequate and unworthy and doomed to some sort of life of aloneness because there's something wrong with you. There isn't. Breakups are hard. They're always going to be hard, but you will be okay. It's a tunnel with a light at the end of it.
0:12:15.14 → 0:12:49.47
So just be really kind to yourself, take good care of yourself, and trust that you will get through the other side of it. I hope that that's been helpful for the question asker and anyone else who is going through a breakup or has been through a breakup and has told themselves those painful stories about an ex moving on or just seeming fine when they aren't. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating and a review. It really does help so much in getting the word out, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.
0:12:49.55 → 0:12:50.50
Thanks guys.
0:12:52.87 → 0:13:15.40
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.