#182: What to Do When Your Partner Doesn't Want to Work on Themselves (or the Relationship)
One of the hardest things to face in a relationship is feeling like you're growing and evolving, while your partner seems simply unwilling to meet you there. Maybe you’ve suggested therapy, brought up recurring issues, or shared books and podcasts you love, only to be met with silence, shutdown, or defensiveness.
In this episode, we’re exploring what to do when your partner doesn’t seem interested in personal growth or improving the relationship. We’ll talk about why this happens, what it means (and doesn’t mean), and how to navigate it in a way that honours your own needs without defaulting to blame or control.
Whether you're in a long-term partnership or navigating something newer, this conversation will help you feel more grounded and clear in how you show up when things feel one-sided.
In this episode, I cover:
Why some people resist self-work or relationship growth
How attachment styles shape our responses to discomfort and change
The difference between inviting vs. demanding growth
Why your healing doesn’t depend on your partner's participation
What to do when you’ve tried everything and still feel stuck
Highlighted Resources
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Navigating Relationships When Your Partner Isn't Onboard with Self-Improvement
In the realm of relationships, it can be deeply rewarding when both partners are on a journey of self-improvement and growth. However, what happens when one partner is enthusiastic about personal development while the other seems disinterested or resistant? This scenario is not uncommon and can lead to frustration and confusion. Understanding how to navigate such a dynamic is essential for maintaining a harmonious relationship and ensuring both partners feel respected and valued.
Understanding Attachment Styles
The way individuals approach relationships often ties back to their attachment styles, which can significantly influence how partners engage with personal growth and self-improvement. People with anxious attachment styles might find themselves striving for deeper connections and seeking constant reassurance. This can manifest as a strong desire to work on the relationship and fix any perceived issues. On the other hand, those with avoidant attachment styles might value independence and feel threatened by the prospect of delving into emotional development, often perceiving it as an implication that they are inadequate or failing.
Understanding these fundamental differences is crucial in approaching the situation with empathy and patience. Instead of interpreting a partner's resistance as a lack of love or effort, it's beneficial to recognise that their reluctance might stem from a deep-seated fear of inadequacy. By acknowledging that both sides have valid perspectives, couples can begin to bridge the gap between differing approaches to self-improvement.
Shifting Focus to Personal Growth
When facing resistance from a partner, it's essential to redirect the focus inward. Concentrating on one's own growth is both empowering and beneficial, regardless of the partner's involvement in self-improvement efforts. For those with anxious attachment tendencies, this inward focus can help build self-awareness and address patterns of over-functioning or controlling behaviours in relationships.
By tending to one's own emotional needs and striving for personal growth, individuals can create a ripple effect within the relationship. As one partner evolves, it can encourage an atmosphere of change, potentially inspiring the other person to embark on their journey of self-discovery. However, it's important to remember that personal growth is rewarding in its own right, independent of whether it sparks change in a partner.
Creating a Collaborative Environment
Encouraging a partner to engage in self-improvement or relationship work can be achieved by fostering a collaborative, non-judgmental environment. It can be helpful to approach conversations with openness and curiosity, inviting the partner to share their thoughts and feelings rather than imposing a solution. This approach reduces the likelihood of defensiveness and resistance, as it avoids making the partner feel criticised or inadequate.
For example, framing discussions around mutual goals or shared challenges can be more effective than dictating desired changes. Phrasing such as, "I feel like we're going around in circles with this issue. Do you have any ideas on how we could work on this together?" creates an inclusive dialogue. By posing the problem as a shared experience, partners can feel validated and more willing to engage in finding solutions.
Embracing Different Paths to Growth
It's important to recognise that personal development can look different for everyone. While some might find value in therapy or reading self-help books, others might prefer more introspective methods, such as meditation or creative pursuits. Accepting that a partner's path to growth may differ can alleviate unnecessary pressure and enable both partners to explore ways of growing that feel authentic to them.
Encouraging partners to choose their own methods for self-discovery acknowledges their autonomy and respects their individuality. This flexibility can diminish the perception that there is only one "right" way to engage in personal development, potentially reducing resistance and opening doors to new avenues of exploration.
In conclusion, navigating the complexities when one partner is more invested in self-improvement than the other requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to focus on personal growth. By embracing these principles, couples can foster an environment where both partners feel respected and motivated to engage in their unique paths towards self-discovery and relational harmony.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt frustrated because your partner was resistant to working on the relationship. What emotions did this situation bring up for you, and how did you respond?
Consider the ways you approach personal growth and relationship improvement. How might your methods differ from your partner's, and how can you respect these differences?
Stephanie discusses the importance of focusing on one's own growth. How do you currently prioritise your personal development, and in what ways could you lean into this more?
When facing a recurring conflict in your relationship, how do you usually communicate your needs and desires? Do you find that this approach fosters a collaborative environment or creates resistance?
Think about a situation where you made assumptions about your partner's resistance. What were these assumptions, and how accurate do you believe they were upon reflection?
Reflect on your attachment patterns. How do your tendencies align with either anxious or avoidant attachment styles, and how do these tendencies impact your relationship dynamics?
What does a healthy and thriving relationship look like to you? Are there areas in your current relationship that measure up to this vision, and where might there be discrepancies?
How do you typically react when you perceive a lack of progress or willingness from your partner? What might a more open-minded and flexible approach look like for you?
Evaluate your ability to trust yourself and your instincts in your relationship. What steps can you take to strengthen your self-trust and discernment?
Reflect on Stephanie’s suggestion of making issues a collaborative proposition rather than a directive. How might this shift in strategy improve communication and cooperation in your relationship?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we're talking about what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on themselves or the relationship. So this is such a common one. I know for so many people who I work with, in fact in the last couple of weeks, I feel like I've fielded variations on this from a number of people in my Healing Anxious Attachment course and community space. I feel like a lot of people are struggling with this, and as is always the case, if a small sample that I'm interacting with is struggling with it, I'm sure that more people in my broader community are struggling with it as well. And it can be so frustrating and defeating. It's certainly a situation that I've personally been in, and as I said, comes up a lot amongst the people that I work with.
[00:01:17]:
So I want to share some thoughts today on what do you do if you find yourself in this situation where you are really wanting to work on the relationship, and maybe you're really doing a lot of work on yourself, and you really want your partner to be on board with that. Maybe you're really excited about all of the things you're learning, and you can really see the benefits, but your partner is disinterested, not willing to engage, and maybe really actively pushes back against any attempts that you might make to bring them along for the ride or welcome them into the work or suggesting resources, suggesting things you think they might find interesting. If there is a real friction there, and you're feeling a little disheartened by their unwillingness. How do we navigate that? How long do you persist in those sorts of dynamics? Do you just make your peace with the fact that they are not interested in that? What do you do if there are things that you feel really do need to shift or change in order for the relationship to be viable? How long do you wait? All of these questions that spring from this sort of fundamental conflict point around when one person is doing the work and wanting to do the work, and the other isn't. So that's what I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on today. As I said, I know that this is a very very common one, and so hopefully it's one that a lot of people will get a lot out of. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just a reminder about my free resource, the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit.
[00:02:46]:
If you haven't downloaded it, definitely do, particularly if what I'm talking about today resonates with you because it really is a great starting resource for folks with anxious attachment patterns. Maybe you're not quite ready to dive into one of my courses or invest at that level yet, but the free starter kit is still really comprehensive. You get a I think it's about a forty minute video where I'm sharing about my own journey with anxious attachment and how I got from where I was to where I am. There's a guided meditation of affirmations for anxious attachment, as well as a workbook that gives you some journal prompts and some other reflection questions to build some more self awareness around your relationship patterns, and get really clear around what drives you and what you need in order to thrive in a relationship. Those are all exclusive resources that you won't find anywhere else, and they are completely free in the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit. So the link to that is in the show notes. Definitely check it out. As I said, it's a really helpful resource if you are just starting out on your journey.
[00:03:46]:
The second quick announcement is a really exciting one. I'm going to be in London in September year, and I'm planning to hold an event. If that sounds a little vague, it's because I haven't firmed up the details yet, but I am taking expressions of interest, building a waitlist for people who are interested in that, which will help me to decide what it looks like. So not sure yet whether it will be sort of an intimate workshop akin to what I ran in Sydney late last year, or whether it will be more of a bigger talk or an event like that. But irrespective, if you are in London or around London or willing to travel to London in September, please jump on the waitlist. And if you want to reach out to me on Instagram or send an email letting me know that you'd be keen, all of that is really helpful for me in planning and finalising the details to make sure that it suits the needs of people who are willing to come. So please do jump on the waitlist. Again, link is in the show notes.
[00:04:39]:
Or come in and find me on Instagram and send me a message there. That would be super helpful and I am already so excited. I shared about it this morning on my Instagram stories and I've already had a bunch of people jump on the waitlist in less than an hour. So that bodes really well for what will hopefully be an exciting event in London later in the year. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on themselves or the relationship. So I just want to start out by validating how hard this feels. And as I said, I've been there.
[00:05:11]:
It is a familiar experience for me that I remember well. There have been times in in multiple relationships that I've been in where I've felt like I'm up against resistance in wanting to work through something in the relationship, and that sense of having tried everything. Maybe you've tried directly suggesting things, maybe you've shared resources, maybe you've tried a more hands off approach, and tried leaving them to their own devices, and not wanting to be controlling or pushy or whatever, and it feels like none of the things that you're trying, even though they're across a spectrum of directness or intervention, none of it is getting much traction. None of it is inspiring willingness or growth in your partner, and so you can feel a bit stumped in terms of, well, what do I do now? Nothing is working. Right? So I just want to validate how frustrating and disheartening that can feel, because when we really want the relationship to work, we really want to solve whatever the thing is that feels like it, particularly if it's a make or break thing. The stakes feel so high, and so of course there is a sense of urgency and gravity about it. And when you're met with unwillingness, oftentimes you will perceive that as 'if you cared about the relationship, if you loved me, you would want to work on this', So the fact that you are resistant must mean that you're not that invested. Right? That's a really common interpretation of someone's unwillingness, particularly if you are coming from a more anxious attachment place.
[00:06:47]:
And that can really hurt and it can really sting. And it can be really confusing as well. Like, how could you love me but not want to solve this thing? So reconciling all of that. And of course, as we learn more about this, we start to understand that there's a lot of projection in that. We're assuming that someone sees the world, sees relationships in the same way that we do, and is operating on the same kind of framework and blueprint that we have, which is why it's so helpful to learn more about different attachment patterns and how wildly different our view of things can be, while being grounded in a very real and valid experience on both sides. So I do just want to start out by saying I get it. I get the frustration, I get the exasperation, I get the confusion and the doubt and the hurt and the worry and the anxiety that comes with feeling like you're up against a brick wall on something that feels so so important, and particularly if it's a non negotiable or a deal breaker for the relationship. With that being said, I think we do have to walk around to the other side, as always.
[00:07:46]:
It's like, how can I approach this with curiosity and an assumption of validity? So in the same way that the experience you're having is real and valid, so too is the experience that they're having. And if we can step outside of our agenda for a moment and be genuinely curious, not curious in the sense of, oh I'll try and understand what your resistance is so that I can reverse engineer a way to dissolve that resistance, so that I can further my own agenda of trying to get you to change, right? I I say that having definitely had that, whether conscious or or subconscious, that motive before. Like genuinely curious of like, why does this feel threatening to you? What is it about me wanting to work on the relationship? Or the whole idea of personal development, self inquiry, why does that feel threatening to you? Why is that something that you push away so insistently? And I think we have to assume that there's good reason for that. Rather than judging it, or blaming, shaming, attacking, criticizing, assuming that it's wrong, let's assume that there's a really good reason for it, and then get curious as to what that might be. So in the case of avoidant attachment, oftentimes, I've talked about this before, there is a core wound around defectiveness or inadequacy, and the flip side of that, in much the same way as anxious attaches have a core wound around unworthiness and tend to deal with that wound or manage that wound by over functioning, over giving, striving, trying to prove worth, for more avoidant people who have this wound around inadequacy, failure, they tend to protect that wound by trying to be successful. Right? And it's so important for people with avoidant patterns to feel successful in their relationships and in their lives. And what successful often looks and sounds and feels like is that I'm doing a good job. And so this is why a lot of avoidant people react poorly to the constant efforts on the anxious partner's side to always be improving things, the sense that their anxious partner is always upset about something, that there's always more that we could be doing to improve the relationship.
[00:10:06]:
It comes across to many avoidant people as like, it's never enough. Nothing I do is ever enough. You're never happy with me. You're never satisfied, and that makes me feel like a failure and a disappointment, and that is really demoralising. So, understanding that you're coming at this issue of, like, self improvement or relationship improvement from totally different places. There's this proactive part on the anxious attached side that's like, why wouldn't we want to plug every little teeny tiny hole in the boat ahead of time so that nothing bad ever happens, nothing ever gets in the way of our connection and our relationship, and we could always be more connected, and going deeper and deeper. There's just this sense of more, more, more on the side of the anxious attacher. And as I said, that's not all bad, that's not something we need to pathologize or make wrong, but noticing the underbelly side of that, that there is a safety that comes from ever more connection, right? The bottomless pit of I just always want more from you, And I think that can come from a place of really struggling to feel safe, to just rest in a relationship that feels like enough because we've always got this edge of hyper vigilance, this sense that the other shoe is going to drop, the sense that trouble is always just around the corner, and so we feel like we always have to be doing, doing, doing to get ahead of any problems.
[00:11:34]:
From the avoidance side, there's a really high value placed on relational harmony. And just to preempt anyone who's going to say, what, so I just have to swallow all of my problems and never say anything?' and no, that's not what I'm saying, that's never what I'm saying. But recognizing that there might be a middle ground here in terms of how we approach things so that it doesn't feel like this relentless, almost like tidal wave of things we need to work on before we can just enjoy each other. Right? And anxious attaches, I've talked about before, tend to come in with 15 things that I want to work on. And even if your partner is actually making progress and doing a good job on a few of them, your focus is always going to be on the things that are imperfect or not yet as you want them to be, and you may overlook all of the progress that has been made. You may miss the big picture and that can, again, feel really uninspiring, really demoralising for someone who is genuinely putting in effort and genuinely wants to make you happy. If they don't feel encouraged, they don't feel seen or appreciated for the effort that they are putting in, all of that can contribute to an overall environment where their instinct is to be resistant to your efforts or attempts at getting more from them, when they already feel like they're trying and they're giving, and it's never enough. So with that being said, let's shift now to talking about what you can do.
[00:13:05]:
Having contextualised, like, why this happens and what it looks and feels like on both sides. What can you do? What is actually a productive, constructive step that you can take if you find yourself in this situation? So I think the thing to emphasize here, and I've spoken about this so many times before, it really is a fundamental tenet underpinning so much of my work, is that focusing on your own growth, you can never lose. Right? Either you focus on your own growth and you experience the benefits of that, which for an anxiously attached person are many. Really, that is the heart of your work, is to bring it back to you. And we know that that relational hyperfocus, that excessive emphasis on what are they doing and what are they not doing, and I have to control them in order to feel safe inside myself, that is really a key expression of your anxious attachment patterns, and so shifting the spotlight back to you, shifting the center of your focus back within, and going, what's within my control? How can I create safety for myself? How can I attend to my own needs, how can I attune to my own experience? That is powerful and important work for you no matter what's happening over there with them. And so I really, really believe that you cannot lose, you can only win by bringing that emphasis back onto yourself. Now, what will often happen is that in doing that, you will create a ripple effect in your relationship. We talk about what is the overall relational environment looking like? And one person, while you can't single handedly save a relationship or transform a relationship, you can absolutely shift the balance there by working on cleaning up your side of the street and changing the way that you do things because, you know, you are one input to that system.
[00:14:55]:
And so when you change one of the inputs, oftentimes you will get a different output, you will get a different result. And so doing all of your work on yourself and the way you show up, and your own boundaries, your own maybe not so healthy behaviors around over functioning or controlling or criticizing, blaming, the way you communicate in conflict, all of that stuff can absolutely really shift things on the other side. Not only in an immediate sense, but also in terms of softening their resistance and their unwillingness that they might otherwise have that is a function of all the patterns I was describing earlier. So oftentimes that will naturally take care of itself when more emotional safety and trust is built through you working on your stuff. Now the other possibility is that you do all of your work, and still there is unwillingness or resistance in them. And that is a possibility, right? Not everyone is going to come on the journey, and not everyone is interested in doing this kind of work. And I should say here that another really important thing to be mindful of is that people will engage in their journey, their growth, in different ways. It's not going to look the same for everyone, so just because your partner is not signing up to online courses or listening to relationship podcasts doesn't mean that they don't care.
[00:16:15]:
They might just be looking to engage in it in a way that feels good to them, in a way that really resonates. So just be mindful and try and be a little flexible and open minded. They don't have to find talk therapy really helpful, if that's what you find really helpful. They might have a different inroad to working on themselves and getting to know themselves. So trying to release the grip a little on it needing to look the same way as your work looks, because oftentimes it won't. But nevertheless, if you do find yourself in a situation where you've really been taking responsibility for your part, you've really cleaned up your side of the street, and you're feeling like maybe you're outgrowing your partner, they're just not coming along for the ride, and you don't know what to do with that. And maybe you're even wondering, like, how much longer do I wait? Of course that's a bit of an open question, and it's not one that I can say, oh wait three months and then make a decision. It's going to depend on a million and one variables.
[00:17:15]:
But I guess the maybe the annoying answer to that, but the honest one is the more you do your own work, and a big part of that is building up your sense of self worth and your sense of self trust, your discernment, and your clarity and confidence around what do I need in order to thrive in a relationship? How long am I willing to stick around in the face of someone's resistance? Is there resistance about really core, fundamental parts of the relationship? Or is it peripheral, things that I can live with? All of those questions are ones that you can approach with a level of maturity and discernment and deep self knowing and self awareness that is only going to benefit from you having done your work. Again, all roads lead back to you cannot lose by focusing on your stuff. So that is, again, I recognize that's maybe not the advice you want to hear, you want some sort of hack that gets them to the table against their willingness. But the core of my advice, as always, is focus on you and you can't lose. With that being said, I will wrap up by sharing a couple of things that you might try in terms of the way you approach the communication with your partner that can help to elicit more willingness and openness in them than what you might have been trying, which might have been coming from a more guarded place that can have a bit of judgement or accusation or disapproval wrapped up in it, which is almost always going to elicit resistance in them. So I think a really good guiding principle is to make it a collaborative proposition rather than a, like, me coaching you, or me teaching you, or me telling you what you should do because I know more than you. That's almost always going to be met with pushback and someone saying like, don't tell me what to do, right, just instinctively. I think again with people with more avoidant patterns, they really want to feel respected, and part of feeling respected is like, you see me as a competent adult, right? And you're not babying me, you're not over functioning, you're not mothering me, you're not coaching me.
[00:19:19]:
I don't want that from you, even though you think you're doing it from a loving place. I feel controlled and I feel patronized and condescended to, even where that's not the intention. So shifting to a more collaborative approach, so maybe if there's a repeated conflict that you keep having, saying something like, I'm really at my wits end and I don't know where we go from here.' I would love for us to find a way to approach this issue that doesn't leave us going around in circles again and again and again, because I know it's tiring for both of us, and neither of us are enjoying this. Do you have any ideas? Right? Open up the conversation in a way that acknowledges, like, we both hate this, this sucks for both of us. I'm not the one with all the answers, I'm not the one trying to tell you what to do, or say that you're the problem and you need to change. Like clearly, there's a problem here that we need to find another way of approaching or another solution to. I've got some ideas, do you have any ideas? I think that that is much more likely to get someone's buy in and opt in than something that's like you telling them, like, you need to go to therapy or why don't you ever want to do blah blah blah blah blah. I'm the one who's doing all the work.
[00:20:30]:
You're not doing any of the work. Like, all of that establishes a a dynamic where you are speaking down to someone even if you don't mean to be. And again, avoiding people in particular are gonna have a big pushback response to that because it's gonna touch into all of those core wounds that we talked about. Not only the wanting to feel successful, and not wanting to feel inadequate, or broken, or bad, but also all of their stuff around independence, and autonomy, and not wanting to feel controlled by a partner. So being really mindful of that, and trying to loop them into a solution, being genuinely flexible and open minded as to what they may think and what they may have to say about a path forward, that's so much more likely to stick and to feel good for both of you than a solution that you're dictating, and they're either flatly refusing to engage with, or maybe they're agreeing in the moment to kind of wrap up the conversation, but they don't actually follow through on because their heart wasn't in it. They didn't believe in it. They didn't agree with it. Okay.
[00:21:31]:
I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, definitely check out the anxious attachment starter kit if all of the things I've been speaking about today resonate. It's a it's a nice next step into my work if you know that this is some stuff that you need to work on but you don't really know where to go with it. But otherwise, I really hope you enjoyed it. Let me know. Leave me a review or a comment on Spotify or YouTube if you're watching there. Let me know if this landed for you. If you have any questions or future episode requests, I'm always happy to receive them. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:06]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment, insecurity, thriving relationships, relationship work, Healing Anxious Attachment course, partner disinterest, personal development, self-inquiry, communication, avoidant attachment, emotional safety, trust, boundaries, over-functioning, controlling behaviour, relationship patterns, self-awareness, relational harmony, conflict resolution, relational environment, relational dynamics, relationship podcasts, relational growth, self-worth, self-trust, London event, attachment journey, Anxious Attachment Starter Kit, guided meditation.