#168: How to Support an Avoidant Partner to Open Up
In this episode of On Attachment, we’re diving into how to support an avoidant partner in opening up emotionally. If you’ve ever felt frustrated by your partner’s emotional distance or found yourself unsure how to help them feel safe in the relationship, this episode is for you.
How to Support an Avoidant Partner to Open Up
Navigating relationships with an avoidant partner can be challenging, especially if you’re someone who craves deep connection and intimacy. Avoidant attachment patterns often stem from a need to protect oneself from vulnerability, making it difficult for partners to feel close. However, with the right approach, it’s possible to create a safe space that encourages your avoidant partner to open up naturally. Here are three key strategies to support them while also honouring your own needs.
1. Build Your Own Inner Security
A foundational step in supporting an avoidant partner is to cultivate a strong sense of self-confidence, self-worth, and independence. Avoidant partners highly value autonomy and often feel overwhelmed or smothered when they sense their partner relying on them too heavily.
For those with anxious attachment, it’s common to focus intensely on the relationship, placing disproportionate weight on the partner for emotional fulfilment. This can inadvertently create a dynamic where the avoidant partner feels pressured or even engulfed. Shifting this pattern requires diversifying your emotional and social energy—investing in friendships, hobbies, and self-care practices that help you feel grounded and fulfilled outside the relationship.
By showing your avoidant partner that you are secure and self-sufficient, you help alleviate their fears of being consumed by the relationship. This creates space for them to take steps toward you, building trust and closeness at a pace that feels safe for both of you.
2. Lead with Curiosity, Not Control
It’s tempting to assume the role of “coach” or “therapist” in your relationship, particularly if you’ve done extensive personal development work. While this often comes from a place of genuine care, unsolicited advice or attempts to “fix” your partner can come across as patronising or controlling. Avoidant individuals are particularly sensitive to these dynamics and may retreat further in response.
Instead, aim to approach your partner with genuine curiosity and empathy. Resist the urge to impose your perspective or push them to engage with resources (books, podcasts, etc.) they’re not interested in. When you let go of the agenda to change them, you create a non-judgmental space where they feel respected and understood. This shift in approach can significantly reduce defensiveness and foster a more open dialogue.
3. Be a Safe Landing Place for Vulnerability
When an avoidant partner does share something vulnerable, how you respond matters deeply. A critical or overly emotional reaction can reinforce their fear that opening up is unsafe. It’s essential to handle their disclosures with care, even if what they share is difficult to hear.
Strive to remain grounded and supportive in these moments. For example, if your partner shares something challenging, you might say, “That’s hard for me to hear, but I really appreciate you being honest with me.” This response acknowledges your feelings while affirming the value of their vulnerability.
Equally important is avoiding the use of their disclosures against them later. If your partner shares an intimate fear or struggle, weaponising it in future disagreements undermines trust and reinforces their protective instincts. Consistently showing that you can be trusted with their feelings is key to building deeper intimacy.
Why This Matters
Supporting an avoidant partner isn’t about taking responsibility for their healing or sacrificing your own needs. It’s about recognising what’s within your control and making choices that promote connection rather than conflict. By focusing on your own growth, leading with empathy, and respecting their boundaries, you foster an environment where vulnerability and intimacy can naturally thrive.
Relationships with avoidant partners can test your patience and resilience, but they also offer opportunities for profound personal growth. By shifting the focus inward and cultivating healthier dynamics, you not only support your partner but also create a relationship that feels more balanced, secure, and fulfilling for both of you.
If you’re looking to dive deeper into this work, consider exploring resources that help you build self-worth and understand attachment dynamics — like my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment. With intentional effort and mutual respect, meaningful connection is possible—even with the challenges avoidant attachment may present.
Creating a safe and loving space for your partner starts with creating one for yourself. As you strengthen your relationship with yourself, you’ll be better equipped to navigate the complexities of your relationship, supporting your partner in a way that honours both of your needs.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your own attachment style. Do you identify more with anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or a different style altogether? How has this influenced your relationship dynamics?
How do you currently handle situations where your partner withdraws or becomes distant? What emotions arise for you in these moments?
Do you sometimes find yourself trying to "fix" your avoidant partner? What are some alternative ways you can approach these situations that might foster more trust and intimacy?
In what ways do you rely on your partner to meet your emotional needs? What other sources of support or activities could you incorporate into your life to balance this reliance?
How do you react when your partner opens up and shares something vulnerable with you? Reflect on a recent instance and consider how you might want to handle it differently in the future.
When you think about building your own self-esteem and self-worth, what specific actions or practices come to mind? How can you integrate these into your daily routine?
Recall a moment when you felt judged or controlled by someone else. How did that experience affect your willingness to open up to them? How might this relate to your avoidant partner's behaviour?
Do you have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice to your partner? How do you think this impacts your relationship? Explore ways to shift this dynamic.
Reflect on any boundaries you've set within your relationship. How do these boundaries support both your needs and your partner’s needs?
Consider a time when you've been angry or upset by something your partner shared with you. How did you express those feelings, and what was the outcome? What strategies can you use to ensure your reactions encourage rather than hinder future vulnerability?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:32]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to support an avoidant partner to open up. So this is one that I get asked a lot. It's obviously something that weighs heavily on the minds and hearts of people in relationship with avoidant attached folk, who are often anxiously attached, as we know. And wanting to build that deeper connection, wanting to feel a greater sense of intimacy in the relationship. But I think what often happens is the ways that we go about doing that, particularly if you are more anxious, can actually have the opposite effect, and you can find that the more you push to try and get close to your avoidant partner, the more they pull away or, you know, rebuff your attempts at creating more depth and intimacy in the relationship. So in today's episode, I'm going to be giving you a few tips as to how you might go about building greater intimacy, creating more safety so that your avoidant partner can open, and building a more connected relationship in the process. And all of that is without being manipulative or trying to pry them open because, as a bit of a spoiler alert, that's probably what you've done by default in the past, and it tends not to work very well.
[00:01:49]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I wanted to share a couple of quick announcements, the first and most important being that Healing Anxious Attachment is reopening for registration in less than 2 weeks' time. So for anyone who's new around here, Healing Anxious Attachment is my signature 8 week program. I've been running it for about two and a half years now, and this will be the 9th cohort. We've had well over 2,000 students in the program, and it is very near and dear to my heart. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are wanting to make a change in a supportive community, and with a very much tried and tested framework, I would love to have you in the program. If you jump on the wait list via the link in the show notes, or head straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. You'll be able to add your name to the wait list, which guarantees you a spot in the program along with early bird pricing, so you'll save a $100.
[00:02:46]:
So would of course love to see as many of you in there as possible. As I said, registration opening in less than 2 weeks, and we'll be kicking off in the new year. 2nd quick announcement is just to say that my Black Friday sale is still available, so I've got some really generous discounts on my self paced programs and master classes on my website. I'll leave that up for another couple days, so if anyone missed out in amongst all of the other Black Friday onslaught, you've still got an opportunity to sneak in and take advantage of those discounts, which are up to 75% off. So a really great deal for anyone who's interested. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around avoidant attachment and how to support an avoidant partner to open up. So as I alluded to in the introduction, and something that I've touched on before in the podcast is being really mindful when we are in relationship with someone with avoidant patterns.
[00:03:41]:
And actually, in any kind of relationship, including the one we have with ourselves, is that our protective patterns, our defense mechanisms, of which distance is, of course, one for avoiding people, those protective patterns are there for a reason, and there is wisdom there, and they have developed in response to a very real fear or other emotional experience. And so when we are in partnership with someone and we observe that they have certain protective patterns or mechanisms, we don't want to go blasting through those or developing a manipulative scheme to sneak around them. We really wanna honor that those defense mechanisms are protecting something very real and very tender much of the time. And of course, the more threatened someone feels, the more vehemently their protective parts are going to step to their defense and are going to keep those more vulnerable parts locked away and very fiercely defended and protected. So at the outset, I just want to emphasize that if you are thinking, how can I get my avoidant partner to open up? The question that I want you to reframe that to is, how can I contribute to their experience of safety such that opening up happens organically as a natural consequence of them feeling more safe in the relationship? So not how can I get them to open up, but how can I support them to feel safe enough to do so of their own accord? And I would say that opening, or put differently, an increase in vulnerability and maybe a softening of one's defenses is really a natural consequence of feeling more safe. So that, of course, begs the question of what causes an avoidant partner to feel unsafe in a relationship, and how might we shift that to the extent that our behavior is contributing to their experience of unsafety. I also wanna name that some people might be saying, you know, why is it my responsibility to create safety for them when they do all of these things that undermine my sense of safety in the relationship or my sense of security in the relationship? Why is it my responsibility to caretake them? To which I'd say, it's not. No one's forcing you to do that, and you absolutely don't have to.
[00:06:12]:
But as always, my work seeks to steer people towards an awareness of what is within their control, and what they can take responsibility for, what they can exert agency over. And so, if you are desiring more intimacy with your partner, and you are wanting to feel more close to them, what I'm going to be sharing is with a view to supporting you to do that in a way that is, you know, respectful of your partner and also honoring of yourself. Okay. So to that end, the first tip that I wanna give you in supporting an avoidant partner to feel safe enough to open up is that you should focus on yourself and cultivating more inner security, more of a sense of self confidence, and a healthy level of independence and self sufficiency. And of course, I'll say that you should do that work for you first and foremost, but it will often have a very welcome side effect or by product in that your avoidant partner will feel safer to take steps towards you and take steps towards connection when they don't feel like you are smothering them or hovering over them or clinging to them like they are a life raft, like they are the only thing in your life, and if they don't do what you need them to do, then you spiral into an anxious panic, and you get very triggered and very activated and escalate in all of your anxious behaviors. So of course, knowing what we know about avoidant attachment and knowing that they very much value their own independence and their autonomy, their sense of self, they similarly really value when other people possess those qualities, and we can acknowledge that avoidant folks can take that to extremes in terms of hyper independence rather than a healthy level of independence. But equally, we can acknowledge that anxiously attached people tend to really struggle, and if anything, tend more towards codependent patterns where they don't really have any demarcated sense of self independent of their relationship. That tends to be very much at the core of their identity, is their role as someone's partner, and so much of their mental energy goes to the relationship.
[00:08:34]:
So when that's the baseline, it's really easy for someone who sits at the other end of the spectrum, valuing independence, valuing autonomy, to feel threatened by their partner's overdependence on them and the relationship. That can very quickly feel overwhelming, smothering, threatening, unsafe. And against that backdrop, it's little wonder that avoidant partners don't feel safe to open up, to be vulnerable, to depend on a partner, to express needs, anything like that, because that is essentially tantamount to going even closer, and that is not something that they're likely to initiate when maybe they already feel like things are too close for comfort. Now, what happens when an anxious partner starts to build up their sense of self and they become someone who has healthy self esteem, healthy self worth, they diversify their energy across other areas of their life so that they're not just hovering around their partner all the time, Their avoidant partner is likely to feel less under pressure to be everything to them, and so that creates space for them to take more initiative and build more connection from a place of knowing that their boundaries are not going to be crossed, they're not going to become enmeshed or totally engulfed by the relationship, by their partner, because they see that their partner has other stuff going on, and they don't get this same kind of needy, desperate, clingy energy from their partner, which naturally builds their sense of trust in the safety of that closeness. It's like the closeness becomes something that they can flow with rather than this scary torrent or tsunami that's going to swallow them whole, and they're going to be defenseless against it. So the more that you, as an anxiously attached person, can build up your self confidence, be more comfortable getting your needs met elsewhere alongside your relationship, rather than expecting your partner to be everything to you. Spending more time with other people, other friends, colleagues, having your own interests and hobbies, all of that is going to feel really, really good for your avoidant partner, and they're going to see you in a more positive light, but also trust in the intimacy and the relationship more. And of course, I've got bucketloads of other episodes that give more detail on how you can go about doing that as an anxiously attached person, and certainly my healing anxious attachment course goes into all of those things in a lot of detail.
[00:11:12]:
So that's number 1. Focus on you, building yourself up so that you are not approaching your avoidant partner from a survival driven place of desperation, from a sense that you have this internal deficit that you need them to fill. You need to fill that yourself so that you can come to the relationship on a more level footing, and that is going to feel really, really good for your avoidant partner and for you. As I said, the impacts on your relationship and on your partner are a bonus. You must do that work for yourself because that is your healing work as an anxiously attached person. Okay. The second one is to approach your avoidant partner with genuine curiosity and resist the urge to exhibit any sort of righteous, judgmental, holier than thou, I know better than you, I know what you need kind of behaviors and attitudes, which will inevitably, 10 times out of 10, elicit defensiveness in your avoidant partner and an unwillingness to open to you. If you become their self appointed coach and therapist, that is not going to be a dynamic that they are going to like.
[00:12:27]:
They are likely to have a lot of resistance to that, and they are likely to push you away rather than, you know, see that as some amazing thing and want to pull you closer. So again, I think anxiously attached people can easily fall into this trap. I know it's an easy place for me to go and it's something I have to really watch in myself. When you are someone who's really emotionally attuned to others and couple that with maybe you've done a lot of personal development work and you've done a lot of reading, listening to podcasts, books, all of that. So you feel like you're very literate in the world of whether it's attachment or other things to do with psychology, understanding people. And you might feel like you've really got a leg up on your partner in that respect because oftentimes more avoidant people are not so interested in all of that stuff, not so proactive about wanting to understand their inner world. And I think from that place, that disparity, it's easy to assume that we know our partners in a world better than they do, we know and understand their fears better than they do, and that we know and understand what they need more than they do, and that if they would just listen to us, then that would solve everything and we could coach them out of the things that they fear and struggle with. Now, I say this with so much love, and as I said, I say this as someone who can very easily fall into that.
[00:13:54]:
I think there's a real arrogance to that, and even though it is almost always well intentioned and we really do think that we see things that they don't, and we may, right? I don't want to discount the possibility of that being true. But when someone hasn't asked for your advice, they haven't asked for your guidance or input, just offering that in an unsolicited way, and particularly when it is in the nature of I can see all the ways in which you are broken and I know how to fix you, it's not as loving as we think it is. Right? And I think this is an area where anxiously attached people need to understand the concept of respecting other people's boundaries. And we talk so much about boundaries in terms of our own boundaries and how people treat us, but I think an often overlooked aspect of that is how much we insert ourselves into other people's stuff without them asking us to, and that, you know, going back to what we talked about around avoidant people not wanting to feel smothered, controlled, and not wanting to feel this sense of engulfment, you can see how that would feel very intrusive and invasive, and again that is going to lead them to close rather than open. So dropping any sense of trying to coach them, trying to be their therapist, trying to offer them unsolicited advice, trying to force them to read books or listen to podcasts that they're not interested in consuming, all of that can come across as quite righteous and judgmental, and as if you know them better than they do, and that's a little bit condescending and patronizing oftentimes in terms of how it lands. And again, I recognize that that's not the intention, but I do think we have to examine how that might look and feel from the receiver's point of view. So try and really drop the agenda in terms of getting them to change or getting them to see things from your point of view. You can certainly share resources and stuff with them, but I would do so without being attached to the outcome, without being attached to them needing to find the same light bulb moments in that material as you do.
[00:16:15]:
And certainly, it shouldn't be something that you're nagging them about repeatedly, and if they have resistance, that you're judging them for the resistance. Not everyone's journey and growth looks the same, and as I said, if your goal and the thing that you're really desiring is more connection and more intimacy, more vulnerability, making someone feel controlled and judged and approved of is not going to be your ticket there. So try as much as you possibly can to drop the agenda, and really lead with curiosity and trust that they know what they need more than you do. Okay. And the 3rd and final tip that I want to give you is if and when your avoidant partner does open up or does exhibit some vulnerability, please don't make them regret that. So do not use it against them. Do not respond in a way that then feels really unsafe. So for example, if they share something honestly with you, don't then get really upset or angry with them for what they share.
[00:17:21]:
That is going to send the message of, see, this is exactly why I don't tell you things because you get mad at me or because you punish me. Right? And that can be challenging because sometimes the truth is hard to hear, and we really have to do our best to hold a sense of security and groundedness within ourselves. This doesn't mean you have to be unaffected or pretend to be unaffected. You can share, you know, oh, that's kind of hard for me to hear, but it's really important to me that you're able to share honestly. Right? So there is a middle ground there. You don't just have to bottle it up. But if you have some big emotional response and start crying and saying, How could you say that? When you've asked them to tell you the truth and then they tell you the truth, well, you can be sure that they're not going to do that very readily in the future, because, as I said, you have reinforced their story that being vulnerable, being honest, doesn't lead to good outcomes. And so they're likely to bottle things up or be evasive or be dishonest going forward.
[00:18:29]:
So really try and be a safe person for them to open up to in terms of how you respond to that, and so no judgement, no disapproval, no punishment in terms of how you respond to their vulnerability. Likewise, don't flip it around and use it against them in the future. So if they open up and they say something like, I guess I'm scared of letting people see the real me, and you feel like, wow, that's a real breakthrough because I've never acknowledged something like that before. And then a month later, you're having a different conversation, and they are maybe being more defensive, and they're not acknowledging that they have intimacy blocks, and you say, You acknowledged yourself a month ago that you blah blah blah blah blah, and so you're taking that which they shared vulnerably with you and turning it against them and using it to bolster your own argument and to get what you want. Right? That is not loving. It's not kind. It's manipulative, and it's, again, certainly not going to lead to more vulnerability, more emotional safety, more connection. It will do the opposite.
[00:19:40]:
So make sure that you are a safe person for them to open up to, and that you are handling with care anything that they share with you, because anything else and that's not going to happen again. That's going to prove their story right, that opening up to people is not the right thing to do. It is not a safe thing to do. Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful. Just to recap, those three tips were to focus on building up your own self esteem and self worth so that there is more balance in the relationship and they don't feel like you are so dependent on them and needing connection with them from this really intense survival driven place. That's going to allow them to take steps towards you and towards deeper connection without fearing that they're going to be smothered. The second one was don't appoint yourself as their coach or their therapist.
[00:20:33]:
Don't offer unsolicited advice or feedback. Don't approach them with this agenda of trying to transform them or heal them. It's not a very sexy dynamic, and particularly if they haven't asked for input, that it's going to come across as controlling and manipulative, and it is going to do the opposite to what you are intending. And the third and final one was, if and when they do open up to you, make sure that you are a safe landing place for whatever they share. Definitely don't punish them or get angry at them, get upset at them, or use it against them in some way to bolster your own argument or your point of view. We really have to be responsible and kind and loving and respectful of the things that people share with us when they are sharing vulnerably. So I hope that that was helpful. As I said, if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, definitely jump on that wait list via the link in the show notes or on my website.
[00:21:34]:
I would love to see as many of you as possible in the program. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:44]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecure attachment, avoidant partner, intimacy, emotional safety, vulnerability, anxious attachment, Healing Anxious Attachment, program registration, self-esteem, self-worth, personal growth, protective patterns, defense mechanisms, emotional experience, curiosity, non-judgmental, emotional response, trust, connection, mindfulness, independence, autonomy, self-confidence, relationship dynamics, emotional closeness, communication, vulnerability blocks, supportive community, self-sufficiency