#173: How to Rebuild Self-Worth After a Break-Up
In today's episode, we're talking about how to rebuild self-worth after a break-up. It's so common, particularly for anxious attachers, to emerge after a break-up feeling incredibly uncertain and lacking in self-worth. We become acutely aware of the extent to which we lost ourselves in the relationship, but often don't know where or how to begin reconnecting with who we are.
We'll talk about:
Why it's so common for self-worth to be damaged after a break-up
Self-abandonment and self-loss when relationships are under strain
Deciding to go all in on yourself
Practical tips for rebuilding self-worth and reconnecting to your authenticity
Rebuilding Self-Worth After a Break-Up
Break-ups can be incredibly challenging, particularly when they're unexpected or prolonged. These emotional upheavals often leave us feeling battered, questioning our value and self-worth. But every ending also heralds a potential new beginning. Despite the pain and heartache, a break-up offers an invaluable opportunity for introspection, growth, and the rebuilding of our self-worth.
Understanding the Impact of Break-Ups on Self-Worth
When a relationship ends, especially one where we felt deeply invested, it's natural to feel a jarring sense of loss. For those with an anxious attachment style, this period can manifest as an overwhelming void. You've likely spent considerable time and energy focusing primarily on your partner, perhaps to the detriment of your own needs and well-being. This can leave you questioning yourself and feeling unmoored when that central focus disappears.
During the final stages of a strained relationship, it’s common to experience feelings of self-abandonment. You might have ignored your own needs or compromised your boundaries in a desperate bid to salvage the relationship. When these efforts fail, it's not just the relationship that ends but also the illusion that you could control the outcome by sheer force of will. This perceived failure can severely dent your self-worth, making the post-break-up period particularly harrowing.
Embracing the Opportunity for Change
While it's essential to honour the grieving process, it’s equally important to recognise the break-up as a catalyst for positive change. Here lies the chance to reflect, rebuild, and redirect energy towards self-growth. The intentional approach to this transformation is key—using the pain as fuel for growth and evolution rather than allowing it to anchor you in despair.
Prioritising self-care is a foundational step in this process. It's about more than just surface-level indulgences; it’s about nurturing your body and mind. Engage in activities that promote physical and mental well-being. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and ample sleep are simple yet effective ways to support your body through this transition. By nurturing yourself, you lay a strong foundation for rebuilding your self-worth.
Testing the Edges of Your Comfort Zone
Growing stronger often means stepping outside of your comfort zone. Engaging in activities that challenge you can be incredibly empowering. Whether it’s trying a new hobby, learning a new skill, or tackling a project that pushes your boundaries, these experiences build resilience and self-efficacy. The challenge is not to avoid discomfort but to embrace it, knowing that it will ultimately broaden your horizons and reinforce your belief in your capabilities.
The process of facing and overcoming challenges provides invaluable evidence of your competence. This first-hand experience is vital for cultivating self-trust. When you actively engage in pursuits that test your limits, you demonstrate to yourself that you are capable and resilient, which in turn, bolsters your self-worth.
Re-Evaluating Relationships and Behaviours
Part of rebuilding self-worth involves a critical examination of your current habits, relationships, and behaviours. Identify the patterns and influences that detrimentally impact your self-esteem. This might include certain friendships, environments, or personal habits that leave you feeling less than your best.
It’s crucial to establish boundaries and practice saying no to situations and people that do not serve your well-being. This might mean distancing yourself from relationships that are consistently draining or harmful. Taking responsibility for these choices is paramount. It’s about acknowledging your role in maintaining a status quo that undermines your self-worth and deciding to make changes that align with the person you aspire to be.
Building Self-Worth Through Self-Responsibility and Integrity
While self-compassion is essential, it must be balanced with radical self-responsibility. This means recognising where your actions and choices contribute to your current state and making a conscious effort to change them. Write down your values and the person you want to be, and identify the areas in your life that are out of alignment with these ideals. This honest self-assessment is a powerful tool for personal growth.
Maintaining integrity with yourself reinforces self-respect and self-worth. When you consistently act in ways that align with your values, you create a positive feedback loop that strengthens your sense of self. This process is not merely about avoiding behaviours that harm your self-esteem but actively engaging in practices that affirm your worth.
Conclusion: Embrace Your Journey
Navigating life after a break-up is undoubtedly challenging, but it is also ripe with potential for rebirth and self-discovery. By nurturing your physical and mental well-being, seeking out new challenges, and critically evaluating your relationships and habits, you can rebuild a sense of self-worth that is robust and resilient. Remember, this journey is about becoming the best, most authentic version of yourself, and gifting yourself the love and commitment that you deserve.
This season of rebuilding is about more than just recovering from a break-up; it’s about reclaiming your life, your values, and your sense of self. Embrace it fully, and watch as new possibilities unfold.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you experienced a loss of self-worth after a breakup. How did it manifest in your daily life and interactions with others?
Steph mentioned the importance of embracing the grieving process and evolving through it. What are some ways you can honour and embrace your own grief after a breakup?
In the episode, it was discussed that anxious attachment can lead to self-abandonment in relationships. How often do you find yourself prioritising your partner’s needs over your own, and what are the consequences for your self-worth?
Think about a challenging period in a past relationship where you felt powerless. What actions, if any, did you take to try and regain control, and how did they affect your sense of self?
Reflect on Steph’s advice about seeking challenging experiences to rebuild self-worth. What is one challenge that feels edgy yet exciting to you, and how can you take a step towards it this week?
Consider the concept of "ruthlessly culling" things that erode self-worth. What are three behaviours, stories, or relationships that negatively impact your self-esteem, and how can you start addressing them?
Steph talks about recognising the turning point where you can choose to rebuild yourself after a breakup. Have you reached similar turning points in your life, and what decisions did you make during those times?
Reflect on your current relationships, romantic or otherwise. Are there areas where you feel you have abandoned yourself? How can you redirect focus towards your own well-being and integrity?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
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FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to rebuild your self worth after a breakup. So this is something that I'm sure I've touched on before on the podcast. Gosh, we're almost at 200 episodes, so inevitably I've touched on this before on the podcast, but it's one that I get asked about a lot.
[00:00:50]:
And understandably so, I think for a lot of people, endings to relationships, and particularly when those endings were unwanted, and maybe the relationship died a long and painful death, we can really easily lose ourselves in that process of trying to hold on to someone else. And I think that can leave us feeling really empty handed and a little bit worn down in terms of our self worth. And so while the grieving process after a breakup is something that I really believe in honouring and actually embracing rather than trying to bypass or avoid. I also think that breakups are a really beautiful opportunity to evolve, and to reflect, and to rebuild ourselves. With the benefit of everything that we've learned and experienced, And that's really how we grow, and I think it's only when we approach that with a level of intentionality that we're able to use our breakup for our own good and really emerge better than ever before. So in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing some thoughts specifically around self worth, you know, why breakups and unhealthy relationships can be damaging to our self worth, what that can look like in the breakup period, and my best advice for how you can turn things around if you're feeling really down in the dumps, you're feeling really sorry for yourself, you're feeling really powerless and helpless, all of which are pretty common and very human experiences after a breakup, How you can draw a line in the sand and be really clear and decisive for yourself around what this period is going to be, and what you're going to dedicate this next chapter in your life to, and how you can really use all of that, everything you've experienced as fuel for growth and evolution rather than just as something to weigh you down. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:02:49]:
I made a snap judgment a couple of days ago to relaunch my Secure Self Challenge in a couple of weeks' time, which I'm really excited about. For those who are relatively new here or maybe need a refresher, the Secure Self Challenge is a 28 day challenge that I've run a couple of times now, and it's a really, really beautiful way to join in community with others while spending 4 weeks focused on building your self worth. So very much in keeping with today's theme, and certainly if you are in that space of just having been through a breakup and you're wanting to do something for yourself, this would be a great option. Although it's not breakup specific. Each week of the challenge has a different theme around the pillars of self worth, and it's designed to be really doable. It's not very content heavy. You get a short audio lesson each week, a guided meditation, and either a homework challenge or a written thing, and there's a community space where everyone can come together and reflect and share and grow. So it's always been a really great vibe.
[00:03:50]:
It's always been very light and fun and supportive, and everyone gets really involved. So if that sounds of interest to you, definitely check it out. I've linked it in the show notes, or you can head straight to my website. We've already had about 30 people sign up in the last 24 hours since I announced that I was going to run it again, so it's already looking like it'll be a great group, And I'd love to have you there if you're interested in spending a few weeks with me building self worth. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around self worth and how to rebuild after a breakup. So as I alluded to in the introduction, it's really, really common, particularly if you're someone with anxious attachment, towards the end of a relationship, when a relationship is maybe on its last legs, that you will experience a loss of self. If you haven't prior to that, I've spoken many times before about the broader tendency among people with anxious attachment to experience self abandonment and self loss in relationships, which is often coming from a place of being so overly focused on the other person, getting them to love us, choose us.
[00:04:58]:
In the process of that, we maybe downplay our own needs or feelings. We think that that's less important or maybe in some way will threaten the connection, and so we just try and switch it all off. All of those things contribute to this gradual degradation in our self relationship. And towards the end of a relationship, if things are feeling really hard and strained and rocky and challenging, that tends to only be accentuated, that self loss, because the more threatened the relationship feels, the more someone with anxious attachment is going to dial up their efforts, and be ever more focused on the other person, the relationship, trying to make it work, but that can often look like clinging, gripping so tight, thinking about the relationship constantly, overanalyzing everything, strategizing, doing every possible thing in your power to try and salvage what feels like a sinking ship. And of course that's so stressful and exhausting and relentless, but it feels like you don't have a choice. Right? What else are you meant to do? And it can feel really powerless to be in that position, particularly if the person on the other side isn't really coming to the table, and so you feel like you are solely carrying the burden of trying to salvage something, and particularly when that means so much to you, and so much of your sense of identity and your sense of safety is bound up in being in that relationship, obviously the stakes feel incredibly high. So with that as the backdrop, it makes a lot of sense that we would become less focused on ourselves, and maybe be in a space where we're really devaluing ourselves, both directly and indirectly. We might be really feeling self critical and blaming ourselves for whatever is going on in the relationship, but I think we can also indirectly be devaluing ourselves by the way that we're showing up.
[00:06:51]:
We tend to show up in a way that is quite victim and helpless and begging and pleading, and all of that is not being grounded in this sense of maturity and really knowing our worth and our value. So if that's something that resonates with you and you can relate to it, know that you're not alone. That's very common. I've certainly been there, and it's not a nice energy to be in. And of course, if that all of that efforting that you've been doing still leads to the relationship endings, or despite your best efforts, the relationship does end. The other person maybe says this is too much. I can't do this anymore. Of course, on top of all of that pain that you'll be feeling, there's this sense of failure that, like, I abandoned myself and I tried to be so easy and so lovable and so perfect, and I put so much of myself into that mission, and it still wasn't enough.
[00:07:47]:
Right? And the part of us that feels unworthy and unlovable, that's so tender to feel like no matter how hard we try, we did everything for this person and this relationship, and they still left us. So of course, that's going to really touch into those wounds that so many of us carry around abandonment and unworthiness. And so with that as the setting to a breakup and your emotional landscape coming into a breakup, of course you're going to be feeling really, really low much of the time after a breakup. And I've spoken before on the podcast about how for anxiously attached people, there's this added element of feeling really, almost frantic in not having something to do with all of that energy that you're accustomed to expending on the relationship. So if you're used to frantically orbiting around someone else and obsessing about them and thinking about them and strategizing, even if it's from this kind of fixing place or an unhappy, unsatisfied place in the relationship, maybe you're complaining all the time. Having that taken away, you've got nothing to swirl around anymore, and you're left in this void that can feel deeply uncomfortable. And so, in that space, you might become acutely aware of the emptiness that is the rest of your life. In the sense that if you've abandoned yourself, your authenticity, your other relationships, your hobbies, all of these things that can fall by the wayside a bit when we're really laser focused on our relationship to the exclusion of all else, particularly if we've isolated ourselves a bit towards the end of a relationship, which again can happen, particularly if the relationship is pretty dysfunctional and maybe there's an element of shame around that.
[00:09:33]:
And so we don't really want to be in the company of other people because we don't really want to be honest about how bad things are because we're so hell bent on salvaging things. And so it just feels easier to cut ourselves off from other people. Again, I've been there, I get it. And so we can look around and go, Wow, there's not much happening here. I've really lost myself. And I think that's, if you're there or you've been there, that's like a turning point. There's a decision point there. And I think from there we can go, I'm such a failure.
[00:10:04]:
I'm such a loser. No one's ever gonna love me. Look at my life. There's nothing going on. What's wrong with me? AKA we can collapse into shame there, or we can look around and go, I'm not going to let this happen again, and this is not me. This is not the me that I want to be showing up as, and I'm going to look around me right now and take this as a really valuable lesson of what happens when the parts of me that carry those wounds around feeling unworthy, feeling not good enough, feeling unlovable, when those parts are in the driver's seat in my relationship, this is where it takes me. And I really want to give myself the gift of more than this, because that feeling of powerlessness is not a nice one. Again, I say this having been there, feeling like someone else gets to determine how you feel about yourself is a really vulnerable place to be, and not the good kind of vulnerability.
[00:11:05]:
Vulnerable in the sense of really powerless and lacking in agency. So at this decision point, I really want you to stop and make that decision. If you are really committed to going all in on yourself, that's the point at which you have to say, like, enough is enough. And decide that you are going to gift yourself a season in which you will be totally devoted to rebuilding your sense of self and to becoming the best version of you, the most fully expressed version of you. And that's going to require honesty, it's going to require self discipline, it's going to require that you lead from your more mature, grounded self who really trusts that there is more for you than what you've been living, and not the parts of you that are wounded. Right? And again, we're not doing that from a place of making those parts of us that are wounded and tender and vulnerable and fragile not making those parts wrong or trying to get rid of them, but rather giving them the comfort of saying it's okay, I know that this has been really hard, we're going to try something different now, and you can trust me. Right? That's the sort of inner relationship we want to be cultivating always, and particularly in more fragile seasons. So in terms of the practicalities, if you're at this decision tree point and you feel inspired to say, enough, right? I'm not going to let this person, my ex, or whoever, determine how I feel about myself, and let them be the arbiter of my worth.
[00:12:40]:
Some of the things that I have found myself and, you know, clients and students to be really, really helpful in this period of rebuilding, as follows. So I'm going to share a few. The first is to really dial up your self care. And I mean this in the sense of nurturing the things that give you a sense of vitality and aliveness and well-being. Right? So not self care necessarily in the sense of glossy magazines, needing it to look a certain way, but in this sense of how can I allow myself to feel in my body, in my being, as good as possible? And it seems a bit obvious, but oftentimes we don't do that, and there's some part of us that wants to put a ceiling on how good we get to feel. And so if you have been cutting corners on your well-being, again, that can happen. There's all of those stereotypes after a breakup of just eating ice cream on the couch in your pajamas for weeks on end. If that's where you've been at and you're ready to turn a page and kick yourself into gear, I think it's really, really beneficial to start doing things that support you to feel good in your body.
[00:13:54]:
So exercising, getting outside a lot, eating well, lots of fresh air, lots of sunlight, all of this stuff that is not rocket science, but it's easy to deprioritize when we're maybe not feeling great. It's one of those things where you don't have the motivation to do that because you're feeling lethargic and heavy and weighed down by everything, but that is what's going to be the thing that clears your system. So you actually have to take action before you necessarily feel inspired or motivated to. Another big one that I always encourage people to do is do something that feels challenging to you. So something that allows you to test the edges of your comfort zone and experience your own efficacy. So, so much of the time when we are feeling powerless, helpless, afraid, anxious, it's because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle whatever life throws at us. And so, so much of my work could be distilled down to this thing of like, How can I build my capacity to be with whatever life throws at me? This is something that we look at a lot in the Secure Self Challenge. It's not about ensuring that life goes exactly to plan, it's being big enough and strong enough and resilient enough that I can trust in the flow of life.
[00:15:12]:
And the more I am exposed to and deliberately seek out opportunities to experience challenge and have this embodied evidence of my capability, my competency, my efficacy, all of those things really allow our body, our system, our mind in a very integrated way to know I can experience discomfort and actually come out better for it. And if you have evidence of that, an embodied experience of that, life stops feeling so overwhelming and so scary, and you actually don't have to live in this constant state of trying to prevent anything bad from ever happening because you trust that you can handle it if it does. And it will, right? Life is a series of obstacles and ebbing and flowing, and the more we are resisting the ebb, the more we rob ourselves of the joy and presence of being in flow. And so I think the more we can surrender to all of it, and have that in an environment of self trust and knowing that we'll have our own back, then we are freed up to actually be present and enjoy our lives, which is of course what we all want. So really testing ourselves and developing more trust in our capacity to do hard things and do them well, and do them with dignity and grace and self belief is a very very powerful thing to do. At any time of life, particularly when you've been through something hard and your self worth is feeling a bit rocky, seeking out challenging experiences is a really, really powerful way to do that. And that can look different for everyone. But think of what's something that feels edgy and uncomfortable and pushing the edges of my comfort zone in a way that maybe excites me a little bit.
[00:17:00]:
That's always a good thread to follow because I think it can show us deeper yearnings within us that maybe we've held ourselves back from because we don't believe we could. And proving that story wrong is a very very powerful way to build self worth. Okay. And the last tip that I want to give you in rebuilding self worth is you need to ruthlessly cull all of the things that you do that detrimentally impact your self worth. Now, that includes the stories you tell yourself, that includes the behaviors you engage in, maybe the people you spend time with, all of these things that drag you down and leave you feeling less than and bad about yourself and maybe ashamed of how you show up, if there are certain groups of people that consistently, when you're around them, you behave in a way that you don't actually like yourself, you need to do something about that. Don't just continue doing the things that reliably lead you to not like yourself, and expect that suddenly something's going to be different. Right? If you are continuing to do repetitions of an exercise to build a muscle, and you don't want to be building that muscle, then something's got to give. Right? Something has to change.
[00:18:09]:
And part of building self worth is being honest and self responsible. As much as I emphasize self compassion, again this is something we talk about a lot in the Secure Self Challenge, as much as I emphasize self compassion, and I absolutely do, I think it is non negotiable in any journey of meaningful self growth, self compassion doesn't mean that we abrogate responsibility. I am a fierce advocate for taking very, very radical self responsibility around the ways that we are holding ourselves back and that we are participating in building a status quo for our lives that we do not like. So get really honest with yourself. Put down on a piece of paper, write down what your values are, the kind of person you want to be, how you want to show up, and all of the things that you have been doing, and see where the gaps are. You know, figuring out where I'm out of alignment, and getting really honest with myself about how my choices are impacting my internal sense of integrity. The more that you do that, and the more you take responsibility and this is things like boundaries, it's things like saying no, rather than saying yes because you're worried about what people think of you. All of these things, like giving into peer pressure, not wanting to rock the boat so just going along with things, all of that is just chipping away bit by bit at your internal sense of self and your sense of integrity and self worth and self respect and all of that stuff.
[00:19:31]:
So it's not just about actively building self worth, it's also about stopping all of the things that are eroding your self worth. And the more you have clarity on that full picture, the better able you're going to be to really actively dial this up and commit to this rebuilding in the next season of your life, if that's what you really want to devote it to. So I'm going to stop there. I hope that has been helpful and has given you some inspiration. As I said, I really believe that it is the absolute best thing that you can do for yourself if you are feeling a bit wobbly. And frankly, even if you haven't been through a breakup. If you're just feeling maybe you're in a relationship and you're feeling really powerless and at a loss, and it all feels a bit too hard, and you have got yourself stuck in this story loop that the other person gets to decide everything, and it's so unfair, and blah blah blah, you never treat me right. If you're feeling a bit stuck there, but you know you're not going to leave a relationship, I always think, and I use this a lot for myself, if ever I notice those kind of Victor Me, powerless stories coming up, it's like, just go all in on yourself.
[00:20:37]:
Like, where have I abandoned myself? Where am I not focusing on my own well-being to the fullest extent possible? And let that be your guiding light. Let that be your focus, your north star, your number one priority, and just watch as more things open up and more things become possible from that space. Because that space of victimhood, of feeling sorry for ourselves, of feeling defeated and worthless and all of that, It's a very contracted, collapsed energy, and not much grows there. So hope that's been helpful. If anyone is going through a break up or some other challenging period, I'm sending you lots of love. But also the absolute belief that you will emerge from this stronger than ever, and you will be wonderful. If you've enjoyed today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review or a rating on Apple or Spotify, or if you're watching on YouTube, like and subscribe to this video. All of that is super helpful and really supportive of the podcast and my work. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:45]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, self worth, breakup, grieving process, rebuild self worth, insecurity, thriving relationships, end of relationship, anxious attachment, self abandonment, holding on to someone else, coping with breakups, Secure Self Challenge, building self worth, community support, embracing growth, practical tools, podcast, self care, self discipline, coping mechanisms, emotional landscape, self compassion, self responsibility, individual growth, victimhood, identity in relationships, radical self responsibility, attachment styles