#185: How Caretaking Impacts Our Relationships
When we think about being a good partner, many of us picture ourselves as caring, attentive, and supportive. But sometimes, particularly for those of us with anxious attachment patterns, that caring instinct can tip into something else entirely: caretaking.
Caretaking is one of the most common — and understandable — patterns for those who experience relationship anxiety. It’s a way of trying to create safety, often without even realising it. Yet over time, it can set up dynamics of imbalance that don’t serve anyone involved.
In today’s post, I want to explore the difference between caring and caretaking, why we’re drawn into caretaking roles, and what the impact can be — on us, our partner, and the relationship itself.
Caring vs Caretaking: What's the Difference?
At first glance, caring and caretaking can look very similar. But when we scratch beneath the surface, the differences become clear — particularly when we tune into the feeling behind our actions.
Caring comes from a place of genuine compassion. It respects the other person's autonomy, offers support when it's welcomed, and strengthens the relationship through mutuality and healthy boundaries. It’s sustainable, empowering, and rooted in self-worth.
Caretaking, on the other hand, often comes from anxiety, fear, obligation, or a need for control. It can involve stepping in uninvited, assuming responsibility for the other person's emotions, and blurring boundaries. It tends to be draining, breeds resentment and dependence, and can ultimately stunt both people's growth.
When we’re caretaking, we’re often trying to soothe our own discomfort — whether that’s fear of conflict, fear of abandonment, or simply a feeling of unease when someone we love is struggling.
Where Caretaking Comes From
If you grew up in a family system marked by stress, chaos, or emotional unpredictability, caretaking may have been a necessary survival strategy. Perhaps you learned early that your role was to smooth things over, to keep the peace, to stabilise the environment.
Those instincts don't just vanish when we grow up. Without even realising it, we can carry that same energy into our adult relationships — rushing in to fix, buffer, or rescue, because it feels intolerable to witness someone else’s distress.
This becomes even more complex when attachment dynamics are involved. If you're more anxiously attached and your partner leans more avoidant, your instinct to draw closer and "help" can be met with withdrawal — exacerbating your anxiety and increasing your drive to caretake even further. It can feel like a vicious cycle: the more stressed they are, the more you step in; the more you step in, the more they pull away.
The Hidden Costs of Caretaking
While caretaking may be well-intentioned, it ultimately tends to backfire — for everyone involved.
For you, it can lead to chronic stress, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. You might find yourself feeling unappreciated, overburdened, or trapped in a dynamic where you're doing all the emotional heavy lifting.
For your partner, it can feel controlling, infantilising, or suffocating. Rather than feeling supported, they may feel undermined — as though you don't trust them to navigate their own challenges. Over time, your well-meaning attempts to help can actually deprive them of opportunities to grow, adapt, and build resilience.
And for the relationship itself, caretaking creates an imbalance that corrodes true intimacy. Relationships thrive on mutual respect and autonomy — not on one person over-functioning while the other under-functions.
Why Letting Go Is So Hard
Caretaking often serves an important emotional function: it can feel like an insurance policy against abandonment. The unspoken hope is, If I make myself indispensable, they won't leave me.
So pulling back from that role can feel terrifying at first. It requires tolerating discomfort — the discomfort of seeing someone struggle without rushing in, the discomfort of loosening your grip on control, the discomfort of trusting that things might not run smoothly (and that that's okay).
It's not about swinging to the other extreme and withdrawing all support. It's about finding a healthier middle ground — one that honours both your own needs and boundaries, and your partner’s capacity to manage their own.
Moving Toward Healthier Dynamics
Awareness is always the first step. Start by asking yourself:
What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t step in right now?
Am I acting from love, or from fear?
Is this truly about supporting them, or about soothing my own discomfort?
Then, experiment with giving a little more space. Let your partner experience their own stress, their own consequences, their own growth edges. Trust that they're capable — even if it's messy at times.Yes, it will feel uncomfortable at first. Yes, things might not be perfectly smooth. But that’s part of recalibrating to a healthier, more secure dynamic — one where both people are empowered, respected, and free.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you recognise a caretaking pattern in your relationships, and if so, where do you think it originates from in your own history?
When you feel compelled to step in and ‘fix’ things for others, what emotions or fears are driving that impulse?
How do you distinguish between genuine caring and caretaking behaviours in your relationships? Are there clear signs you can identify in yourself?
Reflect on a recent situation where you may have over-functioned or taken responsibility for something that wasn’t yours to carry. How did that impact you—and the other person involved?
What do you fear would happen if you didn’t step in to help or manage someone else’s distress? Is this fear based on past experiences?
How might your caretaking tendencies be affecting the growth or autonomy of those around you—whether in romantic relationships, family, or friendships?
Are there ways in which your need to be needed acts as insurance against rejection or abandonment? How does this show up for you?
In what areas of your life do you feel resentment building due to an imbalance in responsibility or emotional labour? What role have you played in perpetuating this dynamic?
How comfortable are you with letting others experience stress, discomfort, or negative outcomes? What comes up for you emotionally when you allow this to happen?
Imagine what a more balanced, mutual approach to care in your relationships could look like. What practical steps could you try to move towards this shift?
Feel free to spend time reflecting on any that resonate, and remember—self-compassion and honesty are key here.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking about a very very common relationship dynamic, particularly for those with anxious attachment patterns, although not exclusively those with anxious attachment patterns, and that is the role of the caretaker. And more specifically, looking at how caretaking can create imbalance in our relationships and ultimately set us up for patterns and dynamics and relational environments that actually don't serve anyone involved. And yet, it's a really really easy one to fall into, particularly if you are someone who struggles with anxiety, if you tend to over function, if you tend to take responsibility for things that maybe are not within your control or are not actually your responsibility to be taking on. It's a really easy role to fall into, and it's certainly one that is an easy place for me to go, even now. It's part of my ongoing work to pull back on my instinct to over function and to try and buffer all of the stress in the relationship, in our environment. That's a big part of my work as well, so if what I'm about to share today resonates with you, know that you are not alone.
[00:01:44]:
It doesn't mean you're broken. It's just one of the many strategies that we've picked up along the way that no doubt makes sense in the context of our history, our past, and there is, as always, wisdom in these strategies. They've served a purpose for us, but we do also have to look at okay, what's it costing me to be in these kinds of dynamics? What's the impact that it's having on my relationship and myself, my own well-being? How does it impact the other person? Because I think there can certainly be a shadow or an underbelly side to caretaking, and how we can sort of shift towards something that's a little bit more balanced, a little bit more mutual, a little bit more reciprocal, which will undeniably serve the relationship in the long run. So gonna be sharing some thoughts about all of that today. Now before I do, some of you might have noticed that the podcast is a few days late this week. Hopefully most of you didn't notice, although now I've outed myself as being disorganized as always. Anyway, podcast is a few days late this week because I've been working on something very exciting, which is a brand new free training. If you follow me on Instagram or you're on my email list already, you might have seen me share about it, but it is a new, about seventy five minute free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love.
[00:03:02]:
It's a really comprehensive training. It's deep, it's vulnerable. I share quite a bit of my personal story, and I really, really encourage you if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment, go and check it out. As I said, it's completely free. Sign up. The link is in the show notes. It's also on my website, my Instagram. You can find it anywhere.
[00:03:22]:
But it's a really, really comprehensive training where I share not only my exact three part framework for healing anxious attachments, so really distilling down the importance of nervous system regulation, self soothing self regulation, subconscious belief reprogramming, and then secure relationship skills. I also talk about why it might feel like the work isn't working for you, so how to know if you can actually heal your anxious attachment, and why you might be feeling stuck if you've been doing all the right things but it doesn't seem to be moving the needle or you don't seem to be making the progress that you would like. And the final thing that I cover is how to know if it's just your anxious attachment, so to speak, or there's something really wrong in your relationship. There's something off in the relationship. There's some incompatibility. There's something that's going on with your partner that anyone would be responding in that way to, and I know that last one is a really, really common conundrum for people with anxious attachment. Asking that question of like, is it me or them? Am I crazy for feeling like this, or is this behavior really just not okay? So I share some thoughts on all of those things. As I said, it's a real deep dive.
[00:04:36]:
Over 500 people have already signed up for it in the last thirty six hours since I announced it, so there's been a lot of uptake, which is amazing, and getting some really great feedback. So definitely check it out if you're interested. How to heal your anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. Okay. So now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about caretaking in relationships. So I was prompted to speak about this for this week's podcast following a post I did on Instagram where I compared caring behaviors and caretaking behaviors. And I think that it's important to distinguish what is caring versus what is caretaking, because I think a lot of us think of ourselves as caring, right? We think like, Yeah, I'm just being loving. I'm just being caring.
[00:05:20]:
I'm just being thoughtful. But if we dig a little, if we, like, peel back a layer or we agitate a little on the surface, we can see that, like, Okay, maybe this caring behavior of mine is crossing a line. And that's not to say that it's wrong or bad, it's not to say we have bad motives, but it's just to acknowledge, like, what is this really about? What is going on for me here? What purpose is this serving? And is it landing the way that I want it to, is there something more than meets the eye in all of these so called caring behaviors. And so I wanted to share that list that I wrote on Instagram to kind of frame the discussion here so we're all on the same page in terms of what we're talking about. So caring comes from a place of genuine care and compassion, respects and defers to the other person's autonomy, doesn't over identify with the other person's pain, asks how can I support you and respects their answer, maintains healthy boundaries, strengthens the relationship by fostering mutual care and respect, leaves space for the other person to grow, and is sustainable and rooted in self worth? Caretaking, on the other hand, comes from a place of anxiety, fear, obligation, or control much of the time. It undermines the other person's autonomy by insisting on helping or stepping in, feels responsible for the other person's emotions or outcomes, so there's that degree of enmeshment, presumes to know what the other person needs and takes over, blurs boundaries often at one's own expense, breeds resentment, dependence, and imbalance, prevents the other person's growth by rescuing and fixing, and is draining and often stems from a need to be needed. So hopefully you're starting to see in that that there is a different feeling tone, there is a different, maybe, underlying motivation to what we might call caretaking behaviors as compared with caring behaviors. And I think the common thread to all of that is, is there healthy separation between us? Is there healthy boundary in this relational space, or am I rushing over to your side of things and trying to make sure that you never have to experience pain, discomfort, stress, fear, all of those things, anxiety.
[00:07:38]:
And oftentimes, the the tail end of that is because I don't feel comfortable with you experiencing those things. I don't trust you to experience fear, stress, anxiety, pain, whatever. Either I don't trust you or it just doesn't feel safe to me for you to be going through that, and so I try and either buffer you from it or rescue you from it. I try and prevent you from ever having to feel that by overfunctioning and doing all of the things and taking care of all of your needs and making sure you never have to go through any of it, or if that does arise, I quickly rush in to try and take it away, make the pain go away because I can't bear it. It makes me feel so stressed, uncomfortable, abandoned, whatever it might be. And so looking a little at where that might come from, I think for a lot of us there can be a very old pattern here that might have arisen in a family system with a lot of stress, and oftentimes those of us who do fall into this caretaker role may have been in a family system where our role was to be the peacemaker, or to to care for other people. If there was someone or things going on that felt very tense, high stress, chaotic, dysregulated, dysfunctional, unpredictable, and the way that you learned to respond to that was to try and fix it and to try and stabilise, then there's a good chance that you've carried that through into some level of caretaking in your adult relationships. Again, this is a very familiar one for me because that was my role in the family system, is like the peacemaker or the mediator or the one who kind of goes around to everyone individually when there's been some sort of rupture and tries to restore peace and balance.
[00:09:18]:
And and certainly for me, even now, I have such a strong preference for there being no or minimal stress in the environment, and that feels like such a priority because I have really old wiring that says, like, stress and rupture ruins everything. Right? And so we can have so much compassion for these parts of us that that want to work so hard to either prevent that from happening or make it quickly go away when it feels like it might be happening. And if we can then look at the overlay of if you're anxious and you've got a more avoidant partner, we know that avoidant people, when they are experiencing those things, so when they're stressed, when they're anxious, when they're overwhelmed, whatever it might be, depressed, they tend to turn inward and pull away, withdraw. Whereas someone who's more anxious is likely to, at the very least, be open to communicating. They're unlikely to just totally withdraw and pull away. Someone who's more avoidant has learned to deal with stuff on their own, and can kind of lose all capacity or interest in connection when they're in that state. And so for you as the more anxious partner, when someone is turning their back on you, and if stress then takes on this additional thing of being associated with loss of connection, then that's going to up the ante in terms of its risk rating, for want of a better term, in your system. Right? If you then know that not only does stress just feel bad in my body and I feel like I'm a sponge for it, to the extent that someone else is stressed, I have learned from a very young age that, like, their stress is my stress, and their stress is threatening to me, and so I need to do something about it.
[00:11:00]:
In an adult romantic relationship, if you then have someone who who really does pull away in times of stress, and so you feel like I lose you when you're stressed, then of course it makes so much sense that you wouldn't want that to happen and you'd go above and beyond to not only be on high alert, but you'd maybe try and make sure that that doesn't happen, or if it does, that you quickly step in and make it all go away. So I'm assuming that some of you listening at least are nodding your head and going like, Yep, that's me. I do that. And maybe you are also aware of how exhausting it is, and how it does create these dynamics of imbalance and over functioning and being the buffer and being the sponge and feeling like so much is on your shoulders because you're just working so hard all the time. And maybe a lot of that's kind of covert, it's behind the scenes working, but you're doing that to try and make sure that we're never rocking the boat, that it's like smooth sailing all the time. And again, while we can have so much compassion for that, we also know what it costs us. And I think just as important as acknowledging what it costs us on the caretaking side, we also have to walk around to their side of things and go, what does it feel like for someone who is like an autonomous adult to have their partner treating them like an incompetent, incapable child. Right? That they need rescuing, that they're not able to deal with things on their own.
[00:12:29]:
And really this is where we see that overfunctioning enables and perpetuates underfunctioning. So one person does everything for the other, make sure no balls ever drop, make sure that they never have to experience stress, and you really end up depriving someone of the opportunity to grow because we know that it is through stress that we adapt and that we learn what we're capable of, and that's where we're really pushed to find solutions and all of those things. If someone if we're essentially wrapping someone in cotton wool all the time so that they never have to feel any stress, so that we never have to feel any stress by extension, we feel more in control, then we're ultimately depriving them of the opportunity to step up and live life and experience all of that, because it doesn't feel good to us, but that's not really fair. And it really does lead to these dynamics where we feel resentful, right? It's so easy to then go, Why do I have to be the one to blah blah blah? But if we're being honest, it's a self appointed role. It's very rare that someone asks you to do that. And I would say oftentimes, more avoidant people actively push against that and don't like that because they feel controlled, they feel infantilized, they feel like you're disrespecting them by not allowing them to figure things out on their own. And then I think that can be even more of a double whammy, because when someone then pushes back against that, you perceive it as they're being ungrateful because look at all that you're doing for them and they're not even thanking you, when really it's probably just not landing the way that you want it to. Because again, what we might think of as loving and caring and like, Look how much I'm doing for you, and isn't that just the loveliest thing? Someone might actually receive it as suffocating or patronising or any of those sorts of things.
[00:14:21]:
I think the other key piece that I'll say here, the other kind of branch off the tree in terms of what purpose this can be serving is almost the codependent thing of, like, if I can make them need me, then that serves as an insurance policy against my fear of rejection or abandonment. So if I can make myself so indispensable to this person, really make them rely on me, like, I am the linchpin that makes their life run smoothly, I make everything so much better and easier and more pleasant for them, then they're not gonna wanna leave me because their life would get so much harder if I wasn't there and doing all of those things all the time. So again, while we can look at it from one direction and say, like, wow, look how thoughtful and loving and considerate I'm being, looked at from another angle, if we're being totally honest with ourselves, we might acknowledge that there's that shadowy part of it that's almost a form of control or insurance against abandonment by making ourselves needed, making someone depend on us so that we feel like there's less likelihood that they could or would leave us. So what do we do with all of this? I think awareness is a really, really good first step as always. Noticing, like, what's really going on for me when I engage in these behaviors. A great question is, what am I afraid would happen if I didn't do this thing? Am I doing this to soothe some stress or discomfort or anxiety that's going on for me? Am I scared that if they get stressed, then something's going to happen, that they're gonna pull away, and then I'm gonna have to deal with their withdrawal? So I'm trying to prevent that from happening for my own sake. Getting clear on, like, what's this really about for me is a great first step, because that allows us to go, like, okay, this is what need it's meeting, and then we can start to look at what does something healthier look like, what does something more balanced look like. And the reality is, like, as always, as with all of these things, when we're shifting from a not so healthy old pattern into a healthier new pattern, the transition is not gonna be seamless, and it's generally not gonna be comfortable.
[00:16:28]:
Because those patterns are protective and they're soothing you in some way, so they are preventing your anxiety or they allow you to feel more in control when you're experiencing uncertainty. Pulling back and releasing the grip a little and not engaging in those over functioning responsibility taking, caretaking, rescuing, fixing behaviors, all of a sudden there's going to be space there. And that's probably going to feel very uncomfortable because you've always gone into this mode, and all of a sudden you have to pull back, and the energy like, your body's still going to generate all of that energy that's going to be mobilizing you into that response, so you're now going to have to learn to hold that. It's really an exercise in distress tolerance as so many of these things are. And so like noticing the discomfort, learning to hold the discomfort, and also particularly with something like this caretaking over functioning, recognizing that like if you've been going at 150% for a really long time and that's just been the norm in your relationship, that the balls might drop as you recalibrate, that things probably won't run as smoothly because you are shaking up a status quo where you've been doing more than you ever should have been, and that's okay. You might be saying, Yeah, but I have to do that because if I didn't, then everything would fall apart or all of these bad consequences would follow. And that's okay. Consequences are how we learn.
[00:17:54]:
And again, in depriving someone from experiencing consequences, then we're depriving them of learning lessons. Right? And so I think we do have to sort of just step back and let things unfold, and not be in there just working so hard to make sure that everything's perfect all the time, and there's never any cracks, and there's never anything going wrong. It's not sustainable. It's not reality. And it ultimately costs us and the other person and the relationship in the long run, because it ends up creating these very asymmetrical, one-sided dynamics that we then say, like, this is so unfair, and we harbor that resentment around. So I do think we need to take responsibility for the extent to which we are participating in and perpetuating those dynamics. And if it's not serving us, and I think in most cases it probably isn't if the goal is to have a secure, balanced, healthy relationship, then I think we have to recognize that there will be some discomfort, at least in the short to medium term, as we find our way to something that feels a little healthier. And I should say as well, I probably should have said this at the start, this is certainly not limited to romantic relationships.
[00:19:02]:
This is a pattern that's really easy to play out in families for sure. As I said, it often starts there, and so you'll often see it there. Potentially even in friendships as well, so it's if you're not in a relationship at the moment, you might still notice that. And I think some people know that they are that person in every area of life. They are the caretaker. They are the one who does everything for everyone all the time, and often at great cost. So I hope that this has been helpful. Obviously, there's a lot more that could be said on this topic because it really is just an application of or an expression of unhealthy boundaries.
[00:19:39]:
It's it's one of the places that that shows up. So there's so much more that I could say on this, but hopefully I've at least given you a bit of an orientation and something to think about in terms of, like, am I being caring? Am I being caretaking? Not to shame ourselves, not to be overly hard on ourselves, but just to be honest around, like, what's this really about for me? Is it serving me, and what might something a little healthier and more balanced look like? So that we can, as always, bring it back to what's within my control, what's within my responsibility, and start building some healthier relationship patterns that ultimately free up so much energy and bandwidth for us to actually be in our relationships from a place that isn't so bogged down in control and anxiety and resentment. Okay. Gonna leave it there. I really hope that this has been helpful. As I said, definitely sign up for the free training if you're someone who experiences anxious attachment and you'd like to dive in a little deeper with me. Definitely one to jump on, and I look forward to sharing it with so many of you hopefully. I'm really really delighted to have it out in the world after a lot of work putting it together, so I trust that you'll enjoy it. And that link is in the show notes, or you can find it on my website as well. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week, and I promise I'll be on time. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, attachment styles, caretaker role, caretaking in relationships, caring behaviours, overfunctioning, codependency, relationship imbalance, healthy boundaries, resentment in relationships, nervous system regulation, self-soothing, self-regulation, subconscious belief reprogramming, secure relationship skills, avoidance in relationships, childhood family dynamics, peacemaker role, stress in relationships, autonomy in relationships, mutual care, reciprocal relationships, control in relationships, fear of abandonment, enmeshment, dependency, healing attachment wounds, relationship patterns, relationship imbalance, distress tolerance, personal growth in relationships