#131 On Getting Back Together with an Ex
In today's episode, we're talking all about getting back together with an ex. Facing the prospect of rekindling after a relationship has ended can bring up so many conflicting feelings - longing, optimism and hope, together with fear, worry, self-doubt and anxiety.
In today's episode, we're talking all about getting back together with an ex. Facing the prospect of rekindling after a relationship has ended can bring up so many conflicting feelings - longing, optimism and hope, together with fear, worry, self-doubt and anxiety.
In helping you navigate the messiness of these situations, I'll be sharing some good reasons and some not-so-good reasons why you might consider getting back together with an ex, and how you can best approach that decision to support yourself and your relationship going forward.
♥️♥️ VALENTINES DAY SALE: SAVE 50% ON HIGHER LOVE AND SECURE TOGETHER WITH CODE "BIGLOVE" ♥️♥️
Navigating the Decision to Get Back Together with an Ex
If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that relationships can be a rollercoaster of emotions. From the intense highs of love and connection to the gut-wrenching lows of heartbreak and uncertainty, it's no wonder that the decision to get back together with an ex can leave us feeling conflicted and confused. In this article, we'll delve into the complexities of rekindling with an ex, exploring both the potential pitfalls and the signs that it might be worth considering.
Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster
Breaking up with someone can stir up a wide range of feelings - grief, relief, loneliness, uncertainty, and self-doubt, to name a few. It's essential to recognise that these emotions are entirely normal, even if the relationship may not have been healthy. The aftermath of a breakup is often marked by a selective memory of the good times, leaving us longing for what once was, rather than acknowledging the hardships that led to the breakup.
For those with anxious attachment patterns, the post-breakup period can be particularly challenging. The focus on salvaging the relationship and the feelings of failure can exacerbate the emotional turmoil. It’s vital to acknowledge that even if a relationship was dysfunctional, the attachment to that person takes time to unravel. It’s not always rational - it's emotional and deeply biological.
Evaluating the Reasons to Rekindle
Amidst the overwhelming emotions of a breakup, it's essential to consider the motives for seeking to reunite with an ex. Missing your ex, fear of being alone, or simply feeling disheartened by the dating landscape are some common reasons. However, these reasons may not always provide a sturdy foundation for rekindling a relationship.
It’s important to be cautious of reuniting with an ex simply because you miss them. Grief and longing are typical after a breakup, but they alone may not warrant getting back together. Similarly, a fear of loneliness or a reluctance to re-enter the dating scene can inadvertently drive us back into a relationship that may not address our needs and desires.
Healthy Reflection and Communication
When considering the possibility of reuniting with an ex, honest and open communication is key. It's crucial to have clear conversations about the reasons for the breakup, how each party contributed to the issues in the relationship, and the unmet needs. Addressing these aspects could provide valuable insights into the patterns that were not working, and ways to nurture a healthier relationship.
Reflection on why things might be different this time is equally important. Simply being aware of the issues may not be sufficient - a proactive plan to nurture the relationship and prevent the re-emergence of past challenges is vital. Without a structured approach to address the root causes of the breakup, there's a risk of falling back into the same detrimental patterns.
The Role of Time and Growth
One potential indicator of a successful reunion with an ex is the presence of substantial time and personal growth since the breakup. A significant period apart can offer clarity and a fresh perspective. It provides an opportunity for both individuals to grow individually, learn from past mistakes, and evaluate what they truly seek in a relationship.
If time apart has allowed for personal growth and life circumstances have evolved positively, reuniting with an ex may present a more promising prospect. This new beginning offers the chance to build a relationship free from the baggage of the past, bringing a renewed sense of understanding and open communication.
In Conclusion
The decision to get back together with an ex is a significant one, fraught with emotional weight and potential challenges. It's essential to approach this decision with self-responsibility, honesty, and a compassionate understanding of our own needs.
Rekindling with an ex requires a thoughtful and reflective approach, focusing on clear communication, recognition of growth, insight into past issues, and a proactive plan for the future. While navigating this decision may be complex, assessing the reasons for considering a reunion will guide us towards making a choice that aligns with our well-being and personal growth.
If you're currently contemplating the possibility of reuniting with an ex, remember that it's okay to seek support and guidance through this process. The road to revitalising a past relationship can be uncertain, but with introspection and clear communication, it's possible to approach this decision with a sense of understanding and confidence.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How have you experienced the emotions of grief, loss, and relief after a breakup in your own life? How do these emotions influence your decision-making about getting back together with an ex?
2. Have you ever found yourself longing for the past good memories in a relationship after it has ended, leading to a selective memory of the day-to-day challenges? How did this impact your perspective on the relationship and the possibility of getting back together?
3. Have you ever felt the fear of being alone or settling for a familiar but dissatisfying relationship? How does this fear influence your decisions about reconnecting with an ex or starting anew in the dating pool?
4. In thinking about the reasons for getting back together with an ex, have you had clear conversations about how both partners contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, unmet needs, and the patterns that were harmful?
5. How do you approach the idea of growth and change, both in yourself and in a potential partner, when considering getting back together with an ex? What role does personal growth play in rebuilding a relationship?
6. Reflect on a time when you or someone you know had to navigate an anxious-avoidant dynamic in a relationship. How did this impact the decision to rekindle the relationship, and what factors should be considered in this context?
7. Have you ever faced the challenge of maintaining a balanced power dynamic in a relationship after reuniting with an ex? What are some warning signs and red flags to be aware of in this situation?
8. If you have taken a substantial amount of time apart from an ex and reconnected, how did this distance impact the potential for a renewed relationship? What changes or new circumstances made a difference in your decision?
9. Discuss the role of self-responsibility and self-care when making the decision to get back together with an ex. How can one balance their own needs with the desire to rekindle a relationship?
10. How important is it to have a plan for change and growth when considering getting back together with an ex? What are the key elements of a plan for rebuilding a relationship?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about getting back together with an ex. When you might consider doing that, what might be a good reason or some good reasons for thinking about that course of action, and what might be some not so good reasons that you might be considering getting back with an ex. Now, this is one of those ones that I get a lot of questions about. I have done an episode ages ago on the show around questions to ask when you're considering getting back with an ex, but it's been a while since I've addressed this topic directly, so I wanted to talk about it here to give you a bit of a sense and a bit of a roadmap in guiding that decision if that's a situation that you find yourself in where you're considering rekindling with someone that you've ended a relationship with, because I think there can be a lot of really powerful and confusing emotions at play and it can be hard to trust our own judgement. And fair enough, because, as I said, it is really confusing and emotionally dense. So I think having some guiding questions and some things to think about sometimes, to cut through the emotional noise of it all, can be really supportive when you're in that position.
[00:01:50]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, I just wanted to share that I am running a sale for Valentine's Day starting today, so I'm going to be offering 50% off my higher love course and my secure together course. So these are two of my best selling programmes. Higher love is a breakup course. It's a beautiful resource if you have recently been through a relationship ending and you're really struggling to process that. It's very much a comprehensive resource and toolkit to walk you through that process, not only processing the end of the relationship and finding closure around it, but then looking forward to the next chapter and gaining real clarity and confidence around what that looks like and what you are wanting going forward in relationships so that you can avoid maybe recreating a similar pattern or dynamic in your next relationship. Secure together is a course for couples primarily, or it's a relationship focused course. So that would be a great one for you if you're in a relationship secure together, is the course that I recorded with Joel, my partner.
[00:03:00]:
So it's very much focused on anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those dynamics in a non blaming, non shaming way that will allow you to connect and understand each other more deeply. And it's a very, very comprehensive resource in that respect, covering a whole range of topics. So either of those courses can be accessed for 50% off for the next week with the code big love, all one word. So if you're interested in that, whether you've been through a breakup or you're in a relationship, hopefully there's something for everyone there as a little Valentine's Day special. Okay, so let's talk about getting back together with an ex. So, as I said in the introduction, I want to give you some good reasons and some, I don't want to say bad reasons, but kind of bad reasons, not so good reasons that you might be thinking about getting back together with an ex. Before I kind of get into the nitty gritty of those, I just want to set the scene a little and normalise and validate that. Of course, when a relationship ends, you're going to have so many mixed feelings.
[00:04:04]:
You might feel immense, overwhelming grief. You might feel really lost and disoriented, you might feel relieved, you might feel lonely, you might feel scared, you might feel a lot of uncertainty about the future. You might be feeling rejected, you might be feeling unworthy, really doubting of your lovability or your value. There's a lot in that. And I think that we maybe downplay just how emotionally overwhelming a breakup can be, given all of the things that it will often stir up within us. So if you've been through a breakup recently, and recently is relative, for some people, that might be a couple of days, others it might be months or even longer. I don't know that there's some sort of ideal timeline for processing that grief, because grief is really personal. And I just want to really normalise and validate any and all of those things that you might be feeling.
[00:05:06]:
And maybe there are lots of other things that are in there too, because it is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. And particularly if, as I know, a lot of my listeners are, if you are someone with more anxious attachment patterns. I've spoken many times before on the show about how breakups can be particularly challenging for folks with anxious attachment patterns, because so much of your sense of self and purpose and so much of your energy on a day to day basis tends to be orbiting around the relationship, pouring into the other person. And particularly when a relationship is feeling really strained or challenging, and that will often be the case. Towards the end of a relationship, the amount of energy that you were putting into it was probably heightened, right? That only tends to increase as things get harder. So for you to be completely consumed with trying to salvage something, only for it to ultimately end, that's going to be very, very challenging for you. And you probably feel, in addition to all of the other things that I just shared, you might feel a real sense of failure because you might have been carrying the self imposed pressure of needing to make it work, or if only you'd done something differently, then maybe things would have been different. I think another really common scenario after a breakup is that we can have a very selective memory around what the reality of the relationship was like.
[00:06:42]:
So all of a sudden, the day to day challenges and hardships in the relationship, which were very real and very overwhelming when we were in it, those tend to be alleviated, right? Because we're not in proximity to our ex, we're not having those same fights, we're not in the pressure cooker of the relationship anymore. And so all of that tension and pressure can fall away and we're just left longing for the good stuff. And we can really have rose coloured glasses in hindsight, when we're thinking about all of the things that we miss and all of the things that we will miss going forward, I think grieving the future that we're not going to have with them can be as devastating, if not more so, than grieving the past that we shared together. So I think in the days and weeks after a breakup, we have all of these realisations of, oh, I'm not going to get to go and do that thing anymore with my partner, or that show that we watched together, who am I going to talk to about that now or that restaurant that we loved? All of the little things that can sort of get lost in the bigger picture of a relationship that's not working can all of a sudden trigger this immense grief and this real sadness and longing and sorrow. So I think that our focus tends to go to all of that stuff that we're missing, rather than all of the things that we're relieved to no longer be having to deal with, because we sort of lose sight of how hard those things really were when we're no longer being exposed to it and we're just feeling the lack of the good things. So all of that to say that if you're experiencing those things, if you've been through those waves, that's really normal and understandable and very human. And it's unfortunately just a part of the process of a breakup, because a breakup really is an unravelling of all of that, of our attachment to someone. And even if it doesn't really make sense, I often get people saying, why am I so upset about a relationship ending that was clearly dysfunctional and I was sad and stressed all the time in the relationship.
[00:08:58]:
So why do I feel even worse now that it's ended? And it's so important to understand that this stuff isn't really rational. It's emotional, it's biological, it's our attachment system. And so even if a relationship was unhealthy, you had an attachment to that person. And with that person and untangling, that takes some time and will feel really uncomfortable. So I just wanted to start by recognising the realness of all of that, rather than just going straight into nice and easy questions and tips and pitfalls that maybe recognise or honour the emotional mess of a breakup. Because I think we've probably all been there and we know that it's way easier said than done, that it's simple but not easy, and that what might be obvious from the outside is really, really hard when you're on the inside. So with all of that being said, if you are in this situation of you've been through a breakup and you're contemplating getting back with your ex, whether that's because they've reached out or you want to reach out or you've been having discussions and it's on the cards that you might get back together and try again. Obviously, be discerning, apply this to your situation to the extent that it applies to your situation.
[00:10:17]:
But I want to start with some reasons why you might not want to make that decision. What we might call bad reasons to consider getting back with an ex. And I think that the first one is just that you miss them absent anything else. Right. If it is just an emotional pull and a yearning and a longing and a sadness, missing them, feeling really deep in the grief of the breakup, I do not think that that alone is enough or is a good justification for getting back together. Because, as I've just spent some time explaining, all of that's completely normal and will typically be present, even if the relationship was really unhealthy and probably needed to end. But I think that so many people fall into this trap of thinking, like, if this was the right thing, I wouldn't feel so bad. I wouldn't miss them so much.
[00:11:19]:
I wouldn't be feeling the absolute heavy weight of grief about this ending. And I'm so uncomfortable with that grief, I don't really know what to do with it. So how do I just backpedal and reverse this and go back to the comfort zone of the relationship, the familiarity of that, even if it's a better the devil you know kind of situation. A lot of people do that. They just can't cope with the feeling of disorientation and loss that comes with a breakup, and so they scramble back. And the reason why that's a bad reason to get back together, apart from the fact that you will always feel that after a breakup, is that none of the issues that led to the relationship breaking down are going to have been resolved in that scenario. And it's typically based on misguided optimism in this sense of, oh, but we love each other so much, and now we are able to see clearly how much we love and miss each other, so let's just try again. And while love and a realisation of how much you value each other is necessary, I don't think it's sufficient.
[00:12:28]:
And so just missing each other without more is not a good reason to think about getting back together. Okay. Another not so great reason for wanting to get back with your ex is a fear of being alone or ending up alone. Or maybe you've been broken up for a few months and you've started dating again and you find yourself a little disheartened by the reality of the dating pool and the whole dating experience. So I think, again, this happens a lot. I hear from people a lot in this situation of once they put themselves back out there, or maybe they're just grappling with the reality of starting from scratch and being single all of a sudden. The things that felt really hard and challenging and dissatisfying about their relationship pale by comparison when thinking about having to reenter single life, which for some people, reentering single life is a really exciting prospect for a lot of people. I know that it isn't, particularly with the realities of online dating and how exasperating and demoralising even that process can be.
[00:13:32]:
So I think that often there can be this sense of the dread of approaching dating, or maybe you've been on dates, as I said, and it's been a little lacklustre, and then you start to go, oh, maybe my ex wasn't so bad, or maybe my previous relationship wasn't so bad. Maybe I can kind of slink back there with my tail between my legs and maybe all of my unmet needs or all of the things that bothered me there, I can just kind of suck it up and get over it, because at least it was comfortable and at least we loved each other. And that feels a lot better than the void that I'm swirling around in at the moment. Now, again, very human, very understandable, very natural. You're not pathetic or crazy or desperate to be contemplating getting back together on that basis. And I think we can also recognise that a sense of scarcity and loneliness is probably not the ideal foundation for thinking about rekindling and rebuilding a relationship that ended because it wasn't working. So I think that if that's the main driver for you, that sense of fear and loneliness and worry, that there's not something better out there. So I should just settle for a relationship that I wasn't happy in because I'm worried that that's the best I'm ever going to get.
[00:14:49]:
I don't think that that's fair to you or fair to your ex, frankly, because it's not really what you want. It's just maybe what you think is possible for you because you're feeling a little wobly in your confidence as you re approach dating. Okay, the next not so great reason to get back together with someone. And this is kind of specific to a certain dynamic and scenario that I get a lot of questions about. Again, if you were in a classic anxious avoidant kind of dynamic, and your partner kind of freaked out, had some fear come up and pulled away and withdrew and maybe said, I'm not ready for a relationship, or I don't think this is working, or maybe this isn't the right fit, they had some of those reservations come up and they ended the relationship on that basis and you were really devastated by that because that's not what you wanted, and then some weeks or months later, they pop their head up again and kind of act like nothing happened and try and reopen the connection without any recognition of what went on or why or what's going to be different this time, how they've processed whatever fears or resistance drove them to that behaviour in the first place. If it's a kind of, can we just sweep it under the rug and start again? Because I miss you, or anything in that vein, I would really, really counsel you against it because as we'll come to in a moment when we start talking about some good reasons to get back together, having real clarity around what went wrong and why and why it's not going to happen again is absolutely essential. And in the absence of that, if someone's not really taking ownership of what happened, and again, it's not about fault or blame, it's not saying like, you did this, so you have to make it right in a finger pointing kind of way. But it is just recognising that something happened there and that was really painful for you.
[00:16:45]:
I know that for people who are in that situation where someone is having second thoughts and kind of has 1ft out the door and maybe you've broken up several times and then gotten back together, then broken up, then gotten back together. Continuing to play out that pattern establishes such an imbalanced power dynamic in the relationship whereby the person who didn't want the relationship to end and who wants to believe that it's going to be different this time, they tend to get smaller and smaller and smaller every time you come back together. Right? So if you're in that situation and your partner is coming back and wanting to try things again, but you're not really convinced that there is that self awareness and self responsibility around what was going on and how they plan to address that within themselves and relationally, then I think that it's, again, kind of misguided optimism that's coming from a place of hopefulness and yearning, but maybe is not really being kind to ourselves and being honest with ourselves about whether things are likely to really be what we need them to be in order for the relationship to work. And I think that when you've been in a dynamic where someone keeps pulling away and keeps getting scared and keeps running, then you become so hyper aware of that possibility that you become very small and you become very inclined to tiptoe around everything and walk on eggshells and not want to do anything that might tip them over the edge, that might scare them away, that might push them to the brink. And so you stop voicing needs and you try and be low maintenance. And as I said, it establishes a pretty imbalanced power dynamic in a lot of cases. So be really mindful of that as a possibility if that's a scenario that you're confronting. And as I said, I know that's a little bit more specific, but it's common enough that I get questions about it all the time.
[00:18:46]:
Okay, so let's pivot now to a couple of better reasons that you might want to think about getting back with an ex. Or maybe you relate to some of the reasons that I've shared that are not so great reasons and you want to put yourself in a better position to try rekindling. And these that I'm about to share will hopefully at least give you some guidance on what to aim for as part of that process, rather than just going in blind with hope and optimism but lacking a plan. So I think it is always a really good idea when you're thinking about getting back together with an ex that you have had very clear conversations around how each of you contributed to the patterns that existed in the relationship generally that weren't working, why the relationship ended, what caused the relationship to break down again with real clarity around how you each contributed to that and how it affected the other. What unmet needs were there in the relationship? Because in most cases there is some sense of we're not feeling satisfied here. And so many of the negative cycles that exist in relationships arise from unmet needs and conditions of not feeling valued, seen, understood. And so being able to talk about all of this stuff is absolutely essential if you're having conversations around getting back together and even trying to broach these topics is leading you into spiralling arguments. That's a bit of a red flag to suggest that maybe we are still lacking in the tools, the emotional safety, the awareness to be able to do the work that it would require for us to get back together in a way that's likely to be effective.
[00:20:26]:
So getting really honest with yourself around, like, okay, have we kind of done the work here? Do we know what led us to where we are? And an important additional step? Because I think a lot of people can fall into this trap of just having conversations that go round and round and round and we talk about it to death, and then we sort of burn out, fizzle out before we actually come up with a plan. So we don't walk away from the conversation with like, okay, so what's the action that comes from all of this talking that we've done? So being able to figure out, like, okay, why are things going to be different? Not just because we have awareness now that we didn't have awareness of before, because awareness is great and it's necessary, but again, it's probably not sufficient. You do need to go, okay, what are our commitments to each other? How are we going to make sure that this doesn't happen again? How are we going to proactively nurture our relationship so that we can address these things as and when they arise or even prevent them from arising, rather than letting stress get the better of us, letting ourselves fall back into old patterns. Because again, you can rest assured that if you're going in blind without a plan, you'll have the euphoria of being back together and it'll feel great for a bit, and then you'll just slip right back into where you were. And maybe with the added stress and hurt of feeling overwhelmed that you've landed back there when that wasn't what you wanted. So recognise that these patterns are really powerful and you're going to need to come up with a plan that you're both really on the same page around and you're feeling really collaborative and like minded in the way that you're wanting to approach it. That's going to really stand you in good stead to make sure that the relationship is different, because it is going to need to be different, otherwise it's going to end the same way. Okay?
[00:22:16]:
And as a last but related point, I think if you've taken a good amount of time apart, so maybe you've been broken up for six months, a year or longer, and you've lived a bit of life in between, and you've come back into contact somehow and you've reconnected and it feels good and you both have done a lot of growing in that time. You've sorted your shit out, to put it fontly, or at least you've done a lot of work in the direction of growing and getting to know yourself, and you're both open to trying something. And again, having, as I just talked about, a level of clarity around what you're both looking for, your values, your readiness for commitment, all of those things, and it does feel really aligned, then. That might be a scenario where it's.
[00:23:08]:
Like, okay, let's give it a crack. And maybe, as I said, with the benefit of time and space apart, a good amount of time and space apart, you might not have the emotional charge that comes with trying to get back together soon after breaking up. You might have a bit more distance from those patterns that could have existed in a previous iteration of your relationship. So it almost feels like in that scenario, you're starting from scratch with a new person, or at least with some sort of blank slate that allows you to come to it with really fresh eyes and not carrying all of the legacy baggage and wounding of a recent dysfunctional version of the relationship, because that's going to be very powerful in shaping the way that you relate to each other. So if you have had a bit more time and space apart and circumstances have changed, or maybe you broke up because you were long distance and now you're living in the same place or things like that, that kind of change the parameters, and it now feels aligned in a way that it didn't previously, then that might be a reason that you would explore rekindling or having another go. Okay, so I hope that that's been helpful for you. If you are someone who's been through a breakup recently and you've been toying with the idea of giving it another go or some other version of that scenario where it's on the cards that you could be rekindling with an ex, maybe they've popped their head up and you're wondering what you should do next. I hope that this has given you a lot of validation for how hard that is and a bit of a steer on some questions that you can ask yourself in reflecting and making that decision, because it is a big decision and it's one where we really want to be self responsible and honest and taking good care of ourselves while also obviously doing whatever we need to do and whatever we feel called to do in the relational field.
[00:25:01]:
So, as I said, I really hope that it's been supportive for you and a reminder that you can save 50% off my higher love breakup course or my secure together relationship course, anxious, avoidant couples course with the code big love, all one word. So thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:25:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. Close.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, guidance, insecurity, breakup, rekindling, emotional, grief, closure, anxious, avoidant, dynamics, self-imposed pressure, selective memory, unmet needs, emotional roller coaster, dating, commitment, values, clarity, personal growth, validation, resilience, decision-making, self-awareness, emotional safety, power dynamic, wounding, long-distance, reflection, support
#130 The Pillars of a Positive Relationship with Self
In today's episode, I'm sharing four pillars of a healthy relationship with self, that go beyond "self-love". These are more concrete, actionable focus areas that you can explore as you build a stronger and more resilient sense of self, and in so doing, reap the rewards in your relationship with others. We'll cover:
In today's episode, I'm sharing four pillars of a healthy relationship with self, that go beyond "self-love". These are more concrete, actionable focus areas that you can explore as you build a stronger and more resilient sense of self, and in so doing, reap the rewards in your relationship with others.
We'll cover:
Self-compassion
Self-care
Self-respect
Self-trust
The Four Pillars of a Healthy Relationship with Yourself
If someone asked you to define self-love, what would your answer be? For many, it's an elusive concept often associated with unattainable standards and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. However, it doesn't have to be this way. In the latest episode of On Attachment, the focus was on the pillars of a healthy relationship with oneself. Let's break down the four pillars that serve as the foundation for a healthy, thriving relationship with self.
1. Self-Compassion: A Road to Understanding
Unpacking the first pillar, self-compassion, reveals a shift in perspective from self-blame to self-understanding. It's about embracing self-compassion, not as an excuse for irresponsible behaviour, but as a step towards acknowledging, accepting, and holding space for oneself. This practice of turning towards oneself with curiosity effectively replaces the futile cycle of self-criticism with a compassionate and questioning mindset. Self-compassion is the antidote to the toxicity of expecting immediate fixes for our emotional struggles. It's the first step in the journey towards self-awareness, and, consequently, the gateway to more nurturing, grounded relationships with both self and others.
2. Self-Care: Attuning to Your Needs
The label "self-care" has been over-embellished, often associated with superficial acts of relaxation. However, it's imperative to dive deeper into its true meaning – the practice of listening to the needs and rhythms of our bodies, minds, and souls. This goes beyond the stereotypical image of pampering oneself with luxurious treats, extending to genuine attunement to our internal landscapes. It involves a conscious effort to pause, question, and respond to the signals and feedback emanating from within us. By effectively addressing our needs and capacity, we give ourselves the crucial gift of increased self-awareness and, in turn, self-trust.
3. Self-Respect: Cultivating a Foundation of Values
Self-respect is often overshadowed by the quest for self-love, yet it stands as a fundamental building block for a healthy relationship with ourselves. Deficient self-respect often manifests as an uncertainty about personal values, leading to a reliance on external validation. Cultivating self-respect entails understanding individual values, identifying discrepancies between actions and values, and making conscious efforts to realign them. Embracing self-discipline is integral in this process, and it further strengthens self-respect. The imposition of self-discipline is not a means of punishment, but rather a means of personal growth and resonance with one's core values.
4. Self-Trust: Navigating Life's Uncertainties with Conviction
Finally, self-trust is the cornerstone of the internal environment that fosters resilience and courage. It's about trusting in our ability to navigate through life's uncertainties, regardless of their outcomes. This is not about guaranteeing the success of every endeavour, but rather about acknowledging the strength and resources within ourselves to handle whatever life throws at us. By confidently embracing the unknown, self-trust enables us to commit to our values and aspirations, instilling a deep sense of peace and freedom from fear and anxiety.
In the grand scheme of things, building a solid relationship with oneself is a work in progress and is achieved through small, conscious steps towards nurturing self-awareness, compassion, respect, and trust. These pillars intertwine and amplify each other, leading to a profound internal transformation. As old patterns dissolve and new, healthier habits emerge, the journey towards a more substantial, enriching relationship with oneself manifests as a tangible reality. The beauty of this journey lies in the promise of resilience, courage, and an unwavering sense of peace, ultimately paving the way for more meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others.
In conclusion, these pillars serve not only as a formidable guide to building a stronger relationship with oneself, but also as a stepping stone to fostering balanced and fulfilling connections with others. It’s a journey that transcends the notion of self-love as an unattainable destination, and, instead, encapsulates a holistic and nuanced approach to self-care and personal development. As we navigate the complexities of our internal landscapes with compassion, care, respect, and trust, we pave the way towards a life enriched with contentment, resilience, and enduring connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
What patterns of seeking external validation have you noticed in your life? How has this impacted your relationship with yourself and others?
How do you approach self-compassion in times of struggle? Are there specific ways you can cultivate more self-compassion in your daily life?
In what ways do you currently practice self-care, and how do you feel about the term "self-care"? Do you think the concept has become overly commercialized, or do you find value in it?
Reflect on a recent decision you made based on your values. How did this decision impact your sense of self-respect and self-trust?
Think about a specific challenge or discomfort you've faced recently. How did you respond to it, and how do you think this reflects on your self-trust and resilience?
Have you ever felt pressure to conform to certain expectations to gain approval or validation from others? How has this impacted your self-respect and integrity?
What changes can you make in your daily life to tune into your body's needs and rhythms? How do you think this would influence your relationship with yourself and your overall well-being?
Consider a situation in your life where you've struggled with self-discipline. What might be the underlying reasons for this struggle, and how does it relate to your self-respect and self-trust?
Reflect on a time when you felt a deep sense of self-trust. What were the circumstances, and how did this impact your decision-making and overall well-being?
Think about a recent experience where you felt a strong sense of resilience. How did this experience influence your self-trust and your perception of your ability to navigate life's uncertainties?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about building a healthy relationship with yourself and more specifically, what some of the pillars of a healthy relationship to self are. Now, I've spoken many times on the podcast and elsewhere. If you've been following my work for a while about this idea of self love that is touted in a lot of personal development, content and circles, and how for me, at least personally, that kind of content has never really resonated. I think at various times in my life I've tried to pretend that it resonates and I've gotten kind of anthemic about self love and those nice little quotes and snippets that we might see, but it's never really resonated with me on a deep level because, let's face it, self love, particularly if you treat that as a destination that you're meant to reach a feeling that you're just meant to have. For a lot of us who've struggled with various forms and expressions of insecurity or low self esteem, just a wobbly kind of relationship with yourself and with others, feeling like self love is the destination that we're all meant to be striving towards and ultimately reaching, that can feel like a really big mountain to climb.
[00:01:58]:
And especially so if you've been told the story that self love is a prerequisite to you having a healthy relationship or being happy, living a life that you can be proud of and enjoy. I think if you're waiting for all of that to happen until you reach this nirvana place of self love, then that can feel pretty ironically, it can feel quite defeating and demoralising because that can feel really far away for a lot of people. And certainly for me, even now, I think I have a pretty healthy relationship with myself. I don't know that self love as some sort of destination. It doesn't really feel like a label that fits or that really means much to me. And so all of that being said, and you may have heard me say this before, my personal preference is to focus on some other pillars of self, things that are a bit more tangible and a little bit more specific, a little less abstract, and that are more readily translated into actions and practises that we can weave into our everyday in a way that we, bit by bit, we lay down the bricks and we build this foundation of a really solid relationship with ourselves that doesn't have to be self love as this big, all consuming feeling, but rather is based on just kind of a healthy, integrated, realistic relationship with ourself, that then, I think, allows us to approach relationships with others, whether romantic or otherwise, from a place of integrity and self confidence and self esteem and resilience, which I think should really be the goal for most of us. So in today's episode, I'm going to share four of those pillars of self. And this is inspired by or borrowed from the secure self challenge that I'm running, which starts in less than a week.
[00:04:03]:
So if you're listening to this around the time that it's released, there's still time to join us. It's a 28 day challenge and the four pillars that I'm going to talk about today line up with the four weekly themes that we're going to be diving deep into throughout the challenge. So if you're interested in exploring what I'm talking about today in the format of a challenge, which will have a weekly lesson and then a weekly practise or homework challenge, along with an online community, accountability, a couple of live calls with me, one of which is next week, and having that group experience, I would really love to see you inside the secure self, all of which is linked in the show notes or you can find it on my website. And this will be the last opportunity to join because as I said, we kick off next Monday, I believe. Okay, so let's talk about what it takes to build a healthy relationship with yourself. I want to start by giving you a permission slip, which kind of runs counter to everything that I'm going to say subsequent to this in the episode. And that is that if you are in this place of feeling really rubbish about yourself, feeling like your self esteem is in tatters, and maybe you've been trying therapy and podcasts and courses and books and everything, desperately searching for answers and solutions and fixes for why you feel the way you feel. Sometimes the answer isn't more searching.
[00:05:35]:
Sometimes the answer isn't continuing to seek the one thing that's going to provide you with the explanation that makes it all make sense, that then provides you with the roadmaps that will give you the solution or the remedy that liberates you from feeling the way that you've been feeling. Sometimes the solution is actually in just taking a break from all of that seeking and searching, because. And we'll come to this in a moment when we talk about self compassion. I think that depending on the mindset that you're in, when you come to any kind of self help, personal development, growth, work, it can either be really, really fruitful and a beautiful gift that you give to yourself, or it can reinforce all of the feelings of defectiveness and shame and brokenness and wrongness that you've been lugging around and that have led you to feel the way that you're feeling. So I think it's important to practise discernment and to get really honest around. Is consuming all of this stuff feeling supportive for me at the moment, or am I kind of frantically clutching at straws from this place of urgency and panic and needing to fix myself? And is that actually helping? Or is that making me feel even more defeated and hopeless and convinced that there's something fundamentally wrong with me? So sometimes when we recognise that it's actually not helping, and sometimes we need to not take it all so seriously and maybe just step away from it and maybe do something different. Give ourselves the time and the space to just be and to accept the process that we're in and the season that we're in, without scrambling desperately to get away from it all. Sometimes there's real peace in that, letting go and realising that we don't need to treat ourselves as a problem to be solved.
[00:07:40]:
And actually that doing so can make things worse rather than better. So that feeds nicely into the first pillar of self that I want to talk about, which is self compassion. Again, this is something that I've spoken at great length about, not only on the podcast, but in pretty much all of my programmes, because it's completely essential in my mind, to the effectiveness of any of this work, that we are turning towards ourselves with self compassion and curiosity, rather than blaming ourselves, shaming ourselves, having a rigid mindset that tells us that we need to urgently fix and change something. So self compassion is not about coddling ourselves. And I think that's a really important distinction, because some people might have an aversion to the idea of self compassion on the basis of it seeming like we're just removing any accountability or self responsibility. We're giving ourselves a bit of a free pass to behave however we want to, because we're in pain or we're hurt. And I think particularly people can struggle with this in the context of giving compassion to others, of approaching others with compassion and curiosity. When you've been hurt by them.
[00:08:56]:
But it's so important to understand that the compassion is not mutually exclusive with responsibility, and certainly not in the way that I'm talking about it or the way that I teach it. I think that balancing self compassion with self responsibility is paramount and a really important part of actually making change. But I think as a first step, we need to, rather than spinning around in the stories of why am I like this? What's wrong with me? Why is it so easy for everyone else and so hard for me actually going, okay, what's this really about for me? Why does this thing feel scary? Where does that come from? And approaching ourselves with the starting assumption that our experience makes sense, because all of our experiences, all of our patterns, all of our fears, they don't just spontaneously arise in a vacuum. They are the sum of our experiences. And I think when we really realise that and appreciate that, we can see that it's really a matter of cause and effect, rather than something very opaque and mysterious and dumbfounding that doesn't make any sense and that we need to just try and eradicate. And the more that we can have this mindset and perspective of seeking to understand ourselves from a place of curiosity and from this starting assumption that everything we're struggling with probably makes sense on one level or another, then we can start to actually befriend those parts of ourselves that are afraid or that have these patterns or that drive us to behaviours that we maybe don't like. And we can go, okay, what purpose is this serving? How is it trying to keep me safe? And what do I need? What else could I do? Maybe to offer myself a sense of safety or a sense of security or a sense of whatever else I'm needing, such that this extreme behaviour or this extreme emotional response doesn't feel so needed anymore. So when we start to kind of zoom out and look at those things in a more spacious way, rather than with this clinging, gripping, rigid, fear based mentality of needing to solve our uncomfortable experiences and emotions, then all of a sudden a lot of space is freed up for us to actually start shifting things, but on a foundation of kind of a collaborative, internal relationship between us and all of those different parts and pieces that we are comprised of.
[00:11:31]:
So self compassion is absolutely essential to any of this work. And the more that you try and solve your anxiety or solve your fear, in the sense of making it go away and making yourself wrong for feeling it, I promise you that it won't work and that it will actually make things worse. And as a side note, the more we do that to ourselves, the more we can offer that to ourselves, the less likely we are to project those same harsh, rigid standards onto other people of perfectionism, of, well, you should just be better or do better or try harder and not having a lot of time or patience for the things that people are struggling with. So I think there's a really positive ripple effect there. Okay, the next pillar of a healthy relationship with self, which is the second week of the secure self challenge that I'm going to be running, is around self care. Now, I know that when a lot of you hear self care, you might have a bit of an eye roll around. I think that self care has been so commoditized in the past decade, probably, and it feels like the domain of glossy magazines and highly produced Instagram content, of having a towel wrapped around your head and like a lovely face mask and a bubble bath and all of the things. But while I'm all for a lovely bubble bath, it's not really what I'm talking about here.
[00:13:10]:
What I'm really talking about is how attuned and responsive are you to the rhythms and the needs and the capacity of your body and your being? That sounds a little bit esoteric. Let me expand. I think that once upon a time, when I was living a very different life to how I live now, I pretty much just pushed through all the time. So if I was tired, I would have more coffee. If I had a headache, I would take painkillers and keep pushing. If I had a cold, I would again just take something to dull the symptoms so that I could plough on with whatever I was doing. Because all of those things in my body were inconvenient and were getting in the way of my agenda, which was just to do what I had to do. When I look back on that now, I can see how disconnected I was from my body and the needs of my body and the rhythms of my body, and how detrimental that was ultimately, because it also meant that I was disconnected from the emotions of my body and to what I was just talking about around self compassion.
[00:14:31]:
When we treat all of those signals and feedback that we're getting from our body as kind of inconvenient and getting in the way of what we would prefer or desire or what we want to do, and we just try and make it all go away, stuff it down, that tends not to work, and it tends to really come back to bite us with a vengeance. So when I'm talking about self care here, it's really, can I become more attuned to myself. I think even the fact that this might sound kind of woo woo and esoteric to many of you speaks to how deeply disconnected we are collectively from our bodies, that we all kind of walk around on autopilot in this mode of busyness and to do lists and hustle, and how that really reliably leads us to feel burnt out and not only disconnected from ourselves, but disconnected from other people, chronically tired, chronically sick. And I think that it's really hard to have a positive relationship with yourself when you are living like that. So I think that the more that we can consciously train ourselves to cheque in on what do I need? How am I feeling? What is my capacity? How can I resource myself today to feel more grounded, more present, more energised? Do I need to take things slower or do I have more energy? Do I need to move my body? All of these things that when we, as I said, train ourselves to attune to that and turn towards that and cheque in with ourselves regularly, then that really feeds into this broader relationship of self awareness. And we then kind of indirectly build more self trust because we know that we're a really good caretaker of ourselves. Whereas when we ignore all of that and we just plough through and we bulldoze and we push on and we hustle, then we don't have much of a relationship of self trust because we know that we're not very responsible carers. Right? In the same way as if you were responsible for caring for someone else and you consistently ignored the signals and needs that they had, and it was making them chronically sick, tired and burnt out, then they probably wouldn't rely on you as someone who was going to be responsive and attuned to them in a way that cultivated trust and safety.
[00:17:13]:
So recognising that you have that same responsibility to yourself to build up that relationship and that it reaps so many rewards beyond just feeling better. It's not just about having a picture perfect kind of self care routine. That's again, not what I'm talking about. It's just this moment to moment practise of pausing and tuning in and going, how am I feeling? What do I need? So, self care as a practise of turning towards ourselves and becoming more present to what is here today and how we can bring more nourishment and groundedness to that is a really, really valuable practise in nurturing your overall relationship with yourself. Okay, so the third pillar of self that I want to speak about is self respect. And I am really bullish on self respect as a fundamental building block of an overall healthy relationship with self. So this is particularly one that I think, if the self love stuff doesn't land for you, focus on self respect. If you want to build self worth, focus on self respect.
[00:18:19]:
I say this as someone who, for many, many years, and I only realised this in hindsight, I had a pretty shocking relationship of self respect. And what this looked like for me was I didn't really know what my values were. I didn't really like myself very much. I relied a lot on external validation and wanting to be liked, wanting people to see me in a certain way. And so I just acted in ways and did things that, for whatever reason, gave me some hit of feeling temporarily good about myself, but very often left me with this residue of anxiety or discomfort, or just not feeling good about how I was acting, who I was being. And I think there was no internal foundation of knowing who I was or knowing what my values were. And that really easily and reliably led me off track and led me astray. And I really suffered as a result of that because I really didn't like myself.
[00:19:24]:
And I can see now, in hindsight, how clearly that came from a lack of self respect. So I believe deeply that building your self respect is one of the best things that you can do. And arguably, if you take nothing else away from this episode, think about self respect. Think about, do I have self respect? Or if I don't, why not? What leads me to feel a lack of self respect? Because I think that that's really deeply important. And it's something that, while we may not think about it very much, I think a lot of people, if they were to reflect and introspect on it, they'd probably find that, yeah, that is a missing piece in my relationship with myself, as I don't have a lot of self respect. So how do we go about building that? I've spoken about this as well before, I think getting really clear on your values and then doing a bit of an audit, going, okay, where am I not stacking up? Where am I out of alignment and trying to close the gap? There is a really useful and kind of practical first step. I also think that challenging yourself, so self discipline, I think, is closely related to self respect. It's almost like a sub bullet underneath self respect.
[00:20:43]:
Following through on the things that you say you're going to do and actually challenging yourself, doing hard things, rather than staying in a very small comfort zone and listening to those stories that tell you that you can't do certain things or that that's too hard, or I'm not that kind of person, really push those stories and go, if that's the kind of person I want to be, then what's stopping me? And if it's just a matter of you showing up and doing something hard and continuing to show up and maybe being bad at something to begin with, but then getting better, I don't think there's many more powerful ways to build self respect than through self discipline. And again, that's something that has been relatively new to my life. I don't think I've always been self disciplined, but certainly in the last five years or so, that's something that I've really embraced and that I now see as such a gift to myself rather than some punishment that I'm imposing upon myself. So learn to embrace hard things. Learn to embrace challenge and growth through challenge and discomfort, and self respect will flow as a natural consequence from that. And I think you'll really notice a shift in your overall relationship with yourself. Okay, last but not least is self trust. So again, I could easily talk for a very long time about self trust or any of these other pillars, but just to give you a bit of a feel, why is self trust so important to our relationship with ourself? I think in the absence of self trust, it's very, very hard to not only trust in others, but I would argue, more importantly, it's very hard to trust in our own resilience.
[00:22:27]:
And for me, this is really the kernel of self trust that is the most rewarding is. And again, I'll speak from personal experience. I think in cultivating a relationship of self trust within myself, I feel a level of peace around whatever might happen in my life. That's a big statement, but it's one that I do attribute to having a pretty solid foundation of self trust. It's this sense of, I know that a lot of things aren't within my control, but I trust in my ability to navigate what life throws at me. And so I can be decisive and I can back myself and I can take steps in the direction of what I value, what I hope for, what is important to me, while also surrendering to the unknown and the uncertainty and knowing that a lot of stuff is not guaranteed. I can't guarantee that my relationship is going to work out. I can't guarantee that anything in my work or my business is going to go the way that I would hope or plan.
[00:23:34]:
But all of that being said, and being true. I also trust that if and when something unexpected or something disappointing or something challenging arises, that I will have the tools and the resources and the support to deal with it. And so I think that having that kind of internal environment makes you not only more courageous, but far more resilient and much more at peace. Because you're not living in constant fear or anticipation of everything bad that could happen, and trying desperately and wasting so much energy trying to prevent something bad from happening. Because I think a lot of us, particularly those who struggle with anxiety, do just end up spinning your wheels and expending so much energy on playing out every possible worst case scenario and then reverse engineering to try and prevent that from ever happening, to this point where your whole life becomes about the thing that you don't want, rather than pursuing the things that you do want with presence and optimism. And I think, again, all of these pillars of self that I've spoken about in today's episode, I think they feed off each other and they reinforce each other. So the more self respect you build, the more self trust you'll have, the more you have a really caring and attuned relationship with yourself, the more self trust you'll have. And the more self trust you have, the more you're going to do those other things as well, because they all fit together really neatly, like puzzle pieces.
[00:25:09]:
And as you start to change the internal environment in one way, some of those older patterns around hustle and burnout, and ignoring boundaries and approval seeking, and people pleasing and doing things that aren't comfortable for you just to make everyone else happy, those behaviours stop feeling compatible with the new internal environment that you're building. And so you get this sort of full system upgrade as you start sowing the seeds of a healthier relationship with self, some of those old behaviours that have felt like a fit in your current inner world may naturally just fall away as they stop being a match for where you're at and the kind of relationship that you're really cultivating with yourself. So I hope that this has been helpful in, I suppose, broadening out the lens if you've ever felt a little discouraged by self love advice, or even you've heard about the importance of building self worth, but you haven't really known where to start or what that means or what that looks like. Hopefully breaking it down a level further into these subcategories or these pillars starts to crystallise what you can do. And as I said, I like these pillars because I think they do translate more tangibly into day to day practises and things that we can be consciously choosing. Kind of putting runs on the board every day. And it doesn't have to be big, dramatic things. It's just one step at a time, one day at a time.
[00:26:47]:
But with the passage of time, you can look back and realise that you've made really profound changes in the direction of who you want to be and how you want to live your life. And that is very rewarding work. So I hope that this has been helpful. As I said, if you've enjoyed today's episode and you want to join us in the secure self challenge where we dive into each of these themes over four weeks, I would love to see you in there. You've got about five days left to join before we kick off next week with our opening call. I'd love to see you there, but otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:27:28]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of on attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, self love, insecurity, self esteem, self compassion, self care, self responsibility, self discipline, self trust, resilience, personal development, growth, self awareness, self worth, values, internal environment, boundaries, approval seeking, people pleasing, authenticity, community, guidance, knowledge, practical tools, healthy relationship, thriving relationships, secure self challenge, online community, live calls