#131 On Getting Back Together with an Ex
In today's episode, we're talking all about getting back together with an ex. Facing the prospect of rekindling after a relationship has ended can bring up so many conflicting feelings - longing, optimism and hope, together with fear, worry, self-doubt and anxiety.
In helping you navigate the messiness of these situations, I'll be sharing some good reasons and some not-so-good reasons why you might consider getting back together with an ex, and how you can best approach that decision to support yourself and your relationship going forward.
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Navigating the Decision to Get Back Together with an Ex
If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that relationships can be a rollercoaster of emotions. From the intense highs of love and connection to the gut-wrenching lows of heartbreak and uncertainty, it's no wonder that the decision to get back together with an ex can leave us feeling conflicted and confused. In this article, we'll delve into the complexities of rekindling with an ex, exploring both the potential pitfalls and the signs that it might be worth considering.
Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster
Breaking up with someone can stir up a wide range of feelings - grief, relief, loneliness, uncertainty, and self-doubt, to name a few. It's essential to recognise that these emotions are entirely normal, even if the relationship may not have been healthy. The aftermath of a breakup is often marked by a selective memory of the good times, leaving us longing for what once was, rather than acknowledging the hardships that led to the breakup.
For those with anxious attachment patterns, the post-breakup period can be particularly challenging. The focus on salvaging the relationship and the feelings of failure can exacerbate the emotional turmoil. It’s vital to acknowledge that even if a relationship was dysfunctional, the attachment to that person takes time to unravel. It’s not always rational - it's emotional and deeply biological.
Evaluating the Reasons to Rekindle
Amidst the overwhelming emotions of a breakup, it's essential to consider the motives for seeking to reunite with an ex. Missing your ex, fear of being alone, or simply feeling disheartened by the dating landscape are some common reasons. However, these reasons may not always provide a sturdy foundation for rekindling a relationship.
It’s important to be cautious of reuniting with an ex simply because you miss them. Grief and longing are typical after a breakup, but they alone may not warrant getting back together. Similarly, a fear of loneliness or a reluctance to re-enter the dating scene can inadvertently drive us back into a relationship that may not address our needs and desires.
Healthy Reflection and Communication
When considering the possibility of reuniting with an ex, honest and open communication is key. It's crucial to have clear conversations about the reasons for the breakup, how each party contributed to the issues in the relationship, and the unmet needs. Addressing these aspects could provide valuable insights into the patterns that were not working, and ways to nurture a healthier relationship.
Reflection on why things might be different this time is equally important. Simply being aware of the issues may not be sufficient - a proactive plan to nurture the relationship and prevent the re-emergence of past challenges is vital. Without a structured approach to address the root causes of the breakup, there's a risk of falling back into the same detrimental patterns.
The Role of Time and Growth
One potential indicator of a successful reunion with an ex is the presence of substantial time and personal growth since the breakup. A significant period apart can offer clarity and a fresh perspective. It provides an opportunity for both individuals to grow individually, learn from past mistakes, and evaluate what they truly seek in a relationship.
If time apart has allowed for personal growth and life circumstances have evolved positively, reuniting with an ex may present a more promising prospect. This new beginning offers the chance to build a relationship free from the baggage of the past, bringing a renewed sense of understanding and open communication.
In Conclusion
The decision to get back together with an ex is a significant one, fraught with emotional weight and potential challenges. It's essential to approach this decision with self-responsibility, honesty, and a compassionate understanding of our own needs.
Rekindling with an ex requires a thoughtful and reflective approach, focusing on clear communication, recognition of growth, insight into past issues, and a proactive plan for the future. While navigating this decision may be complex, assessing the reasons for considering a reunion will guide us towards making a choice that aligns with our well-being and personal growth.
If you're currently contemplating the possibility of reuniting with an ex, remember that it's okay to seek support and guidance through this process. The road to revitalising a past relationship can be uncertain, but with introspection and clear communication, it's possible to approach this decision with a sense of understanding and confidence.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How have you experienced the emotions of grief, loss, and relief after a breakup in your own life? How do these emotions influence your decision-making about getting back together with an ex?
2. Have you ever found yourself longing for the past good memories in a relationship after it has ended, leading to a selective memory of the day-to-day challenges? How did this impact your perspective on the relationship and the possibility of getting back together?
3. Have you ever felt the fear of being alone or settling for a familiar but dissatisfying relationship? How does this fear influence your decisions about reconnecting with an ex or starting anew in the dating pool?
4. In thinking about the reasons for getting back together with an ex, have you had clear conversations about how both partners contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, unmet needs, and the patterns that were harmful?
5. How do you approach the idea of growth and change, both in yourself and in a potential partner, when considering getting back together with an ex? What role does personal growth play in rebuilding a relationship?
6. Reflect on a time when you or someone you know had to navigate an anxious-avoidant dynamic in a relationship. How did this impact the decision to rekindle the relationship, and what factors should be considered in this context?
7. Have you ever faced the challenge of maintaining a balanced power dynamic in a relationship after reuniting with an ex? What are some warning signs and red flags to be aware of in this situation?
8. If you have taken a substantial amount of time apart from an ex and reconnected, how did this distance impact the potential for a renewed relationship? What changes or new circumstances made a difference in your decision?
9. Discuss the role of self-responsibility and self-care when making the decision to get back together with an ex. How can one balance their own needs with the desire to rekindle a relationship?
10. How important is it to have a plan for change and growth when considering getting back together with an ex? What are the key elements of a plan for rebuilding a relationship?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about getting back together with an ex. When you might consider doing that, what might be a good reason or some good reasons for thinking about that course of action, and what might be some not so good reasons that you might be considering getting back with an ex. Now, this is one of those ones that I get a lot of questions about. I have done an episode ages ago on the show around questions to ask when you're considering getting back with an ex, but it's been a while since I've addressed this topic directly, so I wanted to talk about it here to give you a bit of a sense and a bit of a roadmap in guiding that decision if that's a situation that you find yourself in where you're considering rekindling with someone that you've ended a relationship with, because I think there can be a lot of really powerful and confusing emotions at play and it can be hard to trust our own judgement. And fair enough, because, as I said, it is really confusing and emotionally dense. So I think having some guiding questions and some things to think about sometimes, to cut through the emotional noise of it all, can be really supportive when you're in that position.
[00:01:50]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, I just wanted to share that I am running a sale for Valentine's Day starting today, so I'm going to be offering 50% off my higher love course and my secure together course. So these are two of my best selling programmes. Higher love is a breakup course. It's a beautiful resource if you have recently been through a relationship ending and you're really struggling to process that. It's very much a comprehensive resource and toolkit to walk you through that process, not only processing the end of the relationship and finding closure around it, but then looking forward to the next chapter and gaining real clarity and confidence around what that looks like and what you are wanting going forward in relationships so that you can avoid maybe recreating a similar pattern or dynamic in your next relationship. Secure together is a course for couples primarily, or it's a relationship focused course. So that would be a great one for you if you're in a relationship secure together, is the course that I recorded with Joel, my partner.
[00:03:00]:
So it's very much focused on anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those dynamics in a non blaming, non shaming way that will allow you to connect and understand each other more deeply. And it's a very, very comprehensive resource in that respect, covering a whole range of topics. So either of those courses can be accessed for 50% off for the next week with the code big love, all one word. So if you're interested in that, whether you've been through a breakup or you're in a relationship, hopefully there's something for everyone there as a little Valentine's Day special. Okay, so let's talk about getting back together with an ex. So, as I said in the introduction, I want to give you some good reasons and some, I don't want to say bad reasons, but kind of bad reasons, not so good reasons that you might be thinking about getting back together with an ex. Before I kind of get into the nitty gritty of those, I just want to set the scene a little and normalise and validate that. Of course, when a relationship ends, you're going to have so many mixed feelings.
[00:04:04]:
You might feel immense, overwhelming grief. You might feel really lost and disoriented, you might feel relieved, you might feel lonely, you might feel scared, you might feel a lot of uncertainty about the future. You might be feeling rejected, you might be feeling unworthy, really doubting of your lovability or your value. There's a lot in that. And I think that we maybe downplay just how emotionally overwhelming a breakup can be, given all of the things that it will often stir up within us. So if you've been through a breakup recently, and recently is relative, for some people, that might be a couple of days, others it might be months or even longer. I don't know that there's some sort of ideal timeline for processing that grief, because grief is really personal. And I just want to really normalise and validate any and all of those things that you might be feeling.
[00:05:06]:
And maybe there are lots of other things that are in there too, because it is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. And particularly if, as I know, a lot of my listeners are, if you are someone with more anxious attachment patterns. I've spoken many times before on the show about how breakups can be particularly challenging for folks with anxious attachment patterns, because so much of your sense of self and purpose and so much of your energy on a day to day basis tends to be orbiting around the relationship, pouring into the other person. And particularly when a relationship is feeling really strained or challenging, and that will often be the case. Towards the end of a relationship, the amount of energy that you were putting into it was probably heightened, right? That only tends to increase as things get harder. So for you to be completely consumed with trying to salvage something, only for it to ultimately end, that's going to be very, very challenging for you. And you probably feel, in addition to all of the other things that I just shared, you might feel a real sense of failure because you might have been carrying the self imposed pressure of needing to make it work, or if only you'd done something differently, then maybe things would have been different. I think another really common scenario after a breakup is that we can have a very selective memory around what the reality of the relationship was like.
[00:06:42]:
So all of a sudden, the day to day challenges and hardships in the relationship, which were very real and very overwhelming when we were in it, those tend to be alleviated, right? Because we're not in proximity to our ex, we're not having those same fights, we're not in the pressure cooker of the relationship anymore. And so all of that tension and pressure can fall away and we're just left longing for the good stuff. And we can really have rose coloured glasses in hindsight, when we're thinking about all of the things that we miss and all of the things that we will miss going forward, I think grieving the future that we're not going to have with them can be as devastating, if not more so, than grieving the past that we shared together. So I think in the days and weeks after a breakup, we have all of these realisations of, oh, I'm not going to get to go and do that thing anymore with my partner, or that show that we watched together, who am I going to talk to about that now or that restaurant that we loved? All of the little things that can sort of get lost in the bigger picture of a relationship that's not working can all of a sudden trigger this immense grief and this real sadness and longing and sorrow. So I think that our focus tends to go to all of that stuff that we're missing, rather than all of the things that we're relieved to no longer be having to deal with, because we sort of lose sight of how hard those things really were when we're no longer being exposed to it and we're just feeling the lack of the good things. So all of that to say that if you're experiencing those things, if you've been through those waves, that's really normal and understandable and very human. And it's unfortunately just a part of the process of a breakup, because a breakup really is an unravelling of all of that, of our attachment to someone. And even if it doesn't really make sense, I often get people saying, why am I so upset about a relationship ending that was clearly dysfunctional and I was sad and stressed all the time in the relationship.
[00:08:58]:
So why do I feel even worse now that it's ended? And it's so important to understand that this stuff isn't really rational. It's emotional, it's biological, it's our attachment system. And so even if a relationship was unhealthy, you had an attachment to that person. And with that person and untangling, that takes some time and will feel really uncomfortable. So I just wanted to start by recognising the realness of all of that, rather than just going straight into nice and easy questions and tips and pitfalls that maybe recognise or honour the emotional mess of a breakup. Because I think we've probably all been there and we know that it's way easier said than done, that it's simple but not easy, and that what might be obvious from the outside is really, really hard when you're on the inside. So with all of that being said, if you are in this situation of you've been through a breakup and you're contemplating getting back with your ex, whether that's because they've reached out or you want to reach out or you've been having discussions and it's on the cards that you might get back together and try again. Obviously, be discerning, apply this to your situation to the extent that it applies to your situation.
[00:10:17]:
But I want to start with some reasons why you might not want to make that decision. What we might call bad reasons to consider getting back with an ex. And I think that the first one is just that you miss them absent anything else. Right. If it is just an emotional pull and a yearning and a longing and a sadness, missing them, feeling really deep in the grief of the breakup, I do not think that that alone is enough or is a good justification for getting back together. Because, as I've just spent some time explaining, all of that's completely normal and will typically be present, even if the relationship was really unhealthy and probably needed to end. But I think that so many people fall into this trap of thinking, like, if this was the right thing, I wouldn't feel so bad. I wouldn't miss them so much.
[00:11:19]:
I wouldn't be feeling the absolute heavy weight of grief about this ending. And I'm so uncomfortable with that grief, I don't really know what to do with it. So how do I just backpedal and reverse this and go back to the comfort zone of the relationship, the familiarity of that, even if it's a better the devil you know kind of situation. A lot of people do that. They just can't cope with the feeling of disorientation and loss that comes with a breakup, and so they scramble back. And the reason why that's a bad reason to get back together, apart from the fact that you will always feel that after a breakup, is that none of the issues that led to the relationship breaking down are going to have been resolved in that scenario. And it's typically based on misguided optimism in this sense of, oh, but we love each other so much, and now we are able to see clearly how much we love and miss each other, so let's just try again. And while love and a realisation of how much you value each other is necessary, I don't think it's sufficient.
[00:12:28]:
And so just missing each other without more is not a good reason to think about getting back together. Okay. Another not so great reason for wanting to get back with your ex is a fear of being alone or ending up alone. Or maybe you've been broken up for a few months and you've started dating again and you find yourself a little disheartened by the reality of the dating pool and the whole dating experience. So I think, again, this happens a lot. I hear from people a lot in this situation of once they put themselves back out there, or maybe they're just grappling with the reality of starting from scratch and being single all of a sudden. The things that felt really hard and challenging and dissatisfying about their relationship pale by comparison when thinking about having to reenter single life, which for some people, reentering single life is a really exciting prospect for a lot of people. I know that it isn't, particularly with the realities of online dating and how exasperating and demoralising even that process can be.
[00:13:32]:
So I think that often there can be this sense of the dread of approaching dating, or maybe you've been on dates, as I said, and it's been a little lacklustre, and then you start to go, oh, maybe my ex wasn't so bad, or maybe my previous relationship wasn't so bad. Maybe I can kind of slink back there with my tail between my legs and maybe all of my unmet needs or all of the things that bothered me there, I can just kind of suck it up and get over it, because at least it was comfortable and at least we loved each other. And that feels a lot better than the void that I'm swirling around in at the moment. Now, again, very human, very understandable, very natural. You're not pathetic or crazy or desperate to be contemplating getting back together on that basis. And I think we can also recognise that a sense of scarcity and loneliness is probably not the ideal foundation for thinking about rekindling and rebuilding a relationship that ended because it wasn't working. So I think that if that's the main driver for you, that sense of fear and loneliness and worry, that there's not something better out there. So I should just settle for a relationship that I wasn't happy in because I'm worried that that's the best I'm ever going to get.
[00:14:49]:
I don't think that that's fair to you or fair to your ex, frankly, because it's not really what you want. It's just maybe what you think is possible for you because you're feeling a little wobly in your confidence as you re approach dating. Okay, the next not so great reason to get back together with someone. And this is kind of specific to a certain dynamic and scenario that I get a lot of questions about. Again, if you were in a classic anxious avoidant kind of dynamic, and your partner kind of freaked out, had some fear come up and pulled away and withdrew and maybe said, I'm not ready for a relationship, or I don't think this is working, or maybe this isn't the right fit, they had some of those reservations come up and they ended the relationship on that basis and you were really devastated by that because that's not what you wanted, and then some weeks or months later, they pop their head up again and kind of act like nothing happened and try and reopen the connection without any recognition of what went on or why or what's going to be different this time, how they've processed whatever fears or resistance drove them to that behaviour in the first place. If it's a kind of, can we just sweep it under the rug and start again? Because I miss you, or anything in that vein, I would really, really counsel you against it because as we'll come to in a moment when we start talking about some good reasons to get back together, having real clarity around what went wrong and why and why it's not going to happen again is absolutely essential. And in the absence of that, if someone's not really taking ownership of what happened, and again, it's not about fault or blame, it's not saying like, you did this, so you have to make it right in a finger pointing kind of way. But it is just recognising that something happened there and that was really painful for you.
[00:16:45]:
I know that for people who are in that situation where someone is having second thoughts and kind of has 1ft out the door and maybe you've broken up several times and then gotten back together, then broken up, then gotten back together. Continuing to play out that pattern establishes such an imbalanced power dynamic in the relationship whereby the person who didn't want the relationship to end and who wants to believe that it's going to be different this time, they tend to get smaller and smaller and smaller every time you come back together. Right? So if you're in that situation and your partner is coming back and wanting to try things again, but you're not really convinced that there is that self awareness and self responsibility around what was going on and how they plan to address that within themselves and relationally, then I think that it's, again, kind of misguided optimism that's coming from a place of hopefulness and yearning, but maybe is not really being kind to ourselves and being honest with ourselves about whether things are likely to really be what we need them to be in order for the relationship to work. And I think that when you've been in a dynamic where someone keeps pulling away and keeps getting scared and keeps running, then you become so hyper aware of that possibility that you become very small and you become very inclined to tiptoe around everything and walk on eggshells and not want to do anything that might tip them over the edge, that might scare them away, that might push them to the brink. And so you stop voicing needs and you try and be low maintenance. And as I said, it establishes a pretty imbalanced power dynamic in a lot of cases. So be really mindful of that as a possibility if that's a scenario that you're confronting. And as I said, I know that's a little bit more specific, but it's common enough that I get questions about it all the time.
[00:18:46]:
Okay, so let's pivot now to a couple of better reasons that you might want to think about getting back with an ex. Or maybe you relate to some of the reasons that I've shared that are not so great reasons and you want to put yourself in a better position to try rekindling. And these that I'm about to share will hopefully at least give you some guidance on what to aim for as part of that process, rather than just going in blind with hope and optimism but lacking a plan. So I think it is always a really good idea when you're thinking about getting back together with an ex that you have had very clear conversations around how each of you contributed to the patterns that existed in the relationship generally that weren't working, why the relationship ended, what caused the relationship to break down again with real clarity around how you each contributed to that and how it affected the other. What unmet needs were there in the relationship? Because in most cases there is some sense of we're not feeling satisfied here. And so many of the negative cycles that exist in relationships arise from unmet needs and conditions of not feeling valued, seen, understood. And so being able to talk about all of this stuff is absolutely essential if you're having conversations around getting back together and even trying to broach these topics is leading you into spiralling arguments. That's a bit of a red flag to suggest that maybe we are still lacking in the tools, the emotional safety, the awareness to be able to do the work that it would require for us to get back together in a way that's likely to be effective.
[00:20:26]:
So getting really honest with yourself around, like, okay, have we kind of done the work here? Do we know what led us to where we are? And an important additional step? Because I think a lot of people can fall into this trap of just having conversations that go round and round and round and we talk about it to death, and then we sort of burn out, fizzle out before we actually come up with a plan. So we don't walk away from the conversation with like, okay, so what's the action that comes from all of this talking that we've done? So being able to figure out, like, okay, why are things going to be different? Not just because we have awareness now that we didn't have awareness of before, because awareness is great and it's necessary, but again, it's probably not sufficient. You do need to go, okay, what are our commitments to each other? How are we going to make sure that this doesn't happen again? How are we going to proactively nurture our relationship so that we can address these things as and when they arise or even prevent them from arising, rather than letting stress get the better of us, letting ourselves fall back into old patterns. Because again, you can rest assured that if you're going in blind without a plan, you'll have the euphoria of being back together and it'll feel great for a bit, and then you'll just slip right back into where you were. And maybe with the added stress and hurt of feeling overwhelmed that you've landed back there when that wasn't what you wanted. So recognise that these patterns are really powerful and you're going to need to come up with a plan that you're both really on the same page around and you're feeling really collaborative and like minded in the way that you're wanting to approach it. That's going to really stand you in good stead to make sure that the relationship is different, because it is going to need to be different, otherwise it's going to end the same way. Okay?
[00:22:16]:
And as a last but related point, I think if you've taken a good amount of time apart, so maybe you've been broken up for six months, a year or longer, and you've lived a bit of life in between, and you've come back into contact somehow and you've reconnected and it feels good and you both have done a lot of growing in that time. You've sorted your shit out, to put it fontly, or at least you've done a lot of work in the direction of growing and getting to know yourself, and you're both open to trying something. And again, having, as I just talked about, a level of clarity around what you're both looking for, your values, your readiness for commitment, all of those things, and it does feel really aligned, then. That might be a scenario where it's.
[00:23:08]:
Like, okay, let's give it a crack. And maybe, as I said, with the benefit of time and space apart, a good amount of time and space apart, you might not have the emotional charge that comes with trying to get back together soon after breaking up. You might have a bit more distance from those patterns that could have existed in a previous iteration of your relationship. So it almost feels like in that scenario, you're starting from scratch with a new person, or at least with some sort of blank slate that allows you to come to it with really fresh eyes and not carrying all of the legacy baggage and wounding of a recent dysfunctional version of the relationship, because that's going to be very powerful in shaping the way that you relate to each other. So if you have had a bit more time and space apart and circumstances have changed, or maybe you broke up because you were long distance and now you're living in the same place or things like that, that kind of change the parameters, and it now feels aligned in a way that it didn't previously, then that might be a reason that you would explore rekindling or having another go. Okay, so I hope that that's been helpful for you. If you are someone who's been through a breakup recently and you've been toying with the idea of giving it another go or some other version of that scenario where it's on the cards that you could be rekindling with an ex, maybe they've popped their head up and you're wondering what you should do next. I hope that this has given you a lot of validation for how hard that is and a bit of a steer on some questions that you can ask yourself in reflecting and making that decision, because it is a big decision and it's one where we really want to be self responsible and honest and taking good care of ourselves while also obviously doing whatever we need to do and whatever we feel called to do in the relational field.
[00:25:01]:
So, as I said, I really hope that it's been supportive for you and a reminder that you can save 50% off my higher love breakup course or my secure together relationship course, anxious, avoidant couples course with the code big love, all one word. So thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:25:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. Close.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, guidance, insecurity, breakup, rekindling, emotional, grief, closure, anxious, avoidant, dynamics, self-imposed pressure, selective memory, unmet needs, emotional roller coaster, dating, commitment, values, clarity, personal growth, validation, resilience, decision-making, self-awareness, emotional safety, power dynamic, wounding, long-distance, reflection, support