#98 Ghosting: Why It Happens & How to Process
Does ghosting leave you feeling anxious, confused, and questioning your self-worth? If so, you’re not alone. Today, we're diving deep into this all-too-common dating phenomenon. We'll explore why ghosting occurs, the common impacts it has on self-esteem, and how to give yourself the closure and peace you desire.
Does ghosting leave you feeling anxious, confused, and questioning your self-worth? If so, you’re not alone.
Today, we're diving deep into this all-too-common dating phenomenon. We'll explore why ghosting occurs, the common impacts it has on self-esteem, and how to give yourself the closure and peace you desire.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about Ghosting. Why it happens, what to do if it happens to you, how to process it, how to emerge on the other side of that experience without feeling really demoralized, without internalizing that and making it all about you, without feeling really deflated and jaded about the whole process of online dating and modern dating and everything that that can entail when practices like Ghosting are, unfortunately, somewhat common and probably more so than they've ever been before. So I'm going to give you a bit of a pep talk around Ghosting, unpacking, as I said, why people might ghost and what you can do about it to keep yourself intact if it does happen to you.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:16]:
Before we dive into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements. Healing Angst attachment is now closed, so you don't have to listen to me telling you all about that for another few months at least. But I am holding a live masterclass in a few weeks time on Building Trust. So this is going to be around self trust and relational trust and will encompass everything that would fall under that umbrella. So building your own sense of self up so that you can stop doubting yourself so much, that you can really trust in your own perception of a situation, trust in your needs and your ability to advocate for yourself. And also looking at the relational piece. So how to build trust if you have a trust wound from a previous relationship, how to rebuild trust in a relationship if there's been a breach of trust. It's going to be very comprehensive on that very big topic and you can sign up for that via the link in my show notes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:12]:
This one is, as I said, a live masterclass. It's nice and affordable and you'll get access to the recording as well if you're unable to join Live. So check that out if you're interested. Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is Stephanie provides an incredible amount of wisdom, comfort and understanding. Her examples of relationship dynamics and behaviours are always so well observed and relevant to coping, whether it's as a people pleaser anxiously attached individual or someone mourning a breakup. Spoiler alert. I'm all three. I've been all three of those as well.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:41]:
Don't you worry. All the topics that Stephanie dives into show that we're not alone and that these are really common emotions. Talking about it allows for healing and a path to more self worth and respect, which we all need. Thanks so much, Stephanie. Continue to follow your wonderful instincts and heart. Thank you for that review. I really do appreciate your very kind words and I'm glad that the podcast has been a support to you. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses, which by the way, you're able to include the building trust one that I said is coming up.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:14]:
You can elect to have that as your free masterclass and come along for free. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around Ghosting, why it happens and how to process it. And I should say this was actually in response to when I put the word out on Instagram asking people to submit podcast topic requests. Ghosting was one that came up a number of times. How do I not go into a self worth meltdown spiral if I've been ghosted by someone and I'm feeling really shitty about it? And I think that it's important to set the scene a little here and say that as always, there are degrees. There is a spectrum being ghosted by someone that you've only ever had online contact with versus being ghosted by someone that you're in a relationship with. I know that sounds wild, but some of the stories that I hear from people who've been in proper several year long relationships with a person and being on the brink of moving in together and then the person just disappears off the face of the earth and ghosts in a true sense of the word. So there's obviously degrees and the advice that I'm giving today might vary depending on where you sit on that spectrum.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:28]:
Obviously, the experience of being ghosted by a relative stranger is going to likely have less of an impact than being ghosted by someone that you're in a fully fledged relationship with and you envisaged a future with. And rightly so in the kind of situation that I just described. So recognising that there are degrees and ghosting can take many forms, but this idea of ghosting so someone is there and then they disappear. They become uncontactable, and they give no explanation. It's kind of unannounced. And it just leaves you reeling, because all of a sudden you don't know what happened and you had expectations and maybe you were really excited about this person. And then all of a sudden that is taken away from you without explanation. So I think when this happens to people who are more anxiously attached and unfortunately, I think that is probably the dynamic is that it tends to be anxious folks on the receiving end because from everything we know about anxious attachment, it's unlikely that you are going to be doing the ghosting.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:34]:
You are much more likely to be receiving the ghosting, which, as I said, is unfortunate, but it just is what it is. If you are someone who leans more anxious and you get ghosted, what's going to happen? Likely that you are going to spin out to be so overcome with questions and needing to find information and this doesn't make any sense. Poring over every single text message and going but they just said this and only yesterday they were responding and we were making plans. And all of that urge to how can I gather information and go into detective mode to try and make sense of this thing? Did I say something? What was it that I said? Were they angry there? They didn't seem angry based on their reply. How can I rationalise this thing that is sending me into an anxiety spiral? And I just want to say that's not on you. Meaning you're a weirdo for responding in that way, right? That's a normal response to unfortunate and hurtful and confusing behaviour. Ghosting is not good behaviour. It's not acceptable, it's not kind, it's not respectful, and it's absolutely understandable that you would respond to that by seeking answers.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:46]:
But the great irony of this, and I've spoken about this before in the context of more broadly, like toxic relationships or really dysfunctional relationships, when they end that they can leave us with so many unanswered questions and just desperate for clarity and closure. And I just need to get in touch with this person and sit down with them so that they can explain to me what the hell happened, so I can make sense of it and make my peace with it and move on with my life, at least in a way that closes the chapter and it feels somewhat resolved. But when it just goes from one direction to falling off a cliff and I feel like I'm standing there looking around dazed and confused, not knowing what happened, that's a really challenging thing for the brain to make sense of and make peace with. I think Ghosting really falls into that same bucket with the added challenge of if someone has ghosted, the likelihood of them suddenly showing up and being available to have a closure wrap up conversation with you. Highly unlikely, right? And people always say to me, if someone ghosts, should you reach out and ask them for more explanation? Should I keep pushing and trying? Should I try contacting them and see why they ghosted? And again, I understand the urge. I understand the desire for resolution. But if you were to zoom out and look at that more objectively query whether this person who did not have the emotional maturity, the emotional capacity, the level of care or respect or investment in you and building a relationship with you to have a challenging conversation in the first place. They weren't able to sit down and say, hey, I'm not feeling it, or, hey, I'm freaking out, or I can't do this for whatever reason, right? The reasons aren't really that important.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:39]:
The fact is that they couldn't bring themselves to do that or they didn't care enough to put themselves through the discomfort of having an honest conversation with you in the first place. That is why they resorted to ghosting. And I think in that case it's really unlikely that they're going to turn around and have developed magically the capacity to sit down and have an audit conversation with you where you do a post mortem and they explain themselves in a way that is helpful and allows you to do that emotional processing. So recognizing that Ghosting, while very unskillful and disrespectful is in a funny way its own form of communication, right? This person is telling you everything that you need to know in Ghosting and what they're telling you is I do not have capacity to be in relationship with you. Right? And please take that as a comment on their constraints. And ultimately, and I know that this is easier said than done, try and experience this as a gift because this person has revealed to you what their capacity is and there's a good chance that that capacity constraint would have been a barrier to intimacy at some other point in the relationship in any case, right? Because it's not just the ghosting. The ghosting is the behaviour that springs from that emotional unavailability which is really the core issue at play. And so again, it's not nice.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:17]:
It feels awful and it feels confusing and it really can very easily lead us to spiral into a lot of self doubt, a lot of worthlessness, a lot of shame and humiliation, embarrassment around being rejected. All of those are very normal feelings and hold those feelings. Don't try and make yourself not feel the thing but at the same time recognise that this person lacks a base level of emotional availability that would have allowed you to build something with them. So in a funny sort of way it's probably a blessing in disguise. Okay? Really if this has happened to you, my strong advice and of course, again, take it or leave it. And I know there's a million exceptions and a million iterations of this and of course take what works leaves what doesn't. But I think that if you can take a person ghosting as information and as an unskillful indirect form of communication of their capacity and investment level in you accept that as it is. Don't try and get anything from them.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:30]:
And before reaching out to them to just sometimes people will say, okay, I don't expect a reply but I just want to give them a piece of my mind and tell them how much of whatever they are insert profanity here. And look you can do that if you want, but I think that oftentimes you're going to feel worse for it. My personal view is take the high road. Don't fire off angry texts that are just trying to beat someone down. I know that some parts of us can feel like we're better for it if we tell someone that they're terrible and that they're a piece of work and whatever else, you can get creative with what that message or email might look like. But I think that integrity and dignity and really staying true to our values and true to authenticity and self worth, I don't know that we have to stoop to the level of unleashing on someone and going on a tirade because I think that that is descending to the level of the person who has hurt you. Rather than holding your head up high and declining to participate in dynamics like that, you can tell someone that you're disappointed. But again, I think the golden rule here is if you are going to be hanging out for their reply in a way that is going to destabilize you and consume you, don't send the message.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:54]:
If you think that you can really send any message, whether it's heated or otherwise, and put your phone down and walk away and genuinely feel a sense of closure and detachment after you've done that, then fine, you can do that and that is absolutely at your discretion. If you're going to fire that message off and then be checking your phone every minute of every day for the next three weeks, waiting for their response, and you're going to be checking whether they've been online and checking, checking, checking, because I need to know whether they've seen it and whether they're going to reply, then I don't think that that's advisable. And I think that, you know, deep down, that that is not really helping you to let go. All of that being said, try to honor the emotions that come with this process because as I said, completely normal and natural. It's not a pleasant experience, it is not kind, it's not respectful, and it is normal and natural that you would feel hurt and disappointed and confused and embarrassed. All of those things are very normal, right? But try not to take that leap from those emotions to I'm worthless and this always happens to me because people don't like me and no one's ever going to like me. And all of those stories that really take us from pain to suffering and keep us stuck there, that's my quick Hot take on Ghosting. As I said, I think that unfortunately it's common enough that I hear about it all the time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:18]:
And unfortunately, I think with online dating there is a level of anonymity and a lack of accountability that allows people to just be lazy and be selfish and not be terribly considerate of the people that they are interacting with. But if that happens to you, you can very confidently rest assured that that is not the kind of person that you want to build a relationship with. Again, it's not to say they're a terrible person, but they lack the capacity, they lack the emotional availability and it's better you find that out sooner rather than later, even if it's not under circumstances that we would like as always. I hope that that has been helpful, you guys, and if you have enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review, a five star rating. If you're on Spotify, share it with the people in your life, share it on social media. It all adds up. And I am always so appreciative of all of your support. So thank you for being here, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:10]:
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
#96 The Importance of Discomfort in Life & Relationships
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable. Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable.
Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
We’ll cover:
Why we tend to gravitate towards what is familiar and known
How embracing discomfort builds resilience
Physical protocols for exploring discomfort
Building our emotional capacity for discomfort
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my signature program, Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:42.96
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about discomfort, and specifically the importance of getting uncomfortable, of discomfort in building our capacity in life and in relationships.
0:00:43.15 → 0:01:48.54
So this is something that has been a really big part of my personal journey and it's also a key theme in the work that I do with clients and students, because I think that we are collectively really wired for comfort, probably as a baseline, as human beings, comfort equals familiarity, equals safety. So there's a strong tendency to cling to that which we know, which tends to be that which is known and comfortable. Right? But I think a huge part of building our capacity and growing lies in doing things that are new and are unknown and are uncertain and really stretching ourselves. And I think that the more we use comfort as our North Star almost, when we're just always choosing the comfortable thing, the known thing, the thing that provides us with a semblance of control and certainty, then we're always going to be getting more of what we've already got, which for a lot of us is not really what we want.
0:01:48.59 → 0:02:12.76
We want a different experience, we want new patterns, new dynamics in our lives. We want to grow, we want to expand, we want to evolve. And yet oftentimes we still, consciously or not, cling to what is known and what is comfortable. And I think oftentimes that is at ODS with our desire to grow and evolve. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around this today.
0:02:13.13 → 0:02:49.98
My own journey with embracing discomfort and the rewards that I've reaped from doing that and making that a practise. And how you might start to turn towards discomfort and use that as a way to build your own capacity and self trust and self respect, self worth, all of those other good things that I talk about a lot. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that registration for healing, anxious attachment is still open. The early bird period has closed now, but registration for the course is still open for another few days.
0:02:50.16 → 0:03:31.37
And that includes the live programme, which you might have heard me mention, which is an upgrade from the classic course, which is a self paced course. The live programme includes an eight week container, working with me in a small group setting, 690 minutes live group coaching calls and an online community for you all to connect. Share your experiences as you go through the programme. And really build those relationships with other people who are in the same situation, same boat as you, which I think in itself, can be very healing. So if you are interested, you can head straight to my website and you should be able to find the sign up page relatively easily or we will link that in the show notes as well.
0:03:31.49 → 0:03:58.73
Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. This one was pulled from Spotify and it was thank you so much for this life changing podcast. The quality and depth of every subject is enlightening and really has helped me make fundamental changes in my life. Thanks, Greg, I really appreciate that and I'm glad to hear it. If you're listening to this, Greg, you can send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you for taking the time.
0:03:58.88 → 0:04:40.74
All right, so let's talk about discomfort and the role of discomfort in life and in relationships. So I think that for those of us, particularly who tend towards insecure attachment patterns, discomfort is something that we experience a lot of, probably, but also have a really visceral response against. So, because we don't have a level of trust within ourselves and in our capacity to navigate difficult things, as soon as we come up against discomfort, there can be a very strong urge to pull away. Right? And again, as I said in the introduction, there's a human element to this, right?
0:04:40.79 → 0:05:21.29
We are survival driven beings and that is always going to be our primary drive, is to do the thing that is going to most aid or most increase the likelihood of our survival. Right. Our base systems of the body are not interested in enlightenment and self actualization, they're interested in survival. And so there can be a really strong reaction against things that feel threatening in some way. And when we can recognise that, things that are unknown are often going to feel unsafe because they are unfamiliar.
0:05:21.42 → 0:06:10.61
And our nervous system is really primed to help us stay alive. And when it can't predict how something's going to go is your nervous system is essentially a predictive tool. It calls upon everything that you've ever experienced and seen and absorbed from the world around you and sort of philtres all of that and goes, okay, what do I have on this situation, these sensations in my body, this emotional experience, this relational dynamic, what information do I have on this? And it'll call on all of those things and make an assessment of how safe or dangerous the situation is and urge you to act accordingly. And so if something is new or unknown or unfamiliar or uncomfortable, then your body brain, nervous system is going to be saying, don't go there.
0:06:10.68 → 0:06:30.57
That's no good. We don't know how to control that outcome, we don't know how to make sure that that's safe. So it's best to be avoided, right? The trouble with this is, as I said in the introduction that we end up staying in our comfort zone. There's all of those quotes that you see plastered all over the internet.
0:06:31.23 → 0:06:48.31
Growth happens outside your comfort zone. It's a little bit naff, but it's not untrue. Right. The analogy that my therapist always gives is like if you're training at the gym and you're lifting weights, everything in your body is going to be telling you like, put the damn thing down. It's heavy.
0:06:48.36 → 0:07:18.38
This is uncomfortable. Right. But we can know rationally that that point is the point where it's most important that we stay in the discomfort and that we edge out beyond that point where our body and brain wants to quit or wants to pull back from the discomfort. Right. So as much as it makes sense that we would cling to things that feel comfortable and known, and it makes sense that we would recoil from discomfort, whether that's physical discomfort, emotional discomfort, or any other kind of discomfort.
0:07:18.54 → 0:07:52.03
And while there is absolutely wisdom in listening to our intuitive knowledge, it's not to say that you should just always override what your body is telling you to do. I think that a huge part of growing is in changing the way that we relate to discomfort. Okay? And I think the more we can change our mindset around it and go, okay, discomfort is an opportunity for me to build my capacity. That is really, really fertile ground for self exploration.
0:07:52.19 → 0:08:31.51
And relatively, I think, exploring the way we relate to stress and not in the sense of chronic stress burnout because I don't think anyone would be arguing that that is an opportunity and that that is growth enhancing. I think quite the contrary, but more situational stress, it is really what triggers an adaptation in us. Right? Again, going back to the gym example, it's only when you're putting those muscles under stress which happens when you are stretching yourself, that's what triggers the adaptation after the fact. You're not going to get any growth or adaptation from the first rep in your first set because that is comfortable and it's not challenging you.
0:08:31.60 → 0:09:23.71
Right. So I think that recognising the opportunity that lies in staying in discomfort and, as I said, reframing the way that we relate to discomfort and seeing it as a challenge and an opportunity and recognising that our expansion lives on the other side of our courage in lingering in that discomfort is very, very transformative in the relationship that we have with ourselves, but also with the world around us and with life. Because when we are motivated by staying comfortable and we don't want to stretch ourselves and we actively shy away from discomfort, then we become very, very fragile. Right? We try and avoid situations, people, dynamics that could lead us to feel uncomfortable.
0:09:24.05 → 0:10:20.17
We stay in a bubble of what we know. And as I said, it's almost like we shape our lives around trying to avoid the things that could lead us to feel discomfort. Whereas when we open ourselves to the possibility of discomfort and trust ourselves to be resilient in experiencing that discomfort and coming out the other side, not only surviving it, but actually being stronger for it, then I think we become quite resilient in a way that we just aren't. If we're so attached to the idea of comfort and familiarity and certainty, and really, while it's a different entry point into the conversation, this is the essence of everything that I teach, frankly, in relationships and in the podcast In Anxious Attachment. It's like, can I build up my own inner capacity to be with whatever arises in my life and in my relationships?
0:10:20.30 → 0:11:26.55
Such that I'm not living in fear all the time, such that I trust my ability to hold it, even if it doesn't feel good, even if it's frightening or overwhelming or painful or hard, that I can feel those things and I can be with those emotions and those sensations and I can survive it. And we really give ourselves these embodied experiences of our own efficacy and our own strength and our own capability that we just never get to experience if we're constantly in avoidance and in that running away and pulling back, and that clinging to the familiar, to clinging to what we can control. Right? And I think that having those embodied experiences of like, oh, yeah, that was really hard. But here I am on the other side of it that might start in the gym or in doing a cold plunge or any other number of practises that we might look at as a way to build this discomfort muscle.
0:11:27.13 → 0:12:04.94
It might start in those settings, but it really ripples out throughout your life and it teaches you, oh, yeah, I can feel pain and discomfort and survive and be okay. Right. So I think on that note, some protocols or some practises that you might wish to explore on the physical side for me, and I did say that I'd speak to my own journey with this. I used to be someone who was very much comfortable and I had really no desire or interest in being uncomfortable. I didn't really like any sort of strenuous physical activity.
0:12:05.08 → 0:12:20.00
And I told myself a story and told others a story of, like, why would you want to do hard exercise? That sounds awful. No, thank you. I'll just go for a nice walk or do an easy yoga class or something. This is nothing against walking or yoga.
0:12:20.03 → 0:12:40.65
I still love both of those things very much. But I had this attitude towards physical challenge of like, no, thank you, I'll be fine. That's not for me. And I can look back on that now and recognise how much that was coming from a self protective place, because I didn't think I could do it right. I didn't think I had it in me.
0:12:40.69 → 0:13:11.18
I didn't trust myself. I thought I'd be bad at it or I thought I'd fail, I thought I'd be weak, thought I'd be embarrassed, and so I just didn't. And I think in this broader conversation around discomfort, that's probably true in a lot of the things that we don't do because it's uncomfortable is, oh, I don't want to fail. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. I don't want to be in pain or struggle because I might feel shame or humiliation or any of those things.
0:13:12.03 → 0:14:03.18
So for me, a real turning point was kind of getting out of my own way there. And physical exercise and really learning to embrace challenging exercise has been a huge part of my own journey with this. And I think I've told the story on the show before, a few years ago, when I was in a previous relationship that was not very good and I was nearing the end of that and I kind of knew I was nearing the end of it, but I didn't quite have the courage yet. I didn't quite have the resolve or, frankly, the plan on how I was going to do that and what I was going to do and what my life was going to look like. All of those things that can come with the impending end of a difficult relationship.
0:14:03.55 → 0:14:30.77
And I set myself the challenge to run 100 kilometres over the course of a month. And for some people who are runners, that's not a great deal, that's not a huge distance, right? But for me, definitely not being a runner at all, that was a big deal to set that goal. And I did it. I ran every day or every other day, and I reached that goal of 100 kilometres over the course of the month.
0:14:30.84 → 0:15:24.51
And not only was it significant that I set the goal and I did it even though it was hard, but there was this funny thing that happened whereby it was really, really hard at first, and then it got easier as I got better and stronger and my fitness improved. And it was exhilarating to experience my own growth in a very direct, visceral, observable, measurable way. I got faster and I wasn't so out of breath and I could actually enjoy the process. So that, for me, was really symbolic and significant. And it wasn't long after that that wasn't the only reason, but it wasn't long after that that I did kind of bite the bullet and face the discomfort and the unknown of leaving that relationship because I had a newfound trust in my ability to do hard things.
0:15:24.71 → 0:15:56.95
So since then, in my own life, doing more physically challenging things and constantly stretching myself in that respect has become a big part of my spiritual, if we want to call it that, emotional practise of embracing discomfort and observing discomfort and the thoughts that go into my head when I'm doing something physically hard, telling me, oh, I can't do this. This is hard. And then the other voice, which is kind of a wise inner voice, saying, yes, you can. You can do this. Even if it's for another 30 seconds, you can do this.
0:15:57.12 → 0:16:10.88
And just trusting that and doing it and then going, okay, there you go, 30 seconds more, that's an achievement. I'm building the container, right? So finding something doesn't have to be running. It doesn't have to be lifting weights. It doesn't have to be anything.
0:16:11.01 → 0:16:55.02
But finding something for you that is physically challenging, I think is a really, really beautiful, effective way to develop your capacity to be with discomfort, develop your self trust and your self respect. And to do that in a very embodied way. So that your system, your brain, your body goes, yeah, I'm strong and I can do hard things, and I can feel really, really good for having done them. A more emotional or mental example of a practise here, I think we could really use just working through a trigger or a difficult emotion. So, again, often when we feel let's use anxiety as an example that most, if not all of you will relate to.
0:16:55.20 → 0:17:36.04
When we feel something like that, often we go, oh, my God, something bad's happening. And rather than actually just staying with the discomfort of the emotion, we launch into trying to make it stop. So that might be I fire off a million text messages, or I go and have an argument with someone or I do something, but I'm really trying to not have to make contact with the thing that I'm feeling that feels so uncomfortable. And I think that while we can understand where that's coming from, because the felt sense, the felt experience of anxiety is not pleasant, right? It's uncomfortable and it's big and it's overwhelming, actually.
0:17:36.14 → 0:18:30.79
Just staying with it and going, okay, what's going on? For me, rather than trying to get away from our feelings, can we spend a bit of time with them and delve into them a little now, of course, there will be times when that is not the thing that you need, and there will be situations where you might need to avoid rather than jump into a feeling. And I will trust you to be discerning about what you need in any given moment. But building up our capacity to if you get triggered or stressed or something happens in your relationship and it feels really destabilising to your system, can you stay connected to yourself through that experience rather than scrambling to try and control the situation outwardly or to get away from it? So what's going on with me?
0:18:30.96 → 0:18:46.35
What am I feeling in my body? What stories am I telling myself? Why does this feel so unsafe for me? What am I saying in my head? What conversations am I rehearsing with this person who has upset me?
0:18:46.52 → 0:19:20.64
What do I need? Okay. And really just like, staying with the experience of our own feelings, even though they will be uncomfortable. And you notice when you stay with the primary emotion that it tends to pass much more quickly. But it's only when we either jump up to the level of story and we perpetuate the emotion by spinning around in a lot of really painful stories or we try and get away from it and avoid it and the emotion just gets bigger and louder because we're not tending to it.
0:19:21.09 → 0:20:01.96
Then we're experiencing the discomfort anyway, but not really in a way that is adaptive or allows us to grow through it. So if that's one that you can relate to a really simple practise and again, it doesn't have to be every single time you feel a difficult emotion but actually just tuning in and staying, even if it's again staying. For 30 seconds with the physical experience of anxiety. Maybe journaling or just sitting and wrapping yourself in a hug and rocking back and forth and just soothing yourself as you would soothe a child and really staying in that and just noticing what happens. Right?
0:20:02.09 → 0:20:49.08
So the last thing that I want to say on this, and again, you will have heard me speak about this before, if you've done any of my programmes or you've listened to some of the episodes I've done around nervous system regulation, but the core principle underlying any of this is uncomfortable but safe. Okay? So we don't want to push our systems to a level of discomfort that is so far outside of our capacity that we're going to experience almost whiplash or some sort of snap back to comfort zone because it was too much shock or too much overwhelm, right? So it really is an incremental process of building our capacity. That's why I give these examples of 30 seconds beyond when you want to quit or 30 seconds, right?
0:20:49.13 → 0:21:37.67
It's not that you have to go from zero to running a marathon, it's just can I, bit by bit, build up my capacity so that over time I can look back and go, wow, look how far I've come. I used to totally spin out in a panic attack and now I'm able to quietly observe my feelings and my thoughts and stay with those and choose how I'm going to respond, right? It's not some big glamorous breakthrough. It's just a bit by bit, day by day, moment by moment process of stepping into something that is uncomfortable, but ultimately that we know to be safe. And that's a really important point in doing all of this in a way that is self responsible and self loving.
0:21:37.83 → 0:22:36.12
So I hope that's been an interesting conversation for you and has given you something to think about the way that you experience comfort and discomfort in your own life. And I should say that I'm not out here trying to be a disciplinarian and telling you that you need to crack the whip and get uncomfortable all the time and do military drills and all of that kind of thing. Again, it's discomfort in a way that is an act of love towards ourselves, because we know that it's in aid of our growth. And that doesn't mean that in every moment of every day you need to be seeking out discomfort, but really pendulating between comfort and discomfort so that we have trust in our ability to be with both, to be with. Whatever arises, rather than having to hide from the world and from our lives in a way that really makes us very small and very fragile and vulnerable and blocks us from having the openness to experience that most of us desire.
0:22:36.26 → 0:22:49.14
If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. It really does help so much. Share it with the people in your life who you think might enjoy it. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care, guys.
0:22:50.55 → 0:23:12.66
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.