#96 The Importance of Discomfort in Life & Relationships
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable.
Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
We’ll cover:
Why we tend to gravitate towards what is familiar and known
How embracing discomfort builds resilience
Physical protocols for exploring discomfort
Building our emotional capacity for discomfort
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my signature program, Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:42.96
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about discomfort, and specifically the importance of getting uncomfortable, of discomfort in building our capacity in life and in relationships.
0:00:43.15 → 0:01:48.54
So this is something that has been a really big part of my personal journey and it's also a key theme in the work that I do with clients and students, because I think that we are collectively really wired for comfort, probably as a baseline, as human beings, comfort equals familiarity, equals safety. So there's a strong tendency to cling to that which we know, which tends to be that which is known and comfortable. Right? But I think a huge part of building our capacity and growing lies in doing things that are new and are unknown and are uncertain and really stretching ourselves. And I think that the more we use comfort as our North Star almost, when we're just always choosing the comfortable thing, the known thing, the thing that provides us with a semblance of control and certainty, then we're always going to be getting more of what we've already got, which for a lot of us is not really what we want.
0:01:48.59 → 0:02:12.76
We want a different experience, we want new patterns, new dynamics in our lives. We want to grow, we want to expand, we want to evolve. And yet oftentimes we still, consciously or not, cling to what is known and what is comfortable. And I think oftentimes that is at ODS with our desire to grow and evolve. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around this today.
0:02:13.13 → 0:02:49.98
My own journey with embracing discomfort and the rewards that I've reaped from doing that and making that a practise. And how you might start to turn towards discomfort and use that as a way to build your own capacity and self trust and self respect, self worth, all of those other good things that I talk about a lot. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that registration for healing, anxious attachment is still open. The early bird period has closed now, but registration for the course is still open for another few days.
0:02:50.16 → 0:03:31.37
And that includes the live programme, which you might have heard me mention, which is an upgrade from the classic course, which is a self paced course. The live programme includes an eight week container, working with me in a small group setting, 690 minutes live group coaching calls and an online community for you all to connect. Share your experiences as you go through the programme. And really build those relationships with other people who are in the same situation, same boat as you, which I think in itself, can be very healing. So if you are interested, you can head straight to my website and you should be able to find the sign up page relatively easily or we will link that in the show notes as well.
0:03:31.49 → 0:03:58.73
Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. This one was pulled from Spotify and it was thank you so much for this life changing podcast. The quality and depth of every subject is enlightening and really has helped me make fundamental changes in my life. Thanks, Greg, I really appreciate that and I'm glad to hear it. If you're listening to this, Greg, you can send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you for taking the time.
0:03:58.88 → 0:04:40.74
All right, so let's talk about discomfort and the role of discomfort in life and in relationships. So I think that for those of us, particularly who tend towards insecure attachment patterns, discomfort is something that we experience a lot of, probably, but also have a really visceral response against. So, because we don't have a level of trust within ourselves and in our capacity to navigate difficult things, as soon as we come up against discomfort, there can be a very strong urge to pull away. Right? And again, as I said in the introduction, there's a human element to this, right?
0:04:40.79 → 0:05:21.29
We are survival driven beings and that is always going to be our primary drive, is to do the thing that is going to most aid or most increase the likelihood of our survival. Right. Our base systems of the body are not interested in enlightenment and self actualization, they're interested in survival. And so there can be a really strong reaction against things that feel threatening in some way. And when we can recognise that, things that are unknown are often going to feel unsafe because they are unfamiliar.
0:05:21.42 → 0:06:10.61
And our nervous system is really primed to help us stay alive. And when it can't predict how something's going to go is your nervous system is essentially a predictive tool. It calls upon everything that you've ever experienced and seen and absorbed from the world around you and sort of philtres all of that and goes, okay, what do I have on this situation, these sensations in my body, this emotional experience, this relational dynamic, what information do I have on this? And it'll call on all of those things and make an assessment of how safe or dangerous the situation is and urge you to act accordingly. And so if something is new or unknown or unfamiliar or uncomfortable, then your body brain, nervous system is going to be saying, don't go there.
0:06:10.68 → 0:06:30.57
That's no good. We don't know how to control that outcome, we don't know how to make sure that that's safe. So it's best to be avoided, right? The trouble with this is, as I said in the introduction that we end up staying in our comfort zone. There's all of those quotes that you see plastered all over the internet.
0:06:31.23 → 0:06:48.31
Growth happens outside your comfort zone. It's a little bit naff, but it's not untrue. Right. The analogy that my therapist always gives is like if you're training at the gym and you're lifting weights, everything in your body is going to be telling you like, put the damn thing down. It's heavy.
0:06:48.36 → 0:07:18.38
This is uncomfortable. Right. But we can know rationally that that point is the point where it's most important that we stay in the discomfort and that we edge out beyond that point where our body and brain wants to quit or wants to pull back from the discomfort. Right. So as much as it makes sense that we would cling to things that feel comfortable and known, and it makes sense that we would recoil from discomfort, whether that's physical discomfort, emotional discomfort, or any other kind of discomfort.
0:07:18.54 → 0:07:52.03
And while there is absolutely wisdom in listening to our intuitive knowledge, it's not to say that you should just always override what your body is telling you to do. I think that a huge part of growing is in changing the way that we relate to discomfort. Okay? And I think the more we can change our mindset around it and go, okay, discomfort is an opportunity for me to build my capacity. That is really, really fertile ground for self exploration.
0:07:52.19 → 0:08:31.51
And relatively, I think, exploring the way we relate to stress and not in the sense of chronic stress burnout because I don't think anyone would be arguing that that is an opportunity and that that is growth enhancing. I think quite the contrary, but more situational stress, it is really what triggers an adaptation in us. Right? Again, going back to the gym example, it's only when you're putting those muscles under stress which happens when you are stretching yourself, that's what triggers the adaptation after the fact. You're not going to get any growth or adaptation from the first rep in your first set because that is comfortable and it's not challenging you.
0:08:31.60 → 0:09:23.71
Right. So I think that recognising the opportunity that lies in staying in discomfort and, as I said, reframing the way that we relate to discomfort and seeing it as a challenge and an opportunity and recognising that our expansion lives on the other side of our courage in lingering in that discomfort is very, very transformative in the relationship that we have with ourselves, but also with the world around us and with life. Because when we are motivated by staying comfortable and we don't want to stretch ourselves and we actively shy away from discomfort, then we become very, very fragile. Right? We try and avoid situations, people, dynamics that could lead us to feel uncomfortable.
0:09:24.05 → 0:10:20.17
We stay in a bubble of what we know. And as I said, it's almost like we shape our lives around trying to avoid the things that could lead us to feel discomfort. Whereas when we open ourselves to the possibility of discomfort and trust ourselves to be resilient in experiencing that discomfort and coming out the other side, not only surviving it, but actually being stronger for it, then I think we become quite resilient in a way that we just aren't. If we're so attached to the idea of comfort and familiarity and certainty, and really, while it's a different entry point into the conversation, this is the essence of everything that I teach, frankly, in relationships and in the podcast In Anxious Attachment. It's like, can I build up my own inner capacity to be with whatever arises in my life and in my relationships?
0:10:20.30 → 0:11:26.55
Such that I'm not living in fear all the time, such that I trust my ability to hold it, even if it doesn't feel good, even if it's frightening or overwhelming or painful or hard, that I can feel those things and I can be with those emotions and those sensations and I can survive it. And we really give ourselves these embodied experiences of our own efficacy and our own strength and our own capability that we just never get to experience if we're constantly in avoidance and in that running away and pulling back, and that clinging to the familiar, to clinging to what we can control. Right? And I think that having those embodied experiences of like, oh, yeah, that was really hard. But here I am on the other side of it that might start in the gym or in doing a cold plunge or any other number of practises that we might look at as a way to build this discomfort muscle.
0:11:27.13 → 0:12:04.94
It might start in those settings, but it really ripples out throughout your life and it teaches you, oh, yeah, I can feel pain and discomfort and survive and be okay. Right. So I think on that note, some protocols or some practises that you might wish to explore on the physical side for me, and I did say that I'd speak to my own journey with this. I used to be someone who was very much comfortable and I had really no desire or interest in being uncomfortable. I didn't really like any sort of strenuous physical activity.
0:12:05.08 → 0:12:20.00
And I told myself a story and told others a story of, like, why would you want to do hard exercise? That sounds awful. No, thank you. I'll just go for a nice walk or do an easy yoga class or something. This is nothing against walking or yoga.
0:12:20.03 → 0:12:40.65
I still love both of those things very much. But I had this attitude towards physical challenge of like, no, thank you, I'll be fine. That's not for me. And I can look back on that now and recognise how much that was coming from a self protective place, because I didn't think I could do it right. I didn't think I had it in me.
0:12:40.69 → 0:13:11.18
I didn't trust myself. I thought I'd be bad at it or I thought I'd fail, I thought I'd be weak, thought I'd be embarrassed, and so I just didn't. And I think in this broader conversation around discomfort, that's probably true in a lot of the things that we don't do because it's uncomfortable is, oh, I don't want to fail. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. I don't want to be in pain or struggle because I might feel shame or humiliation or any of those things.
0:13:12.03 → 0:14:03.18
So for me, a real turning point was kind of getting out of my own way there. And physical exercise and really learning to embrace challenging exercise has been a huge part of my own journey with this. And I think I've told the story on the show before, a few years ago, when I was in a previous relationship that was not very good and I was nearing the end of that and I kind of knew I was nearing the end of it, but I didn't quite have the courage yet. I didn't quite have the resolve or, frankly, the plan on how I was going to do that and what I was going to do and what my life was going to look like. All of those things that can come with the impending end of a difficult relationship.
0:14:03.55 → 0:14:30.77
And I set myself the challenge to run 100 kilometres over the course of a month. And for some people who are runners, that's not a great deal, that's not a huge distance, right? But for me, definitely not being a runner at all, that was a big deal to set that goal. And I did it. I ran every day or every other day, and I reached that goal of 100 kilometres over the course of the month.
0:14:30.84 → 0:15:24.51
And not only was it significant that I set the goal and I did it even though it was hard, but there was this funny thing that happened whereby it was really, really hard at first, and then it got easier as I got better and stronger and my fitness improved. And it was exhilarating to experience my own growth in a very direct, visceral, observable, measurable way. I got faster and I wasn't so out of breath and I could actually enjoy the process. So that, for me, was really symbolic and significant. And it wasn't long after that that wasn't the only reason, but it wasn't long after that that I did kind of bite the bullet and face the discomfort and the unknown of leaving that relationship because I had a newfound trust in my ability to do hard things.
0:15:24.71 → 0:15:56.95
So since then, in my own life, doing more physically challenging things and constantly stretching myself in that respect has become a big part of my spiritual, if we want to call it that, emotional practise of embracing discomfort and observing discomfort and the thoughts that go into my head when I'm doing something physically hard, telling me, oh, I can't do this. This is hard. And then the other voice, which is kind of a wise inner voice, saying, yes, you can. You can do this. Even if it's for another 30 seconds, you can do this.
0:15:57.12 → 0:16:10.88
And just trusting that and doing it and then going, okay, there you go, 30 seconds more, that's an achievement. I'm building the container, right? So finding something doesn't have to be running. It doesn't have to be lifting weights. It doesn't have to be anything.
0:16:11.01 → 0:16:55.02
But finding something for you that is physically challenging, I think is a really, really beautiful, effective way to develop your capacity to be with discomfort, develop your self trust and your self respect. And to do that in a very embodied way. So that your system, your brain, your body goes, yeah, I'm strong and I can do hard things, and I can feel really, really good for having done them. A more emotional or mental example of a practise here, I think we could really use just working through a trigger or a difficult emotion. So, again, often when we feel let's use anxiety as an example that most, if not all of you will relate to.
0:16:55.20 → 0:17:36.04
When we feel something like that, often we go, oh, my God, something bad's happening. And rather than actually just staying with the discomfort of the emotion, we launch into trying to make it stop. So that might be I fire off a million text messages, or I go and have an argument with someone or I do something, but I'm really trying to not have to make contact with the thing that I'm feeling that feels so uncomfortable. And I think that while we can understand where that's coming from, because the felt sense, the felt experience of anxiety is not pleasant, right? It's uncomfortable and it's big and it's overwhelming, actually.
0:17:36.14 → 0:18:30.79
Just staying with it and going, okay, what's going on? For me, rather than trying to get away from our feelings, can we spend a bit of time with them and delve into them a little now, of course, there will be times when that is not the thing that you need, and there will be situations where you might need to avoid rather than jump into a feeling. And I will trust you to be discerning about what you need in any given moment. But building up our capacity to if you get triggered or stressed or something happens in your relationship and it feels really destabilising to your system, can you stay connected to yourself through that experience rather than scrambling to try and control the situation outwardly or to get away from it? So what's going on with me?
0:18:30.96 → 0:18:46.35
What am I feeling in my body? What stories am I telling myself? Why does this feel so unsafe for me? What am I saying in my head? What conversations am I rehearsing with this person who has upset me?
0:18:46.52 → 0:19:20.64
What do I need? Okay. And really just like, staying with the experience of our own feelings, even though they will be uncomfortable. And you notice when you stay with the primary emotion that it tends to pass much more quickly. But it's only when we either jump up to the level of story and we perpetuate the emotion by spinning around in a lot of really painful stories or we try and get away from it and avoid it and the emotion just gets bigger and louder because we're not tending to it.
0:19:21.09 → 0:20:01.96
Then we're experiencing the discomfort anyway, but not really in a way that is adaptive or allows us to grow through it. So if that's one that you can relate to a really simple practise and again, it doesn't have to be every single time you feel a difficult emotion but actually just tuning in and staying, even if it's again staying. For 30 seconds with the physical experience of anxiety. Maybe journaling or just sitting and wrapping yourself in a hug and rocking back and forth and just soothing yourself as you would soothe a child and really staying in that and just noticing what happens. Right?
0:20:02.09 → 0:20:49.08
So the last thing that I want to say on this, and again, you will have heard me speak about this before, if you've done any of my programmes or you've listened to some of the episodes I've done around nervous system regulation, but the core principle underlying any of this is uncomfortable but safe. Okay? So we don't want to push our systems to a level of discomfort that is so far outside of our capacity that we're going to experience almost whiplash or some sort of snap back to comfort zone because it was too much shock or too much overwhelm, right? So it really is an incremental process of building our capacity. That's why I give these examples of 30 seconds beyond when you want to quit or 30 seconds, right?
0:20:49.13 → 0:21:37.67
It's not that you have to go from zero to running a marathon, it's just can I, bit by bit, build up my capacity so that over time I can look back and go, wow, look how far I've come. I used to totally spin out in a panic attack and now I'm able to quietly observe my feelings and my thoughts and stay with those and choose how I'm going to respond, right? It's not some big glamorous breakthrough. It's just a bit by bit, day by day, moment by moment process of stepping into something that is uncomfortable, but ultimately that we know to be safe. And that's a really important point in doing all of this in a way that is self responsible and self loving.
0:21:37.83 → 0:22:36.12
So I hope that's been an interesting conversation for you and has given you something to think about the way that you experience comfort and discomfort in your own life. And I should say that I'm not out here trying to be a disciplinarian and telling you that you need to crack the whip and get uncomfortable all the time and do military drills and all of that kind of thing. Again, it's discomfort in a way that is an act of love towards ourselves, because we know that it's in aid of our growth. And that doesn't mean that in every moment of every day you need to be seeking out discomfort, but really pendulating between comfort and discomfort so that we have trust in our ability to be with both, to be with. Whatever arises, rather than having to hide from the world and from our lives in a way that really makes us very small and very fragile and vulnerable and blocks us from having the openness to experience that most of us desire.
0:22:36.26 → 0:22:49.14
If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. It really does help so much. Share it with the people in your life who you think might enjoy it. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care, guys.
0:22:50.55 → 0:23:12.66
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.