#93 Why Are "Toxic" Relationships So Hard to Recover From
Ever wondered why it is so challenging to recover from toxic relationships? Why the chaos and unpredictability leave you feeling disoriented and overwhelmed? I'm here to guide you through this complex terrain. In a candid conversation, we'll unravel the dynamics of such relationships and expose the confusion, grief, and shame that often accompany them. Just remember, the difficulty isn't only in letting go, but also in the aftermath that can leave you feeling lost.
Ever wondered why it is so challenging to recover from toxic relationships? Why the chaos and unpredictability leave you feeling disoriented and overwhelmed? I'm here to guide you through this complex terrain. In a candid conversation, we'll unravel the dynamics of such relationships and expose the confusion, grief, and shame that often accompany them. Just remember, the difficulty isn't only in letting go, but also in the aftermath that can leave you feeling lost.
As we journey together towards healing, we'll tackle the isolation, embarrassment, and the elusive closure that often seems unattainable. It's a hard road, no doubt about it, but I'm here to help you navigate through it. We'll dig into practical tools to assist you in the recovery process, and learn how to move on healthily. No more futile pursuit of validation and connection, no more shame for not leaving sooner; we're focusing on healing and growth. Brace yourself, we're about to strip away the layers and reveal the true dynamics of toxic relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. You. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment.
0:00:29.87 → 0:01:12.17
In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about why toxic or dysfunctional unhealthy relationships are so hard to recover from. So this is one of those areas where it's really counterintuitive. You would think that a relationship that's been a bit of a train wreck, a bit of a shit show, is something that you're going to leave and feel this big sigh of relief, put it behind you and suddenly you're free of all of that drama and you can move on with your life and be better for it. While that is what it feels like it should be on paper, the reality of it is often much messier than that. And as I said, counterintuitively.
0:01:12.22 → 0:02:01.57
I think that we can struggle a lot more to detach from and make sense of these really dysfunctional dynamics compared with if we were moving on from a breakup of a relationship that was broadly healthy and stable, you'd think that those ones would be the ones that we'd really struggle to let go of. But that's generally not the case. So I'm going to be unpacking why that is why it's such a common experience to really struggle to not only leave and let go of these dysfunctional relationships, as in getting to the point of breaking up, but why the aftermath can feel so confusing and disorienting. And I'm hoping that in doing that it will not only normalise that experience. If you've been in that or maybe you're in it at the moment and you're wondering, what's wrong with me?
0:02:01.64 → 0:02:28.53
I know rationally that that relationship was really unhealthy for me. And yet I feel so consumed by thinking about it and playing out all of the what ifs and all of those scenarios. But also that it'll give you some tools to really give yourself the acceptance and the closure that you're seeking in a way that allows you to move on with your life in a healthy way. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:28.66 → 0:03:06.84
The first being you will have heard me mention in the past couple of episodes that Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, is reopening for enrollment very soon. In one week, I think from the date that this comes out, there are already well over a thousand of you who have signed up to the waitlist, which ensures you get early bird pricing and first access when the course comes out. And you can join that waitlist via the link in the show notes. I'm also very excited, although slightly hesitant to announce, and I say hesitant because announcing it on here makes it real and forces me to actually follow through on this. But here we go.
0:03:07.29 → 0:03:48.71
For the first time ever, I'm going to be offering a VIP version of Healing Anxious Attachment, which is more of a group coaching programme than an online course. So Healing Anxious Attachment, in its original form is an online course, so it's eight modules that are self paced and you have lifetime access to those. So it's really comprehensive and has heaps of information and resources, workbooks, meditations, the whole bit. It's a really wonderful course, but I know that for some people, having that additional face to face component and individual support from me is really helpful. But obviously I'm constrained in how many people I'm able to offer that to.
0:03:48.86 → 0:04:21.66
The last couple of rounds of Healing Anxious Attachment had about 350 people. So obviously, I'm not in a position to give individual coaching and feedback to 350 people. It's just way beyond capacity. So something that I'm trialling for this next round is a capped small group coaching VIP option, and that will be 690 minutes group coaching calls with me over that eight week period. We're also going to have a pop up online community, so there's that support and community connection and a few bonus resources as well.
0:04:21.71 → 0:05:03.94
So that's going to be capped, I think, at 30 spots. So if that's something that interests you, maybe you've been interested in working with me more closely, maybe you've looked at my Mastermind but not wanted to commit to a full six months. This could be a really great way to get that extra support along with the course itself, in a way that allows you to get that feedback and interaction with me and with your peers that goes beyond just the self paced learning of a course. So, again, if you're interested in that, just join the regular waitlist and that will be a first come, first served when doors open next week for the VIP option. So I hope that people are excited by that.
0:05:03.96 → 0:05:24.96
And as I said, it's a bit of an experiment, so we'll see how it goes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is the kindness, sincerity and compassion that she shares her knowledge with is wonderful. I've already gained so much insight regarding past relationships, current relationships and definitely communication. Thank you for the beautiful way that all of this is given. Thank you so much for that beautiful review.
0:05:25.01 → 0:05:47.62
I really appreciate it. If that was yours, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Masterclasses. Okay, all of that out of the way. Thank you for your patience. I know that when it's launching time, when I'm in course launch mode, the introduction tends to be a little lengthier, so I appreciate you sticking with me.
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Let's talk about toxic relationships and why they're so hard to recover from. As I said in the introduction, oftentimes when we've been in a toxic relationship, when we eventually get to the point where that relationship ends, for whatever reason, you would think that we would be really relieved. And I think on some level, we can be the part of us that knows that that was costing us a lot emotionally, physically, potentially, mentally. The part of us that's exhausted and drained might feel a sense of relief that we're through the other side of that. But at the same time, I think for many people, the overwhelming feeling is one of confusion and grief and maybe shame.
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I think that we can have a lot of shame around what we put up with and for how long. I know that I've experienced that myself. But a lot of these relationships end in a way that is not satisfying, it's not tied up nicely in a way where we can make sense of what happened and why. And I think that we talk so much about closure and the need for closure at the end of a relationship, and it's rare that a really toxic, dysfunctional dynamic is going to leave you with a sense of closure. Because if we really unpack, what do we mean by closure?
0:07:09.02 → 0:08:05.80
It's a sense of acceptance, a sense of understanding what happened and why and the very nature of dysfunctional toxic dynamics is that there's not a lot of sense to it. It might have been very chaotic and unpredictable and confusing and inconsistent. Probably not great communication, probably high conflict, maybe turbulence. You probably never felt terribly validated or understood by this person in a way that really allowed you to feel emotionally safe with them. And so it's almost like you've spent whatever period of time it might have been months, it might have been years, you've spent that time banging up against a wall, trying to make it work, only to then slump down in defeat and just feel totally spent, but also really defeated by the fact that you weren't able to get there.
0:08:06.17 → 0:09:31.89
And that sort of brings me to part of why I think it's so hard, particularly if you are someone who leans more towards anxious attachment, your baseline tendency in relationships is to just try everything and try it again and again and again, right? It's really, really hard to walk away from a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional it is, because your blueprint is to keep pushing, right, to keep trying to get over the line, to get someone to show up in a certain way, to get them to give you the comfort, the validation, the connection that you're craving from them. And in a weird sort of way, the more erratic they are, the more inconsistent they are, the more your anxiety flares up and really drives you to do that over functioning backbending thing of just trying to get someone to be there for you. Striving proving people pleasing, fawning, whatever it might look like, your efforts tend to ramp up commensurate with their chaos and that's not meant to abrogate responsibility. On one side, I think that these dynamics are almost always co created and we tend to trigger each other into increasing levels of chaos and dysfunction.
0:09:32.63 → 0:10:17.47
But on the anxious side, and I speak to that experience because I know that so many of my community fall into that camp. On the anxious side, it's likely that you expended a lot of emotional energy and effort into trying to make the relationship work, dysfunction notwithstanding, that you were just trying and trying and trying, and that as that got increasingly challenging over the course of the relationship, your efforts only increased. Right. And you might find yourself isolated from friends and family. You might have really been so consumed by trying to make the relationship work that your world got very small.
0:10:17.67 → 0:11:11.60
And again, I can relate to this, that you become really insular and maybe you don't want to tell people how bad it is because you're ashamed and you still want to salvage it and so you don't want to taint the relationship and your partner in the eyes of the people in your life. And so you just get very small and you get very private and you don't really have the energy or bandwidth to deal with anything outside of this very important mission to try and salvage this shit show of a relationship, right? And that's really, really hard to not only go through, but then to come out of it's. Kind of like the metaphor or the analogy that I always use is like a bomb's just gone off. You're in this war zone and then you sort of come to and you're just walking around amongst the rubble trying to make sense of it and figuring out, where do I even begin to pick up the pieces from this?
0:11:11.65 → 0:12:13.63
Because I really lost a lot of myself in those efforts to make this dysfunctional relationship become some semblance of stability and to realise that you just couldn't get there and that you've now got to deal with the aftermath of that in terms of your own sense of self, self esteem, self worth, all of those things. That's a really, really destabilising and disorienting place to be. So I really just want to validate how very understandable it is if that has been your experience, if you've recently gone through that, if you're in it at the moment, or maybe you've gone through it in the past and you've just maybe been hard on yourself for the fact that you haven't been able to let go. I think that in many cases, as much as we can know rationally, that the relationship ending was the right thing, again, it runs counter to everything in your being to give up, right? And just because the relationship was unhealthy, very few relationships are bad 100% of the time.
0:12:13.80 → 0:13:02.10
And so when all of that stress is alleviated, all of the day to day dysfunction is gone because the relationships ended and you're not having to deal with that oftentimes, you'll be left with this really warped, skewed perception. Of what the relationship was because you're now no longer dealing with the bad stuff, but you have all the memories of the good stuff and you're dealing with the lack of whatever good things were there. So the comfort, the company, maybe there was still intimacy of some sort, all of those things. You're suddenly feeling this gaping void and you really have all of this urge to reattach and reconnect because those things feel so good and to not have them feel so painful. But you have this very selective memory around what the relationship was like.
0:13:02.15 → 0:13:57.35
And again, I think that's part of our brain and our being just trying to make sense of it and trying to make it hurt less is by convincing ourselves that it wasn't that bad or that maybe it's still salvageable. Or maybe we should have one more conversation just to try and make it all make sense, to bring it all into some sense of harmony or rationality or something that we can tie up neatly with a bow and go, okay, I can accept that now because I can tell the story in a way that feels cohesive. Because I think in many cases we don't have answers. And to tell the story as it happened, we can really struggle to make sense of why we stayed and what about that was appealing to us and why we didn't leave sooner or set boundaries, or why we forgave someone a million times for hurting us. All of those things can be really hard to just look at in the light of day and make sense of.
0:13:57.42 → 0:14:39.86
And so we do want to find other justifications and other explanations and other ways to spin the story or to salvage that wreckage. So, as I said, I just want to really normalise that. If you have been through it and you've been hard on yourself for that, I think that that's really common, more so than you'd realise. Obviously, I am kind of privy to this because it's my job and I speak to so many people about this, but I think most of us do feel a level of shame and embarrassment. And so we tend not to be very honest with our friends and family when we've been through something like this because we don't want to admit how bad it was.
0:14:39.91 → 0:15:05.75
And we might judge ourselves for not being stronger, all sorts of things. So just validating how normal that is. And you're very much not alone in that experience. Now, pivoting to how can we help ourselves when we're in this space? I think that the whole closure piece is one of those tricky ones where oftentimes we tell ourselves that we need to get closure from this person in order to be able to move on.
0:15:05.84 → 0:15:56.84
And as I've said before, the great irony around closure is the relationships that leave you reaching for closure, needing closure, desperate for closure, are probably the relationships where you're never going to get it. Because the person who leaves you in that sense of disarray, going back to that visual of standing amongst the rubble, desperately seeking an explanation and a way to make meaning of it, the person who leaves you feeling like that is probably not the person who has the capacity to give you the closure that you're seeking. Right? We tell ourselves that just one more conversation and then I'll feel better. But remember, this person that you're wanting to have one more conversation with is the same person who hurt you or who was unable to emotionally support you or who you had really dysfunctional conflict cycles with.
0:15:56.94 → 0:16:22.77
It's the same person. And they probably haven't magically developed emotional capacity and emotional maturity such that they're going to be able to show up to that conversation in a way that will give you the relief that you're looking for. So if that's one of the stories you're telling yourself, I just need to talk to them. I just need to get closure from them, please trust me when I say that your closure comes from within. It comes from finding a level of acceptance.
0:16:22.85 → 0:16:38.65
And sometimes that acceptance is accepting that you will never fully understand what happened there, accepting that you will never fully know what was going on for them. You'll never know the full truth. You'll never know how they were feeling. You'll never know why they behaved the way they did. All of those things.
0:16:38.72 → 0:17:16.07
There's this level of, can I just accept that I will never fully understand or that I might never know how they're feeling? And coming to terms with that, making peace with that, and really just letting go and trusting that that's where your closure comes from. It's really an inner peace, rather than finding some sort of outer relational story that finally feels cohesive, because sometimes that cohesiveness just doesn't exist, right? There isn't a nice explanation for what happened that makes us feel better. So we just actually need to self source that level of acceptance and peace.
0:17:16.41 → 0:17:59.16
The other thing that I'd say is, in the same vein, people often say, like, I can't move on until I can't let go, yet I can't move on. I'm not over them, therefore I can't move on with my life. And again, I understand the sentiment, we've all been there. But I think the really important thing to understand is that your acceptance, your letting go emotionally comes from taking action. So rather than waiting until you magically feel better to move on with your life, to start rebuilding and taking steps towards whatever the next chapter looks like, I think you need to take those steps and trust that the feelings will follow.
0:17:59.61 → 0:18:43.12
You need to take those steps to create the space in your life for a new version of you to emerge. Because if you just stay kind of static and stuck in this old version where your life looks exactly the same, except now there's this gaping hole where the relationship used to be, then you're going to be feeling that gaping hole every day. And I don't think that it's wise to just expect that to go away. So my suggestion to you is turn over the page and start writing out a new story and trust that you will grow through it and you'll be stronger for it. But there's much more personal power and freedom and liberation in taking that action before you feel ready.
0:18:43.25 → 0:19:01.88
It's like all of those quotes that you'll see on Instagram. It's like you don't wait until you're motivated to go to the gym. You go to the gym and you find your motivation once you get going. And I think it's a similar principle here. Let's not let our feelings be in the driver's seat of our choices that we need to make to really support our well being.
0:19:02.01 → 0:20:07.26
The final thing that I'll say here is I alluded to it earlier how common it is for us to isolate when we've been in unhealthy dysfunctional relationships and when we come out of them again, I think that's a combination of not having the bandwidth. If we're just so swept up in a very all consuming relationship where we're pouring all of our emotional and mental energy into trying to make the relationship work and there's a lot of conflict and dysfunction that's really exhausting and it's easy to just kind of organically become more isolated when you're in that. And then I think the other part, which is maybe more deliberate, is we aren't very honest or forthcoming with the people in our lives because we feel a lot of shame and maybe even embarrassment or humiliation about how bad things are and what we've accepted from this person. So if that's you and that's kind of an aspect of what you've been experiencing, I know that it's really hard. I know that your shame will tell you to hide, but the people in your life probably really care about you and really want to support you.
0:20:07.31 → 0:20:21.66
So I think that opening up to trusted people and saying the honest truth, I don't know how I got here. It was really bad. I was just trying to make it work. I feel so much grief. I feel so lonely.
0:20:21.72 → 0:20:55.78
Whatever it is that you're feeling, trust that the people who care about you care about that experience and want to support you through it. So try not to isolate yourself. Try to reach out to people. That's going to be a really important part of the healing process for you and really deeply reminding your system that you are loved and you are cared for and that you have lots going on in your life. Because again, it can feel very dark and lonely when we've lost that attachment figure in the form of our romantic partner.
0:20:55.89 → 0:21:20.69
So supplementing that with lots of other beautiful, loving, nourishing supportive relationships is really, really good. Okay? I really hope that that has been helpful. I know that if you're in this at the moment, it's so tough and it's so disorienting, but I do hope that this has given you a feel for there being a light at the end of the tunnel. If you are going through a breakup and you're wanting some additional resources and tools for that.
0:21:20.73 → 0:21:39.85
I do have a breakup course on my website called Higher Love. That's a really good one, and it really kind of holds your hand and walks you through the whole breakup process and beyond. So you can go cheque that out via my website and we might link it in the show notes as well. Otherwise, guys, as always, grateful for you. Grateful for your support.
0:21:40.00 → 0:22:07.25
If you like this episode, please leave a rating or a review or a little comment on Spotify if you're listening there, and I look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:22:07.33 → 0:22:19.25
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
#92 How to Manage Jealousy in Relationships
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Well, you're not alone. I'm inviting you to join me on a journey to understand this complex emotion better and explore ways to transform it into a tool for strengthening relationships. We'll explore the various expressions of jealousy, ranging from the healthy to the unhealthy, and shed light on why it emerges, encouraging a perspective of curiosity and understanding over judgement.
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Well, you're not alone. I'm inviting you to join me on a journey to understand this complex emotion better and explore ways to transform it into a tool for strengthening relationships. We'll explore the various expressions of jealousy, ranging from the healthy to the unhealthy, and shed light on why it emerges, encouraging a perspective of curiosity and understanding over judgement.
Today's episode is especially beneficial for those grappling with jealousy resulting from a partner's past wrongdoings. Together, we'll learn how to create a safe space for addressing these feelings and communicating them respectfully.. So tune in, and let's redefine your understanding of jealousy in relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.33 → 0:00:36.06
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about jealousy, how to manage jealousy in relationships.
0:00:36.17 → 0:01:36.50
So I think unless you are superhuman, the most confident and secure person to ever walk the planet, you've probably experienced jealousy at one point or another in your relationships. And that's because jealousy is a very, very normal part of being human. But I think that we could all agree that there are healthy, normal expressions of jealousy and then there are versions of jealousy that can really send us to not so healthy places, both within ourselves and our relationships. So I'm hoping that in today's conversation, I can give a bit of context for jealousy and unpacking what might be the drivers of that, if it's something that you experience very acutely in your relationship. And also some tips on how you can talk to your partner about jealousy, any particular situations that might be triggering your jealousy, and how you can navigate those together in a way that hopefully brings you closer, rather than it being a persistent wedge between you that really drives your part and undermines the security of the partnership.
0:01:36.56 → 0:02:00.32
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. As I've mentioned in the past few episodes, Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature course, is reopening for enrollment later this month. Over a thousand people have been through Healing Anxious Attachment in the last year or so since I first launched it. It's a really powerful programme and it's one that I'm always improving and adding more to.
0:02:00.37 → 0:02:33.33
So this will be the fifth round and it will be the best yet, I have no doubt. If you're wanting to find out more or join the programme when it opens later this month, jump onto the waitlist via the link in my show notes or by heading straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. And being on that waitlist will ensure that you get first access when doors open and also guarantee you early bird pricing, which is $100 cheaper than the regular price. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is I love this one. Like a cup of hot chocolate for the heart.
0:02:33.47 → 0:03:05.25
Finding fulfilling relationships in which we're able to calm and offer soothing care to each other is so central to our human experience. Navigating the obstacles that different insecure attachment styles throw up is such a key challenge as we seek to cultivate meaningful relationships. Steph's podcast sparkles luminously with warmth, empathy, kindness and care as she invites curiosity to illuminate how we relate with the most important of tools, insight and understanding that's such a beautifully written review like you must be a writer. Thank you so much for the kind words. I really, really appreciate it.
0:03:05.37 → 0:03:49.57
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around jealousy. So, as I said in the introduction, jealousy is an emotion like any other and as such it's not something that we should be judging as bad. And yet I think for most of us we've been conditioned to see jealousy as a problem, maybe as a sign of weakness or a sign of insecurity. We might tell ourselves a story that if I were more confident or if I were more secure or more something, then I wouldn't struggle with jealousy.
0:03:49.91 → 0:04:51.75
But I don't think that's true. I think that we feel really ashamed of our jealousy when really jealousy is a very normal and natural human emotion and part of the human experience. The evolutionary psychologists would describe jealousy as a mate protection strategy, meaning when you feel like your relationship is threatened in some way by someone or something extraneous to the relationship, jealousy arises as this emotion that compels you to do something about it, to take action in protection of your partnership. And so when we see it in those terms, it kind of makes sense as an evolutionary protective mechanism that we would feel this jealousy and all of the emotions that might accompany it anger or rage or frustration or fear because it's threatening our relationship. And our relationship is something that obviously we experience as part of our safety and survival.
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So when we look at jealousy in that way, all of a sudden it kind of makes a lot of sense, as do most of our emotions. And if you're familiar with my work, you know that I'm all in favour of approaching our emotions with a level of curiosity and trying to figure out why they make sense rather than just trying to shut them down or shame ourselves or make ourselves wrong for the things that we're feeling. That approach tends to only make things worse, only exacerbate the challenging feelings that we're having because we're layering there's a primary emotion of jealousy or fear or anger. And on top of that we're adding shame and self criticism and self blame, which tends to just add more stress and resistance to our system rather than softening the system and creating more integration. So I suppose the first point here is please don't judge yourself for experiencing jealousy because we all do from time to time.
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It really is a very natural and normal human thing. So let's try and take the philtre of judgement off jealousy as with all other emotions, because there's really very little to be gained by judging our emotions as we experience them. Now, I think the thing with jealousy is, while I can certainly say and honestly say that there's nothing inherently wrong with jealousy, we could probably all agree that sometimes jealousy can be very all consuming and if managed poorly, it can really damage a relationship. So I think that when jealousy gets out of control, or perhaps I should say the behaviours that might be fueled by jealousy can get out of control. That's where we can get to the territory of really harmful, unsafe, disrespectful, untrusting dynamics.
0:06:41.04 → 0:07:39.07
And I should just clarify here, I'm not speaking about abusive situations, although obviously jealousy can play a part there in domestic abuse and violence and things of that nature. That's not the scope of my work. So really what I'm talking about here is more the behaviours if you are the jealous one of things like snooping or trying to gather information or making accusations or stalking even invading someone's privacy. Kind of getting into this feverish state of thinking that there is this threat to the relationship from something outside and that you go into almost a panicked state trying to regain some semblance of control. And for those who tend more towards anxious attachment, this does tend to look like information gathering and accusation and finding some solace in feeling like you know the truth.
0:07:39.41 → 0:08:19.90
Because the uncertainty of the unknown coupled with jealousy and suspicion can be just maddening for you. And I say that as someone who has experienced it, as I have, many of the things that I talk about on this podcast. So while jealousy managed poorly can absolutely drive a relationship into the ground, I think that jealousy managed well can actually bring you closer. And that might sound a bit crazy for you if that's not been your experience. And jealousy has only ever been something that has chipped away at the connection and has ultimately maybe torpedoed the connection.
0:08:20.03 → 0:09:07.35
And that's understandable. I think that in a pretty classic anxious, avoidant dynamic, particularly one where the people involved maybe lack the skills and the emotional capacity to be empathetic in moments and times of stress, which I think goes for most couples before they've done this work, right. We lose our capacity to be caring about the other person's experience when we're under a lot of stress or we feel like we're being attacked or anything in that vein. I think what often happens in that very classic expression of the anxious avoidance dynamic in the context of jealousy is the anxious person. You're probably very hyper attuned hypersensitive to anything that feels threatening to the relationship because the relationship is your lifeline, right?
0:09:07.47 → 0:10:02.95
That connection is so primal for you and your need to protect it is off the charts. And so any slight hint of a threat to the relationship is going to register really high on your threat levels and you are going to go into full fixing mode or harm minimization or whatever else you might do as a way to try and deal with that threat. Unfortunately, sometimes those behaviours can be unhealthy and dysregulated and highly emotional in a way that is not very productive, that doesn't really allow your partner to meet you in that in a way that is connective and supportive. Now, as always, we have the other side of the coin, which is the more avoidant experience. And we know that the sensitivity is of the more avoided partner, whereas the anxious person is very, very sensitive to anything that threatens the relationship.
0:10:03.15 → 0:11:01.00
The avoided partner is very, very sensitive to anything that feels like an accusation, that feels like an attempt to control, that feels like telling them they have done something wrong when they feel like they haven't done something wrong. And so to the extent that the jealousy is unfounded and I'll come to what I mean by that in a moment, the extent that it's unfounded, an example might be if you're on the more anxious side and you are very jealous of someone that your partner works with because they have a friendship and you feel really threatened by this person, they might be really attractive or really confident or otherwise have some quality that you envy, and so you feel really threatened by them. Provided there's nothing actually untoward about the relationship. Your more avoidant partner might really not take that very well. Might feel like they're being accused of something that they haven't done where there is no wrongdoing.
0:11:01.06 → 0:11:54.79
And so they might really be very dismissive or defensive in the face of you voicing, your jealousy, your concerns. They might feel like you're prying and they haven't deserved that level of scrutiny or surveillance. And so they might become very protective. Now, unfortunately, as is often the case in that anxious avoidant dynamic, when not dealt with skillfully, that defensiveness and dismissiveness in the face of your vulnerability and fear tends to heighten things, right? So if you're expressing that you're jealous and insecure and they're telling you that you're crazy and that you're being paranoid, but they're not really engaging or providing emotional support because they're feeling too attacked or like their backs up against the wall, you're probably not going to get much comfort or reassurance from their emotional response.
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And so while you might not proceed with pushing it in terms of outwardly discussing it internally, it's unlikely that you've gotten the relief that you were looking for and then you tend to escalate internally until you next erupt with some other fear driven response. So I think that that's how it can often play out in that anxious avoidant dynamic is you've got hypersensitivity coupled with hypersensitivity to one thing, coupled with hypersensitivity to another. And as always, they kind of click together like puzzle pieces that can really set each other off and exacerbate the other's insecurity, rather than allowing you to build a bridge and come together and find something that is mutually loving, respectful, supportive, of both of your needs. So all of that being said, I did say that I'd speak to this idea of where jealousy is unfounded. And the reason that I want to call that out is because sometimes people are really hard on themselves for being jealous when jealousy is the natural consequence of a breach of trust in the relationship that has happened previously.
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I've spoken about this in the context of infidelity and how to rebuild trust after infidelity. But I think that if you experience jealousy and that flows from a past experience whereby your partner has breached trust in a circumstance that looks similar to the one that you're in now. So if we return to the attractive colleague example, if your partner has previously crossed a line with a colleague in a way that was a breach of trust in your relationship, and then there's a new colleague and they're insisting that there's nothing untoward going on, that it looks and feels similar to you, even if there is nothing untoward going on. I think the person on the receiving end of that probably has to give you a little bit more latitude, a little bit more scope and grace, because your jealousy is the natural consequence of their wrongdoing in the past. So that's not something to overly focus on because as I said, I think ideally we want to be sharing and validating a partner's jealousy, or at least be creating a safe space to bring that to the relationship, irrespective of whether it's founded or not.
0:14:19.57 → 0:15:02.85
Because I think ultimately we want to be in relationships where we are a safe recipient for our partner to bring whatever they're experiencing and particularly where our conduct is causing them to experience some sort of inner turmoil or insecurity. Very little is gained from bottling that up and making it our problem to solve rather than bringing it to the arena of the relationship when it is ultimately a relational issue. Now, there are better ways to do that and worse ways to do that. As always, I really recommend that to the extent you're struggling with jealousy and you want to bring it to your partner, you don't want to frame it as an accusation. You don't want to say, I'm jealous because you're doing this bad thing, or anyone would be jealous in my situation.
0:15:02.94 → 0:15:44.51
And why can't you see that? What's wrong with you? Anything like that is immediately going to put someone on the defensive and you're not going to get what you want in terms of having them really hear you and be available to empathise and validate because they're going to be too staunchly in defensive mode and fair enough. So the way that we want to do it is, as always, bringing a combination of self responsibility and honesty and openness and respect. So I think that's really how you deliver it in a way that allows you to come closer into connection as a result of that vulnerability and that openness.
0:15:44.69 → 0:16:44.80
And so sharing that and saying, I find myself feeling really jealous of this, can we talk about it? I recognise that this might be some of my stuff because I know that I've struggled with jealousy in the past, or I know that I've got some of my unworthiness stuff still to deal with and that that can lead me to feel really threatened by people that I feel intimidated by or that I feel are whatever threatening to me in some way because I really envy them or admire them. So I know that this is my stuff. And at the same time, here's how you could support me to feel safe and reassured and comforted within our relationship. Recognising that it's ultimately in both of our best interests for us to be protecting the primacy of our relationship, rather than letting these extraneous things get in the way of that and fester in a way that ultimately erodes the bond between us.
0:16:45.57 → 0:17:30.00
You might recall an episode I did recently with Stan Tatkin, who is a superstar in this space. He's written many books and developed his own couple's therapy modality. But Stan has this concept of thirds, and a third is anything that threatens the primacy of the couple relationship. Obviously this is talking about monogamous relationships, but a third could be a person, it could be a child, it could be work, it could be social media. It's basically like anything outside of the relationship that one or both partners feel is threatening to the primacy of the connection.
0:17:30.08 → 0:18:41.18
And Stan in his work, really emphasises the absolute paramount importance of being pretty proactive about dealing with thirds as they arise, rather than letting them fester because they really can erode the relationship over time and jealousy can turn into resentment and disconnection and all sorts of other things. Whereas if we just deal with them as they arise and we call them out and we bring them to the other person and we have enough of a safe agreement between us that we are going to be a safe landing ground for those fears and those concerns, then that really allows us to approach these issues in a way that is not accusatory and it's not a source of disconnection. It actually brings us closer together because I think to be able to bring to someone your vulnerability and doing it in a self responsible way, that's really a loving thing to do because it's in support of the relationship's long term health and well being. So I hope that that has been a helpful take on jealousy. As I said, jealousy is so normal, it's not something to beat yourself up over.
0:18:41.36 → 0:19:10.12
Maybe the last thing that I'll add just as I'm speaking now, that's occurred to me. If you're someone who really struggles with jealousy and this is more for my anxious attachers. And you know that you get kind of frenzied around it and you get into such an anxious spiral that it feels like you are possessed by the devil and you're being taken over, and you behave in all of these crazy ways that afterwards you're like, wow, what was that? And you feel a lot of shame. Again, you might be able to tell from my tone of voice that I have experience with that and I have been there.
0:19:10.25 → 0:20:11.22
I think a really good idea is to call on a lot of those nervous system regulation tools that I've spoken about briefly on the podcast, but also that I teach very comprehensively in healing anxious attachment. Regulating first, rather than acting while fueled by that frenzied energy of extreme jealousy is a really good idea. So I think kind of bringing some stability and security to your body first, rather than just taking that feeling and letting it become like beer goggles, that makes everything feel extremely threatening and everything feels true and urgent and frantic, and you do feel possessed, like you have to act on it right then and there. And that can lead to behaviour that you really do regret afterwards, because it's probably not the most reasoned and rational approach. So definitely don't forget those nervous system regulation tools if you're someone who can get into that state of real panicked anxiety around jealousy.
0:20:11.33 → 0:20:26.17
Okay? So I hope that that's been helpful. As always, super grateful if you can leave a review. As I said, make sure to jump on the waitlist for healing anxious attachment if that is something that you are interested in checking out in a couple of weeks time. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon.
0:20:26.26 → 0:20:46.98
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
0:20:47.11 → 0:20:50.12
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.