How to Manage Jealousy in Relationships
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Well, you're not alone. I'm inviting you to join me on a journey to understand this complex emotion better and explore ways to transform it into a tool for strengthening relationships. We'll explore the various expressions of jealousy, ranging from the healthy to the unhealthy, and shed light on why it emerges, encouraging a perspective of curiosity and understanding over judgement.
Today's episode is especially beneficial for those grappling with jealousy resulting from a partner's past wrongdoings. Together, we'll learn how to create a safe space for addressing these feelings and communicating them respectfully.. So tune in, and let's redefine your understanding of jealousy in relationships.
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Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about jealousy, how to manage jealousy in relationships.
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So I think unless you are superhuman, the most confident and secure person to ever walk the planet, you've probably experienced jealousy at one point or another in your relationships. And that's because jealousy is a very, very normal part of being human. But I think that we could all agree that there are healthy, normal expressions of jealousy and then there are versions of jealousy that can really send us to not so healthy places, both within ourselves and our relationships. So I'm hoping that in today's conversation, I can give a bit of context for jealousy and unpacking what might be the drivers of that, if it's something that you experience very acutely in your relationship. And also some tips on how you can talk to your partner about jealousy, any particular situations that might be triggering your jealousy, and how you can navigate those together in a way that hopefully brings you closer, rather than it being a persistent wedge between you that really drives your part and undermines the security of the partnership.
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So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. As I've mentioned in the past few episodes, Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature course, is reopening for enrollment later this month. Over a thousand people have been through Healing Anxious Attachment in the last year or so since I first launched it. It's a really powerful programme and it's one that I'm always improving and adding more to.
0:02:00.37 → 0:02:33.33
So this will be the fifth round and it will be the best yet, I have no doubt. If you're wanting to find out more or join the programme when it opens later this month, jump onto the waitlist via the link in my show notes or by heading straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. And being on that waitlist will ensure that you get first access when doors open and also guarantee you early bird pricing, which is $100 cheaper than the regular price. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is I love this one. Like a cup of hot chocolate for the heart.
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Finding fulfilling relationships in which we're able to calm and offer soothing care to each other is so central to our human experience. Navigating the obstacles that different insecure attachment styles throw up is such a key challenge as we seek to cultivate meaningful relationships. Steph's podcast sparkles luminously with warmth, empathy, kindness and care as she invites curiosity to illuminate how we relate with the most important of tools, insight and understanding that's such a beautifully written review like you must be a writer. Thank you so much for the kind words. I really, really appreciate it.
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If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around jealousy. So, as I said in the introduction, jealousy is an emotion like any other and as such it's not something that we should be judging as bad. And yet I think for most of us we've been conditioned to see jealousy as a problem, maybe as a sign of weakness or a sign of insecurity. We might tell ourselves a story that if I were more confident or if I were more secure or more something, then I wouldn't struggle with jealousy.
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But I don't think that's true. I think that we feel really ashamed of our jealousy when really jealousy is a very normal and natural human emotion and part of the human experience. The evolutionary psychologists would describe jealousy as a mate protection strategy, meaning when you feel like your relationship is threatened in some way by someone or something extraneous to the relationship, jealousy arises as this emotion that compels you to do something about it, to take action in protection of your partnership. And so when we see it in those terms, it kind of makes sense as an evolutionary protective mechanism that we would feel this jealousy and all of the emotions that might accompany it anger or rage or frustration or fear because it's threatening our relationship. And our relationship is something that obviously we experience as part of our safety and survival.
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So when we look at jealousy in that way, all of a sudden it kind of makes a lot of sense, as do most of our emotions. And if you're familiar with my work, you know that I'm all in favour of approaching our emotions with a level of curiosity and trying to figure out why they make sense rather than just trying to shut them down or shame ourselves or make ourselves wrong for the things that we're feeling. That approach tends to only make things worse, only exacerbate the challenging feelings that we're having because we're layering there's a primary emotion of jealousy or fear or anger. And on top of that we're adding shame and self criticism and self blame, which tends to just add more stress and resistance to our system rather than softening the system and creating more integration. So I suppose the first point here is please don't judge yourself for experiencing jealousy because we all do from time to time.
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It really is a very natural and normal human thing. So let's try and take the philtre of judgement off jealousy as with all other emotions, because there's really very little to be gained by judging our emotions as we experience them. Now, I think the thing with jealousy is, while I can certainly say and honestly say that there's nothing inherently wrong with jealousy, we could probably all agree that sometimes jealousy can be very all consuming and if managed poorly, it can really damage a relationship. So I think that when jealousy gets out of control, or perhaps I should say the behaviours that might be fueled by jealousy can get out of control. That's where we can get to the territory of really harmful, unsafe, disrespectful, untrusting dynamics.
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And I should just clarify here, I'm not speaking about abusive situations, although obviously jealousy can play a part there in domestic abuse and violence and things of that nature. That's not the scope of my work. So really what I'm talking about here is more the behaviours if you are the jealous one of things like snooping or trying to gather information or making accusations or stalking even invading someone's privacy. Kind of getting into this feverish state of thinking that there is this threat to the relationship from something outside and that you go into almost a panicked state trying to regain some semblance of control. And for those who tend more towards anxious attachment, this does tend to look like information gathering and accusation and finding some solace in feeling like you know the truth.
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Because the uncertainty of the unknown coupled with jealousy and suspicion can be just maddening for you. And I say that as someone who has experienced it, as I have, many of the things that I talk about on this podcast. So while jealousy managed poorly can absolutely drive a relationship into the ground, I think that jealousy managed well can actually bring you closer. And that might sound a bit crazy for you if that's not been your experience. And jealousy has only ever been something that has chipped away at the connection and has ultimately maybe torpedoed the connection.
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And that's understandable. I think that in a pretty classic anxious, avoidant dynamic, particularly one where the people involved maybe lack the skills and the emotional capacity to be empathetic in moments and times of stress, which I think goes for most couples before they've done this work, right. We lose our capacity to be caring about the other person's experience when we're under a lot of stress or we feel like we're being attacked or anything in that vein. I think what often happens in that very classic expression of the anxious avoidance dynamic in the context of jealousy is the anxious person. You're probably very hyper attuned hypersensitive to anything that feels threatening to the relationship because the relationship is your lifeline, right?
0:09:07.47 → 0:10:02.95
That connection is so primal for you and your need to protect it is off the charts. And so any slight hint of a threat to the relationship is going to register really high on your threat levels and you are going to go into full fixing mode or harm minimization or whatever else you might do as a way to try and deal with that threat. Unfortunately, sometimes those behaviours can be unhealthy and dysregulated and highly emotional in a way that is not very productive, that doesn't really allow your partner to meet you in that in a way that is connective and supportive. Now, as always, we have the other side of the coin, which is the more avoidant experience. And we know that the sensitivity is of the more avoided partner, whereas the anxious person is very, very sensitive to anything that threatens the relationship.
0:10:03.15 → 0:11:01.00
The avoided partner is very, very sensitive to anything that feels like an accusation, that feels like an attempt to control, that feels like telling them they have done something wrong when they feel like they haven't done something wrong. And so to the extent that the jealousy is unfounded and I'll come to what I mean by that in a moment, the extent that it's unfounded, an example might be if you're on the more anxious side and you are very jealous of someone that your partner works with because they have a friendship and you feel really threatened by this person, they might be really attractive or really confident or otherwise have some quality that you envy, and so you feel really threatened by them. Provided there's nothing actually untoward about the relationship. Your more avoidant partner might really not take that very well. Might feel like they're being accused of something that they haven't done where there is no wrongdoing.
0:11:01.06 → 0:11:54.79
And so they might really be very dismissive or defensive in the face of you voicing, your jealousy, your concerns. They might feel like you're prying and they haven't deserved that level of scrutiny or surveillance. And so they might become very protective. Now, unfortunately, as is often the case in that anxious avoidant dynamic, when not dealt with skillfully, that defensiveness and dismissiveness in the face of your vulnerability and fear tends to heighten things, right? So if you're expressing that you're jealous and insecure and they're telling you that you're crazy and that you're being paranoid, but they're not really engaging or providing emotional support because they're feeling too attacked or like their backs up against the wall, you're probably not going to get much comfort or reassurance from their emotional response.
0:11:54.89 → 0:13:04.96
And so while you might not proceed with pushing it in terms of outwardly discussing it internally, it's unlikely that you've gotten the relief that you were looking for and then you tend to escalate internally until you next erupt with some other fear driven response. So I think that that's how it can often play out in that anxious avoidant dynamic is you've got hypersensitivity coupled with hypersensitivity to one thing, coupled with hypersensitivity to another. And as always, they kind of click together like puzzle pieces that can really set each other off and exacerbate the other's insecurity, rather than allowing you to build a bridge and come together and find something that is mutually loving, respectful, supportive, of both of your needs. So all of that being said, I did say that I'd speak to this idea of where jealousy is unfounded. And the reason that I want to call that out is because sometimes people are really hard on themselves for being jealous when jealousy is the natural consequence of a breach of trust in the relationship that has happened previously.
0:13:05.10 → 0:14:19.12
I've spoken about this in the context of infidelity and how to rebuild trust after infidelity. But I think that if you experience jealousy and that flows from a past experience whereby your partner has breached trust in a circumstance that looks similar to the one that you're in now. So if we return to the attractive colleague example, if your partner has previously crossed a line with a colleague in a way that was a breach of trust in your relationship, and then there's a new colleague and they're insisting that there's nothing untoward going on, that it looks and feels similar to you, even if there is nothing untoward going on. I think the person on the receiving end of that probably has to give you a little bit more latitude, a little bit more scope and grace, because your jealousy is the natural consequence of their wrongdoing in the past. So that's not something to overly focus on because as I said, I think ideally we want to be sharing and validating a partner's jealousy, or at least be creating a safe space to bring that to the relationship, irrespective of whether it's founded or not.
0:14:19.57 → 0:15:02.85
Because I think ultimately we want to be in relationships where we are a safe recipient for our partner to bring whatever they're experiencing and particularly where our conduct is causing them to experience some sort of inner turmoil or insecurity. Very little is gained from bottling that up and making it our problem to solve rather than bringing it to the arena of the relationship when it is ultimately a relational issue. Now, there are better ways to do that and worse ways to do that. As always, I really recommend that to the extent you're struggling with jealousy and you want to bring it to your partner, you don't want to frame it as an accusation. You don't want to say, I'm jealous because you're doing this bad thing, or anyone would be jealous in my situation.
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And why can't you see that? What's wrong with you? Anything like that is immediately going to put someone on the defensive and you're not going to get what you want in terms of having them really hear you and be available to empathise and validate because they're going to be too staunchly in defensive mode and fair enough. So the way that we want to do it is, as always, bringing a combination of self responsibility and honesty and openness and respect. So I think that's really how you deliver it in a way that allows you to come closer into connection as a result of that vulnerability and that openness.
0:15:44.69 → 0:16:44.80
And so sharing that and saying, I find myself feeling really jealous of this, can we talk about it? I recognise that this might be some of my stuff because I know that I've struggled with jealousy in the past, or I know that I've got some of my unworthiness stuff still to deal with and that that can lead me to feel really threatened by people that I feel intimidated by or that I feel are whatever threatening to me in some way because I really envy them or admire them. So I know that this is my stuff. And at the same time, here's how you could support me to feel safe and reassured and comforted within our relationship. Recognising that it's ultimately in both of our best interests for us to be protecting the primacy of our relationship, rather than letting these extraneous things get in the way of that and fester in a way that ultimately erodes the bond between us.
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You might recall an episode I did recently with Stan Tatkin, who is a superstar in this space. He's written many books and developed his own couple's therapy modality. But Stan has this concept of thirds, and a third is anything that threatens the primacy of the couple relationship. Obviously this is talking about monogamous relationships, but a third could be a person, it could be a child, it could be work, it could be social media. It's basically like anything outside of the relationship that one or both partners feel is threatening to the primacy of the connection.
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And Stan in his work, really emphasises the absolute paramount importance of being pretty proactive about dealing with thirds as they arise, rather than letting them fester because they really can erode the relationship over time and jealousy can turn into resentment and disconnection and all sorts of other things. Whereas if we just deal with them as they arise and we call them out and we bring them to the other person and we have enough of a safe agreement between us that we are going to be a safe landing ground for those fears and those concerns, then that really allows us to approach these issues in a way that is not accusatory and it's not a source of disconnection. It actually brings us closer together because I think to be able to bring to someone your vulnerability and doing it in a self responsible way, that's really a loving thing to do because it's in support of the relationship's long term health and well being. So I hope that that has been a helpful take on jealousy. As I said, jealousy is so normal, it's not something to beat yourself up over.
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Maybe the last thing that I'll add just as I'm speaking now, that's occurred to me. If you're someone who really struggles with jealousy and this is more for my anxious attachers. And you know that you get kind of frenzied around it and you get into such an anxious spiral that it feels like you are possessed by the devil and you're being taken over, and you behave in all of these crazy ways that afterwards you're like, wow, what was that? And you feel a lot of shame. Again, you might be able to tell from my tone of voice that I have experience with that and I have been there.
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I think a really good idea is to call on a lot of those nervous system regulation tools that I've spoken about briefly on the podcast, but also that I teach very comprehensively in healing anxious attachment. Regulating first, rather than acting while fueled by that frenzied energy of extreme jealousy is a really good idea. So I think kind of bringing some stability and security to your body first, rather than just taking that feeling and letting it become like beer goggles, that makes everything feel extremely threatening and everything feels true and urgent and frantic, and you do feel possessed, like you have to act on it right then and there. And that can lead to behaviour that you really do regret afterwards, because it's probably not the most reasoned and rational approach. So definitely don't forget those nervous system regulation tools if you're someone who can get into that state of real panicked anxiety around jealousy.
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Okay? So I hope that that's been helpful. As always, super grateful if you can leave a review. As I said, make sure to jump on the waitlist for healing anxious attachment if that is something that you are interested in checking out in a couple of weeks time. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon.
0:20:26.26 → 0:20:46.98
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
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Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.