#135 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style (Part 1)
Today's episode is part one of a two-part series on 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. I'm going to be running through some of the less obvious expressions of the anxious attachment style, as well as the underlying drivers of these patterns.
Navigating Anxious Attachment: Understanding the 20 Traits (Part 1)
If someone asked you to list your most defining traits or characteristics, would you immediately think of how they relate to your relationships? Many of us might be surprised by how much our attachment style shapes the way we experience the world around us. In the latest episode of "On Attachment," we took a deep dive into the anxious attachment style and explored its 20 key traits.
Tethering Our Sense of Worth to Relationships
One of the key traits of the anxious attachment style is the tendency to tether our sense of worth and well-being to the status of our relationships. If things feel off in our relationships, it can feel like our whole world is crumbling. Our identity becomes closely intertwined with the state of our connections, making it hard to separate how we feel about ourselves from how we feel about our relationships.
Struggles with Separation Anxiety and Catastrophising
Anxious attachment often leads to struggles with separation anxiety. Even a moment of physical distance or being unable to reach our partners through communication can trigger overwhelming anxiety. A missed phone call might instantly lead to worst-case scenarios, causing significant distress.
Difficulty Believing in Our Own Value
Low self-worth is another common trait of anxious attachment. We often struggle to believe that our partners truly love and value us, especially when we don't see that value within ourselves. This lack of self-worth can give rise to deep-seated fears of abandonment and can significantly impact our relationships.
Comparison and Jealousy
Those with anxious attachment often find themselves easily threatened by others and comparing themselves to others. This jealousy and constant comparison are rooted in a deep-seated fear of not being enough, and this can lead to obsessively comparing ourselves to others and feeling threatened by potential "rivals."
Struggles with Needs and Boundaries
Boundaries and needs can become muddied for those with anxious attachment. Understanding our own needs and setting boundaries can be challenging, and even when we manage to voice them, the fear of being perceived as too much or unworthy of having needs can hold us back. Maintaining these boundaries can be equally difficult, often leading to self-judgment and shame when we struggle to uphold them.
The Struggle to Leave Unfulfilling Relationships
For those with anxious attachment, the idea of walking away from a relationship, even if it isn't working, can feel foreign. Overstaying in relationships that aren't meeting our needs becomes a common trend, as the fear of separation and the desire to fix the relationship from within dominate our decision-making.
The "Savior Complex" and Emotional Fixing
Many individuals with anxious attachment tend to be drawn to partners who need "fixing." This savior complex often stems from a desire to prove our worth by helping others, but it can also lead to imbalanced dynamics in relationships and prevent us from seeing partners as equals rather than projects.
Struggling to Define Our Identity Outside of Relationships
Finally, those with anxious attachment may struggle to define their identities outside of their relationships. Our entire sense of self can become entwined with our relational roles, making the concept of being outside a relationship daunting and unfamiliar.
The Need for Reassurance and Difficulty Believing It
Seeking regular reassurance from our partners is a common trait, but even when reassured, many of us struggle to believe it. This constant craving for external validation and difficulty internalising reassurance can put a strain on relationships and make it harder for us to manage our insecurities.
Relationships and the way we form and maintain connections with others are integral to our overall well-being and sense of self. These traits of anxious attachment, while challenging, can provide valuable insights into our inner workings and offer meaningful opportunities for growth and healing. In Part 2 of this series, we'll explore the remaining 10 traits of anxious attachment and delve deeper into how we can navigate these traits to build healthier, more secure relationships.
Understanding and recognising these traits is an important first step in the journey towards creating a more secure attachment style and building fulfilling, thriving relationships. Keep an eye out for part 2, where we'll continue this exploration and delve into the remaining traits of anxious attachment.
If you’ve resonated with some or all of these traits and are seeking support and guidance on your journey towards a more secure attachment style, consider exploring resources like Healing Anxious Attachment. Recognising where we are and where we want to be is the first step towards creating more fulfilling, nurturing relationships – both with others and with ourselves.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find that your sense of worth and well-being is often tied to the status of your relationships? How does this impact your overall well-being and identity?
Reflect on times when separation anxiety has affected your relationships. How has this affected your behavior and thoughts, and what strategies have you used to manage this anxiety?
Have you struggled with believing that your partner truly loves and values you? How has this impacted your relationship dynamic and your own self-worth?
Discuss your experiences with feeling threatened by others and comparing yourself to them. How have these tendencies impacted your relationships and your self-esteem?
Share instances when you've found it challenging to identify and assert your own needs and boundaries in a relationship. How has this impacted your well-being and the dynamics of the relationship?
Have you ever found yourself staying in a relationship despite it not working? What fears or insecurities were driving this decision, and how did it impact your overall happiness?
Reflect on times when you've felt drawn to people who seemed to need "fixing." How do you think this reflects your own sense of self-worth and the role you play in relationships?
Do you feel you have a clear sense of your identity outside of a relationship? How has the lack of this sense impacted your overall happiness and well-being?
Think about your tendencies to overgive and self-sacrifice in relationships. How does this impact your own well-being and the dynamics of your relationships?
How do you feel about seeking reassurance from your partner? How do your expectations around reassurance impact your self-reliance and the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 20 traits of the anxious attachment style. Now, this is almost a throwback because one of the first ever episodes I did almost 2 years ago was 5 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. And I haven't really done anything so foundational about anxious attachment since then. Obviously, there's been a lot of other episodes about, you various aspects of the anxious attachment experience. But I thought to revisit this for anyone who is a new listener or anyone who is wondering whether anxious attachment is really them, or maybe, you know, that anxious attachment is very much your experience, but you're interested to know some of the less obvious expressions of that attachment style and pattern. So 20 traits of the anxious attachment style is, what we're gonna be talking about today.
[00:01:20]:
I've actually decided to split this across 2 episodes because I think I'll ramble on for far too long if I'm trying to cover 20 in one episode. So this is part 1 of 20 traits of the anxious attachment style, and part 2 will follow in a couple of days' time. So before we dive into today's episode, a quick reminder that Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature program, is relaunching in less than a week's time for the 7th round, which is pretty amazing. I first launched it 2 years ago, almost to the day, actually. And it has really grown into something greater than what I could ever have imagined, since that first launch. Over 1500 students have been through this program, and it really is not only tried and tested, but received such beautiful feedback and it's something that I've poured, you know, so much of myself into, trying to distill down everything that I've learned and everything that I have been teaching to people around anxious attachment and the journey to becoming more secure within yourself and within your relationship. So it's a very comprehensive program. I would love to see you in there.
[00:02:28]:
It's the last round that I'm going to be running before I head off on maternity leave. So if you are interested in joining when doors open next week, you can jump on the wait list. Being on the wait list means that you get exclusive access to early bird pricing and also exclusive bonuses. So it's definitely worth doing, even if you don't end up joining. Give yourself the option if you're at all interested, and you can do that via the link in the show notes. Okay. So let's dive into these first 10 of 20 traits of the anxious attachment style. Now I should say, these are, you know, I sat down to prepare for this to write this out and it's very much off the top of my head.
[00:03:08]:
So this is not an exhaustive list. It's not a textbook list. These are things that I'm pulling from not only my own experience, but obviously having worked with so many thousands of people on this and hearing so many other people's stories, I know that these traits that I'm about to share are almost universal among those with anxious attachment patterns. So, you know, in no particular order am I sharing these. It's not exhaustive. If If you don't relate to every single one, that doesn't mean anything much. I'm really just sharing these for the purposes of cultivating insight and self awareness. Okay.
[00:03:43]:
So the first one is your sense of worth and well-being is tethered to the status of your relationship. So for anxiously attached people, there can be this sense of, my identity, my sense of being okay or not in the world is directly reflective of what how I'm feeling about my relationship or what's going on there. So if things feel okay with us, then I feel okay. If things feel anything other than okay with us, I'm probably gonna be, you know, a mess. I'm gonna be really consumed by whatever I perceive to be the problems in my relationship. So there is this sense of, like, inextricable link between how I feel about life, about myself, and how I'm feeling about you and our relationship. And it can be very, very hard to separate those things because the relationship is so fundamental, so essential to our not only our identity, but our sense of safety. So that first one, your sense of worth and well-being is tethered to the status of your relationship.
[00:04:43]:
And I should say as a little footnote to that, it often means that, you know, you're particularly vulnerable or susceptible to disturbance, when things aren't perfect in your relationship. So, you know, whereas even secure people obviously are affected by what's going on in their relationship. It's not a purely anxious attachment trait to be, you know, bothered or saddened by things not feeling great in your relationship. For anxiously attached people, it's kind of any and every bump in the road feels disproportionately distressing, and it's very hard to compartmentalize or delineate between different areas of life. You know, if the relationship's bad, everything's bad. Okay. The next one is you struggle with separation anxiety and you catastrophise if you can't reach your partner. So physical proximity and connection tends to be very reassuring for anxiously attached people.
[00:05:36]:
There can be this sense of, you know, if you're right here and next to me, I can see you and I can feel you, then I know that everything's okay. But as soon as I lose that, you know, having you next to me and knowing, that that little bit of uncertainty, that little bit of distance, that little bit of unknown, all of my anxiety fills that space. And I can go very quickly into feeling insecure, and particularly so if I can't reach you. So it might be one thing if, you know, your partner goes to the shops or, you know, goes to work or whatever and you know where they are. That might be okay. That might not be so triggering for you. But if you then call them and they don't answer, and then maybe you call a second time and they don't answer, it's likely that you're gonna go very quickly to a worst case scenario of either they're hiding something from me, they're avoiding me, or something terrible has happened to them. So we can recognize that separation anxiety is a big piece for anxious attachment, and that particularly in circumstances where you are unable to reach them or you feel like you can't reach them, that's likely to very quickly activate you, send you into dysregulation, and, you know, a lot of kind of anxious thoughts and feelings and and behaviors are likely to flow from that place.
[00:06:55]:
Okay. The next one is you struggle to believe that your partner really loves and values you. So this is really sad, really, when we think about it. But anxiously attached people do tend to harbor fairly low self worth. And so I can really struggle to feel an intrinsic sense of value, a sense that, you know, I I believe that my partner loves me. I believe that my partner cares about me. I believe that they see my value. When we don't see that for ourselves, it's very hard to believe that our partner sees that in us.
[00:07:26]:
And, you know, that's why such a big piece of the healing work for anxious attachment is building up our sense of self worth so that we don't put our partners on a pedestal and put ourselves, you know, down very low relative to them, because that tends to, I think, both be fueled by the fear of abandonment, but also, in turn, add fuel to that fire. Because we think that we are, you know, lacking in value or worth, then we are much more likely to fear abandonment, because we don't see why our partner would want to be with us. And that can lead to a whole host of other behaviors, thoughts, insecurities, as you can imagine, when we don't really trust that our partner wants to be with us and and really does value us and the relationship. Okay. Number 4 is kind of related to number 3, which is you feel easily threatened by others and compare yourself to others. So here we're talking about jealousy, outside threats to the relationship, and comparison, really, really common among people with anxious attachment. And again, it's related to that same seed of low self worth, this sense of, if I don't really see my value, then I'm very easily threatened by any and every one or thing outside of the relationship that I perceive as potentially taking you away from me or competing with me in some way. So there can be an almost obsessive tendency to compare ourselves, to scrutinize, to be on the lookout for danger, so to speak.
[00:08:59]:
You know, that might be colleagues or exes or friends of your partner. You see them all as very threatening, and you, you know, go through comparisons of how you stack up relative to them. And that might feel like something that you have to do, or you might have to, you know, change yourself, improve yourself, relative to them, try and emulate them so that you feel less threatened by them. You feel like they're less likely to know, pose a threat to the relationship, to take your partner away from you, that your partner's gonna, you know, fall in love with them and leave you. So we can see those same, you know, threads of fear of abandonment and jealousy and low self worth, are all interwoven into that one as well. Okay. The next one is you have a hard time with needs and boundaries. So anxiously attached people tend to struggle with needs and boundaries almost at every step of the way.
[00:09:53]:
So knowing what their needs and boundaries are, so actually identifying that. Oftentimes, we're so divorced from our own needs, our own boundaries. We just have learned to not really have needs or boundaries, or, you know, have kind of numbed ourselves to those because we're so accustomed to, you know, going with other people's needs or boundaries, deferring to other people's needs and boundaries and comfort and happiness, that we've actually convinced ourselves that we don't have any needs or boundaries outside of our partners, for example. You know, if they're happy, I'm happy. As long as their needs are taken care of and everything seems fine, then that's all I need. Of course, that's not true, but it can feel really true, and it can mean that we have a hard time actually knowing what our needs are separate from the needs of our partner. So there's this process of, you know, figuring out what our needs and boundaries are. What am I comfortable with? What do I need? What's important to me in a relationship? The next one next step being kind of voicing those needs and boundaries to a partner, which can be really intimidating.
[00:10:58]:
Again, that fear of abandonment, fear of being too much, fear of I'm not worthy or deserving of having needs. And I'm worried that if I take up too much space or if I voice a need, then I'll be perceived as difficult, and someone will leave me. All of those things can really challenge us when it comes to actually taking that step of voicing our needs and boundaries. And then I think the third piece here is following through on advocating for those needs and boundaries, on an ongoing basis or in the face of pushback. So one of the things that I hear from people all the time is that they judge themselves very harshly, and they feel a lot of shame about not upholding their boundaries. So they might, you know, state a boundary or they might voice something, advocate for themselves. But when it comes down to it, if that that need or that boundary is in competition with their relationship or their connection, then the connection will win out and they'll kind of collapse on their boundary just to hold on to the relationship. And, you know, that process of actually holding firm on something that you say is really vitally important to you in a relationship, is, you know, a big part of the growth as well and can be very challenging for many, most, I would say, anxiously attached people.
[00:12:16]:
Okay. The next one is you have a tendency to overstay in relationships that aren't working. Now I will put my hand up and say that I have been guilty of this more than once in my life. But it is a really, really common experience with anxious attachment. Again, because the primacy of connection is so, you know, it's so paramount to you to your sense of identity, safety, you know, just feeling okay in the world, it can be such a foreign concept to walk away from a relationship, even a relationship that's, like, clearly dysfunctional, not working, where you're not happy or your needs are not being met. You know, I often sort of jokingly say that for anxiously attached people, you could spend, like, you know, months or even years telling your partner how unhappy you are. But the idea of actually leaving seems, you know, like the absolute last resort. For anxiously attached people, the urge is you know, I I complain about the relationship.
[00:13:18]:
I I lament all of the things that are missing, but I do that because I wanna change it from the inside rather than walking away. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think that willingness to work on a relationship can be a really beautiful sign of commitment, But I think it has its shadow side, which is, you know, perhaps overstaying when the right thing to do might be to walk away, when we're really not getting anywhere, when we really are not happy or fulfilled. And I think overstaying when the writing's on the wall, because we're too afraid of stepping out into the void of being separate from that relationship, I think that can be one of the big struggles of people with anxious attachment. The next one, which is number 7, for anyone who's keeping count, you have a savior complex and are drawn to people who need fixing. So many anxiously attached people have, I would say, yeah, a heightened sense of emotional attunement and are really good at, you know, being empathically connected to others and really understanding people's pain, which is such a beautiful trait. It really is. I think it's what makes anxiously attached people, great friends and great partners.
[00:14:38]:
It's probably what makes me good at my job. Being able to see people and understand them and and really tune into their feelings. The the underbelly of this, we might say the shadow side, can show up as this savior complex, this sense of, because I feel like that's a way I can show value or be valuable, you know, to support you emotionally, to see your pain, to hold your pain, that I gravitate towards people who I see as needing, saving, helping, or fixing. So can often find yourself dating someone with, you know, a lot of unresolved issues or who, you know, has a lot of pain. And again, that's not to say that, you know, you shouldn't date people like that. And I think we all have our, our stuff, our baggage that we're all working through. But I do think we need to be mindful of the extent to which we are taking someone on as a project and we are making it our mission to change them and you know, how that might be tied up with our own sense of worth this sense of, you know, they'll change for me. They've been this way in the past.
[00:15:54]:
They've always struggled with this thing, but once I, you know, am able to show them my love and care for them and support them, that's gonna be the thing that, you know, triggers their metamorphosis into something else. And I think that that can be coming from a place within us of low self worth, again, common thread, and of feeling like, you you know, if I can do that, then I will have really proved myself. And like, then I'll know that I'm valuable, that I'm worthy, and this person won't leave me because they'll be so indebted to me, for having saved them. So, you know, as I said, while there's some beautiful things in there and, you know, wanting to support someone's growth, beautiful. Wanting to support someone's healing, great. Taking it upon yourself to be someone's, like, coach or therapist or saviour? Not so great and can get us stuck in some pretty imbalanced dynamics. So the savior complex is one to look out for. Okay.
[00:16:56]:
Number 8 is you don't really know who you are outside of a relationship. So, again, we've touched on this, this sense of my whole identity is handed over to the relationship, everything that I do, everything that I like or dislike, my preferences, my hobbies, the way that I spend my time, I kind of give over all of myself to the relationship. And so the idea of being outside of a relationship, being single, or the relationship ending, is very daunting to me because I've not got a clear sense of who I am if I'm not, you know, part of this unit. And so I think a really big part of the growth for anxiously attached people for that reason is actually diversifying their time and energy away from the relationship, not to an extreme degree. Obviously, it's perfectly fine and normal to wanna, do things with your partner and have shared experiences. But when we put all of our eggs in that basket, we tend to, again, have a bit of an imbalance and it makes us really vulnerable to, you know, what our first point was, which is if anything feels like it's off in the relationship, then our whole life feels like it's crumbling because our whole life sits in that bucket of the relationship. Whereas if we've got, you know, more things propping up our life, more like legs propping up the table, then it's likely to be less vulnerable and wobbly, and we're likely to have more of a sense of resilience. Okay.
[00:18:24]:
Number 9 is you tend towards overgiving and excessive self sacrifice. So most anxiously attached people are givers. Right? And as much as we can complain, I think this is one of the ones where we have to be, like, so brutally honest with ourselves about ourselves, and I'll be the first to put my hand up. We can complain that, like, oh, I'm always the one giving or thinking about you or caring for you or supporting you. And yet we're not very good at asking for support or receiving it when it is given to us. Because I think receiving is actually a very, very vulnerable thing to do, particularly when you are accustomed to being the giver. So there can be this sense of giving and giving and giving either to make ourselves, you know, again, more valuable, more indispensable to someone. If I take care of you, if I attend to all of your needs, you know, if I do everything for you, then you won't want to live without me because I make your life so much easier.
[00:19:22]:
And if you don't want to live without me, then I'm not going to lose you. So there can be some comfort derived from that dynamic, even when we might complain about that dynamic and, you know, the lack of reciprocity that exists there. So being mindful of that, and if you notice that within yourself, again, like there's pieces to it. It's, do I need to pull back on my giving and do I need to practice like, asking and receiving, so that it feels like there's more mutuality and reciprocity in the relationship? Okay. And number 10 is you require a lot of reassurance from your partner, but you struggle to believe it. So anxiously attached people can often try and manage their fears and insecurities by seeking, you know, very regular ongoing reassurance from their partner. And while, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking reassurance from time to time, there can be a sense of, like, there'll never be enough reassurance to really soothe that wound. If you're expecting your partner to make it all okay, you know, every time you're feeling insecure, every time you're feeling anxious, you're relying on your partner to make that feeling go away, and needing them to kind of talk you off the ledge.
[00:20:37]:
I don't know about you, but in my experience, that tends to be a very, very temporary fix. And it doesn't actually get to the heart of what is causing that insecurity to come up again and again and again. So while it can be a really beautiful thing in a relationship for a partner to participate in your healing by giving that reassurance, we do have to be mindful of our expectations around that and, what we're hoping our partner's gonna be able to do for us, and what their role is in our growth and healing, in terms of convincing us that everything's okay and that they love us even though, you know, nothing's really happened. We've just got these ongoing fears that are really rampant within us. So finding the balance there between, you know, what's my work to do? What's my stuff to tend to, and what's a kind of reasonable and healthy role for my partner to play in that, is a big part of the work as well. Okay. So that was points 1 to 10. I'm gonna pause there.
[00:21:42]:
And as I said, we'll have part 2, which is points 11 to 20, traits of the anxious attachment style. I'm gonna release that in a couple of days' time. So I hope that you really enjoyed this. I hope that it's, you know, dug a little deeper than just the, you know, typical listicles that you might see around traits of the anxious attachment style, giving a little more insight into, like, what sits underneath those and what drives them. And as I said, if you resonate with some or most of these or maybe all of them, definitely jump on the wait list for healing, anxious attachment. I would love to be able to support you as you work on these things, as you do some unlearning and some relearning of new ways. So definitely jump on the wait list if you're interested. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again in a few days' time with part 2.Thanks, guys.
[00:22:35]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie_ _rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, anxious attachment, relationship, insecurity, self awareness, traits, anxious attachment style, guidance, knowledge, practical tools, emotional needs, boundaries, separation anxiety, jealousy, saviour complex, overgiving, self-sacrifice, reassurance, identity, worth, well-being, emotional attunement, validation, maturation, self growth, value, anxiously attached, secure relationships, healing, emotional support, relationship coach
#133 4 Common Misconceptions About Avoidant Attachment
In this week's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're exploring some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is frequently misunderstood and misrepresented in a lot of online content, and it's so important to me to dispel some of those portrayals and offer something more humanising and more honest about what's going on for avoidant folks.
In this week's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're exploring some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is frequently misunderstood and misrepresented in a lot of online content, and it's so important to me to dispel some of those portrayals and offer something more humanising and more honest about what's going on for avoidant folks.
We cover misconceptions around:
Avoidant people not wanting to be in relationships
Avoidant people only caring about themselves
Avoidant people never experiencing anxiety in their relationships
Avoidant people being unable to change
Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Compassion for the Misunderstood
Attachment styles profoundly influence our interpersonal relationships, acting as blueprints for how we relate to others, particularly in times of stress or emotional need. Of these, avoidant attachment often faces widespread misconceptions that can lead to misunderstandings in personal relationships and the advice offered to those who identify with this attachment style. This discussion seeks to unravel these misconceptions, fostering a better understanding of avoidant attachment and promoting supportive relationships.
Debunking Misconceptions About Avoidance in Relationships
The belief that individuals with an avoidant attachment style have an across-the-board aversion to relationships is a common misconception. Far from being universally true, many people with this style do engage in relationships. However, they may struggle with achieving the right balance between intimacy and their inherent need for independence. It isn't a matter of not wanting a relationship; it's about navigating the complexities of intimacy and maintaining a comfortable level of emotional space.
The myth that avoidant partners never change is another unfounded trope that can hinder relationship growth. People are not static; they evolve and adapt through experiences and personal reflection. Resisting the impulse to impose change on a partner and instead fostering an atmosphere of support and understanding can facilitate organic growth and relationship satisfaction for both parties.
Navigating Personal Space and Emotional Regulation
A pressing challenge for individuals with avoidant tendencies is managing their emotional landscape within the precincts of a close relationship. They are often adept at self-regulation when on their own but may struggle to process and communicate their emotions in tandem with a partner. Establishing personal space that respects both partners' boundaries is key to creating a sustainable, fulfilling relationship dynamic.
Mislabeling as 'Selfish' or 'Uncaring'
Labels such as 'selfish' or 'uncaring' are frequently, and often unfairly, attributed to those with an avoidant attachment style. The truth behind the façade of indifference is usually more complex – assuredly not a lack of care, but perhaps a struggle in expressing it. Patience and empathy from a partner can help bridge the gap between misunderstood actions and the true intentions behind them.
The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic
Heightened sensitivities arise in relationships that mix anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Here, the anxious partner's need for validation and approval can clash with the avoidant person's instinct to withdraw for self-preservation, feeling underappreciated. Recognising and addressing these differing needs and reactions can lead to more harmonious and supportive partnerships.
Internal Anxiety and Overthinking
Although not always outwardly apparent, individuals with avoidant attachment can experience significant internal anxiety. This can manifest in overthinking and anticipating the worst-case scenarios. Identifying and soothing these internal dialogues is crucial for avoidant individuals to feel secure in a relationship.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Patterns
Even within the spectrum of avoidant attachment, there are variances such as the fearful avoidant type. Here, a fear of becoming too dependent can often lead to an individual exhibiting anxious attachment patterns, especially during periods of relationship upheaval like breakups. Learning to navigate these intense emotions is vital for maintaining inner peace and relationship stability.
Encouraging Self-awareness and Trust
Developing self-awareness and trust is an imperative step for those grappling with avoidant attachment. Understanding one's own attachment style, triggers, and responses can significantly improve relational dynamics and lead to more secure attachments.
Balancing Vulnerability and Control
For an avoidant individual, the need to balance vulnerability with a sense of control is paramount. Engaging in open and honest communication about fundamental attachment needs can help avoidant partners feel more at ease with vulnerability, ultimately contributing to a deeper and more secure connection.
Fostering a Supportive and Loving Environment
The foundation of any meaningful relationship change lies in fostering a loving and supportive environment. For those with avoidant attachment, such an environment can encourage self-disclosure and connectivity without the fear of judgement or loss of autonomy.
Finding the Path to Growth
Underlining the discussion is the philosophy that a one-size-fits-all approach to attachment and personal change is unrealistic. Acknowledging that each person's journey towards growth is unique allows for a more nuanced and compassionate perspective on relationships. Partners of those with avoidant attachment styles can empower change by nurturing an empathetic space that respects each person's pacing and process of transformation.
In conclusion, while avoidant attachment is often veiled in misconceptions, taking the time to dissect and dispel these myths can lead to healthier, more resilient relationships. Through understanding, patience, and mutual support, it is possible to navigate these waters together, allowing both partners to thrive within their attachment paradigms.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your understanding of avoidant attachment - prior to this episode, did you hold any of the common misconceptions about avoidant individuals, such as the belief that they cannot change or do not desire relationships? How has your perspective shifted after listening to Stephanie and Joel's discussion?
Consider the idea of needing personal space within a relationship. Have you ever felt conflicted between wanting intimacy and needing your own space? How do you navigate these feelings without sending mixed signals to your partner?
In the context of your own relationships, how do you balance vulnerability with maintaining a sense of control? Can you think of instances where you have successfully managed this balance, and what did that look like for you and your partner?
Joel talked about his personal struggle with expressing care. Can you relate to the challenge of showing affection or care in a way that feels authentic to you? How might this tie in with your attachment style?
The anxious-avoidant dynamic can often lead to a cycle of withdrawal and pursuit in relationships. Have you experienced this pattern before, and how did it affect your relationship? What steps did you take, or could you take in the future, to break the cycle?
Stephanie and Joel emphasise the importance of a supportive and loving environment for organic change within a relationship. Reflect on your past or current relationships – what does a supportive environment look like for you, and how does it contribute to personal and mutual growth?
Avoidant attachment can involve an internal sense of anxiety that isn't always expressed openly. Think about a time you might have overthought a situation or scenario with a partner to the point of worst-case thinking. How did you handle this internal turmoil, and what did it reveal about your attachment needs?
The episode discusses the misconception that avoidant people are selfish or uncaring. Have you ever been quick to judge a partner's behaviour as selfish without considering their attachment style? How can you approach such situations with more empathy in the future?
Joel shares that being labelled as never able to change can lead to resistance. Reflect on how labels and expectations have influenced your own behaviour or personal growth. What might be the impact of releasing these expectations, both for yourself and your relationships?
Stephanie has mentioned the upcoming changes with her maternity leave and program offerings. Reflecting on transitions and periods of change in your own life, how do you prepare for such times? What changes have you observed in your attachment patterns during significant life transitions?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie [00:00:27]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Now today's episode is a little bit special because I'm recording live from Bangkok of all places, and I'm joined by my partner, Joel. Hi, Joel.
Joel [00:00:49]:
Hi, guys.
Stephanie [00:00:51]:
So it's a bit of a funny story. I'm gonna expose how disorganised I am in telling the truth here, but we are on a holiday, and I didn't get around to recording a podcast episode before I left. So packed my podcast mic along with my laptop with a view to recording an episode for you from our hotel in Bangkok. And lo and behold, unbeknownst to us, our hotel in Bangkok has a podcast recording studio, which is just extremely unlikely, but, very opportune. So we are sitting here in a fully fledged podcast recording studio in our hotel in Bangkok, and we're gonna be talking all about some misconceptions about avoided attachment. So as you would know, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, it's really important to me to rebalance the scales, I suppose, insofar as, you know, understanding avoidant attachment and extending a level of curiosity and compassion to that experience. Obviously, most of my work is around anxious attachment, but I think that it would be fair to say so much of the content all over the Internet and everywhere else is often centered on the anxious attachment experience. And to the extent that it talks about avoidant attachment, it's usually with a view to either demonising or trying to change your avoidant partner so that you feel better about the relationship.
Stephanie [00:02:16]:
And if you're familiar with my philosophy, notwithstanding the fact that I'm definitely, you know, have learned more anxious and have struggled with anxious avoidant dynamics in my relationship. I don't think that that approach in fact, I know that that approach of just looking for someone to blame and looking to explain away all of the problems of your relationship via, you know, what's wrong with your partner and what you can do about that tends not to be very fruitful, and it tends to actually keep you really stuck in places that are very disempowering. So it's always important to me to give a little more context to avoid detachment, to invite people to pause and to get curious and to step outside the self centeredness. And I say that, you know, descriptively rather than critically. But I think when we're in fear or we're in stress, we are naturally self centered. All of us, we are going to be focused on our experiences. That's what we know so deeply. But to step outside that self centeredness and really get to know what's going on for our partners, for the people we're in relationship with rather than designating that as wrong and trying to change it as our way of creating safety for ourselves.
Stephanie [00:03:34]:
So so what we're gonna be talking about today, some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment, so that you can maybe have a little more understanding, and just more depth of awareness, which I think is always a beautiful thing to be cultivating in your relationship. Now before we dive into that, a quick announcement that healing anxious attachment, which many of you will know is my signature program, is coming back soon. So in a few weeks' time, we're gonna be relaunching what will be the 7th cohort of the course, which is pretty cool. There are already a few hundred people on the wait list, which is amazing to see. I'm always so honored and humbled by the interest in this program. And this next round will be a particularly special one because it'll be the last one that I'll be running before I, check out for maternity leave for a good few months at least. So I don't know when the next round of the program will be, likely sometime later in the year. But no current plans for that as I will be playing it by ear a little with a new baby.
Stephanie [00:04:36]:
So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're interested in a program that's very comprehensive, that's been tried and tested by over 1500 people over the past 2 years, I would love for you to jump on the wait list via the link in the show notes or directly on my website, and doing so will guarantee you a spot in the program and also exclusive early bird discounts. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around common misconceptions about avoiding And I should have said in the introduction, Joel is not just sitting here next to me for the fun of it. He's here to weigh in and offer the perspective of someone who has more avoidant patterns. And, you know, while I've said many times before, and I'll say again here, that it's not like every avoidant person is the same. So it's not like Joel Joel can speak to, you know, the inner workings of the avoidant mind in a very generic and universal sense. But I think it is helpful, and I know from feedback from previous episodes where Joel's been involved, that it is really helpful to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak, rather than just hearing it coming from me who is more an observer of that experience rather than in the driver's seat of it. So with that being said, the first misconception that we wanna talk about is that avoiding people have an aversion to relationships generally or don't want to be in relationships, that they are, you know, that they avoid relationships altogether.
Stephanie [00:06:12]:
I think that's a common one, I think, just because of the name avoidant. There's this sense of, like, avoidant people don't want to be in relationships, and I see that so much on, like, in comment sections, on Instagram, on YouTube. People say really blunt things like, well, well, if they don't wanna be in relationships, they should just go and live alone and die or something, you know, very kind of petulant and and ill thought through. But I think there is that sense of, like, well, if you don't wanna be in relationship, then why do you go around being in relationship? And I think that that just really misses what's happening when it comes to avoidant attachment. It's not so much an aversion to relationships. Right? And and many, I would say most people with avoidant patterns, remember we're talking about, like, up to 25% of the population here, maybe even more. Of course, most of those people seek out and are in relationships.
Stephanie[00:07:13]:
So it's really much more nuanced than just, oh, you don't like relationships. You don't like intimacy. You don't want that for yourself. It it's more that being in those situations can bring up a lot of stuff. And as it can for anxious people, it just tends to be different stuff and provoke different protective responses. But just because of the the life experience that people with avoidant attachment have had. It can mean that certain things about being in relationship can activate stress for them and can cause stress, and that stress is dealt within a variety of ways that kind of fall under this banner of what we call avoidant attachment.
Joel [00:08:00]:
Yeah. I think I'll input here for the avoidance. Yeah. It is a a misconception to say that avoidants don't wanna be in relationships. People who don't wanna be in relationships, by choice, aren't in relationships, but you find many avoidants in relationships. The difficulty there is generally around intimacy and getting close because the way that there's you know, I have seek security in this world is to spend time with myself, spend time to gather my thoughts, to regulate my emotions, and I find it really challenging doing that with someone else. And it's something that I've really had to work on. It doesn't mean I didn't wanna be in a relationship. It's just that I was having a very hard time being in a relationship
Joel [00:08:51]:
Because I was yet to develop that self awareness and develop the tools and and it really came down to the trust and having a loving partner, that wasn't just going to judge me from the surface judge me on the surface level. I think it's a really easy thing, and I can completely understand if, those who have been in relationships where it hasn't ended well and it you can you may come across some literature on attachment and just gonna make sweeping generalizations to a large part of the population, but it's it's not as simple as that. And on the other side, it's it's really the same with anxious attachment. You know, we don't wanna make sweeping generalizations for every individual. But I can say for sure that most people wanna be supported by other people, whether in a relationship, whether with family or friends. Some just find it more difficult.
Stephanie [00:09:57]:
Yeah. I think that, you know, ultimately and and the whole body of work around attachment is predicated on the notion that, like, we all have these fundamental attachment needs to be to love and be loved, to be cared for, you you know, to be seen, to be understood, to be validated, to feel like we belong. It's just that depending on the experiences that we've had and the patterns that we've developed, certain aspects of that can be harder to trust. And, you know, I think that it it is for avoidant folks. It's just like, I don't know how to simultaneously feel, and I know this is true for you, Joel. I don't know how to be that vulnerable with someone and and be that seen by them and still feel in control.
Joel [00:10:43]:
Yep.
Stephanie [00:10:44]:
And so I think that when those two things feel like they're competing, like, my sense of being in control of my own safety and, like, knowing how to take care of myself the way I always have, and also being connected to you. If I don't know how to hold those things together, often, safety will trump connection. Mhmm. And, you know, that is, again, true for all of us. So all of that to say, it's not an aversion to the idea of relationships. And and, of course, avoidant folks want all of that as much as anyone else does in most cases, it's just that it can bring up challenges for them as it can for the rest of us, but it just looks a little different. Okay. The next misconception about avoidant attachment is avoiding people only care about themselves. So this one could have sub bullets under it, which is, you know, avoiding people are selfish, avoiding people are narcissists, avoiding people are know, cold, callous, all of those labels that we often see being.
Joel [00:11:45]:
I read all the comments.
Stephanie [00:11:47]:
Yeah. We read the comments.
Joel [00:11:48]:
It hurts.
Stephanie [00:11:49]:
Yeah. It it is. It's not that's not really nice. Right? And, again, we can understand that if you've formed those views that you've probably been hurt, and that's real. But to then take that and extrapolate and, you know, make it mean something about people at a really fundamental essential level, I think, again, misses misses the truth and misses the nuance of, you know, people are in pain and people are, you know if if we wanna use the word selfish, again, I mentioned this in the last point, I think if we're gonna call someone selfish for the ways in which they protect themselves, we have to acknowledge that we too are selfish in the way that we protect ourselves. It's just if you happen to be more anxious in your attachment patterns, your agenda looks different, and it looks relationally focused.
Joel [00:12:45]:
More empathetic.
Stephanie [00:12:46]:
Yes. But it's we can be honest, and I, you know, put my hand up and can see this within myself that it's, you know, sometimes that doting self sacrifice, you know, overgiving, self abandoning thing is just coming from a place of, again, trying to create some semblance of safety or control for yourself. And, you know, that is with the strings attached of of, you know, what you need rather than, you know, giving without an agenda. So I think that, you know, we need to acknowledge that stress makes us all selfish. And when we are in relationship and we have insecure attachment patterns, there's generally a lot of stress in the system of that relationship. And so looking at someone who's more avoidant and labeling them selfish or uncaring because their mode of self protection is to pull back or, you know, pull away, you know, kind of go to their island. Again, I think it's just not capturing the full picture. And, you know, Joel, again, I can throw to you here. I know that you care very much.
Joel [00:14:01]:
Very deeply.
Stephanie [00:14:03]:
Yeah. And and that as with anyone, again, to be told that you don't care or that you're uncaring can feel like a deep injustice. There's such an incongruence between your internal experience and how it's being received, and that can lead you to shut down further. Right? Yeah. Because it's like, why why bother trying when I'm just like my efforts aren't landing here. I care so much, and yet I'm being told I'm uncaring.
Joel [00:14:27]:
Yeah. What it feels like is when I there's 2 ways I can take, if someone says, like, I don't care. It's like my knee jerk reaction is like, you have no no idea how much I care. Yeah. But you're not understanding how I express it or you just wanna see it in the way that you care for the world. And I think that's the trap that a lot of us get into. We have these unfair expectations of the world to mimic the way that we want to operate.
Stephanie [00:15:02]:
Yeah. If it were me, I would do this thing. So the fact that you're not doing that thing means you must feel differently to me.
Joel [00:15:08]:
Yeah. We have these unspoken contracts with the world. I care so deeply, to the point where I, and I'm working on it, is I foster a lot of guilt that I am not empathetic, I'm selfish, and this was probably the hardest thing about the decision to have kids is I fundamentally thought that I would be too selfish, and I would have these conversations over and over again with mates who happen to be fathers and, you know, fathers that are are much older than me. And a lot of the feedback I got was, if you think this much about it, you're gonna be okay. You care. And it it's just the expression, which might seem unfavorable to a lot of people, the way that avoidance show their care or or lack to be able to express their care and communicate it. But I'm not gonna talk for everyone here, but I think the majority of people care. The majority of people really wanna be cared for, I think we just have a really hard time communicating it and communicating intimacy, communicating our needs.
Stephanie [00:16:35]:
Yeah. And I think that, you know, with that anxious avoidant dynamic, we can acknowledge that oftentimes, I've spoken about this in different contexts, anxious folks all kind of ask for something, and then they might get it, but it's not enough because they're wanting their partner to fill a void inside of, like, I just need more reassurance, and I need to test, and I need to probe, kind of moving the goalposts a little because there is this really deep insecurity there that they're hoping their partner can somehow make go away. And so I think if we can step outside of that and go on to the other side and recognize that when you are putting in effort, but those efforts aren't being seen and all you're getting in response or, you know, the bulk of what you're getting in response is feedback saying still not enough, still not enough. I think that can be pretty disheartening. Yep. And
Joel [00:17:34]:
Will have the opposite effect.
Stephanie [00:17:38]:
Yeah. Why bother? Yeah. And so I think that that can really lead to disengagement and withdrawal in someone who's more avoidant. Whereas, again, it's a point of divergence between anxious and avoidant people. I think anxious people, it's like challenge accepted. I'll just try harder and harder and harder and harder and harder to get your validation, to get your approval. It's almost like there's no ceiling to that. Whereas avoidant people are, I think, more likely to sort of throw in the towel and say, why should I bother doing this? I'm not being appreciated for it. I'm not being seen for it. You're always upset with me. This isn't kind of this isn't worth it almost, because it seems to just completely lack any kind of efficacy. It's it's just, like, not effective. Okay. So the next one is of when people don't experience anxiety about their relationships. I think this is a really kind of funny one. Right? We think anxious attachment, they kind of have a monopoly on anxiety as an emotion, as an experience.
Stephanie [00:18:44]:
But the reality is avoidant attachment involves a lot of anxiety. Yeah. It just tends to be anxiety that swells around internally rather than anxiety that is acted out. And it kind of, you know, flows on nicely from the previous point around what you were saying, Joel, of, like, how much you can just, like, ruminate over things and and worry and think about things almost, I would say, more than I do, probably a lot more than I do. You know, the tendency to focus on potential worst case scenarios and all of the things that could go wrong, a lot of those hallmarks of anxiety are very much alive in in you. And, you know, to be fair, you are more in the the fearful avoidant or disorganized camp, which we know is high on both anxiety and avoidance. So that makes sense.
Joel [00:19:37]:
Yes. Good fun.
Stephanie [00:19:39]:
Keeps it interesting. But, yeah, I think to suggest that, like, avoidant attachment is somehow, like, devoid of anxiety as an emotion is, really, very much a misconception. And there is a lot of that, you know, worry and overthinking and, you know, worst case scenario kind of mentality. And that can be again, it's sort of like the same seed, but it sends you in different directions because I think for avoidant folks, it's like, oh, all of this paralyzing anxiety, I should just leave the relationship or, like, this must be a problem with the relationship, so I'll distance myself from that because then I'll get to distance myself from those feelings.
Stephanie [00:20:23]:
Whereas for more anxious people, it's like, I feel all this anxiety about my relationship. I have to change it or solve it so that I can get away from these feelings. If I can change you, then I won't feel anxious anymore. Yeah. Whereas for avoidant folks, it's like if I leave the relationship, I won't be anxious anymore. If I can
Joel [00:20:40]:
If I'm just by myself.
Stephanie [00:20:41]:
Yeah. Then I get to be away from these feelings.
Joel [00:20:44]:
Yeah. I think, yeah, I think it's a really it comes down to I feel like we really need to change the branding of attachment styles. I I prefer the original, you know, disorganized. It's a little bit more flattering than avoidant because avoidant has pretty pretty bad rap of a it's a it's a negative word. You know, we avoid things because we're in fear of them or scared of them, and I don't think that's necessarily the case all the time, with both dismissive and fearful avoidance. But, yes, we experience anxiety just like everyone else everyone else except for our secure friends.
Stephanie [00:21:30]:
I think probably they even still experience anxiety. It's just not quite to the same degree.
Joel [00:21:34]:
But, yeah, as Steph said, I'm more likely to I say, I'm more likely 100% of the time. I'm going to internalize it first. And it's just the way that I've been able to, I guess, operate during my life in this world is to try and to understand my place in it and and what is safe and what is not. And I've always been a a deep thinker and overthinking and and and rumination, something that I'm still working through. At the moment, I'm working through this, more of the anxiety stuff, with a a therapist at the moment. But, yeah, I definitely experience all the anxiety, and it particularly comes up, and for a lot of fearful avoidants, when our relationship is is at its hardest times and especially through separation, you'll notice there is actually a lot of, like, anxious attachment patterns in fearful avoidance during breakups. Like, we can both completely be in denial, and maybe that will last for a few weeks, and then we have, like, a strong emotional pull and and morning, that is really, really deep, and we really go through this fear of, you know, I'm never gonna meet someone like that again. And it took so much effort for me to open up to someone else. Like, I don't know if I can do that again. It is. We have we have deep anxieties, but it may not be expressed in the way that is either optimal or favorable to other people.
Stephanie [00:23:34]:
Yeah. I think that, my observation of that through being in relationship with you is like that when you are feeling threatened in some way, it tends to be a more avoidant response. But if there's any, like, insecurity or fear about the future of the relationship or anything like that, that tends to bring out more of the the anxiety that is more typical of anxious attachment patterns. So, there's definitely a full spectrum of experience there. I think it's just really a reminder that even though it can look different, and and will tend to be internalized rather than acted out in more typical anxious attachment fashion. That doesn't mean that the underlying anxieties aren't there. And, you know, I would say, as I would say to anxious people, that, like, yeah, anxiety happens when we care a lot about something. And so it kinda goes back to the the previous point, but like, yeah, when when we're invested in something, when something's important to us, then it can bring up a lot of fear and worry and, you know, wanting to derisk and worrying about the worst case scenario. All of those things, I think, go hand in hand. Okay. The last one that we wanna share, misconception about avoidant attachment, is avoidant people never change.
Joel [00:24:57]:
We don't.
Stephanie [00:24:59]:
That's it. No. That one's actually true. No. Just kidding. Yeah. I think, again, like, sweeping generalization, right, avoiding people never change. I think there is some truth in the fact that for some avoidant people, particularly those with more dismissive patterns, there can be a pretty strong resistance to doing the work, so to speak, particularly in the manner that people with more anxious patterns might like to do it.
Stephanie [00:25:26]:
For example, listening to podcasts like this or doing a course or reading a book. You know, I, I had someone ask me on Instagram the other day about, you know, I'm doing all of this reading and that, and my partner's not doing any, and it's so unfair, and why should I be the one doing it all? And I I think it's a very common sentiment, and it's a common frustration. But at the same time, I think we have to recognize, as I've spoken about before, that, the work, so to speak, looks different for everyone. We can't reasonably impose our own, expectations of what that has to look like in someone else's process, and that will very reliably elicit more resistance and defensiveness in them. But in any event, to suggest that someone will never change, I kind of have a problem with that more broadly when people say, like, oh, people never change. You know? Like, I just that's so fundamentally at odds with my personal experience of myself and so many other people, I think we are all changing all the time.
Joel [00:26:38]:
Yeah.
Stephanie [00:26:39]:
But I think when you're saying like, oh, well, these people are never gonna change or is my partner gonna change? I think we have to get a little bit more curious about, like, is my partner like, can I accept my partner as they are while also wanting to be in a relational environment of growth and, you know, continued investment in ourselves and each other? Mhmm. But I think that's a very different proposition to, like, requiring someone to change as some sort of condition of being in the relationship, which, you know,tends not to work terribly well.
Joel [00:27:17]:
It's you have to hold you must have to hold 2 opposing ideas. Something's gotta change here, but also this person who's in front of me, I love. And those two things can coexist. Yeah. I find it also a little bit irritating, when I do hear this because it makes me assume that someone isn't changing at your pace, at your rate. And I can guarantee most people all the time are changing and they're learning, and it's we can't force feed people audiobooks or books. We can't force people to sit down and, quote, unquote, do the work. But if you're having honest conversations, if you really care for this person and you care about the relationship, I think it will change over time.
Stephanie [00:28:25]:
Yeah. I think it's it's all about and, you know, I talk about this so much. It's like change the environment of your relationship rather than trying to change your partner. And if you are doing your part to contribute to an overall relational environment that is characterized by love and care and support and acceptance, appreciation, generosity, all of the things that you want your relationship to be about. Just tend to the environment and trust it. Like things will grow better in a healthier environment rather than staying, swirling around in a really dysfunctional environment and wondering why nothing's growing there. It's like, really ask yourself, are the conditions that I am maybe not single handedly creating, but contributing to or perpetuating. Are those like conducive to growth? Do they inspire growth? Or is it like a high stress, high blame, you know, dysfunctional, disconnected relational landscape? And you know, can I really be surprised that growth isn't happening here? So I, I think it is really just about like, you know, people do change and grow Yeah and will continue.
Joel [00:29:45]:
Yeah. You've you've absolutely should have changed quite a bit. I I reflect on this a lot because, you know, as we're coming up to having a child, it's made me reflect really on how fast life comes at you and, you know, sudden sudden news or or life changes can really propel you into a different direction so quickly. And over reflecting in the last 3 to 4 years, I'm like, oh, I don't even if I was being honest with myself and I I look back on little entries or journal entries, and they might just be a few words or or a couple of lines, I'm like, oh, okay. I'm I'm I'm changing. And I like to look back, and I wanna my goal is to just laugh at myself and just or what like we were talking about today, just look back and just realize, like, how young you were. Like, how young was I a year ago? Like, how silly was I?
Stephanie [00:30:38]:
Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's true. I think, you know, in the course of our relationship past couple of years, we've both changed and grown.
Joel [00:30:48]:
And we've had to work on it.
Stephanie [00:30:49]:
Yeah. We've had to work on it a lot. So all of that to say, change is is always possible. I guess it's just, you know, if it's going to be like really inspired to grow, then we're going to be growing in the same direction, the way that's aligned. You really do need to tend to those environmental factors, tend to the conditions, tend to the climate of your relationship, and trust that whatever growth needs to happen will happen organically on those foundations, rather than like kind of having your hands around someone's neck or, you know, shaking them violently saying, why won't you change to suit me, because you're causing me pain at the moment? I don't think that that's that's tends not to be a very effective strategy. So those were some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. I might just quickly recap that because, gosh, we ramble on for a bit there. So the first one was avoiding people having aversion to relationships.
Stephanie [00:31:47]:
They don't want to be in relationships. Second one was avoiding people only care about themselves or selfish, narcissistic, all of those labels that we can slap on. The third was avoiding people don't experience anxiety about their relationships. And the 4th was that avoiding people never change or can't change. So I hope that that's been helpful. I hope it's given you a new perspective on some of those points, given you some insights about things that you maybe didn't quite appreciate or some some nuances there. And as we said at the start, if you are someone who is more anxious and you're wanting to work on that through the support of my program, definitely check out Healing Anxious Attachment, the wait list, which you can join via my website. I suppose I should probably add at the end as well given what we were talking about today and the fact that you're here, Joel.
Stephanie [00:32:38]:
We also have a couples course called Secure Together, which we created last year. So Joel is my co coach, I suppose, in that one and presents the avoidant side of the the street. And that's a really great course for for anxious avoidant couples to work through together, or if you're in a relationship and you wanna work through it just to understand your relationship and your partner better. And we've had some really beautiful feedback about that, particularly, you know, Joel's presence there and how for a lot of people's partners who were more avoidant that that really created a lot of safety for them and allowed them to feel, like, a lot less intimidated, I suppose, about the whole idea of sitting down and doing a couple's course, which we know might not be the most appealing invitation for some folks who do lean more avoidant. So you can also check out Secure Together if, you're in a relationship and wanting to work on some of the things we've talked about today. And, there's a discount code to save $200. So if you insert the code secure, you can save $200 on that course. Okay.
Stephanie [00:33:43]:
That's all from us today. We are signing off from Bangkok, and look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
Joel [00:33:50]:
Bye, guys.
Stephanie [00:33:53]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
accepting your partner, relationship growth, supportive environment, organic change, personal growth, impending parenthood, misconceptions about avoidant attachment, Healing Anxious Attachment program, Secure Together discount code, attachment styles, self-awareness in relationships, trust in relationships, fundamental attachment needs, vulnerability and control, selfishness in avoidant attachment, uncaring avoidant misconception, expressing care in relationships, anxious-avoidant dynamic, feeling unappreciated, validation and approval, withdraw in relationships, internal anxiety, overthinking in attachment, worst-case scenario mentality, fearful avoidant attachment, anxious attachment patterns, resistance to change, constant individual change, On Attachment podcast, intimacy and closeness struggles.