#88 The Anxious Dater's Guide: How to Remain Grounded in the Early Dating Phase
Is your anxiety getting the better of you in the early stages of dating? Well, take a deep breath and let's journey together through this episode where we unravel the common anxieties in early dating, particularly for those with an anxious attachment style.
Is your anxiety getting the better of you in the early stages of dating? Well, take a deep breath and let's journey together through this episode where we unravel the common anxieties in early dating, particularly for those with an anxious attachment style.
We'll delve into the raw aspects of why this period can trigger our deepest sensitivities and how we can make this an empowering voyage of self-discovery. From learning to stay grounded, boosting confidence, to finding joy in the dating process, this episode is a treasure trove of insights and advice.
This episode goes beyond mere dating advice. We'll explore:
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Why it's problematic to completely alter your life for someone you've just met, and how it impacts the budding relationship.
How to gain clarity about what you're looking for in a partner and a relationship, and how to articulate those needs effectively.
The importance of taking things slow.
How to get comfortable with the uncertainty that is inherent in the early dating phase.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:37.91
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about how to manage anxiety in early dating.
0:00:38.03 → 0:01:41.06
So this is a topic that is requested all the time. I know that a lot of my content usually tends towards relational stuff meaning navigating dynamics while you're actually in a relationship, but I recognise that for a lot of people that might not be the situation that you're in. And you're actually in that casual dating world and experiencing the ups and downs of anxious attachment or whatever other relational challenges that you have in the context of early dating and really looking for support in how to navigate. That process with more confidence, with more groundedness in a way that actually allows you to enjoy the process rather than feeling like it's just a source of stress and overwhelm and anxiety. So I'm going to be contextualising why anxiety can find us in that early dating process, why it can feel really stressful and overwhelming.
0:01:41.12 → 0:02:26.31
Why it can trigger some of our most tender parts and then also giving you some. Really practical and concrete tips on how to keep yourself grounded and how to hopefully maintain or build a sense of confidence within yourself so that you can be in that dating process from a place of more ease and enjoyment and all of those things that actually allow you to the most of it. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that Homecoming, which is my small group six month mastermind programme, kicks off next week and I still have, I think, one, maybe two spots left in the group.
0:02:26.35 → 0:03:14.85
It's a really small group, only ten people, and this is a programme for people who are wanting in depth coaching directly with me over a longer period of time. So it's weekly small group calls and we really go deep. So if you're looking to invest in high level support and really benefit from the community component, that comes with a nice small group, which I know for a lot of people is kind of intimidating as an idea. It's certainly intimidating for me to do anything in a group setting. But the more I do it, both as a participant and as a facilitator, the more I sing the praises of group work, because I think it acts as a real multiplier on our growth.
0:03:14.90 → 0:03:52.39
Because it really forces us into a level of vulnerability that most of us shy away from most of the time. So if you are wanting to work with me directly and you're wanting to invest in that long term high level support. Homecoming is a really beautiful option. The link to apply is in the show notes and as I said, we kick off next week, so if you're interested in that, don't delay. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is as someone with anxious attachment style, I feel both validated and challenged by Stephanie's work and appreciate the constant reminders to look inwards instead of trying to control others.
0:03:52.46 → 0:04:09.32
I look forward to every episode. Thanks from Canada. Thank you so much for that review, Greg from Canada. I'm so pleased that you've had that experience and I think what you say around looking inwards instead of trying to control others is really a huge part of the work. So I'm glad that that's what you've taken from the show.
0:04:09.45 → 0:04:42.79
If that was your review, please send an email to my team at podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around managing anxiety in early dating. Now, I think it's really important to start by saying that anxiety in early dating is really common and normal and is not in and of itself a problem to be solved. It's not a red flag. We don't have to freak out, we don't have to pathologize it.
0:04:42.94 → 0:05:38.76
I think that it is really understandable that we would feel a level of nervousness, anxiety, sometimes excitement, all of these different emotions and feelings when we're in that early dating process. I think that's true for most people. And then I think if we overlay the attachment stuff, on top of that for anxiously attached people, it's going to be particularly stress inducing to be in that in between space of early dating because it challenges all of your edges, right? Things like uncertainty, things like really wanting to be close to someone but not having control over that, wanting to be in a relationship, feeling insecure about how someone might feel about you, wondering if they're interested or not. All of these things are very much alive and present in that early dating process.
0:05:38.89 → 0:06:12.51
So I think that recognising that is an important starting point. Right. Anxiety thrives in uncertainty. We know that in every setting, the more uncertainty unpredictability there is, the more our anxious parts seek to protect us by going into overdrive, by overthinking, by analysing, by scrutinising. These are mechanisms that we have developed to protect ourselves when whatever the situation we're in feels unpredictable and therefore unsafe for us.
0:06:12.55 → 0:07:02.19
And again, when we have this attachment overlay, it acts like a multiplier effect on all of those things that are already there as a baseline. For us as humans, early dating is a time when we are likely to have less clarity and certainty and routine. We don't have the right or entitlement to dictate what someone else is doing, not that we really do later in a relationship necessarily either. But certainly in that early stage there is this sense of not being able to have full transparency over someone, fully accessing them, their inner world, what they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling. We haven't gotten to the stage where we're entitled to know those things and so there are going to be a lot of question marks, right?
0:07:02.39 → 0:07:23.98
Particularly so if it's very early and you've been on one date or you're messaging someone, you just have to be in this level of uncertainty and there's not a lot that you can do to bypass that or to fast track it or to get around it. Right? I think that the more excited we feel about someone, the more anxiety we have. Right? Again, this makes sense.
0:07:24.67 → 0:08:23.06
The stakes feel really high. I think that for those with an anxious attachment style the tendency to want to go from zero to 100 not only in actually attaching to someone very quickly and wanting to go very deep very quickly and build this very intense connection because, again, that feels safer than the in between space. But all of the fantasising of planning your future life together when you've just seen this person once or wanting to fill in all of the blanks with what could be and becoming very attached to the potential or the idea of someone all of those things can stimulate this. What almost feels like a roller coaster or an avalanche of excitement, anxiety. Again, recognising the fine line between those emotional experiences and the felt sense of those experiences.
0:08:23.17 → 0:09:15.15
Again, I think when we have more anxious attachment tendencies we tend to derive a lot of our self esteem and our self worth from whatever is happening outside of us and particularly in a relational sphere. So if I am going on a date with someone and I can get them to be really excited about me or get them to pursue me very actively, then that's going to feel not only exciting in the sense that it would for anyone. Because, again, I don't want to make this out to be some sort of anxious, attachment specific trope to feel good when someone's pursuing you. But when all of our self worth is existing outside of us, and we don't have much of an inner anchor on that, then we're putting all of our eggs in the basket of someone else and letting them determine whether or not we are worth anything. Right?
0:09:15.22 → 0:10:11.40
Whether or not we are attractive enough or smart enough or compelling enough or funny enough or whatever it might be, we are letting them be the sole arbiter of those things. And that is a pretty risky space to dwell in and to live in in this early dating process when realistically you don't know this person, they are a stranger to you. And we're giving this person, who we don't really know a lot of power over how we're feeling about ourselves at a pretty fundamental level. Okay, I think that all of that is compounded by the fact that anxiously attached people also tend to go all in very quickly. So even if on the surface the relationship is very much casual and isn't committed and maybe the other person still kind of taking it slow, you might be on the inside completely consumed by thinking about this person.
0:10:11.58 → 0:11:11.26
All you can do is cheque if they've messaged you a million times a day, cheque their social media, cheque this, cheque that. They're occupying so much real estate in your being that you are all of a sudden orbiting around them, your life has become about this person that you don't even know within a matter of days of first connecting with them. And I think that when we do that, we become very tunnel visioned and again, that can make us much more prone and susceptible to disappointment and hurt and pain if the relationship doesn't work right. We can really get very wobbly when we've only got one leg holding up the table. So recognising all of that and noticing those tendencies within yourself, I think that we can see, looking at that backdrop, why early dating can be such an anxiety inducing process for us.
0:11:11.36 → 0:12:00.54
So part of that is natural and part of that is exacerbated by our tendencies, particularly if you are someone who leans more towards anxious attachment and you do tend to go a million miles an hour and go all in very quickly and want to fast track that whole process. Now I want to offer you some tips on that. Recognising that that experience can be very destabilising and it makes sense why it would be. So I want to offer you some tips, things that you can do to create a little bit more balance to remain grounded or at least more grounded than you otherwise might be in that process. So the first tip I want to offer you is to get familiar with your personal warning signs.
0:12:00.60 → 0:12:45.68
Now, I don't want to be alarmist because I think that whenever we use language like warning signs or red flags and people can be very almost hyper vigilant about themselves, I always get people asking me like, oh no, is it a red flag if I feel excited about someone? I don't think we want to swing too far to the other extreme of being really militant about policing our own behaviour. But that being said, know yourself, right? And if you know that you're checking your phone 5 million times a day or you know that you're not wanting to make plans with friends because you want to be completely available in case this person reaches out to you or calls you or whatever, right, recognise those things and cheque in with yourself and go, okay, what's it costing me? Right?
0:12:45.73 → 0:13:14.90
What is it costing me to do this? Is that a road I want to go down and be more self responsible, right. We can observe ourselves and with that distance and perspective, we can hopefully create space for choice and go, okay, here's the thing I've always done, and I seem to be going down that road by default, which makes sense. We all do that unless we have conscious awareness and deliberate choice where we're going to do the thing we've always done. So recognise it.
0:13:14.92 → 0:13:46.10
What are my warning signs and what is the thing I'm going to do differently this time? What would it be like if I put my phone on aeroplane mode during the day when I'm at work and didn't cheque it a million times and just see? Right. Cultivating that relationship of self trust requires that you act in a self responsible way, rather than just playing out the same loops over and over again with the same painful or stress inducing or anxiety inducing consequences, right? That's not a very good way to build self trust.
0:13:46.79 → 0:14:13.23
The next tip that I want to offer you, which is sort of in the same vein, is set boundaries with yourself to support your well being. So if you know that your anxiety gets really bad around texting and being in this constant state of anticipation on, when am I next going to hear from them? Set boundaries for yourself, say, to someone in the morning. Like, if you exchange texts first thing in the morning, say, I've got a busy day at work today, let's talk tonight. Right?
0:14:13.30 → 0:14:57.87
So you have the bookend that will give you a level of comfort that you're going to have more contact with them later. But you're not in this constant state of being in a holding pattern, waiting all day, anticipating, because, again, that takes up a lot of energy and occupies way too much emotional real estate within you in a way that is not going to be healthy or conducive. So set boundaries with yourself to support your well being. Related to that is, keep up your routines and continue to have a life outside of this person. Again, particularly if this is very, very early dating, I think we need to zoom out a lot of the time and go, wow, look at me, dropping everything to make my life about this person and this connection.
0:14:57.97 → 0:15:13.93
That is not healthy, okay? It's really not healthy. It's not going to get you what you want. And if anything, to be very frank, it's not attractive to just drop everything and be completely available to someone that you've just met. Right.
0:15:14.05 → 0:16:10.88
I think that if you think about it, most people are attracted to the person who has stuff going on in their life, who's got friends, who's got work, who's got hobbies, who's got all of these other things, rather than the person who is kind of like a puppy dog panting at you, tugging at your sleeve or something, right? It's not actually energy that is supportive of a really thriving relationship dynamic, one that is based on desire and anticipation and longing. If you're just permanently available and deferring to whatever they want to do all the time, and don't worry about me. I'll do what you want to do, that kind of energy is not really attractive and I think actually robs you of the excitement of that early period where there is this level of mystery and longing and missing one another. So enjoy that.
0:16:10.93 → 0:16:35.66
And part of enjoying that is continue with all of your stuff, right? Don't drop everything to be available to this person all the time. If they want to see you, you will see each other. You don't have to be permanently available in order for that to happen. So keep going to the gym or keep going to social events that don't include this person.
0:16:36.03 → 0:17:02.86
Keep up with your life and allow them to fit into it and vice versa, rather than completely rearranging your life to accommodate someone that you've just met. Okay, the next tip is be clear in what you're looking for both within yourself. So be really honest with yourself. What am I looking for? It always amazes me how few people actually have clarity around what they're looking for in a relationship and in a partner.
0:17:03.00 → 0:17:33.40
I think particularly, again, if you tend towards anxious attachment, the sole criterion tends to be that someone is pursuing me and wants me because that feels so good to us. So I think that having a level of discernment that goes beyond that as the sole criterion is going to work in your favour, for obvious reasons. So get really clear what am I looking for in a bigger sense structurally in my life? Am I looking for a long term partner? Am I looking for someone to have a family with?
0:17:33.50 → 0:18:02.99
Am I looking for something casual? Know that for yourself and be really clear on it. Know what your deal breakers are, know what your non negotiables are, know what your values are, what are the things that are really important to you and a partner. Have clarity around that for yourself because otherwise you're just kind of treading water in high seas and grabbing onto anything that you might float past you along the way and say they'll do, right? So be discerning.
0:18:03.12 → 0:18:43.02
You're much more likely to have not only success in finding a partner who's a good fit for you, obviously, but you have a lot more self confidence when you actually know what you're looking for and you can comfortably say no to the things that aren't a fit. The corollary of that is be clear in what you're looking for as between you and whoever you are exploring a connection with. Now, this doesn't mean that you have to lay down the law on the first date and tell them, here's my five year plan. Do you fit into this? But equally, I don't think that you need to be cagey or dishonest around what you're looking for.
0:18:43.20 → 0:19:32.99
And I think the sooner that you can reveal any structural incompatibilities between you to the extent that those exist, the better off you are, right? Because it's just a waste of time. So be very direct around what you're looking for and trust that the people who are looking for the same thing are going to receive that positively rather than being freaked out by it or turned off by it. The next piece of advice that I want to give you is go slower than feels natural. So again, if you turn more towards anxious attachment, your impulse is going to be how quickly can I forge a really intense connection with this person that allows me to kind of sink my teeth in and establish a level of safety via proximity and control, right?
0:19:33.19 → 0:20:09.93
Being in that in between space where we don't really know what the relationship is yet feels very, very out of control for most people. And so all of your protective parts are going to be urging you to find a way to fast track whether that's by having very intense conversations or disclosures or expressing emotions or whatever other things might feel like a way to almost leapfrog over that in between stage of early dating. Your body and your being is going to be telling you to do that. And I get it. I have been historically terrible at taking this advice that I'm giving you now.
0:20:10.05 → 0:20:58.57
But nevertheless, I think it's really important and it's a massive growth edge for us as anxiously attached people. There's a lot of really fruitful personal work in this particular tip. So go slower than feels natural. Dwell in that space of the unknown and uncertainty, feel the discomfort of that and choose to build up your resilience and your capacity to be in that rather than to frantically try and find ways to opt out of that discomfort or to bypass it or to, as I said, to kind of leapfrog over it. So learn how to be in that in between space, go slower than feels natural and build up your tolerance level for discomfort in the process.
0:20:58.77 → 0:21:40.53
And last but not least, try and really soak up the excitement of this period without feeding the anxiety. Right? For a lot of us when we have excitement, it comes with a side of anxiety or stress because we don't trust that something good won't become something bad. We might have had experiences where we got excited about someone and then we got disappointed and that makes us very on guard or on alert for the fact that as soon as there's something good, something bad is going to follow. Soon thereafter we're going to get rejected by this person who is currently showing interest in us.
0:21:40.62 → 0:22:53.02
And as soon as we've got that other voice that's saying it isn't safe to just be excited, then anxiety takes over, right? That protective part is going to be stronger and louder than the part that feels optimistic and excited and that really robs us of the beauty of this experience, of getting to know someone or multiple people and being curious and being open and being playful and being flirtatious and all of those things that are a really beautiful part of that experience. We are denying ourselves of that opportunity when we go straight into anxiety and control and manipulation and how do I get myself a sense of safety here in a way that allows me to opt out of this discomfort? So try to play with can I just feel and enjoy the excitement of this experience without trying to grip it or hold on to it or ensure that I don't lose it? Can I actually just be present with the good stuff while it's here, rather than finding ways to let my fear tell me that it's not safe to just feel that positive stuff, to feel all the yummy good stuff in the dating process.
0:22:53.12 → 0:23:33.33
So try to experience that excitement without letting the anxiety cloud your vision and tell you that it's not safe to do so. Okay, so that was how to manage anxiety in early dating. I hope that that's been helpful in contextualising. Not only why it's totally understandable and normal, particularly if you tend more towards anxious attachment, that you would feel a lot of anxiety in early dating because it really is pushing a lot of those buttons around. Uncertainty, lack of control, validation, seeking people, pleasing unworthiness all of that stuff is really front and centre when we're in that early dating period.
0:23:33.43 → 0:24:27.23
So it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling anxiety and that all of your anxious parts would be on high alert and front and centre. But I'm hoping that with those tips, that gives you a bit more of an action plan on how to manage that for yourself, so that you can not only try and soothe the anxiety, but you can actually really stay connected to a sense of self and build that self trust and self worth in the process so that you can actually enjoy being in that dating process rather than feeling like it's just stressful all the time. Because for obvious reasons, that is going to rob you of all of the positives of dating and getting to know people and building connection. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm super grateful. For those of you who leave reviews and ratings, it really is the most helpful way to get the word out about the podcast.
0:24:27.65 → 0:24:44.44
Share it with the people in your life, share it on social media, all of those things are a huge help to me and I am so appreciative for all of you who tune in and who do share and review the podcast. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks guys.
0:24:47.05 → 0:25:09.10
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#65 Can a relationship between two anxiously attached people work?
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "Can a relationship between two anxiously attached people work?". I get variations of this question a lot - basically, why wouldn't anxious and avoidant people save themselves the trouble by sticking to their own kind? Well, as always, it's not quite that simple...
If you have an anxious attachment style, you’ve likely experienced the struggles of dating people with more avoidant attachment styles. You might find yourself constantly battling against differing needs and expectations around closeness and emotional intimacy. In contrast, anxiously attached people often crave a lot of time together, making the relationship a significant focus of their lives.
So, why don’t anxiously attached people just date each other? Wouldn’t it be easier to be with someone who has the same needs for connection, intimacy, and togetherness? It seems logical, but in reality, we rarely see anxious-anxious pairings. In this post, we’ll explore why this is the case, the dynamics that emerge when two anxiously attached people do come together, and why avoidant-avoidant relationships are also uncommon.
Why Opposites Attract in Relationships
For many people with anxious attachment, dating someone with avoidant tendencies feels familiar. While it’s not always easy, there’s a magnetic pull towards avoidant partners. This attraction often comes from our tendency to be drawn to people who possess traits that differ from our own.
An anxiously attached person who struggles with low self-worth and independence might find an avoidant partner’s independence, assertiveness, and confidence particularly appealing. On the flip side, an avoidant partner, who tends to suppress their emotional world, may be drawn to the emotional expressiveness and affection of someone with anxious attachment. This "opposites attract" dynamic plays a big role in why anxious and avoidant individuals often find themselves in relationships with each other.
The Rare Case of Anxious-Anxious Pairings
While it seems logical for two anxiously attached people to date, it rarely happens in practice. Even if it does, the dynamic often shifts over time. Here’s why:
Attraction to Avoidant Traits: As mentioned, anxiously attached individuals often feel a stronger attraction to people who possess qualities they themselves feel they lack, such as independence or emotional detachment. Therefore, they are less likely to be drawn to someone with the same anxious tendencies.
Emotional Saturation: In relationships where both partners are anxiously attached, the dynamic tends to recalibrate after some time. When both people want constant closeness, one partner may start feeling overwhelmed. The emotional intensity of the relationship can reach a point where one person begins to pull back, taking on a more avoidant role. It’s not that they suddenly become avoidant in a long-term sense, but within the context of this particular relationship, they may need to create space to balance the overwhelming closeness.
The Recalibration Effect: Relationships are dynamic systems, and partners often adjust to each other’s behaviors. In an anxious-anxious pairing, one person will usually lean towards avoidance to create a balance. When both people are "full throttle" with their emotional needs and demands for closeness, the relationship can feel unsustainable. As a result, one person pulls back, and the dynamic starts to resemble the anxious-avoidant pattern, but on a lesser scale.
Avoidant-Avoidant Relationships: Why They’re Uncommon
Just as anxious-anxious pairings are rare, avoidant-avoidant relationships are also uncommon. While it might seem like two avoidantly attached people would be an ideal match because they both value independence and emotional distance, these relationships often struggle to gain traction or deepen into emotional intimacy.
Lack of Emotional Glue: Avoidantly attached people typically find it difficult to connect deeply with their emotions and the emotions of others. In a relationship between two avoidants, this can lead to a lack of the emotional “glue” that bonds partners together. With both individuals keeping a distance, there’s little to anchor the relationship in terms of vulnerability or emotional closeness.
Difficulty with Commitment: Avoidant individuals often fear the vulnerability required for deep connection, which makes it hard to build and maintain a close, committed relationship. When both partners are avoidant, they might struggle to invest enough emotionally to keep the relationship alive, leading to stagnation or detachment over time.
The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic Emerges: Similar to anxious-anxious pairings, avoidant-avoidant relationships may shift over time. As the relationship progresses, one partner might become more anxious in response to the ongoing emotional distance. For example, one partner might begin to feel abandoned or lonely, triggering a need for more connection. As a result, they may start acting in ways that resemble anxious attachment, while the other partner remains or becomes even more avoidant. This creates a new, albeit milder, version of the anxious-avoidant dynamic.
Is the Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Doomed?
While anxious-avoidant relationships are often seen as challenging, they aren’t inherently doomed. With the right awareness, skills, and a commitment to growth, these relationships can be healing. However, both partners need to be willing to understand their attachment styles and work towards healthy communication and emotional connection.
Anxious-anxious and avoidant-avoidant pairings, while uncommon, often shift into more familiar dynamics over time, with one partner leaning towards the opposite attachment style. This recalibration helps balance the relationship, though it can also lead to challenges if both partners don’t have the tools to navigate these shifts.
While it might seem easier for anxiously attached people to date each other or for avoidantly attached people to pair up, the reality is that we’re often drawn to partners with opposing traits. The attraction between anxious and avoidant individuals stems from our deeper needs and desires. Relationships, whether between anxious, avoidant, or mixed attachment styles, require awareness, communication, and commitment to working through the inevitable challenges that arise.
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Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:40.76
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Um, hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A episode and I'm answering the question of can a relationship between two anxiously attached people work?
0:00:41.29 → 0:01:51.43
So this is a question that I get quite a lot and I'm going to answer that question and also the alternative version of that, which is kind of relationship between two avoided people work, or why don't avoidant people tend to date each other and anxious people tend to date each other. So I think this is something that many people wonder, perhaps when they are or have been in an anxious avoidant dynamic and they experience the struggle of that opposition, of feeling like they need to compromise so heavily on their needs and preferences because they are in partnership with someone who has opposing needs and preferences. And so the logical solution seems to be, why don't I just find someone with the same needs and preferences as me when it comes to all of those attachment patterns, and then everything will be resolved. We'll live happily ever after, two anxiouses, spending all of our time together, being obsessed with each other, both feet on the accelerator and the avoidance can go over there and be in their relationship where they have lots of space and peace among the lands. As you can probably tell from the way I'm talking about that, it's a little messier and more complicated.
0:01:51.56 → 0:02:33.06
And as is often the case, what makes logical sense often doesn't take into account the emotional layers that drive a lot of our behaviours when it comes to relationships. So I'm going to be speaking about that not only can these versions of relationship work, can these pairings work, but also why it is that they don't tend to happen that often, why it is that anxious and avoidant people tend to gravitate towards one another rather than sticking to their own kind. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first is a celebration.
0:02:33.12 → 0:03:04.42
I forgot to mention this on the show last week or the week before when it happened, but we recently crossed over a million downloads for the show in less than a year since starting the podcast. I think it's about a week or so until the podcast turns one. So to have crossed over a million downloads in less than a year is really incredible. And I'm just so grateful to all of you. Whether you're a new listener or you've been here since the start, I am so proud of this show and what it's become and continues to evolve into.
0:03:04.55 → 0:03:35.81
And none of that would be possible without your support. So to anyone who has listened or left a review or a rating, or shared it with someone in your life, or shared it on social media, I'm so immensely grateful and thankful for you and for your ongoing support. So from the bottom of my heart, sending you so much love and gratitude. The second quick announcement is just to share. If you listened to the episode earlier in the week, you may have heard me speak about my Homecoming Mastermind programme, which is now open for applications.
0:03:35.99 → 0:04:23.36
The next round of the programme starts in July, so it's still a little bit away, but I'm offering an early bird rate for those who sign up before the end of the month. And I've already had five or six amazing applications in the last couple of days, so it's already shaving up to be a beautiful collection of women. This is a six month programme with me. We meet every week on Zoom and we have a community channel between calls. So if you are looking to work with me intimately as well as forging beautiful connections with others who are on the same path, who are doing this work, who are showing up in the mess and being beautifully brave and courageous in facing all of the parts of us that are sometimes uncomfortable to face.
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I would love for you to apply the link to that is in the show notes. I realise that that probably is only relevant to a tiny fraction of you listening, as it is my highest level programme and it is a big commitment, so I won't speak too much more about it. But just if that feels like you and you're feeling the pull, you can find all of that via my website and I would love to receive your application. Finally, just to share today's featured review, which is I feel like I could indeed, I often do listen to these episodes on repeat. I feel like Steph is spot on with all of her explanations and I found myself nodding along, saying yes, yes to myself throughout the episodes.
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I also appreciate that Steph doesn't have black and white opinions on matters and allows space for us listeners to fill in the blanks. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I really appreciate the kind words. If that was yours, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around can a relationship between two anxiously attached people, or two avoidant people, for that matter, work?
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So I think it's important to say at the outset that in my view, any relationship in the abstract, in a hypothetical sense, can of course, work if we're willing to put in the work to make it so. So I would never be one to say, oh, no, that pairing will never work. I think that's just a bit blunt and unhelpful and untrue, right? There's so much individual variation and richness and messiness in between the lines of putting people into buckets and saying, oh, if you tend towards anxious attachment, you could never possibly be in a successful relationship with someone else of that same blueprint that just denies the immense complexity of all of us in our humanness. So I want to make that very clear at the outset.
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What I'm going to talk about today is not to deny the possibility of this working in any individual case, right? But what I do want to speak to is why is it that anxiously attached people don't tend to be attracted to one another? They don't tend to end up in relationship with each other. And likewise, neither do avoidant people for the most part tend to be in relationship with each other. So I think taking almost a spiritual or metaphysical lens on this, relationships and systems tend to find balance, right?
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We tend to find this yin and yang. There tends to be this equilibrium point where a relationship, it's that classic thing of opposites attract. And I think there is some truth in that. That two people who are very very similar in terms of all of their behaviours, their attachment wounds, their attachment drives, their origin stories tend not to be drawn to each other because our attachment behaviours develop in response to something, right? And what they develop in response to is what we almost grew around.
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So because we're used to growing around that and we've been shaped by what we experienced, we tend to it's like a puzzle piece. We're looking for someone who fits that piece that is missing in our puzzle that we learn to grow around. That's probably an imperfect metaphor or visual, but I'm hoping that's starting to make sense. So to take it out of the abstract, if I am anxiously attached, if I am, I'll actually use myself as an example here. What did I learn?
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I learned to be low maintenance, okay? I learned to be good. I learned not to cause a fuss. I learned to take care of other people really well. I learned to be very empathetic and attuned.
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I learned to be a great peacekeeper or a peacemaker. I learned to be a mediator in conflict, right? These are all of the skills that I learned in my family system. And so with those being my skills, that being my puzzle piece, the puzzle piece of me, I am likely to gravitate towards someone who I can use those skills and strategies with. Someone who might have higher needs than me, someone who might need stabilising or in my perception, right?
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Someone who I can take care of, someone who is higher maintenance or unavailable or whatever else. And I have to work hard to get their attention. I have to strive, I have to try and control the conditions of the environment in order to keep the ship afloat, all of these things, right? That is what I know, that is what I have been trained to do and that is what is familiar to me. So when we go out into the world as adults and we have these attachment wounds and the behaviours that grew from them, you can almost think of it as a seed.
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And then all of the branches on the tree become our behaviours, our strategies that we know so well, that have become part of who and how we move around the world. We're looking for someone that fits in with that, that clicks in with that. And if we've got two anxiously attached people, then we've got two people who want to be the caretaker, two people who want to be the people pleaser, two people who are wanting to suppress their needs to take care of someone else's, two people who are hyper vigilant and on high alert and monitoring everything, right? Without much to monitor because the other person's doing the same and is suppressing their own stuff. So there just tends not to be this subconscious drive of like, oh, that's where I can make myself useful, that's where I can slot into that system and know my place in it.
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So hopefully that's starting to give you a sense of why we tend not to gravitate towards someone with the same attachment style and pattern as us, because it doesn't tend to remind us of our initial blueprint of what love and connection looks and feels like. So with all of that being said, of course there will be circumstances where two anxiously attached people, or too avoidant leaning people, do end up in relationship with each other. But what tends to happen here and it comes back to this idea of we find our way to a balance point, right? It's unlikely that two people will stay at the same end of the spectrum when in relationship with each other because so much of this stuff is like call and response, right? It's so much of a dialogue, it's such a co created dynamic.
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And so what tends to happen is that, say two anxiously attached people are in a relationship, one person will likely be more anxiously attached, right? One person will be more paranoid, one person will be more clingy to use that word. One person will be more invested, one person will be more stressed out by any sort of distance or uncertainty, one person will require more reassurance. And what that tends to elicit in the other person, who might, in other circumstances lean more anxious. They will typically, again, I'm speaking in very general terms here, because I'm not going to tell you this is what will exactly happen in your relationship.
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What will typically happen is they will start to exhibit more avoidant behaviours, they'll start to push some of that away. When that anxious energy gets really extreme, they will start to pull back and they will start to withdraw. They'll start to become overwhelmed by the intensity of the other person's anxiety and so on and so forth. So it finds its way to what ends up looking something like an anxious avoidant dynamic, right? And again reminding ourselves that attachment styles aren't fixed, they really are responsive to relational dynamics and relational patterns.
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So it's entirely possible, and indeed not unlikely that too anxious people or too avoidant people are in relationship that you will start to exhibit more of an anxious avoidant dynamic, particularly in times of distress or relational tension or whatever else you'll find your way to aversion an expression of that dynamic and that pattern, even though you might have previously, in other relationships, both been more inclined towards one end of the spectrum or the other. And the same goes. People often ask me could a secure person become anxious if they were in relationship with someone who was extremely avoidant? Or could a secure person become avoidant if they were in relationship with someone who was extremely anxious? And the answer is yes, absolutely.
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Some behaviours extreme avoidance can create anxiety. Extreme inconsistency, extreme dishonesty or intermittent reinforcement can create anxiety in someone who is otherwise not really prone to anxious attachment. I think the only qualifier to that, and I'm going a little off topic, but just to clarify, is the difference with a secure person is they might be less inclined to get in those relationships in the first place, or to let them get to the point of that extreme where they're really suffering as a result. People who are really secure tend to be pretty good at advocating for themselves and setting boundaries and walking away from things that are unhealthy. But that doesn't change the fact that notionally, yes, you could be primarily secure and then notice yourself slipping into more insecure patterns one way or the other in response to someone's behaviour.
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I hope that that has answered the question to recap. Basically yes, a relationship between two anxiously attached people could work under the right conditions and the right people, but it tends not to happen very much of the time that they are attracted to each other in the first place. And if they are and do end up in a relationship, they will oftentimes find their way to more of an anxious avoidant, yin yang, opposites attract dynamic, which tends to keep the relationship in balance a little more, rather than both people being at one end of the spectrum or the other over the long term. If you've enjoyed this episode and found that helpful, please do leave a five star rating or a review if you're listening on Apple podcasts. As I said, it really does help so much.
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And thank you again for helping me reach over a million downloads. I'm so grateful for you and I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
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If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.