#88 The Anxious Dater's Guide: How to Remain Grounded in the Early Dating Phase
Is your anxiety getting the better of you in the early stages of dating? Well, take a deep breath and let's journey together through this episode where we unravel the common anxieties in early dating, particularly for those with an anxious attachment style.
We'll delve into the raw aspects of why this period can trigger our deepest sensitivities and how we can make this an empowering voyage of self-discovery. From learning to stay grounded, boosting confidence, to finding joy in the dating process, this episode is a treasure trove of insights and advice.
This episode goes beyond mere dating advice. We'll explore:
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Why it's problematic to completely alter your life for someone you've just met, and how it impacts the budding relationship.
How to gain clarity about what you're looking for in a partner and a relationship, and how to articulate those needs effectively.
The importance of taking things slow.
How to get comfortable with the uncertainty that is inherent in the early dating phase.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about how to manage anxiety in early dating.
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So this is a topic that is requested all the time. I know that a lot of my content usually tends towards relational stuff meaning navigating dynamics while you're actually in a relationship, but I recognise that for a lot of people that might not be the situation that you're in. And you're actually in that casual dating world and experiencing the ups and downs of anxious attachment or whatever other relational challenges that you have in the context of early dating and really looking for support in how to navigate. That process with more confidence, with more groundedness in a way that actually allows you to enjoy the process rather than feeling like it's just a source of stress and overwhelm and anxiety. So I'm going to be contextualising why anxiety can find us in that early dating process, why it can feel really stressful and overwhelming.
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Why it can trigger some of our most tender parts and then also giving you some. Really practical and concrete tips on how to keep yourself grounded and how to hopefully maintain or build a sense of confidence within yourself so that you can be in that dating process from a place of more ease and enjoyment and all of those things that actually allow you to the most of it. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that Homecoming, which is my small group six month mastermind programme, kicks off next week and I still have, I think, one, maybe two spots left in the group.
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It's a really small group, only ten people, and this is a programme for people who are wanting in depth coaching directly with me over a longer period of time. So it's weekly small group calls and we really go deep. So if you're looking to invest in high level support and really benefit from the community component, that comes with a nice small group, which I know for a lot of people is kind of intimidating as an idea. It's certainly intimidating for me to do anything in a group setting. But the more I do it, both as a participant and as a facilitator, the more I sing the praises of group work, because I think it acts as a real multiplier on our growth.
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Because it really forces us into a level of vulnerability that most of us shy away from most of the time. So if you are wanting to work with me directly and you're wanting to invest in that long term high level support. Homecoming is a really beautiful option. The link to apply is in the show notes and as I said, we kick off next week, so if you're interested in that, don't delay. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is as someone with anxious attachment style, I feel both validated and challenged by Stephanie's work and appreciate the constant reminders to look inwards instead of trying to control others.
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I look forward to every episode. Thanks from Canada. Thank you so much for that review, Greg from Canada. I'm so pleased that you've had that experience and I think what you say around looking inwards instead of trying to control others is really a huge part of the work. So I'm glad that that's what you've taken from the show.
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If that was your review, please send an email to my team at podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around managing anxiety in early dating. Now, I think it's really important to start by saying that anxiety in early dating is really common and normal and is not in and of itself a problem to be solved. It's not a red flag. We don't have to freak out, we don't have to pathologize it.
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I think that it is really understandable that we would feel a level of nervousness, anxiety, sometimes excitement, all of these different emotions and feelings when we're in that early dating process. I think that's true for most people. And then I think if we overlay the attachment stuff, on top of that for anxiously attached people, it's going to be particularly stress inducing to be in that in between space of early dating because it challenges all of your edges, right? Things like uncertainty, things like really wanting to be close to someone but not having control over that, wanting to be in a relationship, feeling insecure about how someone might feel about you, wondering if they're interested or not. All of these things are very much alive and present in that early dating process.
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So I think that recognising that is an important starting point. Right. Anxiety thrives in uncertainty. We know that in every setting, the more uncertainty unpredictability there is, the more our anxious parts seek to protect us by going into overdrive, by overthinking, by analysing, by scrutinising. These are mechanisms that we have developed to protect ourselves when whatever the situation we're in feels unpredictable and therefore unsafe for us.
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And again, when we have this attachment overlay, it acts like a multiplier effect on all of those things that are already there as a baseline. For us as humans, early dating is a time when we are likely to have less clarity and certainty and routine. We don't have the right or entitlement to dictate what someone else is doing, not that we really do later in a relationship necessarily either. But certainly in that early stage there is this sense of not being able to have full transparency over someone, fully accessing them, their inner world, what they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling. We haven't gotten to the stage where we're entitled to know those things and so there are going to be a lot of question marks, right?
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Particularly so if it's very early and you've been on one date or you're messaging someone, you just have to be in this level of uncertainty and there's not a lot that you can do to bypass that or to fast track it or to get around it. Right? I think that the more excited we feel about someone, the more anxiety we have. Right? Again, this makes sense.
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The stakes feel really high. I think that for those with an anxious attachment style the tendency to want to go from zero to 100 not only in actually attaching to someone very quickly and wanting to go very deep very quickly and build this very intense connection because, again, that feels safer than the in between space. But all of the fantasising of planning your future life together when you've just seen this person once or wanting to fill in all of the blanks with what could be and becoming very attached to the potential or the idea of someone all of those things can stimulate this. What almost feels like a roller coaster or an avalanche of excitement, anxiety. Again, recognising the fine line between those emotional experiences and the felt sense of those experiences.
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Again, I think when we have more anxious attachment tendencies we tend to derive a lot of our self esteem and our self worth from whatever is happening outside of us and particularly in a relational sphere. So if I am going on a date with someone and I can get them to be really excited about me or get them to pursue me very actively, then that's going to feel not only exciting in the sense that it would for anyone. Because, again, I don't want to make this out to be some sort of anxious, attachment specific trope to feel good when someone's pursuing you. But when all of our self worth is existing outside of us, and we don't have much of an inner anchor on that, then we're putting all of our eggs in the basket of someone else and letting them determine whether or not we are worth anything. Right?
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Whether or not we are attractive enough or smart enough or compelling enough or funny enough or whatever it might be, we are letting them be the sole arbiter of those things. And that is a pretty risky space to dwell in and to live in in this early dating process when realistically you don't know this person, they are a stranger to you. And we're giving this person, who we don't really know a lot of power over how we're feeling about ourselves at a pretty fundamental level. Okay, I think that all of that is compounded by the fact that anxiously attached people also tend to go all in very quickly. So even if on the surface the relationship is very much casual and isn't committed and maybe the other person still kind of taking it slow, you might be on the inside completely consumed by thinking about this person.
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All you can do is cheque if they've messaged you a million times a day, cheque their social media, cheque this, cheque that. They're occupying so much real estate in your being that you are all of a sudden orbiting around them, your life has become about this person that you don't even know within a matter of days of first connecting with them. And I think that when we do that, we become very tunnel visioned and again, that can make us much more prone and susceptible to disappointment and hurt and pain if the relationship doesn't work right. We can really get very wobbly when we've only got one leg holding up the table. So recognising all of that and noticing those tendencies within yourself, I think that we can see, looking at that backdrop, why early dating can be such an anxiety inducing process for us.
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So part of that is natural and part of that is exacerbated by our tendencies, particularly if you are someone who leans more towards anxious attachment and you do tend to go a million miles an hour and go all in very quickly and want to fast track that whole process. Now I want to offer you some tips on that. Recognising that that experience can be very destabilising and it makes sense why it would be. So I want to offer you some tips, things that you can do to create a little bit more balance to remain grounded or at least more grounded than you otherwise might be in that process. So the first tip I want to offer you is to get familiar with your personal warning signs.
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Now, I don't want to be alarmist because I think that whenever we use language like warning signs or red flags and people can be very almost hyper vigilant about themselves, I always get people asking me like, oh no, is it a red flag if I feel excited about someone? I don't think we want to swing too far to the other extreme of being really militant about policing our own behaviour. But that being said, know yourself, right? And if you know that you're checking your phone 5 million times a day or you know that you're not wanting to make plans with friends because you want to be completely available in case this person reaches out to you or calls you or whatever, right, recognise those things and cheque in with yourself and go, okay, what's it costing me? Right?
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What is it costing me to do this? Is that a road I want to go down and be more self responsible, right. We can observe ourselves and with that distance and perspective, we can hopefully create space for choice and go, okay, here's the thing I've always done, and I seem to be going down that road by default, which makes sense. We all do that unless we have conscious awareness and deliberate choice where we're going to do the thing we've always done. So recognise it.
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What are my warning signs and what is the thing I'm going to do differently this time? What would it be like if I put my phone on aeroplane mode during the day when I'm at work and didn't cheque it a million times and just see? Right. Cultivating that relationship of self trust requires that you act in a self responsible way, rather than just playing out the same loops over and over again with the same painful or stress inducing or anxiety inducing consequences, right? That's not a very good way to build self trust.
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The next tip that I want to offer you, which is sort of in the same vein, is set boundaries with yourself to support your well being. So if you know that your anxiety gets really bad around texting and being in this constant state of anticipation on, when am I next going to hear from them? Set boundaries for yourself, say, to someone in the morning. Like, if you exchange texts first thing in the morning, say, I've got a busy day at work today, let's talk tonight. Right?
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So you have the bookend that will give you a level of comfort that you're going to have more contact with them later. But you're not in this constant state of being in a holding pattern, waiting all day, anticipating, because, again, that takes up a lot of energy and occupies way too much emotional real estate within you in a way that is not going to be healthy or conducive. So set boundaries with yourself to support your well being. Related to that is, keep up your routines and continue to have a life outside of this person. Again, particularly if this is very, very early dating, I think we need to zoom out a lot of the time and go, wow, look at me, dropping everything to make my life about this person and this connection.
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That is not healthy, okay? It's really not healthy. It's not going to get you what you want. And if anything, to be very frank, it's not attractive to just drop everything and be completely available to someone that you've just met. Right.
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I think that if you think about it, most people are attracted to the person who has stuff going on in their life, who's got friends, who's got work, who's got hobbies, who's got all of these other things, rather than the person who is kind of like a puppy dog panting at you, tugging at your sleeve or something, right? It's not actually energy that is supportive of a really thriving relationship dynamic, one that is based on desire and anticipation and longing. If you're just permanently available and deferring to whatever they want to do all the time, and don't worry about me. I'll do what you want to do, that kind of energy is not really attractive and I think actually robs you of the excitement of that early period where there is this level of mystery and longing and missing one another. So enjoy that.
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And part of enjoying that is continue with all of your stuff, right? Don't drop everything to be available to this person all the time. If they want to see you, you will see each other. You don't have to be permanently available in order for that to happen. So keep going to the gym or keep going to social events that don't include this person.
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Keep up with your life and allow them to fit into it and vice versa, rather than completely rearranging your life to accommodate someone that you've just met. Okay, the next tip is be clear in what you're looking for both within yourself. So be really honest with yourself. What am I looking for? It always amazes me how few people actually have clarity around what they're looking for in a relationship and in a partner.
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I think particularly, again, if you tend towards anxious attachment, the sole criterion tends to be that someone is pursuing me and wants me because that feels so good to us. So I think that having a level of discernment that goes beyond that as the sole criterion is going to work in your favour, for obvious reasons. So get really clear what am I looking for in a bigger sense structurally in my life? Am I looking for a long term partner? Am I looking for someone to have a family with?
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Am I looking for something casual? Know that for yourself and be really clear on it. Know what your deal breakers are, know what your non negotiables are, know what your values are, what are the things that are really important to you and a partner. Have clarity around that for yourself because otherwise you're just kind of treading water in high seas and grabbing onto anything that you might float past you along the way and say they'll do, right? So be discerning.
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You're much more likely to have not only success in finding a partner who's a good fit for you, obviously, but you have a lot more self confidence when you actually know what you're looking for and you can comfortably say no to the things that aren't a fit. The corollary of that is be clear in what you're looking for as between you and whoever you are exploring a connection with. Now, this doesn't mean that you have to lay down the law on the first date and tell them, here's my five year plan. Do you fit into this? But equally, I don't think that you need to be cagey or dishonest around what you're looking for.
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And I think the sooner that you can reveal any structural incompatibilities between you to the extent that those exist, the better off you are, right? Because it's just a waste of time. So be very direct around what you're looking for and trust that the people who are looking for the same thing are going to receive that positively rather than being freaked out by it or turned off by it. The next piece of advice that I want to give you is go slower than feels natural. So again, if you turn more towards anxious attachment, your impulse is going to be how quickly can I forge a really intense connection with this person that allows me to kind of sink my teeth in and establish a level of safety via proximity and control, right?
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Being in that in between space where we don't really know what the relationship is yet feels very, very out of control for most people. And so all of your protective parts are going to be urging you to find a way to fast track whether that's by having very intense conversations or disclosures or expressing emotions or whatever other things might feel like a way to almost leapfrog over that in between stage of early dating. Your body and your being is going to be telling you to do that. And I get it. I have been historically terrible at taking this advice that I'm giving you now.
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But nevertheless, I think it's really important and it's a massive growth edge for us as anxiously attached people. There's a lot of really fruitful personal work in this particular tip. So go slower than feels natural. Dwell in that space of the unknown and uncertainty, feel the discomfort of that and choose to build up your resilience and your capacity to be in that rather than to frantically try and find ways to opt out of that discomfort or to bypass it or to, as I said, to kind of leapfrog over it. So learn how to be in that in between space, go slower than feels natural and build up your tolerance level for discomfort in the process.
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And last but not least, try and really soak up the excitement of this period without feeding the anxiety. Right? For a lot of us when we have excitement, it comes with a side of anxiety or stress because we don't trust that something good won't become something bad. We might have had experiences where we got excited about someone and then we got disappointed and that makes us very on guard or on alert for the fact that as soon as there's something good, something bad is going to follow. Soon thereafter we're going to get rejected by this person who is currently showing interest in us.
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And as soon as we've got that other voice that's saying it isn't safe to just be excited, then anxiety takes over, right? That protective part is going to be stronger and louder than the part that feels optimistic and excited and that really robs us of the beauty of this experience, of getting to know someone or multiple people and being curious and being open and being playful and being flirtatious and all of those things that are a really beautiful part of that experience. We are denying ourselves of that opportunity when we go straight into anxiety and control and manipulation and how do I get myself a sense of safety here in a way that allows me to opt out of this discomfort? So try to play with can I just feel and enjoy the excitement of this experience without trying to grip it or hold on to it or ensure that I don't lose it? Can I actually just be present with the good stuff while it's here, rather than finding ways to let my fear tell me that it's not safe to just feel that positive stuff, to feel all the yummy good stuff in the dating process.
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So try to experience that excitement without letting the anxiety cloud your vision and tell you that it's not safe to do so. Okay, so that was how to manage anxiety in early dating. I hope that that's been helpful in contextualising. Not only why it's totally understandable and normal, particularly if you tend more towards anxious attachment, that you would feel a lot of anxiety in early dating because it really is pushing a lot of those buttons around. Uncertainty, lack of control, validation, seeking people, pleasing unworthiness all of that stuff is really front and centre when we're in that early dating period.
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So it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling anxiety and that all of your anxious parts would be on high alert and front and centre. But I'm hoping that with those tips, that gives you a bit more of an action plan on how to manage that for yourself, so that you can not only try and soothe the anxiety, but you can actually really stay connected to a sense of self and build that self trust and self worth in the process so that you can actually enjoy being in that dating process rather than feeling like it's just stressful all the time. Because for obvious reasons, that is going to rob you of all of the positives of dating and getting to know people and building connection. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm super grateful. For those of you who leave reviews and ratings, it really is the most helpful way to get the word out about the podcast.
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Share it with the people in your life, share it on social media, all of those things are a huge help to me and I am so appreciative for all of you who tune in and who do share and review the podcast. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.