#58 From Anxious to Secure: 6 Shifts You'll Notice As You Heal
In anticipation of the upcoming launch of my signature program Healing Anxious Attachment, today's episode is all about what changes you can expect as you heal your anxious attachment. I'll be sharing 6 shifts that you'll notice as you do the healing work and become more secure within yourself and in your relationships.
In anticipation of the upcoming launch of my signature program Healing Anxious Attachment, today's episode is all about what changes you can expect as you heal your anxious attachment.
I'll be sharing 6 shifts that you'll notice as you do the healing work and become more secure within yourself and in your relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
learning to observe your anxious thoughts rather than be ruled by them
not feeling the urgent need to fix and problem-solve your relationship
trusting that conflict isn't a matter of life or death
building your self-worth
learning to enjoy your own company
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:36.67
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is titled from Anxious to Secure Six Shifts.
0:00:36.72 → 0:01:15.85
You'll notice as you heal. So, as the title suggests, we're going to be talking about what that journey looks like as you start to heal your anxious attachment style and develop a more secure way of being in relationships. So what I'm going to share with you today is drawn not only from my personal experience of shifts I've noticed within myself and in my relationship as I have worked on my own anxious attachment over the years, but also the shifts that I consistently notice in the many, many hundreds of people that I've worked with in healing their anxious attachment. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:01:15.98 → 0:01:56.62
In keeping with the theme of today's episode, you will have heard me speaking about my signature programme, Healing Anxious Attachment, which is reopening for early bird enrollment in less than one week. For those of you already on the waitlist and I think there's almost 1200, which is amazing, you are all taken care of and you will get an email when doors open next week. If you aren't on the waitlist, but you're interested in the Healing Anxious Attachment programme, definitely join the waitlist. You can do so via the link in the show notes and that will ensure that you get first access next week as soon as doors open, and will also entitle you to save $100 on the course price. So definitely join the waitlist if you're at all interested.
0:01:56.75 → 0:02:24.10
And as I said, the link is in the show notes or you can go straight to my website, stephanierig.com and that should all be relatively straightforward and easy to find. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is this is the only podcast that I've listened to every single episode and have been able to relate to. I'm fearful avoidant attachment and lean anxious. This has made it extremely hard to maintain relationships. Stephanie's knowledge has taught me so many things about myself and I'm thankful every day that I found this podcast.
0:02:24.24 → 0:02:48.19
Thank you, Stephanie. There are no words that can express the gratitude I have for you and your work. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. Brought a big smile to my face and I'm so glad that you found my work and that you are getting so much out of it. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you.
0:02:48.31 → 0:03:13.88
Okay, so let's dive into these six shifts that you'll notice as you heal your anxious attachment style. And I should say at the outset, a couple of things. This is far from an exhaustive list. As I was writing it. You might notice that usually I have five tips or five signs or five something, and I had to keep going and I thought of a 6th one and then I started thinking of 7th and 8th ones and then I had to just hold myself back.
0:03:14.01 → 0:03:43.63
In the interests of brevity for the podcast. So this is not an exhaustive list. These are just six of many shifts that you'll notice as you heal your anxious attachment style. The other quick thing I should say at the outset, and this is particularly for people who might be new to the podcast, new to my work, or even new to attachment theory, a really important and foundational thing about all of this work, which makes it so powerful, is that healing is possible for everyone. I always get asked, is it really possible?
0:03:43.75 → 0:04:15.58
Is that really something that is achievable for people to not be anxious anymore, to become secure? And the way that I always answer that is, yes, it is possible for everyone to become more secure in their attachment. That doesn't mean that you'll never be anxious again. It's something that I still come up against from time to time, but it's no longer my whole experience, it's no longer my story, it's no longer something that I'm at the mercy of. So it really is something that you can unlearn and you can learn a new way of being.
0:04:15.63 → 0:04:56.39
And that is why I'm such a big advocate of this work and I really do believe in its efficacy. Okay, so let's dive into these six shifts that you'll notice as you heal your anxious attachment style. The first one is you're able to distance yourself from your anxious thoughts and stories in real time. So you're able to shift into more of a witnessing role and really observe your thoughts and stories in real time rather than experiencing them in this all consuming way. In this way that feels very true and then creates so much anxiety and stress in your system and spins you out of control.
0:04:56.59 → 0:05:29.43
So, again, this is true for not only anxious attachment. I think generally, as we do any kind of healing work, and certainly a lot of meditation and other spiritual practises are predicated on cultivating this skill of being able to witness ourselves in real time. And I think it certainly is, particularly for the anxious mind, the anxious system. It is a really powerful shift that you will notice because once you can stop yourself and go, wait a second, what am I making this mean? Is that necessarily true?
0:05:29.50 → 0:06:18.37
Do I have all the information? What are my choices in this moment? Do I need to spin out and start frantically trying to fix things or get back in control or get information or connect with someone or do whatever other fear driven thing my body would have me do. I can kind of interrupt the process much earlier and kind of coach myself out of it in a way that when you're at the earliest stages of your journey with anxious attachment, that can feel really out of reach, that ability to distance ourselves from the fear and the anxiety and shift into more of an observer role and really decide that, no, I'm going to act from a more grounded place. I'm going to look at this situation with a bird's eye view and I'm going to assess what's really happening.
0:06:18.49 → 0:07:19.96
I'm going to ask myself what I need and then I'm going to decide on the other side of that space and that process of self inquiry and that alone. Honestly, if that was the only shift you made, you'd be in such a better position than before you made that shift. Because it really is very powerful and transformative, not only for your relationships, in that it prevents you from lashing out or engaging in other activating strategies or protest behaviours that can be harmful to your relationship, but it's actually just so powerful for you in your own ability to calm yourself and your own ability to create safety for yourself and support yourself in those moments. Because again, before you go through the process of healing and when you don't have that tool, you can feel not only really stressed, panicky, afraid, but really alone, because you are not able to provide that safety for yourself. And so you feel terrified because it's like being a frightened child and no one's there to help you.
0:07:20.01 → 0:08:04.98
So that is the first shift that you'll notice as you heal. You're able to shift into that observer role and remain grounded. Even when anxiety is present, even when those fear stories come up, you're not at the mercy of them. Okay, the next shift that I've noticed, this is a big one, that I've really noticed in my relationship is I don't feel such a sense of urgency in terms of fixing and addressing everything. So if there is something that's bothering me, if something's happened, if my partner said something or done something, or not said something, or not done something, whatever it might be that stirred up some sort of an emotional response in me, I trust that we will address it at an appropriate time.
0:08:05.11 → 0:08:59.43
So, by contrast, before I had done a lot of this work and I'm sure a lot of people listening will relate to this, there's this sense of urgency around. We have to address everything now because it's not safe for there to be any sort of tension or disconnection or any other thing that could feel threatening to the relationship. And your fear will always tell you that everything is urgent and global and important and make or break, right? So as you start to heal, you trust in the relationship enough and in the connection you have with your partner that you don't need to kind of storm into the space of the relationship with this long list of here are all of the things that are wrong, and we need to fix them right now. Because I can't tolerate anything less than perfection in our relationship, in our connection.
0:08:59.51 → 0:09:27.58
And relatedly to this one, I would say your tendency to keep raising the bar all the time softens a bit. So this is something that anxiously attached people are notorious for this sense of okay, we need to do this thing in order for the relationship to be okay, we need to make this change or we need to fix that problem. And then as soon as that thing does get addressed, it's not enough. We need more. We move the carrot keeps dangling, we keep moving the goalposts all the time.
0:09:27.76 → 0:10:23.80
And the reason for that is often because we can't ever feel reassured. Because the thing that we're saying we need in order to be okay is not really the thing that we need. It goes so much deeper than that surface level thing that might be triggering us and so it will never feel like enough. Our ability to receive that reassurance is really impeded by the fact that we're not addressing the root cause of the problem there. So I think as you start to heal and as you start to reprogram some of these old patterns, you'll really notice that not only you don't have this urgent need to fix everything in terms of you can let things digest and settle and trust that when the time comes, you'll have a conversation, you'll work through it and you don't have such a strong bias towards everything that is wrong and feel this need to once one thing's.
0:10:23.83 → 0:11:02.14
Addressed. It's almost playing whack a mole with all of the things that are wrong in your relationship rather than just resting in a feeling of peace and contentedness. Okay, so the next one is that when there is a rupture, so if you do have a fight, if there is conflict in your relationship, it doesn't feel like life or death. Okay? So again, by contrast, I think for people who are in the thick of anxious attachment and again, this was certainly me, conflict feels really, really scary because for most of us, we have this sense of feeling like we're only ever one fight away from breaking up.
0:11:02.27 → 0:11:38.45
Even if that's not true, right? Even if there are no signs to suggest that in the relationship, even if there's no evidence to support the fact that you really are on the brink of the relationship ending. It feels like that because disconnection feels really, really unsafe to the point of almost feeling life threatening. And so because we've got this looming fear of abandonment that is always just there under the surface and driving so many of our fears and protective strategies and behaviour. As soon as there is conflict, there can be this sense of, oh no, this is it, this is where it all ends.
0:11:38.50 → 0:12:40.01
This is where you're going to leave me. And that really, again, interferes with our ability to have healthy conflict because we've got our fear goggles on, right? When we start to do the healing work and we start to learn new ways of experiencing conflict safely, of having hard conversations, of advocating for ourselves without getting really combative and antagonistic with a partner, we start to realise that conflict can be had safely, that not every rupture is a matter of life or death. We can zoom out and go, okay, I can hold in one hand the fact that I'm upset with you or you're upset with me over this thing and we still love each other and care about each other and we're committed to each other and everything's going to be okay, we're going to get through this. Our ability to hold both of those things is something that most anxious people need to learn, because as soon as we've got in one hand, you're upset with me, it's very, very hard for us to feel like everything else could still be okay.
0:12:40.13 → 0:13:10.58
And being able to hold both of those things as true is a really powerful and important shift that you will notice as you heal. Okay, so that's a nice segue into the next shift you'll notice, which is you're able to find your way to the healthy middle, the space of both and. So if you've not heard that expression before, both and, meaning the opposite of either or. And I think again, when we're in fear and insecurity, we live in the land of either or. It's either my needs or your needs.
0:13:10.68 → 0:13:55.15
It's inherently oppositional. There's so much competition built into it and we are operating from this place of threat and self protection, and that is the space of either or. When we start to become more secure, when we start to build our capacity, we realise that there are so many options in between the extremes of either or, of me versus you, and we start to recognise that both and is possible too. So what do I mean by that? To take it out of the abstract, an example might mean I can have compassion for you and I can have boundaries for myself rather than if I'm compassionate for you, that means that I'm making excuses for you when I lose myself.
0:13:55.24 → 0:14:14.11
That's the insecure version, right? The secure version is, I can have compassion for you. I can see that this is hard for you and I'm not going to lose myself in the process of feeling that empathy and compassion for you. I'm still going to advocate for myself. I can assert my needs while also respecting your needs.
0:14:14.26 → 0:14:27.40
We don't have to play in this zero sum game of either you get your needs met or I get mine met. Again, that is insecure lens. We go, okay, how do we both get our needs met? What's the compromise? What are the choices?
0:14:27.46 → 0:14:56.10
How could this look in a way that works for both of us so we find our way to this healthy middle. Okay, so the next shift that you will notice is you start to really believe in your own worth and value, both as a person and as a partner. Okay, this is huge. Again, you could take any one of these on their own and they would be hugely valuable to your life and relationships. But this one in particular, you start to actually believe that you have worth and value.
0:14:56.28 → 0:15:23.47
So a lot of anxiously attached people, I would probably say all anxiously attached people struggle with low self worth to some degree. And that low self worth drives a lot of relationship patterns and behaviours. Things like not expressing needs, things like not having boundaries, things like jealousy and comparison. All of this stuff comes from oh no, I don't believe that you could really love me for me. I don't believe that you could really value me.
0:15:23.59 → 0:16:03.18
So I people please or I over give, I overextend myself to try and earn your approval and your love and keep your approval and your love. Perfectionism is another great example of how that unworthiness drives unhealthy behaviours. We feel like we have to be perfect, otherwise someone's going to leave us. So as you start to do this work and you start to build up that self worth and that self respect, you go, wait a second, I have a lot to offer. I believe in my own worth, I believe that I deserve to have needs, I believe that I deserve to be cared for.
0:16:03.31 → 0:16:35.43
And that is such a powerful shift because it allows you to stand tall and stand firm in your relationships. Again, not from a place of aggression or self protection, but just from a place of self advocacy. And that's really the energy that you'll start to notice yourself embodying as you become more secure, this energy of self advocacy. And that is really such a beautiful shift to notice in yourself whether you're in a relationship or not. Okay, the last shift that I want to offer you is that you start to enjoy your own company more.
0:16:35.63 → 0:17:28.76
So a lot of anxiously attached people really struggle with being on their own. And particularly if they're in a relationship, they tend to be so consumed by thinking about the relationship all the time and being apart from their partner can be quite triggering, can stir up some level of stress response. Now, depending on the dynamic in the relationship and how much trust and stability is in the relationship, that might go from very low level anxiety all the way up to quite extreme anxiety when you're apart from your partner. But as you start to become more secure, you're less consumed by thinking about your relationship all the time, or even by dating. If you are dating rather than in a relationship, and you start to develop this really beautiful, comfortable, thriving relationship with yourself, you start exploring who am I, what do I like?
0:17:28.81 → 0:18:11.49
What do I like doing? You start prioritising yourself and figuring out how you want to live your life. Again, this isn't a reaction against being in a relationship. It's not to say that you can't enjoy the company of your partner or other people, but you're not dependent on it in order to feel safe, secure, fulfilled in your life. And you really start to build out the pillars of your life and diversify your energy so that you're not over indexed on your relationship or your dating prospects or that kind of domain, which for most anxiously attached people as a starting point, takes up 99% of their field of vision at any given time.
0:18:11.58 → 0:18:56.29
And as you would know, and as I certainly know, that gets really exhausting. So as you become more secure, you really do start to not only prioritise yourself, but really enjoy building that relationship with yourself and step into a more fully embodied, authentic version of who you are. And from that place so much becomes possible. It's amazing for me, my students and clients, it's not just the relationship stuff that changes it's I've quit my job and I'm starting my own business, or I got a promotion, or I'm travelling the world. All of these things become possible when we step away from fear and into a more authentic, secure, embodied version of ourselves.
0:18:56.37 → 0:19:31.07
So that is a really powerful shift that you'll notice as you become more secure and shift away from those old patterns of anxious attachment. Okay, so that was six shifts you'll notice as you heal. I really hope that that has been helpful and I hope that if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, I hope this has inspired you and given you a sense of what is possible for you and available to you if you do this work. Because I promise you, this is a transformation that I've experienced and that I have accompanied many, many people on. It is possible for you.
0:19:31.11 → 0:20:07.65
And as I said, I really hope that this has given you some cause for optimism and has inspired you to do the work. And if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're ready to make a change and you'd like some support in doing that, do cheque out healing anxious attachment. My signature course, the Waitlist link is in the show notes and early bird enrollment opens in just six days time and I would love to see you there. Thank you so much for joining me, guys. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a rating or a review if you're listening on Apple podcasts, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode.
0:20:07.75 → 0:20:29.94
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
0:20:30.07 --> 0:20:33.16
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#57 What's the difference between privacy and secrecy in relationships?
In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between privacy and secrecy. Depending on where you sit on the attachment spectrum, you may have a complicated relationship with privacy - both your own and others'. We'll discuss where the line is between privacy and secrecy, and what to do if you find other people's privacy uncomfortable or triggering.
In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between privacy and secrecy.
Depending on where you sit on the attachment spectrum, you may have a complicated relationship with privacy - both your own and others'. We'll discuss where the line is between privacy and secrecy, and what to do if you find other people's privacy uncomfortable or triggering.
WHAT WE COVER:
what's the difference between privacy and secrecy?
anxious attachment and the need for information to eliminate uncertainty
the trust wound
avoidant attachment and protectiveness around privacy
important caveats where there has been a known breach of trust
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:37.59
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the question of when does privacy become secrecy?
0:00:38.03 → 0:01:24.42
Where is the line between privacy and secrecy? How can we navigate this? And how can we probably become more comfortable with reasonable levels of privacy without experiencing privacy as secrecy? And I'm really talking to my anxiously attached listeners there because without giving too much away of what we're going to talk about today, I'm sure you can relate to feeling really uncomfortable with privacy and probably feeling like privacy is secrecy. So we're going to be talking about that, what the difference is between the two, how you can become more trusting of reasonable boundaries around privacy, and also some caveats to privacy versus secrecy when there has been a breach of trust.
0:01:24.55 → 0:01:51.40
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just a reminder again, that my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is opening up for early bird enrollment in about ten days for those on the waitlist. So if you're interested, definitely join the waitlist. That will ensure that you get notified when doors open and will also allow you to access the early bird price, which is exclusive to those on the waitlist.
0:01:51.46 → 0:02:26.66
So the link to that is in the show notes, if you're interested, and I definitely encourage you to cheque it out. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I discovered the On Attachment podcast a few weeks ago and I've been listening to it at every opportunity since. Stephanie's helped me understand why it feels like I spin out and why my self esteem plummets at certain times in my life and recognising these triggers has already helped me to self soothe and make choices to keep myself on track. The podcast has brought me closer to my partner and also, strangely, to my parents. It's allowed my parents and I to understand our dynamic as a family and to communicate and support one another better.
0:02:26.76 → 0:02:44.48
It's also helping my parents navigate their anxious avoidance cycle. I'm realising that my anxious attachment style has ruled my life and my emotions in so many ways since I was a kid. And I'm so looking forward to joining the next Healing Anxious Attachment course this month. Thank you so much, Stephanie. Thank you so much for that beautiful review.
0:02:44.61 → 0:03:02.74
That is so lovely to hear that not only you're having those experiences of growth and transformation, but that it's rippling out to the relationships in your life and your family and your parents. That's really, really amazing. And humbling. So thank you for sharing that. It's put a big smile on my face.
0:03:02.79 → 0:03:54.85
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes, which will be a nice supplement to the healing anxious attachment course if you do end up joining this month. Okay, so with that out of the way, let's dive into this conversation about privacy and secrecy. So as a starting point, I think we need to distinguish between what privacy is and what secrecy is. And while the specific content of privacy versus secrecy is likely to be contextually specific, I think it's useful to define them by reference to the energy or the intention behind it. And in my mind, privacy is my partner doesn't need to know about this, but they could, and it wouldn't be a problem, whereas secrecy is.
0:03:54.89 → 0:04:36.84
I have to make sure they don't find out about this, because if they did, it would be a problem. Okay, so secrecy has this quality of concealment. I have done something that is in breach of some boundary or agreement which is overt or implied in our relationship. I've done something in breach of that, and I've got to go about making sure my partner doesn't find out because there would be adverse consequences for our relationship if they were to find out. Whereas privacy is just I don't need to share every single thought, feeling, movement, everything I do in a day, everything I think and feel, I don't need to share that with my partner, and I don't need them to share that with me.
0:04:37.29 → 0:04:56.93
So that's the starting point, right? And it's really important to understand that privacy is a good thing. Privacy is important. Privacy is a feature or a byproduct of having healthy boundaries in a relationship. Where this gets really tricky is when we overlay attachment dynamics onto it, which is often the case, right?
0:04:57.02 → 0:06:00.17
We can have the base conversation and then we have the attachment overlay where it gets a little bit more complicated and charged. So on the anxious side, in my experience, privacy feels like secrecy because we have oftentimes a trust wound and we have this anxiety and we have this real struggle around uncertainty. And so our anxiety will tell us that the antidote to uncertainty is information, and gathering as much information as possible is going to alleviate the anxiety, and that's how we're going to get to safety. Unfortunately, what that means is someone else's reasonable privacy feels threatening to us, and that can lead us to be invasive and intrusive and do things like snoop or pry or ask probing questions of someone. And if you're in a relationship with someone who leans more avoidant, they're likely to have a really protective response to that.
0:06:00.21 → 0:06:51.80
Because if we walk around to the other side of the street and we look at how avoidant leaning people relate to privacy and secrecy. We know that for avoidant people a sense of self and clear autonomy and independence and not feeling controlled, that's really important to them, feeling safe in a relationship. So they're likely to lean heavily on privacy as their right, as something that they're entitled to, and they're likely to be very protective of that. So to the extent that their partner, who might be more anxious leaning, starts to push the boundaries of that because they're feeling anxious and their partner's privacy feels threatening to them, they're going to double down on that privacy. And really push them away, which is going to send alarm bells ringing for the anxious person going, oh, no, they're really hiding something because they're not just opening the kimono, so to speak.
0:06:51.98 → 0:07:37.05
So what do we do with that? I think that this is a much bigger conversation than I can get into in a short Q and A episode. But I think the essence of this one is if you are more anxious leaning and you notice that privacy is triggering for you, someone else having privacy, that's a good sign that you need to work on your own boundaries. Because I suppose the flip side of this is you're likely to not protect your own privacy very much. And I think that a lot of anxious people tend to be like an extreme open book, tend to over disclose, tend to offer everything up very early in a relationship because there's this story that to tell someone everything, that's how we build connection, right?
0:07:37.25 → 0:08:07.45
That if I just kind of disclose everything and tell you all of my secrets or whatever, if I just share everything with you, that's how I build connection with you. And so privacy is not something that you're likely to value so much for yourself. Which again, reinforces the fact that someone else's valuing of their privacy is offensive, is threatening, is hurtful, is them pushing you away, is them not wanting to connect with you. Okay? But we really need to recognise here what of that is our stuff.
0:08:07.64 → 0:08:55.12
And I'd say in that circumstance, when it is just healthy levels of privacy, there's no reason to be suspicious of anything of concern. I think that's our responsibility to get curious about, to increase our tolerance for that. And that's really our work around uncertainty and the ways that we try to manage uncertainty through control. Okay, so if you're more anxious leaning and you are nodding in self recognition here, that's your work, right, is to do the work around what's my relationship to uncertainty and control and vulnerability? Because I think a lot of the time, and this is an important point, we seek transparency, all the information, as a substitute for trust, right?
0:08:55.14 → 0:09:24.22
We tell ourselves that if we know everything, then we'll be able to decide whether or not to trust. And that really defeats the purpose of trust. It undermines the whole premise of trust, which involves an element of the unknown. It involves uncertainty, it involves vulnerability. So if the only reason you trust someone is because you are satisfied that you have gathered all the information that there is to know and there's nothing to lead you to believe that you shouldn't trust them, that's actually kind of missing the point.
0:09:24.27 → 0:09:46.72
That's not really trust, that's just control. And it's very flimsy because it commits you to having to keep gathering all of the information all the time in order to keep assessing whether or not you can trust. Okay? So that is your growth edge. If you're someone who does lean, more anxious or otherwise, but you know that you struggle with other people's privacy, that is really where your work is.
0:09:46.90 → 0:10:26.13
Now, the caveat to all of this is where there has been a known breach of trust in a relationship, an obvious example being infidelity in those circumstances, it may be reasonable to forego a level of privacy for a period of time while trust is rebuilt. So, for example, if your partner was caught doing something on their phone sexting with someone or was still on dating apps or something like that, and that was a breach of trust in your relationship? That was a breach? Of the boundaries of your relationship, then for a period of time after that, it may be reasonable for you to agree that they don't get privacy around their phone. Right?
0:10:26.17 → 0:11:33.46
That they have to sacrifice that and commit to a level of transparency, meaning actually volunteering information that would be more than regular levels of privacy would require in order to rebuild trust. And the onus really needs to be on them, on the person who has betrayed trust to give up those privileges for a period of time in order to go above and beyond to rebuild the trust. So I think that that's an important qualifier to this conversation around privacy. Trust and secrecy is that the starting point should be privacy, but where you've been given a valid reason to not trust in the safety of privacy, then that might be a conversation to be had and something to negotiate. And I really encourage you to probably seek out the support of a couple's therapist or someone who can be a neutral third party to help you manage that, because it can get really charged and highly emotional and can be really challenging to navigate on your own.
0:11:33.56 → 0:12:12.59
So I hope that that's been helpful for you in answering this question of what's the difference between privacy and secrecy? Where's the line between them and what's reasonable, what's healthy, what's unhealthy? And if you recognise that in yourself that healthy privacy feels unsafe for you, then that's a really good sign that there's some work to be done around the trust wound and your relationship to uncertainty and control. And that's very much fertile ground for self exploration. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a quick review if you're listening on Apple podcasts or a five star rating.
0:12:12.64 → 0:12:34.09
If you're listening on Spotify, it really does help so much. Otherwise, I will see you again next week. Thanks so much for joining me guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram, @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com.
0:12:34.21 → 0:12:43.34
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.