#95 3 Essential Ingredients to Make a Relationship Work
Are you constantly asking yourself why your relationships don't seem to be working out, even when you've given it your all? Today, let's tear down the walls of confusion and delve into an enlightening conversation on the three core essentials of a successful relationship that many of us might be overlooking. It's an eye-opening discussion drawn from my personal experiences and my work with numerous individuals on how to build a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Get ready to unpack the essence of compatibility, not just on the surface level, but the structural alignment of your life goals with your partner, a missed detail that often keeps relationships in a damaging loop of unresolved conflicts. Alongside understanding compatibility, we'll navigate the often tricky terrains of commitment and capacity. We'll unravel how these key elements interact, and more importantly, how to discern when it is an issue of willingness or capacity.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I am answering a listener question of how do I navigate being newly single in my mid thirtys. I feel like I'm running out of time. This is a question that I'm sure so many of you will resonate with maybe not being in your mid 30s, although I think there's a big chunk of you that might fall into that demographic. But just this sense of my life hasn't played out in the way that I envisaged and I feel like all of a sudden I'm scrambling and I am running out of time and we can really feel an overwhelming sense of scarcity. It can really rob us of the joy and the ability to be present in our lives as they are today and can lead us to feel really hopeless and deflated about what our future might hold.
[00:01:18]:
So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this and navigating being newly single, how you might approach dating from a mindset point of view, and how to really honour the desires that you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed or demoralised by where you find yourself. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just want to share the featured review. This one was from Spotify and it said your show has been life-changing. Your words let me wrestle with what resonates and I could not be more grateful. Thank you for all you do because you're actually helping people look inward and heal. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes.
[00:02:06]:
I also just want to say before I start this episode, I've mentioned this a couple of times before on the show, but my higher love course is a breakup course. But the first three modules are around grieving, the breakup. And the second three modules, there are six in total, are around looking to the future and really figuring out who am I and what do I desire? And really levelling up in terms of where we're at and what we want and our self-confidence and our self-worth, self-esteem so that you can think about reentering the dating world if that's what you desire, from a place that is not just going to be a rinse and repeat of your old patterns. Because there's nothing worse than feeling like we've had a fresh start and then we actually just end up right back where we started. So if you are in that situation, akin to the person who asked the question that is the topic of this episode. You can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on my Higher Love course if you enter that code at checkout on my website and we'll link that in the show notes. But that is a really great resource. I kind of forget about that course sometimes because it's always available on my website, but it is actually one that gets incredible feedback.
[00:03:17]:
And a lot of people who've then gone on to work with me in more intimate capacities really rave about Higher Love as being the turning point in their journey after a relationship ended. So if that's you and you're looking for some more support, definitely cheque that out. Okay, so let's talk about this, how to navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s, I feel like I'm out of time. I just really want to validate how very, very understandable this is, particularly for women. I think that oftentimes it is women who have this sentiment and this sense of scarcity around timing, particularly if you want to have kids. There's no denying that there is a timing reality, right? There are timing constraints around having kids. And while it's not to say that if you're in your mid 30s, time is up, time is also not infinite and limitless, and so it's really understandable that you'd be feeling all of those things. I think society gives us a lot of messaging around that.
[00:04:11]:
And again, for women, even putting the kids piece to one side, I think we really have been conditioned to feel like our value starts to plummet as we age as women. And so I just want to really validate all of the things that you're feeling, and I'm not just going to tell you like, oh, it's all in your head, don't worry about it, because I don't think that that would be helpful or honest. So it can be really hard to be grappling with all of those messages that we get and whatever realities might exist in terms of timing constraints. So I just really want to say, like, I get it. I think that's really, really normal. And as I said, so many of the people that I work with are in a similar boat. And that is really what brings them to me. Because it's like okay, I feel like I need to get serious about this now because maybe I've spent my twenty s and the first part of my 30s really focused on career or other things and in this youthful sense of having limitless time and then waking up one day and realising like, oh, okay, I'm not getting any younger, and there are still things that I really desire for my life, and I probably need to start moving on those things.
[00:05:22]:
So it is a really common experience that a lot of the people I work with will relate to. I think when we layer on to that, being newly single, if you've been in a long term relationship and you really pictured a future with that person and that's what you thought you were working towards, and you thought you kind of had it all laid out in front of you to have that taken away. I think we don't talk enough about the grief that is grief of a future that we thought we were going to have. Often we think about grief as being a backwards looking thing, something we're grieving the memories, we're grieving the past. But a huge piece of that grief when a relationship ends, a long term relationship where we pictured a future is grieving the future that we won't have with that person and grieving our fear of the unknown that now lies ahead of us when we thought we had it all figured out. So I think that really allowing yourself to grieve and to feel that is an important part because, again, just bypassing all of that and trying to bottle it up or try and push it down and telling yourself, like, there's no point being upset about it, here's where I am. I understand the part that wants to just white knuckle it through, but it's probably a short term solution. It's probably not going to really deal with the underlying reality of how you're feeling.
[00:06:40]:
So allowing yourself plenty of time and space to grieve not only the past but also the future. And when you've done that, and I say when you've done that, as if it's a nice to do list item that you can cheque off neatly, which of course is not the case. But in addition to that, I suppose the reframe I would offer you and the mindset piece that you might want to feel into is what possibilities arise from the reality of where I'm at right now. If my life has thrown me a curveball and it's not what I hoped or expected, that can be true. And at the same time we can go, okay, I have an opportunity here, and I have the power to decide. I have a level of freedom and autonomy at this moment in time in my life. And I can use this to get really, really clear and really empowered in what I truly desire for myself. And I think that a lot of people go look around them and go, everyone's married and has kids, and I'm not even close.
[00:07:47]:
How can I not feel defeated and deflated by that? But I think it's really important to remind ourselves that comparison we all know that comparison is not helpful. We all do it, of course, and it's not like, okay, I'll just flip the switch in my brain for comparison, and then I won't do that anymore. I think we all do that somewhat naturally, but it's important to remind yourself that you're not comparing apples with apples. You looking at your life and then comparing it to the person you went to high school with who's had everything play out the way that society would say is the right path or is kind of the traditional path. You don't know what's going on there. You don't know that that person's storybook. Life is as it seems. And I think we all have really imperfect information.
[00:08:31]:
As we all know, social media is a highlights real and of course it is. We don't really tend to show the hard stuff in real-time when it's messy and it's challenging and it's uncertain. So just reminding yourself that that comparison game when you're looking around you on social media, it's really bad data and it's just going to skew you towards feeling like your life is shit and everyone else's is great. So I think reminding yourself of that when you go into comparison. But also someone else's life might not actually be what you want, or they might be married and have kids, but maybe their marriage is not of the level of depth and connection that you desire. And maybe you haven't been willing to make certain sacrifices that someone else has. So just like trying to stay in your lane and go, okay, I'm here for whatever reason. I'm here because of my desires.
[00:09:19]:
I'm here because of my limits. I'm here because of my boundaries. I'm here because of my experiences. I'm here. And so what am I going to do with it, right? What am I going to do with this moment in time in my life? How can I really go all in on myself? How can I be so steadfastly committed to being the best version of myself? Not in the sense of like, I have to strive to be perfect in order for someone to choose me. But how can I really commit to my health, my well being, my emotional development, my spiritual development, whatever that means to you, in a way that you can cultivate peace and contentedness and joy and vibrancy and vitality in your being and trusting that from that place you're far more likely to attract or be attracted to people who are on a similar wavelength and who have similar values, who are looking for similar things. Whereas I think if we allow ourselves to spiral into the scarcity and into the fear and into the I'm running out of time, I'm just going to have to settle for the first person who buys me a drink. Of course we're going to end up with an approximation, maybe a sad approximation of what we truly desire.
[00:10:33]:
So I've done a podcast episode in the past around how to enjoy being single when I really want a relationship. And I think it's ultimately similar advice but with the overlay of that contextual factor of being in your mid thirty s and feeling like you're running out of time, it's like you can really lean into that experience of where you're at right now. And the season of life that you're in and really embrace that and really make the most of it, really make it juicy and vibrant and vital while also holding the desire and really fiercely holding the desire for partnership, if that's what you desire. So getting really clear, not just like I want a partner, but I want depth of connection and I want commitment and I want someone to build a life with. I want co creation of a vision. I want us to really be supportive of another's dreams, just go really all in on the vision. I think a lot of people in this situation start diluting or watering down their desires, and I would say that's the opposite of what we really want to be doing. Of course we don't want to be overly prescriptive around.
[00:11:37]:
I need someone who's this height and has all these physical attributes and getting a little bit rigid in what we desire in a partner, in a superficial sense, but really allowing yourself to get very clear around values and desired feelings in the relationship and not really being willing to compromise on the things that you know deep in your heart you're not really willing to compromise on and giving yourself full permission. And I think when we balance these two things, it's like, I'm really committed to creating a vibrant life and a full life, a life that feels rich and joyful and wonderful. And I'm really desiring a partner in a relationship that has these qualities. We are able to hold both and we can go, okay, I'm willing to wait to find that, to find that partner, that kind of relationship. And I don't really need to compromise dramatically on what I truly want because I've got all of this vibrancy and joy and vitality in my life and the season that I'm in. So I think they actually really support each other when we can hold both of those things. So I hope that that's been helpful as like a little pep talk and a little mindset reframe. I know it's really hard, I know it's really easy to feel weighed down by all of those societal messages, particularly as a woman.
[00:12:56]:
The pressure of time feels really big and really real, but life is long and I'm sure there are a lot of people listening who are much older than their mid-30s who are going, wow, I wish I could snap my fingers and be in my mid 30s again and start fresh. So reminding ourselves it's all relative and we're still alive for as long as we're here, right? Like, today's a new day and all we can do is figure out what our next move is and decide how we want to be and who we want to be and trust that from that place of intentionality and integrity we will be okay and that we can create something really beautiful for ourselves. So I hope that that's been helpful. I'm sending you lots of love to the question asker and anyone else who is in a similar situation and feeling a little downtrodden. And as I said, if you do want to cheque out my Higher Love course, you can use the code Phoenix to get $150 off at checkout. Otherwise, so grateful for you all joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:14:01]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.