#101 Navigating Long-Distance Relationships: Tips & Pitfalls
In today’s episode, we’re exploring long-distance relationships. Despite the old adage of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, many people tend to really struggle with long-distance relationship structures.
We’ll cover:
Why it’s normal and natural to struggle with long-distance
How attachment dynamics can exacerbate long-distance challenges
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about navigating long distance relationships. So how we can best approach a long distance relationship, whether it's for a period of time or whether it's a longer term arrangement, and unpacking some of the ways that you might alleviate the challenges of that dynamic and also talking about how certain attachment patterns might play out in a long distance setup. So this is far from her comprehensive deep dive into what is a very big topic with a lot of nuance and obviously the long-distance thing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:10]:
You know, there's such a spectrum of ways that could look and different circumstances and, you know, different people with different dynamics and different challenges in their own relationships, so I think long distance can magnify some of the things that might already be present and may exacerbate some of the challenges that a relationship is already experiencing. So take what I'm going to share today as a very general overview I am going to see if I can get a friend of mine who is an expert in this. She's another relationship coach, and she did long distance herself for a long time and teachers on this. So I might see if I can get her as a guest on the podcast to go into this in a little more depth in detail.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:54]:
But I'm hoping that for today, we'll be able to cover why long distance can feel challenging and why it makes total sense that long distance would feel really challenging. And some of the things that you can think about doing, if that's a situation that you're in, to alleviate some of those stresses.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:12]:
Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. Next week, I am running a live master class on building trust. So we're going to be talking about self trust and trust in a relational context. And, you know, that'll include a lot of material actually don't know how I'm gonna cover it all in the 90 minutes that I've allotted, so we may go over time. There will also be an opportunity for Q and A with me at the end. and the master class will be recorded, and you will have access to that recording. So if you are someone who struggles with self trust, And, you know, you have a bit of a trust wound that you're aware of that drives some of your patents in relationship. I'd really love for you to come along. and learn with me and others how we can build more inner trust and that relationship with ourselves and then carry that into our relationships in a way that allows us to feel a sense of safety and groundedness and confidence in advocating for ourselves and our needs.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:16]:
2nd quick announcement is just to share the feature to review for today, which is I stumbled upon this podcast and so relieved I did the first 20 minutes into an episode. I felt like Stephanie knew what I was feeling thinking and struggling with. It's reassuring to know we're not alone in our struggles and that there are beautiful souls like Tiffany who generously share advice and tools to help others feel better. I'm grateful for your podcast and wisdom. Thank you so much. I'm grateful for you and your kind words of support. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast at stephanierig.com. and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And that can include the Building Trust Masterclass if you would like to come along and join us next week. So just shoot an email to my team, and we'll get you all sorted. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around long distance relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:03]:
So I think it's really important to acknowledge at the outset what is probably obvious, which is that long-distance relationships are hard work. They require a lot more effort and intention than a relationship where you are in the same place, whether living together or living in the same town or city, proximity does a lot of the heavy lifting and allows us to, I suppose, be comfortable in not having to really put in a lot of effort into seeing each other and making the time. Of course, that will vary on situation to situation. But I think that with distance, we are immediately required to really carve out that time and space. There's no complacency in a long-distance relationship because I think that it will wither very quickly if we aren't putting in additional effort to really stay connected sense. And I think that recognizing, you know, even if you're not someone who really values, you know, physical closeness, there is so much unspoken intimacy in proximity and being near each other. And I think that you know, a lot of our connection needs are met just via that proximity even without anything more than that. So when we Take that away. Of course, we are going to need to do a lot of heavy lifting and put in a lot more effort than would otherwise be needed if we were just in each other's company and space all the time and had the comfort of that, you know, circumstantial sort of intimacy and closeness. So starting by recognizing that long distance is going to be challenging.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:47]:
I've been in a long distance relationship myself, a period of time. It was in our entire relationship. And it was really challenging. We, I think, just naturally felt less connected and less involved in each other's lives than we were used to. And it's really easy, I think, to drift when you're in that space, and to maybe take each other for granted rather than really putting in that time and effort and energy into staying a part of each other's world in a really active way. So recognizing the challenges of it. And then I suppose the additional layer that I alluded to earlier was in an anxious avoided dynamic or if we're looking the overlay of attachment patterns on what is already a challenging starting point. If you lean more anxious, Of course, we know that uncertainty is hard. Distance is hard. Feeling out of control is hard. Feeling like you cannot reach your partner. whether literally you can't get in contact with them, or there's some sort of block there that you can't feel fully connected to them. You can't really feel them. Your jealousy can be a real trigger for a lot of anxious folks. not really knowing where you stand, not having that clarity. All of these things are challenging for anxiously attached to people at the best of times. And we know that, right, we know that those baseline tendencies and sensitivities are there, and we can see how they might be exacerbated by distance. on the other side, someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment patterns, in my experience, avoidant folks tend to do better with out of sight, out of mind. And I don't mean that to say that they don't care about you if you were in long distance, but they're probably not feeling the absence or the distance as acutely as you are if you have more anxious patterns of really, you know, that those proximity seeking behaviors as a way feel safe. So an avoidant leaning person is likely to be more able to compartmentalize such that they can go about their daily life with that distance and not be overly bothered by it.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:07]:
And so we can have this situation whereby you're really having a different experience of the long distance arrangement, and I think that that can of itself creates some tension because the anxious person's going, you're not even having a hard time. You don't even care about me. this isn't even hard for you. You don't even miss me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:26]:
All of these stories that are coming from the pain of separation. And, obviously, like, we know how that can go. We know that that can exacerbate those dynamics by starting to kind of attack each other or push or protest. And, you know, maybe the person on the other side not being terribly well placed to validate that pain or I'm feeling like, you know, they get defensive because they feel like they're being attacked when they haven't done anything wrong. So what do we do with all of that?
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:54]:
I think it's really important to understand that for some people, and I suppose this is a bit of a permission slip, you don't have to be okay with long distance. for me, at this point in my life, it is not something that I would be open to because it would not allow me the level of intimacy and closeness and, you know, day to day connection and support that I desire. And so it's okay to know that about yourself.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:35]:
Of course, it is easier to know that about yourself as a starting point and be able to decline to continue in a dynamic or or to pursue, I should say, a dynamic with someone where that would be case from the outset. Right? So, for example, if you met someone and you lived in different places, you could say I'm not gonna pursue that connection because I don't wanna do long distance. That's a simpler version. Right?
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:50]:
Of course, it is harder if you're already in a relationship and something changes structurally such that you are going to have to move to long distance from togetherness. Again, you don't have to be okay with that. and you might decide that it is too much for you. If it is really acutely painful, you might decide that that isn't gonna work. and you might, you know, decide to enter the relationship or take a break for such period of time that you are going to be a part or you might decide that you wanna give it a go because you value the relationship enough and you see a future worth investing in. And so you decide to do long distance for a period of time, or maybe it's even, you know, an open ended thing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:37]:
But I think having clarity for yourself around what you are open to and what you would need in order for that to feel sustainable. And checking in regularly with yourself and with each other, so that you can keep taking a pulse on that on how am
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:52]:
I feeling? Is this working for me and not feeling like you need to justify that because, as I said, permission slip, it is really hard, and it's not for everyone. And if you are someone who's really, really anxious, It might just be too much for you, and and maybe that's okay. But having a level of honesty and self awareness, self responsibility around where are my limits and kind of tuning into yourself and going, is this working for me? I'm now gonna move to giving some tips on how to make this work if it's the situation that you are in or you are about to embark upon. And so these are really, you know, if you're in a long distance relationship, how can you stay connected and how can you make the most of the situation that you're in?
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:44]:
The first one is kind of structural and, of course, and this won't be possible for everyone, but I really do think it helps if there is an end insight. So I think that for most people having indefinite, open ended, long distance is gonna be really challenging, and that makes sense. It's hard to know what your future looks like together if it is a serious relationship one that you're both serious about. It's hard to see how that is going to work in a way that's ever going to feel you know, structurally compatible if you are planning to live apart forever. Again, not everyone, and there will be people who make that work. but that's gonna be a small minority of people and for the vast majority of people, there's gonna wanna be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:33]:
So it might be, oh, for the next 12 months work means that we're gonna be in different cities. Absolutely fine. Right? you can kind of go into that with the mindset of this is gonna be a challenging period, but then there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I think if you've just got, you know, month to month rolling, open ended, long distance, with no ability to really talk about the future or what happens on the other side of that, that can feel really stuck.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:55]:
And I think it can feel a bit overwhelming, and you might feel a bit powerless if that's the situation that you're in. So I think in an ideal world, there would be a an end date, at least a kind of broadly agreed or a theoretical end date to the long distance period. Short of that, And in addition to that, you know, even if you do have an end date, I think that having very regular plans to be together. So to see each other is a really good idea, and that makes it much more doable in the short term because you have something to look forward to. So say you've gotta be long distance for the next 18 months because of work, but you've got in the calendar every month or 6 weeks or whatever that you, you know, one of you will travel to the other or you'll both travel somewhere, but you have something to look forward to and the actual time apart is not gonna be that full, you know, 12 18 months or whatever period of time it is. you have these shorter horizons, these little milestone moments that you can really look forward to. And I think that in having that, you actually have an opportunity to plan that and to connect through your joint excitement to see each other. And you might take that as an opportunity to you know, plan a really exciting little trip together, or even if you're just visiting each other where you're living, making an occasion out of it so that it really does feel special and feels really connective when you do have that opportunity to come together. So having ideally a bookend at the, you know, the end in sight for the long distance, but also having those shorter horizons of when you're next gonna see each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:42]:
I think it's a really good idea.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:44]:
The next tip that I wanna give you is to create rituals connection. So, of course, I've just spoken about actually having time to come together and see each other and be in each other's company, which is really important.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:56]:
But on a day-to-day basis, you are gonna need to find ways to feel connected to them, notwithstanding the distance. So that might mean, you know, a morning text every day or, you know, face timing while you're eating dinner or maybe you've watched a show together I've known friends in the past who are long distance, and they would, you know, watch the same movie on Netflix, and they'd FaceTime at the same time. So it feels like they were watching it together. or, you know, you might play, you know, an online game together or any number of things that can feel like there's this bond and this tether that keeps you feeling close to them despite the distance. I think that that's really important to have things that are little things. So you know, like a morning text, like everyday stuff, and then maybe bigger things. So maybe on Friday nights, you you know, have dinner and you cook the same recipe and you zoom or something. But having these things that feel like rituals that you both really prioritize and honor and look forward to and respect and cherish.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:00]:
That's gonna help both of you to feel not only connected, but prioritize. and, like, the relationship is being prioritized. And I think that that's really important as well. Sort of related to that is you need to find ways to feel involved in the other person's life.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:27]:
So I remember when I was doing long distance, and this was probably 8 years ago now, I was studying on exchange in Singapore, My partner at the time was doing his masters in the UK. And so we were both, you know, we were obviously in different countries, but we were both away home, and we were both in these new environments, and we had all of these new friends, and it was all very exciting. but it meant that we didn't know any of the people that either of us were building these lives with, like, even though it was short term, my partner didn't know any of my new friends that I'd made, and I didn't know any of his. And so when we'd talk even though we were speaking regularly, we'd be talking about our day, and we didn't have any context for each other's lives. I didn't know the places that he was going on a day-to-day basis. And so it was all very high level in terms of what we were sharing with each other just because we didn't have that level of familiarity with the other's world because it was all very new. Now if you do know each other's world. So if one of you is, you know, if you're both home and you've been to each other's homes and you're hanging out with the same friends and going to the same places, that's gonna be easier because you have more context to understand you know, what they're up to and to feel like you're almost there through their descriptions and accounts of what they've been up to. But if there is some level of newness about the situation such that you don't have that context, you're gonna need to find ways to kind of really let each other in. And maybe that means giving more detail in storytelling than you otherwise would, because you don't have the luxury of that shorthand. of just, you know, I went to the cafe with, you know, these two people that you know really well, and I can tell you the story about them without having to give all of the backstory. I think that when we're a part and particularly, as I said, when there's a new environment, so if someone's gone and taken a job overseas, They're gonna have to really invest in getting you up to speed with who their new colleagues are and what the boss is like and what they do for lunch all of those things that will allow you to kind of have a picture and feel kind of involved in their life. Otherwise, it's really easy to just feel very connected and very far away. and, like, you don't really have much, you know, insight or connection with what your partner is up to and and where their life is at, and that can be a really hard feeling to be on either side of. Okay. And the last tip that I wanna give you for navigating long distance is this goes without saying, but communication is so important. So it's really normal to have you know, bumps in the road for the connection to ebb and flow when you're apart. And as I said, you just don't have the luxury of proximity, you know, to keep the tanks sort of from drying up. I think that just being around each other gives us, like, a base level of connection. And when we take that away, it's much easier for things to feel a little fractured or bumpy or disconnected. And so being able to bring that to each other and to share what we're feeling in a way that, you know, you're both really committed to making it work and finding ways to prioritize each of your needs, find solutions that work for both of you, that really needs to be a very clear and open channel of communication because I think that if you internalize that and you don't want to say anything because you don't want conflict while you're apart or, you know, you don't wanna jeopardize what time you do have to talk to them, talking about heavy things, all of that, I can totally understand. And at the same time, it's probably not going to help for you to be bottling up any concerns you have or feelings of loneliness or sadness or disconnect and you're much better off bringing those to your partner and finding some sort of way to navigate that that works for both of you. So don't shy away from being honest about how you're going and how you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:20]:
I think that is always important in relationships, but especially so, when you're in a season of being a part and really needing to go above and beyond in order to nurture that connect and that trust and that, you know, sense of togetherness despite the distance. So I really hope that that has been helpful for anyone who is in long distance, who is considering exploring long distance for whatever reason, or maybe if you've been in long-distance relationships in the past and, you know, you've felt bad about it not working or it feeling hard or wondered why you couldn't quite make it work. maybe this has given you a little more clarity in hindsight as to where you might have struggled and why.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:06]:
As always, I'm super grateful for anyone who can take a moment to leave a review or a rating. It really does help so much. share it with the people in your life. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks, guys.
Speaker D [00:21:20]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five-star rating. It really does help so much.
Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.