How to Help a Partner Struggling with their Mental Health
Looking out for someone who you care for that is going through a hard time is a challenge most of us will have to face in our lifetimes. But feelings of threat to the relationship, especially as an anxious attached person may come up in these times, and I want to help you navigate through these while prioritising your wellbeing, and not overstepping.
We’ll cover:
Monitoring your “fixing” the situation
Ways to support someone and yourself
How you can be a balanced supportive person
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the listener’s question of how to support a partner who's struggling with their mental health. So I think that given the prevalence of mental health challenges, there's a good chance that all of us will encounter this situation in some form at some point in our lives, if we haven't already having to be the support person for someone that we really care about. And I should say at the outset, this listener question was in the context of a romantic relationship. But most of what I'm going to share today could be applied to any relationship, whether that's a friend, a family member or someone else.
[00:01:08]:
But most all of us will be confronted with the situation of having someone that we care about who's going through a hard time and having to navigate all of the conflicting feelings and boundary struggles and the push pulls that can come with that. Because, spoiler alert, that can be a really complicated emotional terrain to try and navigate. We can feel immense worry and concern and care and really want to be able to help someone, but maybe also feel frustrated by them not taking the steps that we think that they should be taking or them not making progress at the rate that we would like. Wondering whether we should be holding out hope for things to change. Juggling wanting to be sensitive to the ways in which they're struggling against the very real impact that's having on us and concerns that we have in that department. There is a lot of really conflicting stuff that goes into that kind of dynamic. And while today's episode is not going to give you the solution or give you total clarity over what to do, if that's a situation that you find yourself in, I'm hoping that the discussion will at least give you some markers. Things to look out for, things to be aware of, and maybe some permission slips in terms of how you can care for yourself in that dynamic and how you might navigate setting boundaries with someone who you care about but who's going through a hard time.
[00:02:39]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share today's featured review, which is longtime listener, first time reviewer. I've been listening for over a year now, and I've shared with friends, family members and partners alike. I've also begun re listening to old episodes when I find myself repeating unpleasant patterns. This podcast has dramatically influenced my approach to relationships for the better, and I can't recommend it highly enough. Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you for that beautiful review and for your longtime support. I really appreciate it so much and I'm glad that the podcast has been a supportive resource for you throughout the past year, but throughout different seasons and different relationships, I really do appreciate it so much.
[00:03:20]:
So if that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierieg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you, I should say my Building Trust Masterclass, which I held last week, is now available for purchase on my website, The Recording. And so whoever's review gets read out, you can choose from that, in addition to my other three Masterclasses that are available. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how to support someone who's struggling with their mental health. And I do want to just frame the discussion with a few disclaimers, as I am known to do, but I think for something that is delicate like this, it's important to get clearer around what we are talking about and what we're not talking about. And what I'm not talking about today is any specific diagnosable mental health condition that's outside the scope of my work and it's not my area of expertise. So please know that I'm not giving specific advice around how to manage someone with X condition. And really the focus of what I'm going to be sharing today is not on them, but on you. Because as much as we can hold the intention of how can I best support someone, I think it's really, really important to make sure that you are best supporting yourself and not losing yourself to that dynamic.
[00:04:41]:
And this is particularly so if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment patterns because you probably don't need me to tell you that your default mode, your starting position is to forget yourself and to really orbit around someone else's needs. And that can go into overdrive. When the person that you care about, the person that you love, is in need and is suffering, that can really activate a lot of your fears, a lot of your patterns and wiring around. Caretaking not only from the point of view of really wanting to help someone, but also because it can feel really destabilising for the person that you are in an intimate relationship with, who you rely upon, who you depend on to be unwell and to be struggling. Because that will most often take you out of connection in some way. And it can feel like for as long as they are in that state, your relationship is threatened in some way or is impacted and that makes them unavailable to you as a supportive present partner. So it is really challenging, undeniably. As I said, I think we will all experience this at one point or another and of course, to varying degrees, again, as I alluded to when I'm giving disclaimers around this.
[00:06:02]:
There's a huge spectrum of mental illness or mental health challenges and that can vary in severity by a huge margin. So I think the overarching message that I want to give someone who's saying, how can I support my partner who's struggling with their mental health, I think you have to get really clear around the allocation of responsibility, and this is true for relationships more broadly and figuring out what healthy interdependency looks like. But I think that having clarity around what is within my control and what is appropriately mine to be responsible for and what sits outside of that ambit of control and responsibility. Because, again, when we're worried about someone else that we care about and we're worried about the impact that that has on us, it's really easy to overstep that line and to try and fix it again, it's not something to be ashamed of, I'm very guilty of this. It's something that I still have to monitor in myself, because not only all of my skill set, my personality, my attachment patterns, but also my family system has really conditioned me into being the fixer and the one who goes and takes care and kind of launches in when someone's in need or someone's struggling. And how do I make that better for them? But I also recognise what that has cost me throughout my life, to be in that self appointed role of making everyone's pain go away. It's a really easy way to lose yourself and I think underneath that, there can be a real sense of resentment or unfairness or injustice, because we end up feeling like, who's going to care for me? What about me? And I've certainly had that internal dialogue when I've been in that carer role in my relationships. It's like I spend so much time focusing on you and how I'm going to make you better and stabilise you, and there's a part of me that's terrified and lonely and worried of who's going to be that for me.
[00:08:06]:
So I think that recognising as a first port of call, the importance of figuring out what you are responsible for, which is you and the way that you show up and how you take care of yourself in that dynamic, your own boundaries, I think that's a really important first step. And it's not going to be easy because, as I said, every urge within you, if you tend more towards anxious patterns of caretaking and managing other people and their emotions, will be telling you to roll up your sleeves and get in there and fix it. But that comes at a cost. So I think having some clarity around that and practically speaking, I think what that can look like is it's not a pendulum swing to the other extreme of not being caring, not being helpful, not being supportive, not being available and leaving someone to their own devices and saying, this is not my problem. Again, that tends to be bouncing between extremes and that's not what we're trying to do here. But I think saying something along the lines of I can see that you're really struggling and that makes me really sad or It really hurts me to see you like this, please let me know how I can support you, full stop. I think that most of us go how can I support you? And then someone says I'm fine. And we go no you're not.
[00:09:21]:
And we keep pushing and pushing and pushing. We don't really accept someone's limits as they've been articulated to us because we think we know better. And even if we do know better, even if our way might be healthier or more adaptive or whatever, I think it's a slippery slope to go down to bypass someone's what someone is telling us about whether they want our help and kind of barge through and try and help them indirectly or influence them indirectly or change them. Fix them, solve their problems. Usually that won't be welcome and then we'll be frustrated that they're not grateful for the help that they didn't want. So I think that that's kind of step one is like figure out what a balanced version of being a supportive partner, friend, family member, whatever situation you're looking at. What is a boundaried way of being available and supportive without rushing in and being the crisis emergency response person who just tries to fix everyone's problems and makes that your responsibility. The second one, which is also really around boundaries and taking care of yourself and this is where it gets really tricky.
[00:10:37]:
If someone's behaviour arising from whatever mental health struggles they're experiencing is unsafe in any way or is hurtful harmful, causes you pain. And again, please to be clear, I'm not talking about abusive situations. That is again outside the scope of my work. And if you are in that situation, I really encourage you to seek appropriate support. But short of that, if someone is just really disengaged, lacking in presence, unable to offer any connection or support or interest or presence, they're just not really being in a relationship that goes both ways. I think that there are conversations that need to be had around what you need in order for the relationship to feel viable and sustainable. And this brings up a lot of stuff, right when I was speaking about it in the introduction, those conflicting feelings of guilt but also resentment. I feel bad that I'm really unhappy in this relationship because I can see you're genuinely having a hard time.
[00:11:47]:
But equally, I can't just be in a relationship that's totally one sided with someone who's not really there in perpetuity, with no end in sight. And those are really challenging feelings to be with and to own. So I think that the original question that was asked had a follow up which was my partner won't go to therapy, how do I help them? How do I make them go to therapy? How do I make them do something? And I think that's where we can start to say to someone and I've said this to my partner, my current partner is like, I love you. I'm in this. And there are certain things that really don't work for me that I really need to know you're taking seriously and that you're working on so that I can trust that we're on a certain trajectory and that these recurring challenges that arise in our relationship from your mental health struggles, your anxiety, your struggles with managing stress. If you don't do anything about that, nothing's going to change. Of course. Right.
[00:12:58]:
I think that's just trite to say that if we're having struggles in any area of life and we're not changing any inputs to the system, it is irrational to expect any changes to the outputs, changes to our experience. So I've said that to my partner. It's not a threat, it's not an ultimatum, but it's just saying in order for me to feel comfortable continuing in this relationship, I need to have some assurance of what you are doing to support yourself in these areas where your struggles impact our relationship in a way that doesn't really work for me. And so being able to have those direct and frank conversations that are really framed in love and care, it's not hanging someone out in the cold. It's just saying, like, this is what's true. I love you, and I'm here to support you in any way I can, but here's what I need in return. And I think what that conversation looks like will again vary. There are a million different contextual factors that will determine what that conversation looks like.
[00:14:01]:
If you've been together for two months, it's going to look very different to if you've been together for ten years, if someone's having a depressive episode for a few weeks, versus if there's been real prolonged, extended, severe mental health struggles if someone is medicating, there are so many variables. So of course, everything that I'm saying is very much principles rather than directives that will be applicable to every situation and every variation on this. But really having those clear boundaries for yourself around what I'm responsible for and what I can control and what I can't, and then having clarity on what would allow me to feel comfortable that this is being managed in a way that I can feel safe and they kind of go hand in hand again. In my own relationship, my ability to not take responsibility for what my partner has struggled with, that was facilitated by knowing that he was getting help elsewhere. So it's like, okay, if you're going to therapy, then I don't feel like I need to step in and be your proxy therapist. If you've got a group or you've got a this or that, like if you've got support systems and you're being proactive about managing whatever it is that you're experiencing that gives me the comfort of things are happening. And it's not my responsibility to monitor that. It's not my responsibility to micromanage that.
[00:15:29]:
I don't need to take control. I don't need to take responsibility because I can trust that you are serious about this and you have the self awareness and the recognition and you are taking those steps to support yourself. And I think that really creates the safety of, okay, I can step back, I can focus on, I can stay in my lane a bit more without having to step into yours and try and take the reins because I don't trust in your capacity. So I hope that's been helpful just to give you something to think about again. I know I've said it ten times already in this short episode, but this is not going to apply to everyone, or at least you'll need to adapt this to your specific situation. But I hope that those principles have given you something to think about. And I think that those really will and should apply across the board these principles of figuring out where an appropriate allocation of responsibility sits in a way that allows you to really take care of yourself and prioritise your well being, not overstep and not get into that controlling micromanaging mode, which ultimately tends not to work because you just feel like a failure if things don't go your way and the other person feels like a failure because they feel like they're disappointing you and letting you down and also setting those boundaries for yourself. So what would I need in order for this to feel safe and sustainable for me? What would progress look like? What would support look like in a way that I can get comfortable with in order to continue in this relationship, notwithstanding the struggles that you're having.
[00:17:04]:
And also the corollary of that is ensuring that any behaviours that are harmful are really clearly there are very clear boundaries set around those in a way that doesn't allow them to continue despite the underlying challenges that the person might be having. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, so grateful. If you can leave a review or a five-star rating, depending on where you're listening, it all adds up and is very, very helpful and I'm so grateful for all of you tuning in. I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.